Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller is wondering if she should break up with her boyfriend who only wants to have sex on weekends. Our second caller is a lifelong vegetarian and is debating giving that up for a man. And, our third callers are a couple who don’t want to hang out with their friend anymore. “I wouldn’t start with a porterhouse steak…" Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to asknick@theviallfiles.com to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to asknick@theviallfiles.com with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on this podcast please email: ad-sales@libsyn.com or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Build your support system, with BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Hero Bread - Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to https://hero.co and use code VIALL at checkout. Helix Sleep - For their March Madness sale, Helix is exclusively offering our listeners the best offer available! Better than what you’ll find on their website! Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall Helix is offering 25% off sitewide. Fabric - Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Start investing in your child today at https://meetfabric.com/viall Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:13) - Caller One (48:36) - Caller Two (01:21:18) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: Should I break up with my boyfriend over our sexual incompatibility?
Good. My name is Casey. I'm 29, and my question is, should I break up with my boyfriend because he only wants to have sex on the weekends?
Okay. Is that like a hard and fast rule, or is that like something that it's just kind of organically started happening?
I mean, we've been dating for five years and there's gone like on and off fluctuations of the relationship and our sex life. But he's very like, I guess I wouldn't say it's a rule, but he's made it known that he's disinterested in sex on weekdays.
Okay. And how serious are you considering breaking up with him over this?
Well, I guess there's been a development since I wrote in and we kind of did have a discussion where it's basically been ended, but it's kind of also not been ended at the same time because we're still living together. So I guess kind of part two of my question was, am I making the right decision? And my plan is to move across the country back home with my family.
Okay. So you guys are, as far as you know, kind of broken up. You live together, but you guys, at a minimum, acknowledge that there's a problem for you and he didn't do enough to fight for the relationship, basically.
Correct. I was kind of like sitting with these feelings and then we ended up getting into a huge argument a few weeks back. And I ended up like in that same argument, sharing my feelings about this concern as well as several other concerns that I have had in the relationship and decided to come to an end, but not immediately because I'll be still be staying for a while longer. in the home.
It's his house. And we weren't breaking up because of immediate reasons. A lot of it included... There's a lot of other things like wanting a family in my future, etc. He doesn't? No.
He's...
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Chapter 2: Can a long-term relationship survive without intimacy?
So would you say, I mean, all jokes aside, I mean, like how how much of this breakup is centered around a lack of sex versus a myriad of other things? Like, for example, you want to have a family someday. And according to him, it's a non-negotiable that he doesn't.
The sex life is a big thing. It's sex life plus intimacy. Why I say that is because I think if things were better on that front and I was being more fulfilled in that aspect in our relationship, I'd be willing to compromise on some things. My brother and sister-in-law, they just had their first baby and she's turning one soon. So my big thing is I'm not going to get to be a part of
that life because I live on the opposite side of the country. And then I'm also not going to get to be a mom. So when I'm not feeling fulfilled in that aspect of my life, sexually and in our relationship and different things like that, it feels more like a big thing to me to be missing out on those other things. Whereas if it was great, maybe I'd be more willing to compromise.
I mean, that makes sense.
What else is going on in your relationship that's making you consider leaving?
Well, I mean, the big thing is intimacy. Basically, we don't ever really kiss or cuddle or like anything like that. Sex life can be like I was talking about, pretty vanilla. It's not a lot of like spontaneity. Really, only the times sex happens for us is like two o'clock in the morning when he's drunk and I'm not into it. Because it's not really romantic to me.
Gotcha. All right. So it sounds like sex is very much on his terms. And those terms are, like you said, are often at a time where you're not interested. And then you mentioned intimacy, kissing, holding hands, touching, things like that. I mean, I think every guy on some level, there's room for improvement when it comes to those types of little things.
But I guess my question to you is, is he the type of partner that occasionally needs to be reminded, but when he is reminded, acknowledges that he can do better or that's something that's important in the relationship? Or is he scoffing and blowing you off or making you feel like a nag or stupid for even bringing it up and asking? Which is more reflective of him?
He definitely says in conversation, like when we're having this normal conversation, it's something that he can do. He doesn't know why he doesn't give it to me. And it's a simple and easy thing to ask for.
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Chapter 3: Is wanting kids a dealbreaker in a relationship?
He's just rinse and repeat, breaks up with that one, finds a new younger girlfriend, dates them for a while, enjoys the, I'm guessing the honeymoon phase of dating someone younger because like he gets his way a lot. They're very in awe of him. He feels important. He feels validated, you know, et cetera, et cetera. They find their voice. They speak up. He's just like, I'm an old dog.
No new tricks for me. It's a cycle that keeps repeating. The only thing that's different about your relationship is that you seem to be willing to address this head on without, you know, stepping outside the relationship before you do so.
Yeah. I mean, that's just always been a non-negotiable for me that like, if I'm ever getting to the point where I feel like stepping down or having feelings for somebody else, I'm always, I'll break up. Sure. I got to break up. I never want to do that, but, um, so let me ask you this on the head with like, with the dynamic of our relationship from start to now.
and his perspective on being cheated on in the past. So that's exactly right.
You know, obviously you called in with the question of, am I making the right choice? Let me ask you this. Like if he were here, right? Like what's his version? What's his version of the story? Like, what would he say to me? Do you think that would change your mind or, or at least help me or the audience empathize with his plight more? What do you, what do you think that would be?
I don't know. It'll help people empathize with him, but I think it's, Honestly, genuinely, genuinely what he thinks is like that I haven't given him enough of a chance to kind of change things. And he knows these are all things that he's super capable of and that he can, he can and will do anything to make the relationship work and like whatever it takes, he'll make the relationship work.
But what is he, so then what is he doing?
I mean, we went through this phase. We almost broke up basically over the summer and he said all these things. And I mean, things were good for a while, but it ended up being like, I think I'm realizing the reason it ends up being good is because I'm the one that starts to fully invest back in the relationship again.
And then after a few months, I started to pull back again because I'm like, wait, is he really trying? It doesn't seem like he's trying that much. So I don't know if I could say it. Like, he'll be a little bit better for a few weeks about complimenting me or walking our dog or just trying to do something to make me happy. But then after that, it feels like it kind of goes dry again.
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Chapter 4: How important is dietary compatibility in a relationship?
I just like, I really struggled because I've gone through this before. Like I had an apartment ready to go and I had talked to my job and I was ready to leave. And then I ended up staying and listening because he said he was going to, you know, change and fix everything. And then here I am again in this phase where like, okay, it all feels real again and I'm making plans to move and leave.
And then of course, I mean, I know this is so common, but like all I can think about is all the good things and all the, like he's being a very gracious host. So we're having all these really great times together and,
laughing and joking and being more intimate because that's what happens when you think you're about to lose somebody and it's really hard to fight those feelings and be like remembering all the reasons that you want to leave right now and i'm like no that's what he's banking on for sure the right decision well all the other stuff aside his rude comments the limited sex the lack of intimacy the fact that he makes you feel like a nag all that aside
The fact that you want to be a mom and he absolutely doesn't, it's all you need. I mean, you should assume he's not going to change. I don't think anyone should be in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want to have kids and then tries to convince themselves if they're okay with not having kids for the sake of a relationship.
Think of all the things he's not willing to do for you, the little things.
Yeah.
And he is indirectly asking you to give up on the miracle of being a mom. That's a huge ask.
Yeah. Well, he's like, he said, that's a pretty crappy reason to end a relationship. I mean, I know it's a big reason, but I think it's a pretty crappy one.
Cause like nothing else went wrong, but that I'm like, he hasn't matured at a, at a rate he should have at this point in his life. That's an insane thing for him to say. And if anything, what that says is that you're describing a person who is very much can't think outside of himself. He's very self-centered. He's very selfish.
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Chapter 5: Should I change my lifestyle for a partner?
What advice would you have in helping me, I guess, like stand my ground in my head? And the mom thing is strong, but it's a new feeling. So I'm kind of like, well, what if it waivers? It's only been around for a couple of months. So like, that's why that is hard being a deciding factor to me.
Like, so do you have any advice on, I want to make sure that I don't end up staying for another year and then I'm back here in the same place that I am now.
We like back together with him.
Yeah.
And then let's, let's assume that happened.
I mean, we've gone through the cycle where it's like almost ended and then stay together.
I don't want this for you and you don't want this for yourself, but let's just play that. You know, if, if you broke up with them and you moved back home, he didn't move on. He didn't forget about you. You didn't move on. You didn't forget about him. You guys reconnected in six months, nine months. You're back. You move back together with him.
And literally in a year from now, you are back together again. with it being kind of essentially the same. That would be a choice that you make, for one. No one's going to make you do that, right? So if you do do that, you're choosing to do that, and that's something you need to recognize, too. That's not the worst case scenario.
At least at that point, you were able to go home, enjoy your niece or nephew, spend time with family, probably date other people, get a sense of what else is out there, explore your feelings about children, If you decide a year from now that you don't want to have kids and he's willing to get back together with you, then what did you lose? Nothing. You know what I'm saying? You gained perspective.
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Chapter 6: What should I consider before changing my vegetarian lifestyle?
And in some cases they really become as much of a support system for you as they were for your partner, it makes your life harder. It makes it easier for him to get back in.
He does this every time we almost break up. He always guilts me and says, this is what happens. I'm never going to be able to talk to you again. Everybody says that they'll stay friends, but they never stay friends. And I have no problem just being a friend if a relationship ends and I just know you're never going to talk to me again.
Yeah, it's a little manipulative, but also your boyfriend's giving a little bit of boy, right? Like, and here's the thing, when you break up with someone, you should break up with them. And like, I'm assuming that if I were a genie, I could tell the future. If I was like Casey, I hate to break it to you. You'll never find love outside of this relationship. This is it for you.
You would probably stay in the relationship. You'd be like, oh, that sucks. I mean, that's not perfect, but like, I guess he's good enough. You know, like if you're going to break up with someone, you should assume because it's Almost certainly true that you will find someone else.
I don't know when that will be, but the only reason you are considering breaking off this relationship is because you think you can do better, that you deserve better, that you deserve a relationship and a partner who is going to make it feel like they enjoy making you feel happy. They look forward to making you feel happy.
Yes, they need to be reminded from time to time about what they can and should do, But like they appreciate the reminders and ultimately they wake up excited every day, thankful that you are in their life and glad they have an opportunity to show you that love. Right. Because you do. Everyone deserves that. And if you're going to leave this relationship, it's in pursuit of finding that. Right.
And you will find it someday. And so with that in mind, you need to do that immediately. And you need to live your life as if you're moving on and pursuing that next life and that next love. And you don't know who that's going to be with or who it is, but you're going to start today if you were to end the relationship. That's the mentality you need to have.
The only reason people stay friends and breakups is because they're They're second guessing their decision. Or in his case, if he's being broken up with, he's hoping for a lifeline, right? It's not because they're actual friends, right? Either you're going to find someone new or he's going to find someone new and both of your partners are going to be like, no, no.
I'm not comfortable with you being friends with your ex of five years. What are you guys friends for? You're just simply friends because you haven't replaced them with someone else. But here I am in your life now wanting to be your boyfriend. And I'm really uncomfortable with Chad being your buddy when he was your boyfriend for five years. You know what I'm saying?
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