Caitlin
Appearances
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Hi, I'm Caitlin. I'm 29 years old, and I wanted to ask you how to deal with my monster-in-law that lives next door.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So to give some background, me and my husband have been together since we were in high school. So we're high school sweethearts. I've known her for a long time. She's always been kind of difficult to deal with, and things kind of blew up over the holidays. It was December 23rd. Me and her had an argument. There was a lot of family in town.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And he had family that moved here last year from a different country that was staying with my in-laws. And we just didn't like the treatment of them. Obviously... with them living next door, we were kind of picking up a lot of the slack and kind of helping them. We were driving them around and stuff like that to different appointments, just helping his cousins out that had just moved here.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And things got messy in their home quick at my in-laws house with these new cousins. And so that's how the argument on the 23rd started was about the treatment of these cousins. And there's been several things, but it ended up being my mother-in-law at one point said something like, well, I'm not taking advice from someone that doesn't even come over here. And so that's when I blew up.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yes. So they moved here from a different country and they were living with my in-laws.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So the rules that they were setting on them, I mean, it gets messy quick when you live with people But like they couldn't park in the driveway and they have a four car driveway. So my mother-in-law and father-in-law were purposely parking back to back so that his cousins couldn't park there.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And so it kind of caused an issue with like them parking in front of our mailbox because they couldn't park in the driveway. And I had no fault to like them because they're really good people. But it was causing issues with us and my in-laws.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
why how is that causing issues just the treatment of them it's like we had to pick up the slack so they didn't have a car so we were driving them around to appointments so that's what the argument started about but then it turned into more of the treatment of myself and my kids and i feel like our kids get treated different than some of the other grandkids.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So that's where it, that's the direction that it went in after she said that I don't come over to her home. And then it was kind of like, well, these are the reasons why I don't come over. And so it went off in that direction.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I mean, the treatment towards me has been since I've known her. And it's not just me. It's a lot of people in the family.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
That's just how she is, my mother-in-law. But that's been going on since I've known her. And I kind of just swept it under the rug. I would complain to my husband about it and never say anything to her about it. So she didn't know I felt this way about her. And then I noticed... that she was taking some of the other grandkids out more, buying them all these toys.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
There was like different rules in her home for different grandkids. And so I noticed the treatment of not just my kids, but all the other grandkids, except for these two other grandkids.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So right now we're not speaking. I've only seen her twice since Christmas Eve. And I guess my thing is like I've just come to terms with like she's not going to change. But I don't know what to do in the future. Like when my kids want to go over there because right now it's cold outside. So like when it warms up and they're in the backyard, my daughter will say, I want to go over to Nana's.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So I'm expecting that to happen, but I'm not really sure like how to move forward. I actually reached out to her on the 26th. So the day after Christmas, I sent her a message. And said, we need to sit down and talk. Didn't receive a response. Sent another one the following day. Also didn't receive a response. And then about a week or so went by.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And I received this huge message from her saying that I'm manipulative. I'm a selfish person. Is that exactly what it said? And she said not to respond.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Okay, so on December 26th, I sent her, Hello, at some point we need to talk to work out our differences because we will be in each other's lives and the kids' lives. However, in the meantime, I don't think it's right to take your anger out from me on the children. They're just kids, and they have nothing to do with the drama. When my daughter tried to hug you at Christmas, you ignored her.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Then you gave, I don't want to say their names, my three nieces the same dresses and not my daughter. I don't mind if you have a problem with me, but please don't do things to hurt my kids because you're mad at me. It's not right, and it's not fair to them, and it only furthers the idea that you favor me. My niece is over my daughter. Let us know when you're available.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And then I messaged her again the next day. Hello again. We need to schedule some time to sit down and have a conversation about this situation in the past when we have arguments that never gets resolved and we move on and act like nothing happened. That is not healthy and it just adds more resentment. Okay, so this is the next day, December 27th. Says, hello again.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
We need to schedule some time to sit down and have a conversation about the situation. In the past when we have arguments, it never gets resolved and we move on and act like nothing happened. This is not healthy and just adds more resentment. Over the years, you have treated me poorly and I let it go and did not express my feelings. Now that it involves my children, I cannot let it continue.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
If you're going to ignore the situation and we are not going to talk about it, then for my mental health, I have to move on. I cry every weekend because of the treatment you have towards me and my kids. I cannot be the best mom to them if I'm upset. I want you and my kids to have a good relationship. I want you and your son to have a good relationship. I want to have a good relationship with you.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
That's why I'm trying to fix this and work these issues out. I want to know what I've done to you. I'm always nice to you. I always hold things in instead of saying them to you. If it can't be a healthy relationship, then it is easier to end it. Then allow my kids to be treated like that going forward. It is not right for my daughter to ask me why you're not there.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I have to lie to her and tell her you are working. She's old enough to notice those things. These are not just one incident. This has been going on for years. There are several incidents. I think you have trauma that you've never dealt with, and I feel bad for that. I know people who are hurting on the inside hurt others. I want to work this out. When are you available to talk?
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So that was one thing I brought up on Christmas Eve, which had nothing to do. I was so heated in the moment. And I was like, you guys have never helped us. When he lost his job two years ago, like we had to get mortgage assistance and stuff. And the only person that helped was my dad. And there was a time when before we even had kids that they offered to pay our mortgage as like a gift.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And that was years ago. So that had nothing to do with what I had brought up, but she brought it up to counter that. So that's what she's talking about. There was a lot of things said that I shouldn't have said, had nothing to do with the argument, but I just got so mad that I brought up several things.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
So I think I missed some of the context with the argument and like to begin with. So I came upstairs. I'm notorious for watching the kids at the party. I sit there and watch my own kids. So I end up watching everyone's kids. I come upstairs and my husband and mother-in-law are already in this conversation. And then he brings me into it and says, Hey, Caitlin, what's your opinion?
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And that's how it kind of got started. And then I was like, well, you guys invited them here, you know, And she like immediately cut me off after that. And that's when she's like, no. Gotcha.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
They're not old enough yet. Okay. Our kids are, my daughter's almost five and our son's two.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Going forward, if she does anything else. I guess I don't know how to react. Like if I see that something's happening that I don't like, that involves my kids.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Some of it, yes. There's some things that like she, if she has watched them, which we don't let her watch them much anymore or at all.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
if she watches them like she completely doesn't follow our rules doesn't put them down for nap doesn't put them to bedtime when we ask her to has given them stuff they're not supposed to have yeah so don't let her watch them so things like that yeah that's simple yeah you know and like obviously she might not be okay with that but you can say like listen like you know and where does your husband come into this play like does he get involved does he let you two
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
But I think I do more of the caregiving, so I'm the one that's going to deal with them when they're cranky the next morning.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah. I mean, he's getting better. He's gone. pretty often with his job. So a lot of it falls on me already. So, but he knows that.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
He hasn't been talking to them either. I've seen her twice since Christmas. I saw her at a baby shower for a second and then saw her outside briefly, but that's when it's going to get sticky during the summer.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah. Yeah. We live next door. If I could move, I would move. but we can't afford to move, but it's going to get sticky during the summer because my kids will be in the backyard every day and they will see their grandparents over there with other kids. And I know my daughter's going to say, Hey, can we go to Nana's? And I don't want to say no, because she knows nothing about this.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
I guess I just don't like I would have to go with her. I don't trust her to walk like when the kids are over there. She really doesn't help out with them. And from what I've seen when she's watching other kids there, she just puts them in front of the screen and then doesn't monitor what they're doing. So I just don't trust her. So I'd have to go in with her.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
And then I just feel like that's going to be awkward with what's going on.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
A lot of what I do, I work with kids in foster care. So I deal with a lot of people that have trauma.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah, that's a good point. I wouldn't react well.
The Viall Files
E901 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Search History
Yeah. I didn't think about it that way.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: Don't Get in the Fridge, with Jesse Eisenberg
This is true. I was closer than Carl. You were closer than Carl. And we know someone who guessed three. Yeah. I was much closer than her.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: Don't Get in the Fridge, with Jesse Eisenberg
Yeah. I think we were all a little low except you. Except me. In my perfection.