Ari Shaffir
Appearances
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
On paper, I thought, I was like, this is going to be incredible. Honestly, kind of like slam ball. Yeah. On the trampoline. Slam ball was pretty great. I thought it was going to be incredible. They would take a fucking bull. XFL, trash, roller derby, trash.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That was a curveball, and I was like, wow. How old is she? Well, you should have investigated.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's the producers going like, we don't know. We'd love to find out. There's only one way to find out. I didn't feel like 16. I felt weird. Yeah, that's... But that law that they passed, it is helpful. I think it's good, yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
When they went to pass the law, you protested. Because any other time, you'd be like, yeah, go ahead, get rid of it. Until you're horny. Yeah. Then when you're horny, you go, what the fuck have they done? That's what I'm saying. What have they taken from us?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The pie was in the window sill, and you were going...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I announced the pie. You said I'm going to pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You needed me there to pull your hips.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And you can remember this when you're back on.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, you went into it sexual. I went into it strictly for the game. You went for the love. Sounds like a cool sport.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You shouldn't be seeing wild ladies. Yeah. This isn't even like a normal.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Last time I tried it, it was a month. It was in Edinburgh. It started in Ireland. And it was one night. Some old skank was like, I was like, nah. But then I was like, shut up. Because like three days later, I'm like, I'm not beating off. No porn or nothing. And then like two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And he was like, you want to hang out? I was like, yes, I do. Let's hang out. I'd like to. I'd love to talk to you. Let's go out. Yeah. So Ari, you've got the new special coming out. You were just in the Blockbuster, Nosferatu. What else? What's next? What's next? I thought the movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it. It's a fair guess. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I thought it was like, I was like, oh, cool. Like, you know, yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
i thought it was something like lying i swear to god i'm not being silly i thought it was a lion king spinoff i was like see what nosferatu i thought it was like mufasa it was a lot about gay fucking yeah i'm like what the hell it was gay sex it was a lot about gay innuendo gay fucking oh dang i was excited to see that remember that salt lake city uh documentary about that guy who who stole that kid and fucked her and then the parents like hey where's our kid yes hilarious and then he fucked the mom you know what i mean yeah and then later the dad was like
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Guy ruled. And then kidnapped the daughter or something. Was that the same one where he was like, I'm an alien? Yeah, I think so. Put her in the back of an RV with a walkie-talkie. It was like, this is from outer space. You have to have sex.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The Utes are, yeah. But that's what Nosferatu is, pretty much. He's fucking everybody. What? Making them all jealous of each other. Is he a horny fucking vampire? Yeah, everywhere else was horny, and then it was all about, like, love triangle, and, like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'm like, yeah, I take that one chick and they just launch her. Yeah, that's fun. And then someone else is like, close line. You're like, oh, fuck, why'd you launch me? Yeah, it's nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, that's like prison. Right? No, no, no. It's not like prison because in prison you only have the option of gay sex. Yeah, but you've, you know. You justified that quick, bro. It's prison. You're in a prison of eternity. I think you get bored and you're like, none of this matters. There's no God. I'm not going to heaven. True. That part's out. Yeah, but also you're a vampire. You're very gay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've got to dress gay. Flying around.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Dude, no names in the national title. I can't wait to see what they do.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You'd give it up. Yeah, true. And then if you were like a villager, you'd be like, I want to fuck Nosferatu.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Just get like a job. Yeah, that'd be pretty tight. Yeah, yeah. Does he just appear in people's rooms at night or something? No, they have to go find him. They find him and he fucks them? He appeared in this one chick's, spoiler alert, he cheered at this one chick's dreams and like fucked her when she was probably like 11 or something, but like adult back then. Romania adult. Probably 13.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
In the movie? Yeah. yeah and then like disappeared but pretty much just subtext going wait for me i'll test you she goes i will and then 30 years she's gone she's like well i found another guy and he was like no that's not cool and then calls for that other guy and fucks the guy fucks and bleeds him oh sick yeah well little fucky sucky little fucking suck
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They're all kind of, yeah, they're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts. Yeah, true. You know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And then just so he can tell the lady, he's like, oh, your husband, he's not.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I fucked your husband and killed him.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Didn't kill him, sent him back. As like a bitch, as like a punk. That's what they say in prison, right, Nate? Is it punk?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I ain't no punk, I'm a, you a new fool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yeah what's uh yeah it was like girls they wear like you know i mean they have like throwback tattoos of yeah they were like um what's that word i'm looking for uh what's it betty rockabilly is that it no burlesque i'm thinking of burlesque dancers yeah it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other yeah burlesque dance you've ever felt you've ever gotten into that
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You ever felt bad about it, like the machinist? The what? He felt bad. He was like, I'd rather be in there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Chief status, sir. It's true. He's doing well. He was kind of a top boy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, which is like, yeah. Yeah, he was. He was just like. That's what they call his butt. The jizz lane. You know SPR.org? No, what's that? It's supposed to be for understanding and stuff, but it's stopprisonrape.org. And it was just like survivor's tales and stuff. You're not supposed to laugh
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
for months at a time at it but yeah it's like poems and stuff what is a poem about the number seven the seventh guy to gang rape him and he goes that's when i fell in love because he was nice oh my he whispered he whispered this will be over soon he goes oh this guy cares holy shit yeah it's really crazy man they get in there and they go full like girlfriend mode and it's like and dudes are just like kind of pumped to be a girlfriend
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Which, it sucks that that's what it is and it's not Shot Caller. You know what I mean? The movie Shot Caller, the guy gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis. That's everybody's dream. Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI and become the head Nazi in a prison. Yeah, because you have to. But in reality, you're going to get a DUI and just be a punk.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You don't have to? No, you don't have to be a punk. What if you're good looking? What if you're a dreamboat?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'd be punked. No way. What's the nod? You? No, just definitely not you. Oh. You think guys would fuck you? I hope not. I hope not, Shane. I'm not looking for it. But you said you'd be punked. You'd be a punk. I feel like I would. Of the three of us? No, you first. You're the cutest. I would be punked. You're the most handsome. How would you avoid it?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, you'd be fucked in there. Like Klinger from Ash? You'd get fucked in there. I know. I'm like, I'm bald.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Who wants to get filter fish for protection?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yeah what does happen to the jews in there that you just have to join the arian brotherhood no they don't want them and the blacks don't want them you're technically others but i think a lot of jews probably join up with white people and they usually kind of keep it like i had a uh remember those amazing racist videos so a white power website found it the white white revolution.com and so they loved it but also they didn't love this so the headline was jew boys got the right idea yeah that's funny yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. I don't know if Jew Man would have been nice. Yeah, true, true. Come on, some respect. Didn't have to diminish you. Put some respect on her name.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
i've had to do stand-up shows at some of those and again something i thought i'd be into the exactly you see the dancing you know it's the same as stand-up fucking the low-level ones they're like please come free drinks yeah yeah burlesque is pretty i like yeah the same way i'm like oh yeah it's gonna be awesome and you're like this is this sucks i don't even want to see these girls do this and you're like take it all off like we don't take it all off we take some off
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
hail storm what's the storm front storm front what storm front isn't that the that's the white nationalist is it really yeah that's their like publication i think so this is what else we got going on
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, yeah. You've been getting... Yeah, maca root, dude. If you take maca root... You've been performance enhancing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'll get hard right now. Let's change the arc of this podcast. That'd be pretty tight. I don't know. These guys are battling. You've got boners. You've got a special. I'm playing hell that loose. They got a new hat. That's it. Pretty much. But don't you think they should have ops? These guys, yeah. I think there should be some conflict. What's ops? Opposition.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They should be battling their contemporaries.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice fucking guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me. They're like, Ari's great. He's so nice. He helps other cops. I know he's a fucking devil. Only when the cameras are on, I'll give a dollar to an open mic-er. You're a sack of shit. And then I'll take it back. Well, yeah, it's exciting stuff, dude. Thanks.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yeah who do you think you match up with in the the squad the kill tony squad versus you guys maybe like uh aaron it's got to be it's a lot yeah blouse the man dude he might i know he's cool he ain't gonna do to you i think i could take already maddie versus james mccann we got yeah we got to battle our foreigners yeah the foreigners neighbors Cam. I mean, I guess LaMare.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Well, finish off Belial fast. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I mean, LaMare's getting winded fast. No, he's the juggernaut.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Just run at them with his hands out. Yeah. That's the Gardini guarantee. It's a good guarantee. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
All I got is hell let loose. You're a subject master.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, he was hitting him with like, you're a young guy. He's like, I'm an old guy. I've been around. What you've done is pretty impressive so far. Good job, son. He just beat him. Fuck off. And then he beat him. Was he negative though?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The coach has a straight. He was just saying, oh, I wish I had hair like that. He's like, how old are you, man? God damn. So nice. You're so young. That's pretty funny. Just kind of like. Kind of a nice psych out. I think he might have been trying to get in his head. That's a nice psych out. Yeah, it's kind of nice. Because you know he feels that. I don't belong. I don't belong.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, it's like librarians. It is. Librarians showing their fucking underwear.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I lost to Northern Illinois University. Matt, have we discussed that clip? What? You called it. What? When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois. Yeah, they're going to fucking come back here. Fucking shit's over. Yeah, you called me a girl. Got to burn it down. I said this is a girlfriend opinion. But I also did say I agree with it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I was like, right now you're giving me a girlfriend? Because after the loss, I was like, this is like a season. This is like a five-year loss. This is going to cost us. It's not just you lost to Clemson. Yeah. I thought it was like programs fucked for five years. If not for the 12th team playoff. And then Matt was like. It's a galvanizing moment.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Matt was like, or they could come together in unity with this shared depression and rise out of it and go undefeated. That's what he said. I was like, Matt, I love you, but that's a girlfriend opinion.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
and then i said also deep down inside yes i 100 believe that that is what is going to happen you see him at the press conference after penn state he was saying that about oh yeah yeah whatever they came together and then he panned over to the to them to like the stars he goes like i'll take an answer this one and it's just two children oh yeah yeah we did our best yeah yeah That's Riley Lane.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's the quarterback. He's a good Christian boy. Really? A young boy just having fun for the Lord. That's awesome.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They're not masturbating. They're not watching porn. They're not having sex. I don't think they are. I don't want to comment on the boys' jacket off.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Why are you doing this? Does Dewey Decimal not pay well?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Get this. This is the first I'm hearing about this.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No. I stand strongly against burlesque. We're against that. What else is going on?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Plug a show. Rip it, bro. Hurry up. And don't be weird and bashful. Talk like a man. Hello. Get in front of the fucking camera and talk.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK. I was supposed to only do Dublin and London, but my greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday. Please come. It's gonna be awesome. It is gonna be fun. But no, I'm trying to think. Matt, what's going on, dude? Fired up.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Renizzisi's mom and dad told me that. Because they had Vatican III, they were like, people were upset. And they're like, we remember our parents going, that's not Christianity. You don't face us. That's crazy. Was Vatican II in the 30s? Or when was that? I thought it was in the 50s or 60s. 50s or 60s, I thought. Oh, okay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And the priest went, oh. Yeah, he went, I like you. God, I didn't know what was going on in here. I didn't know it was popular. How old are they? That was the big come up of Vatican II was just turn around. That was the big.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And it was Latin mass, yeah. Changed from Latin to English.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, they shake their tits with tassels on them. In front of other weirdos, like five weirdos in a room. Yeah. Long haired, skinny boyfriends just sitting there and just. They always have those scarves that don't actually warm them. Yeah. It's just loose feathers. Decorative scarf. Yeah. Something's flying right now. This podcast is flying. I can feel it. We're going to catch something.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I want to get a good homily. What's a homily? Give me one. I'm open for it. The homily is just when the priest reads something, and then he breaks it down. Yeah, he reads the Bible. This is basically the message for this week. It's for our Torah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And then it'll be like, you know- The non-Jibberish part. Uh-huh. And then it's like, you know- What you should take from that. Your part. We're talking about your part. Oh, the non-Jibberish part. The Jibberish part. Why am I the Jibberish part? No, we like the New Testament part.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Don't you have like six guys saying the same shit in different words? No. Mark and Tony and Bobby and whatever? Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, dude, don't fucking disrespect the boys. I don't even know what the fucking Torah... What do you guys do? What do you know what we do? I don't even know what you guys do. Pray. Just Star Wars. It's the same thing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's like the past is just weak. They were battling in the desert. What can we learn from that? It's that, hey, if you have sand up your ass, maybe you should also wipe or whatever. Whatever the message is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That was so fucking sick. Honestly, that's what me and my friends do. Go to a bar once a week and go, dude, senior year, we could have beat Lancaster Catholic. That battle with Lancaster Catholic. Huh? What else is going on? That's pretty much all we did, too.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It just wasn't right socially. It was not right. Pissed off a lot of people. Angry people pissed off. Nice people it made happy. But it was tough to talk to you. As long as I could talk sideways to you. The best at the cellar, we'd all be talking and someone would be over there. And it'd be like five minutes of Matty Wiener. And then you're like this.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What? No, I was just trying to have a real conversation with you. Yeah, you're just being silly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
How did that go? A lot of angry people got mad? A lot of angry customers, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is funny. John's got to find him in a room like Taken when he finds his daughter. Yeah, this is good stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Let's let's talk. Hell let loose. The newest hit video game in my mind. Oh, yeah. Hell let loose. I've been playing as the Nazis.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Nice, nice. He should just keep making them the exact same story, just with different cartoon characters. That'd be sweet. Heathcliff, you got to go to Heathcliff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, you showed me the drawings.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
course you are you were like you need a cheat code i won't be regular show me the cheat code you don't get to pick which team they put you on but when i do get the nazis a part of me goes i love it shane's like i'll just i'll work the chambers no i'll just work all sims it true do they have the chambers in the game No. It's realistic, bro. They didn't exist. It's a realistic game.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You want to sell some tickets? There was a lot of homies. Yeah, I had 45 minutes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I know. Because I was going to say, if you were in Atlanta, you'd see them. I know, that's what I was... And they would all sass you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, it's fucking nice. I do like that.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
dude she hates me i i uber or whatever uh door dashed a thermometer she's like 102 or what i was like 106 shit 106 in park she's one of the black person has a fever i have a fever of 106 in park 106 in park that'd be so dangerous but dude she had a fucking she had the flu did she ever hit you back with i told you you need to drink water yes yeah i mean i'm in that deadlock right now every day
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Have you drank enough water? All I do is drink water. I chug water. Don't talk to me about drinking water.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is offensive when someone's like, do you drink any water? Yeah, of course I do. What do I smell like?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
dude they don't drink water they're literally cats that was her fucking that was like her hamster bottle i'm like peeping the level i'm like dude it went down that much yeah you had a sip of water some fucking water i'm sorry i'm like so then my sister she has to put those fucking like flavors flavor packs it's like just drink the fucking drink the fucking water not everything has to be soda they won't do it it's crazy i get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee they hit you with the every woman hits you with the fucking i didn't get a good night's sleep
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What are you laughing about? It's a realistic game. Too realistic.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It fucking sucks to be a chick. It does suck to be a chick.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
did you every single lady rejects the show why do you do why do i gotta do the thing i love doing and i do for money yeah and then you knew was coming on the schedule for three months straight you knew it's coming why do i do it i go out every oh why are you doing and then there's no show weekends like what do you want to do let's just watch let's just watch some shows yeah that's what you need to be home for that yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's so funny when you talk to old Europeans about it, and they're like, we were talking about the Slovaks, they took it too, and a lot of different people took it hard, and they're like, the gypsies too, and everyone's like, yeah, but they deserve it. Even the Jews are like, come on. Who in your family died in the Holocaust? None of them that I knew. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, obviously.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, I got a good one. That got me. I did San Antonio and Dallas, and I like to come out to dire straits, money for nothing. Nice. Usually hits. When it doesn't hit, I felt like a real turd. I was expecting a very ruckus applause. Yeah. Kind of mediocre. I just walked out. I was like, hey, guys. That was pretty intense, huh? Who was that guitarist, Shane? That's pretty sick. It's nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world. I've never seen him. He just hit before MTV. The lead singer of Dire Straits. The guy from Genesis. They both couldn't have existed once MTV came around. Who from Genesis? The main guy, not the one who left, but the one who stayed.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
He was in an interview once. He goes, I could never make it now. I'm so ugly. I'm mutually gifted. I don't know how to comb my hair. Dire Straits is some ugly-ass bull.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Wow, wow. Dire Straits. Oh, wow. Let me see. I know. They're not the worst crew. That guy sucks. That guy sucks. I could see you guys coming over as a rock star.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What's his name? Dee Snider was the brother. He was an ugly-ass bull. Mm-hmm. Yeah ugly rock stars a sick life cuz also love making up for lost time Yeah, this is what I should have done in high school true. Yeah, then some Twisted sister looks like fucking even fighters Really? It kind of give me in finance vibes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, this guy seems like one of the ugly Dee Snider, that's why they have a big hair to cover it up.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, I Dee Snider's a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like, I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from. I think Twisted Sister. Who the fuck is Twisted Sister? What's her second biggest hit? We're not gonna take it. What's her second biggest hit? And then it's... Every rose, every rose. Why would you even look at me?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's a good one. The kids are back. Nobody knows that one. Yeah, you do. It was in, I think it was in Jackass. Sing it all the way through. Toast to Sister Rules. No one knows this yet. This was in Jackass. This is good. I think I know the chorus.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
All my dad's greater family, none of his direct. Damn, just like cousins and stuff. Like 35 of them gone. Your grandpa? He survived. Grandma, grandpa, dad, all sisters, and then one of the grandma's brothers.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It hit him hard. It did hit him hard. Late 90s, early 2000s.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It was Tony Hawk era. No, Tony Hawk was way before the 90s.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I saw them at Webster Hall once. Yeah. Did you really? Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Damn, that was legitimately a great act out of a musician. Musical instrument.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. It was really good. Nailed it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Please, don't get shy, bro. I know you're shy. Wet your whistle. Wow. The end was incredible. Took that all the way in. Yeah, really pulled it. That's a bold move.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. You need redemption at the national title. I know, to kick the ball. What do you think about heading down Atlanta way on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title? I might have to. You tried when it missed? Yeah. It was close. How many yards? It was fucking pretty far, dude. It was probably like a 30-yard field goal. 30-yard. Nobody's watching. Nobody's trying to block. No.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Thousands of people. Millions of people on TV. Nobody's blocking, though. No. It's a free kick.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It would have helped. Yeah. Yeah, true.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I would have elevated a little bit. 30 yards.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
How close were you? It was a good boot, dude. It was... Did you try one? No. Because you knew you wouldn't do it. I would have fallen down. Charlie Browned yourself. The weirdest part was I went for it. So every week, college game day, they pick a college student to kick. And if the kid makes it, they give them like half a million dollars or $200,000. Damn. Because the kids never make it really.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
But Matt went on and kicked it just kind of like as a fun one. And then the kid... who kicked it, tried as hard as he fell twice. Fell? Yeah, it was slippery, dude. It was slippery. I would have torn my ACL doing that. I saw a big dog do that on game day. I heard about that. He was warming up for it and fucking ripped his knee. And got hurt. Wow. Got a couple of brewskis. It's slick.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You go, I got to kick this. Everyone's watching.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, he was trying to kick through.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's when you can get your leg up to there though. Whoa, chill. Yo, chill, bro.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yes. I should have just done that. Fuck. You are accurate. Fuck. Yes. Maybe. Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in Australia, Aussie football game. And then halftime, they had this thing where you have to go up and do a fair catch. And then they try to hit you. And so they had a guy with a mattress hitting people. Like, do a fair catch. We're going to mattress fucking pummel you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, see if you can do it? Yeah. One guy missed. You know, they pummel them. Another guy, like, catches it. falls over, and everyone's like, he got it! And then the ball just rolls away, and we're all like, he's out. Game time went like that, and the ball just slowly went away. There was a third guy who was gonna go, and they're like, game's over, game's over. Fuck that guy up. Oh, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I mean, that's a really evil thing to say. No, it's just funny.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I got into the slap league algorithm this week.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No, I thought they all got knocked out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Every time it's Dana White, like, I can't believe that happened. He wasn't guarding himself. He was going to get slapped.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is disarming when a guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move and he's like, oh, I'm going to fuck you up, bitch. He's about to slap you next.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yes dude i'm hip you are this guy out of control last night he met joe burrow and goes where did you go to school lsu you fool i'm sorry yeah and he doesn't even know the diplomats yeah diplomats i thought that was like public knowledge diplo yeah he's cool he's not not quite what is that local they were just like an earth like a 2000 oh boy hey ma
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What is that? I'm just saying, it's kind of weird. Suss? How'd you get out of that? Well, I regret that joke. I regret that one already. It's so funny.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Is Jim Jones the one who gave out his number? That was Mike Jones. Sorry, go ahead. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's tough to get hard at that age. Sorry, I missed it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Woke up rock hard this morning. I was delighted. Yeah, morning when you don't need it. It's great. I tried my best to use it. I get a boner with my dog a lot. You get a boner around your dog? Dogs like cuddling sometimes. I'm just like fucking. Straight body heat. Trying to move it away from him. Yeah. But he knows. He knows. More masks than before. Yeah. He loves it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
He's like, yeah, you better fucking roll over.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, you better fucking sit, dude. You felt your fucking dad's body. Sit. What kind of dog do you have? Just like this size. Yo, flesh. Sweet little flashlight, that dog. Oh, yeah. Little fleshy. Were you about to say you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling? Yeah, do you think? All of us, right? Definitely. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Especially when you think about it, there were 30-something. They weren't even, like, old. Oh, yeah, for sure. Exactly. They were, like, a young man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, it sucks though because you wake up in the morning and you're like, damn, this is the hardest I've ever been. And then you walk to the bathroom or the shower and you see you're fully erect and you go, God. Damn, I thought this thing was bigger. This thing felt so much bigger than it is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Just kind of wobbles while you walk.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You were trying to bend a boner? Like real tough and trying to like... No, dude. Oh, yeah. That's great. You do? Oh, yeah. Nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
My brother's kid started saying sus. He's like eight. And my brother was like, he's so creative. And I'm like, that's like a term. He goes, oh, fuck. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You can try to. Just try to. Yeah, squeeze it to the top, you know, like one of those pixie sticks. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No, I don't fucking bend my bones. You're an absolute creep. I know. I know. That's crazy. That's disgusting. I would never do that. I thought I was kidding you. I would never do that. That was a good boner check-in. Just check in on everybody's rock hard boner. How are you doing? Because that is a non-boner outfit you're wearing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, because that's when it's the most fun. You have a couple drinks, you go, I don't give a fuck what I look like. I don't care how I sound.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
A little buzz, you go, hey, that's no problem. How about a sober no? How could you? I thought you loved me.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And what would you do if I said no? You would literally cry. If you asked me to go down on you and I said no, you would cry. No, I don't want it anymore.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Fortnite. Yeah, the Fortnite dance rules.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No sex involved, no hand. I like to reserve the option. That's the McRib. The beach comes out once in a blue moon and you go, the McRib is back. Start to finish. I don't know where it came from. Nobody even told me it was coming. That's the point of the bending. That's the period. That's the time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Everyone hits it the whole time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'm on period. Great. Oh, now I owe you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
We're all with you. No one's ever gotten period head in a relationship. We see you. You are seen. We're holding space.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They're cranky, dude. They're not going to give head. That's the perfect time for it. That's the best head. The cranky head. Nice. Yeah, just catching a sigh. It doesn't matter. I got a hot breath. Yeah, your little fucking nasty ass sigh actually felt good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Definitely. Is this good for you when you don't like it? Yeah, it's surprising. It is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's a motherfucking bull. Yeah, there's no local dialect anymore. Philly's hold on strong. That's about it. Philly's got it. They're losing it. You don't have it. You don't have it. Matt has it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No, my bad. What page are you on? Wait. No, I've been on the pie page. Did she just say it? Oh, yeah. Did she say it? Oh, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'm not going to ask. She said something.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've always had to call the pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I held off very late in life. So did I. So did I. I'll give it a K. I fear the pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And then they go, she can't get pregnant. I'm like, why? She didn't last time. You got lucky the first time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Congratulations on the special. It's awesome. Thanks. I'm digging the vibes in here today. Me too, dude. Very NPR-esque. I think so, too. Oh, yeah, wow. Very low, very... You think we're going NPR right now? I think we're going a little quiet. I like that, yeah. I don't mind it. How about this? Hey, say, hey, welcome, Ari again. Hey, welcome Omar Shafir. Thanks Shane, thanks Matt.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I still fear the pie. Right now, I feel like... Nate's a little fucking thick ass. I know you're pying. I love the pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Back it up. That is fucked up, dude. You out yet? You'll know when I'm out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
There's no feng shui in this place.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, maybe. He might have the fucking reverse beep too.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
If I had to guess who it was, I'd say it was a dump truck. He's pulling out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Matty, Matty Ricardo. Yeah, he gets fired.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
what's johnny dip up to right now is johnny dip he got fat he got fat yeah he got chubbed really yeah he's not getting drained anymore yeah true i mean he is for sure but he got chubby last time i saw did he really yeah not like kind of powerful to like defeat your wife in court and then get fat He was so cool in court. And what's this tin can for? He goes, it's for Coke. You know what it's for?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
He said, she said. It was really just like having your friends like bitch at each other in front of you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Was the crime abuse? Was the crime like libel? Was the crime that he lost? Didn't he lose like Pirates of the Caribbean and all that shit? From her? From her saying this guy's a scumbag? And then suing him. I was like, no, not Captain Jack Sparrow.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
She was a bitch, legally. The United States says she's a bitch.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, she wanted a female judge for sure. that was a good one no female judge might have hurt her might have because she was like she's a young young cutie he's misunderstood oh yeah if it's an old lady turn on the bed though that was damning evidence turn on the bed man on my bed and then wrote your name in my name in shit on the wall Yeah. Or blood? I don't remember.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I think she cut herself and burned it in blood.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The bed's fucked up. It wasn't on the door.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Cutting yourself is like, no you didn't. Too much Shakespeare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same thing. It's like, I haven't shit the bed. I haven't show this weekend. You're lying. You didn't cut yourself. Yeah. Shit in the bed to prove his shit. I haven't show this weekend. I haven't show this weekend. You're trying to ruin it right now.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's just that behavior was just like, it's Fort Lauderdale trash. That's all they were. Yeah. yeah well anyway yeah let's uh let's switch over to the patreon the page yes go watch ari shafir's special on netflix yes watch all the way through enjoy it yeah people from manchester england come to my show oh when you go on manchester rules yeah in match yeah please come yes please
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Really? I'll tell you about fucking a hundred pounds off. You'll get to 100 pounds off soon. Yeah, when I'm dead. What do you use, imagination? For what? To ejaculate. Wait, were you just watching porn for the cinematography? No, no, no. I was obviously masturbating to it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've been there. You do it now. I still do.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I do too. You look cute. Wow. What a great interview.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is the white wife effect. Holy shit, dude. You are dressed like a fucking old white man. I am wearing a 9-11 shirt. Please show the people the drip. Wow. That is fully white New Balances, light jeans. That's not even a 9-11. Bro. That's not even an eagle. What is that? That ain't an eagle. That's a crow. Damn, bro. You're onked out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Your pancake butt. I donated that. You get the fucking white flapjacks.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They bind Nate's ass. are you wearing spanks how is it like that i just lost it this is what we needed the podcast needed oh my god uh you look good thank you thank you you do look good i actually i genuinely think you look great the sweatshirts yeah yeah since i've been back you've been much more reserved and quiet It's not good. Did you get molested?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's been a pleasure. I've been listening to you guys for a long time. I got to check out your special last night and wow, what a special treat that was. Thank you. That's an honor. When you interviewed Charlie Rose, that was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You weren't here to protect them, Shane. I know. I think you left them all. The Kill Tony crew molested my sweet boys. You've been running a train on guard dogs.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
screaming screaming bitches that's when no conflict nate started right there oh guard dog called him no conflict nate because they were you guys need ops and the kill tony crew was perfect for you guys you guys need to battle with them that's not bad we're gonna switch
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Guard Dog wanted conflict. Nate said, I don't want any conflict.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
We're here. Wow, you guys missed an incredible joke. Wow. We're here live with the Ari Shafir. Thanks, guys. He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart. Yeah, that's what I am.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, you need to be nasty. I like you nasty. I like you being mean. Nate, I've never known you angry.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've always been pretty chill.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I've got it. I know, but now it comes out. It was funny watching Guard Dog.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar. Oh, damn. That actually might be true. I can't remember. That's unipolar. Yeah, it comes back.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It was transgressive. Wait, what's that word? Don't worry about it. Against aggressive trans. Oh, right, right, right.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I was going to say, I think that might be, it might've been a lover's quarrel.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's what you need, though. That's the best way to do open mics is with open conflict with somebody else in the room. So then you go on stage and do stand up at them, which is so embarrassing to do while fighting at any enemy in general watches in the worst room. We're like, well, we're all failing here. And it's like, you suck. You're next. Yeah, you're on next. And you suck. We're both here.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Six of us. I'm going to whisper it to somebody next to me. I'm going to go, this guy fucking sucks. God, I miss open mics where you had to pretend to listen until you get on and you could stop. The best was going to those mics that everyone just was done pretending. No one listened. Like the raven towards the end. People were just. Fell apart. It was just a bar.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Raven Lounge. Yeah, but it was like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
If you did healing him, usually on a Thursday, you would go to Reagan.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
My name's Transgressive. Transgressive.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
H. Not Foley? He was a big dog, but he was not nearly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
There's a lot of big dogs up there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs. True. Kevin Ryan really is like that six chick who's hanging around with fours. It's crazy. He's like, he's fat as fuck, dude. He's fat as fuck. And he's like, no, I'm so thin. I'm like, bro. The whole time he's just talking to H. Foley about being fat. It's so fucking funny. I never even thought about it. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
His guise was totally effective. It's a great move, dude. It's so good. So I had the mayor in the pool house. Now I'm fucked. It's a unit out there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, I used to think it was going to be so cool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The law here does help with that, obviously.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Because you don't, I mean, if you sink so low as to go to X videos. It's so embarrassing going on. Which sites are still available in Texas? You're disgusting. Yeah, you got to go through like the ninth grade. Where did I used to jack off? I know. There's a lot more hidden camera videos on those. There's a lot of illegal stuff. There's a lot of stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I saw one that was just, it said, how old is she? What? Yeah. That was the title? That was the title. I wasn't even searching anything. That was just on the menu. Just for the record.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The one that's in the closet. Real good looking guy. But he goes back to like, oh, he's going to like blow it up. And then the missile comes at him.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, no, no. More recent one. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Because I've met gays before.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. He acts gay about that?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's gay. He's just a gay. But anyway, who cares? I know what you're saying. I don't care.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And in every magazine he's ever been in or interview, it's a homosexual man. It's like they have him. No. They're everywhere. Really? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. It was a Joss A. Bank. Yeah. They wore Wilson's leather. Yeah, but he died one. He died. Yeah, at the end. It was Tom Ford. At the end of the last one.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's not tricking. It's giving.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's where all the rich Syrian Jews live.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Hey, we got all these Zen pouches or whatever.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's amazing they can start up that fire. I've been camping, and it's difficult with some starter logs.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We didn't get a flamethrower. How do you throw that together?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like, can you believe this?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's make a deal.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Everyone tried to do it. Almost everybody died. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like that guy. It's not that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I waited 20 minutes for my soup to come.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What if it was clothes?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Imagine getting the rights to get up to the Eiffel Tower and be like, hey, guys, I'm going to test something. If you did that now, they'd be like.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
i i'm hoping that like elon with the deregulation just like that there are going to be just some of what slapstick yeah slapstick just i got two my complete accidents i got two good ones really one was the guy who did the segue everyone else just showed the blueprints he's like no no i'm bringing it in yeah it made everybody ride it the patent office they're like that's cool show that it doesn't infringe on any of the patents yeah the best one
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He killed himself.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Famously.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What's happening? Nothing. It seems like more than nothing. This is why you're leaving the podcast. This kind of unprofessionalism. You just said Pete and ran off. That's not why I'm leaving the podcast.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, and so you called for Pete before taking care of it yourself? Pete. Pete. Pete. My throaty hurts. Here is the best inventions. Okay. The number one. This is the only one. I shouldn't have pluralized it. A method of inducing birth through use of centrifugal force.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's one of those stirrup things. The middle is where the head is. It spins so the head stays in place. Everything else spins. There's a net at the end of your legs. So you just spin, spin, spin until the baby just goes shh.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The net's right there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Listen, it's not about whether it works or not.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Are you eventually dragging the baby along the net?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, so the baby's in the net. So you probably have to have something under it too because when you slow down, it would then fall.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That is a circus ass way to be born. That is the Ringling Brothers style. It's definitely a dude event.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Well, before you can no longer do plugs. What are you going to do with your time? Yeah, it's called America's Sweetheart. It's on Netflix. Just leave it alone for a second, dude. What do you mean? I have been leaving it alone for a second. I want to get back to it. Yeah. What are you going to do with my time?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just him quietly. Yeah, if you got an automatic litter box. How does this go?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's audio-only. And then you take this thing and try to go this way with that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You can die here.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm not, I moved on.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I love that you guys connect. I love that you can overlook his stupidity and his butt-heartedness and still see him as a human.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I haven't seen it. If you're a big fat guy, you die at 47. Rest in peace, Burt Kreischer. Is this coming out in one year?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just mad at the president of the United States.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Go take a walk outside. It's crazy. It's so fun to see somebody riled up and you're like, oh, I don't care. I'm doing this thing.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like, how could you not know about the Columbia statistician and the two women?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like, I don't know. I don't know. Is that real? There was like a guy in a college in Columbia. Somebody came in all steamy. I was talking to Michelle Wolf. Somebody comes in all steamy like...
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Did you hear about this guy at Columbia? And he went back to work. I'm just trying to catch up with my friend.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just because I look like me. Yeah. But not because of like... You're walking too slow.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's usually attached to a sticker that says peel here. Wait, you see this holographic thing? Is that what the blue light filter is?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's embarrassing.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Scandinavian. Scando. That's a derogatory term for them. Guys, I would send a pair of these jeans...
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What you looking at, Scando? I'm sorry, man. Get the hell out of here, Scando.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's a type of pants that prevents us from doing the Holocaust.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We ain't changing our government.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Take them off. Okay, but you're not going to like it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why did you have to guess what on that? I'm literally wearing them right now. You're wearing perfect jeans? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Number one, here's what makes these perfect. The name of them. Yeah. That's about as far as it goes.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Guess what? I'm standing up. Yeah. Guess what, listeners? I just sat down.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. You didn't really give him a chance to guess, though. Everyone at home is like, come on.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's not enough time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I do have incredibly big balls and they push out to save space for those.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Not so tight in the ball. A lot of times if you get ball space, then you're getting way baggy. You want something that's normal in the waist, but then a little bit of ball space. Why does it have to be connected? I don't get it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I only buy clothes before a special.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You can just ask the driver his name as you roll up the window every time. Yeah. And what's your last name?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
His is Jew jeans right now. Yeah. With a second in command to the Coen's.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, Chaim Levy.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think it's time for you to quit anyway. Yeah, probably. Your heart hasn't been in it for a while. No, it has not. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Come Town was a good show. This was a good spite show for a while.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
it was all right yeah and then the the anger fades and you're like why am i still doing this exactly yeah like what am i still exactly there was a time when i went i was really mad at bobby lee and then every time i try to embarrass him every conversation he was in i try to like get in there like but he's stupid right you guys listen to this dumb fucking idiot like and then at some point i remember not having the energy to do that right he was in a conversation i was like but he's just a small korean man it's like what are you doing yeah it's like getting mad at akiya
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. How long are you going to do a podcast with a retard?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Can't believe you made him put on the jeans.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
They were nice enough to send. They were nice enough. They're good jeans.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Are those actually perfect jeans? Yeah, they are.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
They had in a long time ago. And they haven't for quite some time. So I'm just wearing them out of the love.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, it says, fuck your khakis. Fuck your khakis.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What is going on with this podcast?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's the kind of script you throw into a movie window. Yeah, right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why are all these people there? It shouldn't just be dignitaries.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who the fuck are these people?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Take your engagement ring off.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What do you engage to, Reddit? No, I don't. Let's see it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It should be an African guy dressed like Lieutenant Worf. I was a dignitary at my buddy's wedding. I married him off to a squirrel. It should be a black guy wearing that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Off, off, off.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Can you also put a side-by-side of him next to someone with regular-sized nipples? Uh-huh. I've got really small nipples. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The journey is the reward. The journey away is really the reward.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What? You look pretty flawless right now. I don't feel comfortable not wearing a shirt. Your back goes up. Oh, you got a fucking chest when you do that. Go back again. No, no, no. But that's not bad. Yeah, that looks tough.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Can you get him a Joe Rogan-shaped cowbell?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Sure, absolutely.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he's bulimic now. It'll help. Is he bulimic? Yeah, he's been throwing up. It's his new fad diet where he barfs it out. Yeah, he did the only meat for a while. And now he's like, go to the champs. Go to bulimia. But he goes, you got to do kale and stuff. You can't just do ice cream. You got to go like... That would be hilarious.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Lieutenant Worf. Congratulations, Mr. President.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I can totally see him selling that. No, the nutrients are going through your cheeks and you lose the needless calories.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, what are all these people coming back like, I'm not even from here. I'm going to Molland. I'm going to get on Kiltoni. That's a lot of immigrants. Kiltoni getting deported right back. You should just have him come out of a cage.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You can exit through the audience or back into the cage. You got trafficked by a coyote to do Kiltoni.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's just finish this up.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Is it going away, or just that they didn't know?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just send a free thing.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's these fucking Native Americans who work the lodge there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, they're all Comanche over there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Are these chairs going to be on there?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah. Which was Tom Fontana. The one who created it? No. He created Oz. What a great show. He's the creator of Oz, yeah. Oh, Oz was also good.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And also Life in the Street, Homicide Life in the Street.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just in case. Whoa, it's a file cabinet.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Okay. Barry Levinson. I thought Barry Levinson created it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Maryland native, Barry Levinson, one of our greats.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I've had beef with Stav. Really? Yeah. Korean barbecue? Yeah. He takes me all around.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, it represents a promise that if you get here before December 27th, 2024, we will give you this.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'll be updating format.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He gets turned around on the train.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The Jew. They always go straight to like legalese to try to fix their social problems.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's like, ooh. Was it SUV? It was SUV. Yeah, but one of them, he got turned around on the subway. Was it Robin Williams or was it the original guy they wanted for it? You know when the subway turns, you get fall and then it spins you. So like your body, it's over. It's spun. Your legs are still. What are you talking about? Sorry. One of these types of shows. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
A character fell into the subway or got pushed. Your body spun, so you're still alive, but we're going to have to move this. As soon as we move the train, you're going to spill out. And so then it was like he had to call his wife. I thought it was Robin Williams played that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Once they let her out, it's like she's going to go. No, no, no.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What's that? If I could have him what?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's over.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We're coming back. We're wet laying in wait. By the way, we're keeping track of what you say about Israel.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Get out now before the revenge starts. Exactly. Got like eight Hamas left and they're coming for you.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
This was at the supermarket by my dad's house. You got it down to a dollar.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You notice where one building ends and another start? What's up here? I don't know.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, exactly the way I checked IDs.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's just get some of these true bubbles. Oh Dude, I wish I was. So wait, you're going to interview one person a week? So the episodes will be like beginning. What are they going to be? Talks or like hard-hitting interviews? Getting to know somebody. Have you seen the interviews?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, great. What is it, though? Is it like a fuck around?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's not going to go anywhere. Yeah, yeah. Maybe AI it. Yeah, sure. Yeah, we could AI it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Dude, you're like fully retiring. You and Tim Dillon should do something together. I keep saying it. I'll say it once a year. You guys just work on something together.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, it's like most of Brooklyn. Yeah, I suppose. Used to be cool, and then it's fucking guys with tattoos pushing strollers like homosexuals. Those are young parents.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just go to Jerry Seinfeld's house, baby.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I love how he has a house in New York. Yeah. Like, yeah, he's got a guy from up. Yeah. It's a house in a city.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just go to Tim Dillon's house. Just go away. I don't want you here at my house. Do everything he tells you to do. Don't worry about the part that you forgot after the rag went on your face.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, today we're going.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's pretty close. Yeah, like that. She's also Queen Elizabeth. I don't know what her voice sounded like.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The throat. What's the new interview show going to be called?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, I'm saying for you to fucking take off. Oh, yeah. Why? Does it sound bad? I was worried about it. No, as you were saying that, I was like, oh, my God, I've heard people promote stuff so many times. I've done it so many times. But you weren't listening to the words. Right. It tunes you out. And then I'm realizing, like, oh, I've done that, too. And then I'm like, look at this guy.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's not going to have to deal with that shit anymore.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Because your mind's not here. It's there. Yeah, yeah. It's there in that litter box.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Cat's been taken.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Ferret. Because his owner's going to be weird.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Oh, so it won't relate to it as much.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's just really, really autobiographical. You keep John Arbuckle? Yeah, it's still John there. It still has John Arbuckle.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
So they just made the witch a black chick? No, she's green. Oh, green, right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, really? In 3D. Where do you put glasses on?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I saw that. It was like blowing smoke at you.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm going to re-watch that. I'm going to go home and re-watch that. God, you have so much time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think I might start running too.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
But right now you're in the twilight of your retirement where everything's possible. You're not gonna, but everything's possible.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
If you're going to tour average, you're fine. Yeah, about six weeks. Do you use sleeping Snoopy as your motivation to get going? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's just napping.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, okay. Look, he's not.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's doing jazzercise. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
My mom's in there. What do we got? We've got kickoff. I mean, you're not going to miss this. All right, stop it. Having to read stuff off a piece of paper. I have to do it, and I don't know how to read.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think he killed himself to keep forgetting about Diddy's Parties. Yeah, it's all connected.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's great that he listens to podcasts. He's able to use the computer and stuff.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And kind of just alone in a hotel room for a while.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I would like my tenants to be able to fucking pass their first inspection, you know, be able to get them easier. What are you inspecting?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, a few. And then some of them comes in with like a seven, single digit seven, like 709 or below. And it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. High level people.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The worst guy?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, I made sure there was a ping pong table in there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's an investment.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And you named it like Israel?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. You named it Jewish village?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Semen village. There's a new spinoff.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And I'm like, what?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What do you mean? The litter box?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just stay. Try it like an accent or a character of some kind. You know, get lost in that. Yeah, shake off the credit hangover.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
try another one okay think about the character first though uh don't just do it on the fly you're a guy he's new to town okay he's new to town he wants to kind of take over but he's not sure if he wants to go the wall street route or business route um and now he's here and his credits messed up go
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Ripple in time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, this guy's not racist. Yeah, this guy, no, it's a different guy. Move on.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's squash it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm not racist. I called the Filipino guy that, too.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben, please. You hear Tony's a queer now?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I've only had two beers.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He seems fine to me, guys.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm okay to drive home. I only had two beers. Ben really contained himself this time, huh?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
All right, Ben.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
See you later, buddy. Watch out. Watch out.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
All right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just try it with no powers.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
If you want to see more of this riffing, find out where Nick gets his oatmeal from and meet him in the bodega. Check out Come Town, a podcast that was on many years ago.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's everywhere. I'm about to take down all my old episodes of my old podcast. Why? Because you got an SNL? I'm in trouble.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I don't know until it happens.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I don't think people get in trouble anymore. You know I can't stamp Chinese people. We used to say terrible things. Someone's married now. I'm sure we talked about hookers or some shit. Really? Well, I don't even know what the lines are. Who? I don't know. It had to be somebody specific.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I said it on every episode. I just timed it out. So I bet you one will be right. I started with 2024, so 10 years in. What would be the reaction? People would just be like, whoa. Duncan would do that at the end of every set in LA for like two months. He goes, thanks everybody. By the way, this week there will be a major earthquake. Goodbye. And then like every like seven months it happened.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And you know people are like, what the fuck?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That guy called it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's pretty cool. Yeah. It's creative, that guy.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
How are you stopping this podcast?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's still podcasting.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. I'm going on Trigonometry. All this creativity could go towards some of the best scripts in history. I'm the third host on Trigonometry.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's still podcasting.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's learned the buttons for like, yeah, he hits his butt. He's like, ah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. So Gur is like in a hospital room with him.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Burt was always fat, but now it's a new level.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who's Dan?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
His body?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he did. I've seen too many men lose their legs. Grant. I just finished Grant. He does look like a statue that would get taken down eventually. The Dan Soder statue. Why is this even still up? What are we even celebrating?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I just kicked some blacks out of the counter.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Don't worry, boys. Watts only today.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Did he think the statue was his dead dad?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he did.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I saw that thing. Doggy. No.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He just changed the name.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
A place like this.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Welcome to this world. Welcome to Bob's Big Boy. Yeah, Cracker Barrel's next. And then Poe Boys if you want to upscale it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he's crushing it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he's crushing it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He just knows how to play a lot better. It's when Ben Stein's money, but it's when Lewis wins.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Doggy, doggy. Are you sure?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think you're jealous of Lewis.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It basically is.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's 48 Minutes to Home, according to my Google Maps.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, really? Yeah. He finally got a shot.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, really? You know she's a billion? She's a billion dollars. Years old. She was around when I was in high school.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's huge-ass.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Then she relaunched as a sex symbol. I'm like, wait, the one from my childhood? She makes great music. Yeah, gay guys love her.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I can see you looking out your window and being annoyed at people walking by for a while. Going through a phase like that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's so stoked to get away from this place.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The feng shui in here is crazy. There's so much wasted space, and he's like, I need a tighter corner. Don't start on that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's not bad. Yeah. You should come in here just to come to the door and then go, nope, and smile and turn around and walk back out.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You're starting a new chapter in your life.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
This is when you go to one set of footprints.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, it was always one set. He was always one set. He was always carrying me.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Wow, and you got him. Yeah, Jadakiss for real.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I have, I guess, one question.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, I had long COVID. I have bad memory. Here's my one question.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, and he's in there. And to him, it's a stool.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who's Jadakiss? Judakiss?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, you're thinking of like Kanye West.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Jay Da Kiss.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, give me a song I would know.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We Gon' Make It. Big Willie style.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Was he on that one?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I know that one. That's not him.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I do know that one. You said, give me a song that I know. We're going to be all right. It's not bad. The Diswrap.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The Diswrap on Kanye. I know that one.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a great song.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Does he paint his face all white and black like a cat?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, you've never seen Lost? I've never watched The Walking Dead. Don't bother with Lost. It's not worth it. It gets bad. The first two seasons are awesome.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's another one where it's like, don't even get it. The endings are so bad. You're like, it's not worth it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who doesn't watch? Yeah. We had Neil deGrasse Tyson. Really?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's so big. I like how people are like, we should talk to him. I'm like, he knows. This boy talking to Zach is like talking to someone who's working on the Fukushima plant behind that door. Like, you okay? They're like, no. I'm just riding this out.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Did Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about what went on at those Diddy parties? No, this was before.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a great, like, just right away. Yeah. Nope. None of that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You know that guy? Yeah. Who on News Nation have you had on?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Jadakiss is probably the only one. Jadakiss probably, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Okay, that's not bad.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Okay, well, we're not in... I guess there's one nearby. He's like, get it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
One last ride. The guy was really great for a while. Get him. He's a New Yorker. De Niro? Robert De Niro. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I love these old, like, tough guy actors now just, like, threatening, coming online. Like, why don't you come to my sandwich spot and I'll show you. Uh-huh.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why would they have respect for him?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's an actor like all the other homos.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
De Niro? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
This piece of information being devoured. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Nice. Get one of those zero interest loans we get. How many do you have?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I was like, how many, how many are you? I'll say that. How many zero interest loans do you have?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The rule is you can't charge a Jew interest. The rule is not you must give them money.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Jews don't get loans from other Jews.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
There's a Talmudic rule that if you loan money to another Jew, you can't charge them interest because it's like your brother. You wouldn't charge your brother interest. You'll go to Bank of America. Everyone there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Obviously, I can't charge you interest.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
But then those guys who get to the Instagram accounts of the anti-Jew ones go, that's what I heard. Yeah, okay. I saw it written on meme form.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He said it like such a given.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We all know. How many do you have? Of course you have a few, right?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's a passing of time. It's interesting. It feels like even though it's the right thing to do for sure, it still feels like since it's changing, it's like a moment of a touch of sadness. You feel that way? Yeah, a little bit. I only get that when I change apartments.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let me get that cigarette. Finish.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's about an asshole.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No. And the rest of the Jewish media. All right. All right. Welcome aboard.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Kanye, you were right, buddy. I've seen it from the inside. Everything you said came true.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I did take the time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a pretty big light. There's a clip right now in the back of Cavs with the nerd from Friends, whatever his name is, a swimmer. And he's doing an interview with the morning Kelly Ripa and her fucking gay husband. And they're like, we got a clip for you. And you can tell he's so not into it. And he's like, oh. And then they go to this clip, it's an old clip of Friends.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, she got deported. Yeah. Kelly Fistuka. Yeah, yeah. She's off doing all the blow in Australia. Yeah. She's doing one gram for $87,000.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Get your prostates checked. Take care of yourself. Spay and neuter your cats and dogs. Take care of each other.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's an audio-only podcast.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I've been in the summertime. Yeah. I wear less clothes, but. So what's his issue?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He has a family. I thought it was going to be a pro peace thing. No, no. It's old reliable.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Once again.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Well, tell your dad he's not coming back. The one that doesn't quit. Enjoy living with no Kobe for the rest of his life.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's brought it super cold and breaking down already.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Really? What did they say?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he said not to take off and Kobe made them take off.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Was I in London?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Also important to know. They told me they were going to break up this podcast. Important to know. They succeeded.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
uh yeah i was not trans just the the past gender at all they do clown core with the freckles dots is that a gender nose no it's nothing it's like it's another it just sounds like a nerd no they're cool they're cool they're cool yeah yeah they wouldn't quit on a podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I thought it was Simmons.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I was using one of his reviews of me as in my bio because a quote was like, if you wanted to see someone pull their pants down for a braying audience, go see Ari. I'm like, yeah, great. What does braying mean? Like cheering in a donkey-like fashion.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a great review.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why go through his son? He's a good man.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, yeah. That's right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, right. The worst Willy Wonka. I've been dreaming of that my entire life. Director's cut.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Kind of like the spies used in World War II when they got caught.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So I don't want anyone complaining. I didn't even know there were nude women until you sent me that one. Now it's all I can think about. Yeah. But yes, Kanye's music rules. That's what we should focus on.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You've got to. But yeah, they're all lunatics. You can't judge them for anything other than the thing they put out.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So yeah, Kanye's a little crazy, but he's, there's nothing else there. You're taking heroin out of the arts. It's true.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I got more into Kanye after all this, legitimately. Did you? As everything was coming up, and I was like, and then my friends would send me like, hey, I know he's supposed to be like, hates Jews or whatever, but have you heard this one song? And I'm like, oh my god, that's really good. How did I miss that one? It helped me focus on his music, and I was like, oh, his music, I'd pass by it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I am a troll, so I can recognize it. He's just saying stuff that gets people upset. And it's also like, some of it's like high school level.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Hitler had some good ideas. Like, we were saying that in fifth grade, in a Jewish school, just to like tweak at each other.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's like, right, right, right. Yeah. It's just the easiest way to say something because people love because, you know, the Volkswagen was cool. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, pretty early on. We all were looking for a way away from radio. We can't cuss. And we have to wake up at 6 a.m. to do it. It sucked. It always sucked. You get some dumb fucking local... Local DJ didn't know anything. It was just kind of like, oh, what are we doing here? We came in cursed. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And so then it was like, I wish there was a way to do this in the afternoon and then with cussing. But nothing was there. And then suddenly something popped our heads up, and comedians loved it. We drove right into it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
We haven't done it for like 15 years. It's crazy how long it's been around at this point.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I was on Rogan's pretty early. Then like, probably a year later, I started my old one that I stopped. But like, I did that for like 10 or 12 years. And now this new one, it's just, it's just like, You have to become part of the landscape now. It's pretty wild.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
People didn't even know what they were. No. I would ask people to be a guest on my podcast. I'm like, what? What is that? It's like an internet radio thing. It won't be live. Just to explain the whole format. Yeah. Like, how? Like, that's not what I want to get into. Just when you come over, let me talk to you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
They were just talking about what it used to be. That's when I started comedy. They kept talking about the 80s. Like, it was great. There were lines around the block. We were talking in a room that was supposed to have a show, but no one showed up in it. Like, wow, sounds amazing. Yes.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's great. It's great. Everybody's talking about it. Yeah, the podcast and the comedy. It's so popular around the world. In Amsterdam, every local show is packed. Really?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do. So, comedy is really pretty cool. Even when you're just beginning, there's this occasional, like, free trip to a wild place.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. Me and my friend Paul Morrissey, we did this comedy festival in Montreux, Switzerland in, like, 2009 or 10. Yeah. Yeah. free trip out there. They room and board. We had them fly us back from Amsterdam. So then we're like, let's take the train to Amsterdam after that. And we just kind of made a deal with each other. Like, let's keep doing these.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I got flown to Hong Kong and Shanghai, um, Iceland. And these are all times where I could not afford these trips for sure.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And then there's somebody there telling you like, I got the hotel for you where it's so scary. It's kind of like pre like easy internet.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Um, And everything's so frightening. They're like, oh, I got a hotel for you. I'll pick you up from the airport. And then they just tell you some details. In Shanghai, they're like, hey, it's really safe here. The punishments for violent crime are wild. Yeah, they are. It's like an embarrassment thing in this culture.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So drunk women will fall asleep with their phone in their hand and wake up with their phone in their hand.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's crazy. Yeah. So once they told me that, I was like, oh, I'm free. And I would just wander out to a place I couldn't communicate. I learned the words to like beef and then I'm like, what beef? And then they point to a giant sign of like 30 different beef dishes. All right. Just guess. Not the dog. Not the dog. Yeah. I had dog once. I didn't have it, but I saw it on the menu once.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I was like, yeah. Like, what is that? They told me, I was like, what's that word? And they were like, And I was like, chicken? And they're like, no, no, bark, bark, bark. And I'm like, oh, that's all right. That's all right. I'll pass on the bark. It was like room temperature. You could tell it wasn't even fresh. It's like, this isn't even the time that I start with dog.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You know the saying, like, would you ever try human meat? And I was like, well, okay, what did they do? They had to have done something wrong.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then also, like, how's it prepared? Fine chef or just lying around? I'm not eating raw, like, alive, you know? But yes, it floated me all over. So it's, like, really great. And now I, like, book gigs, you know, even though I can't afford it. It's, like, trips through Europe. I did one tour in Greece and then stayed for, like, a week.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I matched up an Australian tour with this, like, rugby match. How did you like Australia? I love Australia. They're the biggest cokeheads in the world. They're the biggest cokeheads and with the worst coke. So if you meet an Australian outside of Australia, they're like, the coke is great here and it's so cheap.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
This is everybody. Do you like coke? No, I don't like it at all. Do you have some?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I'll go talk to him. I'll go talk to him. Get out of here.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
This is not Mushroom Mike. Mushroom Mike is nice. Broke Mike is a problem.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And then I have a friend who started the Icelandic comedy scene, also named Ari. And so he was like, let's do a little tour. I'll leave my family for a couple of days. And he showed me the north and he knew all the little secret spots. He's like over Sheik Meadow here. I think there was like a fissure. I remember this when I was a kid and we found a rope. We just climbed down.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's just a hot spring, like a natural hot spring in this fissure.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And like no one's there. You're just there swimming around and like in this hot water, like swimming, not just soaking in it. for like two hours and no one's, no one's there. Wow. It's so, it's, it's just so out there. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And they're forward thinking. You're like, can I buy you a drink? Like why all over Scandinavia? And I said, like, why would you mean, why would you buy me a drink?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, they're so equal there. It's foreign to here.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Iceland, yeah. I like going to places where it's kind of like I can't communicate with anybody or I can't like... Yeah, exactly. Or I can't even talk to home. It's too far out where I'm really, really lost. Going through Southeast Asia, through Myanmar and East Timor and Indonesia. And South America, too, where I'm like, it's just real rural.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You just have to try to get some of the language to where you can just order some food. You like a challenge. You like to travel where it's a bit of a challenge.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I like being uncomfortable. Yeah. And then Berlin also is great for drugs. Berlin is the best.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's wild. And nobody cares about anything negative. They only care about the positive. So there's no more like bitching about like, well, I raised this way and it was hard. They're all past that. Like, what are you into now? Yeah. So I saw somebody that was like, when I was there last time, there was somebody new to Berlin and they were like,
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
um well i'm non-binary and all these like trans chicks like oh nobody's talking about that anymore like they were like yeah grow up yeah we're all so far past that and there was like what are you into what kind of music do you like yeah we're not talking about that dumb anymore it's like yeah yeah it's like here in this country going i'm gay but who cares right this is 1987 we can't talk about gay anymore
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And the drugs are crazy. And you just, you're walking on the street and you hear like music and you're looking at like the side of a building and you're like, what? And you're like, Oh, maybe that's a door. And you kind of push it. And there's a guy there going five euros.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then you just go in there and then there's like some like industrial warehouse. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's so cool. Dude, I've seen fat, naked people with just shoes and socks on, like, jumping up and down, dancing. I was, like, self-conscious about dancing. And then I'm like, oh, I'm fine. I don't even care. Yeah, there's that and there's a supermodel over there and you're like, this is nutty.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then someone's getting their fucking dick sucked out of the body behind you and you're like, what?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, there's a big sex club scene there too, huh? Yeah, but even the non-sex clubs are like, well, you can just fuck a little. Just do whatever.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. I've had, like, two hours into this one, I just passed some lady just on her knees, just, like, going after this guy. And I'm, like, two hours into this person, I'm like, yeah, whatever. I was just desensitized to it. I've seen fans disappear and bust.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
whoa yeah i've seen like wait where does that oh but like be cool be cool act like you've been here before yeah it was so hard i'm not cool be cool you're trying to look out of the side of your eyes like why don't i have sunglasses on yeah i know better like that
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yes, the first rule of nude beach, wear sunglasses. That's it. It's your friend. Hard, black, black or silver sunglasses.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
My favorite thing about Spain is the racism only against gypsies. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, we're like, gypsies. Like, don't say that word in here. And they're like, okay. And they're like, very on the surface about it. They're not trying to hide it. Like, they fucking suck. No gypsies allowed signs. I've heard that.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Everywhere in Barcelona, you see those Basque flags up. The separatist flags up. They want out, for sure.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Other people in Texas are like, Texas is a republic. It's not a state. And we're like, fuck off. You can call yourself whatever you want. And Iranians are Persian. Shut the fuck up.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Okay, we just had the Trippie Awards for the first year. I took these the first year. The best guest, best trip was Harlan Williams. He took a back of a National Geographic. He was throwing one out and he saw it and he saw a little sign that says, would you like to go around the world for 30 grand? And it was 35 day around the world trip. No way. 35 grand, 30 grand.
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And it was you started in Los Angeles. You go west. You go to the Galapagos. You go to Easter Island. You go to, like, Tibet. Go to all these places. They take you on tours. They take you on different things as you're there. The Taj Mahal. It was so nutty.
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It was so nutty. It's a private plane for 70 people. And on the plane rides, they'd have, like, experts that were in National Geographic talk to you about, like, the new coming place. It was such a wild trip. And it's so funny with it. So it's like funny.
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Yeah. He showed me a picture of some guy at the Taj Mahal picking his nose so far up. It's like his bottom is gone because I've never stopped thinking about this guy for 30 years. Where did his finger go? I thought maybe he had no finger, but he pulled it out so far. And then we've had some great ones. Joe Liss had one where he's trying to get a girlfriend back on the hike to Machu Picchu.
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he's like his ex-girlfriend he's like do you want to go like and she goes just as friends he goes yeah just as friends and then he hangs up he goes getting her back right yeah and then she getting like terrible diarrhea on the way he's just trying to like fuck her while she's yeah
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Yeah, what I'm trying to do is fight back against all this divisiveness by including everyone and taking them away from the thing that's being divisive. And everyone, the response is a lot of like, how dare you? I'm done with you. And I'm like, I'm on your side. I'm making a guy who talks about something that makes you angry not talk about that thing. So all he did was we shared a love of travel.
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So I'm like, come in. We're not going to talk about politics at all. We're just going to talk about some fun place we've been. We shared. I met him once. And I met him. He did some little mini documentary on stand-up comedy. And so we all did remote interviews. My publicist was like, if you do this, we will never work with you again. I'm like, that's nuts. I'm not getting into that game. OK.
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And so I just liked what I had to say. This is like theory that stand-up is hard now. Everyone's trying to come after us. I'm like, that's a little of that. But it's a great time. They forget. Right?
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with the atlanta hawks play it's going great it's everyone's doing fine yeah yeah so we liked it and he's like you know i'd like to meet you i'd like to use my pockets and i went up to his i was in maine for a family trip and i was like i'll come by and um and he goes well it's the day after the debate the biden and trump debate so we have to talk about that and i was like brother i don't care at all about politics i understand that's your thing if you talk about it you'll be talking to a brick wall i don't know anything about it i don't care about it it's boring to me
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And he goes, okay, then I'll wait till the next episode. Don't worry about it. And we just talked about other stuff. Talked about gospel music and all this, I don't know, Talmud. He was reading the Talmud. It was like fun. And then anyone who was like, I hate this, like, well, read it, watch it. It's pretty interesting.
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So on my podcast, he just talked about the UAE and the problems with it and the cool things he's seen there.
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I like that. Yeah, it's funny. Week to week, people go... I can't believe you're this left leaning like hippie. And now I can't believe this right leaning Nazi. It's like, I'm not doing anything. I'm just trying to talk to fun people about cool places. They've been, I'm trying to make the world better. And you guys are stuck in that thing.
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I think we're all at that point now where it's like, okay, we've all accepted. We're all, we got to now go. So now what?
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Yeah. We know they're spying on us for ads. We know they're doing all these things. So now what?
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Yeah, and I try to think, like, you've got to focus on something good in every situation. So, like, Tucker Carlson's a good example. When I went on his podcast, the comments were, first, this guy's a heretic. He never read the New Testament, only the old. He's a lot like Christian. We were talking about the Talmud. There was a lot of, I'm done with you now, Ari, after this.
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There was a lot of, I'm done with you now, Tucker, after having this guy on. Like, we both got, like, thrown away by her audience for talking to each other. And it was like, you guys are, like, wild. And then you get an occasional, like, really interesting stuff. Never seen the side of either of you.
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Let's make it a guy and girl so we can be inclusive today. It's a guy and a girl walking on the beach. And there's like a thousand starfish washed up from the high tide. They're all going to die, you know, because they're not in the water. Yeah. And it was like, this is weird. And so then one guy picks up one of the starfish and he like throws it back in the water.
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um and then they kind of walk inside and the girl's like what's that gonna do that's like it's not gonna make a dent and all these starfish yeah die and he goes what's gonna matter for that one starfish yeah that's true yeah you're right yeah so it's like you just gotta focus on yourself when everyone's doing that just go okay how can i reach across an aisle how can i just focus on something positive i i mean it's like it's kind of easy it's a five days on vacation one day rained
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All right, I learned a new card game where we're stuck inside. That's fun. All of Modest Mouse music is this. It's just focusing on the positive part. And then your mental state is pretty nice. Instead of going, look at that Trump flag on that house, go, wow, look at that deck they built on that house.
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Ari's getting to me. And then you start to like, your mental state goes higher and better. You're just like, you're in a good mood. You know those people who are like, one's always happy, one's always upset. There's one cooler to be around.
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And he said, everybody's like, how do you like LA? He was there for a running job. He goes, I hate it. I'm like, what do you hate about it? There's no change of weather. It's like burritos only everywhere. It's fucking, the people are annoying. And then every party, people would ask him, how do you like L.A.? He got sick of saying the same reasons. So he goes, it's just a dumb conversation.
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I hate L.A., but I want to say this every single party event. So he started saying, like, I like it, to have people just like, enough, I don't want to talk about it. And they go, what do you like about it? He goes, I don't know. There's no weather changes, you know, so it's good weather, good burritos.
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And then, like, after he started saying it, he said for, like, a couple months, he started, like, liking L.A.
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Sometimes the negative helps you where it's like, look, I'm barely getting by, but I'm doing better than some third world countries. You focus on that and then you're like, oh, I'm all right. I'm pretty good. I live in America. We have a lot of rights here. It's pretty cool. Well, let me ask you this, Ari, because there's term limits. You don't like a president.
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I was hooking up with this chick in college a long time ago when Trump won the first time. This was eight years ago. Well, we had a little fling at a festival. And then so I asked her, she was in school in Florida. And I was like, what's like what are college kids saying about about Trump. Like, are you guys like real pissed? Cause that's like the bastion of like new liberals. Liberals.
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Yeah. And she goes, you know, it's whatever. I'm like, what do you mean? She goes, he's got to be the president for four and eight years, but then he'll be gone. We also voted on legal weed and that got passed. And so that's here forever. So we're all pretty happy.
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We got a guy who's in and out and legal weed for, for the rest of our lives. So it was like, she was like a one.
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like let's say i don't follow either side i just i gave up on it so long ago i was like no aren't they all just crooks didn't we all agree government is gross yes people like yeah but they're the worst ones and i'm like guys just don't talk to them don't talk to you're like this guy murdered seven people this guy only murdered two it's like just go away from all of them it's like yeah but but it's like uh it's a lot of these people like they hate trump and they hate biden like
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If he came into the room and he'd be like, I'm leaving, you wouldn't talk to him and say, hey, Indian Party going to Cuba. You wouldn't try to have some influence?
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You'd have to say hi, be pleasant, and not like, fuck you, bitch. It's like, great, you said your thing, you've gotten no change in the world. Yeah, I agree with you.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
and Trump, or not, then Kamala, and then Trump. Forgot Biden pulled out. But those are the last two presidents. So Biden and Trump in a room. And you're like, guys, let's talk. And then you bring them both drinks, you know, like, let's sit down, Sprite, Sprite. And then 30 minutes in, go, okay, guys, I have put Molly in both of your drinks. So should be hitting right about now. Too late.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You're not going anywhere. So we're going to start liking each other. Yeah. Settle in. I'm going to put some music on. If you feel like dancing, you can dance. Go for it. Yeah. Biden, we got a walker for you. You're not going to fall. Guys, it's going to be great. Let me introduce you to Big Frida. And we will get up and we will go.
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We can get the entire government out there to do ayahuasca.
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Yeah. I went on the Daily Wire yesterday, a few days ago.
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yeah and um and uh they're they're just as nuts as the as the left wing as the super hard where they're just like they have these talking points they haven't really thought them out they just have these talking points it's cool to see because i live in a liberal kind of bubble so i mostly only see the left wing ones but it's funny to see the right ones um but but uh one of the questions they had this stupid game show like would the world be better if every single person had to do have one psychedelic trip
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And then we're all connected. Oh, yeah. You feel like the tendrils of humanity all in the soil.
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And he goes, I don't want to get addicted. I'm like, you're a dork. Nobody gets addicted. This isn't a 50s loser. We have more research now. You're not going to do them again for a year. Shut up.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
put go down to one backpack and um fantastic put a little bit stuff in storage get out of my apartment and just go travel south america no shit are you do you live in nashville or where do you live no i'm just here for the weekend right for shows i live in new york city in new york yeah so um yeah i just wanted to take a follow yeah what prompted this you're good like there's no health issues you're good you're this is just i just want to take a break yeah i finished a special i did my job then i did a little tour i'm in the middle of a little tour
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Tickets at archivier.com. We'll be in Atlanta. Oh, you're coming to Atlanta? Yeah, in March. Let me know. I'll give you nice tickets if you want.
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But yeah, and then I was like, I took care of work, and I just want to see the world.
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Oh, yeah, you see these people. Anchor Walk, you see all these old people with canes, and it's nice they're still doing it, but like, you've done this at 35.
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Once you get over like two or three weeks gone and you go to a second country, your anchor's not even from your old country. Your anchor's in like I don't have an anchor anymore. You know, go from Myanmar to like Thailand. You're like, I'm not coming from America anymore. Come from Myanmar. Oh, I'm just floating.
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So, I mean, does anyone look at that lady's trip and go lame?
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I learned the words to like beef. And then I was like, what beef? And then they point to a giant sign of like 30 different beef dishes. All right. Just guess. Not the dog. Not the dog. Please. Yeah. I had dog once. I didn't have it, but I saw it on the menu once. Did you really? Yeah. Like, what is that? They told me, I was like, what's that word? And they were like, And I was like, chicken?
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And they're like, no, no. Bark, bark, bark. Bark. And I'm like, oh, that's all right. That's all right.
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Yeah, it's pretty red. I got drunk yesterday. You got what? I got drunk the night before. Drunk yesterday.
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I don't know. I've avoided Broadway this time. I'm in East Nashville for the first time, which is kind of cooler. There's still some crime, still some hipsters and some of the new gays are coming to try to take it back.
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Yeah, I got five. They're all great. Club Rules, it's a really cool place. Yeah, I got to hang out with Nate yesterday and his wife.
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No, we don't have the same market at all. He's so clean. We got along, but he's like, oh, I could never expose my audience. No, no.
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Heck yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I'm just trying to get people to calm down a little bit.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
What a dress. I mean... Listen, you don't have to wear a giant coat if you wear anything underneath. You can just wear a t-shirt and a hoodie. That's it. It would make the same as a mink and a nothing.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
No doubt about that. Not one person was like, ooh, gross body. They were all like, I mean, the canvas is great.