Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller is questioning how to handle her boyfriend's contentious search history. Our second caller is figuring out how to deal with her monster-in-law. And, our third caller’s former best friend is waging campaigns to smear her name “Sometimes you just have to say goodbye…" Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on this podcast please email: [email protected] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep - Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 25% off sitewide. SKIMS - Check out SKIMS best intimates including the Fits Everybody Collection and more at https://www.skims.com/viall #skimspartner BetterHelp - Your well-being is worth it. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. OUAI - The OUAI to a healthy scalp starts here. Go to https://theouai.com and use code VIALL for 15% off any product Upwork - Visit https://upwork.com right now and post your job for free and connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. Sundays For Dogs - Get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to https://sundaysfordogs.com/viall or use code Viall at checkout. Shopify - Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Alo Yoga uses. Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://shopify.com/viall Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (02:29) - Caller One (29:15) - Caller Two (01:00:33) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: What are the main topics discussed in this episode?
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Chapter 2: How should I approach my boyfriend's concerning search history?
Hi, my name is Lily and I'm 24 years old.
How can I help, Lily?
I am just wondering how to handle my boyfriend's possible porn addiction.
Okay, when you say possible, what do you mean by possible? And I guess when you say handle, what do you mean by handle? Like...
Yes. So possible just because I don't know what a porn addiction looks like. I don't know. I'm not, you know, a therapist. It's not a confirmed porn addiction.
OK, well, neither am I. And I don't know necessarily what one looks like. But to your knowledge, how much porn is your boyfriend consuming?
To my knowledge, I snooped a little on his computer. It was an accidental happen-upon situation, and then I snooped a little bit deeper into his history. I think I looked at maybe the previous 10 days of his history, and I think... out of the 10, nine days he watched porn. And it was kind of the amount that was concerning. So I would say there was like 20 to 50 links or videos on each day.
Gotcha. I don't know. And that's all you know, though?
Yeah, that's all I know. I did. We have spoken about it. So there's a little more story than I wrote in.
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Chapter 3: How can I manage a difficult relationship with my mother-in-law?
So right now we're not speaking. I've only seen her twice since Christmas Eve. And I guess my thing is like I've just come to terms with like she's not going to change. But I don't know what to do in the future. Like when my kids want to go over there because right now it's cold outside. So like when it warms up and they're in the backyard, my daughter will say, I want to go over to Nana's.
So I'm expecting that to happen, but I'm not really sure like how to move forward. I actually reached out to her on the 26th. So the day after Christmas, I sent her a message. And said, we need to sit down and talk. Didn't receive a response. Sent another one the following day. Also didn't receive a response. And then about a week or so went by.
And I received this huge message from her saying that I'm manipulative. I'm a selfish person. Is that exactly what it said? And she said not to respond.
Oh.
Yeah, I can read the messages.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, so on December 26th, I sent her, Hello, at some point we need to talk to work out our differences because we will be in each other's lives and the kids' lives. However, in the meantime, I don't think it's right to take your anger out from me on the children. They're just kids, and they have nothing to do with the drama. When my daughter tried to hug you at Christmas, you ignored her.
Then you gave, I don't want to say their names, my three nieces the same dresses and not my daughter. I don't mind if you have a problem with me, but please don't do things to hurt my kids because you're mad at me. It's not right, and it's not fair to them, and it only furthers the idea that you favor me. My niece is over my daughter. Let us know when you're available.
And then I messaged her again the next day. Hello again. We need to schedule some time to sit down and have a conversation about this situation in the past when we have arguments that never gets resolved and we move on and act like nothing happened. That is not healthy and it just adds more resentment. Okay, so this is the next day, December 27th. Says, hello again.
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Chapter 4: How does Nick advise handling family conflicts?
Have you talked to your husband about this?
Yeah. I mean, he's getting better. He's gone. pretty often with his job. So a lot of it falls on me already. So, but he knows that.
How does he feel about you and you and his mom not talking?
He hasn't been talking to them either. I've seen her twice since Christmas. I saw her at a baby shower for a second and then saw her outside briefly, but that's when it's going to get sticky during the summer.
She's literally your neighbor.
Yeah. Yeah. We live next door. If I could move, I would move. but we can't afford to move, but it's going to get sticky during the summer because my kids will be in the backyard every day and they will see their grandparents over there with other kids. And I know my daughter's going to say, Hey, can we go to Nana's? And I don't want to say no, because she knows nothing about this.
She's completely innocent to it.
Well, yeah. Why couldn't you let her go to Nana's? I mean, especially if her cousins are there.
I guess I just don't like I would have to go with her. I don't trust her to walk like when the kids are over there. She really doesn't help out with them. And from what I've seen when she's watching other kids there, she just puts them in front of the screen and then doesn't monitor what they're doing. So I just don't trust her. So I'd have to go in with her.
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Chapter 5: What are some strategies for maintaining family relationships despite tensions?
You were like saying, this needs to happen. You know what I'm saying? You got to come in a little softer. How would you feel if your adversary told you what to do?
Yeah, that's a good point. I wouldn't react well.
Yeah, you know, but if your adversary came with a white flag and said, hey, is it possible if, you know, when you're ready, if we could sit down and resolve our differences? Because all I really want, all I want to say is I really want us to get on a healthier civil page and leave everything else off the table. You know, how can we get there?
Ask her questions rather than make statements or accusations. Again, and then she might say some stuff, but you're gonna have to do your best, again, to not have her trigger you. Because again, old dog, new tricks. You're gonna have to be the more patient one, probably. This is a woman who wants to feel very much like you invaded her family, not the other way around. She wants your respect.
I'm not saying you need to give it to her. I'm just trying to frame her point of view as well as I think it, as well as I can, or what I believe it to be, you know? And that you can do with what you want, right?
But I think to get through this woman is trying to make her believe that you respect her a little bit more than you've shown and to not tell her what she needs to do differently, but like to state a common goal. And I think if you do that, maybe there's some hope.
Yeah, that makes sense.
And then when it comes to the caregiving and her following the rules, I don't know, you're going to have to pick your battles and find the things that you can tolerate and not tolerate. You know, if your kids really are a mess the next day because they slept over at grandma's house, then maybe don't have them do that. Or, you know, I don't know.
That's why you had sleepovers, whether it was with your friends at your grandma's house because you stayed up all night, you watch movies you shouldn't watch, you eat food you didn't want to eat. I don't know. That's part of being a kid.
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