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Chapter 1: What is the introduction to the episode?
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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible, this episode. Manipulative Mark sharpens sticks, enhances ornithology, then regally wrecks the greatest republic. Bohemian Bob makes an aquapark, bows to peer pressure, then removes the island's Patriots, Party, and Packers. Romantic Wade is loved up with cicada dare, picks on Pennsylvania...
The Windy City and the Lone Star. From popsicles to population loss. Yes! It's time for We Hate These States. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hello, welcome to Distractible. Thank you for joining us for another evening and or morning, or you're that weirdo that's staying up until midnight for when the episode releases. Hey, you're the best and weirdest of them all. Thank you.
But this is Distractible, the show where I'm the host and these two are the competitors in the game of my choosing, which is usually made up and half-fleshed out and not quite done, which is no exception on this episode. But before we get into any of that... We're going to discover what's going on in our lives or the world around us. It doesn't have to be our lives.
The world exists outside of this podcast. Oh, this is Bob and Wade. Sorry, I didn't even say that.
Oh, okay. I didn't want to step out of turn, but hello. Hi.
Hello.
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Chapter 2: What is the premise of downsizing states?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So she's been looking out for him and I didn't even know this was a thing. You can get binoculars that you put a battery in there and when you press a button, it'll literally stable it like it stabilizes a camera. All of a sudden the image, because holding binoculars is always like, and then you feel sick after a little bit. None of that. Press that button, instantly stable. It's awesome.
That's pretty sick. If anyone out there is looking for a good gift, it's not cheap. I believe it was 700 bucks for this one. But it was good. It was good binoculars. Well, for what it is, yeah. They're really nice, and with the image stabilization, they become infinitely more usable. You can just, like, you can track things and spot them. We were watching people climb up this mountain.
Amy saw a bird eat a tarantula.
Damn. Something about that is making me itchy. Probably the tarantula part. The bird eating the tarantula. Oh, yeah, it was fucked up. Like, that's like, wow, that's cool, but also a part of me is very much like, ah. Don't say that.
Yeah, well, the more disturbing part of it was that she was watching it dig in the ground, right? So she was like, oh, it might be going for, I didn't see it at the time. So this is the story. She was watching it dig in the ground and it was really scratching at it and it was flinging dirt everywhere. And it was kind of going at this hole that was already there.
And she wasn't sure if it was going after like a chipmunk or something. And then as it's digging for like five, six minutes here, it just pulls out. Like if my head is the bird size, massive, just tarantula. And she's seeing it all in extreme detail, gigantic. And what it made us realize that all the holes in the ground in the entire area were probably tarantulas.
Yeah, no, that is a thing. I think I've told this story once before on the show, but when we lived in the Bay Area, Mount Diablo is a big thing up there. You go up top of the mountain, there's an observatory. We went up, the first time I ever went up there, I think it was the first time Mandy did, we got up to the top. We just drove right to the top to see the observatory and the overlook.
and we got there and like you know people were milling around sort of talking to people and someone was like man if we were here two weeks earlier we just missed tarantula mating season and i was like i don't care for that but what happens and they were like oh all the tarantulas come out of their holes in the ground and they're all just frantically running around looking for other tarantulas to fuck
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Chapter 3: Which state is first on the chopping block?
He represents the current Browns organization. Yeah, well, wasn't that a mistake? The contract, the decision, all of it. Anyway, Pennsylvania. All right, okay.
Chapter 4: What reasons are given for eliminating Pennsylvania?
All right, okay, all right. Any veto, Bob?
No, I get it. Like, I don't have the same hatred in my heart as Wade does, but I get it. We don't need two Ohio's is kind of where I'm coming from. All right. And we already have. I'm assuming we all want Ohio to be in. So maybe we'll find out.
We'll find out.
I don't want to downsize my own department here.
All right. Pennsylvania gone. Cut out. Thrown in the Atlantic.
Pittsburgh is basically like other Cincinnati. Right, Wade? Sadly, kind of.
In some ways. All right, there you have it. Not so different after all.
That's the thing. It's projection, right? The reason he hates Pittsburgh so much is because he can see that it's like Cincinnati, but it's like a slightly bigger city with better sports teams. Yeah. Somehow all of their sports teams range from very slightly to substantially better than all of our sports teams.
But we get to make the decisions, so they lose.
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Chapter 5: Why is Illinois targeted for deletion?
Nope. No. I love Chicago. Fields Museum. The planetarium, the Shedd Aquarium. You think Newport Aquarium is cool? Which, again, not even in Ohio. You think Newport's cool? Shedd Aquarium, a whole other world of aquarium. I actually prefer Atlanta's aquarium, I'm being honest. Don't even get me started on Georgia. All right, calm down.
You're saving Chicago? Illinois has been cemented. That is going to last into the 13th.
I mean, let's be honest. I kept Chicago. I like Chicago. I don't know much about the rest of Illinois, but I love Chicago. I'm keeping that.
All right. Okay. All right. So Illinois is locked in. Now we got to move on. Bob, what do you propose? Let's go small. Rhode Island. Rhode Island. Rhode Island. Take that, Rhode Island.
I forgot we still had them. Yeah, no, that's the thing, right? It's like, what's even there? Providence, I assume, is all of Rhode Island. I don't even know what else is in Rhode Island.
I think there's one bridge just connecting two other states. There's probably lots of stuff, but no one ever talks about it. I don't know. Couldn't tell you. No, we always joke about how small it is, but I've never actually heard about anything that's there.
There was a TV show based in Rhode Island that my mom really liked in the 2000s. It was about a veterinarian who lived in Rhode Island. I think it was called Providence. That's the most I've ever heard about Rhode Island in my life. Get out of here. No offense.
Pettiness makes me want to veto just because you vetoed mine. But like, honestly, I don't know what I'd be saving. So I won't disagree.
Well, Molly, the 3D artist who worked on Iron Lung. See ya. is from Rhode Island, I believe. Not my movie. That's all right. You're right.
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Chapter 6: What arguments are made against Michigan?
I guess, yeah, they would rush into Philly would be, yeah, I guess. I don't think we want that. Take away that veto, Bob. Come on, give it to us. It's locked in.
Also, I was born in Michigan and almost all of my family's in Michigan, but.
So that was Bob's second veto. Now, Bob, it's back to you, though.
I'm ready. I'm ready to shed some dead weight. All right. Let's go for Oklahoma. Oklahoma. It seems a lot like northern Texas to me. No offense. It just seems a lot. It seems very similar. I feel like we only need one of those if we need any of them. And Oklahoma is not the one I think we should keep.
All right. Any objections? Can I object in the future? Do I have to object right now?
You don't have to veto. You could give a reason not to, but it's kind of his call.
Can I hold my veto? I potentially want to veto Oklahoma, but it's pending something else.
It would have to be now. It's now or never.
I feel like we could circle back. I'm totally, unless you have an opposition to it, Mark, I'm fine.
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Chapter 7: What states are proposed for elimination next?
I'm going to put a bookmark on Oklahoma, but I'll let it go for now.
I will let you put Oklahoma to the side, Bob, if you want, and you could pick another one, and then we could set Oklahoma over there.
We'll save that debate. All right, well, I've got a real winner here. No way you're going to oppose this unless it's another New Hampshire situation. Maine, just nip the tip. Just nip the tip off there.
I know a couple people from Maine. It's got to go.
It's got to go. All right, Maine, gone.
nip the tip tips been nipped wait all right let's get the big one out of the way here that i was gonna get rid of texas damn texas has some great places it's a big state love my time in austin honestly san antonio as well but like bob was saying about oklahoma do we really need it do we need good texas or do we need empty texas that's kind of the question you're posing i guess
No, I mean, it's like if you eliminate Texas is such I mean, OK, I'm I'm I'm just the arbitrator here. But I will say Texas is so large, so many resources just from a landmass perspective, like it touches completely different biomes. It's enormous. OK, we bleed it, then we discard it. That's not an option.
I disagree. But you did propose it. I'm proposing Texas. Look, let's just put the cards on the table. We have Florida. We've already got a problem child. Do we need Texas and Oklahoma? Do we need all three? Those are not even remotely similar types of things. They're problem children. They're different kinds of problem children, but they're problem children.
I'm trying to identify a pattern of what Wade's going for here, but I can't really piece it together. So, yeah. Don't try to get in here. You won't find a way. All right, Bob, that's just, do you veto it?
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Chapter 8: What are the final thoughts on the state downsizing?
It's a big time callback for those that are confused.
I don't even remember what that episode was. I just remember that bit and it sticks in my head.
Look, man, don't mock me like this. Don't mock me like this.
Good times, good times, good times.
Okay, wait.
Let's go Arizona. Out of here. Out of here. Too hot. They have some tuxens and some phoenixes. Grand canyons there, but, like, we can dig a ditch. There'll be cool canyons after all these states are gone.
Are we smooshing everything together, or is it lots of water in between here?
um let's see how it shakes out what looks prettier maybe it'll look pretty with all those other states gone and not smooth together yeah we're gonna become like a big island nation and be kind of crazy all right bob all right i don't know how people are gonna feel about this one but i'm gonna check out nevada i know vegas is fun had a lot of fun times in vegas not fun enough that i feel like i need that in my new country that we're constructing here
been there twice it's a it's a cool city i don't have that strong of a connection to it i gotta let it go gone all right it's gone bye-bye how many more eliminations do we have still need a good dozen or more don't we yeah it's it's a good bit left let's see all right let's get that other dakota out of here whichever one it was man it lasted a long time that other dakota well we were just keeping that one around because we knew how we felt about it get out of here
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