Pete and Tommy get frisky this week as they explore the lascivious legends of lust. From the origins of French kissing to the complex nature of desire, they dive deep into this often misunderstood and stigmatized sin.How is lust both a positive and negative force, depending on the context and the individuals involved? Why does it have such a stupidly gendered history and rich tapestry of societal shame? Because the people who made up that shame weren’t having enough sex.Join in as they navigate the ups and downs of this passionate feeling, offering ins and outs of insights along the way. And, in case you missed it, we wrote ups and downs and ins and outs in the same sentence. You’re welcome. ---Learn more about supporting this podcast by becoming a member. Visit our website to learn more.
Before we dive in, here's another show you can enjoy in the True Story FM family of entertainment podcasts.
Well, howdy, folks. My name is Lester Ryan Clark.
And I'm Kenan Diaz.
And we're the hosts of The Exorcist Minute, a show where we examine, extrapolate, and excavate the scariest movie of all time.
Each episode covers a single minute of William Friedkin's 1973 horror masterpiece, The Exorcist. If you like deep dives, this show is the deepest. Did you know the film's iconic theme song, Tubular Bells, wasn't written specifically for the movie?
Or that the 1973 audience members were throwing up and fainting in the theater before they ever got a glimpse of the demon?
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Until next time, folks, the power of the exorcist compels you.
Ever wonder what bridges the gap between your favorite film genres, subgenres, and movements? CinemaScope is here to explore these connections, taking you on a thrilling odyssey through the ever-evolving art of cinema. I'm your host, Andy Nelson, and in each episode, we embark on a deep dive into the forces that sculpt the world of film.
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All the Feelings presents Sins and Virtues. This episode, Lust. Hello, everybody, and welcome to All the Feelings. I am Pete Wright, and right over there is my lusty partner in crime, Tommy Handsome.
Oh, my goodness. Well, I never. Eyes batting, fainting couch at the ready.
Are you ready for this?
Yeah, this is going to be an interesting one. I am a real harlot. I was trying to think about, yeah. I am a ne'er-do-well lady of the night. And, yeah, this was, I mean, because our last episode was charity.
And we're making a hard right. That was hard, too.
This is a hard right to lust. We probably right off the top of the bat, this is a family-friendly podcast. But this episode will acknowledge that. the invention of intercourse. What's the best way to say it? Just know that, yeah, we're not going to be, you know, telling rated R stories, I don't believe, but the podcast is young. We'll see where we go.
But it is legal. I so yeah, well, let's start. So we're talking about lust. This is all part of our journey through the seven deadly sins and the seven heavenly virtues to match. And I don't know, I feel like we this is it's so funny to me as I was thinking about, you know, this topic that we haven't gotten here sooner.
after so many seasons of anxieties, is neither one of us anxious about sexuality at all? Are we just so chill?
I woke up and I tripped over my own testosterone this morning. That's how alpha I am. I'm alpha and sigma.
You're particularly jacked today. That's what I was noticing.
I'm very jacked. I'm the Rizzler, as the kids say. Full Rizz, no cap. No, I feel very nervous about this. Always have, always will, America. And so I'm interested in getting into it. Should we, before we continue, should we talk about what it is?
We should talk about what it is. Let me introduce my dear friend, Robotron.
1.
Usually intense or unbridled sexual desire 2. An intense desire for something
So can we start, so I'm going to, so behind the scenes, you know, every, every week, Tom and I talk about who's going to do the feeling friends bit. Right. And that's the bit in the middle where we talk about something historical and it's really delightful.
And this week, because I'm so out of sorts and we skipped a recording week last week, I did one too, but it's Tom's week, which means I get, there is no utility for my thing any other week going forward. So we're going to talk about, just briefly, before we get into the meat, so to speak, of our conversation, we're going to get into kissing. And specifically, French kissing. Oh, okay.
What do you, I mean, like, I don't need to say it. When you think of French kissing, what do you imagine? Don't answer that question. But do you know what the technical word is for a French kiss?
You mean in English? Yes. Oh, I guess because French kiss isn't in French. I'm sorry. No, it's not in French. I don't know what that was. I don't know what I was addressing or what I thought I meant. Okay.
There is a technical word for this.
I don't think I have any idea.
It's called a cataglottism. Oh, God, that's why I don't know. I know. That's so sexy. Anything with glot. Oh, God, it makes you lust all over the place just hearing cataglotism.
Yeah.
So this was really interesting. So it's, you know, of course it would be France that would come up with this idea to kind of brand a cataglottism as a French kiss. Right. Because it's the French that are so lusty and they're the ones who say, Hey, look at that sexy mouth. I want to put my tongue in there. Right. Like that's of course, but of course that's also not true.
So when you think about, uh, kissing, uh, it comes from the Americans and the Brits. During the war, French kissing was branded after World War One when Americans and Brits went into France and discovered what they would call a more sexually adventurous people. OK, the French.
And so when they were over there for the war and probably like your hormones are up and you're panicked and you're running so much.
Yeah. Yeah. And so there are scholars that actually there are kissing scholars.
that's that's a thing and they believe that kissing with tongues uh was actually practiced in ancient cultures because come on you've got two mouths eventually you're going to figure out how to put them together and um india and china and japan document tongue kissing ancient rome kissing with tongues was seen as a sign of affection among lovers and family members um yeah you're gonna be thinking you're gonna be thinking about that for a while i think yeah um
and uh and so there's the there's the thing about kissing i was fascinated by this because french kiss why you know french fries french kiss it's all we did it it's interesting that it never occurred to me to think about i've just taken french kiss as like almost like it might as well to be one word like i never broke it down and was like where did it come from it sounds like everyone was french kissing except for england and america who were french kissing the french people because we got to yeah
So we weren't doing it.
We wrote the history, so we blame it on somebody. You know what? They can have it. It's a title of honor. Good for them. They figured out something great. Sure. What was interesting to me is that there are some real – this is my American slash French kissing bias. I like to kiss. I really do. I'm a real kisser.
You're really going out on a limb. You're the one? No, I do too. Kissing is great if the person knows how to do it. And by that, I mean not like there's like tongue acrobatics. It's actually the opposite. I always talk about, and it's probably not my idea, but I always talk about that good kissers are good writers in that kissing well is like making a sentence.
There's a beginning and a middle and an end. And the worst kissers are people that use run on sentences where it's just one tongue around and around and around and around and around. You need to like have pressure points and stuff. And yeah, you need to get more passionate than less passionate. You're telling a whole sentence structure.
You should not just kiss the alphabet is what you're saying. I'm sure I heard that somewhere.
Correct. But I know what you're referencing, Sam Kinison. So before we went to France, were we just like, mwah, mwah, mwah.
how do you kiss when it's not french kissing was it just well like weirdos we were well we were very prudish very prudish and and um and eventually we figured out hey it can get more popular and more fun than that um but it was also it's also this cultural thing like so when you look at the variety of different cultures appreciation of kissing for example like in spite of the kama sutra
India's legacy of kissing is that you don't kiss in public. You're only permitted to kiss after marriage. And then all the Kama Sutra hijinks kick in, I guess. I don't know, but it feels very much like- So it goes from zero to a hundred. To a hundred. Yeah, right. Japanese people, culturally, apparently, Kissing is it's a big kissing culture, but kissing is is directly tied to to sexual foreplay.
So they don't kiss in public because that means they're going to start having sex.
So it's just like it's not just an endearment.
No. Right. Right.
It's a go. It's a go for it.
Right. On the other hand, the Germans and Austrians have embraced a much more public kissing culture. In fact, they are measured as having the longest average kisses in measured in seconds of an average of 12 seconds. The average German's public romantic kiss is 12 seconds. That's my deep, deep research.
The Mexicans love to kiss so much that they actually are in the Guinness Book of World Records for having a kissing marathon on Valentine's Day in 2009. Okay. That also checks out.
That's like the one marathon that maybe I could enter. I'd still somehow get winded.
All the time. All across South and Central America, it is much less of a kissing culture the further south you go and to the point where people don't kiss at all and they see kissing as like a weirdly reviled kind of a thing. Why would you put your mouth on there? And then there's one last kind of kiss, the socialist fraternal kiss. Have you heard of this? No. Okay.
This kiss was exchanged between leaders of communist countries during the Cold War, and it involved a series of three kisses on alternate cheeks. And in some cases, when ideological connection ran particularly deep. Those kisses went straight for the mouth. So you'd get like Brezhnev and Marx kissing. I don't know if they ever kissed.
Because the kiss on the cheek is very well known.
That's very well known. But this was mouth kisses, the socialist fraternal kiss. And it was a demonstration of ideological lock. Like this is how close we are as countries and nations.
Would it interest you to know we're not doing it yet, but My Feeling Friends also involves politics?
Outstanding.
God, what a good teaser.
Look at us.
We are like the French Kiss of podcasters. Like we're so far apart, but we might as well be.
We might as well, yeah.
We might as well be up at each other's grills.
What do you know when you think about lust, our topic today? What do you think about? How does it hit you? How do you feel when you think about lust?
It has a negative, it has a sexy connotation and a negative connotation. Okay.
I've got the negative one first.
The negative one, I guess because it seems like you are almost, you're at the edge of losing control. of yourself, potentially, that love, lust is different than being attracted to someone, or someone being easy on the eyes, like lusting is like, it feels lecherous. And then it also feels very self serving. It doesn't feel like a love conversation or like a physical act enjoyed by both people.
That might happen. But when you're lusting after someone, it's really about serving yourself. This is based on nothing and me just talking off the top of my head. But that's the kind of thing that I think of. It's very one directional about self. Yeah. And I bet it comes from based on our other two segments so far. I bet it's a sin because you're supposed to only lust after God.
Or it's taking away your fervence for God and putting it somewhere else. That seems to be the pattern we've had so far.
Yeah, for sure. We don't necessarily need to perseverate on that particular angle of the church because you're exactly right. I mean, it's a sin because it... takes away from spiritual purity and attention to the church. But what's really interesting about lust in particular is its association as original sin and its deeply gendered interpretation over sin.
centuries and centuries and centuries right because um it is you know when you look at at the first sort of interpretations of of lust and original sin it's because of adam and eve it were were you know thrown out of the garden of even because eve was was in inciting lustful feelings in adam and tempting right the garden of temptation wait a minute is that right
Where does lust come in? Because they got shamed because all of a sudden they realized that they were naked. Yeah. Is it saying that that would lead to lust? I don't remember lust. I mean, she tempted him into eating the apple and all of a sudden they're like, oops, we need to go to H&M. And then they got thrown out and the front door of the Garden of Eden was replaced by a flaming sword.
But I don't think about lust in that.
The original sin is believed to have been a corruption of human nature introduced the inclination toward vice. Lust was a consequence of human nature's corruption, right? This is the manifestation of humanity's fallen state, right? That's where it started. That's where we started. That's the first time we started talking about it. Right.
Like the sin, the original sin of sexual temptation and lack of purity. I see.
Because otherwise we were just walking around naming animals.
Pretty much. That's what we did.
Yeah. Taking out ribs, throwing Lilith in a cave.
I know too much about the Bible. You sure do.
I know too much about the Bible and the biblical apocrypha. I got really into that in college.
Yeah. The books that were not allowed in the Bible. Yes. It's like the Cimmerillion from J.R.R. Tolkien. You read a lot of that. Sure. You don't even know. Nerds are with me. Yeah, okay. I think I mispronounced it. The Cimmerillion. Oh, sure. Okay, got it. You get it now. Yeah, of course. All right.
So anyhow, the thing about lust being so super gendered, like that has stayed with us over thousands of years.
And by gender, you mean we are blaming Eve, right? And so it's like Eve is the one that caused the lust or was the lustful one got it. That was the reason for the downfall.
I did some searching for the, you know, the myths of lust. And I found so many, I found a lot of pages of people talking about the immodest woman, right? That it is, and this is the genderfication of lust. This is the big misconstruction of lust that blaming women for dressing a certain way, looking a certain way, behaving a certain way, for creating an environment that is lusty in men.
And it is such a myth, right? It's such a grotesque misinterpretation of humans living together, that particular thing. To me, I think that's really tough to read, that stuff. Mostly because the data,
goes the other way the data says that men and women can lust equally that lust is when it becomes negative it's a loss of control but when it's positive it's erotic sexual attraction that serves a purpose right that serves a purpose in us so it is I think it's really a complicated thing because it's like a derogatory term for sexual attraction that is used to
so um liberally that it kind of has lost some meaning right okay yeah is lust always a negative thing it doesn't have to be no i because i said the other part of it was it was sexy yeah a sexy connotation and a negative connotation the sexy connotation is like i'm doing something with my shoulders you sure are that the listeners like so i'm trying to do like a I don't know. Do people see?
It's all sexy sound effects. I mean, there is... I guess if we're just talking about... No, it is always... Because even if you lust after money or lust after power... I'm having trouble finding the positive connotation that the lust, it seems like it's putting yourself or your own either pleasure or self-worth or something over other people. There's something dehumanizing about lusting.
And I don't exactly know why. And I don't believe – I believe I'm putting it there, that it doesn't exist necessarily in the word, but I'm just being honest.
No, I don't – I mean this – I think it underscores why it's such a complicated – Yeah. Like topic. Right. Because I think you're absolutely right. There is healthy sexual desire and attraction, which is good. Like we like that we support sexual attraction. And then there's what obsession, unhealthy obsession with the thing.
And that could be like you mentioned it, a lust for money, a lust for food, a lust for when lust becomes shorthand for a loss of control in our desire for a thing. That, I think, makes sense. That becomes like the maladaptive behavior. Right.
If Lust had a noise, it would be like this. That was good, right? I'm still trying to get across to the listener what I was doing with my shoulders.
Yeah, now we've gone to full ASMR. Gross.
I wish I hadn't done that slurp noise. What's the opposite of ASMR?
That was the worst. So, yeah, so I don't even remember what that slur got us to.
Well, we're talking about – you said the lack of control.
Yeah, lack of control, loss of control.
That's the maladaptive or the whatever cool word for being out of control. But are you saying that there is – that we don't need to keep putting all of this negative connotation that there is a positive part to it? Maybe not.
Maybe not. Like, okay, so I look at my own relationship, right? I think lust is an important part of a healthy sexual relationship. And I think the idea of lusting after my long-term partner is awesome. And I want to be lusted after the same way. I want to be objectified that way too. That makes it fun, right? Yeah. That's fun.
It is super consensual and kind of like using the word lust is kind of naughty and feels like invigorating and tantalizing. And that that feels OK to me. But again, the complicated part is like, you know, meeting somebody for the first time and saying, hey, totally lusting after you right now.
Well, because the first – you said all of those things, tantalizing, sexy, it's good, it's helpful. But right away, you made it a two-way street.
Yes. That's the difference.
That's the difference. If it's going both ways, then it just – that can be a very positive connotation. If it's just going one way –
Yeah. Then it's like super seductive, but destructive at the same time.
Maybe.
Yeah. Right.
Or it has that possibility because otherwise I just feel like we have other words. I'm turned on by, you know, I'm turned on. I'm attracted to that person.
Yeah, that's interesting. Well, because what you're doing is you're personalizing it, right? You're talking about your state and your behavior and not the act of chase or pursuit of someone else, which then suddenly seems creepy and uninvited. I think so.
Yeah. But you're right that once you put it into a relationship, then it does seem important. Yeah. Because then you don't want it to just be chased. You don't want the flame to go out.
I found a number of resources that were like looking at channeling lust. Lust could be a motivating force for positive change.
Oh, so you redirect that feeling towards something else?
Maybe. I think it goes to... Oh, gardening. Oh, crafts. Arts and crafts. A hoedown. I... I feel like that may be what they're talking about. In this case, it was just like looking at a redirection of energy and passion around things, around like goals, objects, charity, whatever it is. What I don't understand is...
I mean, I understand trying to manufacture the feeling of the same level of energy and excitement that is behind lust. I understand the ideal. I don't understand the direct correlation because I just feel like, oh, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say I'm so horny for food bank work.
You are not hanging out with the right people, buddy. Yeah. Yeah, when you put the word horny, but I mean, the cliche is, you know, there is something called, I will mispronounce it on purpose, no peanut November. Have you heard of?
Yeah, I have heard of that.
And the cliche of that is when you abstain from certain things for an entire month, it's like, I finished my book. Or, you know, like all of that energy is channeled into something else as if that's the one thing that is governing all of our engines. I don't know if that's true, but...
I think that's probably the point of it is that you would have this extra energy that you could then direct towards another place.
But isn't that entire thing rooted in some way in shame?
Oh, is it? Because we're denying something that we see dirty? I don't know. I thought it was supposed to be like a clarity kind of a thing. Maybe. Like I'm going to stop drinking for a month. Because, oh, but yeah, but drinking is not good for you. I see what you're saying. It's saying that something is bad for you. So abstain from it for a while to have a clean slate. But it's not bad for you.
Interesting. Right.
I think the idea on the surface of finding that clarity, but isn't it like the converse is also true, that I should finish that book because I am so distracted by sex, I should be ashamed at not having the willpower to finish the book in absence of this massive distraction that I can't get myself out from under. Right.
It is. So, yeah, we it is based just the fact that it's based in abstaining something means that it's not something that is good for you.
Right. At some level, at some level, I feel like that's I feel like that's where that hits me. And that makes me it makes me a little bit nervous to to talk about because I know like I already already dropped maladaptive behavior. I know there are there are people who's who's. relationship with sexual ideation is maladaptive and they need help, right, to regain focus.
I don't feel like any of this is necessarily talking to those people. But I also think the line between normal sexual attraction and maladaptive behavior is big and fuzzy.
Mm-hmm.
and and not clear and i think that's the that's the challenge with the whole conversation when you're talking about lust is how do you know i i feel like like what is the what what is the the red flag for being in uh uh for being attracted to someone and or being attracted to just looking at the appearance of someone and knowing that your lust is now maladaptive acting on it Yeah, I guess.
I mean, don't go to Rome. There are a lot of sexy statues. Maybe they'll get you all hot and bothered.
Maybe. Yeah. Maybe it's acting on it. But no, you can still like your quality of life can be drastically taken down if you if you can't stop perseverating on it. I don't know. That's a good question. That's like we talked seasons ago about the psychopath test.
Yeah.
Like if you take the psychopath test, half the people that aren't psychopaths, they are diagnosed. Or you start to think, like, how would you know? Because you wouldn't know. Yeah.
Yeah. Right. Right. That's exactly what a lustful person would say.
Exactly.
Right.
All I know is the most difficult part about talking about lust is that everything sounds like a double entendre or an innuendo. Like you said, the line between maladaptive and not is big and fuzzy. And I went, I don't know. And big and fuzzy isn't even really a euphemism, but it could be. Are you turned on right now by big and fuzzy? You have no idea. Oh, no, you unlocked something in me.
I have got to go win some carnival prizes. I've got my eye on this giraffe that is... Life dies. Lust, especially in the carnal nature of things, can be found everywhere. Advertising, movies, television. And lust can, of course, be found in the history of politics. Many prominent political figures throughout American history have been exposed for lustful actions.
Alexander Hamilton, John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, just to name a few. But what makes lust in politics interesting in a different way is not lust itself, but the worry of lust. The not actually partaking of, and not the defending of past transgressions, but just the thinking about the thinking, and how dangerous that apparently might be.
One would say that for some political figures, the idea of lust led to the pre-shutting down of lust. The, if you will, anti-lust. For example, in 1976, then presidential candidate Jimmy Carter, a notably religious man, decided to sit down for a lengthy interview with Playboy magazine.
During this dubious choice, he nearly torpedoed his campaign by proclaiming that, quote, I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I have committed adultery in my heart many times, end quote. Again, not acting on lust, but confessing of its existence. It may seem like a small thing now in current politics, but trust me, it was all anyone could talk about, and it almost cost him the election.
Or how about in 2002, when Attorney General John Ashcroft had the Justice Department spend $8,000 to buy large blue curtains to cover up the Spirit of Justice statue in the Great Hall, because the 1930s Art Deco aluminum statue depicting a blindfolded Lady of Justice holding her scales and sword had a bare breast showing. a 72-year-old aluminum boob was just too tempting to let exist unconcealed.
And former Vice President Mike Pence. During his largely unremarkable time in office, it came out that he would never eat alone with a woman unless his wife was present. That may seem just overly chaste at first look, but it also severely bends, if not breaks, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Look it up if you don't believe me. And the list goes on and on.
Politicians twisting themselves into pious pretzels, lest lust lead them astray for even a moment. Did I bring these examples up because they offer an oft-overlooked aspect of our relationship with lust? Maybe. Or did I just want to remind us all how incredibly weird politicians can be when they are virtue signaling? We'll never know.
But while we're on this sexy subject, maybe we can tempt you into becoming a feeling friend today. For the pornographically low price of $35, you can get early access to episodes, member-only content with each episode, exclusive live streams where you can see when all these words come out of our dumb faces for the first time.
access to watching how long it's taken me to do this entire segment, special member-only bonus episode sticker, and a What's That Smell ATF bingo card that you can play along with every episode. And most importantly, you help Attorney General Pete and I continue to make this show we love to do.
It is not free to make, so if you like what you hear, take your wife with you over to allthefeelings.fun and become a feeling friend today. Instead of committing adultery in your heart, you'll be committing charity with your wallet. Now, back to the show. And now, Dante, The Divine Comedy, Volume 1, Inferno, Canto 5.
I came to a place where no light shone at all, bellowing like the sea racked by a tempest, when warring winds attack it from both sides. This infernal storm, eternal in its rage, sweeps and drives the spirits with its blast. It whirls them, lashing them with punishment. I learned that to this place of punishment, all those who sin in lust have been condemned.
Those who make reason slave to appetite.
Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete. I don't know if you know this about me. Did you know that I'm a red-blooded male? Red-blooded male over here.
Alert.
Alert. Eating steak, spinning into spittoons. I've done all of it. But as a red-blooded male, I've also felt lust in my heart as much as anyone. We just had a whole big talk about it. I know.
Gasp.
I know. Sinner. Um, and by lust, I mean the bout chick about bout kind, uh, but for dating, especially post-college, I've always made sure not to lead anyone on or pretend I felt more than I felt for lustful reasons, even though as an adult, you're allowed to do that. Hookups are fine as long as both parties are on the same page.
Okay.
There is another party involved in this harrowing tale, and I want to afford them full and absolute confidentiality. They are not a listener, but just in case, I'm not going to tell you, Pete, or the listeners where we met or almost anything identifiable about this person. I'm not even going to gender them. I'm going full deep throat here, no pun intended. No lust episode pun intended.
But also, I've noticed that that was a pun. Okay. Okay. So that being said, you're going to learn almost nothing about this other person, but let me introduce them. Let's call them V. V was younger than me, but only by about five years. So younger, but not crazy times. And V was, if I may say, very easy on the eyes. That's why I named this person V. Very, very attractive.
Unfortunately, if we're being honest, maybe not the brightest. Maybe not the best read, worldly. They were sweet and seemed to dig me, but we weren't really on the same page. But, as I almost never do, I overlooked it because I found them so physically attractive. I never told them that I loved them or anything like that, but if I'm being honest...
and this is I'm being vulnerable and honest, I was just dating them for their looks. I usually never, ever do that. But I said, in this instance, what the heck? We're both consenting adults. I've been accused of over-white knighting in my past. How about I live a little? And it's not like we had done anything physical yet, really.
Okay.
V suggested we get lunch at a Mexican place in the valley with margaritas, then go back to my place, my apartment, to watch a movie. Okay. Do that awooga awooga sound that you know.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Bingo. Exactly. Walk, don't walk. Margaritas plus apartment plus movie. Let's do this. I was nervous and excited. I felt like we were finally going to fool around. Wait, did you define Netflix and chill? Is this where it started? This is where it all. Well, did I tell you that I am Ted Sarantos? Okay. Weird.
I got to the restaurant early, obviously, because I was a little excited and there was no L.A. traffic for once, which seemed like a really good sign. And they got there and the restaurant was able to seat us right away. Another good sign because the place wasn't too full. We have it was actually pretty empty. We have margaritas and food and all as well. Then we head back to my place.
We're seating on my couch and they ask if they can dance for me. Well, I couldn't remember the last time someone had asked if they could dance for me or with me. Sure. But for me. So I said, totally. They asked if I had any liquor because we'd had some margaritas. I named what I had and they picked red wine.
Okay.
Post-margarita red wine. That might be a red flag. That might come up later. We'll see. Moving on.
Is having it come up later a problem? No, luckily. Oh, good.
Okay. I see what you're saying. So they play a song on their phone and they start doing this kind of sexy dance. Not like a dance dance and not like a lap dance, but kind of in between. And I'm being, as I said, honest and vulnerable here. It was really hot. They would sort of come over and rub my shoulders or run their fingers through my hair. And it was nice and it was cute and it was sexy.
And so was the next song they danced to. They danced and they poured some more red wine and drank it and danced for me. I was really enjoying it. It felt like, oh, this is what adults that aren't white knighting their entire lives away do. Like this is very fine and consenting and great and great. By the third song, they were stumbling a little bit, clearly feeling the alcohol. Oh, no.
And three dances is kind of a lot, so I asked if they wanted to, you know, sit down. They giggled and told me to relax, and they said they wanted to keep dancing for me. Pete, this is all true. By the eighth song... No. I give you my word. They were forgetting which songs they had already danced for for me with and started trying to replay an earlier song. I remarked, we did that song already.
Are you sure you don't want to sit down? And they started having trouble fiddling with their phone and stuff. And I was getting really disappointed because I had let my lust for this person cloud over the fact that we weren't on the same page. Maybe I could have seen this happening. And so I was kind of mad at myself.
And if I'm being honest, I was kind of mad at them because at this point they're kind of a mess and they are spilling red wine on my carpet. This had clearly gone on long enough, and they were inebriated enough that I had easily decided, of course, I did not feel comfortable doing anything physical with them. That ship had sailed on a sea of alcohol. They weren't in their full right mind.
Of course, I would not take advantage of that. Lust had gotten me in the situation. I wasn't going to throw more gross lust at a drunk person on top of it. So as nicely as I can, I shut down the music and said it was probably time to go. And could I call them an Uber? We had both driven separately to my place from the restaurant. They said no, insisting they were fine to drive.
Nope, that's not happening. You can't hold this glass. You're not doing that. I said no. And so they said, OK, then they'd have a friend come get them. Then they spent the next 15 minutes trying to find their friend's number. Then they called this person and their friend argued about something. And then V told me their friend was two hours away, but was coming.
I already had drinks, so I wasn't able to drive. So honestly, I was just frustrated. I just wanted to just be over. So I said, I will pay for the Uber. We can figure out your car the next day. They said, no, they would go outside, call for one. And they left. I think they were picking up on the fact that I was a little disappointed. Yeah. Think the story's over? It's not!
Some people would have drawn the line there, but I had a feeling what they were about to do. So I, like a creep, I sort of walked after them outside and peeked around the corner. and saw them immediately getting into their driver's seat, like I suspected. So I ran over, and I stood in front of their car.
They were rummaging around looking for something, and then they looked up and saw me, and they were like, oh, hi! As if, oh, of course, this is the part of the date where I pretend I'm not driving, and you just stand in front of my car. They looked surprised.
I'm just a boy standing in the headlights of your car. Yeah.
They said they mumbled something about how they tried to call Uber, but Uber was closed. At that point, I did take their car keys. I made them get out. I called them an Uber and waited with them until they got in, handed them their car keys, and they drove away. That is pretty much the end.
So my lustful thoughts had led to a disappointing date, wine stains on my floor, and a really annoying afternoon that had really heightened my anticipation and instead had not gone anywhere where I thought it would. And that was the punishment for my lust.
That was a great story, but I just want to call out real quick that Weinstein's On My Floor is somebody's biography about their experience in Hollywood with Miramax Pictures.
Did I say Weinstein's? I meant to say Weinstein's. I'm sorry. Oh, my old pal Harvey was over. He was on your floor. Yeah, he was on my floor because, yeah, it was a weird time. Yeah. So that was my punishment. But do you remember how I said that maybe the entire world had to suffer? I want to know more. Do you remember that? Yeah. Because this date took place on Sunday, March 15th, 2020.
The very next day, Los Angeles County shut down for the coronavirus. Remember how there was no traffic on the way to the restaurant and the restaurant was empty? It's because people were watching the news and not getting day drunk. Everyone but me knew that the world was coming to an end. And I was like, maybe after song seven, things might change.
I'm not going home.
Thank you all so much for joining us on this lusty episode. This week's tune is Going Home With Ya by Captain Jaws. Coming up next week, humility.
You sounded like Yoda. That's right.
It was a little bit.
Yeah. Until then, I am Tommy Mess III.
And I'm Pete Wright. Thank you for downloading. We'll be back next week right here on All the Feelings, Sins, and Virtues.