Vanessa Van Edwards
Appearances
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
Yes.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
I'm excited to have you.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
Say to walk on stage, hey, everyone. Good morning. Today, I really want to talk to you about a big idea.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
Hi. Good to see you.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
So interesting.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
Okay.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
100%.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
Yes.
Habits and Hustle
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Second, and this is a harder one, but I think it's fun to talk about, which is I try to mirror the person that I'm sitting with physically and verbally. That is my way of showing respect. So for example, if I sit down with someone who is a really fast talker, really high energy, lots of hand gestures, I'll kind of dial up my physical energy.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I'm leaning in, I'm using more gestures, I'm using more facial expressions. On the other hand, if I'm with someone who's quite stoic, maybe more of a slow talker. Maybe they're more purposeful. They don't use a lot of gestures. I also slow myself down, slow down my gestures because we do feel like we like to be around people who are like us, who have similar communication styles.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so that's the next thing you can do is very subtly, and I wouldn't mimic them, but try to match them like a thermostat, try to get on their temperature.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so when we talk about blocking, blocking is when any barrier is between your body and mine. And typically, instinctively, this is like back from our caveman days, we don't like when someone is blocking because we feel like it's a barrier between you and me that I might not trust you. Research, this is actually more important. I want people to perceive you as open.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And definitely, definitely, this is very clear in the research, people rate folks with crossed arms as closed, distant, and closed-minded. Right? So you are going to be rated as less charismatic if you have crossed arms, even if you're cold. It doesn't matter the reason. People, they've rated videos and job interviews and on dates. We do not like barriers.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But more importantly for me, what really convinced me, because I do sometimes like to cross my arms, is you become more closed-minded. They have found that when they ask people to come up with creative ideas, but they're crossing their arms, they come up with less creative ideas. So literally, closed body equals closed mind.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When I'm in a meeting or a date or a presentation or whatever, I want to be as creative as I possibly can. I want to be big thinking. And so I know that the smaller my body is, the more blocking I have, the worse that's going to be. So open body. I like visible hands, obviously. And I also think that the more you can lean, that's another warmth cue.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So when we really like something, we want to lean closer towards it. It's actually our five senses. We want to see it, smell it, touch it, taste it. We want to do our five senses. I don't know if we want to taste each other, but we want to get closer to it. We like things and we want to get closer to them. So you want to do the same thing. If you really like someone's idea, wow, tell me more.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Lean in towards it. If you really like someone, oh my gosh, it's so good to see you, right? Leaning in towards them. It's like a nonverbal bolding of like, I like you so much. I like this idea so much. I physically want to get closer. It works on camera too, which is really nice. And also makes me feel more engaged. Like when I leaned into you, I was like, oh yeah, I do like this tip.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The biggest differentiator was gestures. The TED Talks that had the most views use an average of 465 gestures in 18 minutes. We coded all a chunk of TED Talks. The least popular view TED Talks use an average of 272 gestures in 18 minutes. What's happening is a really good speaker is making themselves easy to understand by saying if they have three ideas, they hold up three.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like it was like a trick for me even internally just now.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Research from Cornell looked at four untrustworthy behaviors, behaviors that when people see them, they immediately feel a little bit of untrust or mistrust. One of them was hands touching face. That was one of them. So research says that when someone is touching their face, we typically don't like it. But I want to add a little caveat here. There are different ways of doing this.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
For example, it can be quite pensive to hold your chin very still and think while holding. When you are rubbing your face, so rubbing your chin, biting your nails, rubbing at your eyes, totally different. Why? Liars often touch their mouth and their eyes. They also touch their nose. So lie detection research, I think these research communities were acting independently of each other.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But yes, as humans, we see someone touching their face as untrustworthy. Why? In the lie detection community, research has found that liars are literally trying to hold things in. So liars will often cover their mouth because like instinctively they're trying to like, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You might even see like if you watch Bill Clinton's testimony during the Monica Lewinsky trial, which I've coded in depth, he literally does a shush gesture to himself as he's waiting for his question that he's about to lie on. Like literally he's holding a shush gesture up. Also, we tend to mouth block is like, shh, it's going to get me in trouble. Do not say it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We also, and this also happened in the Monica Lewinsky trial, I believe Alan Hirsch is the researcher, he counted the number of times that Clinton touched his nose, and he found that it was like 8x times when he was lying versus his truthful answers. This is because there is a little bit of a Pinocchio's nose. They found that we have tissue in our nose that tingles sometimes when we feel guilt.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so they kind of like, liars will often... They feel that tingling in their nose. So they touch their nose. So we instinctively notice. And the last big one is eye blocking. When we don't want to see something like, oh, I'm embarrassed. I don't like it. We will try to cover our eyes, close our eyes because we are ashamed of it. So shame or guilt, they're very close. They're not the same thing.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We'll often cover our eyes. So I'm pretty against face touching only if it's still. You know, if you're pensively... Holding a chin pose, okay. Otherwise, I would say do not make someone think you're a liar, right? Do not accidentally do that. Oh, I should make a note. There is no Pinocchio's nose. There's no one cue that makes someone a liar. And so these are like one-off cues.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like if someone you're talking to someone and they haven't touched their nose once, but all of a sudden you're like, so what do you think of the new girl? And they're like, yeah, you know, she's great, right? that's when I would be like, why did that just happen around that weird verbal?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So you're looking for clusters of red flags when we're talking about lie detection that are signals of shame or guilt or fear.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so touching the face, touching the stomach. So rubbing or touching your torso or your stomach, again, a blocking behavior, right? Like instinctively, we know that. Wringing or rubbing hands. So knuckle cracking, wringing hands, movement around hand self-touch, which makes us nervous. Okay. And blocking behaviors, right? So like any kind of like sudden crossing or blocking.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes. And that's the problem with lie detection and why it's not a true science is it's very hard to separate anxiety from guilt. If someone's accusing you of lying, you're going to be anxious and you're going to do some of those behaviors. We're trying to self-soothe, right? For example, we rub our neck to calm ourselves down. That reminds us of being a baby when our parents rubbed us.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If they have a really big idea, they don't show that it's small. They say that it's big. In fact, if I were to say, I have a really big idea, but hold up my fingers really small, you're more likely to believe my gesture over my words. And so in this way, we have to speak to people on two levels. We have to show them what we're saying with our verbal content.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We bite our pens or our fingers as a pacifying gesture because it reminds us of sucking at the boob or a pacifier. They're all instinctive, but it's hard to know the difference between guilt and anxiety.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so there are statistical cues to deceit. These are things that liars typically do, but there's no one cue. So the way that I do lie detection, the way that I teach lie detection is I think of it as you have to know someone's baseline before you can know what they do when they lie. So we can actually do this together. I think that everyone should know their lying red flags.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Every single person on this earth has things they typically do when they lie. It is good to know what yours are. Know what yours are. So I'm going to help you figure out what those are. Are you ready? Okay. Okay. So here's what I want you to do. You can do this after the interview, okay? First, you have to figure out what your baseline is.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So I want you to turn on your camera and I want you to say your name, your age, and then I want you to say, so like on your phone or whatever, then I want you to tell me what you had for breakfast yesterday. This is how you look when you're recalling something. So Chris, just think about what you had for breakfast yesterday. Okay, so you looked up and to your right. Yes.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay. So that means that when Chris is recalling a truth, you tend to look up to your right.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Right? So, by the way, there was a huge myth back in the day that like, if you look up to the left, you're lying. If you look up to the right.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
No, people do look up when they lie, but they also look up when they're recalling, when they're remembering. So we would know that, Chris, when you're recalling a truthful thing, you tend to look up to the right and maybe down over to the side. Also, I wasn't seeing your whole body, but I don't want to know your hand gestures. I want to see your feet.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And then I would also ask, I would hear your verbal answer. Do you use ums or likes? Are you using a high voice like this? Are you using a low, low voice like this? I don't want to know where you went. So record your response to that. Code it vocally, non-verbally, verbally. What are you doing? Then what I want you to do is I want... That's your baseline. Your recalling baseline.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We also have to say, I'm going to emphasize and underline my content for you so that you can actually comprehend and outline while I'm speaking. So it's almost like we're giving pictures to our words.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Then what I want you to do is tell me your most embarrassing story. Pretend you're talking to me, right? Okay? We do these, by the way, in our lab. We have people submit these videos. And when you tell me your most embarrassing story, I want you to kind of relive it. I want you to like... Recall the humiliation that you felt during that embarrassing story.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I'm trying to get your body a little bit nervous. I'm trying to see your nervous baseline. Code it vocally, verbally, audibly. What are you doing? You'll see on our... We've done this with hundreds of participants. Movement goes up. Typically, people touch their face. They're using more gestures. Or they go really stoic. Deer in the headlights. Like, very, very still. Whites of eyes showing.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Recounting it like they wish they were dead. It tends to be either one. So record yourself... It's your nervous baseline, your nervous tells. And you should know what your nervous tells are as well, because I'll tell you what, you're probably doing them during your presentations. And you should know how to counteract them. Or like, I know what my nervous tells are.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I work very hard to keep them under wraps because I don't want to infect you with nervousness. The last one, the hardest one, I want you to make up an embarrassing story that did not happen to you. And I want you to tell it to me, the camera, trying to convince me that it's real. So pretend like this was you. It cannot be a real story.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
What we're doing, I don't want you to rehearse this ahead of time. Your body is going to leak deception tells. It's going to leak this is not true. You're going to see what you look like when you're trying to come up with a lie. Those tells are your lying tells.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Well, depends on what your goals are. My goals are to look less nervous. Those are my goals. I don't want to teach you to be a better liar, although you could do that with this. My goals really are just to make sure you're not accidentally leaking nervousness.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So many really smart people that I work with, most of my students are like super smart, high achievers off the charts, but they don't know how to present themselves well. And my number one goal is your ideas are great. Don't ruin them with nervous cues. So that's my goal is that you're identifying your nervous cues so you can kind of displace them or stop them. That is the first step for yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You also can practice this with your friends, partner, member, bring them in on it. Do it with them. you will then see your partner's nervous tells and your partner's lying tells. You will see your kid's nervous tells and your kid's lying tells. And that's when we begin to look for red flags. So there are certain cues, touching the nose, touching the face, eye blocking,
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Another really big lying red flag is people drop pronouns. This is called statement analysis. This is an email. So there's some really interesting science about lie detection in emails, which I'm working on currently. When we lie, we don't want it associated with us. Lying feels dirty. Lying feels bad. So what we do without realizing it is we drop the personal pronoun.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So instead of, I'm running late, we say, running late, sorry. Instead of saying, I didn't see your email, we say, must have gone to spam. Instead of saying, my car broke down, we say, oh, got broken down, be there in a bit. So if you see lack of pronouns, again, nothing's a definite lie.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think this is why we love emojis, right? Like we are actually quite pictorial. Like we like to have images. So, you know, if I send a text message, I'm fine. My friends are like, is she fine? I don't know. Like, that doesn't sound fine. But if I were to have a little smiley crying face, I guess I'm very millennial because I use that crying side face, you know, that shows, look, I'm fine. Ha ha.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It just, when I see that over and over again in emails or in a certain area of conversation, I'm always like, hmm, why are they using distancing language, separating themselves from the actual content? The other big lying tell that I like to share with people is the disgust microexpression.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So disgust is when we raise our nose up and we crinkle our nose, we flash the upper whites of our teeth like it. You can try it. Yeah. Disgust is when we have this a lot of activation around our nose and our upper lip. We do not make that expression lightly. Like that's a very weird thing to do with our face. And we often see it if someone smells something bad or tastes something bad.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You also see it with liars. In our research, we asked people to play two truths and a lie with us. So like tell two true statements and one lie. We found that lying makes us feel dirty, like a little bit self-disgusted. And so sometimes people will show disgust while they're talking and while they're sharing the lie. So it looks like this. I were to say, So what do you think of the new guy?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, yeah, you know, he's great. He's great. And they have the disgust showing in their face. It usually means that someone does not feel good about something, but they are afraid to share the truth. So disgust is one of the other statistical cues that you will see misaligned, like misaligned nonverbal and verbal.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Smart people often have the mistaken belief that book smarts equal people smarts. They hope that all their hard work and great ideas and brilliance and talent will translate because it's so good. The problem is what the research shows is that competence without warmth leaves us feeling suspicious. So you can have the best idea in the world.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If you don't know how to share it with warmth, likability, trust, people cannot believe it. It doesn't matter how good the idea is. The kind of famous example, I share this in my book, is Jamie Siminoff. He's a founder of Ring. He went on Shark Tank and Ring is that video doorbell company. Ring is literally a billion dollar idea. Like he went on to sell Ring for billions of dollars.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
He went on to get Shaq, Richard Branson, incredible investors. What most people don't know is he went on Shark Tank, pitched a billion dollar idea and got no deals. Like a complete failure of a pitch. Tons of pushback. They didn't believe they didn't like him. Why? He relied too much on his book smarts. He had a dialed pitch. The numbers were good. The words were good. But he looked scared.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And he also went really mute with his nonverbal cues. Muting in itself is a nonverbal cue. And smart people think, I don't need to think about all this body language stuff. I don't need to worry about my vocal power. My ideas are strong enough. So Jamie was delivering a great pitch verbally, but he looked completely mute. And so the sharks were like, I can't get a read on this guy.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, my goodness. They should be first things visible. In fact, every time you say hello, you should be, hi, I'm Vanessa. So good to see you. We love a gesture. It's funny because there's a primal part of our brain that knows that our hands are our deadliest weapons. So even though we think, we look at the face. Like when I ask people, where do you look when you first see someone?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But if I were to use I'm fine with the emoji with the circle crazy eyes, you'd be like, oh, no, she not fine. And that's because we tend to give more weight to the visual. And that is, I think, why we're speaking in more and more images as we go. Hand gestures in person. is like adding pictures to your book, which we all like.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes. And I think also we forget that highly charismatic people are a blend of both, but they also use warmth and competence like a thermostat. And so we have two goals. One is making sure that you're showcasing both verbally as well as non-verbally.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So even in my emails, we do an email audit with our students where we have them literally calculate the number of warm cues and competent cues in their emails. And Because your emails are a big part of your communication, especially nowadays we're constantly online. So one, you want to be both.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But the real charismatic people, the really good ones, if they know they're emailing a competent person, they dial up the competence. If they know they're emailing a warm person, they dial up the warm. And we can do this with very specific cues. Emojis, exclamation points, words like yay, wow, fab, and whoop. Very warm, right? It's like a little button. You can just sprinkle them in.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It's like warm, warm, warm, warm, warm, warm. Whereas competence, numbers, data, graphs, percent, words like power through, efficient, capable, master, those are all very competent cues. And so we can be in control of how people perceive us. But also, more importantly, we can also infect people with warmth and competence.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The reason why warmth and competence is important is because very charismatic people are making other people feel more charismatic. If you show up as warm and competent, you make everyone in the room more warm and competent. That's why we like highly charismatic people is we want to catch their warmth. We want to catch their competence.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if you are using warm and competent verbal cues in your emails, you are literally gifting warmth and competence to everyone gets them, which means you get better replies, faster replies, and you become more memorable. Research proves that we can produce warmth and competence with the kinds of words that we use. And that is super empowering, not only to us, but to others.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so if you want to appeal more warm, we talked about one of the cues, which is a nod, right? Immediately that slow triple nod is high in warmth. A head tilt is also very high in warmth. So when we expose our ear universally, it shows that we're trying to hear better. That's also a warmth cue. They've found that if I were to deliver bad news to you with a head tilt, it softens the blow.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like it actually feels a little bit better because I'm giving more empathy. So a slight head tilt, this also works really well in a profile picture. So if you are a highly competent leader and you're like, ah, I need to dial up my warmth, consider adding visible hands, so like not so close to the face, as well as possibly a head tilt.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The worst profile pictures, I don't know why this is all over LinkedIn, is like people have their arms crossed and they're like... leaning back and looking over their shoulder. Have you seen this on LinkedIn?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Good on you. Yes, that's great. And so if you want to be seen as warm or incompetent, one, you should angle your body towards the camera. You can consider having a head tilt. Another warmth cue obviously is a genuine smile, not a fake smile, not a half smile. A fake smile is on the bottom half of the face. And it rubs us really wrong.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if I were to have a fake smile on the bottom half of the face, it would make me seem more inauthentic. A real smile reaches all the way up into our upper cheek muscles. And that immediately activates a lot of warmth. It's also more contagious. So if you're going to smile in your profile picture, do it big. If you're not going to smile, be neutral.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So for example, something to think about is men and women have different perceptions of warmth and competence. Typically, women by default are seen as higher in warmth. Men, by default, are seen as higher in competence. This is something important to know.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so you can be a charismatic listener. I think that people, there's a myth about charisma that to be charismatic, you have to be the one talking. To be charismatic, you have to be extroverted and bubbly in the life of the party and tell great stories. That is one kind of flavor of charisma. But the other flavor of charisma is actually being an excellent listener.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So for my books, I decided to not smile on my book covers, my first two book covers, because I know that as a woman, people are already going to see me as higher in warmth. I was trying to dial up competence. So on my book cover, I'm staring right at the camera, which is also a high competence cue or a power cue.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Um, and one of them, I have a steeple, so I'm showing my hands, but I have that power pose and I'm not smiling. So you don't always have to smile, but if you wanted to let warmth, you can, um, Competent side, so a gaze, especially prolonged eye contact, or highly powerful people also tend to make gaze at the end of their sentence.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think a bad tip that sometimes people get is like, make eye contact all the time. No, that is creepy. Do not make continuous eye contact. That is weird. It's way too much pressure. We actually, when I asked you earlier, what did you have for breakfast two days ago? You looked off to the side. That is because as humans, we process away. We typically will stop making eye contact to process away.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
People always say, same, eyes or face, sometimes mouth. And that is the second place we look. But the first place we always look, especially when we're seeing someone for the first time or in a meeting or for the first interaction, is we want to see what is your intention. And so as humans, we will do anything to avoid the most awkward thing in humanity, which is, are we going to hug?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Natural. What highly competent people do is they'll often ruminate as they're thinking, they're looking off in a way, and then when they deliver their point, they deliver right at the end where they make eye contact to you. So eye contact at the end of a point or a sentence, it's like very, very powerful.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And I was doing that other stuff. Yeah. It's almost impossible to compute difficult ideas looking at someone. And that is because our body, when I'm making eye contact, we're producing oxytocin. Our body's like, ah, we're connecting with a human. We better produce oxytocin, which will make us feel trust. When we're doing that, our brain is like, don't solve math problems.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
In fact, quiet, contemplative introverts are a beaut, they're very charismatic. So while you're listening, you actually don't want to use gestures. You wanna use nonverbal warmth cues. Nonverbal warmth cues are ways you signal to the other person, wow, I am so deeply with you that I want you to keep going and tell me more, and I'm even going to partake in your warmth.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Don't try to recall that thing you had for breakfast. Don't try to sort something out. We're focusing on oxytocin. So that's why in natural conversation, people kind of peel away to process something and that feels natural. There is a myth that liars are shifty-eyed. No, no. Liars make more eye contact. And that is because they've typically verbally rehearsed. They don't have to think.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And they're watching you to see, do you believe me?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Exactly. They're literally verbatim memorizing a script, which is why it kind of creeps us out when someone doesn't break eye contact. We're like, what is going on? Do they verbally memorize this? Give me a break.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, OK. So when we did our TED talk research and we found that hand gesture finding, which was just so illuminating. Now it's like, oh, yes, smart people use lots of gestures because they understand our content. The bad TED Talkers, remember, if you're invited to give a TED Talk, you're good. You're going to be good. There's not going to be anyone bad. They're rehearsed to some extent.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The bad TED Talkers were actually so perfect, you did not believe them. They took the stage, and they sounded so scripted and so precise that it was literally hard to pay attention or distracting. The best TED Talks, if you go look at like the top 10 TED Talks of all time, they are super conversational. They almost take the stage like Brene Brown's original TED Talk.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Highly recommend to go watch just the style. She walks on stage as if she's walking into coffee with you. She shares her stories as if she's telling you like an old friend. Ken Robinson, one of the most popular TED Talks of all time, he walks on stage and he shares a little anecdote about his son. And it feels like we're just chummy chatting on the side of the road. He was prepped.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
All these TED Talkers were very prepared, but they were not scripted. And this is what's really important. I actually never, ever believe in scripting, ever. I don't believe in teleprompters. I don't like them. I only use them when I absolutely have to. I would much rather you bullet. Stories, ideas, if you're prepping for an interview or a pitch, go off of your slides.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Never over-rehearse the exact words you're going to say. Try to tap into the original emotion. Those bullets give you charismatic freedom. And that conversational tone is so much better than polished, perfect, formal, which smart people love. Smart people make the mistake, they think, oh, I should be stoic and super formal, super polished.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But actually, that makes it very hard for someone to relate to you.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Jamie Siminoff, right? He had the perfect verbal pitch. It was dialed, but they didn't believe him. They could not relate to him. I think that also like, look, this is a little bit more granola, but perfect is not real. Perfect doesn't work.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So my favorites, my favorite things to do while listening, and by the way, when you're listening just with your hands, I like to keep my hands as still as possible, but still visible. And that could even be like a steeple. You know, I love listening with the steeple. You know, when you put the tips of your fingers together in sort of a church steeple, that's a very power pose for the hands.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think people tend to think that if they have the perfect story or the perfect joke or they look perfect, then people will like them and they'll be impressive. We don't like perfect people because we know that it's not real. We actually like vulnerability. We like raw. And I think we also like people who are not trying to be impressive.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When we try to go in perfect and polished, that's what we're trying to do. I would much rather you focus on, what's a way that I can share this with genuine emotion that I actually feel? And even like a little bit of vulnerability. For many, many years, I tried to hide that I'm a recovering, awkward person. I feel very awkward with people.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That's why I do what I do, is it does not come naturally to me. Pitches and presentations do not come natural. Conversations do not come natural. And once I started sharing that, people were like, oh... This is a learned behavior. If she can learn it, maybe I can learn it. So I think like if there's something you can share that's just real, that's way better than perfect.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Ooh, vocal charisma. Okay, so one thing I didn't talk about from lie detection research is the importance of our vocal cues. So a lot of the cues in lie detection are vocal, and that is because it is very hard to lie with our vocal tone, right? Like it's hard to manipulate or change your voice.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So the reason why we're so cued in to listening to how someone is saying something is our brain is trying to figure out, are you telling the truth? Do I believe you? Do you believe you? So there's a couple of vocal cues that are really important for both truth telling, but also just powerful vocal, having a powerful vocal charisma. The very first one is using the lowest end of your natural tone.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
All of us have a range, both men and women. So right now I'm working very hard to stay in the lowest end of my natural range. This is still natural for me, but when I'm talking to my husband or my kids, you know, I'll often say, oh, hey girls, how's it going? I love you so much. But if I were to give this entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy, right?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You would not like it even though it's natural to me. So we like people who are in the lower end. Why? When I'm in the lowest end of my register, the way that I get my voice down there is one, I keep my shoulders as low as possible. I maximize distance between my earlobes and my shoulder. Second, I'm taking in a lot of oxygen.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So I'm taking in very deep breaths in this interview to keep my vocal cords nice and relaxed. I am letting you hear it now so you can hear me take them in. But normally I take them a little bit slower. When we are anxious, we hold our breath. So what happens is we go, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Yes, up here, we're holding our voice and everything is tense and we don't like it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
This should make you feel nervous when I'm talking like this. So when I speak on the out-breath, it immediately forces my vocal cords to relax. The problem is people typically do this on their very first word. So they answer the phone. Hello? Oh, how are you? Good to hear from you. Right. Hi, my name is Vanessa and I teach people science.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We do that at the very top of our breath because we're the most nervous. What I want you to make sure that you do is from the very first line is you are speaking on the out breath. A little experiment you can do with me if you want to try this is say hello, take in a deep breath and say hello at the top of your breath. So it sounds like this. Hello. Are you going to do it? Are you going to try it?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You can put them in a steeple or have them at rest. More importantly, though, is actually your head behavior when we're listening to someone. So a triple nod, a slow triple nod, it looks like this. You do it really well. They have found that the other person speaks 67% longer, right? When you do a slow triple nod, it's like the other person saying, please keep going. Tell me more.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Hello. There you go. That was your highest range. You should not sound like that. If that sounded familiar to you and you just did that out loud, that means you're speaking the highest end of your range. Now, the opposite of that is speaking on the out-breath. So I want you to hear the difference for me. So this is the highest. Hello. This is the lowest. Hello. Right?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like still me, but I sound so much better. So now try to say hello on your out-breath.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Lower, deeper. That's the voice you should be using. When I'm in a pitch or presentation, the moment I hear myself go a little higher in my register, I take a deep breath and I lower down. And you might have heard in this interview, there has been moments where I've gotten a little high and then I correct and breathe out and bring myself down. This is also where we get vocal fry.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So part one, speak in the lower end of your range. Now, please don't be Elizabeth Holmes. Don't go so low that it sounds unnatural to you. That's weird. Lowest end of your natural range. It should not feel like you're trying. Second is vocal fry. This has to do with breath and volume. The other thing that can happen when we're very nervous is we take very shallow breaths.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that shallowness makes us breathy. It also makes us lose volume. So you'll notice that people with low volume and low breath, they use like vocal fry. And so they'll be like, hey, everyone, like morning. It's like nice to hear from you. I don't know. That grating sounds, that vocal fry is like bacon on a frying pan. We do not like it because we can hear that someone is a little anxious.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We don't want to catch it. Whenever I hear someone in vocal fry or if you hear yourself going to vocal fry, speak louder. It's a trick. It will get you out of vocal fry immediately. So if I hear myself hitting that at the end, I immediately just speak a little bit louder. That volume gets rid of- It just pushes through. It pushes your voice through.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Vocal fry is just your vocal cords rubbing together like rattling. So if you're adding more volume, it just pushes them together so they make a better sound. So if someone's using it, you have them speak up.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Quite. Quite dynamic. And they've actually researched this. So dynamic volume is a power vocal cue. Now, look, I don't always teach this one because you got to get it right. And so if you're going to use this, I really want you to practice it. We love dynamic volume because it helps us with comprehension.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So for example, if I'm really excited about something, I'm like, you are not going to believe this. I'm talking at a high volume. But then when I share something a little bit personal, a little bit more private, I might go down in my volume that immediately cues you in. Wow. We're coming in closer. We're doing something a little bit more intimate.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But then I'm talking about something super exciting. Like it just cues you into the emotional state. We like it as a listener. So I would say if you can use slightly a touch higher volume when you're being authoritative, so you're giving a command, like a boundary or a deadline. When you're very excited about something, we literally tune in more to it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think, by the way, I think there's like Netflix or YouTube, they turn up the volume on ads. Has anyone else noticed this? Because we're cued to listen to things that are louder. So if you're saying something important or you're excited about up, volume up, if you're saying something... intimate, vulnerable, personal, kind of secretive, or even like surprising, lower your volume.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
People will either lean in or it also triggers their brain to think, oh, we're saying something like a little bit softer. And that kind of excites us in a different way. So be careful, right? Like this is, a hard thing to master. I barely do it. In interviews, I find I don't do it purposefully. If I do it accidentally, I'm like, yes. It's a lot of cognitive load for me.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It's like a nonverbal dot, dot, dot. So I would recommend hands still visible at rest, occasional slow triple nod. You can even do one of my favorite cues, which is called a lower lid flex. So if you flex your lower lids at me, yeah, great.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Remember, I'm an awkward person. So I have to think a lot about my communication. I'm a social overthinker. So if any of these cues feel like too much cognitive overload, do one at a time. And that is because we can grow social muscles. So things that used to be hard for me, I practiced enough times where now I don't even think about them. So it's okay to also go cue by cue.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You know, there's 97 of them. You can go one by one if you want.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, yes. This is, I think, my mission in life is to help my fellow social overthinkers. And this is how. There is no such thing as perfect, but there is purposeful. When you are purposeful with your interactions, it takes all the overthinking out of it. If you know in a conversation you have two goals, warmth and competence,
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That directs all that social overthinking that's like negative, not helpful to you into warmth cues, competence cues. Warmth, verbal, competent, nonverbal. It actually gives your brain something to think about that's not, I'm doing bad. I sound dumb. Do they even like me? Are they mad at me?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So I want to replace all those negative internal limiting beliefs with really positive ones and purposeful ones. So warmth and competence, winning, I got this, I'm excited, great. The other thing that you can think about doing is, okay, what's my conversational intention here?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When you do this, this is across cultures, when humans flex their lower lid, it actually minimizes the amount of light that is entering into your eye, which allows you to see detail. So for example, if someone's really like squinting to try to see something, they're trying to make their vision sharper.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I know that when I'm interacting, I'm trying to find out as much about the person as possible and I have one singular goal in normal conversation. How many times can I say, me too? I know that there's a psychological effect, the similarity attraction effect. It is the most powerful effect in basic interactions, which is we like people like us.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We're, of course, attracted to sometimes our opposites. My husband is my opposite, and that's a good thing. But we like people who have similar values, similar interests. In a conversation, if I can feel and get the other person to feel, oh, yeah, me too. I also love that. We're winning. So I've taken away all those negative worries.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And all I focus on is what questions could I ask to find our similar interests? What stories could I tell to find our similar core values? How much more can I say me too? That has completely game changed the internal focus of my overthinking.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so this is actually what got me started on my career journey 17 years ago, aging myself. So I started in 2007 and my very first YouTube video was about this in November 7, 2007, which was how do we elevate small talk to be less boring and more engaging? I am allergic to small talk. I hate it. It turns me off. It makes me like want to leave every conversation.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It wants me to be more introverted. I'm actually an ambiver in between. So we did an experiment about a decade ago where we took 500 speed networkers and I assigned them conversation starters that I hypothesized could break small talk scripts. The problem with small talk is that we're on autopilot. And this is why it goes so badly. We meet someone and we're like, so what do you do?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Where are you from?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, well, it was nice meeting you. We have the same questions and we've answered them a million times before. So our brain is just dead. A part of me dies when someone asks, what do you do? That's just how I feel inside because I've answered it so many times. Okay, so I assigned how are you and what do you do? The two questions we ask and answer the most often.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Then I assigned four questions that I thought... would produce better conversation. We set up cameras in all four corners of the room. We tested volume, modeling with gestures of excitement. So more gestures, more leaning, more nods, more smiling. And then I asked each person to rate the quality of their conversation on a scale of one to five.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
In conversation, this is a way of showing, I am listening so deeply that I'm trying to see every detail. I have a theory, you know, in the name of science, I love doing research experiments in my lab. We looked at the 50th sexiest men alive people issue. And I noticed that so many of the men were showing a hardened lower lid.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
One being, that was the most awkward conversation I've ever had. I want to die inside and I could barely feel the time. Five being, that was the best conversation I've ever had. This could be my soulmate, right? Like on a scale of one to five. How are you and what do you do? Across the board, the lowest ratings. Yet we ask them all the time.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So my very first tip for small talk, do not ask, what do you do? We need to go on a small talk diet. If you ask boring questions, you will get boring answers. You have to be willing to be conversationally courageous, which means breaking the social script. No more what do you do. No more how are you. No more what's up, been busy, how's it going. No more. You're literally chewing the new boring.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Second, the highest rated question was what was the highlight of your day? Why? I was trying to think of a replacement for how are you, right? Like it's hard to like walk into the office and be like, what are your greatest dreams in life? Or like that would be deep, but people would not like it. So I'm like, what's a better replacement for how are you? What's the highlight of your day?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Or what's been good? It completely changes the autopilot. One, it disengages it. But second, it makes the other person think, oh, What has been good, good, good, good, good? And you're gifting them optimism. They are literally in their brain thinking, what's been good, good, good, good?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And they're going through all the good things in their mind, which immediately changes them to be more positive, gives you a better, more engaging answer. So what was the highlight of your day or what's good is the question that I want you to start with whenever you walk into office, hop on a call, even an email. The second two questions were almost tied for second place.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They were working on anything exciting recently, and this is a replacement for what do you do? What do you do is also asking someone, what are you worth? And I think that for people who are not defined by what they do or they're ashamed of what they do, it's actually a hard question for them. And so if you ask instead, working on anything exciting recently,
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You are giving them permission because if they love what they do, oh, they'll tell you. They will tell you. If they don't love what they do, they'll tell you something else that's great. A side hustle, a personal passion. If they don't work, they'll tell you about being a stay-at-home parent. It's a permission question and it immediately lights someone up because they're like, what's exciting?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
What's exciting? The third one was what personal passion project are you working on, which people love to talk about. And by the way, even if someone doesn't have a personal passion, they can be like, you know, I have to work on that. And then you get to share yours. You can still then share yours and have a little bit of excitement.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The fourth question, for my math folks who are counting, the fourth question almost broke my data in the sense that people either gave this question a five, they loved it, it was amazing, they made best friends, or a zero, which wasn't even an option on my scale. That's how much they hated it. Can you guess what it was?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
This question is, what's your story? Now, I wondered, because this is kind of a deeper question, I wondered what this were. Extroverts love this question. They're like, what's my story? How much time do you have? Should I start in the childhood years or college? They are thrilled to share their life story with their Uber driver, with the person on the side of the street. They love it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Introverts, you ask them this question and they're like, I have to go to the bathroom. I don't want to share this with you. And that is because it's a little bit personal. It's a little bit too deep too quickly. So I would just share the first three questions. Great. Be careful with what's your story. Only ask it if it's an extrovert.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that is because I think we find it attractive when someone is so engaged, they're trying to see us deeply. It's sort of that blue steel look. I think that that's why he did it in Zoolander. This is really helpful for two things. One, when you want to show that you're deeply listening, you can harden your lower lid. Ah, yes, I see you.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And when in doubt, I would avoid asking it until later, until you know them better.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Ah, yeah. I thought you were going to ask, do introverts have a harder time with small talk? And the answer is yes, because they use less words on an average day and they're less comfortable sharing. Introverts have a very difficult problem because they crave privacy, but they also crave connection.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so they're like, I so want to connect with people in a good way, in a deep way, but I'm also, I value my privacy. Do they have a hard time being charismatic? I think they do struggle more than extroverts. That's not based in the research, but I think that extroverts who are talkers, who thrive with people, they're at ease in social interactions, right?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The difference between an extrovert and an introvert is an extrovert gets energy from people. An introvert gets energy from being alone. An ambivert can get energy with the right people in the right situations, but needs recharge time, like needs alone time. So introverts are often set up to not be as at ease because when they're with people, their energy battery is used. They are juicing it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They are juicing it. Now, I think that if they know what to say, they have exactly what questions to ask. They know what to do with their hands. They know what they're searching for. It becomes easier. Their battery is drained less. So they can be extremely charismatic, but it takes more work.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, this is, I think, the mission of my life is helping people feel braver because what's fascinating is we tend to overestimate our abilities in all areas when it's not correct. We tend to think we're smarter than we are. We contribute more than we contribute. The only exception to that is in conversational awkwardness.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We tend to think that we're bad at conversation when actually we're better than we think. So the first thing I would say is you might be harder on yourself than you need to be. And a lot of this can also come from our past bad experiences.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like if you struggle with social anxiety or if you had a narcissistic parent, you often misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative, which means that you have been in interactions where you think people are angry at you. You think people are disappointed or not happy, but actually because of your background, you're misinterpreting neutral as negative.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
There are times if you see it on someone else, it could mean they're deeply listening, but it also could mean that they're trying to figure something out or they're scrutinizing. So I have noticed that occasionally in negotiations or presentations, if I see someone do that lower lid flex at me, I'll say, does this all make sense? Are we all good here? Chris, do you have any questions for me?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That we, it's a cycle, right? So we, if we had a narcissistic parent, that that parent was overly critical of us and often was negative towards us. So we take that imprinting, we take it to social interactions. We see a neutral person who's like, oh, that's interesting. You do marketing. And we miss into- They hate me.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They hate me. They hate me. I'm gonna excuse myself. Bye. We don't ask for their number. We don't think that we're clicking. We think that we're doing a terrible job. We go home early. And I know this so intimately. If this is you, we are together. It took me years of coming home from parties and me saying to my husband, well, she hates me. And my husband would be like, what are you talking about?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I'm like, yeah. She was so mad at me. He's like, no, I don't think so. And it took a lot of dissecting. This is why I learned microexpressions. It's because I was like, I have to know what anger looks like so I don't misinterpret neutral as angry.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I have to know what contempt and disgust, I have to know what these look like so I know exactly when I should be seeing negativity when I'm not misinterpreting it. So one is getting very clear on the cues that are being sent to you. I think that could be extremely empowering. Learning what the negative expressions look like so you're not misinterpreting them.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Second is not everyone is going to like you. That's good. It would be exhausting and overwhelming if everyone liked you and you had to be friends with everyone. I think the moment we're okay with some people are not my people. I actually think we should be more forthright with this. I believe in creating friendship allergies. There are certain people who I get along with so well.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And there are certain people who like me. I'm allergic to. We just don't get along that well. I would rather know that sooner rather than later because I have a social battery that only is half full usually. So I now create allergies. I figure this out really quickly. One of the ones I ask is very early on in a conversation if we're connecting is I'll be like, so what's your big goal for 2025?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
This is because I am super goal-oriented. Like I love a goal. I thrive off of goals. If you tell me, oh, you know, I'm not that into goals or I just never, you know, I have all these goals and I just never achieve them, we're probably not going to get along. I'm with my friends, like I will bully you into achieving your goals. You know, like that, if you have a goal, it's my goal too.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like we're going to be in it together. And so I think like thinking about what are the questions you could ask that that are going to very quickly help you find your people actually makes you feel more confident because trying to make it work with someone who isn't your person is exhausting.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, exactly. Exactly. And we have to think about these. What are things that you just know are a deal breaker? I'll give you one of my husbands. He's going to be so mad at me when I share this, but it's true. So he really does not like horoscopes. He's just very much not into horoscopes. And so he will ask early on, so what's your sign? And he sees how into it someone is.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And if they're too into it, he's like,
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, exactly. And so whenever we're with a new couple, you know, and we're trying to be friends with this couple and someone starts talking about horoscopes, I'm like, no, it's done. We're not going to be friends. Oh, no.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Because I noticed their brain just went into a deep listening mode. And there was one time where actually I uncovered a confusion that the boss was having right in the moment, right there, that if I hadn't have clarified that, it would have messed up the entire pitch. It would have messed up the entire pitch. So look out for it as well as making sure someone's on the same page as you.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes. So this is kind of a weird one. I think that we put too much focus on looks for attractiveness. That sounds weird, right? But actually being attractive is about being physically attractive, but it's actually being physically available. We are very attracted to people who are not going to reject us.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so in dating, there's something called signal amplification bias, which means that we think that we're being over the top obvious with our attraction cues and who we're into, but actually we are biased to this. People miss most of our cues and they tend to think that people are not interested in them.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So you have to over signal availability to others and that makes you immediately more attractive. I think it was researcher Monica Moore who She looked at singles in a bar and she found that the most attractive women were often approached the least because they were signaling less availability nonverbal cues.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
women who were signaling the most nonverbal availability cues, which I'll talk about in a second, were approached the most and had the most dates and had the most follow-ups. So we've learned a couple of these already, but we love, especially in a courtship setting, darting glances. So I'm going to try and do these with the camera. Maybe they'll translate or not.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Monica Moore found this in her research study that the women, especially the women, it works for men to women too, but for women to men especially, who do very quick lingering glance. So it's like a very quick one, two, one, two, like 17 times. Like that's how many times it took for a man to approach. This is in heterosexual dating. It took 17 times for the guy to get it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So it takes way more than you think. So quick darting glances, lingering glances. I also think, this was not in the research study, but there's a very low pressure way to be attractive verbally. And it's to be very clear. If you see someone who's attractive in the gym or a hallway or All you have to do to suss it out if there's anything happening there is like a, hey, just that.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Because if they're married or not interested, they'll be like, hey. You're like, cool. Like, not my person got it. But if they're like, hey, you're in, girl. Like, you're in. This works for both men or women. Just try like a little subtle soft hey. Lowest voice tone, little lingering gaze. It is the fastest way to be like, I'm available, are you? And we got to do that more often.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like life is too short. I have so many amazing single students who are catches. They are incredible and they are single and they are lonely. And I'm like, when's the last time you said, hey? And they're like, what? I don't want to be rejected. And I'm like, would you rather be lonely? Like, we got to get some social exposure.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And this is my last tip for dealing with anxiety, which also answers your attractiveness question, is I would rather you over-signal availability, which has no repercussions. If you do darting, lingering glances and no one approaches you, okay. There's no downside to that. If you approach someone or walk by someone in the gym and you're like, hey. And they ignore you, no repercussions.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like it is totally okay. I think we have to get out there and expose it because they have found that the more that we can do social exposure to things that make us slightly anxious, they stop making us anxious. So if I'm saying this and this is making you nervous, please go do it 10 times. We got to just rip off that band-aid.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I promise you, by the 11th time, and if it's not true, you can come find me on Instagram and yell at me. By the 11th time, it will feel a little less scary. By the 12th time, you might have a date.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And I think, yes, yes, and if you've tried CBT or any of these techniques before and they haven't worked, they're gonna work this time. And let me tell you why. Sometimes CBT will give, or social exposure therapy will give you an assignment without enough tools.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And if you've struggled with social anxiety like I have, or if you're a recovering awkward person like I have, you'll do these over and over again and they still feel bad. If you have an intention, like you know what to do with your hands, you know what question you're gonna ask, you know exactly how you're gonna say hey, you know you're gonna do flirting, darting, lingering glances,
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That takes on the anxiety because it gives you something to do with it. So if it hasn't worked in the past, it will work now because now you're going to have very specific tools you're going to use that are going to get you out of that overthinking.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So again, I'm going to say, you don't want to appeal to everyone. So many of my friends who do online dating, by the way, I've been married for 15 years together with my husband for 18 years. So it's been a minute. So just caveat all my dating advice where it's been a minute. Thank you so much for having me.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like I have a friend who loves dogs and she didn't have any pictures of dogs in her profile. And I was like, no, you want to attract a dog guy. Like you want to attract a guy who loves dogs. Have a dog in every one of your profile pictures. Like you need to be featuring your dog because you don't want to have someone who's like, I'm allergic to dogs. I don't really like dogs.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Are we going to handshake? Are we going to high five? Are you withholding anything? And so part of our brain is always just looking to see if you're going to handshake, high five. And on Zoom, it's even more confusing because our brain knows that we should see hands, but when it can't, it worries.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I don't like when they sleep in our bed. Like that's a very specific and small one. But if you have values, you want to state them as clearly as possible up front so you're getting better dates from the very start. The second thing is, Try to ask level two questions on your dates. The other thing that can happen on these dates is you're talking, but you're not really connecting.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So you're on a date and you're like checking things off. I know I've had a couple amazing experiences where I've got to observe some speed dates and everyone nowadays has like checklists, you know, like people have like things in their mind that they want. And so basically I can hear them doing their checklists in their heads. They're like, do you travel much? Oh yeah, I love travel. Check.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You know, I don't jump up and down. I try to change my chemical cocktail. So internally, I know that my emotions are contagious. We like certain speakers because they bring confidence to the stage and we love to be around winners. We love winners. We want to catch their winning attitude. So I know that before I head a stage, before I lead a meeting, I want to have my winning cocktail going.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So like, what do you do for fun on the weekends? Oh yeah, also does yoga, also does running, also goes to the gym, also, great, check. So like, what shows are you watching these days? Oh great, we have the same humor. What kind of music do you listen to? Like, I can literally hear them doing those. And those things are okay, but it's going to limit you in terms of depth.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Those are not very deep questions. And so then you'll end up being on seven dates and feel like you don't really know that person. I would much rather you go to level two. So level one, when we talk about connection, is general traits. Basic interests, job, where you're from, like your general facts. Level two is goals, motivations, worries, fears, personality traits.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
These are the questions that I want you asking, even on date number one. I want you going there, not in the first few minutes, you got to hit some of those level one questions, but like as quickly as possible. So this is, what are you learning right now? What is your biggest goal right now? What keeps you up at night? What excites you? Where do you see yourself in five years?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Those kinds of questions are getting to values or getting to motivations. And that's where we actually begin to find alignment, especially with personality. Like, is this person as extroverted as you? Like, I would literally ask them or have them listen to this podcast and be like, where's your social battery? Like, are you an introvert or extrovert?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like, how much socializing do you like to do in a week? That is so important for your relationship, much more than music tastes.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
There are some. There are some differences and actually not as many as you would think. Like even the big five personality traits, which is a really robust science, has very little gender differences. But there are some and they're typically how we communicate. So, for example, women love what are called vocalizations.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
On a date, a woman thinks that a date is going well and also is more attracted to the person she's with. I believe this is both in heterosexual and homosexual relationships. The more they are saying, oh, mm, uh-huh, wow, oh... That's called a vocalization. And they love doing them as well as hearing them.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So men, if you would like to be more appealing, the more vocalization you can give the other, the woman that you're with, the more she's going to feel like, wow, like we're resonating. We got this. We're literally in the same wavelength. I'll even hear like really good relationships, like old marriages. They like on the same wavelength. So like the woman will be like, don't you think?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They're like literally syncing up their vocalization. So try to give more vocalizations. That's for women. Men are okay with not having any vocalizations at all. They don't need that at all. That's like the biggest one. The other ones have to do with warmth and competence. that women tend to come across and feel they should be warmer.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So they tend to laugh more, giggle more, self-touch more, right? Like they'll self-touch their hair, their earrings. They also use different cues to be attractive. So women to be attractive will touch their lips. They'll touch their suprasternal notch, like the notch in between their two collarbones.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They will stroke their hair to show the health of their hair, which shows that they can bear children. Men will typically... Try to showcase the squareness of their jaw. So like they might do one of these things like or like they'll rub their face to like shit at. They also want their pheromones out there. So they might like even like rub this or try to get like their armpit pheromones out.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I want to have a lot of testosterone. This is for both men and women. I want to have as much dopamine as possible because dopamine also serves me. So just very, I'm going down to the bare basics here. Testosterone does a lot of things in our body, but for performance purposes, for presentations, it makes me think more clearly and It makes me more eloquent. It makes me have less dry mouth.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Um, because they know that could, that signaling high testosterone. Um, but that's a little bit different between homosexual and heterosexual, but the way that we are attractive is, is a little bit different. Availability is good for everyone, but some of those smaller cues are a little bit different.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Right. Right. And I think like asking like all the kinds of nonverbal permission are also great as well. Like, for example, in this culture that we're in right now, it's like a very odd place to be. Touching used to be a thing that people did when they were flirting. Right. This used to be a thing that we did where like a man and woman was attracted.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so you would sort of lean out and touch their arm. You touch their lower back. Well, now it's like, you know, I don't want to touch too quickly. So what you can do instead is you can reach out as if you're about to touch and then let the woman go the other way. So like, you can like, I call it a hover touch. Like, right. So you can like, it's hard to do it on myself.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But like, if you were, if you would normally to flirt with a woman, like reach out and touch her hand or touch her back, you could reach out and not actually touch her and see if she leans into the touch or is receptive to the touch. So there's also things that we can do to have like that slow.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Well, I'm probably not the person to ask on compliment economics because while I know I shouldn't need compliments, compliments make me feel good and therefore I really want compliments. So I think that we should actually compliment like a skill and take a compliment like a skill. What I mean by this is don't compliment the tall guy on being tall.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Do not compliment someone on something that they already know is a thing for them. I often hear, I'm with VIPs, and someone will compliment the VIP on the thing that they work really hard on. They're like, yeah, yeah, I know. You're better off complimenting someone on something that they're working really hard on, but they haven't quite perfected. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if there's something that they're working on, they haven't quite perfected and you're like seeing the progress, complimenting on progress is one of the best things you can do. We love progress as human beings. So complimenting more specific things that they're working on. And the second thing is we should be good at receiving compliments.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And I've had to work on this where like if someone compliments you, like, oh my gosh, that is so kind. And then don't say it back. This is like the worst when someone's like, oh my gosh, you look so pretty. And then someone's like, oh, you look pretty too.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yeah, no one believes that. So if you get a compliment, just say, thank you so much. That's so kind. Just that. Don't apologize for it. Don't say that they're wrong. And for heaven's sakes, don't fake compliment them back. Just take it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It makes me have more stamina. Dopamine, it's the chemical of pleasure. It makes us feel good. But the reason I like dopamine is actually because it gives us motivation. They found that if they can gift dopamine in an interaction, people are more likely to open up, more likely to answer questions, more likely to work hard. So I'm trying to stimulate that for myself, dopamine, testosterone.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And also, like, we hate feeling wrong. So if someone compliments you and you'd argue with them... No, I'm not.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, and here's how I want you to think about it. We love a lot of things as humans, but two things we really love. One, feeling really smart about... Second, giving advice. So if you say to someone, my gosh, I have been loving how much you're doing on YouTube. It's incredible, your videos. And I say, oh, no, no, I didn't do any of it. My team did all of it. They're like, oh, I feel stupid.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That is the worst thing for someone to feel. The second thing is, can you double down and be like, oh, my gosh, what did you like about it? Tell me everything. You've just doubled up on the compliment. Not only have you accepted what they've given and made them feel smart, now you're actually going to ask them for advice, which really puts them in the position of expert.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So when someone compliments me on something like that, especially like if someone compliments me on my book, I'll be like, Oh my gosh, what was like the biggest takeaway? Like, what did you love the most? I'm trying, I'm writing my next book. I'm trying to figure out the nuggets that stuck with people. And they're like, well, let me tell you. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Um, the thing about the lying. I really like the thing about the lying. I mean, like, I'd rather know. Like, are you going to fake compliment me or real compliment me? So yes, the other hidden objective of that is also, is this real? I'm not going to sniff test this. Are you bullshitting me?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, my goodness. Well, I read my audio books. So if you like audio, I do Cues and Captivate. They're both on Audible. And then I'm at scienceofpeople.com if you want tips every Monday.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Bye.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If I'm anxious, like if I'm very nervous, maybe a little bit of serotonin to try to calm myself down. Okay, so what are the things that immediately trigger those very quickly in my pre-success routine? The first one is music. So there are certain songs, especially for me, everyone has their own. I have like a pump-up playlist.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They're songs that specifically remind me of times I've won or just give me that, oh, like this is such a pleasure to listen to. So I'm listening to the right kind of music. Second, I am very purposeful with the verbal cues I use before I do anything. And there was a study that changed my perspective on this.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So what they did is they brought participants into their lab and they gave them intelligence tests, like basic intelligence tasks. They split them up into two different groups. The first group took the intelligence task and they read a set of very sterile directions, the kind of directions we read all the time. So please complete the following tests to the best of your ability.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The second group, they wondered if they sprinkled in what are called achievement-oriented words, words like success, win, master, achieve, could they actually change the participant's behavior? So they sprinkled in three or four of these words. So try to win the following answers to the best of your ability. If you achieve success, they just very sprinkled them into the direction.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Everyone who took and read the win-oriented directions performed better on the task, but more importantly, spent double the amount of time on average working on the task and enjoyed the task more. I want that before I hit a stage. I want to actually enjoy my time on stage so that I have a lot of energy. I want to work at it and I get the gift of feeling like a winner.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that is because part of our brain and our amygdala begins to fire when we can't see someone's hands, especially when we're trying to understand them. And so the best thing you can do is have your hands visible. That helps with trust. And the second, if you want to get fancy, is to actually have them be explanatory, which we can talk about if you want to.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Once our body feels like a winner, our brain acts like it. So I'm trying to do all those things. So I'm using a lot of win words. Like I literally like have a win routine or a pump up routine. I listen to that playlist. I also try to laugh. Like even before our interview, I watch my favorite comedian to just like get me laughing, get me open. Laughing opens up your body. It opens up your face.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It makes you breathe more. It lowers my vocal register, which for women is especially important. But for both men and women, that's like magic when you're presenting.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, so yes, I actually think that chitchat backstage is really important. I was just talking about this with another speaker and he said to me, oh, I'm really in my head before and I don't want to talk to anyone. I said, actually, like I try to make really positive small talk with everyone. And if someone says like, oh, are you nervous? No, I'm excited.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I literally will try to reframe any butterflies that I feel, any tremors that I have. This is excitement. This is not nervousness. Nervousness and excitement feel very similar in the body. They do very similar things. So I am telling my brain, I'm excited. You're excited. I'm excited. I'm excited to share. I'm excited to teach.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When I'm talking backstage, I'll be like, what are you most excited about? What speaker did you like the best? What do you think is the people's biggest goal today? I'm using words like goal, win, achieve, success, excited. A really great study. I love a study, if you'll forgive me, but I think this is just so good. This was by Alison Woodbrooks at Harvard.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
She made students, poor students, sing Don't Stop Believing into a karaoke machine that rated them for accuracy, like accuracy of singing. These students had no singing background. One group, they just sung. Control group. The second group, she had them say out loud, no matter how they felt, I'm nervous. Then sing.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And the last group had to say, I'm excited, no matter how they actually felt, and sing. The group that said, I'm excited, had the most accurate singing. Over 80% accuracy in their singing, even though they had no trained singers, the control group was next. I think the, the I'm nervous group sung with under 60% accuracy. In other words, you can have a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If you're about to go up and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. You are going to make yourself think like a loser. You're going to have more cortisol. You're going to have more adrenaline and those things don't serve you. So you are better reframing as like, I am excited. Like this is my moment. I'm going to win.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So really, really good speakers. They know their content so well that they can speak to you with two different modes. They can speak to you with their words, but they can also use their gestures to emphasize, underline, and outline. So the best TED Talks, you know, I love TED Talks. And my team and I analyze thousands of hours of TED Talks looking for patterns.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, exactly.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And, you know, a little power posing is always good, right? The reason I like laughing is because it kind of broadens your body. I also sometimes see people pacing backstage. You know, I do a lot of events and I see other speakers sometimes and they're like, they're hovered over their notes, right? They're like hunched over their notes.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They're looking at their little tiny phone and they're like practicing in like this very small, tight, contracted way. And they get on stage every single time. Whenever I see somebody that they get on stage from this very contracted position and they always either start with vocal fry. So... Hi, good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Because they've actually contracted their vocal power. They have less breath. It's their first word. They lose all their vocal charisma, like really right off the bat. Or they start with the question inflection. Hi, my name is Vanessa. So happy to be here. And today we're going to talk about growth and
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that is because they were literally in, and I don't say this without some backing, a loser position. Researchers from the University of British Columbia studied winning athletes and losing athletes. This is across Olympic trials, so around the world. Losing athletes contract... When they lose a race, they tilt their head down. They roll their shoulders in.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They take up as little space as possible. That restricts their oxygen. That lowers their testosterone. It literally makes them feel worse. Whereas winners take up as much space as possible, right? They're super broad. They tilt their head up. So laughing is a sort of comfortable way for me to go into winner body language.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I do think it would be a little weird if I was like stomping around backstage, you know, like Rocky. I could do it, but I think it would also create a little bit of weirdness. So if you can broaden your body, that's why I think Tony Robbins jumps. He's actually trying to get all that adrenaline out, but testosterone in that winning kind of open, big spatial take up.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if you can take up space to like, you know, a chair with armrests, big, broad couch, all my chairs in my office, you can't see it right now. They all have armrests. Whenever I have someone, a client come over, they're always sitting in big, broad chairs. That really does affect that feedback in our body.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Man, did she, she got in trouble. She got in trouble. Yes, she had some cystic. She's said that she's replicated it now. And I really respect Amy Cuddy's work. There is some truth to power posing because we know that winners do it. So we know that winners across gendered cultures and races, when they feel pride, they take up space. This is an innate response in humans. Does it work backwards?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We think so. We think that we can take the pose of a winner and then kind of change those chemicals. Is it the fastest way? Maybe not. Is it the only way? Maybe not. But there is more and more science to prove that, yes, it's true. And she's been working on replicating it ever since her mishap.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh my goodness. Okay, so remember that when you're seated, you can still look very, very confident and powerful. The biggest thing you can do when you're seated from a nonverbal, should we talk nonverbal or verbal or both? Both. Okay. We'll do nonverbal because we were just talking about it. One is you want to angle your torso towards the person you're speaking with, especially your camera.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The biggest mistake that I see on Zoom is someone has their camera here, but their screen is angled off. So while they're typing and taking notes, their entire body and their face is actually angled somewhere else, and they just glance over at the camera. Horrible. It is almost impossible to feel like you have a really good connection with someone when you are not physically aligned with them.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I didn't understand why everyone who gives a TED Talk is good, right? You're not invited to give a TED Talk if you're not good. And I wondered why do some go viral, like millions and millions of views, and others, by relatively unknown people, they get thousands. And we looked for all these variables, gender and color and smiling. We clocked the amount of time they smiled.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So when I'm on the same nonverbal page as you, our toes, our torso, our head are angled towards each other. We literally feel like we're on the same page. Like physically, we feel like we're on the same page.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So wherever you're seated, I like like a swivel chair, you know, or if I'm at a restaurant with someone and they put us kind of kitty corner, I will like angle my chair so that I'm angled more towards them. So one, try to get on the physical same page.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay, so flirty glances are typically, they are little gaze patterns, is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we see someone we like, we...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah, like very brief.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It's a look back up.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Look back, yeah. And it's a side look or a down and up look. The down and up look works really well because you're looking up through your lashes. That's a very, think Marilyn Monroe. So if you want to look at the classic example of this, every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes. That is a look that we just like. We just like it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That's why we like it. So it's glancing around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away. Then it's little smiles. So look and little smile. And by the way, remember it took 29 of these. So we got to get really comfortable with trying. And the nice thing is there's no pressure. If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the glance, right? So eye contact, smiles.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Self-touch is also considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with my hair or I play with my dress, that's a way of signaling our hair health from an evolutionary perspective. It's like, look how healthy I am, my healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons why we tend to like long hair. Women will also, when they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why sometimes women will touch their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very, very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships. For example, it's a little bit off the side of dating, but I just want to explain why smell is so important.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I just read this study and I was like, What? They had women wear white t-shirts with no deodorant, no nothing. So just their natural smell for 24 hours. They took these t-shirts and they had other women smell these t-shirts and rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay. Imagine you're opening a Ziploc bag and you're smelling the shirt.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I would have loved it. Okay. I would have loved it. Sign me up. The researchers, I'm there. So they had them smell the t-shirts and they had them rate them on how much they liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact in person. They didn't know who was who. The smell they liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So they actually found their people. There is something to it. So when you're self-touching like that, it's because we're trying to release this natural smell of like, I'm going to probably click with you. Right, if you smell good. If you smell good. And good is subjective. Like that's why I think why sometimes you're like, we're just clicking. We like each other's smell.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay. You walk to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk by them. Hey. Hey. like that because look by the way this is for both men and women yeah okay because life is too short to not hey yeah right and there's no pressure if you walk by someone in the gym right and you're like hey even if they have their airpods in if they like you they're gonna be like hey
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
No, it matters. Yeah, it does matter.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
All right. Okay. So I'll do a good and bad one.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That was good. That was good. See, men do good with a downward inflection. So like that downward inflection is good. So if it goes good, the guy's going to be like, hey. If he's not into it, he's going to be like, hey.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
No problem. Right? Like, cool. Hey. So it's like the most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store. Even, by the way, if someone has AirPods on, they're still going to see you go. And they're going to take out their earpod. And they're going to be like, hey. So here's the difference, right? So I am using the lowest end of my natural tone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
This is especially important for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak. 200 milliseconds. That means the most important word you can say really is, hey, that's it. You've just signaled your confidence, your confidence, not confidence. It's specifically confidence. Okay. So what does that mean?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
We are listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So right now I'm working really hard to use the lowest end of my natural voice because I know that people are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit more like this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Now, if I were to do the entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy. Absolutely, 100%. Horrible. It's infectious. We catch it. We don't like to be around people where we could catch their anxiety. We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found that we match... the voice resonance of the most important person in the room.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So when they tested people, they found that they, subconsciously, their resonance matched whoever's most important person in the room, their own resonance.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay. So luckily one is now that you know it, it's going to be very easy for you to hear yourself do it. So at home, if you wouldn't mind trying this with me, I want you to hear the highest end of your range versus the lowest end of your range. Everyone has a natural range. So first let's start with the highest. So take a deep breath and say hello at the top of your breath. Hello. Hello.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That's our natural highest end of our range. I never want you to sound like that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Right. Maybe your dog. I see people go, hello, to their dog. Maybe to a baby.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Babies and dogs. Totally fine. Babies and dogs. That's it. Because you're signaling tightness, high anxiety, and we don't want that. And by the way, this happens to everyone. We hold our breath as we're answering the phone. Hello. You've just given away all your confidence. Okay. So that's the highest. Let's try the lowest. So take a couple deep breaths.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Relax your vocal cords, relax your shoulders, relax your jaw, relax your mouth. And then I want you to say hello on the out-breath. It's going to sound like this. Hello. Hello. That's the lowest end of your range. What happens here is when we take in breath and we speak on the out-breath, it forces our vocal cords to relax and it puts us in our lower range. So here's the difference.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Here's how I want you to say hello. Let's turn to the phone first. So instead of hello, I want you to go hello. Hello. Totally different. Only the second one? The second one. Yeah. Right? So here's the bad one. Hello. That's too high. Versus on the out-breath. Hello.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
We decide how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak. The best way to show availability is one word, and it sounds like this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It's still me, but I sound totally different. Totally different. You would treat me differently based on those two hellos. I started off by saying, your cues change how people treat you. If you speak with confidence, people are going to treat you with more respect. And so it is critical that we speak in that lower tone. So when I was like, hey... I didn't go, hey.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It was so awkward. Oh, my God. So a nice low hey for both men and women. This works. And can we just hey everyone?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I like that. Let's just do, like, life is too short to not hey a person. You're like, I kind of like their vibe. Yeah. Like, let's just hey everyone. And if you see me out in an airport, you just hey me. And I'll laugh. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I don't believe in fake it till you make it. It's not a concept I've ever Yeah, me neither.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so notice how I didn't say, I want you to be like Elizabeth Holmes and go, hey, I can't even do it. How did she do it? I don't know. She was so like, she faked that low tone. No, I wanted you to find the lowest end of your natural tone. First is I don't believe in fake it till you make it. Second is I want you to sound like your most confident self. So if for you, that is, hey, cool girl. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Cool. I'm for it, right? Like I will, if that is you and that's how you go, I will take it. So I want you to feel like you, but I also want you to find your resonance point. It's called a maximum resonance point. That's speaking with, and this is for both dating and work, that speaking with this part of your voice that is open and full of power and volume and space and
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And don't we all want to operate that way? I think everyone is more themselves when they have space in their bodies, when they're taking up their space, when they have breath. And that translates to everything. It translates to my face. It makes my face more open. It makes my jaw more relaxed. It makes my shoulders more relaxed.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So what I'm kind of hoping is we're finding that part of you that's like, ooh, resonance. Like that's where presence comes from.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay, so I love this tip. So you say, hey, and it's like, hey, hey, cool. Then you want to use, again, I like a blueprint. I need specific words. groundwork, I don't like to guess. So here's your next step is a context cue. So a context cue is when you use a conversation starter that's something that you both share. If you don't know someone, you don't know what you share.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
The way you see the world changes the world.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So the one thing you can share is the context you're in, right? So that could be, how do you know the host? If you're at a party, right? It could be, how do you like the food? How do you like your wine? Oh, that coffee looks great. Wow, this is a tough class, right? So it's something in context because actually that's a secret me too moment. So this is the next effect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So we're fighting and dating. Signal amplification bias. More signals are better. You are not being obvious, right? You think you're being obvious. You're not. It takes 29 signals. You can count them in your head if you want, okay? So that's the first thing we're fighting.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Once we've managed that and we're really clear, the second thing we're trying to meet is a psychological effect called the similarity attraction effect, right? What this is, is that we like people who have similar values and motivations as us. What's important about this is every time we have a me too moment, like, oh, we have, what, what? We have that. It builds like a little string between us.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like I literally envision when I'm in conversation, like we're handing each other threads. I call it thread theory. Like we're handing each other threads. And the more threads that are back and forth, the more connected we are.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That's the visual I use. So what is the very first question I said to you when I met you outside was, you know, I think we have some friends in common.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If you want to be treated with more respect, you have to make sure it's... The number one health and wellness podcast.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Because I knew that that was a thread that we could be like, yes, we both love those people. And that made it just really easy. I didn't say like... How's the weather? Yeah. I didn't do that, right? So whatever you can do to create as many me too moments as possible, that could be raving about a mutual friend. That could be raving about how great this class is.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That could be, oh, the wine is so delicious or the wine is terrible, right? Like either one. So all your entire goal in this part of the conversation is me too moments. And your question should be geared towards that because here's where awkwardness happens, right? You're in a conversation and you have no goal. You're like, kind of like, what do you do? Where are you from?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And it's like these socially scripted dead-end conversation starters. So instead, I want your goal to be, I want them to say, me too. Or I want to say, me too. That's a great goal. That's it. And it's very low pressure because all you're doing, and then your questions have intention. If everything is on purpose, if everything is intention, then our questions are searching for similarities.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And this is the last step. And this is for dating, for friendship, even a little bit for work relationships as well. The last step is, can you find authentic reasons to like them? And I mean aggressively like them. I think that awkwardness, the reason I was so awkward for so long is I was asking the wrong questions and I didn't know what to listen for.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So the last, this study completely changed my life, changed the way I interact. I was never a cool kid. I was never popular. Don't believe it. No, no. It's true. It's true. I was like a triple major in college because I was just like, what can I do to distract myself? Like I ran for student council because it was the only position that was unopposed. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah, it was really cool.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So I found this study that looked at the cool kids in high school, and they examined thousands of kids across a variety of high schools, across a variety of grades, looking for patterns. Why are some kids more popular than others? And the hypothesis was maybe they're more athletic, maybe they're smarter, maybe they're more attractive, maybe they're more extroverted, maybe they're funnier, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Those are all the things I would think of, right? Yeah, makes sense. There were popular kids who were those things, but the only commonality across all the grades and all the schools was that the most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked. The most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Meaning they weren't going around all day trying to be funny, trying to be cool. They were going around trying to like as many people as possible.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
One of the variables was to everyone had to make a list of kids they liked. And the most popular kids had the longest lists. Meaning they were constantly thinking, I like that about you. I like that about you. This was like relief for me. Because it meant I don't have to show up as impressive or funny or extroverted or be good at sports because I'm not.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
All I have to do is aggressively like people. So if you want to be attractive, if you want to create bonds, friend-wise, romantic-wise, what I want you to be doing is you're asking these questions, looking for me-tos, and then you're thinking, how can I like this person more? Like, what could I ask? What could I find out that I can authentically be like, I like you? And then saying it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
like I cannot tell you my best friendships have started when I don't play it cool I do not believe in playing it cool it doesn't work I literally I'm like I like you will you be my friend yeah I'm like I have a six and a half year old and a two and a half year old daughter and I watch them on the playground and it's funny they're they're like this they literally will sit in the sandbox my daughter was like do you like trucks and the boy was like I like trucks
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And she was like, I like trucks too. I was like, me too moment. Good job, Claire. And then she was like, you want to be my friend? He was like, yeah. That's it. They're friends. And I was like, this is it. We actually knew how to do this as kids. It's what we used to do. And we've kind of, you know, we're too cool for it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh, do you?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Can we be friends, Jay? Yeah, I know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Also, like, I'm allergic to it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like, I don't do well with too cool people. Like, if you can't even show me your liking or you're kind of wanting to put a wall up, we're not going to be good friends because I love level three conversations. I like vulnerability. I like oversharing. So that's like a test also is like, I think we would be good friends. I like you. And if they're like, eh. I'm like, cool. Like, that's cool.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like, I would rather take the shot than miss it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so I think like, if you're listening, I think it's like, let's, if you like someone like show it, search for those me too moments. And then if you like them, well, first of all, search for reasons to like them. And if you like them, say it. That right there is like the best way to try to find your people. That's going to find them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
We all want to be complimented, but it makes us feel very uncomfortable, right? Like there's this weird compliment economics where it's like, please compliment me, but don't. It's weird, right? And it also, it creates an odd hierarchy a little bit where if you're complimenting someone, it separates you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And also you're putting them in the position of receiving something they might not be ready for, right? Especially, I believe, and if you're going to compliment someone, compliment them on something that you share.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Right? So be like, oh my gosh, I have those shoes. I love them too. Right? Are we twinsies? I mean, I guess men don't usually say twinsies, but like… I'm going to try it now that you said it. Try it. Please try it. Twinsies. Just like see how your male friends respond. They're going to be like, yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So I think that if you're going to compliment, compliment on a shared similarity, then you can kind of celebrate together. If you're complimenting someone one way, you're actually putting them farther away from you, not closer to you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
No, actually worse. Worse. If you were to say, oh, Vanessa, I like the color of your dress. And I do, by the way. Oh, thank you. I'd be like, I like your color too. Yeah, it's black. That's what happens is like you compliment someone on something and they're uncomfortable. So what I do is I'm like, I'm going to comment you back. And I feel so inauthentic. Right.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Because then I'm like, I don't know what to say. And by the way, if you're going to compliment someone, don't compliment the tall guy on being tall. Like don't compliment someone on the trait that they didn't even work on.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like compliment them on something they worked hard on.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Also, what do you do? Then you're like, I like your eyes too. Do you know what I mean?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Thanks. And then you're stuck.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay, so let's play this out. Let's go even deeper. Let's do it. So let's say that someone's doing that to you. Okay, so there's two sides of a conversation. All of my students are high achievers, very smart, a little awkward sometimes. Those are my people. So what happens is they work on their people skills. They're like, yeah, Vanessa, like I got it. I got the context.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Excuse me, I got my conversation started. I'm available, whether that's in work or at play. And then they're with someone who's doing that to them, right? You're with someone who's like, so where are you from? You have a lot of siblings? Okay, so here's how you break that social script. One is I want you to think of what are the three questions that you're asked most?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So I have the same questions I'm asked over and over again in social settings. And it's usually, what do you do? Where are you from? How did you get into that line of work? That's a big one, I get. Okay, so the biggest mistake you can make is you are bored by those answers and you show it. Oh, I'm from LA. Okay. It's like, right? It's like, yes, yes, I'm from LA, but it ends the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So I want you to think of what's a way that you could answer that question that gives a hook or a story or it's a funny moment and it is a bridge to you asking them something else back.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
How can you answer those questions that's going to slightly shift or transform the conversation and makes you more charismatic? So I even think like if someone were to ask you, how are you? You can answer it, oh, seven out of 10 today, right? Or like better on the inside than the outside, right? Like whatever it is, like just like break the script.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So if you break the script with something purposeful and you're like, okay, when someone asks me where I'm from and I say LA, I know I don't want to talk about LA. Yes, yes. Right? Oh, I've been to Austin. I love Austin. Oh, yeah, tell me about Austin. Do you like tacos? I like tacos too. Right? So, like, it weaves. And so, what are the three questions you get asked the most often?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And what are three answers that you can use to get you to more Me Too moments that authentically like them? The other thing you can do, my last, oh, when I'm like out, I've been trying and trying to steer is I will play verbal games. And I've actually never talked about this on a podcast before, but so we're going to see how this sounds. But I really do this, which is I love guessing games.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like I love them. So if someone's like, how many siblings do you have? I'll be like, guess. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And I am so curious what they say, right? Because then, first of all, people are like, what? Like, they're like surprised that I have to say guess. I'm like, guess. What do you think I am?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Four, okay. You missed the middle one. And so I have an older brother. I was going one, three, five. Like odd numbers. I have an older brother and three younger sisters. Wow. And so you can guess. And so that already makes it way more playful, right? It's always fun. Like if someone guesses I'm an only, I'm like, how dare you? How dare you? No, but then we talk about onlys.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And then I, instead of asking them back, I say, can I guess yours?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And like, sometimes I get it right. And by the way, that feels really good.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh gosh, I don't know. Oldest. No, I tell you what, don't answer. I just yelled, sorry. I get real serious. Okay, I'm leaving. I'm leaving the conversation. Youngest, youngest.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You're going to write the first time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
One younger sister. Okay, so I… So it's just like fun to play the game and then… Yeah, it is. You kind of like guess and then I can be like, oh, I didn't peg you. I was thinking oldest or youngest. So you could kind of have the back and forth that totally changes the dynamics of the conversation. Yeah. And so that's my last resort is you can play a game with them. I love that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I also love like if, I got this actually from Twitter and it totally works. If someone says they're from something, so where are you from? I'm from London. The Windy City. But I always say the Windy City.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It's not the Windy City. Isn't that like Seattle or something? I don't even know. I don't know. It's San Francisco. Chicago. Chicago or something like that. But you just like, you can make like funny responses back and then people, and you have a band. It just broke the script. Right. Like being a little playful in conversation also can create mutual moments because you'll find your person. Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Right. Like I try to be funny occasionally. And if you laugh at my jokes, we're going to be friends. If you don't laugh at my jokes, it's not going to go well.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah. I also think it's so much pressure to be interesting because what is interesting is different for different people. And so if you're trying to be interesting, it's worse than fake it till you make it. It's what do I have to do to perform for you? And I don't think interactions should be a performance. They should be intentional and you're building towards something, which is... Do I belong?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh, thank you for having me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Do I feel accepted by you? And this is like a question that I want everyone to ask themselves, especially when you think about those first impression words. Sometimes people who trigger you badly, it's because you don't feel safe. I don't mean necessarily physically safe. I mean emotionally safe, where there's topics that you're a little scared to bring up or
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Or there's things you walk on eggshells because you just don't know how that's going to go. And so the other test you have as you're doing this back and forth, you're getting to know them, is do I feel safe to share my real answer? Do I feel safe to answer something that's not on script? That's like not what everyone else would answer. Do I feel safe to not be interesting? Right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like if we have this pressure, we're ensuring it's a performance. If you're like, I'm just going to answer and like this may or may not like click with you, then that's the ultimate belonging, I think.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh, I got you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
This is called the art of a graceful exit. And it is a skill, you have to learn it because there is gonna be times where you're just not with your person and that's okay. Okay, so here's what you do, it's three steps. Okay, step number one is you begin to non-verbally signal that you want out, okay? So we kind of subconsciously pick up on these cues.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So first is you wanna point your toes towards the door. When we're aligned with someone, we typically angle our toes towards the person. When we're not into someone, we typically angle our body and our toes outwards. Funny anecdote here is we also tend to angle our toes towards the person we have a crush on or the most interesting person in the room.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So whenever I'm like at office parties, I can almost always decide the office crushes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I'm a recovering awkward person, and I have found that through this work, and that is my mission today with you, that you can overcome awkwardness, doubt, and most importantly, the feeling of being underestimated. I think that that's really what I'm trying to get at with my work is...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
fascinating because people will subconsciously even if they're in conversation they'll be pointing towards the person they like the most so when you move your toes towards the door it's just it subtly indicates that your body is angled outwards and then i also want you to make less eye contact right so that could be an overhead gaze i would never normally do this in a good conversation but you want to subtly signal to someone i need to break right i need to break off so then you're overhead gazing you're going to glance at the door or the bathroom and
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That is also another very small signal. Oh, I'm disengaged. Okay, so that's one is non-verbally signal. Second is you're going to use verbal cues. The thing that I want you to do is ask for future plans. When someone is in a conversation, they're very present. When I would like to go, I'll be like, what's your plan tomorrow? Yes. Got any big plans for the weekend?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Because wait, this is step number three. They're going to then answer, you know, what is their plan tomorrow? What does it mean for the weekend? They'll be like, well... Have so much fun tomorrow or this weekend. It was so great talking to you and I'll see you later. Three steps. The final step is just wish them well on those future plans. Thank them for the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Give them a handshake or a high five and then say, I'll see you later.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I'll come with you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And look, I am radically honest. There are times at parties where I will say to someone, you know, it's been so great speaking to you. I kind of want to make the rounds. There's some really cool people here. Can we chat later?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like that's okay too, right? If you feel comfortable with that. But the three steps works. It's like very seamless. And then there's one other nonverbal cue, which I'm going to teach you, that use sparingly. But nodding makes a difference with the amount that people speak. So research shows that a slow triple nod, one, two, three, makes the other person speak 67% longer. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So if you're in a conversation and you're going, you're literally telling them non-verbally, tell me more. Just keep on talking. So if you don't, so if you're in a good conversation and you like what they're saying, please use a triple nod. It's great. Like you do it a lot as an interviewer. I love it because then it makes me keep going.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
But if you're like, I don't want this person to keep talking, stop nodding. Stop nodding because you're subtly encouraging them. And then you could also try a fast triple nod. So a slow triple nod shows engagement. A fast triple nod shows I'm done. It's like this. So here's a good one. Versus. Right. It's like a subtle way of being like, got it. Wrap it up. I got it. I got it. So just like subtle.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You don't want to offend anyone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If you feel that you have a lot of potential or you have this desire to connect, but you don't know how, and people are underestimating your charisma, your ideas, your smarts, who you are, my goal is to make it so you no longer feel underestimated.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So this is a really important thing, is when we're talking about cues, there's a cycle. It goes decode, encode, internalize. So you are sending me cues. That is called encoding. So encoding is sending signals to someone else. You're sending me signals of warmth. Nodding is a warmth cue. Head tilting is a warmth cue, right? So that's warmth. So you encode me that signal. I decode it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Ah, he likes this answer. I internalize it. Keep talking. And so this cycle goes on and on. If someone is stoic or mute or they under signal, it kind of breaks that cycle and it isolates the other person. I work with a lot of leaders and they wonder why their team doesn't like open up to them or why they're seen as intimidating or cold. And it's because they are under signaling.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They're not sending enough warmth signals to make the other person feel like there's this connection. The other way that decoding and coding internalizing works is negative cues. So muting is one, it stops the cycle. Positive is the next where we're like, ah, this is going well. Negative is the other one. So there was a research study.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They wanted to know if how negative cues affect someone's physiology. So they devised a little experiment where they had a participant walk into a room of a bunch of other people and And they had someone in the room, a confederate, signal a sign of social rejection. So a social rejection cue is an eye roll. It's a scoff. It's like a lip purse.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They had them signal this towards this unsuspecting participant. And what they found was once the participant, the moment they spotted the social rejection cue, their own field of vision increased. Their pupils dilated. What happens when our pupils dilate is we can take in more of our environment, like literally their field of vision increased. Why?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If we see a cue of social rejection, our brain is like, uh-oh, is anyone else signaling social rejection? What did I do wrong? And where's my escape route? Meaning that if we spot a negative cue, it changes our body.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So if you're in an interview or on a date and you're like, I don't feel great about this, listen to that. Because that is your body language reading part of your mind that picked up on a negative cue that your brain doesn't like. It could have been a subtle cue of social rejection. It could have been a vocal cue change that you didn't notice. It could be a negative facial expression or gesture.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That's so strong. Those are my people.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So for example, in that study, they were doing social rejection cues, but they even found if someone flashes a fear micro expression at you, So they widen the whites of their eyes and like that, we catch the fear. Like our own amygdala begins to fire. And so if you feel uneasy with someone, listen to it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Because it means that your body has picked up on something that it did not like, that was a threat. And you should dig deeper into that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
The research shows that it takes 200 hours to become close friends with someone. So a soulmate or a partner, it's even more. That's a lot of hours. And we tend to make very big decisions about a relationship in the first six hours. Not enough. And so what you said was really important is first is I want you to get off script because
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Coffee shops, restaurants, those are very controlled environments. They've probably done those dates a lot. I want you to get off script. I want you to do what I call the car challenge, which is I want you to drive somewhere an hour away with them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah. So you've had three or four dates, right? And you're like, okay, what should I do?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah, you've got to feel safe. I feel safe, right? But you're like, is this clicking? Are we clicking? You might just be on script. It might be like, it's too vanilla. It's too the same. Or maybe you are picking up on something. So the road trip challenge is when you pick somewhere an hour away. That's a different activity. It could be hiking. It could be pickleball. It could be art class.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It could be a wine tasting. Anything that's not restaurant or coffee shop, normal things. You have an hour there, about an hour activity to activity and an hour back. You're going to find out in that setting how they drive or how they listen to you, how they stop, stop and get gas, stop and pick up some snacks. Like we're trying to see them in a lot of different environments.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
How do they treat people? How do they treat your space? You want to see them off script. That's the very first thing. Then you're going to be looking for what I call cues of inauthenticity. Cues of inauthenticity is when your verbal does not match your nonverbal. And this is what liars do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So we do a lot of lie detection at Science of People because I'm fascinated by what are the cues that humans do when they're not telling the truth. And all of the lie detection cues are when there's incongruence. It means someone is saying something, but they're not showing it. So nodding is a good example of this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So we've found we have a little game we play with people in our lab where we ask them two truths and a lie. Share two truths about yourself and one lie. Sometimes people will say yes, but shake their head no, or say no, but shake their head yes. That's an incongruence. And liars will often do this. So you'll ask, you know, so what do you think of the new girl? You know, she's great, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And they're shaking their head no, but they're saying yes. There's a hesitation there, but we don't even notice it. But once you start to look out for it, you'll start to see these incongruences a lot.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And also could be doubt, right? Like someone could not know if they like the girl or not. So they're kind of, yeah, kind of, sort of, right? By the way, India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, nodding is a little bit different. Oh, yeah. Very different. I know India for sure. Right. So I just like to make that note. So looking for incongruence. They're saying I'm happy, but they're not showing happy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like a fake smile, for example, is a real smile is when we reach all the way up into these upper cheek muscles. So when I'm smiling all the way, I get these crow's feet, right? If someone says to you, oh, I'm so happy for you. Their face is just dead on top, right? Or too much Botox, either one. That's getting harder. It's making my job harder. It's making my job harder.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And the problem is like, I also had these ideas, but I not only didn't have confidence, I felt out of control. I think this is an aspect of communication we don't talk about enough. I think the side door into confidence, because we all say, I wish I felt more confident. But the side door is thinking, okay, I have an idea.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That you know, uh-oh, there's not real happiness here. And this happens a lot in dating when you'll say your truth. You'll say your passion or your value or your love and they'll go, oh, that's nice. And they're giving you a fake smile. They're saying that's verbally okay. And your brain goes, uh-uh.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That's oftentimes your body has picked up on, ooh, they said it was good, but I didn't feel it was good. So you're looking for incongruent cues or clues that someone is not stating what they actually feel. And when you're off script, you see way more of them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You see way, way more of them. I also think there's some cues that we can't read. For example, we catch fear through smell. So I mentioned smell before. This is a study that completely blew my mind. They brought people into their lab. They sold them off into two different groups. They had them wear sweat suits, like suits that caught their sweat. The first group had to run on the treadmill.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
The second group skydived for the first time. They had two collections of sweat, right? They had treadmill sweat and fear sweat. Then they had unsuspecting participants in an fMRI machine smell These two sweat samples. I had no idea what they were smelling. Gross, right? I hope they paid them well. So gross. People who smelled the fear sweat caught the fear.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They smelled this random thing and their own amygdala began to light up. They began to feel afraid. So sometimes when you're with someone and you're like, I just feel so uneasy, there's also this unreadable aspect, but I want you to listen to it because our brains are so smart. They are working to protect us. And so if you're like, I feel off, that's your alarm bells.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So much.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh, it's coming. The setties are coming. I cannot wait for these olfactory laughs.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I'm into it. I'm into it. Like if someone runs by me, I'm like... I want to smell them. I think it's important.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So all these studies are based on natural body scent. In these studies, they make them wear a plain white t-shirt. They don't let them wear deodorant or anything like that. So it's natural smell. I actually think that sometimes too much cologne or perfume is like masking. Like, I don't know if you've ever been with someone where you're like, whoa, it's too much. I don't like it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I think in dating, actually, you should under-scent perfume.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
What's the blueprint that I need from conversations, from charisma to be able to get where I want? How can I take control of my connections, my relationship, my communication? So I know if I want to show up as friendly or as likable or as competent, I know exactly what to do with my body, my voice, my words to show up in that way.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Of course.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I also think like I look at people pleasing as our deep desire to be liked. Yeah. It is so safe for us to be liked. And so when I look at the research, so research from Princeton University found that as humans, we are trying to answer two basic questions about other human beings. Can I trust you? And can I rely on you? We are constantly trying to assess people's warmth and competence.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Warmth and competence makes up 82% of our judgments of people. 82%. And so warmth is actually what we're talking about here in that most people have an imbalance of warmth and competence. We're very high in warmth, maybe not as high in competence, or we're signaling a lot of warmth, but not signaling enough competence.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Highly warm folks, people who are off the charts in warmth, their primary desire is to be liked. Highly competent folks, this is a lot of my students, they want to be right and So a highly competent person, they're very at work. They want to be on agenda. They want to get it right. You know you're in a relationship with a highly competent person if they constantly Google fact check you, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They're less concerned about you liking them, but they just want to make sure they get the facts right. A highly warm person wants you to like them, which means they often sacrifice their credibility to be liked.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That is actually what people pleasing is, in my opinion. Right. I think people pleasing is someone who goes, I so want to be liked that I'm willing to throw my competence out the window just so that you like me. They're sacrificing the need to be liked for their need to be respected. Yeah. I say to people pleasers, what true communication is, is showcasing both.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You can be both liked and respected. You can be both friendly and credible. You can be assertive and also be nice. One of my most popular videos is A Nice Person's Guide to Being Assertive. Because you don't have to sacrifice one for the other.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so for my people pleasers, what I would say is your goal sure is to be liked, but it's also to make sure that people respect who you are and your values. So if you're having conversations with me too moments, what you're actually doing is, do you value that?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Do I value that? Great. We both value it. When it becomes inauthentic, when I think we get into even like manipulation is I don't like that and I'm going to pretend I do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
right, when someone has a fake me too moment, like I was just watching an episode of the Kardashians and they were interviewing someone in our job interview. This is the biggest problem in job interviews. And they asked him, do you use QuickBooks? And he was like, yeah. And they said, what do you use QuickBooks for? And he was like, Quick booking? Like he did not know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So for me, the only way I was able to overcome awkwardness was taking control of the signals I'm sending and being able to take control of the kinds of relationships and conversations I had.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And that was inauthentic because he wanted to be liked. He wanted to say he had it. He should have just said, no, I haven't, but I'm a fast learner. When I think people pleasers get into trouble is they pretend they like something that they don't. And that is manipulative, but also it doesn't serve you or them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Or you accidentally have lied.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And they pick up on your lie.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Right. So you're like, I love cats. Yeah. I love them. Now I'm allergic to cats, but if I'm like, I just love a cat and the other person's like, oh, and they got this signal in their body that was like, I don't, I don't know about this person, but actually it was because you were just trying to be likable. And I would much rather you say, you know what?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I love the idea of cats too, but I'm allergic. Right. And then everyone laughs and it's okay. Right. And if that's a deal breaker for them, wouldn't you rather know?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
In dating especially, I would rather you create allergies for the person. So my approach to dating, I have a couple of single friends, is I'm like, don't be liked by everyone. Don't have a profile or go on a first date and try to be the most liked person. In fact, if you have things that really matter to you, share them up front.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I had a friend who was trying to date and was having a lot of trouble. And I'm like, what are you putting in your profile about you? And it was the most vague, generic, like, I love... beaches. It's like, everybody likes a beach. Like everybody likes that. You know, she had all of that. And I said, get really specific, you know, like you love beaches, but what do you hate?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
She's like, I hate camping. I'm like, say it. Like why even go on a date with a guy who loves camping? That's not going to be you. And so I think that if you don't like something, if you're looking for me too moments and a not me too moment comes up, what an opportunity.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You have an opportunity to be super authentic and be maybe a little bit funny and still accept them for who they are, but realize, okay, we're not going to, we're not going to drive on that. And if that's a deal breaker for you, wouldn't you rather know it?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Some of my closest friends, we tease each other about our biggest differences. Like that becomes a beautiful friendship too. So I think that's where people pleasers get in trouble and they feel bad about themselves because then what happens in the end, they feel unliked. And like nothing's worse than feeling unlovable or unlikable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
This is why I like the car test is typically narcissists have a pattern. Narcissists blow you away with their charisma at first. You are just in awe. They know how to signal warmth and competence. They're finding me two moments. You're like, wow, I'm clicking. And their confidence is contagious. We love to be around highly confident people, which often narcissists are very confident.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
The step one of control is how do you want people to see you? And here's what's really important. The cues that you send to others make people think about you a certain way, but the cues you send to others also change how others treat you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So in that first hour, two, three hours, we're blown away. Then typically they go one of two ways. The first way is narcissists, if they don't get what they want, even a little bit, they go into victim mode. So there's a misunderstanding about narcissists, which is that they're always confident.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
When a narcissist doesn't get what they want or doesn't get what they feel they deserve, and listen for that word with narcissists, I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve something better. I'm worth more. Be very aware of those words. If they don't feel like they get what they deserve or they're not getting what they're worth, they become victims.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Listen for that victim language because narcissists will sometimes be very charismatic, but they're playing the victim card. And the victim card is really dangerous because then it's everyone else's fault. And then all of a sudden you're enabling it. You're like, well, I have to protect you. You're so charismatic.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And that's how they are manipulative with people is they play the victim card and you want to protect them. So be very careful of that dynamic because I think that we often are like, well, she's not a narcissist. She's suffering.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
She needs my help. That is often actually a narcissist is they're playing the victim because they want your help and that makes them feel good. That's one pattern. The second pattern is that narcissists can be high conflict people. A high conflict person is they're very charismatic and they blow you away with their charisma, but they create all these little disagreements, fights.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They create conflict around them and they step and they back up and they go, I don't know. I But they're constantly stirring or stoking conflict. Watch out for that. That's the other reason why those car trips, getting out of restaurants and coffee shops, is it's very easy to not have conflict in those very controlled settings.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
But if someone cuts you off on the road, or someone shortchanges you, or someone's late, you get to see, oh, wow, they play victim. Or they're creating conflict where there doesn't really need to be conflict. Then when they're brainstorming in the car, because there's something that happens when you're next to someone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I think they verbalize differently. Like, typically women like to dyad, have conversation like this, face to face. Men sometimes like to have conversations side by side. It's why they like talking at a bar. It's because they're side by side. They like talking on a walk or a hike. They like talking in a car.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So if you want to be treated with more respect, you have to make sure it starts with you, that you're sending the cues needed to show others how they should treat you with respect. If you want to be treated with friendliness or warmth or vulnerability, how do you signal to others, I want you to be open and raw and real with me?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So sometimes if you're next to someone and they're just driving or you're driving and they're listening, they'll say things they wouldn't normally say in a face-to-face diet. And you might hear, oh, that's interesting, those patterns. I didn't know that you felt that way about that thing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so you want to make sure that you're looking for those secret patterns of manipulators, not just the obvious ones.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
we can take control of those signals to tell others, here's how I want to be treated. And so step one is, how do you want people to see you? It's a little game, okay? So in your mind, when people first meet you, what word do you think they think? Like what's a word they use to describe you?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah. So I, like with friends, or even if business friends come into town, I always ask for a walk and talk. Always. And I never say, let's get coffee. I'm always like, let's get tacos.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like just to like break it up, break the script a little bit. And I do find there's something about walking and movement that also you have more breath. You're looking around. I have a secret feeling that when I walk and talk with someone, they're more creative.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They're like more open-minded. Like they go places that we could never have gotten. I swear we could have never gotten over a coffee.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
But when they're guessing, it's always interesting.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And also, let's get to the chemistry of this. When you give an exciting answer, or a different answer, you are creating dopamine. Now, dopamine does a lot of things in our bodies, but in conversation, dopamine is the chemical of motivation and excitement. So if I asked you a question or answered a question in a different way, I highlighted a new neural pathway. My brain went, ooh, something new.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And that dopamine does a couple things. One, it gets you excited. It makes you feel more positive. Two, Dr. John Medina found that dopamine makes you more memorable. So if you're in conversation and someone's gone on 50 first dates or like you're in a business meeting, especially in business, I say to people, create dopamine in the boardroom. You've got to make your presentation stand out.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
What do you think it is?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You've got to create dopamine in an interview. If you're pitching or with a lot of entrepreneurs, you've got to create dopamine in those investors because dopamine is what makes the brain go, oh, this person gave me pleasure. I want to remember them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Mm-hmm.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
When you trigger dopamine, people are more likely to remember your name, what you talked about, and what you care about. So if you want to be more memorable, the best thing you can do is try to create excitement moments for the both of you. Me Too moments are typically excitement. That's the secret motivation about why I want you to have Me Too moments. And then also sharing stories.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I kind of have like a story toolbox. I like keep all my favorite stories in a little note on my phone because I just like telling them, you know? And so like start collecting or cataloging stories because those are gifts for people. You tell a good story, someone's like, ah, they like love it. And then lastly is juice excitement.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Warm. Warm. Okay. So I've asked this to thousands of people and the words are, you know, all over the place. By the way, a lot of folks have negative words and that's okay. Like for example, my word used to be awkward, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So when we talk about conversation starters, I have a couple of favorites. So if you're going to stop asking, what do you do? Where are you from? I love context cues. The other thing you can do with people you already know, especially at work, is ask, working on anything exciting these days?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So like I had this problem where I would see people who I kind of knew, like friends of friends or like family members I don't see all the time. And I'd be like... how's life? Like, what do you do? So now I always ask, working on anything exciting these days, that is a dopamine gift for their brain. Because in their brain, then they have to go, oh, you broke their script.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Exciting, exciting, exciting. They're literally searching their brain for something exciting. When they find it, they go, oh yeah, you know, actually, and they tell you. So you're actually like juicing dopamine. You're borrowing it for another area of their life. And by the way, if they say no, What a great opportunity for vulnerability. Like I've asked it maybe one out of every 10 times.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I'll say, working on anything exciting or have anything exciting coming up? And they'll be like, And I'll be like, wow, what's going on? Tell me what's actually happening in your life. And we have skipped, how are you? Busy, good. If you ask someone, how are you? They're gonna be like, busy, good, good, busy. How about you? Yeah, a hundred percent. And so I'd rather like get past that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so asking that question is an unlock. So keep that one in your back pocket. It's my favorite.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I knew, you know, when you show up and I'm a social overthinker. So like I would get in my head about things. I would overthink things. And I knew I could see in their face that I was coming across as awkward and I was creating more awkwardness. So my original word for first impression was awkward. Okay. And that's what got me into this work.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So I just want to acknowledge it takes courage to break scripts.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I know scripts are comfortable. Like I know that the reason why we're like, how are you? Good. Is because it's safe. And so I want you to just acknowledge yourself. If you're thinking about asking these questions, like it does take some social courage, but it's worth it. And so, yeah, we got to harness like, okay, it might be uncomfortable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
you might, someone might not have a good answer to that or a good answer. I didn't say good answer. They might not have an exciting answer or they might be more vulnerable, but any answer is an opportunity for connection. Whatever they say, at least it's not a social script and your other options. So you can accept it with vulnerability. Oh my gosh, tell me, tell me what's, is it been hard?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
What's going on? Or you can have your own answer. So I've asked someone that question. They're like, Oh, and they kind of are thinking about it. And I go, well, while you're thinking about it, here's what's exciting with me. And then I take the ball.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Right. So conversation is like soccer, right? We're passing this ball back and forth or basketball. I don't really play sports. What's a sport you like basketball, rugby. I don't know. So like, like you pass the ball back and forth, but in basketball, you're supposed to dribble. Right. So like, I shouldn't do sports metaphors. I really shouldn't. I don't know anything about sports.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Basketball is the closest. Okay. It's going to be hard. Okay, so basketball back and forth. When I ask, doing anything exciting recently, I pass the ball to you. And then you're like holding the ball. And you're like, if you can't think of it, take the ball back.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Right, like just take it back from them. So they're like, okay. And they can listen, they can think. And that also works really well.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I also like, I just want to make a, like a push here. If someone's willing to be brave, which is we are more interesting and exciting when we do exciting, interesting things. This means getting off social media. This means not watching the show everyone else is watching. This means getting up and trying different things.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so I also like a little side, like just, I just want to like share what the world is like. May we all be always working on something a little exciting or a little interesting for ourselves. And if the side benefit is we have great conversations, great. When you become known for asking these questions, you also inspire others to do something a little bit courageous.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so for example, I have a friend that always, always, whenever we get together, he always asks, what are you learning? And the first time he asked me that question, I was like, I was like, I'm learning to survive with my kids. But now I know he's going to ask me that question. You know what? I'll be darned. I learn something every time before I see him.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So a lot of the words, I have two kind of groups of people. I have folks like you who are like warm, competent, charismatic, confident. I love it. I love it. But a lot of folks, and if this is you, I'm with you. I'm going to help. It could be quiet. It could be... awkward. It could be scared, nervous. There's a lot of words like that. Okay. So start there.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like I will go find something to learn. And you know what? That makes me better.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like he had the courage to ask me that question for the first time and me not have a good answer. And he rescued me. He talked about what he was learning. But now I am better for that question because I want to learn something every time I see him. And speaking of work, I noticed, so my team is all over the world. Yay. Science People team. We're all over the world.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And I noticed that we have a team call virtually on Tuesdays. I noticed that like the first five minutes of our call was like this like kind of small talk, like a little bit negative, kind of awkward. And so I thought, you know what? We're going to have a new routine that the moment we get on the call, we all share, tell me something good.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Mm-hmm.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so our team meeting always starts to tell me something good. We go around and everyone shares something good, something small, something big.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And not only does it make our team call so much more interesting because I learn the most interesting things about my team, but also one of my team members told me that Monday is her do something good day because she wants to have something good to share in the meeting. Yeah. So be the person known for it. Do an icebreaker in your team meetings.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I set out an icebreaker every Monday in my newsletter. Every Monday, I have a work-appropriate, somewhat exciting, kind of interesting icebreaker that's a gift to you. So be the person known for bringing those icebreakers. And people might grumble. It might roll their eyes. But you know what? Secretly, they like it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah, yeah. So like I always try to think of something that's like breaking a script but a little interesting. So like I think that this week was are you an introvert, ambivert, or extrovert? Got it. Very helpful, by the way. Like you should know in your friend group and your work team who is an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert because introverts – get energy from being alone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And especially at work, they are more creative alone. So the worst thing you can do to an introvert is have a brainstorm meeting where you don't tell them what you're brainstorming. So you bring them into the room and you're like, okay guys, let's brainstorm all the big ideas for next year. And they're like... They're trying to think in their head.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If you would just give them a little warning beforehand, they would come very prepared. So you should know who needs that warning time. Extroverts get energy from being with people. Now at work, how this shows up is if an extrovert has a good day, they want to celebrate with people. They want to hop on a call. They want to pop by your office. They want to chit-chat your ear off. Good to know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If they have a bad day, they also want to call you, chit-chat, or stop by your office. And so you need to know who's their person. It shouldn't be an introvert. And so this is like pair the extroverts together, right? Like I have a be wonderful sales team and they are my extroverts and I'm not an extrovert. I'm an ambivert.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so they have a Slack channel that I don't even know how to log into Slack. I cannot, I cannot Slack. I don't know if it's a verb or it's a noun, but I can't do it, but they love it. And they're all extroverts together. And so I'm like, go be extroverts, my salespeople. Yes. So you should be very purposeful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So that question and what my readers have told me is it's sparking these conversations of like, how can I serve you?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like you're an introvert. So if you're having a bad day, do you want space? Like introverts, if you give them bad news and then you're like, any questions? Want to talk it through? They're like, no. So the best thing is like give them the bad news and be like, why don't you take a day or two? We'll regroup on Thursday.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So like just the way that we communicate, if we just talk about it, we're honoring everyone. We're serving everyone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Then the question is, what do you want people to think when they first meet you? What's the word that you wish, maybe even two or three words, how do you want to come across? So would yours ideal be warm? And do you have another one that you wish? I'd probably add loving.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
What's the difference? Okay, so 80% of people are ambiverts. So it's actually most people. Very few people are true introverts and true extroverts. We don't talk about ambiversion enough. Ambiversion is a superpower. Ambiversion means that around the right people, you get energy and around the wrong people, you lose energy. I'm in. Yeah. And around the right situations, you get energy. Okay.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So if you're an ambivert, it also means ambiverts are able to dial up. This is why oftentimes ambiverts are mistaken as like outgoing introverts or like social introverts, which is you can dial, right? Like you can dial for two hours, but like if I go to a happy hour and people I was like, what are you talking about awkward? They don't know that I spent two hours flat on my back in the hotel room.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You know what I mean? Like they don't see the recharge process because ambiverts have this power. We can dial up and we can mirror and match. Ambiverts are usually highly empathetic. We are chameleons. We are social chameleons. So ambiverts have this amazing skill where they can dial up to match an extrovert energy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They can be the life of the party if they want to, but they also can have these beautiful, quiet introvert conversations, but they need a lot of recharge time in between.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so I say it's a superpower and you just know how to, what charges your social battery more or less. I will say for ambiverts, our biggest struggle is ambivalence. Extroverts can like everyone. They can find something good about everyone. Even with a person who is meh, they can still get energy because they are fun.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I have a friend who is dating right now and she always says, you know, I never know on a date if, if we're having fun or I'm just fun. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yes. He'll make any situation. And extroverts struggle with this. She really struggles. She's like, I don't know which one it is. Yeah. So that's extrovert. Ambiverts and introverts know who their toxic people are. They are like, if I'm not a heck yes, I'm not going. But ambiverts, we tend to be more people pleasing where we'll be like, do I like that person? Do they like me?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
We often have people on our calendar where we look at it and we're like, we tend to have friends out of habit. Like they've just been friends for like a long time. And we like default to the friendship, but actually the friendship, we're not like getting a lot of energy. We're not giving or getting a lot of energy. So it's really important for ambiverts that this is you listening.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Don't be ambivalent about your relationships. Ambivalent relationships actually take way more out of you than toxic relationships. When you look at your calendar and you see precious social time being given to someone who's like, meh, you come back a little drained. You come back a little more tired. It makes you not believe in relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so I would rather you feel heck yes about someone than ambivalent. And that's a curse of ambiverts. The only curse of our kryptonite to our superpower is we can sometimes let a relationship go that really shouldn't be. As in you allow for it to continue. Yeah. Because you don't know how to stop it and you don't want to hurt their feelings.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And you wouldn't know how to have a friendship breakup anyway. And you also, I think that sometimes ambiverts aren't sure what's fun. This is like the weird, I don't know if this is me. Like I'm, I don't know if this is just a woman thing or not. I don't know if you have this. Sometimes I do things and I'm like, am I having fun?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I don't know if it's my age or, but I will do things that I've done before. And I wonder like, is this fun? Was Netflix at home better? I don't know. I think it's an ambivert thing. That's something that I've been sort of wrestling with of like, Sometimes I don't even know what fun is.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
97 cues. With the very beginning of my career, I realized that humans were sending me social signals. Back and forth. Your nodding, your hand gesture, your feet, your voice power. And I just miss them all. I have an affliction. I tend to misinterpret neutral faces as negative.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Of course. And that's magic. And so I think that like, I'm having a personal struggle with this right now where I have some beautiful friendships, but sometimes I'm having conversation and I'm wondering if we're getting anywhere. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Which is, I feel bad. I'm like, I don't want to be productive in a friendship, but like, I want to like, like figure each other out or like, let's be laughing or I, and so sometimes I'm like, where are we going?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And I don't know what that is, but it's been a little bit of a challenge and I'm also a working mom. And so I think sometimes I, there's less me too moments.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Sometimes, unless you're also a working mom and then I feel lonely. Yeah. So I think this is a work in progress.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
A lot of people do. A lot of people do. It's the basis of resting bothered face. Yeah. This is the basis. There's actually science behind RBF. And it's that most people misidentify neutral expressions as negative. And by the way, an interesting thing they found in the research with this was if you are an angrier person, if you tend to get angry more, you see more neutral faces as angry.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yes. So I think that's like the challenge of modern friendship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I also think it's the challenge of dating right now. Do you date someone who is exactly your same? No. Or do you date someone where you have shared values, but you're very different?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And I think that's a real challenge in friendship too. And I don't know the answer.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I think that also brings up a point of like, I think that we should be, one of my favorite emotions that we don't talk about enough is awe.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If you respect someone else's value, like hopefully you could even be awed by it. Like I have friends who have an incredible work ethic. I don't work that hard. I work, but I do a lot with my family. I spend a lot of time mommying. Most of my time in the week, I only spend about 15 hours a week working. The rest of my work is mommying. But I so respect my friends who just, they just kill it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They're always working. And there's a little bit of awe there. wow, like you're just killing it. And so I think that like, it's who can create awe for you where they're so kind that you're awed by them. They're so driven that you're awed by them. They're so warm that you're awed by them. And so I think that like, that's a good way to think of it is it's not the same.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It's that you respect them enough and you have some me too moments, of course, but like you can have a little bit of awe in all your relationships. Even like in my marriage, I do conversations with my husband all the time. And, um, one of the ones we did recently, it was in my newsletter, which is who is your role model, which is different than who is your hero.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like hero is like more of like, like idolizing them. Whereas like a role model is someone that you maybe aspire to be like, and he said me, I was like, what, why? And he was like, you know, you just, you're, you're, you're you. And I love that about you. And I was like, wow, like this, it's so important that we're odd by our partners. Um,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so when you're dating, I think a good little litmus test for yourself is, am I inspired by this person? Like, am I in awe of who they are or what they do or what they believe? Because if the answer is yes, that's a keeper. Like, that's a keeper. It's more important than a checklist. All my ladies listening, I know we love a checklist, but those checklists don't always serve us.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Ooh, I didn't even think about that. So in a way, the way you see the world changes the world, right? Like if you were an angry person and you're misinterpreting neutral faces as angry, and then you reply back with anger or offensiveness or defensiveness, you make them angry.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah. I think like maybe like lovingly burn the checklist.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
With like a scented candle. Like burn it because I don't think it's serving you. And then just go out and just, you know, find your person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So women are actually facing two challenges in the workplace today. One is exactly what you said, that we can be seen as bossy or dominant when we're actually just stating our point of view. Assertiveness is bossiness. But on the other hand, we're also struggling with being too likable, being interrupted, being underestimated, being too soft, etc.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so we actually have two sides that we're trying to win. We have this very narrow valley we're allowed to operate in, right? Can't be too friendly, can't be too smiling, can't be too likable because we won't be taken seriously. Oh, but can't be too assertive, can't be too dominant or else we'll be seen as bossy. So we have this super narrow lane with which we can operate in.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So what I think is really, really important is focusing on the two traits that matter. These are the only two traits that matter, which are warmth and competence. When we are with someone whose signals, you can trust me, you can like me, I am open to you, and you can rely on me, I'm productive, I'm capable, those are in that valley.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And they are the most important signals that you can have in anything, video calls, Slack, your LinkedIn profile. And so I wanted, this is a really weird challenge I want you to start with. We have the power of AI now. This is a new thing that has just come up. I want you to open up your favorite AI tool, and I want you to do two things. I want you to copy and paste your LinkedIn profile.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so this is like this weird cue cycle. Okay, so if there's 97 different cues, I started categorizing them because I was like, I don't, I'm misinterpreting. And I would say to my husband, I think she's mad at me. And he'd be like, why? I'd go to a party, I'd be like, everyone's mad at me. And he'd be like, I didn't see that at all.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I want you to put it in AI and ask AI, how warm and competent am I? What's incredible is the warmth and competence research that came out of Princeton, which was done by Dr. Susan Fisk. It was done in 2002 and it's been replicated. It's a very solid piece of research. AI models are trained in it. They know about warmth and competence. So put it in AI, ask, how am I coming across warm or competent?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
AI will tell you based on the words you use. Then ask it, make it more warm and competent and just see what they change. Then what I want you to do is take five important emails that you've recently sent. What we don't realize is our cues are changing the way people treat us.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So the types of words you use in your emails are changing people's perception of your bossiness or I would say over-friendliness. Take five emails you spent some time crafting, put them into AI and ask AI, how warm am I? How competent am I? How could I have done better? We can use AI as a charisma coach. And it is incredibly helpful to see, are you leaking?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
This person is highly warm and they're not taken seriously. This person is highly warm and they're getting pushback on their salary range. This person is highly warm and they are not being seen as credible in their interviews. I can look at your emails and I can tell you what professional challenges you're facing and so can you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Highly competent folks, on the other hand, they under exclaim, they don't use a lot of emojis, and they love data, percents, numbers, and figures. They love those. In fact, for a highly competent person, it's physically painful to use an exclamation point. Yeah. Oh, but it's not credible. But you know what? That means you're under signaling warmth.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It means if you are too formal, too sterile in your communications, that could be the reason that people are like, oh, she doesn't give me a good feeling. I can't connect to her. She's too dominant. And this comes directly from the research. And this is a quote. I don't remember quotes often, but this quote struck me so deeply. Competence without warmth leaves us feeling suspicious.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And that's when I started to realize, okay, what are the actual negative faces? So I discovered, you know, the research on microexpressions, the seven microexpressions, which we can talk about. And then I started to categorize these patterns just for me. And then I realized there was all these other awkward people who also wanted to be able to read these social signals.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
This is the curse of highly smart women. Highly smart women are in the workplace and they have great ideas. They have super high competence and they rely on their smarts. They're like, my ideas are so strong. My prep, my presentations, I know my stuff. I don't need the warmth. My ideas are so good. They'll live on their own. But the research shows it doesn't matter how smart you are.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
It doesn't matter how good your ideas are. It doesn't matter how well prepared you are. I'm sorry. If you do not showcase it with warmth, people are suspicious of you. Oh, that's so good. And so we have to be able to balance out our competence with our warmth, those ideas with the lubricant of warmth.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Men have the same problem. I think that women's valley is just smaller.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
We just have a very narrow way to be. And like even sometimes like I do a lot of interviews and I'm on, you know, social media a lot. Even in my grid on Instagram, I am trying to balance this very narrow lane of warmth and competence. It's why I think so many like women, we feel like we have to share like our breakfast.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
We feel like we have to share because we're like, I don't want to be too competent. I don't want to be too smart on that side. And so we also, we compensate or try to balance in the wrong ways. And so I would much rather you take control of your interactions, right? We talk about control. That's the way we do it is we know, okay, there's 97 cues. Here's warm ones. Here's competent ones.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I'm going to choose my recipe, right? Like I look different than other women because I don't want to use all the same cues, but I need to find what's the recipe that I feel the most comfortable with. What's the flavor of charisma that I like the most that makes me feel like myself, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That's it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Yeah. And I look sometimes in my comments, I try not to read comments, but sometimes my comments, people say, you know, just show up as yourself. You know, this is, this is manipulative. This is engineering. And I'm like, yeah, because if you are lucky enough that you can show up and just be charismatic and win friends, amazing. I am so happy for you. But most of us don't have that privilege.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so I think that when you pick your word, starting to make your recipe of charisma,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like I do not. And so I think that, yeah, it is a little bit engineered in the sense of if you feel competent and you feel warm, you should know how to showcase that. I often felt warm and felt competent, but had no idea how to show it. And so I think that there is a rare bird of magic people and they are amazing and we can learn from them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
But for most of us, it's just dialing up our natural warmth and competence and just knowing how to show it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh, yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
This is my greatest fear, by the way.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Like before I came out with cues, especially, I had like a life crisis because I started writing the book and I was like, oh no, like this could be used for evil. Yeah. And I had a whole thing with my publisher where I was like, I don't know if I should publish this. These are tools that people could use for bad. And she was like, yeah, but they could also be used for good.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so I sat with my team and I talked to them about it and we decided to move forward with it, obviously. And it's changed so many people, but that is my biggest fear. is that people will use this for bad, not good.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And so it's really important, I think, for everyone listening that if you have the intention to build friendships and to find your people and to be warm, that's why we started off with that word. Whatever word it is, great. Like that is your intention and that is only searching for good. And that should always be our intention.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And we're underestimated. Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That's it. And not everyone is going to be your flavor.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
You don't have to let everyone like you. In fact, it's impossible. So I would rather you go into conversation finding your people, the people who like your weirdness, the people who like your awkwardness, the people who truly value what you value, and everyone else, wish them well. But life is too short to spend time with people that we're ambivalent about.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Life is too short to not say, hey, it's too short. Yeah, absolutely.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
And congruent with me. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
I'm not going to overthink this. Great.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Don't say yes to everything.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Just be yourself. It doesn't help me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
When people would say that to me, what if you don't like yourself? I had a long time where I didn't like myself. So when someone said be yourself, that was like the worst way to be. And so I had to figure out something else. And so I think that that was the worst advice because it actually didn't help me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
What we're losing is freedom. because they're so narrow, those apps. It's like, how do you look? Okay. Now what are these five questions that are on your profile? How did you answer them? Oh, now we're going to text in this very weird, limited way back and forth. And so we lack the freedom to be like, so like, what brings you here to this gym? Oh, you come here a lot.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh, I saw you with your friend. Like we need more freedom to find our people. I don't dislike dating apps because I think they've created a number of beautiful friendships. But what I think that is really important is you don't use them as your only vehicle for dating. Make them be one vehicle.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
But then if you're dating and you're really serious about finding your person, make it your part-time job and go to the places where your person would be. So one of my friends is also dating and she's a dog. And I was like, sure, do the apps one, you know, 30 minutes a day at the most. Otherwise, I want you to go to every dog park within a mile of you every day after work. And just look around.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Talk to everyone. Talk to men. Talk to women. And just start talking to the people at those dog parks. You know why? They live within a mile of you. They are dog owners. And you can see them with their dog. And she was like, oh. And I was like, that's your part-time job. So just make sure that dating apps aren't your only way.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That you're going to the places where they might be and you're spending more time there than on the app.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay. So this is good. Let's add a step to our exercise, which is, I'm just thinking about this now. What's your bad day first impression word? Okay.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Not yet. Not yet. Okay. But that's cool. I should text her.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Oh, no. So actually, here's how we do it. Powerful people pause more. Pausing is a signal to someone that you're not rushed. So one, if someone else has paused, you have made them comfortable enough where they don't feel like they have to rush with you. gift. If you are pausing, you are giving space to say, I'm okay for just this second to pause. And so pausing shows you're doing something right.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
No more fake smiles. If you like it, like it. Heck yes, like it. If you don't like it, don't pretend. We would be so much better off with no fake smiles because we would actually know what people like and don't like.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If you nod at someone and you end up that they're your soulmate and you come to Austin, Texas, I will marry you. Okay, like let's create some soulmates. Let's make some on purpose babies. I love that. I will marry you. If you hate someone and they hate you back-
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay, so everyone should think about their bad first impression word, their current first impression word, and their ideal. Why? What are the triggers that trigger you to be in that bad space? And what are the triggers that make you feel in that good space? So one of the very first steps is, okay, whether you're an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert, and there is that sort of in-between,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Who triggers you to be your best self? You know how like around certain people you're like, ah, I'm my funniest. I'm my most charismatic. Great. Those are the people who bring out the good first impression. You want to be around those people as much as possible. Who are the people who bring out the bad first impression?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Who are the people who make you feel, the way I would describe it is like tight inside. Like that's how I would describe it. Rigid, like that's what I do. I get very rigid when I'm afraid or nervous. Who makes you feel angry? Who makes you feel rigid? Who makes you feel afraid? Who makes you shut down? You know, awkwardness dresses up in a lot of different ways.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Some people, their awkwardness is shutting down, right? They mute, they go quiet, they collapse in on themselves. They take up less space from a body language perspective, but other people get bigger and They become dramatic. They name drop. They talk too loud. They over talk. Like that's also a way that our awkwardness dress up. So what are your triggers that make you do that?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
The people, but also the places.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Right? Like I love a one-on-one conversation. So I'm, I was more excited for this conversation than I would be like, if you were to say, Vanessa, come over to my house for a happy hour.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay, great. Cause I'm not. coming. I can't come. Or if I come, I would be like agonizing the whole time. Like a rooftop bar, you know, a loud nightclub, just like not my space. Like it just triggers all the bad stuff in me. So I think that like knowing who and what is going to also set you up for success into getting to the better, taking control, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
If you can control the people in the places where you want to show up your best self, that's like step number one. That's the groundwork.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Okay. I'm going to give you news that you're probably not going to like, but it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied, that we tend to think we are over obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar, they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub setting.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues, the other person has no idea. Yeah. That's so good. They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
They found in 10 minutes, how many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested? In 10 minutes, how many signals did she have to send?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
But do you know how many signals that is in 10 minutes?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
That is what women think is what's needed. I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested. No, he didn't see him. Or he doubted himself. Or he was like, was that a trick of my eye? Yeah. It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh, she's interested. Just interested. That was before even the conversation started.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most important is in the same group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness, got approached less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough. Fascinating. So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
So what they found, and this is so, it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that sometimes I think we use attractiveness as an excuse. I'm not pretty enough or I'm not this enough. No, actually some unattractive women who signaled availability got approached more. Wow. And so availability actually makes you more attractive.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
When you think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how you smell, all those things are great, but they will not work if you do not know the body language signals of availability. And you have to be super clear with them. So the very first one are... Flirty glances. Are you going to demonstrate? I mean, yeah, I'm going to demo it for you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Mm-hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Why?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Mm-hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Mm-hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
A lot of people do this on dates, and it drives me crazy. Look, watch this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So this is a universal get ready cue. If you are about to share something really, really good to your team, you want to go like this. Guys, I got something good today. Okay. You would like it. You would like it if we were in a team meeting.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? It's a universal cue of warming up.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
A really bad first impression?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so bad is taking up as little space as possible.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? No space between our arms and our torso. No space between our shoulders and our earlobes. The second thing is hidden hands. So hands in pockets, hand to the table, hands not in shot. We like to see hands, especially right away. It makes us feel in tension, right? We know what's going to happen. So I'm like, hi, good to see you. I put my hands, a lot of my hands are in my profile pictures.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's a bad one is hidden hands. And the last one is avoidant gaze. We really do like to make eye contact within the first few seconds of meeting someone. It makes us feel like someone's avoiding that oxytocin. It gives us a chemical burst of trust. They even, you know, how you'll do nose spray is full of oxytocin and it immediately makes them share more, open more, connect more. Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So we want direct eye contact, visible hands, and a broad body. I call it the triple threat, by the way.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's the triple threat.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so first easiest one is you're always angled towards me. I'm so grateful that you don't have us angled at a V. So many podcasts I do are like that, and it is very hard to connect with someone when they're like that. So you're already laying the groundwork of being aligned. In your office right now, if you work in an office, move your chairs so they're not at an angle towards you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
They're right at you. That's already going to set you up for success because I know we're on the same page even if you're looking at something else. Then you want to think about 60% eye contact. It's very specific. In Western cultures, they find that the ideal, the sweet spot for oxytocin is 60 to 70%. Some East Asian cultures, it's less eye contact, so that's okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But if you can hit that 60%, that's not 100%. Especially when I'm making an important point, like you'll often be doing notes and you'll look up at me when I'm making an important point. That's all I need to know I got this. Keep going. And then really powerful people make eye contact at the end of their point. So you could be talking like this, explaining this, remembering something.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But let me tell you, at the very end of my point, that's when it matters.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And I think you actually do that pretty naturally. I don't know if you realize you're doing it. But if you're in a meeting or presenting or you're an interviewer, that's actually what matters more is that at the end of your sentence, you're sealing it with that eye contact.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes, and that actually is good. It shows me that you're processing. We know as humans that I cannot do complex math problems while making eye contact.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
We can't do it. And so actually it makes you look very thoughtful and pensive for the 40% you're not looking at me when you're gathering. That actually – leaders do that because they're showing I'm authentically coming up with the answer. It would be very weird if you were delivering 100% with 100% eye contact because I would feel like it was scripted.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's one of the reasons why I think presenters make this problem. And whenever I watch like Shark Tank or Dragon's Den, a big mistake they make is they're so rehearsed, they don't break eye contact. And it gives you sort of a robotic feeling. So if you're practicing a presentation, you actually want to have a little bit of like ad lib in there.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
You want to be processing around because it shows you're authentically grabbing the information and that shows competence. Right. Right? Highly competent people, they don't need a script because they know their stuff so well. They can just grab it out for you. They can think on the spot. Low competent people are memorized.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That is why like the TED Talks that we like the best, the pictures we like the best, they're basically having a really smart conversation with you and you like it. So I like that you're gathering away from me, that you're thinking of a question. The worst interviews I have is where someone is just beating me with questions and not thinking about it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so gestures, eye contact. It's okay to make only 60% eye contact. That's the triple threat. The other thing in a first impression that I really like is breaking the script, right? I think in a first impression, it's okay to be like, hey, good morning.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But when we do the how are you, good, how are you, good, how are you, good, how are you, and you get like that horrible like loop, I'm going to challenge everyone to try to break the script with how are you. So when someone asks how are you, don't say good. Don't say busy but good. Try to answer with like a little bit of humor if you can.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Now, I'm not funny, so we should take this advice with a grain of salt. You are funny. But I'm not that funny. But there's a couple things you can do. So one is you can answer with a number. So like, you laughed. I didn't even do it yet and you already laughed.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Most people say seven. I was going to say seven.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? So if you're like, someone's like, how are you? And you're like, seven on a 10 scale. Right? Like it just, it breaks the script a little bit. I also love when you say what you're wrestling with. So I might be like, just been fighting my inbox all day, but a good 10 out of 10.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like, sometimes it's good to give, like, a little bit of context of, like, what you've been dealing with for the day. Or if you know that you look a mess, you can be like, better on the inside than the outside.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? Like, something that just gets people thinking a little bit, it kind of breaks the script and it makes for a very nice first impression.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And break the script.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Break the script. So like, I'd rather you take a little bit of a risk and have some conversational courage to not do the script, right? Because then you're going to make a way better first impression. And that also means not asking, how are you? But instead being like, what's good? It's like when I start a conversation, like anytime, I try never to ask, how are you? I try to say, what's good?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Anything good today? It's a very subtle, subtle change on that. And it makes people think for a second in a good way. Oh, yeah, what's good? And it totally changes the nature of the conversation.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I like that one a lot. I would prefer, what have you been looking forward to? Are you looking forward to anything in your life?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yeah, it's juicing excitement. So like I think our job, if you want to really be a master communicator, is you are gifting good chemicals. You know that phrase like lead people better than you found them?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I take that quite literally. I think master communicators are literally gifting beautiful chemicals to the other person. They're making people feel super full of dopamine. Dopamine is like very simplified. Excitement, motivation, energy. They're gifting testosterone. You feel capable. You feel smart. Wow, you're good at what you do. And you leave feeling like, I'm so good.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
This is for men and women. You're gifting serotonin, calm, belonging. You got this. You can be yourself with me. I give you permission to be yourself. I love you for who you are. I think one of the reasons why people often verbal vomit on me, like they tell me everything about their lives. I think it's because I'm like trying to gift them serotonin.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I want them to feel like they can be absolutely themselves and I accept them for exactly who they are. So serotonin, dopamine, and testosterone, if we can gift those out, I call it like the chemical cocktail. Like that's the cocktail I want to give to everyone in my conversation and that's what master communicators are doing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Thank you for having me back.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so you break the script by just waking me up, right? Like, this is going to be different. Then you ask, what have you been looking forward to? Like, if you ask me what's been front of mind, I'm going to probably give you a negative answer, to be quite honest with you. Do you usually get negative answers to that question?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Oh my gosh, your folks are so kind. Can I just say, since the last interview, the incredible people have reached out and just been supportive and kind. They ask amazing questions and so I'm just so grateful. So I've been really good.
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Yeah, and I would argue like you would be more engaged if you got an exciting answer even in this setting. So you're bored. They're bored. So one, if you're like looking forward to anything, got any fun plans coming up, those are all like gifting little bits of dopamine. Then capitalizing on any moment that I call it a me too moment. I have this theory. It's called thread theory.
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And it's this idea that in conversation – Mm. Mm. Like chemically. And that makes me feel serotonin. It makes me feel calm, belonging. I can be myself. So anytime in a conversation that someone says anything that you agree with or you feel like I have that too, you want to capitalize and be like, thread, me too. How do you stop it?
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Okay, so there's a big difference between how you said it and how I said it. Okay, so I say, I just got a Cybertruck. Oh yeah, join the club.
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You're so demure.
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I would have liked it.
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I like weird people.
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Okay, so if you've made a good first impression, you are set up for success. It's great. If you're making a second impression because you weren't sure how the last one went, right? Or you want to kind of build on it further, your best bet is to show them how much they were on your mind, right? And everyone's number one worry in this world is, did I leave an impression? Am I memorable?
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That's what we want to know. So the very first thing you want to assure them is, oh, I loved our last meeting. I've been looking so forward to this lunch. Right? So can you assure them that you're so happy to see them, talk to them, hear from them, say anything on the phone? Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you called.
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Like that warmth of you were right to call, you were right to text, you were right to show up, right? Like if someone texts me, of course, like not if I'm texting someone all day long, but if someone texts me and I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you texted. I will literally say that. I was just thinking of you, right? Like, oh, I'm so glad you reached out. I always love our conversations.
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Like that immediate you're good here is serotonin. That's that belonging feeling of like you're already safe. You're letting someone be themselves right off the bat.
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Yes. Okay, so first can we talk about just like dating apps? Yes, sure. Okay, so they've actually done research on this. You are better off opening with a unique word or phrase than just hi, hello, how are you? So like howdy. If you're in Texas, even if you're not in Texas, howdy, aloha. What's good? Anything that's not that hi or hello is a little bit different. It's going to make you stand out.
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I'm a recovering awkward person, and I help other awkward folks learn how to communicate. I have books and courses, and I love helping very, very smart people share their ideas better.
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Hey? Nope. You're defeating the spirit of the study here.
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Like not a hey, not a hi, not a what's up, not a how are you.
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But like can you have like a signature phrase or like a… Bingo.
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I would take it.
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Bingo. I'm in your inbox. They studied this and they found that there's so much noise. There's so much noise that if you can be the red apple. So this is a story. I used to be a camp counselor when I was younger. That's how I made money. And I noticed this phenomenon during break where I would bring always a basket of fruit for break. And usually it was all red apples or all green apples.
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And I noticed if I had a basket of green apples and one red apple, every single camper had to have that red apple. But I would ask them, do you like the red apple better? And they'd be like, no, I just want that one because it's the only one. And I've never forgotten that in that I think that really special people, master communicators, are the red apple. They're not oranges.
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They're still fitting in with everyone, but they're just like a little bit different. And that's, I think, how it should be both in business and also in romance is can you be a red apple where you're still the same? You're not like wacko crazy, but you're like a little different than everyone else. So like a bingo.
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or a howdy, or an aloha, or a shalom, or whatever it is, I think that it makes you stand out just enough where you have that kind of peak effect. The peak effect is like you peaked someone's curiosity a little bit, and that that really works. That's why marketing campaigns that are a little different, they always work better.
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Oh, all of it. All of it. Slack, text, email, online, in person, on the phone. We can talk about vocal power, video power. You are communicating all the time, even if you don't realize it. And that's the hidden opportunity.
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Okay, so in Zoom and professional environments, please turn your camera on. Yep. please turn your camera on. This sounds obvious, but more and more people are turning their camera off, especially if you have back-to-back meetings. But if you can have your camera on just for the first few seconds, it is a game changer for people's perception of you.
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So one is make sure that you are not accidentally negative. Here's how this happens. Can you see me? Can you hear me? Oh, oh, hi. A lot of Zoom impressions happen where someone is caught off guard or they're in the middle of like, can you see me? Can you hear me? And they're fixing themselves. And then they make a first impression. No, your first impression already happened.
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It happened the moment your camera turned on. Remember your first impression on video happens the moment someone first sees you, not when you start talking. So your first impression is usually, hey, morning.
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I always, I always give a wave or a hi. I make sure my camera is at least three feet away from my nose. Like I literally have measuring tape to make sure I'm not too close. I make sure that my body is angled towards the camera. And then usually I have a question ready. And here's why.
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In person, it's so much easier to make conversations, especially around context or like, oh, you know, how was it easy getting here? I loved your cyber truck. Very hard on Zoom. And so what happens is you get on and you go, hi, hi, hi. Weather good where you are? It's like, it's so awkward. Be ready. Be ready with an anecdote or a question. I like an anecdote.
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So if you've done anything good, interesting, seen anything good or interesting, I want you to be ready to share it. It sounds like this. hey, morning. Oh my gosh, I just discovered the best breakfast taco in Austin. Best breakfast taco in Austin. Have you ever had a breakfast taco? Whatever. But like I was ready to go with that anecdote.
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I think that that's how we should pre-start all of our radio calls is like some small anecdote or story. And that also helps in conversation. Like I believe everyone should have a story toolbox. So in conversation, there are certain topics that will always come up. Weather, traffic, and where you're from. So here's my challenge. This is what master communicators do.
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Whenever those three topics come up, I want you to have one story about each of them. It could be a trivia, it could be a story, it could be a fact, that you're ready to go to shift the conversation away from boring weather to something really interesting. When someone asks, where are you from? You should say, oh, I'm from Los Angeles. Interesting fact, interesting story.
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That little interesting story, like someone the other day said to me, oh, I'm from this place, maybe Liverpool. Liverpool. And he said, oh, it's where Banksy's from. And I was like, oh, and we had a whole conversation about Banksy. And I was like, that was it. He said where he was from, but instead of being Liverpool, I'd be like, cool, never been there.
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He was like, Liverpool, it's supposedly where Banksy's from. I was like, really? But don't we, do we even know who Banksy is? And he's like, well, we don't know, but he could have been in my high school. We had a whole fun conversation about Banksy. And I asked him afterwards, I was like, do you always share that comment? He's like, yeah, because it creates the most interesting conversation.
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So when you say where you're from, have an interesting fact or interesting story, I read a book about traffic, literally to have interesting stories about traffic. Like, for example, in Los Angeles, everyone says the 101. the five, the 10. That's the only place in the world where we say that. So sometimes I'll even, like someone will be like, oh, traffic.
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It will get you everything you want. You want a better relationship? You want a soulmate? You want a raise? You want a promotion? You want a business? You want more friends? You want a support system? It will even get you longevity. That's how strong I feel about it.
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And I'll be like, oh, so are you a the person? Do you say the? And we get in a whole conversation about. So like I have little things that create a little bit of juice and I'm always rotating them out. So in your phone, create a note called story toolbox and have the topics that typically come up in your conversation and start saving little stories for them.
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I'm constantly adding that story toolbox and I'm rotating out my facts and trivia because I get bored.
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No, if we were doing regular Zoom calls, you would know that I'm probably going to ask you what's good and you'd probably be pre-thinking about what's good in your life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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If you have incredible relationships and you're able to communicate your ideas so people like you and they listen, your life changes.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Look, there are certain people born out the womb charismatic. Great hand gestures, great eyebrows right out the womb. There are those very unique people. But most of us learn charisma. Most really, really charismatic leaders, they've learned, ah... This nonverbal cue gets people to smile. Oh, with this vocal power, people pay attention and lean in.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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And they've accidentally or purposefully learned how to hone their charisma. And the good news is I think anyone can learn it. Anyone, no matter how awkward you are. Believe me, I'm proof. You can learn it.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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I'm a recovering awkward person. I was so awkward. I had a really hard time communicating with people. I was not well-liked. I had very few friends. If I can learn it, anyone can learn it.
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I promise. You know, also, awkwardness dresses up in different ways, right? So I think most people, when they think of awkward, they think of that stereotypical, robotic, unreadable, saying weird things. That was not my brand of awkward. My brand of awkward was trying to be impressive when I clearly wasn't, telling funny stories that were not funny, talking too much. Shocker. Right?
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She was physically attracted to him, and I asked her, would you like to go out with him again? And she said to me... Really? Yeah, yeah. And now we are missing opportunities for connection. The thing that's going to make us healthy, happy, and live a long time.
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Yes, then it would be like, let's have some wins. Like, what's good, right? You're trying to have efficiency and productivity and trust and collaboration. If you want to have a collaborative meeting, literally in your calendar, call it collaboration meeting. If you want to say, hi, team, every time you say team, you're priming for team, right? So those words really matter.
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Yeah.
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Okay, so do you hear she's using vocal fry? When you use closed body language, it affects your voice. So vocal fry is when you're, like, I love going out and I kind of love... Right. So she started to go into a little bit of vocal fry here, which is not attractive. We do not like vocal fry.
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I think she's doing it because she's so closed. It's very hard to get good vocal power when you're that closed. Right. So you can hear it here.
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It was saying the wrong things and over-communicating. I also had that Labrador energy, you know, like that golden retriever energy where I'm like…
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But I... It's because she didn't immediately be like, yeah.
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No, I got a little angry after this date. Tell him you'd love to go out.
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I was real mad after this date because I asked her, are you attracted to him? Yes. Did you like him? Yes. Did you have fun? Yes. Would you like to go out with him again? I'm real busy. I was like, girl, we handed this guy to you on a silver platter. He's fun, you're attracted to him, and you're too busy. Busyness is not a mark of success. Busyness is going to prevent you from finding your person.
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And this is a problem we have. We're so busy with our self-care rituals and our workouts and our work that we are missing opportunities for connection. And connection is the thing that's going to make us healthy, happy, and live a long time. We have to stop saying we're too busy to connect with good people.
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I literally think she thought she was too busy. And I was like, get your priorities straight. And so this is not even if you're looking for your person. I also see this with friendships. Friends where we put our friendships last. But actually, if we were having a hard moment or a health crisis, who do you want? Your support system and your friends.
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Yeah. I'm like super into people. And that was awkward because people would be like, back up. It's okay. And that was awkward because it created, I was so over eager. I so wanted people to like me that I feel like, you know, I was leaning into everyone all the time. And that created awkwardness for people because I was trying so hard.
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We have to start prioritizing the connections in our life, especially with good people. And so it made me angry because I thought, this could be a great person for you.
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Married. Babies.
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Yeah. And I said, after, after the mics were off, I was like, go get him. Girl, go get him. And they did. And they sat in the bar and they chatted for the entire hour and they walked out together.
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By the way, let's get some DAOC babies. Let's get some babies. I will be an officiant at the wedding. We can do it together.
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Too many choices. Yeah, so jam study.
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Yeah, yeah. You have 20 jams on a table. People will pick none because there's just too many. When there's only three, people buy more.
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Very simple.
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Okay, so too many choices is one. But I also think, like, we are so accidentally, we become so obsessed with our morning routine, our evening routine, our rituals, our self-care. Self-care wasn't even a thing that we talked about when I was on social media 10 years ago. So what happens is I see rigidity.
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There's a new rigidity happening for both men and women, but a lot of women too, where, oh, I can't go on that date because I have to do my morning routine. I can't do that thing because I have to get my workout in. And I think that we are putting our connections in last place. When actually, if we want to know what's really good for our health and our longevity, it's our relationships.
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We get the most of the good chemicals of the good, happy laughs and the endorphins with other people. And we keep putting it last.
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Yeah.
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Yes. Yes, I also think our checklists are getting in the way.
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So many single people I know, they'll tell me they have a list. They have a list of things that they really want. When I met my husband, I did not have a list, but there was just a connection there. And even though we're very different on paper, it just worked. And so I think that when people have a checklist, it actually blinds them to seeing a connection right in front of their face.
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And she said to me, I don't know if this is on camera or not, so hopefully it's okay if I share it, but she's like, you know, I just, I don't know if he's as career-oriented as I was like. That's really important to me. And I knew that was on her list. On her list, on her internal list, career is right up top. Now, they didn't even talk about career.
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So I said, well, do you, did you even know what he does? Well, no.
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That's it. And it didn't check the list. And so what can happen on these dates is they become very conversationally transactional. What do you do? Check. Where are you from? Don't know. Check.
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So these checklists, I think, are creating a lot of rigidity. And then you add in the busyness trap, which is I'm so successful, I'm so busy. Busy is not a mark of success.
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I don't know if that's ambivalence. I think that is... Numbness. Like, people have gotten really attractive. I don't know if you've noticed this. Yeah, they have. My goodness, people are so pretty. Like, I'm on Instagram and I'm like, how does everyone look so good? Like, I didn't really know anyone with an eight pack when I went to school. Like, did you? No, because that wasn't really a thing.
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I'm like old, right? Like no one had that. There was no social media. So like people had like, you know, normal looks. Now people are extremely attractive. And so I think that the bar has gone up so that we're all like numb to how beautiful people are, how funny people are, how kind people are because we've been on a thousand dates.
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Or the funniest, best thing they ever did is on their Instagram and we saw it. So anything else is like, eh.
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seen it like nothing is impressive anymore like i there's two challenges i recommend for people who are in like kind of a funk like if you're in like a you're burnt out or you're feeling lonely or you're like things are not working there's two challenges you could consider the first one is really hard it's the no mirror challenge it's you go 30 days without looking in a mirror
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Something really crazy happens when you cannot see yourself and see how good you look and see what you look like. And it's especially powerful for women. I did it for 30 days. And I went, you have to do all your normal things. You have to go to meetings. You have to go out without looking in a mirror, which means usually you don't wear makeup. You don't do your hair.
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You kind of just go out as you are. First, you realize that people still like you. even if you don't look perfect. So no mirror challenge can give you a lot of confidence and also can show you where your true relationships, your true friends are.
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The second challenge is a social media or an online blackout challenge, which is if you don't have any dopamine from your phone, you have to go get dopamine and oxytocin from in-person relationships. So if you have a blackout where you cannot go on any social media or have any kind of interactions on your phone and you have to go out in person, you actually do.
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Yeah, but a lot of us, I think, have casual friends. We have, like, you know, acquaintances, people, they know what we do, but then we don't know how to level up. Like, I believe that everyone should have core friendship values. Mine are, for me personally, respect. Meaning they don't show up late. They respect my time. Self-honesty. I actually like honesty, but I prefer self-honesty in a friend.
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Like I remember when I used to travel for work and I'd get to a city and there was nothing to do. Like there was no phone in my hotel. I did not have an iPad. You could read a book or you could try to go out. And that's what I would do. I would like get to a city and I'd be like, well, I have nothing to do in the hotel room. There's literally nothing to do. I had my book.
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I could go to the hotel bar. I could go walk around the city. And I met more people in that time of my life than I do now, even though I'm connected to more people than ever.
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Dopamine and also the energy flip wouldn't be so massive. The energy that you're using on your computer is very much output, right? Like you're putting your energy into your machine to create content of some kind. When you go out, it's a feedback. It's back and forth. Having your brain switch from one to the next is very jarring.
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And if you already get dopamine from your screen, what's the motivation for going out in person? There's only downsides.
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Yeah, why would you go out? You're already having the best conversations you can do, and you're in control. And look, I don't know, just saying, I think you like control.
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The reason I bring up the control thing is if you are on social media, you are in complete control. You decide how often you scroll. You decide where you click. You decide when you're done with something, you just exit their video. Well, you know, in conversation, if I don't like your answer, I can't go off. I can't turn your volume down. I can't double click on your like.
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I actually have to sit and listen to you. And I think that, you know, if you're in control of your conversations, and even like at this table, you are in control. Like I'm talking a lot, but like you can interrupt me anytime you want, and I will answer whatever question you ask me. And so I wonder, don't be mad at me, if in real conversation, like, I could ask you anything that I want.
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Like, right now, I have a thousand questions for you, but I'm trying to not ask them of you.
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Well, I asked you the one about control, but you didn't really answer. You tossed it back to me. You don't think you're a control freak?
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Okay, thank you.
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Am I? Yeah.
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He was already laughing. Thank you, Jack.
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Yeah. So I think, look, I don't know, but my guess would be why you don't want to go out with people is because you have to give up control and you have to be in a conversation where you might be asked something that might be boring or you don't like it. And like, why? Why?
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I don't love a networking event, but I've found that if I have a very specific goal, it's better. So for example, I'm researching my next book. I'm looking for conversational case studies. So I'm going to the event and I'm like, okay, tonight I'm going to try a new question and see how it goes. you know, I'm then, I'm like, okay, I have a purpose.
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I had friendships that didn't work for a long time because they lied to themselves about things. And I'm not a liar, so I would be like, but he's terrible to you. And they'd be like, what? No, he's not. Self-deception doesn't work for me. If that's a core friendship value, you cannot do it. Do you know what I'm saying?
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Or if I'm like, I'm going to practice some new jokes. Or if I'm like, I'm looking from a new, you know, business inspiration. Like that helps me. So I think no one really likes networking events, but if you have a goal, it makes it a little bit better.
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Oh, this is my favorite topic. As a leader, especially if you're trying to meet people and new people especially, what do you do needs to be I am a who helps leader. A lot of leaders struggle with building the right connections. And so they'll be very either like intellectual with their answer or very vague. So like I've heard business leaders say, oh, you know, I run a tech company.
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That is a dream killer for a conversation. People don't know what to do with that. So what you're better off saying is I have a tech company and we help aspiring cooks.
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I love Tim. So Tim is my person, okay? Tim is my person. Let me tell you about Tim. So Tim is a code monkey slash software engineer, which we'll watch that video in a second. He is highly technical. He's very kind. He loves what he does. And on the date, he was actually the only person of the four speed daters who showed warmth the entire time. And I didn't know.
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Self-honesty, specifically. And the last one is depth. So once I started going deep, I realized I need that. I cannot have a surface-level friend. Like, I want to know how is your marriage, but how is it really? Like, I want to go really, really deep. And if I sense that there's any kind of hesitation there, we're not going to be friends.
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I even said to Jack, I was like, I think he's into her. And I asked him afterwards, I said, are you into her? And he said, no. And I was very impressed with him because he still showed warmth, congeniality, and kindness, even though he wasn't physically into her. And I was like, this is magic. I also think that Tim came across as a little bit nervous and a little bit awkward.
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And I was like, ooh, Tim, if we could just dial up your confidence and add that to your warmth, you are going to find your person. And so I love Tim. We can watch his interaction.
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Okay, you're going to have a great date. First, can I help you out with some advice? Yeah. Okay, so ignore the cameras completely. Okay. You're making great eye contact, which I love. She's probably going to ask you, what do you do? Okay. What is your answer to that question?
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Okay, cool. So anytime I meet a software engineer, it's a good answer, but it's a conversational dead end. Yeah. Because unless I'm a software engineer, I don't know what to say. So I'm like... So what I want you to do is actually create a hook. So you're going to say, so what kind of coding do you do?
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Don't even know what that is. You have to think of a hook to give me so that you don't have this. What do you do? Software engineer. What do you do? Teacher, because we have to have it. We can't you can't say I'm a software engineer. Do you like art? Yeah, we can't do that. Right. How long have you been doing it? How about that?
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So do you lead a team?
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But you love your team. Okay. So I think that that could be your hook. So I think you could say like, I'm a code monkey, AKA software engineer. Um, the best part of my job is playing with code all day, but also like hanging out with my team. Yes. Then you're giving me a lot of hooks that I can then say next. Any body language questions for me? Your body language looks great.
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You're making eye contact. I love your visible hands. You already watched my Steven interview.
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Okay. Yeah. Perfect. So I think it's great. Mutual laughing is really good too. It's like, that's great. If you're ever nervous, just, just laugh. Okay. It's going to go really well. Okay. You got this. Okay, so this is exactly what happens with highly competent folks is they have an answer to the question that's just the answer. That's not how good conversation works.
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Master communicators make it very easy for people to ask a follow-up question or to get hooked in. So whatever your answer is as a leader, you want to give people enough hook to be able to be like, oh, I want to know more about that. Software engineer didn't do that for Tim. Now, her response to this question is terrible. Terrible. Did you see what happened in the date?
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Oh my goodness.
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Cheers.
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So I think it's important to think about, yes, hobbies, great. Like you want to do activities with these people. But what are your core friendship values?
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It's a bit, it's demeaning. Yeah. And also people, people don't know what it is really.
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Oh no. And so, so, so she says, oh no. So first of all, I said to her afterwards, why did you do that? If you disagree with someone, you can disagree with them, but then give them something else. So she was basically like, oh no. And then he's like, yeah, I love what I do.
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I think you're right. He came up with a better answer. And this is the takeaway for leaders, is what question are you asked all the time? I know people in business are asked the same questions all the time, either networking or in their business pitches. I always think this when I watch Dragon's Den or Shark Tank. It's like you knew this question was coming.
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You want to have a really, really good answer. And so making sure that you're ready for the answer and the more stories you can use, the better. That's why I'm like I want you to start that note in your phone of all the stories of all the different topics that come up is it's so important to have good answers with those questions that you know are coming your way.
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Okay. Think about all the things that drive you crazy about your current friends. Okay? Okay?
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Yeah. I'm the CEO of a media company. So you want to start with clarity. So what is it exactly you do? I don't like people who have like these crazy weird metaphors for like… Right. Right. So tell them what you do. I'm the CEO of a media company. And, you know, we work with amazing clients like… So tell me who's the best client you worked for, the most interesting client you worked for.
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What's the most interesting project you worked for? Like tell me that story or tell me how you moonlight. So if your job is boring, be like, oh, you know, I'm a CEO of a media company, but I garden on my free time. Like give me the side hustle so I can say, oh, what kind of media? Or tell me about the gardening.
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So give an interesting story about who it is you work for or give me a side hustle that's really interesting or a passion.
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Humans need reasons. When there is a reason, even if it's a silly reason, it helps us feel more motivated. So it was a very, very silly study that was done that looked at this, where they had people go up to a copy machine in a library and And ask, can I make copies? Now, everyone who's in the line for the copy machine has to make copies.
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Think about friendships that didn't work out, that had a lot of potential, but, like, they fizzled. You never quite had a good time with them. Or friends that you get together with them all the time, but they still wouldn't be a best friend.
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They found that people who went up to the line to cut the line and said, excuse me, can I make some copies? They got rejected. They were like, no, dude. Get in the back of the line. We're all making copies. But if someone said, excuse me, can I make copies? I really have to copy this.
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like with a reason, people were more likely to let them cut, even though it was exactly the same thing as the first thing. The point of the study was to show that if you have a because, even if it's a silly because, people are more likely to do things for you. I don't love this idea, but I think the important point for us is you want to know your why.
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That's why I said, tell people who you help. So if you're a CEO of a media company, who you help is your most interesting client. Or if you're a life coach, don't just say, I'm a life coach or I'm a consultant. I'm a life coach. I help women who really want to get their nutrition under control. Then I know who you work for. That's your why. And that gives someone a reason.
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Or, you know, I'd really love to work with you. I think that I could really, really change your nutritional outlook and put you in more control of your nutrition. That because even though it's implied, even though I already heard it, it hooks someone in to go, ah, if they have a why, I can buy into that why. And I don't think he did a very good job on that.
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However, he was very warm with her, even though he wasn't into it. I thought that was very respectful.
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Exactly. This is why I'm doing what I'm doing. The number one thing that is causing loneliness is we are withholding our liking, both with friends and in romance. With all of these daters, none of them, 0%, showed any kind of obvious liking. How are we going to have babies? How are we going to have marriages if we're withholding our liking?
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How are we going to have friends if we don't know if someone likes us? I think we should be going around showing, amplifying our likes to the people that we're with.
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Okay. So verbally, I think it's very easy, right? You can be very direct and be like, oh my gosh, this is so much fun. So like my magic phrases, right? If someone is interesting, funny, likable, fun, say in that moment, oh, this is so fun. This is so interesting. Being with you is always so interesting.
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So that's one way you can do it is affirming the adjective that you're already feeling and saying it out loud. I think that Kendrick was very funny. And I actually said to him in our pre-interview, I was like, oh, you're really funny. That must be a double-edged sword.
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Like what is blocking? What is missing there? And it could be on either side, right? It's like not all just up to them. So think about what drives you crazy. And then like what makes you feel healed? What makes you feel good? What makes you feel calm? What makes you feel like yourself?
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The first guy, yeah. I said, you're really funny. And that made him feel really good. He was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I am. And I was like, I think that's good, but also probably it's harder to get depth. He's like, yes, that's true. So if someone is funny, interesting, delightful, a good conversationalist, tell them. That's the first thing. Don't withhold that.
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Never. Never.
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Yes.
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Like, we like people who like us. So the more obvious you are with your liking actually just makes you more likable. So affirming them, making sure that they know that you were thinking of them. So like, I was just thinking of you. I was so looking forward to this. I've been looking forward to this all day. And then nonverbal liking. So for men, vocalizations, hmm, ah, oh, hmm. We love those.
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We love a triple nod. We love a head tilt. We love a lean. All of those. See? Oh, you know, there was something funny that I read recently, which is, Women list humor as a number one trait they want in a man. Men don't care as much about humor in a woman. They want a woman who laughs at their jokes.
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Which I thought this was so good and so helpful that for a man, yes, it's good if you can work on being funny because women do like it. But if you're a woman, you actually don't have to be that funny. You just have to be willing to laugh. And that brings me back to liking humor.
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Being an easy laugher, like being ready to laugh, is one of the most likable complimentary things you can do for someone else. That was good. Thank you. Is this real or not real? We like it. I like it. That's a very believable laugh. It was good. Sometimes people will withhold their laughing or they'll be like, oh, that's funny. Right?
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So being an easy laugher is also like the fastest way to tell someone, I like you. When we laugh, we are absolutely showing we like someone. So nonverbal and verbal liking is like very important.
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Yes. And it's being the best passenger ever. If you're not a joke teller, the joke teller is the driver, right, in a conversation. They're telling funny stories. They're telling funny anecdotes. They're very funny. They're driving. Well, drivers need passengers to laugh at their jokes. So you are going to be the best passenger ever. You're going to laugh at the joke.
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Give me an example of that.
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You're going to bang on the table. I love table bangers. You know, I have people in my life who are not very funny, but they love to bang on the table when I tell a funny joke, and that makes me feel so good. They don't need to be funny. I'm happy to try.
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So if you're not funny, just be very good at hyping up other funny people. You also could be a curator of funny. You find the best funny GIFs. You find the best funny clips. You share the best funny posts. Like you don't have to be funny to be a curator of funny. Like I have a friend who's not that funny, but he has the best clips and memes that he sends me.
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And so I think of him as funny even though he's never told a joke.
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Totally, but it's associated with him.
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But isn't that funny?
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Yeah, please don't name him.
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He literally sends not funny gifs.
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But, like, doesn't it make you kind of laugh? Don't you love them for it?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Okay, if that was them, if that was me, if I'm like, I'm not that funny, I can learn to be funny.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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I think I have. Like I think I've learned to be a little bit funny with like my sense of humor. I think take an improv class. Like really, really take an improv class. A lot of humor is just trying things and seeing if they land. So if you're not funny and you want to be and like something to go to work on, take an improv class and work on being funny on stage.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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I also think you can study funny people and see how they make their jokes. Like… And you can have the same jokes. For example, I have a friend who whenever he's over at our house and I say, babe, to my husband, he goes, yes. And it's always funny. It's always funny. It's the only joke he really makes, but I love it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And so I think that you can also have like sort of jokes that you've figured out that you just use over and over again.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Yes, I love touch, but you have to be a little bit careful with it because if you do it inauthentically or awkwardly, it's like a total fail and looks terribly, horribly wrong. I love a high five. Like, I love like, oh my gosh, that was great. Yes. Oh my gosh, we're both into that. Like, I love like, you're making a funny face.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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What?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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No, I think people would like it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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I think I have high-fived Jemima.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Yeah. Okay. So, all right. Find your thing. You have a flavor. Yeah. Right? Everyone has a flavor. Your flavor is not high-fiving, but it's probably something else, like a dry sense of humor. In fact, they did a study where they looked at warriors and not warriors, like neurotics and not neurotics. Neurotics are known for making self-deprecating jokes, and we like it about them.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Like they're constantly making fun of themselves and we like it. Whereas low neurotics, people who are not warriors, who are like really confident. They love to make jokes about other things but never about themselves. So like everyone has like their flavor and that's good. You've got to find it. And you should study people who are like you, right?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Like there has to be – like I love to watch like those talk shows like, you know, Jimmy Kimmel or whatever. And I pay attention to the interviews that have more than one laugh every 30 seconds. So my goal in a keynote, like I give a lot of keynotes for organizations, I try to have a laugh every minute. If I can. I think that if you have a laugh every minute, you're considered funny.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Oh my gosh. Well, at least 400,000 students who I can count, but millions more.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And that actually opens up the brain to more learning. So on interviews, I pay attention to who are the interviews, what are the interviews where they're getting a laugh every 30 seconds, 30 to 60 seconds. And I'm paying attention to how are they doing it. And that is how I've learned to be funny.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Like, for example, like a really easy one for humor I've learned is like if you have like one, two, three things and the third thing is weird, people almost always laugh. So if you're like, oh, you know, Texas is great. It's the land of tacos, cowboy hats, and hot girls. Like if you make the third thing a weird one, people kind of like, ha, like they think it's funny.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And so like you can begin to play with those things if you learn. But I've noticed that as a pattern just like anecdotally by watching people. So I think that you could find someone who's like you. Like you should find a British smart guy. Who's a British smart guy who's funny?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Jack's smart. Jack. And just like see what kind of jokes they're making. I bet you those jokes will work for you too.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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For sure. It's like it networks. I also think there was a study that was done about like charisma. We're talking about master communicators, especially leaders. I work with a lot of leaders. And what I tell them is you can actually channel your role model that will completely change your body language.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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They asked presenters to present on stage a little one-minute presentation, which, by the way, very hard to do if you're not a presenter. So they had them give a little presentation on stage. And they took them off and they said, okay, now we want you to channel Steve Jobs and give another presentation. And don't tell anyone what you're doing, but just in your mind, just channel him.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And it's actually probably way more than that, but that's just what we can count.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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When they got on stage, they were more charismatic. They used more vocal variety. They used more hand gestures. They were more confident. They spent almost double the amount of time on stage and they liked it more. simply by channeling Steve Jobs. So I share this because I think you don't necessarily have to be funny or charismatic on your own.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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But if you're channeling the most funny person you know, or the most charismatic person you know, it can transform your vocal and nonverbal cues to be more like that person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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I have some that are not my favorites, but you haven't asked them yet.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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This is what got me into this work. It was actually microexpressions. So there are many people, especially if you have narcissists in your life, who misinterpret neutral expressions as negative. So one of the problems I had early on that caused me to be awkward is I thought everyone hated me. I thought everyone was angry at me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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So I'd misinterpret the expression, I would think they hate me, which made me even more awkward. It was a very bad cycle. So one of the first things I discovered with this work where I was like, why doesn't everyone know this? I was 20 years old and I stumbled upon
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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This idea that some of our expressions are universal, that across cultures and genders and races, we make the same facial expressions for the same emotions. Now, there's some controversy about microexpressions and how universal they are, but there are seven that we've found have a lot of universal applications, and I would love to teach you those seven. Please. Okay. Okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Let's actually start with fear. So fear is a universal response. And when we make this face, it helps keep us safe. It's when we widen our eyes so our eyelids, our upper whites show. We raise our eyebrows up and we usually open our mouth. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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They want to be master communicators.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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They want to be able to ask for what they want and get it. If you are a master communicator, no matter what you want, again, if it's a partner or a business deal, you can get it if you can communicate well.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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For sure.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Let's do it.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know, an eye roll can be sort of silly. But like, contempt, no matter the context, is not good. Right? Like if someone is like, I don't think so. You know, they feel better then. That's never a good thing. And I really could be like, oh, you're being so silly. Right?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Our first impressions are actually very accurate. They find 76% accurate with our personality traits. In other words, people can accurately guess after a first impression how extroverted you are how agreeable, how neurotic. Actually, neurotic is the hardest one to guess. We can hide that really well. Openness and conscientiousness. We're pretty good at guessing that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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I can guess that based on just the first few seconds of interaction, which means they're lasting. So if you've made a bad first impression, It's hard to recover. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. We can work on it. But nailing that first impression will set you up for a lifetime of success with that person. So it's very important that we don't throw them away.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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So like contempt is the one expression where, one, you don't want to accidentally show it in your profile picture. So never show an asymmetrical smile. And two, if someone is showing you contempt, you have some rapport building to work on. Now, you don't know what that contempt is. It could be about you. It could be about the relationship. It even could be about self-contempt.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And this is the number one mistake people make in a first impression. They do it like this. Oh, hi, nice to meet you. Looking down at their phone or their iPad or their computer or their notepad or their book. When we are looking down, it looks very much like the universal defeat posture. Universal defeat is when we tuck our chin to our chest.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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But you want to immediately be like, what is going on? What are you feeling? What's going through your mind? What questions do you have for me? To make sure you're addressing whatever the reason for that contempt is so it doesn't fester.
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They've actually researched this, and every person on planet Earth has these five personality traits, and they fall on a spectrum, high, medium, or low. and they're somewhere between 42% to 57% heritable. For example, neuroticism, which is how you worry. And high neurotics, like me, produce less serotonin more slowly. Serotonin makes us feel calm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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The only way, the only way is shared experience. Talking more usually doesn't get it. Like you can talk more. But if you have shared experiences where you're building oxytocin or you're building adrenaline, you're doing something new together that scares you both a little bit, It creates all kinds of chemical connections and bonds.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And that's why sometimes when people go on like a couple's retreat or a big couple's trip, it resets them. It really resets them chemically. If you are showing contempt, you might disrespect that person. You have to go into shared activities where you can build respect back.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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You can kind of change your personality. That's probably not the answer that you want. But they've actually researched this. And when you look at personality, it's composed of five main traits. known as ocean, openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Every person on the planet Earth has these five traits, and they fall on a spectrum, high, medium, or low.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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These traits are somewhat heritable, somewhat genetic. So there is a portion of our genetics we cannot change. For example, personality traits are somewhere between 42% to 57% heritable, meaning some of it is just literally our genes expressing themselves. But that still gives us quite a bit of wiggle room.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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What I like to focus on is if you are low on the spectrum in, let's say, neuroticism, which is how you worry, you cannot become – well, low, you cannot become highly neurotic. It's too big of a swing. But you could probably dial up to medium if you wanted to, or if you were high, you could probably dial down to medium. So you have, let's say, 30% to 40% potential for change.
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So if you want to change your mindset, your goals, your personality, you have about 30% to 40%, I think, freedom to grow or change in a way that you want to if you're purposeful.
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Yes. Okay, so openness. Openness is how curious you are, how open to new experiences you are, how creative you are. I think it's why you're willing to have new people in this setting, is you like having new questions. Highly open people are extremely curious. Okay. The opposite is low open. Low open folks love habit, tradition, routine.
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Yeah, control is not about openness, right? Like you're willing to move around the world. You're willing to meet a lot of new people. Low open people want everything to be the same. They don't want to travel. They don't want to experience new things.
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And the reason for this is actually they found that highly open people have a certain form of gene called DRD4, which means that when they experience something new, they get an extra load of dopamine. That is why extremely high open people are adrenaline junkies. They seek really new experiences all the time because they want that dopamine hit.
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We usually have our very little space between our shoulders and our earlobes. We have our arms close to our sides. This, yeah, don't you feel kind of horrible? You look horrible. Oh, thank you. When you check your phone, every time you check your phone, you accidentally look like a loser. And I mean that literally in terms of losing and winning.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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They actually get more dopamine when they try new things. Low open people have less dopamine for new experiences. So they're like, why would I go travel when I have my perfect setup right here? I think what's really important about personality is there is no bad. There is no wrong. We want diversity of personality because our high opens, they explore. They're the ones trying all the new things.
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Our low opens honor our traditions and our rituals.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Very important. If I were dating right now, I would probably make the dater take a personality test so we could see if we're matched. I would literally, I put up this test for free. So I have a personality test. It is up for free. I think every single person should take it, know your own personality, and also know your best friend's personality, your partner's personality.
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Okay, so I know what matches really well together. A high open and a low open are going to have trouble.
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Yes. So let's talk about this very practically. I know very quickly. So yes, you can have, hopefully, have people take the test and then look at the results. Like you can actually screenshot it and look. If you're not sure, ask someone, what do you usually do for lunch? A high open will be like, oh, I love trying new places. The new thing, they always order the special every time.
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A low open person wants to go to the same restaurant with the same waiter, order the same meal, and they would never try the special. Why risk it? Very different approach to the same thing. So in a relationship, every single meal they're going to have a problem. Like it's really easy if you have the same level of approach to experiences.
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Entrepreneurs, as a leader, leaders, very good leaders, are typically higher in openness. So it tracks for you that you're high and open because you're willing to try new things. You're willing to risk it for the biscuit. You're willing to say, okay, I'm going to risk this new idea to see if it's going to work.
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I know. And that's because you're driven towards more high dopamine. However, high open entrepreneurs have shiny object syndrome where they are constantly chasing new ideas. No. And it doesn't always work.
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Okay. I'm joking. You do it, right? Yes, exactly. And that can be very distracting. So if you are working with a high open leader, you are probably extremely frustrated. They keep wanting to try new projects.
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They are going to pressure you, but they're going to keep you in check.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Right? Like you should never have your CFO as a high open person. True.
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Right? So like the best people, like diversity of hiring is so important in personality. The mistake I see in corporate, because I do personality trainings for corporate, is managers hire their same personality. And they're all having the same problems. They can never have follow through. And that brings me to conscientiousness.
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So in a first impression, you're waiting in the waiting room for a big job interview. You're waiting for your date, for possibly your perfect person. And what are you doing? Checking your phone.
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Conscientiousness is where I think opposites attract. This is where I think that works. Conscientiousness is your approach to detail. So it's high conscientious people love, like I'm high conscientious. I love alphabetizing. I love color coding. Office supplies make me so happy. I love Post-it notes and files. I like purses with 15 different compartments. Am I losing you?
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Okay, I've lost you.
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Because you're medium open. I mean, sorry, you're medium conscientious.
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Right, because you're medium.
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Right, and also you're not doing all the details.
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Right, you have a team doing the really difficult details of the research or the editing because you can do it, but you're not super, super conscientious. I'm super, super high conscientious, so I love the details. I have a color-coded calendar for my family, for example. I'm the only one who looks at it.
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So highly successful people typically are more conscientious. And this is what we have to remember is they've studied this. Two low conscientious people in a marriage have more financial problems.
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So unfortunately, this is one where high conscientiousness can help you a lot in marriage, with finances, in business. But medium is okay. So if you're low, you can work on dialing up your conscientiousness with tools, right? with training, with habits books. That's why habits books are always on the bestseller list.
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It's because all the low-conscientious, immediate-conscientious people in the world know, ooh, if I want to be successful, I just have to get more habits. By the way, on the first date with Ashley and Kendrick, Ashley said that she had a spreadsheet for how she spends her days. And he was like, whoa, a spreadsheet. And she showed in that answer that she was super high conscientious.
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That is really good to know in a new relationship is someone's high or low conscientious. A high conscientious person, they will never be late, but they get very mad if you're late. So it's really good to know the conscientiousness of your team and of your partner so you can better predict their behavior.
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Yeah. That first impression that happens in the first few seconds of seeing you, and this is another mistake introverts make, they think their first impression starts the moment they start talking.
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Yes, I think that they're actively studying this now. I think neurodivergence, neurodiversity, there is personality trends with that. I don't know exactly what they are yet, but I know that they're looking at how does the neurodivergent community deal with conscientiousness or openness. I know that also, for example, neurodivergent folks have a different chemical response to even eye contact.
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So like I talk about eye contact a lot, but I have to be very aware for my neurodivergent community, eye contact is harder for them. And that is because when they're connecting, they want to be processing and thinking. So it's much harder, more distracting for them if they're making eye contact.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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So there's a lot of ways in which they are having a different response to an interaction or a connection. Okay, extroversion. So this is the one that, this is the cool kid, I call it, the cool kid of personality, is that everyone talks about extroverts and introverts. But actually, ambiverts are much more interesting to me. And most people are ambiverts.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
They fall somewhere in between extrovert and introvert. Introverts get energy from being alone. Extroverts get energy from being with others. Ambiverts can dial up into extrovert energy, but they need a lot of recharge time. Like I slept like 11 hours last night in preparation for this interview, right?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like I knew that it was going to be a lot of intense like interaction time, so I wanted like a lot of flat laying in bed time because I'm ambivert leaning towards introvert, right? I get energy from the right people, but I can't do a lot of socializing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Your first impression happens the moment someone first sees you. That's when they walk into a room, open the door, walk into a restaurant, or look at your profile picture. Profile pictures are even more important. They've found that people make a first impression of you within the first hundred milliseconds of looking at your profile picture.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
It would be this, but weirder. Like I'm like a weird person at home, but it would be totally like this, but bigger because at home I'm really comfortable. Like I'm a silly mom. Like with my girls, like I'm dressing like a dinosaur. I'm doing dance routines. Like I'm very silly at home. He would probably say bigger if you were to ask him. Bigger. Yeah, like more animated. You're more animated.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Oh my gosh. Do you think I'm that animated? I thought you were pretty animated. Oh my gosh. I'm even more animated probably at home. Really? Yeah, because I'm even more comfortable.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I'm putting on plays with my girls. I'll do the whole Frozen soundtrack. I wouldn't do that for you here, but at home I would.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
A billion. Okay. No one will be with us if we do a billion episodes. Okay, so extroversion is important. Now, this happened on the date as well. He said, I'm a super extrovert. And she said, oh, I don't go out that much. This can also be an issue in a relationship. If someone is super extroverted, they need lots of people time versus someone who is very introverted. They don't want the people time.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That is constant tension in a relationship. You also have roles in a company where I'll notice – that people will hire for a role where the role requires extroverting. For example, if you're in sales, you cannot be introverted. It's very hard to be introverted because you're having a cold call. You'll have to schmooze and build rapport. You have to enjoy those networking events.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So it's important to factor in what is the ideal personality for this role. So for example, I have roles in my company where I actually don't want an extrovert. Like I don't want to chit chat. I don't want you socializing. Like I want you to be super high conscientious and really direct. We've had this where I've had a role where I had to let someone go because she wanted to chat too much.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And I was like, I can't. I can't chat. I don't have capacity to chat. I just, like, let's work right side by side, but don't talk to me. Kind of not really. Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Where, like, I knew that our team wasn't extroverted enough for her. And so you want to really be careful about hiring a role for your personality. So extroverts. Interesting.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
By the way, the best leaders are high extroverts. They found this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Two stars out of three. Middle. Makes sense. Like, I think that if you were out schmoozing more, it might help your business. But might not. It might be distracting to you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's so fast that you barely even realize you saw a picture. But we are so attuned to look at someone's facial expressions, their body posture, what's visible, our clothing, our ornaments. And what's fascinating about this research is they found that different pictures of the same person can give different first impressions. which means we are in control of our first impressions.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But that's what the research says.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And we could dial that up for you, but you couldn't completely change. We could dial up your extroversion, but it would take a lot of energy. That's the thing is we can change anything we want, but you probably can only change it 30% to 40%. It's going to take a lot of energy. And yet the question is, do you want to do that? Okay, agreeableness. Agreeableness is the hardest one to get.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
The agreeableness is your approach to teamwork. Highly agreeable people want everyone to like them and typically say yes to everything. They're agreeable. So the problem with agreeable people on a team is you ask them for something and they're like, oh, sure, yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But they shouldn't say yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And that is because they so want to be liked and they so struggle with people pleasing and boundaries. They don't have enough value in their own boundaries. They'll say yes to anything, but then they can't really do it. You have to be careful with a highly agreeable person because they often overcommit.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Exactly.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes, because they can't. I have trouble with highly agreeable people as friends. And that's because they'll often all be like, hey, do you want to go to this concert in two weeks? Oh, yeah. And they cancel me last minute. Always. Because in their minds, like maybe, but probably not. But they're afraid to tell me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
No. Now, let's talk about low agreeableness. Low agreeableness, those folks default to no. They are highly skeptical. They don't usually want – they will not do something for getting along. And because they default to no, they typically can be dream killers.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So if you're in a pitch or a presentation, they're like, nah, it'll never work. Nah, it'll never work. Or you know you're with a highly – a low agreeable person if they Google fact check everything you say.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Now, you have to know when to leverage them. Like, I know when to leverage my low agreeable people. I know when I want to go to them. Like, my husband can be very low agreeable. In fact, leaders are often low agreeable because they can't say yes to everything. They have to be willing to say no. They have to be willing to have people be angry at them.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So I know when I go to my husband for an idea, I have to be ready, ready for the dream killing because he's going to be hard on me, and that's good. The last one, my favorite neuroticism – Neuroticism is how you approach worry. So you're medium. A high neurotic is a worrier. This is me. High neurotics believe that worrying is an investment in failure prevention.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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We worry to protect ourselves, and here's what's really important to know. Low neurotics are very emotionally stable. They usually don't worry. They say things like, don't worry about it, or it'll all work out. They do that because they actually have a different chemical response to negative events.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
What they found is that high neurotics, like me, we carry the short form of the serotonin transporter gene. Serotonin makes us feel calm. It makes us feel like everything's going to be okay. High neurotics, we produce less serotonin more slowly. So if something bad happens to me, let's say I get a bad email, my adrenaline shoots up, my cortisol shoots up, I begin to worry.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
My body is slow to respond with the serotonin that will say, it's okay, it'll be okay. So I literally have a negative response for longer. That is why we worry. High neurotics chemically feel things worse than low neurotics. So in a relationship, low neurotics are like, why are you worrying about this? You can't do anything about it anyway.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
If different pictures of the same person, like if you have five different pictures of yourself and you put them up on different LinkedIn profiles, people are going to make different judgments of you, which means you can control the kind of judgment you want to make by picking the right picture, but also having the right body language when someone first sees you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And the high neurotic is like, because if it happens, it will feel very bad. And my serotonin hasn't kicked in yet. So my husband is low neurotic. I'm high neurotic. This is a great match.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes. So women are typically higher in neuroticism and higher in agreeableness. So they've actually studied the difference between genders. Women are higher in neuroticism and agreeableness than men. Men are also typically higher in extroversion.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And more extroverted by nature, typically.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay. So narcissists tend to be higher in extroversion. They typically love to be around people because it feeds their narcissism. Again, that does not mean that all extroverts are narcissists. I don't know about conscientiousness. I don't know if that correlates.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Typically, narcissists are lower in agreeableness because they believe in themselves so much that they're like, I don't need people to agree with me. I'm totally great by myself. Typically, they're lower in neuroticism because they don't worry. They're like, everyone likes me. I'm so great. Why should I be worried? And I don't know about openness.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So luckily, whatever their answer is, you don't have to be too worried, but you do want to have a conversation that goes like this. I see that you're really low in neuroticism, which means you don't worry about things. When has that served you and when has that not served you? The most important thing about personality is first, analyzing yourself, knowing where you fall.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yeah, I think Samin Vazir, I think, did this study. Yeah. Don't quote me, but I believe Samin Vazir does a lot on digital first impressions. And what's incredible is that small tweaks to your cues can have a massive impact on your impression. So, for example, I've played around with this on mine where I'll have my hand in my picture. Like, there's a big difference.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Second is analyzing someone else. How do they fit with you? And the last step is do you optimize or compromise? A narcissist will not compromise with you. So you'll find out if they're a narcissist if as you talk about the compromises, they won't. When they talk about how they're neurotic, they never had a problem with it. Oh, their agreeableness? It's always been great. Oh, their extroversion?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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They're perfect. Their conscientiousness? They do everything right. They've never made a mistake. Their openness? Their way is the better way. A narcissist typically believes their personality traits are perfect. Typically. So it's actually not their score, it's how they relate to the score that should be a red flag.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes, they've studied this. So you want to guess which personality traits live the longest?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But there's a close second. So high contentious people are very good at habits, exercising, brushing teeth, taking their medication. And there's one more that correlates to longevity.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's it. So if you are a high extrovert, you have a support system, you invest in your support system, and you're getting a constant dose of oxytocin and serotonin, which makes you feel so good, which makes you feel belonging, which means you seek out people when you need help. So who do you want advice?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Yeah. Extroverts and high conscious people live longer. You want to know who lives the shortest? Can you guess?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
The people who live the shortest, who have the lowest lifespan, are high neurotics. We worry ourselves to death. We have more chronic stress, more anxiety, and more depression. So neurotics have an issue, and this is me. We have a problem with our serotonin, right? Serotonin is very complicated. There's doing a lot of research on this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
If I don't produce as much serotonin and I produce it more slowly, I am having far more negative experiences than the same person in the room. Like if I'm in a car and we almost get in a car accident and I'm the high neurotic, that affects me all day long. I'm like jittery and jumpy all day. And people are like, what are you talking about? We didn't even get an accident.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
It's because their serotonin kicked in right away, began producing. They're like, oh, we're good. Whereas mine is like a slow faltering car.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Exactly. And they don't live as long. So I am working very, very hard in my life to one, dial up my extroversion to have a really strong support system because I know that supports me both mentally and longevity wise. But I'm also working on how to curb my neuroticism, to dial down my worry, to know that it's not an investment in worry prevention.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Worrying more does not prevent bad things from happening, but having resilience does.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes! Okay, so we had the very first date, and I pre-coached the gentleman, and I was coaching the girl via an earpiece, and I was shocked by these dates. Please don't do that. This is why we're having a baby crisis. I got angry after this date. Why? I was like, girl, we handed this guy to you on a silver platter.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
You know, optimism is not a part of the personality spectrum. However, high neurotics tend to be more pessimistic.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
If you were to see me like this with my face on my hand, it's called a face platter.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? So the more you worry, the more you think bad things will happen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Mm-hmm. Doesn't that make so much sense? So extroverts, there's a lot of things happening for extroverts. One is they're exposing themselves to lots of different immune systems. So they're getting more antibodies by exposing themselves to lots of different immune systems. But two, when they're with people, they're happier.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
If you're an introvert and you're with someone and you're unhappy and stressed, your cortisol is up, your adrenaline is up, you're not having as good of a time. Whereas an extrovert is getting all this energy, getting all this dopamine, which is fueling them, which is making them feel better, which makes them stronger.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
It's stress insurance.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like investing in your friendships, the reason why I talk about it so much, it is stress insurance. And by the way, lifelong singles, they can predict lifelong singles. So lifelong singles, typically low in openness.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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They don't want to try new things. They don't want to go to new places. They don't want to go to new restaurants. They won't go out and meet new people because they're low in openness, low in extroversion, so they don't get energy from being around people, and they're low in contentiousness. They can't even plan it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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That is the trifecta of you're going to have a hard time meeting your friends, meeting your people, because you don't get energy from people. You're not open to meeting new people, and you cannot have follow-through with trying to get the habit to get those new people. This episode is really important for those people because it means, A, you're not alone. There's other people who have this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Yeah, it's called a face platter, right? Think of like my face on a platter for anyone who's listening. This is a very different impression than this. Like same face. Face platter, warm, almost feminine, kind of girly, versus this, very professional, very competent. Just that one difference.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Two, it could be your genetics at work. I think that sometimes people get like down on themselves for it. I'm like, look, like it could be how you're wired. You're not set up right to be getting energy from people. Okay, we have to work on that. That means we have to find the right people in the right situation. So if I have that person, I have a lot of lifelong singles.
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who are my students, I say, okay, we can do this. We can do this. Okay, you don't get energy from people. You're a low extrovert. Where do you get energy? Knitting. Okay. Books. Great. Hiking. Great. Extreme sports. Great. That's where I want you to hang out. I want you to get energy from the activity, not the people. So that way you're getting all this good stuff from the activity.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Meeting people becomes a side effect and it's easier to be extroverted, to fight with that extroversion because you're like, oh, they're doing the same activity. And you don't even have to be high open. Because if you love that extreme sport, go to the same place every week at the same time, but do it all over the city. That way, the first time is going to be hard, but it's a ritual. It's a habit.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And then whoever is coming in new, that's your app. That's you're already getting people. So there's ways to do this. You just have to invest a little bit in it. I truly believe that lifelong singles can find their person. They just have to be looking in the right ways.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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When you first meet them, you don't have to know their personality right away. However, they've found that you can tell many of the personality traits from a handshake. From a handshake. So, like, if we handshake.
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Like, pretend that we just met. Just pretend. Pretend. Oh, it's so good to meet you. Okay, so extroverts shake firmer.
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Very good. And that's typically a mark of extroversion, so, like, that speaks to, like, a little bit higher on the scale. We tell a lot from Handshake of the firmness, of the length, of the amount of pumps that happen. All of those things are informing that sort of, like, our brains, like, figuring out someone's personality. So you can actually pay attention to what your instinct is.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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It's probably right. They've even found the weirdest—this is, like, the weirdest— They did a study where they observed people shaking hands, and they filmed them and found that in that minute after shaking hands, almost everyone touched their nose or their face. And they found that their nasal dilation increased, meaning when we shake someone's hand, we're kind of smelling their hand.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like I smell you. It's so weird. It's so weird. But that's what we're doing. It's because we're sussing out something about their personalities. There's a lot, I think, under the surface that we don't even realize is happening. Like I swear that when I shake a nervous person's hand and I smell my hand, I get a little bit nervous. Really? Yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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So all these cues are changing, especially if you're first impression happening on dating profile apps, on LinkedIn, in your email, like a little picture in your email, your website. It is changing the way people treat you and think of you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I don't like to be around nervous people because they like trigger my own nervousness. Weirdest thing ever.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
The vibe is real.
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That's that first impression. That vibe is so real. Yes, that's why I encourage people to not go to places where they're uncomfortable because people will pick up on that vibe. Like go places where you thrive. Like go to the activities, do the things that you actually like because that's going to come across. It's going to affect your vibe.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But you didn't like it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right. And your vibe was for sure off.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Yeah.
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You cannot hide it. It's like my little thing. You're like terrified. Yeah. You're probably like really afraid. So I think that like energy curation is important here.
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And I don't think we should try to fake it, right? Like I would much rather you set yourself up for success and say no to the things that don't work for you.
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Yes.
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That is real.
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That is real. So when you feel that anywhere on a date with someone you're hiring on a team, you should trust that feeling because it is something that we cannot, we have not explained with science yet. It's pheromones. It's the shape of your face. It's the feeling of your hand in mine. It's there is something happening chemically, physically, and you should trust it.
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Like, have you ever been led astray from that?
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This is weird. Of course, of course it is. Um, I knew I wanted to write books. I actually think of myself as a writer. I wanted to be a writer. I've always wanted to be a writer. When I started to be a writer in 2007, social media did not exist. Your job as a writer back then was to write books, and maybe if you were lucky, you had a three-month book tour.
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To be totally honest with you, I did not know I was signing up for this. I did not. If you had told me that being a writer would mean Sharing videos of my home and my personal life every day, I probably wouldn't have done it. I don't love that part of my job, to be honest with you. And so I know, though, that I have to share on video every day, every day, right?
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Okay, so she's leaning her head to one side with her cheek on her hand. First, immediately, a head tilt. A head tilt is a universal sign of engagement and warmth. She's giving me nurturing vibes. Don't you want to tell her all your problems? Like, I would guess she's a therapist or a life coach.
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To be able to get people to read my books. Which part of it don't you like? All of it. I mean, all of it. Which part do you hate the most? Trying to synthesize something very complicated into 60 seconds. I don't like it. I think communication is very complex, but I know it's essential to boil down a tip into a hook and then a framework. And I don't love that.
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And so, like, I am having far more negative experiences than the same person in the room, and that's genetic. But there is 30% to 40% potential for change. You want a better relationship? You want a raise? You want a promotion? You want more friends? The good news is anyone can learn these cues and techniques.
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And so when my career started to change, like I was writing books and then it was like, oh, it's, you know, 20% of your job is marketing. Now 30% of your job is marketing. Now 50% of your job is marketing. Now writing books is six months of writing and the rest of your life is marketing. I did not sign up for that. So I get up every day and I post videos on my stories and on my social media.
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And I do that to serve. I do not do that because I like it. And if I could skip it, I would. But I can't. That's how I'm able to write books. And so that is how I serve.
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Oh, my God. It was incredible.
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I feel like I met like 8 million new best friends. That's kind of what it felt like. I mean, as of now, I think the video is like 8 million. I don't even, that doesn't even count audio.
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And it really did feel like I found my people. I felt like literally it was like finding 8 million new friends where I met 8 million recovering awkward, trying to connect, trying to figure it out people who are like learners. And we were just flooded with love. And it re-energized everything that I do because I was like, I have got to help everyone. Like, I have got to be more helpful.
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And so, like, it was just such a gift. Like, thank you for giving me the space and asking the questions because I just have met the most amazing people.
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She has a watch on, which is a good ornament for competence, so she's probably a therapist or maybe a psychoanalyst. Probably has a degree. She also wears glasses. We like women in glasses and makeup for very competent. It actually ups our competence factor. By the way, this is just the research, not my opinion. And she has a sweater tied around her top, and that's very conservative.
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Oh.
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So I would say warm and nurturing could be a grandmother likely in a self-help profession.
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So some cues there we can learn from is we want to balance out the friendliness, the warmth, the approachability with the take me seriously. So you take her seriously because of her watch and her glasses and her lack of a smile. Those are all cues of competence. We like that. We also like those cues of warmth, head tilts, hand on face, and a soft smile.
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So in that way, it's a perfect balance or blend.
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Okay, so we are seeing a gentleman with no hands. So we see no hand gestures, just his face. He's also tilting his chin down and his forehead is forward. You also see a genuine smile. The best thing about this picture is he's doing an authentic smile because you can see those cheek muscles are activated. Upper zygomaticus. Terrible saying that, but these muscles are activated. So very likable.
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Oh, yeah. I like that. Good job. Yes. I love the smile. So we love that authentic smile. So he's very warm and approachable. He's also making eye contact with the camera. Slight head tilt. I would actually say this is very warm, almost too warm. If he is a doctor or a professor or someone who needs to be taken seriously… I don't know if I'd go to him with my problems.
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It's a lot of warmth for that photo. And by the way, I want to make this as helpful for folks at home. So think of your impression like a thermostat. You can dial up your trust and your approachability by adding cues. So if you want to add warmth or trust or likability, you can add a head tilt. You can show your hands. Movement is also one.
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So sometimes you'll see people who are like leaning their head over to the side or even in the process of a walk. That's why all those photographers use wind. Yeah. It actually adds like this weird element of warmth.
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If you want to dial up competence, power, if you want to be taken seriously, especially if you're in a career where you've been challenged or interrupted or not taken seriously or underestimated, you really want to dial up competence in your profile picture. Like the cover of my books, I am not smiling. And that is because I'm quite a smiley person and I want people to take me seriously.
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such as decoding the seven universal micro-expressions we all do unconsciously, how to spot a liar, the number one mistake people make in a first impression, and how to become a master communicator. Can I teach them to you? Please. Let's start with...
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So I made a choice to not smile on my covers.
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Look, I love it. Okay, this guy has a cat around his neck. And you know what? I love it. Why? Because if you love cats, you're going to love this guy. If you hate cats, you're going to swipe. We want to make people not like us with the ornaments we choose, right? Like I love when my husband wears a cowboy hat because certain people are going to love it. Some people aren't going to like it.
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He's going to find his people. We're in Austin, Texas. So it would be weird if you like wore it in London or something like that.
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Okay, so I do not like sunglasses in photos at all. And the reason for this is because research shows that we can produce oxytocin, which is the chemical of connection, even through a lens. When you can't see someone's eyes, it puts a little barrier in our head of like, I don't know. I don't know about this person. That's chemically your body being like, I cannot see her eyes.
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So I'm a hard no on sunglasses. This is like, she's very distant from me. Even though she has a beautiful smile, I can't see the upper cheek muscles and I can't see her eyes.
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You know, I haven't seen research on that. I've only seen research on sunglasses in photos. So I'm going to say in person I think it's okay. But I will say, like, have you ever been with someone and they, like, take off their glasses to see you better? Has that ever happened to you?
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It feels good.
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If you want to show someone, I'm going to really listen to you. Take off your glasses. Or roll up your sleeves. So there's also – we know this is a cue. It's like let's get into it. I often see like leaders when they're getting into the get into it part of their speech, they roll up their sleeves. Another one that I like is this one, rubbing your hands together. Okay.
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I've proven how helpful EMDR can be for PTSD and depression.
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No, but I don't know if my mother was incested. I know that my mother was very uptight about sex. And I wonder what happened to her. And her fainting... And my response to that means that I triggered something, but I don't know what I triggered. I would not jump to conclusions that my mother was an incident victim. Something happened to her, but I don't know what it is.
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It wasn't that you… Unbelievably uptight about sex. Terrified about sex.
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But that's me. I mean, people with autism or people with OCD... don't come to see me. And so I have a very narrow filter in a way of who comes to see me.
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The crux is not being acknowledged and honored for who they were as kids. That's the big thing is they were unseen and people did terrible things to them and nobody seemed to bother the protector.
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Terrible things is being beaten up, being sexually molested, having their bones broken.
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Also words. One of my patients, mother cat, said to her all the time, oh, you'll never have friends. If people really get to know you, they will all reject you because you're such a terrible person. That's pretty good. Who said that? Well, mother of 100 people I'm treating. But it would not be an unusual thing to say. People do terrible things to kids.
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Yeah. You see it in supermarkets and parking lots and stuff like that.
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You see people abusing their kids, saying terrible things to their kids.
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Yeah, that's an interesting cultural issue. That is sort of how my parents' and grandparents' generation saw their kids. And then people who grew up in Northern Europe completely changed their attitude. Now you go to jail if you hit your kids in Sweden, for example. I think me in Holland also, not in the U.S. So people have really changed their mind.
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But in the U.S., when they talk about the downside of... of physical punishment of their kids. Oftentimes, particularly black people will say, I want to raise my children knowing about right and wrong, and the Bible says I need to punish my children, and that's what I'm doing, and you should not subvert the teachings of my church. And they don't argue with that because at least not straight on.
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And they are horrendous stories, actually.
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And your perception may change. My perception about my life and who I became has changed quite a bit over time as layers come open. But what you talk about, that things were predictable, is very important. My parents also were predictables. which is enormously helpful for at least for you to anticipate, to know what you are supposed to do, et cetera, et cetera. Chaos is a terrible thing.
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um it was predictable yeah so i knew that if i and i understood why i was being punished so i kicked i was playing football in the house and broke ornaments yeah or something like that it was never unpredictable right but something comes to my mind as you're talking is that same visits that my parents finally came um i had a three-year-old daughter at the time we're staying at a house
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And I put my parents on the first floor right next to the main bathroom. And then my three-year-old daughter went to that bathroom that was next to my parents' bedroom. And my mother came out and yelled at me, said, how dare she use our bathroom? You should punish her. And I almost did it. I had an immediate impulse, I should punish my three-year-old.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I started to walk towards, oh my God, I'm about, I feel like crying. Oh my God, I feel I'm about to reenact what my parents did to me. And I made a decision. No, mom, she is allowed to use his bathroom. And I set the limit on my mom, which was a transformative experience for me to actually realize that I'm about to repeat what was done to me, which people do routinely.
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And I was about to meet my daughter.
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It's actually, I'm surprised how much emotion comes up talking about it, yeah.
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Because it allowed me to have a life. Much of life is automatic. But you can make a choice to do things differently. You start owning yourself. And that's the moment I started to own. I'm responsible for my kids. I'm going to follow what I think is right. It's a really moment of liberation, but also a moment of separation. Like I will not be like you.
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Because you don't have to follow it.
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Your kids will drive you crazy. Because kids do. And at that point, I think having kids has been a great learning experience in life. We all... None of us knows what we're doing. And then the kids teach us how to read. Very important teachers for how do you deal with this? Because it's very challenging. What did you learn from your children? Oh, I learned a lot from my kids.
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For one thing, so my firstborn was just easy and loving and And she now is gender ambiguous and just divorced her husband to be with a woman. So that was completely transformed in her case. And to see go through that journey with her like, wow, wow, wow, wow. And my son was a neurotypical child, very out of control much of the time. many physical reactions, very bright,
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staying in bed, only playing computer games. He's grown up to be one of the most loving, thoughtful adult parents you can hope to meet. So both my kids have become very different people who I thought they were, but I have a very good relationship with both of them, even though I really don't quite understand either of them.
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I have been interested in how people survive extreme situations, how people can overcome the history of people doing terrible things to each other. And how we can create a better world in that regard, actually.
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Well, that is what saved my son because I am a psychiatrist and I know people. about how these labels are little crutches that never quite capture what somebody is suffering from. And people started wanting to put my son on medications because, but I was a psychopharmacologist. I really studied drugs and what they can and cannot do. And it was very clear that they were not helping him.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I didn't have to submit to authority as most parents would do and say, oh, my doctor says this and this and this. I say, I'm a doctor. I know about brains and I know about kids. And I don't know what the hell is going on with my kids. But he doesn't have bipolar disorder and he is not going to respond to lithium.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so both my kids were major inspirations for really exploring what was good for them. And I'm particularly grateful for my son who was such a really very scary kid in many ways. that my wife, whom I'm now divorced from, she was really great also in terms of exploring what might be helpful.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so, what I really got to also be aware of is the issue of privilege, that I made enough money that we could spend a lot of time trying to find things that would help my son. If we had lived in a housing project, my son would have been a terrible misfit. But because we were able to give him so much support and care by exploration, that he actually found a way of arranging his mental state.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, and that's a very big issue. It's not really my area of expertise. But, you know, giving drugs to kids is potentially very dangerous because you interfere with natural processes of brain growth.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah. So if you give people medication that changes certain chemicals in their brain at the developmental phase, it may actually... change the way that the brain gets formed and may not allow, as happened with my son, who was able to compensate for many things and his brain was able to learn how to react differently. If you suppress all of that, your brain may not learn these new adaptations.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You think we should be looking at social conditions before we look at... Social conditions, physical conditions, movement, touch, synchrony, music... So in our world, we got stuck in Western people are allowed to do things. They can do one thing is they can, what I call, take a swig. And that makes you feel better.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So the mission has been rather social, but the investigation has been very much based on what we're learning about brain science, what we're learning about psychological functioning, et cetera, et cetera.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So that's part of our respected tradition is taking a chemical to change the way you feel. And anybody who says you should take that chemical, nobody ever say you're crazy. And the other thing that Western people are very good at is yakking. So let's talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and understand things. And then I like to tell people stories that the first time I went to
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Beijing in 1992, and China was still very poor and deprived and miserable and coming back from the Cultural Revolution, and nobody could talk about anything. No, nothing happened on the mile. No, nothing happened. No, Tiananmen Square didn't happen. It didn't happen. And China was filled with every park then as now is filled with people doing Qigong and Tai Chi.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I go down into the park and do Qigong with the Chinese. What's that? Qigong, the Chinese movement stuff. And I do that and I go like, oh my God, that's how they survive by making these Qigong Tai Chi movements. Which if you do it in Boston, people say you're crazy. But in China, you cannot talk. You can calm that body down by the way you move.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I became very interested in how cultures around the world actually have very different ways of helping people to regulate their physiology and their synchronicity.
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The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You become how people see you. You become how people see you. Yeah. So if you're a kid, and most people, most kids, their parents find being cute, or if it's a grandparent, they say, oh, you're cute. You're lovely. You're so sweet. And no kid is able to say, I'm just average. Look at the billion kids in the world. I'm not any cuter than anybody else. No.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
When the kids get told you're really cute, that is your reality. And if your kids get told you're really ugly and nasty and mean, that becomes their identity. So you really become how people treat you early on in your life. And there's a very big legacy that I, as a therapist, deal with is these imprints of early experience, which are very difficult to change.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yes, that is the great news. And also the amazing news is that even though we know how to do some of that, we're not going there.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Absolutely.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That's my assumption. I see people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I really think that if given a chance and given the resources, you can pretty much do something for everybody. But the problem is, again, we go back to where we started before the microphone was on, is that our focus these days is on productivity and behavioral change and not in how do we find out how to help you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
All the things that I describe in my book, almost most of the things that I describe in my book as being helpful, and that was 10 years ago, I know some other things since that time, are unconventional methods that do not get practiced in mainstream psychology and psychiatry.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Because they need to be productive, and they need to be cheap, and whether you get better or not doesn't matter, but you're cheap is the main motivation. I think the profit motive is killing good practice.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And it became a meme, which is an interesting thing to see.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It's really that trauma is a visceral experience. What does the visceral mean? In your body. Heartbreak and gut wrench. You stiffen up. You feel. Subventa, you lose your power. You tighten up. That's really where trauma is lived.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Right. You could. But I do a lot of CBT with my wife, let's say.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I point out her irrational behavior. And then she should really see things from a different angle. And then I should really see things correctly. And I barely have much success with that. And I'm a bit surprised that psychology does things that most spouses have failed in using very well.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, there has been evolution, which is quite striking. And when I first started to study trauma, I was on the research floor at Harvard, and my colleagues said, why are you studying trauma? When you croak, nobody will ever talk about trauma again. Like, this is a completely alien subject. And now everybody talks, everything is a trauma.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Somatic approach is to really experience what your body feels. And also allowing your body to do things that it has been afraid to do and to explore how your body moves through the world in some ways.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, I think it's an intriguing question because it's not exclusively women. Of course, men have always done it in armies. and basic training and the military.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And what's intriguing to me is that, you know, when people join the military, they oftentimes are not very well put together people and they go through basic training and they really march together, they sing with people and they climb barricades and they go through,
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
composite physical experience with other people, at the end of 12 weeks they feel competent and they feel connected and they have found a band of brothers. How do they do it? Not by yakking, but by having very deep shared physical experiences.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Often.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And we don't know how often that is, but I get to meet quite a few of them.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I could.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That's true. That's true. Yeah. But, you know, but those are the people who managed to get into my practice. And the people who don't find the solutions don't have the wherewithal and the capacity to make it into therapy with me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Getting drugs, lying on the streets, et cetera, et cetera. And to a large degree, I see it as an issue of accident. You know, this past year I visited a program in Los Angeles called Homeboy Industries. It's a program for formerly incarcerated, largely Latin men who had no fathers who had been criminals. And it's a spectacular program where they honor, they say, what do you need?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
How can we take care of you? How can we make a safe place for you? And I saw a real treatment there, St. Quentin Hospital, St. Quentin Prison, famous prison in California. It's now trauma-based. I use my book as a protector.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And they're transforming people's lives by acknowledging the reality of what they dealt with, helping people to be part of the healing system, working in groups, working with movement. Like it's in Quinton, they have hula dancing classes. I go like, yeah. Yeah. Moving together with other people gives you a sense of connection, a sense of pleasure.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
They're really beginning to understand you can do it. At the Harvard Hospital, you wouldn't do the whole
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so from being non-existent has become a total explanatory mode. And so we have gone, as we always do, from one extreme to the other. And my primary interest these days is not so much into trauma. Trauma started it, but somewhere along the line, I got to realize that trauma is to a large degree a breakdown of connection between human beings and synchronicity between other human beings.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I know certainly plenty of people have had, plenty of people working for me who really get paralyzed in the face of challenges and who don't have a solution and become very dependent on getting them action. So I think she has a bit of an unusual sample, actually.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You develop a mind and brain to fit with that particular situation. And if that particular situation doesn't help, you need to find new solutions. And so trauma and abuse really forces you to try to find other solutions. But many of them are not successful.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, trauma is a perception in your brain.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
What's the difference? So the issue is something happens and your brain and mind takes it in and then makes an adaptation to that particular event. That depends on how old you are and the circumstances. And it's very different for different people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
If you would beat me up right now, I'd go... And I can call people and ruin your reputation, et cetera. If I'm three years old and you start hitting me as a kid, I don't know what the hell to do about it. And I'll likely think I did something wrong that I caused the guy to beat me up and I'm a terrible person. And no wonder that he beat me up because I'm a horrible creature.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And that's what almost everybody who I know who was beaten as a child did. That's the internal understanding of it. Not when you're eight years old or 15 years old, but when you're very young, that becomes your experience.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah. Your brain creates a map of the world. In very deep ways. And so your experiences form an internal waster of the world that makes you expect certain things at certain times. So if I walk into a room and I see a person who looks like my old uncle who he has to play with, I start signing up to you because you on the deep level might be of that very nice uncle that I once had.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I don't know that, but my brain is set to interpret the world in a particular way. So one of the things most profound research experiences I had was purely accidental. We started to do Rorschach tests on people. What's that? Inkblot tests. So you show some formless ink picture, and we showed it to people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And we saw that people had completely different interpretations of what they projected on that inkblot test. And that really brought home to me that we all are living in different worlds. And like a lot of the Vietnam veterans I saw, saw bloody corpses or mutilated bodies in those cards. People who had never been in combat didn't see that. Rape victims saw torn vaginas and torn bodies.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Other people didn't see this. So once that becomes lodged into your perceptual system, you continue to interpret the world in that particular way having to do with what you have the answer in the past.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That's all it is.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But it's been analyzed on about 100,000 people over the years. So there are certain patterns you can detect in it, yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I learned as much from my inkblot test as I learned from my brain imaging. But the brain imaging is respectable, and the mind has sort of disappeared. But, for example, in our psychedelic research, I still very much hope to do in-blood tests because, as Michael Pollan says, how do you change your mind? But we're not measuring how people change their minds.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And these days I'm much more focused on how we can help people establish a relationship to themselves and to the people around them.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You know, the figures are a quarter of people get physically abused, one out of five people get sexually abused, one out of eight kids witnesses violence being their parents, et cetera, et cetera. So, you know… If I sit in a room, it's not a binary issue. It's not either you were traumatized or you didn't get traumatized.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But when I talk to a room of professionals, which I do a lot, I assume that at least half the group viscerally knows what trauma means.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Not necessarily. I can see how your brain may be different from other people's brains. I may take a particular population, you can average it out, and you can say, oh, there's a little more activation of the periaqueductal gray, a little bit less of the white insulin. So you see certain patterns of connectivity in the brain.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But to some degree, you know, I think we learn a lot about the brain, but we don't know much about the brain. And I think people tend to overstate how much the brain pictures can teach us. You know, I love the Hubble telescope or the Webb telescope.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You know, our brain is like a universe and our technology is very inadequate to really know about all the unbelievably complex connections the brain has. But we have learned a few things in the last 20.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It affects the brain that you tend to... There's one part of your brain that I call the cockroach center of your brain, the periaxial gray that lights up. It's underneath the amygdala. Everybody knows the word amygdala these days. The part of your brain that tells you that you're in danger.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But you're traumatized, you're likely that that little part of your brain, way back in your brainstem, is firing all the time. All the time you go like, I'm in danger, I'm in danger, I'm in danger. And that's where it starts, in a very elementary sensory level. You don't know what the danger is, but you just feel that you should be scared. And then there's certain...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Other parts of your brain, for example, your insula, which makes the connection with your physical sensations and your body awareness, that for many people gets shut down because the experience of trauma is a visceral experience of heartbreak and gut-wrench. And if you have a lot of that, you can learn to shut that part of your brain down so you don't feel your body so much anymore.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You don't feel your body so much. You don't feel very alive either. You don't feel so scared all the time. But it's likely that you will want to take some drugs to make yourself feel alive sometimes. Stuff like that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
The dysfunction is that it keeps firing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And how does that make you feel? And on the amygdala, so there's a constant sense of subliminal dread.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Anxiety is already too high a mental function. Okay. It's more elementary. It's like your dog shaking. My daughter has adopted a dog. And two years later, the dog still walks to my house.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
People are being taught methods that they say can cure people in eight sessions, which they can't. And so there still is, what people learn in school these days, although no good clinician I know actually practices that, is to help people's thinking out. to straighten out people's thinking and to make them not think these crazy thoughts like. And there really is no evidence that we can do that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, yeah. But still never quite comfortable. And that's how many times you meet her, never quite comfortable.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Now, trigger is in the higher level thing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So then the next level is indeed the trigger that is in part mediated by the amygdala. If your amygdala is your smoke detector, that tends to become hypersensitive. Okay. So that minor things get blown up and a minor thing that you may say to me, I take as the most insulting thing in the world.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so you're constantly triggered by things and that makes you feel like you are doing terrible things to me. And it's not like I'm hypersensitive, and when you have an off day, that is your issue and not my issue. No, when you have an off day, I feel your off day, and we start getting into trouble together.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That is one particular guy, and nobody is exactly the same as everybody else.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But basically, what you see here is... This is a guy who is reliving a terrible car accident he was involved in. What you see here is that the right posterior part of the brain, this temporal parietal junction on the right side of the brain fires, and that's the feeling part of your brain. So you go, oh my God, oh my God. I'm terrified. But there's no cognition.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Basically, the left side of the brain shuts down. So when you're in your trauma, you're not a reasonable person. You actually become a little bit of a blubbering idiot. All of us, when we really are angry, upset, are not very articulate. But we have a lot of feelings. And then the piece that I showed is that As this guy is reliving his trauma, these two parts of the brain go offline.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
This is the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. That's the part of the brain that's the timekeeper of your brain. So if something unpleasant happens between us, let's say, I'll go, oh, it's another half hour and I'll be okay. So let me just put up with this. But when you get traumatized, the timekeeper disappears. And this is all there is.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You lose your sense of perspective and that is what happens in your trauma. You don't know the difference between the past and the present because the timekeeper of your brain goes offline and whatever you're feeling is real as opposed to feeling like a memory.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So that's part of the system in the brain that gives you a sense of time.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And as long as you have a sense, it's like little babies don't have a sense of time either. Whatever happens, it happens totally. And you see a child slowly grow and they get a sense of perspective. It's happening right now, but tomorrow it will be different.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It is about having the perspective of this is happening right now, right now I'm really scared, but the moment I go home, the moment I call my friend, I'll feel better. So you need to have that capacity for perspective, and that perspective goes offline when you're in your trauma, and you become a trauma-dispersed.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, no. Specifically his car accident.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
What did you see? What did you hear? What did you smell? What were you thinking? Very specific sensory details. Not somebody else's sensory details.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, the right side of the brain became very active. But what got inactivated was the timekeeper of his brain. So he could not lie there and say, oh, I'm remembering what happened to me yesterday. He's reliving what happened yesterday. Instantly? You feel like it's happening right now. And that's the nature of trauma. Trauma is not a memory. It's a reliving.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Is that cognitive behavioral therapy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cognitive restructuring sort of thing. Or you can get people better by blasting them with trauma and then before long they get desensitized to a trauma. And I think both of these methods are just, they don't get it. That completely doesn't get the issue at hand, actually. Why? I cannot talk you into being a reasonable person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You feel like it's happening right now. With all forms of trauma? It's happening right now, but my feeling is happening right now.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You don't know that the feelings actually belong to the time that your dad used to beat you. It is now I feel the same way because I disagree with you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so people are confused about it. They say, oh, you relive the past. No, actually, you're not aware that you relive the past because the past is the present. So you don't think, oh, this reminds me about a time that my dad used to beat me when I was four years old. No, it feels like you are beating me right now.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, he's done quite well.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
He did EMDR, actually. Eye Movement Desensitization.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
He is an all right guy. He's functioning. He's fine. He's no longer a traumatized person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
are really people really coming to life, people just saying it's over.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
A good example is the videotape I showed you yesterday of a woman, again, terrible car accident, freezing, upset, freaked out. And then three sessions later, we go talk about it. She says, yeah. This shitty thing happened to me. I was in this car accident and I jolted for it and my head was swollen. And boy, it was terrible back then.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But now I have a granddaughter and I drive my car to my granddaughter and I'm fine. Three sessions it took. Three sessions, yeah. And we saw it in psychedelic therapy all the time.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Wiggle your fingers in front of people's eyes. For me, EMDR was really the gateway drug. I've written three books about PTSD. I actually wrote the very first book in which the word PTSD exists in 84 or something. But they didn't know how to treat it. So I'm a world-renowned expert, but I have no idea how to treat it because people keep reliving their trauma and they don't know how to stop that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And somebody starts telling me about EMDR and I don't believe a word of it. And they say, yes, you move your fingers in front of people's eyes. I mean, you move your eye from side to side as you relive the trauma. And I go, that's crazy. Everybody who hears it, that's crazy. And then people start doing it and they show me how it works. I go like, wow.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And people indeed, a certain sub-sample of people we studied, indeed, after a few sessions of EMDR, go like, yeah, that really sucked. But it's over. It belongs to the past. It's not happening right now.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, then, of course, we had to do a little research, which took us 15 years to get enough funding to do it, to see what happens when you move your eyes back and forth. And then we discovered that if you move your eyes back and forth, as you recall traumatic experiences, you activate certain pathways between the temporal-parietal junction, which is your sense of self,
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
People are not reasonable people. And trauma is as unreasonable as it can be. That's really at the core of, if you understand trauma, is that your brain and perceptual system gets rewired so you see things almost entirely through the past experience rather than current experience.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
and your insula, which is essentially your body. So your brain is able to say, oh yeah, this is what happened to me, but it happened to me in the past. So these are pathways that makes it possible for your brain to make that distinction.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Oh, in terms of, in our research, 78% of the people who had adult onset trauma, so being assaulted or raped by a stranger, 78% of them were completely cured. But that's not the majority of people we see because most people we see have early childhood trauma, which is much more complicated to treat.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, because your early childhood experiences create who you are. So if you go to a fancy college when you're 18, you do become identified with that college, but it doesn't radically change you into a new person. It becomes part of your identity. But if you grow up in a certain family early on in your life, you actually become that. The imprint is very deep early on.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I could. Can I move my chair?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So can you bring to mind a rather unpleasant experience you've had not too long ago? Yeah. And can you bring to mind what you saw at that point?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Can you remember what the voices sounded like at that point? Or whatever it was. Any sounds come to mind? Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember what your body felt like back then? Yeah. Can you remember what you were thinking or bring to mind what you were thinking? Yeah. Okay. So how vivid is your feeling right now of recollecting it?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Okay. So stay there. Now follow my finger with your eyes. So look at me right now.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So what comes to your mind right now as we're doing this?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Okay. So when you go back to what you were just feeling, what's it like now?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That is the weird stuff.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, see, that is what's so great about his work. We don't know the linearity. And we don't know where the hell the emotional imprint is gone now. But it is. And, you know, of course, if you bring up something much worse than what you had going to, it takes much longer and a lot of other stuff comes up. But somehow EMDR seems to do, it creates new associative processes in the brain.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Trauma is a speechless experience. So we did the first neuroimaging study about people reliving their trauma, and we saw that the entire cognitive part of their brain disappears. That when you're in your trauma, you're just one ball of emotion, and there's no thinking. So you're confused, you're befuddled. It is, as Shakespeare says, you suffer from speechless terror. You become dumbfounded.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So let's say, first some people did EMDR on me. Something really very, very nasty had happened to me. And I started off being very upset. And then during the EMDR, I don't know if this happened to you, I had images of sitting at my dining room table as a kid. And I had images of playing in a playground in primary school. Don't come in my mind. And then we stopped it. And indeed, so...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Your early childhood experiences create who you are.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, that really sucked. Time to go on. An important part of this, you did not tell me what you were going through. No. Because I'm suspicious of language because language is always an interactive process. And if I would ask you to tell me what happened, you will filter yourself because certain things may be embarrassing or you don't want me to know about it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so we circumvent this whole verbal process of your making meaning out of it and we reorganize some core ways in which your brain is perceiving this. So you saw a little bit of this in a minor way. For me, when I first saw this, I was blown away by it and thought, I need to study this. So when they quoted studies, the main study was done by me. NIH funded it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But it was also the last time that somebody could fund it for EMDR.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It makes perfect sense. Why? For one thing, it's been used since time immemorial in certain cultures. People always discover it. In India, people know it. Northern Europe, nobody knows about breathwork. And so these are culturally dependent things. I think the closest may know it. I don't know. Go out there and see if people know it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so people are so conformist to be approved of by their teachers and their peers. that when people do something innovative, they tend to very quickly be like, oh, they're cookie, they're crazy. I really got into body work and I've not done breath work myself, but I hear about it from people. So it's perfectly legitimate to me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But when we do something new, like I was the first person who started yoga for PTSD. And people go like, putting your butt in the air and twisting your spine and press up for trauma. I said, well, let's find out. And so we did the study. And it turned out that yoga was very effective for treatment of PTSD. But the overwhelming reaction of my academic colleagues was, oh, there he goes again.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
He's gone off the deep end. And now yoga is pretty well accepted.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, you don't treat trauma. Yoga to treat your relationship to your body. not the same thing. But trauma really distorts your relationship to your body. And what our research also shows is that when you start doing yoga, certain brain areas that tend to get dampened by trauma come to life.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
This is a tiny study. What you see here is that after doing yoga, your insula gets more activated. Your insula is the... And the place in your brain that makes you know what your body feels. Like when it rains and you have no raincoat on, you go, I better get an umbrella. So that you need to know what your body experiences and needs and anticipates.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, trauma is a real living, and whatever you're feeling is real, as opposed to feeling like a memory. But in our research, you discover that if you move your eyes back and forth, as you recall traumatic experiences, your brain is able to say, this is what happened to me in the past. And 78% of the people we studied who had adult onset trauma were completely cured.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So the whole traumatic experience is just beyond belief. And so you stay in a state of confusion and agitation. And then finding language for yourself at this point is terribly important to help you to begin to organize your relationship to yourself. It's not enough, but language and defining your inner experience is terribly important.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And that dimension of self-experience tends to get very damaged by trauma. The reason for that is it's an adaptive thing because trauma is so relived in visceral experiences. As Darwin said, heartbreaking gut-wrench is the visceral sensations. And so if you're constantly heartbroken and gut-wrenched, you try to pull that down. And so you lose contact with your body.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
as a defensive maneuver of feeling overwhelmed by these physical sensations.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You are out of touch with your feeling. You feel numbed out. Or disconnected. You don't feel alive. You don't feel connected. You can't feel pleasure.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And you feel hypersensitive.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
There's always these two contradictory things that coexist. Remembering too much and remembering too little. Feeling too much and feeling too little. There is no happy medium. You go from one extreme to another. You're agitated and non-doubt at the same time. And I bet you know what it's like because we all have been there. We feel agitated and at the same time we feel completely nothing at all.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And there's almost no mind there. And I think it's a very uncommon human experience.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
The insula plays a big role in that and many other brain structures.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yoga makes it possible for you to reconnect your senses in a way, to feel what you feel and to make it safe what you feel. So as we go to a yoga studio with a A teacher with a nice voice who really helps you to not take a deep breath, stretch out your arms, feel that warrior three pose. And then you start feeling it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And for many people, doing yoga can be actually quite agitating, scary actually in a way. For traumatized people, we see it all the time, is that something gets triggered. and you start getting upset just doing a simple down dog, let's say. Or certainly the yoga pose that all sexual abuse victims have great trouble with is the happy baby pose.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Happy baby pose is when you put your feet in the air, you lie on your back, you hold your toes and you spread your legs wide so your pelvis is up against the air. For most of us, that's a very pleasant pose, makes you relaxed. If you're a sexual abuse survivor, that's going to trigger a lot of stuff.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah. And you have to be very careful doing that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It's triggering. And so because these positions may be triggering, you may hold your body in a frozen position in order not to trigger those feelings of sexual abuse.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Oh, absolutely.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I told you I was a sickly child. I was really sickly until I had asthma when I was 13. And I think the most helpful thing I ever did was rolfing. Rolfing is a very intense form of massage where they sort of tear your muscles from your fascia. And I came to live in a new body. I no longer live frozen in that body of this little child who almost died.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It had a profound effect on me as much as anything I've ever done.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Because you get stuck in habits. In a way, trauma becomes a habit. My habit is that when I see a phone guy in a room, I get scared. Hypothetical situation. And so you have habitual responses. And part of what you do therapy for is to get to realize your habitual responses and become curious about it. Like, you know, whenever a person like that comes to the room, I freeze and I sound like an idiot.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And your therapist says, so what happens to your body? And how long have you felt this way? You feel this way when you were six or three or eight. And then at some point people get a narrative that may begin to explain it. And that narrative may say, oh, I was bullied by somebody. And that feeling comes back when I meet somebody who reminds me of my bully.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And then you go like, have you ever tried martial arts? see what it would be like for you to actually learn to use your body to fight somebody. And that's, for example, a treatment that I have never studied, but I was amazed how many of my close colleagues who were very much into trauma tell me at some point, oh, and now I have to go to my martial arts class.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And nobody sees that as a legitimate way of dealing with what they're dealing with. But I think people are doing their martial arts because they have memories of being victimized. And it gives me a visceral experience of my body can defend itself. My body, I can use my body to take care of myself. And that's not the intellectual process. That's the visceral experience.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I think they're describing two things. We pick up each other's energy. There's such a thing as the mirror neuron system, which hasn't received much attention in the past few years, but I think it's a very important invention that I pick up your energy. And if, let's say, you're depressed, but you have a job to do, so to talk with me today,
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Trauma really is an overwhelming experience of, oh, my God. When something happens and you're completely helpless and there's nothing in you that knows how to deal with it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
it's very likely that I, on some level, will pick up your depression and it will affect our conversation. I'm not saying that I do. That's a hypothetical thing. But we pick up each other's energy. And so we may be somebody who is very angry, but who's trying to behave themselves very well. But you may pick up that anger. And that's really a very complicated stuff in psychotherapy.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Am I picking up your energy or am I picking up my energy? And so if I feel uncomfortable in your presence, is that because you're triggering something in me about my past Or am I picking something up about you? And that is the complexity of our interactions.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
About 90%. And it's very difficult to change.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I think that makes perfect sense to me. Because we are primates. Something that came up in your interview with Trevor, the deep degree to which we're interconnected creatures, that we really don't exist as individuals. So we are meant to live in troops. We're meant to be with other people. And so what is... safe with other people becomes a critical issue of our survival.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
The reason that humans have survived is not because of your individual gifts or mine. It's because we can band together and build buildings and airplanes and all sorts of stuff. It's all communal things. So it's not central in our science anymore today, but it's at the core if you understand human beings. We are a collective bunch of creatures who collectively create something.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so knowing how to do that and how to adjust to each other is at the core of who we are then.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Huge, huge issue. Screens as virtual realities is our biggest challenge, I think.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Because screens give you a virtual reality of pleasure, et cetera, et cetera, but it's not real and it's not a product of your efforts of doing something. You get a cheap reward, but ordinarily it takes a lot of activity. And so you get your little dopamine rush And it feels like you had the experience, but you don't learn how to get along with other people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You don't learn that visceral reaction of pleasure, of we are friends.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Everything. Critical. And there's another thing that is troublesome about the development of our field, namely in our generation, Thomas, who started with experiences like mine, worked with combat veterans. I'm not a combat veteran. I was a conscientiously objected during the Vietnam War. I don't know anything about the U.S. Marine Corps. And so I couldn't have told people what it was like.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But they were in groups. They talked to each other. And they learned about what it's like to be a combat veteran from each other. And the moment they made this connection with each other, they would become a band of brothers. And that's how people survive trauma, by bonding with other people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, you need to be more accurate. But the small T trauma is a very real trauma when your environment around you doesn't acknowledge your existence. Most people, for example, after natural disasters do very well. Because people get together after natural disasters. I've seen it. We have a cabin in northern Vermont. We've had terrible floods. The neighbors get together. They help each other.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, I think so. Although, no, that's not entirely true. I learned a lot about love from my combat veterans. To some degree. I think most human beings don't know what love is until you know what it's like to be in combat together with other people. It creates an enormously deep, deep bond between people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So I know something about male love more from working with combat wrestlers than anything else. When you're in great danger, guys are there for each other. They really protect each other. They really look after each other.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It's danger. The natural instinct when you are in danger. You and I become much better friends than we are. If something bad happened to us right now, we'd start clinging to each other.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
You need each other, yeah. You need each other and you count on each other and you have each other's back. And you're saying to me, I have your back. Us making commitment to each other is a very profound human experience. You don't get that from a screen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, but, you know, I have friends who went to Eton. Actually, so the definition for me of many Englishmen is your mother hates you and sends you off to boarding school when you're six years old and never looks after you anymore. And what helped my friends who went to the public schools in England was sports. Enormously powerful.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
People felt really close to each other, moving together, throwing balls together, fighting in the field. That additionally has been the way that guys get close together.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That may ring a bell with you somewhere.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I bet you still make easy contact with your friends who you played football with 20 years ago. No, 30 years ago. Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I think that's the big challenge. Actually, we have a foundation now. And the main thing that we're interested in is in finding funding for projects like that. of how do you help people to connect to each other, be in sync with each other. We're very much into people making music together, making theater together, creating projects together. That is who we are.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That is our glory as human beings, is this collaborative, active, physical creation of things. And that sort of has not been part of mental health. We talk and we give pills, but we don't really connect people on a very deep level.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Not after the last election, no.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I'm very desperate after the election, yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Because the last election was based on uttering. You are different projection. You're evil. These immigrants come and kill us and they project their own discomfort themselves on people from different religions and different skin colors, et cetera, et cetera. It's all projection of people's own discomfort with themselves. And there's no honesty about the problem is inside of me and not you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yes, that is the great news. But the problem is, the focus is not on helping people. The focus is on running successful financial organizations. And even though I was the first person to study yoga for PTSD, which was very effective, and then there's psychotrauma and neurofeedback, where our results were stunning. People are so conformist, we already know
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And you get a sense of cohesion, actually, and a sense of meaning. We're doing this together. The small T traumas have to do with not acknowledging what's going on with you. Saying to kids, stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. No, you don't matter.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That's, uh, let's leave it at that. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think, no, you're an obvious psychopath who doesn't give a shit about anybody else.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Anybody who goes to China and says, I've been received better than anybody else in Chinese history, is a fool. The guy's gone bankrupt any number of times. He says terrible things to other people. He insults other people all the time. I'm sure there's something good about him. Ivanka seems to have loved him at some point. He's a terrible person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Step one is tell me about yourself. Who are you? What do you value? What is working? what you want to work, and what gets in the way. So at start off, really, language is terribly important. I don't make a list of how screwed up you are. I help to create a DSM at some point, in a very minor role, but the DSM is not a good way of starting off. Namely, how sick are you?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I want to know who you are, what is working, what isn't working, what has helped you, what hasn't helped you, what gets in the way. And so we create a map together of who you are and to some degree who you are in relation with me. And I would check a lot with people about, is this helping you? So I don't prescribe. At some point, I may say, well, have you thought about doing some martial arts?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
We should be interested in going to a yoga studio. But by and large, I give very little advice. But I help people to discover what's going on and where that leads them in a way.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That is another tricky thing. And that is something in my book, I tried to do that and I failed. And in my new book, I'm not doing very much better. I would see how agitated you get, how much you stay in focus. And if I would see that whenever a particular subject comes up, I see you're getting agitated or shut down, I would focus on that particular experience.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, actually, your dad is a drunk because you are such a difficult kid that your father was doing okay until you came into the family and you were too much for him and you caused him to be the person that he is. I think that people mean small t trauma. It's relational trauma, which is a very big deal for most of the people I get to see in my practice.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And if I would see that you are sort of chronically agitated, unable to focus, I would say, let's just do something. You should do something that's helped to calm your body, your brain down. And I'd say, when you're sort of overall overwhelmed, let's start with yoga. or Qigong or whatever makes sense to you in terms of how to move your body. And I'd probably do neurofeedback.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Neurofeedback is you hook your skull up to electrodes that can harvest underlying brainwaves so you can project your brain activity on a computer screen and then you can play computer games with your own brainwaves to Organize your brainwaves in a way that you can be more focused and pay more attention.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, no, anxiety is very focused thinking.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But it depends on where it is. So the back of your brain is supposed to have these slow waves because your back of the brain is dealing with the housekeeping of your body. The back of your brain tells you you have to breathe a little bit more, you have to go to the bathroom, you have to eat, you have to...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So bodily regulation, a very large part of your brain is about your body regulation, which gets messed up in a major way by trauma. So, for example, when you close your eyes, your brain is supposed to develop nice, slow waves to tell you, I'm feeling peaceful.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
When you're traumatized, when they ask you to close your eyes, it is very likely that the back of your brain will get agitated and create much faster waves than you should. And so you get a sense of agitation the moment you close your eyes, which scores very detrimental to your health.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So my job then becomes how to train your brain so that when you close your eyes, your back of your brain becomes very calm, for example. Again, this is not about trauma. It's about brain organization. So trauma leads to brain organization, but you don't treat the trauma, you treat the brain disorganization.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Some people these days say, I think it would be very good for you to have a psychedelic experience.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, because I have done the research now and our results were really quite stunning. Much better than I ever expected, actually. But I may tell you, no, you're not ready for psychedelics. I think you should really do some neurofeedback and some body practices to live more in your body before we start blowing your mind open.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Massages.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, I happen to know some very good body people who, if you have been beaten up or molested, human touch tends to become very complicated. And so you may not feel comforted by human touch. And other humans may not have a calming effect on your body, which is really what we're supposed to have in each other. So learning to live in a body that can be touched It's quite important.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Most people come in not because of big T traumas. It is because nobody saw me. Nobody heard me. I was irrelevant. We always had to take care of my mom or my dad, but there was no room for us.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Oh, absolutely. You don't have kids yet? No. Well, you have a girlfriend.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Touch is an elemental human comfort thing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It's understanding, insight, et cetera.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, basically, I'm such a cerebral person, so I'm very suspicious of that piece. That's, you know, explaining things, understanding things, is not my greatest handicap. So I tend to downplay that, the importance of that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, I started life off as a psychopharmacologist. I did the first studies ever on Prozac and Zorro for PTSD. And so they're not bad. They can be helpful to people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, it's a very important piece. And I very much think that's a very big missing piece in the therapy, mental health, and medical field in general to give people experiences of connection and pleasure. That's terribly important.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But when I wrote this book before I got into psychedelic therapies, I would add another dimension of experiences that really blow your mind, that really allow you to have an alternate reality experience also.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But that tends to become a very solitary experience also. You're sitting in a little treadmill watching Fox News. It's not my ideal of trauma treatment.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But that's interesting. Like one of my close colleagues, former friend, is a weightlifter. And she really is very... committed that lifting weights can be extremely helpful for trauma. And when she says that, I'm sure that's true for her. And I wonder for how many other people that's true.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
The trouble is that in their current system, you're not going to get the money to study weightlifting for trauma. Even though you say it's helpful for you, my friend Mariah says it's helpful. I go like, interesting. Let's see for how many people it's helpful.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, but that gesture is not the right gesture. Like, oh, you're just doing that because.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
As if you're being dismissive instead of saying, good for you, you're doing that because you felt so helpless and you want to build up your body. Interesting. My association is that I testified on behalf of many people who were abused by Catholic priests and almost to a person that had become weightlifters and bodybuilders.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Clearly for the reason that you also mentioned, they were just trying to bulk up to feel a sense of agency and power, and it didn't work well enough for them. So that alone wasn't enough. I think you also needed to make the connection with the helplessness.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
There's my own personal background. Of course, I'm a child of the 60s. So I knew about LSD. And I think LSD for me at that time, I became a good medical student and came with the culture, stopped taking drugs. But my memory of taking LSD was...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
very positive in that at that time I got to see that I'm a very small part of a very large universe and that whatever constructs I make in my mind are just very small constructs of a much larger reality. And over time I've had quite a few of my friends have become very good scientists
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yes, you could, depending on how you define it. And for some people it doesn't, for some people it doesn't. No, it depends again on the context. For some people, you get fired, you go like, well, I didn't like those assholes anyway.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And they say the same thing about her early LSD experiences of really truly having opened up their minds to many possibilities. But then the culture changed. And they became illegal, criminalized, and people stopped doing that. And then Rick Doblin and Michael Mithoffer started to open up the world of psychedelics. And they asked me about it 15 years ago or something.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I said, I think it's a great idea because when you are traumatized, you live in a very constricted world. Basically, the trauma dominates your perceptions and regularly sort of interferes with your exploring larger realities. And I think in theory, having a psychedelic experience, a mind-opening experience, would be very helpful.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But I discourage them from doing it because I thought you'll never get by the regulatory practices. And then they raised enough money and asked me if I wanted to run the Boston side of a very large study, which I was eager to do, where we compared very good psychotherapy by people who I largely had trained with psychotherapy plus MDMA, and the results were stunning. You described? Stunning.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I thought the therapy would be very helpful in many regards, and it turned out the therapy didn't make that much of a difference. a little bit, but the MDMA vastly changed the situation. And I wrote up the paper, but I'm actually astounded by how little that paper gets quoted. I mainly focus on the so-called secondary data of the study, which was how trauma changed your experience of yourself.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And what we saw is that people became much more aware of themselves. People had compassion for themselves. So people oftentimes went into their traumatic experience and had this sense of time of, oh my God, this happened to me. That was so awful. Happened to me personally also actually on psychedelics of things coming up that you were unaware of. were so vivid deep down inside.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I think, oh, these poor kids, look what they went through. He was so little, he was so small, he couldn't defend himself. And so you get this very deep sense of self-compassion instead of the usual response of self-hatred and self-blame.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And then the next thing that we saw happen all the time is, and I was such a beautiful kid, and I had this alcoholic, violent father, not talking about myself, but good, and my poor dad, he never got to really enjoy this beautiful kid that he had. And they have compassion for their perpetrators.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Like, it's an astounding compassion-opening drug, which is what we have been looking for in so many areas in life.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, it is.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, we don't know how anything works, you know.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That is the main paper on which I'm also an author. It gets quoted. But what I think is more important, not whether the PTSD did so well, but people's relationship to themselves changed. And my other paper describes that actually. But it doesn't get quoted as much. People can focus on the PTSD. The real issue is, do you love yourself? Is your heart open? Are you open to new experiences?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Not that we have this little list of symptoms in the PTSD scale, but are you a human being who embraces himself as a human being?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Absolutely. At the end, the issue is the perception. Your perception. Your perception. The issue is not the event itself. You and I may have had the same events happening. And for me, it reminds me about my brother torturing me or it reminds me about my mom being sick and not paying attention to me or whatever. And for me, it becomes a very big deal.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That's right. But ketamine is.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And we do a fair amount of ketamine-assisted therapy these days. And I'm intrigued that ketamine seems to have similar effects to psilocybin and MDMA, even though they're completely different chemical substances.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, of course. As part of my being PI of this MDMA study, I had to do MDMA. But for example, I thought MDMA was ecstasy and put you in a place of pleasure. As part of my job, I had to take MDMA myself, and I was ready for my magical experience. I'd never done it before. And instead, I'd always poo-poo the issue of vicarious trauma.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, it didn't really hurt me all that much to see all this trauma in the world. And while I was having my MDMA experiences, all the trauma test people Pain that I had experienced over the time came back. I lied there for eight hours in agony going, oh my God, oh my God. And I got in touch with that hearing all these trauma stories did have had a profound effect on me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so I was really changed by that M&A experience. I became a much sadder but somewhat wiser man. You became a sadder man. Absolutely. I really felt all the pain. Much more deeply. Yeah. I was able to sort of ball it off onto that point and the ball came down and it was quite painful.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But what helped me is my guide, Michael Mithoffer, when I told him how I felt like a failure having had such painful experience, he said, yeah, I know. I used to be an emergency room physician and one of my psychedelic experiences, all the patients who died in my hands came to visit me. So that was helpful for me because it made me feel like I had a connection with another human being.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so that context is terribly important. And that's really what March of the... issues are about right now. And I think we may very well lose that. And that is that clearly you need to do psychedelics in very safe conditions with a lot of support.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And that the set and setting of psychedelics, which Johns Hopkins study also took very good care of, all the studies you mentioned did it, is that the context is terribly important. And while you're in these experiences, The environment needs to be completely supportive and safe and be there for you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And what our world profit-driven world is looking for is to give people psychedelics, give them one pill and go off by yourself and then deal with it. The majority of the people in our study said to us, when the study was over, I couldn't have done this if you guys hadn't been here with me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And for you, it goes like, yeah, but I have so many talents. Why not try something else?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, I think it did. It made me a much more humble person and much more compassionate to people in general.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, I've had some other experiences. Also, I've had a number of other really painful experiences in psychedelics. And it made me much more... So, you know, people say, oh, how's your life gone? I became much more aware to what degree my quest for understanding trauma had to do with me than... And I learned most of that after age 70, actually.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, healing is a complex word. I would say, yes, I'm doing well. As do many people I've worked with. That's what I think the real power of my book is that it's a very hopeful book. Every chapter tells stories about people who are better and as much science as I've been able to do, I've proven how helpful EMDR can be. I've proven how well yoga can We have proven how well neurofeedback can do.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That really has been my mission, is to not only be an advocate, but really say, let's do the science and see how well it works for whom.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
There's another thing that's really helped me and that got me into theatre is the issue of psychodrama. Yeah, the chapter in the book, and I've never done the science behind it, but I still love doing it. And that is when you act out things in three-dimensional space, it becomes a completely different phenomenon. If I tell you, let's put your family in this room. Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And I say, when you choose somebody to play the role of your dad, where would you put your dad? You know where you would put your dad.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Right there.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Not there, but there.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So that's what the hell's happening here. You know precisely where you want him. And if somebody would play that role for you, the feelings of which your dad would come up, maybe even in your imagination to some degree right now, if you imagine your dad there, what's the first thing that comes to your mind?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I had a very good psychiatric training in one of the Harvard hospitals. And then I went to the last state mental hospital in Boston, which was also interesting. It was a sanctuary for very disturbed people. And so that institution gets closed. I go work at the Veterans Administration Hospital. I met these guys who... were people who I looked up to.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
What sort of reaction would you have as you see him here?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It doesn't come up abstractly, but concretely when he's sitting there, it comes up. And you may say, actually, Dad, I'm the boss now. Or I hate that you're being the boss. Or something, some feeling comes up. My freedom. And what's striking is that for everybody, when they put that virtual person in the room, the feelings towards that person become very vivid.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And the overlap is quite different from what the story does people tell, actually. It brings up the three-dimensional. And oftentimes people have had harsh and neglectful fathers. And then what I say at some point after you do things with him, I may even say, you want to hit your dad? Possibly. I might actually... The dad you always wanted.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And then you choose somebody and I encourage you to see how you would like that person to hold you. And when you have that, you usually have a very deep emotional release and say, oh my God, if my dad would have helped me like that when I was three years old or five years old or eight years old and I needed this, my life would have been completely different. And so you make a virtual new reality
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
that is physical and visceral with other people. And that memory of what it feels like can be very profound. And you're doing this with a group of people? I do this about four times a year with a group of people. It's my favorite clinical activity because I'm always just so astounded by what comes out of it. It's almost role-playing, your past.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Role-playing, but you really, because you work in three-dimensional space, it feels much more real.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so, but therapists usually, they have this hope that if I'm respectful and caring towards you, I'll give you a reparative emotional experience. that will give you the feeling of what it would have been like if you had gotten that in the past. And what my old teacher about it said, it's a mismatch.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I, as an 80-year-old guy, cannot give you, as a 30-something-year-old guy, the feeling of what it would have been like if your mom would have loved you at age three. We cannot do that. But in these theatrical enterprises in three-dimensional space, very physical, you do get an imprint of, oh, that is what it felt like. That's what I was missing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So it's a very powerful way of creating a virtual reality.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I really see that somewhat differently from the way you guys talked about it before. And that is all these things are on a continuum. You don't have PTSD or you don't have ADHD or you don't have ADHD. These are all binary issues. So this capacity to focus, to pay attention, to be flexible in your attention is a dimensional issue. A dimensional issue. Some people have it better more than others.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
They were good athletes, competent people, helicopter pilots all my age. And these guys had broken apart. And they had fallen apart. And they reminded me of some of my relatives who I grew up with, who also had been concentration camp survivors and Japanese camp survivors. And then I learned much else after that. But that really opened up my eyes to that people can be broken
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Some people cannot sit still at all and other people can sit still under certain conditions. So it's not like you have ADHD or not. You may have some issues staying focused or staying still or paying attention that may be very many underlying issues. Maybe that your mom took some toxins while she was pregnant with you. It's possible that it is in your genes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Just about every traumatized kid I've ever seen met criteria for ADHD because trauma really messes up your capacity to focus and concentrate. So this is not an entity. It is a fictitious entity. It's not like cancer of the gallbladder. is not having astrocytoma in your brain. And these mental phenomena are networks of complicated ways of organizing your mind. And our diagnostic system just sucks.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
the answers let not explore anything new but let's do the science and see how well it works and for whom and what about psychedelic therapy it's very effective have you ever done a psychedelic drug yeah of course what did you learn that my quest for understanding trauma had to do with my own childhood trauma all the pain is suffering earlier on i asked if people could heal from their trauma have you healed from yours
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, sure.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, but I wouldn't say that. I'd say it could be genetic. It could be toxic. It could be trauma. It is the surface behavior. of not being able to focus and concentrate. Like my son certainly had met criteria for ADHD. My son, other than that he disappointed me, was not a particularly traumatized kid. No, he really had real issues organically based, but that he outgrew also at some point.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So these things are not stable. These are configurations that you can grow with over time. And they're multifactorial. They're surface phenomena.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, that's right.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah. I would really... Everybody who is serious about this stuff knows that our diagnostic system totally sucks.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah. It just is a total artifact of... I was sitting in a room 40 years ago making up a little list of diagnoses. There's no scientific validity to this. Actually, PTSD is one of the more scientifically reliable diagnoses of all the diagnoses. They're just very primitive ways of categorizing human mind. And we know so much more and we should move beyond that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And everybody who knows something about science knows that we should move beyond it. But we are not. Why? I think we're not doing it because our focus is not on helping people. Our focus is on bonding successful financial organizations. You know, I teach neurofeedback, and there's a chapter on neurofeedback there, and there's serious research on neurofeedback, and we do neurofeedback trainings.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so the head of an insurance company took a training with me on neurofeedback, and he pulled me aside and said, Bessel, of course you know that as head of an insurance company, I'm not interested in getting people better. I'm interested in having as many subscribers to my band as I can. You know, if we really went back to being real doctors, we'd say, how do I get you better?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
What is wrong with you? And we know so much about neuroscience these days, about how the brain organizes information, that it's time to actually update ourselves to 2024 and start thinking about networks in the brain and what part of the brain is connected with what and mental functioning at different ages and what kids understand at age three, which is different from age five.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And think in terms of how well is your brain able to filter out irrelevant information? How well is your brain able to be still and quiet? And how well are you able to take on a task and complete it?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Be sure to listen to people in your environment. Don't raise them by yourself. I think raising a kid by yourself You'll get the full brunt of your own pathology. So it's very important for a kid to be raised by a number of people. So the kid gets to see, oh, my dad is a little bit reactive, but my neighbor across the street is much calmer.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And that really intrigued me tremendously.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so the kid gets to see multiple perspectives as all of us idealize African villages as people having villages. many different parents who look after you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It takes a village. I think kids need to be really part of a large environment where they can see their parents as safe people, but also flawed people. And the more nuclear you get, the harder it gets to keep your pathology out of your kids' life, actually. So community is everything, also in terms of raising a child.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Well, the critical issue is that trauma is about being helpless and not nobody coming to your rescue. And so it's very important to have the experience that if you really cannot do something or you're scared, that somebody comes to your help at this point. And you get an imprint that even when I feel really bad, somebody will come and be there for me. And that is what many people miss.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
When you have a drunken parent, we see this all the time in our practice, people have a violent parent, usually the father, but not always. And then mom or dad, in my case more my dad than my mom, turns a blind eye. and doesn't say, I'll take care of you even though the other parent is hurting you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
1943, very important. When you're born has a huge impact on who you become. So my earliest imprint is is of my father at some point was detained by the Germans. He was not in concentration camp, but he was supposed to go off there. My mom is by herself, raising small kids in hiding right next to the place where the Nazis are launching their rockets to go to.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And the betrayal of a parent to let the other parent do terrible things to them and not really say, no, you cannot do this to my kid, is a huge thing for many people. That's interesting. Yeah. And having bystanders who do not come to your help is a very big deal.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I've never experienced it where people come to your help. And I think being part of a sports team, being part of a theater group, being part of a musical group, where people really feel, now it's your turn, come in. I think the issue of rhythmicity and synchronicity is really at the core of our internal sense of safety and belonging.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
The question is, where do I get the help I need? I think that's really the big thing because it is so hard. It is such an exploration. Almost everybody who I know who have found a way of getting better, has been an explorer. And quite an accidental explorer. And then I found this karate teacher, and then I found this yoga teacher, and then I found this psychodramatist.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
But it's very largely accidental. I think the mainstream is not on the whiteboard. So you have to discover what works for you. And that's a very tough one because you'll feel stupid and ignorant. And if something is not helping you, It is very hard for yourself. This is not helping me because this person is not helping me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Rather than blaming yourself, there must be something wrong with me that is not helpful for you. And making that distinction is a very tough one. I know it from my experience. I've been in treatments for long periods of time, despite all my qualifications, where it took me a long time to go like this. I'm wasting my time and my money.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And if you don't have my education and background, it's even harder to say I'm wasting my time.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Oh, no. Yeah. It's that connection. Passing that ball, somebody catching it. You know, I made a difference. Playing music. My little piece of music that I made made it a better place. Being in a theatre group. Being a cook. You know, there's many dimensions along which you can do that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah, we do, I think. And we should say it to ourselves because I need to do more of that also.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
A good example is I grew up singing all the time. And people around me, made me sing in schools. And then we got iPods. Aren't we lucky we get iPods? And then before too long, you stop singing and you start listening to your iPod. And so technology has been an unbelievable blessing and what a curse it has been for us.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
So half of the rockets fell into our backyard. And I have no conscious imprint of that. But I grew up like a kid growing up in Ukraine today. And a lot of kids my age died. I was a very sickly child with a lot of hunger and misery. Half my generation died of starvation. And so I grew up with incredible pre-consciousness. imprint of what gets in Ukraine and Gaza are going through right now.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And that must have left a trace in my curiosity and my being, including a trace of having a body that was very sickly.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
My mother was more or less broken by the pandemic of 1919 in which her father developed Parkinsonism and became one of those Oliver Sacks type people. So my mother was a very frozen person, which had a very impact on me. My father was very conscientious, loving.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
Yeah. Having a frozen mother has an impact.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
The impact is that if you have a mother who is not available to love you and care for you, that becomes part of your perception of the world. And that means that there's a lot of work to be done about learning about affection and intimacy and closeness and vulnerability and all those sort of things.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
No, no. I asked her only once. I was already a junior professor at Harvard. I had two kids. And my parents came to visit me. And here's an example of what sort of parents I had. I left at age 18 for the US because I wanted some distance between me and my parents. 10, 15 years later, quite a few years later, I wrote to my parents.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
I said, it's customary for parents to come and visit their children sometimes. We should be interested in coming to visit. It never crossed my mind. And so they came. And we actually had a very pleasant time, very civilized.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And so on the last day my parents were visiting us, I said to my parents, you know, you probably don't really know what I do for a living, but a lot of my work has to do with incest. And I wonder where does that come from? And I turned to my mom and I said, you know, I wonder if something happened to you that I picked up, that you were sexually abused. And my mom fainted, fell off her chair.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
And my father said, look what you did to your mother. And my then wife and her, my father carried my mother into her bed. So I don't know if my mother was sexually abused. She just fainted when I asked her the question. But that's how it goes, huh? You barely get a straight answer to any of these things.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
That doesn't come from me. There's data from this very big CDC study run by Vincent Felletti. So this is data on 25,000 people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Trauma Expert: Medicating Kids Can Harm Brain Development! Eye Movement Trick That Fixes Trauma! The Secret To EMDR Therapy! - Bessel van Der Kolk
It's not overblown to be curious about adults. how you became who you became and what the internal ingredients of your cake are. And I think that's very good for people to be aware of how they have become the creatures who they are. I think being curious about yourself is very necessary. Also to be curious in order to be curious of other people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Second mistake you will do is they make a contempt micro-expression. So... Das ist ein Ein-Seiten-Mouth-Raise. Also mach einfach ein Ein-Seiten-Mouth-Raise für mich. Das macht nicht so, dass du denkst, hm, besser. Ja, ja, ja. Not only do they look scornful, kind of disdained, they actually begin to feel better then and scornful. So do not do an asymmetrical smile in your profile picture.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You are accidentally signaling negativity. The third biggest mistake you will make is they do an inauthentic smile in their picture. The only true indicator of happiness is when these cheek muscles are activated. Anyone can fake smile. This is what mine looks like. But you see people do it, right?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah, and people know. I would rather you not.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Am I going to say, no, it's horrible?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Du kannst lachen ohne deine Zähne, so lange es deine oberen Zähne schlägt. Versuche es für mich. Setze deinen Finger zwischen deinen Mähen. Und lache so hoch wie du kannst. Oh, das ist besser. Das geht bis in deine Augen. Siehst du?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That looks so much better. If you can activate these muscles in your profile picture, you don't have to walk around like that, but if you can activate, not the fear, not the fear, just here. If you can activate these muscles in your profile picture, it shows authentic happiness or don't smile at all. I hate the advice. Just smile more. Fake smiles do not work. Dr. Barbara Wild studied this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
She took pictures of people thinking of something they were authentically happy about, took a picture of them smiling, then she told them to fake smile and took a picture of them. On the surface, you really couldn't tell the difference between the two smiles. They looked very similar. But she had participants take mood tests. Dann schau dir das Bild an. Schau dir ein Bild an oder das andere an.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Gruppe A, Gruppe B. Die Leute, die das positive Bild gesehen haben, hatten einen verbesserten Mut. Sie haben das Glück aus dem Bild gefangen. Die Leute, die das falsche Lächeln gesehen haben, hatten keinen Mutveränderung. Das bedeutet, ich würde lieber, dass du kein Lächeln hast oder neutral bist, als ein falsches Lächeln.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Let's start with a study that blew my mind. It's impossible to be attracted to someone who... That's so crazy, just such a small... That one little thing...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Aber wenn du in deinem Bild lächeln kannst, ist es so großartig für authentische Glück.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You know, I think it's about choosing your heart, right? It is hard, it is exhausting for me to show up to a meeting when I'm in a good mood and have someone be like, are you sad and tired? Are you okay? I'm like, I'm fine. I find that exhausting. Is it also a little exhausting to make sure that in my first impression, I'm being a little bit more up with my face, open eyes wide and open mouth?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
A little less exhausting than that. So I think you have to choose what are the cues you're going to purposefully add. There are 97 cues. I've narrowed it down to 97 that I think are the most important. You get to make your own recipe. You don't have to do all the cues. If smiling is not your thing, smiling is not essential for being charismatic.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
When we talk about being charismatic, it's about being warm and competent. And you have 97 cues to choose from to make that warmth and competence recipe. And so you don't have to be a bubbly extrovert to be charismatic. You can be a quiet, powerful introvert. You can be a compassionate, empathetic healer. Those look different.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so I think it's less exhausting to find your recipe and to use those cues a lot. There are certain cues in my book that I teach that I don't use. They just don't feel natural to me. But there are other cues where I'm like...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
There is research on resting bothered face and there are certain people who, when people see pictures of their face at rest, they assume a mood change. In other words, when there are certain people at rest, where you look at them, they look neutral. But there are a certain percent of the population, when you look at them, they look angry, sad or afraid. So it's real.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Very few people have happy resting face, though.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Oh goodness.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I really wanted to go it alone. I was really overwhelmed by people and interactions. I didn't know what to do with my hands. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I missed a memo that everyone got in conversation. I always felt like I was saying the wrong things. I had all these awkward silences.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And then what would happen is I would try to overcompensate by sharing a ridiculous story or talking too much or completely shutting down. And I kind of like wavered between completely shutting down and being overwhelmed and talking too much and saying too much and just verbal vomiting over everyone. And so I shut down. And in college especially, I just felt so left out. I just felt so lonely.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And I don't know if anyone watching is feeling lonely. I thought it was all my fault. I was like, I missed the memo. I don't know how to have conversations. I don't even know how to have friends. That's what it felt like, that I desperately wanted to make connections, but I had no idea how to level up a new person to a friendship. I had no idea how that path happened.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I had no idea how to have a conversation with someone, share something real and then have a real interaction back. And so it was really lonely and overwhelming.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I was in college and there was a group paper assigned. And you had like five people and everyone had to do five pages. And I went to the professor and I said, I will write double the amount of pages if I can work by myself. Und er war so, Vanessa, der Punkt des Papiers ist nicht das Papier, es arbeitet mit den Leuten. Und ich war so, und ich begann zu weinen in seinem Büro.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich war so, das Student. Ich war so, ich weiß nicht, wie. Und er war so, Vanessa, du bist sehr gut bei der Wissenschaft. Du bist sehr gut bei der Verschiebung von Dingen. Was, wenn du für Menschen studiert hättest, wie du für Chemie studierst? Das war ein A-ha-Mom für mich. Er sagte, warum nicht du studierst gute Gespräche? Warum nicht du studierst die populären Kinder?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Warum nicht du schaust, was sie in der Gespräche tun, die funktioniert? Studiere es, als ob es eine Wissenschaft ist. Deshalb war meine Marke die Wissenschaft der Menschen. Das ist, als ich erkannt habe, okay, es kam mir nicht natürlich, aber vielleicht gibt es Forschung.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
on actual things I can do with my body, things I can do, I can say verbally, questions that work, that will help me learn this the other way. Turning soft skills into hard skills. That's when I started creating my first conversational blueprints. That's when I started creating my conversation formula. And it started to work.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I started to try out these kind of tiny experiments and I actually started to feel like myself, make more friends. It was tools. I had to use tools to be able to connect because it just did not come naturally to me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Es war eine echte Reise, ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah. When was that? That was probably maybe four or five years later.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So I started mostly with conversation. That was sort of my first tool I needed. Questions I wanted to ask, first impressions and how to close a conversation, very practically. I also realized about five years later, I married my college sweetheart, so I've been with my husband for a long time, and he said to me, you always think everyone's angry at you. I was like, isn't everyone angry at me?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And I realized there are certain people who misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative. I have this problem. So I will see a neutral expression on someone and assume they are angry or afraid or stressed or don't like me. And that was creating this really bad loop. Because when you think someone doesn't like you, you shut down and become more unlikable.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
There was a study I discovered right around this time. This is done by Dr. Van Sloan. He wanted to know what makes popular kids popular. Hmm. Hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so he found that the most popular kids, the one single variable that was held true across all the different students, was the most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked. So when he asked, one of the questions of the survey was, who do you like? They had the longest lists. And when he looked at their day-to-day, they had micro moments of liking.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They would go down the hallway and be like, hey Chad, hey Chelsea, hey Sarah. They liked so many people and that in turn made them more likable. This showed me that being likable is in our control. Being likable means you have to be first liker. If you set out to like more people, you become more likable. And that was a really big shift for me, because for so long I thought it was all about me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's a very selfish way to be. I was like, I better be impressive, I better be funny. But actually, what makes us likable is just liking as many people as possible.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich verstehe es. Und ich denke auch, dass, wenn du alle hasst, wenn das du bist, lass mich dich versuchen, dich für einen Moment zu überzeugen. Es könnte sein, dass du die falschen Fragen fragst.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Es ist, sie so zu lieben, dass sie dich wieder lieben. Es ist aggressiv zu lieben. Das bedeutet, wenn du mit jemandem bist, musst du sie ständig verbal und nonverbal beweisen, wie viel du sie lieben willst. Schau sie zu verändern. Schau deine Beziehungen zu verändern. Ich mache es eine Politik, aggressiv Leute zu lieben. Ich habe drei magische Phrasen für Lieblingsfähigkeit.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Kann ich sie dir nennen?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so I want you to use these as many times as you can. Three magic phrases for likability. One, I was just thinking of you. Okay, so here's how you use this authentically, right? You think of a lot of people in your life all the time. If you are thinking of someone and you can text them, text them, I was just thinking of you, how are you? I was just thinking of you, how'd that project go?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I was just thinking of you, it has been a while since we talked. Or, and better, you see a movie, you see a documentary, you see a matcha latte, you see a mug, you see a ceramic candle, and you're like, oh, this made me think of you. So my text messages, my conversations are full of actual moments where I was triggered to think of that person, actually, that this thing made me think of you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Or, I was just thinking of you, I wanted to ask you about. If you don't think of someone, they're not a person you need to have in your life.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Dann nur sie. Und es macht auch keine Stunde, wenn du denkst, oh, Stahlmug, das hat mich an dich gedacht. Das ist weniger Arbeit, als einen alten Freund zu verpassen und nicht zu wissen, was zu sagen ist. It is less work to see something in real life or have a thought of like, I wonder how Sarah is. And reaching out to them then, I miss Sarah, but I'm not going to reach out to her.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's also less work when you see someone and you haven't seen them in a while or they're a friend of a friend or they're that casual coworker relationship. And you're like, what do I say? I think it's a lot of work to go up to that person and be like, how was your weekend? I think that's a lot of work. I think boring small talk is a lot of work.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Sehr, sehr erfolgreiche Leute sprechen eine versteckte Sprache, und das ist die Sprache der Qs. Wenn du nicht weißt, wie du die Qs lesen kannst, die Leute dir senden, wenn du nicht weißt, wie du die Qs, die du anderen senden, kontrollierst, dann verpasst du einen wichtigen Element des Erfolgs.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If you actually thought of them to say, you know, I know you love dolphins. I saw this dolphin documentary on Netflix. Have you seen it? I was just thinking of you. It made me think of you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I don't believe in asking, how are you? That's a whole other thing. This is a good test. If you are worried that they're going to start a conversation that's going to bore you and feel like work, they're not a close friend.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's a very good test. If there's someone where you're like, I don't really want to hear how they are. This is for the people who you want to level up with. There are three levels of intimacy. Das war's für heute. Bis zum nächsten Mal. If you categorize your relationships, another activity I love for my students to do is make those three levels on a piece of paper.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Write down the 20 people you can think of, the top 20 people you spend the most time with, where they fall. So we have acquaintances, we have... Acquaintances who just kind of know where you're from, what do you do, the basics. And by the way, some of the people who you're close with, you might not be deep with. Ja, stimmt. Level 2, persönliche Gefühle.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Können sie dir sagen, was dein größtes Ziel ist?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Das ist das mittlere. Das ist das mittlere. Also es sind generelle Fähigkeiten, persönliche Gefühle, Selbstnarrativ.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also das ist, was mein nächstes Buch ist. Ich mache Research auf es gerade. Selbstnarrativ ist die Geschichte, die du dir über dich selbst erzählst.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's the levels of intimacy you are with someone. So would your partner know the story you tell yourself about yourself? I'll give you an example. 100% she would. I think so. So I think that there are basically three main types of narratives. And you should know what these are for the closest people in your life. Maybe only two or three. And you should also know what it is for yourself.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
The best one is a hero narrative. This is... I've worked really hard. I've had some challenges and mistakes, but I've overcome with hard work and smarts. And now I am where I am. Every version of their story, their career, their life, their relationships is that same narrative over and over again. Then there's what I think is called the healer narrative.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Again, I'm doing research on this for my next book. The healer narrative, their story is all about helping others. They typically are in careers of service, of helping others, physical therapists, nurses, healthcare. Seine Geschichte ist, wie kann ich hilfreicher sein?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Sie haben meistens ein Problem, wenn man in einer Beziehung mit einem Heilern ist, dass sie sich immer andere Menschen vor sich selbst befinden.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They can. And a lot of the times they were put in a position of caretaking too early. Like they were told that you're of value if you can caretake. You're of value if you put your needs last. So they tend to be people pleasers. They tend to say yes to everything. You have to be careful if you work with a healer because they're great to work with.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They help, help, help, but they say yes to too much. So a healer is the middle one. The last one is victim narrative. Victim narrative, no matter what, personal, professional, love life, taxes, they have the same narrative. Ich habe Herausforderungen und Fehler erlebt und ich habe sie nicht übernommen. Egal, wie hart ich arbeite, egal, wie klug ich bin, der Welt ist gegen mich.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
82% of our impressions of people are based on warmth and competence. That means that if we can control our warmth cues and our competence cues, we know we are taking care of 82% of our impression. And that is critical to being more memorable, to being more confident, to having clearer communication.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also eine Frage, die ich Menschen frage, um ihre Selbstnarrative zu beginnen, ist, fühlen Sie sich glücklich? Ich fühle mich sehr glücklich. Ich fühle mich auch sehr glücklich. Ja. People who have a resounding yes to I feel lucky are more likely heroes or healers. People who say, I don't feel lucky, I feel very unlucky, are typically victims. Dr. Richard Wiseman did a study.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
He asked people to perceive their own luck. How lucky do you feel? Then he gave them a challenge. He gave them a newspaper. And he said, I want you to count the amount of images in this newspaper. The unlucky people missed the ad and kept counting, spent a lot of time and made more mistakes. This means that if you think of yourself as lucky, you literally see more opportunities.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If you think of yourself as unlucky, you miss them. I do believe in a growth mindset. So I do believe that if this is resonating with you and you're like, uh-oh, I feel unlucky, I might have this victim self-narrative. I do believe it's possible to change your perception of yourself. And that's starting with small moments of heroism.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I think that changing your people skills, saying I don't like people and saying I'm going to find a way to like people, saying I'm bad at conversation, I'm going to find a way to be good at conversation. To say I'm an awkward person, no, I'm a recovering awkward person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If we can begin to take those tiny experiments and change them one by one, we begin to have small moments of heroism and that's how we change our self-narrative.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja. Also, dieses Studium blieb mir im Kopf. Es sind 58.000 Arbeitszeiten über 11 verschiedene Firmen, also eine riesige Menge an Daten. They wanted to know if low performers infect the people around them and if high performers infect the people around them. What they found was if you sit within 25 feet of a high performer, your own performance improves by 15%. Here's the kicker.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If you sit within 25 feet of a low performer, your own performance decreases by 30%. This means that our negative emotions are more contagious. That if you're around people who are low performers, whatever that means to you, who have negative cues, who are feeling anxious or tired or low confident, you could catch those cues and that affects your own performance.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
This is why it is incredibly critical to invest in the five people who you spend the most time with. You want to make sure those five people are the cues you want to catch. Do you like the cues they're sending? Do they give you the right motivation, feelings? Do they make you feel liked? Do they make you a better version of yourself?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
There's just one more chemical aspect of this which we have to do more research on. This is a very gross study, but it's one of my favorites. It's a little gross. Are you ready? Okay. So they brought people into their lab. They set them up into two different groups. And they made the first group wear a sweatsuit, where they catch your sweat, and run on the treadmill.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So they sweat a lot on the treadmill. The second group, they wore sweatsuits, and they took them skydiving for the first time. Both groups sweat a lot. Treadmill sweat and skydiving sweat. They took these sweat samples and they had unsuspecting participants go into fMRI machines and scan their brains. And they gave them both sweat samples to smell.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
These poor people didn't know what they were smelling. They went out. This means that, yes, we can talk about facial expressions and body language and vocal cues and words, but there's also something chemically happening with the people around us, that we can literally smell fear and we catch it. And that is also why it's really important to follow our gut. Oh dear.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So I think my mission is to tackle a big lie. And that is that smart people will translate their book smarts into people smarts.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's very hard to fake confidence. I don't believe in fake it till you make it, I don't really.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But if I say, I have a conversational tool for you that's going to make your conversations better, you become less nervous, you become more excited, you ask a better question, they give you a really good answer, you feel super charismatic, they feel really liked, you feel really likable, we have a good little cycle.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich denke also, dass die Intention, mit wirklich sinnvollen Kursen zu gehen, dich stärker zu fühlen und diese wunderschönen Zyklen zu triggeren.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Das ist der Zyklus, ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Der Q-Zyklus, ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, okay, also, wir denken oft falsch, dass wir ein Signal an jemand anderes senden, sie senden ein Signal zurück zu uns und das ist es. Was wir nicht verstehen, ist, dass es einen Zyklus gibt, der in uns ist, nämlich, wenn du mir einen negativen Q sendest, internalisiere ich ihn und das ändert die Qs, die ich zurückgegeben habe. Hier ist ein sehr einfaches Experiment, das das gezeigt hat.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But actually, no matter how smart you are, if you do not know how to communicate with people, you can't connect with people, you can't have good relationships, you can't have supportive friendships, you get looped into difficult people or toxic people, you have trouble getting raises or promotions.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They put a participant in a room and they had an actor in the room flash them a social rejection cue. That could be an eye roll, a scoff, a distancing and blocking behavior. So the participant's in the room and this person across from them, they don't know it was an actor, sends them a social rejection cue.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What they found was the moment that participant saw the social rejection cue, their own pupils dilated and their field of vision increased. Das bedeutet, dass jemand sah, oh oh, diese Person ist nicht so wie ich. Und ihr Körper reagierte auf Krieg oder Flucht. Fühlt sich jemand anderes so an wie ich? Gibt es für mich irgendwelche Ausflüge?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und das änderte dann, welche Anzeichen sie an diese Person zurückgegeben haben. Sie waren angstiger, sie waren nervöser. Wenn du in einer Wohnung mit jemandem gehst und dich schlecht fühlst, hast du wahrscheinlich eine Anzeige gefunden. Hier ist das gute Neues. You can stop the cue cycle from being negative. There's also positive cues, right? We can catch positive cues. That can be good for us.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But we can stop the negative cycle if we label the cue we see. Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA studied this very clearly. He put people in fMRI machines and he flashed them a fear microexpression, the one that you showed us earlier, with your eyes really wide. When people saw the fear microexpression, they caught the fear. They began to feel afraid and their amygdala lit up.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But when he taught them, say, fear, Or think, fear, he taught them the micro-expression, and stopped activating their amygdala. Meaning, if you know how to read the 97 cues, and you see contempt, or social rejection, or a mouth shrug, or a lip purse, all not great cues, you can in your head say, lip purse, I'm good. Or clocked, noted. That intel is actually empowering.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So that backdoor into confidence is also, you can label it, name it, tame it, and you're in control of it. That is a much better way to interact and also can help you like people from my people who don't like people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Labeled.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah, that's what I say to myself or like red flag or noted.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
When you are able to control your communication, it helps you not be overlooked, not be misunderstood. That affects your friendships, your partner, your career, and also helps you feel more confident walking into a room.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I think what we underestimate is the power of our gestures. Love it. Just love it. Just those jazz hands. Just those jazz hands. So here's, I'm going to do a little experiment with you. So I'm going to put my hands in my lap. I've been very careful to leave my hands on the table for the entire interview. That's on purpose. Now, something funny happens in your brain when you can't see my hands.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And the longer my hands are underneath the table, the more your amygdala will begin to fire. And the more distracted you become with, where are her hands? Why are her hands under the table? And the moment I bring my hands back out again, your brain goes... Und das ist, weil Hände Intention zeigen. Und das macht Sinn aus einer evolutionären Perspektive.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also, wenn wir zurückgehen zu den Caveman-Tagen, wenn wir von einem fremden Caveman beobachtet wurden und sie sagten, Freund, Freund, Freund, Freund, Freund, Freund, wir sahen, dass sie keinen Stein oder einen Speer tragen, und sie waren wahrscheinlich ein Freund.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
In der Tat, wenn wir sagen, so schön, dass wir dich treffen, wir sehen jemanden's Hand, wissen wir, dass sie uns wirklich nicht schaden werden. Also, unser Gehirn behält noch diesen Mechanismus, dass wenn wir auf Video sind und wir sehen niemanden's Hand, oder sie gehen in ein Büro mit ihren Händen in ihren Knochen oder hinter ihren Beinen, fühlen wir uns ein bisschen ungeheuer.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So there's two things for this. First is the moment someone first sees you, you want to be friend, friend, friend. Good to see you. Oh, so nice to meet you. What put your hand up for people that can't see you? The moment I walk into a room, hey, nice to see you. Even before I handshake, even an old friend, I'll be like, oh my gosh, so good to see you. On Zoom, morning.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Sehr, sehr einfach. Zweitens. Wir verstehen Kompetenz in zwei Wegen. Sehr hochkompetente Menschen kennen ihre Inhalte so gut, dass sie auf zwei Tracks sprechen können. Sie können verbal sprechen, aber sie können auch mit ihren Händen sprechen. Deshalb lieben wir Bilderbücher als Kinder. And so when someone is speaking, we're listening to their words.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But second, we're looking, are their hands outlining their words? So for example, all the best TED Talks start the same way. And this is what got me my TED Talk, is we studied all the TED Talks from 2010, looking for patterns. And my team and I coded every TED Talk we can find, looking for differences between the most viral TED Talks and the least viral TED Talks.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
We found that the most viral TED speakers used an average of 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes. Whereas the least popular TED talkers used an average of 271 gestures, so not quite half. Meaning, if someone walks on stage, here's a really good TED talk, they all start this way, are you ready? Today I want to talk to you about a big idea.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
We're going to share three different things that are going to change your life. So for people listening, I was outlining with my hands along with my words. If I were to get on stage and say, today I have a really big idea. It's huge. And hold up my hands in a really small way. Your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe my gesture over my words.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also, ich bin eine zurückhaltende, traurige Person. Also, ich hatte das Gefühl, dass du entweder mit Charisma geboren wurdest oder nicht, dass Charisma genetisch war. Und 2002 habe ich ein Studium entdeckt, das mein Leben verändert hat, das sagte, dass Charisma gelernt werden kann. This is when I started to tackle, to figure out, okay, if Charisma can be learned, how do we learn it?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so what we can do as speakers, as very highly charismatic speakers, is think about how can I outline, very basically, not modern dance, what I'm saying or how can I emphasize things with my gestures. If something is big, show me. Is a beach ball big? Is it What is this big? Donkey big? Is this a donkey? I don't even know. A goat? This is a goat pig.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If you have something that's really small and no big deal, doing this actually helps you think that it's not a big deal. I'm making a little kind of dismissive gesture with my hand. This also works with emphasizing points you want people to remember. If you have three ideas, tell someone you have three ideas. It is very hard to lie with our gestures.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
For example, you want to do a little experiment with me? Sure. Okay, I want you to say five, but hold up the number three. Fünf. Hard, right? Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So we're also drawn to people who are using gestures, who are congruent with their gestures, because it makes us feel like, oh, they know their stuff and they're being honest.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
All of them are good. And some of them are experts in their fields. The difference is, do I want to watch their good? Es ist schwer für mich als Zuschauer, für 18 Minuten mit jemandem zu beachten, der genug Gestrücke nicht genutzt hat. Es war physisch schwer für mein Gehirn, zu beachten.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich denke, dass diese Redner, egal ob gut oder schlecht, ihre Handgestritte überrehearsiert haben oder ein Podium halten oder einen Klick zu hart halten. Also denke ich tatsächlich, dass es weniger mit den Rednern, Nerven oder Selbstvertrauen zu tun hat, sondern mehr damit zu tun hat, ob sie sich lassen lassen, ihre Hände zu benutzen, um ihre Punkte zu erklären, und das wird mehr engagierend.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, let's talk about two things here. One is we did a test on my YouTube channel and found that if we used a thumbnail of me doing any hand gesture, it didn't even matter what it was. It could be this, it could be this. Any hand gesture, that got more clicks. Menschen, die sogar ein Fingernaht sehen, mögen die Handgestaltung mehr als meine verrückten Facial-Expressionen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Wir haben beide versucht. Wenn du ein Fingernaht sehst, von dem ich zwei Hände halte, dann denkst du dir, was für zwei Dinge spricht sie? Was ist das? Wir mögen es, es zeigt Kompetenz. Und das zweite ist, dass die Vokalverdienung ein unglaublich wichtiger Aspekt des Charismas ist. We're talking about gestures, but there is a feedback loop here.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
How can we learn blueprints for conversation? How can we learn frameworks for how we connect and how we socialize? That's when I started doing my own research. So I'm a behavioral researcher and a best-selling author on communication. And I specialize in helping very brilliant, very smart, awkward folks not be overlooked.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If I were going to sit on my hands for this interview, you would notice my facial attrition would get less charismatic, my vocal tone would be less charismatic. It's really hard to be charismatic without movement. Vocal variety is a critical aspect of both warmth and competence. That is because when we hear someone who is able to, for example, give us the TED Talk voice.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So I'm going to give you the TED Talk voice. Are you ready?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe my gesture over my words. And that's because it is very hard to lie with our gestures. For example, you want to do a little experiment with me? Sure. Okay, I want you to say five, but hold up the number three. Five. Hard, right? Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
This point is going to change the way that we think about the world. And if we don't analyze this point, we will be in huge trouble. Like that is a voice that is telling you, oh, this is important. You also hear that really good speakers will use like a numbers voice. So a numbers voice sounds like this. Oh, okay. Wir haben eine Geschichte jetzt.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Oh, das ist ein wichtiger Punkt, ich muss es besser aufschreiben. Wirklich gute TED-Zuhörer zeichnen ihre Sprache für dich in vielen verschiedenen Wegen. Und das sind die besten Zuhörer, die ich auf der Bühne sehe.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, also lasst uns darüber sprechen, nur sehr kurz.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I actually do recommend chairs with arms, not in this setup, because, look at the difference. So actually, right before this interview, you asked me to scoot my chair in. Your amazing team asked me to scoot my chair in. Thank you for that, because it makes it so that I want to put my hands up.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If I were to be sitting farther back, I'm just going to lean back for a second, I would be tempted to put my hands in my lap. So the critical piece of this is you're having me scoot up to the table. It would be really hard if I had arms, because then I would want to go like this, and it would make me look like a duck.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But even, we're very intentional about the
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so this is a perfect difference. The perfect distance between two people having a good conversation is that we could shake hands if we wanted to. And that is because there are four different proxemic zones. So the fancy word for space is proxemics. I don't know if you have that beautiful graphic. I printed out this. Oh, yes, that's it, yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So there are four different space zones, and these are really good to know if you're trying to set yourself up for success. Die öffentliche Zone ist etwa fünf bis acht Meter entfernt. Ich weiß nicht, nicht Meter, aber fünf bis acht Meter entfernt. Dann gibt es die soziale Zone, wo wir mit Leuten sozialisieren wollen. Das ist, abhängig davon, wer du fragst, drei bis fünf Meter entfernt.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Dann gibt es die persönliche Zone, das ist unsere Lieblingszone. Das ist um die Arm-Systeme abzuhalten, richtig? A big mistake people make is they place their video camera too close to their face, which means they are accidentally signaling intimacy cues with their colleagues and their co-workers. Have you ever been on a Zoom with someone where their face is the entire camera?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah, I was on one earlier on. And you're like, please back up. And that is because your brain is going too close, even though they're across a camera. So what I would really recommend, measure the distance between your nose and your camera. It should be one arm length. So it should be the tip of your nose to the tip of your fingers. Or a foot and a half to three feet away.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, also ich habe mein erstes Framework entwickelt, vor ungefähr zwölf Jahren, und wir haben 400.000 Studenten geholfen, dieses Framework zu lernen, es zu bestrafen und Schwierigkeiten zu überwinden oder sich mehr zu vertrauen. Einige von diesen Leuten hatten sehr professionelle Ziele, wie die Erhöhung oder Präsentation.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That is the ideal zone for having good conversation over Zoom.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So I think that that's why we can sometimes, at least introverts, feel like, don't FaceTime me, it's way too personal. It's because there's a setup there that it's actually accidentally tricking you into being in the intimate zone with someone. This is also why loud bars and nightclubs work so well for facilitating romantic relationships.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What happens in a loud bar or a loud nightclub is you can't hear someone. So you go, what? And then you get a little bit closer and all of a sudden you're accidentally
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
standing in someone's intimate zone, which then that cue cycle begins to kick in, where you're like, well, if I'm standing within a foot and a half from this person, maybe I should feel intimate with them, which then makes you lean more, makes you want to touch more. That is why people go to bars and nightclubs to facilitate these romantic relationships.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's accidentally going into the intimate zone.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Du bist charismatisch, aber du lehnst dich höher auf Kompetenz. Also, lasst uns das mal zusammenfassen, okay? Also, das ist nicht mein Arbeit. Das ist das Arbeit von Dr. Susan Fiske. Das ist ein Instrumentalstudium. Es wurde in 2002 viele Male wiedergegeben, dass man fand, dass man, um charismatisch zu sein, beide hohe Wärme und hohe Kompetenz braucht.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Andere Leute waren so sozial aufgeregt und so traurig, dass sie keine Freunde machen konnten. Andere Leute suchten ihre Freundin oder Partnerin. Und 400.000 Studenten haben mir gesagt, dass dieses Framework funktioniert.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Or more importantly, you have to signal high warmth and high competence. And this makes up 82% of impressions of people. Warmth, trust, likability, friendliness, competence, power, reliability, capability. So very highly charismatic people. You meet them, you see them, and they are signaling, you can trust me, you like me, and boy am I reliable and competent at the very same time.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So when I say, you are charismatic, but you lean very high in competence, which means that people can see you as cold or stoic if you're not showing enough warmth cues. Have you been told that?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Frauen werden in der Wärme defaultiert. Typisch nicht immer. Das ist kein schlechtes Ding, aber ihr solltet wissen, dass wenn ihr versucht, als Wärmer auf eurem Team zu kommen, ihr versucht, mehr Zusammenarbeit zu inspirieren, ihr versucht, mehr Freunde zu machen, ihr wollt eure Wärme-Qs aufrufen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Wenn ihr jemanden seid, der viel unterruft, nicht ernst genommen wird, vergessen Leute, euch zu treffen, müsst ihr die Kompetenz aufrufen. This is like a thermostat. You can dial up warmth cues and dial up competence cues and this changes the way people treat you. So I have five power cues for competence and I have five warm cues for warmth. We're going to go through all of those.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Those are those folks that are stoic. If you don't send enough warmth cues, if you don't send enough competence cues, people cannot trust you. They have trouble working with you. They have trouble talking to you. This is the curse of very smart people. Very smart people think, my ideas will stand alone. My book smarts are great. I don't need to communicate these cues. My ideas are enough.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's what happened to Jamie Simenoff in the tank. He did not show enough warmth or competence cues. He relied solely on his ideas and his numbers, and he could not get a deal. So people who want to be taken seriously, you have to show warmth and competence. The other problem with highly competent folks, and you lean higher in competence, this is for you too, which is directly from the research,
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Oder tatsächlich, Extroverten lehren es. Also ich habe das Quintessentielle gelesen, wie man Freunde und Influencer in der Vergangenheit gewinnen kann. Und das ist ein wundervoller Buch, aber es ist ein Buch, das von einem Extrovert geschrieben wird.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Too much competence without enough warmth leaves people feeling suspicious. So no matter how competent you are, no matter how good your ideas are, if you are not showcasing that with warmth, people are skeptical of you. And this is what happens with a lot of my students, is they're like, people don't trust me. They don't believe my ideas. They're skeptical. I get pushback or I do sales trainings.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They can't close. You'll push back on their numbers. And that is because some part of them is saying, I hear your competence, but you're not giving me enough warmth.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ah, okay. Okay? Too warm is, so we'll talk about the five warmth cues. Too much of any cue is dangerous. Right? So, too much nodding, too much laughing, too much vocalizations. Those are all too warm and they make us think this person is a bimbo or a ditz or not competent. That's what happens. We have too much warmth that takes away from our competence.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Let's start with the power cues.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes, power cues. Let me get some more power cues. Okay, so we talked about the importance of hand gestures. There is a very good competent hand gesture, which everyone should know if you want to be perceived as higher in competence. It's called the steeple.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Oh, yes. It's on the cover of my book if you want to see it. Yes, this is when your hands look like a little steeple. They're kind of relaxed open. It's a triangle for anyone that can't, kind of like a triangle. Yeah, a triangle. It's a power pose for the hands. Why? If you were doing this pose, you're showing I'm not hiding anything from you. You can still see my palms, but I am very... Ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Wenn du nicht natürlich Extrovert bist, ich bin nicht natürlich Extrovert, ich bin mehr ambivert, es ist sehr schwierig, zu lernen, wie man kommunizieren kann, wenn du nicht natürlich gegen Menschen gravitate. I was like, there has to be a way to teach introverts and ambiverts to be able to feel confident without having to fake it till you make it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, ja, ja. Und jede und jedes Bild von mir aus meinen Fotos, da war ich lachend. Und meine wundervolle Fotografin, Maggie Kirkland, hat gesagt, Vanessa, können wir nur einen von euch seriös machen? Und ich war so, aber ich bin nicht seriös. Sie hat gesagt, nur einen, nur deinen mächtigsten Power-Cue. Und das ist der einzige Bild. Und das war der, den wir für ihn entschieden haben.
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also es ist einfach lustig, weil es ein sehr hohes Kompetenz-Cue ist. Also ihr könnt den Steeple probieren, aber seid vorsichtig, nicht mit dem falschen Finger zu tun. Das ist ein hohes Kompetenz-Cue.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So it's a perfect balance, right? So one, I have the steeple cue, competence gesture. Two, I'm angled towards you, my body is angled towards you, which is a warmth cue, that's fronting. My toes are angled towards you, which is warmth. I also have a smoldering eye contact look, which is high competence, which we can talk about. And I have an up face, right? I'm not in my resting, bothered face.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So that's a slight warmth cue.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, es ist wie ein willkommenes Level von Macht. Wir haben es geschafft. Jetzt muss ich mit dem nächsten machen. Okay, Steeple. Zweitens, das ist ein seltsamer. Das wichtigste Messing auf deinem ganzen Körper. ist die Distanz zwischen deiner Eierlobe und deiner Schulter. Diese Distanz hier. Schau.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Wenn ich das in der Interview die ganze Zeit tue, wenn ich eine sehr kleine Distanz zwischen meiner Eierlobe und meiner Schulter hätte, würde ich anstrengend aussehen. Ich würde auch eine wirklich schwierige Zeit haben, dir Vokalkraft zu geben. Du hättest eine schwierige... Glaubst du mir?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Right, I look nervous. There is a direct correlation between confidence and anxiety and the distance between our shoulder and our earlobe. And very quickly we're trying to just assess someone in the first few seconds of seeing them. We're trying to assess how confident are you, can I catch it? We don't like people who are anxious.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
We don't want to talk to someone like this because we don't want to catch that anxiety. But we do want to talk to someone who has the max distance between their earlobes and their shoulder.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So when you're in a first impression, also in your profile pictures, I want a relaxed distance, shoulders down, earlobes out, which is another reason why I like that this is how your table is set up, because it pushes my shoulders down so I have a max distance. That makes me look more confident, but it also makes me feel more confident. There's a look here.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Without having to pretend to be extroverted or outgoing to be taken seriously or to be charismatic. What's an Ambervert? So Amberverts get energy from the right people in the right places. So for example, in this interview, I love one-on-one conversations. I feel myself. But if we were to go to a loud bar or a nightclub, I would completely shut down and want to be alone.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So when you do the steeple and then you roll your shoulders down and back, you will begin to feel more confident. Don't you feel that?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Actually, they're the same distance. So you want to actually keep your chin level. And if you can help it, you don't want to actually look down your nose at someone. It's quite a scornful, judgmental. Exactly. So you just noticed it even when I did it. So it's not this, it's just this. So maximizing this difference. Okay. Third one. I love eye contact. We all know good eye contact is important.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But here's what you might not know about good eye contact. Eye contact is a power move when you look at someone at the end of your sentence. So we're very used to if someone's thinking about something and they're processing something in their head and I'm telling you that there were 465 gestures in a TED Talk, that is the most important way that I want to showcase something to you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That we like it when someone is actually accessing different memories or areas of their brain, but then when I end my sentence looking right at you, you're like, Highly competent people make eye contact specifically at the end of their sentences to drill a point and ideally when the other person is saying something important.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
The worst advice I hear people give, body language experts give, make more eye contact. Make 100% eye contact. Okay. Actually, in Western culture, as they've studied this, the ideal amount of eye contact is between 60 and 70% of the conversation. If you make over 70% eye contact, it's actually considered a territorial gesture.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So if I were making 100% eye contact with you, it would feel very invasive, very awkward. We like it when someone is processing or gathering information from around. Like if I'm processing something or I'm thinking about something or I'm accessing, all that matters is at the end of my point, I'm looking right at you. And that feels so much more powerful.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah, that's number three. Fourth one, one of my favorites. It's called a lower lid flex. Lower lid flex is one of the least utilized, but one of my favorite cues. So, biologically speaking... When we are trying to see something far away, we harden our lower lids. I'm trying to read the titles on your bookshelf. I harden my lower lids.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That is because when our eye is trying to see far, it squints to block out the light. So you'll see more details in my face when you harden your lower lid at me. So harden your lower lid. If you look at People's Sexiest Man Alive, almost every man in that magazine is... Ja, genau. So a lower lid flex is a great power cue to use in moderation, right? Nothing too much.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That when someone is saying something on a date or in a meeting or a colleague is saying something really important and you want to show them, I am really listening. That lower lid flex shows them, I am super focused and intense on you. That is why women find men who do the lower lid flex very sexy. Because they feel like, oh, he's really focusing on me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Amberverts can dial up extroversion to hit their goals so that they know they have to be friendly and meet people for an interview or a position. They can do it. But they need lots of recharge time. The reason why it's important to know if you're an Ambervert is because you should know... What are the people and places that drain you?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Now, there's a little side note to the lower lid flex. Lower lid flex is not, it's inherently in itself a positive cue. It's a cue of focus, right? If you are in a presentation or a meeting and you say something and someone suddenly lid flexes at you, You might have just said something and they're like, really?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So for me, this was a game-changing moment as I was giving a presentation to a bunch of executives. And I said something about Oxytocin, which is the hormone of love and cuddle and connection. And he goes, I saw him lower lid flex at me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I don't know if he, I don't remember if he turned his head. But all I noticed is that distinctly he went from mm-hmm, mm-hmm to... Ah, yes. Und ich habe gesagt, macht das Sinn? Gibt es Fragen? Also, wenn Sie einen niedrigen Lidflex sehen, ist Ihre beste Wahl, mehr Informationen zu sammeln. Das macht Sinn. Alles gut. Gibt es Fragen für mich? Wie fühlen wir uns über das?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also habe ich gesagt, gibt es Fragen für mich? Und er sagt, und ich schaute direkt auf ihn, ich habe gesagt, gibt es Fragen für mich? Er hat gesagt, weißt du, I think they gave my wife oxytocin in labor. Is that the same thing? And it's true that they give a form of oxytocin to induce women in labor. That's how strong oxytocin is. In high doses, it will put women into labor.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's a form, it's called Pitocin. I said, you're absolutely right. In medical settings, they can give synthetic forms of oxytocin to push women into labor. That was a moment for me, because one, as I realized, I was able to stop the skepticism and the confusion right there. Before we moved on to anything else. And now when I teach Oxytocin, I say, in social settings, Oxytocin means this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Because in medical settings, it means something different. So noticing that lower lid flex is incredibly important for you to understand where you might have a hint of skepticism or a hint of confusion. If you're in a sales meeting or a presentation, you want to make sure you have addressed whatever that person is flexing about before you move on.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also für meine Leute, die hören, die sagen, ich hasse Leute und ich verstehe es. Ready for the fifth one? I'm ready for the fifth. Okay, the fifth one. This is a vocal cue. So we talked a lot about body language cues, but vocal cues are incredibly important. Vocal cues... Tell someone how you are feeling about them and how you feel about yourself.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
There are certain people when you open your calendar and you look at it and you're like, oh, I have to be with that person. That is someone that drains you. They do not bring out your extroversion or your natural love of people. There are also certain people who you feel you could talk to for hours. They give you social energy. They charge your social battery.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
One of the biggest ones is an accidental question inflection. A question inflection is when we go up at the end of our sentence. So it sounds like we're asking a question, even if we're actually using a statement. The research has actually looked at what the brain does when it hears an accidental question inflection.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If we are listening to someone and we hear them accidentally use the question inflection, our brain goes from listening to scrutinizing. Why? Our brain wonders, why did you ask me that? Liars typically accidentally use the question inflection. If I say to my daughter, did you take the cookie from the cookie jar? And she goes, no. Liars are asking, do you believe this?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So we have noticed, we did a massive experiment in our lab where we had people play two truths and a lie with us. So share two truths about themselves and a lie. And we found overwhelmingly one of the biggest patterns, there was a couple of different patterns, but one of the biggest ones was that liars asked their lie statement. So it would sound like this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Here, you can play with me and I'll add the question reflection to one. I love dogs. I live in Austin, Texas. And I love cilantro.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's like a crime against humanity. Why do people put cilantro on anything? So we notice people ask the lie because they were asking, do you believe this? So our brain is very adept at this. If we hear the accidental question inflection used, we go, wait a minute, is someone lying to me? The biggest mistake that salespeople make is they get through their entire pitch and they ask their number.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So it sounds like this. Hi, we'd love to do business with you. We'd love to have your project and the cost of this service is $5,000. If you ask your number, you are begging people to negotiate with you. If you are asking for a raise or you are asking for a certain salary and you ask it, you are signaling to the other person, I don't really believe this number and you shouldn't either.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So the power cue, number five power cue, is using the downward inflection. Highly competent people, they do not mistakenly use the question inflection. They actually go down at the end of their sentences. President Obama was very good at, is very good at slinging down his words, which makes you want to listen. So it sounds like this. I'm going to say nothing so you can hear it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
The problem in this country is that we don't take seriously enough the issues of our people. And if we don't take those issues seriously, we will be in grave trouble. Interesting. Interesting. Most often I hear people ask their own name and it destroys their vocal charisma. So that would be, my name is Vanessa Van Edwards. Not my name is Vanessa Van Edwards.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So the very first thing I have students do is sit and make a list. Who are the people who give you energy, who charge you up? Untertitelung aufgrund der Audioqualität nicht möglich.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Your perceptions of my confidence in those two introductions are radically different. There's a study that looked at this and they looked at the vocal statements of surgeons. They had surgeons come into their lab and record 10-second voice tone clips, the clips that are most important when they're meeting patients. Their name, their specialty and where they worked. Something like this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Hi, my name is Dr. Edwards. I specialize in oncology and I work at Children's Presbyterian Hospital. They took these clips and they warbled the words. So you could hear the volume, the pace, the cadence, but not the actual words being said. So it sounded like this. Hallo. Hallo. Hallo. Hallo. I worked very hard on practicing that, by the way. That's amazing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Because it has to sound like me, but nothing. They took these clips and they had people rate these surgeons on warmth and competence. The two things that we know are most important for charisma. The doctors who had the lowest ratings of warmth and competence had the highest rate of malpractice lawsuits. In other words, we don't sue doctors based on their skills.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
We sue doctors based on our perception of their skills and that happens within the first few seconds of hearing them. So if you give the question inflection on your name, on your specialty, on what you do, people begin to doubt you. So the bad doctors sounded like this. Hi, my name is Dr. Edwards. I specialize in oncology and I work at Children's Presbyterian Hospital.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Those doctors got rated as low in both warmth and competence because their brains were going, why are they asking? Are they not sure? I'm not sure either.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So practice your name, your price.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That was the upward inflection. And didn't it feel different?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And you use a lot of downward inflection, except when you're asking questions, which we like.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Right? That's why you lean higher in competence, is you use already a lot of downward inflection.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Danke.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes, yes. There is an effect where we think that people know how we feel. Specifically, it's called signal amplification bias. It's a name for this study, which is that we think our signals are obvious, that if we like someone or if we're having a good time, we think, oh, they for sure know it. They don't. Oh, the three magic phrases, we never finish them.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
This is why liars use less gestures. But a known tool like that is critical if you're trying to set yourself up for success.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's why you say, I was just thinking of you. That's a way of assuring someone, I do think of you, only if it's true. The second one is, you're always so... Ja. Ja. We are so honored when we get brain space that you remembered and you're going to bring it up. And you specifically bring up something that they lit up with. Something they were like, oh, it was great. It was exciting.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It was wonderful. Those are my three magic phrases. And it's because they are fighting that signal implication bias. I have no idea if you like this interview. I have no idea if you like my work. I have no idea. And the more that you can broadcast those symbols, those signals, the more people actually like you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And that would be off-brand for you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
No, it would be off-brand for you. Right, it's too much. Okay, so five warmth cues. So, for those of you who are listening, the five power cues I just shared, those are if you think you are really high in warmth, but you worry that people don't take you seriously, Vielen Dank. First, we love a triple nod. Research has found that if we do a slow triple nod, the other person speaks 67% longer.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, also Kurs kommen in vier verschiedene Kanäle. Es gibt Körpersprache, also Fascial Expressions, Gestures, Posture. Aber es gibt auch Vokal. Also Vokal-Kurs sind der Ton unserer Stimme, unser Rhythmus, unser Volumen, unsere Kadenz. And what about what we say?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So as an interview, this is a great cue. Watch, so here's my triple nod. We love it. It's like a nonverbal dot, dot, dot. It's like, tell me more, tell me more. Now, be careful, don't bobble head. So you don't want to do it too much. Right, that's too high and warm. And second, you don't want to do it too fast. Too fast of a triple nod is impatience. It means shut up. Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So if you want someone to wrap a question, yeah, that's it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So here's for everyone watching, here's good. Please hurry up. Yeah, that's shut the fuck up. I've seen that before. And it works. It's a really nice way of saying please wrap, please end. So I love a warm triple nod, but you have to be careful with it. Okay, so that's cue number one. Second. A head tilt.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So universally, if we're trying to hear something, we tilt our head up and we expose our ear, right? As if we're saying, what was that? Like dogs do this when they're like, you know, and they expose their ear. Humans also do this across cultures because it's kind of a way that we're like, oh, I'm listening to this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Research has found that if you deliver bad news with a head tilt, you are more likable. So people take the news better if you deliver bad news with a slight head tilt. Because it literally makes you look more warm. It literally makes you look like you're listening. Now, I only want you to do this when you're actually listening.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But a head tilt is also a way that you can slightly add warmth to your conversation or to your interview or to your date. Okay, so we're going to go back to that. So we don't want to go too far. That looks weird. A little weird. Not too much. And I also like to teach a head tilt to my highly warm folks who are bobbleheaders. So if anyone, if you're like, oh, I do this a lot. I'm a bobbleheader.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I'm a recovering bobbleheader. Because I like to, people like me. So I'll nod too much. If you are a bobbleheader, you can train yourself to replace it with the head tilt. Because it's physically impossible to head tilt while you nod. So if you're a bobbleheader, just head tilt.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Just such a small... That one little thing. You know that you mentioned the book The Game.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I know a lot about that world. And there's a funny trick they teach, which I'll teach you. It's not part of my warmth cues, but I'm going to teach it to you, because I think it's interesting.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Don't let anyone use this on you. Okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Don't use this on anyone else. But so there's this thing that NLP people will do or pickup artists will do where they move their hand like this and it begins, the other person will begin to nod because typically when we do this with our hand, the other person starts to nod, which makes you think, I agree, I agree, I agree.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I'm moving my hand up and down in a nodding yes motion. And so what I've noticed very manipulative people will do is they'll be doing this, they speak like, don't you understand what I'm saying? Do you get this? Another person will start to nod. And I've seen audiences, entire audiences will start nodding. And then you think to yourself, well, I'm nodding, so I must agree with this person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's a secret way to get someone to secretly agree with you. So just be careful, don't make sure no one uses that on you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You're just kind of like, for anyone that can't see, she's... Like we're rolling something forward. And then you're like, I want to... It's really hard to not nod your head when someone's doing this, which then makes you feel like you agree with them.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Das ist sehr seltsam. Also lasst niemandem das tun. Und verwendet es nicht.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich lehne es nicht in meinen Büchern, weil ich mich für die Leute kümmere. Es ist zu mächtig. Es ist zu mächtig. Okay, Doppelknoten, Hände drücken. Eins und zwei. Okay. Drittes. Wir haben es schon über dieses Thema gesprochen. Ein authentischer Lächeln. Ein Lächeln, das bis in deine Augen reicht. Höchstwärme Leute machen das authentische Lächeln mehr.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich mag keinen falschen Lächeln, also möchte ich, dass du es nur in deinem authentischen Lächeln machst. Was war das? Das war mein authentischer Lächeln.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's good.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I can tell you're lying. Mrs. Body Language, I can tell you're lying. That was better.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That doesn't mean it's good. I'm looking for good.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Oh, we love a lean. When in the proxemic zones, right, we're in those four zones, if someone's leaning into you, it shows they're literally trying to cross from that zone very, very subtly. And so you'll notice very highly charismatic people who you want to be friends with, they'll be like, tell me more, tell me everything. And they lean in really close to you and that makes you also feel closer.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So if you want to be seen as higher in warmth, you can do this as a speaker. So you can lean in as you bold an important point. Like when I make an important point for you, I lean into it. I'm like, listen to this, this is good. But if I'm listening to you and you say something good, I'll be like, what?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So you can do it as a speaker and as a listener and it immediately adds more warmth.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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I would say it means do more research. I think that gut feelings are incredibly important because, you know, the best cue reading machine we have is our subconscious. Our subconscious or unconscious is picking up on lots of cues that we can't consciously know. We can't consciously know that we're smelling adrenaline, but we are smelling it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So I think that's a very important thing to pay attention to. It doesn't mean you should cut them out, but I think it's time to do more research. Are they truly happy for you? Are they truly rooting for you? Are they secretly angry or jealous?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's possible that you're in a loop with them. You're expecting that bad thing and that expectation becomes reality. They've studied this, that the Pygmalion effect is real. If you expect not to like someone, you send off more unlikable cues. They feel unliked and so they don't like you either. And so it could be that you're in a loop with this person that maybe you make them feel the same way.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also, ich wusste nicht, wie mächtig unsere Worte sind. Und hier ist ein Studium, das wirklich die Art und Weise verändert, wie ich darüber denke. Ein sehr einfaches Studium. Sie haben die Leute in den Labor gebracht und sie haben sie in zwei verschiedene Gruppen gesammelt. In einer Gruppe sagten sie, heute werden Sie das Gemeinschafts-Spiel spielen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, if I were you, they're important to you?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so I would recommend asking questions that will level you up with them to level two. So my guess is you might be stuck in level one with them because you're obviously uncomfortable with them. Research shows that the more commonalities we have someone, the more that we understand them, the more compassion we have with them, the more that we like someone.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So I wonder if we could level up your relationship with them so you get to know them better, which means you'll like them more. And if you make it through these six or seven questions and you still don't like them, then maybe they're not your person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, can I give you some questions for them?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Please. So here are my favorite, I call these Level 1, Level 2, Level 3 questions. In the framework that I'm researching right now, it's not done yet, I have four questions for each level and I'm working through these questions. But here are the questions that I think are the shortcut to connection.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Are you working on anything exciting recently? So stop asking what do you do. Stop asking how are you. Stop asking how's it going. That's why you hate people. If you're asking those questions, of course you're going to hate people. Those are the most boring questions anyone's ever asked. Can I give you a challenge? A challenge. Here's one challenge from this podcast. Stop asking, what do you do?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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For 30 days, I want you to go on a what do you do diet. Asking what do you do is telling the person's brain, stay on autopilot. I know. No, no more. We're on a diet.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also fragen sie auch, was du tust, ist fragen, was du wert bist. Und wenn jemand nicht definiert ist, was sie tun, ist es eigentlich eine rüde Frage.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und sie antworteten, sie gingen...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und sie spielten eine Art Prisoner's Dilemma-Game. In der zweiten Gruppe kamen sie in die gleiche Raum, die gleiche Forscherin, und sie sagten, guten Morgen, heute werden Sie das Wall Street-Spiel spielen. Der Trick war, die Spiele waren genau das gleiche. Es gab keine Unterschiede zwischen den beiden Spielen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so we're going on a diet. Everyone for the next 30 days, we're going on a diet. No more what do you do. You're going to replace it with working on anything exciting these days or working on anything exciting recently. This is permission connection. You ask someone that question, you are giving them permission. If they want to tell you about what they do, oh, they will.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Oh yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If they are not defined by what they do, they'll tell you something better. And that also gives you really good nuggets for the next time you see them when you can say, hey, how was that? Vielen Dank. Wenn du diese Frage fragst, wirst du eine von zwei Antworten bekommen. Einer, wenn jemand dich schließt. Ich glaube nicht an Ziele. Nicht meine Person. Nicht meine Person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich bin eine großartige Person. Wenn jemand das sagt, bin ich so, cool, peace. Wir werden nicht sehr gut zusammenkommen, weil ich viele Ziele habe. Oder sie werden sagen, oh. And they're going to tell you about goals. That's also a great thing you can follow up on, because then when you see them a month later or a week later or a year later, you can be like, hey, how did that go?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und dann ist es schwieriger. Das ist eine Selbstnarrativ-Frage. Möchten wir eine selbstnarrativere Frage nehmen?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also, wenn wir in eine Selbstnarrativ-Frage kommen und du versuchst herauszufinden, ob du dich selbst oder jemand anderes als Narrativ befindest, willst du die Frage stellen. Es klingt unangenehm, aber es ist nicht. Welcher Buch, Film oder TV-Charakter ist am meisten wie du und warum? It's kind of a silly like dinner party question. It's like sort of sounds casual.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Was sie gefunden haben, war, dass jeder, der gesagt wurde, dass sie das Wall Street-Spiel spielen, ein Average von einem Drittel ihres Profits teilt. Everyone who was told they were playing the community game shared an average of two-thirds of their profits.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But the answer to this question is so incredibly important. And here's an example. How someone relates to characters, their values or personality is how they see themselves. And people's answers will shock you. I'll give you one example. I was friends with someone for six years. One of my closest friends saw them all the time. Weekends. We went on weekend trips together.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I thought I knew her so well. I was like, I know her. I asked her this question and I hypothesized, this is all my research for my next book. I was like, I hypothesized she's a mom of three, super funny, super savvy. I was like, she's going to pick a great TV mom character that's super savvy and funny. I asked her.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
She thinks about it for maybe one second and goes, Katniss Everdeens from The Hunger Games. I was like, the one who's fighting for her life? She's like, yeah, that's how I feel every day. And we, for the first time in six years, had a conversation about how she feels about her day that was totally different than anything I had ever known.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That she feels scared and lonely and that she is fighting for survival. And it was the first time that I truly connected with her. I cannot tell you how many times the answer to this question has changed for people in my life. And I'm like careful which examples to use because I'm worried that they're going to be watching.
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But has changed my relationship with people in my life based on how they see themselves. Nicht, wie ich sie sehe, sondern wie sie sich sehen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und du musst jemanden korrigieren. Wenn jemand sagt, wie er sieht, sagst du, er sieht wie er sieht, er hat eine persönliche Persönlichkeit.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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This means that that one word, community game, community, made people think and feel more about community and made them act more collaboratively. This means that the words we're using in our emails, our subjects, our texts, our LinkedIn profile headlines are cuing people for how they should treat us. Eine wirklich simple Way to think about this is your calendar.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And do you feel you've found it? Found the... Found it? Happiness? Are you at the end of the movie?
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Because there's... Like, I think I've found it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Like, not the end of your movie. It's not the end of your life movie. But like, in that example, we could have a long discussion about like, what is... Have you made it?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Yeah, yes, yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, das ist wahr. Du bist nie am Ende des Films. Aber wenn du fühlst, dass du es gemacht hast, bedeutet das, dass du Freiheit hast, Dinge zu suchen und für Bedeutung zu arbeiten.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Das waren andere Menschen. Also, das ist eine sehr akkurate Frage. That's how I think of Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happiness. A little bit. You never really see him truly happy in that movie.
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That's why I ask, did you get it? You pursued it, you're here.
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That's what I think.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I wonder what you're chasing after. I don't know.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But I think that you're interviewing for something. When I watch your interviews, which are amazing, I'm like, he's trying to find the answer to something. What is it?
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I do love a quest and I love pursuing and I think humans are built to pursue things. But I also think, I hope, I'm not here yet, I'm getting there, that there's a point in our life where we can stop the grind. I think I'm grinding a little bit in my career. I don't know if you feel like that. Like I've made it. I feel like I've made it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I send out calendar invites multiple times a week to clients, to friends. When we have meeting, one-on-one, call, video, interview, I am being cued for nothing. Those words are so overused, they're sterile. If you add cues that prime people to feel or think a certain way, you're actually setting them up for success.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I'm luckier than I ever, I can't believe I get paid to do what I do. But I'm still pursuing, pursuing. I hope there's a point in my life where I can just be sharing wisdom. Es ist nicht ein Nummer oder eine Liste. All I'm doing is sharing wisdom and giving out public education. I'm hopeful that there is a stage of our life where it's just that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja.
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Okay, here's why. Too much of a lean is a bad thing. It's called a bow. If you lean too far over, you get very quickly into bowing or submissive behavior. We don't like people who are submissive to us. We want equals. And so you're absolutely right. What triggers in the brain if you're leaning too much is literally, I am subservient to you. And that makes someone who does not want to be
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
in an unequal relationship feel very uneasy. So that is why too much of a lean, always with these nonverbal accusers, too much of a good thing. You lean too much, it's a concerted bow. You also don't want to lean the entire time because then you look like a hunchback. Right?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And it's distracting. Like, I want to lean in as a bold or a highlight. If I were to be reading a book and highlight the entire page, the highlight means nothing. If you lean in when someone's like, what? Really? And then I lean back, then it's powerful. Every single one of these cues we are using as a bold or an emphasis or a highlight. Just enough of a good thing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You're highlighting.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, five. Nonverbal bridge. So this is a concept that I learned on the road. So I saw this in action in a lot of our experiments. We did a big speed networking experiment in our lab where we had 500 speed networkers try out different conversation starters. We recorded them, we coded their conversations and we looked for patterns of good and bad conversations.
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And we found there were certain questions that worked better than others and there were certain questions that did terribly. And one thing we found is that when people rated a conversation on a five scale, like five amazing best conversations I had, we're going to connect on LinkedIn, I think I like them. The best ones, they used a lot of nonverbal bridges.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So 2025 wins, collaborative session, strategy meeting, goal meeting, goal overview, teamwork collab session. Those words are actually cuing that person's brain every single time they open their calendar, that when we read a word like collaborate, we are literally more likely to be collaborative. So the words that we use, even one single word can actually change the way people think.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Nonverbal bridges are when someone is trying to bridge the distance between you. So that could be a lean conversation. Vielen Dank. So, have you seen this, like, on a really good date? Have you ever been in a restaurant? Like, my husband and I like to play this game where we look and we try to guess a couple. Yes. Very, like, new couple, old couple, how they're doing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
In a very good date, they are looking for as many opportunities to touch as they possibly can. That's a nonverbal bridge. So, even if I were to be like, oh, let me tell you something, like that slight reach out, top of the knuckles, top of the arm, that's a quick saying, I'm going to reach into your intimate zone, but I'm not going into your intimate zone.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And really good relationships, really warm people are those, they are bridging all the time. They walk by you, they touch your shoulder, they say, how's it going? Hey, I was thinking about you. They're constantly doing these very small bridges and that couldn't, might not be actual a physical touch. It could even be the look of a touch.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Like one thing that I teach my students who are uncomfortable with touch is you can even touch without touching. That sounds really weird, but like put your arm closer to me so I can demo it for you. So let's pretend that we're at dinner. I could be like, oh my gosh, really?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But it did the same thing.
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Not quite. No, but it kind of did. Yeah, but you were like, I get it. She's trying to close the intimacy of the distance. So nonverbal bridges. Trying to reach out, reach into someone's face very briefly and come back. Trying to lean into someone's face very briefly. This is why giving people things or serving people is such a warm thing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You hand someone a drink, like you come to my office, I offer you hot chocolate, I offer you tacos, I want to break the social scripts, I want to give you something different, and I'm looking for reasons to serve you.
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Yeah. I'm in Austin, Texas.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah, horrible. Can we address the hug issue? Please. Okay. You need to signal what kind of greeting you want from the moment someone first sees you. You can stop awkward greetings from happening with simple nonverbal cues. Here's what they are. You want a handshake? So good to see you. I want you to be doing this from 10 feet away. So good to see you. I'll come in with it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah, you're literally signaling to someone, so good to see you, right? This immediately signals their brain, don't try to give me an awkward hug. Don't side hug me, don't hug me, we're handshaking. Okay, Arms out. Okay. Okay. Which is kind of... One arm up, people are like, do I shake it? Do I side hug? Are we going to hug? Are we going to high five? Are we going to fist bump?
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
If you want a fist bump, you're coming in with a fist bump.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I do not like hugging people when I first meet them. I was pitching a TV show about recovering awkward people. I had a very big network and I walk into the pitch room and at that point I was a hugger. Or I was, I thought I should hug because that was one of the things in L.A. L.A. people are huggers and cheat kissers a lot.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so I was like, I walk into them and I say, oh, it's so nice to meet you. I'm a hugger. Oh, yeah. And the exec goes, I'm not. Oh, God. Just cringe. Oh, God. Just, I died inside. I died inside. And you know what? That pitch went terribly. Do I have a TV show called Recovering Awkward Person? No, I don't. That's because I think I hugged him. And I went forward with it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so I will never do that again. So now I never, ever say I'm a hugger and I always offer my hand. Now, if someone says to me, oh, but I'm a hugger and they wave my hand away, no problem.
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's a lot of warmth. And I know a lot about a person when they tell me, I'm a hugger.
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
High warmth, probably a people pleaser, over eager, really want to connect, probably feel lonely, a little bit afraid, and I want to make them feel as liked as possible.
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The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I've hugged a lot of people. Also, you know, I have amazing students. You know, we have millions of views on our YouTube channel. And they feel like they know me. And so if they want to hug me, I'm totally okay with it. Because I've been in their bed. I've been in their living room. I've been in their kitchen TV. I've been on their phone. I've shared my stories with them.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And I understand why they want to hug me. Because we feel like friends. And that actually is a compliment.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I do like it. Like when a student says, oh my gosh, I love you. I love Captivate. I'm like, come here.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Hast du gesagt, du bist ein guter Hugger?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And they told me to like... We don't like being tapped on the head. We don't like being tapped on the back. It's a submissive cue, right? It's like you'll notice power players in politics will sometimes demean someone by going, hey, bud. Okay. And I like a two-second hug. By the way, there is research on the length of handshakes. I haven't seen research on the length of hugs.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But a handshake should be between one and three pumps or one and three seconds. So, for example, we're shaking it one, two, three. That's good. And typically they found that if we do a three-second shake, it's with a new person. So our first shake was about three seconds. Because we didn't know each other. But if I were to see you again, like, oh, it's so good to see you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So typically, if you already know someone, you're just like doing a quick reading, it's a one second. And if you don't know someone, it's a three second.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Das ist so, wie ich mich fühle. Ich habe mein Arm zurückgegeben. Du willst auch beachten, dass du, wenn du ein Handshake machst, einen Thumb-Up eröffnest. Thumb-Up ist wirklich wichtig. Du wirst bemerken, dass bestimmte politische Power-Spieler hören, wenn... Ja, sie werden dich fliegen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und er zieht dich wirklich. Und er zieht dich. Er zieht dich weg. Ich habe nie mit ihm gehalten, also weiß ich nicht. Aber ich habe viele Videos gesehen. Und er zieht deine Hand, schlägt dich hoch. Es ist ein sehr gefährliches Ort zu sein. Wir mögen es nicht als Menschen, diese Arterien hoch zu haben. Also fliegt er dich. Und er zieht dich weg.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
No, I don't think it's either.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And how many people did you say you've taught people skills to? 400,000 students. And is there a particular case study that stands out to you as being the most extreme in terms of success?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay. None of the cues I teach are manipulative in that way. That is purposely trying to get someone off balance, to give them disequilibrium. I like relationships to be equal. That's why I want you to offer a thumb up. I also don't want you to offer your hand up, where you're saying, I'm going to be submissive to you. We don't like that. So, thumb up.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I can't remember where I learned it, but I learned that if you cut...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Kippen ist wirklich warm. Es ist doppelt so warm. Es ist doppelt so warm wie Oxytocin. Es ist wie ein Handhug. Es ist super hoch und warm. Es ist auch der Politiker's Handshake genannt. Du willst es nur machen, wenn du wirklich und wirklich Wärme zeigen möchtest. Sonst kommt es als forcet.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I also, speaking of like weird signals, I've heard this about men, that men to men have two different kinds of nods. Tell me if you think this is true. So if you walk down the hallway and you see a man you know, you go, hey, nod up. If you see a man you don't know, you go, morning. Okay. Okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And I trust you. It's a way of being like, I'm willing to expose this. I trust you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So I've noticed that. Women don't do that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Oh yes, not down is stranger.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So interesting.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes. Purposeful movement. A big mistake I see CEOs make on stage is they either don't have purposeful movements, they pace the stage back and forth, or they're stuck in one point and they don't move from that point and it makes them look very stiff. I believe you should block your speeches, just very subtly.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So interesting. They also know that 82% of our impressions of people are based on warmth and competence. So if you worry that people don't take you seriously, you have trouble getting raises, you feel anxious and overwhelmed, I have five power cues for competence. But if you have ever been told you're intimidating, hard to talk to, I want you to use these five warmth cues first.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So for example, I always, when I deliver, I start in the middle of the stage, always, always. So when I'm being introduced, right, your first few seconds on stage is the most important for your entire talk. So as you're being introduced, you walk on stage, pick a point and walk purposely to it. Don't meander on the stage.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You're walking right to the middle of the stage or the left of the stage, however you pick, and you're delivering your first opening lines, opening story in that middle point. That's where I like it. And that intention of walking on stage is going to make you look so much more confident and not disorganized or ambiguous. Then, if you can, this is for the advanced speaker and this is you, I think,
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You want to help your audience with your stage movement. So in my presentations, when I'm sharing science or fact or research, I'm on the left hand side of the stage. When I'm moving to personal story, gifts, anecdotes or a funny video, I'm on the right side of the stage. That is a way I'm helping my audience organize and categorize my talks.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I've also noticed in the audience there are highly warm people and there are highly competent people. Ich habe bemerkt, wenn ich sie so trainiere, ich mache einen 60-Minuten-Keynote, beginnen sie, es subkonsensuell zu erkennen. Meine höchst kompetenten Leute bemerken es direkt. Ich komme zur linken Seite der Bühne. Oh, das ist für mich. Und meine höchst warmen Leute sind wie, ha, mein Tag.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und es hilft ihnen wirklich, wissen zu werden, wann sie die größte Aufmerksamkeit zahlen. So you should think about, for your talks, you also can do this chronologically. Some of my students are like TED speakers and they're telling more of a chronological story as opposed to like making points.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I will often teach them to start, like we like to, you know, in Western cultures we read from left to right. I like them to actually start on the left hand side of the stage or the audience's left. Because the beginning of their story starts here. And they share their childhood. There's a picture of their childhood on the slide.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And they slowly begin to move over to the middle when the middle part of their journey happens. And they finally get to their arc, their knowledge, their aha moment. They're finally, they've made it over to the far side of the stage, the far right side of the stage.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Was muss ich darüber nachdenken? What emotion do you want your person to feel when they see your name in their inbox, on stage, in LinkedIn? That is the emotion that you want to label yourself. So, for example, in your talks, like for example in my talks, I am trying to acknowledge the pain of awkwardness. I don't want people to feel like they are unseen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes, and it's my very brilliant but stoic students. So I've noticed, especially over the last 10 years, because I've been doing this for about 17 years, in the last 10 years especially, my most extreme students are the students who are very, very smart, very talented and good at what they do, but they don't know what cues to send, and so they completely shut down.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So when I say you're overlooked, you're misunderstood, you're underestimated, you feel awkward and out of control and anxious and overwhelmed, I hear you, you're not alone, I've been there. Und dann die Lösung zu diesem Gefühl, wo es besser wird, ist Vertrauen und Präsenz und Memorabilität. Und der Mechanismus sind Blueprints und Formeln und starke Fähigkeiten.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Das hilft mir, dem Publikum eine Lösung-Emotion zu geben. Also für dich würde ich sagen, was sind die Schmerzpunkte, mit denen du deinen Publikum resonieren möchtest, damit sie dich hören, gesehen und verstanden fühlen können? What's the goal emotion that you want to give them from your talk, from your podcast, from the email that they're subscribing to? And then what's your mechanism?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What's your way that you do that?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes, that's it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes, another study by Dr. Richard Wiseman, who wanted to know, do you have to be perfect? Which for many years I wanted to be perfect. And then I realized, oh, there is no such thing as perfect. And I don't want to be that way. Very simple. He had a model selling a blender in a mall. And in one version she had the perfect pitch.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And I'll take your strawberries and your bananas and just hit the button and here you have perfect smoothies. And the second one, he had same smoothie, same pitch, same verbal. But she spills the smoothie on the table as she's pouring it. People bought more of the blender when she spilled the smoothie. Now, does this mean I want you to purposely spill your smoothies? No.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I did have a piece of kale in my teeth earlier and I really considered coming in with it just to see what would happen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I did think about it, but I didn't do it. But I do think there's like, stop trying to be perfect. Own your authentic vulnerabilities. Don't purposely spill a smoothie. Don't purposely spill your coffee. By the way, that experiment was repeated with coffee and job interviews. If I remember correctly, they had an audio clip and hirers were rating job candidates on performance.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And in one of the audio clips, they had him spill his coffee. Oh, whoops, oops, oops, sorry about that. I spilled my coffee. And then go back to the interview. And they rated that candidate as a better candidate, even though he spilled his coffee. Why? It's called the other shoe effect. We know that no one's perfect. We know this. It's impossible.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so when we're interacting with someone, even on a commercial, even interview, we're like, what's wrong with you? What is your imperfection? And it kind of distracts us. This research, The Other Shoe Effect, found the longer the interview goes on without something dropped, like without the other shoe to drop, the more the interviewer is like, hmm, what's going on here?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And the more they'll try to ask questions to try to find it. You are better off in an interview or on a date dropping your shoe So sharing, whatever that vulnerability or imperfection is, closer to the start of the interview or the date, because it helps the other person, A, get to know you better, but also not be so worried that they're not seeing your true imperfection.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Captivate, when I first wrote it, my intro was really, really boring. And my publisher, I love her, Nikki, my editor, wrote back and she's like, Vanessa, your intro doesn't sound like you. Es klingt, als ob du etwas, was du nicht bist, versuchst. Und sie war richtig. Ich versuchte, wie ein akademischer Forscher zu klingen. Ich bin kein akademischer Forscher.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They try to become stoic, unreadable, they try to have no facial expressions, they literally try to poker face all the time. Und als sie versuchen, Verbindungen zu schaffen, einen Partner zu schaffen, Freunde zu schaffen, die Leute nicht lieben, die Leute nicht vertrauen, sie können nicht in ihre Ideen einsteigen. Und das sind die Studenten, wo ich die größte Veränderung sehe.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ich bin ein Behauptungsforscher, ich bin ein Pop-Wissenschaftler, ich bin eine verheerende, schreckliche Person. Sie ist so, starte mit dem. Also die erste Linie von Captivate ist, hi, ich bin Vanessa, ich bin eine verheerende, schreckliche Person. Das ist, weshalb das Buch auf der Bestsellerliste hielt. Ich habe den Schuh verlassen. Yes, I teach charisma. Yes, I teach body language.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I am still in recovery. I am still constantly worried that people hate me. I have a small and wonderful group of friends, but otherwise people make me still nervous. I know how to deal with it. I know how to make conversation. But I want you to know there's still awkwardness here.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
No matter how many of these you learn, you're probably still going to face awkwardness and overwhelm, but at least it will be a little bit easier. So I think it's really important that we plan to share our inner perfections and not try to hide it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Well, first of all, what's true? The very first question is like, don't purposely spill the smoothie.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But is there such a thing as spending too long in either camp?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Different strokes for different folks. I think there are people who would stay over there forever.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I think they would still get likes. They would, of course they would. I think it would be okay. I mean, it would be miserable for you as a person, but if that's your brand, that's your brand.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yeah, like if that's the truth, if you're having a decade of Okay, you've got a decade of it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Sie erinnern sich nicht, dass Muten, Muten eurer Queues, eine Gefahrzone-Queue ist. Wenn du versuchst, stoisch und unzuredenbar zu sein, können die Leute literal nicht auf dich lesen. Und so haben meine größten Transformationen passiert, wenn ich sage, du musst deine echten Gefühle nicht verstecken. Es geht darum, sie mit den richtigen Kursen zu amplifizieren.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Stretch marks on the beach.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's exactly what happened. And those are people who have gone viral from those kind of posts. I do want to say something about personal branding. I think about it a little bit differently. So in the very last section of cues, I talk about visual cues.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
We have to remember that the cues in our brand, the colors we wear, what's behind you in your background, the props you're holding in your picture, what's behind you in your videos, they're triggering neural networks. So, for example, they've researched this. If I say, free associate to fire truck, you might say, red. engine, dog, and you might start to associate different words.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
There are really common neural networks. So what you want to think about is what neural networks are you triggering in your personal brand? So, For example, I like you to create strong neural networks. All of my single students, my students who are dating, I say, your profile picture should be triggering all kinds of neural networks that you like.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So, if you love skiing, you should be on a slope holding skis. Because for some people that will trigger a fear neural network. I'm not a skier. I see skis, I'm like cold, scared, Allein. Knie schmerzen. Das ist, was ich denke, wenn ich Skis sehe. Ich wäre nicht ein guter Partner für sie. Aber jemand anderes wird sagen, Abenteuer, Familie, Spaß, Abenteuer. Das ist deine Person.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Jede Bildung auf deinem Profil sollte Allergien und Attraktoren kreieren. Okay. Okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Absolut. Will sie eine Familie haben? Ja. Okay, falsche Bilder. Okay. Sie aktiviert die falschen Neuronetzwerke für Männer. Sie isst Männer. Ja. Sie isst die falschen Neuronetzwerke. Männer werden sich das anschauen und sagen, Partygirl, lustig, raus, nicht die Mutter meiner Kinder. Also sind das Allergien für den idealen Mann.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so what kind of husband and father does she want? Does she want an outdoor lover?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Es gibt ein berühmtes Beispiel von diesem, Jamie Simenoff, Founder von Ring. Also ich weiß nicht, ob du jemals Shark Tank gesehen hast. Ja. Also in diesem Episode, für diejenigen, die es noch nicht gesehen haben, Jamie Simenoff ist in den Tank eingegangen und er hat eine Billion-Dollar-Idee gespielt. Untertitelung aufgrund der Audioqualität nicht möglich. How do they feel?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so a hard worker. She earns a lot of money. Okay, so that's pictures of her, you know, working hard at a conference. What kind of way does she spend her weekend? She's hiking. Or she's biking. Or she's running across the Brooklyn Bridge. Or she's running a marathon. Or she loves dogs. Or she loves cats. Or she's eating big waffles and pancakes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Like, she should be taking pictures of what she wants to do with her partner. So that they look at that and they're like, I want to join her for that. And you also want to create allergies. You don't want to appeal to everyone because you're going to go on bad dates.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Contracted. Exactly like that. Right, so when we talk about distance between... So, earlobe and shoulder, distance number one. Second distance is important, between your arm and your torso. In a good conversation, we have distance that's fluctuating a lot. Like, right, I'm talking, my arms are going out, you're seeing distance between my torso and my arm. People who are very anxious...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Or like Penguin, I call it Penguin, where they don't ever release their arms from their torso and they're very contracted and they have very minimal hand gestures and they'll often clutch something to their chest. Now, if I were to give the entire interview like this, you would think, oh man, she is nervous or she's afraid or she's anxious because I don't have that space.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
The moment I release that space, it makes me look more confident. So, That's the other distance you can play with. Hand gestures really help with that. Hand gestures help with space, with vocal variety, with comprehension. That's why I like them so much.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, also, erstens, nehmen wir ein paar Bilder, die die richtige Person attraktivieren und Allergien für die falsche Person erzeugen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Zweitens, ihre Hauptbilder sollen warm und kompetent sein. Authentic smile, vielleicht ein Head tilt, vielleicht eine Handgestaltung, vielleicht zu viel Wärme. Ich will viel Raum zwischen Eierlobe und Schulter sehen. Warte, dass es ein symmetrisches Lächeln ist. Warte, dass wir uns nicht enttäuschen. Warte, dass wir uns nicht furchtbar lachen. Also die Bildung ist das wichtigste. Yes. Okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's a lot, but okay. It's going to be hard. We've got to find her husband.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, we've got to find her husband. The interpersonal body language is really hard as a friend to correct on someone. May I ask you, does she use vocal fry? What's that?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also, das Ende der Satzung geht hoch. Genau.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So, that's the first thing I would actually try to help her with, is making sure that she does not accidentally use vocal fry. It's usually an accident. Here's the fastest way to get rid of vocal fry. If you are using it, you hear yourself using it, or someone else is using it, just speak louder. Vocal fry happens from a lack of breath.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What actually is happening is you're speaking and your vocal cords are rattling. It's a terrible noise, but it's my vocal cords rattling together. And the moment that I speak louder, it goes away. So oftentimes when we're lacking confidence or we have tight body, we have less breath and we create vocal fry. So just ask her to speak up a little bit.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It's hard to get someone to stand more broadly because if they're uncomfortable with it, they don't like it. So what I would recommend is she should do activity dates. When you're at dinner with someone or at brunch or at coffee or at a bar, you're like this. So what do you do? And you're like, it's shriveled and you're like clutching your drink and you're in your patterns.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You're in those patterns. Go on hikes. Go play pickleball. Go learn pickleball. Go play ping pong. Like do something physical because then it's much easier to be broad. Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, und ich habe versucht, Menschen mehr breit zu stehen, nur indem ich ihnen sage. Und es hilft, die Bewusstsein hilft. Aber es ist viel einfacher, wenn du tatsächlich in einem Kontext bist, der dir so hilft.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So if you had to say words that make them feel seen right now, how are they feeling as they're listening to this? Overwhelmed, getting into interaction, just social overthinking, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to feel. Underestimated, like people don't see you or the real potential that you have. A lack of confidence and fear.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Was haben sie herausgefunden? Also, ich glaube, dass Frauen 14 bis 16 Bereiche ihres Gehirns aktiviert haben, während sie versucht haben, diese Gehirnbilder zu lesen. Und Männer, glaube ich, waren das halbe davon. In other words, when women were looking at pictures of body language, lots of connections were happening.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They were making predictions, they were thinking about personality, they were thinking about emotions, they were looking at their clothes, they were looking at their facial structure. Women were taking in a much broader picture of the body language, whereas men were, I think, much more cue-focused. Ah, broad shoulders, feet apart, hands visible. Neither of these are right or wrong.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Actually, in fact, men can sometimes be easier to teach. My students are 50-50 men and women, but sometimes men can focus in on the cue that I'm trying to teach them. They can understand it. They can comprehend it. Got it. It's decoded. Women tend to create a whole narrative. So I play a game sometimes with my students where I say, okay, tell me about someone. He has a mohawk.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And men will often say, I don't let them hear the women first. Men will often be like, he has a mohawk. He's a man. He's not bald. Women will be like, okay, he's a bad boy and he probably has earrings and I bet you he drives a motorcycle and I bet he'd be really fun on a date but probably a drinker and he will just go.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So this is, it's good and bad, right? Like, that also can hinder women. And by the way, I'm making big generalizations on this. This is not the generalization part we have to make sure we're careful on. Women tend to globalize. Ja, dick. Ja.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I think anyone can learn it. Okay. I really truly believe that. I have seen the most awkward, uncomfortable people totally shut down. Slowly transform or completely transform. And remember, they don't... Who is your uncharismatic friend? What was the fake first name you used?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Joe doesn't need to have a complete transformation to find his soulmate. Joe does not need to have a complete transformation to have friends. You're his friend. So even if he has a couple of tactics, like stop asking what do you do, it's boring. Like start making eye contact, especially at the end of sentences, for 60-70% of the time. Oh, people suddenly feel listened to.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Hey, ask better questions to your friends, you'll get to know them better. Those tactics will get him friendships, hopefully a girlfriend, hopefully a job. So I think that everyone can make small or big changes. I don't think there's anyone who's unteachable.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, so viel so. Das ist der einzige Weg, wie ich Selbstvertrauen gefunden habe. Der einzige Weg, wie ich es konnte, meine Schwierigkeiten zu überleben und tatsächlich zu gehen und Freunde zu machen und weniger traurig zu sein. Ich meine, ich war so traurig. was that I was like, okay, I have a goal. I'm going to ask someone, what have you been doing that's been exciting recently?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I'm going to ask that question. That gave me just enough confidence to get out the door and to get to that party. And then when I got a good answer, someone's like, oh yeah, you know, I am working on something exciting. I was like, oh, And then they felt excited, I felt excited. And so like that one tool gave me enough confidence to go out.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So these tools give you confidence to try something new and to break your pattern. If you feel stuck, and this is for anyone, if you feel stuck, then you have to try something different. If you keep doing the same thing, you're going to keep getting the same thing. So that means you have to ask different kinds of questions. You have to use different kinds of body language cues.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And if you're willing to try just something different, something will change for you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Not that I've seen. The research has not found that. Good for both.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Afraid that if you are your true self or you try any of the things we're talking about, people won't like you. And I want to teach you that you can be yourself and you can be liked and you can find your people. And that doesn't mean everyone's going to like you, but it means if you signal the right things, cues tell others how to treat you. If you signal the right cues, you will find your people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, also das ist Forschung. Ich glaube, es war Monika Moore, die diese Forschung gemacht hat. Sie fand, dass die Leute, die am meisten an Klubs angewiesen wurden, die Leute, die am meisten angewiesen wurden, nur das größte Signal der Verfügbarkeit hatten. So they weren't the most attractive men and women. She did this for both men and women. They were not the most attractive men and women.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
In fact, the most attractive women in the room, if they had closed body language, closed off body language, they were not approached, they did not get dates, they did not get out their number. It was the men and women who signaled, I'm available.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so this is really important for dating in the sense of wanting to be approached. Dating one-to-one is a little bit different, right? You don't need to signal this if you're one-to-one. But if you're in a big room or you're speed networking, one is open body, no blocking. I never want anything in front of your torso. I don't want this. So I don't want arms crossed.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I don't want cup in front of you. I don't want you clutching your computer or your iPad or your phone. I want you to make sure that your torso is open and angled out towards the room. I like croissant feet. Okay. Okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So, Monica Moore actually studied this. I believe it took eight glances to get someone to approach. Don't quote me on that. It was way higher than I thought. Like, I was like two, maybe three. I think it was something insane like eight. Could you imagine being in a bar and looking at someone... Achtmal. Das ist, wie viele Male es dauerte, um diese Person zu bekommen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und das sind quick glances, nicht wie, you know, it's a side glance, it's a side glance and a smile. It's a flip of the hair and a look over, right? Those are the kind of glances that we're talking about. And it takes eight sometimes. So croissant feet, open body, quick, short glances. I would also try one of my secret tricks for daters, is generally gesturing in their direction.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So like, let's see, like, there's a hot guy right over there that I can see. I've been married for 18 years, just to be clear. If you want, okay, drop something. You just called him hot.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ah, interessant. If they are attracted to you at all, they will come over. If they don't come over, they're probably not attracted to you. Try someone else.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
How do men signal in this? Same, same. So like a man can do the same thing. Now, women are less likely to approach men in a crowded environment. Culturally, that's not as accepted. So it's going to be harder for a man to get a woman to come over. But it does work very well for men to warm a woman up that she is about to be approached with those things.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Quick glances, open gestures, croissant feet towards her. That way when you do approach, she knows that your attention has been on her. And look at her responses to your gestures and your glances. If she meets your glance, great. If she turns away from you, turns her feet away from you, she's not probably very receptive to your approach.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Es ist also ein guter Weg, die Wälder zu testen, bevor du dich tatsächlich ansprichst.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes, but I'm going to be optimistic and say, look, I'm not single, so I know that's different, but I think people are lonely and I think people so want to meet their person. So if you are actually in person and you're interested in someone, it is such a gift to go up to someone and be like, hey, I like you. I saw you across the room.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Was hast du gesagt? Hast du Freunde?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Ja, okay, so I have a framework for how to make friends as adults. I think it's really important. I think it's somehow unacceptable in our society to approach friendship like dating, but that's how we should think about it. Meeting two or three amazing people is so important for your health, for your happiness, for your success. It is so important to date your friends.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und du sagst mir, dass das wirklich, wirklich wichtig ist. Es ist echt. Also ich nenne es Resting-Bothered-Face. Resting-Bothered-Face. RBF, gleiches Ding. Okay, das ist ein echtes Phänomen, das ist, dass wir alle verschiedene Gesichter auf Reste haben. Jetzt möchte ich, dass du an meinem Gesicht schaust. Mein Gesicht ist auf Reste. Ich werde es für einen Sekunden aufhalten.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Das ist unglaublich wichtig. Einer meiner besten Freunde ist Cody Sanchez, weil sie unglaublich inspirierend ist, unglaublich klug, unglaublich lustig ist. Aber ich habe viele Leute in Austin getroffen, viele Mädchen in Austin, um sie zu finden. Ich weiß, dass sie das auch gemacht hat. Das war meine Ära der Bachelorette für Freunde, wo ich für Freundinnen suchte.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und wir haben es einfach ausgelöst und wir haben unsere Unternehmen zusammengründen können. Also, du solltest dein Mindset verändern. Finden Freunde ist wie Dating. Du suchst für deine Freundin, deine Freundin. And then you should approach those friends just like you would a potential partner. You want someone with similar values. You want someone who activates the same neural networks as you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
They like the same activities. And you want someone who you test it out. You would never move in with a friend or move in with someone who just started dating. Same thing with a friend. You don't want to get too close too fast. So I highly recommend, go on friendship dates. And you want them to be different every time. Take them to places that you love and try to make them...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
A little bit allergic. So for example, there's a place. This is going to sound crazy, but it works. So there's a place in Austin called Casa de Luz, if anyone's been there in Austin. And it's a vegan hippie spot. It's been there forever. And you go in and it's one meal. You can't customize it. And they plop it down on your tray and you eat it like a cafeteria food. And I love it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And I love taking really high maintenance women there just to see what they're going to do. Because the women who are like, can I please get a man, a man, not a man. I'm like, we're not going to be friends. We cannot be friends.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's why I left LA. I mean, you can modify a little bit, but there's a way that you kind of do it. And here you can't. You literally cannot modify. And so it's interesting to see how people deal with that circumstance. And I found my best, closest friends are like, cool, let's go with it. Like that's a way that I see very into their personality. That's like a very weird story.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
People are going to be like, she's so weird. No wonder she doesn't have any friends. True. I don't have a lot of friends, but the friends I have, I love. We go to Costa Delos all the time. So you should think about activities or places with your friends where you're going to be able to test out a value or something that you really appreciate in friends.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I make dates for my husband. I have to make friend dates for my husband as well. I totally get it. I see it. Activities. So like, where's the place you like to hang out? What's the thing that you do? Is it, you know, axe throwing? Is it going to soccer games? Is it crazy mileage runs? Is it hiking group? Is it pickleball?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Like, find the activity you love and then just slowly, just like we're talking about dating, slowly hit them up. Working on anything exciting these days? What's your big goal for 2025? Like, those are the questions. The reason I have these questions is they're dating questions, but they're also friendship questions. If you live in that activity for long enough, you'll find your people. Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Mein Mund angelt sich nach unten und ist ein bisschen auf dich nach unten. Es sieht so aus. Siehst du, wie diese nach unten gehen? Ja. Are you laughing at my you? A little bit. Okay. So at rest, I look a little sad.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
AirPods are killing friendships. Airpods are going to ruin our interpersonal interactions. And here's the difference I've seen, the biggest difference in the last 18 years. 18 years ago, you could maybe wear a Walkman around campus or around the city or on a subway, but really your ears were open.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so what happened is you'd get on the subway or you'd walk across campus or you'd walk down the hallway and someone would be like, hey Steven, how's it going? You know, pretty good, crazy week. Oh really, what you working on? Like, it was so much easier to have those tiny micro moments of connection. That Van Sloan study was done before AirPods.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And I wonder if he were to redo it now, what would happen?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
The one where he found the most likable kids had the longest list of people they liked. And in the study, the most likable kids, when he observed them, they were walking down the hallway, saying hello, chatting next to someone for five seconds in a locker, saying after class and sort of talking, sitting at the lunch table, leaning over someone, asking about that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So much micro connection, very small conversations. Our friendships don't often happen in these big, deep conversations. They happen in these micro moments. AirPods destroy it. And I see this especially with younger folks, because they always have their AirPods in. When they're commuting, when they're walking, when they're jogging, when they're at the gym.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I don't know about when I was single for five seconds, when I was like, you know, 17. The gym was like the place. Like... At the gym, no one really was listening to anything at the gym. At least I can remember, like the rare person would have their Walkman in, but everyone was AirPod free. And so there was a lot of micro moments of connection happening. It was so much easier to talk to people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Now, if someone's working out with their out there AirPods, they're insane. I'm like, what are they doing? They should go home. It's weird. It's weird. Or they're with a friend working out together and that's intimidating. So, I'm worried about this because we need weak ties. Weak ties are in the research.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
These very casual connections of someone you see at the gym once a week and you kind of know them. Oh yeah, you know, Steven, nice to see you. You recognize their face. If you were to see them at a restaurant later in the week, you'd be like, hey, don't you go to that gym? Oh yeah, yeah, we do. So what are you doing this weekend? Like those weak ties are incredibly important for our happiness.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That is just my mouth at rest. Yours goes pretty straight across. I just... You have a lot of hood. That's what that's called. I have a lot of hood. A lot of hood. Yes. This is hood. Yes. So that probably makes you... Do people think you're angry or tired? Beide. Beide. Okay. Leute nennen mich nie wütend, sie nennen mich traurig.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's how we build big friends. That's how we can find a soulmate. That's how we can make good business contacts. And I'm seeing less and less of that because of AirPods and because of hybrid work. So we're just not in the office that much. So we're having less of those little micro moments in a hallway or that five minutes before a meeting starts.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
The five minutes before a meeting start is really critical to your career success. How you talk to your boss, the small talk you make. Are you asking boring questions? It's telling your colleagues and your boss a lot about who you are. And it's proven. Likeable people make more money. Likeable people get more promotions. Likeable people have more friends and more friends at work.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so when we have less moments to show how likable we are, it's really hard to get those things.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Du musst in die Fenster schauen und herausfinden, was die Grundlage deines Gesichtes ist. Wenn dein Mund sich in einen Wurzel anguckt, werden Leute denken, dass du traurig bist. Du musst das mit deinen Wünschen konteraktieren.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Most people can only spot a lie with 54% accuracy. They've actually studied the average person is very bad. You better off tossing a coin. 54% accuracy. We are very bad at spotting liars. And this is important to know about yourself, is we should not overestimate our ability to spot lies. We are usually not good at it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Es ist also sehr wichtig, jemandem den Vorteil des Glaubens zu geben, weil man nicht weiß. Es ist sehr schwer zu bemerken. Es ist möglich, dass es bestimmte statistische Begriffe zum Verbrechen gibt. Es gibt Begriffe, die über und über wieder in der Forschung gefunden werden, die Verbrecher typisch machen, aber nicht immer. Es gibt keine Pinocchios Nase.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Wenn du viele Hüfte über deinen Augen hast oder diese zwei vertikalen Linien, die zwischen deinen Augenbrauen auftauchen, du hast sie nicht, aber wenn einige Leute auf Ruhestand diese zwei Linien haben, werden Leute denken, dass du wütend oder frustriert bist. If you have down eyes, so I don't know if you noticed, but I have added cat makeup to my eyes. Ah, yes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Es gibt keine eine Begriffe, die bedeutet, dass jemand verbrechtet ist. Aber es gibt ein paar Begriffe, die über und über wieder kommen. Eine haben wir bereits gesprochen, die Frage-Inflexion. Es ist sehr bescheuert, wenn jemand spricht und plötzlich eine Frage fragt. Interessant. So that's a double click for me. That's like, let's make sure that I heard that right.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Let's make sure that you feel confident about it. Where does that come from? So that's just a little red flag that says dive deeper. Nothing is a sign of lying. It's just a sign that you should dig deeper. So, question inflection. A volume drop is another vocal cue of deception. So when we're anxious or nervous, we will lose volume and we lose breath.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So if you hear someone who's speaking, I hear this a lot in sales calls, so someone will... I always know what part of a sales presentation makes my entrepreneurs the most nervous, because they lose volume during that part of their presentation. So it sounds like this. So let's move on to our team. So our founding partners are me, myself, Joe, Jimmy, and we all met at...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und wir werden jetzt darüber sprechen. Ich mache es für dich offensichtlich, aber wenn du es hörst, wirst du hören, dass jemand sagt, dass sie literally Luft verloren haben. Sie haben literally Atem verloren. Also ein plötzlicher Drang und Volumen ist ein sehr interessanter Kurs, um doppelt zu klicken, wie What just happened there? How do you feel about your co-founder?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
How long have you known each other? Anything we should know about that? How's the relationship? How do you fight? How do you communicate? That's where I would aim most of my investor questions, if I was hearing that volume drop on that specific area. That's Vogel. Nonverbal. So nonverbal what you're looking for is incongruencies, where the verbal does not match the body.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
The biggest and most obvious one is when someone says yes, but shakes their head no, or says no, but shakes their head yes. So I might say to my daughter, did you clean your room? Um, yeah. I did. She's shaking her head no. In Western cultures, there's a cultural exception to this one. India, Bulgaria and Pakistan. They nod a little bit differently. The research actually shows that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
But in countries outside of India, Bulgaria and Pakistan, when we agree with someone, say yes or telling the truth, we typically agree with ourselves and shake our heads yes. Ja, du weißt, sie ist großartig. 100 Prozent, ja. So disgust is a expression that people make without even realizing it. And this is across cultures.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Yes, that actually makes me look less sad. Because also my eyes slope a little bit down at the end, which makes me look sad.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
When we don't like something or when we smell something bad, we crinkle our nose up and we flash the upper whites of our teeth and we go, ugh, that. So you'll notice that liars typically feel dirty when they lie. So oftentimes they'll show disgust with themselves for lying. So you'll ask someone, so what do you think of the proposal? Yeah, um, it's really good. And they might even sniff.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So people often are like, are you okay? Are you tired? I'm like, no, that's just my face. So, I have ways that I counteract it. One, I get to use makeup, which is a great thing. But second, I know that I need to make my face a little bit more up, right? So when I am interacting with someone, when I'm on video, when I'm interview, I typically rest my face in an upward position.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What does it signal? Oh, it's a disgust activator. Like when we are disgusted, our nasal cavities want to close because we want to take in less of it. And so even though it's not about food, it's about a preference. Liars will often show a little bit of disgust when they are lying because they are ein bisschen mit sich selbst enttäuscht. Und so seht ihr diese Aktivierung hier.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Übrigens, niemand macht das natürlich. Das ist ein sehr unnatürlicher Weg, um meinen Gesicht zu halten. Aber wir tun es und wir fühlen uns enttäuscht. Die Nasalkaviten. Wir dilatieren die Nasale, unsere Nasalwinde dilatieren. Das ist, was es heißt. Diese Nasalwinde dilatieren und wir beginnen, sie aufzulösen. Es ist so, wir mögen nicht, was wir sehen, riechen, hören.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also was ich tun werde, ist, dass ich eine Vorschläge zu jemandem teile. Ich werde etwas darüber sprechen und ich schaue für jeden Enttäuschung. So I'll say, you know, here's the plan for 2025. Here's what we're going to do. And if I see a... I know that that team member or that person is like not that into it. And that's why I double click. Any questions? How do you feel, Steven?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
You look like you're about to throw up, by the way.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, so ambivalent is actually not toxic. So toxic is like, we know it's bad, we don't want it, we're creating boundaries around it. Ambivalent means, we're not sure. Ambivalent relationships are the relationships in your life that are the most damaging. They're the relationships where you wonder, does she like me? Do I like her? I wish she would cancel this dinner we have. Am I tired after that?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I'm dreading it. Do I have to go? Gosh, I wish I was home. Those are ambivalent relationships, where you're not sure. And they are so energetically draining. Because a toxic person, you know they're toxic. You're like, I don't like that person. They're not serving me. I'm not going out to dinner. I'm going home. No thanks. Not gonna text you. Not gonna tell you I'm thinking about you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Where an ambivalent person, you're like, I should check in with that person. I really should go to this dinner. Oh, it's been five months since I've gone to dinner. Oh man, do I even know what they're up to these days? Do I even care? And then most importantly, do they like me? Do they support me? That's why I asked about that friend that you were unsure about. I was like, are they jealous?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Do they have a problem with you? Because you might be picking up on, they are ambivalent towards you. And you're picking up on that. There's a research study that was done with police officers. And they wanted to know what makes for a thriving workplace. So they asked police officers to rank the people in their precinct. And they found that the police officers who had the most ambivalent ties were
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay. Okay. If you're not sure, put them at the bottom. And in the next 30 days, try to ask them the questions that we shared. Working on anything exciting? What's your biggest goal right now? And see if you like their answers. It's important to either move them up or move them out. Don't let them be ambivalent.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I've activated these muscles, so don't I look happier?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That's what my next book is about, so I'm happy to hear that. Okay, one is don't overthink your opener. Starting a conversation is like, hey, I'm Vanessa. Literally, your opener can just be that. My sister, my youngest sister, she was like, the best advice I ever gave her, ever. I was like, what is it? She was like, you just told me to say hello to people. And that is it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Your opener is just, hey, I'm Vanessa. Hey, nice to meet you. So don't overthink the opener, because that opener, your body is actually doing a lot of things. Your brain and body are like competence, warmth, facial expressions, voice tone. If you're like, what's your biggest goal in life? Ugh. It's way too much.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And so one is your opener should actually be basic so the other person's brain is like, gives them a chance to like, safe. Okay, friend, we're friend. Hey, how are you doing? Right, I did my friend cue, I held up my hand. So don't overthink your opener. Hey, nice to meet you. Hey, I'm Vanessa. Deine erste Frage ist, wo die Dinge interessanter werden.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Nein, ich muss mir bewusst sagen, dass ich das tue. Nun, ich muss das nur mit Menschen tun, die ihre erste Vorstellung haben. Oder wenn ich versuche, eine gute Vorstellung zu machen. Mein Team weiß, dass ich nicht traurig bin. Mein Team sieht mich immer. Sie sehen mich ohne Make-up. Sie wissen, dass ich nicht traurig bin. Das ist nur mein Gesicht. So here's what's critical.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, also wenn du ihre Namen nicht kennst, willst du sagen, oh, was ist dein Name? Gut, ich bin Vanessa. Dann hast du eine Wahl. Und ich mag die bessere Route. Du kannst sagen, also, was machst du? Aber ich mag das nicht. Es ist Autopilot. Also, was ich stattdessen tue, ist, eine Version der Entspannung-Frage zu fragen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What is the most important thing we haven't talked about that we should have talked about? For the person sat at home, the typical question, the most prolific question is,
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And he did something very interesting at the Democratic National Convention back in, I believe, 1944. He knew he was not a good public speaker, which also is very rare for a U.S. President to become President without being a good public speaker. He knew he could not cut it on stage with the very charismatic people. And he was behind. In the polls, he was not the preferred candidate.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So he was like, I'm not gonna compete on stage. I'm not gonna try to outspeak them. I'm not gonna try to go work the floor and shake hands. It's not my way. What I am gonna do is try to find a way to do what I'm best at, which is one-on-one conversations where I can win people over with an argument. So in the Democrat National Convention, it was really hot.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
It was in Chicago in the middle of summer. He rented the one air-conditioned room in the bottom, in the basement of the convention center. And one by one, his team would invite person by person down into that air-conditioned room. And he would tell them his story. He would tell them his points and vote by vote.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And as the votes were being tallied, he would win over every single person that went to that room. One, it was air-conditioned, so they wanted to stay there as long as possible. Zweitens, er würde hören, was deine Sorgen sind, warum willst du nicht für mich wählen? Und dann würde er ihnen erklären, warum sie für ihn wählen sollten.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
One, you should know, what is your resting default? Are you looking sad, angry, or afraid? Oh, afraid I didn't do. So if you have, you actually have some. I'm so sorry. Oh, you're joking. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You have these lines.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und Wahl für Wahl, er hat die Nationalkonvention gewonnen, ohne auf der Bühne zu sprechen, gar nicht. Ich teile das, weil, stopp mit der Bühne zu spielen, wo du nicht dein Bestes bist. Start creating rooms where you can. Think about what are your social strengths. You have one. What is it? Is it storytelling? Is it being funny? Is it listening? Is it being empathetic? Is it being a decoder?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Is it being persuasive? What is your social strength? Create spaces and rooms where you can exercise that strength. Because no one wants you to pretend to be an extrovert or pretend to be something that you're good at that you're not. It's much better to do what you're actually good at and attract the right people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Might not be. And that's okay. There are some people who are great at texting. There are some people who are great at sending voice notes. There are some people who make their friends by broadcasting and then picking out a couple of people. That's how you met your girlfriend. As you broadcasted, she resonated with something that you said and you gave her the way to find you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
She did and then you met. So maybe it's broadcasting. I think we have to think outside the box. It's not only in person. There are so many ways you can have social strengths.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Okay, step number one is begin to break autopilot. So make a commitment for the next 30 days, you are not going to trigger autopilot in your conversation. No more what do you do, no more how are you, no more where are you from, no more.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Right? Ask better questions.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
What's your biggest goal? Working on anything exciting. You're disgusting me.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Challenge number two. Find out where you fall on the warmth and competence scale. Are you highly warmed? You need to dial up competence to be taken more seriously. Are you highly competent? You need to dial up warmth to be seen as more likable and friendly and trustworthy. Do that email audit. So take the quiz, then do the email audit, and then if you can, here's the bonus challenge.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Send the charisma quiz to someone who knows you well, someone at work, maybe a partner. Ask them to take it as you. und ihre Ergebnisse aufschreiben. Manchmal ist es nicht so, wie wir unsere Warmthin-Kompetenz bezeichnen, wie andere unsere Warmthin-Kompetenz bezeichnen.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Also, wenn du es nimmst und sagst, ich bin perfekt, ich bin ein 5 von 5, aber sie nehmen es und sehen dich als wirklich hoch auf der Warmthin-Skala, dann wird das für dich kritische Feedback sein.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
So you have them just right here, these light lines here. So when we're afraid, we go, and we raise our eyebrows up, and our, you can't see it, because I have Botox on my forehead, but if you, yeah, there you go, there you go, that's great. Now open your eyes and go, oh! Ja. Ja. So people, you are signaling accidentally anxiety. So try to make sure you're not showing the upper whites.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I always love these.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Hmm. There was a really weird moment in my career where everything was taking off. I had a lot of years of a lot of hard struggle and being a writer, I had a published book, traditionally published book that completely failed. 2011, we won't name it. Put it out there, I thought my world would change and it did terribly.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I got terrible reviews, it didn't sell and I was literally told, you'll never write a book again. And I was just devastated. Devastated. And my husband was like, you gotta keep writing. You're a writer. You gotta keep writing. And so I went back to it. I started Science People. That was officially when I started like the actual website Science People. Kept writing. And then it started taking off.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
I had videos that went viral. We started having millions of visitors on the website. And I wanted to prove myself very badly. And I wanted to erase that painful memory. Und als ich angefangen habe, Captivate zu schreiben, habe ich gesagt, nein, ich kann keine Bücher schreiben. Ich bin ein YouTuber und ein Blogger, aber ich kann keine Bücher schreiben.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Und sie war so, das wird ein anderer Art von Buch sein. Das wird ein Buch sein, über wirklich, was du sagen willst, nicht das Buch, das du schreiben sollst. Und ich war so, nein, ich kann es nicht machen. Es ist zu schmerzhaft. Ich werde nicht überleben, wenn das nicht funktioniert. Ich werde nicht überleben, wenn das nicht funktioniert.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
And it took Nikki months of telling me, this will be different. This will be a different kind of book. You can write the real book that you really want to write. And so I said yes. I started writing it. And that was when I think I, I don't know how the end of the question was, but decided it would be worth the pain if that failed. It would be worth the pain of at least saying that I tried.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
That was a very hard choice. Thank goodness it did not fail. It did really well. And I'm eternally grateful for that. When anyone buys a copy, I'm like one click further from that failure. Horrible failure.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
All couples have the same three fights. They might dress up as other things, but down low, they're the same three fights. What are your three arguments?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
They are trying to give value to you. They make you feel stronger, smarter, better. Your happiest self. They literally make you feel better. So when you go into interaction with them, you're like, I can't wait to see them. When you leave the interaction, you think, oh, that was so good. I feel better. I feel happier. I feel stronger. I feel healthier. And back to them.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You feel like you're also serving them. You're making them better. You're making them stronger. And that doesn't mean agreeing with everything, right? Like that does not mean that. That means sometimes asking the hard questions. That means sometimes pushing back. That means sometimes encouraging your friend to get out of their comfort zone. That means also they can ask you the hard questions.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's all dream builder additive. Dream killers take away. They are subtractors. So dream killers, you know that you have a dream killer if you're doubting the intention behind their question, right? So they ask you a question that doesn't feel like they're adding to you or giving to you or helping you or teaching. They're just taking it down.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
They're trying to subtract from your joy or subtract from your success. A dream killer also, um, can in a conversation make you doubt yourself and your goals and your opinion. So you'll go into the conversation feeling one way and then you leave being like, do I feel
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
they also cause dread sometimes your subconscious knows who this person is before your conscious does right so you have the your monthly lunch with them your monthly mommy and me with them you see them at a party like a lot of my friends now are my daughter's friends parents yeah right like we see their birthday parties we see their mommy and me classes and they're confusing like that can be very challenging and so i always think to myself who am i looking forward to seeing
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Dream builder.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Very tangibly, who am I like gonna try to avoid having a deep conversation with? My body knows. Your body knows. When you feel a little bit of dread when they come to you from across the room, pay attention to that dread. When you're like, oh man, like I got, I sat next to this person at dinner. I wish I hadn't.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm just going to say that I'm awkward and I'm going to say that I'm a recovering awkward person and I'll tell you I found my people. Like you and I are like, we're going to be friends. And so I was at this party. I had this turning point. I was at a party in Austin and Austin has a lot of cool people, like people you would probably know.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And you're like, I can't put my finger on why, but I just wish I had sat next to someone else. That is real. That means something about your subconscious is picking up on that intention. And there's two science things I want you to understand that we don't consciously know, but they're very important. One is microexpressions.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So these are the brief facial expressions that we make when we feel something intense. So there's seven of them. Anger, disgust, surprise, fear, contempt, and happiness. I feel like you're naming the characters from Inside Out.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's been the biggest movie in our household for the past three weeks.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
This is based on that. Actually, all the characters in Inside Out are correct, especially the original. We actually haven't let our daughter watch Inside Out 2 because I don't want to teach her about panic attacks.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I know. I'm worried that it's going to plant the seed in her brain. But I really want to watch it. So the inside out one, that's all the expressions. And there are facial expressions. So for example, contempt is a one-sided mouth phrase. If you lift one side of your mouth and just smirk... It's an expression of disdain, contempt, scorn, negativity.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so it might be that you said to a friend and your brain subconsciously picks up on these. You might say to a friend, yeah, you know, I'm really excited. I'm going to start a new passion project with photography and I can't wait. And they're like, oh, one-sided mouth raise. Well, that's great for you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
verbally sounds totally fine, but your subconscious brain was like, Ooh, like I just saw something. And so next time when you're, you feel that piece, that little bit of dread, we were like, I don't know if I should bring this up again. That is because your subconscious brain picked up on that negative micro expression, even though consciously you're like, well, she said it was all good.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
yeah so there's um dr matthew lieberman at ucla he put people into a brain scanner and he flashed them like so fast you could barely register it a micro expression of fear so fear is when we raise our eyelids up and we raise our eyebrows up that just scared me right there like right now i'm like oh my gosh are you okay it's contagious am i gonna die right now yes that's why we don't like people who like upper lid raise a lot yeah oh gosh
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
it makes us feel like a little bit nervous when we see it so he flashed this micro expression of fear and he found that even when they didn't consciously recognize they saw a face that's how fast they flashed it wow their amygdala caught the fear oh my gosh they actually began to feel afraid but didn't know why oh my gosh and so it's critically important that we recognize dread or hesitation in our bodies because our brain's way of saying you saw fear contempt disgust
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And the host goes, we're going to stand in a circle and we're all going to introduce ourselves so that we can meet each other. Okay. Already I'm like sweating, right? I'm like, good, good, good. Circle of introducing ourselves. So we're standing in a circle and I'm not joking. The first person is like, I'm a billionaire and I've changed the world. And the second person is like, I cure cancer.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Disgust is another really nasty one. And I like to teach it to people. So disgust is when we raise our nose up and flash our upper whites of our teeth. So crinkle your nose and go, uh, yeah, uh. You actually begin to feel like yucky, right? Like my daughter would say. Okay, disgust. We don't just make it around things we don't like the smell or taste of.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
We actually often make it when we're lying and we don't want to admit it. And that is because lying makes us feel dirty. We do not like to lie. So we have found in our research, if you ask someone a preference-based question, So, what do you think of the new girl? Oh, yeah, you know, she's good. And they actually flash this disgusting expression.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's like, I feel disgusting saying this, but I'm afraid to say I don't like her. I'm afraid to say I don't like it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
TBD. I've only talked to her for two minutes. Exactly. And like, I assume liking, right? So like I would rather, instead of like, you know, I don't know, right? Like that disgust expression, which then, you know, like something is off here. It's like, gosh, TBD, I haven't gotten talked to her enough yet, but I'm excited to get to know her more. Right? Like that's more honest.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So look out for disgust around lying. You will often see that someone flashes a micro expression of disgust or holds their nose up in that crinkled expression when they are saying a lie. And that's because lying makes us feel very dirty, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Where did you get Botox? I have Botox in my forehead. Can you see my, am I, am I surprised? I don't see any wrinkles. Yeah. And I also got a little bit on the side, a little bit on the side. So Botox. So are you hurting your micro expressions? I am hurting my micro expressions, but here's the good news is I have resting bothered face.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
RBF. Also known as resting face.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I want to know.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
puppy here's the picture i'm gonna text this to our editor that's so that's so funny resting face is serious because when i am at rest i look angry or sad and so i think that okay we're having two important i think this is important and this is important talk about what people assume you feel when you don't actually feel it right so one is take a look at your face at rest In the mirror.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And the third person is like, I'm going to end hunger. And the fourth person is like, I'm really famous. And then it was my turn. It's getting around to me and I'm just like, oh no, I'm a YouTuber. Like, what do I say?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Look at where your features fall, especially the older you get, the more wrinkles you have, the more people think of these things. So what was happening was as I was getting older, I was getting those lines, right? And it made me look angry and sad and confused. I also, my eyes go down on the sides. Can you see how they just kind of go down?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I wing them up with my makeup and I do that specifically to look more awake and more happy. Otherwise, when I have no makeup on and I'm like just thinking... People are like, are you okay? And I'm like, I am fine. It was better before.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's not plastic surgery. Okay, so first let's talk about the science of Botox. So Botox inhibits your emotional expression and it also changes your emotional feeling. And this is because there's something called the facial feedback hypothesis, which is that when you make a face, you also feel the emotion. So if I smile really big, I actually start to feel a little happier.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm like, oh my gosh, why am I smiling? Well, I'm smiling, so I must feel happy. There's actually a loop that goes on there. When you get Botox, you're inhibiting that facial feedback. For me, this actually works really well because I did my anger lines. And you know what? I feel less angry.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay, so you're justifying Botox in a way. I'm justifying Botox because you know what? It makes me feel less angry. I also get baby Botox, which means I can still express with my forehead and I still show expression, but it's just like loosening that a little bit. I love that. I swear I feel less angry.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. And so it makes me feel less angry. I swear it's like inhibited my anger. I also am really careful. I don't do all my smile lines because I do, there is studies that show that if you do that, you will actually feel less happy.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. So I'm very careful with my happiness wrinkles. I try to leave my upper cheek muscles intact because I do not want to affect my happiness. I don't want people to think that I'm fake happy. So fake happiness looks like this. It's kind of like, We only smile in the bottom half of the face.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Women who have had women and men who've had too much Botox, they look like they're fake happy all the time. And that is why people think they're inauthentic. And so I would say I'm actually kind of for a little bit of Botox if you're angry or you look a little sad. You know, like if that's going to help you feel less angry, I'm sort of for it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
But please do not do your smile wrinkles because that will actually make you look inauthentic and fake.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah, you look very natural. It's maybe Botox. Well, that's laser. You know what's funny? My dermatologist is like, my dermatologist. Yeah, I'll give it to you later. I'll give it to you later.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Maybe he was just chiseled.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You know, you can spray tan abs on.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I mean, that's okay. Because it looked fake. I would do it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I think it could work. Look, the placebo effect is real powerful.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so acting as a healthy person would, there are also times where in my life, you know, I'm almost 40 and there have been times where I'm like struggling, like especially with two little kids working 50 hours a week, very intense speaking schedule, massive pressure. You know, a lot of my work stuff is like high pressure where I'm like, how am I going to do this?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes. And so I think that is it is I think like true and honest and not trying to be anything you're not. So I was like, my name is Vanessa and I'm a recovering awkward person. And the whole circle laughed and like took a deep breath. And I said, I help awkward people communicate on YouTube.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like, I feel like I'm treading water. And what I tell myself is like, act as if you got this. Like, just, like, act as if, like, walk on that stage like you've got this. Like, act as if, like, you know, you have all the energy in the world to make pancakes, like Mickey Mouse pancakes. Like, just, like, act like you've got this. And it kind of works. It kind of works. I also think I...
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
read a memoir of a woman who struggled with migraines. I don't have migraines, but she said that what happens with migraines is it makes you turn and it makes you like lay down, stay in the dark all the time. And this doctor like saved her life by fixing her migraines by saying, you actually do the opposite. When you feel a migraine coming on, don't go in the dark. Don't be alone.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Act as if a healthy person would go exercise. What? Yeah. And so when her, she feels a migraine coming on, she starts to do jumping jacks and exercises and pushups and she's stopped migraines. So like even this morning, like literally this morning I was up at 5 30 AM cause I was flying here from, from San Diego and I have like a little bit of a headache and I was like, babe, we're going running.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And I, I had a headache and I was like, you know what? And I went to the gym and I ran and my headache went away. Boom, gone.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay. Can we finger it? Like, okay. I agree with that. The placebo effect is real. Yeah. And I think acting as if, so like, right. Like if you're, if you smile and that makes you feel happy, why wouldn't it work that if you're running, your body's like, okay, guess we're a winner. Yeah, we're, we wanted it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You know, I also think, um, like winning, winning is like one of my favorite things that people don't talk about. I try to feel like a winner as much as I possibly can. And so much so that I try to create micro wins in my life. This is like my best life hack for productivity for getting through those hard days, especially if you're like a mom and you're like, whoa, this is a lot. Micro wins.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Here's what happens in your body when you win. When you win, your body produces dopamine and testosterone. Whether you're a man or a woman, you produce both these magical things. Dopamine and testosterone do a lot of things in our body, but when we've just won something, and I'll explain how we win without running a race in a second. We get dopamine. One, that gives us motivation.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Dopamine is the chemical of pleasure. It makes us feel good, but it also makes us feel like I want to do more. I can knock out that to-do list. I can do that art project. I can make my dinner. It gives us energy and motivation. The best. Testosterone gives us stamina. It gives us endurance. It gives us clarity of thinking.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so if you can win, you're literally chemically giving your body exactly what it needs to win more. So I want you to frame your day around how many micro wins can I do today? And you have to think of it like that. So it is a micro win if I can make my girls breakfast. right? I can't always, sometimes they have cereal, but if I can make them a little bit of breakfast, I'm like winning.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's one of my goals is trying to make them as many home cooked meals as possible. Win. And I'm like, yes. And my girls and I are like, win. Home cooked breakfast today. High five, high five. Oxytocin, right? Oxytocin gives you the chemicals of belonging and connection and the fuzziness. That's a win in my house. If I can get on the treadmill, if I can run a little bit, win. Major win.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Let's talk about the science of Botox. It inhibits your emotional expression, and it also changes your emotional feeling. I did my anger lines. And you know what? I feel less angry. You're justifying Botox in a way. The one predictor of divorce. He can tell you if a couple will get divorced by watching a silent video of them. With 93.6% accuracy they'll get divorced. That's crazy.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That also produces endorphins. I have a bunch of things that you might not think of as wins, but for me, because I've aligned them with my goals, they are wins to me.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
great and it was amazing because then every single person after me said i'm also except one i'm also a recovering awkward person and afterwards everyone came up to me not the billionaire not the cancer curing person and it was like i found my people and so like i think like we just gotta be who we are yeah and say like i'm awkward i'm an overthinker i'm
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay. So endorphins are similar to dopamine, but they make you feel really good, feel pleasure, give you energy, calm your brain. Like, yeah. Yeah. I got this. It's like that feeling of like, I can do this. That's what endorphins do. It's like, I can do this. And so I want you to think about your goals.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And I think a mistake people make with their goals is they think of goals that don't deliver wins. So they're like, maybe it's like, I want to lose 20 pounds or I want to get into medical school or I want to read 12 books a year. Those are great, but that means you're not going to feel that you've won until you've gotten into medical school.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's like, you're never going to feel good about that if your win is only at the very end. So I would rather you chunk down your goals much smaller into micro wins that you can feel that sense of winning every day. So you keep going. Yes. And so like, it's like I had six home cooked meals this week or I ate my five cups of vegetables. Like that has to be like a win.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And in your brain, you're like, yes. Like I literally want, if you can physically be like, yes, that little bit gives you that dopamine testosterone, which makes you want to win in other areas of your life.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay. Okay. So first I also want to talk about how we leverage dream killers because there are certain dream killers you can't get rid of, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
or like theoretically you know theoretically um you know like theoretically um there are people like maybe family members or bosses or colleagues that you just like you you can't like they are dream killers okay we gotta leverage them right so one is dream killers have an amazing ability to poke holes in things they are extremely skeptical and so sometimes that is very helpful
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
For example, when I am writing a book, I want my dream killer to dream kill that book before I get it out because I would rather them do it for me. In fact, my husband is extremely skeptical. Really? He can be a massive dream killer. I love you, baby. He can be a massive, massive dream killer in certain things. He wants it to be perfect. So do you marry your dream killer or kill your dream killer?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
No, no, no, no, no, no. So I think everyone is a dream killer in some sense. You want to figure out where is your partner's dream killing, right? So I know that he's a dream killer when it comes to ideas and the way things are presented. He wants to be perfect. He's a data guy. So for example, I have my third book I'm working on right now. And we were looking at titles and subtitles.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And my husband and I had a massive disagreement on the title of our book. No. Massive disagreement. I'll just tell you what it is. My publisher's going to be like. So I really want to call the book Conversation. I love C words. Captivate. Cues. Conversation. That's perfect. That's perfect because of the Cs.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
messy or i'm crazy today like i think that sometimes like just saying it like that's why i think like if i hadn't done that maybe it would have taken us longer to get along
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I was like, conversation, right? And like, I love conversation. Like, okay.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'd buy that book. My husband, who's a data guy, marketing, he's like, no, no, no, no, no. It's the what, not the why. We got to go to the why. We've been doing too many what books. Q's is a what book. And Q's did very well, by the way. But he's like, no, we got to do the why. So he's like, connection. So we are fighting about this, okay? And he's like, I am right. And I'm like, I am right.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I know. Oh, man. And he wouldn't drop it because he's a dream killer. And when he's like, I think this is right. I'm like, all right, let's go to the data. And this is how you leverage dream killer. What is going to convince them to get to your side? How can you win them to your side? Because sometimes you want a dream killer. Then they're loyal, right? Then they're like in a fight.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Then they're bought in.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Data. Yes. How can you make your dream killer feel heard? That can often sway them to either agree to disagree, fine, or come to your side. So my husband is a data guy. And I was like, let's go to the data. I was like, I feel so confident in my title that we're going to test it. So there's a website called PickFu. It's literally a website about picking things.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And you can pay a very small amount of money. And it shows a specific audience your choices. And it will do a poll for you. And then people will explain why they like it. So we're like, we want to ask readers of nonfiction self-help books what title they would like better. And we tied our two titles MI1. No way. He's all in on conversation. There you go. He's all in on conversation. Wow.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I think like one, what are they good at? Like dream killers can be very good at certain things. Oftentimes they're high competence. Like when we talk about charisma, they're very high in competence. They want to be right. They Google fact check everything you say. Like use that. Like that is a skill. So one leverage it. And then the second thing is put boundaries around it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So like I know when I'm in an ideation stage, I should either not go to my husband or say to him, babe, I'm ideating. I'm in ideation stage. Don't dream kill me. Just support me. And he's like, got you, babe. I got you. Like he knows what that means for me. And so if you have a friend who's like, for example, they are, I have a friend like this who's very, very healthy. Very, very healthy.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Runs marathons. Eats really clean. And I'm trying. I'm trying. I am not that. I try to run. I try to eat clean as much as I can. And I know that I can't talk to her about health stuff. I know that I can't. But when I need to talk about health, to brainstorm something, like how do I get my kids to eat more vegetables? Does anyone know this?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I will go to her and be like, can you help me figure out how do I get more vegetables in my kids? And she's like, well, let's make a spreadsheet. Let's make a spreadsheet. Let's work with a whiteboard. Let's do this. Let's figure this out. Oh my gosh. Right. So I think like we have to like honor those strengths for the people that we can't say no to, say goodbye to.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I would say it like exactly like this idea, which is we compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses. My strengths are some of his weaknesses. His strengths are some of my weaknesses. Like how magic, right? Like how magical is that?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so I think like that is really important is if you are married to a dream killer in one area, like we agree in a lot of things, but like that in one area, we're not. It's like, that's okay. That's your strength and my weakness or my weakness and your strength. Like that's a good thing. And with like business partnerships, that's really important, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
friendships that can be really important. You don't always have to be all the same.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
early on what are the early signs okay so number one does this person ever convince you that you don't feel a certain way like people can convince you about a thing but if someone's like oh you don't feel angry oh no you don't feel sad that is a red flag you want someone who accepts your feelings whatever they are maybe they want to understand them they don't ask questions about them but if you have someone who is trying to convince you to feel differently
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
that is not an end-deal-breaking red flag, but it is a worrisome red flag because it means that they might also try to convince you that you're not okay when you're okay or that you're okay when you're not okay. And so be aware if someone's trying to convince you that your feelings are wrong. I think that's one. The second thing is if they challenge your boundaries.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So if you have boundaries like, for example, you know, I'm really, really focused on my education right now. I'm really trying to finish my schooling. So I'm going to try not to go out and party a lot this weekend. It's a studying weekend for me. Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that. Like, come on, you don't love me? You don't love me that you're not going to come out with me?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You're going to leave me alone? You're going to make me lonely? When they fight your boundaries by making you feel like you're not valuing them, that's like, well, of course I love you. Of course I love you. Of course I'll go out with you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So that's also another one that I hear in early toxic relationships and they just always blow up and get bad is they have to respect your boundaries and your goals. The last one is that... they want you to be better. I think that's a really hard one to get right, but I think that true healthy relationships, you want the best for the person you're with.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And if the person's trying to drag you down or hold you back or keep you quiet or keep you low, I just don't think that's a red flag of something that could maybe go poorly. Can we talk about like setting really good boundaries? Yeah. Okay. I, if I could gift every woman a skill, it would be the skill of assertiveness.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I think there's research on this that finds that they asked people how assertive they thought they were. And most people who thought they were overly assertive were actually rated as under assertive by their colleagues. This is a thing that we think we are overly assertive, but actually we're terrible at judging our own assertiveness, especially women.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so I actually think that being kindly assertive, right? Like that is an incredibly important skill and we actually can do it verbally and non-verbally. So the way that we think about this is the number one way to be more assertive is to not ask your boundaries. It's to state your boundaries. When we ask our boundaries, we use what's called the question inflection.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's a vocal inflection that goes up at the end of our sentences. So we say, I really can't go this weekend. I think I should study. That up at the end of our sentences is actually a very subtle cue that gives away your power. And research shows that when we hear someone accidentally use the question inflection on a statement... We doubt their statement.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And we also go from listening to scrutinizing. It's like a different part of our brain. And so if you say to someone, I don't want that, downward inflection. Very clear. I don't want that. I don't want that. The other person's like, well, do you want that?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I also think the richest people I know are the most lonely people that I know. Wow. And there's something there, I think, and I don't understand it. I don't understand why it's happening, but I think it's something to note that sometimes the richer you are, the more powerful you are, the more impressive you are, the less people feel they can connect to you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so I think it's really important that we get very clear on stating our needs. Do not accidentally use the question and reflection on your name, on your boundary, or on anything to do with pricing. I just share that because I do a lot of sales trainings and I hear people who are doing sales, they're trying to negotiate and they're like, oh, no, she's getting for a salary. Let's do that one.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay. They're like, okay. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Boss, I really would like this promotion, and I think that I deserve it for XYZ reasons, and I would like a raise of $5,000. Did you hear me ask it?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
My answer is no.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
If you ask your worth, you're begging the other person to negotiate with you. You're telling them, I don't really, really believe in this worth and you shouldn't either. You're literally saying to them, I am confused about my own value. You should question it. And so I think we have to get the habit. If we're asking for something, you have to state the need, right? So I really love this promotion.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I know I deserve it. XYZ reasons. And I would love a promotion of $5,000.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That was like, you know, I love Shark Tank. Same. And that was an amazing moment, I think, in entrepreneur history. Because Jamie Siminoff, founder of Ring, the doorbell, had a billion dollar idea. A billion dollar idea. He went in Shark Tank and failed.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Even though he had a billion dollar idea, the sharks couldn't see it because he presented it badly.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And he asked it. He asked his valuation. He asked his name. And the sharks were like, you don't believe you. Why should I believe you? We like to buy from confident people. We like to be around confident people. We like to be in a relationship with confident people. And so when you ask your name, your worth, your numbers, your boundaries, it actually makes the other person feel uncomfortable.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And you don't want to catch that kind of questioning or wondering.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes. Funny story is I did a bunch of research on TED Talks and I wanted to know what makes a TED Talk go viral. And we found in this research, we studied thousands of hours of TED Talks, that the number one thing that is the most greatest predictor of a viral TED Talk is hand gestures. Yes. Unreal. That we love, we love hand gestures. And that is because we don't lie with our hands, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's really, we often tell the truth with our hands and it helps aid comprehension. A gesture could hold 400% more comprehension according to the research. So like if I were to say I have three big ideas and hold up the number five, you're more likely to believe my hand than my words. Yeah.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
If I were to say I have a really big idea but I hold up a very small thing, you're like, but it looks so small, Vanessa. Yeah. So I did this research. It got me a TED Talk. And they were like, what do you want to call your TED Talk? And I was like, well, it doesn't really matter. The hand gestures are the only thing that matters. And so we named it, You Are Contagious.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Little did I know that there would be a pandemic a couple of years later. Oh my gosh. And so that did confuse a lot of people, but it got me millions of views. There you go.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Huge, huge. And everyone was like, gosh, this is not what I was expecting from this talk.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So many books. So contagiousness, I think, emotional contagion is so powerful. And the study that I just was like, what? It blew my mind was they had participants come into the lab. They split them up into two different groups. The first group was asked to run on the treadmill while they captured their sweat in a sweatsuit.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like, like people didn't want to go up to the billionaire. Cause like, Oh, you know, like, oh my gosh, like they're above me. Even though he didn't give that vibe at all, it was like there was a barrier there. And so I think like we should focus less on being impressive and more on finding our people. Like that's the intention that we should have. Um, there's a, can I do a set?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
The second group was asked to skydive for the first time and wear a sweatsuit. So imagine like two different groups, right? Like both, they sweat a lot, but different kinds of sweat. Then they had unsuspecting participants smell the sweat in an fMRI machine. Now imagine this for a second. You're in an fMRI machine. You're asked to sniff sweat.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I smelled these, and the participants had no idea what they were smelling.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
No idea, right? So can you imagine? I hope they paid them a lot. I hope they paid them a lot for the study. The participants who smelled the fear sweat caught the fear. Really? They began to feel afraid in the scanner. It actually lit up the fear part of their brain. Which shows there's so much going on. That's why I said you got to listen to your intuition, that dread.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Because if someone was making you feel afraid, your brain might realize it before you even consciously realize what's happening. And so I think going back to the very beginning of like, if you go into interaction, assuming liking, wanting to like this person, that smells... body language, vocal, pheromones, whatever it is, like genuine warmth. I want to like you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm going to ask you questions that make me want to like you. I'm going to assume that you like me. That feeling is conveyed and it catches. Like I truly think that popularity is actually a contagion. We just like people who are sending those like beams towards us. Now there's one exception to this. We all know a popular person who wasn't very nice, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
yeah that's what i was thinking about before i was like thinking about the regina george yeah regina george yes okay so there's it is a movie though but it's kind of like don't can't you think of someone who was like not very nice but was like very popular yeah probably yeah actually yeah so i think that we like people who like us and those people we want to bond with spend spend time with those people who we share our deepest darkest secrets with those people who we feel intimacy with but there is a type of person who is cool
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
who is powerful. And there is something about powerful people that we really like. And it has to do with our survival. If there was a cool, powerful, popular person, we want that person to like us because they're going to give us food. They're going to give us shelter. They're going to give a spot on the fire.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
There was one study that even looked at powerful people and they found that the most powerful person in the room has a vocal power. Like right now, I'm using a very low vocal tone. When I'm with my kids or my husband, I tend to speak a little bit more like this. This is natural for me, but it's a little higher. But I don't usually use this kind of vocal voice for my podcast.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I try to go down a little bit lower because that is competent. It's high in the competency. So natural, but competent. Powerful people use a certain kind of vocal resonance. It's called maximum resonance point. They found that in the room, other people, without realizing it, mirrored that person's vocal power. Like they literally wanted to sound like them.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And it's happened to me accidentally one time. I was with a big CEO of a big company and he had like a nice Southern drawl. Always with the Southern accent. Always with the Southern drawl. And I was started to realize I started to talk like him and I could not help it. And I am not Southern. And I was so embarrassed. I'm like, why am I doing this? Yeah.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Can I share a study that I just learned that informed this? This doesn't come from me. Make this, there's a study that I found. I love science. I love research and research often gives me confidence to try something different. And I've always wondered about popularity and likability cause I've never felt popular. I never felt very likable.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And it's because he was just so dang powerful that I was like, I'm a Texan now. Like, look at me. Because like, I just could, I could not help it because he was so powerful that I like caught it. And so there is something about powerful people.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay. So the very first one is, um, you should watch out for a romantic relationship because it's a signal of something deeper is a lip purse, a lip purse. You can try it with me. Press your lips together. Like, like, like as if you're like, I don't, I don't know about that. Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah. I've got it. Yeah. Like that, like that, like that. Yes.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So when you press your lips together in a hard line, we do this. It's like a withholding gesture.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's like, Ooh, I want to say something, but I'm not gonna. Okay. Ooh, I didn't like that, but I don't know what to say about that. Or like, I'm going to hold in whatever I'm saying. If you see your partner do this, that is an opportunity for you to be like, are we good? Anything you want to share? Anything you want to tell me? What kills a relationship is when we let resentment fester, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like I've been married for 18 years or I've been married for 14 years, but together for 18 years, long time. And I know that the sooner I can address any lip purse, any kind of withholding or feeling of like, I, the sooner I can address that calmly and the better we are. It like immediately untangles it. The longer the knot sits there, the harder it is to get out.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so one is looking for that lip purse to be like permission, permission, intimacy. Are we good? What do you want to share? Anything I didn't see here? Do you want to tell me anything? We're in a safe place. That is so loving. Like that is so permission intimacy.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
On the other hand, if you feel yourself doing a lot of like lip pursing, you are probably withholding a lot of resentment and that builds. So you have to get yourself to a safe place in your relationship where or like even time-wise, like a safe date night or after the kids go to bed where you're like, can we talk about something? I feel like I've been holding it in.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I don't want to hold it anymore. So watching out for that lip purse is everything. The second thing on the similar vein is contempt. So we talked about that one-sided mouth raise. Dr. John Gottman is a marriage and family counselor and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done. He brought people into couples in his lab and
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
He wrote that book. Yeah, he wrote that book. Okay. Okay. Perfect. Perfect. Right. So he studies marriage couples. He looked for all these variables and he found that the one predictor of divorce with 93.6% accuracy, he can tell you if a couple will get divorced by watching a silent video of them because he's looking for contempt.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so I read this study and it was by a researcher who wanted to study the popular kids, like the popular kids in high school. And so he went to thousands of high school students across a variety of schools and he looked for patterns of why some kids were popular and some weren't. And he tested a ton of variables here.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
If one member of the couple shows that one-sided mouth raise towards the other with 93.6% accuracy, they'll get divorced. Why? Why? Contempt is one of the only emotions that doesn't go away. Fear comes in a burst, you calm down. Happiness comes, then you go back to normal. Anger comes and you calm down. Not contempt.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows. And that is why at the end of a very bad marriage, you have two people who can't even look at each other. And so I want you to be one on the lookout for contempt to be like, what's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I want to be here for it because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so it can be addressed. And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it. And I have a very, very fervent belief that all couples have the same three fights and All couples have the same three fights. They might dress up as other things, but down low, they're the same three fights.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are our same three fights. What are they? Well, you're calm. Okay, you feel this way about your in-laws. I feel this way about your in-laws. You feel this way about the organization of the house. I feel this way. You are doing this with money and I'm doing this with money. What are your basic, like root level three arguments?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Where do you both stand on them? And that way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like we still disagree, you can be like, oh, this is argument number two. We got to end it. We're in a stalemate on this one. Argument number two, what are we doing today?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's too personal. You're crazy. Are you crazy? I don't know.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay. So I think that I want to be the best mom that I can. And my idea of what the best mom I can be is a lot of things. Perfectly perfect. I'm using the word perfect. Perfectly healthy meals. Perfectly healthy home. Perfectly healthy behavior. Perfectly healthy cleanliness. I want like assertive perfection that my husband does not believe is real.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And I think that he's kind of right about that, but it's really hard for me to give that up. And so a fight that we have all the time is he says, it's good enough. And I say, it's not good enough. And so we got, after many, many months, it was months actually, we figured this out pretty early, of fighting about the socks on the floor. It was not about the socks on the floor.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
We were not fighting about who was cleaning up after the other person. We were not fighting over dirty dishes. Actually, the root cause was I want a perfect home and I cannot relax until I feel like it's perfect. And he feels like that doesn't matter. It's good enough.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Right. And so that, that way, when, when his socks are on the floor, I can be like, he thinks it's good enough. Like he's happy. Socks on the floor does not mean I'm not perfect. So actually that's the fight that I am working on. That is something that I think he's actually more right about. I don't love it. And there are certain times where I'm like, please just do the dishes. Right.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like everything you would think of, like the funniest kid, the most extroverted kid, the athlete, the one with the highest GPA. None of those mattered. There were kids that were athletic or GPA, but across all the grades and all the schools, there was only one commonality. And it was that the most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like there are times like that, but I can now say to him, I'm feeling like very out of control. I need the house to be clean. And he's like, gotcha, babe. Like, I can say, I'm speaking at a deeper level of, like, why I need the house clean is because I'm feeling, like, overwhelmed internally. And having the house be clean will be one thing off the list of, like, I don't have to worry about it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so it's changed the nature of our fight. We don't have that fight as much. Not as contemptuous. Right? Like now if I have the fight, I don't feel contemptuous of him. I know where he's coming from. And so the anger is much less loaded. You know, I'm not like judging him as a person because I understand where this fight is coming from and I know what I can ask for.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so that fight has just, it's like a deflated balloon. It's like, it's just not as hot as it used to be. That's good.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So thank you for sharing that. My husband would be like, oh.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
um open palm helps oh this yes like like like i i'm like i'm not like oftentimes when we have an open palm it's like instinctive we know that like there's nothing um no weapon nothing coming i'm not holding i'm not angry like a closed fist is a cue of anger it's a clue of cue of intensity so when someone's like i just like i just want to understand you i just want to know you like look how different this is can you tell me about your marriage your marriage struggles yeah you seem very welcoming versus hands can you tell me about your marriage struggles
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
like there's something like instinctively where it's like, like it feels kind of closed. And so that really helps. Like you're just trying to like learn. I'm like, right. I'm here to teach. I am here with you to teach and share any wisdom that I have. And I have a lot of learning left, right? Like I hope I have 40, 50 more years of learning in my marriage, but I've learned a little.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so like, I'm here to teach. And so if I can be a little bit vulnerable to share something, I'm gonna try to do it. Right. Like that reminded me of like, right. I'm here to teach.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah, he didn't.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I think that it's really important. There are 97 cues. And I think it's important that we begin to talk about these because sometimes we have accidental cross wires. Accidental mismeanings, right? Like you're nervous. So you're crossing your arms because you're nervous. By the way, that is a nervous cue. We're nervous. We want to block. We want to cross our arms.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It makes us feel really safe, right? We want to protect our vital organs. That is an anxiety cue, but it also can make you look cold, distant, and closed off. A lot of cues have that where they mean one thing, but they look like another. We must teach these to our kids, right? Like I think that we've learned we got to teach our kid how to have a good handshake. Great. All for that.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
But the next thing is how do we make a good impression non-verbally, right? So with my daughter, it's working on eye contact, like making eye contact when you say your name and say, how are you? It's keeping open and visible hands, not putting your hands in your pockets, right? right? It's taking up space and claiming our space, especially for like girls.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
A lot of people, they're like, why am I not charismatic? Why do I feel not likable? Why do I feel not memorable? It's actually because you are shutting down your nonverbal cues. It would actually help you the most.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
In other words, we are in control of our likability. And it all comes down to not being the funniest or the smartest or the prettiest or the most athletic. It's do you like the people you meet? Are you searching to like the people you meet? The more you aggressively like people, the more likable you become.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I think a lot of little girls, like they try to take up as little space as possible and they, they have a little distance between their ears and their shoulders. This is actually a very big marker of confidence. If you scrunch your shoulders up and you tilt your head down, it makes me look kind of like little, right? Yeah. Kind of like low confident.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I noticed a lot of girls and women will do that as a way to be small.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes, you believe me and I feel better. I feel better. So my daughter is an ambivert. She's like in between extrovert and introvert, which means she likes being around her friends, but she gets nervous and like big birthday parties. Like she will not leave my side at a birthday party. You know, she is not the first to jump in the pool. You know, so she just needs a little bit of time. Okay.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Well, when we're ambiverted or anxious, we get small. We cross our arms. We roll our shoulders up. We tilt our head towards our chest. And you'll see boys and girls will kind of like shrink. Well, when you are shrunk, you feel worse. And so it's a bad cycle. You get small. You feel small. You feel like, I don't belong to be here. And they really don't want to participate.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I've been trying to teach my daughter, we have to stand how we want to feel. Let's stand like we're a Superman. Pretend like you're wearing a cape. Put your shoulders down and back. Hold your head up. Try to look tall. Can you try to look tall for me? Like, have your hands out and, like, let them be free. Like, what do you see? Show me things.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And you can actually see it take an emotional change because I know there's a chemical response that's happening and it also makes her look better.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm tilting my head. It's universal. So when we tilt our head to the side, it's like a universal sign of engagement. I'm like, oh, I want to hear you better. I want to hear more. That's what we think. It's cute when dogs do it. We're like, oh, He's listening to me. They're not. They just tilt their head to the side. But humans, we do.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so when you're engaged, I know that I've said something engaging when you're like, ah, or you raise your eyebrows. So when you raise your eyebrows at me, I'm like, oh, I said something good. When you head tilt, I'm like, yay. They're trying to hear. You can also use these to show your children you're engaged, show your partner you're engaged, show your teammates you're engaged.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I think gifting people nonverbal listening cues is one of the greatest things you can do to get them to keep talking, right? So, okay, teaching our kids also, how do we be a good listener, right? I often hear parents say like, listen, listen up, be a good listener. Well, what does that mean? Yes, we're turning on our ears.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And it happened in these micro moments of connection that in the hallway, they were like, hey, Jaren. Hey, Sarah. Good to see you, Jen. These little conversations where they liked everyone. And so they became more likable. And that was like such a game changer for me because it meant when I go to a party or an event, all I have to do is try to like this person as much as I possibly can.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I've heard teachers say that, but it also means giving them nonverbal gifts of listening, right? So that could be a slow triple nod. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Research has found that when someone triple nods, the other person speaks 67% longer.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
67% is a long time. If I'm just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You want to keep going. Yeah. There's something about internally.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
we are accidentally sending the wrong cues. Instinctively, when you're interested, you already do these things. That's the beauty. You're like, oh, I did head tilt. Yes, amazing. What I'm trying to teach people is let's be purposeful. One, so we gift them to others so that they are more open and they feel better. It's a gift to them. But second, when we're anxious, what do we do? We freeze.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
we freeze. And so a lot of people, they're like, why am I not charismatic? Why do I feel not likable? Why do I feel not memorable? It's actually because you are shutting down your nonverbal cues that would actually help you the most. And this happens with kids too, where they're told to behave or they're told to turn their listening ears.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And that means sitting stock still and just listening like this. And they've misinterpreted that message. So actually we say, no, Yes, let's turn on your ears. And then if you agree with something, you should give them a gift. It's a nod like this. Yeah, give them a gift. You know, the gift you can give them is tilt your head to the side so you can listen better. Let your ear hear more.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Make it like a microphone. You know what else you could do is you could lean in if you really like something that's a gift to them. So if we give them these tools, it actually helps them be better listeners for sure. But also then the other person can say more interesting things. And so it's like this beautiful feedback loop that I just want us to talk more about to like make it more intentional.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay, so there's research on this. The moment I got pregnant, I was like, all the parenting research. I was like, give me all the studies. So I was like, when will they be themselves? When will their personality? So there's research on this. So they did an amazing research experiment. where they brought children into their lab and they had their caregivers do personality tests for them.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And there are five big personality traits, which we can talk about, that are pretty well researched, that are pretty well established. And they had them do this personality test. So they then found the personality of these children. Then they followed these children for 20 years. 20 years, okay, till they became adults. Then they gave those kids the same tests again.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And they wanted to see, were they similar? they found that it wasn't until age three that the test started to match.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Well, it could be true. It could be true. It could be true. And also like it could... Look, just because some solidify it three doesn't mean you don't see it really early, right? So three is when the research begins to say...
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
okay your kid might start to be they're they're formed okay they're starting to be shaped and so i did notice this so i have a two-year-old and a six and a half year old when my my six and a half year old was two she was a little different oh okay three was a little more accurate to where she is now and i don't think she's changed at all since three so my two-year-old will see
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
All I have to do is try to search for something authentically and genuinely that I like about them. And if that makes me more likable, great. Otherwise the conversation is still a success.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You know, we'll see. We have, she's two years and 11 months, two years and one month. So we have 11 months to go, but it's forming. Like I can see these things, these forces shaping her personality literally right now. Like I can see that like my older daughter is shaping my younger daughter.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Right. Like I can see the type of school or daycare or nanny that we are choosing is affecting her personality for sure. So zero to three is extremely formative. You are literally forming their personality. However, I do think a lot of it is nature.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes, we can shape and mold, of course, but a lot of it is, I think, pure genetics. They've also proven this. Of the five personality traits, a lot of them are heritable. They actually can point to the genes. One of them is neuroticism. Neuroticism is one of my favorite personality traits. Neuroticism is how you approach worry. High neurotics, those are high neuroticism scale, we default to worry.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
We tend to be less emotionally stable, so we have more mood swings. We also think the worst will happen. And when the worst does happen, we have a longer time to recover. I am a high neurotic. My husband is a low neurotic. My daughter is a high neurotic. It's one of the reasons why I think she's ambiverted, is she worries about the worst that could happen.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Now, I went into this research and I was like, is this a choice? Do I have any choice over this? What they found is that neuroticism is partially heritable. In fact, they've even pinpointed a gene, it's called the serotonin transport gene, that neurotics carry the long form of which means that if you have the long version of this gene, you produce less serotonin and you produce it more slowly.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
This is why I'm a worrier, is because when bad things happen to me, I recover chemically less quickly. My husband, who has the short version, I'll say, we're in the car and we almost get hit. We We both have adrenaline and cortisol spike. My husband, his body and brain go, oh, we're okay. Serotonin, calm down. You're okay. My body goes, and very slowly trickles the serotonin.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So even a half an hour later, I'm still kind of jittery. No way. And that is because I literally have less serotonin in my body because I produce it more slowly. I have a slow form of that gene. So why I share this is because I do believe we have some control over our moods and our feelings. I do. But we also do have genetic expressions of things.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It could be confidence. I actually think it's even something deeper than that and more selfish, which is we think we're pretty great. Like our opinions. If someone likes us, we're like, well, they have good taste. I think there's like this little bit of like, we're unsure. And if someone likes us and wants to belong and hang out with us, we're like, well, that that's pretty great. That's easy.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so if you have a worrier who you're married to, it's probably a physiological response that they're worrying because they're literally producing that chemical more slowly. And so that means you've got to give them a little more time. Oh, sorry. No, I was going to say, just don't make any major decisions when they're not having a lot of serotonin.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so I will literally say to Scott, like, I know I cannot make a major decision after I got a bad email. Like if I get a bad email, like someone tells me bad news, I am not allowed to make any decisions for like 30 to 45 minutes. I will back away from my computer. I go get a snack. I take a walk outside. I give a snuggle to my kids because I know that my chemical is not there yet.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And then I'm totally fine. Back to myself 45 minutes later. I think like if we know this about ourselves, we can control it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Communication and self-regulation. right? So if you know that you have your opposites, and that's just one of the personality traits, we can talk about other ones. You know that you're a neurotic married to a, by the way, it's beautiful to have a marriage with a low and a high neurotic. This is a beautiful, beautiful marriage because the low neurotic, you need all the personality traits.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
We need diversity of personality, right? In my marriage, because I worry, I think of plans A, B, C, and D. So I make it so we don't get into a crisis very often. Like I have it all planned out. He's a fly by the seat of your pants kind of guy. That's me. Right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
neuroticism is not logical and so this will drive you crazy because it's not logical and so worriers worry as an investment in failure prevention and so i think that you have to realize from a communication standpoint is that when abby worries she is worrying to calm herself down like she wants to prevent yeah right and so like and then you have to know that your worrying is not going to prevent failures and so after a certain point you should cut yourself off
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Right. So like, I know that if I'm worrying, I'm like, okay, I can't make a decision for 45 minutes and I just have to like, let it go. I literally can't worry about it. Like I was late. My flight that was delayed today. And I'm like, we're sitting there and we try to get another flights, no other flights. And I was like, I'm going to worry about this.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm going to text Addie and then I'm just going to let it go. I'm just going to let it go because I knew that if I got myself worked up, I would not be okay for the interview. And so I think it's communication and self-regulation. So knowing your partner's neuroticism and knowing their strengths. My husband is amazing in a crisis. He's so calm.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
He's the guy I want in a crisis because he's not worried. Whereas I'm the one who prevents crises from happening in the first place. Because I have plan A, B, C, and D. It's beautiful to have that. So you have to appreciate what you really love about them and communicate, I'm so grateful for you. You're my rock in this crisis. And I need to just vent out loud for you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So communicating what you need to be able to self-regulate. The other one that I wanted to point out is openness. So I hear about this a lot in marriages where there's a difference in openness. So of the big five personality traits, I call them ocean, openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. There's five.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm going to like them back. It's like almost an easier way of interacting. And so like going into interaction being like, I'm going to aggressively like people, it makes people feel belonging.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
This is way more research-backed than Enneagram or DISC or Myers-Briggs. This is the most research-backed across genders, cultures, and races. So it's really good science. Openness is, I think, the most important when it comes first, which is how you relate to new people. High open people love new. They love to try new things, new restaurants. They thrive on new. They are like fed by new.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
My low open people love tradition. They love ritual. They love routine. They thrive in routine. New gets them a little uncomfortable. And so this can be a huge fight in a marriage because what's happening chemically? Chemically, high opens often carry DRD4. It's a gene specifically that relates to adrenaline and dopamine. High opens get more of a chemical hit of pleasure when they try new things.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So the risk of trying a new restaurant and having it be bad is worth the chemical possibility that it could be amazing. They tend to be skydivers. They tend to be gamblers. They can often be addicts. And that's because they are so seekers of that novelty because they get such chemical pleasure from that newness.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And like, what a gift you can give to someone to like, assume liking, to not make someone work for it, to not make someone try to impress you or earn it, that you're just going to give them the grace of liking them for who they are. And you're going to assume likeability. It's like such, it's such a powerful way to interact. And that changed my interactions with people.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Although I would take a gift card. I would also take a gift card.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
excuse me um no but i i do i like every time we travel somewhere i'm like we got to move here and abby's like you say that every time we go somewhere new yes my husband's the same my husband will be in a place that's beautiful for one minute and he'll be like redfin like looking up real estate you know he's like oh my gosh look at these these homes these home prices i'm like what are you talking about our life is in austin okay and i lived in oregon by the way and it was lovely it's beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful lots of rain though
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So high open folks, you're seeking that novelty because you know you get a lot of pleasure from it. Low open folks do not get as chemical of a burst. So they're like, why would I risk a bad meal when I can have my favorite? And low open people, they want to go to the same restaurant with the same waiter, order the same thing in the same way every time.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Because for them, there's no chemical pleasure from the risk of trying something new. And they get a lot of security and feel like I'm okay with the ritual routine. Neither of these are right or wrong, but they can cause massive problems in a marriage. And so it's really important to communicate and self-regulate, okay?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So you're going to communicate what are your openness needs or your ritual needs. Like if you're someone who needs ritual, you should be saying not, I don't want to mess up the routine. That's the wrong way to communicate. The right way to communicate is, hey, on Christmas, it's a really important holiday for me.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I love to have the same breakfast we've always had, and I love to do this with the tree, and I don't want to go to Hawaii for Christmas because I really love that ritual. It makes me feel like it's my favorite family moment of the year.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
that's the way to communicate that and then for the the partner who's like but i want to try something new self-regulation is what else could you do new that would scratch the itch what else can we do that would make you feel a little bit of that high open pleasure that's not going to take away my ritual that's beautiful because it's like then you can both get your happiness that's it but without effing up the other person's happiness that's it
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay, so everything is a spectrum. They've literally found this. By the way, you're welcome to find out your personality. I have a free test on my website. You can take it as many times as you want. Take it yourself, take it with your partner, and compare your results. The reason why I have it up for free is so you can take it. It's a spectrum, so we can plot you on the spectrum. Okay.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So it's very rare that someone is super, super high open and super, super low open. Usually we're somewhere in between. So like an ambivert on the extroversion scale is right in the middle. An ambivert, my daughter's an ambivert and I'm an ambivert, which means I can be very social and very chatty in this situation. I'm very comfortable. If you were to say, do you want to go to happy hour?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'd be like, No. You want to go to a big nightclub? No, thank you. Like those big conference mingling times? Cannot do. Because that's like too extroverted for me. It's too much small talk. It's too much chitchat. I can't do it. It's too many strangers. Whereas like two strangers, I can do it. We have a goal together. I can do it. But I need lots of recharge time. I need lots of recharge time.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So where you are on the spectrum can dictate how much you're willing to do. Like a very high open person, they are imprisoned by too much ritual. They're moving all the time. They can't stand having a job that has the same thing every day because it literally makes them feel like handcuffed. So knowing where you fall on the spectrum is also really good.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So you're probably in the middle of openness actually.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You're ambivert, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And I think letting your children be ambiverts, most people actually are ambiverts. And so I think sometimes we can say like, oh, she's so shy. you know, give her ambivert as a title, right? Like, I think that's a gift to give our kids of like the like self-knowledge to be like, Hey, like there's certain people who you love to be around yourself. You're fun and you're talkative.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And there's some people who like, maybe like you take a little time, a little quieter. Like what a gift to give them.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes, scienceofpeople.com slash personality.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Okay, so openness, how you'd approach new. Neuroticism, we did. How you approach worry. Next one is conscientiousness. Conscientiousness is how you approach details. So high conscientious folks love organizing. This is me. I get like an adrenaline rush when I alphabetize. Like I like love it. Like I like love office supplies and color coding and alphabetizing. I love a spreadsheet. I love details.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's true. It tricks. I'm a social overthinker. I'll overthink what I'm going to say or what I did say. But when I'm like, oh no, this is about them. This is about you. Don't worry about what you're going to say. Just like them, like them, like them. It's like a trick. It like tricks you into stop not being so selfish, not thinking about yourself so much. So it totally is.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like the more details you give me, the better. It's why I love research. Love it. Like it's a problem for me as a teacher that I give too many details. I'm so sorry if I've already given too many details. Like I go too into the weeds. Like I don't know if you need to know the name of the G and D already for, but like I had to tell you. You know what I mean? I needed to tell you that.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It was a really important detail to me. So high conscious people, we love details. We love a clean house. We're very organized. High conscientious. We also remember a lot of details. I have a very good memory. If my husband said one wrong thing 10 years ago, I remember. Good and bad. It's good and bad. Low conscientious person are our free flowing birds.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
They're the people who say a phrase that I never say, which is like, let's just wait and see. That's just not something that I say. Or they'll be like, let's just see how it goes. Let's see how we feel. And I'm like, but what's the schedule? You know what I mean? So they're very free flow. They're very good at being spontaneous. They're so good at enjoying the moment.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's something that I struggle with. They also are people who come up with really creative, amazing, spontaneous ideas. And so that can also be an issue in a marriage. They've actually found that two low conscientious people in a marriage have financial problems. And that is because if both people are free flowing and like spend as you wish, no one's paying the bills.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Right. And so like that can be a money can be an issue there with, um, high consciousness, uh, budgeting and details. And like, we can't be spontaneous and flexible at this moment because we have goals. We have budgeting goals. So a lot of money, money talk, money issues. I are about all like when someone says they're having financial fight, I'll say, let's, let's figure out your conscientiousness.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's probably that, um, So that's conscientiousness. The next one is extroversion, which we talked about. So high extroverts get energy from being with people. Low extroverts, also called introverts, lose energy from being with people. They gain energy being alone.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Something important to know about introverts too is if you're having a bad day and you're an introvert, you want to be alone to be okay. If you're having a bad day as an extrovert, you want to be with others to be okay. If you're having a good day and you're an extrovert, you want to celebrate with others to celebrate the win.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
If you're an introvert and you have a good day, you want to be alone to relish it by yourself.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
No one talks about it. Actually, they think about 80% of people are actually ambiverted. Very few people are the extremes. And so this is good too. I share the good day, bad day, because I think like in a relationship where like, even with your kids, like if they've had a bad day and extroverts like, well, let's go out and like, you know, cheer you up.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And they're like, I just want to be alone on the couch.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm like, I'm like heating blanket in front of the TV on my couch. Like that's what I want to do on a bad day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I just share that because that's even like a very small, but like can be a significant thing of how you make your kids, your partner feel like, um, felt cared for. Yeah. So that's extroversion. The last one's the hardest one, which is agreeableness.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It like shuts down those thoughts.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
This is how you approach cooperation. So highly agreeable people say default to yes. They say yes to everything, even if they don't really want to do it because they are people pleasers. So they're like, oh yes, you know you're in a relationship with a highly agreeable person if they say yes and cancel on you all the time. Because they say, yes, I want to do that.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And they're like, oh, actually, I don't want to do that. I'm not showing up. Or they say yes, they overburden themselves. They say yes to way, way too many things because they so want to do all the things and they so want to please. They're very agreeable. They also will say yes like they won't send their food back if something's wrong with their food because they don't want to upset anyone.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
They can be great team players because they're very good at cooperation. They'll go with the team. They'll go with what everyone else is saying. But sometimes they say yes to too much. And sometimes it can be hard on a team because they'll say yes and not do it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Naturally good. Very much. Do you?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It does. I think it does.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You might be actually medium or low agreeable. That's a very low agreeable thing to say. I am a little bit higher on the agreeableness spectrum. So low agreeable people default to no and they're very skeptical. Yeah.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'll be like, I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure she means well. And he's like, I don't know. Let's look at that. Let's look a little deeper into that. He will want to dig a little bit deeper. So low agreeable people, they default to no. Even if it's going to mean upsetting people, they don't care. They would rather get it right than be liked.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
yes right and so low agreeable people they're very skeptical they tend to be very data and numbers based yeah um they uh don't want to give you a yes until they're absolutely sure it's a yes and so that's a it can be challenging in a friendship you know because like i have a low agreeable friend and i'm like let's go to like i don't
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
even know let's go to a comedy club it'll be so fun and she's like i don't know about that they often are like too cool for stuff they're like too cool for school don't want to say yes like want to play a little hard to get like it's a it's a way of being that low agreeableness i don't think you're that low i feel very targeted right now oh no because that's weird yeah matt's an anomaly i think in a lot of ways you say yes really quickly but then you might not actually mean it i'm like matt let your yeses be yeses
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
not your person. Matt loves ballet.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. And like that, but like, that's a great allergy for you of like, like for example, I don't like too cool people. So I have trouble with this friend, like this friend who's like too cool for things. Like we like, like it's a little bit hard for me. I agree.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. It's a challenge. And I like, I love her, but like, Like just like be uncool sometimes. Like it's okay. Like try like something you wouldn't normally say yes to. Like it's okay. If there's one like thing I could leave with the world is like can we all just be our weird selves and like love us for it?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes. Right? Like can we all just do that? Like we're all weird. Yeah. We're all a little weird. And so if we could just be like, here's my weird. Here's the weird thing about me. And love each other for it. Or be like, oh, that's not my flavor of weird. You do you. That would be, if I could let people do that. That's why the opening line of my first book is, I'm a recovering awkward person.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Is to give people permission to be like, oh, me too. Me too. Let's not pretend.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I met my husband when I was on a boy diet. I was on a boy diet. This is when I was... My husband and I were college sweethearts. We were together for like 18 years. And I was like, you know, like dating and trying. I was trying and trying and trying to get, you know, boys to like me. And I was like, I'm on a boy diet. No more boys. Just hanging out with my girlfriends.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Oh my gosh. Just be yourself and don't try to hide it. Right? Like, I think that because I was like authentically myself, I found my people so much faster.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. So there is something called free trait theory. It's based on these five personality traits. So these five personality traits are very well studied. They've been the research and a lot of them are heritable. And that means that a lot of them don't change. Right. So if you are high neurotic, you're set that way for life. And these researchers were like, ooh, this is not good.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
This can't be right. This can't be right. People do change. And so they did all these studies on one, what changes over time. And people do change over time. You can modify your personality to a certain extent. So free trade theory basically says, if you have a goal, you can... modify your traits. If you have a really specific goal, the kind of famous example is Jackie Kennedy.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Jackie Kennedy was a severe introvert, but her husband wanted to be president of the United States. Okay. And she loved her husband. And so she was like, Oh, and so she had to figure out how to dial into Amber version to be on new interviews, to go out in public, to shake hands. She had to figure that out for her husband.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And that was not something she enjoyed, but she figured it out and she did it exceptionally well. She was known as one of the most classy, amazing, you know, uh, president's wives.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I share that story because I think if you or your husband has a goal, um, you need to figure out how much can you change of yourself while still feeling like yourself. Now that could be 20% for you and 30% for them. You know, it could be 5% for you and 10% for them. And so it's getting in your marriage and being like, okay, where are we different? What are these allergies?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
How much do I need to change for this? So for example, my husband is super high open and he loves, loves, loves international travel. I travel a lot for work. So for me, it's just, I don't want to. So we have decided, okay, he can do little mileage runs. He can go somewhere really, he literally will fly somewhere like Singapore for a day and fly right back.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like he will like do the, just, just for the sake of being on the flight. Cause he loves it. He gets a lot of miles for us. Great. It's only two days for me. I can stay with my kids. I hang out with my girlfriends. So we figured out like, it's not me taking more international trips. Although we, we are doing one every two years. It's actually letting him, that's like, it tickles him.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like it tickles his dopamine. He like loves that so much. So like, what are the ways that like he can feel like himself and I can feel like myself without us totally sacrificing who we are. That's beautiful. So I think that it's that conversation of like, all right, this is an allergy that you have. This is where I am on the scale. What can we do? How can we meet a little bit closer to the middle?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Just focusing on my schoolwork. I was in college at the time. And then my husband just... like a beautiful man comes out and I'm like, Nope, Nope. I'm on a boy diet. Nope. And so I actively, he'll tell you, I actively tried to ignore him and I tried to not have him like me because I was like, I'm on a boy diet. And then of course, I hear that so often.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
What if we saw where our friends are, saw where our kids are, saw where our partners are, and we're like, okay, if you're changing, I'm going to change with you. Let's do this together. I was even talking to a friend, and we figured we've been together with our partners for so long that I almost feel like I've been married to different men.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You know, like as he's gone, like we were together at 20. And so we've changed a lot over the last, you know, 18 years, almost 20 years now. And like, that's a good thing, right? Like, I feel like he's been different. I've been different. And we had dinner two nights ago and I was like, so actually here's a tool for you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
There are nine questions that I've developed that I think can transform your relationship. If you ask these nine questions once a year to your partner or the people who matter to you, it will transform your relationships. And they are based on the science of connection. Dr. Dan McAdams found that there are three levels of connection. This is what my next book is about.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
This is why my husband wanted to name it Connection. This is why I wanted to name it Conversation. Same principle, different title. What he found is that in order to feel rapport with someone else, in order to feel truly connected to another human being, you have to pass through these three levels. The first one is called general traits.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Oh my gosh, yes!
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's like your basic facts, hometown, family status, occupation. This is why we are constantly stuck in like, what do you do? Where are you from? Level one.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I know. The reason why we do it is because we're actually trying to pass through level one as quickly as possible. You actually can't connect with someone if you don't know that. You can't feel truly bonded to someone if you don't know if they're married or if they have kids or what their job is. It's really, really hard to feel connected to them if you don't have that.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I would say replace those questions with the questions that I'm going to teach you. Level two is called personal concerns. This is if you know someone's goals, values, motivations, personality traits. So once you begin to know, oh, someone's conscientiousness, oh, what's her biggest goal in life? Oh, what worries her? You're in level two with them. That's we have the next level of relationship.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
The last one, the hardest one is called self-narrative. This is when you know the story someone tells themselves about themselves. How someone makes sense of their own journey and purpose in life. We all have a self-narrative. Some of us don't even know what our own self-narratives are. I didn't until I read this research.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
The story you tell yourself about yourself is critical for how you're going to make decisions. So for example, a very common self-narrative is a hero self-narrative. The story is, I had challenges, I had mistakes, but with smarts and hard work, I was able to overcome. That would repeat over and over again. That's my narrative. So I feel like I'm a recovering awkward person.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I was awkward, but I conquered it. I'm recovering. I'm in recovery. So anytime I have a situation that I'm like, ooh, with business, or I'm like, no, I can figure this out. I can figure this out with my smarts and my hard work. I can be recovering. An opposite of that is a victim. Someone who has a victim self-narrative also feels challenges, mistakes, but they weren't able to overcome.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
They feel unlucky. They feel like they can never do better. And they are constantly in that narrative. Everything is woe is them. Ah, I can't do anything about it. I can't change it. I don't like this. And they're in that victim self-narrative. That is the highest level of knowing. If you know what someone's self-narrative is. So these nine questions are designed to move you through those levels.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And if you can do them with your partner or your spouse, it is game changing. I do them with my partner once a year. We just did them on Valentine's Day. So we like just finished these, doing these. So here they are. Level one. And these ones you can do with your kids, your teammates, and new relationships. What was the highlight of your day? This is only to break the social script of how are you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Right? Like you see an old friend, how are you? Good? Busy? How are you? That's how it is. You ask someone, that's the question. So what was the highlight of your day? What was the highlight of your week? Is a way to break how are you? And you'll learn something.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes. How are you actually, how are you really totally breaks that script. I also, um, I just put this on my Instagram and it's like going totally viral, which is for the record, I want the real reason. I want the real, the long answer to how are you? So I can say like, how are you? I want the long answer that also breaks the script.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I love the hug.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's like, okay, we're besties. So your answer can also break the script. Like if you're asked, how are you? You have an opportunity to break the script with your answer.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'm working on my dad jokes. I'm working on them.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I don't know. All I know is that I couldn't not be with him. you know, like I was like, no, I shouldn't do this. But then I was like, oh, but I just love spending time with him. And he's so great. And like, I feel so comfortable around him. I couldn't not be with him. So we were friends for like three months. Cause I was like, no.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You've earned the right to have dad jokes. Thank you. Thank you. That's my goal. The other thing that every dad says, I don't know if you say this all the time, is like your kids are doing something like very energetic and the dad goes, they're going to sleep well tonight.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah, that is a dad joke.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You can also, so asking what was the highlight of your day and then what personal passion project are you working on? Or if you want to know what they do, you don't know what they do, you can say working on anything exciting these days. Because then it's permission, right? Like what do you do is really asking someone what are you worth?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
and I don't want to do that to someone else, especially if someone's not defined by what they do or they don't feel like what they do matters. So if I say working on anything exciting recently, I am giving you permission to tell me whatever excites you, whether that's a personal passion or your job or your kids.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's also like if you have a stay-at-home mom who doesn't like the question, what do you do? If I say working on anything exciting, they can say, yes, I'm working on this with my kids or this is my PTA or I'm homeschooling. great. A gift to them. So let's see if I remember. What was the highlight of your day? Working on anything exciting or personal passion.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Third, this is for people you see regularly. Do you have anything exciting coming up this weekend, vacation, holiday, spring break, summer? It's future dopamine. These questions, I designed them, these first three, they're dopamine juicers. I'm All I'm trying to do is ask you a question that's going to juice dopamine from another area of your life.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And then finally on my 21st birthday, we were on Mount Everest together and he brought a little bottle of champagne in his backpack to Mount Everest. We're like, you know, 13,000 feet above sea level. We were like, I'm like, you know, altitude sickness, everything. I'm like oxygen. And he's like, And he like gives me, and I was like, oh my goodness, yes. I mean, how do you say no?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So if I ask you, working on anything exciting, you're like, exciting, exciting. You know, I am excited about... I've just borrowed dopamine from something else for our conversation, which gives you energy, which gives you motivation and makes you feel good, right? Dr. John Medina has also found that if we produce dopamine in a conversation, we become more memorable.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I want my conversations to be super memorable and I want them to be a pleasure. I don't want to ask a question that's going to make someone uncomfortable. So if I say to them, you know, what personal passion project are you working on? And they're like, oh, let me tell you. That's like giving them the gift of dopamine, which makes them feel better. Those are the first three.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And you can ask that last one. The trick that I have, it's a very easy one, is on Mondays and Tuesdays, I ask everyone on my team, all my friends, you do anything exciting this past weekend? Right, juice and dopamine from their weekend. On Thursdays and Fridays, I always ask, do anything exciting this upcoming weekend? And on Wednesdays, I don't talk to anyone. He was like, don't.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Then it's the highlight of your week. I don't have a question for you. Exactly. We're out. We're out. Wednesday's an inside day. It's an amber bird. Right. So like, I know that those are my go-to questions. I don't have to think about it. And my friends know this too. So on our team, my, my team is virtual at Science People. We have people all over the world.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I noticed that my team calls all started like accidentally negative, like, oh, the weather, oh, the traffic. And it was like kind of this like awkward, negative small talk. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no more. So I changed. I said, okay, guys, the moment we get on a call, we are starting with something good. I want everyone on the team to share something good. I don't care what it is.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It can be big or small. Celebrate it. Win. Success. And what's amazing is it's completely changed our team culture. Because one, we all start with something good, which is literally juicing dopamine. But second, my team member told me, you know, Vanessa, that question has changed my life because on Monday, if I haven't done something good, I do something good.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like it makes me like go out and do something good. Yeah. Like when we ask better questions, we are giving people gifts of higher expectations. We're making them better. Like if you ask someone, what's your personal passion project? And they go, I don't have one. Opportunity.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
One, you can start to brainstorm with them. Well, what could you do that's passionate? Or I'm so sorry. Tell me what's going on for you. Right? Like either way, it's an opportunity for depth. Yeah. And also, it then says, oh, you know, Vanessa's going to ask me about my personal passion. I better work on that.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's actually really good. That is valuable. That's valuable in some ways. That's super valuable. Yeah. So the goal question, thank you for bringing that up. That is the first question of level two. So those three questions are level one. You should do them with everyone in your life. They're very easy. You should start questions like that.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Level two, if you're like, I want to go a little deeper. What's your biggest goal right now? Or what goal are you working on? Is the next question is question number four. That is beginning to get into someone's values, their motivations. And it's one of my allergy questions. So I love asking pretty quickly in a relationship. So what's your biggest goal? What was your New Year's resolution?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Well, yeah, at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
What goal are you working on right now? Because if they say no, I know we're probably not going to get along. I'm just super, super goal-oriented. My whole day is around micro-wins. We're not going to get along if we don't have goals. And also then I learn so much about them. Their answers usually surprise me.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So asking about goals, it's a wonderful way to encourage goals and encourage a little bit more depth. Then, this is a bigger one, and I'm not sure if I'm going to include this in the book yet, because I'm literally actively writing right now, but I really like it, which is, what's your expert power?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And I'm not sure how this is going to go in conversation, because I teach this to my students, but I haven't tried it in new conversation yet, so I have to test it with my students. But expert power is the influence that comes from having a unique skill set, knowledge, or expertise. I believe everyone should have an expert power and everyone doesn't have expert power.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
They just have to figure out what it is. And it might not be obvious. Like some ones are obvious. Like I'm, you know, the most incredible, you know, I'm the most brilliant scientist. That would be an expert power. But I think a lot of times they're smaller. Like my husband is like finding things. He's like a very, very good researcher.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like that was his answer when I asked this question on Valentine's Day is he can like find anything. Like he can find the cheapest flight to Turkey. Like I don't know how he does it. Like he can like... find like an amazing deal on a home, like we do real estate for fun on the side. He can find like these incredible gems.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Peer pressure. Oh, no. Peer pressure was like anything you want. Yes.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
He can find like the sauna that's 50% off, but also like wood burning and like gonna be like, I don't know how he does it. That's his expert power is researching. I think I have an extra power with words. Like I can try to turn an idea into something that someone could actually get.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So helping people in your life find their expert power, I think is really important, especially your kids and your partner. And even small ones matter, right? Like cheering someone up, that's an expert power. High contentiousness, being an amazing organizer, that's an expert power. An incredible cook, that's an expert power. So I think like that expert power is really important.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And it brings me to the next question, which is if someone doesn't have an expert power, you should ask, what are you learning right now? Or what's something you've always wanted to learn? Because if someone doesn't have an expert power, maybe they could learn it and maybe you could help.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. Well, thank you. I'm also just so touched and honored that you're asking these questions and letting me share this because this is some hard stuff to talk about. I know people listening are probably like, this is making me uncomfortable, these questions. I know. We've got to be courageous. We've got to be courageous askers.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You're a courageous listener because you're like, I'm going to take this in and I'm going to feel it. So the Truman story, I've got to tell the Truman story. I was so inspired by this story. So Harry S. Truman, president of the United States, you would not think was a severe introvert. And he was at the 1944 Democratic National Convention and he was the underdog. Everyone was like, you're a joke.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
No, okay, so this is, I think, if you are looking for even friends or a partner, this works for either one, is I think we try to be appealing to everyone, right? And that never works. That's why you go on so many bad dates or you have bad relationships or you hang out with a friend but you feel ambivalent about them, which is actually the worst thing you can feel about someone.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You can't win. Nobody likes you. He was so not favored. He wasn't even considered. And the way that a convention works, especially back then, was you fought on stage. You went up and you gave a stump speech. You gave a speech. You rallied for 10 minutes. As you were on stage, you were fighting and you were gaining votes. And that's how you did it. You were on stage.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And Truman looked at that stage and he was like, I am not a good public speaker. He was not a good public speaker. He was not a good orator. He was like, I am not going to win on that stage. I am not going to win giving speeches and passionate speeches. I can't do it. So instead, he was very clever. He was very good at deep one-on-one conversations.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
He was really good at convincing someone one-on-one. So he found, it was very hot in Chicago that year. So the convention center was hot. He found the one air conditioned room in the basement and he rented it out. And one by one, he'd grab a delegate and say, come on down with me to the air conditioned room I have. And they would sit in the air conditioning and they were like, oh, this is great.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And then Truman would just talk to them. Talk to them about who they were and about his ideas and what he believed in and what he could do. And one by one, literally vote by vote, he won the Democratic National Convention. He won the nomination. By one by one vote, by one-on-one conversations, by not competing on the stage where he knew he would lose, his expert power was one-on-one conversations.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so my goal is to help people find their expert power, even no matter how small that is. What is your expert power? That is going to give you a lot of micro-wins. We talk about micro-wins. If you feel capable, I'm like, yes, I got this. You do that by exercising your extra power every day. And so that second question, that one, two, four, five, fifth question, and then what are you learning?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
If we're helping everyone in our life have a growth mindset and find their extra power, what a gift. Those are level two questions. Level three questions. How do you find yourself narrative? By the way, just answering these for yourself at first is hard enough, right? Like start with just your own answers. Okay. The last three questions are, how do you feel most misunderstood?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I have asked this question to thousands of people and everyone has had an answer, which means no one feels like they are understood. Everyone feels they're slightly misunderstood in some way. No one ever said to me, oh, Vanessa, I feel understood. No one ever in thousands of people. And so the fact that we all feel misunderstood in some way points to a deeper truth that we have to fix it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so if you ask other people in your life, how do you feel most misunderstood? You will learn so much about them. You will learn so much about them. The most common answers to this question, by the way, so much so that I don't need to feel alone if this is your answer. People think I'm outgoing and extroverted and I'm not. I'm introverted and I'm scared and I'm anxious.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like I bet you people listening are surprised by your answers.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I bet. I'm surprised by your answers and I listen to your podcast.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You're like, I don't know if I want to hang out with them. Should I cancel? That is not a friend you should spend time with because it means you feel ambivalent. You should only have people in your life who you're like, I cannot wait to spend time with them. I can't not... hang out with them.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yes. I'm like, all the Duggar interviews are the best. No way.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Because I've wanted to hear their story forever and you actually so kindly and wonderfully asked them. Anyway, yeah. Thank you. That's so nice.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You were the only ones who actually got, like, actually genuinely asked their story and gave them the safe space to share it. And I was like, I watch all of them. Scott's like, oh, it's not an abbey. That's where we're going. I'm like, all the Duggar interviews that I watch, that's them. You're so kind.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I know.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah, so that's how I found you. And so it was surprising to me to hear that you feel awkward or uncomfortable because you seem so comfortable in this setting.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I know. So that question unlocks some things. The other thing that I hear a lot is people think I have it all together, but actually I'm very anxious and worried and scared. It's the other thing that I hear a lot. So giving someone permission to answer that question honestly and thinking about yourself, like how do you feel misunderstood? So you can go correct it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I felt very misunderstood when I was hiding my awkwardness. Now I actually feel the most understood I've ever felt because I'm like, well, this is me. you know, take it or leave it. At least I'm understood, you know? Um, and so, cause that's the, that's the next question is, um, this is a sounds kind of silly, but it's actually not silly. What book, movie or TV character is most like you and why?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Me? That question? Yeah, we can do it. Yeah. Um, yes, I'm happy to answer it. So this question, It's really important for a self-narrative to see how someone sees themselves. Because you might see them as very different. And actually, I've asked this question to a lot of people. Often, not always, answers shock me. I'm like, what? Like, that's how you see yourself.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I'll give you one example that really changed my perspective on friendship. I asked this question to someone who I knew for many years. I lived in Portland for a decade. Find her many years, go to dinner all the time, hang out all the time on the weekend, know her kids, know her husband, like thought I was like very, very close with her.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so I think that China actually informed my ideas about this allergy and that I was studying abroad in China. And if you're studying abroad in China, especially in 2006, you're a certain kind of person, right? Like you're a certain kind of student.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Sitting at dinner, I was like, you know, I'm playing with this question for my research on self-narratives. What book or movie or TV character is most like you? Now you have to say like you, not who you aspire to be. Like most similar to you in values and personality and life choices, not looks, right? So it's important like that. So values, personality, life choices, who's like most like you?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. And I thought she was gonna say, she's a mom of three. I was like, oh, I thought she was gonna say like, you know, like a fun TV mom. Or like, she's so funny and she's a stay-at-home mom. And I was like, it's gonna be a mom for sure. She was like, oh, Katniss Everdeen.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Totally. So, so I was like, wow. And she goes, I feel like I'm fighting for my life every day. Oh wow. I feel like I am struggling to survive. Yeah. And this was before I became a mom. And I was like, oh. And it was the first time someone really told me how sometimes it's a struggle to be a mom. We feel like we're fighting to survive. We feel like we're trying to make it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I was like, it was the first time I had a real conversation with her, it felt like. Where I was like, oh my gosh, tell me everything about that. It changed our relationship. And I've had dozens of answers with people in my life where I'm shocked to the core by their answer. And by the way, sometimes fundamentally disagree. Yeah.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Where you're like, wow. And like the goal for me is not to convince someone that their self-narrative is wrong, but it's like, whoa, that's how you see yourself. Good for me to know. Right? Like it really helps predict behavior, understand their decisions. So it's really, that's been fundamental. So that's the next big question.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So the people who were on my study abroad program, my best man at my wedding and my husband, because longtime friends, because it attracted a certain type of person. So just even being there, I was with the right kinds of people who were like me.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
For me, you know, modern family, Claire Dunphy, once she becomes a working mom, I'm I feel like that's a little bit me. I really identify with her. Her family comes first, but she's also really trying to kill it work-wise, if you've ever seen that show. What's it called? Modern Family. I know Modern Family. I've never seen it. I get overwhelmed. There's so many episodes.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
When she becomes a working mom and she's really struggling with balance. I feel like my life is actually quite light. I joke around a lot. I'm really silly with my girls. Same with her. And my family is central. But working, that's a tough balance. That is the central struggle of my life, is work-life balance. I feel like I am on a mission to help people feel less lonely and feel connected.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
But I also feel like I'm a mission to be a mom to these two girls. They don't always go together.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like not at all.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Exactly. That's so hard. And that is exactly what this character struggles with. And so that's why I'm like, in a silly way, it's silly on the show. And I try to keep it light because I don't, I don't want that to bog me down. But like, it is a fundamental struggle as her struggle in the show.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
My husband really is like very in it with me. Like he's like so with me on it. And he also is like a champion for me, like having some self care, like doing some fun things for myself. But he's like your girls, you give them everything. Like go speak on stage. You know what I mean?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So he's like really in it with me and he's like, your girls get you so much of the time because my job is lucky where I can actually only work 20 hours a week. You know, I can take many, many days off and just speak on stage and earn, you know, enough for the whole month. So I'm very lucky in that way. He's like, you got this. Your girl's got you. Go, go. Go reach all those folks. You got it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So he's really the one. He's the one who supports that. So that's mine. So I highly recommend ask that question. And don't let someone wiggle out of it. People like to wiggle out of that question a little bit. They'll be like someone really handsome or something like Matt Damon and whatever. And it's like, no, no.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I think that with friends and with, when people think about dating, I'm like, you want to create allergies for the people that you don't want. So for example, one of my friends is a vegan and I'm not a vegan, but she's a vegan. And she was going on all these like mediocre dates. And she was like, yeah, I just don't know if it's going to work. And I'm like,
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah, I was like... Let me come in for a hug. I'm a hugger. And he goes, I'm not. And I just died inside. Just like major cringe. I've also ruined an interview when someone came in for a fist bump, like I show you. Came in for a fist bump and then I just hugged. I went like that. No. I did. I'm a recovering awkward person. And sometimes I mess that up.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
About awkward people, I would love it. Wouldn't it be so fun? People would love that. I would like love to help awkward people be less awkward. It'd be so fun.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's like Queer Eye for Awkwardness. Yes.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
okay this is her pitch let's do it is there somebody listening to this that can make this netflix hello i want to know the last question last question okay so you got to work your way up to this right like i don't like if you ask the the character question too early you're going to get a silly answer so like you really like want to work your way up to that question so i just want to like put that out there okay so the last question is
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Who is your role model? So this is a question of like futurizing. Like sometimes you can assess someone's self-narrative by who they look up to. And it should be like having a deep conversation about this is really important. So like who's your role model and why? Like why are you aspiring to be this person or be like this person? You'll hear the values they say.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
The way they answer this, the way they explain things is really important. Like someone might say, oh, like I've asked this question to many people. And they'll be like, oh, you know, Elon Musk is my role model. I'll say, okay, why? And they say, oh, you know, he's just, he's made so much money and so much money and so much money. And like all things about money.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Now I might view Elon Musk differently than they do, but their answer is about money. So I say to them, ah, so to be successful, you need to be financially free. Yes. I just learned that a big piece of their freedom self-narrative is financial success and financial freedom.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Versus someone who's like, oh, Elon Musk, changing the world, investing in space, putting their money with technological advancement. Okay, different answer. Then it's all about changing the world. And they'll say, oh, do you want to change the world? If you had all the money in the world, what would you invest in? Very different. Then it's like, oh, their goal is not about financial success.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It's about changing the world with inventions or a technology. Very different things. So the why is going to tell you everything you need to know about them.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
are you, did you tell them that you're vegan? She's like, well, not to the third date. And that never goes well. And I'm like, no, you should have your dating profile. Be like, I'm a proud vegan. That way you're going to have less people that you appeal to, but you're going to find your person way, way faster. You're going to find a proud vegan.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Loved her documentary.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So good. So inspiring. Because-
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
But that's super important. Like there's no wrong answer, right? Yeah. It is so important that for success to feel confident and to feel not scared, it does require money. And like, I think that's really important.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It would be just real.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
but it is real but i but i guess like it is really cool that she like came back from being in prison and yeah like and is killing it again yes like what a badass sorry can i say that yes yes it's your podcast and so like please don't judge your answers like please don't judge your answers like for me like i am like i just want to know you right like and so if you're like i need to be a billionaire to be successful i'm like okay let's talk about that let's figure it out what's the number
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
You know, like, there is no judgment here. And so I think that, like, it's really important, like, don't self-judge your answers. Don't pick the answer you think people want to hear. And if you don't feel like you have someone to share it with, then don't share it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So like, look at your dating profile, look at your friends. Like what are the allergies of someone that you, you don't want, right? Like that's actually good to broadcast that. So you can filter, filter goes way faster to find your person.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I mean, I want to make enough money so I can give it all away and start a literacy nonprofit. That's awesome. That is my goal. I do not want to charge for what I do. I do not like it. I wish I could just do free education all the time. I wish I could give away my courses and books. I wish I had no ads. That is not why I'm here. I'm here to get the message out.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I would like to make enough money. And that's why we're working very, very hard to turn our profits into real estate and other things so that we can say, great, let's turn it into a B Corp. Let's make it all free. And then I want to work on literacy. That's so cool. Like I'm an author. It kills me that there are millions of US adults who can't read.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
like I have you're kidding yes people that can't read in our country millions of adults who cannot read millions of adults so what kills me is I have this book and I speak to a group and someone comes to me and say I wish I could buy your book but I can't read No. That is a problem I want to fix. And so that is very, very strong. I really would like to work on literacy for prisons.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It helps with recidivism. So many of our inmates cannot read. I don't understand how we cannot teach them to read. I don't understand it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Literacy is one of the easiest things we can do for recidivism. Because if you get out of prison and you can't read, how are you going to apply to a job? How are you not going to go into a job that doesn't require reading, which is not usually a good job? How are you going to fix your resume? How are you going to apply for an apartment? How are you going to educate yourself?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
How are you going to grow? So I'm just like, this is a problem we can fix. Once you teach someone to read, it's done. They read for the rest of their life.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So my goal is to actually hire is to hire experts who are experts in literacy and ask them what is the fastest way to teach someone to read?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Right. Like the way that we teach kids to read right now is for kindergartners. It's very different than adults. And so I'm like, what is the fastest way to teach an adult to read? There has to be a way. There has to be a program that teaches them to read fast. It has to be either audio or video. It has to be.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So I need to develop that program first so that we can teach someone to read in two days.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's kind of what I'm wondering.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That's why I recorded my audio books for people who are like, I only can do audio. I'm like, great. Like, let me, let me share the wisdom with you. I actually think it's either a free audio book or even like, this is like crazy, but I was like, what if I bought a radio station? No way. And I just broadcasted literacy lessons. That's sick. You know, but the problem is you need to be able to see it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah. Okay.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I think fundamentally we feel like the more people who like us, the safer we are, right? Like this goes back to like our caveman instincts. We used to survive. We had to be social. And so if everyone liked you, you were safer. They'd share food with you. They'd share their hunt with you. They'd share their fire with you. And so this remains, even though that doesn't serve us, right?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I think it could be.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I would like to start that YouTube channel. That's an awesome purpose. Like that's my purpose. It's very, you know, I don't know how long it will take me to try to do that. But like that's my goal. And so like when you talk to people about this, like you want to be financially free because it makes you feel secure so you can do good.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
That is not a bad answer. That's not a wrong answer. And I don't think wanting money is a bad thing. Like I think that like it's an important part of our existence. So I think that like we have to also listen with openness and listen with kindness to whatever the answer is going to be and not judge people for that answer.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah, I've been doing a YouTube video a week for 17 years. Wow. And I've been doing this communication research for 10. Amazing. So we're coming on a decade. And that's why this book, this next book is like... It makes me nervous because it's so much of what I care about that I got to get it right.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Yeah, read it with your partner. They're all like totally safe for families. And also my first book, Captivate, is also like a little more fun. Like if you're looking for a more fun, playful book. And I read them both. So if you're like, I'm an audio person, that's me too.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for asking the good questions.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
My pleasure.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
It doesn't serve us to have everyone like us. And also on social media, more is better.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
More likes, more follows, more hearts, more is better. And so I actually want to go back to a different kind of idea, which is like less is better. I would rather you feel very strongly about a few people than kind of OK and ambivalent about lots of people. Like it's you have to fight that caveman instinct because it actually isn't serving you.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So my eldest daughter is six and a half. She's in first grade. And friendships are already hard.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Why do I feel like that's more of a girl thing earlier on? Is it? I don't know. I have two girls. I have a two-year-old and a six-and-a-half-year-old. What is really, really hard, and this is very personal, but I had a lot of awkwardness all through school, especially in first grade. And it is my greatest wish for her not to have that.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
And so when she comes home and she's like, I don't have friends or... Taya doesn't like me. Like I, it crushes me. Cause I feel like it's maybe my fault. Like maybe I like genetically gave it to her. And so it's really hard. I don't know if I have an answer to that, but I, I know that I talked to her about friendship. Like it's a vitamin for her. I'm like,
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
the friends that you make the girls that you're hanging out with the boys that you're making friends with like these are really important for your soul they're really important for you so let's make sure that you're having fun with them so like even after a play date i'll be like was that fun did you feel like you wanted to spend more time with them did you feel like they like you do you like them like the questions i'm asking her are like does this person fulfill you versus like
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
oh, how many friends do you have? You're so popular. And so we're trying.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
For a long time I tried to hide my awkwardness. I felt like I had to impress people and I had to be cool and I would hide the fact that I felt awkward and I was social overthinking all the time. And then at one point I was like, I'm so tired of trying to pretend that I'm too cool and I'm so tired of hiding it.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Thanks, babe.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
I agree. Also, you ask yourself, do I truly like this person? You're fighting against toxic people. And toxic people will destroy your energy.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Toxic people also hide. Toxic people are not often the obvious ones, right? Like we know who's mean or who's not a good person. Those are not the people who are the most damaging. People who are the most damaging are passive aggressive people, are people who gaslight you, are people who are dream killers and they undermine your success.
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
So like, for example, if you have someone who you share good news and they ask questions that make you doubt your good news, that is not someone who's supportive of you. Wow. And that often it tricks us. So you asking yourself, do I like this person? Do I have fun with this person?
The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Relationship warning signs & how to be likable w/ body language expert (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Like we have to do that as adults because otherwise we have friendships by default and friendships by default do not serve us.