Lily
Appearances
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Correct, yeah. They're going to therapy, working on each other, trying to figure this thing out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Uh, definitely. Yeah. So with his mom and his siblings. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least. It's definitely been chaotic and it's kind of, you're seeing this train wreck, but you can't really control any part of it. So you're just kind of sitting there and be like, well, okay, I guess that's happening now. That's a choice. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yes, I'm here. How you doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I think that relationship is really good. I think mainly because my mom was very repentant immediately afterward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I think that's kind of going back to where James' dad is more so doesn't see where he went wrong. He doesn't see what, where the sin was. And his only regret is that he could have done it better. What? Correct. So that's the hard part where we deal with resentment because it's how can we move on from something that you don't see is wrong in the first place.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah, we've talked about it, but we also, I mean, sometimes there's, you know, like periods of time where maybe he's a little more sexual just depending on the moment.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yes. Yes. I don't know if I could have said sorry more. I did apologize. I was like, I know that was very wrong. I don't ever plan on doing that again. And I am very sorry. That was an invasion of privacy. When we spoke on the phone, I apologized a few times about it.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yes, I did. I did. I think I said, like, I did not mean to, you know, make you feel judged at all. I was just, you know, it was on my brain and I felt like I needed to talk to you about it or it wasn't going to go away.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
He was just fine about it. I don't I feel like our conversation escalated into a much larger issue than the porn. Like it got derailed into something different where he got, you know, very defensive, I would say, just because I think he was feeling embarrassed and maybe like I was judging him.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I think that over the course of our relationship, that is something that I've noticed a few times when we have an issue. This was probably just the biggest time that that happened.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah, it would show in other areas, I'm sure.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Okay. See, that's the tough thing is I just, being a woman, I'm like, I have no idea how often these men are watching porn. So it makes me feel better hearing that that's probably common.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah, and he's not just on the computer for hours at a time.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Not, I mean, we're kind of new, so not to like a crazy extent.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
We've been dating for like six months, so not super new, but still learning about each other's, you know, sexual appetite.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Okay. And I think we are, you know, very open and comfortable with each other and with, you know, sexual conversation. So I don't think it'll be too difficult to do that.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I appreciate your opinion. Yes, it was helpful because I mean, yeah, you just never know. So it's good to hear from a male perspective, especially because, you know, us women aren't sure.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I'm not a snooper. I don't ever want to snoop again.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
All right. Well, yeah, that was helpful and I appreciate your advice.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Hi, my name is Lily and I'm 24 years old.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I am just wondering how to handle my boyfriend's possible porn addiction.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yes. So possible just because I don't know what a porn addiction looks like. I don't know. I'm not, you know, a therapist. It's not a confirmed porn addiction.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
To my knowledge, I snooped a little on his computer. It was an accidental happen-upon situation, and then I snooped a little bit deeper into his history. I think I looked at maybe the previous 10 days of his history, and I think... out of the 10, nine days he watched porn. And it was kind of the amount that was concerning. So I would say there was like 20 to 50 links or videos on each day.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah, that's all I know. I did. We have spoken about it. So there's a little more story than I wrote in.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah, yeah, I did. And I will say confront loosely. I don't think I did a very good job at like bringing it up. I think I could have done better.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I brought it up in kind of like a lighthearted context. So I think it was a couple days after I stumbled across this. I just was kind of joking around with him and I told him that he needs to start clearing his laptop history. Okay. And so he obviously knew what I meant by that. And we kind of just like joked about it and that I wasn't going to plan on bringing it up further.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
But I kind of sat with it and I was like, no, that's concerning. I will bring this up further. And so I actually texted him and I have the text if you want.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah. So I just asked him, I just said, can I ask a follow up question about our porn conversation that is just on my brain now? And he said, sure. And I just said, you mentioned the other day that you used to have a porn problem. I'm just wondering if that's still a thing.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Cause he had mentioned to me that when he was like a teenager, he had like a porn addiction, at least his mom classified it as a porn addiction. So I'm, I didn't dive too deep into that. I'm assuming that he was watching it like every day and had a problem.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Well, yeah, it kind of escalated to a different level that I wasn't expecting because I think he was very upset that I... um, like went through his history. So I think that it kind of escalated in a way that I just kind of made me look at him different, which is kind of what I want to end your opinion on. He ended up saying, um, I do watch porn. I don't think I'm problematic.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I just don't clear my history. And I was like, you know what? Fair enough. I do too here and there. The frequency was slightly alarming, but I don't know what's normal. So, you know, that's that. And he said, I guess I don't either. And that was the end of the conversation.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And then he ended up messaging me later and just saying, like, did you go through the search bar or did you go through my history? And I said, like, yes, I'm sorry. I do feel weird about that. Like, you know, invasion of privacy, whatever. And then he said he feels very uncomfortable and that he was super upset and he needed a while to take a step back from it before speaking with me.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So he took a little time. I mean, he messaged me like that night and he sent me like a long paragraph just saying how this is where it escalates, how he has felt disrespected and disregarded by many things I've done in our relationship. And this is just one of them. And that's kind of where it turned into like something bigger. Okay.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah, well, I ended up, we texted a little bit. I said, if there's things you notice about me that are bothering you, I have no way of knowing unless you talk to me about it. And we ended up speaking on the phone. And he just had really nothing to say. I feel like he just kind of wanted to make me feel bad for snooping. And he was embarrassed. So he wanted to put it back on me. Maybe, yeah.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And I feel like he does that in a lot of our arguments.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
To my knowledge, he used the words, I used to have a porn addiction, verbatim. I don't know what he meant by that. I didn't ask, you know, a lot of questions. He was like a teenager. I feel like a lot of teenage boys probably watch a lot of porn. And so I was like, that seems, you know, kind of normal. But addiction is, you know, obviously a little bit further.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
It's good. I do feel like I have been the more sexual one in our relationship, which is also another point of the conversation is I didn't realize my boyfriend was that sexual because he just isn't as sexual with me.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah. Well, and that's why I was, like, concerned about the porn is because I'm like, I didn't know that you were feeling sexy every day. Like, this is news to me. Well...
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Well, and that was my concern, too, is because I don't care if my partner watches porn. I do. I don't care if my partner masturbates. I do. Those are not concerns of mine. It was more so like just what I saw would make it seem like he was sitting there for like two hours a day watching porn.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
No, I didn't click on anything. There was no time stamps and I didn't want to like investigate further. I was just so many links every day, which maybe he's like bopping around.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah. Which is fine. I feel like that's not even a bad thing. You know, it could be considered healthy. So that doesn't bother me.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Probably like three times a week, I would say on like average. Okay. Which is pretty good. I mean, we don't live together, so I feel like it's... It's pretty good. Normal.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Um, we're doing well. I mean, this was like a month ago and I don't know, we're just doing well. I feel like we're like growing together and we're happy together and our sex life is good. Even though I am the more sexual person, it doesn't, you know, make it too difficult.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I just think that I would like to have sex every time I see him. If I could, that would be like my preferred. He is more like, I just want to chill sometimes, which is fine.