Chelsea Handler
Appearances
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And then they said, what do you want us to take? Do you want us to get the art off the walls? And I just thought, just let it burn. If it burns, it burns. I can't have that kind of attachment to things. Everything is replaceable that isn't a human being or an animal. Are you trying to turn me on with this hamstring?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Too big is too big. Don't you think on men?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
He's as attractive as Pedro Pascal and then the other one, Paul Mezcal. Paul Mezcal is nice. Yeah. Very nice. He beefed up for Gladiator.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I've seen you guys, but I've seen you guys on my podcast.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I have a Russian nephew who literally is growing sideways. He's like 5'10". Like his wingspan is longer than his actual body. I'm like, you look like a giant. First of all, you look like you're from New Jersey. And second, you look like you're Russian. So those two things are not going to attract anything.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
So it's very refreshing to be on your podcast once again.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
This is your seventh? This is my seventh.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Oh, you have? I like the way you say memoir.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
That sounds right as well. Yeah. It can take a long time to write a book. This one probably was the longest it took me because it started out as one thing. I was dating Joe Coy and we were so public and so in love that my editor reached out and was like, it's so fun to see you this way in this light. We would love to see you write a book about falling in love. It's so sweet. It's so unexpected.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
In many respects, it was mature. And it was so nice to feel that way and to not be embarrassed about sharing it, to get rid of all of that kind of protective stuff.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
In the book, I talk about it and I don't really get into the details of exactly what happened only because I'm more mature than I was before in relationships. And I don't want to throw anyone under the bus that I loved at one point. And I did really love him. I did not want to break up with him when we broke up. I felt like I had no choice.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I felt like it was a decision between having a relationship and being full on or choosing myself and my sanity. Sanity is an overstatement, but I would have compromised my own value system.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Not quite like that. You know, that story is fucking awesome.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Let me digress for one second. Do you know that story in her book where she's flying her out to Atlanta? They're breaking up and she gets off the plane and his new girlfriend walks on the plane and sits down in her seat.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I love Ted Turner stories. I've read his books.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And he also bought her a ranch after that in New Mexico. And he always thought she was going to come back. He's always like, come back to me when you're ready. When you accept this kind of relationship. Yeah. I liked that story too. Let's go back. What I thought was a mature, healthy relationship and what he thought was a mature, healthy relationship were two different things.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And I would have had to compromise everything I stand for. I wasn't willing to do that. We had a couple of instances where it was obvious that we had different ideas about togetherness and the amount of time we would spend together and the expectations of me as his girlfriend, which to me were very outdated, old fashioned and not going to work. Right, right, right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
The biggest takeaway from that relationship was A, that I was able to be in love in a vulnerable, mature, healthy way. And that when I realized it wasn't going to work out, I was able to end it in a healthy, mature way and not divulge all of the stuff and the ugliness that may have happened in between because I didn't want to focus on that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I knew then that I'm capable of accepting love, that I'm capable of being in love and being vulnerable in that way. And they made me want more of it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
So that was like a huge takeaway. I didn't for one second doubt any of my decision making. And I want to say also, I love the green in here, you guys.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
He got me at a point in my life because I had known him obviously for many years earlier because of Chelsea Lately. He got me at a point in my life where I needed to be reminded of my strength and my power of who I am. And he re-instilled that in me because I had kind of lost interest in my work and the job and what am I doing?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I do a little bit because 25 is a good solid round number. It is. I was born 225, 75. So for this book, when we were talking about a release date, they were like, is there any way you would release this on your birthday? Because that's a really good window. Yeah. When they look at other books that are coming out to see what's your competition.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Well, it's like if you destabilize a semi-stable person, it's not as big of a crack or a fall. If you destabilize a very stable person, it's almost like an earthquake. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
So it was anathema to me. I was like, whoa, what's this feeling? I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. And I had a couple of instances where I got that shaky leg syndrome when I was standing up publicly speaking.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah, like eight o'clock in the morning and Brian Grazier had booked me on it, asked me to come and speak. And I was speaking and my leg just started shaking. And I remember being like, what is this? The more you focus on something, the bigger it becomes. And I had to sit down and I remember just sweating. It was a panic attack, but I had never experienced anything like that in my life.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Eventually, I think someone told me about beta blockers and that nipped that in the bud because you take those for like a week and then it gets it out of your system.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
They're great. So that was OK. But obviously, if you're having those issues, something deeper is happening. And I think that's what happens at some point between 40 and 50. That's why they call it a midlife crisis, because you do have to do some introspection at that time in your life if you haven't done any before.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
This business is so toxic in the sense that there's a desperation around everyone. You know, everyone wants to remain relevant and everyone wants to be seen or thought of in a certain way. It's an infection and you get the infection and then that starts fucking with your confidence.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And if you have success, success, success, and then you have something that's not successful, it's almost like you just don't know what to do with that. You can't handle the idea of you not being successful.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
This is my downfall. There's everything. I can't afford my house. I can't afford this. Where's the money coming from? And then when you are able to work through all of those ugly emotions and thoughts about yourself, you get to the other side. What you're saying about turning 50, you're like, I have enough data to understand that I belong right where I stand. And that voice is not the real voice.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And it's your job to quiet that voice and get in touch with the real voice of who you are.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I have no idea. I don't get into that shit anymore. I'm like, you know what? I don't have to waste time. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not attached to the outcome of anything. Not too much. Within reason. Within reason, exactly. But I was like, you know what? Let's blow it out. It's my 50th birthday. Let's release the book on my 50th birthday. My new Netflix special comes out March 25th. Wow.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Isn't it funny that we need someone else to tell us that? Someone who doesn't even really know us has to be like, hey, you're the reason you got yourself here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I want every young person to feel seen. I want every young person to feel confident. I want to infuse that. because I know I have a lot of that. And for the period of time where I wasn't sure of it, it was useful to get to the place to understand, oh, this is real confidence. This isn't just bravado. This is bedrock.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
This is better confidence than what I even had before, because now I'm calm about it. I'm not trying to show off. I know what I can handle. Yeah. I mean, it's all cliche, but I guess cliches are cliches because they're so fucking true.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It's like there is light after dark. It's your job to find optimism in the dark, I think, as human beings, especially with all the shit that goes on in our country. And the last decade, it's been so crazy. And when you talk about time, you're like, did every generation feel this way? People talk about how the 60s and 70s were so great.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It's like, well, yeah, but the racism was way worse than it is now. So how can you say that was great?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It is what you want to focus on. And one of the biggest things to remember is there's this book I love reading called Letting Go by David Hawkins. Have you ever read that? I haven't. Oh, you should read that. It's metaphysical. It's deep. There can be famine. There can be war. There can be devastation.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And really, there are people who survive and thrive in that, not because of it, but in spite of it. They are able to look at their lives and be like, I'm going to figure out my way how to live through this in a powerful, positive and fruitful way. I'm going to make the most of this, even though the situation around me sucks. And I think that's really powerful to remember.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Just because the world is on fire doesn't mean that you have to be on fire.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I was hosting the Critics of Choice Awards this week, but they just got postponed to January 26th. So lots of 25, they just postponed them.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Don't have a big event January 26th, February 25th, March 25th. It's just going to be all the 25th. That's when I'm going to schedule all my releases for things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured, you know what? I'm going to be 50 this year. I want to make it a huge celebration. Right. What are you going to do?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I look at therapy now that I'm out of it. I mean, I have a therapist, but that was a very intense two-year period when I did go to therapy. And I look at therapy as like, you know how there's the school year and then the summer break. The summer break serves as a time to absorb everything you learned in the school year. So you go to therapy and my intention was never to be in long-term therapy.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It was like, I want to go incrementally. I didn't know it was going to be two years. If someone had told me that, I probably would have been like, fuck off. I'll just figure out how I'm going to get through this life without therapy.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Exactly. Like, let's fast forward this track. You go through therapy and then you have all this information. You have to absorb all the information that you've gleaned and then you have to apply it. Yes, practice it. So you have to put it into your life. And I didn't want to be one of these codependent people who was calling my therapist anytime I had a decision to make.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I needed to know how to trust my knowingness and my intuition and the things that I have naturally, organically that we all have. So the period after I was done with therapy, I was so kind of confused about all the things that I learned about myself. So when he was like, you know, you don't have to insert yourself. You don't have to be the life of the party. These are not your responsibilities.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
People aren't just hanging out with you because you're fun. And it's like, well, a lot of them are. You know what I mean? A lot of people are hanging out with me because I was fun. So going to places and really withdrawing and being quiet and still and not drinking and not imbibing in stuff that I would normally imbibe in because I just really wanted a better view of the things.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Well, my book's going to come out, so I'm just going to have a big book party combined with a birthday party in New York. I'll have a party in Whistler. Maybe I'll have one in LA. You should. Sure. I mean, I might as well just go for it. The year's been off to such a banging start. I have to kind of make up for it, you know, societally.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
People were like, what is your problem? You are boring. And that would fuck with me. Yeah. Were you like, I was right the whole time? I was like, oh God, maybe I am boring, but I had to stick with it because I don't know what's on the other side of this.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And then eventually you realize you take all the things and the self-awareness that you gained and you apply it to the best parts of your personality so that you come out as a better version, like a 2.0. You're like, okay, I got this now. But that's a process. That was like two years after therapy where I finally clicked back into who I am.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I was vacillating back and forth, like auditioning new versions of myself to see which one was real. Okay, am I being real right now or am I being performative? Am I acting like I'm listening or am I listening?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I remember being in school as a young girl, third grade, and I would just be waiting for the moment that I could insert myself to make a funny joke. I was like, okay, I'm going to do it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah, like I want everyone to know I'm funny. And as soon as I say this, they're going to know. And then I'll be the funny one.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah, that's like a hamster on a wheel. And so I had to really recalibrate all of that stuff. And now I'm so glad I went through that. But if somebody had told me it was not a two year process, a four to six year process, really from start to finish, that would have been not appealing.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Absolutely. I have a thing where if the vibe isn't high, then I need to make it high.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Because what will happen if not? Because it's boring. This is a good example. I have my nieces for a week. I had two of my nieces and my cousin's daughter. She's 13. And my two nieces are 19, 22. And we skied a lot. We had dinners at home. We went out to dinners. There was plenty of action. And then the down times at the house were also nice because there was a nice balance.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
We'd ski, then we'd come home and we'd watch something appropriate, like a family porn or something. And then on the last day, we didn't ski. Everyone was kind of tired. We were leaving for Vancouver that night. And it was just a very mellow vibe. Perfectly fine. But after about three hours of that, I was like, I'm going to have to step up the energy here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
If they weren't there, I would have gone into bed and just made it a TV day for myself. I was just kind of tired. But I was like, if I don't create the vibe, the vibe isn't happening. So then I was like, okay, girls. And we ended up having a great day. We drove to Vancouver. We had a fun time. We had my dog. We went out to dim sum. We did all this fun stuff. But that's what I do.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
If I feel like I'm in the mix of something that isn't going well, there's a responsibility to raise the bar.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
if there's a lull at a dinner and no one's talking, I will be the person to start the conversation. And I'm always like, wait, don't jump in. Let someone else take it. And usually no one will.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
it you said if it's not going well but that's your version of it but i'm like well wait i need everyone to have a good time around me it has to be a great report when you get back to your parents like oh my god i had the best time with chelsea of course you did you know i didn't think that good of a time was possible yeah i mean my biggest compliment is when people are always like you're fun i want to ski with you you want people's takeaway to be like oh that was fun so to have to put that to rest and be like no no it's okay you don't have to be the most fun person it is a battle
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It's funny you say that. I had a big banger when I was 40. And I remember walking through my house and seeing all the people that were there. And I was like, wow, this is awesome. They made this big birthday video, all these tributes from all my friends. And I remember thinking, this is probably as good as it's ever going to get. It's only downhill from here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
We had a real time connected. Absolutely. I value that. And to piggyback on what you were just saying earlier, like I do value that. I value that when I get that from people and I value that when that's my experience. But if there's someone that is more fun than me, I have a friend in Whistler. Her name is Ange.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
There's a chapter about her in my book, actually, because I decided somebody needed to tribute her. I don't know.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
But now that I'm 50, I'm like, I can't not celebrate that. So I'm going to just have little parties with my people around and make it an annual celebration. And not to an annoying degree. You know what I mean? I'll finance it. I'm not going to have people buying me gifts. Absolutely not. If anyone wants to give me anything, they can write me a card. I appreciate words more than gifts.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Jax, I think you are planning on getting me something.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Thank you so much, A, for telling me this. You will never have to talk to me again about this. This is going to be, the first time is going to be the last time. And to this day, we still talk about it because she's in the book and there's a chapter at the end of the book, which is kind of like a full circle moment where she asked me to fly from Whistler to this event that she did.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And it was disruptive to my whole winter, but I was like, I have to show up for this woman. I owe her so much. A, as just a woman, I owe her so much. And B, because of what she did for me, because she set the tone for me in my relationships with my friends moving forward, because I wanted to be what she was to me, to other women.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I wanted to tell people the truth, even when it's hard, even when it's a difficult conversation. There is a deficit of truth in this industry and this town and the way that people communicate. And I want to be the person that when you ask me a question, I'm giving you an honest answer. Even if it's hurtful, not just doling it out unsolicited.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I like that you're still calling COVID Corona. It was Norovirus.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
was a light bulb moment and I'll never forget it. And it really shaped the kind of woman that I am in the woman that I've always wanted to be was somebody who isn't full of shit, who isn't going to lie. And she, I wanted to be upfront and be direct. I find that to be one of the most attractive qualities in other people when they can be direct. Not squirrely.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And I remember I left her dinner that night and I was so horrified. And I went to my girlfriend's house. She had been with me at the party. And she's like, don't fucking listen to Jane Fonda. That's what she said. She goes, why are you listening to her? I go, I'm going to listen to Jane Fonda.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
She's fucking awesome. We were campaigning with her a few months before the election. We went to Albuquerque and that worked out great.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Thank you. Thank you. I was with Connie Britton and she and I flew and Jane was like, can you come and do this for her climate pack? We're going to Albuquerque. And I was like, of course. And then we got the flight and she's like, okay, it's Southwest flight. And I'm like, Southwest?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I was like, why are we, are we, is Jane Fonda flying Southwest?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And I'm like, Connie, are we flying Southwest? And she's like, I think we have to. And I was like, okay. I was like, all right, you know, I'm going to be a team player. We get to Albuquerque and we're staying at an airport something or other Hilton. And I was like, oh, I don't know about this at all. He's looking up these resorts. She found this boutique hotel out in Albuquerque.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And she's like, what about if we stay here? And I was like, well, I don't know. Can we do that? Can we just get the room for Jane and just tell her we're leaving? And I was like, I don't think we do any of this. I'm like, I think we just suck it up. Yeah. And we go and do whatever Jane wants.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I would just be like, why are you calling it that? It's out of date. Like, it is out of date. COVID is out of date a little bit. Yeah, I agree.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Is she 89 now? Oh, she just turned 89. Do you know that she makes like 200 phone calls a day on behalf of her climate pack? I'm always in awe of her. I can't think of anyone I respect more, actually.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I went to New Zealand and Australia this summer. I was touring. My cousin Molly, who's my favorite travel buddy, well, she was, until we went on this trip together, and she was insisting on wearing a mask because we were going to New Zealand and Australia, and she has a young child, and she's like, we're gone for two weeks. I don't want to get Leah sick. I'm like, Leah's not here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Well, thank you. But I also want to make this point about that interaction is if she had gotten me just a month earlier, my reaction would have been what you're talking about. The timing was perfect because I had just started therapy. So I had enough of a kernel of self-awareness to understand that defensiveness means usually that you're wrong. Right, right, right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Exactly. There's another story in the book where I talk about the same thing. Like I got fired from this temp job because I was temping when I came out here to try to make ends meet. I can't do any sort of office admin. I can't even transfer a phone call. I am a Luddite through and through.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And I was temping and this guy called down to the front desk and was like, who the fuck is that bimbo at the front desk? Let's get rid of her. I'm like, that would be me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I was like, I'm her. And you're absolutely right. I shouldn't be here. This is not my forte. I'm not going to ever work in an office. I am never going to succeed at this. And I also wanted to go to Starbucks and get a Frappuccino. I couldn't wait to get fucking fired. And there was one at the bottom of the building. On that day where that guy talked to me in that way.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I was in such a state of hopefulness and optimism about the future, even though I was in my early 20s and I was broke and I had nothing going on career wise. I was just kind of hustling, trying to get by and figuring out what my in was going to be into the entertainment industry. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I had some ideas. And I remember leaving that day being like, he's right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I don't belong here. And this is just more of an affirmation. I'm headed in the right direction. I can cross this off my list. That was another example. If he had called Caught me two days earlier where I wasn't feeling optimistic, where I wasn't feeling hopeful, where I was unsure of myself. I could have left that office in tears and been like, I'm worthless. I'm useless.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
The mercurial nature of us as human beings on the days where we don't feel strong and sure of ourselves and confident. Those are the times to remind ourselves that this is a moment and that that strength and that confidence and that self-assuredness is just around the corner and probably going to reappear very shortly.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I blame Katie Couric for that. And Katie Couric's version of the story, which is so funny. We were at some dinner in New York. Katie was like, come with me to this dinner. And this was probably 15, 20 years ago to probably longer. I don't know. So we go and there's all these men at this table and I don't know anyone.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And then there's two seats across from me and we're waiting and I'm on the end of the table and I'm waiting to see, not waiting to see who's going to be there, but just those were the two empty seats. And I see Woody Allen and Soon-Yi walk in and I'm like, no. I'm not going to do that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
There's no way. I cannot kiss ass. I cannot be fake. I mean, I can a little bit because I've lived in LA for now 30 years, but I prefer not to be. I was kicking Katie under the table and I'm like, this isn't going to go well. I'm going to say something. I know myself. I have outbursts. I don't know when they're going to happen. I'm as surprised as the next person when they do happen.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Leah's at home, and you're not going to be home for two weeks. So if we're going to get sick, now's the time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not wearing a mask on a 14 hour flight. I don't want to. It's over. And she's like, I need you to wear a mask. I don't want you to get me sick. And I'm like, oh, my God. So I put a mask on.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I'm also going like, when are you going to shut up? And she was like, can you not? And I was like, well, no, I definitely am going to have to say something. And she said, okay, can you wait? And I was like, wait for what? And she's like, can you wait to the end of the dinner?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And I was like, oh, I've never tried waiting. That's a fun endeavor. Maybe I can try this as an experiment. And so I did. And so I had this very fraudulent conversation with him, asking him about all the movies he directed. Tried to appear interested because I'm disgusted by Woody Allen. And I had to pretend that I wasn't disgusted by him and his daughter bride.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I even asked him about Annie, confusing it with Annie Hall. I was like, so what was it like directing Annie? And he was like, I didn't direct that one. I was like, yeah, but you know about it, you sick fuck. And then it was like the first time I had ever had to employ patients. It is a virtue. I was like, let's see if I can do this. And I waited until the end of dinner.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And then the server went around and plated all of our desserts. It was blackberry cobbler. I'm like, I'm going to get you now. And he went and took a bite of his blackberry cobbler. And I leaned in and said... So how did you two meet? To him and Sunyi. And the whole table just was like... But he was laughing, of course. He spit out, yeah, he was chewing. I'm surprised he laughed.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And then Katie's like, okay, it's time to go. First of all, I want to say I slept like a fucking baby that night because I was so happy that I didn't leave that dinner. Got home and I was like, I can't believe I just sat there and smiled.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Exactly. There are enough people in Hollywood who are fine with Woody Allen and I'm not.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Well, again, that was pre-therapy. There were no options then. No, you're either complicit in this. I'm a rapist. Yes. But when Katie told the story, I think she told it in her book, she said, Chelsea seemed to have forgotten the Woody Allen and Suni connection because she leaned in and asked them how they met. Katie, you think I fucking forgot?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
The whole point was to call him on it. She's so sweet. I know. Well, she knows now. We've discussed it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I was just presenting till she fell asleep.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And then I take a drink of I have a cocktail. Forget what it was.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
When I'm needed and asked for that, I'm always available. You're generous. I don't insert myself or feel like it's necessary for me to guide them because I think everyone's kind of iteration is so different. But with... A lot of those girls that are coming up, if they need to lean on me, of course, I want to help anyone. I don't even have that great of advice.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
My advice to everyone is to be the fuck who you are and do not try to become anything that you're not. Authenticity is your main ingredient. If you are going to have a strong point of view and a strong sense of yourself, you are going to be limitless.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I usually don't actually drink on planes, but she was making me so annoyed.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah. One of my best friends is a CEO of a big organization and she always has mentors and she's always grown up with mentors. Whenever we travel the world, she has a huge job and I go with her to a lot of things and she'll be like, oh, this is my mentor. And I'm like, mentor? I never had a fucking mentor. I wish I had a mentor.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
But if I look back at my career, I don't know that I would have listened to anyone. I didn't listen to fucking anyone ever.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It's an interesting question. And I wonder what I would have changed had I had anyone advising me. But again, I think with all of these personalities, you really do have to have a strong sense of who you are and what your gut is telling you and your intuition and your intuitiveness. You have to understand what you're after. I never had a clear goal of what I was after.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah. It was like a party cocktail. Like I'm taking a sleeping pill and I'm having a cocktail. You need to build events into that. Right. I want to remind you of what life used to be like for you. So I forget I have my mask on. So I take a sip of my vodka orange juice. It spills all over my shirt, all over my face mask. Then I go to the bathroom because I'm trying to clean up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I just took opportunities or said, yeah, I think I'll do this now. And I just was lucky a lot of times. But I don't know if it's luck, if it's really you're dishing out what you have to offer the world.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah. And also when you do have failures, that is a good thing. It doesn't feel like a good thing when it happens, but it always ends up being a good thing.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And I thought my life was over. Zach Galifianakis walks me to my room and he's like, you're going to want to be alone now. Like I was supposed to blow the festival up. I was like 26 or 27 years old and I was the it girl. And I was the new comedian on the Just for Laughs festival, new faces. And I was going to crush it. And I ate my asshole. Like I ate shit.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I had never, and I thought for sure, because I was so young and so immature and so not successful yet, that that was it, that I would never, ever have another chance. And then three days later, I had a development deal at NBC. So that's how quickly my luck changed. And in this industry, as we all know, you can fall down flat on your face and you can be fine a week later.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Podcast Dear Chelsea. Special comes out March 25th on Netflix. It's called The Feeling. The Feeling.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Uh-huh. I perform once a month for the next two years.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Once a month at the Cosmo Hotel at the Chelsea Theater. I'm performing inside myself once a month. ChelseaHandler.com. You can find dates for that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Do you want to do residency? I'm like, um, this is the schedule. And they're like, actually, this is the schedule we had in mind. I was like, that's even better than what I had in mind.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
ChelseaHandler.com. You can find everything you need.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I'm always updating my website, you guys.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah, I'll probably do that as soon as I leave here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
For the next... For the next time you're with Jane, she'll like that, too. We've talked about the body parts. We appreciate about that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Thank you, guys. Love you. Love you, guys.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I still have my fucking mask on and I sit down on the toilet, pull my mask down in some sort of transference thinking that's my underwear and pee right up in my underwear.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
An hour into this fight and I'm fucking ruined. I peed on myself. I have fucking vodka and orange juice over my shirt and I look at my cousin. I'm like, fuck you. Like, I don't even want to be on a trip with you again.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
This is all because of this mask. Everything's damp now. I felt like a real hot mess on that flight.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Now I understand mask deniers and like all of that stuff.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I'm not ready to go back to that. And if there were another pandemic, I would just park myself somewhere.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I'm with you. I was just saying to my girlfriends, I'm like, guys, can you give me some good sagacious words or advice to throw around? Because it sounds so lame to be like, I'm sexier than ever. You hear these sound bites of people turning 50. I feel more alive. You're like, God, this is so lame. Sexier than ever. But is it true? Yeah, I mean, I'm having a lot of sex. Yeah, that's great.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It's hot sex. Definitely a sexual awakening when you become an older woman, you know, 40s, 50s, because you don't give a shit anymore. You don't care what position you're in. You don't care how your body is looking. You're not in that 20-year-old phase where you're lying down horizontally to make yourself look thinner.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
One thing I did hear that I thought was good is that you get to this age and you're not preoccupied with the past and you're not preoccupied with the future. You are more present and living in the moment because you understand that all of that shit doesn't matter the way you thought it used to matter.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
You know, when you obsess over stuff that has already transpired and that's a waste of energy and you're also worried so much about how things are going to go or shake out and you realize you've gotten yourself this far, everything will work itself out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Wait a second. You don't feel as a father. Of two girls who are now probably almost teenagers, right?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Okay, so you must not feel like a child as a father to that age.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
But your adventurous spirit is what still keeps you young.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It's your examination of time. How long are we actually here for? What does that really mean? What other shit is going around that we don't know? And how many other matrixes are there? What else is happening? Also, another thing that you come to is the acceptance of you're never going to fucking have answers to these questions. Everything is conjecture.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Everything is kind of like whatever you want to believe in, go for it. But there's no proof of anything. So you kind of are like, I guess I'll just go with what I know.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And they weren't wearing a seatbelt or in a car seat.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
The things do happen very quickly. And the dissolution of things can also happen very quickly. I was reading this thing that if you can stay alive through the next 20 years, you'll be able to extend your life to live till you're about 150 because of the technology that they all have developed. Knock on wood. Knock on wood. Who the fuck wants to live to 150?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
First of all, I can't afford to live till I'm 150. Who wants to live that long?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I know, I just cashed out my Bitcoin because I realized I had a big windfall. Well, not a big windfall, a windfall.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
It's funny, I was at this restaurant in Whistler and I was talking to the server. He came over to our table. It was my first time this season seeing him and I know him. I said, how has your year been? He said, so much has happened. I became a homo this year and I went, oh my God. And so I said, wow, I could have told you that last year.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
And he's Australian. He's got this Australian accent. And then he comes back and he's like, it's beautiful. It's up on this street. And I'm like, oh, homeowner. And he said, yeah, I had a big Bitcoin windfall. And I was able to purchase a home. And I said, oh my God, great. I said, so are you gay? And he said, Gay, who is that? I said, oh, never mind. I thought I heard something. I guess I didn't.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
So then I got home and I'm with this guy. And I said, I have a Coinbase account that I got from Christine Simons. I think she used to do Kristen's makeup alongside. So she used to do my makeup on one of my talk shows in 2018 or 19. She told me to invest. And she's not someone I would ever take financial advice from. She was so passionate about this Bitcoin, Bitcoin, Bitcoin.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Her forecast was that in 2025, it was going to pop. So I bought like $20,000 worth. Wow. And I, after my meeting with the homo homeowner, I went home and I was like, I was like trying to get on my Coinbase account, which of course I don't know the password.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
How do I find this information out? So the next morning I asked my cousin and she's like, let me ask your business managers if they know anything about it. I was like, I think there should be some money in there. She's like, oh yeah, they have this account. It's at $133,000. So off of 18,000, I made... almost 115, something like that. And I was like, that's fucking awesome.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
But I am seeing her husband on a ski trip soon. So maybe I'll kick him something.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Well, he's staying at the house I rented and I'm paying for the trip. I would do that anyway. But yeah, you're right. I will send her something. That would be fun. Thank you. Especially since it's on the record now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I mean, I've always shared. Even when I had no money, I like to share. When I was waitressing, I would take everyone out to dinner and they'd be like, who the fuck do you think you are? Like some mafioso bit from YouTube. You're going into debt business? Yeah. I'd be like, yeah, who cares? I'll get this money back at some point. I'm going to get this money. I knew I would be okay at some point.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Living in Los Angeles and being around so much wealth and so many people and seeing how precious certain assholes are about materialistic things is pretty shocking, especially when we're experiencing these fires and all of the things that we're experiencing. It's pretty gross to be so attached to something that is fungible.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
Yeah, it's so stupid. I have a couple of houses. I have my friends stay there. I want my friends to enjoy my house. I want my family. I want strangers to enjoy everything that I have. I love when my house is used. And being broken in, that feels homey to me. My friend was like, how can you let anyone stay at your house when you're not there? I'm like, because I'm not an anal retentive bitch.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Chelsea Handler Returns Again
I don't care if something gets ruined. That's replaceable. It doesn't matter. Obviously, with the fires, you're talking about major life stuff. But during the fires, another friend called me and she goes, I got all my shoes out of the closet. And I thought... That's what you're going to save? Yeah. Because when the fire started, my house is in a fire zone.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So now I'm soaked in orange juice and urine, okay? And the flight, we have 14 hours left. So I come out of that fucking bathroom, I'm raging. I'm like, you are a fucking nightmare that you made me wear this face mask and now I'm soaked in my own urine and orange juice? So we land. Somehow we land. We get to New Zealand. And you know they're very strict in New Zealand and Australia.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
They're very strict about customs, what you're bringing in. There's a whole list of things to check off. Oh, I've never been. Did you bring fruit? Did you bring vegetables? Do you have a gun? Did you bring whatever that you're not supposed to bring into their country? Do you have a dog or whatever? And my cousin, there's one says, did you bring it? Do you have any meats?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And my cousin goes to check off meats. And I go, what are you doing? What are you doing? And she's like, I have a beef jerky in my backpack. Oh, my fucking God. Beef jerky. I looked at her. I go, what? Rip that up and throw that. I have edibles, mushrooms, and a sheet of fucking acid on me. And you're declaring a chomp's beef stick? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Get the fuck out.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Away from me. What the fuck? I'm covered in orange juice urine and have so many drugs on me and you're sitting here talking about beef jerky. I would have tackled her to the fucking ground. I didn't talk to her for three days. We went to a winery when we landed. We went to a winery. And we didn't speak. We sat across from each other.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
We sat like six seats away because we're looking out into this beautiful valley. New Zealand is gorgeous. They have all these beautiful wineries. We're at this winery. We weren't even speaking. I was like, I hope you're having a good time on this trip that I invited you on free. I hope you're having a good time. Somebody who wants to declare beef jerky is not my friend.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I can barely lift it now. And so I come back from Whistler and I go to the doctor and I was like, something's off. And they're like, let's give you an MRI. And they're like, oh, you have an infection. And I was like, okay. And they're like, do you feel like you're infected?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It could have been my fault, Alex, but that's not the point. You know what I mean? That wasn't the punchline. This is the blame game. You know, I'm going to blame her and I will continue to blame her for declaring beef jerky. First of all, even if I didn't have acid mushrooms and ecstasy, or sorry, edibles, mushrooms, and acid, that's what I brought on that trip.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Even if I had those non-threatening items that people want to get upset about, you know what I mean? No one, even if I didn't have that, I don't have time for someone who's going to declare a beef jerky stick.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
What are you going to do, infect a farm animal with that? It's wrapped up. What does this sheet of acid look like? Oh, it's beautiful. It's got this big Buddha on it. And Whistler, I have a ski house in Whistler that I spend my winters in. And they have the best drugs. In Canada, most things are legal. It's all microdose. It's nothing too crazy. It's not like I'm tripping my balls off.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But I like a little mood lifter. So it's a big Buddha lady. And it's one big sheet and it's got like 376 hits on it. And it lasts me throughout the year. And I drug people wherever I go. I hit people. I'm like, you have to take this. It's such a mood lifter and an answer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I mean, I don't know that you need anything else.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I feel like you're pretty amped up.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But what I do, like we went whale watching in Australia. And so I took it like for that, like, oh, we're going to go see whales. I want to communicate with the animals. And so. Are you making noises? No, no, no. I just know where like I could tell where the pods of whales were before they could even pop up out of the water.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And my cousin, I was like, the guy on the boat would say, everybody go to the right. There was like 150 people on the boat. And he'd be like, okay, there's a pod of whales to the right. And they take you out of Sydney Harbor and you go out into these huge swells. Everyone's throwing up. Not me, because I'm fucking seaworthy, you know? and everyone's throwing up.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then he's like, okay, there's a pot of whales at 45 degrees, and everyone on the boat runs to the one side of the boat. And I'd be like, there's also a pot of whales coming up over here. And finally, my cousin Molly came up to me, and she's like, why are you staying in the same spot? I'm like, because I am in communication with the whales, Molly, because I took LSD this morning.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I said, well, I've been having hot and cold flashes for the last two weeks, but I just assumed that was like perimenopause or something. So I got estrogen, progesterone, and now I found out it's a fucking infection. And I'm probably not even in perimenopause. I probably am. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And she goes, it's kind of amazing that you've been right about where the whales are each time. And I was like, it would be kind of amazing if you had taken LSD too instead of your beef fucking chopstick.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Everyone else is throwing up and they're sober. It's not woo. It's like, ah, this is beautiful. Look at me. Look at me talking to this whale. Like, wow, I'm on a different vibration. Like, everything's a little sparklier, a little bit more glittery. Like, you have patience for people that you normally wouldn't.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, and they're vomiting, so obviously.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I need a lifter for that. Okay, okay. A karaoke bar. Oh, God. I would need something serious. Mix a little. Something I probably haven't even tried yet because I can't sing and so I don't want to be seen singing. You can't? No, no, no. I can't sing and I can't dance. What if we just hit a tune right now? I can't. I can't sing. Defying gravity. Defying gravity.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Oh, that would be drugs for sure. Oh, yeah, my nephew's bar mitzvah. I was handing everybody edibles at that event. At my cousin's wedding, I handed even my cousin's mother, who I think is my cousin, I gave her a little hit of LSD. She didn't know what it was, but I said, just take this. Your night's going to enhance. And she took it.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I can't hear where the crazy is coming from. This direction? Oh my God, you guys. It's us! We're back together again! You have no idea how stupid you are.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I was in Mallorca, and I was – there was this – I take acid to Mallorca, and I dose everyone. All my friends come. They have mind-numbing, bending experiences. We all have a great time. Is it legal in Mallorca? Is acid legal anywhere? I think it is legal in – things are legal in Spain that aren't legal everywhere, but who knows? Anyway, no one's really looking for acid. You know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
They're not going to see that sheet of that Buddha woman and go, is that acid? They're going to be like, oh, she's a really good artist. Yeah. And I saw this elderly couple walking down the street and they just looked so in love like they were in their 80s and they were holding hands. And I was on LSD. My whole group of friends was on LSD. And I said, look how beautiful that is.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like they're still into each other. This man loves her. He was holding her one hand with both of his hands. And I stopped them and I was like, you guys are so cute. Like, what's the story? They're like, this is our 50th wedding anniversary. And I have a house in Mallorca, so I wasn't far from my house. And I said, oh, my God, your 50th wedding anniversary. I was like, that's incredible.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
What are you guys going to do? And they're like, we're just walking around the port. And I said, this is I have two kayaks that are in front of my house on the beach. I said, these are my kayaks. I said, please take them and go out for like a midnight stroll. It's so beautiful under the sky in Mallorca, the stars and the moonlight. I said, please take these kayaks. And I also have some LSD.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Does it relax you? It feels good. You know what I mean? It's like a nice buzz. Like, you'll see what happens to me. Halfway through this interview, it'll hit? I cut it in half because it hits you faster if you do that. Just FYI for pills. I seem crazy right now.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And so I got their medical background. Neither of them had a heart condition or any sort of thing to be alarmed about. And I said, I have these little tabs. I go, don't be scared. They're micro dose. They were only enhanced. If you are happy now, you can't imagine the level of happiness you are going to achieve if you take these. And the man was like, oh, we're good. We're good. We're in love.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I go, no, no, please trust me. You know, please. And the woman goes, I'd like to try some. And I said, so I gave her a hit. I gave him a hit. They decided to take one kayak. They went out to the port. I forgot about them. I was with my friends. I was at some bar, restaurant. I went to bed. We all went to bed. I woke up the next morning. I was out on my terrace. It was like 7 a.m. I'm working out.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I see the kayak pull up. Shut the fuck up. And I'm like, who? Oh, my God. That's that couple that I gave my kayak to. I go, have they been out all night? And I live in this port. And so you can kayak out into the Mediterranean, but there's all these little coves. And they came up the beach and they're walking towards me and I'm waving to them. I'm like, hey, guys.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And they come up to the stairs to my house and I open my gate and they come in and they go, we spent the whole night. in an alcove, like one of those caves. We kayaked into a cave and we spent our 50th wedding anniversary up all night talking about all of our favorite memories. You gave us the best gift we could have ever been given. And I was like, I had tears in my eyes, you know?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like, I'm like, I'm a healer. I am healing people. And then the woman looked at me and she goes, do you have any more? And I did. And I gave it to her, of course, because I share it.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
you are like a like a shaman yeah you're like a drug doula or whatever i want people to experience the great listen drugs are not for everyone yeah i respect that and i understand that it can be a problem for many people but they're for me i want to come to majorca yeah
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But this, Alice, like, listen, I'm not, people aren't like hallucinating. It's a mood lifter and a life enhancer. And I really believe it is medicinal. And I am pro that.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
uh yeah several what how does that come about well how doesn't it come about you tell me how you keep your hands off of someone who's keeping staying in charge of your body on a mountain that can ski better than you that's hot how are you not have sex with that person you tell me alex well to be fair i feel like skiing can be like a little bit of a catfish situation because you're like what's going on under there have you ever been like oh oh right that's a good point actually
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
That's what that once happened to me. Scuba diving. I had a dive instructor. We were in French Polynesia and we were diving and we were on this boat. And we had two dive masters and we were diving with like black tip reef sharks and white tip reef sharks and they were pretty big. And I wasn't really good at scuba diving at that point.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I had just gotten certified and I was really nervous and I kept like, you know, you're so far underwater that it's scary that you can't just go back up. Yes. Yes. And I saw this, my cousin Molly, again, this fucking one. Jesus. She pulls the bottom of my ankle and I look down and there's a huge like eight foot black tip reef shark underneath.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
and I panic and I'm like having, I'm shaking and my goggles, I can't clear my goggles. I kept getting water in them so I couldn't really see. So you couldn't see anything. And so I start panicking and I start going, trying to swim to the surface. And then the dive master came down, put my goggles right on my face, cleared my mask, and then looked at me and like held my hands.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And he's like, and he's like motioning to breathe in and breathe out. And I'm looking at him and I'm like, And he's holding my hands and then he's like, he's like, do you want to go up? And I was like, I want to, you know, I want to stay with you.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And and I was like, I'm and then for the rest of the dive, he and I held hands and we we swam around all the sharks while he guided me because he was now in charge of me. And this is a very big turn on to me. And a lot of women, I think, who have been neglected in their childhood by their fathers. And all my friends, so we had two dive masters. There were 10 of us.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And she didn't wear socks with her shoes. She dresses worse than you do. You know what I mean? She just does not give a shit. I just was with her in New Orleans. Amy will walk down the street in pajamas and go out. She does not care. She doesn't care. But I kind of love that. She did it. She did an episode with Oprah for something.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I had one and the rest of them, the nine of them had one. And so I had commandeered this guy. And so we're holding hands diving and I'm like, I'm going to have to fuck this guy. You know, when we get to the surface, I'm going to fuck this guy. I am so turned on. He saved my life. And I am attracted to him.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then when we got to the top of the surface, we got in the boat, he took his mask off and I was like, get the fuck away from me. Don't even look at me again. Giving like ogre. Just not attractive. Not your vibe. Not my vibe at all. And he was like really looking after me. And I had to be like, it's over now that we're on the surface of the water. That was one relationship was underwater.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And now there's a different relationship.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, I mean, he wasn't... You didn't pity fuck him? No, no, no, no, no, no. Are you often pity fucking people? That's a great question. Yeah. I have to say, you know, you do ask great questions, Alex. And I don't say that like, wow. But I mean, obviously, you've had a very successful career that is going to continue to be successful.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But when I was listening to your last interview, I think Amy said that to you. And I was like, yes, yes. You really are a good interviewer. These questions are good questions. These questions inspire me to want to ask better questions on my own podcast, but I'm too lazy to do that kind of research.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, I'm sure I've pity fucked. I mean, I wouldn't say I've done that recently, but I'm trying to think back to a time where, yeah, where you have a guy in your hotel room and you're like, oh, God, how am I going to get out of this? Yeah. And then you're just like, maybe it's easier just to fuck it. Because it can be quick. The fucking? Yeah. Well, hopefully in that case.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But no, if I'm grossed out, I will. You're out. I'm bouncing.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So many. I mean, I had so many fun one-night stands in my 20s and 30s. Oh. What's the best one? That's really hard. It's okay. I once had sex with this guy. What was his name? I like to be able to call people out with their first and last names, which is going to be hard for this because I don't even remember his first name. But I once had sex. I don't know if this was the best. Yeah.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But it was sexy. Ooh. And it wasn't a one night stand. I went on for like a week, but it was like a one night thing. I was in the, at the London Olympics in 2012, I believe. And I was staying with my, a couple of gay friends of mine had a house and And I was walking home late one night or I was being driven home and I was walking down the street to their house.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And this really sexy British guy just we just locked eyes. And it was like sex. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I was like something you would see in a movie. And I and I was like, I'm in London. This is an impromptu trip. I'm like, what if I just had an affair with this guy? And I walked past him and I stopped and I turned around and he had stopped. And it was late at night.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I'm pretty sure it was it was something like sweatpants and like a cardigan and to do like some interview with Oprah somewhere. And I just thought, wow, look at you, girl.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like this was dangerous. You know, it could have been. And it was late at night. And he said, would you like to come back to my place? That straight up? That was the first thing. thing he said. The eye look that we had was so intense that I was like, yes. And we went back to his house. I mean, we barely spoke.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I went over there every night after the Olympics for a week, had a full on affair with this guy. I don't even know if I know his last name. Or his first, clearly. And we had this incredible, it was just like, like just chemistry, but not a lot of like getting to know each other. It was just purely sexual. And then I'd be like, okay, I'm going to the Olympics tomorrow.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like, and he's like, are you gonna come back tomorrow night? I'm like, yes, definitely. And then I'd get home at like 10. I'd be like, I'm coming over. And he'd be like, great. And we'd have a couple drinks. And then we'd have crazy sex. And then I'd go back to the friends. And the friends whose house I was staying at, I never even told them what was going on. I don't know why.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Because it just felt so steamy and sexy. And I wanted to keep it to myself.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But you weren't cheating on your husband. You were just having a fling. No, but I would cheat on my husband. You know what I mean? I definitely would. That's why I'm not married.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Sex, I mean, this isn't kind of a boring thing to say, but you're just more into your body and being pleased and asking for what you want. And you don't care about your cellulite. You don't care about the way that you look or if they see you in overhead lighting. I don't care what I look like on top of you or underneath you. I'm hot.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Absolutely. And I hate that. I hate that women feel that way. And we talk about it all the time. I know you talk about it on this all the time. Women don't ask for what they want. They don't even orgasm. You don't even orgasm half the time because you're just worried about pleasing men or not being confident about asking for what you want. So, I mean, that's totally true.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
As you get older, you're just like, this is what I want. Can you provide it? You know, these are the rules. And this is what's gonna happen.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Tell me everything. Spill the tea. I've been down that road before with having a public relationship. Yeah, you're not doing that. My last relationship. No, it's not that. It's more out of respect for their privacy. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want him to have to be exposed to my world.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I met him a long time ago, but we didn't really become lovers until about six or seven months ago.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I invited him to Mallorca on a trip with a group of friends. Everyone's getting invited but me. Yeah, I know. Almost. Now that we're talking about it, it's almost like everyone has been except for you. I invited him on. I've known him for years. I've always been attracted to him, but he was not available. And I always have wanted, like, someone like him in my life. Okay. He's... hot. He's awesome.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I think what your stick is, is good. I should keep it. Yeah. Yeah. Keep it. Who cares who you're interviewing? She didn't win anyway. So obviously it didn't fucking matter. You know what I mean?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
He's sweet and so caring and completely sees me and understands that I am not available a lot. Yep. You know what I mean? My life is pretty crazy. And he appreciates that. And he's around when I want him to be and he's great. I mean, listen, I go through periods where I have multiple lovers and that's kind of like what I wanted to do when I was a little girl.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I wanted to grow up and be a woman that did have multiple lovers. I've never been interested in marriage. I'm not interested in long-term commitments to work, to people, to anything. I am a free spirit and I want to remain and soar like an eagle.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I want to soar like an eagle with my heart and legs wide open. No, I love men. Listen, I love men. You know what I mean? And I want to have adventures with lots of them. And I try to make sure everybody knows that's where I'm coming from when I'm in a relationship or any sort of... You know what I mean? I'm very upfront. I'm not a liar. You're direct. I'm just like, listen, this is the deal.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, they told me not to eat today, that I have to be on a liquid diet. But do you think they meant liquid by like alcohol? No, I don't think they meant that. But they know what, listen, my doctors understand who they're dealing with. Half the time I'm correcting them.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Okay. Am I interested in him? Yeah. I mean, I'm not interested in flying with him, but I'm interested in him. Yes. I like that.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, I don't think we can, but it will be there.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Not, not, no, no. I don't like men that are scared of dogs. I agree. It's one of the bigger red flags. Why? What happened to you? Were you attacked by a wolf? Like, if you are scared of dogs, something is wrong with you. And I don't appreciate that at all. And your dogs are adorable. Unless you were attacked by a dog. Yes. And you're a woman.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, you, I heard you on the Amy Schumer one say that you don't do drugs anymore. That was very disappointing.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I love when guys go down on me.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Going down on you? Yeah, just like, ah. I mean, that going down on you could work because that's pretty much they're going to hit the target at some point. But you can pretty much, I mean, in a position where a man is going down on you, you have most likely your hands on their head. directing them exactly where to go. But if someone kisses me in a sloppy, gross way, that is unrecoverable.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I don't mind that. You don't? No. A little competition? I don't care if somebody hates that I'm funny. That's not my problem. That's their problem. Okay, he's your best friend? Again, great line of questioning, Alice. Thank you.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I smoke weed. That's not a hard drug. Is it? No, weed is not a hard drive.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
He's my best friend? I don't want him to be my best friend, first of all. So that's already a cancel. I don't need a guy, my lover, to be my best friend. That's stupid. I love how that wasn't like the problem. No, that wasn't even the question, but I'll just cut you off.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, that's not my thing. Really? No. I mean, you have to respect your mother, but not a mama's boy. I find that to be, yeah, like the same way like a daddy's girl. Like, come on, we're all adults here. Grow up. You've never been a daddy's girl? I mean, maybe I was a dad. No, not really. My dad wasn't that impressed with me, and I wasn't that impressed with him, quite frankly. Okay.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I was going to say my dad wasn't that attractive.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I mean, I've definitely met guys on Raya where that is the case. And then I've definitely had sex with guys like that. I don't know about dating guys like that. I mean, selfies, not really.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But don't say you dabble with marijuana. That sounds like you're 85 years old. Dabble with pot?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, no, no, no, no, you're right. Selfies, no, actually, when I think about it.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
DJ Diplo is that who you're talking about not specifically Diplo but if you fuck Diplo no because I didn't fuck him no okay good I wanted to I wanted to I did a segment with him once on my Netflix show and I was like he's hot and then you know he's not that hot to me anymore but a DJ no I've never fucked a DJ not that I'm aware of
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Me too. I could see that. Yeah. Like you're on LSD, you're bumping. Yeah, but I don't, yeah, I'm not really good at dancing either. So dancing and singing are the two things. That's what I really appreciate about Wicked is, is that they could dance and sing. I'm always amazed by people who can do that. Like Zoe Saldana and Amelia Perez. I didn't know she could dance and sing.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So take it or leave it. Yeah, you can't have it all.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I think certain people bring out toxicity. You know what I mean? Like certain dynamics are toxic. So like you don't belong with certain people because they bring out the worst in you. You bring out the worst in them. Give me an example. I had an ex-boyfriend. We dated for a couple of years and we had a very toxic, very... Like, like I would look through his phone. He cheated on me.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
He would be out all hours. I'd be paranoid about it. I, it was, it was the worst version of me that I've ever experienced. I remember I was, I was filming, I was shooting Chelsea lately at the time I was working on that show. And I, I would be so consumed about when he was going to call and, and how late he was out at night.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I'm such a mess. I don't know what I'm doing.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Cause he lived in New York and I lived in LA and, and we had this great chemistry. So we had so much fun together and it was, and then, but it was toxic and there was gamesmanship and he didn't want to be controlled. And I was trying to control him. And you know, That's the worst. None of that works ever. You can't ever try to control anyone. And if anyone's going to cheat, they're going to.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
They're not going to not because you're calling them. Are you talking about 50 Cent? No, no, no. He was beautiful. He was a sweetheart. He was so sweet. Yeah. I bring it up every time I talk to you. A lot of people bring that up. People seem to really like that story. I wonder why. Why do you think that is? I just think...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm drinking alcohol. I am on a liquid diet today for my surgery tomorrow morning. I'm not joking. I'm getting surgery tomorrow morning. No, actually, I have an Owl's Brew photo shoot tomorrow. So I have to wait until that's done because everyone's flying out from New York. And then I'm getting my surgery at around 1 p.m. My photo shoot starts at 5 a.m.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, yeah, I hear what you're saying. He was a sweetheart. All my friends when I dated him just fucking loved it because he'd come over to our house every night and he'd have like a Lamborghini one day and then like a yellow Ferrari the next day. Meanwhile, I realized he was borrowing all these cars from different dealerships. I was like, you can do that? I'm like, oh. And then I got a Bentley.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I got a chocolate Bentley because he kept coming over every night and he'd have a different car. So as a joke, I went and bought a chocolate Bentley. I didn't know you could borrow cars. and as a celebrity. So I went and bought a chocolate Bentley and then we broke up. So there I am stuck with this chocolate Bentley like a fucking white dumb bitch asshole driving around like I'm some rapper.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I had that Bentley, which was a really nice car by the way, I had that Bentley for like two years.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I bought an ex-boyfriend, the toxic one, actually. Okay. He has a house in upstate New York and like an estate. And I knew I had to break up with him at some point, but I wanted him to really feel it, you know? And I bought... Go out with a bang. I bought... He had this huge drive that led up to his estate. And it is an estate. I use that word because that's what it is. It's a huge farm.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It's gorgeous. It's on the Hudson River. And I bought him 35 linden trees that I'm pretty sure I imported from Germany at the time. Very extravagant. How expensive is that? Who knows? And I had... like 17 put lined on either side of the driveway so that they would grow and form a canopy so that when you drove in, you drive into his house under this alley of trees.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I knew that every winter, I mean that every spring and every fall, the leaves would change and bloom and, and it would be beautiful. And that everyone who saw them would be like, where, where did you get these trees? And every winter, I mean, sorry, every fall and every spring I get a text from him. Shut the fuck up. Going, I can't believe I lost you. Look at your trees.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Do you want to come see them? And I'm always like, not interested. That was just a message to you. You're good. That was a good breakup.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I gave it to him as like a birthday present, but I knew I was leaving. And then you say goodbye. Yeah. And then the trees got planted after I was gone, you know. And so that was like, that felt great.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah. That was like your last big toxic hit. And then you're out. Yeah. And then, and then I haven't had a toxic relationship since then. So that was kind of like, I went out with a bang and nature. So gorgeous. You know what would be good for you to have your dogs during your interviews? So I've thought about that, but I couldn't tell. Because I think it helps people.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I think anyone who's coming on this show understands that they're going to dish, right? They know what's up.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
You're getting up to the big. Yes, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. And I've already gotten an abortion during this interview, all within this time. But they know they're coming here. So I don't know that you need the dogs, but I like it. I like the idea of people softening and because dogs make people feel happy.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I once flew one of my dogs privately alone to meet me. In Whistler, Canada, because I thought there was a quarantine when I first started going there and I didn't know I could bring my dog. So I flew myself there first. And then when I found out you don't have to quarantine your dogs, I sent for Chunk. And he got on a plane with two pilots and a manifest that said Chunk Handler.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So that was one extravagant thing. That is fucking – imagine being those pilots. That's exactly right. The other thing I've done is I'm in Maine. It's COVID. And I'm trying to fuck Andrew Cuomo at the time because I had a hot, hot thing for Andrew Cuomo. He was hot at the time. Yeah, he was hot. And anyway, I rented this house in Maine. And then Andrew Cuomo blew me off.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
This is in the book, by the way. And this is the book and my stand-up special, which is coming out after the book. I realized it wasn't happening with Andrew Cuomo. We had a long flirtation or a short one, but I was led to believe I'd be penetrated by him at some point. And when that didn't happen, I was with my brothers and sisters and a bunch of friends at this house that I'd rented in Maine.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I was like, God, I didn't bring Bert and Bernice. I've just been rejected by a man. It's COVID, I'm single. A lot of people during COVID who were single feared that maybe they would never get penetrated again. Maybe that was it. What if I never am allowed to have sex again? So it was a rejection, a dejection. It was deep.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I, I was like, I came downstairs and I said to my sister, Simone, like, I need Bert and Bernie's here. I'm pissed that they're not here. I don't know what I was thinking. We're here for a month. Like I need some comfort. And I'm not flying my dogs privately. That's ridiculous. Like, I did that once and I was shamed for it. And I don't want to be that egregious.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So she said, let me figure it out. And she came downstairs and said she had found a service. There was a couple that could drive my dogs from California to Maine, and then they could be there in 48 hours. It was a Monday at 7 p.m. And I was like, 48 hours? I was like, is that even possible? But, you know, when things go my way, I don't ask a lot of questions. I'm like, great.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So Wednesday at like 7.30, this couple pulls up in this like trailer hitch situation, like a van attached to something else. I don't know the vernacular for those types of things because, you know. And...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
my dogs kind of scuttled out and my dogs aren't very affectionate they were both they're both dead now but they were they're just both aloof they were brother and sister combo platter and they were chow chows and they're just kind of like slow sluggish and just seemingly off and i i said to the couple that pulled i was so grateful you know to see my dogs i was so anyone who has an animal understands
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I went inside to make them a thank you cocktail. I went inside to the kitchen. My brother Roy was cooking. He's the chef in our family. And he was cooking. And he was like, I said, I grabbed a bottle of Belvedere, grabbed some cocktail glasses. And he goes, what are you doing? And I said, I'm making the couple that just delivered Bert and Bernice a thank you cocktail.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And he said, don't make them more than one round, Chelsea. Like very sternly, he's talking to me. And I'm like, excuse me? I go, what's your problem? He goes, look at me. And he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose, like in a very serious, like avuncular way. And he goes, look at me. Anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes. So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing that. I'm Jewish. We don't do that. So I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like, thanks a lot. Well, you know, we can't be, we can't stay for long.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
We have to be in Florida by midnight. Oh. That's also not a five-hour drive. I'm like, okay. But the next couple of days, the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like, my dog like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes. And I'm sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach. It was so beautiful with my brother, Roy.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I go, what's wrong with Bert and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them, Chelsea? Yeah. You just sent your dogs on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic. What the fuck? He's like, they're detoxing. They're coming down. They're coming down off the drug. Yeah, they were coming down.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then the next day, the Bushes were there. The Bushes were in Kennebunkport. The next day, Barbara Bush, George W. Bush, one of the twins, Barbara and Jenna, she texts me. She's like, sissy. We call each other sissy. She's like, sissy, I hear you're in Biddeford Pool, which is where we were staying. And I was like, yeah. She's like, we're coming by.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the First Lady with her. There's like three Secret Service people. And they're sitting on my porch. We're all talking. I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like, I can't be seen with a former first lady. And then Bert, Barbara Bush loved my dog Bert. She loved him.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She understood his body type the way I did, like just a bundle of meat, you know? And he was, and she was like, why is Bert acting? I'm like, he's sick. He's sick. Cause I know, you know, like I'm not going to bring a crystal meth to the fucking first lady. And my brother Roy's out there and I knew he was about to fucking say something. I'm like, you shut up.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Do not tell, you know how Republican first ladies act about drugs. You know, there's a war on them and I don't want them to think me and my loose lifestyle that I'm drugging my dogs. So it was pretty ridiculous. They recovered, I think. You think? Wait, and so now do you have new dogs? I have a new dog, Doug. Doug. Yeah, he's black and beautiful. He's a full chow. Oh.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, and a rescue, a full chow rescue. What? Yeah, yeah. Are you lying? No. No, no, no. I think our dogs need to meet. I would never lie about anything. I mean, why would I? I don't know. I have nothing to hide. You don't lie ever? You think after everything that I've divulged today, I'm going to lie about my dog being a rescue? I mean, honestly, Alex Cooper.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Are those pills? Those are Vicodin. What? I have a fever right now, just so you know. This is my Owl's Brew Chelsea Handler's Vodka Lemonade that's coming out with my book. I have three flavors, pink, yellow, and mint. Non-sparkling, very healthy cocktail. I'm gonna be drinking this while I'm here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Just God forbid you want to like get more street cred. No, no, no. You don't give a shit. I bought a dog once. I returned him though. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's worse to admit. He was a loser. He was a loser, that dog. Why? Because he's such a fucking lunatic. I don't like... I like lazy dogs. Yeah. But this dog I have now, Doug, he's black. I wanted a dog of color. Yeah. And he is so...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
beautiful and friendly and a real dog. Like I've had such zombies for dogs for so long because I don't really wanna exercise with them and do that stuff. That I appreciate dogs that are a little bit on the lazy side. I've never had a dog like Doug and he just brings so much joy to everyone he meets. He looks like a bear. Do you ever bring your dogs to dog parks? I don't.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I try not to go to dog parks. I've had some of the worst interactions with human beings at dog parks.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
That's why you're in this chair.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I was looking for Doug. Actually, they were bringing Doug to showcase me this chow rescue that I got my last dogs from. They knew I was down one dog and looking for, you know, a refill. So they brought these two dogs to a dog park in Brentwood. I went to the wrong dog park and I opened, you know how they have those metal gates? Yeah.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I walk in and I'm like looking around to see if the people with the dogs are anywhere. And some guy screams at me going, shut the door now. Or shut the gate. Shut the gate. And you know, it's like they have two gates to get into the dog park. One and then. And I looked at him like I'm five feet away from the gate.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
There are no dogs anywhere except for him and his two dogs, which he has on leashes. And he's like 50 yards away screaming. And I'm like, are you talking? I'm like, sir. Shut the fuck up. Can you please relax? And he's charging towards me. And I'm like, sir, calm down. He goes, it just takes two seconds for one of these dogs to get out on the street and get hit on Barrington. And then what?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I'm like, sir, something happened to you today and it has nothing to do with me. So please stop talking to me. And I go, and stop looking at me, actually. You're freaking me out. And I'm looking at my phone trying to figure out if I'm at the wrong dog park because there's two kind of catty corner. Yeah, yeah. Don't say catty corner, but...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And so I'm looking down and then he goes, all of you celebrities think you can just get away with murder. And then I looked up on behalf of celebrities everywhere. I was offended. Do you know what I mean? And I looked up, I go, I'm sorry, sir. That's really uncalled for. I said, there are no dogs here except for yours that are on leashes. I'm close to the gate. No dog could run past me.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And you couldn't even rent two for the day? No. Didn't you just make $100 million? I don't understand what is going on here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And he goes, you're a whore, Chelsea Handler. What the fuck? You're a whore.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then I realized he was gay on top of it, which was a double whoopsie doodle. Because I'm like, first of all, I think I've proven my allyship for fucking since I was before I was born. And obviously no straight man is screaming like that at a dog park. You know what I mean? No straight man is like, get out of here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, there was another guy that was walking up, luckily, because then he heard him. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, do you need any backup here? And I'm like, no, no. I just have a crazy gay I'm dealing with right now. And then the guy, the gay guy got in his minivan and started taking pictures of me and I started smiling and waving. I was like, hi.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then I was like, should we get one together? You know, like he was gonna report me or something.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Oh, oh. So I don't know. I don't, yeah, I'm not into dog parks. Listen, I don't really, I don't even walk my dog. Okay. Like I, let's be honest.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, I guess. I mean, I find dog talking, like, I find dog jargon very irritating. Huh. who are obsessed with their animals. Listen, I'm obsessed with my animal. I am showing pictures of him. I'm totally guilty of it as well. So it's very hypocritical, but I still don't like it. I have a dog person in Whistler that takes my dog on three-hour hikes every day.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And the way she talks about dogs, I just have to tune out. You know what I mean? The first time I met a dog trainer in Whistler, this isn't who I have now. Who I have now, Abby, who's very cool. But I had a woman who came... And she said, okay, what are you looking today? The first session will be a discovery session. And I'm like, okay, let me cancel this meeting. I'm not dealing with you.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then she sent me links to YouTube videos to watch recall videos about how I was going. I'm like, listen, bitch, I'm not training him. You are. So you watch the video and then let me know what to do because we're not doing it together.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She said – and by the way, I don't even want that. Why do you want a paw? What for? Is that cute? I don't think that's cute. No, it's good for training. Sit, paw, treat. Sit is fine. I just want them to not attack anyone. That's all I want is for my dogs to behave – and be friendly to little children when they come and pet them. True. And not attack anyone.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I don't need them to run and do tricks and lie down and spin. It's all so dumb. It's a little circus-y. Yeah. Are you having sex in the room with your dogs? Oh, that's a great question. My dog comes on the bed and he's so agile. He's big and furry and he looks like he weighs like... I mean, he does weigh like 65 pounds, but... When he jumps up on the bed, you can never hear him.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So I, so all of a sudden we'll be having sex and we'll look up and Doug is just like this. And I'm like, oh my God, Doug, I can't have him see his mother like giving a blow job. Do you know what I mean? I don't want him to like.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But the look on their face is like, they're like, what is happening here? They're like inquisitive. They're like, huh? Yeah, yeah. Like, am I a part of this or am I not a part? It's like, you're definitely not a part of this. And I need you to actually get the fuck off the bed because this is weird.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Oh, this is your new thing. I heard you do this with Amy. Okay, sure.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, maybe you should go to the doctor. No, it's good. Do you know that it's a good smell that he's smelling? I know.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm just fucking psyched. Yeah.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm happy. I'm just happy. My life is so fun. I'm happy that I get to do what I love to do, that I like my family for the most part. There are a couple, you know, but that I have this life that I've created. What happened with Jane Fonda? Jane Fonda, the book, there's a story in the book. where Jane Fonda calls me over to her house, summons me, quite frankly.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, yeah, me too. Like what's gonna happen? Maybe I'll take another one. Who knows?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
This is like, I don't know how, I have no sense of time, so maybe 15 years ago. Summoned me to her house. And no, it was 10 years ago. It was 10 years ago because I was 40 and I'm about to turn 50. So she summoned me to her house. She sent me an email and said, Chelsea, I'd like to talk to you about something. And it was a stern tone in the email.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like, I mean, it'll just it'll take my make my pain subside.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I was like, she's like, are you free for dinner? And I'm like, sure, absolutely. It's Jane Fonda. I'm always free for you. When? When? And she's like, tonight, actually, it's 7.30. I'll see you at my house. And I'm like, uh-oh. Like, what? Oh, fuck. I was like, what is this about? And my best friend at the time, I was like, what do you think? She's like, I don't know. That's so weird.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm like, can you come with me? And she's like, I'm not invited. I'm like, I know. So I get to her house. And I had been to her party. I think it was her birthday party. She had a party of some sort. And I had been to her party, like, months and months earlier. And she goes, you were terrible at that party. She goes, I don't know what drugs you were on. You insulted multiple people.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, it'll start probably. Yeah, doing its thing. Yeah. Okay. Restless arm syndrome. I
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
You were a dark cloud hanging over the party. The whole conversation is in the book, so I'm probably paraphrasing. And I was... mortified obviously and I she wasn't wrong I don't even you know I barely remember that party I was on drugs I'm sure who knows which ones and I and I had just started therapy. I had just began therapy.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Thank God, because one of the first things you learn in therapy is like, if you are defensive about anything, then you're wrong or lying. You know what I mean? Like if you're right, you don't have to defend yourself.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, like your vagina, like you just did that with your vagina. And I was sitting there across from her and I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I'm mortified. This is so humiliating. And I was like, and I just said, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what was wrong with me. And you're right. I was terrible that night, I'm sure, because I don't really remember much of it.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It's kind of hazy. I mean, I remembered the party, but I didn't remember specifics. And in the midst of that humiliation and mortification. Yeah. the more overarching sentiment was
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I don't want to keep any trend, okay? You don't even have to finish these questions. No, you're on a podcast.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Because it's a fake book, you idiot. I mean, that's actually, what if that was the book? What if you had held it up and been like, I loved this part, and then you opened it up to nothing?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Those two do look alike, though, by the way. They're both little nuggets, you know what I mean?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Clean girl aesthetic. Every time I come here, I feel like I'm talking to somebody in kindergarten. That's how fucking old. What is clean girl aesthetic?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I'm fucking, I'm a hot piece of ass. So if that's what that means, then great. Clean girl is like minimal makeup. Yes, I'm about that. Oh, yeah. I love that. I love that.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Pick-me? Like pick-me? No. Despi? No. No. So you know what pick me is. I think it means I think I can. Yeah. Desperado. Yeah. Desperado.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't need to appeal to the male gaze. They see me. Is it true that when you. Is it true that when you shower. You know what my favorite thing is. That I point at you. Listening to your podcast. What? Is the only time you can tell when you're laughing because it's the only time you're not talking.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So when there's, just write what's happening now to the listeners when it's quiet, because you have a very quiet laugh. It's like a little undertone, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, no, I love you, so you can keep going. I like you too. What do you mean I like me? You don't have any fucking things I've done for you? Are you fucking kidding me? I flew to fucking Nashville for your ass. She asked me. She asked me that she would send me a plane to Nashville. I did. You didn't take the offer. Bitch, you don't need to send me a fucking plane. Honestly.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Here I am, everyone. We're here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Sure, that's why I'm here. Wait, what is? So I was supposed to, I'm in agony. I have a shoulder infection. Okay. And they wanted to have surgery today and I have too much press, including you. I'm like, I can't blow off Alex. I don't even know who I'm talking to. Who am I talking to right now? Look at me. There's so many people here. What? Okay. We're all just staring at you.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
This has become an issue. I don't know why my legs would be dirty. They're covered up all day in my jeans. And they're not out. You know what I mean? My legs aren't going out without me. And I'm pretty, like, you know, I showered the day before also. And when I lather my hair with shampoo and conditioner, there is a lot of lather.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And that drips down my body, cascades over my voluptuous breasts, onto my navel, and then down to my Pikachu. And my hot spots, which are, well, there's four. You know what they are. Yes. As long as I get in there, I could take less than a three-minute shower. And I often do. I should wash my hair because that's like not washing my hair doesn't feel clean. You know what I mean?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Then you're kind of like sweaty, gross all day. And so I get in. I wash my Pikachu. I wash my asshole. And I wash my underarms, which has been hard lately because I can't lift my right shoulder. So getting under this armpit. I can actually smell it right now. It's not.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I mean, I mean, honestly, like I'm getting the back of the calf. What about shaving? Doesn't that count for something? That's true. And that's like once a week. But your legs are so skinny. I mean, you shouldn't be washing them. What are they collecting dirt? I mean, it's so stupid. But, you know, I guess I don't know. I thought for a while, my God, maybe I really don't know how to shower.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But then I'm like, things are going pretty great. So. Fuck it. Why am I going to rock the boat?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I know. I know. Because I have a real life. That's why I have things to say. Because I keep it, you know, I keep it real. And I have real experiences. And I have to because if you are a creative person in any way and you – forget to have a real life, then you have nothing to talk about. I do stand up and I write books and I need stories. So I have to travel the world and remain like, you know.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It's a nice life. It's a great life. Why did you dedicate the book to flight attendants? Because they've been through hell. You know that. I mean, maybe you don't because you've been flying privately for so long.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
the most unappreciated service people that we have. What they went through through COVID made me- Horrible. Made me irate. I did go off on people on planes. I'm part of the crew. When I get on a plane, I become part of the crew.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
and i want to be one of them they know that i'm on their team i'm not with the passengers i'm with the the crew yeah what i do on a plane ride is usually papa xanax and go to bed i don't like to drink on planes i find drinking alone sad and i definitely don't want to talk to anyone around me so i kind of like drinking on a plane a lot of people do i just feel like it doesn't count i'm getting a little fucked up yeah i'm looking around but i don't like to talk to anyone like if you're on a plane are you talking to the person next to you what do you think what do you think
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But my assistant put this in my car this morning, and I was like, what do you want me to do with that? He goes, I don't know. Take it around with you. I go, take it around with me? He's new to town, so he doesn't know how things work. I think it's kind of incredible. But I thought it was really funny.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I hate those. There are not large enough headphones out there to send the signal to people that I do not want to be approached. I don't because- You're doubling up on your headphones. I have headphones that are literally the size of a small car so that it's like you couldn't, I couldn't hear you if you had a megaphone.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But I do fly all the time and I fly commercially most of the time because I think that's the most responsible thing to do. I agree. I mean, I don't want to be somebody who's, you know, that out of touch. I do fly privately once in a while, but-
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
um i just i i think flight attendants really deserve our respect they are trapped in the sky with us and they have been treated with vitriol by idiots and so yeah i always i'm always i will always have a flight attendance back that's also though how you know this is your seventh book though like because i feel like who'd you dedicate the first one to who knows
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Mars the Trumps. I'm going to dedicate the next book to Ivanka. I mean, yeah, you're right. That's actually a really good point. I was like, I'm out of dedications. I already did this happy ones to my family.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So I have a cousin, my cousin Molly. She's like my person, one of my people that runs my life. Okay. And this year I was traveling to New Zealand and Australia and she's my favorite travel buddy. We love to travel together. But she's a type, she's anal retentive. She's a type A. Okay. And I'm a type Z. Okay.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I am a type A from about 8 to 11 in the morning once I get my shit done and it takes me about three hours to get my shit done and that's it. Okay. And then I like to go off the rails. You know what I mean? Love that for you. So Molly, who has been, you know, she's she I've known her my whole life. Obviously, she's my cousin and she's worked for me for many years on and off.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Just put it right there. But I do have to take a Vicodin, and I thought, what better place? Do it right here. So I'm doing my surgery. I got an injection to help my shoulder, a PRP injection. Whoever's listening, don't ever fucking do that. And now, and I've had chills and sweats for the last like two weeks since the injection. And my arm was excruciating, like my shoulder, I couldn't lift it.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I said, let's go to New Zealand and Australia. I was touring. I said, let's go together. And she's like, absolutely. She has a little three year old. So she's like, I have to be as safe as possible. And I want to wear a face mask on the plane and I need you to wear one, too. so that I don't get my daughter sick. And I'm like, we're going to be gone for three weeks. Fuck your daughter.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She's not going to be here. What are you talking about? COVID is over. I'm an anti-masker now. You know what I mean? Like now that it's over, I don't give a shit. Like stop it. I'm not wearing that for like a 14 hour flight. I don't want to wear a 14 hour flight wearing a mask. And she's like, if you don't wear a mask, I'm not going to go with you. And I was like, okay, fine.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'll wear a mask, psycho. So we're on the plane. And I take my I have my face mask on and she's across from me, you know, in her little bed and we're like looking at each other. I get an orange juice and I love orange juice and I get an orange juice and I forget my mask is on. And I take a sip with it. And all the orange juice falls all over my shirt. And I'm wearing a white t-shirt.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I have no extra clothes. Everything has been checked. I didn't think I was going to spill like a fucking baby. And I'm like, oh, god damn it, you know? So I get up. And I go to the bathroom to start cleaning my shirt. And then I'm like, oh, let me go to the bathroom. So I sit down on the toilet. And I pull my face mask down.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
somehow confusing that with my underwear and end up urinating into my underwear and I'm like are there drugs involved no nothing has happened yet nothing has happened this is like an hour into the flight I haven't even taken my Xanax and that's what those flights are for it's like I love getting on a plane ride that long in that little cubby hole taking my Xanax cozy going to bed like oh my it's like a little apartment you have you know what I mean and they take such good care of you they treat you like a baby I love that
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
You're not going to end up, you know, indigent or on the street or become, you know, being, I was so scared when I was waiting tables that I would end up waiting tables for my whole life. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I wanted a different kind of life. And I was just like, oh God, if I'm, so I I'm so excited that I have this lease on life.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I'm so excited that I have so many women in my life to share this kind of birthday and milestone with. And I'm so excited at my energy level. Like I remember being young and thinking 50 was old. And now that was 40 years ago, you know, when your parents were 50 and you're like, ew. And now I'm like, it's true. You're more confident, you're sexier. I'm having the best sex of my life.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So I have all of these things that are happy around me and I'm happy. Like I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. So there's a lot to look forward to ladies.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
There's a definite fuck it attitude for sure. I mean, I think I was born with a fuck it attitude. That kind of never escaped me. But I did go through a period of insecurity and like destabilization in my 40s where I didn't feel as positive and confident as I did. And then I did the work necessary to kind of power through that, which is therapy, which is reading a ton.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Right. Doing a ton of work and reading a bunch of books about, you know, why you do the things you do and and really actually wanting to become the most, you know, the best version of yourself, like wanting to be kinder and gentler and not losing the great parts of your personality. And so, you
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
While I always had a fuck it personality, now I'm, once I kind of got through that murky area, I'm more grounded and more stable than I ever was. I went through my 20s and 30s with this like kind of false confidence, you know? Sure. Like you just kind of put on this armor and you're like, I could do anything. Now it's real. Now I'm like, no, you really can't touch me.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Like I'm a tree and you can't push me over. So I feel like I've done the work and I get to enjoy this phase more so than the kind of bravado that I was experiencing earlier in life.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Thunder Down Under. That was Vegas.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
No, I didn't. No, I didn't think that. I think I've always been really true to who I am. I've never tried to pretend or to be something that I'm not. And that's what I want for every woman. You know, that is so important to me, especially young girls and And young boys, everyone, I want them to be who they are.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And I didn't realize the power in being truthful about things that most people were shying away from. When I went around and pitched that book, My Horizontal Life, no American publishing company would publish it. English company, Bloomsbury, bought the rights to it. And then they sold it in like 67 countries. And so I had all this success and eventually it became a New York Times bestseller.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
But I had all of this success internationally. Like America was like so sanctimonious, like a girl talking about one night stands. I'm like, half of them didn't even come to be one night stands. I would like skedaddle before, you know, once I saw somebody's penis or something, I'd be like, oh, I got to get out of here. I got to find my Invisalign or something.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I once told a guy I had my Invisalign in my car and like left him in his underwear and said, I'll be right back. He's like, you have to get it now. I'm like, yes, yes. Especially if we're going to do what you think we're going to do. Yeah. If we're going to get intimate, I want Invisalign. So I never set out to do that.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
No, but I definitely feel I have felt the love over the years from so many women and about being open and about saying the thing that we're told we're not supposed to say. And I don't think there is any shame at all in women being open about their sexual experiences. Yes, do you need to get graphic? I don't know, that's your choice, but we have the choice. And so the choice is up to you.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
You know, you can do whatever you want and you can have success. And I think being authentic, I think it's a perfect lesson to demonstrate how authenticity yields success, because you're not going to argue with someone who's really being themselves. You can choose not to like it, but you can't argue with it.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So I love that I did that when nobody really wanted to do that and everyone thought it was kind of ick. I was like, no, no, no, this is good. Right. It settled it. It was it hit. It was very good.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Actually, I have to say something about Thunder because I do a residency in Vegas and I at the Cosmopolitan Hotel and they wanted to they wanted some of the guys from Thunder Down Under to walk me out on stage on the first night. And I was like, can I see their pictures? because I was like, I've actually slept with one of those guys and I want to make sure it's not him.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So luckily it wasn't, but that was a concern. And that was just recently. I'm like, is he still fucking working there? My God, he must be like almost 50.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I had been on many vacations with my family. I'm a family girl. I have a huge family. My brothers and sisters can't stop procreating, kind of like you. They just want so many babies. And so I really take a lot of pride in being a kick-ass aunt. You know, I'm the one that's going to provide the edibles. I'm the one that's going to provide the adventure. I'm here for you, you know.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And so I had taken, we had been on so many family vacations. And then we were on this vacation and just the boys were hiding beer bottles. You just find beer bottles everywhere because they were secretly drinking from my sister-in-law. She's Russian and, you know, not... not a drinker.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So everyone's just sneaking everything and there was stuff being hidden and just belligerent and just kind of no one making eye contact with any of the people who were coming into our house to help clean or any of the food delivery people. And I just had such an ick feeling, you know, leaving that vacation.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I just kind of felt so, A, taken advantage of and B, I knew I had a responsibility in it because I was the one taking them on these taking them on these lavish vacations and paying for everything and paying for housekeepers to come and clean up after them. No wonder they didn't know how to clean their rooms because they didn't think they had to when they were with me.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
But seeing my sisters clean up dishes, like seeing the kids eat and leave their plates, you know, in the living room. And then my sisters going and picking that stuff up and just seeing the whole behavior of that week. We were on Martha's Vineyard that week. And I remember just at the end of the vacation, I was in one of my, like, I just had gotten pissed, you know?
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And I got quiet and my sisters were like, oh, she's about to blow, you know? Like, this is, here we go, here we go. It's always like good until Chelsea flips out. And I'm like, no, I'm not gonna flip out. Like, I'm gonna figure out the right way to deal with this. It's not yelling and screaming. It's hard to get anything done with yelling and screaming. I didn't learn on that until I was 40.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And it's really nice to be able to make a point or have an argument without losing your temper. And so I just thought long and hard and I wrote that letter and revised it and revised it and then I sent it off and it felt fucking awesome. They didn't love it. They did not react, you know, they weren't pleased and it took a while but eventually every single one of them came around.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
At first it was funny because people were like, that's not me, that's not me. They're talking about, you know, everyone else did that. And I was like, no, no, it's all of you. And it's also all of you to my siblings. I'm like, you're the reason that your children are acting this way too. I'm taking my responsibility, but you're all responsible for your children's behavior too.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And so then they were included in the letter. They're like, oh no. And then slowly everyone was like, we're sorry. Like you made a good point. But it led to better vacations, right? Yes, it led to a lot more respect and a lot more appreciation. There's really nothing as disappointing as rude children. And not that any of them are rude, but just not considerate enough at that point.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I want to please and thank you to every person you meet. When we go out to a restaurant, look at the fucking waiter in the eye. Don't lie down at a restaurant. Get up and look at that person and order your food. Don't look at your mother. You're 14. Decide what you want to eat and then fucking say it. Yes.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So all of those things, you know, it was either that or I wrote a book called Hot Parenting Tips. And then that would have been like passive aggressive, you know? Sure. Just go straight for it.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yeah.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
No, I'm not passive aggressive.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I like aggressive aggressive, not passive aggressive.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I don't have the personality for that.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Um, I was on a show called girls behaving badly. So that was kind of a break. I mean, it wasn't like big money, but it was I was on TV and I was on a show that was fun. And it was four other girls with me and we laughed a lot. And we had a great time and I was being paid to be funny. So I loved that. And then after that, uh,
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I think I had had a couple of development deals where they give you like $100,000 and they're gonna develop a TV show. And so I got a couple of those deals, but that wasn't like a huge break. That was like potentially could be something and then potentially falls apart. And then I think Chelsea lately came around right after, Girls Behaving Badly led to, then I did My Horizontal Life.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And then I did a show called The Chelsea Handler Show on E! That was only one season. And they said, we love you. This show isn't working. We'd we'd like to put you on a late night show. So Chelsea Lately and then my second book kind of came out at the same time. And then that became the big thing. That became when people started to know who I was.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Oh, have you seen Doug, my new dog? He's more petable than Chunk even.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Chunk once jumped out of a helicopter after me. I fell out of a helicopter once. That's commitment. by accident, I was tipsy at the time. But and we were- Was it on the ground? No, it was over the Hudson River thankfully. So I fell into the actual Hudson River. Oh my God. And guess what?
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I was making a joke to my boyfriend at the time and I stepped out of the helicopter and I made this big gesture and slipped, fell off the helicopter in a pea coat and knee high leather boots. It was Thanksgiving weekend. I fell into the Hudson River and I was panicking because I was like, you know, it's so cold. It was November. Takes your breath away.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And I start swimming and paddling in this big pea coat that I had. And then my foot kicked the ground and I realized I was only in two feet of water swimming like an asshole. And then I look up and Chunk jumps out of the helicopter after me into the Hudson River. That's true love. I mean, when he did that, I was like, I'm going to marry a dog. Like I couldn't believe the commitment and the love.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Like it was so unbesmirched love, you know, like so pure. I just, I loved that dog so much.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
He was my first rescue. So he made me a mother and I've been, and now I've had, I don't know how many rescues in my life, but that was all chow mixes.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I love chows.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yeah. They have an attitude. I like that.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I know, your husband wears flip-flops.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And do you like the boots?
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
You don't care either way what he's wearing.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I had a guy come and meet me over the summer in Mallorca. We were on vacation and he was coming to meet me and I told him, please don't bring flip flops. Like I know this is a beach setting and you're gonna be confused, but I'll have shoes for you when you get here. So what I like to do for any man I'm dating
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yeah, Birkenstocks are hot. They would look cute on Jason, Birkenstocks. That would be a hot look.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
But most guys that like flip-flops are opposed to Birkenstocks. I wonder if Jason would care. Does he care what's on his feet? Clearly not if he's wearing flip-flops.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I am not a Vegas person. Okay. But I do a residency, which means I go once a month for the next two years at the Cosmo. It's at the Chelsea Theater, so I get to perform inside myself, which has always been a dream of mine. Delightful. And I bring a group of friends and we gamble. I perform and everyone gets to come and we get a bunch of rooms and then we gamble every time. I love gambling.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I love gambling. It is so much fun. What's your game of choice? Blackjack. Okay. And so I bring everyone. I give everyone money and I'm like, okay, this is our time here and this is all the money we have. And so far, no one has ever walked away without more money. Really? We have an amazing track record.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I believe that I have touched the Cosmopolitan Casino and that I have given it good luck because I have not lost a penny there.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yeah, maybe you started the luck. No, I don't know about that. And the Cosmo was actually a fun hotel. I didn't know much about it before the casino. But the selling point was that they have the Chelsea Theater. And I was like, well, okay. I mean, this makes a lot of sense. They basically walked you right into it.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So I did it. But I'm not a Vegas person. I understand. It's pretty depressing in the daytime. Yeah.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yeah, like you're a businesswoman at a conference.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So many things have happened in Vegas. So many embarrassing things. So many hookups. So many... Well, this is really embarrassing, but I'll tell it. I mean, why not? I once was with... This is when I was in my early 20s. And I was with my girlfriend. And I got up in the middle of the night. to try to use the bathroom, but I couldn't. It was so dark and black that I couldn't find it.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And I was banging on the walls, trying to find a door so that I could urinate. And eventually I gave up and peed in my own shoe. That was a low point. For sure. And my friend woke up in the middle of the night because she heard my stream of urine hitting the bottom of my shoe and ricocheting out of it. I didn't know it was my shoe.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I thought it was just, I was like, okay, here's a receptacle, you know, other than just peeing right straight out on the floor. And I remember in the morning... And there was another girl that had hooked up with a guy and she came back and she's like, why is there water everywhere? And we're like, it's not water. It was just disgusting. Just a night of just debauchery.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And I thought to myself, I should never spend the night here again. You know, I blame the city. I don't blame my character. You know, I don't usually pee in sneakers or hotel rooms on the ground. But that was a low point for sure. And that hasn't happened again. You know, so I think that's a victory. Yeah.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yeah, that's maturity and growing up. I'm sure that headline is going to be all around town. So we can all look forward to reading that together. Chelsea Handler urinates on Vegas hotel room floor.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Well, I think that, I mean, it's pretty obvious that people want women in their their natural role and which is an antiquated role for all women. You know, now we're coming to a place where women and I talk about this a lot in the book because it's so important to know if you have what it takes to be a mother. I don't have that.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
What I do have is a huge bandwidth because I don't have my own family to take care of. I don't have four or five children or even two children that I have to focus on. And what that opens me up and gives me the availability to do for other children in my life is really amazing. Like I'm able to send kids to college that I've never met.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I'm able to take my friend's kids to New York and to Hawaii and to Mallorca. I'm able to...
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
to do so many things that if i had my own children i wouldn't do so like it's not you can't speak about the benefits enough if you're not cut out for motherhood you're doing your child a favor your unborn child a favor and you're doing the world a favor we don't need any more neglected or screwed up children we don't need that in this world the world is crazy enough so i am always excited to talk about all of the wonderful things that can be yielded when you choose
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
to understand what your capabilities are. I have a million capabilities. Being a mother isn't one of them. I'm a really good stepdad and I thrive in that zone. I want to spoil kids. I want to show them anything is possible, that the world is endless and filled with possibilities if you are really authentic and understand who you are and you get after it. You know what I mean?
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
You have a really great work ethic. You know how to work hard and you know how to be a sister to everyone and love people up. And I think that's the biggest thing that I've learned from not having a child. It's made me even more sensitive to just being a sister to the world, you know, without...
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
sounding like corny in that sense, like sisterhood, being a woman and being there for other women and showing up and being honest and telling the truth. All of those things are really valuable and I take them really seriously. That's incredible.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Thank you. Congratulations to you on everything. Thank you. Because it's really nice to see the success that you're having. Thank you. It's really nice. Thank you so much.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Thank you.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yes, I have a lot of people that say that to me. They say they don't read, I'm the only books they've ever read, which is concerning. It's damn near. Which is concerning, but you know what? I'm better for it. Yes, as long as you're reading something, it really doesn't matter what.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
That's my attitude.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Sometimes with tops on, but yes, a topless. Bikini. Sometimes I have something covering my nipples. Sure. For, you know, decency.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Yes. For my nephews.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
This year, I already filmed my birthday video. It's going to come out tomorrow on my birthday. I'm just editing it right now. This would be my favorite one because it's not just me. I got a whole bunch of women to ski in bikinis with me and I rented a mountain so that we could ski down and do as many takes as necessary without running from the ski patrol, which is normally how we have to do it.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Especially when I'm topless. But my nephews have made a request a few years back and said, can you please not be topless on Instagram because we're going into college and our friends talk about you. And I was like, that's awesome that they're still talking about me and they're in college. That means I'm still hot. And they're like, that's not how we're seeing it.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
And I said, OK, fine, I can respect that. But another reason why I didn't have children and now I'm forced to adhere to my brothers and sisters, children's rules for me. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So they're attacking me, I feel like. But I did it this year. And at a certain point, you should put your top on probably. So I decided.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
But this year was all a bunch of women and we all skied together and I was in the lead. And it was really just the energy is exactly the kind of energy that I want to demonstrate for women everywhere. And it's the energy of the book, which is like female sisterhood, togetherness, let's get this and let's stick together and be empowered by each other.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
Oh, yeah, that was that was that was a cute one. Every time I see that picture, I have these pictures on my phone that rotate. And every time Bernice comes up on my backpack, I was holding Doug, who was my new dog at the time, who was 70 pounds. And then I had Bernice, who was 30 pounds on my back.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
So by the time I got done with that shoot, I had lost like six pounds in water weight from sweating in the snow. Yes. Yeah.
Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce
Kylie & Chelsea Handler on Embarrassing Vegas Nights, Flip-Flop Aversions & Bikini Skiing | Ep. 12
I feel like 50 is a reset. It's kind of like a rebirth, a restart, a fresh... I feel so positive about... my life and the way that it's turned out, that if I could talk to myself as a little girl and be like, oh my God, it's going to be okay.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Yeah. Yeah. I want to be a hard worker. You know, I'm a hustler. Yeah. That's what this business is, hustling. I've been doing this since I was, I mean, when I became very successful, probably 30, 32 was when Chelsea Lately began, but I had... I had a lot of success before that that wasn't as big, right? So my career started kind of taking off. I published my first book when I was 27.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I was on a show called Girls Behaving Badly. I had a few development deals. So I had little pockets of success and I was kind of, the drumbeat was going in the right direction. Yeah. But since I can remember, like even when I was on Chelsea Lately for seven years, I did that show five days a week or four days a week. And then I would be on a book tour every single weekend.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I would fly to three different cities or two different cities and do anywhere from three to six shows a weekend. fly back on a Monday morning, do all of that again. And I've always been able to really hit it hard. You know, I take long breaks when I have time. I'll take a month off and go to my house in Spain.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I'm about to leave for Whistler for a month because I like to play hard and I like to work hard and I want all of the experiences.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I think that in life, like it is a measure of your character to be able to meet the moments that you are in and especially difficult conversations and handling difficult emotions is character growth. And we are tested so many times throughout our life to be that, to step up to the plate, to be an honorable person. I want to be moral. I want to be ethical. I don't want to lie.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
One more woman succeeding means more success for all of us. And it's so much more infectious to be optimistic and to be hopeful and to be happy about people rather than talking shit behind people's back and gossiping and all of the, like, small vibrational qualities. I've done that in my life, and it has yielded the results that weren't beneficial to me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You know, I, sometimes we have to lie, but you know, or it's the best thing to do too. But when you are coming from a place of integrity, which is not a word that can ever be underused or undervalued because really integrity is just the most important thing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
So many parts of the world are lacking or so many areas are lacking, you know, like, so it's so important to when you're making a decision or you're breaking up a relationship and you're doing it because of your best interest, there is a very gentle way to do those things.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And the other person can receive that in a, like when you are mindful and intentional about how you are relaying that information and, It's not really your problem how the other person receives that. All you have to do is honor both of you in that conversation. You can't take care of someone else's emotional reaction to what you've said when you're coming from a place of self...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
not preservation even, but like integrity. Like this no longer works for me. I'm so sorry, but I respect you and I appreciate everything we've been through together thus far. You have been a huge addition to my life. And right now, this doesn't make any sense for me. It doesn't make sense for me to move forward.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And I really have to think about myself because who else is gonna think about me if I don't think about myself? You know, so, you know, while the nuances may differ depending on what relationship you're ending, I think there's always a loving, gentle way to let someone know that this is, we're going to put this on pause. You know, nothing is final. I don't think that is good language to use. Shh.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
slamming doors and keeping them closed forever isn't loving. There's always possibility that we could circle back around. And I think that's also a nice kind of way to let people know, like maybe we will come back together at some point, but this isn't the right time right now for me. And I need you to respect that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And while people's reactions may vary and some people be angry or hurt or feel rejected, There's nothing bad that can come from acting with integrity.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Well, I mean, one of my conversations with one of my agents was quite emotional, actually, because she and I had had a personal experience a few years back, you know, that was very meaningful and a difficult time in her life. And and so we were you know, it became emotional. And but again, I got off the phone and I spoke to my other agent who I had for many years and.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And I, I felt proud, like that I was able to face that moment. I felt proud that I was able to be an adult. I felt proud that she, that we got emotional, like that connection, you know what I mean? I'm getting emotional just talking about it because it is so meaningful because all you really want in life is to have an impact on people, you know? That's what I want.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I want people to feel impacted by me. I want people to feel better and to know that like I'm your sister, you know? And in that conversation with her, that was really, she reminded me that I was a good sister to her and I had forgotten that, you know? So I think with all of this, like, you know, it's hard. Conflict is hard for so many people, but it doesn't have to be conflict.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You saying your piece or standing up for yourself doesn't have to be conflict. It can be easy, you know?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Yeah, I hope so. I hope so because, listen, that's the biggest compliment you could ever give me is telling me that I'm a great sister and a great friend. That's what I wanted to be, and that's who I want to be. I want to show up, you know, and I would do it for a stranger. You don't have to know me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Like, you know, if you're in need and I know you and I see you and I come across you, I will help you. You can fucking bet your bottom dollar I will help you, you know, pick you up and patch you back together and do whatever I can because... You know, we have to stick together as women.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
There's just, I remember coming up in this industry and it being, it was just like, we've been ingrained in women, like that we have to compete with each other. And all of the blockades that I experienced in my beginning of my career were by women, not by men. And I was like, what's going on? Like I was threatening to them. And in turn, they were trying to block my success, right?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And tell me I didn't have the value that I believed I had. And I found that so confounding. And so when I started doing my show on Chelsea Lately, you know, I had my own, you know, issues with people I've worked with before, you know, where I wasn't gracious, you know, maybe, or we had friction between us or we were competitive. But once I felt that value,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
directed at me, I made sure that I was never going to move forward professionally in that way. Like once I felt it, once I got Chelsea Lately, I was like, I'm going to share this spotlight with as many women, gay men, you know, marginalized communities. Like I want people of color. Everyone was going to be a part of my playground because I
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I didn't want anyone to ever experience what I experienced. Like, I'm going to come welcome you here on this show and share this, you know, with everyone. And that became that show. And that's why that show was successful, because it was inclusive, not exclusive.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Oh, I'm early. I'm early. I love it. I love it. I can't be on time even. I'm such a loser. My parents never picked me up from school on time, so I've never been late to anything as an adult because I just hate the idea of being abandoned and anyone waiting for me. I hate that. I find it to be, I'm always early, so yeah, sorry. I was way early.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Sure, I have. But like, I mean, I love what you just said. You know, blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours brighter. That's not a real thing. And it's hard in the world we live in. I am a victim of this, too, where I look at someone else's success who's succeeded beyond mine and been like, oh, I wish I had done that or oh.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And it's a constant reminder to be to remember what you just said. That is not your path. You're on your path. Yeah. Like, if anything, use that as a motivator. Change that, like, drumbeat in your head that, ooh, I don't like that, they got that, or they got that. Change that drumbeat like, yeah, that's success. One more woman succeeding means more success for all of us. Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You know, you have to always change those kind of negative thought patterns around to be optimistic and to be hopeful. And it's so much more infectious to be optimistic and to be hopeful and to be happy about people rather than talking shit behind people's back and gossiping and all of the like small vibrational qualities. I've done that in my life and it has yielded the results.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
that weren't beneficial to me. You know, when you change your attitude and you change the way you look at things and that you want success for everyone. I want success for women and for people who are not, don't feel seen. I want everyone to feel successful in life. And when you spread that around, first of all, you see more of it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And you realize that it starts to infuse you with joy and happiness for others in a way which you were maybe unfamiliar with feeling in the past.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I'm early. I can't be on time even. I'm such a loser. My parents never picked me up from school on time. So I've never been late to anything as an adult because I just hate the idea of being abandoned and anyone waiting for me. I hate that. I find it to be, I'm always early. So yeah, sorry. I was way early. Do you feel like you have abandonment issues? Yes, of course.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I mean, I've worked through a lot of them. And I don't have, I mean, I've had them. I would say now, no, I don't feel, I don't have a fear of abandonment. I don't have the same needs that I used to as a younger, like say in a relationship, a romantic relationship. I don't have the constant need for reinforcement or revalidation or reassuring. Are they coming? Are they coming?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Are they, are they going to call when they say they're going to call? Are they going to do that? I don't longer attract people like that in my life. So it's not an issue. Yeah. And I don't feel worried about whether or not someone is going to follow through with something with me because I don't have people like that in my life anymore. Yeah. Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And like, and it just like, if I say I'm going to do something, I will do it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I always had this feeling, like, that I was gonna have a big, loud life. I said, I'm gonna become And I said, I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I have a lot to say, and I'm gonna help a lot of people. And my aunt looked at me and said, well, you better lose some weight.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I always had this feeling like that I was going to have a big, loud life. And I just felt like, you know, the instinct and the knowing are two different things. Like you have a feeling, but you don't really know what it's going, how it's going to materialize, right? Like I had never heard that about Oprah, which I love. Yeah. And which makes total sense because I feel like she's our mother. Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You know, in this earth, on this earth. She's someone I, you know, obviously look up to immensely. And I've always, I mean, almost every book, you know, I owe to her, like, because of all of her inspiration. So I love that you're talking about her right now. She's such a force of nature. And... When I was little, I just thought this isn't going to do it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Like I looked around at my family and our house and I'm just like, this isn't enough for me. Like I'm going to need some, like a more consistent, a housekeeper. We're going to need, I'm going to need a housekeeper. I don't know what my parents were thinking. They had six children. I was watching the Brady Bunch, you know, with the six kids and the mother and the father and they had Alice.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I was like, where's our fucking Alice? And I just, you know, there was a materialistic sense when I was young because my parents, we lived in this kind of middle class, upper middle class neighborhood. And we were not on the same level as our neighbors financially. And that stuck out. So there was a materialistic aspect, which is, you know, not... the only driving force, nor should it ever be.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And then there was a feeling of, I have so much to say. And it was filled, I had so much angst as a child, especially after my brother died. I was so angry and no mechanism to understand how to digest that anger until much later in life. So it was a lot of delayed grief. But in those moments, I was motivated by my anger
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
discontent you know what I mean I was like this is I am going like my childhood was a placeholder and even though it was filled with all these vivid beautiful memories and my family I have this big huge family that we're all so close and we have these great relationships except for a couple right now because of the election um but you know most of them I um I I just had a motivating like anger.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You know, there's this book that I love called Letting Go by David Hawkins. Have you read that? No. Okay. It's very powerful and it's metaphysical and it's really about your energy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
But he talks about the levels of like kinesiology when you're in your most, you had your highest vibration, you know, and this is measurable scientific stuff, but obviously it's not as talked about all the time as other things are. So when you're in anger, you are actually accomplishing a lot because you're motivated by your anger.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
It's not the highest vibration to be in, but the vibration right above anger is courage. So once you can get rid of your anger and turn your anger into action, it becomes courage. And I think that was very true for most of my adolescence. I was so torn. I was emotionally stuck at that nine-year-old little girl level because I didn't really compute my brother's death in a real way.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I didn't have therapy. I didn't talk to anyone. And that drove me, that like combined with my family life. And just, I just thought like, I'm going to be a woman who stands out and stands up, you know, and I'm going to figure out how I'm going to do it. And when I moved to LA, when I was 19 years old, I didn't, my aunt and uncle lived there.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
They had nine children and they lived in, in, on Beverly Glen Boulevard. And I moved in with them. I had no money. I drove across country by myself and I hustled. I didn't have any connections in this industry. I didn't know anyone except for my aunt and uncle. And they were not in this business. And I remember my aunt sitting down at the kitchen table and I said, I'm going to become famous.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And I said, I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have a lot to say and I'm going to help a lot of people. And my aunt looked at me and said, well, you better lose some weight. And I looked at her and I said, okay. I just like, you know, okay, not okay, I have to lose some weight.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Just like, okay, that's how you're reacting to my desire to say something that's kind of embarrassing to say I want to be famous. You know, what does that mean? You're just an idiot. I mean, that doesn't mean anything. But I didn't understand then what my purpose was. Something was driving me towards the public eye That could have been thought of as shallow.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And my cousin... ...had the video... actual video of her telling me that if I wanted to make it into Hollywood, I was going to have to lose weight, which she had been denying. Confidence isn't a gift that everyone receives, right? Everyone doesn't feel confident all the time. So I've realized that my confidence is a power tool. I felt injected.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And sometimes when I think back, I go, God, all you want to do is be... Now I know why I wanted to do that. You know what I mean? Now I know why. Now I know why when I go on stage and I get to perform in front of 3,000 to 5,000 people and people have paid their money to be...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
to see me and I get to watch strangers sit next to each other in an audience and laugh together next to a stranger, that I get to provide that, that I get to go out on that stage and provide joy and sunshine and healing and let people forget about this craziness, you know, that we live in every day. Like, that is a gift.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
That is my purpose, being able to write my stories and share my, like, my love and my success with all of these people, people I've never met get to share in my success, you know? That is really what it was about, but I was too young to understand that. Now I understand that that was the purpose all along. That was what that, like, drive and that motivation was.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I was going towards something, but I just, I had kind of, you know, I didn't really understand the magnitude of why I wanted it to be successful and why I wanted to be in the public.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I mean, I guess I do because I just. But anyway, I wanted to cap off the story before I forget with regard to my aunt. So my aunt, for many years after that, when I started to become successful, you know, and we would always tell that story. Like all of the kids, my cousins are very close to me. My cousin is on the road with me every weekend. I grew up with those kids. Right.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And they're still my obviously they're very close to me today. So when whenever we would tell that story, I remember my aunt's name is Gabby. We'd like remember Gabby when you told Chelsea she was fat and she couldn't she wasn't going to be successful. And she would be like, I never said that. I never said that. I never said that. So about 10 years ago, she was in a tough spot.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
and I was able to buy her a house. And we surprised her. I went with my two cousins and she had just come out of a divorce and we bought a house for her in the Valley. We brought her to the house to look at it. And as we were looking at it, we were like, this is your house. And had a pool and she loves her grandchildren. So it was like so meaningful, right? And my cousin had the video
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
actual video of her telling me that I was going to be, that if I wanted to make it into Hollywood, I was going to have to lose weight, which she had been denying. And this is so our family, we're rough on each other. You know what I mean? We really give it to each other hard.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And so we go back into the house and my cousin puts the tape in the VCR at the time when they still had VCRs and said, by the way, mom, this is what you said never happened. So on the day that I was able to gift her this house, we were able, we had that footage and they played it for my aunt. And it was just so funny, you know, because it was such an emotional day.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
When I was younger, I would make rash decisions. And I would be reactive. And I would be angry. And I no longer operate that way. And I'm a happier person because of it. I like to play hard. And I like to work hard. And I want all of the experiences.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And we obviously, our family's not that great at emotion. You know, we try to make each other laugh more than we try to make each other cry. So it was a really funny, full circle, gorgeous, gorgeous moment in my life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Yeah, well, I had to pick that up in therapy. Apparently, I didn't have empathy for a long time. I've heard you say that before.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Yes, you can. You can totally learn empathy. That's the greatest update ever. The two things I was so scared about when I went into therapy was, A, first of all, I didn't know I had empathy. I lacked empathy. I did not have it. I just lacked it. I had sympathy and I had generosity, but they're not the same thing. I wasn't thinking about what it would be like to be a different person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I would only go, oh, that person's in trouble. Let me help them. I never thought, what is it like to be them? What is it like to be that person? So the good news is you can gain empathy because it's just like turning a light on that's not on. Thinking about walking in another person's shoes is now something that happens to me daily, you know, regularly, all day long.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I think, oh, that person, what they must be going through, or is that person okay? And don't take this personally. That person could be going through something like, and thinking about what they might be going through. And the biggest fear I had about entering into therapy when I did, and was that I was a narcissist, you know?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And so I asked my therapist, this guy, Dan Siegel, who's incredible and just changed my life forever. I said, am I a narcissist? Like, I need you to really be honest with me. And he was like, typically narcissists aren't looking for feedback. Yeah. And I was like, oh, hallelujah, you know? Like, I was so paranoid that I was this bad person. And I was never a bad person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I have been angry and I've been confused and I've been hurt, but I've not ever been a bad person. And I think so many people... can get confused in thinking that we're bad because we have negative thoughts or we have human thoughts. Like your humanity is going to create dark thoughts. We all have a shadow self.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
We all have a self that's not our best self that is like kind of always like trying to get us to lower our vibe. Yeah. we're innately good, you know? And so that was a relief to find out all of that information. Yeah. Cause I want to be good. I want to be a good girl. You know what I mean? And not the way that like, I don't want to be submissive.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I want to be a good girl because I want to be a good person and I want to help other people be good women.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I want to be good. I want to be a good girl. You know what I mean? And not the way that, like, I don't want to be submissive. I want to be a good girl because I want to be a good person and I want to help other people be good women. Being present is the biggest gift you can give yourself. To not be consumed with worry about the past or something that happened.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Yeah, if you're presenting. If you're presentational and you're coming, like if I were coming here and thinking, how am I going to impress you? I hope you like me. Yeah. That's much different than me coming in and being completely present with you so that there's not even any of that. Of course, we're gonna like each other. You know, like be real. Whoever you are is fine.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You don't have to impress people with your humor or your personality. That all comes naturally as long as you are present. You know, and that's something Oprah talks about all the time. You know, I remember listening to like 10 episodes between her and Eckhart Tolle about presence, about presence. And I was like, what the fuck are they talking about? Like, it took me so long to click in.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And they had this series and people would call in and ask the questions that I was wondering. Like, okay, how does this apply to eating? How does this apply to friendship? And it's like, presence, how can you do that? How can you achieve that in the society that we're living in? very easily. It's a minute by minute thing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Like being present is the biggest gift you can give yourself to not be consumed with worry about the past or something that happened to kind of look at everything and know it's going to be okay either way. I, either way, it's going to be okay. Whatever the outcome is, whether it works in my favor or doesn't, I will survive.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
To kind of look at everything and know it's going to be okay either way.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I felt proud, like, that I was able to face that moment. I felt proud that I was able to be an adult. I mean, I'm getting emotional just talking about it, because it is so meaningful, because all you really want in life is to have an impact on people, you know? That's what I want. I want people to feel impacted by me. I want people to feel better and to know that, like, I'm your sister, you know?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Oh my gosh, I'm so grateful to be here. You're just an absolute delight. Hmm. Thank you. Have you ever arrived with multiple types of ice? No, but whoever my next lover is needs to pay close attention to this because if they have my diet ginger ale that I love and multiple options for ice, also another love and passion of mine. Yeah, that gets you in. That really hits all the right notes for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
I do my homework. Thank you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
My hope has been, especially with this book, is to inject optimism and female empowerment, any empowerment really to anyone who feels disempowered, and to highlight that it is always possible to capture light in darkness.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Yeah, I mean, misplaced confidence, you know, in the beginning, because I was like this as a very young girl, which I also talk a lot about in the book. I've always had been a, I've always been resistant to injustice and authority figures, quite frankly. But injustice very much as I've grown older and realized that confidence isn't a gift that everyone receives, right?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Everyone doesn't feel confident all the time. So I've realized that my confidence is a power tool, and I have to use that judiciously. And I feel when people are being treated badly or unfairly, like that is the best use of my voice. And I've never seen anything happen more consistently or more terrible treatment happen consistently than I have on planes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And the way that our flight attendants, who are our sisters in the sky, are treated during COVID, during post-COVID. We haven't really ever recovered from COVID socially and what people think is appropriate to do on planes or the license they take. And I find that to be completely disrespectful to flight attendants. They are stuck with us in a tube of air.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
for however long your flight is and they deserve to be respected. And they deserve to be, it's more than respect. They can really, they're taking care of us and they're like our nannies. So like we really need to value them and treat them well.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
That's a great question. No, not always. Sometimes I suck it up because I know I can. I can be like, okay, well, that's not about me. That's not going to impact me in a deleterious way that it might impact another person. So I would say I'm more protective of others. You know what I mean? Because I want to make sure that... If people don't feel empowered, I've got your back.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
That's the biggest compliment you could ever give me, is telling me that I'm a great sister and a great friend. That's what I wanted to be, and that's who I want to be. I want to show up, you know, and I would do it for a stranger. You don't have to know me. Like, you know, if you're in need and I know you and I see you and I come across you, I will help you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You know, I have that attitude. But, you know, I'm not shy about standing up for myself. Sometimes I just feel like it's not worth it. I don't need that. I don't need to do that. But, you know, very recently I did stand up for myself in a big way and I had to make a move in my life that... kind of was a bummer, but also I needed to take care of myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And I'm proud of the way that I am able to make decisions at this point in my life. I'm proud of the woman that I've become. I'm proud of all the work that I've put in to become this more self-aware, kinder, still bold and still brave person. And all I wanna do is inject that into other people. Like I want everyone to feel this way.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
It was a professional relationship. So it wasn't a personal relationship, but yeah, it was a professional relationship. You know, I left my agency recently and I had been there for a really long time. And that was a difficult decision to make, one that I thought about long and hard because there were a few people at that agency who, you know, really were working so hard for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
But at the end of the day, I had to step up and decide what I want my future to look like. And I know I made the right decision. So... It was, yeah, it was difficult, but I faced it, you know? And I didn't cower away from an uncomfortable conversation. I didn't do anything, I'm never craven, you know? I never like take the easy way out or let someone else make the call.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
Like I'm very intentional about, I'm gonna tell you that our relationship's over. I'm not gonna have someone else do it. I'm not going to take the easy road out because I'm a conflict avoidant or any of that. I'm not any of those things.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
And while many conversations are uncomfortable, there's a lot to be said about being face to face with someone and giving them that kind of news in a careful, delicate way and an honest way. And so I'm proud of that also.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
They were so gracious. They were so gracious to me because we've been in a relationship for many years and they know me well and they know the type of person that I am and how hard I work. And, you know, some other parts of the agency weren't really working in concert. So they understood. And that was another thing. example of the way that my relationships have been built.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You can fucking bet your bottom dollar I will help you. You know, pick you up and patch you back together and do whatever I can because... You know, we have to stick together as women. All of the blockades that I experienced in my beginning of my career were by women, not by men. They were trying to block my success and tell me I didn't have the value that I believed I had. Yeah, that's success.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! How to Be a Girls’ Girl, Release Negativity, and Experience More Joy!
You know, like the fact that there wasn't anger or resentment and there's, you know, you're always welcome here. If you ever want to come back, please come back. And like, that's exactly how I want things to end. You know, when I was younger, I would make rash decisions and I would be reactive and I would be angry and I no longer operate that way. And I'm a happier person because of it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
No, we have not had a threesome. Not yet. Although I do mention it once in a while. I'll be honest. Yes. I'm like, you know what we should do?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I have someone that I'm seeing now that I'm very attracted to and that I like having sex with, and so that's a really good, nice, like, nice little thing I have going. Is it a serious relationship? Um, I don't think any relationships that I've been in are serious. I don't think of myself as a relationship person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I'll have what she's having. I've only had a threesome with, oh no, no, no. There was some couple when I was in my early twenties. I had a threesome with a couple. That wasn't very successful though. That was kind of awkward. I've only had threesomes with this one woman. She was a masseuse with my ex-boyfriend and we had threesomes with her several times.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Then I hooked up with her a couple of times on my own. And then with my next boyfriend, we also had a threesome with her. But then I lost her number and I don't know where she went, but I would love for her to get back in touch with me. Maybe she'll hear that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Yeah, I... I was sitting next to Katie Couric, and I was apoplectic that I was at a dinner with Woody Allen. Like, I didn't know he was going to be there. I didn't know anyone who was going to be there except for Katie. And I went with Katie Couric. And so when I saw him walk through the door, I was like, this isn't going to go well. Like, I am a confrontational person, especially at that time.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
This was way before therapy. And I was like, I'm going to call him out. Like, there's just no way. And she's like, is there any way you can wait? I'm like... For what? And she's like, just wait until the end of the dinner, maybe. And I was like, oh, I've never tried that. I could try, sure, why not? It was a fun challenge, so I did. And then I waited and waited because I wasn't going to let him
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Not here for me. And he was there with his. With Sunyi. They were sitting right across from me. And when he got his blackberry cobbler at the very end of dinner during our dessert, he took a bite of it, put it into his mouth. And I leaned in as he was chewing on it to him and Sunyi and said, so how did you two meet? And Katie Couric, I think she once told a story that I forgot. I'm like, forgot?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I was like, that's exactly what I meant. Like, I forgot how they met. Like, I had, you know, misspoke. I'm like, no, no, no, that was very intentional. Like, I said that on purpose.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Well, she... I don't know. She... Sunyi Previn, I don't know what her story was. I didn't really... It wasn't really... I was more honed in on him. And he choked... and laughed and almost spit his Blackberry cobbler out. There was something along those lines, but that was the last thing I said. And then I was like, okay, time to go.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And did he say anything back or he just kind of like choked in? No, it was just kind of, I wasn't interested in his response anyway. You know, I just had to I had to make sure that I left that party and everyone knew where I stood. Do you know what I mean? Like, I wasn't going to be like, oh, no, I just had dinner with Woody Allen and was one of these sycophants. And, you know, no, no, no, no, no.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
How did Katie react when she was like, it's time to go? You know, she was just like, oh God, here goes. Chelsea's about to do one of her, you know, I was going to sound off, but I wasn't. It was a whole dinner part. Like, did everyone hear it at the table? I don't remember if everyone heard it. I was so laser focused on when the right time to say that sentence was. Yeah. Like I couldn't not wait.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I think of myself as a purpose person, like my purpose is here, to be here, to have conversations like the one we're having right now, to infuse people with optimism, to be there for women. That is my purpose in this life. Any man that's in my life is not the main character. I wasn't embracing myself in the way that I am now. I was unsure of myself. I was insecure about many of the things.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I was like, okay, hold on. Here we go. We're in the, we're at the bottom of the ninth. This is my move. I was like, I'm going to get them, you know, before I leave, I'm going to say something. I had to say something as a woman. So, okay.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I think the first step into having more fun is to stop taking yourself so seriously. Like we're human beings. So there's a lot of mistakes and there's a lot of embarrassment. And there's a lot of like shame. And you can choose to take that in or you can choose to like literally physically think about it running like water off of a duck's back.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Like I sometimes physically, if I hear something about myself that's icky or I read something about myself that I don't like, I always am just like, I physically, I imagine water physically running down my back and falling off me. Like, it's not my problem, that's okay. And to be joyful,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
is so imperative for mental health like to just you don't have to be funny but you have to have fun you know you don't have to be the person who makes the joke or is clever or oh but you have to be able to be able to a person who appreciates that and is infected by it you know and like oh I like that I like the way that makes me feel I want to make people feel that way
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I wasn't sure if I even was supposed to be a public person anymore. Will I be okay without this man? And the answer was a resounding yes. You will. You might even be better. I've only had threesomes with this one woman. She was a masseuse with my ex-boyfriend. And we had threesomes with her several times. Then I hooked up with her a couple times on my own.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
and to know that you're a human being that makes mistakes. Self-effacement is the name of my game. I always start with myself before I talk about others. I'm the first one to talk about how mindless I am. I mean, I can barely, there's not many things I can do around technology or for myself. I've kind of built this life where a lot of things are done for me, But I never take that seriously.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Like I used to, like if I can't, I don't get upset when I can't work something or I can't do something. I'm like, oh, well, I think this is exactly how you wanted your life to be. You know, you wanted everyone to do things for you and now here you are and you can't even turn a TV on. Like you're, you know, like I don't take myself seriously anymore. I used to, I used to get so mad.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And I think that's the first step of being joyful is to understand like you're not perfect. You can constantly get better. And joyfulness is kind of the one thing that like, you know, no one can really take from you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Yes. You see people in their cars, like, it's so embarrassing. Like, are you seriously getting mad at somebody else for their driving? Like, why are you wasting your...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
joy on that you just gave away joy like yeah you're you're choosing anger you're you're choosing to be angry over something that has you have no control over like i i remember someone once sent a picture to me of me i was furiously texting like an agent or a manager at some point and you know like angry texting where you're like yeah and my assistant at the time sent me the picture and i just went oh
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Oh, like, what are you doing? What are you doing sending emails like that and texts like that with that kind of energy? Transmitting anger and what are you doing? There's a million ways to say everything. Find the nicest way, the gentlest way. You can still be firm and stand up for yourself with grace. You know what I mean?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
It doesn't have to be, well, I'm a powerful, you didn't do this and you didn't do that. Like all of that stuff is a choice. So, you know, like when I see people with like road rage or if I see someone, you know, getting mad at a server or a flight attendant, I'm like, you've lost the plot.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Like if you're really upset, like if your flight gets delayed and it's nine hours and you're stuck at the airport, you can choose to have a great time at that airport. Yeah. You can choose that. or you can be a baby and cry about it for five or six hours. You know what I mean? And of course there are extenuating circumstances.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
If you're trying to get home to a loved one who's sick or something like that, of course, I understand that. But really in the grand scheme of things, Take whatever things that don't go your way and turn them into something that does.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And then with my next boyfriend, we also had a threesome with her. But then I lost her number, and I don't know where she went. But I would love for her to get back in touch with me. Maybe she'll hear that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Because once you settle into who you really are, and we all have that, we all have like the essence of who we are, the truest, best version of ourselves. Once we allow that person to come through, there is no more room for trying to make an impression, trying to get someone to like you, trying, trying, trying. That is futile.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
The only way you really get people to like you is by being who you are because people are going to like you. People are going to dislike you and people are going to like you. Both of those things can be true. And both of those things will happen. And that's great. Go where the light is. Go to the people that like you. Stay there. Surround yourself with those people.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And then you will just keep adding to that crew of love in your life. You don't focus on the haters. You don't focus on the negativity. And you don't focus on thinking about, did I say the wrong thing? Did I did it? No. All of that energy, it doesn't get you anything. It just gets you circular thoughts and negative thoughts about yourself. And you just have to remember who you are is good enough.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
It really is for everybody. Just be who you are and you're going to be rewarded for that. And then you take out all that chatter.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Whistler. I usually, sometimes I've been topless. Usually the last couple of years, because I have nieces and nephews there.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
who now who's appointedly said can you please not be topless on uh and I was like yeah you know what you bring up a good point you know it is slightly vulgar but it's not vulgar you know like it's freeing it's freeing like I find I understand where they're coming from but you know so anyway so I think the last few years I have worn a top but and then I think that um
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
That's something like, you know, to me is the essence of who I am. Me skiing down a mountain with a joint in one hand, a margarita in the other. Sometimes I have my dogs on me. Sometimes I don't. In a bikini is exactly who I wanted to be when I grew up. Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I think about, have you ever dealt with body image? Oh, yes, of course. I'm a woman. I mean, I don't know how to, of course. I've done the same thing in my 20s. I would weigh myself 15 times a day. I would stop. If I weighed a certain amount, I wouldn't go out that night. I would exercise.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I would run for two hours on the beach and then come back and weigh myself to see how much water weight I lost. So such a waste. I've wasted so many hours about my body image. So many. And I hate that every woman in this world deals with that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
You know, I hate that our society hasn't embraced, even though, you know, we're beginning the conversations, it's going to take another thousand years for girls to understand. Like everyone is different. You all have different parts. So yes, I am a victim of the very same thing. And it is, I don't know what the answer to that is. I don't know how you get out of that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I think- Are you out of it now? Yeah, to a degree, but I still care. I still care about what I look like in a bathing suit. I'm much more freer about the fact that I do have cellulite and it's not shameful. But I also take really good care of myself because I want to look- you know, my strongest and my healthiest. I want to be powerful.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Like I lift weights because I want to be strong and I want to be able to ski like a badass, you know, like I, I, I train all the time because I want to be strong for skiing. And I, I also want to look good. And I'm not, I'm not somebody that you can excise from that argument and say that I don't feel that way. I do. I do care about the way I look.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And I wish we had an answer, but I don't have the answer for that. I don't know.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I'm not going to say people get offended too easily because it's not really anyone's decision what offends another person. Yeah. I think it's great information to understand why people are offended. I think that's great information as a comedian who has offended many people in my career and on my shows to learn...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
parameters and boundaries and sensitivities that people have is a very useful tool in making me a sharper comedian, not a less sharp comedian. Nobody else, nobody's taking away funny. You have to be more clever about your jokes. If you don't want to offend people, I don't, want to offend people.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I, I want to, you know, I mean, I don't care about, you know, offending most Republicans, but I, you know, the people that I think are inherent, like, if you tell me that this is hurtful to me, then I'm not doing that. You know what I mean? I find that to be very useful information. I don't find that to be a, a limit to my, to my comedy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
It's actually enhanced my comedy because I've had to rise up
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I think about, have you ever dealt with body image? Oh, I've done the same thing in my 20s. I would weigh myself 15 times a day. I would stop. If I weighed a certain amount, I wouldn't go out that night. I would exercise. I would run for two hours on the beach and then come back and weigh myself to see how much water weight I lost. So... Such a waste. I've wasted so many hours about my body image.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
College funds, creating college funds for lots of people, strangers, people I do know, people who've worked for me, my family members, people I'll never meet. Yeah. People who will never know I sent them to college.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
That feels really good.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I know you're a reader. I know. Your whole life, yeah. I'm going to say two. House of Mirth by Edith Wharton. I think that is just the best kind of sociological study or demonstration of human beings in modern society. and Timeless, and then the book I mentioned earlier, Letting Go, because that transformed my life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And I think, and I've heard back from so many people who I've recommended the book to, how it's transformed them and their lives. And that, yeah, so those two. Favorite joke of all time? My favorite joke, I guess the Woody Allen. It wasn't a joke, but that's my favorite story. Favorite lover of all time? Lover? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Who's my favorite lover? I'll have to say the current one. Ah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Yeah. Whoever I'm with is going to be my favorite.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Oh, oh, yeah. Well, I guess that would be a good answer too.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Favorite quote or prayer? It doesn't matter how many people say no, all you need is one person to say yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
To have gratitude.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
So many. And I hate that every woman in this world deals with that. I don't know how you get out of that. I think obviously- Are you out of it now?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Oh my God. What a delightful conversation. I had such a good time with you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Yeah, I... When he got his blackberry cobbler at the very end of dinner during our dessert, he took a bite of it, put it into his mouth, and I leaned in as he was chewing on it to him and Sun Yi and said, so how did you two meet? And what did they say back?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I think the first step into having more fun is to be joyful. is so imperative for mental health. Like to just, you don't have to be funny, but you have to have fun. I don't take myself seriously anymore. I used to, I used to get so mad. And I think that's the first step of being joyful.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Because once you settle into who you really are, and we all have that, we all have the essence of who we are, the truest, best version of ourselves. Once we allow that person to come through, there is no more room for trying to make an impression, trying to get someone to like you, trying, trying, trying. That is futile. The only way you really get people to like you is by being who you are.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Because people are going to like you. People are going to dislike you. And people are going to like you. Both of those things can be true. And both of those things will happen. And that's great. Go where the light is. Go to the people that like you. Stay there. Surround yourself with those people. And then you will just keep adding to that crew. Who you are is good enough.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
It really is. For everybody, just be who you are, and you're gonna be rewarded for that. And then you take out all that chatter. Me skiing down a mountain with a joint in one hand, a margarita in the other. Sometimes I have my dogs on me, sometimes I don't. In a bikini is exactly who I wanted to be when I grew up.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
really inspiring oh my gosh you no wonder you're so successful you're such an incredible interviewer you really are great interview so nice it made me think about my interviews on my podcast i'm like i really need to get more prepared you know i've never done an edible so if i ever do an edible in my life i'm calling you
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I've had a few threesomes and yeah, I find it very sexy. I find that very sexy. As long as you're in a trusting dynamic with your partner, bringing a third person in, I think can be a lot of fun. Um, but you have to be able to trust each other and do that. And, uh, yeah, I, I think about that. I mean, I'm definitely open to doing it again. So it was always a good, it's kind of like drugs for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Like I like adventure, you know? Yeah. So I'm always open to more adventure. Has it, does it matter if the proportion of men and women in it? It has to be a woman. I don't want to have sex with two men at the same time. I'm not interested in that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
That's not been a fantasy of mine, but I do like seeing a man, you know, like a man that I'm with being sexual with another woman when it's in front of me. Like I find that very sexy. Yeah. What about two women? So three women. Three women together? Yeah, I would be into that. Women are always safe, you know? Like, I find women to be more safe than men, obviously.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
So, like, yeah, I would... I mean, I don't think I'm, you know... Like I would be with a woman in a relationship. I'm not there, but I would be sexual with a woman. Do you think you ever would be with a woman in a relationship? I don't know. I mean, people always think that I'm going to become a lesbian at some point. They're always like, well, you come on over, Chelsea. We know you're coming.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Come over to the other side, like all my lesbian friends. But it's never happened thus far. So I don't know. I wouldn't rule anything out, but I am very attracted to men. You know, I mean, it gets harder and harder, but... But, you know, I have someone that I'm seeing now that I'm very attracted to and that I like having sex with.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And so that's a really good, nice, like nice little thing I have going. Is it a serious relationship? I don't think any relationships that I've been in. are serious. I don't think of myself as a relationship person. I think of myself as a purpose person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Like my purpose is here to be here, to have conversations like the one we're having right now, to infuse people with optimism, to be there for women. That is my purpose in this life, whether there are more lives or not, I really don't have a strong opinion on that either. All I know is I know what I'm supposed to be doing. And any man that's in my life is not the main character.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
That's a side relationship. And I love them and I want to respect everybody, but that's not my main MO in life. That is, I'm not that kind of person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Yes, and I think it's about the choices we make. My relationship with him, I was so... I started dating Joe when I was at a point in my life where I was in a confusing time. I wasn't embracing myself in the way that I am now. I was unsure of myself. I was insecure about many of the things.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I wasn't sure if I even was supposed to be a public person anymore, if anyone cared about whether or not I contributed anything more creatively. And he came into my life and it's very clear to me now why he came in to pick me up and boost me up and remind me of who I am and remind me of what my talents are and what my purpose is and what I'm good at. Instead of forgetting, I was a little bit lost.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And so he kind of picked me up and reminded me of all of the things I had forgotten about myself. And in doing so, loved me, adored me, was just so sweet and everything. And when we had to break up, I had to think about like, am I still allowed to be in this more elevated position where I was as opposed to the position he found me in, right? When we got together.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I've had a few threesomes. And yeah, I find it very sexy. I mean, I'm definitely open to doing it again. I like adventure, you know? Does it matter if the proportion of men and women in it? People always think that I'm going to become a lesbian at some point. They're always like, come on over, Chelsea.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Am I still allowed to be here where he brought me without him as my partner? And the answer was, yes, I'm here by way of you, not because of you. You didn't create me. You picked me up when I was down and I will always be grateful for that. And it's a reminder that, to women everywhere, you know, that relationship, I didn't wanna break up with him. I didn't want to. I felt like I had no choice.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
I had to protect myself in a way that he was asking things of me that I wasn't, that were compromising. And I remember like, Am I going to be okay without him? We were so public and it was so much attention and it was so positive. Will I be okay without this man? And the answer was a resounding, yes, you will. You might even be better. So what was he asking that was compromising?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
Just what his ideas of a relationship were and the expectations he had of me. And a lot of them were really old fashioned and outdated. And I was never going to sublimate myself in a way where I was... you know, being asked to do things that I wasn't comfortable with. I'm a very strong, independent woman. I like to be alone, as we've mentioned.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Reveals All! Pt 3 How to Live More, Laugh More, Love More and Finally Feel Free!
And he wanted more than I was, you know, than I had to give. I didn't have the bandwidth. Conversely, to the relationship I'm in now, I have the freedom to be myself. I have the freedom to go about my life. And that's why we're still together.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So I didn't care at that point. But no, that didn't happen. That picture wasn't transmitted onto MSNBC.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
No, I'm sure he probably had to delete that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
No, it wasn't sexy. It was flirty. He just was really enjoying the attention. And I was filming my special at the time, a special, and I was trying to find a venue in New York. So he was also helping me with that because everything was shut down, right? So we had to do it in an outdoor venue, but I really wanted to shoot it during COVID and like, you know, be done with it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And I didn't want COVID to stop me. And that was another, you know, example of like not letting the circumstances that you find your in... yourself in prohibit you from succeeding. You know, there's people who can find success in any environment. And just because COVID everyone's like, no, no, it's impossible. You can't shoot your special. I was like, yes, I can.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I'm going to find someplace and I'm going to do it. And even if it's only a hundred people, like this is a, this is a special I need to get out. I'm ready to put it out there. And we did, we found this beautiful old historic train station in New York. We had like 150 people outside and we shot that special and it was on HBO max. And I was able to get that done, you know?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And I think that's a very also important thing that I always want to share with so many women is you have to believe in yourself. You have to believe in yourself if anyone else is going to believe in you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes you have to be that for another person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
You have to tell someone, I believe in you when you see someone down or you see someone struggling so that you can infuse them with the self-belief that they're lacking in that moment.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I was talking to Joy Behar and Whoopi, I think it was, and I said I would like to be penetrated by the governor of New York. Three days went by and then I heard from him. And I was just like, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. I'm gonna become the first lady of New York. He was just very flirty. He liked it. Did you ever send pictures or anything back and forth?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Um, I believe that there's a lot of stuff that we don't know. I do believe in magic and spirits. And I don't think that energy dies. I don't think it doesn't. It transforms. So I think when someone dies with my mother, I believe that she is around me. I feel her around me all the time. Yeah. I have this symbol between my mom and me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
When I see oranges out of place, that's my mom telling me it's okay. When I see two oranges, it's my mom and brother telling me it's okay. And I can't see them in a grocery store or in your kitchen. But if I see them, I was skiing once on my birthday. I believe it was like my 44th birthday. And I was in Whistler. I'm always there for my birthday, except for this year because my book release.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
But, and I was skiing through these trees with a girlfriend of mine and there was an orange in the middle of the trees. And it was, I skied into it and it popped up. And it was like a snowy day. So there was a lot of snow. Like I wouldn't have seen it unless I skied right into it. And there was an orange and it was my birthday. And I knew right away, my mom was there. I just knew it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So I do believe in that. Do I believe there's a man in the sky? No. I believe there is a universal intelligence and the universe is here to guide that. There is some intelligence that we can't see, but when you tap into your best self, you feel it every single day. Even when the circumstances aren't what you imagine,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
when you are working in concert with the universe and you are happy and you choose happiness and you choose optimism, everything in life becomes easier.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Yes, I love that. And not to resist the stuff. Like I think our biggest, and this is a lesson that took me so long to understand, when things don't go your way, Let go. Don't fight. Like it's okay. Let go of your attachment to the outcome of everything. You have to let go of that to enhance your own life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Yes, I sent pictures and I pulled the top down of my bikini and I was like, and my brother Roy is taking the picture of me and I'm sure he probably had to delete that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Stress and the worry. Yeah. And the negative talk. You know, I like even when I send a text to a close friend. Yeah. And like, let me think of a good example. Like, I'm never, ever going to put negativity in writing. Do you know what I mean? Like when I'm sending a text, like if they say, oh, hey, do you want to do this? Do this? They send, you know, my publicist send me a list of podcasts.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Here are your offers. Which ones would you like to do? I won't even say I don't want to do one. I say, I'd like to do this, this, and this. These sound so exciting. I'm just so much more aware of putting positivity out instead of negativity. Instead of saying, I don't want to do something. No, no. Tell me what you do want to do. I can't go to dinner.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Like, you know, even if it's just the simplest exchanges, you know, I've stopped myself. Like when I've realized I might be making fun of someone in a text, I'm like, no, no, no. I don't want to be putting anything like that. Writing something down has like an energetic impact. about your whole life. So like, I'm very, I've always felt that way about writing. You know what I mean?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Be careful what you write. It's going to be there forever. Anyone can hack any of your things. But not just from like a paranoid perspective of, oh, someone might read this one day. From who, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be putting out the good vibes or the negative vibes? And the negativity is very infectious.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And it can feel really good. And the payoffs can feel really good in the moment. Gossiping and being mean spirited about someone that you both don't like. But that's not where I will not ever spend my time doing that in this life again. Mm hmm.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I was very stoned when I met the former President of the United States, George W. Bush, and I told him so. I let him know that I was indeed very stoned, and he was very cute about it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And also like, you know, this was the example I was going to say. It's like, you know how sometimes somebody will invite you to dinner or I'll invite someone to dinner and then they respond with, I can't, I have to do this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this. That's not necessary. Just like, I would love to, tonight doesn't work, let's find another night.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Like don't list your grievances to other people. I would never say, I have one of the busiest lives, probably anyone in my, like I know how busy my life is. I would never sit and list all of the things I have to do to another person and write that in a text. Like a friend asking you to come over. Yeah, can you come over? Like if someone said, hey, are you doing anything? Can you come over?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I'd love to. Today's not going to work. This is when I'm in town again. Let's see if we can hook up then. Make it positive. Don't write down everything. That's just not helpful.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Like my cousin, we came home last weekend and I've been hitting it pretty hard because my tour is a few nights a week, like three nights a week. We travel somewhere and it's, you know, that has an effect on your system and you're tired after you do three shows in a row. And we were coming back, and we were landing on Monday, and I was walking straight into my podcast.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I was interviewing Riley Keough at the time for her book. Yeah. My cousin was on the road with me and she has a young daughter and she's like, I am going home and getting into bed for eight hours straight. I'm not speaking to my husband. I'm not speaking to my daughter. I have to recover from this weekend because of all the travel and all the fun.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And she said, and you also, we need to give you days that you don't have anything to do. Like, this is crazy. Your schedule is crazy. I'm like, it's not. I go, I'm doing this all so I can have a month off in December. I'm going to get a whole month of nothing work related because I'm hitting it so hard now. Like I welcome it. You know what I mean? Don't make it into a negative. It's a positive.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
If anyone can take it, I can take it. You know what I mean? If anyone can hustle, I can hustle. So I welcome it and I'm grateful for the opportunity to come up here and sit down with you. I'm not like, oh God, I got to go drive up to Montecito. No, it's the opposite. It's like, I can't wait to go have an incredible conversation with this amazing woman.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And then I get to your house and I'm blown away by this whole thing. Like how happy making is it?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Well, I haven't always been this way. And I'm not in a cult for anyone who's listening who's like, this is a little too positive. No, it's just, I've learned the effects of being positive. And it's just like a ripple effect. And it makes people in your life happy Like I'm able to, you know, you're dropping sunshine into everyone's drinks. Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I can't really spend time around conspiracy theorists. That's a level that I'm not willing to expose. I don't need that energy around me. I find that to be very low vibes. You know the Earth is flat, right?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Yeah, I thought the moon and the sun were the same thing for a long time. I'm a late bloomer. Anything involving science?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Well, we were renting this house in Maine and then sissy Barbara Bush. I call them both sissy because, you know, it's just easier to call women sissies instead of trying to remember everybody's names. We're all sisters. So I they had heard that I was in this place and I was it was called Biddeford Pool where I was staying. And Kenny Bonkport was only like, I don't know, 30, 40 minutes away.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So Barbara Bush had heard that I was there. She said, she texted me and she's like, we hear you're here in Biddeford pool. We're here visiting a friend. We're going to come over. And I was like, come on over. And, and I am friends with her and her sister. I love them. And I just love sisters, you know, like I come from sisters. I love sisters. And, and, And then the first lady came over.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I didn't know she was coming. And I was like, whoa, you know, this is right after or right before the 2020 election, maybe. I don't know when it was. Around some time where Trump was around, you know, lingering. And I was like, I wanted... And George Bush hadn't come out and said anything, you know, to denounce him or... And I... And obviously, I'm a very outspoken Democrat. And I...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Ended up going. She wanted, they were having a pickleball. They wanted to have a pickleball tournament with all of our friends that were at my house and my brothers and sisters were all with me. Yeah. They wanted to have a pickleball tournament at, at Kennebunkport. And I was like, listen, I can't be seen with your father, first of all. Like our political ideologies are so vastly different.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And I don't really trust myself, quite frankly, in someone else's house. I don't want to insult your father on his own property. So like, it's better that I don't come. And she's like, oh, come on, Susie, you've been through all this therapy. Come on, you're a different person now. And I'm like, I don't know that I am. Like my outbursts are as much of a surprise to me as they are to others.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
40.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
At that point in my life, I was just learning how to harness my reactivity, you know, and learning how to like be discerning about when I want to drop in my opinions that are unsolicited most often, oftentimes. And so I did, I took my, but my one sister was like, don't take this opportunity away from us. Like, you know, take one of your drugs and subdue yourself. Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I love drugs. I love edibles. I love smoking pot. I love LSD microdosing. I love mushroom microdosing. I understand drugs are not for everyone. They are for me. How often do you do them? Oh. When you are working in concert with the universe, and you are happy, and you choose happiness, and you choose optimism, everything in life becomes easier. And you feel it. Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So my other sister's like, take two. My brother's like, take four. Take four of your edibles. That's how many you need to just calm down. So yes, I was very stoned when I met the former president of the United States, George W. Bush, and I told him so.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I let him know when he was showing me his art paintings, his art paintings, his paintings, his personal paintings, and I would not take my sunglasses off. I let him know that I was indeed very, very stoned. And he was very cute about it. And he was quite charming, frankly, in person, which is exactly why I didn't want to go over there in the first place.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
You know, because I was like, I'll be a terrible juror. I based my opinions vastly based on people's dimples. And if they look nice and seem cute, I'm like, oh, okay. You know exactly what a politician is supposed to do. Do you... Do you...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
It's, there are degrees, you know what I mean? I understand, I can't really spend time around conspiracy theorists. That's a level that I'm not willing to expose. I don't need that energy around me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I find that to be very low vibes. You know the earth is flat, right?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Yeah, I thought the moon and the sun were the same thing for a long time. I'm a late bloomer. Anything involving science?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
40, 40 on safari. I was on safari when my sister looked up and said, the sun, she goes, oh, you look, you can see the sun and the moon at the same time. We were riding elephants in Africa, in Botswana. And, or no, we were in South Africa at this time. And She said it, and we were on this elephant together, and I was like, what? See the sun and the moon at the same time?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I'm like, what do you mean? And I said, and she goes, what do you mean? And my sister, you know, like, she's like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, I just thought... I just don't understand how you can see them at the same time. I thought one goes down and the other one pops up like they switched roles. And she's like, are you? I'm like, don't say it. Don't forget it. Forget it. Forget it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Don't say anything because we're in a caravan of people, you know? And then, you know, of course she's like, ah, Chelsea just asked me a question and I need to repeat it to the group. So that was, yeah, that was pretty embarrassing. And when Sherri Shepherd got all that shit for saying the earth was flat, I was like, oh, it's not?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I was like, I could see, you know, when I thought about it, I realized, but I hadn't really been thinking about it. Kind of like I hadn't really been thinking about the sun and the moon. Like I hadn't given it much thought because it's not a huge passion of mine. Now that I know, I saw the moon today on my drive up here, by the way, it was up there. It's like filling up.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
But now that I know that the moon is its own thing, I'm completely fascinated by it. And I Can't get enough of it. Today you saw the sun and the moon.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's hard for a lot of people to move on from. Losing the power, seeing women who are so self-empowered, seeing women become billionaires. I watched the Martha Stewart documentary. Did you see that? Seeing her become the first billionaire. I didn't know that, the first female billionaire.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
her being taken down by James Comey at the Justice Department, or that led to his job at the Justice Department, I was like, oh, there you go. There's a woman being successful, doing something that millions of men do every single day, public figures that are men, and they're not, you know, he used her. And they took her down. And I totally believe it was because of a woman.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I believe that having a black president, Barack Obama, for eight years... scared so many white men. I think they thought, oh my God, what's next? You know, what's next? A black woman or God forbid a woman. And I think that is... really it's like the opposite of what a democracy is, right? We want a democracy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be putting out the good vibes or the negative vibes? And the negativity is very infectious, and it can feel really good, and the payoffs can feel really good in the moment. Gossiping and being mean-spirited about someone that you both don't like. But that's not where I will not ever spend my time doing that in this life again.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
We think we live in a democracy and now we're watching that democracy turn into something else that is not a democracy. And that's what people voted for because they're voting from fear, misinformation and conspiracy theories and they are sexist and racist. And there's really not any way to deny that. And in the face of that,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
It is so important for us to unite in solidarity with each other and empower one another to stand up to what we're about to experience in this world and in this country, to stand up, to fight, and to never look away, to always be a person that is going to help protect others.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And in the name of democracy, in the name of equality for everybody, every single person deserves a right to be safe, to have clean water, to have food, and to have health insurance. When you're dealing with people who are trying to wrest that away, that is no longer a democracy. It's something else.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
If anyone can hustle, I can hustle. So I welcome it and I'm grateful for the opportunity to come up here and sit down with you. I'm not like, oh God, I gotta go drive up to Montecito. No, it's the opposite. It's like, I can't wait to go have an incredible conversation with this amazing woman. And then I get to your house and I'm blown away by this whole thing. Like how happy making is it?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And I actually don't need you for anything. You know what I mean? With regard to men, like in relationships, I've always had this dynamic, you know, like since I am so independent, since I am self-sufficient, since I am self-made, nobody, you know, I've had help along the way, but nobody's ever, no one's responsible for my success as much as I am.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And there are so many women like me that are doing it their way without the help of a man, without a husband, without, you know, and realizing that maybe being a mother isn't for you. And you learn at a very young age that your value comes from becoming a mother and a wife. Like, I didn't like that. No, I don't think so, you know? And so...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
In relationships with me, I've always found even people who are really successful, men who are very successful, once they realize that I don't need their protection or their money or their gifts or any of that, like what I'm really looking for is like a spiritual connection. Like I want to love you up and I want to be loved up and there's nothing else I need from you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
A lot of men have a really hard time with that. Now, there are a lot of men, mostly under 50, that are understanding what it means to understand that female empowerment benefits us all. All ships rise with the tide. So when women do well, men actually do better. And that's been proven in societies in different countries. It's been proven ad nauseum.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
You know, you can look that up and find data to support that. So it's like this old guard that is, it's almost like the death cough of white supremacy is what we're up against, where a democracy means equality, and that's not what they want. They don't want equality, they want subordination. So now they have to turn it into something that looks more like an autocracy because of that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And as women, that's not going to diminish our success. We might feel a little bit less protected by the country, but women are crushing it. And nothing is ever going to stop that, which is why they're so scared in the first place. So as long as we continue to help rise each other up, sorry, lift each other up, we are all going to rise together.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I believe that even against the face of what we're dealing with, we have to even get stronger and more connected and help more people. And I'm totally happy to do that. I want to be a beacon of hopefulness for people that need it. And I want to show up and fight the good fight and be outspoken and not let people try to scare you into submission. Like that's not going to work for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I'm not giving up and throwing in the towel, but I have a responsibility to other people. You know, another thing I realized with, I was so vocal, you know, the first time it happened, I was so angry. And I think I was on my Netflix show at that time. And I, and I was, I learned over the course of the last few years that my political opinions used more sparingly are more effective.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So I now have a better understanding of when I can make an impact and how I can make an impact. And that rage and anger isn't the way to do it. You have to turn that into usefulness and, you know, and, um, and be inspiring to others, you know, show them, show other people who don't know what to do, who don't have big platforms, who don't have big megaphones, show them how it's done.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So, and, and, and to, you know, to just be a sister to everybody you can be a sister to, we need more love in this world. And that, and I, I'm not, I'm not going to be living in fear. I just won't. I won't let them steal my joy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Yeah. And I just, I would always point to female success. Like, just don't like look at, we are more successful than we have ever been. That is the causation of all of this, you know, trying to tamp us down. We, you will not tamp down women. I have more faith in women than I do in men. So we are not going anywhere. You're not going to take, you can't, you can't kill us.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Well, I haven't always been this way. And I'm not in a cult for anyone who's listening who's like, this is a little too positive. No, it's just I've learned the effects of being positive. And it's just like a ripple effect. And it makes people in your life happy. What I'm really looking for is like a spiritual connection.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Like you can't kill our souls. Sorry. It's not. And we're fighters. And now that we understand that all of this success is possible. And like, we, yes, we didn't get the first female president. We'll get there. Yeah. It's not, it might not happen in our lifetime, but we'll get there. We have to just keep moving towards that goal.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
No. Well, it was this idea about parthenogenesis. You know, parthenogenesis is when women, females are able to procreate without male sperm. And it's happened to a few different species. It's happened to an anaconda. It happened to a condor. And there was one other animal that it And they procreated, one was in a zoo and had no exposure. The anaconda was in a zoo and had no exposure to a male.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So she basically fertilized her own egg and had a baby, had a bunch of babies because, you know, snakes. Condors, same thing. And then there was a third animal that I can't think of right now. Anyway. We are evolutionarily 1,000 years behind animals. So if men don't clean up their act, we're not going to even need them to make fucking babies at one point, okay?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
We're going to be able to procreate on our own. We're already able to do it without a penis. You know what I mean? We can already inject sperm and get pregnant. So we're one step closer to actually evolutionarily... having our bodies figure out a way to create babies and make them without men. So I would really recommend everyone getting their acts together before they do become extinct.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
No, I've never had a foursome or a fivesome. I've had a few threesomes. And yeah, I find it very sexy. I find that very sexy. As long as you're in a trusting dynamic with your partner, bringing a third person in, I think can be a lot of fun. Um, but you have to be able to trust each other and do that. And, uh, yeah, I, I think about that. I mean, I'm definitely open to doing it again.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Like I want to love you up and I want to be loved up and there's nothing else I need from you. A lot of men have a really hard time with that. Female empowerment benefits us all. All ships rise with the tide. So when women do well, men actually do better. As women, that's not going to diminish our success.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So it was always a good, it's kind of like drugs for me. Like I like adventure, you know? Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I don't want to have sex with two men at the same time. I'm not interested in that. That's not been a fantasy of mine, but I do like seeing a man, you know, like a man that I'm with being sexual with another woman when it's in front of me. Like I find that very sexy. Yeah. What about two women? So three women. Three women together? Yeah, I would be into that. Women are always safe.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
You know, I find women to be more safe than men, obviously. Do you think you ever would be with a woman in a relationship?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
We might feel a little bit less protected by the country, but women are crushing it, and nothing is ever going to stop that, which is why they're so scared in the first place. We have to even get stronger and more connected and help more people. You will not tamp down women. I have more faith in women than I do in men. So we are not going anywhere.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Parthenogenesis is when females are able to procreate without male sperm. And it's happened to a few different species. It's happened to an anaconda. It happened to a condor. We are evolutionarily 1,000 years behind animals. So if men don't clean up their act... We're not gonna even need them to make fucking babies at one point, okay? We're already able to do it without a penis.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
You know what I mean? So I would really recommend everyone getting their acts together before they do become extinct.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I feel very free. Yeah. I feel free. I don't feel beholden to anyone.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I don't feel beholden. The way that I've put my life together, like if I think about the things that I'm doing, okay, so I have my book is coming out. I have my special that's coming out next month. I have my podcast that I do all the time. And I'm on tour. I have a residency. All of those things... I am only accountable to myself. No one gives me notes on any of that. I don't have a boss.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I'm my boss, right? So the sense of freedom that I feel is because I have self-generated so much freedom in my career, understanding how important it is to trust your gut, make your own decisions and fly freely. Like you're not gonna smack my hand and tell me, what I can and cannot do. I'm not going to allow that on behalf of women. It's not even just about me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I feel very free. Yeah. I feel free. I don't feel beholden to anyone. It's about feeling free enough to be who you are and know that you're lovable. I have come to a place in my life where there is no shame in my game. You have to believe in yourself. You have to believe in yourself if anyone else is going to believe in you. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes you have to be that for another person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Like, I feel like it's about so much more than that. And so when I think about the things and like, you know, people are go, why don't you act more? I would love to act. I would love to do something like that, but it has to be under the understanding that I'm always going to be the person I am. Like no one's in charge of me ever. You know what I mean?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
What I'm going to bring is going to be valuable. And when you recognize that, then that's going to be the right project for me. You know, I don't want. And the reason I'm so forthcoming about my personal life, and I like what you said, because it's not a judgment when people aren't that way or people are private. That's, I used to be like, God, everyone's so uptight and so insecure.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
It's really not about that. It's about feeling free enough to be who you are and know that you're lovable and that honesty is a lovable thing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
beautiful thing and so just to keep dishing it out you know my the reason why people I have a fan base and why I have a career is obviously because of my fans and I'm so grateful for everything that they've given me because every opportunity I have is because of this fan base that I have cultivated and they expect the truth from me and I'm not going to let them down yeah and
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I love drugs. I love edibles. I love smoking pot. I can't really smoke pot because my voice, it has a bad impact on my throat and voice, which I hate because I love smoking pot too. But I do once in a while, but I mostly have edibles. I love LSD microdosing. I love mushroom microdosing. There isn't a drug that I've met that I've had a bad reaction to.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And I would like to say, I understand drugs are not for everyone. They are for me. How often do you do them? Oh, all the time. I mean, not every day, but like, you know, I'll go to bed. I'll always take an edible to go to bed, you know, rather than I try not to take too many sleeping pills, you know, if I'm traveling and going to different time zones. So edibles are a better alternative to that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
But, you know, if I'm out on the weekend and we're having a fun day, I'll have a little microdose of LSD, microdose mushrooms all the time. If I'm going to dinner, I'll have a little mushroom gummy. I love it. And I love the way it enhances my enthusiasm to go out and socialize. Sometimes I'm exhausted and I don't want to. And sometimes I need a little help.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
But I have come to a place in my life where there is no shame in my game because sometimes that my alcohol and drug use has only enhanced my productivity and my success. Being honest about it, not being shameful about it, not ever abusing it to the point where I have to give it up to understand that there are boundaries and you can't just go hog wild, you're gonna pay a price for that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So I have a very clear understanding of what my limits are and I'm also very responsible because I'm a professional. So I do have to get up every morning and I go to the gym and I work out and I take very good care of myself and I eat very healthfully. Never late. And I'm never late.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And so when anybody wants to pretend that drugs and alcohol create degenerates, yes, they can, but that's not always the case. So I always like to share that with people because that's a very old way of thinking. And I'm about to publish my seventh book. My seventh New York Times bestseller, right? You can't do that if you're a degenerate.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
You have to tell someone, I believe in you when you see someone down or you see someone struggling.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
He was very flirtatious. He was very... He ate it up. I knew he... Like, I wanted... I went on The View and, like, pronounced my declaration. I declared my attraction for him. Yeah. You know, I said I would like to say... I was talking to Joy Behar and Whoopi, I think it was. And I said I would like to be penetrated by the governor of New York. I want to just throw that out there.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And then I got off the Zoom because it was during COVID, so we're on a Zoom. And I got off the Zoom. I was like, now we wait. Like... He will be in touch. Like I knew it. And three days went by and then I heard from him. And first he left a message, which I played probably 1,000 times. I went to go look for it a few months ago when I was writing the book and it was gone.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
And I was like, oh, I wanted to play it for my editor. But anyway, enough people had heard it by then anyway. And then he called me. on the phone and we talked one night. I was at my girlfriend's house in her backyard. We were having a COVID dinner date or dinner party. And I was on the phone with him just walking around in the backyard, like, you know, jumping up and down like a school girl.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Like everyone knew I was on the phone with Andrew Cuomo. And they're all just like, oh my God, we're at my friend DJ's house. And they're all like, oh my God. And I'm like, you know, like I was 16. I was just like, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. I'm going to become the first lady of New York. Like that's how I was thinking about it. Um, so, uh, he was just very flirty. He liked it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I think he was getting a lot of attention at that time, probably from lots of other women as well as me. Um, but I, so we texted back and forth and, you know, it was, it was cute. We were set up a dinner date. We were going to talk about, we were talking about going to, I was going to Maine. So I was like, oh, I'll come in and have a dinner date, you know, at the Albany mansion.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
We could do it outside to be COVID friendly. And so all of these things I thought were in progress, but then once it became real and I was on the East Coast, I never heard from him again.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
I sent pictures, of course. Very flirty pictures. Of course. There was one picture I took, like, I think my brother took this of me because once he ghosted me and I realized like, okay, it's over. Like it's not happening. You know what I mean? Like once I accepted that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
Then I just kind of didn't care. And I was like, my brother and I said, I'm going to send, my sister's like, send him one more picture. So I'm like on my Vespa, I'm on a Vespa in Maine. We're renting this house. I'm in, I have a face mask on and a helmet, like showing him how safe I am because of COVID, you know. He was yelling at all of us about COVID at this point.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
So I was wanting to be responsible. And I had a bikini on and I pulled the top down of my bikini. And I was like, and my brother Roy is taking the picture of me. And my sister Simone walks out and she's like, What are you doing? What are you doing? That is your brother. But at that point, I just thought like the idea.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Chelsea Handler Pt 2: How to Be Yourself Unapologetically, Find Your Light & Raise Your Vibration!
The idea of a topless photo of Chelsea Handler somehow accidentally going through the governor's phone and then landing on one of those like big screens during like his early morning COVID briefings on CNN or Fox or MSNBC just brought so much joy to me. Like the idea that I could possibly disrupt the country in that way and give everybody a little ounce of laughter. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Hopefully it will be twins. Like I can raise a family. I had a black boyfriend. I was like Tyshawn. Meanwhile, he ended up going to prison for 10 years for being a drug dealer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Was he a drug dealer? Yeah. And so I was just that kind of teenager, really out of control, really rebellious. My brother died when I was nine. And then like after that period of time, I was just – I was rebellious, like rebellious. Mad, angry, and no outlet. And so I just did anything I could to piss my parents off, especially my father. I had like a specific issue with him.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Oh, yeah. My father was dishonest. My father was a bit of a shyster. I'm very honest. I'm very truthful. I'm very generous with money, with anything I have. I want to help people. He was very selfish. He wouldn't give money away. He would try to cheat people for money. So he wasn't like a criminal, but he wasn't morally bad.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
bound to like being a good guy you know what I mean he was just a little but he was also you know he was a family man he loved we were never short on love there was neglect but it wasn't like I felt unloved I just was very um upset a that my brother died my father fell apart after that that was really upsetting so it was like two men in a row that just like ditched me and
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And then after that, I just I just was filled with anger and I didn't have any outlet. I didn't have any therapy. So I just became very rebellious. But my brothers and sisters and my mother always knew I would be OK. Like my mom's like just my dad's name was Seymour. And she's like Seymour. He'd be like, something's wrong with her. Something is wrong with her head.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And my mom would be like, she's OK. She's just too smart for her own good. Like she's a little kid. She's trapped in this little kid body and she's like an adult. And my dad's like, but I don't he couldn't relate, you know, and my mom would be like, she's going to be fine. Like, you know, she's going to grow up and shake it out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And and then once I started becoming successful and really turned my like, you know, that period was just my teenage years. And then I got my shit together. As soon as I left my family, I drove across country when I was 19. Alone or you took somebody with you? Well, this is a great story. I picked up this guy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
This is actually in my book, which I just found out is number one on the New York Times bestseller list.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So that's exciting. God. That's a lot. I didn't even go to college. But that just shows you what you can accomplish if you really fucking focus on something.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So I went across country. My brother Glenn said, hey, I was driving across country. I was going to move to L.A. to become famous.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Have you ever been at UTA? Because I just left UTA like six months ago for WME.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And I was like, okay, it's time. I had gone to two semesters at community college. I'm like, that's enough. This is not a good use of anyone's time. Like this is a waste of money. I don't care about this. I'm going to – I want to go to California. Okay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So my brother Glenn called me and said, I met a guy at a bar last night, and he's going to drive with you across country since you're 19 and you're alone. And my dad had given me one of his used Audi Quattros. And he said, you shouldn't be driving alone, right? And I was like, okay, that sounds reasonable. So I picked up this guy. He was like 26 or 27 years old. He was the same size I was.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And he said, do you want to go to Harlem? I want to pick up a bunch of cocaine. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I'm like, Harlem sounds fun, eh? Like, I was never allowed to go to Harlem growing up. You know, I'd go in the city. I'd go to, like, clubs and the limelight. I never went to Harlem. That was supposed to be really dangerous. But, of course, I wanted to go to Harlem. So I was like, okay. I wasn't really into cocaine at the time. I've definitely dabbled in cocaine.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
But at that time in my life, I was too young. I didn't really... So I go to Harlem. I drop this guy off from outside some crack house, right? I'm sitting there. This is my first night driving across country. Pit stop in Harlem. He comes out with a bag of cocaine that I've only seen in movies. The amount of cocaine was something you saw in Scarface.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Exactly. And I'm like, oh, my God. And then he just starts doing the cocaine while we're driving and we're driving through Maryland. You know, there's three highways you can take across country. We were, I think, taking the 66. So that's the lowest, the most southerly route. So we're driving along and this guy's doing lots of cocaine off of his keys.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
No, I'm driving and he's in the passenger seat. And, you know, keep in mind the amount of cocaine. I was like, oh, this doesn't seem right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
No, no, no, nothing like that. Nothing like that. I actually suspected he was gay. He wasn't, he wasn't, it wasn't about that. We, he starts talking and doesn't stop talking. And I, and we're five hours into this three day road trip. And I'm like, this guy is a fucking mess. And then we're in Maryland and we're driving through, I think, D.C.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And there was all this construction and we get to Maryland. And I was like, you know what? We're going to go to like a Howard Johnson. Let's get a room. I was broke. He was broke. I said, let's just get a room. We'll get a room with two beds. We get in the room. He's got maps, like multiple maps. This was before navigation and all that shit, right? It was like the year before all of that came out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, so there's maps. But more than one map. It's like, how many maps do you need to follow one highway across the country?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And then I was like, and he was like pointing out national parks that we could go to. He's like, we could go here. And I was like, hey, listen, Miracle Ear, we're not fucking on vacation. I'm trying to get to California to become a celebrity. I don't have time for your fucking Yellowstone National Park. We're not going there. Like, we're not retiring. This is not our, we're not a couple.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
That's funny. I got, after the Oscar parties on the morning after, I switched out of my heels into a pair of sneakers, Oscar night for the parties. I wanted to go to a guy's party and I wanted to dance. And so I got a, Dougie, come here. Doug, come. Doug, come.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
He had been doing Coke all night. He looked like Gary Busey. He was going on and on. And I was like, okay. I said, hold on a second. His bag was still in the car because he didn't even bring it in beside because he wasn't going to sleep. I said, hold on. I'll be right back. I went to the parking lot.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I took his suitcase out of my car, put it down in the parking lot and got in the car and drove away and drove across country by myself and left him in Maryland. And the next thing I heard was that he had to take a taxi from Maryland to New Jersey and
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
for five hours and um and then of course i called my brother to thank him for his great judgment and for being such an overprotective brother yeah you had to set somebody up with somebody like that that's all geeked out dude i would have been fucking eat my own teeth man yeah so it's really annoying to be around someone who's on cocaine when you're not on cocaine yeah
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And then in Amarillo, Texas, I got pulled over by a state trooper who had a German shepherd with him, one of those drug dogs. And the dog went absolutely batshit as soon as he came close to my trunk. So the dog was jumping around, fucking going crazy. And I'm like, oh, my God, I've got residue. I've got coke in this car.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I'm sure I'm going to go to fucking Texas State Prison because of this wombat that I just dropped off in Maryland. So luckily I didn't get arrested. They didn't find any cocaine, but it was very suspicious. Like I'm sitting there on the freeway and trucks are whizzing past me. And I'm like, and the cops like stand 20 feet away from the car. And he's got one of those big state trooper hats on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So that was a big shit show. But it was a great example of knowing to get rid of dead weight. You know what I mean? Like I was like, I'm going to California. You are not going to bring me down. Get out of my car and get out of my life. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Doug, I feel like he's looking for a place to pee. Come over here.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You look so different. First of all, Daryl Strawberry, that was the 1986 Mets. All those guys were on fucking coke. All of them. Lenny Dykstra, Daryl Strawberry, Mookie Wilson, all of those guys.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I can't believe that athletes would do cocaine and then be athletic. Like, talk about a recipe for a fucking heart attack.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
They just took out. Well, hopefully he will during that interview. That'll be perfect. He sent me a text and he's like, I have your shoes from last night. I didn't see Jeremy Zimmer. I have no idea how he had my shoes. I had just left his agency. I was like, thank you very much. And he's like, can I send these to an address? And I was like, just keep them. I don't really need them anymore.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
But how do you run for balls when you're on cocaine?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I love microdosing LSD. It puts a fucking pep in your step. Like, if you're really, really struggling and you're having, like, your schedule's crazy and insane, LSD is the thing. I take LSD all the time.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I have a sheet of like 370 hits. I get all my drugs in Canada. I have a house in Whistler and drugs are legal there. And it's like, you don't have to worry about any fucked up shit in Canada. My friends who make that. Like who put who I get that our doctors, one's a therapist, one's a neurobiologist.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
They actually get the cleanest stuff like they get MDMA and they'll put in capsules and you'll get a microdose of like 50 milligrams of MDMA, which is awesome because that's like just being in a good mood. You know what I mean? You're not over the top.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And you're like, this is a great time. I feel like dancing. I like you, you know, LSD, same thing, just an upper, like a pick me up, you know, you're not hallucinating, but you're just like up like a kind of like a psilocybin, like microdose. So I find that stuff to be very helpful and aiding with my schedule, you know, like I do a lot of talking. I'm sure you feel the same way.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It's pretty much a ton of travel, a ton of talking and a ton of kind of
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, those meet and greets will get you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I took a six year break after Chelsea Lately and after like I didn't do stand up for six years. That was that was the biggest break I've taken. But I was I just went so hard, you know, at both ends. I was touring. I was doing my show. I was writing books just constantly. And I loved the idea that I had this amount of energy. I loved when people were like, how the fuck does she fly in?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
monday morning tape four shows and then go do five shows in a weekend and i loved that adulation like i i got addicted to like the fact that i was that strong of a horse you know what i mean yeah and then i went as i left chelsea lately i was like i was so over just working but then i got roped in not roped in netflix made me a really amazing offer i thought i was going to take a break you did a ton of episodes of that too
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
They were just for the night. So that's funny. Yeah. Jeremy Zimmer is very unique.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I did. Yeah, first I did documentaries. I did a documentary series. So that was kind of a break because that was a lighter schedule. And then I went into that show. And then that show never really – like I went back to work before I was ready to go back to work. So that show never really felt like I was in my right zone, like in my flow state. So that show was like an example of –
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
don't just fucking work because someone's offering you the job. You know what I mean? You've got to have your ducks in a row and understand when you need time off, when you don't. And without the time off, there is no creativity. I need the time off to be able to have something to fucking say.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So now, since I've been back to stand-up after that six-year break, this will be my probably fourth, third special in like four years. And so I'm into it now. I'm back into it because I do have something to say now. But it's important –
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Like when you are creative and you are like sharing for a living, like talking, you know, sometimes you're out of fucking gas and the breaks are as important as the work.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Also, you want to grab everything when you can grab it. It's like, oh, wait, I get this offer. I can't say no to this. I'm going to be even more successful. I'm going to da-da-da. And there's an addiction component to that. And you're like, well, wait a second. You can say no to things. Things come back around.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It takes a while to get to know what you're capable of and what you're not and what's going to deplete your energy because when you're pissed and you're burnt out, you're no good to anybody. Yeah. especially yourself. So it's hard when we're in this business because it's like, you can feel like feast or famine. You can be like, oh my God, I'm getting all these opportunities.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And I've certainly had times in my life where I wasn't getting a lot of opportunities. And I'm like, well, fuck, why aren't I doing that? And it's like, well, because your attitude sucks. You know, because you didn't take good care of yourself. Now you're pissed and now you're bitter. You got to get back to being happy and magnetic and like attracting good stuff. And then you get good stuff.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So it really is about like adjusting your attitude, being grateful. You have to be fucking grateful. As corny as that can seem to certain people, you have to be grateful at the opportunities that are coming your way. And you also have to be a fucking pro. Like, you know, like you're not going to knock me down. I'm a pro.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Like you can't get to me now because of so many years of knowing myself and understanding what my limits are and where I'm going to excel and where I'm going to like, you know, not excel.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So many comics were on my show that I don't even remember meeting. That's so crazy. So many people came on my show and were interviewed by me that I don't remember. So when I run into these people, I always say, hi, it's nice to meet you. And they're like, you've interviewed me like several times. I'm like, well, it's great to see you again.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
No. Jane Fonda, this is a story I write about in my book, which is Jane Fonda once called me over to her house and I had been to her birthday party and I was out of my mind. I don't remember what drugs I was on. It could have been anything. And I was rude. I was dark. I was like, you know, insulting people. Thank you. Thank you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Just interviewing thousands of people. It's impossible to remember everyone. No, I typically didn't drink during my show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I mean, I'll drink when I'm performing on stage because that's kind of nighttime, 8 o'clock. That I don't have a problem with. Not wasted, but have a cocktail before I go on. Yeah, I like that. But during the daytime, it's kind of an unnecessary thing. When you're filming a show at 3 in the afternoon, really not necessary.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
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This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Ali Wong was on that show. Who else? Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart was on the roundtable before he blew up. Kevin was on the roundtable a bunch of times before he blew up, and then he was like, all right, I'm done with the roundtable. I'm a guest.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
,,,, And I almost had a near-death experience as well. I didn't even know that I had had a near-death experience. I had an infection. I had to get surgery on my shoulder for this like staph infection or something that I had. And I didn't consider it a near-death experience. But he said I almost had a near-death experience too. And I was almost in a car accident.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And I was like, who the fuck does this guy think he is? And then, of course, I was like, good for you. You are a guest now, you know? But yeah, tons of people.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And I don't like when people say stuff like almost in a car accident. Either you were or you weren't. And if you weren't, don't fucking bring it up. You know, like almost is nothing. Yeah. So the guy was like, oh, these – Like when it's almost my birthday?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Or your half birthday. I honestly don't want to hear about that. So he said these two cars were like coming close to each other and they were like careening towards each other and that they were going to hit. And he – at the last minute, the cars just – By an act of God or providence, the cars split open and they both moved in different directions. And he goes, it didn't make any sense.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And I was OK. And I'm like, so, again, you were not in a car accident. But he said he said because of that moment, I started to believe in divine intervention and I found Jesus. And I'm looking at this guy. I'm in my bed in my house. Right. You know, I'm on it. I've got a fucking arm. I'm a mess. Right. And he said, and I feel like I never experienced.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
there was a level of joy that I had never experienced before I found Jesus. And to me, it seems to me like you would appreciate that level of joy. And it took me a minute to realize I was being pitched, you know, in my house about religion.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And then I had to tell him like, oh, oh, oh, I just want you to know, I have already accepted that the level of joy associated with finding Jesus is something I will never experience. I've already accepted that. My joyful is already tapped out. This is as high as I'm going to go. I'm not going to break the ceiling.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
But that's in relation to you talking about children and knowing that there might be a feeling you might not experience without having them, which is something I deal with all the time because I don't have children and people like to go at me for that. Like, you're a woman. How could you do that? It's like, how could I do it? Because I don't think I'd be that good at it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
But it's definitely something that I've learned to accept. Like when you say that, I've also accepted, yes, I won't know that joy. There are other joys that I've experienced, but I will not know the joy of being a mother. So I can relate to what you're saying about the thought of thinking about that joy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Cause you're kind of the boss and the employee, you know, you're going on stage with a microphone alone. So no one else can talk except for you.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I produced it. The Ross Matthews show and Whitney Cummings. I love Ross. A lot of people. Yeah. I just saw Ross in New York City.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It's interesting to talk about not having a boss because that's my whole career too. Oh, yeah, you seemed. I don't really appreciate being told what to do by anyone. I'm also not interested in the feedback. If it's not working for you, that's fine. You don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing. It's working for me. I'm having a blast. But it's interesting when you say that because –
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It is true. When you are in this business and you are a comedian, like if I hadn't taken the path of becoming a stand-up comedian, everything starts to be created around you rather than you being placed in a role and you're a person in a cast. You become the epicenter of all the stories, you know, whether it's your podcast, you're writing books, or you're doing stand-up, or any of these things.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It's like you're a one-man show. And I think there's a lot of power in that, and it's nice to be able to also do the other thing and work with other people and play nicely, but it's... much more attractive to be your own decision maker, you know? It's much more attractive to be your own entity, I think.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
But it also changes. Like, you know, as your career grows and evolves and, like, you're 44, you've been doing this for, what, 20 years? More?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, like, things change over time. And then you start to realize, oh, okay, there's another itch I want to scratch. There's another thing I want to do. Like, and you, excuse me. Come here, Dougie. Come over here. Come here, honey.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
It's so funny that, yeah, what color was that other chow?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, you're a big black baby. They said when I got this chow, they're like, I called the chow rescue. One of my dogs was going downhill, so I was like, it's time to regroup and, you know, buckle up so that when this dog dies, I have a new dog. And, oh, is that the dog that was here? Yep. Oh, that's a chow mix, right?
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E570 Chelsea Handler
A chow mane. Oh, look at that little baby in the middle.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I think comedians are really insecure by nature. You know what I mean? Why else would we have to get on stage with microphones, you know, alone? Like, what's that about? Most people who are secure don't feel the need. So I think we're insecure by nature, and I think it's our job to kind of— hone that insecurity into something more dynamic, right? Because that's how it begins.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So I think when you're insecure like that, you're uncomfortable with any sort of adulation. You want it, but you don't necessarily want to hear it to your face. You like to read it. Like, I love to read a review of my book. I'd rather that than someone tell me how much it meant to them. Do you know what I mean? So I have that same thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I get slightly uncomfortable when I get too much adulation in person. It's like, okay, when is this going to end? Like, thank you so much. And I want to be sincere and present, but I also sometimes check out. But it doesn't make any sense because that's what we're all here for is adulation. We all want the attention. So I think I just – now I have this thing where, like – It's not about you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It's about listening to that person. It's about giving time to the person whose life that you impacted, who has something nice to say to you. Because think about how hard it is for that person to come up. Like I would never come up to a celebrity and be like, I saw you in, you know, whatever movie and you changed my life. Like I wouldn't even bother that person.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So when you think about what it takes for someone to say those things to you, when they're not creepy and they're not weird and they're not like, you know, threatening in any way.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
You want to give them the time. And so I think about it that way so that I'm a little bit more gracious than, you know...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. And it's really not, yeah, you have to like, I feel like there's a responsibility once you become a public person, you know, like I love the stuff that Chapel Roan is saying about like, leave me alone. You don't have the right to touch me. It's all true. You don't, you don't have that. I mean, and if it bothers you, it bothers you. I don't give a shit.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
You know, if people come up to me in a restaurant, I give a shit. If people come up to me when I'm at, I give a shit. If someone waves, they're rude and they wave over, like come over here. Like when I'm sitting out down to dinner with friends or family and some fucking jackass, it's like, Hey, Chelsea, come over here. It's like, what?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I'm not fucking coming over to you. I don't even know you. But when people are really sweet about it, yeah, like I do feel a sense of responsibility. Also to be, I want people to feel good after they see me. You know what I mean? So it's not so much a struggle. I totally get what you're saying, but I think it's not a struggle so much as a, let them say their piece and let them say something nice.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
They're going to feel great after they say it like, Oh wow, I did it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
No, always. Yeah, I mean, diarrhea. You know what I mean? Like, you know, remember when you... Like, I used to do Leno before. I was, like, a correspondent on Leno. I mean, I would, like, literally... I'm not even... I don't pray, and I would pray. I'd be like, just please let me do well. Let me do well. I'd be on my knees in the dressing room, like, can everyone get out really quick?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Well, if you didn't see what the feeling was, then you didn't see the whole thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Well, feminal masturbation. Is that a new word, feminal? I don't know. It's about childhood masturbation. Okay, sorry. We used to call it the feeling when we would rub up against like swing set poles and.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Corners of walls. We would use furniture, ladles. We were really into masturbating, me and a group of my girlfriends, when we were nine and discovered our Pikachus. So we would – and it wasn't like adult masturbation. You're not actually touching anything directly. You're basically – rubbing your hands over material. Like the thicker the material, the better the traction.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So it's like, you know, jeans, a thick corduroy burlap would be a great option. A corner of a wall. You want something that is going to give you the traction you need. And... And then – but how carried away I got as a child once I found out about the feeling and about a fucking clitoris, how I went bonkers with it. And I was masturbating in school, getting the feeling, rubbing pencils.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I mean whatever I could get, rulers. I mean I had anything I could. I would just overdo it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And yeah, it was. So that's where the feeling comes from. Just basically childhood exploration with the ladle took.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Like when people masturbate, like Thanksgiving dinner, I was like, this is going to suck. I'm fucking nine. No one is coming to me for my global opinions or world affairs. No one gives a shit about my, you know, like I'm here with my family. They suck. I already established that they sucked. So I took a ladle and brought it to my Thanksgiving dinner and then I got carried away.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And the next thing I know, I was dripping sweating like a rapist at my family dinner and my mom asking me to stop and that that's something that I needed to do in the privacy of my own room. But up until that point, no one had called me out because I grew up at a time where no one was going to say, hey, stop jerking off, you fucking pervert.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
No, no one was saying it. So I thought no one even knew what I was doing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So that's why I'd be like, I'd see a book and I'd be like rubbing up against, you know, like while I would be talking to my father, I'd put like my ass behind an ottoman and think I was disguising it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It's me, Chelsea. And my family was just basically totally aware, but also disgusted and horrified so that they didn't even say anything until it became unmanageable.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Because I don't want anyone to see me praying also. So I would get down on my knees and be like, please, please, please, let's... I mean, I did that up until probably, I don't know, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, until I finally... I'm solid in my footing enough to know I'm going to do a good job. When you do something for so long, you understand what the mechanics are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. I mean, I used to masturbate so much as a kid that my calves would be sore. Because I would be face down on the carpet, rubbing my Pikachu over my denim jeans, and then my calves would kick out and would be flexing, you know? And so I would have, I mean, I had very, very strong calves growing up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Oh, okay. Yeah, it was just kind of. Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess it was jerking off because you are climaxing technically. And it's the same thing as when you're an adult. You know when you climax as an adult, you're like, ugh, you're kind of grossed out. Stop it. Get off of me. Get away from me. And then you give it like two, three minutes and you're ready to go again.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
You're like, oh, come back here. Get me that wall.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
So two. So how long do you, I mean, uh, how long can you have sex for?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Listen, I don't think most people want to have sex for longer than five or ten minutes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Well, yeah. I like fooling around. I like men. I like lots of different men. But I also don't want to get fucked for, like, 45. Like, I had a girlfriend who said to me, this guy fucked me for 45 minutes. And I went, like, I don't want to get fucked for 45 minutes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I don't know any women that do. So I don't know what that's about. I mean, like, talk about your pussy, like, not being able to handle a situation. That's too much.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
You almost said it, so I'm just going to finish it for you. What does that mean?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It means that you haven't had the right pussy yet, I don't think. But it doesn't mean that you're going to last longer. It's okay not to last. Five minutes is not a big deal. That's fine. But some guys like to go again and again and again. Like I once dated a guy- Is that cool or that's crazy?
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Well, it's kind of nice to be able to get a- It's kind of nice as a woman to have a guy that's- Because that means they're just- You interpret that as they're so attracted to you that they can just get hard every five minutes.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
While that can also seem like onerous, you're like, oh, I don't have the capacity. First of all, your vagina needs to retract after sex. Like it has to recover. Well, yeah. I mean, it's open and then it's closed. So it kind of has to, you know, there's a healing process.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And even if it's a shitty situation, if you have a right attitude, it's going to be good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. I mean, I've had sex with men where it's a one-nighter thing and you have sex a bunch of times in one night. And that's fun, but that's like a one-night stand. That's not like what you're going to do with your husband.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And then you have sex and it never ends. And then you could fall asleep during sex, wake back up and be like, is this still fucking happening? Like, are we still having sex? I mean, God, when is this going to be overcome already?
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E570 Chelsea Handler
But girls are always trying to make guys come before they're ready to come anyway. Totally.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Like most women are trying to get it over with because five minutes is plenty of time. Yeah, it's a good. So like a lot of guys, you know, you're like, oh, you know, you're just saying things to make them come so that it's over.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And you're lying basically, you know, like you're so fucking hot. This feels so fucking good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Come all over my face. And then they try to come on your face. You're like, actually, I didn't mean that. Come on the fucking drapes. You know, like I wasn't serious about coming on my face. Come on. I was just telling you to come, so come.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
And so everyone would just fuck her and then come in the plant?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
It only needed to get come once a year, the plant? Yeah.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. There's a definite misfire. It's not fair to men because men, first of all, you don't have to have a huge penis. Nobody cares about that. I mean, you don't want like a Vienna sausage. That's disappointing and it sucks. But.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I've had sex with guys with little tiny penises. It's happened to me a couple times, actually.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
No, it's the opposite of a delicacy. You want it to be over, and you want them to go away. I've had sex with somebody who I didn't even know we were having sex, and he came. And I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe how small your penis is. Obviously, I wasn't going to have sex with that person again, but men's penises don't need to be huge. They just need to be hard. That's great.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
When a guy gets hard and that's fun and it's a decent size, it doesn't have to be massive and it does. And, and it can be like, and it doesn't have to go on forever. So yes, men who are listening, I'm sure there are all tons of men listening. So I hope that assuages the male ego a little bit.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
This is coming from a woman who's had sex with lots of men.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I mean, I ran out of, you know, I don't have time for that anymore because that's a long list.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
No, I don't. I mean, unless we're talking about STDs, I have never given a real gift to someone. Now, I don't know. I haven't given a gift, no. I haven't had sex with a lot of celebrities either. I mean, I know you're saying I'm the celebrity, but still, I also like regular guys. Two celebrities together can be a little bit of a hot mess.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
It's not hard, but men are definitely a little bit scared, turned off, intimidated, emasculated, that kind of vibe around me.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, like I've been on lots of like – I've been in lots of situations with men that were not celebrities or that were where we would be out or we'd be flirting for a while and then we'd go home and they couldn't perform. Like that's happened to me a lot to the point where I was like, what is wrong with me? And then you realize that's happens to a lot of guys.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Like there's a lot of like performance anxiety. And I know that because I've dated men who've had that, you know? So it's like, that's a real thing. So like women also can't take that personally. It's not about that, but it is worth like being honest about it. Like, sorry, you know, I barely know you or I'm a little like, this is our first time.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Like, it's good to kind of communicate that stuff so that everyone doesn't feel like weird. You know, because then you have like an ick feeling.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Oh, yeah. You didn't know because you weren't on one.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I once left a guy's house once I felt his penis and realized it wasn't going to work. I once told a guy that I had to get my Invisalign out of my car, that I wouldn't be able to sleep without my Invisalign. And, you know, then I left and never came back. And so I've done things like that, too, to get out of a bad situation.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
That's true. But I'm sure when you, you get left in the dust, like we all, I mean, everyone's experienced that at some point. It does not, it does not feel good.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
If someone comes, you take a chick back to your house and she leaves right as you get naked, that can't feel good. You know what I mean? I was on a date with this guy in London once and, uh,
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I love London. It's my favorite. And I was on a date with this guy in London and we had a great date. I had been talking to him like on Raya or one of those apps before I went out there and he was hot and we went out to dinner. We had a great dinner and I was like, oh, this is going great. I'm like, do you want some, you know, mushrooms? And he had talked about mushrooms.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
So like I thought we were both into it. And he's like, yeah, I would love some. And we get back to my house and he – I would get back to my hotel and he's just dripping, sweating. And I'm like, are you – and he just looked like he was about to throw up. And he's like, I think I'm going to throw up. And I'm like, oh, my God. Are you – he's like, I'm fucking flying. And I was like, oh, my God.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I felt like Bill Cosby. Like I drugged this man. And I go, oh, my God. And then he had to take a walk outside. I go, yeah, go take a walk. And I'm texting.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I go, go take a walk. You need a fresh air. I go, go take a walk. And he came back like 20 minutes later. He's like, I'm sorry, but I have to go home. Like I'm fucking hallucinating. And I'm sitting there on shrooms too, but I'm fine. And I'm like – Oh, my God, I just drugged my date.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And I was telling my girlfriends the next day, and they're like, why would you ever give mushrooms to someone after you fucking went out to dinner? That is not exotic or erotic or anything. That's a party drug to fucking laugh. It's not seductive. And you fucking made the guy sick to his stomach. And I was like, yeah, no more drugs on first dates. No more.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Mushrooms aren't a very sexual drug. So like you, that, you know, that was stupid.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
You gotta have sex. Exactly. So that's the, that's the problem with that too. Especially on a night where you're, you know, yeah, it's better to do that with someone you've gotten to know a little bit rather than like a first excursion.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I did meet Bill Cosby. Before he was, before he got- That's in the special, the part that you didn't see.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
But he, yeah, he was, he was an asshole. He was an asshole because there was a guy opening for me and we were in Atlantic City and he basically went off on, first of all, I showed up to his hotel room. At 3 o'clock in the afternoon, the casino manager said, hey, Bill Cosby wants to meet you because he was going to rape me. And I didn't know that at the time. I didn't know about Bill Cosby.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, he would have women come up to his hotel room, give him Rohypnol, and then fuck them. And they would be out of it. But I showed up with my security guard and my opener, who was a man, Chris Frangola, and he and I walked into the room. And when Bill Cosby realized I had two guys with me, his mood just was like, fuck off.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, it's funny you say that. I don't really remember that. I had such a team of people around me. Those were the people. You're not coming to me saying, can I come on your show? That wasn't really a thing. It was more about the bookers probably were dealing with that. And other comedians would go to the bookers. But nobody really bothered me with that. This person wants to come on.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And he basically read the guy telling him he was never going to amount to anything opening for me as a comedian, opening for a woman. And I'm like, this doesn't seem like he's in a good mood or like we should take this shit. And then later I found out, you know, everything's broke. And we found out Bill Cosby was drugging hundreds of women.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
He would come summon them to his hotel room, give them like some barbiturate pattern that happened with you. Rohypnol. But he never gave that to me. And my sister, after that happened, she was like, well, now we know why Bill Cosby was such an asshole that day. And I was like, little does Bill Cosby know that that roofie wouldn't have put a fucking dent in me.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I saw Macaulay Culkin the other night, and I wish I could have heard what he was saying to me because he was thanking me for something. And I don't remember ever interacting with Macaulay Culkin, but he kept going on and on and saying, thank you so much, Chelsea. Thank you so much. And it was so loud at the party that I don't know what he said.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, it was like a series after party. But I was wondering if it had anything to do with Michael Jackson. And I'm like, I wonder if I forgot that I did something about Michael Jackson. But I probably did. I probably did a whole thing about Michael Jackson at some point. But I don't know. Was Michael Jackson raping kids or was he a kid wanting to hang out with other kids? It's very murky.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Like, I don't want to give him any credit, but it's like he didn't seem like somebody was having sex with anybody. He seemed like somebody who was like stunted. You know what I mean? Like a little kid.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I think you can tell. Oh, you know, I'll tell your male male male listeners, too. If you want your daughter. Oh, he loves you. Look at that. Oh, that's nice of him. Thank you. If you want to get a good gift for your girlfriend's wives or daughters, get I'll have what she's having. That's my book. That's just debuted at number one. I'm happy about that. My special is called The Feeling.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
It's on Netflix. And yeah, those are my two projects right now.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Can you do me a favor? It wasn't like that. I probably didn't give off the air that that would be that welcome. Yeah. You know, like, I didn't want to deal with that shit. I was dealing with enough shit. There was enough fucking people. We were like a big fraternity party. All we did was play practical jokes on each other all day.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
It was one of the most unprofessional environments I've ever been a part of, and I fucking loved it, you know? So anything that would slightly annoy me at that time, I had very little tolerance for, so nobody would be jockeying with me because I hated that. Like, when I'd put up my stand-up dates...
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I'd be like, okay, I'm doing a tour for this book or whatever, and I'd put it up on the wall, and all the comics that worked on Chelsea Lately, the writers, would have first – they could decide if they wanted to open for me, and they'd sign up on the wall. Like, I'm doing Kansas City. I'm doing St. Louis.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And when that happened and they would go at it and jockey for that, like I would – I had no – I don't like that. Right. I don't like competitiveness. I don't like when people are like, no, I want to do this. So, like, I think everyone knew not to fuck around with that. I don't like when people are acting like that. Gamesmanship, you know?
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And I also ignore it easily. Like, that's not of an interest of mine. So, yeah. But people would come on. If they didn't do well, they'd get a second chance maybe. Sometimes they'd bomb really badly and then, you know, there's nothing you can do. And people were really nervous. And there's nothing I can do about that either, you know. Like you're either going to sink or swim.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
So you have to kind of, when you're in that situation and you're running a show and it's your name on it, you kind of just have to understand. Some people, if you felt bad for every single person who didn't do well, you're not succeeding either.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
When I was born, I was pissed. I was pissed and I was a woman. And I felt like I was trapped in a little baby's body that was chubby and being tossed around like some sort of party favor. And I wanted to be a businesswoman. I realized right away that my family was not going to cut it.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Incompetent. Too many people already. There were like five other kids. I'm like, where are these fucking kids coming from?
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Why? Yeah, unions. Yeah, exactly. I wanted to head up a union. And I just couldn't believe the lack of like a savings account or financial plan. And my dad seemed like he was a bit of a hot mess. My mom was sleeping a lot. And I just was like, this family is not up to stuff. Like I had bigger ideas for myself.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, my dad was also like, I had such a mouth on me from such a young age because I really did feel like a woman. I was like, when do I get to get out of here? Where's my apartment? I want to start working. I wanted to start a business. And my dad couldn't understand. He was like, who is this little cunt? Why won't she shut the fuck up?
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And I mean, and he tried everything to like bring me down, you know? So we would butt head, not bring me down, but keep me in my place. Like put me in my place. Like no girl talks like this. You're too loud. You're too abrasive and all of these things. And meanwhile, my dad was all of those things, loud, abrasive. It's like, that's where I got it from.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
But so we didn't, we did not see eye to eye for a very long time.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, of course. No, I definitely felt like a kid. Like I was, you know, I was a kid. I had all those kid experiences, but there was always a sense of when you're the youngest of six children, how many kids do you have in your family?
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah. And when you're the last one, you are you absorb. First of all, you grow up in two seconds because everyone else is fucking and smoking weed and you're hearing conversations that little children aren't supposed to hear. So you're mature right away because you're like, oh, yeah, like, you know, I knew about anal sex when I was like six. I was like, God, I can't wait to try that.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
You know, like you're you're just mature in different ways. And, you know, not that anal is a sign of maturity, but, you know, it's one sign of just knowing too much too soon.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Well, yeah, and for some people. But I definitely had childlike experiences for sure. And I had my brothers and sisters were all pretty tight. So they kind of did raise me and they kind of brought me along with them to many like different things. But I was always ahead of my age group.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And even when I dated guys in high school, like it was illegal, the men that I was dating, you know, they were in their 20s and I was a teenager. Like I could totally put them in jail for statutory rape, except I seduced all of them. You know, there's nothing I would ever do. It's like it's my fault when people like it's not your fault. These men should never have been with a girl that age.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
I'm like, you don't understand what I was like when I was fucking 16. I was like 45. So they didn't have a chance.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
I remember going to Martha's Vineyard. My parents had a summer house at Martha's Vineyard. That makes it sound like we were really wealthy. We were.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
Yeah, my dad just was a used car dealer. So I'm not even sure how he got that house, but he got it. And he – my sister and I went – oh, there was this guy. His name was –
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
uh justin chu i believe japanese guy no no american he looked like brad pitt that's what was so interesting about the whole thing so he was at this hotel in martha's vineyard and i would go there i was like uh probably 10 but passing as like 15 16 yeah long 10 a tall 10 yeah 10 had boobs everything's coming together great and i would go to this hotel pool and just like cruise you know for guys like at 10 years old i was like i gotta find a boyfriend you know
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And who are these other people that are on vacation? And this guy looked like Brad Pitt. He was so good looking. And I was, you know, flirting with him. And, oh, no, maybe I was 11, maybe I was 12. I don't know. I probably wasn't 10, but I was young, young, too young to be on a date probably. And I went on a date with him and a very, you know, like innocent date.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Just went out somewhere in Martha's Vineyard. Like there was a lot of kids hanging around at night. So I'm sure we were just like walking through Main Street or something. With the Kennedys or something probably? Something pretty innocent. And then he kissed me when I came back. He kissed me and he put his tongue in my mouth. And I had never been more repulsed in my life. My sister picked me up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
My older sister Simone picked me up at the Harborview Hotel. And I got in the car and I'm like, I'm a lesbian. I can't believe how disgusting that was. I can't believe some man just put his tongue in my mouth. And she's like, everyone thinks that the first time. Like you're going to like that when you're older. You're just too young. And I'm like, I'll never like that. And I'm a lesbian.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
And she's like, you're not going to like what that entails either. Like if you didn't like a tongue in your mouth, you're certainly not going to like a pussy in your mouth. So she wasn't wrong. I do like men and I've continued to like them since that time. But yeah, it wasn't a, yeah. And then after that, I was very fast.
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E570 Chelsea Handler
You know, like I started having boyfriends when I was 13, 14 years old, having sex like when I was 14, 15 years old. And then I just went off the rails pretty much. My teenage years were like pregnant, stuff like that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
No, no. My parents basically were like, come with us. You're getting an abortion. And I was like, what do you mean?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E570 Chelsea Handler
Any state. It was legal everywhere. Like, you know, it was Massachusetts, so I got an abortion there. I think I got one in New Jersey, too. I had a couple of abortions with the same boyfriend each time. It was the same guy. But my parents were horrified by my behavior. They were like, I was excited. The first time I got pregnant, I'm like, this is great. I'll have a baby.