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The Commercial Break

12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!

Sat, 21 Dec 2024

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Episode #662: Donate to St. Jude, The National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, the ASPCA and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Megan and Harry A polo docuseries When your family doesn’t like your SO Parental Control, from MTV This is definitely not scripted A set up Watching your girlfriend go on a date with another guy Thirsty thirsty family Bryan’s Escape! OTS ankle massage Who does she choose! Text us or leave us a voicemail: +1 (212) 433-3TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Audio
Transcription

00:00 - 00:20 Ad Narrator

Instacart's Deal Week is coming up from December 17th to December 23rd. That means you can get up to 25% off holiday gifts for the whole family from stores like Best Buy, Bath & Body Works, PetSmart, and more. And you can get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Just think of it as Instacart's little gift to you. And while we're on the subject... Why not get a little something for yourself, too?

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00:21 - 00:29 Ad Narrator

Shop Deal Week from December 17th to 23rd and save up to 25% on gifts. Discounts vary. Minimum spend, maximum discount, and exclusions apply.

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00:29 - 00:34 Unknown Voice

When you feel a cold coming, shorten it with Zycam, the number one cold-shortening brand.

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00:35 - 00:37 Unknown Voice

Oh, no, not before the holidays.

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00:37 - 00:39 Unknown Voice

Your cold is coming. Your cold is coming.

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00:40 - 00:43 Unknown Voice

Thanks, Revere. I really should keep Zycam in the house.

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00:43 - 00:45 Unknown Voice

Getting a cold is on no one's wish list.

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00:46 - 01:02 Ad Narrator

Take it from America's most revered messenger. Shorten your cold at the first sign with cold shortening products from Zycam, the number one cold shortening brand. Available in stores or see where to buy at Zycam.com. Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian.

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01:02 - 01:19 Bryan Green

Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.

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01:20 - 01:28 Bryan Green

As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.

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01:30 - 01:31 Unknown Voice

you a Merry Christmas.

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01:32 - 01:38 Ad Narrator

Oh, well, you know I know that one. Isn't it enough to host a party and now you're making me sing too?

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01:40 - 01:42 Bryan Green

All right, we wish you a Merry Christmas it is. All right.

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01:46 - 01:48 Unknown Voice

Yes.

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01:48 - 01:55 Unknown Voice

All right. Tell me when. Sing now. Santa Claus and Jesus are coming over now.

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02:00 - 02:05 Krissy Hoadley

The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Ding dong.

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02:05 - 02:06 Krissy Hoadley

Happy birthday, Jesus.

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02:07 - 02:17 Bryan Green

Oh, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the mistletoe to my camel toe, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.

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02:17 - 02:17 Krissy Hoadley

Best to you, Brian.

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02:18 - 02:41 Bryan Green

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we go. We're doing it. We're rolling through the 12 days, the 13 days, or the 20 days of TCB, depending on how you count it. Don't worry. We'll get our maths right in 2025. Megan and Harry making quite the, having quite the kerfuffle over there at Netflix. Are they? So, I have never really been into the royals.

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02:42 - 02:49 Bryan Green

I think we talked about this when the queen died and then, you know, we have to be careful. We have a... We have one of those in the building.

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02:49 - 02:53 Krissy Hoadley

I'm not a royalist. She's a royalist. Don't let her bullshit you. No, I'm kidding.

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02:53 - 03:14 Bryan Green

Your parents are, though. Yeah. So, Meghan and Harry have broken away from the royals. Okay. Yeah, of course. And they came over here to the United States, I think in the hopes and the wishes, probably the expectation that they would take over America, that they would be the king and queen of the United States of America, at least in a pop culture sense, right? Yeah.

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03:15 - 03:34 Bryan Green

Because, you know, Meghan had already been famous here in the United States. And then, you know, everybody loves Harry after his jaunt in Las Vegas with his penis hanging out. You know, everyone was really excited. You remember that? Remember when he was showing his penis in Las Vegas? Good for Harry. Don't stop Harry from having a good time. You can't fault Harry.

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03:34 - 03:50 Bryan Green

Being a royal has got to suck in a lot of ways. I mean, it's got to be awesome in a lot of ways, but it's got to suck in a lot of ways. So they break away from the Royals. They make the announcement. They come over to California to embed with all the other rich people, Kanye and Kim and all those other people. And then Netflix comes a calling, as you know that they would.

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03:50 - 04:10 Bryan Green

It was either going to be a podcast on Amazon Studios or it was going to be Netflix. And Netflix, being the king of the... streaming world, so to speak, said, here's $100 million. Go out there and make us some fresh content. And Meghan and Harry promised to deliver. And what they delivered was a hot steaming... They walked in the room. They walked in the Netflix executive boardroom.

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04:10 - 04:22 Bryan Green

They stood on the table and they delivered a hot steaming pile of turd. Because besides that very first reality show that they had, that really, let's be honest about it, while it revealed some stuff about the royals... Was it a reality show?

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04:22 - 04:24 Krissy Hoadley

I think it was... I think a documentary, whatever.

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04:25 - 04:49 Bryan Green

While it was... Interesting in some respects. It wasn't their story. Yeah, it wasn't that interesting. I mean, let's be honest about it. And since then, they have done almost nothing of note. And now to cap their story. Time at Netflix, the hundred million dollars, one hundred million dollars that they received to create these like four shitty television shows.

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04:50 - 05:00 Bryan Green

They have produced a I guess a 10 part miniseries on Polo, a docuseries on Polo.

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05:00 - 05:01 Krissy Hoadley

Oh, is that the polo thing?

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05:01 - 05:17 Bryan Green

Yes. I actually wanted to watch that. Bringing polo to the masses. Because, you know, when you have to buy horses, stables, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of veterinary care, and you have to have four horses just to play one match of polo. Four horses.

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05:17 - 05:17 Krissy Hoadley

You have four?

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05:18 - 05:41 Bryan Green

Yes. And they're six-minute little intervals. I don't know what they call them. Hex or cues or quads. Jaunts. Jaunts. Yeah, jaunt. Four different horses that you switch, like every three minutes you switch a horse and you rest one and then you go. I watched the first 15 minutes of this terrible, terrible documentary trying to make it look like polo is the everyman sport.

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05:42 - 06:12 Bryan Green

That people who play polo are really sports heroes. And that the people around them suffer because of the sport that they play. Sacrifice, toil, and trouble that comes with playing polo in Palm Beach, Florida. Fuck you! Megan and Harry, fuck you. I got to be real honest with you. This is the dumbest fucking idea that they could have possibly had. They make themselves look even more entitled.

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06:12 - 06:35 Bryan Green

They make themselves look even more out of touch. And they put themselves at a level that is unbelievably unattainable. No one can play polo because it's such a fucking expensive sport. Let's not even get into the treatment of the horses. You don't have enough time in your lifetime, in two of your regular lifetimes, to even have one year of polo.

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06:35 - 06:36 Krissy Hoadley

Two of my regulars.

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06:37 - 06:55 Bryan Green

Two of your regulars equal one day of Meghan and Harry. Because apparently Harry can twiddle off to fucking St. Croix and play a polo match while you and I are sitting here doing the 65,000 hours of TCB just so we can pay health insurance. It's fucking unbelievable. It really is.

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06:55 - 07:25 Bryan Green

It's the audacity to try and make polo seem like an everyman's sport, when what it really is, is like the egotistical, it's like the epitome of obnoxious, rich entitlement, in my opinion. And I watched however long I could digest of this, and all it shows is good-looking, white, rich men Doing nothing but riding their horses along all day. Riding their red rockets as they do.

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07:26 - 07:33 Bryan Green

Boys just mounting things as they do. Shirtless sometimes because let's make sure we get in the abs.

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07:33 - 07:38 Krissy Hoadley

Okay, I'm scratching that off the list then. Please. Going back to Queer Eye.

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07:38 - 08:01 Bryan Green

Yes, thank you. Let's get to something that's a little bit more realistic. Like, you know, gay guys dolling up straight guys for a hobby. Let me tell you something. If Netflix wants to spend $100 million, they can come here and drop $100 million right here, and I will work so fucking hard to give you the most mediocre content that's ever been produced on Netflix.

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08:02 - 08:21 Bryan Green

It won't be all that good, but it won't be terrible, I promise you. And it won't be about fucking horses and rich people. Meghan and Harry. That's all I got to say. Honestly, I was kind of rooting for Meghan and Harry at some point. I was like, okay, they're getting a bad rap. They're over here. They're just trying to make their way in the world.

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08:21 - 08:22 Krissy Hoadley

I was too.

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08:22 - 08:26 Bryan Green

But now that this polo thing has come out, I'm 100% against Meghan and Harry.

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08:26 - 08:27 Krissy Hoadley

Are they shown in it?

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08:29 - 08:56 Bryan Green

briefly okay briefly because you know they don't want to they didn't want it to be a documentary about harry just playing polo but this is such a steaming pile of turd and netflix knows it that there has been no promotional materials made no one has been out on podcasts uh abc nbc morning shows no one's talking about it there are no trailers running around you know other streaming platforms or however they do these things and there's no conversation to our

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08:56 - 09:19 Krissy Hoadley

no one's coming yes no one's i haven't seen harry at the commercial break yet or any of those other spoiled rich brats i mean honestly it's you watch 15 minutes of it well i saw a clip of it the other day you know how it just automatically plays when you hit on a show which can be kind of annoying yes but it just automatically played and i was like oh polo i don't know maybe i'll save it but maybe not

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09:20 - 09:25 Bryan Green

See if you can digest even 30 minutes of this particular show.

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09:25 - 09:26 Krissy Hoadley

Yeah, I'm not that interested.

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09:26 - 09:46 Bryan Green

It really got my goat. In a time when people are really suffering to make ends meet, and a lot of us are struggling with paying healthcare costs or for feeding our families or getting from point A to point B. Listen, we are blessed that we get to make a living doing what we're doing. Super blessed. And I'll never complain about it.

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09:47 - 10:15 Bryan Green

having this job I don't dig ditches for a living I'm not up on high rises you know doing rivets or do they still do rivets I'm not sure do they still do rivets okay whatever it is I'm doing I'm not complaining about doing this for a living what's rivets window washing rivets you know rivets you know the guys that we used to like the iron workers they would do rivets hot rivets they'd throw them to each other in buckets never mind this is a different story for a different day but we don't do rivets and so you know I feel blessed in that sense I really do

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10:16 - 10:39 Bryan Green

But to try and make polo approachable, like as if it was something that anybody, that 99.99% of human beings could even pretend to want to do. Listen, golf is bad enough. You really, you have to pay $150 every time. Do you hear that? I have horses running right outside my door. That is unbelievable how loud that is.

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10:40 - 10:53 Bryan Green

My daughter, one of my daughters is so loud, she walks like her dad does with her heels, and you can just hear it all through the entire house. To make polo try and seem approachable, and that people suffer because of the sport that they play.

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10:53 - 10:54 Krissy Hoadley

What was the suffering that was happening?

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10:54 - 11:10 Bryan Green

Oh, it's like in the beginning, you know how they say, coming up on this season of, you know, right? It's these wives of the polo players, and they're like... Everybody around him, you know, no one gets enough time from him. Everybody suffers because of polo. Everybody.

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11:10 - 11:11 Krissy Hoadley

Oh, God.

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11:11 - 11:25 Bryan Green

Meanwhile, suffering is not drinking, you know, lazy teenies in fucking, you know, Martinique every Thursday on your way to your private jet going to a polo match. That's not suffering.

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11:25 - 11:51 Bryan Green

suffering is uh being denied health care that's what suffering is and these people have no idea what suffering is because that's not the world that they live in i mean i listen i understand suffering is relative like stress is relative suffering is relative and if you work hard for your money i don't fault you for being a billionaire a millionaire do what you want to do with it but please don't try and pull the wool over our eyes and all of a sudden make it seem like polo is the thing everybody we should have been paying attention to polo all along

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11:52 - 11:52 Bryan Green

You know what I'm saying?

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11:53 - 11:55 Krissy Hoadley

Yeah, no, it's not relatable at all.

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11:55 - 12:13 Bryan Green

You look at the formula for a successful sports documentary, docupick, docudrama, whatever it is. Aaron Hernandez story. Aaron Hernandez came from nothing. Now, he did murder a bunch of people. I'm sorry about that. But he came from nothing, right? The guy comes from nothing. Father is abusive. No money in the home.

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12:14 - 12:40 Bryan Green

and he struggles all his life to be accepted, to figure out who he is, and he becomes one of the better football players. A lot of drama, a lot of strife. In there is brewing a good story for a docu-series or a docudrama or whatever it is. My 15th horse has a sprain, so I can't use him in my polo match today is not anything that I'm fucking concerned with.

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12:40 - 12:49 Bryan Green

It really isn't, except for the horse that has the strain, quote unquote, because we really know what's going on. That horse is in the glue factory, fuckers.

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12:50 - 13:13 Bryan Green

fuck you megan and harry fuck you you know who's gonna get mad about this marianne because she is a royalist oh she is she is a royal well actually maybe she's a royalist she won't really care about megan and harry well that's true she's a true royalist right that's true how do your parents feel about megan and harry they hate them of course they do of course i get it are they fans of charles

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13:14 - 13:18 Unknown Voice

I don't think they have any thoughts about Charles, really, but I'm not totally sure.

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13:18 - 13:20 Bryan Green

Does anybody have any thoughts about Charles?

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13:20 - 13:26 Unknown Voice

I think they have a general respect, and that's probably all they care about. It's just part of their culture.

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13:26 - 13:44 Bryan Green

It's part of their existence. It is what it is, and they're not really plussed either way. They don't really give a shit. Well, listen, I didn't really give a shit until I saw... The absolute shit show that was Polo on Netflix. I mean, $100 million. $100 million.

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13:46 - 13:49 Krissy Hoadley

They've had some other stuff that's gone belly up.

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13:49 - 14:02 Bryan Green

They've had a lot of stuff that's just kind of failed because, let's be honest about it, they're not all that good at making television. There was like this whole expose on the Daily Beast. I know, it's terrible.

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14:02 - 14:18 Bryan Green

There's this whole expose on the Daily Beast or something about this particular series and how the people at Netflix are so frustrated with Meghan and Harry, Meghan specifically, because they had come to Netflix and pitched that they were going to put together a television series called

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14:19 - 14:41 Bryan Green

docu-series that basically touched people's lives and you know did good work and bridged whatever and then they come to them with this like you know completed polo series and netflix is like what the fuck is that you know what the fuck is this why are we doing this and that's why they're burying it and now apparently what is left in the can is a cooking show by megan and

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14:41 - 15:06 Bryan Green

That has been sitting on the shelf for like nine months that no one wants to put out there for whatever reason. I don't know. I don't get into the specifics about Netflix. But I'm telling you right now, Netflix could drop a tenth of that, $10 million on us, and we would create some high entertainment. I'd basically just take a camera and watch my kids run up and down the – Oh, my God. Hey, guys.

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15:07 - 15:20 Bryan Green

Hey, we're trying to work it here. I'm trying not to become the Megan and Harry of podcasting and drop a steaming pile on everybody. I wonder if that comes through on the actual audio. It's got to, right? If it's that loud.

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15:20 - 15:22 Krissy Hoadley

It does. Yeah, it does. Here and there.

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15:22 - 15:23 Bryan Green

It does? Okay.

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15:23 - 15:25 Krissy Hoadley

Even after it's been.

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15:25 - 15:25 Bryan Green

Yes.

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15:26 - 15:27 Krissy Hoadley

Leveled and everything.

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15:27 - 15:44 Bryan Green

That's the little pitter patter of Santa's elves. I just want you to know that. All right. Well, listen, let's take a break. I'll go yell at my children and give them reason for therapy later on in life. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we're currently supporting. Thank you so much for having me.

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16:07 - 16:30 Bryan Green

They give money to local organizations that help shelter women and families from abusive men or abusive relationships. And they do financial literacy and education for women who've been in abusive relationships so they can get out there in the world and start anew. It's a great cause that really – there's so many charities out there. I feel like this is one. Sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle.

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16:30 - 16:37 Bryan Green

Uh, we need it more than ever. You know what I'm talking about? So get off your lazy ass and donate five. Don't be Megan and Harry donate $5. We'll be back.

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16:42 - 17:02 Ad Narrator

Holidays getting you down? Family acting out of pocket? Text us and tell us all about it at 212-433-3TCB. Or leave us a voicemail with all of the unhinged and or spicy details. And then follow us on Instagram at thecommercialbreak.com. and on TikTok at TCB Podcast if you need a laugh or an escape.

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17:02 - 17:18 Ad Narrator

You can always escape for a full hour and watch our YouTube videos at youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak while you simultaneously peruse our website, tcbpodcast.com, to find out all there is to know about Brian and Chrissy. Now let's hear from our sponsors so we can afford the holidays this year.

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17:22 - 17:42 Ad Narrator

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17:42 - 18:21 Ad Narrator

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18:21 - 18:30 Ad Narrator

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18:30 - 18:40 Ad Narrator

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18:41 - 19:04 Ad Narrator

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19:05 - 19:24 Ad Narrator

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20:12 - 20:30 Bryan Green

All right, I've sufficiently beat my children into submission, so we shouldn't hear any more of that. Okay, so after my Megan and Harry rant, you remember the first time you went to Jeff's house for the holidays, Jeff's parents' house for the holidays, Jeff's family's house for the holidays. Yes. How was it?

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20:30 - 20:41 Krissy Hoadley

It was great. You're a little nervous. Of course, yes. But his mom was lovely, and yeah, it was fantastic. This whole family was very welcoming.

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20:41 - 20:50 Bryan Green

Yes. I think that is, in my opinion, the first time you meet the parents or the parents and then the first time you do holidays together.

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20:50 - 20:51 Unknown Voice

Yes.

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20:51 - 21:14 Bryan Green

Those are two big indicators of whether or not things are on the right track. Yes. Are you going to be a fit? You guys can get along just perfectly fine together, but... Do you do well on vacation? Do you do well when you're sick? Do you do well staying together in the same place more than five nights in a row? And do you get together or do you do well at family events, introductions, family?

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21:14 - 21:31 Bryan Green

And those family holidays, those can be make it or break it. Because let's be honest, if you go over to your loved one's house and their parents are shitheads or you just don't get along with them or they give you the side eye, it's very difficult to get over that. You don't want to go to your loved one's families forever. holidays, you're likely not going to last very long.

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21:31 - 21:51 Bryan Green

And I have been through this. I know this. I stayed with someone way too long, and their family hated me. And it was very uncomfortable. They hated me so much that I wouldn't even get invited to the holidays. What? It would be like she would just avoid it. You know, well, I'm going to go to my mom's on Christmas Eve, so I'll see you on Christmas Day. Really? And I'd be like...

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21:51 - 22:01 Bryan Green

You, I, you don't want me to come in. No, it's like a pajama party probably. And then I would see pictures on Facebook and there'd be like 12 people over there. Me not included. Fuck you.

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22:01 - 22:02 Krissy Hoadley

Wow.

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22:02 - 22:20 Bryan Green

Yes. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. It was just a drama or she would start an argument the day before Christmas, even that way. It was, there was an excuse not to have me over. The truth was, I don't think her family liked me. I didn't like them very much. Any, it was a, it was a, it was mutual. Yeah. I don't like you either. Yeah. It was really her stepdad that I didn't like.

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22:20 - 22:37 Bryan Green

But anyway, besides the point, parents have a lot of influence and sway over people's relationships. Families and parents, they can make or break a relationship. And here, while we're talking about this, I'm going to give you a little piece of Brian Greene advice when it comes to families and relationships.

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22:38 - 23:03 Bryan Green

Do not tell your mom or dad, brother or sister, or maybe even best friend about every single argument that you have with your partner. No. Because they will slowly start to despise your partner and it will come tearing apart at the seams when your mother and father tell you that they're no good for you because all you guys do is fight because that's all you talk about is when you fight.

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23:03 - 23:04 Bryan Green

So that's my little advice.

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23:04 - 23:07 Krissy Hoadley

But the truth is that you weren't good for each other. Fuck you.

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23:09 - 23:15 Ad Narrator

I don't know about you guys, but everything that gets told to me gets told straight to my sisters. Oh, yeah.

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23:15 - 23:22 Bryan Green

Okay, sisters, I think you can get... There's like a little bit of an exception there because sisters and brothers, you have that...

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23:23 - 23:42 Bryan Green

But I have seen this play out in real life where you slowly start to turn people against your partner, even though that's not really how you feel, because the thing that you talk most loudly about or most forcefully about are the arguments and disagreements that you have. And you don't color it in with all the wonderful that they're doing. But you're right. They were bad for me in the first place.

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23:42 - 24:07 Bryan Green

So fuck them. In the 90s, MTV knew this. MTV knew that parents held the most sway over who their children dated or fell in love with. And they built a whole show around it, Chrissy. And it was called Parental Control. Now, while I was hunting, Christina and I got in a text message chain. She was telling me about another MTV show we may or may not review.

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24:07 - 24:27 Bryan Green

And then that got me thinking about the other dating shows that were on MTV in the 90s and early 2000s that were, quite frankly, fucking insane. They would never fly now. But back then, it was a different time. Parental Control was a short-lived show. I think it was only three or four seasons. But it was a literally... I mean, it's a great concept.

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24:27 - 24:45 Bryan Green

I'm not sure how well it's done, but it's a great concept. And that is rather than you pick your boyfriend or girlfriend, the parents will. And here's the twist. You already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So it's your parents trying to pick a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean, who agrees to go on these fucking shows?

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24:45 - 25:03 Bryan Green

You must be so thirsty when you say, yeah, I'll let your mom and dad pick a new dick. Yeah, no problem. I got that part down. So parental control. I thought it would be a great time this Christmas, now that we're thinking about spending time with family we don't love, to go ahead and review parental control.

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25:04 - 25:04 Ad Narrator

Let's do it.

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25:04 - 25:05 Bryan Green

You want to do that?

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25:05 - 25:05 Krissy Hoadley

Yes.

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25:05 - 25:12 Bryan Green

All right, I may need your help. Hi, I'm Eddie. I got it. Ah, there you go. All right, this is an episode... Parental control.

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25:12 - 25:13 Krissy Hoadley

This is an episode.

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25:13 - 25:14 Bryan Green

This is an episode.

0
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25:16 - 25:22 Krissy Hoadley

This is an episode. Whabam! Episode!

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25:25 - 25:26 MTV Parent

My family-owned construction company.

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25:27 - 25:27 Ad Narrator

And I'm Monica.

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25:27 - 25:28 MTV Parent

I kill people for a living.

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25:28 - 25:31 Ad Narrator

I'm the general manager for our company.

0
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25:31 - 25:34 Krissy Hoadley

I also kill people for a living. And my hair is awesome.

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25:34 - 25:36 Bryan Green

Lauren is a total catch.

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25:36 - 25:39 Ad Narrator

She's beautiful, sweet, and so much fun.

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25:39 - 25:51 Bryan Green

Can I just say the out loud part here? Lauren does not look like the child of the father. I'm just going to share that right now. But Lauren might be adopted. You never know. There's just one problem.

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25:53 - 26:03 Krissy Hoadley

His fucking boyfriend. We hate him. We hate him. What? What is this guy?

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26:03 - 26:18 Bryan Green

He came straight out of a Blink-182 video. He's wearing sunglasses, spiky gelled hair, graphic t-shirt, and board shorts. And he got really close to the camera from up to down. Of course. That's all the rage back there. Limp Bizkit.

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26:19 - 26:24 Krissy Hoadley

That's an original Limp Bizkit move, Chrissy. Fred Durst originated that move.

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26:25 - 26:26 Bryan Green

Face into the camera.

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26:26 - 26:29 Ad Narrator

Boyfriend is a jerk.

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26:29 - 26:32 Bryan Green

They bleeped out jerk. They really bleeped out jerk.

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26:32 - 26:33 Krissy Hoadley

My, how times have changed.

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26:33 - 26:46 MTV Narrator

Yeah, things have changed. She's dating Jeremy. They've been together for three months, and Lauren thinks he's a dream come true. But her parents think he's a total nightmare. So they're sending Lauren up on two blind dates with guys they've each handpicked just for her.

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26:47 - 26:53 MTV Narrator

If you think this is hard for Lauren, imagine how tough it will be for Jeremy when he sits down with her parents and they watch the days together.

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26:53 - 26:54 Krissy Hoadley

Oh, God, he sits down with them.

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26:54 - 26:58 Bryan Green

This is the most New Jersey family I've ever seen in my entire life, by the way.

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26:58 - 26:59 Krissy Hoadley

They're responsible for the trends.

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26:59 - 27:19 Bryan Green

Yes. Teresa Caputo haircut on the mom. Dad's, what does he have, a trash compacting company or something, a construction company? Waste management. Yes. And now the little soprano in training is sitting next to them waiting for the girlfriend to go out on two dates. Handpicked by mom and dad. How do they handpick them? Find them in a grocery store?

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27:19 - 27:23 Krissy Hoadley

Yeah. I think MTV shoves them to them.

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27:23 - 27:27 Bryan Green

I'm pretty sure the producers just showed up at the front door with these two good necks.

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27:28 - 27:33 MTV Contestant

I have amazing legs. I can't believe this. He's touching her calves and I'm sitting next to you cows.

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27:33 - 27:36 MTV Parent

Enjoy looking at her on the screen because it's over, pal.

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27:36 - 27:48 Krissy Hoadley

I can't believe this. She's touching his legs and I got to sit here reading jokes the producers wrote. At the end of the day, he probably said, this really sucks.

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27:48 - 27:50 Bryan Green

MTV bleeped it out.

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27:50 - 27:57 MTV Narrator

Lauren will have to decide which guy she wants to keep seeing. Her boyfriend, Jeremy, or one of the new guys her parents have selected for her.

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27:57 - 27:58 Krissy Hoadley

New guy.

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27:58 - 27:59 MTV Narrator

New guy.

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27:59 - 28:01 Krissy Hoadley

New guy.

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28:01 - 28:20 Bryan Green

New dick. New dick. No control. This is back when shows actually had an opening, like a theme song. Now it's just, you just go straight into the television show. People don't have the patience for theme songs anymore.

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28:20 - 28:33 Krissy Hoadley

Hi, I'm Lauren.

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28:33 - 28:37 Lauren

My boyfriend's name is Jeremy. He's super hot and he knows how to break it down.

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28:38 - 28:43 Bryan Green

First of all, when it's break it down. Yeah. Well, now they would say he knows how to dick me down.

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28:44 - 28:48 Krissy Hoadley

Really makes me. Oh, my God.

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28:48 - 28:51 MTV Parent

Angry when Jeremy criticizes or insults Lauren.

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28:51 - 28:59 Ad Narrator

Whoa, bad hair day. He cuts her down and makes her feel bad about herself. Damn, girl, you got some chicken legs. Is that what you're wearing?

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29:00 - 29:04 MTV Parent

He's the one that's going to be feeling bad, if you know what I mean. Jeremy.

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29:04 - 29:24 Bryan Green

My pretend punching abilities are right here. Wow. Now, clearly, this is just for the camera. This is all scripted, you can tell, because they're poorly saying these lines. But if he really does say things like that to her, then I can understand where these parents are coming from. 100%. Someone's talking like that to my daughter in front of me, and it's game over.

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29:25 - 29:28 Ad Narrator

Oh, yeah. Wears his sunglasses all the time, even indoors.

0
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29:28 - 29:32 MTV Parent

What does he think? He's some kind of movie star? He's afraid to get recognized?

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29:32 - 29:47 Ad Narrator

Forget the sunglasses. Do us all a favor and just put a bag over your head. Yeah, I got that. Drives me crazy that Jeremy ends every sentence with, oh, yeah. Pork rinds. Oh, yeah.

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29:47 - 29:56 Krissy Hoadley

Baby, I love you. GED. Oh, yeah. Suspended license. Oh, yeah. Syphilis. Herpes simplex A. Oh, yeah.

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30:01 - 30:27 Ad Narrator

ah yeah ah yeah tuna casserole may i finish this sentence ah yeah pre-ejaculation jeremy you're out of here for good oh yeah and how about this one lauren's boyfriend throws temper tantrums anytime he doesn't get his way he stomps his feet and yells like a little baby they gave me kung pao i ordered orange Oh, yeah.

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30:28 - 30:33 MTV Contestant

Oh, yeah. Oh, interception. God, this is not fair.

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30:33 - 30:37 MTV Parent

What's the matter, Jeremy? You need someone to come in and change your diaper?

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30:37 - 30:44 Ad Narrator

Our daughter needs to be with someone who appreciates all she has to offer. Jeremy, it's time for you to move on.

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30:44 - 30:45 MTV Parent

Because you're out of here.

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30:48 - 30:54 Krissy Hoadley

We're going to find a new boner for her to ride. MTV Network's casting call.

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30:55 - 31:11 Bryan Green

They're outside the MTV Network's building, which is so un-MTV-like. I just have to say that. It's like it's just a normal office building. And they have a line. What I can imagine is clearly set up a shot of a line of guys, maybe 50 of them, standing in line waiting to get the front door.

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31:12 - 31:15 MTV Narrator

Time for mom and dad to meet the potential blind dates for Lauren.

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31:17 - 31:18 MTV Contestant

Hi. Hey, I'm Dylan.

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31:18 - 31:38 Bryan Green

Was that Nick Lachey? I think it was Nick Lachey. Well, he lasted about as long on this as he does on that Love is Blind. They walk in and walk out of the door. Yeah, that's true. And by the way, I'm making fun of people showing up to the MTV networks. This is the guy who sent in at least two applications to real world. That's right. At least. Yep.

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31:39 - 31:40 Ad Narrator

Thanks for coming.

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31:42 - 31:48 MTV Contestant

So what do you do for a living? I work at a gym. I'm working in a grocery store. I sell insurance. I'm a semi-pro babysitter.

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31:48 - 31:51 Krissy Hoadley

What the hell is insurance? I practice masturbating.

0
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31:51 - 31:53 MTV Contestant

I sell insurance.

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31:54 - 31:56 Krissy Hoadley

Aren't they like in high school? Yes.

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31:56 - 32:05 Bryan Green

I got to imagine they're like in their early 20s. But yeah, he said I'm a semi-pro babysitter. A semi-pro babysitter.

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32:05 - 32:06 Ad Narrator

My pro.

0
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32:07 - 32:13 MTV Contestant

Sometimes I watch them. Sometimes I don't. I'm a full-time student and an athlete. I'm working on being a kid's pastor.

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32:13 - 32:15 MTV Contestant

I set rat traps for a living.

0
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32:15 - 32:16 MTV Contestant

Like an exterminator?

0
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32:16 - 32:18 MTV Contestant

Are you serious? Yeah, puts food on the table.

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32:19 - 32:27 Bryan Green

Hey, listen, that's a guy I can get behind right there. Not the rat trap part. Sorry, you're out. But a guy who actually gets his hands dirty for a living is someone I'm okay with.

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32:28 - 32:38 MTV Contestant

I rap and dance. Fold clothes all day. Right now, I'm not really doing much. Just freelance construction. Right. I'm in construction myself. Could you hook me up with a job?

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32:38 - 32:40 Ad Narrator

I thought you were here for a date, not a job.

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32:41 - 32:49 Krissy Hoadley

Well, listen, if we could knock out two at the same time, I'd certainly appreciate it. Do you see my t-shirt? Who is that? Who's on the front of that t-shirt?

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32:49 - 32:50 Ad Narrator

It looks like Mandy Moore.

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32:50 - 32:51 Krissy Hoadley

It is Mandy Moore.

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32:51 - 32:54 Krissy Hoadley

There you go. And a wolf. Yeah.

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32:55 - 33:03 Bryan Green

Nothing like showing up with the graphic wolf tee that's got Mandy Moore on it to profess your love to Mandy Moore. And keep it open, you know.

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33:04 - 33:10 MTV Parent

What's something you like about a woman? Starts with the letter B. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

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33:10 - 33:12 Ad Narrator

Why does it always have to come down to boobs?

0
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33:14 - 33:26 Bryan Green

uh beavis beavis to be fair i think it's the first yeah you set them up for that one yeah i would have said brains but you know okay

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33:27 - 33:28 MTV Contestant

I thought we were coming up to booze.

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33:29 - 33:31 MTV Contestant

I'd have to say her beauty.

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33:32 - 33:34 Ad Narrator

Oh, my God. I love that answer.

0
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33:34 - 33:35 MTV Contestant

Badonkadonk.

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33:36 - 33:42 Bryan Green

Badonkadonk. Oh, my God. This is a relic. Someone put this in a time capsule.

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33:43 - 33:46 MTV Parent

Junk in the trunk. So you like big butts? I cannot lie.

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33:46 - 33:49 Ad Narrator

I knew you were going to say that. I don't know.

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33:49 - 33:50 MTV Parent

Okay, well, hey, he's a man. What do you expect?

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33:51 - 33:59 Ad Narrator

We need somebody who can be there for our daughter in good times and in bad. Put on this wig, pretend you're my best friend, and try to cheer me up.

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33:59 - 34:04 Bryan Green

I'm not sure who's more thirsty here, the parents or the kids. The parents definitely seem thirsty.

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34:06 - 34:15 MTV Contestant

Hey, what's the matter? Why are you so upset? Have I told you that you're awesome? Every guy at school loves you. Hey, girlfriend. I'm sad. Cheer me up.

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34:15 - 34:17 MTV Contestant

I'll give you a back massage.

0
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34:18 - 34:20 MTV Contestant

I'll give you a front massage.

0
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34:22 - 34:23 Bryan Green

Dad's like, uh-uh.

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34:27 - 34:28 Krissy Hoadley

What?

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34:28 - 34:35 Bryan Green

Well, we already know that the parents aren't going to like this guy for stereotypical. Listen, New Jersey drones. That's all I got to say. Jersey drones.

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34:37 - 34:48 Ad Narrator

Come here, sweetheart. Come here. Tell me about your feelings. Why are you such a picture? I'm depressed. Cheer me up. Make me smile. Give me a break. I'm trying. This conversation is over.

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34:49 - 34:55 Bryan Green

He said, give me a break, bitch. I'm trying. Nothing like impressing mom. Like calling her a bitch.

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34:56 - 35:01 MTV Parent

Tell me one thing you like to do before you die. A menage a trois. A five some. Intercourse.

0
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35:01 - 35:06 Bryan Green

A five some. Intercourse. He said intercourse. Well, at least his expectations are reasonable.

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35:07 - 35:18 MTV Contestant

And her course. I'd like to try that before I die. Uh-huh. I want to run a marathon. I've always wanted to kick down a door. Just find some random door and... Kick down a door?

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35:18 - 35:19 MTV Parent

That's big goals. You dream big, baby.

0
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35:20 - 35:23 Bryan Green

I would like to have... That guy is literally a definition of a lug nut.

0
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35:24 - 35:27 MTV Contestant

He is amoeba. Baby with Angelique Jolie.

0
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35:28 - 35:28 Bryan Green

Who wouldn't, huh?

0
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35:29 - 35:29 MTV Contestant

Yeah. I'm...

0
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35:31 - 35:33 MTV Contestant

I want to be the first man to walk on the moon.

0
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35:34 - 35:40 Bryan Green

Oh, dude, come on, man. You clearly. I mean, is this Joe Rogan? Is this Rogan?

0
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35:40 - 35:41 Ad Narrator

You know, we've already been there.

0
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35:44 - 35:50 MTV Parent

Why should we pick you to date our daughter? Why shouldn't you pick me? That is the real question.

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35:50 - 35:57 MTV Contestant

Because I'll always be there for her. I'm a good guy. I'll treat her right. I'm a gentleman. I'm always going to be opening doors for her. It's a great answer. Because I have an IQ of 60?

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35:58 - 36:09 Bryan Green

Yeah, yeah. 60 is nothing to brag about, bro. First of all. Second of all, we all know who they're going to pick. They're going to pick the dude with the hat who sets the rat traps. And they're going to pick Johnny Come Lately with the Mountain Dew hair.

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36:09 - 36:18 MTV Contestant

The beauty. Oh, I mean 160. That's right. I'm good looking. I have a big brain. My butterscotch nipple. Oh, ****. What? Do you want one scoop or two?

0
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36:18 - 36:19 Bryan Green

Oh. I'll cheat your daughter out. Wow.

0
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36:19 - 36:20 Krissy Hoadley

I didn't mean to say that.

0
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36:20 - 36:28 Bryan Green

We have raised an entire generation of morons. These are the same guys, by the way, that are crypto bros now. I just want you to know that.

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36:38 - 36:38 Krissy Hoadley

Oh.

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36:39 - 36:41 Ad Narrator

Thank you very much for coming. No problem. Thank you.

0
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36:42 - 36:49 MTV Contestant

Nice meeting you. Thank you, guys. Don't be a fake ring. I'm in for the real thing here. Cool.

0
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36:49 - 37:01 Bryan Green

I love this music. It is so 2000. Okay, let's do this. Let's see what we got. I'm so ready. All right. That's my baby right there.

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37:07 - 37:11 MTV Parent

Well, that's your pick, and that's my pick.

0
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37:11 - 37:28 Bryan Green

Meanwhile, are they on a Macintosh 001? I think they're using a laptop to pick. I think so. And MTV has put a, like, has overlaid it with a shot of the six guys that, or nine guys that they're looking at. This could not have been more unrealistic, this show.

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37:28 - 37:29 Krissy Hoadley

Oh, it's so stupid.

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37:29 - 37:31 Ad Narrator

Jeremy, life's going to be good.

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37:31 - 37:31 Bryan Green

All right.

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37:33 - 37:44 Lauren

So here's what's up. My mom and dad think my boyfriend Jeremy is bad news. So they each set me up on a blind date. My mom's choice is up first. She really likes funny guys, so I bet he'll make me laugh.

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37:45 - 37:48 MTV Parent

Jeremy, why don't you take off those sunglasses and show some respect?

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37:48 - 37:50 Lauren

What are you going to do about it? Oh, my God.

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37:54 - 37:55 Krissy Hoadley

This guy. Wow.

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37:56 - 38:06 Bryan Green

Yeah, the guy who's currently dating their daughter. Yeah, I think he then went on to try on for Jersey Shore. Then he went on to try on.

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38:06 - 38:09 Krissy Hoadley

Yeah, he's in Jersey Shore Rejects.

0
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38:09 - 38:13 Bryan Green

Oh, yes. He looks like a Jersey Shore Reject. He's a punk ass.

0
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38:13 - 38:16 MTV Contestant

I may be a punk ass, but you're a fat ass. Damn.

0
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38:16 - 38:23 Bryan Green

Ooh. I mean... If one of my daughter's boyfriends said that to me. No way.

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38:23 - 38:27 Ad Narrator

Mama. My guy. Wait till you see the eye candy I picked for you.

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38:28 - 38:30 Bryan Green

The guy who sets rat traps.

0
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38:30 - 38:37 Ad Narrator

Oh, I knew it was going to be him.

0
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38:37 - 38:39 Bryan Green

Oh, Chad.

0
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38:39 - 38:40 Krissy Hoadley

Chad's the one who said beauty.

0
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38:40 - 38:43 Bryan Green

Yes. Versus the bee. I can't believe his name is really Chad.

0
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38:44 - 38:53 Ad Narrator

Hey, Chad. Come on in. Thanks. The guy I picked is a sweetie. He's not full of himself at all, and I think my Lauren's gonna love him. My gorgeous daughter, Lauren.

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38:54 - 39:02 Krissy Hoadley

I'll make your daughter happy, and she'll have to... And I'll bone her right in front of her boyfriend. I'm up for cucking. You know what I'm saying, Mom, Dad? Tons of fun.

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39:02 - 39:03 Ad Narrator

And her creepy boyfriend.

0
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39:07 - 39:11 Krissy Hoadley

He's got his sunglasses on. And he slowly pulls them down.

0
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39:11 - 39:30 Bryan Green

Honestly, if there's any reality in this, like if this actually happened, that the new potential boyfriend showed up at a function at the house and you had to sit there and watch your girlfriend go on a date with another guy, that would be torture, I think. Especially for an 18-year-old.

0
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39:30 - 39:31 MTV Contestant

No!

0
💬 0

39:33 - 39:34 MTV Contestant

Nice sunglasses, bro.

0
💬 0

39:35 - 39:39 MTV Contestant

When Chad walked in, I was like, I got to get some mayonnaise for that white bread. Screw that, dude.

0
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39:40 - 39:43 MTV Contestant

Sloane, you ready to go on our date? Let's go. All right, let's do it.

0
💬 0

39:43 - 39:46 Krissy Hoadley

Mayonnaise for that white bread. I don't remember that dig.

0
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39:46 - 39:55 Krissy Hoadley

Me and my eyebrows will be here waiting for you. Me and all 12 inches of my eyebrows will be right here waiting for you.

0
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39:58 - 40:00 MTV Contestant

Not too much fun. No touching.

0
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40:02 - 40:05 Lauren

I walked in the door. He seemed sweet and really good-looking.

0
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40:06 - 40:12 MTV Narrator

Lauren and Chad are off on some high-speed fun while mom, dad, and boyfriend Jeremy get to watch the action right from their living room.

0
💬 0

40:13 - 40:13 MTV Contestant

Good pick, mom.

0
💬 0

40:14 - 40:17 Ad Narrator

Hey, you don't f***ing hear me. I want to make sure you see this. What the f***?

0
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40:18 - 40:37 Bryan Green

This dude needs to eat the cheeseburger. He's really skinny. He is very skinny. All right, before we get into the dates, maybe we should take a break. Let's remind you one more time. We would love if you would do some good with us this holiday season and donate to one of the charities. This one y'all picked, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Couldn't agree more on this one.

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40:38 - 40:54 Bryan Green

Helping women and children who have suffered at the hands of abusers get back on their feet and make their way in the world. Just like good old Jeremy here is going to have to do after his girlfriend goes out with a real man. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.

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40:57 - 41:18 Ad Narrator

Hi, you know what time it is. So let's get to it. Pull that phone out of your pocket and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok for now, I guess, at TCB podcast. You can also find all of our video content that we're filming in our brand new studio at youtube.com slash the commercial break. So check it out and throw us a follow, a like, a comment, whatever you can spare.

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41:18 - 41:38 Ad Narrator

If you want to get in touch with us, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. Now I have one last request. During the 12 or 263 days of TCB, check out our featured charities and donate to them if you can this holiday season. All right, let's take a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

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41:41 - 41:59 Ad Narrator

This episode is brought to you by Google Gemini. With the Gemini app, you can talk live and have a real-time conversation with an AI assistant. It's great for all kinds of things, like if you want to practice for an upcoming interview, ask for advice on things to do in a new city, or brainstorm creative ideas. And by the way, this script was actually read by Gemini.

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42:00 - 42:05 Ad Narrator

Download the Gemini app for iOS and Android today. Must be 18 plus to use Gemini Live.

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42:07 - 42:24 Unknown Voice

Baking Hershey's Kisses peanut butter blossoms is the perfect way to celebrate the holiday season with friends and family. With their classic, rich, creamy milk chocolate taste, there's no better way to heart-warm the holidays than by baking with Kisses chocolates. Find Hershey's Kisses holiday chocolates at your favorite retailer.

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42:28 - 42:38 Bryan Green

All right, and we're back with Parental Control. We're currently watching, what's his name? Can't remember. Jeremy. We're watching Jeremy suffer at the hands of MTV as his girlfriend goes on a date with the real man.

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42:39 - 42:41 Ad Narrator

Chad. Hey, pay attention.

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42:41 - 42:44 Bryan Green

Chad, I just can't get over his name is actually Chad.

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42:44 - 42:45 Ad Narrator

Then you might learn something.

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42:46 - 42:46 Bryan Green

Yeah, whatever.

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42:50 - 42:53 Lauren

We got these surfboards. We're not by the ocean. What's going on?

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42:53 - 42:55 MTV Contestant

We're going to do a little sport I like to call scurfing.

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42:55 - 43:01 MTV Contestant

Look at how cute he is. Why don't you date him? He's got more personality than that robot man over there. Who would you know about?

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43:01 - 43:08 Bryan Green

Ooh, snap. Does MTV pay for the counseling after this? They're going scurfing, by the way, which I've done many times myself.

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43:09 - 43:12 Krissy Hoadley

What is scurfing? I have no idea. Personality.

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43:13 - 43:18 MTV Contestant

Here we go. A skateboard that looks like a surfboard.

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43:18 - 43:25 Bryan Green

Yeah, that is honestly the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Who wants to skateboard on a ten and a half foot long surfboard?

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43:26 - 43:27 MTV Contestant

Real revolutionary.

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43:27 - 43:35 Krissy Hoadley

It's so revolutionary, it really took off.

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43:35 - 43:54 Bryan Green

Yeah, notice all the kids scurfing out there. I belong to the National Association of Scurfers. I'm a scurf herder, if you know what I mean. And by the way, and we'll talk about this when this is done, but what really surprises me about this is how truncated these dates end up being. Watch. They're going to go skate down one half a block.

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43:54 - 43:57 Bryan Green

They're going to have a little picnic in the park, and then it's going to be done. She's got to choose someone else.

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44:02 - 44:03 Ad Narrator

Don't you wish you guys could do fun things like that?

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44:04 - 44:07 MTV Contestant

This is like the X Games, except it's like the Z's games.

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44:09 - 44:13 Lauren

Let's do it for real. Wait for me.

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44:16 - 44:18 MTV Parent

That's what you call having fun.

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44:18 - 44:22 Ad Narrator

Good, clean fun. We have clean fun.

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44:22 - 44:23 MTV Contestant

I shower with her all the time.

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44:23 - 44:25 MTV Contestant

Oh, man.

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44:26 - 44:27 Krissy Hoadley

Geez.

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44:27 - 44:30 Ad Narrator

Yeah, they did.

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44:30 - 44:35 Bryan Green

Did they put them on cue cards or something? They must. This guy is not smart enough to come up with these on his own.

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44:40 - 44:41 Krissy Hoadley

So did you have fun?

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44:41 - 44:42 Lauren

I had a great time.

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44:42 - 44:48 Krissy Hoadley

Let's get something to eat. Let's get some chow. Let's get off these skirts and let's go chow down on some dogs and some munchies.

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44:49 - 44:52 Ad Narrator

Wouldn't it be nice for a train to have a guy look like that show up for our daughter?

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44:53 - 45:00 Bryan Green

Yes, it would. What is the difference between the T-shirt and jeans that the current guy is wearing and the T-shirt and jeans that the other guy is wearing?

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45:00 - 45:04 Krissy Hoadley

No, it's not much difference. Well, there is some difference.

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45:06 - 45:09 Lauren

It's so much fun. I think scurfing is my new favorite sport.

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45:09 - 45:16 MTV Contestant

I'm glad. Scurfing is awesome. So I brought us some fish tacos because fish tacos go perfect after a day of scurfing.

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45:16 - 45:29 MTV Contestant

hey mom you ever make fish tacos uh yeah i sure do dad you ever eat mom's fish tacos does not oh it gets so much worse are so what are some of your favorite foods

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45:35 - 45:39 MTV Contestant

My favorite foods, I'd probably say strawberries and chocolate with a little whipped cream.

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45:40 - 45:43 MTV Contestant

Yeah, your daughter and I were playing with strawberries and whipped cream last night. I will kill you.

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45:44 - 45:52 Krissy Hoadley

No, no, seriously. No, no, seriously. She put whipped cream in my balls. No, seriously, Dad. I'll kill you. Hey, Dad, have you ever put whipped cream on your wife's nipples?

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45:52 - 45:58 MTV Contestant

Yeah. We were cooking. I made dessert last night. Mom, it was almost as good as your first taco.

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45:59 - 46:01 MTV Contestant

So what's the deal with your boyfriend anyway?

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46:01 - 46:05 Krissy Hoadley

Is that her brother? Why is he calling her mom?

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46:05 - 46:13 Bryan Green

There's no way. Yeah, honestly. They're not married. This is weird. This is weird. It's all weird.

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46:13 - 46:23 Lauren

He has a bad temper tantrum problem. That's not good. I don't have a bad temper tantrum problem. Wow. Do you have a bad temper?

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46:23 - 46:32 Krissy Hoadley

Not really. Give me my pillow! Not really. I'm pretty loaded on Z's and wacky tabacky.

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46:34 - 46:36 Bryan Green

Meanwhile, this guy's throwing a fit over here.

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46:36 - 46:39 Lauren

So how do you control your anger?

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46:39 - 46:42 MTV Contestant

I like to do some yoga. Just something that relieves some stress.

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46:42 - 46:42 Krissy Hoadley

Yoga.

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46:46 - 46:57 MTV Contestant

Before you go, I got something for you to remember the state by. Every scurfer needs their board wax, and this is my favorite brand. Well, thank you. I had an amazing 15 minutes with you.

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46:57 - 46:57 Krissy Hoadley

Thank you.

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46:57 - 47:06 Bryan Green

I had an amazing seven minutes with you. I'm glad. Scurfing is my new favorite sport. I didn't even have a chance to eat a fish taco. Bye.

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47:06 - 47:08 MTV Contestant

We should probably get you back home now.

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47:08 - 47:09 Lauren

Okay, let's go.

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47:09 - 47:09 MTV Contestant

All right.

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47:14 - 47:16 Ad Narrator

Isn't he awesome? Oh my God.

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47:16 - 47:18 MTV Parent

Dude, you're out of here.

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47:21 - 47:25 Lauren

I just got back from my date with Chad and it was crazy fun.

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47:26 - 47:48 Bryan Green

Was it crazy fun? Was it really crazy fun? Yeah. I have a feeling that they picked people who were... The family dynamics were already well established. They know that she's going to pick the guy she's already dating and that this is just like... They're thirsty. They're going on TV to be on TV. Yes, of course this is pretend. You don't talk to your...

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47:49 - 47:52 Bryan Green

your loved one's parents like this and expect to get away with it.

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47:52 - 47:55 Lauren

Any second. I hope this guy is just as adventurous.

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47:56 - 48:07 MTV Parent

Lauren, are you ready to go out with an adult instead of a moron that throws hissy fits? Shut up. I'm not the one who throws hissy fits. Yeah, you are. You're a little whiner, a little freaking baby. I hate you guys. All right.

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48:07 - 48:09 Krissy Hoadley

I swear, I think that's her real brother.

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48:09 - 48:15 Bryan Green

It's got to be her brother. You might be right about this. It might be the brother. Real man's like, Lauren.

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48:16 - 48:18 Lauren

Are you nervous? You have nothing to worry about.

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48:25 - 48:29 Krissy Hoadley

Oh, Dylan. Dylan and Chad. Hey, Dylan, come on in.

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48:29 - 48:34 Krissy Hoadley

Dylan's got a little bit of the bead, you know, cut going on.

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48:34 - 48:36 Krissy Hoadley

Hey, Dylan, come on in, bro.

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48:36 - 48:46 MTV Parent

Me and you are buds. Good kid. That kid is awesome. I just hope Lauren likes him at least half as much as I do. And my beautiful daughter. Wow, that's weird.

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48:49 - 48:56 Bryan Green

I just hope Lauren sees in him what I saw in him. Fine, firm arms and a nice round potato bottom.

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48:59 - 49:01 MTV Contestant

Gentlemen, I'm always going to be opening doors for her.

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49:01 - 49:13 MTV Contestant

When Dylan walked in, I said to myself, I would do her. Then I realized it was a guy.

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49:15 - 49:15 Krissy Hoadley

You ready to go?

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49:16 - 49:16 MTV Contestant

All set.

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49:16 - 49:33 Krissy Hoadley

All right, let's go. Remember what we talked about. Remember what we talked about, my sweet dick. How much you love the motion in this ocean, baby. Remember, I'll be thinking about you. And if you choose someone else, I'm going to break things in the house.

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49:33 - 49:35 MTV Contestant

She's mine now.

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49:36 - 49:37 Krissy Hoadley

Bullshit.

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49:38 - 49:42 Lauren

When I first saw Dylan, he definitely looked like an athlete. I love Josh. Does he?

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49:42 - 49:48 Krissy Hoadley

Does he really look like an athlete? What kind of athlete does he look like? A bowler?

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49:50 - 49:59 MTV Narrator

A polo player. Yeah, a polo player. That's right. Lauren and Dylan are off for some one-on-one time while mom, dad, and Jeremy are back at the house, ready to see how things are.

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49:59 - 50:07 Bryan Green

Meanwhile, both of these dates take place on the same day if the clothing is any indicator because they're wearing the exact same thing they were wearing for the last date.

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50:08 - 50:11 MTV Contestant

Seriously, did you see that guy's hair? What do you call that?

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50:12 - 50:14 Ad Narrator

You see that? He criticizes Lauren just like that.

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50:14 - 50:17 MTV Contestant

Only when her hair looks like **** too. Such a jerk.

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50:18 - 50:20 Bryan Green

He's kind of a douche.

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50:20 - 50:21 Krissy Hoadley

What happened to Jeremy?

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50:22 - 50:34 Bryan Green

Oh, I know what happened to Jeremy. He got his GED and now he's working for the local sanitation company selling ecstasy on weeknights at the under 18 club in the boardwalk.

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50:36 - 50:40 MTV Contestant

So I brought you to this soccer field because I thought we'd play a little soccer. Got a little jersey for you.

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50:41 - 50:48 Krissy Hoadley

Why don't you take this and go... I brought you to this local soccer field so you can play with my balls. Change and I'll meet you back here. What is this, gym class?

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50:48 - 50:54 Ad Narrator

That's a fun day. They're not just sitting on the couch. What is that?

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50:55 - 50:56 MTV Contestant

These are leaf blowers.

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50:57 - 50:57 Lauren

Are we landscaping?

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50:58 - 51:00 MTV Contestant

No, come on now. We're playing leaf blower soccer.

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51:00 - 51:02 Lauren

What's leaf blower soccer?

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51:02 - 51:04 MTV Contestant

It's just like regular soccer.

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51:04 - 51:20 Bryan Green

It's just like what they told us in the production meeting. We're going to blow leaf. We're going to blow the balls up and down the thing. Did MTV try and figure out the corniest games that they could play with these people? It sounds like it. Why don't they just go on a regular date? Get a cup of coffee. Have dinner. Make out in the back of a car. I mean, what's up with this?

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51:20 - 51:22 Bryan Green

Taking the ball, you blow the ball.

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51:22 - 51:28 Krissy Hoadley

It's just like regular soccer except it blows. We're just going to waste gas.

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51:28 - 51:34 Bryan Green

Gas, time, money. The good news is, Chrissy, they'll only be playing for two and a half minutes. Any date you've ever taken her on?

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51:34 - 51:36 Ad Narrator

Have you taken her on one yet? We've raced.

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51:38 - 51:38 Bryan Green

We've raced horses?

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51:39 - 51:40 Ad Narrator

Dude, you're boring.

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51:40 - 51:43 MTV Contestant

You guys are stupid.

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51:43 - 51:46 Lauren

So what kind of girls do you usually date?

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51:47 - 51:48 MTV Contestant

Usually brunettes, actually.

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51:48 - 51:50 Lauren

Brunettes are hot.

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51:50 - 51:51 MTV Contestant

Yep, I agree, I agree.

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51:51 - 51:52 Lauren

That's what I say.

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51:52 - 51:54 MTV Contestant

What about you? What kind of guys do you normally date?

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51:54 - 51:57 MTV Parent

That's easy. Douchebags with sunglasses.

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51:59 - 52:00 Krissy Hoadley

Oh, snippy snappy.

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52:00 - 52:02 MTV Parent

Why don't you cover up those caterpillar eyebrows?

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52:04 - 52:09 Krissy Hoadley

All right, here's how it's going to work.

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52:10 - 52:16 MTV Contestant

You're over there. I'm over here. First one to three goals wins, and loser gives winner a massage.

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52:16 - 52:19 Lauren

Whoa, my muscles are feeling a bit tense.

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52:19 - 52:20 MTV Contestant

Yeah, that's right.

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52:20 - 52:26 Krissy Hoadley

Whoa, my breasts are feeling a bit tense. Look at Jeremy. I know.

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52:26 - 52:33 Unknown Voice

That's a peacock if I've ever seen one.

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52:33 - 52:35 Bryan Green

No, he's peacocking all over that couch.

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52:38 - 52:39 MTV Parent

You're a legend in your own mind.

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52:39 - 52:40 MTV Contestant

Damn straight.

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52:40 - 52:43 MTV Parent

Your teeth won't be damn straight if you keep talking about our daughter again.

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52:43 - 52:45 MTV Contestant

What are you going to give me, braces? What does that mean?

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52:46 - 52:47 MTV Parent

I'm going to kick your freaking ass.

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52:48 - 52:50 MTV Contestant

With a fist? You know what kick means?

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52:51 - 53:19 Bryan Green

Things are getting heated there in the house. Geez. If I'm not dad, I'm just jumping on Jeremy. I'm not talking anymore. Not that I condone violence in any way, shape, or form. But in this case, I might condone violence in every way, shape, or form. Oh, this seems like no fun whatsoever. They're trying to blow an exercise ball with battery-powered leaf blowers.

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53:23 - 53:27 Ad Narrator

What a date. But they're just hitting it with their leaf blower.

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53:27 - 53:29 Bryan Green

I know, it's so stupid.

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53:31 - 53:33 Ad Narrator

Wow, look at how much fun that is.

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53:33 - 53:35 Bryan Green

Oh, yeah, it does not look like any fun whatsoever.

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53:36 - 53:37 MTV Contestant

That's stupid, it's the f***ing plane.

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53:50 - 53:52 MTV Contestant

Yeah!

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53:55 - 53:56 Bryan Green

Score!

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53:56 - 54:03 MTV Contestant

Score for the loudest, most obnoxious game ever. I'm over this. I'm so sick of you. Give me my glasses.

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54:08 - 54:13 Bryan Green

That date was so fun. Let's sit down here in front of these hot, bright lights and talk to each other.

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54:13 - 54:15 Lauren

What do you got there?

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54:16 - 54:17 Bryan Green

I got some juice and oranges.

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54:18 - 54:19 Lauren

Nice.

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54:19 - 54:29 Bryan Green

Juice and oranges. He did not bring juice and oranges. He's an 18-year-old boy. He did not know how to do anything. He doesn't know how to cut up oranges. That's completely unrealistic.

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54:29 - 54:31 Lauren

How did you think of that?

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54:32 - 54:37 MTV Contestant

He got hit in the head real hard. That's how he came up with it. I don't know. Me and my friends play sometimes.

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54:38 - 54:38 Lauren

Oh, really?

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54:38 - 54:45 Bryan Green

I don't know. They told me to lie about this part. Me and my friends totally came up with it in the production meeting right before we came on here.

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54:45 - 54:47 MTV Contestant

Pretty creative group of guys.

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54:47 - 54:49 Lauren

Are you like an artist or something?

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54:50 - 54:51 MTV Contestant

Actually, I'm in a band.

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54:51 - 54:53 Lauren

Oh, really?

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54:53 - 54:55 MTV Contestant

Okay, which 18-year-old boy is not in a band?

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54:55 - 54:56 Lauren

What's your band's name?

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54:57 - 54:58 MTV Contestant

We're called Brian's Escape.

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54:59 - 54:59 MTV Contestant

Brian's Escape.

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55:05 - 55:07 Krissy Hoadley

Brian's Escape.

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55:07 - 55:09 Krissy Hoadley

That's the name of my new band.

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55:10 - 55:10 Bryan Green

100%.

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55:10 - 55:14 Krissy Hoadley

That is the name of her new band.

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55:14 - 55:18 Krissy Hoadley

I am literally dead. I am literally dead. Brian's Escape.

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55:19 - 55:22 Bryan Green

We're changing the name of the commercial break to Brian's Escape.

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55:51 - 55:52 Lauren

I can't.

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55:53 - 55:59 Krissy Hoadley

I can't. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. That was so funny to me.

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55:59 - 56:03 MTV Parent

Brian's escape. No, we should call this Lauren's escape.

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56:03 - 56:05 Ad Narrator

Yeah, Lauren's escape.

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56:05 - 56:15 MTV Contestant

Yeah, that was a great one, Mom. You're working on the personality I see, though. That's right. Very good, very good. I'm proud of you. So what did you think of me when you first saw me?

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56:15 - 56:18 Lauren

Honestly, I first noticed your hair. I think it's sexy.

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56:19 - 56:20 MTV Contestant

Thank you. Honestly.

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56:20 - 56:22 MTV Parent

Never mind, never mind.

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56:22 - 56:24 MTV Contestant

It looks like a girl's hair. I thought it was sexy.

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56:25 - 56:26 MTV Parent

He's a lot better looking than you are.

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56:26 - 56:30 MTV Contestant

He's a lot better looking than you are.

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56:32 - 56:34 Lauren

So what did you first think about me when you saw me?

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56:35 - 56:40 MTV Contestant

I just thought, man, this girl is a knockout. Why is she with this douchebag guy?

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56:40 - 56:47 MTV Contestant

Because I'm the best. Aw, yeah. You are so full of yourself. Aw, yeah.

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56:48 - 56:50 Lauren

He's a sweet guy. He just has issues.

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56:51 - 56:58 Krissy Hoadley

Yeah. He's a sweet guy. He just has issues. That's a great way to describe it.

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56:59 - 57:09 Bryan Green

Anybody you're dating. When someone that I know says, I mean, I described one of my girlfriends like this for like four years. She's great. She's just got issues.

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57:09 - 57:12 Ad Narrator

Not bad. Wow.

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57:13 - 57:13 Unknown Voice

1898.

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57:13 - 57:14 MTV Contestant

Oh, yeah. Oh, you dick.

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57:19 - 57:22 MTV Contestant

I gotta be honest. I'm a little wiped out from that game.

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57:22 - 57:25 Lauren

Well, I hope you're not too tired because I think you still owe me a massage.

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57:25 - 57:31 Bryan Green

I'm a little wiped out from running a blower up and down the half of soccer field.

0
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57:32 - 57:43 MTV Contestant

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Bring me them legs. What are you giggling at, Lauren? You have amazing legs.

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57:44 - 57:46 Lauren

Really? Yeah. Jeremy says I have chicken legs.

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57:47 - 57:49 MTV Contestant

Jeremy's an idiot. You have great legs.

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57:49 - 57:54 Bryan Green

You have great legs that I can feel through these shin guards and these soccer socks.

0
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57:55 - 58:02 MTV Contestant

I can't believe this. He's touching her calves and I'm sitting next to you cows. Then you might want to put these on so you don't have to see it anymore.

0
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58:02 - 58:05 MTV Contestant

Oh, snap. Thank you. Feeling all loosened up?

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58:06 - 58:07 Lauren

Yeah, nice and loose.

0
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58:07 - 58:10 MTV Contestant

All right, should we get changed and get out of here then? All right, so we should have sex?

0
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58:16 - 58:23 MTV Parent

Great I don't know the date or the blowers Wow Hey, did I do good, hun, or what? That sucked.

0
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58:23 - 58:28 Lauren

I just got back from a date with Dylan, and he really made me sweat. What a hottie.

0
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58:29 - 58:36 Bryan Green

Okay. Let's make a decision. The moment has arrived, Chrissy. What will she do? Predictions on the table?

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58:36 - 58:37 Krissy Hoadley

Yeah, now I'm going to go with Chad.

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58:38 - 58:50 Bryan Green

I'm going to say she sticks with the current guy that she has. He's got issues. Yeah, he's got issues, but when someone has issues, that usually means everyone has issues. You know what I'm saying? And they've been together for a long time. I know this. Trust me.

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58:50 - 58:55 Lauren

Do I stay with Jeremy or go with one of the guys my parents chose? This is a really tough choice.

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58:59 - 59:05 MTV Narrator

Now it's time for Lauren to make her pick. Will she choose Chad, the sexy street surfer, or Dylan, her gorgeous gold?

0
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59:05 - 59:10 Krissy Hoadley

Street surfer. The street scurfer. The street scurfer.

0
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59:12 - 59:18 MTV Narrator

Or the soccer blower. Will she choose Jeremy, her boyfriend of three months, and the person her parents can't stand?

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59:19 - 59:32 Lauren

Guys, this is an experience I'll never forget. But it all comes down to this. I think I know who I want. But before I make my big decision, I'm going to give you one more chance each to tell me why I should pick you.

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59:33 - 59:49 MTV Contestant

Well, I know 4th of July only comes once a year, but if you pick me... Well, that was prophetic. As the lead keyboardist of Brian's mistake. We'll be seeing fireworks all year long.

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59:50 - 59:56 MTV Contestant

Oh my God, that was terrible. Lauren, I don't understand science that well, but there's no denying the chemistry that we felt.

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59:57 - 60:12 MTV Contestant

Baby, if I've learned anything today, it's that I don't want to lose you. And I promise that if you pick me, I promise if I pick you, I'll start a band called Jeremy's Practice. Do whatever I can to make you happy.

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60:14 - 60:19 Lauren

Thanks, guys. That was really sweet. But I still need to get rid of one of you right now.

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60:19 - 60:32 Bryan Green

Oh, elimination. Oh, elimination time. The stakes are very high. The music very dramatic. Standing in a living room that hasn't been renovated since 1979. Here we go. Wood family.

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60:32 - 60:44 Lauren

Wood family. Dylan, you are so good looking, but your personality blows, just like our dude. Whoa. Damn.

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60:45 - 60:46 Unknown Voice

Wow. All right.

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60:46 - 60:48 Lauren

You go, girl.

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60:50 - 60:59 Bryan Green

And he gave her an ankle massage. I know. Threw her over the sock ankle massage. I mean, that's second base in some religions. It is.

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60:59 - 61:00 Lauren

Right now.

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61:00 - 61:02 Bryan Green

That's all right. I had fun anyways.

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61:03 - 61:09 MTV Contestant

Aw, Dylan's always a gentleman. I don't care. I can't date a girl whose hair is shorter than mine.

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61:11 - 61:26 Lauren

And now the hard part. Chad, you are so creative and athletic, but I'm afraid you may be too quiet for me. And Jeremy, we have so much fun together, but I am sick of being insulted.

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61:27 - 61:30 Bryan Green

By the way, how much goop does he have in his hair?

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61:30 - 61:33 Krissy Hoadley

I was trying to look at it. That hair is dripping.

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61:34 - 61:36 Bryan Green

Gel is literally dripping out of the top of his hair.

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61:36 - 61:44 Krissy Hoadley

Serious gel. Come on, Chad. Go, Chad.

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61:45 - 61:48 Krissy Hoadley

Do it, Chad. Chad. Chad. Whoa.

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61:48 - 61:49 Krissy Hoadley

Holy shit. Nice work.

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61:49 - 61:58 Unknown Voice

Oh, thank God. I'm Jeremy Burr's a fit. Yes.

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61:58 - 62:07 MTV Contestant

What are you doing? Get the camera off me. What are you doing? Get the camera off me. Get the camera off me. We did it, man. We did it.

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62:11 - 62:13 MTV Parent

We get our job and Jeremy's gone.

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62:13 - 62:16 Unknown Voice

Good work, Jeremy.

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62:16 - 62:18 MTV Contestant

How'd you ever date that baby?

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62:19 - 62:23 Lauren

I have no idea, but at least I'm with the real man now.

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62:23 - 62:24 MTV Contestant

Got that right.

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62:25 - 62:25 Lauren

Yes.

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62:26 - 62:39 Bryan Green

Chad, what? What happened to Jeremy? I have to know. I will follow up. I will let you know. Next episode of the 12 Days of TCB, we're going to figure out exactly what happened to Jeremy and whether any of this was real at all.

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62:40 - 62:42 Krissy Hoadley

Christina will be reminding you.

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62:42 - 62:52 Bryan Green

Yes, Christina will text me at midnight and remind me to figure out what happened to Jeremy. Or she'll find out, probably before I do. Wow, that really was a terrible television show.

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62:52 - 62:54 Krissy Hoadley

I was on the edge of my seat.

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62:54 - 63:09 Bryan Green

I was too. At the end, despite how terrible it was, and now I remember watching a lot of these episodes. And I always... was so interested in the outcome and always rooting for the new guys because, you know, the old guys were assholes.

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63:09 - 63:10 Krissy Hoadley

Well, they make the old guys look horrible.

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63:10 - 63:15 Bryan Green

Of course. But you could tell it was all fake as he was walking out of the house and he pretended to throw the camera.

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63:15 - 63:17 Krissy Hoadley

It was so obviously fake.

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63:17 - 63:23 Bryan Green

So obviously terribly fake. But, you know, it was a more innocent time back then.

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63:23 - 63:26 Krissy Hoadley

It was. It was before everything was out there.

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63:26 - 63:27 Bryan Green

Yes, it was long before Maury.

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63:27 - 63:31 Krissy Hoadley

I didn't know at the same time.

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63:32 - 63:56 Bryan Green

Yeah, early 2000s, for sure. Yeah. Dr. Phil, Maury. No 90-day fiancé, though. None of that. None of that didn't come around until the 2014s, 15s. Anyway, all right. Well, listen. Another day knocked off. Scratch that off our advent calendar, Chrissy. We opened a gift, and it was Jeremy going home. I can see Christina literally scratching it off the calendar. Thank you. I appreciate that.

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63:58 - 64:19 Bryan Green

All right, TCBpodcast.com. That's where you will go to get your free TCB sticker. All you got to do is go to the website, hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address. Away it will go. Also, all the audio, all the video right there on the website. If that's how you choose to listen or watch it, it's all there available to you.

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64:20 - 64:46 Bryan Green

And now, for your viewing pleasure, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.com. You can go there and see every episode of the commercial break moving forward on YouTube. Usually drops the exact same time that the audio does on Spotify. We have video a couple of days after the episode drops. So go over there. Like, subscribe, follow all that good jazz at The Commercial Break on Instagram.

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64:47 - 65:10 Bryan Green

TCB Podcast on TikTok. And 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. Let us know how you're enjoying the 12 days of TCB. We'd love to hear from you. And please donate to one of our great causes that we've been focusing on for the last couple of days. We would appreciate it. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

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65:11 - 65:11 Krissy Hoadley

I think so.

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65:11 - 65:22 Bryan Green

But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe and Jeremy also. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.

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