We Can Do Hard Things
Are You A High Functioning Codependent? Find Out with Terri Cole
Tue, 15 Apr 2025
402. Are You A High Functioning Codependent? Find Out with Terri Cole. Amanda, Glennon, and Abby are joined by licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, Terri Cole, to talk about high-functioning codependency—a term Terri coined to describe those who appear highly capable but feel deeply exhausted, resentful, and overwhelmed in relationships. In this episode, we’ll explore how being overly invested in others' outcomes can take a toll on your peace and relationships, and how to begin your healing journey. Be sure to tune in next episode for a deep dive into codependent recovery and how to navigate the process. -Why the more capable you are, the less codependency looks like codependency -Terri’s personal story about how she finally got into recovery for codependency -The two questions you should ask yourself as a codependent before you say yes to anything -The three quick practices you must do to protect your energy On Terri: Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global relationship and empowerment expert and the author of Boundary Boss and Too Much! She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients –including parents, celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs – achieve sustainable change. You can find her through her blog, courses, her podcast, The Terri Cole Show, and at terricole.com. Check out www.terricole.com/hfc for a special offering from Terri just for the podsquad! To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
How can you identify if you're a high-functioning codependent?
I think you said it is not offering some dumbass advice that you're not even going to take in order to make myself feel better at your expense.
Yes, that's exactly what I said. Thank you, Amanda.
Because you do kind of end up feeling, I feel so annoyed. When I share something really vulnerable and somebody just offers a quick fix back as if the problem is that I wasn't smart enough to figure that out, when really the problem is just that I'm a human being who's having feelings.
Yeah, that makes sense. Briefly though, let's talk about the most important thing we can change if we're auto advice givers. And this is, it's a simple change, maybe not easy. Before you tell anybody, even your kids, what you think. You're going to ask them what they think they should do. And then you're going to stop talking. So you have a little kid who comes home from school.
I had a fight with Bobby today at school. You're not going to be like, in this family, we don't fight or whatever it is you could say as a parent, you're going to go to the principal. You're not saying anything. You're going to say, okay, tell me what happened. Then they tell you what happened. Okay. I want to know, what do you think? How should you handle the situation?
Hmm.
And just stop, because listen, parenting is what? Teaching kids deductive reasoning, critical thinking, consequences for actions, right? How are kids gonna develop these skills? if we're endlessly centering ourselves as like, I know the answer. Well, no shit. You're a grownup. How about I'm seven? Maybe, maybe I could learn those skills. You're not winning mom. You know what I mean?
Like what is winning is having your kids say, you know what? I think I should go in tomorrow and punch Bobby in the face. Now you go, now this tells you you're learning so much about your child. You're not going to condone or encourage them to do that. Well, why do you think that's the right thing to do? What do you think then would happen?
Let's learn expansive questioning, allowing people to talk. Glennon, you said you don't like it when someone's like, blah, blah, blah, just do this. What if they said, is there more you want to say about that? Then what happened? Then how did you feel? All right, so what do you think? I mean, is that not love pouring on you? Give someone the floor, kids, partners, whoever, and let them.
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