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Chapter 1: What is the theme of Nah, I'd Win (Part 3)?
Good evening, gentle listener and watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Maze-like Mark leads a terrible trio into catastrophic conundrums. Bragging Bob builds for his boy, plays in pizza. Grease Gary gets zapped and squashed, but escapes via estuary. Birthday boy White Whiskered Wade fucks his former day family, survives sex, and is victorious over Venus.
From calamitous cams to malevolent meteors, yes, it's time for Nah, I'd Win, Part 3. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Okay.
All right.
Okay. All right. Okay.
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Chapter 2: How does Mark come up with episode ideas?
I got it. Were you making fun of me? No, I thought we were doing a bit to start the episode. I was trying to participate. No, no. I was yes ending. Oh, I see. All right. All right.
well i i have it hi welcome to distractible i have an idea for this episode and i was thinking very hard about it and it only came to me right after the last episode that we've recorded and then i was like oh that's good and then i was like oh i got it And then I was like, oh, there's something wrong with it. And then I had to go think about it.
And now I'm completely unsure if this idea is going to work at all. But hey, that's a problem for future me. In about 15 minutes, I'm either going to have something or not have something. But in that interim, might be the only valuable part of this episode. So we're going to make it a good one. What episode? This is the name of the episode. Hey, man, I am brimming with confidence.
And you know who else is brimming with confidence? These two gentlemen right here. Bob and Wade. Hey, how's it going? Yeah, what's up? How's it going? I'm already having a good time. I love this. This is a great episode, Mark. Thank you. I'm just so sorry that the viewers, the listeners have had to miss out on watching Mark's creative process.
This will be the first time we do a cold open for a distractible episode. Yeah, maybe. Four minutes of thinking. If you didn't know, this is how I come up with all the plot points to heist in space. It is just me going... Trying to work it through. Well, you start off by beating yourself repeatedly on the head, and then came the... It's all going very good over here at Distractible HQ.
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Chapter 3: What woodworking project is Bob working on?
But how good is it? These gentlemen are going to tell me. How good is your lives going today? Guys, my woodworking journey... That was a bad whistle, but it's going well. Better than that whistle implies. I have legs of a... I'm building a table for James. Did you guys ever covet when you were kids like those train activity tables where you built the little wood, where you would train on it?
I'm building one for James. And I have almost all of my wood milled down and cut down to size, and I got pocket holes. I'm doing pocket holes, guys. I got a pocket hole jig, so I drilled a bunch of pocket holes. All I need now is plywood, but I don't have a car that you can fit sheets of plywood in, because I don't have a cool truck like Mark does.
So I have to go somewhere and trust the people who work at the store to cut my plywood down to size for me, which is not a thing I really trust them to do, but I'm sure it'll be fine. But then once I have that table, I also have some little cutoffs of hardwood I'm going to make. Get this.
napkin holder i like napkins i use them when i make the napkin holder i can bring it here and show it on camera it's like the restaurant ones where you have napkins on both sides or is it fancy so you only pull napkins from one side or it's not a dispenser it's like a it's like a holder you just set napkins that makes more sense it's not like an industrial restaurant thing it's like a home thing so i was picturing that i was like how do you make that out of wood but a holder makes more sense because that yeah it's like everything yeah bye mike
I just barely touched it. Apparently that's a little loose on my mic holder. It just straight up died. But a gunshot sounded at it. Anyway. I forgot to mention this last episode, but by the time these two episodes come out, my birthday will have passed.
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Chapter 4: How do Bob and Wade handle birthday traditions?
happy birthday yeah thank you i don't want to date the episode too much but it's not quite my birthday just close technically we'll be together at least one more time before then but like by the time this episode comes out it's still pretty fresh so yeah getting older we should do is that our episode and getting older probably that's why mark was so stressed about it i don't know okay do you guys have this thing where like i don't know if you care about your birthdays not at all
I don't really care about my birthday, but everyone makes such a big deal about birthdays. My family is all like, well, you got to do something. What do you want? What do you want for your birthday? It's like nothing. We could do a meal or something, I guess. No, no. You have to open a present on your birthday. You have to have dinner on your birthday. You have to do this on your birthday.
56.
2024.
Well, happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you. I'm like, it's not really that big of a deal, but I made my small talk about my birthday, therefore contradicting myself. You just make sure that everyone knows that that's coming just so that nobody forgets. Yeah, yeah. Don't forget it, but don't make a big thing about it, but I don't want you to not think of me. I'll send you flowers. It'll be low-key.
As long as it's not Thor flowers. What flowers? Because you're sending them low-key. Marvel jokes, are those still relevant? Yeah. Not to me. Okay. All right. Well, I didn't give a point for it, but I thought it was at least a little bit relevant. Not that relevant. Yeah, not that relevant. Anything else? Lexi's doing okay, but she has an infection.
Are those scarier right now than usual, or is it probably fine?
it's not she doesn't have any immunocompromised issues or anything it's just her incision has a infection which is tough on dogs because we've had like the donut on so she can't lick it and stuff but she's doing okay but it's fucking annoying because i can't get them to give me her goddamn medicine they prescribed her antibiotics but they sent it to just like to cvs which i don't know why it never occurred to me but the vet was like do you want us to send it to a pharmacy near you guys and i was like i don't know if we have any veterinary pharmacies and they're like
I just a CVS or whatever. Like it's the, I was like, you can do that. Oh my God. But it turns out CVS doesn't give a fuck about dogs. So it's been two straight days of me trying to get her medicine and failing so far, but I should have it tomorrow. You show up for the medicine. They're like, you don't look like Lexi. Are you sure you're Lexi? Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What challenges do Wade and his dog face?
This is why I thought it wouldn't come here because it's confusing for you people. Anyway, American health care sucks even when it's for dogs. So. I laugh, but inside I cry. I don't even want to talk about it, but I'm still in the throes of my... I talked about I need a prior authorization for my diabetes treatments. Still not settled.
I have about two weeks supply right now of what I need, and I'm not sure where my next ones are coming from because I have a prior authorization, but somehow that's not enough. You need a poster authorization as well. Prior auth, a during auth, and a post auth. You actually need to get the post authorization from a coroner.
But you have to know which coroner is going to intake your dead body when you die. So you have to go from your future coroner, and you're committed to that coroner once you get a post auth. Do you think people that make coffins have extra wood scraps you could use to make things? Not the salespeople, but the factories maybe.
But a lot of factories, their offcuts are all bundled up in specific places, so... I guess I'm thinking of very specific old, like, board caskets, whereas they're not really like that at funeral homes. You mean like old pine boxes, like it's the wild, wild west out here? No, I don't think that's how they do it anymore. I don't think I've ever seen anyone buried in a coffin like that anymore.
I know an expression about a coffin, of having a... Something about pine something something. Yeah, something like that. I remember it so vividly. Like it was yesterday. Yesterday. Yesterday. I'm going to fit him with a new pair of pine shoes. Oh, you're referencing the old phrases. I see. You're going to be sleeping with the squirrels. Pine shoes? I don't know. Pine overcoat.
Pine overcoat is the coffin. Pine overcoat. That was it. This episode is brought to you by Walmart. I'm a busy guy. I don't have time to grocery shop. I'm always busy, but more importantly, I'm very lazy. I like to have things delivered because it's convenient. Meat. What else people buy? You can choose the date and the time. You never feel more powerful. Walmart subscriptions.
Groceries and essentials delivered on repeat. Welcome to your Walmart. Shipping, delivery, and minimum order fees may apply. Eligible items only. Terms apply. All right, it's time for the idea. I'm excited. I hope you are. I just want to know what it is at this point. There's been a lot of buildup. A lot of buildup for something that I've been trying to imagine how it's going to go.
But.
I've got an even better one for you.
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Chapter 6: How is the Nah, I'd Win game played?
If you don't know what that is, it's the mushroom that is going to take over your brain and turn you into a zombie and force you to rise up high so that your head can explode and have other spores blast out and infect other ants around you. In fact, cordyceps is the main catalyst in The Last of Us.
that's not nerdy that's just a thing that's true so to be clear our goal here is to defeat cordyceps if you get infected you wouldn't die nah you'd win how all right there i am hive mentality going and gathering food for the ant colony when cordyceps lands on my head the first thing i do is scream get off me All right. I guess the shaking might help.
Scream!
Ah!
Damn it. Didn't make it. Got an 11. You get infected. You rise up high and your head explodes. Bob, remember, you have to recite everything he just said. Sure. Great.
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
I'm out gathering food for the colony, and a cordyceps lands on my head. And I... SCREAM! That doesn't do anything. And I remember that fungus goes on pizza. Ah, that's the stupidest thing I've ever thought in my life. Hang on. No, no, no. So I go to the old piece of pizza that's laying next to the anthill, and I just roll around in the pizza, try to get the fungus off of me. That might work.
It's greasy and cheesy, and there's tomato sauce, and I don't know. I'll give you that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. So that's another point. So there's plus two now. I gotta actually remember this, so. And, uh, oh!
so close you got a 17 plus 2 is a 19 no you were right there ah almost got it with the pizza but it was a dry old crusty pizza dust didn't come off your head explodes i don't think a pizza I love the pizza idea. All right. Yeah, it's a good idea. It's a good idea. You're right. Wade. There I am. An ant gathering food for the colony. Got hive mentality. Cordyceps dust lands on my head.
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Chapter 7: How do Bob and Wade strategize as animals in Nah, I'd Win?
So I go back to my egg, and I camouflage my face with egg. goop for some reason and i realize going towards the water is what they want me to do So I go the opposite direction from where I hear the ocean noises as fast as I can. I don't know if that's been in my science class. I've learned that that might be bad, but I like where you're going with it. I'm a maverick.
All the other sea turtles are sprinting towards the ocean and they're still dying. Clearly. I'll give you a plus one on that. I'll give you, I'll give it to you. Did it work?
plus three that's not great here's a five it turns out going the wrong way not great dead uh crushed by a car instantly smooshed uh wade i hatch out of the egg i am alive and i hear the water so i start making my way toward it before i realize i should probably have a disguise dunk my face back in the egg to stealth up and i think to myself all the other idiots are going that way what if i think outside the shell
i turn around i start going the other way and i find this weird stinky white kind of gray pile and i flip over and roll in it thinking if i cover myself in bird shit no one will want to eat me my face is covered in goop my shell's covered in shit i will survive all right i'll give it to you plus four Ooh, 14 plus four is 18. Close, but not quite. A lot of delaying does not seem to be helping you.
Delaying what? I'm already going the wrong way, man. All right, fair enough. Bob. I am born. I come out of the egg. I get all the shell off of me. I start towards the water sound. I realize I need a disguise. I go back to the egg. I dip my face in the egg. I get the disguise. I decide I'm going to be a maverick. Everyone else is going towards the water. I go away from the water.
I come across a mysterious pile of white stuff. I suddenly realize it's bird shit. Obviously, I need to roll around in that. So I do. My shell is now very, very slippery. I look to my right and there is a steep hill down into a small stream of rushing water. It's a, it's a, it's an estuary connecting the inland oceanic waters to the beach, all the rushing out towards the ocean.
And I just, and I try and like slide down the hill into the water to escape. All right. Yeah. Plus one. I'll give that to you. Did it work?
18 plus 5 23 the estuary what is that I don't think estuary is the right word no you're absolutely right a partially enclosed body of water where rivers meet the ocean mixing fresh water with salt water oh alright Bob is a maverick turtle congratulations Bob you made it into the ocean there's more threats in the ocean but you made it to the ocean No, I'm fine. Once you're in the ocean, safe.
Nah, I'd win. Nah, I'd live. All right. Wade, you're feeling a little something. A little something something. A little something something something. You look across the leaf. You're on. And you see the most beautiful lady praying mantis you've ever seen in your life.
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