Chelsea Handler
Appearances
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So now I'm soaked in orange juice and urine, okay? And the flight, we have 14 hours left. So I come out of that fucking bathroom, I'm raging. I'm like, you are a fucking nightmare that you made me wear this face mask and now I'm soaked in my own urine and orange juice? So we land. Somehow we land. We get to New Zealand. And you know they're very strict in New Zealand and Australia.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
They're very strict about customs, what you're bringing in. There's a whole list of things to check off. Oh, I've never been. Did you bring fruit? Did you bring vegetables? Do you have a gun? Did you bring whatever that you're not supposed to bring into their country? Do you have a dog or whatever? And my cousin, there's one says, did you bring it? Do you have any meats?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And my cousin goes to check off meats. And I go, what are you doing? What are you doing? And she's like, I have a beef jerky in my backpack. Oh, my fucking God. Beef jerky. I looked at her. I go, what? Rip that up and throw that. I have edibles, mushrooms, and a sheet of fucking acid on me. And you're declaring a chomp's beef stick? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Get the fuck out.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Away from me. What the fuck? I'm covered in orange juice urine and have so many drugs on me and you're sitting here talking about beef jerky. I would have tackled her to the fucking ground. I didn't talk to her for three days. We went to a winery when we landed. We went to a winery. And we didn't speak. We sat across from each other.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
We sat like six seats away because we're looking out into this beautiful valley. New Zealand is gorgeous. They have all these beautiful wineries. We're at this winery. We weren't even speaking. I was like, I hope you're having a good time on this trip that I invited you on free. I hope you're having a good time. Somebody who wants to declare beef jerky is not my friend.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I can barely lift it now. And so I come back from Whistler and I go to the doctor and I was like, something's off. And they're like, let's give you an MRI. And they're like, oh, you have an infection. And I was like, okay. And they're like, do you feel like you're infected?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It could have been my fault, Alex, but that's not the point. You know what I mean? That wasn't the punchline. This is the blame game. You know, I'm going to blame her and I will continue to blame her for declaring beef jerky. First of all, even if I didn't have acid mushrooms and ecstasy, or sorry, edibles, mushrooms, and acid, that's what I brought on that trip.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Even if I had those non-threatening items that people want to get upset about, you know what I mean? No one, even if I didn't have that, I don't have time for someone who's going to declare a beef jerky stick.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
What are you going to do, infect a farm animal with that? It's wrapped up. What does this sheet of acid look like? Oh, it's beautiful. It's got this big Buddha on it. And Whistler, I have a ski house in Whistler that I spend my winters in. And they have the best drugs. In Canada, most things are legal. It's all microdose. It's nothing too crazy. It's not like I'm tripping my balls off.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But I like a little mood lifter. So it's a big Buddha lady. And it's one big sheet and it's got like 376 hits on it. And it lasts me throughout the year. And I drug people wherever I go. I hit people. I'm like, you have to take this. It's such a mood lifter and an answer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I mean, I don't know that you need anything else.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I feel like you're pretty amped up.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But what I do, like we went whale watching in Australia. And so I took it like for that, like, oh, we're going to go see whales. I want to communicate with the animals. And so. Are you making noises? No, no, no. I just know where like I could tell where the pods of whales were before they could even pop up out of the water.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And my cousin, I was like, the guy on the boat would say, everybody go to the right. There was like 150 people on the boat. And he'd be like, okay, there's a pod of whales to the right. And they take you out of Sydney Harbor and you go out into these huge swells. Everyone's throwing up. Not me, because I'm fucking seaworthy, you know? and everyone's throwing up.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then he's like, okay, there's a pot of whales at 45 degrees, and everyone on the boat runs to the one side of the boat. And I'd be like, there's also a pot of whales coming up over here. And finally, my cousin Molly came up to me, and she's like, why are you staying in the same spot? I'm like, because I am in communication with the whales, Molly, because I took LSD this morning.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I said, well, I've been having hot and cold flashes for the last two weeks, but I just assumed that was like perimenopause or something. So I got estrogen, progesterone, and now I found out it's a fucking infection. And I'm probably not even in perimenopause. I probably am. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And she goes, it's kind of amazing that you've been right about where the whales are each time. And I was like, it would be kind of amazing if you had taken LSD too instead of your beef fucking chopstick.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Everyone else is throwing up and they're sober. It's not woo. It's like, ah, this is beautiful. Look at me. Look at me talking to this whale. Like, wow, I'm on a different vibration. Like, everything's a little sparklier, a little bit more glittery. Like, you have patience for people that you normally wouldn't.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, and they're vomiting, so obviously.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I need a lifter for that. Okay, okay. A karaoke bar. Oh, God. I would need something serious. Mix a little. Something I probably haven't even tried yet because I can't sing and so I don't want to be seen singing. You can't? No, no, no. I can't sing and I can't dance. What if we just hit a tune right now? I can't. I can't sing. Defying gravity. Defying gravity.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Oh, that would be drugs for sure. Oh, yeah, my nephew's bar mitzvah. I was handing everybody edibles at that event. At my cousin's wedding, I handed even my cousin's mother, who I think is my cousin, I gave her a little hit of LSD. She didn't know what it was, but I said, just take this. Your night's going to enhance. And she took it.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I can't hear where the crazy is coming from. This direction? Oh my God, you guys. It's us! We're back together again! You have no idea how stupid you are.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I was in Mallorca, and I was – there was this – I take acid to Mallorca, and I dose everyone. All my friends come. They have mind-numbing, bending experiences. We all have a great time. Is it legal in Mallorca? Is acid legal anywhere? I think it is legal in – things are legal in Spain that aren't legal everywhere, but who knows? Anyway, no one's really looking for acid. You know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
They're not going to see that sheet of that Buddha woman and go, is that acid? They're going to be like, oh, she's a really good artist. Yeah. And I saw this elderly couple walking down the street and they just looked so in love like they were in their 80s and they were holding hands. And I was on LSD. My whole group of friends was on LSD. And I said, look how beautiful that is.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like they're still into each other. This man loves her. He was holding her one hand with both of his hands. And I stopped them and I was like, you guys are so cute. Like, what's the story? They're like, this is our 50th wedding anniversary. And I have a house in Mallorca, so I wasn't far from my house. And I said, oh, my God, your 50th wedding anniversary. I was like, that's incredible.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
What are you guys going to do? And they're like, we're just walking around the port. And I said, this is I have two kayaks that are in front of my house on the beach. I said, these are my kayaks. I said, please take them and go out for like a midnight stroll. It's so beautiful under the sky in Mallorca, the stars and the moonlight. I said, please take these kayaks. And I also have some LSD.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Does it relax you? It feels good. You know what I mean? It's like a nice buzz. Like, you'll see what happens to me. Halfway through this interview, it'll hit? I cut it in half because it hits you faster if you do that. Just FYI for pills. I seem crazy right now.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And so I got their medical background. Neither of them had a heart condition or any sort of thing to be alarmed about. And I said, I have these little tabs. I go, don't be scared. They're micro dose. They were only enhanced. If you are happy now, you can't imagine the level of happiness you are going to achieve if you take these. And the man was like, oh, we're good. We're good. We're in love.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I go, no, no, please trust me. You know, please. And the woman goes, I'd like to try some. And I said, so I gave her a hit. I gave him a hit. They decided to take one kayak. They went out to the port. I forgot about them. I was with my friends. I was at some bar, restaurant. I went to bed. We all went to bed. I woke up the next morning. I was out on my terrace. It was like 7 a.m. I'm working out.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I see the kayak pull up. Shut the fuck up. And I'm like, who? Oh, my God. That's that couple that I gave my kayak to. I go, have they been out all night? And I live in this port. And so you can kayak out into the Mediterranean, but there's all these little coves. And they came up the beach and they're walking towards me and I'm waving to them. I'm like, hey, guys.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And they come up to the stairs to my house and I open my gate and they come in and they go, we spent the whole night. in an alcove, like one of those caves. We kayaked into a cave and we spent our 50th wedding anniversary up all night talking about all of our favorite memories. You gave us the best gift we could have ever been given. And I was like, I had tears in my eyes, you know?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like, I'm like, I'm a healer. I am healing people. And then the woman looked at me and she goes, do you have any more? And I did. And I gave it to her, of course, because I share it.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
you are like a like a shaman yeah you're like a drug doula or whatever i want people to experience the great listen drugs are not for everyone yeah i respect that and i understand that it can be a problem for many people but they're for me i want to come to majorca yeah
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But this, Alice, like, listen, I'm not, people aren't like hallucinating. It's a mood lifter and a life enhancer. And I really believe it is medicinal. And I am pro that.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
uh yeah several what how does that come about well how doesn't it come about you tell me how you keep your hands off of someone who's keeping staying in charge of your body on a mountain that can ski better than you that's hot how are you not have sex with that person you tell me alex well to be fair i feel like skiing can be like a little bit of a catfish situation because you're like what's going on under there have you ever been like oh oh right that's a good point actually
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
That's what that once happened to me. Scuba diving. I had a dive instructor. We were in French Polynesia and we were diving and we were on this boat. And we had two dive masters and we were diving with like black tip reef sharks and white tip reef sharks and they were pretty big. And I wasn't really good at scuba diving at that point.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I had just gotten certified and I was really nervous and I kept like, you know, you're so far underwater that it's scary that you can't just go back up. Yes. Yes. And I saw this, my cousin Molly, again, this fucking one. Jesus. She pulls the bottom of my ankle and I look down and there's a huge like eight foot black tip reef shark underneath.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
and I panic and I'm like having, I'm shaking and my goggles, I can't clear my goggles. I kept getting water in them so I couldn't really see. So you couldn't see anything. And so I start panicking and I start going, trying to swim to the surface. And then the dive master came down, put my goggles right on my face, cleared my mask, and then looked at me and like held my hands.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And he's like, and he's like motioning to breathe in and breathe out. And I'm looking at him and I'm like, And he's holding my hands and then he's like, he's like, do you want to go up? And I was like, I want to, you know, I want to stay with you.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And and I was like, I'm and then for the rest of the dive, he and I held hands and we we swam around all the sharks while he guided me because he was now in charge of me. And this is a very big turn on to me. And a lot of women, I think, who have been neglected in their childhood by their fathers. And all my friends, so we had two dive masters. There were 10 of us.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And she didn't wear socks with her shoes. She dresses worse than you do. You know what I mean? She just does not give a shit. I just was with her in New Orleans. Amy will walk down the street in pajamas and go out. She does not care. She doesn't care. But I kind of love that. She did it. She did an episode with Oprah for something.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I had one and the rest of them, the nine of them had one. And so I had commandeered this guy. And so we're holding hands diving and I'm like, I'm going to have to fuck this guy. You know, when we get to the surface, I'm going to fuck this guy. I am so turned on. He saved my life. And I am attracted to him.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then when we got to the top of the surface, we got in the boat, he took his mask off and I was like, get the fuck away from me. Don't even look at me again. Giving like ogre. Just not attractive. Not your vibe. Not my vibe at all. And he was like really looking after me. And I had to be like, it's over now that we're on the surface of the water. That was one relationship was underwater.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And now there's a different relationship.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, I mean, he wasn't... You didn't pity fuck him? No, no, no, no, no, no. Are you often pity fucking people? That's a great question. Yeah. I have to say, you know, you do ask great questions, Alex. And I don't say that like, wow. But I mean, obviously, you've had a very successful career that is going to continue to be successful.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But when I was listening to your last interview, I think Amy said that to you. And I was like, yes, yes. You really are a good interviewer. These questions are good questions. These questions inspire me to want to ask better questions on my own podcast, but I'm too lazy to do that kind of research.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, I'm sure I've pity fucked. I mean, I wouldn't say I've done that recently, but I'm trying to think back to a time where, yeah, where you have a guy in your hotel room and you're like, oh, God, how am I going to get out of this? Yeah. And then you're just like, maybe it's easier just to fuck it. Because it can be quick. The fucking? Yeah. Well, hopefully in that case.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But no, if I'm grossed out, I will. You're out. I'm bouncing.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So many. I mean, I had so many fun one-night stands in my 20s and 30s. Oh. What's the best one? That's really hard. It's okay. I once had sex with this guy. What was his name? I like to be able to call people out with their first and last names, which is going to be hard for this because I don't even remember his first name. But I once had sex. I don't know if this was the best. Yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But it was sexy. Ooh. And it wasn't a one night stand. I went on for like a week, but it was like a one night thing. I was in the, at the London Olympics in 2012, I believe. And I was staying with my, a couple of gay friends of mine had a house and And I was walking home late one night or I was being driven home and I was walking down the street to their house.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And this really sexy British guy just we just locked eyes. And it was like sex. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I was like something you would see in a movie. And I and I was like, I'm in London. This is an impromptu trip. I'm like, what if I just had an affair with this guy? And I walked past him and I stopped and I turned around and he had stopped. And it was late at night.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I'm pretty sure it was it was something like sweatpants and like a cardigan and to do like some interview with Oprah somewhere. And I just thought, wow, look at you, girl.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like this was dangerous. You know, it could have been. And it was late at night. And he said, would you like to come back to my place? That straight up? That was the first thing. thing he said. The eye look that we had was so intense that I was like, yes. And we went back to his house. I mean, we barely spoke.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I went over there every night after the Olympics for a week, had a full on affair with this guy. I don't even know if I know his last name. Or his first, clearly. And we had this incredible, it was just like, like just chemistry, but not a lot of like getting to know each other. It was just purely sexual. And then I'd be like, okay, I'm going to the Olympics tomorrow.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like, and he's like, are you gonna come back tomorrow night? I'm like, yes, definitely. And then I'd get home at like 10. I'd be like, I'm coming over. And he'd be like, great. And we'd have a couple drinks. And then we'd have crazy sex. And then I'd go back to the friends. And the friends whose house I was staying at, I never even told them what was going on. I don't know why.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Because it just felt so steamy and sexy. And I wanted to keep it to myself.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But you weren't cheating on your husband. You were just having a fling. No, but I would cheat on my husband. You know what I mean? I definitely would. That's why I'm not married.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Sex, I mean, this isn't kind of a boring thing to say, but you're just more into your body and being pleased and asking for what you want. And you don't care about your cellulite. You don't care about the way that you look or if they see you in overhead lighting. I don't care what I look like on top of you or underneath you. I'm hot.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Absolutely. And I hate that. I hate that women feel that way. And we talk about it all the time. I know you talk about it on this all the time. Women don't ask for what they want. They don't even orgasm. You don't even orgasm half the time because you're just worried about pleasing men or not being confident about asking for what you want. So, I mean, that's totally true.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
As you get older, you're just like, this is what I want. Can you provide it? You know, these are the rules. And this is what's gonna happen.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Tell me everything. Spill the tea. I've been down that road before with having a public relationship. Yeah, you're not doing that. My last relationship. No, it's not that. It's more out of respect for their privacy. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want him to have to be exposed to my world.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I met him a long time ago, but we didn't really become lovers until about six or seven months ago.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I invited him to Mallorca on a trip with a group of friends. Everyone's getting invited but me. Yeah, I know. Almost. Now that we're talking about it, it's almost like everyone has been except for you. I invited him on. I've known him for years. I've always been attracted to him, but he was not available. And I always have wanted, like, someone like him in my life. Okay. He's... hot. He's awesome.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I think what your stick is, is good. I should keep it. Yeah. Yeah. Keep it. Who cares who you're interviewing? She didn't win anyway. So obviously it didn't fucking matter. You know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
He's sweet and so caring and completely sees me and understands that I am not available a lot. Yep. You know what I mean? My life is pretty crazy. And he appreciates that. And he's around when I want him to be and he's great. I mean, listen, I go through periods where I have multiple lovers and that's kind of like what I wanted to do when I was a little girl.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I wanted to grow up and be a woman that did have multiple lovers. I've never been interested in marriage. I'm not interested in long-term commitments to work, to people, to anything. I am a free spirit and I want to remain and soar like an eagle.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I want to soar like an eagle with my heart and legs wide open. No, I love men. Listen, I love men. You know what I mean? And I want to have adventures with lots of them. And I try to make sure everybody knows that's where I'm coming from when I'm in a relationship or any sort of... You know what I mean? I'm very upfront. I'm not a liar. You're direct. I'm just like, listen, this is the deal.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, they told me not to eat today, that I have to be on a liquid diet. But do you think they meant liquid by like alcohol? No, I don't think they meant that. But they know what, listen, my doctors understand who they're dealing with. Half the time I'm correcting them.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Okay. Am I interested in him? Yeah. I mean, I'm not interested in flying with him, but I'm interested in him. Yes. I like that.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, I don't think we can, but it will be there.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Not, not, no, no. I don't like men that are scared of dogs. I agree. It's one of the bigger red flags. Why? What happened to you? Were you attacked by a wolf? Like, if you are scared of dogs, something is wrong with you. And I don't appreciate that at all. And your dogs are adorable. Unless you were attacked by a dog. Yes. And you're a woman.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, you, I heard you on the Amy Schumer one say that you don't do drugs anymore. That was very disappointing.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I love when guys go down on me.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Going down on you? Yeah, just like, ah. I mean, that going down on you could work because that's pretty much they're going to hit the target at some point. But you can pretty much, I mean, in a position where a man is going down on you, you have most likely your hands on their head. directing them exactly where to go. But if someone kisses me in a sloppy, gross way, that is unrecoverable.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I don't mind that. You don't? No. A little competition? I don't care if somebody hates that I'm funny. That's not my problem. That's their problem. Okay, he's your best friend? Again, great line of questioning, Alice. Thank you.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I smoke weed. That's not a hard drug. Is it? No, weed is not a hard drive.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
He's my best friend? I don't want him to be my best friend, first of all. So that's already a cancel. I don't need a guy, my lover, to be my best friend. That's stupid. I love how that wasn't like the problem. No, that wasn't even the question, but I'll just cut you off.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, that's not my thing. Really? No. I mean, you have to respect your mother, but not a mama's boy. I find that to be, yeah, like the same way like a daddy's girl. Like, come on, we're all adults here. Grow up. You've never been a daddy's girl? I mean, maybe I was a dad. No, not really. My dad wasn't that impressed with me, and I wasn't that impressed with him, quite frankly. Okay.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I was going to say my dad wasn't that attractive.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I mean, I've definitely met guys on Raya where that is the case. And then I've definitely had sex with guys like that. I don't know about dating guys like that. I mean, selfies, not really.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But don't say you dabble with marijuana. That sounds like you're 85 years old. Dabble with pot?
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, no, no, no, no, you're right. Selfies, no, actually, when I think about it.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
DJ Diplo is that who you're talking about not specifically Diplo but if you fuck Diplo no because I didn't fuck him no okay good I wanted to I wanted to I did a segment with him once on my Netflix show and I was like he's hot and then you know he's not that hot to me anymore but a DJ no I've never fucked a DJ not that I'm aware of
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Me too. I could see that. Yeah. Like you're on LSD, you're bumping. Yeah, but I don't, yeah, I'm not really good at dancing either. So dancing and singing are the two things. That's what I really appreciate about Wicked is, is that they could dance and sing. I'm always amazed by people who can do that. Like Zoe Saldana and Amelia Perez. I didn't know she could dance and sing.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So take it or leave it. Yeah, you can't have it all.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I think certain people bring out toxicity. You know what I mean? Like certain dynamics are toxic. So like you don't belong with certain people because they bring out the worst in you. You bring out the worst in them. Give me an example. I had an ex-boyfriend. We dated for a couple of years and we had a very toxic, very... Like, like I would look through his phone. He cheated on me.
Call Her Daddy
Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
He would be out all hours. I'd be paranoid about it. I, it was, it was the worst version of me that I've ever experienced. I remember I was, I was filming, I was shooting Chelsea lately at the time I was working on that show. And I, I would be so consumed about when he was going to call and, and how late he was out at night.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I'm such a mess. I don't know what I'm doing.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Cause he lived in New York and I lived in LA and, and we had this great chemistry. So we had so much fun together and it was, and then, but it was toxic and there was gamesmanship and he didn't want to be controlled. And I was trying to control him. And you know, That's the worst. None of that works ever. You can't ever try to control anyone. And if anyone's going to cheat, they're going to.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
They're not going to not because you're calling them. Are you talking about 50 Cent? No, no, no. He was beautiful. He was a sweetheart. He was so sweet. Yeah. I bring it up every time I talk to you. A lot of people bring that up. People seem to really like that story. I wonder why. Why do you think that is? I just think...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm drinking alcohol. I am on a liquid diet today for my surgery tomorrow morning. I'm not joking. I'm getting surgery tomorrow morning. No, actually, I have an Owl's Brew photo shoot tomorrow. So I have to wait until that's done because everyone's flying out from New York. And then I'm getting my surgery at around 1 p.m. My photo shoot starts at 5 a.m.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, yeah, I hear what you're saying. He was a sweetheart. All my friends when I dated him just fucking loved it because he'd come over to our house every night and he'd have like a Lamborghini one day and then like a yellow Ferrari the next day. Meanwhile, I realized he was borrowing all these cars from different dealerships. I was like, you can do that? I'm like, oh. And then I got a Bentley.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I got a chocolate Bentley because he kept coming over every night and he'd have a different car. So as a joke, I went and bought a chocolate Bentley. I didn't know you could borrow cars. and as a celebrity. So I went and bought a chocolate Bentley and then we broke up. So there I am stuck with this chocolate Bentley like a fucking white dumb bitch asshole driving around like I'm some rapper.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I had that Bentley, which was a really nice car by the way, I had that Bentley for like two years.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I bought an ex-boyfriend, the toxic one, actually. Okay. He has a house in upstate New York and like an estate. And I knew I had to break up with him at some point, but I wanted him to really feel it, you know? And I bought... Go out with a bang. I bought... He had this huge drive that led up to his estate. And it is an estate. I use that word because that's what it is. It's a huge farm.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It's gorgeous. It's on the Hudson River. And I bought him 35 linden trees that I'm pretty sure I imported from Germany at the time. Very extravagant. How expensive is that? Who knows? And I had... like 17 put lined on either side of the driveway so that they would grow and form a canopy so that when you drove in, you drive into his house under this alley of trees.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I knew that every winter, I mean that every spring and every fall, the leaves would change and bloom and, and it would be beautiful. And that everyone who saw them would be like, where, where did you get these trees? And every winter, I mean, sorry, every fall and every spring I get a text from him. Shut the fuck up. Going, I can't believe I lost you. Look at your trees.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Do you want to come see them? And I'm always like, not interested. That was just a message to you. You're good. That was a good breakup.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I gave it to him as like a birthday present, but I knew I was leaving. And then you say goodbye. Yeah. And then the trees got planted after I was gone, you know. And so that was like, that felt great.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah. That was like your last big toxic hit. And then you're out. Yeah. And then, and then I haven't had a toxic relationship since then. So that was kind of like, I went out with a bang and nature. So gorgeous. You know what would be good for you to have your dogs during your interviews? So I've thought about that, but I couldn't tell. Because I think it helps people.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I think anyone who's coming on this show understands that they're going to dish, right? They know what's up.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
You're getting up to the big. Yes, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. And I've already gotten an abortion during this interview, all within this time. But they know they're coming here. So I don't know that you need the dogs, but I like it. I like the idea of people softening and because dogs make people feel happy.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I once flew one of my dogs privately alone to meet me. In Whistler, Canada, because I thought there was a quarantine when I first started going there and I didn't know I could bring my dog. So I flew myself there first. And then when I found out you don't have to quarantine your dogs, I sent for Chunk. And he got on a plane with two pilots and a manifest that said Chunk Handler.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So that was one extravagant thing. That is fucking – imagine being those pilots. That's exactly right. The other thing I've done is I'm in Maine. It's COVID. And I'm trying to fuck Andrew Cuomo at the time because I had a hot, hot thing for Andrew Cuomo. He was hot at the time. Yeah, he was hot. And anyway, I rented this house in Maine. And then Andrew Cuomo blew me off.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
This is in the book, by the way. And this is the book and my stand-up special, which is coming out after the book. I realized it wasn't happening with Andrew Cuomo. We had a long flirtation or a short one, but I was led to believe I'd be penetrated by him at some point. And when that didn't happen, I was with my brothers and sisters and a bunch of friends at this house that I'd rented in Maine.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I was like, God, I didn't bring Bert and Bernice. I've just been rejected by a man. It's COVID, I'm single. A lot of people during COVID who were single feared that maybe they would never get penetrated again. Maybe that was it. What if I never am allowed to have sex again? So it was a rejection, a dejection. It was deep.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I, I was like, I came downstairs and I said to my sister, Simone, like, I need Bert and Bernie's here. I'm pissed that they're not here. I don't know what I was thinking. We're here for a month. Like I need some comfort. And I'm not flying my dogs privately. That's ridiculous. Like, I did that once and I was shamed for it. And I don't want to be that egregious.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So she said, let me figure it out. And she came downstairs and said she had found a service. There was a couple that could drive my dogs from California to Maine, and then they could be there in 48 hours. It was a Monday at 7 p.m. And I was like, 48 hours? I was like, is that even possible? But, you know, when things go my way, I don't ask a lot of questions. I'm like, great.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So Wednesday at like 7.30, this couple pulls up in this like trailer hitch situation, like a van attached to something else. I don't know the vernacular for those types of things because, you know. And...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
my dogs kind of scuttled out and my dogs aren't very affectionate they were both they're both dead now but they were they're just both aloof they were brother and sister combo platter and they were chow chows and they're just kind of like slow sluggish and just seemingly off and i i said to the couple that pulled i was so grateful you know to see my dogs i was so anyone who has an animal understands
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I went inside to make them a thank you cocktail. I went inside to the kitchen. My brother Roy was cooking. He's the chef in our family. And he was cooking. And he was like, I said, I grabbed a bottle of Belvedere, grabbed some cocktail glasses. And he goes, what are you doing? And I said, I'm making the couple that just delivered Bert and Bernice a thank you cocktail.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And he said, don't make them more than one round, Chelsea. Like very sternly, he's talking to me. And I'm like, excuse me? I go, what's your problem? He goes, look at me. And he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose, like in a very serious, like avuncular way. And he goes, look at me. Anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes. So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing that. I'm Jewish. We don't do that. So I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like, thanks a lot. Well, you know, we can't be, we can't stay for long.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
We have to be in Florida by midnight. Oh. That's also not a five-hour drive. I'm like, okay. But the next couple of days, the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like, my dog like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes. And I'm sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach. It was so beautiful with my brother, Roy.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I go, what's wrong with Bert and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them, Chelsea? Yeah. You just sent your dogs on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic. What the fuck? He's like, they're detoxing. They're coming down. They're coming down off the drug. Yeah, they were coming down.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then the next day, the Bushes were there. The Bushes were in Kennebunkport. The next day, Barbara Bush, George W. Bush, one of the twins, Barbara and Jenna, she texts me. She's like, sissy. We call each other sissy. She's like, sissy, I hear you're in Biddeford Pool, which is where we were staying. And I was like, yeah. She's like, we're coming by.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the First Lady with her. There's like three Secret Service people. And they're sitting on my porch. We're all talking. I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like, I can't be seen with a former first lady. And then Bert, Barbara Bush loved my dog Bert. She loved him.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She understood his body type the way I did, like just a bundle of meat, you know? And he was, and she was like, why is Bert acting? I'm like, he's sick. He's sick. Cause I know, you know, like I'm not going to bring a crystal meth to the fucking first lady. And my brother Roy's out there and I knew he was about to fucking say something. I'm like, you shut up.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Do not tell, you know how Republican first ladies act about drugs. You know, there's a war on them and I don't want them to think me and my loose lifestyle that I'm drugging my dogs. So it was pretty ridiculous. They recovered, I think. You think? Wait, and so now do you have new dogs? I have a new dog, Doug. Doug. Yeah, he's black and beautiful. He's a full chow. Oh.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, and a rescue, a full chow rescue. What? Yeah, yeah. Are you lying? No. No, no, no. I think our dogs need to meet. I would never lie about anything. I mean, why would I? I don't know. I have nothing to hide. You don't lie ever? You think after everything that I've divulged today, I'm going to lie about my dog being a rescue? I mean, honestly, Alex Cooper.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Are those pills? Those are Vicodin. What? I have a fever right now, just so you know. This is my Owl's Brew Chelsea Handler's Vodka Lemonade that's coming out with my book. I have three flavors, pink, yellow, and mint. Non-sparkling, very healthy cocktail. I'm gonna be drinking this while I'm here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Just God forbid you want to like get more street cred. No, no, no. You don't give a shit. I bought a dog once. I returned him though. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's worse to admit. He was a loser. He was a loser, that dog. Why? Because he's such a fucking lunatic. I don't like... I like lazy dogs. Yeah. But this dog I have now, Doug, he's black. I wanted a dog of color. Yeah. And he is so...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
beautiful and friendly and a real dog. Like I've had such zombies for dogs for so long because I don't really wanna exercise with them and do that stuff. That I appreciate dogs that are a little bit on the lazy side. I've never had a dog like Doug and he just brings so much joy to everyone he meets. He looks like a bear. Do you ever bring your dogs to dog parks? I don't.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I try not to go to dog parks. I've had some of the worst interactions with human beings at dog parks.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
That's why you're in this chair.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I was looking for Doug. Actually, they were bringing Doug to showcase me this chow rescue that I got my last dogs from. They knew I was down one dog and looking for, you know, a refill. So they brought these two dogs to a dog park in Brentwood. I went to the wrong dog park and I opened, you know how they have those metal gates? Yeah.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I walk in and I'm like looking around to see if the people with the dogs are anywhere. And some guy screams at me going, shut the door now. Or shut the gate. Shut the gate. And you know, it's like they have two gates to get into the dog park. One and then. And I looked at him like I'm five feet away from the gate.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
There are no dogs anywhere except for him and his two dogs, which he has on leashes. And he's like 50 yards away screaming. And I'm like, are you talking? I'm like, sir. Shut the fuck up. Can you please relax? And he's charging towards me. And I'm like, sir, calm down. He goes, it just takes two seconds for one of these dogs to get out on the street and get hit on Barrington. And then what?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I'm like, sir, something happened to you today and it has nothing to do with me. So please stop talking to me. And I go, and stop looking at me, actually. You're freaking me out. And I'm looking at my phone trying to figure out if I'm at the wrong dog park because there's two kind of catty corner. Yeah, yeah. Don't say catty corner, but...
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And so I'm looking down and then he goes, all of you celebrities think you can just get away with murder. And then I looked up on behalf of celebrities everywhere. I was offended. Do you know what I mean? And I looked up, I go, I'm sorry, sir. That's really uncalled for. I said, there are no dogs here except for yours that are on leashes. I'm close to the gate. No dog could run past me.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And you couldn't even rent two for the day? No. Didn't you just make $100 million? I don't understand what is going on here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And he goes, you're a whore, Chelsea Handler. What the fuck? You're a whore.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then I realized he was gay on top of it, which was a double whoopsie doodle. Because I'm like, first of all, I think I've proven my allyship for fucking since I was before I was born. And obviously no straight man is screaming like that at a dog park. You know what I mean? No straight man is like, get out of here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, there was another guy that was walking up, luckily, because then he heard him. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, do you need any backup here? And I'm like, no, no. I just have a crazy gay I'm dealing with right now. And then the guy, the gay guy got in his minivan and started taking pictures of me and I started smiling and waving. I was like, hi.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then I was like, should we get one together? You know, like he was gonna report me or something.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Oh, oh. So I don't know. I don't, yeah, I'm not into dog parks. Listen, I don't really, I don't even walk my dog. Okay. Like I, let's be honest.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, I guess. I mean, I find dog talking, like, I find dog jargon very irritating. Huh. who are obsessed with their animals. Listen, I'm obsessed with my animal. I am showing pictures of him. I'm totally guilty of it as well. So it's very hypocritical, but I still don't like it. I have a dog person in Whistler that takes my dog on three-hour hikes every day.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And the way she talks about dogs, I just have to tune out. You know what I mean? The first time I met a dog trainer in Whistler, this isn't who I have now. Who I have now, Abby, who's very cool. But I had a woman who came... And she said, okay, what are you looking today? The first session will be a discovery session. And I'm like, okay, let me cancel this meeting. I'm not dealing with you.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And then she sent me links to YouTube videos to watch recall videos about how I was going. I'm like, listen, bitch, I'm not training him. You are. So you watch the video and then let me know what to do because we're not doing it together.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She said – and by the way, I don't even want that. Why do you want a paw? What for? Is that cute? I don't think that's cute. No, it's good for training. Sit, paw, treat. Sit is fine. I just want them to not attack anyone. That's all I want is for my dogs to behave – and be friendly to little children when they come and pet them. True. And not attack anyone.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I don't need them to run and do tricks and lie down and spin. It's all so dumb. It's a little circus-y. Yeah. Are you having sex in the room with your dogs? Oh, that's a great question. My dog comes on the bed and he's so agile. He's big and furry and he looks like he weighs like... I mean, he does weigh like 65 pounds, but... When he jumps up on the bed, you can never hear him.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So I, so all of a sudden we'll be having sex and we'll look up and Doug is just like this. And I'm like, oh my God, Doug, I can't have him see his mother like giving a blow job. Do you know what I mean? I don't want him to like.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But the look on their face is like, they're like, what is happening here? They're like inquisitive. They're like, huh? Yeah, yeah. Like, am I a part of this or am I not a part? It's like, you're definitely not a part of this. And I need you to actually get the fuck off the bed because this is weird.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Oh, this is your new thing. I heard you do this with Amy. Okay, sure.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, maybe you should go to the doctor. No, it's good. Do you know that it's a good smell that he's smelling? I know.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm just fucking psyched. Yeah.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm happy. I'm just happy. My life is so fun. I'm happy that I get to do what I love to do, that I like my family for the most part. There are a couple, you know, but that I have this life that I've created. What happened with Jane Fonda? Jane Fonda, the book, there's a story in the book. where Jane Fonda calls me over to her house, summons me, quite frankly.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, yeah, me too. Like what's gonna happen? Maybe I'll take another one. Who knows?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
This is like, I don't know how, I have no sense of time, so maybe 15 years ago. Summoned me to her house. And no, it was 10 years ago. It was 10 years ago because I was 40 and I'm about to turn 50. So she summoned me to her house. She sent me an email and said, Chelsea, I'd like to talk to you about something. And it was a stern tone in the email.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Like, I mean, it'll just it'll take my make my pain subside.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I was like, she's like, are you free for dinner? And I'm like, sure, absolutely. It's Jane Fonda. I'm always free for you. When? When? And she's like, tonight, actually, it's 7.30. I'll see you at my house. And I'm like, uh-oh. Like, what? Oh, fuck. I was like, what is this about? And my best friend at the time, I was like, what do you think? She's like, I don't know. That's so weird.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'm like, can you come with me? And she's like, I'm not invited. I'm like, I know. So I get to her house. And I had been to her party. I think it was her birthday party. She had a party of some sort. And I had been to her party, like, months and months earlier. And she goes, you were terrible at that party. She goes, I don't know what drugs you were on. You insulted multiple people.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, it'll start probably. Yeah, doing its thing. Yeah. Okay. Restless arm syndrome. I
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
You were a dark cloud hanging over the party. The whole conversation is in the book, so I'm probably paraphrasing. And I was... mortified obviously and I she wasn't wrong I don't even you know I barely remember that party I was on drugs I'm sure who knows which ones and I and I had just started therapy. I had just began therapy.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Thank God, because one of the first things you learn in therapy is like, if you are defensive about anything, then you're wrong or lying. You know what I mean? Like if you're right, you don't have to defend yourself.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Yeah, like your vagina, like you just did that with your vagina. And I was sitting there across from her and I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I'm mortified. This is so humiliating. And I was like, and I just said, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what was wrong with me. And you're right. I was terrible that night, I'm sure, because I don't really remember much of it.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It's kind of hazy. I mean, I remembered the party, but I didn't remember specifics. And in the midst of that humiliation and mortification. Yeah. the more overarching sentiment was
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I don't want to keep any trend, okay? You don't even have to finish these questions. No, you're on a podcast.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Because it's a fake book, you idiot. I mean, that's actually, what if that was the book? What if you had held it up and been like, I loved this part, and then you opened it up to nothing?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Those two do look alike, though, by the way. They're both little nuggets, you know what I mean?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Clean girl aesthetic. Every time I come here, I feel like I'm talking to somebody in kindergarten. That's how fucking old. What is clean girl aesthetic?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Well, I'm fucking, I'm a hot piece of ass. So if that's what that means, then great. Clean girl is like minimal makeup. Yes, I'm about that. Oh, yeah. I love that. I love that.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Pick-me? Like pick-me? No. Despi? No. No. So you know what pick me is. I think it means I think I can. Yeah. Desperado. Yeah. Desperado.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't need to appeal to the male gaze. They see me. Is it true that when you. Is it true that when you shower. You know what my favorite thing is. That I point at you. Listening to your podcast. What? Is the only time you can tell when you're laughing because it's the only time you're not talking.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So when there's, just write what's happening now to the listeners when it's quiet, because you have a very quiet laugh. It's like a little undertone, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
No, no, I love you, so you can keep going. I like you too. What do you mean I like me? You don't have any fucking things I've done for you? Are you fucking kidding me? I flew to fucking Nashville for your ass. She asked me. She asked me that she would send me a plane to Nashville. I did. You didn't take the offer. Bitch, you don't need to send me a fucking plane. Honestly.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Here I am, everyone. We're here.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Sure, that's why I'm here. Wait, what is? So I was supposed to, I'm in agony. I have a shoulder infection. Okay. And they wanted to have surgery today and I have too much press, including you. I'm like, I can't blow off Alex. I don't even know who I'm talking to. Who am I talking to right now? Look at me. There's so many people here. What? Okay. We're all just staring at you.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
This has become an issue. I don't know why my legs would be dirty. They're covered up all day in my jeans. And they're not out. You know what I mean? My legs aren't going out without me. And I'm pretty, like, you know, I showered the day before also. And when I lather my hair with shampoo and conditioner, there is a lot of lather.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And that drips down my body, cascades over my voluptuous breasts, onto my navel, and then down to my Pikachu. And my hot spots, which are, well, there's four. You know what they are. Yes. As long as I get in there, I could take less than a three-minute shower. And I often do. I should wash my hair because that's like not washing my hair doesn't feel clean. You know what I mean?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Then you're kind of like sweaty, gross all day. And so I get in. I wash my Pikachu. I wash my asshole. And I wash my underarms, which has been hard lately because I can't lift my right shoulder. So getting under this armpit. I can actually smell it right now. It's not.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I mean, I mean, honestly, like I'm getting the back of the calf. What about shaving? Doesn't that count for something? That's true. And that's like once a week. But your legs are so skinny. I mean, you shouldn't be washing them. What are they collecting dirt? I mean, it's so stupid. But, you know, I guess I don't know. I thought for a while, my God, maybe I really don't know how to shower.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But then I'm like, things are going pretty great. So. Fuck it. Why am I going to rock the boat?
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I know. I know. Because I have a real life. That's why I have things to say. Because I keep it, you know, I keep it real. And I have real experiences. And I have to because if you are a creative person in any way and you – forget to have a real life, then you have nothing to talk about. I do stand up and I write books and I need stories. So I have to travel the world and remain like, you know.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
It's a nice life. It's a great life. Why did you dedicate the book to flight attendants? Because they've been through hell. You know that. I mean, maybe you don't because you've been flying privately for so long.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
the most unappreciated service people that we have. What they went through through COVID made me- Horrible. Made me irate. I did go off on people on planes. I'm part of the crew. When I get on a plane, I become part of the crew.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
and i want to be one of them they know that i'm on their team i'm not with the passengers i'm with the the crew yeah what i do on a plane ride is usually papa xanax and go to bed i don't like to drink on planes i find drinking alone sad and i definitely don't want to talk to anyone around me so i kind of like drinking on a plane a lot of people do i just feel like it doesn't count i'm getting a little fucked up yeah i'm looking around but i don't like to talk to anyone like if you're on a plane are you talking to the person next to you what do you think what do you think
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But my assistant put this in my car this morning, and I was like, what do you want me to do with that? He goes, I don't know. Take it around with you. I go, take it around with me? He's new to town, so he doesn't know how things work. I think it's kind of incredible. But I thought it was really funny.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I hate those. There are not large enough headphones out there to send the signal to people that I do not want to be approached. I don't because- You're doubling up on your headphones. I have headphones that are literally the size of a small car so that it's like you couldn't, I couldn't hear you if you had a megaphone.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
But I do fly all the time and I fly commercially most of the time because I think that's the most responsible thing to do. I agree. I mean, I don't want to be somebody who's, you know, that out of touch. I do fly privately once in a while, but-
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
um i just i i think flight attendants really deserve our respect they are trapped in the sky with us and they have been treated with vitriol by idiots and so yeah i always i'm always i will always have a flight attendance back that's also though how you know this is your seventh book though like because i feel like who'd you dedicate the first one to who knows
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Mars the Trumps. I'm going to dedicate the next book to Ivanka. I mean, yeah, you're right. That's actually a really good point. I was like, I'm out of dedications. I already did this happy ones to my family.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
So I have a cousin, my cousin Molly. She's like my person, one of my people that runs my life. Okay. And this year I was traveling to New Zealand and Australia and she's my favorite travel buddy. We love to travel together. But she's a type, she's anal retentive. She's a type A. Okay. And I'm a type Z. Okay.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I am a type A from about 8 to 11 in the morning once I get my shit done and it takes me about three hours to get my shit done and that's it. Okay. And then I like to go off the rails. You know what I mean? Love that for you. So Molly, who has been, you know, she's she I've known her my whole life. Obviously, she's my cousin and she's worked for me for many years on and off.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
Just put it right there. But I do have to take a Vicodin, and I thought, what better place? Do it right here. So I'm doing my surgery. I got an injection to help my shoulder, a PRP injection. Whoever's listening, don't ever fucking do that. And now, and I've had chills and sweats for the last like two weeks since the injection. And my arm was excruciating, like my shoulder, I couldn't lift it.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
And I said, let's go to New Zealand and Australia. I was touring. I said, let's go together. And she's like, absolutely. She has a little three year old. So she's like, I have to be as safe as possible. And I want to wear a face mask on the plane and I need you to wear one, too. so that I don't get my daughter sick. And I'm like, we're going to be gone for three weeks. Fuck your daughter.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
She's not going to be here. What are you talking about? COVID is over. I'm an anti-masker now. You know what I mean? Like now that it's over, I don't give a shit. Like stop it. I'm not wearing that for like a 14 hour flight. I don't want to wear a 14 hour flight wearing a mask. And she's like, if you don't wear a mask, I'm not going to go with you. And I was like, okay, fine.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I'll wear a mask, psycho. So we're on the plane. And I take my I have my face mask on and she's across from me, you know, in her little bed and we're like looking at each other. I get an orange juice and I love orange juice and I get an orange juice and I forget my mask is on. And I take a sip with it. And all the orange juice falls all over my shirt. And I'm wearing a white t-shirt.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
I have no extra clothes. Everything has been checked. I didn't think I was going to spill like a fucking baby. And I'm like, oh, god damn it, you know? So I get up. And I go to the bathroom to start cleaning my shirt. And then I'm like, oh, let me go to the bathroom. So I sit down on the toilet. And I pull my face mask down.
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Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments
somehow confusing that with my underwear and end up urinating into my underwear and I'm like are there drugs involved no nothing has happened yet nothing has happened this is like an hour into the flight I haven't even taken my Xanax and that's what those flights are for it's like I love getting on a plane ride that long in that little cubby hole taking my Xanax cozy going to bed like oh my it's like a little apartment you have you know what I mean and they take such good care of you they treat you like a baby I love that