Mark's life flashes before his very eyes, at the whim of Bob and Wade. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is Mark's One Man Show about?
From René Descartes to sempiternal stingers. Yes! It's time for Mark's One Man Show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
hi welcome to distractible this is a very special episode because even though i'm doing the intro i'm not the host for some reason i'm one man and this is my show and alongside me are the and friends bob and wade i feel like insulting us right as we're about to have total control over what you're about to do on a recorded video podcast is a bold choice but i'll take it oh
that's basically what i said wow that was my attempted muppet laugh i don't know if it worked yeah came right through that's what i thought i could tell by the reaction it was not Well, Mark has no idea what's about to happen during this episode.
It's called One Man Show, and I don't think Wade and I really came up with an idea that is a traditional old-school one-man show, but it will be Mark's show, and he is the man. We thought we could start with small talk. We're not trying to torture you every second of the whole thing. Some of it might be tough. We're all friends here, you know? I don't know why it has to be torture.
That's the thing. I thought that was the joke. I thought it was a punishment. Well, I mean, punishment or joyous occasion. Like, woo! It's like winning the lottery, you know? We hit the random chance that was really rare, and ooh! Never in my life have I bought a lottery ticket and then thought, man, I don't want that to happen ever. God, please don't. That's what I mean.
So it could be good, right? Maybe. It can't be that bad. It couldn't possibly be that bad. You're a funny guy, and we're stupid. So, you know, it'll be fine.
uh may i point you bob to subsections four and five if you say it can't be that bad it might have a couple of parts that's up to him how bad those are listen that's fair section four subsection a subsection i i see what you did there bob and i'm laughing but i can't say anything out loud It's fine. It'll be fine. I'm laughing too. I'm really excited for five more than anything. But small talk.
We always do this. How's everybody doing? Anyone got small talks? I went to a UC University of Cincinnati basketball game. Oddly enough, we all went to UC.
while attending i never once went to a basketball game i don't know why but i didn't i went to a game for a friend's birthday and uh he had like 20 people there so they got like one of the boxes it was 100 bucks a person from a box seat which is not bad but went to the uc game and uc played very well they actually won the game it was really fun and i had a friend convinced me that maybe a month ish from now i might be joining a basketball league for the first time in 15 years
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Chapter 2: Why is caffeine a topic of discussion?
i've heard chemically in your brain it's like caffeine only works in small amounts periodically and if you get used to it unless you hit your threshold of caffeine it acts as like a depressant instead and you kind of just generally doesn't work as well more relaxing than anything but then you you that's why you keep elevating the amount and up and up and up
I'm not trying to say that everyone out there shouldn't drink coffee or take caffeine. It's just that, like, ADHD medication is already a stimulant as it is. Like, Astaris is a milder one, but it's still a stimulant, and it still affects you, and then caffeine on top of that, it's just too many stimulants, probably not good for the body, not great for the systems, bad for the sleep.
And so I'm trying to fix all that.
That's admirable. I'm eternally jealous of people where caffeine is just like a thing they can do and it gives them like Mandy has that. Mandy is super sensitive to caffeine. And so like if she gets a bad night's sleep and the next morning is just like super rough, she could just be like, oh, man, I'm going to have a sip of Dr. Pepper. That will help.
And she has like half a Dr. Pepper and she's like, oh, the caffeine. I'm like, what the fuck is it? Dr. Pepper, what happened? Like, I wish I had that. God damn.
I wouldn't mind doing an energy drink or coffee or something when it's needed. Like, I need to stay up tonight and do something.
I better take this because that's what it's for, as opposed to just getting up every day and then taking it, which kind of defeats the purpose.
But again, everyone can do whatever they do. I don't want to upset the capitalist machine. No, Mark's right. Caffeine is the devil. Oh, no, no. Trinks your penis, I assume. Trinks your penis.
Let's look up information about that.
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Chapter 3: How does Mark tackle easy questions?
Everyone should be clapping. Everyone who's driving.
They are. They are. Take your hands off the wheel. Clap loudly. Roll your window down and stick your torso out and scream to the world. No, but seriously, car accidents while listening to this podcast have never been higher. Please be careful. Mark, are you prepared? What do I need to be prepared? You don't need to be prepared. You just need to brace yourself. Okay. All right.
Wade, do you want me to kick it off? By all means. Our first game today is a classic. It's one we've all enjoyed. The viewers have requested more of it. So I think it's time. We call this one Easy Questions. I thought you were going to say change. I was like, oh, God, no. Uh, no, we could add that in if you want that. No, no, it's okay. I don't need that. Easy questions, Mark.
When did we play that? Uh, well, there were 20 easy questions previously. Do you remember the wall? What was the wall? Built by the Roman emperor, the wall? Adrian's wall. I think you got this one, Mark. Is it the same questions? No, it's... Do you... What was the most commonly occurring, naturally occurring element on Earth? Do you remember, Mark? Do you remember? Astatine. Astatine.
Astatine. It's as. What about the treaty, Mark? What's the treaty? Winnebago. West Valley. West Valley.
No, it's okay. I know you know those ones because they're so easy. We have new easy questions, Mark. Okay, I'm ready. And you should know these. Some of them you've learned, like Wade taught us about philosophy. Most of them are science. He loves science. Space. I love science. Yeah, we'll just rotate, Bob. You ask one, I'll ask one, and we'll go through. Apollo 11, Mark.
You know things about space. Yeah. What programming language was used to write the Apollo 11 guidance computer software? Probably assembly. See? Good job! You know these. Another easy one. Which philosopher is credited with the quote, I think, therefore I am? I don't fucking know. Whitty's Whittle Philosophy Hour. We talked about this. One of the most well-known. At least top 20.
I think you made a series of jokes riffing on this exact quote. Matthew McConaughey. Are you talking about Matthew McConaughey?
I don't think that is the philosopher.
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Chapter 4: What are two-sentence horror stories?
I'm good. Paul, would you like to lead us off again? Sure. If there's anyone who didn't listen to that episode, you should go listen to it. Mark absolutely shines. I'm going to give Mark one sentence, and his job is to give me the second sentence to make a two-sentence horror story. You'll get it once we start going, but just in case.
The ground beneath my feet began to shift, and I knew something was wrong. Let him cook. Give him a sec. Give me it one more time. The ground beneath my feet began to shift, and I knew something was wrong. It's an earthquake! A spooky earthquake! Look, if you're not afraid of an earthquake, it's going to be scary. That's true.
I've only really ever experienced one earthquake in real life, and it was the babiest earthquake ever. I was live on stream when it happened, and I basically was just all... I think that was an earthquake. It was terrifying. For the half second before my body could process what was happening, it was like, oh, no, the house is collapsing or something. It's scary. I got another. I got another. Wait.
Wait. Cue me up that. Same one. The ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong.
Shut up.
Shut up. No, that does work as a moon worms, right? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Should we skip around through these a few Bob? We have a lot. I imagine we'll just pick out some of our favorites. If you have any favorites, you could skip right to them. I heard something faintly at first, but quickly approaching. So I turned around. I don't fucking know. Well, you know about turning around.
Yeah. I thought this was a softball. I heard something. Faintly at first, but quickly approaching. So I turned around.
That was the fastest ghost I've ever seen.
Oh, I like that. I like that. We're laughing, but I do like that. That's good. That's good. I like that. We're laughing more at your process of coming up with it. I don't know. What am I supposed to say? It just looks like you're being stabbed with a voodoo doll while you try to come up with these.
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Chapter 5: How do the hosts improvise with horror?
No, they're great. I love this.
How do I make a sandwich scary?
I don't know. What's in the sandwich? Scary stuff? I pulled out the divorce bread.
I got the mayonnaise that makes you old.
Oh, that's a tough balance. The old mayonnaise and the young mustard. Can I get it just right? Or the sandwich really fucks you up. All right, I'm ready. You wanted scary. I'll give you an unquestionably scary setup. I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had covered in sweat.
guys it's not gonna be good i believe in you i know it's not you can do it it's gonna be great it's the same it's the same thing guys it's great that's fine i dreamt i was in the scariest sauna you've ever seen
I like that. I like that. Ty's in the nightmare. Ty's in the covered in sweat. I like that.
I couldn't get sauna out of my head. It just was stuck there from the very beginning. I was like, why would he be sweating? Oh, sauna. Ready for one more? No.
Great. I opened my eyes and I was drifting, floating in the middle of the ocean, alone. That's already scary by itself. I don't need to make anything else. Period. Period. Period. Terrifying. There's already a period at the end of this. Fuck. Quote, parentheses. Yeah, parentheses. Oh no. Period. Parentheses. Said I. Alright, Bob, I'm learning a lesson.
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