Superhero Maya Rudolph skydives in for some cork-popping fun on another juicy episode of the pod. Songs are sung, stories are told, and Maya educates us all, by example, on how to be the coolest cucumber around.This episode was originally released on 9/7/2020. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.
Hello, welcome to SmartList. I am Jason Bateman, one of the less smart hosts. Even less smart is Will Arnett and truly dumb is Sean Hayes. We each have invited, well, one of us invites a guest per week. The other two don't know who that person is. Some of it's going to be funny. Hopefully you won't cry and hopefully you learn a little something. So let's get started.
Well, here's the sad part. You have Chumbawamba on your thing ready to go, and it's not a joke.
No, it's a ringtone.
Probably he's getting a call, I think. I've been going so Chumbawamba-heavy lately on the... I keep going, like, mid-conversation, Alessandra will say something, and I'll just go, you know, the thing about me is... I get knocked down. But I get up again. And she's like... But between that and my 10-year love affair with figuring out who let the dogs out... Right.
But what about that... What's that crap-ass band? Well, actually, I've never heard their music, but they're... goddamn name uh bony bear bony bear yeah bony bear first of all bony bear is a great band so is it hang on b-o-n-e-y and then and then v-a-r or something like that yeah that's what it is you fucking idiot what's a bony bear like what would there be like a fat bear it's it's
Wait, what song are they singing? What is it?
It's B-O-N and then space I-V-E-R. Oh, he likes it because it's French, and he's like, I can speak French. It's not French. He's from fucking Wisconsin, and it's this guy, Justin Vernon, and my friend Chris Messina, who works at the band. Oh, then they're great. I don't know where our guest is, but I guarantee you that they like Bon Iver.
How much do you want to bet? How much do you want to bet?
Do you want to do a real bet? 100 Canadian dollars.
Sean, you know who this is, so you can't chime in. 100 Canadian dollars right now.
Great. So it's a $5 bet? Is that what you're saying? You know what, dude? That's so insulting. That's so insulting to me and to all my Canadian brethren who I'm going to publish. I'm going to put your address online. Oh, right on. Right on. Well, just give her.
Wait, can I tell you guys something that Scotty and I were watching?
Hey, were you just changing your diaper? What did you just pull out from your pants? Why do you wear a pashmina as a diaper?
Because it was cold and now it's hot. I was watching Field of Dreams last night. I've never seen the movie. Okay. Hold for applause? What are you doing? Okay. No, it was really good. But I mean, it's kind of a long way to go to tell a story about playing catch with your dad. But I get it. It was sweet. You know, Scotty's like, you know, all these people won Academy Awards. I don't know.
They were nominated or something. And then we started having this conversation about who would we conjure up from the past that like, if you could, who would that be for you guys?
Who would it be? Hey, listen, Jason played catch with his dad at home. And by his dad, I mean the security guy at Fox. And by catch, I mean smoking butts behind stage five. But look.
Yeah. Oh, God. All right. Well, we'll get to that later.
Sean, who are you so rudely keeping waiting?
Yeah. On our little podcast today, we have a gorgeous woman inside and out who we all know. We're all friends with. Really? And we all love. She is a light, guys. Her lineage is filled with all kinds of famous people. I'm trying to build even the slightest bit of anticipation because you're going to know who it is. Let me try with this one, this random thing.
She graduated college with a degree in photography. Can you guess who that is? Annie Leibovitz. That's it. She's a staple in the history of American comedy, will be remembered forever for her many contributions in film and television. She's trending so goddamn hard on social media right now because of her impression of Kamala Harris. It's Maya Rudolph!
No way! Come on!
Look at this. Oh, pop the cork. Pop the cork. Oh, my God.
I was trying to sing Bon Iver. Okay, so wait.
Right? How good is Bon Iver?
Bon Iver is great. I listened to the whole thing, and I felt bad for Bateman because he sounded old.
I know, didn't he? And now you look at him, he looks old. That's fucked up. So they're less gross than the name?
They're a person, I think, right? Isn't it a person?
It's Justin Vernon, pretty much. And he has other guys who are in the band as well. Sean Carey, who plays, but they're good friends of mine. They're great guys and they make great music. Hi, Maya Rudolph. Hi, Maya Rudolph. Hi, guys. Thanks for being here.
Sorry for the mood lighting. I'm in a cave. It's the only quiet place at my house.
No, I was gonna say thank you for the mood lighting. I'm gonna join you.
It's a wank fest here.
Welcome to my jack shack. Yeah, he was talking about that the other day, how he, you bounced that name off of you.
Do you remember I used to say that to you? Did you finally build your jack shack?
in it right now. Look at him. I can see it.
That's why he's got a smile on his face. The guru. And no pantalones.
Now, Maya, the reason you're looking for quiet is because there are six, 17 kids? 18 kids over there, right?
Good for you. I like to pop them out. There is nothing elastic about my lower region.
Nothing.
It's basically like when you get a grocery bag and something has spilled and then everything just falls out of the bottom.
So the bottom got too saturated.
Yeah.
And now it's useless to you. So kids are falling out daily.
Falling out daily.
Your kids love that description of how they came into the world.
My son thinks that he came out of my butt because he saw a birth video. So we like to keep it that way.
My son said the other day, little Abel said the other day, he was in the backseat. Archie and I were arguing about the genesis of, this is terrible parenting, of Grand Theft Auto games and which one came first in GTA V. And Abel's in the backseat going, hey, real quick, could you Wikipedia? And he cuts me off and he goes, how babies are made? You got it.
He's got that on his favorites. It's just a one button. You know, Maya, your husband did describe having a bunch of kids running around the house. He says it's so great. He used a better word. It's like having a fire burning in each room. It's all warm and cozy. He said that? He said that?
Well, he's a bit of a poet. I thought he was going to tell the Jim Gaffigan joke about how it's like, because Jim Gaffigan has five, right? And I think his joke was having a fifth kid is like swimming in a pool and you're drowning and someone hands you a baby. It's a bit overwhelming.
I have to say that being in quarantine with four kids is great because I would be very depressed if I was not very busy. It would be a lot more quiet and depressing.
Look at Sean.
Yeah, look at Sean.
I just got up. Sean is so low right now. He'd have to rally to die. That's how low.
How many books is your computer on right now? Is your computer on it?
My computer is actually on a stand right now. But I like to say the books behind me on the shelf, I've read every single one of those jackets. Nice.
Who do you say that to? To Scotty?
I say that to anybody who'll listen.
He says it to all the living members of Chumbawamba.
Maya, are those kids old enough to help out around the house or are they just asking you to help them find things to do?
Because that is the only reason Jason had children.
I just, I can't keep them entertained.
Do you have any teenagers yet?
Yeah, I got a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old.
The problem with the teen part is I feel really badly for them because they want to be social. But then I don't want them to be on their fucking devices all day long.
But then you got to talk to them. If they're off the device, then you have to talk to them.
It's killing me.
And I also feel like... Lesser the two evils is just a thicker data plan, right?
Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant dad plan. Yeah.
Let's let Bateman keep talking. Let him hang himself. Keep going. So one teenager or two teenagers?
I have one teenager. She's 14.
The others are?
I have no idea. No, 10, 9, and 7. Almost 11, 9, and 7.
Is the 14-year-old a nightmare? Has she found her sass yet at 14?
No, she's not a nightmare. She's the opposite. So I feel really bad because she's a nice person. Yeah.
Oh.
You know, we all have Google.
Sean is godparent to all of my children. Is that true? No.
Yeah, and like my dad, I've never shown up for them.
Are you guys godparents to anybody?
No. I am. I don't even, I don't know what that means. What does it mean? Yeah.
I don't either because I think I failed. Well, we are.
We're actually very active godparents, me and Scotty, to Jonah and Sammy, Carrie Aisley's children. You are? Yeah. And so we're very active. And legally, it's just somebody in the highly unlikely and hopeful never happening case where something happens to them, we are the legal guardians. Right.
I don't think that's always the case.
It's not a religious thing? No.
It used to be a religious thing, and I think now it's much more of just sort of a custom thing that you do. Babe, should we be godparents to each other's kids just out of safety?
No, no, no, we're all set. He's good.
You want to send over the paperwork?
He's good. Yeah, yeah, no, Amanda's got it handled, bro. We're all good. How about a question for Maya?
You don't even know what's for dinner. Maya's actually the godparent to Scotty.
I am.
Does she powder and swaddle him?
Yes, I do.
Maya, I have to say a couple things.
One is— I love you, too.
I do. I really do love you, and I miss you, and I feel like I never see you.
I know. I love you, too. I don't ever see you.
I know. It's wrong. But first of all, I have to say the thing that we all know but not everybody knows, which is that your mom is Minnie Riperton, who sang Love and You.
I was so surprised that you threw in the lineage thing. These dudes are like, who? What?
Yeah, I don't even know who Bonnie Bear is. Oh, come on. Your grandfather owned all the Wendy's in like Florida or something?
Yes. Isn't that crazy? Hang on. Sidney Rudolph.
Free burgers for life or?
So supposedly my grandfather and his brother were these big time business boys back in the day. And he came up with this idea for a company called Trip Charge. Yeah. and where it was like you could get a card and charge it when you were on a trip. This was before the credit card was invented. And it was such a great idea that he sold the idea to Diners Club. Way to go, Sid Rudolph.
Is Diners Club still around?
I don't know, but I guess he straight up gave them the idea for the credit card.
So Diners Club was just for restaurants? Is that what it was?
That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know if it was like a traveler's check situation for going out. I remember those. Traveler's checks.
I know.
Traveler's checks.
Cart Blanche. Remember Cart Blanche was a thing for a minute? What was Cart Blanche? It's similar. It's like diner's club.
I thought it was like, oh, Cart Blanche, and you just say it.
Speaking of the Rudolphs, how was your dad?
He's good. Are you asking about my sweet dad? Isn't my dad the best?
He's so sweet.
He's that guy my whole life that people ask me about. I just got another one today. Look at Bateman. Bateman's like, I don't know your dad. Why don't I get to meet your dad?
Her dad is such a cool guy, and you would be well served. This is like the Bon Iver thing. You would be well served to take that scowl off your face. That's my rest face now.
I have a heavy brow. I need a lift. But I am talking a lot about this. I constantly look like I just said, what did you say? Yeah. That's my rest face.
Yeah. Mine too.
Wait, are you just coming to terms with this?
Just to get to regular, I have to pretend I've just said, oh, I see. That lifts things up to where his center is.
I think it's from years of being funny and years of emoting, and now your skin is relaxing into itself. I have developed really gnarly eye bags, and I think it's from years of rubber face.
Me too, Maya. Maybe you and I can find a doctor that can just cinch us up in all the places.
Does eyes and vaginas.
There's probably somebody in the valley somewhere.
They're kind of similar. They're similar areas. Your eyes and vagina's done here.
That's like Shamcooch and Shampooch. Shampooch and Shamcooch. That was Ali's name. Shampooch and Sham... Shampooch and in the back you get Shamcooch. Here's a very dark, dark story.
Oh, Ali.
But hang on, before you get into this, I do want to say this.
That I went on a date with Ali?
You went on a date with Ali? Wait, this is... What do you mean?
I went on a date with Ali in New York, and he took me to see Puppetry of the Penis. Do you remember that show?
Wait, yes, I saw it in England. It was terrible. Wait, Ali? Who's Ali?
Ali Farnakian.
Larry Farnakian is a good... He's a funny guy. He's the guy who came up with Shampooch and Shamcooch, and I'm married with a couple kids.
And we used to... And both named Shampooch and Shamcooch.
And we used to pass puppetry of the penis all the time on the way home on 7th Avenue. And then we used to also, Amy and I used to always pass and we'd always say to each other that my favorite title for a play was, I love you, you're perfect, now change.
Oh my God. I saw Puppetry of the Penis. I thought it was going to be like this brilliant thing. It was just guys playing with the dicks on stage.
It was so painful and awful looking. A lot of stretching of skin.
Yeah. Wait, so there was actual frontal nudity all the way through it?
Yeah.
Really? Are they cut or uncut?
They were, well, they're Australian, so.
Yeah. So uncut, yeah. Uncut, so snooters.
Wait, what?
It's a snutter, right?
It's called a snutter?
I believe so.
I've never.
If it still has its little turtleneck.
I'm a disgusting, foul person, and I've never heard that term.
What about aardvark? We just call them aardvark.
Yeah, sure. Aardvark is standard.
I love the idea that Bateman goes in to get a facelift, and the doctor says, no, just do the surprise face more.
Yeah, and could you take care of my snuts? How many snutters do you have? I've got three penises.
Sean, I cut you off 10 minutes ago. You cut me off 10 years ago, but that's okay. I was just going to tell a story about my mom who passed away like two or three years ago. God rest her soul. best mom in the whole wide world, darkest sense of humor. That's why it's okay to tell this story. She would even laugh at this.
And so when she was two years old, she had cancer and they removed her eye, the entire eye out of her socket. I knew that. And it wasn't until she passed away that I found her old medical records from when she was a kid and realized and learned that they took skin from around her vagina to reshape her eye socket. Oh my God. which was kind of astonishing back then.
But, you know, I shared this story with a friend of mine, and he said, wait a minute, you're just telling me this now? The whole time I knew her, I could have fucked her in the eye?
Oh, my God.
I thought you were going to say to her, everybody looked like a cunt.
Oh, my God. It's brilliant. That's better than everything I was working on. I had tear duct stuff. Oh, my God.
Okay.
Maya, I'm so sorry.
This is an X-rated show, right?
So listen.
God, that's really funny.
So I want to ask you seriously, back to Minnie, your mom. Your dad produced that record from your mom, right?
Yeah, they wrote a bunch of songs together and stuff.
So another common question, and I'm sorry, but I think you and your- Did I get laid?
Yes, I did. Did I get laid?
But did you, because you have a great singing voice too. Did you ever want to do albums and all that and sing and perform?
I think the performing part, yes, but the singing part I knew very early on that I did not have the vocal range of my mother.
Well, because you were surrounded by music the whole time.
Yeah, musical, but I don't have that kind of a voice. I mean, when the standard is like a seven octave range, you're sort of like, I'm good, but I like making music. I do like making music. I think now that I'm almost 50, I'll probably start publicly making music now that I'm not as afraid as I used to be.
How does one start? Is it like you start with jingles or?
Yeah, you know, like you write songs about lettuce. You're like.
Here we come.
Light and free. Cold and crispy. That's the way it should be. Crispy too. That's right, Bateman.
Swallow it down.
Firm yourself. Do any of your kids want to open their mouths and make sounds that sound like music?
They all seem to want to be filmmakers, so that's definitely happening.
Because your partner is Paul Thomas Anderson.
All of the above. He's all of those things. And they have iMovie, so they make a lot of... Movies all the time, which is pretty damn cute.
All four of them. Oh, that's great. Truly?
Mm-hmm.
When Archie was born, the night he was born, it was a Saturday night, and, of course, Amy didn't make the show that night.
We were supposed to do a Bronx beat that night.
You were supposed to do it. You're talking about Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live as your ex-wife?
Don't forget, Will, your OB died.
Our OB died the day before. So the day that... Wait, what? So it was the first time Ham was hosting SNL. Do you remember? So Ham was hosting and I was... John Ham. John Ham. Sean is like an audio chyron. And you know what?
And here's the thing. By the way, I have to jump in. So my sister and all her friends live in Wisconsin and they listen to these podcasts and she's like, I don't know what they're talking about half the time. They're throwing about names. So that's why I'm plugging in all these names because they don't.
You know what my advice to your sister is? Move.
Okay.
So anyway, that's fair enough. That's fair enough. So Jon Hamm, first time he's hosting. So we go and we're supposed to go to this doctor's appointment and the OB dies. He dies that day.
Are you being serious? That's crazy.
Yeah, he was old.
He was old.
He was very old.
Why was she seeing a guy on his death's doorstep? Did she get a deal on him or something like that? You feel like you get an OBGYN that's got a few more years left. A little more vibrant. So anyway, so we go in.
Sometimes you want the best. You go to the quality.
This guy had delivered, this is not a bit, the big thing was he had delivered Sophia Loren's baby back in the day, whatever. And we were like, that was great in like 1950.
Beautiful baby.
That was a beautiful baby. What a baby. But then apparently he forgot about it. But anyway, look. So anyway, we go in and Archie is born and we turn on the show that night and he's a couple hours old and Maya sang a song.
Oh, yeah. Kenan and I sang a song for little baby Archie.
Really?
Live? Yeah. Oh, that's so nice. Wow.
I'm nice sometimes, Sean. I really am.
Well, that's not coming through.
Uh-oh. Sorry, Wisconsin. You are the nicest.
I love you to death.
You know that. I know. I love you, too.
I want to ask you some more stuff, but can I go to SNL, which I know you're probably sick of talking about, or maybe you're not. But I... I'm cool. I hosted your first year of SNL. I was a host during your first year. Oh, I remember. And even then, I was like, as I was hosting, I was like, who is this master of comedy, this girl, who I'm falling in love with so quickly without as much as a date?
I remember the Facts of Life sketch so well that you put up, and it was... Mrs. Garrett stuck a carrot up her butt.
And that's why her hair's so red. Keep singing. These are the facts of life. I can't believe you remember that. That is insane.
Because I couldn't stop singing it afterwards.
Mrs. Garrett stuck a carrot up her butt. And that's why her hair's so red. Keep singing. Oh. But it's got, it's got, wait, it's got, wait, it's got a bunch of... These are the facts of life.
These are the facts of life. It was, it was... Who wrote that lyric? He did. Me and Raina got super stoned, and Raina's a friend of mine, and wrote this entire song called The Facts of Life, and it went through... Raina's a friend of Sean's who's a cook and who's a very good friend of Sean's.
Sorry, keep going. That's for Wisconsin. Yeah, good.
Uh-oh. You're such an asshole. What? All right, so wait. So back to SNL. So when you were there, and I know everybody asks this, but for anybody who's never been part of the institution of comedy, you know, that creates legends like you are now, and yes, you are. Thank you, Sean. You're welcome, Maya. No one said anything. Everyone always asks.
I did want to cut him off again because I feel like he might land the plane at some point during the fucking podcast. But I did want to say, you are comedy royalty to me. If anyone was listening to anything I've said over the last... 20 years. I reference you all the time. You do? Everybody does.
A certain level of sophistication in comedy, I will say, like Maya Rudolph, and people go, oh, I get it.
I swear to God. If you're only saying this for me being here today, I do appreciate it.
It's so true, Maya. You know how I feel. You are one of the comedy legends of history, for true.
People get it. It's a very efficient, economical way to say, oh, you would like some smart laughs. Got it.
Wow, that's a pretty large compliment. Thank you, my friend. It is absolutely true.
But I think that what Jason's getting to, not only are you known for that, but I will say that as somebody who has worked with you a bunch over the years, and Sean can attest to this too, and the three of us did work together as well,
There is nobody who's quicker or faster or better in the moment and can eke out, make anything funny, even if the scene is terrible and you want to throw it out and then find it in the trash and throw it out again because it's so bad.
You have the ability to make every, you bring just, you always bring the element, and this is I think the real, sort of the trademark of somebody who's really funny, you always bring in the element of surprise. I never know what you're going to do. And it's so every time it's so awesome. I always feel it's exciting doing a scene with you.
This is why getting old is great, because we all remember things a lot less than what really happened. So your memories, all of your memories of our time together are so vague. The humility and the deflection. I love it.
This is part of the intelligence.
But honestly, it is nice to appreciate. I will get honest from it. It's nice to appreciate each other as we age, isn't it? It's nice to have had fun together. Because my thing, once I started having kids and having to go to work, I realized, oh, I have to actually like what I'm doing today or I'm going to want to kill myself.
Because it's so depressing when you hate your job and you've left your beautiful babies at home. Yeah. All the time that I've spent with you guys and out in the world and doing things, I cherish those times because all I did was laugh my ass off.
So hard. I remember there's this one scene that you and I were in in the show called Up All Night that Will was also in with Christina Applegate. Sure. And those are my reference points, Will.
So what network was it on? Just people don't know. This was about the coke addicts, right?
So, and Maya, there was this scene where it wasn't quite there yet with just the rehearsal and the writing and us acting.
And we just were trying to- And I kept saying, is it in?
Yeah, right. And I said, I said, I said, if you can't feel it by now, it's never going to be. And we crafted the scene in such a way that we finally got it there. And then when we shot it, you made, like, to Will's point, you made it so funny, I couldn't breathe laughing. And it was in a house.
Oh, was it that Halloween thing where we were supposed to be dead or something? We were pretending to... Oh, God, I laughed. Sorry.
But, okay, so here's the thing. Now, you've accomplished something that... God, you really did your homework, Sean.
What's happening?
This is the obligation of the host, of the person who invites the guest. They need to be the adult. They need to have the question. And then the other two idiots get to just throw bombs from the sidelines.
So that's me and Will.
I've never seen this side of you, Sean.
Well, it's comforting, isn't it? It's welcome. But like to your point, if you tighten it up, it is. So... Okay, listen. Listen to me. Now, you've accomplished something. And now I'm going to compliment these other two jerks. You've accomplished something that even Jason will have accomplished. And I wanted to talk about this. You all came onto the scene as actors who excel in comedy.
And that's kind of what made you famous in the world. And you all have expanded your repertoire and kind of like crushing the dramatic work as well. Like I even told Jason on Ozark, it's the best work I've ever seen him do. He's incredible on the show. And when he cries, I cry. Very nice of you.
But his face hasn't changed.
But you both excelled at the drama work too. And I know that's hard to accomplish. But what's really hard to accomplish, and you guys have all done it, which is to hold on to a sense of where you came from and acknowledging your comedic roots.
Because I feel that a lot of people who are famous because of comedy immediately take themselves too seriously and then lose themselves in the journey to prove that they're more than that. And in doing so, sometimes they fail. I mean, do you know what I mean?
I think so.
I was guilty of that first season of Ozark. I had the head writer, showrunner, cut out all the comedy that he'd put. It wasn't a ton of comedy, but there were some things that were, and I was like, I was so like, people have to know that this is a drama, you know, and they're going to think that it's a comedy because I'm in it. It is a drama.
well exactly but like a great writer does throws in moments of levity to so you know and so i got less precious about that in the second season and i and people really like that about his writing and the third season as well so i got and that was the second season is when they stopped calling you precious on set right yep yeah yeah that was the end of that figured out what was causing it and put an end to it
I was going to say, I mean, you guys all know, I mean, comedy is just infinitely more difficult than drama over time. To be consistently, you know, funny, it's much harder than... Well, dying is easy.
Comedy is hard. I mean, I have to teach him all these old things.
Did you just make that up? You're brilliant.
Holy shit.
I mean, Jesus, we should give you an award.
Unreal. Write it down real quick. You're sitting at a desk.
Oh, I did. That's why I just read it off my page.
The truth is that, yeah, I mean, what you're saying, Will, is what I feel is like, you know, at a certain point you realize how also the comedy and the drama is few and far between, and you realize how serious and depressed you really are as a comedian internally, and then, like, it's all kind of part and parcel the same thing.
So all the little funny bits make the serious stuff real, and it's all kind of...
I like that movie you did with Krasinski where you guys were, it was funny, but you also had dramatic moments. John Krasinski from The Office. Jesus.
He was on The Office.
He was on The Office, Wisconsin. Sam Mendes directed, yeah? And Sam Mendes directed. And you guys, that was a great, and I said this when we made our little show Flake that not a lot of people saw that was on Netflix, but I used to say, people say, is it a comedy, a drama? I'm like- I don't know, when I wake up in the morning, you don't go like, today's going to be a comedy day.
Exactly.
Or today's going to be a drama day. I wanted it to feel like a representation of what a life experience is.
I mean, other than like Mel Brooks' house, I don't know that most comedy households are always funny, right?
No. They're probably real quiet.
They're probably really dark.
Yeah, for sure. Now, Maya, with all the years of experience that you have and the clear understanding, obviously, of the nuance of comedy as well as drama, do you have any desire to write anything long form or direct anything long form and kind of be the person that navigates all that stuff?
Directing, no. Directing, I absolutely don't ever want to do. And I think it's the amount of responsibility that's required that makes me... feel itchy and hot. Knowing that I have to make sure you've got this covered. It's like being the host of a party and making sure everybody's happy. I don't think that's in my nature, and I'm okay with that. That's why I live with a director.
I don't wanna be one. But I honestly enjoy the producerial side of giving my opinion, putting my time in. I mean, I feel like I'm going to be a forever writer in the way that I sort of just like haphazardly became a writer at SNL because... They just make you write. You don't have a choice. And no one really says, hey, you're a writer now. You're just like, I'm writing my sketches.
I don't have a choice. And it's really the only way to survive. So I think I'll continue to create what I do. But the directing part, I like to sit down and eat my lunch, you know? I don't...
I'd like to be a guest at the party, not host it.
Yeah, it's so stressful. And I love when people love doing it and I love to be a part of that. But I feel like there was a point in my life where I thought like, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. And then once I started realizing I don't, I'm not good at everything, and that's okay. I'm sort of like, yeah, there's no shame in that game.
My recollection of Maya on Up All Night is just like, we'd be shooting, shooting all day, and we'd be like, lunch, and then her dressing room was next to mine, and then knock on the door, and I'd be like, are we still shooting that scene after lunch? I mean, are we done with it? I'd be feeling the same way. I'd be like, I don't know. We both had little kids at home.
I don't know. I was nursing. Remember, I was nursing. Oh, yeah. Like, the baby was in the room. I was pumping. I was sweating all the time. Was that Jack who was just born? It was Jack, yeah. He just turned nine.
I want to ask you a serious question. I don't know if I'm going to get through it with my co-host, but here we go.
Okay, hang on. Let me get the stopwatch and go.
Your mom so sadly passed away when you were younger. I think you were six, seven, eight years old, something like that.
In the wheelhouse, yes.
Yeah, in that wheelhouse. And you're such an incredible mom, as I've seen firsthand. It always seems like your children comes first, which is the correct thing to do. Thank you.
And before anything else.
And you're always present, and it's what every kid wants. But does any part of you, when you were starting to have kids, did you have one of those real human fears of, oh, my God, what if what happened to me happens to my children and I'm not around? Is that going to happen in the future?
Oh, I'm still not sure that I'm doing this correctly. And I get weirded out all the time that I'm 48. And my mom was only 31 when she died. And I'm like, now what? How did I get to be older than my mother? It's so crazy. Like, I don't. I don't know how the hell we're all adults to begin with, let alone responsible for other people and in relationships and families. It's crazy.
What's your perfect ratio?
My perfect mate?
Your perfect ratio of work to parenting. Like, what are you doing today aside from this? Like, do you...
That's a great question. I appreciate that question. I'm going to do a little voiceover work later on this afternoon.
Who are you working for?
I'm working for a wonderful production called Bless the Hearts by our friend Emily Spivey. I love that. I love Emily Spivey. Oh, bless the hearts. Are they looking for any new characters?
God, that's good.
That was really good. Damn. It was sexy, but also a little bit scary.
Ooh, this guy.
And a little bit sad. Like, a little bit like... Well, you know why?
Because he's had a few, even though it's Wednesday. He said he wouldn't, but he did.
I thought he was constipated. He sounds a little... No, he had a few. He sounds like he needs water.
When ain't nobody was looking, he had a few. Or he's a self-asphyxiator there in the jack shack.
Oh, boy. You know what's funny? I did write, in the time that we've been on this, I did write a theme song for the Jack Shack. And it's called Jack Shack, shagging it up. Jack Shack, you can shack it.
Jack Shack, shagging it up. Jack Shack, shagging it up. Shack!
Get your jack on.
I love the end.
The end.
Shagging it up. Shack!
I wish we had an animated portion of this show. It'd be so good.
Maya used to do this character. We were going to do a video and I was going to be this French.
We'll pop the cork.
Pop the cork. And I was DJ Metro. It's just a French rapper. And it's just Maya and she's in just like, she's in Saint-Tropez and she's in, you know, Italy.
I like to celebrate. Pop the cork. Pop the cork. We would just say like, London. Pop the cork. Dubai. Israel.
I want to see you doing all these characters every week again. Damn it. I know.
I should answer your question because you bring something up, which is that I do every once in a while go, God, I should do that show. Or I should, when we were asking about creating and stuff, like, oh, yeah, I should create this show. And then I'm like, what am I saying? Then I'll never be home. I can't do that.
But I'm lucky enough to have a lot of talented friends, and I'll do like a little bit here and a little bit there.
And that's plenty for you. That's enough.
It's plenty. Sometimes I spread myself too thin and then everyone starts saying, no, now I'm ready to get back in the saddle and do it. But I also like to go home sometimes.
Have you been courageous enough to play with the idea of an empty nest at some point sometime deep, deep in the future? I say that because I have. And it just as much as I am, I love to be out and working. I love my kids. I love that they are here. And I think I'm going to be a mess when they go to college. For sure. You have that times two, right? Because I got two kids. You got four.
Yeah, and like when one of the kids isn't home and they're at a friend's house or something, you feel like, there's no one here. The house is so quiet. And it's such a strange. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. But maybe that's a good time to, you know, move back to New York and start all over again.
Yeah, there you go.
Go see Puppetry of the Penis with Ali.
Yeah, just do some sort of a sequel to Puppetry of the Penis. What would that be called?
I want to go back to the question I had about 30 minutes ago.
Yeah, Sean, definitely tee up another real question. Go ahead, Sean. What's number two?
I want to know because I want to know these things.
I know you do. And you know what, by the way? Yeah. Good for you. Thanks, guys.
I know. It's very responsible. It is very responsible. I feel like you brought me in and you're like, I have to ask her real questions or she's going to... Yeah, otherwise it's like they're just bits which I love. I don't care. You don't have to ask me anything real. Listen, you can ask me anything you want.
I love it. And so I want to know how you feel about me. No, I want to know. So... I want to know, like, because way back 30 minutes ago, and I was talking about Saturday Night Live, and how you've helped create that institution that it is. Everybody wants to know, what was it like getting the gig that you always dreamed of getting? Like, what was it like the first week?
Is it like the first week of school? And were you nervous? And like, how did you navigate around that?
That was crazy because I came in at the end of the 25th season and I had this really lame situation where I listened to like a bad manager. I was so young. And she said, don't audition. The new contracts are really binding. And I went, oh, okay. Like a fucking idiot. And so I did an audition, and then long story short, I was lucky enough that they asked me to come and do the last three shows.
So it was more like trial by fire, but it was the end of the season, so everyone knew each other already. It was like joining a school year with three weeks left. So I didn't know anybody, and everybody knew where to sit in the cafeteria kind of feeling. It just felt really bad and scary.
I didn't know that. You did not audition. No. So were you a part of the writing staff and they wanted to put you then on camera?
No, it was really confusing. It wasn't clear. They brought me and Zach Galifianakis and I think it was Jerry Minor. I think we were the three people that they brought out for this three-week trial period. But Zach and I didn't know what was going on. Zach said they brought – he had auditioned and then he said like they brought me out.
But they were just auditioning him as a writer, and he was really like, I don't know what's happening. We were a little bit confused.
Did Zach do the shows?
He wrote for three weeks. He and I shared an office, and we were both scratching our heads. I didn't know that either. What are we doing? I had no idea.
See, assholes, it's good I ask questions like that.
It is good. You know what, Sean? Great question. Great question, Sean. Can you string two together?
Well, that seems like it's very difficult.
I can't believe we've gotten to 30 minutes in and we haven't asked you whether you're excited or dreading the whole Kamala Harris for the next probably 12 years.
Can I just say, wouldn't that be a nice problem to have instead of this fucking shit pile of shit of shit mountain that we're living on?
We just had her on the show.
You did?
Literally the day before it was announced that she was on the ticket.
She's pretty fantastic.
She's awesome. She's amazing.
There's nothing there that isn't cool. It's like, hey, do you want to play a cool superhero? Like, yeah, sure. I'm good. Like, you know this. You know, you get to be Batman. And it's fun. It's fun to like be a cool person.
It's kind of what I'm known for, Batman. Oh, you're talking about Will?
Yeah. But once the, as Will calls it, the hoax virus goes away, you're going to have to fly back and forth to New York all the time. Are you going to be happy about that? That could get burdensome.
I don't know. I really am. I think I'm a little bit in denial of what is happening in the world and what's going to happen. I mean, is there going to be a live show?
It doesn't matter. You know what's going to happen. Maya, let's not play this game. We both know this game.
I like to play hard to get.
You don't have to start wiggling when you say that, Maya.
I still have my exercise tank on. I haven't exercised yet.
I haven't showered. I haven't showered yet. I need to take a shower. You don't want any of this.
Do you guys want Chinese chicken salads for lunch? Everybody? Everybody? Everybody's Chinese chicken salad? Let's get chin-chin. I want chin-chin.
Wait, is chin-chin still around? Yes. I get it all the time, and it's so fattening, I call it double chins.
Chin-chin is still the best. Just the Chinese chicken salad. I don't think I've ever had anything else.
It's the best. But you know that the conversation that's happening right now is, so Maya will come and do this show. She'll come Saturday, and then she'll come the next Saturday, and so Maya will come.
That's Will's attempt at Lorne Michaels' impression, everybody.
Wisconsin. Wisconsin.
He says, Sean, they don't need to know. Not everybody needs to know everything.
Lorne Michaels is my forever boss. I just decided the other day, like, he's my forever boss. He'll always be my boss. He'll be my friend. But no matter whether I ever work there again, he'll always be my forever boss.
Mia, Mia Rudolph.
Yes, sir.
You've been incredible.
It's Mia Randolph.
Here comes question three. Get ready. No, this is no more questions. I was going to wrap it up because I know you have kids to take care of.
Oh, you mean diapers to change? Scotty!
No, there's no more in diapers, right? You're done with diapers. I'm done with diapers. Yeah.
So I can't thank you enough for being here. And we love you very, very, very much.
I love you very much. That was way too short.
And even though we don't get to speak that often, I think about you all the time.
Really? Like all the time?
Yeah.
Hey, guys. That was so convincing. That was so convincing. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Sean. I do.
I really do.
I think about you all the time. You're always such a sweet little cookie puss.
Can you sing the Jack Shack song one more time as our sign-off?
Jack Shack, shangin' it up. Jack Shack, it's totally crispy. Jack Shack, 100%. 100% Jack Shack. Jack! It's totally crispy.
It's totally crispy.
Think about it. It could be.
Box of used socks sold separately.
I was going to say there should be a sock sponsor to that. Maya, super, super nice of you to do this.
That was really fun, you guys. It's nice to see you. This is one of those days where when I'm dying and I'm laying there shriveled up, I'm going to think about today and I'm going to have a big smile on my face.
Likewise. Look at that. Love you, Maya. You're the best. You're the best.
You're the best.
Thank you, Maya.
Bye, guys. Enjoy the rest of your day.
So nice to see you all.
You too. Bye. See you later. Bye.
Bye. Tongues included.
She winged that song, and it's going to be in my head for the rest of the day.
Jack, Jack. We were working on Up All Night, whatever, 10 years ago, and she said, what did you do this weekend? I said, I spent most of the weekend at my Jack Shack. And she was so enamored. She loved that idea. She thought it was the grossest expression. And she used to bring it up all the time. She's like, how's your Jack Shack?
Hey, is your Jack Shack taken this weekend?
I got it on Airbnb now.
Yeah, good. Anyway, I love her. We love her. I'm so glad. By the way, she's the kind of guest that we have on that we can just completely be ourselves and fuck around, and it's so fun.
She could guest host the show with us at any time. Yeah. Because she's so funny and so... And we love her and know her. And she's got such an ease and comfort. And she's just... Everything about her is the fucking best. I love hanging out with Maya. Yes. When I hosted Kimmel a couple years ago and... Oh, here we go. Yep. And the ratings spiked. The point is this.
I don't even know if sweeps are a thing, but I know it was a big deal to Jimmy and it got him a new contract. I don't even know how I started on this story. But the point is...
i needed a guest and i said remember jimmy's son was was was in the hospital and stuff and last night i went in there and i needed a guest i was like who can you count on in a pinch to come in and be funny and available and available and maya happened to drive by at that moment no and my i called maya because yeah because she's incredibly funny and quick and she saved my ass she made me look good yeah she's always she's always that jason have you ever worked with her
Yeah, she was on SNL the one time I hosted way back when, but I would love to. And I was serious. I have talked about her a lot in anything that I have half a say in. I've always wanted to more and more and more. I don't like what the kids are doing to her life and my ability to see her on camera more often. So I'd love to talk to her about that.
Maybe finding another place for those kids to live would be best for me. That's a start.
You should call Dave Becky and put a light of fire under his ass, you know?
Well, maybe Dave could babysit the kids and book her on a couple more things.
That'd be great. Dave Becky is her manager.
Thank you. Thanks, Sean. That's my Wisconsin accent.
Hey, thanks. Hey, guys, don't worry about it. I got it all sorted out. I just heard Sean said that Dave Becky's her manager, okay?
Yeah, no, Sean just straightened it out.
He straightened it out for us out here, okay? Don't worry, Dave. I guess he's some kind of Hollywood manager.
Anyway, great guest. I love her. I love you guys. Bye.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Sean. Bye. Smart.