This week were talking a strap on of sorts (the packer), how to get maternity leave as a non maternal, and the woes of AI (its taking all of our jobs, money and men - if you even want them)!! Enjoy!!ponsors:Arya: VISIT ARYA.FYI AND USE CODE GABBYWINDEY for 15% off today!Lume: GET 15% off ALL Lume products with our exclusive code-and if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40% off their Starter Pack! Use code GABBYWINDEY for 15% off your first purchase at LumeDeodorant.com.Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: What is the podcast 'A Strap in New York' about?
The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
And you know why you're here. So let's just get to it. Welcome to another episode of Long Winder. I'm your host. I'm your host. It's about 8.30 in the morning because I have a big flight coming up and I just smoked a pre-podcast ritual cig. First thing when I woke up. So now I have a good head buzz and I'm ready to get to it. I made myself a cup of coffee in an I Love NY mug.
Chapter 2: Why does Gabby Windey have mixed feelings about New York?
Oh, oh, what a contradiction. Oh, isn't that false? Oh, it should be a broken heart. I don't love NY. You guys know how I feel about New York. I don't love NY. No, because it's too exciting. There's too much going on. And then you have the dreaded FOMO just by being alive, knowing that the streets are hustling and bustling behind you.
And you're rotting like a corpse upstairs in your 33-square-foot apartment. And it's like, you know, you'd say, oh, but I like the people. I like the people. Yeah. Because each and every one of them are on some form of an amphetamine, prescriptive or otherwise. otherwise being a Celsius. I count that as meth in its purest form.
So it's not fit for a girl like me, but I have to go nonetheless because I'm a business woman. I'm wearing this, you'll see, and I have my Crocs on. These Crocs were given to me by Dear Media. And as I opened up the package, I'm like, I wish you would have given me the 50 extra dollars that it costs to make these into my paycheck because that's where it's coming out of.
And I haven't taken them off since. And then I thought to myself, should I just wear these to the airport? And then I'll have them when I'm in New York walking around. Walking around upstairs to support my feet upstairs in the shoebox of a hotel room. And then I was thinking, I won't be doing any walking around. There's not enough space. No, I might as well crawl.
Because you don't have to get anywhere fast in that tiny home of a hotel room. So I'm going to leave them behind. Regrettably. And here we are. But one exciting thing. that we have to look forward to in the New York scene is Robbie got a packer. Robbie got a new packer and we're gonna try it out. It's the little things, it's the little things.
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Chapter 3: What is a packer and why is it significant?
For all of you, for all of the straights who listen and thank God you're out there because I need every listen I can get, but I understand you're not so in the culture. You're not so in the know of what the lesbians are up to, and it might scare you a little. And don't say I didn't warn you. But you didn't come here to be safe. You didn't come here to be in an echo chamber.
You came here to learn about the various forms of strap-ons. That's right. And you know we like our strap-ons real. Very realistic. The closer it looks to your boyfriend's or ex-boyfriend's or no boyfriend's little dicky, the better. It's a bulge of sorts. It's not erect. It's a bulge that looks like said whatever boyfriend's flaccid dick.
That's what you would know because it's never been hard around you because he's gay. So it's a little bulge that you can put on your pants without said dick. You don't have the anatomy for it, Robbie. But it works for us because we both have a little something going on. She obviously has no titties. I'm used to engaging in penetration with the XY chromosome. Unfortunately, this is my history.
It's what we both know. So... You put it in your pants, and now you have a pee-pee. The penis of sorts. And it gets me excited because there's a little lump in her pants so I can rep up on it. It gives her sort of confidence. So maybe we go to the Cubby Hole, our favorite lesbian bar in New York, and maybe we bump and grind and really have a time of it.
So that's what I have to look forward to the most. is a silicone made flaccid dick with a pair of balls attached. Some don't opt for the balls. Some don't like the balls. Oh, it grosses me out. Well, I'm here for the anatomical accuracy of what you might see IRL because it's not the actual appendage that makes me want to retch. It's what's attached to it. the brain, the meaning behind it.
Or should I say, the lack of a brain, the lack of thee, that really I cannot stand. The dick on its own, totally fine. Attached to my girlfriend, even better. Yes, this is going to throw you for a loop, but this is sexuality. And we're having fun exploring, and this is what the lesbians are up to. This is why we're so pretentious. Because there's a workaround.
Because we know how to work around everything. So that's what I'm most excited for. And then everything else, not so much. Let me take a sip. Let me get a little caffeinated for you so I can really pop off in a way that you will not expect. Mm-hmm. Okay. And you know what? You know what? You'll never get a noise complaint if you have good taste in music, which is why nobody's complained on me.
I have two of the best speakers you could ever ask for blasting, blasting at all hours of the day. Sometimes it's the only way to make me feel alive. They say... They say, you know, for the depressos, we have it rough out here. I'm always looking for a hit of dopamine. I'm trying to lay off the weed, unfortunately.
Sometimes it's the only thing that can bring me joy because you get on the first hit, shh, Pow! There's the dopamine. I feel alive. An hour later, you're back to where you started, wanting to Sylvia Plath yourself. Anyways, so dancing, I feel like if you can get in the mood, if you can play some good music and do a little jig, it's also some dopamine. Maybe it's a little hack.
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Chapter 4: How does Gabby Windey deal with depression?
She was so happy. And then she jumped off her third story building only to leave her with a brain injury. She didn't even get lucky enough to die. So Gabby Benton has really helped with the anxiety so I can at least leave the house and have a conversation without wanting to crawl under a rock, without reinstating my agoraphobia. So now, and now my interactions can be pleasant.
So here's hope is what I'm trying to say is maybe don't lose all hope because it will get better. You just have to give it time. Whether it's medication, time heals all. Then I was thinking, what did get me through those years without medication of being massively, clinically, derangely depressed? It wasn't a hike. It was like, go outside, go in nature. No, that made me feel worse.
But it was the little things. A friend with a dinner. A dinner with a friend who could make you laugh over a dumpling. That could get me through until the next day. A co-worker that you like to talk shit with. That'll last you at least the 12 hours that you're grinding away. Looking at any other job on LinkedIn to get you out of that hellhole. There's hope.
And another thing that, you know, another thing that was a gabapentin of sorts that I didn't make the plunge until too late was a new couch, a new plush, fluffy couch from American Furniture. about five to $600. I did it too late because I could not afford it. And I didn't make it a priority to save the money to go buy a new couch. I already had a couch, but the couch was leather.
It wasn't as comfortable. I couldn't really get cozy while I was watching, while I was escaping from my life, watching the first, second, third season of Game of Thrones. And then I stopped after What Does Nuts Was killed off Robb Stark. He was the only thing that kept me going. Why do you have to die like that? But then I got a new couch that I could lay on like a cat.
spread my scent all over, rub up on it and really be comfortable. I drape myself on every arm, on every cushion. And I liked seeing something that I had worked for in my living room. Knowing that it was comfy as hell, I could take naps while the sun came in. That's what kind of vitamin D I would like from the inside. Then I could find a new show. I could enjoy a movie for once in my life.
So that is something also that you could think about. If you can afford, if not, look for a really plush couch on Facebook Marketplace. So that is my, that is your little dose of dopamine today. That's just a little, I hate to give advice. I hate it. Unsolicited, no way. Who gives a fuck what I say or what I think? You gotta figure it out on your own.
But I could help lead you in the right direction. You know, Robbie and I like to get down. We like to boink. We like to bang. We're always talking about our strap-ons, her new packer, maybe a little role play. We'll do anything to really spice things up. A new vibrator. We'll do it all, try anything once, and if we like it, twice. So who says long-term relationships have to be predictable?
Aria turns been there, done that into, whoa, let's do that again. I'd love to introduce you to Aria, a service for couples that makes it easy to break out of routine, deepen emotional connection, and energize their relationship with curated experiences called scenes.
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Chapter 5: What are the benefits of using Aria for relationships?
And some kind of newly installed speaker system. And what I can only imagine is a 1994 Toyota Corolla. I love a Toyota. That's not a diss. But his door is ajar to invite his prey in and then do what he wants with him. This is what I was assuming. Then it kept happening. Then it kept happening. Then I walked outside and I was like, oh. Oh, this is coming from an apartment. Maybe they're cleaning.
Maybe they're fucking all day because I know what kind of music that is. Frank Ocean, Bad Bunny's greatest hits, 2000s R&B. You want to tell me you're not rubbing one out to that? Ooh, it gets you in the mood and I'm going to let him. I'm not calling the cops. It's not bothering me none. And it's on a speaker with some reach. It's carrying through multiple walls to get to me in the living room.
It must be on a JBL, a Bose of sorts. This is good. This is really good. I'll take it. You're safe for now. Until you put something, something of a Frank Sinatra on, then it's what is the number to 911 you're done for. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because this did happen to me.
I shared a wall with a young lady who insisted, I'm sure not from her own will, but from her dirty, grubby boyfriend's. Every time he would come over for a meal, she would have Frank Sinatra on vinyl. Mixed with the homemade dinner. Girl, what are we doing? Why are you pulling out all the stops for this boyfriend? He's asking too much. We don't need to go down that route.
You have to make him work for it. Because I know you would never pick Frank Sinatra. Because who is? Because who is? And you might be thinking, why is she going in so hard on a musical great? Well, take a good look at yourself and don't you lie to me. Can you name one Frank Sinatra song? I didn't think so. No. No, you say it to sound cool.
He was the earliest of the musical talent and thank God for that because we've evolved. Now we have songs like Birthday Sex, which are objectively more pleasing to the ears, to your auditory system. That'll calm your nerves, not Frank Sinatra. You can't look at me in the face confidently and say, And say you know one Frank Sinatra album. And even further, can you deem it no skips? No way. No way.
No fucking way. No way. No way. You don't need to sound cool around here. I wouldn't believe you anyways. So there's skips in the album and it's on a record player. So you have to pick up the needle every time you don't like a song, which is all the songs and slowly put it down with the accuracy and precision to hopefully get you a song you can choke down, but you can't.
So now all your time's consumed. listening for your boyfriend. This would happen every Wednesday, Thursday night on the other side of the wall. I called the cops. They didn't come.
I don't want to listen to that when I'm trying to watch reruns of girls on my plush couch that I did travel with me all the way to LA because I need to see Hannah Horvath ruin her life and know that mine somehow is worse. She's a nepo. She got all the money from her parents. Hello.
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Chapter 6: Why does Gabby Windey critique certain music choices?
Oh, you're quirky? You're quirky and you're just a little silly. Why do you have to dumb yourself down for the man? No. No, because here, here we're not into any of that. Here we actively repel men. Get away. Get away from me far away. I'm going to fear monger. I'm going to talk shit. I'm going to gaslight the gaslighter. Get out of here in your bald ass head with your receding hairline.
I've said it once and I've said it again. You need hair plugs and hopefully they stick. Because I've seen a bad job. I've seen a bad hair plug job. And it's done nothing for you. Do your research. Do your due diligence. And get your ass to Turkey. We repel them here. And you might be thinking, oh, Gabby. Oh, Gabby, well, we just saw your gooch on your Instagram stories.
Well, that was in the name of fashion and design. That was a micro miniskirt that Paris Hilton wore. It's couture. It's avant-garde. So it's not for the man. It's for me. No, because all of you surrounding me, surrounding me are the women. And yes, I'm talking to you gay men. They're our allies and the husbands and some of the husbands that listen. Thank you for your service. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Salute to the long-winded. This is our country and you are a soldier. And then And then I'm like, okay, okay, what about the trad wife? This is also a conversation that's happening, the rise and the trad wife, the Norris myths of it all. So I was thinking about the trad wife and then I stopped thinking because there's not much to think about. They're not hurting us any.
No, they're always going to be there. They were never going to be in our side. If they want to run around the house with a bustle skirt, a tight corset, paired with some pearls, and fresh batter from their pink KitchenAid, so be it. So be it. We know. We know it's not easy to do all of that and rear. And rear your terrible two-toddler who just learned the words, no, fuck you, and I hate you.
How you're making anything from scratch with the words coming out of his mouth, I don't know. You want to make a homemade Gillette? Godspeed. Godspeed, I know you're hanging on by a thread. So I have compassion. We can't turn our backs on them. No, because hopefully one day they're going to convert.
Hopefully one day they're going to be on our side and we have to welcome them with open arms because we're building, we're building a country, a nation of righteous lesbians. And if we work hard and we give it enough time, they'll come. We need to channel our inner cult leader of sorts. Okay. Turn on your charisma. Lie to their face. Anything to reel them in.
Anything to make them really comfortable like they have something bigger to live for. Something bigger than a little alien who shits itself. But we can bring them too. We can't ask them to leave their children behind. We turn, we lean in to our preacher voice and we speak with confidence and spew lies, but benign lies. You can't just go for their money.
And then once we get them in our grasp as the lesbian of cult leaders, we're going to ship them off to the aisle of lesbos. And they'll go through a training. They'll go through training. And they'll aggressively scissor. And they'll come back to the mainland a changed person. Changed women. And then slowly but surely, we will increase our population.
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