Are You Garbage is back with America's Sweetheart, Ari Shaffir! We're talkin' cheating at the poker table, drinkin' beers and answering your garbage questions! You Know Ari Shaffir from Stand Up Comedy, Protect Our Parks, the Joe Rogan Experience, You Be Trippin, This is Not Happening, Kill Tony, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, The Tucker Carlson Show and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Tour Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Truewerk: Get 15 percent off your first order at https://truewerk.com/garbage This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp, Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the premise of 'Are You Garbage'?
No, it came afterwards because God sucks.
Oh, nowhere else I could think that I'd want more hair. More patchy hair. You must have been an odd-looking kid.
I have to say, this is my favorite Ari look. You look like a good-looking guy here. The beard's pretty good. Bald, but cool. Still pretty good. Sometimes you come in, it looks like you came in out of the fucking subway tunnel.
Sometimes I'm haggard.
Sometimes.
I get that homeless look going if I don't shave.
It's a coin flip of what Ari looks like. you're going to get. Yeah, you can look very debonair and suave. And even when you shave the top, sometimes that looks better.
Yeah.
You look put together.
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Chapter 2: How do comedians define garbage?
How come there's so much of that, man?
Yeah. One kid one time, I was... Put a dollar in your belly button? Like the Western Wall?
The Predator Foley? The Wailing Wall? Stuff and notes? Put little notes in his folds? I got Japanese thirst climbing on me.
Got me!
I just want world peace. Beat it.
Trying to take a nap here. You know those things that you shower in after when you're done on the beach, like the little public little sprinklers? I was in one of those. I was rinsing off some sand on me because I had been rolling around on the beach. And some Dorito dust on my back. It's like a dog. You get in there and it's like, whoo, shake. I'm biting at it.
And this kid was like, this kid pointed at me and he goes, Mommy, why is his belly so big?
Oh, that hurts. Because your mom's a whore.
Because your dad laughed. Now beat it. What did you do? I just started laughing. You know, you got to play. Little kids, you got to play along. I've been called Santa Claus a couple of times. Mommy, is that Santa Claus? Or daddy, is that Santa Claus? And you're on the bad list.
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Chapter 3: Who is Ari Shaffir and what has he done?
Are you going to start now, fucking five years in? What about this?
Johnny McLiars? In the winter. We both know where this is going. He does what he likes to call shutting it down. I like to read.
No, you go a day. Okay? Yeah. And then the next day goes again. You don't shower. Yeah. You really start to get into like a film and a feeling that I know is not good and probably somewhere in the depression sphere.
Oh, it helps. It helps. If you really want to be depressed and lean into it, no showering really gets you there.
Let that film build up and slide right on into it.
And then people leave you alone. It's like a compound disinterest.
Yeah, they distance themselves. Because I don't get, like, you strike me, and no disrespect, you strike me as a traditional B.O. kind of guy. Like, you got real hoagie smell, I would assume. Yeah, I'm not a curry guy. You're right up the middle.
Yeah, right up the middle of just, like, B.O.
I'm a fat guy B.O., a little bit of, it's like musky and sour. Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What are Ari's thoughts on poker?
Get you an Ibiza for the weekend.
And everyone's like, no one's near my booth. 20 feet away.
How many days did you make it? Adrian, we were flying to somewhere, Pittsburgh, and I saw her come back. I was in row seven. She was in row 15. She comes back past me after she sits down, and I'm like, what's going on? And then she goes back, and I'm like, what is it? She goes, I can't. Someone stinks.
They went back to inspect themselves to see if she wasn't just cairning, and they go, yeah, we'll get you. Really? Yeah, and I was like, how bad could it have been? When they were deplaning, I was taking my time because I was waiting for her, and it was like, oh, that's got to be them. They came down to me, and it was so bad. You should be, no, you can't be on this plane.
It's old, and it's a hackneyed premise, but the same sometimes you get in a car share or something, and you're going, how has nobody done it? This is wild.
Start with four stars. Yeah. You're maxing out at four. If everything's great, playlist is good and I get mints, max you can get is four if you got that BO.
I dated a Polish girl one time, her old man. Congratulations. Yeah, they really are dumb, huh? It's really cool. Nothing on this.
How many Polak jokes must there have been? Every time you get something wrong, it's like noise.
Her dad came over. Man, you didn't know what it was. The scent was nuts.
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Chapter 5: How do comedians view their own garbage behavior?
Visit BetterHelp.com slash garbage to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash garbage. Do it.
And, buddy, again, congratulations. We love you.
Thank you. Enough dicking around here. Let's get into the goddamn questions.
Oh, boy.
This is the first episode we've ever done kind of... He's got to do something. Here goes the fidgets. This is the first episode we've kind of done with you straight up. Because the first one you came in... Straight up as a first guess where we decided if you were garbage or not.
You wanted me to be impressed by your shuffling skills.
Holy shit. All right.
Well, let's start right there.
That is a question.
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Chapter 8: How do comedians handle personal hygiene?
Dude, we're doing blow.
We're doing blow. No, we got to keep the big man alive.
Yeah, we're doing blow. We're going to test it for fentanyl, and if it comes up with that squiggly line you can't tell, we're doing it one at a time.
One at a time, 10-minute intervals.
Yeah, 10-minute intervals. That's risky. You've got to wait an hour to see. An hour?
I got bloated, too.
Everybody catch up.
We'll put the Fitbit on.
Okay. Test the fentanyl.
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