Ari Shaffir

T.I.

Yeah.

57, 57.

Yeah.

And welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th. It's called America's Sweetheart. Yeah, that's what I am. Ari Shaffir.

Oh, no Dave doesn't know Zach Bryan and does not like him Oh, oh Zach Bryan kicked his dog out of a green room Well, here's the origin she compared her leg once to a Burger King chicken fry hmm and

Wait, wait, why are they having a falling out?

The volume. I took a shit at his house, and I was thinking about that. I was like, oh man, this is where he shits.

You needed to just process that?

Well, her circumstances come into play in that decision. Yeah, how much does she already have? There's the integrity of my silence, but it's also like, if she was working at Burger King serving chicken fries, and someone's like, here's $12 million, you probably would take it. Well, we know what you got. I'm saying she's probably in a good position to be able to do that, too.

How much do you think she makes on a podcast over a bar store? I have no fucking idea. $2 million a year? I don't know. Enough where it didn't sway her to jump on it.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Short is 6'5". Right. Right. He's going to take a shit. Okay. Wait, you have the aftermath? He's farting his way in. Oh. No. I would love a count on how many times, like if there was a running life count on how many times he's hit his head on a doorway. It's probably in the thousands, right? Where he's just like, fuck!

That's the number one complaint.

The other thing that's relevant is that we live in this world now, everything is like public consumption, but a relationship is supposed to be private. And so for someone to go like, hey, how about the thing that was between us that sucked, you don't talk about, and you're like, I don't know. Unless you go like, I have to... relay this story.

Well, if you're relaying, like you said, being hit or something like real abuse, I understand, but if you're just like, yeah, he just sucked. Why do you have to tell everybody somebody sucked?

Every time you start arguing, you'd be like, is your phone fucking recording this?

You shouldn't talk like that. Yeah. Um, wait, so this is your first, I wanted to point out, this is your welcome back to Netflix too, right?

Which is, but that's where the most are going to see it.

So we know the origin of chicken fry. Why America's Sweetheart? Great question, Colin. Great question.

And they're also going to release Jew.

To Schultz's response? I think his fans did. Oh, the fans did.

There's this new thing, too, that people do. That is in this world where if somebody goes, like, if they would find that story, they see a video, and somebody goes, wait, what is, like, what's the story here? A fan will always go, this is none of your business. Stay out of other people's business. And you're like, what? This is a fucking public platform. People are like, it doesn't involve you.

And you're like, huh? I'm not on the street. Yeah, this is just, I want to know what the story is here. And they're like, not for you. Oh, okay. How do you know about me? I'll just ask somebody else. Thanks. Does Blue Chew work? If you're asking that question, we want you to know that Blue Chew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free.

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Oh, you got involved in it?

You mean Stop Asian Hate? Yes, Asian Hate. Stop Asian Hate.

I had a visceral response. to the Will Smith slapping Chris Rock thing.

I was worked up. I let it out online, but then I let it out in interviews. I think when I let it out online, I guess I was typing things out. I was like, fuck this bitch. Talking about...

the wife and like and also and people were doing the same thing to me where they were like this ain't your business man stay out of black folk business and I was like yeah that's not what this is like this happened on stage and this is a comedian that got hit for saying something and they were like let them handle this and I was like no I can weigh in on this if I want to but then I was in New York that week and I'm walking down the street and this black dude just walks by me and he goes

And I was like, oh, this is like the residual effect. I was like, oh, shit. Now I have to keep my head on a swivel. But they were into it. They were into it. Yeah, yeah. But then it just became like, it started as like an emotional reaction. And then I started trolling. Right. Because it was like. They're right there. They're presenting themselves for you. Yeah, it just took off on it. Yeah.

Oh, it's the best. It's fun, though.

300 pounds of lean muscle. He was 285 when he got in the league. At LSU? Yeah, and he would run the... Remember, he would sometimes take the ball up himself. They would just dish it to him, and he would run up the court the way he would move.

Or the other one that gets comedians to go like, wait, what? Is if you go, you know who you remind me of? Oh, no. And then they'll be like, because all the comedians will do is think of whoever the five best comedians are. And they'll be like, one of them, right?

And as soon as you say somebody who isn't, they're like, wait, what? You reminded me of who? And that will get any comic fired up. You remind me of, and then just say anybody. Anybody who's not one of the elite five. Always gets a reaction. By the way, can you do, because you were doing a really awesome impression before we started.

Of who? Of Winston Churchill.

It sounds like the 1920s.

Hey, talks like this. Wouldn't it be like wayward steps? Wouldn't you throw some brick?

Oh, sure. Just like some guidance. Okay. Our wayward steps are planted without best planted with that. What the fuck kind of quote is this? I don't know. I fucked it up. Without too much calculation. I mean, he doesn't talk like this.

Just so you know, I don't care. Right. Yeah.

I also, part of it is that when you come in, he's going like, how's this guy alive?

Yeah, because sometimes you come in, right, and he's just like, what's going on? You all right?

Tag, tag, tag.

How would you run the show? How would it be different? What would you do? You would just be like, welcome to the Burt experience?

Wow. You're crushing it.

And then like, what's the first like conversation?

All right. Okay, we'll help you. Hey, man, have you seen Bert shoot a bow and arrow?

Does anyone at this table know anything about archery?

Just like that, kind of lob it up.

Oh, what? You ever shot a bow and arrow?

Yeah, it is crazy.

It's a higher percentage than he wants to say. Yeah.

When a black guy's like, dude, I like your shoes. You're like, oh. No, true. I think there's a scale of black compliments. Yeah. It's like there's a black guy complimenting your outfit overall. That's fresh on is like, oh. And if he specifies your kicks, that's a pretty. Wow. And then... If you liked your stand-up? I was saying, if a black guy tells you you're funny, it's just way higher.

I really appreciate it. That's really cool of you. It's four to one minimum. So there's that one. Then there's, oh, complimenting your athleticism.

that's i've never gotten oh my god that is a that's really high on the scale like if they just go man oh you got ups something like casual you're like crazy like pickup game and something like yeah that's and then i guess the then talking about you're like saying you have a nice dick that one's really high and then look at the piece on him yeah tommy take it out of her mouth yeah

It's high up there.

When did you shoot this one?

Yeah, you're one of the first people that I thought of.

Well, the guy did turn around and definitely saw him, but he saw a masked guy. After he fell? When you see the footage, yeah, he turns and goes... Oh, who is this?

He does, he has kids. He has kids. He also came from a real working class background and became a CEO.

Why did he kill him? because he basically thinks that, well, using the guy as a symbol for healthcare in America and how callous and careless and hopeless. I have that healthcare.

Yeah, but a lot of it, too, was about how so many people are put in, like, your claim's denied. Oh, yeah. And they need life-saving, sometimes, care.

Well, we're capable. So people who have free healthcare, a lot of times, if they're of means, a lot of times they don't talk about, in Canada...

parts of europe where they go it's on the house here like there's still year plus long waits for certain procedures so people of means there will fly over but these people are writing check they're people who can afford to go like i want to go to the mayo clinic you know here you go so they're not going through insurance in that position you know i mean okay can i ask a can i ask a crazy question you cannot answer it if you want

Well, I don't know. I mean, we have insurance, and it was just a matter of being diagnosed, and we want to see this doctor. Our plan allowed us to see this doctor, and then the appointment was within days.

Yeah, I mean, we have it through a large insurance company. Yeah, I think we do too.

Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, it could've, I mean, the benefit we have, obviously, is like, if somebody had been like, we're not gonna do this, I could've come out of pocket for it. But a lot of people aren't in that position, you know, so.

It's not good for priests. What's an inherently good or seemingly inherently good track to take in your professional life besides medicine? Medicine's like the ultimate.

We accept that a lawyer can be a piece of shit. We almost expect them to be. Doctors are never crooked. Lawyers are always crooked.

I learned that with, like, veterinary care. If you have, like, a sick animal, like, whatever it was, like, 12 years ago. That dog? Yeah, they were like, it's like a, yeah, yeah, we were like, this dog, we had him for like a week. And he had this horrible life threat. And they put him in the thing. They're like, it's $1,000 a day. And so we did it for a couple days.

And I was like, hey, I can't just keep doing $1,000 a day. And they're like, well, what can you do? I was like, I don't know, a couple hundred. And they're like, okay. It just shifted to that. Was that always available? They were just like, yeah, fine.

Yeah, that one you gave us. Oh, okay. Yeah, and then they kept them there on $200 a day.

If you tell Eastern European people that you have surgery for your dog, they just laugh. You know that? We were at a party one time. I was talking to a man. He was like, this guy was like, wait, you do what for your dog? And we're like, yeah, the surgery. Like, surgery? No. No, you just put the dog outside. You shoot it in the head.

Yeah.

Yeah. You have a resort for your dog.

I had a guy get so worked up, an Uber driver, about JFK assassination. And I didn't even ask for it. I didn't even ask for it. That's great. I was just like, I think I was in Nebraska. And he's like, where are you from? And I was like, Austin. He's like, I was just in Dallas.

let me tell you something man zero fucking doubt there's zero fucking doubt cia and i was like uh you know what i actually don't need to go that far if you could just pull over he gave me like all that i was like yeah he goes here's this guy's number if you want to get on the tour he gives me the guy's number i was like cool you know he's like he laid out everybody involved and i was like you just did this huh he's like yeah he was like 70 wow it's tough to argue with him it's like they're set cool man

Yeah.

No way. Oh, here it is. It's so good.

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What is that one? French police officers play gun drawing game on each other. Female officer shot dead by her partner, who apparently had the faster draw. Apparently. Apparently.

This is an old story. They're telling this story fucking five years later?

It's really not. By the way, that Michelle Mann thing, the level of disrespect involved in that story. Can you imagine that you're her? She's like, come on, man. I was just married to the guy you don't like.

And they're like, you got a dick. It's like, it's fucking... No, dude, it's so disrespectful.

He's in jail?

I know, man. I want to hear some of those beats again. Yeah. So wait, what happens to all his money? I get frozen assets they freeze them right now, and they also he offered about 50 million dollars bail And they were like no why because you're gone.

He would disappear because he's too much of a flight risk Yeah, and like but you know to offer up he offered up I think his bel-air house or Beverly Hills house and my favorite is that he was like and my mom's house So he was like fuck her

Yeah, so. Jesus. They were like, no. Which just shows you that someone's a flight risk, but also you probably have some pretty damning evidence to deny that person.

Also like, he had the wherewithal to back like, 10 plus years ago being like no phones. Before that became like a thing. Who did he? Yeah. People would go to these yacht parties and Hampton parties and you'd have to turn your phone in. So smart. Yeah.

Brianna Chicken Fry. Huh?

What a betrayal. I thought he only ate subs. I remember. Here's what I remember about Jared. when we got to the set on the first thing, it was June in Jersey as we were shooting the first commercial. It was fucking humid, super hot. And they had like a shitty trailer for me. Cause even though I was starring in them with him, I was the new hire.

So it was like, and it was like, like, you know, just weak AC. It's like fucking a hundred degrees. And he had a, he had a fucking like tour bus, you know, like a, it's decked out. And he's like, Hey, if you want, could I see,

just you can go in my bus and i was like oh thanks man so he went there i go in there there's fucking pictures of kids every shut up so shut up but i hang out in his in his thing what are you casting and then and then we shot for the we shot for the day and then we go back to the city And we were at the W Hotel. There's like four W Hotels. I remember that in New York.

We're at one of them, and he's like, hey, do you want to split a pizza? And I was like, all right. And he's like, yeah, man, they keep telling me I'm gaining weight. Because this whole thing was like... Can't gain weight. He's like, you know, fucking assholes. Anyway, just want to get a pizza? I was like, sure, that'll help. So I had a couple slices of pizza. And he's a terribly...

uncharismatic guy if you remember like he's actually bad as an actor on on film like there's nothing like they just kind of show him holding the old pants that's all yeah and when i'm saying when he had to deliver lines he was always like you know like just kind of the nerd Right, like if he was an actor, he would never get a job as an actor.

I've never met, I'm trying to think, I've never met a child molester. Which I would never, here's the thing, you never... I would never walk away from that meat engagement with him thinking, what an evil guy, right? It's that it's a hidden thing. I grew up with a serial killer.

I know exactly who you're talking about. Brianna Chicken Fry. Who is she dating? She was dating that country singer. What's his name? I forgot his name right now. Zach Bryant. Zach Bryant, yeah. Why do you keep saying her name wrong? I'm not saying her name wrong. You are. You keep saying it wrong.

That is, because they're not going to put their resources really into it. And nobody misses them right away? No.

You're not going to consider them? Nope. You won't even put them on the maybes. No. Yeah, but that actually sounds racist. Yeah, why not? No, no, no.

But wait, why can't they get their consideration to be killed? Okay.

Do you keep throwing... Oh, chicken fry? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, chicken fry? You said chicken fried. Yeah, you said fried every time.

Is that a real person? Yeah, she's a comedian. Would you kill somebody like that? If you were going to kill a woman, let's just say you're living out your fantasy. Yeah, there's Zarna Garg.

Oh, boy.

It's to kill a woman. Do you want to see life leave her eyes? Or do you want her to be asleep and just like you hit her in the head with a hammer or something? Do you want to be touching them while they? You want to see it.

That's what that guy did. Cleveland? No, Rodney Alcala. He would choke them out, and then right before they died, he would let go and have them come back and then do it again. Do you know which one? Do you ever hear the one?

Okay, wait.

That's what Anonymous does. Is that not fucking insane? That comedian, that cop... that was with women in, I think it was either Baton Rouge or Lafayette, maybe Lafayette.

He would tell women, he was like, when he was done, when he was done, he'd be like, you know, this window's not secure, and you should really have locks, and you really should get a better security system for your house, like as advice, and they were like, cool, thanks.

He worked for ADT? Yeah, he would set up your alarm system.

But knowing you could is kind of like doing it. Or like some confrontation where someone's like, fuck you, man. And you're just like, well, you don't know how this could go.

No. This is when you're thinking of serial killers right now.

Wait, you do a beer when you land?

Did she go to the store? No, really? I mean, she would get a lot of attention at the store. Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else.

Soon. Yeah.

This episode hit a lot of notes. It did hit a lot of notes. I love you guys. America's Sweetheart premieres January 14th on Netflix.

Two here, two there, two everywhere.

That's right. Set it up right now.

We weren't even drinking.

Thanks for coming, dude.

Hey, congratulations. Congrats on the special. Thank you, guys. Awesome. We'll see you guys next week.

No, he's changing her tires. It looks like a guy that would fill up the tires at the shop, and then she'd be like, thank you. She's gorgeous. And that would be the highlight of his day. You see that chick pull him, and I filled up her tires. She's so hot. Bro, tell us about what she smelled like. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, well, no one on the list is a reasonable person. Not one. They're all out of their fucking minds. Bruce is the closest. Because that's what... Yeah, and I think he's full of shit, too. Madonna's crazy. Metallica guys, it's a spectrum.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. A young Madonna.

I know who that is. Luis Miguel, this is how his life is. He will go perform, and I'm saying soaking, soaking, sweating. Take that shirt off. Throw it, and the women will take it and drink the water from his sweat.

Yeah, dude. What do you think that does to your head? He's not a well-adjusted guy. There's no fucking way. Playoffs? We're talking about playoffs. You bet we are. Get in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Scoring touchdowns is key to winning in the playoffs.

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Because I'm a podcaster.

attention attention army of garbage the boys are back on the road for the back on the block poor baby talking about stand-up comedy plus we play are you garbage live with the crowd it's a great way to introduce people to the show so grab the squad come out and see us

Sometimes you're like, what the fuck?

I would assume your digestional track is probably pretty weathered and pretty strong at this point.

Yeah.

I've had kangaroo and ostrich. Great. Yeah, I've had both of them. Where? Australia? I had it right here in fucking New York City, baby.

He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Word on the street he's going to open up a Cold Stone. Creamery. Okay. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What the fuck happened to you over the weekend?

They served you homeless and called it kangaroo.

Now, this was at the Waterfront Ale House on 30th and 2nd.

Let's talk about true work. Shut up to true work, gang. Gang, true work is hell-bent on creating the most technical, high-performance workwear in the world. The true work story begins in the Colorado mountains where a trade worker knew there had to be a better solution than wet, heavy gear that was weighing him down. And that is when true work was born.

Gang, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh, yeah. Gang, let's talk about talk therapy, baby. We're big fans of BetterHelp over here on the pod. As you know, I've just gotten into talk therapy, and I can tell you right now, no matter what's going on, it's better to talk about it than to keep it in. Keep it all bottled. Then you lash out at your coworkers. Woo! You said it, dickhead.

I'll tell you that right now. Gang, do yourself a favor. If you got something big going on, if you have something maybe unresolved from your childhood, which apparently I had. I don't know what this guy's problem is, but apparently I'm a little bit of screwballs. Sure. Do yourself a favor. All right. Talk it out, man. It's not worth it. Blow off some steam, whether it's big, whether it's small.

Get on the phone. Get on the video. Do what you need to do and talk it out with better help.

I apologize to you for that.

And, buddy, again, congratulations. We love you.

You wanted me to be impressed by your shuffling skills.

Well, let's start right there.

I swear to fucking God. What is the question? You just looked at me like, yeah, pretty cool. Not showing for a couple of days. You like that, fatty? This is from Tony.

Absolutely. Again, we could be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's family at this point.

You're ripping me off. Fuck you. Literally, that's the kind of stuff that I'll say. We'll be sitting there having a nice night after a lovely meal. Nice $4 shake over at the Oak Court. Shake it up here.

He's been up, he's been down, he's been trash, he's been class, he's been crazy, he's been not crazy. He's tried to smoke in here several times. And he's got a brand new special out right now on Netflix that you got to check out. Give it up for America's sweetheart, Mr. Ari Shafir. Thank you, everybody. There he is. Look at him.

Dude, he doesn't realize it. He gets a couple of them fucking drinks.

No, listen. You fucking piece of shit. You fucking screwed me. Something like that.

Watch, this guy's a real fucking scumbag before you sit down.

You know, call him a low-life piece of shit. Just having fun.

It went behind one of the wheel of a fortune machine to start shitting in your pants.

So it's like out front of like, you know. Plus a cemetery on a nice day is a nice. Beautiful backdrop.

Good backlighting.

Do Jewish people do open caskets? What's the rule on that?

Okay.

I respect that. Is there a viewing?

Somebody's got to stay and hang out.

That's not too shabby.

And so we do two-hour shifts.

Wait, I thought a family member would do that.

Sure is dead.

It just feels like the graduates are just like, whoa.

What, are they naked?

Oh, it is?

Would you do a mausoleum? You know, the little things that are above ground?

Don't you hang out in there? Like, your boys could come, like, catch a heater. Gotta have a lot of cash for that. Those things are expensive as shit.

That's a think piece.

That's the good stuff, too.

I know. I'm trying to. I'm trying to. This guy over here.

I like it.

Thizzen, peace.

You would go to Graves and you would pour out some Southern comfort?

I used to tweeze mine in high school. That was my big thing. Really? Yeah. Tweezed it. I was doing it in high school. It was bad.

We got Christmas ale. Bring it. Yeah. Bring it. You all right? Yeah.

Yeah.

Start drinking now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I respect the move.

Christmas just passed. What are you talking? It's fucking January. That's from last year.

That one's all right. What is that? Brooklyn. Brooklyn what?

Halloween ale.

Yeah. I think from doing it so much, it went away.

I don't know. What's the right way? They always say, do you want it natural or squared?

Yeah, we get it. Yeah. How else would you do it? Shave it? Yeah, I shaved it sometimes. That was bad. Yeah, but you get nicked up on that.

The way it would normally end.

It's a bad look. Here's the, when they don't go down enough, when it's not like in a one, when it gets down to the neck, when it's at like a three.

And they do that. It looks like you're wearing a piece. It hangs over the natural hairline. That and over the ears. Sometimes if they're going over the ears and they go too far out when they go over.

Have them just buzz it. Yeah.

So there's no in between anymore.

Why? You suck it up for a couple of months, you'll be all right?

Two weeks so the ink starts to go away.

Whatever those little things are. That's the hair. Oh, it is? Yeah. That's your new hairline. I thought there was little dots and that's how they put it in there. Like they put the dots there. That's the hair. That's the new hair follicle. Oh, it is?

No, I thought they put little dots. Like they put a thing over you, put little dots, and then that's where they know where to put a tracer.

Nice. Got good separation. You have hair on your shoulders?

I'm like, check out this new fake hair. I'm back. A couple of months, you sluts will all be sorry.

Did you have it on your shoulders in high school?

Let's make it a comedian's trip. Pretty cool. You get some more hair? No, I would go just for the desserts. Are you kidding me?

A couple of pistachios.

I'm a sucker for all that food, man. A couple of dates, a little bit of fucking hummus.

Have you ever had Turkish Delight before? No. It's like a nougat. I'm a Hershey man. Nougat mixed with gummy. Yeah. Got a little chew to it. Yeah, it's got some chew. Couple almonds.

Oh, nowhere else I could think that I'd want more hair. More patchy hair. You must have been an odd-looking kid.

Facts, facts.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, but the kid in high school that had the fucking hair back here was fucking a rough look. I used to have to shave my brothers every couple of weeks. The tornado down the back.

Who's doing the math? Welcome, Miss Cleo. Have a nice day, man.

His cousin.

Oh, that's the worst haircut of all time.

Mark Davis. Mark Davis. Oh, my God. What a dork. His dad carried him with a little bit of schwagger.

He's doing his thing now.

I guess what? I don't want him coming looking for me.

It's a coin flip of what Ari looks like. you're going to get. Yeah, you can look very debonair and suave. And even when you shave the top, sometimes that looks better.

I'll do it on a seatbelt. I'll stick my hands... Seatbelt rules. Seatbelt really helps you... But then why not pocket? I'll stick it underneath the seatbelt.

What about a tuck into the... Totally tuck. Underneath the balls, cupping the balls.

Looks like you're waiting for a bus or something. That ain't right. That's sacrilegious. You've been robbed one too many times.

You look put together.

I want Ari to get to that next beer because I want to see how bad. That's a scotch ale. What the hell is that? This is not a bad IPA.

Ari Shafir loves penis.

Fuddruckers? Mixing beers?

Like the crown?

Yeah, I've done a mixture before. Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn't know Fuddruckers was the same as for it. I think, yeah, they had their own.

I know exactly who did it. The guy who owns that burger place. The guy with the gray mutton chops that owns that burger place. Do I know him personally? No. Oh. Superior Audio Burger?

I think they put a pickle in it, too. Ugh. I'm pretty sure.

Newcastle? Nah. They're okay. No, really? Nah. It was always something that some like... Cool guy hat. Yeah, some hippie guy was trying to push on me.

Imagine him 14, 15.

I don't care what your haircut looks like.

Man, that is tough.

Yeah, exactly. What 10-year-old doesn't want to go like, that new husband was a huge pussy and scared of the dad for sure. Yeah.

He's America's sweetheart.

This isn't similar, but it reminded me of when sometimes if we were going to stay at my cousin's and my parents were going somewhere, they lived right off the turnpike. And there was, like, a get-on, like, for emergency vehicles. Hold on. A get-on? Yeah. A get-on.

It wasn't an on-ramp. It's not a get-on. I know that much. It wasn't an on-ramp. It was just a gate, like, in case there was a bad accident. They could put emergency— An access—an emergency access. Yes. So they would just pull off the turnpike and let us out, and we would sneak through the chain-link fence, and my aunt and uncle would pick us up, and they'd take us to their house for the weekend.

Wow.

It paid a toll. It paid a toll, yeah.

Actually, you know what?

Not a ration, like a portion.

That's a good place to do that to somebody.

Two different people. Let's go take a picture with this semi-homeless man.

Yeah. If you're doing that. They would hurt, too, if somebody would throw one at you or when they push you down on your bike. Man, those fucking. You can't block it. No, yeah. There's no soft part you can try to. Part catches like your elbow bone or something like that.

No, cut through is definitely a through. And a get on isn't?

You get on at the cut through.

I get that sometimes from little kids. They look at me like that. I've seen it.

This is clearly a sober person's action.

They still probably got a ticket for it, though, right?

How the fuck did my car get hit? I'm home all night with my kids, and I got to hear this shit?

Yeah. One kid one time, I was... Put a dollar in your belly button? Like the Western Wall?

Do you have evidence of that? Yeah, he's like, your fingerprint's in there. No shit, it's my car. Yeah, it's my car. We had that in high school, too. My buddy was driving. He had a couple Chardonnays in him, and we pulled him. Which we don't condone, by the way. Of course. Don't do that out there. It's a different time, of course. Don't be silly. To use my platform for good.

We pulled into a Denny's, and this cop pulled in behind us. And we literally both got out from our perspective doors and just met. And he's like, say you were driving. And I'm like, all right, no problem. And the guy was right behind us. He's like, hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, nothing. I'm driving. Wait, who's driving? I'm like, I was. He's like, really? And just fucking bought it.

I remember when we went inside, we're like, this fucking moron.

So you girls go to St. Joe's, huh?

Got me!

Trying to take a nap here. You know those things that you shower in after when you're done on the beach, like the little public little sprinklers? I was in one of those. I was rinsing off some sand on me because I had been rolling around on the beach. And some Dorito dust on my back. It's like a dog. You get in there and it's like, whoo, shake. I'm biting at it.

Slippers too.

Don't bleep that. You know what else is great? You know what else is great? Cut it, print it. America's Sweetheart on Netflix starring Ari Shaffir.

What the fuck? Somebody's got to vacuum that up, though.

She was definitely a rascal towards the end of her days, for sure. That was lung cancer. Lung cancer got her.

You'd get some hard candy from her, though, maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She's going to get vacuumed up.

Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins.

And this kid was like, this kid pointed at me and he goes, Mommy, why is his belly so big?

Yeah, it is.

Wait, from like a regular movie one? No, like a plastic one. Oh, yeah, a plastic one. That's coming home with me. It's coming home. I'm throwing that out. I used to do that. I mean, cups. Same thing with the little helmets.

Come on, what am I, an asshole?

Small serving size. You're old enough to remember the little football helmets, right, that you would get in the vending machines? They were the best.

It was almost impossible to collect all of them, though. It was.

Houston Oilers were tough to get to.

Because your dad laughed. Now beat it. What did you do? I just started laughing. You know, you got to play. Little kids, you got to play along. I've been called Santa Claus a couple of times. Mommy, is that Santa Claus? Or daddy, is that Santa Claus? And you're on the bad list.

Never. It's not a normal thing. Check the Bennegan's in Tel Aviv.

Let's go. There's some old meads. And he can mix and match here. Make a suicide.

He's a good time.

Or just get some bumps.

We'll put the Fitbit on.

Gang, you special?

Oh, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I wanted to do this one. That was a big closer right there.

I was broadcasting 101 right there. I was about to hit it.

Hey, it's our party.

There's some little Jewish kid in there watching me. Can't leave him alone. Look at that right there. Boom. America's sweetheart. Boom. That's how I close it. We'll see you out on the road. See that? No, this one's good. What do you got? Here we go.

That's how they get you. The rules are bad there. You always die in a lazy river. Wow.

The crazy thing in the water is sometimes nobody sees you. Nobody notices. And you just have the most traumatic experience of your life, and everyone's like, what the fuck are you looking at? The hot dogs are done.

I used to hate getting dunked in the water. That's my biggest fear. When the older kids would get into the community pool, start dunking young kids.

Gang, the special is America's Sweetheart. There it is. See how you do that right there?

America's Sweetheart, Ari Shaffir on Netflix streaming right now. Do yourself a favor, go over there and check it out.

We love you. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.

Yeah, he was jamming it up.

I got to tell you, I respect the move.

Dude, if you're in an office like that and you're not playing fucking chess with the roadways, you're crazy.

Sure, okay. Shut down the Empire State Building one day. Just to get some gigs. Put fucking cones up everywhere.

Buddy, can we tell you this? Yeah. We love you. Yeah, I love you guys too. Congrats on the spesh. And that's all the time we have for today. A hot seven minutes. Are you leaving, huh?

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out that you're to be classy. Yeah. Or to just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new addition.

Where'd you score that kind of greenery?

Was it fake? All real. No, it wasn't.

That's how real it was. It looked like you were in a video game.

They're real.

Don't touch it. His guy's named Steven. Ari, don't touch it. They're poisonous, Ari.

Oh, my God. No, they weren't all real.

You just threw all that out? Everybody gets to take it home like a centerpiece at a wedding.

That's pretty cute. I like that. Yeah, they went nuts.

Because that's very in style these days is to have a wall of green here like that. Did you know that?

A living wall, they call it, I believe. Yeah.

Very classy of you. Can I tell you that? Whoa. That's one point in your favor.

Starts broken work because of the stress. Yeah.

Old Testament. On the scroll. Yeah, touch the back of the scroll. Trying to get you into technicality. You'll swear in the New Testament anything in a week.

She's upstairs practicing bending spoons with her mind. Oh. Okay. Is that an H. Foley original? No. That's some Tootie's tall can over there on the old Patreon. I thought it was a thick piece.

Tootie, stop. Tootie, stop.

Can I be honest?

Thank you.

No, you go a day. Okay? Yeah. And then the next day goes again. You don't shower. Yeah. You really start to get into like a film and a feeling that I know is not good and probably somewhere in the depression sphere.

Yeah, they distance themselves. Because I don't get, like, you strike me, and no disrespect, you strike me as a traditional B.O. kind of guy. Like, you got real hoagie smell, I would assume. Yeah, I'm not a curry guy. You're right up the middle.

I'm a fat guy B.O., a little bit of, it's like musky and sour. Yeah.

Who says you can't smell your own farts? You can't smell your own farts.

I've got to really use her hands. Yeah, see? You had to think into it. Ari got it. You didn't. Sure. This guy, you're a real popcorn kind of guy. Bubblegum movies. Here's the think piece right here. That's Tootie's tall can over there on Patreon. I'm having a good time with it. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me. Extremely unamused this week. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?

Yeah. And you seem like a right up the middle extra onions. A little bit of oregano, red wine vinegar. A little hummus-y too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make my own paste.

Taziki Shafir. That's pretty good.

Taziki.

And everyone's like, no one's near my booth. 20 feet away.

I dated a Polish girl one time, her old man. Congratulations. Yeah, they really are dumb, huh? It's really cool. Nothing on this.

Her dad came over. Man, you didn't know what it was. The scent was nuts.

The BO, and I've said it before, the dumps were unbelievable. You couldn't piece it together. You couldn't even figure out the food group to try to track it down. It was just strange.

Hey, how are you? Yes.

On paper, I thought, I was like, this is going to be incredible. Honestly, kind of like slam ball. Yeah. On the trampoline. Slam ball was pretty great. I thought it was going to be incredible. They would take a fucking bull. XFL, trash, roller derby, trash.

That was a curveball, and I was like, wow. How old is she? Well, you should have investigated.

It's the producers going like, we don't know. We'd love to find out. There's only one way to find out. I didn't feel like 16. I felt weird. Yeah, that's... But that law that they passed, it is helpful. I think it's good, yeah.

When they went to pass the law, you protested. Because any other time, you'd be like, yeah, go ahead, get rid of it. Until you're horny. Yeah. Then when you're horny, you go, what the fuck have they done? That's what I'm saying. What have they taken from us?

What is that?

The pie was in the window sill, and you were going...

I announced the pie. You said I'm going to pie.

You needed me there to pull your hips.

I needed to help you out.

Three point one four.

They're going to scissor.

And you can remember this when you're back on.

Oh, you went into it sexual. I went into it strictly for the game. You went for the love. Sounds like a cool sport.

You shouldn't be seeing wild ladies. Yeah. This isn't even like a normal.

Last time I tried it, it was a month. It was in Edinburgh. It started in Ireland. And it was one night. Some old skank was like, I was like, nah. But then I was like, shut up. Because like three days later, I'm like, I'm not beating off. No porn or nothing. And then like two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people.

And he was like, you want to hang out? I was like, yes, I do. Let's hang out. I'd like to. I'd love to talk to you. Let's go out. Yeah. So Ari, you've got the new special coming out. You were just in the Blockbuster, Nosferatu. What else? What's next? What's next? I thought the movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it. It's a fair guess. Yeah.

I thought it was like, I was like, oh, cool. Like, you know, yeah.

i thought it was something like lying i swear to god i'm not being silly i thought it was a lion king spinoff i was like see what nosferatu i thought it was like mufasa it was a lot about gay fucking yeah i'm like what the hell it was gay sex it was a lot about gay innuendo gay fucking oh dang i was excited to see that remember that salt lake city uh documentary about that guy who who stole that kid and fucked her and then the parents like hey where's our kid yes hilarious and then he fucked the mom you know what i mean yeah and then later the dad was like

He brought me the card.

Guy ruled. And then kidnapped the daughter or something. Was that the same one where he was like, I'm an alien? Yeah, I think so. Put her in the back of an RV with a walkie-talkie. It was like, this is from outer space. You have to have sex.

The Utes are, yeah. But that's what Nosferatu is, pretty much. He's fucking everybody. What? Making them all jealous of each other. Is he a horny fucking vampire? Yeah, everywhere else was horny, and then it was all about, like, love triangle, and, like...

I'm like, yeah, I take that one chick and they just launch her. Yeah, that's fun. And then someone else is like, close line. You're like, oh, fuck, why'd you launch me? Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, that's like prison. Right? No, no, no. It's not like prison because in prison you only have the option of gay sex. Yeah, but you've, you know. You justified that quick, bro. It's prison. You're in a prison of eternity. I think you get bored and you're like, none of this matters. There's no God. I'm not going to heaven. True. That part's out. Yeah, but also you're a vampire. You're very gay.

You've got to dress gay. Flying around.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, no names in the national title. I can't wait to see what they do.

You'd give it up. Yeah, true. And then if you were like a villager, you'd be like, I want to fuck Nosferatu.

Just get like a job. Yeah, that'd be pretty tight. Yeah, yeah. Does he just appear in people's rooms at night or something? No, they have to go find him. They find him and he fucks them? He appeared in this one chick's, spoiler alert, he cheered at this one chick's dreams and like fucked her when she was probably like 11 or something, but like adult back then. Romania adult. Probably 13.

In the movie? Yeah. yeah and then like disappeared but pretty much just subtext going wait for me i'll test you she goes i will and then 30 years she's gone she's like well i found another guy and he was like no that's not cool and then calls for that other guy and fucks the guy fucks and bleeds him oh sick yeah well little fucky sucky little fucking suck

They're all kind of, yeah, they're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts. Yeah, true. You know.

And then just so he can tell the lady, he's like, oh, your husband, he's not.

I fucked your husband and killed him.

Didn't kill him, sent him back. As like a bitch, as like a punk. That's what they say in prison, right, Nate? Is it punk?

Is that the term, punk?

Yeah.

I ain't no punk, I'm a, you a new fool.

yeah what's uh yeah it was like girls they wear like you know i mean they have like throwback tattoos of yeah they were like um what's that word i'm looking for uh what's it betty rockabilly is that it no burlesque i'm thinking of burlesque dancers yeah it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other yeah burlesque dance you've ever felt you've ever gotten into that

You ever felt bad about it, like the machinist? The what? He felt bad. He was like, I'd rather be in there.

Yeah. Chief status, sir. It's true. He's doing well. He was kind of a top boy.

Oh, which is like, yeah. Yeah, he was. He was just like. That's what they call his butt. The jizz lane. You know SPR.org? No, what's that? It's supposed to be for understanding and stuff, but it's stopprisonrape.org. And it was just like survivor's tales and stuff. You're not supposed to laugh

for months at a time at it but yeah it's like poems and stuff what is a poem about the number seven the seventh guy to gang rape him and he goes that's when i fell in love because he was nice oh my he whispered he whispered this will be over soon he goes oh this guy cares holy shit yeah it's really crazy man they get in there and they go full like girlfriend mode and it's like and dudes are just like kind of pumped to be a girlfriend

Which, it sucks that that's what it is and it's not Shot Caller. You know what I mean? The movie Shot Caller, the guy gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis. That's everybody's dream. Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI and become the head Nazi in a prison. Yeah, because you have to. But in reality, you're going to get a DUI and just be a punk.

You don't have to? No, you don't have to be a punk. What if you're good looking? What if you're a dreamboat?

I'd be punked. No way. What's the nod? You? No, just definitely not you. Oh. You think guys would fuck you? I hope not. I hope not, Shane. I'm not looking for it. But you said you'd be punked. You'd be a punk. I feel like I would. Of the three of us? No, you first. You're the cutest. I would be punked. You're the most handsome. How would you avoid it?

Oh, you'd be fucked in there. Like Klinger from Ash? You'd get fucked in there. I know. I'm like, I'm bald.

Yeah. Who wants to get filter fish for protection?

yeah what does happen to the jews in there that you just have to join the arian brotherhood no they don't want them and the blacks don't want them you're technically others but i think a lot of jews probably join up with white people and they usually kind of keep it like i had a uh remember those amazing racist videos so a white power website found it the white white revolution.com and so they loved it but also they didn't love this so the headline was jew boys got the right idea yeah that's funny yeah

Yeah. I don't know if Jew Man would have been nice. Yeah, true, true. Come on, some respect. Didn't have to diminish you. Put some respect on her name.

i've had to do stand-up shows at some of those and again something i thought i'd be into the exactly you see the dancing you know it's the same as stand-up fucking the low-level ones they're like please come free drinks yeah yeah burlesque is pretty i like yeah the same way i'm like oh yeah it's gonna be awesome and you're like this is this sucks i don't even want to see these girls do this and you're like take it all off like we don't take it all off we take some off

hail storm what's the storm front storm front what storm front isn't that the that's the white nationalist is it really yeah that's their like publication i think so this is what else we got going on

That's a long time.

Oh, yeah. You've been getting... Yeah, maca root, dude. If you take maca root... You've been performance enhancing.

I'll get hard right now. Let's change the arc of this podcast. That'd be pretty tight. I don't know. These guys are battling. You've got boners. You've got a special. I'm playing hell that loose. They got a new hat. That's it. Pretty much. But don't you think they should have ops? These guys, yeah. I think there should be some conflict. What's ops? Opposition.

They should be battling their contemporaries.

I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice fucking guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me. They're like, Ari's great. He's so nice. He helps other cops. I know he's a fucking devil. Only when the cameras are on, I'll give a dollar to an open mic-er. You're a sack of shit. And then I'll take it back. Well, yeah, it's exciting stuff, dude. Thanks.

That's a Gardini guarantee?

yeah who do you think you match up with in the the squad the kill tony squad versus you guys maybe like uh aaron it's got to be it's a lot yeah blouse the man dude he might i know he's cool he ain't gonna do to you i think i could take already maddie versus james mccann we got yeah we got to battle our foreigners yeah the foreigners neighbors Cam. I mean, I guess LaMare.

Well, finish off Belial fast. Yeah.

I mean, LaMare's getting winded fast. No, he's the juggernaut.

Just run at them with his hands out. Yeah. That's the Gardini guarantee. It's a good guarantee. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

I was hoping you had a subject.

All I got is hell let loose. You're a subject master.

I don't know.

Yeah, he was hitting him with like, you're a young guy. He's like, I'm an old guy. I've been around. What you've done is pretty impressive so far. Good job, son. He just beat him. Fuck off. And then he beat him. Was he negative though?

The coach has a straight. He was just saying, oh, I wish I had hair like that. He's like, how old are you, man? God damn. So nice. You're so young. That's pretty funny. Just kind of like. Kind of a nice psych out. I think he might have been trying to get in his head. That's a nice psych out. Yeah, it's kind of nice. Because you know he feels that. I don't belong. I don't belong.

Yeah, it's like librarians. It is. Librarians showing their fucking underwear.

I lost to Northern Illinois University. Matt, have we discussed that clip? What? You called it. What? When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois. Yeah, they're going to fucking come back here. Fucking shit's over. Yeah, you called me a girl. Got to burn it down. I said this is a girlfriend opinion. But I also did say I agree with it.

I was like, right now you're giving me a girlfriend? Because after the loss, I was like, this is like a season. This is like a five-year loss. This is going to cost us. It's not just you lost to Clemson. Yeah. I thought it was like programs fucked for five years. If not for the 12th team playoff. And then Matt was like. It's a galvanizing moment.

Matt was like, or they could come together in unity with this shared depression and rise out of it and go undefeated. That's what he said. I was like, Matt, I love you, but that's a girlfriend opinion.

and then i said also deep down inside yes i 100 believe that that is what is going to happen you see him at the press conference after penn state he was saying that about oh yeah yeah whatever they came together and then he panned over to the to them to like the stars he goes like i'll take an answer this one and it's just two children oh yeah yeah we did our best yeah yeah That's Riley Lane.

That's the quarterback. He's a good Christian boy. Really? A young boy just having fun for the Lord. That's awesome.

They're not masturbating. They're not watching porn. They're not having sex. I don't think they are. I don't want to comment on the boys' jacket off.

Why are you doing this? Does Dewey Decimal not pay well?

No.

Get this. This is the first I'm hearing about this.

No. I stand strongly against burlesque. We're against that. What else is going on?

Run your game.

Plug a show. Rip it, bro. Hurry up. And don't be weird and bashful. Talk like a man. Hello. Get in front of the fucking camera and talk.

Sean, it's too long.

March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK. I was supposed to only do Dublin and London, but my greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday. Please come. It's gonna be awesome. It is gonna be fun. But no, I'm trying to think. Matt, what's going on, dude? Fired up.

Oh, really?

Renizzisi's mom and dad told me that. Because they had Vatican III, they were like, people were upset. And they're like, we remember our parents going, that's not Christianity. You don't face us. That's crazy. Was Vatican II in the 30s? Or when was that? I thought it was in the 50s or 60s. 50s or 60s, I thought. Oh, okay.

Yeah, all right.

And the priest went, oh. Yeah, he went, I like you. God, I didn't know what was going on in here. I didn't know it was popular. How old are they? That was the big come up of Vatican II was just turn around. That was the big.

And it was Latin mass, yeah. Changed from Latin to English.

Yeah, they shake their tits with tassels on them. In front of other weirdos, like five weirdos in a room. Yeah. Long haired, skinny boyfriends just sitting there and just. They always have those scarves that don't actually warm them. Yeah. It's just loose feathers. Decorative scarf. Yeah. Something's flying right now. This podcast is flying. I can feel it. We're going to catch something.

I want to get a good homily. What's a homily? Give me one. I'm open for it. The homily is just when the priest reads something, and then he breaks it down. Yeah, he reads the Bible. This is basically the message for this week. It's for our Torah.

And then it'll be like, you know- The non-Jibberish part. Uh-huh. And then it's like, you know- What you should take from that. Your part. We're talking about your part. Oh, the non-Jibberish part. The Jibberish part. Why am I the Jibberish part? No, we like the New Testament part.

Don't you have like six guys saying the same shit in different words? No. Mark and Tony and Bobby and whatever? Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, dude, don't fucking disrespect the boys. I don't even know what the fucking Torah... What do you guys do? What do you know what we do? I don't even know what you guys do. Pray. Just Star Wars. It's the same thing.

It's like the past is just weak. They were battling in the desert. What can we learn from that? It's that, hey, if you have sand up your ass, maybe you should also wipe or whatever. Whatever the message is.

That was so fucking sick. Honestly, that's what me and my friends do. Go to a bar once a week and go, dude, senior year, we could have beat Lancaster Catholic. That battle with Lancaster Catholic. Huh? What else is going on? That's pretty much all we did, too.

I did not like it.

Yeah.

I don't like silly guys.

It just wasn't right socially. It was not right. Pissed off a lot of people. Angry people pissed off. Nice people it made happy. But it was tough to talk to you. As long as I could talk sideways to you. The best at the cellar, we'd all be talking and someone would be over there. And it'd be like five minutes of Matty Wiener. And then you're like this.

What? No, I was just trying to have a real conversation with you. Yeah, you're just being silly.

How did that go? A lot of angry people got mad? A lot of angry customers, dude.

Yeah, I mean, it's very funny.

It is funny. John's got to find him in a room like Taken when he finds his daughter. Yeah, this is good stuff.

Let's let's talk. Hell let loose. The newest hit video game in my mind. Oh, yeah. Hell let loose. I've been playing as the Nazis.

Nice, nice. He should just keep making them the exact same story, just with different cartoon characters. That'd be sweet. Heathcliff, you got to go to Heathcliff.

Yeah, you showed me the drawings.

course you are you were like you need a cheat code i won't be regular show me the cheat code you don't get to pick which team they put you on but when i do get the nazis a part of me goes i love it shane's like i'll just i'll work the chambers no i'll just work all sims it true do they have the chambers in the game No. It's realistic, bro. They didn't exist. It's a realistic game.

You want to sell some tickets? There was a lot of homies. Yeah, I had 45 minutes.

I know. Because I was going to say, if you were in Atlanta, you'd see them. I know, that's what I was... And they would all sass you.

They're actually nice.

Yeah, it's fucking nice. I do like that.

dude she hates me i i uber or whatever uh door dashed a thermometer she's like 102 or what i was like 106 shit 106 in park she's one of the black person has a fever i have a fever of 106 in park 106 in park that'd be so dangerous but dude she had a fucking she had the flu did she ever hit you back with i told you you need to drink water yes yeah i mean i'm in that deadlock right now every day

Have you drank enough water? All I do is drink water. I chug water. Don't talk to me about drinking water.

It is offensive when someone's like, do you drink any water? Yeah, of course I do. What do I smell like?

dude they don't drink water they're literally cats that was her fucking that was like her hamster bottle i'm like peeping the level i'm like dude it went down that much yeah you had a sip of water some fucking water i'm sorry i'm like so then my sister she has to put those fucking like flavors flavor packs it's like just drink the fucking drink the fucking water not everything has to be soda they won't do it it's crazy i get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee they hit you with the every woman hits you with the fucking i didn't get a good night's sleep

You toss and turn.

What are you laughing about? It's a realistic game. Too realistic.

It fucking sucks to be a chick. It does suck to be a chick.

Their bodies reject shows.

did you every single lady rejects the show why do you do why do i gotta do the thing i love doing and i do for money yeah and then you knew was coming on the schedule for three months straight you knew it's coming why do i do it i go out every oh why are you doing and then there's no show weekends like what do you want to do let's just watch let's just watch some shows yeah that's what you need to be home for that yeah

It's so funny when you talk to old Europeans about it, and they're like, we were talking about the Slovaks, they took it too, and a lot of different people took it hard, and they're like, the gypsies too, and everyone's like, yeah, but they deserve it. Even the Jews are like, come on. Who in your family died in the Holocaust? None of them that I knew. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, obviously.

Oh, I got a good one. That got me. I did San Antonio and Dallas, and I like to come out to dire straits, money for nothing. Nice. Usually hits. When it doesn't hit, I felt like a real turd. I was expecting a very ruckus applause. Yeah. Kind of mediocre. I just walked out. I was like, hey, guys. That was pretty intense, huh? Who was that guitarist, Shane? That's pretty sick. It's nice.

That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world. I've never seen him. He just hit before MTV. The lead singer of Dire Straits. The guy from Genesis. They both couldn't have existed once MTV came around. Who from Genesis? The main guy, not the one who left, but the one who stayed.

Yeah, Phil Collins.

He was in an interview once. He goes, I could never make it now. I'm so ugly. I'm mutually gifted. I don't know how to comb my hair. Dire Straits is some ugly-ass bull.

Wow, wow. Dire Straits. Oh, wow. Let me see. I know. They're not the worst crew. That guy sucks. That guy sucks. I could see you guys coming over as a rock star.

What's his name? Dee Snider was the brother. He was an ugly-ass bull. Mm-hmm. Yeah ugly rock stars a sick life cuz also love making up for lost time Yeah, this is what I should have done in high school true. Yeah, then some Twisted sister looks like fucking even fighters Really? It kind of give me in finance vibes.

Yeah, this guy seems like one of the ugly Dee Snider, that's why they have a big hair to cover it up.

Yeah, I Dee Snider's a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like, I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from. I think Twisted Sister. Who the fuck is Twisted Sister? What's her second biggest hit? We're not gonna take it. What's her second biggest hit? And then it's... Every rose, every rose. Why would you even look at me?

That's a good one. The kids are back. Nobody knows that one. Yeah, you do. It was in, I think it was in Jackass. Sing it all the way through. Toast to Sister Rules. No one knows this yet. This was in Jackass. This is good. I think I know the chorus.

All my dad's greater family, none of his direct. Damn, just like cousins and stuff. Like 35 of them gone. Your grandpa? He survived. Grandma, grandpa, dad, all sisters, and then one of the grandma's brothers.

It hit him hard. It did hit him hard. Late 90s, early 2000s.

It was Tony Hawk era. No, Tony Hawk was way before the 90s.

I saw them at Webster Hall once. Yeah. Did you really? Yeah, it was pretty cool.

You got a skanker on stage?

Damn, that was legitimately a great act out of a musician. Musical instrument.

Yeah. It was really good. Nailed it.

Please.

Please, don't get shy, bro. I know you're shy. Wet your whistle. Wow. The end was incredible. Took that all the way in. Yeah, really pulled it. That's a bold move.

Yeah. You need redemption at the national title. I know, to kick the ball. What do you think about heading down Atlanta way on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title? I might have to. You tried when it missed? Yeah. It was close. How many yards? It was fucking pretty far, dude. It was probably like a 30-yard field goal. 30-yard. Nobody's watching. Nobody's trying to block. No.

Thousands of people. Millions of people on TV. Nobody's blocking, though. No. It's a free kick.

It would have helped. Yeah. Yeah, true.

I would have elevated a little bit. 30 yards.

How close were you? It was a good boot, dude. It was... Did you try one? No. Because you knew you wouldn't do it. I would have fallen down. Charlie Browned yourself. The weirdest part was I went for it. So every week, college game day, they pick a college student to kick. And if the kid makes it, they give them like half a million dollars or $200,000. Damn. Because the kids never make it really.

It's kind of sus, dude.

But Matt went on and kicked it just kind of like as a fun one. And then the kid... who kicked it, tried as hard as he fell twice. Fell? Yeah, it was slippery, dude. It was slippery. I would have torn my ACL doing that. I saw a big dog do that on game day. I heard about that. He was warming up for it and fucking ripped his knee. And got hurt. Wow. Got a couple of brewskis. It's slick.

To survive? Yeah.

You go, I got to kick this. Everyone's watching.

You didn't go sideways?

Yeah, he was trying to kick through.

That's when you can get your leg up to there though. Whoa, chill. Yo, chill, bro.

Nazi paws.

Yes. I should have just done that. Fuck. You are accurate. Fuck. Yes. Maybe. Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in Australia, Aussie football game. And then halftime, they had this thing where you have to go up and do a fair catch. And then they try to hit you. And so they had a guy with a mattress hitting people. Like, do a fair catch. We're going to mattress fucking pummel you.

Oh, see if you can do it? Yeah. One guy missed. You know, they pummel them. Another guy, like, catches it. falls over, and everyone's like, he got it! And then the ball just rolls away, and we're all like, he's out. Game time went like that, and the ball just slowly went away. There was a third guy who was gonna go, and they're like, game's over, game's over. Fuck that guy up. Oh, man.

I mean, that's a really evil thing to say. No, it's just funny.

I got into the slap league algorithm this week.

No, I thought they all got knocked out.

Every time it's Dana White, like, I can't believe that happened. He wasn't guarding himself. He was going to get slapped.

It is disarming when a guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move and he's like, oh, I'm going to fuck you up, bitch. He's about to slap you next.

yes dude i'm hip you are this guy out of control last night he met joe burrow and goes where did you go to school lsu you fool i'm sorry yeah and he doesn't even know the diplomats yeah diplomats i thought that was like public knowledge diplo yeah he's cool he's not not quite what is that local they were just like an earth like a 2000 oh boy hey ma

What is that? I'm just saying, it's kind of weird. Suss? How'd you get out of that? Well, I regret that joke. I regret that one already. It's so funny.

Oh, I do know that.

Is Jim Jones the one who gave out his number? That was Mike Jones. Sorry, go ahead. Yeah.

I don't know.

It's tough to get hard at that age. Sorry, I missed it.

Woke up rock hard this morning. I was delighted. Yeah, morning when you don't need it. It's great. I tried my best to use it. I get a boner with my dog a lot. You get a boner around your dog? Dogs like cuddling sometimes. I'm just like fucking. Straight body heat. Trying to move it away from him. Yeah. But he knows. He knows. More masks than before. Yeah. He loves it.

He's like, yeah, you better fucking roll over.

Yeah, you better fucking sit, dude. You felt your fucking dad's body. Sit. What kind of dog do you have? Just like this size. Yo, flesh. Sweet little flashlight, that dog. Oh, yeah. Little fleshy. Were you about to say you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling? Yeah, do you think? All of us, right? Definitely. Yeah.

Yeah. Especially when you think about it, there were 30-something. They weren't even, like, old. Oh, yeah, for sure. Exactly. They were, like, a young man.

Yeah, it sucks though because you wake up in the morning and you're like, damn, this is the hardest I've ever been. And then you walk to the bathroom or the shower and you see you're fully erect and you go, God. Damn, I thought this thing was bigger. This thing felt so much bigger than it is.

Just kind of wobbles while you walk.

You were trying to bend a boner? Like real tough and trying to like... No, dude. Oh, yeah. That's great. You do? Oh, yeah. Nice.

My brother's kid started saying sus. He's like eight. And my brother was like, he's so creative. And I'm like, that's like a term. He goes, oh, fuck. Yeah.

You can try to. Just try to. Yeah, squeeze it to the top, you know, like one of those pixie sticks. Yeah.

No, I don't fucking bend my bones. You're an absolute creep. I know. I know. That's crazy. That's disgusting. I would never do that. I thought I was kidding you. I would never do that. That was a good boner check-in. Just check in on everybody's rock hard boner. How are you doing? Because that is a non-boner outfit you're wearing.

What is happening?

Yeah, because that's when it's the most fun. You have a couple drinks, you go, I don't give a fuck what I look like. I don't care how I sound.

A little buzz, you go, hey, that's no problem. How about a sober no? How could you? I thought you loved me.

And what would you do if I said no? You would literally cry. If you asked me to go down on you and I said no, you would cry. No, I don't want it anymore.

Fortnite. Yeah, the Fortnite dance rules.

Minimum.

One a month is part of sex.

No sex involved, no hand. I like to reserve the option. That's the McRib. The beach comes out once in a blue moon and you go, the McRib is back. Start to finish. I don't know where it came from. Nobody even told me it was coming. That's the point of the bending. That's the period. That's the time.

Everyone hits it the whole time.

I'm on period. Great. Oh, now I owe you.

We're all with you. No one's ever gotten period head in a relationship. We see you. You are seen. We're holding space.

They're cranky, dude. They're not going to give head. That's the perfect time for it. That's the best head. The cranky head. Nice. Yeah, just catching a sigh. It doesn't matter. I got a hot breath. Yeah, your little fucking nasty ass sigh actually felt good.

Definitely. Is this good for you when you don't like it? Yeah, it's surprising. It is.

It's a motherfucking bull. Yeah, there's no local dialect anymore. Philly's hold on strong. That's about it. Philly's got it. They're losing it. You don't have it. You don't have it. Matt has it.

No, my bad. What page are you on? Wait. No, I've been on the pie page. Did she just say it? Oh, yeah. Did she say it? Oh, dude.

I'm not going to ask. She said something.

You've always had to call the pie.

Oh, dude, the pie rules.

I held off very late in life. So did I. So did I. I'll give it a K. I fear the pie.

And then they go, she can't get pregnant. I'm like, why? She didn't last time. You got lucky the first time.

Congratulations on the special. It's awesome. Thanks. I'm digging the vibes in here today. Me too, dude. Very NPR-esque. I think so, too. Oh, yeah, wow. Very low, very... You think we're going NPR right now? I think we're going a little quiet. I like that, yeah. I don't mind it. How about this? Hey, say, hey, welcome, Ari again. Hey, welcome Omar Shafir. Thanks Shane, thanks Matt.

I still fear the pie. Right now, I feel like... Nate's a little fucking thick ass. I know you're pying. I love the pie.

Back it up. That is fucked up, dude. You out yet? You'll know when I'm out.

There's no feng shui in this place.

Yeah, maybe. He might have the fucking reverse beep too.

If I had to guess who it was, I'd say it was a dump truck. He's pulling out.

It was a fucking fire engine.

Matty, Matty Ricardo. Yeah, he gets fired.

Yeah, he won't care. It's Andy.

Why did you find the best one?

It's the fat boys.

Oh, my God.

It's like, ah, shit.

Hey, lady, you got to move too.

what's johnny dip up to right now is johnny dip he got fat he got fat yeah he got chubbed really yeah he's not getting drained anymore yeah true i mean he is for sure but he got chubby last time i saw did he really yeah not like kind of powerful to like defeat your wife in court and then get fat He was so cool in court. And what's this tin can for? He goes, it's for Coke. You know what it's for?

He said, she said. It was really just like having your friends like bitch at each other in front of you.

Was the crime abuse? Was the crime like libel? Was the crime that he lost? Didn't he lose like Pirates of the Caribbean and all that shit? From her? From her saying this guy's a scumbag? And then suing him. I was like, no, not Captain Jack Sparrow.

Yeah.

She was a bitch, legally. The United States says she's a bitch.

Yeah, she wanted a female judge for sure. that was a good one no female judge might have hurt her might have because she was like she's a young young cutie he's misunderstood oh yeah if it's an old lady turn on the bed though that was damning evidence turn on the bed man on my bed and then wrote your name in my name in shit on the wall Yeah. Or blood? I don't remember.

I think she cut herself and burned it in blood.

The bed's fucked up. It wasn't on the door.

Cutting yourself is like, no you didn't. Too much Shakespeare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same thing. It's like, I haven't shit the bed. I haven't show this weekend. You're lying. You didn't cut yourself. Yeah. Shit in the bed to prove his shit. I haven't show this weekend. I haven't show this weekend. You're trying to ruin it right now.

It's just that behavior was just like, it's Fort Lauderdale trash. That's all they were. Yeah. yeah well anyway yeah let's uh let's switch over to the patreon the page yes go watch ari shafir's special on netflix yes watch all the way through enjoy it yeah people from manchester england come to my show oh when you go on manchester rules yeah in match yeah please come yes please

Yeah.

You've been on a hunger strike.

Thank you for noticing.

Yeah. Really? I'll tell you about fucking a hundred pounds off. You'll get to 100 pounds off soon. Yeah, when I'm dead. What do you use, imagination? For what? To ejaculate. Wait, were you just watching porn for the cinematography? No, no, no. I was obviously masturbating to it.

Yeah.

You've been there. You do it now. I still do.

You actually look like Ankh.

I do too. You look cute. Wow. What a great interview.

It is the white wife effect. Holy shit, dude. You are dressed like a fucking old white man. I am wearing a 9-11 shirt. Please show the people the drip. Wow. That is fully white New Balances, light jeans. That's not even a 9-11. Bro. That's not even an eagle. What is that? That ain't an eagle. That's a crow. Damn, bro. You're onked out.

Your pancake butt. I donated that. You get the fucking white flapjacks.

They bind Nate's ass. are you wearing spanks how is it like that i just lost it this is what we needed the podcast needed oh my god uh you look good thank you thank you you do look good i actually i genuinely think you look great the sweatshirts yeah yeah since i've been back you've been much more reserved and quiet It's not good. Did you get molested?

It's been a pleasure. I've been listening to you guys for a long time. I got to check out your special last night and wow, what a special treat that was. Thank you. That's an honor. When you interviewed Charlie Rose, that was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen.

You weren't here to protect them, Shane. I know. I think you left them all. The Kill Tony crew molested my sweet boys. You've been running a train on guard dogs.

screaming screaming bitches that's when no conflict nate started right there oh guard dog called him no conflict nate because they were you guys need ops and the kill tony crew was perfect for you guys you guys need to battle with them that's not bad we're gonna switch

Guard Dog wanted conflict. Nate said, I don't want any conflict.

We're here. Wow, you guys missed an incredible joke. Wow. We're here live with the Ari Shafir. Thanks, guys. He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart. Yeah, that's what I am.

Yeah, you need to be nasty. I like you nasty. I like you being mean. Nate, I've never known you angry.

You've always been pretty chill.

I've got it. I know, but now it comes out. It was funny watching Guard Dog.

I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar. Oh, damn. That actually might be true. I can't remember. That's unipolar. Yeah, it comes back.

It was transgressive. Wait, what's that word? Don't worry about it. Against aggressive trans. Oh, right, right, right.

I was going to say, I think that might be, it might've been a lover's quarrel.

That's what you need, though. That's the best way to do open mics is with open conflict with somebody else in the room. So then you go on stage and do stand up at them, which is so embarrassing to do while fighting at any enemy in general watches in the worst room. We're like, well, we're all failing here. And it's like, you suck. You're next. Yeah, you're on next. And you suck. We're both here.

Six of us. I'm going to whisper it to somebody next to me. I'm going to go, this guy fucking sucks. God, I miss open mics where you had to pretend to listen until you get on and you could stop. The best was going to those mics that everyone just was done pretending. No one listened. Like the raven towards the end. People were just. Fell apart. It was just a bar.

Raven Lounge. Yeah, but it was like...

If you did healing him, usually on a Thursday, you would go to Reagan.

How big was H. Foley, though?

My name's Transgressive. Transgressive.

H. Not Foley? He was a big dog, but he was not nearly.

Cotton was a big dog.

There's a lot of big dogs up there.

Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs. True. Kevin Ryan really is like that six chick who's hanging around with fours. It's crazy. He's like, he's fat as fuck, dude. He's fat as fuck. And he's like, no, I'm so thin. I'm like, bro. The whole time he's just talking to H. Foley about being fat. It's so fucking funny. I never even thought about it. Yeah.

His guise was totally effective. It's a great move, dude. It's so good. So I had the mayor in the pool house. Now I'm fucked. It's a unit out there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I used to think it was going to be so cool.

The law here does help with that, obviously.

Because you don't, I mean, if you sink so low as to go to X videos. It's so embarrassing going on. Which sites are still available in Texas? You're disgusting. Yeah, you got to go through like the ninth grade. Where did I used to jack off? I know. There's a lot more hidden camera videos on those. There's a lot of illegal stuff. There's a lot of stuff.

I saw one that was just, it said, how old is she? What? Yeah. That was the title? That was the title. I wasn't even searching anything. That was just on the menu. Just for the record.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't let that.

The one that's in the closet. Real good looking guy. But he goes back to like, oh, he's going to like blow it up. And then the missile comes at him.

No, no, no. More recent one. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig, yeah.

Yeah.

Because I've met gays before.

Really?

Yeah. He acts gay about that?

He's gay. He's just a gay. But anyway, who cares? I know what you're saying. I don't care.

And in every magazine he's ever been in or interview, it's a homosexual man. It's like they have him. No. They're everywhere. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. It was a Joss A. Bank. Yeah. They wore Wilson's leather. Yeah, but he died one. He died. Yeah, at the end. It was Tom Ford. At the end of the last one.

No.

It's not tricking. It's giving.

It's where all the rich Syrian Jews live.

Yeah.

Hey, we got all these Zen pouches or whatever.

It's amazing they can start up that fire. I've been camping, and it's difficult with some starter logs.

We didn't get a flamethrower. How do you throw that together?

Like, can you believe this?

Let's make a deal.

Everyone tried to do it. Almost everybody died. Yeah.

Like that guy. It's not that.

I waited 20 minutes for my soup to come.

What if it was clothes?

Imagine getting the rights to get up to the Eiffel Tower and be like, hey, guys, I'm going to test something. If you did that now, they'd be like.

Right.

i i'm hoping that like elon with the deregulation just like that there are going to be just some of what slapstick yeah slapstick just i got two my complete accidents i got two good ones really one was the guy who did the segue everyone else just showed the blueprints he's like no no i'm bringing it in yeah it made everybody ride it the patent office they're like that's cool show that it doesn't infringe on any of the patents yeah the best one

He killed himself.

Famously.

What's happening? Nothing. It seems like more than nothing. This is why you're leaving the podcast. This kind of unprofessionalism. You just said Pete and ran off. That's not why I'm leaving the podcast.

Oh, and so you called for Pete before taking care of it yourself? Pete. Pete. Pete. My throaty hurts. Here is the best inventions. Okay. The number one. This is the only one. I shouldn't have pluralized it. A method of inducing birth through use of centrifugal force.

Okay.

It's one of those stirrup things. The middle is where the head is. It spins so the head stays in place. Everything else spins. There's a net at the end of your legs. So you just spin, spin, spin until the baby just goes shh.

The net's right there.

Listen, it's not about whether it works or not.

Are you eventually dragging the baby along the net?

Yeah, so the baby's in the net. So you probably have to have something under it too because when you slow down, it would then fall.

That is a circus ass way to be born. That is the Ringling Brothers style. It's definitely a dude event.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, before you can no longer do plugs. What are you going to do with your time? Yeah, it's called America's Sweetheart. It's on Netflix. Just leave it alone for a second, dude. What do you mean? I have been leaving it alone for a second. I want to get back to it. Yeah. What are you going to do with my time?

Just him quietly. Yeah, if you got an automatic litter box. How does this go?

It's audio-only. And then you take this thing and try to go this way with that.

You can die here.

I'm not, I moved on.

I love that you guys connect. I love that you can overlook his stupidity and his butt-heartedness and still see him as a human.

I haven't seen it. If you're a big fat guy, you die at 47. Rest in peace, Burt Kreischer. Is this coming out in one year?

Just mad at the president of the United States.

Go take a walk outside. It's crazy. It's so fun to see somebody riled up and you're like, oh, I don't care. I'm doing this thing.

Like, how could you not know about the Columbia statistician and the two women?

Like, I don't know. I don't know. Is that real? There was like a guy in a college in Columbia. Somebody came in all steamy. I was talking to Michelle Wolf. Somebody comes in all steamy like...

Did you hear about this guy at Columbia? And he went back to work. I'm just trying to catch up with my friend.

Just because I look like me. Yeah. But not because of like... You're walking too slow.

It's usually attached to a sticker that says peel here. Wait, you see this holographic thing? Is that what the blue light filter is?

It's embarrassing.

Scandinavian. Scando. That's a derogatory term for them. Guys, I would send a pair of these jeans...

What you looking at, Scando? I'm sorry, man. Get the hell out of here, Scando.

It's a type of pants that prevents us from doing the Holocaust.

We ain't changing our government.

Take them off. Okay, but you're not going to like it.

Why did you have to guess what on that? I'm literally wearing them right now. You're wearing perfect jeans? Yeah.

Number one, here's what makes these perfect. The name of them. Yeah. That's about as far as it goes.

Guess what? I'm standing up. Yeah. Guess what, listeners? I just sat down.

Yeah. You didn't really give him a chance to guess, though. Everyone at home is like, come on.

Yeah.

That's not enough time.

I do have incredibly big balls and they push out to save space for those.

Not so tight in the ball. A lot of times if you get ball space, then you're getting way baggy. You want something that's normal in the waist, but then a little bit of ball space. Why does it have to be connected? I don't get it.

I only buy clothes before a special.

You can just ask the driver his name as you roll up the window every time. Yeah. And what's your last name?

His is Jew jeans right now. Yeah. With a second in command to the Coen's.

Yeah, Chaim Levy.

I think it's time for you to quit anyway. Yeah, probably. Your heart hasn't been in it for a while. No, it has not. Yeah.

Come Town was a good show. This was a good spite show for a while.

it was all right yeah and then the the anger fades and you're like why am i still doing this exactly yeah like what am i still exactly there was a time when i went i was really mad at bobby lee and then every time i try to embarrass him every conversation he was in i try to like get in there like but he's stupid right you guys listen to this dumb fucking idiot like and then at some point i remember not having the energy to do that right he was in a conversation i was like but he's just a small korean man it's like what are you doing yeah it's like getting mad at akiya

Yeah. How long are you going to do a podcast with a retard?

Can't believe you made him put on the jeans.

They were nice enough to send. They were nice enough. They're good jeans.

Are those actually perfect jeans? Yeah, they are.

They had in a long time ago. And they haven't for quite some time. So I'm just wearing them out of the love.

Yeah, it says, fuck your khakis. Fuck your khakis.

What is going on with this podcast?

That's the kind of script you throw into a movie window. Yeah, right.

Why are all these people there? It shouldn't just be dignitaries.

Who the fuck are these people?

Take your engagement ring off.

What do you engage to, Reddit? No, I don't. Let's see it.