Vanessa Van Edwards
Appearances
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Second, and this is a harder one, but I think it's fun to talk about, which is I try to mirror the person that I'm sitting with physically and verbally. That is my way of showing respect. So for example, if I sit down with someone who is a really fast talker, really high energy, lots of hand gestures, I'll kind of dial up my physical energy.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I'm leaning in, I'm using more gestures, I'm using more facial expressions. On the other hand, if I'm with someone who's quite stoic, maybe more of a slow talker. Maybe they're more purposeful. They don't use a lot of gestures. I also slow myself down, slow down my gestures because we do feel like we like to be around people who are like us, who have similar communication styles.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so that's the next thing you can do is very subtly, and I wouldn't mimic them, but try to match them like a thermostat, try to get on their temperature.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so when we talk about blocking, blocking is when any barrier is between your body and mine. And typically, instinctively, this is like back from our caveman days, we don't like when someone is blocking because we feel like it's a barrier between you and me that I might not trust you. Research, this is actually more important. I want people to perceive you as open.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And definitely, definitely, this is very clear in the research, people rate folks with crossed arms as closed, distant, and closed-minded. Right? So you are going to be rated as less charismatic if you have crossed arms, even if you're cold. It doesn't matter the reason. People, they've rated videos and job interviews and on dates. We do not like barriers.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But more importantly for me, what really convinced me, because I do sometimes like to cross my arms, is you become more closed-minded. They have found that when they ask people to come up with creative ideas, but they're crossing their arms, they come up with less creative ideas. So literally, closed body equals closed mind.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When I'm in a meeting or a date or a presentation or whatever, I want to be as creative as I possibly can. I want to be big thinking. And so I know that the smaller my body is, the more blocking I have, the worse that's going to be. So open body. I like visible hands, obviously. And I also think that the more you can lean, that's another warmth cue.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So when we really like something, we want to lean closer towards it. It's actually our five senses. We want to see it, smell it, touch it, taste it. We want to do our five senses. I don't know if we want to taste each other, but we want to get closer to it. We like things and we want to get closer to them. So you want to do the same thing. If you really like someone's idea, wow, tell me more.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Lean in towards it. If you really like someone, oh my gosh, it's so good to see you, right? Leaning in towards them. It's like a nonverbal bolding of like, I like you so much. I like this idea so much. I physically want to get closer. It works on camera too, which is really nice. And also makes me feel more engaged. Like when I leaned into you, I was like, oh yeah, I do like this tip.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The biggest differentiator was gestures. The TED Talks that had the most views use an average of 465 gestures in 18 minutes. We coded all a chunk of TED Talks. The least popular view TED Talks use an average of 272 gestures in 18 minutes. What's happening is a really good speaker is making themselves easy to understand by saying if they have three ideas, they hold up three.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like it was like a trick for me even internally just now.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Research from Cornell looked at four untrustworthy behaviors, behaviors that when people see them, they immediately feel a little bit of untrust or mistrust. One of them was hands touching face. That was one of them. So research says that when someone is touching their face, we typically don't like it. But I want to add a little caveat here. There are different ways of doing this.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
For example, it can be quite pensive to hold your chin very still and think while holding. When you are rubbing your face, so rubbing your chin, biting your nails, rubbing at your eyes, totally different. Why? Liars often touch their mouth and their eyes. They also touch their nose. So lie detection research, I think these research communities were acting independently of each other.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But yes, as humans, we see someone touching their face as untrustworthy. Why? In the lie detection community, research has found that liars are literally trying to hold things in. So liars will often cover their mouth because like instinctively they're trying to like, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You might even see like if you watch Bill Clinton's testimony during the Monica Lewinsky trial, which I've coded in depth, he literally does a shush gesture to himself as he's waiting for his question that he's about to lie on. Like literally he's holding a shush gesture up. Also, we tend to mouth block is like, shh, it's going to get me in trouble. Do not say it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We also, and this also happened in the Monica Lewinsky trial, I believe Alan Hirsch is the researcher, he counted the number of times that Clinton touched his nose, and he found that it was like 8x times when he was lying versus his truthful answers. This is because there is a little bit of a Pinocchio's nose. They found that we have tissue in our nose that tingles sometimes when we feel guilt.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so they kind of like, liars will often... They feel that tingling in their nose. So they touch their nose. So we instinctively notice. And the last big one is eye blocking. When we don't want to see something like, oh, I'm embarrassed. I don't like it. We will try to cover our eyes, close our eyes because we are ashamed of it. So shame or guilt, they're very close. They're not the same thing.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We'll often cover our eyes. So I'm pretty against face touching only if it's still. You know, if you're pensively... Holding a chin pose, okay. Otherwise, I would say do not make someone think you're a liar, right? Do not accidentally do that. Oh, I should make a note. There is no Pinocchio's nose. There's no one cue that makes someone a liar. And so these are like one-off cues.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like if someone you're talking to someone and they haven't touched their nose once, but all of a sudden you're like, so what do you think of the new girl? And they're like, yeah, you know, she's great, right? that's when I would be like, why did that just happen around that weird verbal?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So you're looking for clusters of red flags when we're talking about lie detection that are signals of shame or guilt or fear.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so touching the face, touching the stomach. So rubbing or touching your torso or your stomach, again, a blocking behavior, right? Like instinctively, we know that. Wringing or rubbing hands. So knuckle cracking, wringing hands, movement around hand self-touch, which makes us nervous. Okay. And blocking behaviors, right? So like any kind of like sudden crossing or blocking.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes. And that's the problem with lie detection and why it's not a true science is it's very hard to separate anxiety from guilt. If someone's accusing you of lying, you're going to be anxious and you're going to do some of those behaviors. We're trying to self-soothe, right? For example, we rub our neck to calm ourselves down. That reminds us of being a baby when our parents rubbed us.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If they have a really big idea, they don't show that it's small. They say that it's big. In fact, if I were to say, I have a really big idea, but hold up my fingers really small, you're more likely to believe my gesture over my words. And so in this way, we have to speak to people on two levels. We have to show them what we're saying with our verbal content.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We bite our pens or our fingers as a pacifying gesture because it reminds us of sucking at the boob or a pacifier. They're all instinctive, but it's hard to know the difference between guilt and anxiety.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so there are statistical cues to deceit. These are things that liars typically do, but there's no one cue. So the way that I do lie detection, the way that I teach lie detection is I think of it as you have to know someone's baseline before you can know what they do when they lie. So we can actually do this together. I think that everyone should know their lying red flags.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Every single person on this earth has things they typically do when they lie. It is good to know what yours are. Know what yours are. So I'm going to help you figure out what those are. Are you ready? Okay. Okay. So here's what I want you to do. You can do this after the interview, okay? First, you have to figure out what your baseline is.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So I want you to turn on your camera and I want you to say your name, your age, and then I want you to say, so like on your phone or whatever, then I want you to tell me what you had for breakfast yesterday. This is how you look when you're recalling something. So Chris, just think about what you had for breakfast yesterday. Okay, so you looked up and to your right. Yes.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay. So that means that when Chris is recalling a truth, you tend to look up to your right.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Right? So, by the way, there was a huge myth back in the day that like, if you look up to the left, you're lying. If you look up to the right.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
No, people do look up when they lie, but they also look up when they're recalling, when they're remembering. So we would know that, Chris, when you're recalling a truthful thing, you tend to look up to the right and maybe down over to the side. Also, I wasn't seeing your whole body, but I don't want to know your hand gestures. I want to see your feet.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And then I would also ask, I would hear your verbal answer. Do you use ums or likes? Are you using a high voice like this? Are you using a low, low voice like this? I don't want to know where you went. So record your response to that. Code it vocally, non-verbally, verbally. What are you doing? Then what I want you to do is I want... That's your baseline. Your recalling baseline.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We also have to say, I'm going to emphasize and underline my content for you so that you can actually comprehend and outline while I'm speaking. So it's almost like we're giving pictures to our words.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Then what I want you to do is tell me your most embarrassing story. Pretend you're talking to me, right? Okay? We do these, by the way, in our lab. We have people submit these videos. And when you tell me your most embarrassing story, I want you to kind of relive it. I want you to like... Recall the humiliation that you felt during that embarrassing story.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I'm trying to get your body a little bit nervous. I'm trying to see your nervous baseline. Code it vocally, verbally, audibly. What are you doing? You'll see on our... We've done this with hundreds of participants. Movement goes up. Typically, people touch their face. They're using more gestures. Or they go really stoic. Deer in the headlights. Like, very, very still. Whites of eyes showing.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Recounting it like they wish they were dead. It tends to be either one. So record yourself... It's your nervous baseline, your nervous tells. And you should know what your nervous tells are as well, because I'll tell you what, you're probably doing them during your presentations. And you should know how to counteract them. Or like, I know what my nervous tells are.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I work very hard to keep them under wraps because I don't want to infect you with nervousness. The last one, the hardest one, I want you to make up an embarrassing story that did not happen to you. And I want you to tell it to me, the camera, trying to convince me that it's real. So pretend like this was you. It cannot be a real story.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
What we're doing, I don't want you to rehearse this ahead of time. Your body is going to leak deception tells. It's going to leak this is not true. You're going to see what you look like when you're trying to come up with a lie. Those tells are your lying tells.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Well, depends on what your goals are. My goals are to look less nervous. Those are my goals. I don't want to teach you to be a better liar, although you could do that with this. My goals really are just to make sure you're not accidentally leaking nervousness.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So many really smart people that I work with, most of my students are like super smart, high achievers off the charts, but they don't know how to present themselves well. And my number one goal is your ideas are great. Don't ruin them with nervous cues. So that's my goal is that you're identifying your nervous cues so you can kind of displace them or stop them. That is the first step for yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You also can practice this with your friends, partner, member, bring them in on it. Do it with them. you will then see your partner's nervous tells and your partner's lying tells. You will see your kid's nervous tells and your kid's lying tells. And that's when we begin to look for red flags. So there are certain cues, touching the nose, touching the face, eye blocking,
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Another really big lying red flag is people drop pronouns. This is called statement analysis. This is an email. So there's some really interesting science about lie detection in emails, which I'm working on currently. When we lie, we don't want it associated with us. Lying feels dirty. Lying feels bad. So what we do without realizing it is we drop the personal pronoun.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So instead of, I'm running late, we say, running late, sorry. Instead of saying, I didn't see your email, we say, must have gone to spam. Instead of saying, my car broke down, we say, oh, got broken down, be there in a bit. So if you see lack of pronouns, again, nothing's a definite lie.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think this is why we love emojis, right? Like we are actually quite pictorial. Like we like to have images. So, you know, if I send a text message, I'm fine. My friends are like, is she fine? I don't know. Like, that doesn't sound fine. But if I were to have a little smiley crying face, I guess I'm very millennial because I use that crying side face, you know, that shows, look, I'm fine. Ha ha.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It just, when I see that over and over again in emails or in a certain area of conversation, I'm always like, hmm, why are they using distancing language, separating themselves from the actual content? The other big lying tell that I like to share with people is the disgust microexpression.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So disgust is when we raise our nose up and we crinkle our nose, we flash the upper whites of our teeth like it. You can try it. Yeah. Disgust is when we have this a lot of activation around our nose and our upper lip. We do not make that expression lightly. Like that's a very weird thing to do with our face. And we often see it if someone smells something bad or tastes something bad.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You also see it with liars. In our research, we asked people to play two truths and a lie with us. So like tell two true statements and one lie. We found that lying makes us feel dirty, like a little bit self-disgusted. And so sometimes people will show disgust while they're talking and while they're sharing the lie. So it looks like this. I were to say, So what do you think of the new guy?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, yeah, you know, he's great. He's great. And they have the disgust showing in their face. It usually means that someone does not feel good about something, but they are afraid to share the truth. So disgust is one of the other statistical cues that you will see misaligned, like misaligned nonverbal and verbal.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Smart people often have the mistaken belief that book smarts equal people smarts. They hope that all their hard work and great ideas and brilliance and talent will translate because it's so good. The problem is what the research shows is that competence without warmth leaves us feeling suspicious. So you can have the best idea in the world.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If you don't know how to share it with warmth, likability, trust, people cannot believe it. It doesn't matter how good the idea is. The kind of famous example, I share this in my book, is Jamie Siminoff. He's a founder of Ring. He went on Shark Tank and Ring is that video doorbell company. Ring is literally a billion dollar idea. Like he went on to sell Ring for billions of dollars.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
He went on to get Shaq, Richard Branson, incredible investors. What most people don't know is he went on Shark Tank, pitched a billion dollar idea and got no deals. Like a complete failure of a pitch. Tons of pushback. They didn't believe they didn't like him. Why? He relied too much on his book smarts. He had a dialed pitch. The numbers were good. The words were good. But he looked scared.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And he also went really mute with his nonverbal cues. Muting in itself is a nonverbal cue. And smart people think, I don't need to think about all this body language stuff. I don't need to worry about my vocal power. My ideas are strong enough. So Jamie was delivering a great pitch verbally, but he looked completely mute. And so the sharks were like, I can't get a read on this guy.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, my goodness. They should be first things visible. In fact, every time you say hello, you should be, hi, I'm Vanessa. So good to see you. We love a gesture. It's funny because there's a primal part of our brain that knows that our hands are our deadliest weapons. So even though we think, we look at the face. Like when I ask people, where do you look when you first see someone?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But if I were to use I'm fine with the emoji with the circle crazy eyes, you'd be like, oh, no, she not fine. And that's because we tend to give more weight to the visual. And that is, I think, why we're speaking in more and more images as we go. Hand gestures in person. is like adding pictures to your book, which we all like.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes. And I think also we forget that highly charismatic people are a blend of both, but they also use warmth and competence like a thermostat. And so we have two goals. One is making sure that you're showcasing both verbally as well as non-verbally.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So even in my emails, we do an email audit with our students where we have them literally calculate the number of warm cues and competent cues in their emails. And Because your emails are a big part of your communication, especially nowadays we're constantly online. So one, you want to be both.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But the real charismatic people, the really good ones, if they know they're emailing a competent person, they dial up the competence. If they know they're emailing a warm person, they dial up the warm. And we can do this with very specific cues. Emojis, exclamation points, words like yay, wow, fab, and whoop. Very warm, right? It's like a little button. You can just sprinkle them in.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It's like warm, warm, warm, warm, warm, warm. Whereas competence, numbers, data, graphs, percent, words like power through, efficient, capable, master, those are all very competent cues. And so we can be in control of how people perceive us. But also, more importantly, we can also infect people with warmth and competence.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The reason why warmth and competence is important is because very charismatic people are making other people feel more charismatic. If you show up as warm and competent, you make everyone in the room more warm and competent. That's why we like highly charismatic people is we want to catch their warmth. We want to catch their competence.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if you are using warm and competent verbal cues in your emails, you are literally gifting warmth and competence to everyone gets them, which means you get better replies, faster replies, and you become more memorable. Research proves that we can produce warmth and competence with the kinds of words that we use. And that is super empowering, not only to us, but to others.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so if you want to appeal more warm, we talked about one of the cues, which is a nod, right? Immediately that slow triple nod is high in warmth. A head tilt is also very high in warmth. So when we expose our ear universally, it shows that we're trying to hear better. That's also a warmth cue. They've found that if I were to deliver bad news to you with a head tilt, it softens the blow.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like it actually feels a little bit better because I'm giving more empathy. So a slight head tilt, this also works really well in a profile picture. So if you are a highly competent leader and you're like, ah, I need to dial up my warmth, consider adding visible hands, so like not so close to the face, as well as possibly a head tilt.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The worst profile pictures, I don't know why this is all over LinkedIn, is like people have their arms crossed and they're like... leaning back and looking over their shoulder. Have you seen this on LinkedIn?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Good on you. Yes, that's great. And so if you want to be seen as warm or incompetent, one, you should angle your body towards the camera. You can consider having a head tilt. Another warmth cue obviously is a genuine smile, not a fake smile, not a half smile. A fake smile is on the bottom half of the face. And it rubs us really wrong.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if I were to have a fake smile on the bottom half of the face, it would make me seem more inauthentic. A real smile reaches all the way up into our upper cheek muscles. And that immediately activates a lot of warmth. It's also more contagious. So if you're going to smile in your profile picture, do it big. If you're not going to smile, be neutral.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So for example, something to think about is men and women have different perceptions of warmth and competence. Typically, women by default are seen as higher in warmth. Men, by default, are seen as higher in competence. This is something important to know.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so you can be a charismatic listener. I think that people, there's a myth about charisma that to be charismatic, you have to be the one talking. To be charismatic, you have to be extroverted and bubbly in the life of the party and tell great stories. That is one kind of flavor of charisma. But the other flavor of charisma is actually being an excellent listener.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So for my books, I decided to not smile on my book covers, my first two book covers, because I know that as a woman, people are already going to see me as higher in warmth. I was trying to dial up competence. So on my book cover, I'm staring right at the camera, which is also a high competence cue or a power cue.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Um, and one of them, I have a steeple, so I'm showing my hands, but I have that power pose and I'm not smiling. So you don't always have to smile, but if you wanted to let warmth, you can, um, Competent side, so a gaze, especially prolonged eye contact, or highly powerful people also tend to make gaze at the end of their sentence.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think a bad tip that sometimes people get is like, make eye contact all the time. No, that is creepy. Do not make continuous eye contact. That is weird. It's way too much pressure. We actually, when I asked you earlier, what did you have for breakfast two days ago? You looked off to the side. That is because as humans, we process away. We typically will stop making eye contact to process away.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
People always say, same, eyes or face, sometimes mouth. And that is the second place we look. But the first place we always look, especially when we're seeing someone for the first time or in a meeting or for the first interaction, is we want to see what is your intention. And so as humans, we will do anything to avoid the most awkward thing in humanity, which is, are we going to hug?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Natural. What highly competent people do is they'll often ruminate as they're thinking, they're looking off in a way, and then when they deliver their point, they deliver right at the end where they make eye contact to you. So eye contact at the end of a point or a sentence, it's like very, very powerful.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And I was doing that other stuff. Yeah. It's almost impossible to compute difficult ideas looking at someone. And that is because our body, when I'm making eye contact, we're producing oxytocin. Our body's like, ah, we're connecting with a human. We better produce oxytocin, which will make us feel trust. When we're doing that, our brain is like, don't solve math problems.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
In fact, quiet, contemplative introverts are a beaut, they're very charismatic. So while you're listening, you actually don't want to use gestures. You wanna use nonverbal warmth cues. Nonverbal warmth cues are ways you signal to the other person, wow, I am so deeply with you that I want you to keep going and tell me more, and I'm even going to partake in your warmth.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Don't try to recall that thing you had for breakfast. Don't try to sort something out. We're focusing on oxytocin. So that's why in natural conversation, people kind of peel away to process something and that feels natural. There is a myth that liars are shifty-eyed. No, no. Liars make more eye contact. And that is because they've typically verbally rehearsed. They don't have to think.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And they're watching you to see, do you believe me?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Exactly. They're literally verbatim memorizing a script, which is why it kind of creeps us out when someone doesn't break eye contact. We're like, what is going on? Do they verbally memorize this? Give me a break.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, OK. So when we did our TED talk research and we found that hand gesture finding, which was just so illuminating. Now it's like, oh, yes, smart people use lots of gestures because they understand our content. The bad TED Talkers, remember, if you're invited to give a TED Talk, you're good. You're going to be good. There's not going to be anyone bad. They're rehearsed to some extent.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The bad TED Talkers were actually so perfect, you did not believe them. They took the stage, and they sounded so scripted and so precise that it was literally hard to pay attention or distracting. The best TED Talks, if you go look at like the top 10 TED Talks of all time, they are super conversational. They almost take the stage like Brene Brown's original TED Talk.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Highly recommend to go watch just the style. She walks on stage as if she's walking into coffee with you. She shares her stories as if she's telling you like an old friend. Ken Robinson, one of the most popular TED Talks of all time, he walks on stage and he shares a little anecdote about his son. And it feels like we're just chummy chatting on the side of the road. He was prepped.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
All these TED Talkers were very prepared, but they were not scripted. And this is what's really important. I actually never, ever believe in scripting, ever. I don't believe in teleprompters. I don't like them. I only use them when I absolutely have to. I would much rather you bullet. Stories, ideas, if you're prepping for an interview or a pitch, go off of your slides.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Never over-rehearse the exact words you're going to say. Try to tap into the original emotion. Those bullets give you charismatic freedom. And that conversational tone is so much better than polished, perfect, formal, which smart people love. Smart people make the mistake, they think, oh, I should be stoic and super formal, super polished.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But actually, that makes it very hard for someone to relate to you.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Jamie Siminoff, right? He had the perfect verbal pitch. It was dialed, but they didn't believe him. They could not relate to him. I think that also like, look, this is a little bit more granola, but perfect is not real. Perfect doesn't work.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So my favorites, my favorite things to do while listening, and by the way, when you're listening just with your hands, I like to keep my hands as still as possible, but still visible. And that could even be like a steeple. You know, I love listening with the steeple. You know, when you put the tips of your fingers together in sort of a church steeple, that's a very power pose for the hands.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think people tend to think that if they have the perfect story or the perfect joke or they look perfect, then people will like them and they'll be impressive. We don't like perfect people because we know that it's not real. We actually like vulnerability. We like raw. And I think we also like people who are not trying to be impressive.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When we try to go in perfect and polished, that's what we're trying to do. I would much rather you focus on, what's a way that I can share this with genuine emotion that I actually feel? And even like a little bit of vulnerability. For many, many years, I tried to hide that I'm a recovering, awkward person. I feel very awkward with people.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That's why I do what I do, is it does not come naturally to me. Pitches and presentations do not come natural. Conversations do not come natural. And once I started sharing that, people were like, oh... This is a learned behavior. If she can learn it, maybe I can learn it. So I think like if there's something you can share that's just real, that's way better than perfect.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Ooh, vocal charisma. Okay, so one thing I didn't talk about from lie detection research is the importance of our vocal cues. So a lot of the cues in lie detection are vocal, and that is because it is very hard to lie with our vocal tone, right? Like it's hard to manipulate or change your voice.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So the reason why we're so cued in to listening to how someone is saying something is our brain is trying to figure out, are you telling the truth? Do I believe you? Do you believe you? So there's a couple of vocal cues that are really important for both truth telling, but also just powerful vocal, having a powerful vocal charisma. The very first one is using the lowest end of your natural tone.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
All of us have a range, both men and women. So right now I'm working very hard to stay in the lowest end of my natural range. This is still natural for me, but when I'm talking to my husband or my kids, you know, I'll often say, oh, hey girls, how's it going? I love you so much. But if I were to give this entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy, right?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You would not like it even though it's natural to me. So we like people who are in the lower end. Why? When I'm in the lowest end of my register, the way that I get my voice down there is one, I keep my shoulders as low as possible. I maximize distance between my earlobes and my shoulder. Second, I'm taking in a lot of oxygen.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So I'm taking in very deep breaths in this interview to keep my vocal cords nice and relaxed. I am letting you hear it now so you can hear me take them in. But normally I take them a little bit slower. When we are anxious, we hold our breath. So what happens is we go, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Yes, up here, we're holding our voice and everything is tense and we don't like it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
This should make you feel nervous when I'm talking like this. So when I speak on the out-breath, it immediately forces my vocal cords to relax. The problem is people typically do this on their very first word. So they answer the phone. Hello? Oh, how are you? Good to hear from you. Right. Hi, my name is Vanessa and I teach people science.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We do that at the very top of our breath because we're the most nervous. What I want you to make sure that you do is from the very first line is you are speaking on the out breath. A little experiment you can do with me if you want to try this is say hello, take in a deep breath and say hello at the top of your breath. So it sounds like this. Hello. Are you going to do it? Are you going to try it?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You can put them in a steeple or have them at rest. More importantly, though, is actually your head behavior when we're listening to someone. So a triple nod, a slow triple nod, it looks like this. You do it really well. They have found that the other person speaks 67% longer, right? When you do a slow triple nod, it's like the other person saying, please keep going. Tell me more.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Hello. There you go. That was your highest range. You should not sound like that. If that sounded familiar to you and you just did that out loud, that means you're speaking the highest end of your range. Now, the opposite of that is speaking on the out-breath. So I want you to hear the difference for me. So this is the highest. Hello. This is the lowest. Hello. Right?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like still me, but I sound so much better. So now try to say hello on your out-breath.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Lower, deeper. That's the voice you should be using. When I'm in a pitch or presentation, the moment I hear myself go a little higher in my register, I take a deep breath and I lower down. And you might have heard in this interview, there has been moments where I've gotten a little high and then I correct and breathe out and bring myself down. This is also where we get vocal fry.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So part one, speak in the lower end of your range. Now, please don't be Elizabeth Holmes. Don't go so low that it sounds unnatural to you. That's weird. Lowest end of your natural range. It should not feel like you're trying. Second is vocal fry. This has to do with breath and volume. The other thing that can happen when we're very nervous is we take very shallow breaths.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that shallowness makes us breathy. It also makes us lose volume. So you'll notice that people with low volume and low breath, they use like vocal fry. And so they'll be like, hey, everyone, like morning. It's like nice to hear from you. I don't know. That grating sounds, that vocal fry is like bacon on a frying pan. We do not like it because we can hear that someone is a little anxious.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We don't want to catch it. Whenever I hear someone in vocal fry or if you hear yourself going to vocal fry, speak louder. It's a trick. It will get you out of vocal fry immediately. So if I hear myself hitting that at the end, I immediately just speak a little bit louder. That volume gets rid of- It just pushes through. It pushes your voice through.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Vocal fry is just your vocal cords rubbing together like rattling. So if you're adding more volume, it just pushes them together so they make a better sound. So if someone's using it, you have them speak up.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Quite. Quite dynamic. And they've actually researched this. So dynamic volume is a power vocal cue. Now, look, I don't always teach this one because you got to get it right. And so if you're going to use this, I really want you to practice it. We love dynamic volume because it helps us with comprehension.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So for example, if I'm really excited about something, I'm like, you are not going to believe this. I'm talking at a high volume. But then when I share something a little bit personal, a little bit more private, I might go down in my volume that immediately cues you in. Wow. We're coming in closer. We're doing something a little bit more intimate.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But then I'm talking about something super exciting. Like it just cues you into the emotional state. We like it as a listener. So I would say if you can use slightly a touch higher volume when you're being authoritative, so you're giving a command, like a boundary or a deadline. When you're very excited about something, we literally tune in more to it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I think, by the way, I think there's like Netflix or YouTube, they turn up the volume on ads. Has anyone else noticed this? Because we're cued to listen to things that are louder. So if you're saying something important or you're excited about up, volume up, if you're saying something... intimate, vulnerable, personal, kind of secretive, or even like surprising, lower your volume.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
People will either lean in or it also triggers their brain to think, oh, we're saying something like a little bit softer. And that kind of excites us in a different way. So be careful, right? Like this is, a hard thing to master. I barely do it. In interviews, I find I don't do it purposefully. If I do it accidentally, I'm like, yes. It's a lot of cognitive load for me.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It's like a nonverbal dot, dot, dot. So I would recommend hands still visible at rest, occasional slow triple nod. You can even do one of my favorite cues, which is called a lower lid flex. So if you flex your lower lids at me, yeah, great.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Remember, I'm an awkward person. So I have to think a lot about my communication. I'm a social overthinker. So if any of these cues feel like too much cognitive overload, do one at a time. And that is because we can grow social muscles. So things that used to be hard for me, I practiced enough times where now I don't even think about them. So it's okay to also go cue by cue.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You know, there's 97 of them. You can go one by one if you want.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, yes. This is, I think, my mission in life is to help my fellow social overthinkers. And this is how. There is no such thing as perfect, but there is purposeful. When you are purposeful with your interactions, it takes all the overthinking out of it. If you know in a conversation you have two goals, warmth and competence,
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That directs all that social overthinking that's like negative, not helpful to you into warmth cues, competence cues. Warmth, verbal, competent, nonverbal. It actually gives your brain something to think about that's not, I'm doing bad. I sound dumb. Do they even like me? Are they mad at me?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So I want to replace all those negative internal limiting beliefs with really positive ones and purposeful ones. So warmth and competence, winning, I got this, I'm excited, great. The other thing that you can think about doing is, okay, what's my conversational intention here?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When you do this, this is across cultures, when humans flex their lower lid, it actually minimizes the amount of light that is entering into your eye, which allows you to see detail. So for example, if someone's really like squinting to try to see something, they're trying to make their vision sharper.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I know that when I'm interacting, I'm trying to find out as much about the person as possible and I have one singular goal in normal conversation. How many times can I say, me too? I know that there's a psychological effect, the similarity attraction effect. It is the most powerful effect in basic interactions, which is we like people like us.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We're, of course, attracted to sometimes our opposites. My husband is my opposite, and that's a good thing. But we like people who have similar values, similar interests. In a conversation, if I can feel and get the other person to feel, oh, yeah, me too. I also love that. We're winning. So I've taken away all those negative worries.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And all I focus on is what questions could I ask to find our similar interests? What stories could I tell to find our similar core values? How much more can I say me too? That has completely game changed the internal focus of my overthinking.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, so this is actually what got me started on my career journey 17 years ago, aging myself. So I started in 2007 and my very first YouTube video was about this in November 7, 2007, which was how do we elevate small talk to be less boring and more engaging? I am allergic to small talk. I hate it. It turns me off. It makes me like want to leave every conversation.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It wants me to be more introverted. I'm actually an ambiver in between. So we did an experiment about a decade ago where we took 500 speed networkers and I assigned them conversation starters that I hypothesized could break small talk scripts. The problem with small talk is that we're on autopilot. And this is why it goes so badly. We meet someone and we're like, so what do you do?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Where are you from?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Okay, well, it was nice meeting you. We have the same questions and we've answered them a million times before. So our brain is just dead. A part of me dies when someone asks, what do you do? That's just how I feel inside because I've answered it so many times. Okay, so I assigned how are you and what do you do? The two questions we ask and answer the most often.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Then I assigned four questions that I thought... would produce better conversation. We set up cameras in all four corners of the room. We tested volume, modeling with gestures of excitement. So more gestures, more leaning, more nods, more smiling. And then I asked each person to rate the quality of their conversation on a scale of one to five.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
In conversation, this is a way of showing, I am listening so deeply that I'm trying to see every detail. I have a theory, you know, in the name of science, I love doing research experiments in my lab. We looked at the 50th sexiest men alive people issue. And I noticed that so many of the men were showing a hardened lower lid.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
One being, that was the most awkward conversation I've ever had. I want to die inside and I could barely feel the time. Five being, that was the best conversation I've ever had. This could be my soulmate, right? Like on a scale of one to five. How are you and what do you do? Across the board, the lowest ratings. Yet we ask them all the time.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So my very first tip for small talk, do not ask, what do you do? We need to go on a small talk diet. If you ask boring questions, you will get boring answers. You have to be willing to be conversationally courageous, which means breaking the social script. No more what do you do. No more how are you. No more what's up, been busy, how's it going. No more. You're literally chewing the new boring.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Second, the highest rated question was what was the highlight of your day? Why? I was trying to think of a replacement for how are you, right? Like it's hard to like walk into the office and be like, what are your greatest dreams in life? Or like that would be deep, but people would not like it. So I'm like, what's a better replacement for how are you? What's the highlight of your day?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Or what's been good? It completely changes the autopilot. One, it disengages it. But second, it makes the other person think, oh, What has been good, good, good, good, good? And you're gifting them optimism. They are literally in their brain thinking, what's been good, good, good, good?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And they're going through all the good things in their mind, which immediately changes them to be more positive, gives you a better, more engaging answer. So what was the highlight of your day or what's good is the question that I want you to start with whenever you walk into office, hop on a call, even an email. The second two questions were almost tied for second place.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They were working on anything exciting recently, and this is a replacement for what do you do? What do you do is also asking someone, what are you worth? And I think that for people who are not defined by what they do or they're ashamed of what they do, it's actually a hard question for them. And so if you ask instead, working on anything exciting recently,
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You are giving them permission because if they love what they do, oh, they'll tell you. They will tell you. If they don't love what they do, they'll tell you something else that's great. A side hustle, a personal passion. If they don't work, they'll tell you about being a stay-at-home parent. It's a permission question and it immediately lights someone up because they're like, what's exciting?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
What's exciting? The third one was what personal passion project are you working on, which people love to talk about. And by the way, even if someone doesn't have a personal passion, they can be like, you know, I have to work on that. And then you get to share yours. You can still then share yours and have a little bit of excitement.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The fourth question, for my math folks who are counting, the fourth question almost broke my data in the sense that people either gave this question a five, they loved it, it was amazing, they made best friends, or a zero, which wasn't even an option on my scale. That's how much they hated it. Can you guess what it was?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
This question is, what's your story? Now, I wondered, because this is kind of a deeper question, I wondered what this were. Extroverts love this question. They're like, what's my story? How much time do you have? Should I start in the childhood years or college? They are thrilled to share their life story with their Uber driver, with the person on the side of the street. They love it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Introverts, you ask them this question and they're like, I have to go to the bathroom. I don't want to share this with you. And that is because it's a little bit personal. It's a little bit too deep too quickly. So I would just share the first three questions. Great. Be careful with what's your story. Only ask it if it's an extrovert.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that is because I think we find it attractive when someone is so engaged, they're trying to see us deeply. It's sort of that blue steel look. I think that that's why he did it in Zoolander. This is really helpful for two things. One, when you want to show that you're deeply listening, you can harden your lower lid. Ah, yes, I see you.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And when in doubt, I would avoid asking it until later, until you know them better.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Ah, yeah. I thought you were going to ask, do introverts have a harder time with small talk? And the answer is yes, because they use less words on an average day and they're less comfortable sharing. Introverts have a very difficult problem because they crave privacy, but they also crave connection.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so they're like, I so want to connect with people in a good way, in a deep way, but I'm also, I value my privacy. Do they have a hard time being charismatic? I think they do struggle more than extroverts. That's not based in the research, but I think that extroverts who are talkers, who thrive with people, they're at ease in social interactions, right?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The difference between an extrovert and an introvert is an extrovert gets energy from people. An introvert gets energy from being alone. An ambivert can get energy with the right people in the right situations, but needs recharge time, like needs alone time. So introverts are often set up to not be as at ease because when they're with people, their energy battery is used. They are juicing it.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They are juicing it. Now, I think that if they know what to say, they have exactly what questions to ask. They know what to do with their hands. They know what they're searching for. It becomes easier. Their battery is drained less. So they can be extremely charismatic, but it takes more work.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, this is, I think, the mission of my life is helping people feel braver because what's fascinating is we tend to overestimate our abilities in all areas when it's not correct. We tend to think we're smarter than we are. We contribute more than we contribute. The only exception to that is in conversational awkwardness.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We tend to think that we're bad at conversation when actually we're better than we think. So the first thing I would say is you might be harder on yourself than you need to be. And a lot of this can also come from our past bad experiences.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like if you struggle with social anxiety or if you had a narcissistic parent, you often misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative, which means that you have been in interactions where you think people are angry at you. You think people are disappointed or not happy, but actually because of your background, you're misinterpreting neutral as negative.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
There are times if you see it on someone else, it could mean they're deeply listening, but it also could mean that they're trying to figure something out or they're scrutinizing. So I have noticed that occasionally in negotiations or presentations, if I see someone do that lower lid flex at me, I'll say, does this all make sense? Are we all good here? Chris, do you have any questions for me?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That we, it's a cycle, right? So we, if we had a narcissistic parent, that that parent was overly critical of us and often was negative towards us. So we take that imprinting, we take it to social interactions. We see a neutral person who's like, oh, that's interesting. You do marketing. And we miss into- They hate me.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They hate me. They hate me. I'm gonna excuse myself. Bye. We don't ask for their number. We don't think that we're clicking. We think that we're doing a terrible job. We go home early. And I know this so intimately. If this is you, we are together. It took me years of coming home from parties and me saying to my husband, well, she hates me. And my husband would be like, what are you talking about?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I'm like, yeah. She was so mad at me. He's like, no, I don't think so. And it took a lot of dissecting. This is why I learned microexpressions. It's because I was like, I have to know what anger looks like so I don't misinterpret neutral as angry.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I have to know what contempt and disgust, I have to know what these look like so I know exactly when I should be seeing negativity when I'm not misinterpreting it. So one is getting very clear on the cues that are being sent to you. I think that could be extremely empowering. Learning what the negative expressions look like so you're not misinterpreting them.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Second is not everyone is going to like you. That's good. It would be exhausting and overwhelming if everyone liked you and you had to be friends with everyone. I think the moment we're okay with some people are not my people. I actually think we should be more forthright with this. I believe in creating friendship allergies. There are certain people who I get along with so well.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And there are certain people who like me. I'm allergic to. We just don't get along that well. I would rather know that sooner rather than later because I have a social battery that only is half full usually. So I now create allergies. I figure this out really quickly. One of the ones I ask is very early on in a conversation if we're connecting is I'll be like, so what's your big goal for 2025?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
This is because I am super goal-oriented. Like I love a goal. I thrive off of goals. If you tell me, oh, you know, I'm not that into goals or I just never, you know, I have all these goals and I just never achieve them, we're probably not going to get along. I'm with my friends, like I will bully you into achieving your goals. You know, like that, if you have a goal, it's my goal too.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like we're going to be in it together. And so I think like thinking about what are the questions you could ask that that are going to very quickly help you find your people actually makes you feel more confident because trying to make it work with someone who isn't your person is exhausting.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, exactly. Exactly. And we have to think about these. What are things that you just know are a deal breaker? I'll give you one of my husbands. He's going to be so mad at me when I share this, but it's true. So he really does not like horoscopes. He's just very much not into horoscopes. And so he will ask early on, so what's your sign? And he sees how into it someone is.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And if they're too into it, he's like,
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, exactly. And so whenever we're with a new couple, you know, and we're trying to be friends with this couple and someone starts talking about horoscopes, I'm like, no, it's done. We're not going to be friends. Oh, no.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Because I noticed their brain just went into a deep listening mode. And there was one time where actually I uncovered a confusion that the boss was having right in the moment, right there, that if I hadn't have clarified that, it would have messed up the entire pitch. It would have messed up the entire pitch. So look out for it as well as making sure someone's on the same page as you.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes. So this is kind of a weird one. I think that we put too much focus on looks for attractiveness. That sounds weird, right? But actually being attractive is about being physically attractive, but it's actually being physically available. We are very attracted to people who are not going to reject us.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so in dating, there's something called signal amplification bias, which means that we think that we're being over the top obvious with our attraction cues and who we're into, but actually we are biased to this. People miss most of our cues and they tend to think that people are not interested in them.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So you have to over signal availability to others and that makes you immediately more attractive. I think it was researcher Monica Moore who She looked at singles in a bar and she found that the most attractive women were often approached the least because they were signaling less availability nonverbal cues.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
women who were signaling the most nonverbal availability cues, which I'll talk about in a second, were approached the most and had the most dates and had the most follow-ups. So we've learned a couple of these already, but we love, especially in a courtship setting, darting glances. So I'm going to try and do these with the camera. Maybe they'll translate or not.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Monica Moore found this in her research study that the women, especially the women, it works for men to women too, but for women to men especially, who do very quick lingering glance. So it's like a very quick one, two, one, two, like 17 times. Like that's how many times it took for a man to approach. This is in heterosexual dating. It took 17 times for the guy to get it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So it takes way more than you think. So quick darting glances, lingering glances. I also think, this was not in the research study, but there's a very low pressure way to be attractive verbally. And it's to be very clear. If you see someone who's attractive in the gym or a hallway or All you have to do to suss it out if there's anything happening there is like a, hey, just that.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Because if they're married or not interested, they'll be like, hey. You're like, cool. Like, not my person got it. But if they're like, hey, you're in, girl. Like, you're in. This works for both men or women. Just try like a little subtle soft hey. Lowest voice tone, little lingering gaze. It is the fastest way to be like, I'm available, are you? And we got to do that more often.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like life is too short. I have so many amazing single students who are catches. They are incredible and they are single and they are lonely. And I'm like, when's the last time you said, hey? And they're like, what? I don't want to be rejected. And I'm like, would you rather be lonely? Like, we got to get some social exposure.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And this is my last tip for dealing with anxiety, which also answers your attractiveness question, is I would rather you over-signal availability, which has no repercussions. If you do darting, lingering glances and no one approaches you, okay. There's no downside to that. If you approach someone or walk by someone in the gym and you're like, hey. And they ignore you, no repercussions.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like it is totally okay. I think we have to get out there and expose it because they have found that the more that we can do social exposure to things that make us slightly anxious, they stop making us anxious. So if I'm saying this and this is making you nervous, please go do it 10 times. We got to just rip off that band-aid.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I promise you, by the 11th time, and if it's not true, you can come find me on Instagram and yell at me. By the 11th time, it will feel a little less scary. By the 12th time, you might have a date.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And I think, yes, yes, and if you've tried CBT or any of these techniques before and they haven't worked, they're gonna work this time. And let me tell you why. Sometimes CBT will give, or social exposure therapy will give you an assignment without enough tools.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And if you've struggled with social anxiety like I have, or if you're a recovering awkward person like I have, you'll do these over and over again and they still feel bad. If you have an intention, like you know what to do with your hands, you know what question you're gonna ask, you know exactly how you're gonna say hey, you know you're gonna do flirting, darting, lingering glances,
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That takes on the anxiety because it gives you something to do with it. So if it hasn't worked in the past, it will work now because now you're going to have very specific tools you're going to use that are going to get you out of that overthinking.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So again, I'm going to say, you don't want to appeal to everyone. So many of my friends who do online dating, by the way, I've been married for 15 years together with my husband for 18 years. So it's been a minute. So just caveat all my dating advice where it's been a minute. Thank you so much for having me.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like I have a friend who loves dogs and she didn't have any pictures of dogs in her profile. And I was like, no, you want to attract a dog guy. Like you want to attract a guy who loves dogs. Have a dog in every one of your profile pictures. Like you need to be featuring your dog because you don't want to have someone who's like, I'm allergic to dogs. I don't really like dogs.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Are we going to handshake? Are we going to high five? Are you withholding anything? And so part of our brain is always just looking to see if you're going to handshake, high five. And on Zoom, it's even more confusing because our brain knows that we should see hands, but when it can't, it worries.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I don't like when they sleep in our bed. Like that's a very specific and small one. But if you have values, you want to state them as clearly as possible up front so you're getting better dates from the very start. The second thing is, Try to ask level two questions on your dates. The other thing that can happen on these dates is you're talking, but you're not really connecting.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So you're on a date and you're like checking things off. I know I've had a couple amazing experiences where I've got to observe some speed dates and everyone nowadays has like checklists, you know, like people have like things in their mind that they want. And so basically I can hear them doing their checklists in their heads. They're like, do you travel much? Oh yeah, I love travel. Check.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
You know, I don't jump up and down. I try to change my chemical cocktail. So internally, I know that my emotions are contagious. We like certain speakers because they bring confidence to the stage and we love to be around winners. We love winners. We want to catch their winning attitude. So I know that before I head a stage, before I lead a meeting, I want to have my winning cocktail going.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So like, what do you do for fun on the weekends? Oh yeah, also does yoga, also does running, also goes to the gym, also, great, check. So like, what shows are you watching these days? Oh great, we have the same humor. What kind of music do you listen to? Like, I can literally hear them doing those. And those things are okay, but it's going to limit you in terms of depth.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Those are not very deep questions. And so then you'll end up being on seven dates and feel like you don't really know that person. I would much rather you go to level two. So level one, when we talk about connection, is general traits. Basic interests, job, where you're from, like your general facts. Level two is goals, motivations, worries, fears, personality traits.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
These are the questions that I want you asking, even on date number one. I want you going there, not in the first few minutes, you got to hit some of those level one questions, but like as quickly as possible. So this is, what are you learning right now? What is your biggest goal right now? What keeps you up at night? What excites you? Where do you see yourself in five years?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Those kinds of questions are getting to values or getting to motivations. And that's where we actually begin to find alignment, especially with personality. Like, is this person as extroverted as you? Like, I would literally ask them or have them listen to this podcast and be like, where's your social battery? Like, are you an introvert or extrovert?
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Like, how much socializing do you like to do in a week? That is so important for your relationship, much more than music tastes.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
There are some. There are some differences and actually not as many as you would think. Like even the big five personality traits, which is a really robust science, has very little gender differences. But there are some and they're typically how we communicate. So, for example, women love what are called vocalizations.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
On a date, a woman thinks that a date is going well and also is more attracted to the person she's with. I believe this is both in heterosexual and homosexual relationships. The more they are saying, oh, mm, uh-huh, wow, oh... That's called a vocalization. And they love doing them as well as hearing them.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So men, if you would like to be more appealing, the more vocalization you can give the other, the woman that you're with, the more she's going to feel like, wow, like we're resonating. We got this. We're literally in the same wavelength. I'll even hear like really good relationships, like old marriages. They like on the same wavelength. So like the woman will be like, don't you think?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They're like literally syncing up their vocalization. So try to give more vocalizations. That's for women. Men are okay with not having any vocalizations at all. They don't need that at all. That's like the biggest one. The other ones have to do with warmth and competence. that women tend to come across and feel they should be warmer.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So they tend to laugh more, giggle more, self-touch more, right? Like they'll self-touch their hair, their earrings. They also use different cues to be attractive. So women to be attractive will touch their lips. They'll touch their suprasternal notch, like the notch in between their two collarbones.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They will stroke their hair to show the health of their hair, which shows that they can bear children. Men will typically... Try to showcase the squareness of their jaw. So like they might do one of these things like or like they'll rub their face to like shit at. They also want their pheromones out there. So they might like even like rub this or try to get like their armpit pheromones out.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I want to have a lot of testosterone. This is for both men and women. I want to have as much dopamine as possible because dopamine also serves me. So just very, I'm going down to the bare basics here. Testosterone does a lot of things in our body, but for performance purposes, for presentations, it makes me think more clearly and It makes me more eloquent. It makes me have less dry mouth.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Um, because they know that could, that signaling high testosterone. Um, but that's a little bit different between homosexual and heterosexual, but the way that we are attractive is, is a little bit different. Availability is good for everyone, but some of those smaller cues are a little bit different.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Right. Right. And I think like asking like all the kinds of nonverbal permission are also great as well. Like, for example, in this culture that we're in right now, it's like a very odd place to be. Touching used to be a thing that people did when they were flirting. Right. This used to be a thing that we did where like a man and woman was attracted.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And so you would sort of lean out and touch their arm. You touch their lower back. Well, now it's like, you know, I don't want to touch too quickly. So what you can do instead is you can reach out as if you're about to touch and then let the woman go the other way. So like, you can like, I call it a hover touch. Like, right. So you can like, it's hard to do it on myself.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
But like, if you were, if you would normally to flirt with a woman, like reach out and touch her hand or touch her back, you could reach out and not actually touch her and see if she leans into the touch or is receptive to the touch. So there's also things that we can do to have like that slow.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Well, I'm probably not the person to ask on compliment economics because while I know I shouldn't need compliments, compliments make me feel good and therefore I really want compliments. So I think that we should actually compliment like a skill and take a compliment like a skill. What I mean by this is don't compliment the tall guy on being tall.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Do not compliment someone on something that they already know is a thing for them. I often hear, I'm with VIPs, and someone will compliment the VIP on the thing that they work really hard on. They're like, yeah, yeah, I know. You're better off complimenting someone on something that they're working really hard on, but they haven't quite perfected. Right.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if there's something that they're working on, they haven't quite perfected and you're like seeing the progress, complimenting on progress is one of the best things you can do. We love progress as human beings. So complimenting more specific things that they're working on. And the second thing is we should be good at receiving compliments.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And I've had to work on this where like if someone compliments you, like, oh my gosh, that is so kind. And then don't say it back. This is like the worst when someone's like, oh my gosh, you look so pretty. And then someone's like, oh, you look pretty too.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yeah, no one believes that. So if you get a compliment, just say, thank you so much. That's so kind. Just that. Don't apologize for it. Don't say that they're wrong. And for heaven's sakes, don't fake compliment them back. Just take it.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It makes me have more stamina. Dopamine, it's the chemical of pleasure. It makes us feel good. But the reason I like dopamine is actually because it gives us motivation. They found that if they can gift dopamine in an interaction, people are more likely to open up, more likely to answer questions, more likely to work hard. So I'm trying to stimulate that for myself, dopamine, testosterone.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And also, like, we hate feeling wrong. So if someone compliments you and you'd argue with them... No, I'm not.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, and here's how I want you to think about it. We love a lot of things as humans, but two things we really love. One, feeling really smart about... Second, giving advice. So if you say to someone, my gosh, I have been loving how much you're doing on YouTube. It's incredible, your videos. And I say, oh, no, no, I didn't do any of it. My team did all of it. They're like, oh, I feel stupid.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
That is the worst thing for someone to feel. The second thing is, can you double down and be like, oh, my gosh, what did you like about it? Tell me everything. You've just doubled up on the compliment. Not only have you accepted what they've given and made them feel smart, now you're actually going to ask them for advice, which really puts them in the position of expert.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So when someone compliments me on something like that, especially like if someone compliments me on my book, I'll be like, Oh my gosh, what was like the biggest takeaway? Like, what did you love the most? I'm trying, I'm writing my next book. I'm trying to figure out the nuggets that stuck with people. And they're like, well, let me tell you. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Um, the thing about the lying. I really like the thing about the lying. I mean, like, I'd rather know. Like, are you going to fake compliment me or real compliment me? So yes, the other hidden objective of that is also, is this real? I'm not going to sniff test this. Are you bullshitting me?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh, my goodness. Well, I read my audio books. So if you like audio, I do Cues and Captivate. They're both on Audible. And then I'm at scienceofpeople.com if you want tips every Monday.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Bye.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If I'm anxious, like if I'm very nervous, maybe a little bit of serotonin to try to calm myself down. Okay, so what are the things that immediately trigger those very quickly in my pre-success routine? The first one is music. So there are certain songs, especially for me, everyone has their own. I have like a pump-up playlist.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They're songs that specifically remind me of times I've won or just give me that, oh, like this is such a pleasure to listen to. So I'm listening to the right kind of music. Second, I am very purposeful with the verbal cues I use before I do anything. And there was a study that changed my perspective on this.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So what they did is they brought participants into their lab and they gave them intelligence tests, like basic intelligence tasks. They split them up into two different groups. The first group took the intelligence task and they read a set of very sterile directions, the kind of directions we read all the time. So please complete the following tests to the best of your ability.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The second group, they wondered if they sprinkled in what are called achievement-oriented words, words like success, win, master, achieve, could they actually change the participant's behavior? So they sprinkled in three or four of these words. So try to win the following answers to the best of your ability. If you achieve success, they just very sprinkled them into the direction.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Everyone who took and read the win-oriented directions performed better on the task, but more importantly, spent double the amount of time on average working on the task and enjoyed the task more. I want that before I hit a stage. I want to actually enjoy my time on stage so that I have a lot of energy. I want to work at it and I get the gift of feeling like a winner.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that is because part of our brain and our amygdala begins to fire when we can't see someone's hands, especially when we're trying to understand them. And so the best thing you can do is have your hands visible. That helps with trust. And the second, if you want to get fancy, is to actually have them be explanatory, which we can talk about if you want to.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Once our body feels like a winner, our brain acts like it. So I'm trying to do all those things. So I'm using a lot of win words. Like I literally like have a win routine or a pump up routine. I listen to that playlist. I also try to laugh. Like even before our interview, I watch my favorite comedian to just like get me laughing, get me open. Laughing opens up your body. It opens up your face.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
It makes you breathe more. It lowers my vocal register, which for women is especially important. But for both men and women, that's like magic when you're presenting.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, so yes, I actually think that chitchat backstage is really important. I was just talking about this with another speaker and he said to me, oh, I'm really in my head before and I don't want to talk to anyone. I said, actually, like I try to make really positive small talk with everyone. And if someone says like, oh, are you nervous? No, I'm excited.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I literally will try to reframe any butterflies that I feel, any tremors that I have. This is excitement. This is not nervousness. Nervousness and excitement feel very similar in the body. They do very similar things. So I am telling my brain, I'm excited. You're excited. I'm excited. I'm excited to share. I'm excited to teach.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
When I'm talking backstage, I'll be like, what are you most excited about? What speaker did you like the best? What do you think is the people's biggest goal today? I'm using words like goal, win, achieve, success, excited. A really great study. I love a study, if you'll forgive me, but I think this is just so good. This was by Alison Woodbrooks at Harvard.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
She made students, poor students, sing Don't Stop Believing into a karaoke machine that rated them for accuracy, like accuracy of singing. These students had no singing background. One group, they just sung. Control group. The second group, she had them say out loud, no matter how they felt, I'm nervous. Then sing.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And the last group had to say, I'm excited, no matter how they actually felt, and sing. The group that said, I'm excited, had the most accurate singing. Over 80% accuracy in their singing, even though they had no trained singers, the control group was next. I think the, the I'm nervous group sung with under 60% accuracy. In other words, you can have a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
If you're about to go up and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. You are going to make yourself think like a loser. You're going to have more cortisol. You're going to have more adrenaline and those things don't serve you. So you are better reframing as like, I am excited. Like this is my moment. I'm going to win.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So really, really good speakers. They know their content so well that they can speak to you with two different modes. They can speak to you with their words, but they can also use their gestures to emphasize, underline, and outline. So the best TED Talks, you know, I love TED Talks. And my team and I analyze thousands of hours of TED Talks looking for patterns.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Yes, exactly.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And, you know, a little power posing is always good, right? The reason I like laughing is because it kind of broadens your body. I also sometimes see people pacing backstage. You know, I do a lot of events and I see other speakers sometimes and they're like, they're hovered over their notes, right? They're like hunched over their notes.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They're looking at their little tiny phone and they're like practicing in like this very small, tight, contracted way. And they get on stage every single time. Whenever I see somebody that they get on stage from this very contracted position and they always either start with vocal fry. So... Hi, good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Because they've actually contracted their vocal power. They have less breath. It's their first word. They lose all their vocal charisma, like really right off the bat. Or they start with the question inflection. Hi, my name is Vanessa. So happy to be here. And today we're going to talk about growth and
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
And that is because they were literally in, and I don't say this without some backing, a loser position. Researchers from the University of British Columbia studied winning athletes and losing athletes. This is across Olympic trials, so around the world. Losing athletes contract... When they lose a race, they tilt their head down. They roll their shoulders in.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
They take up as little space as possible. That restricts their oxygen. That lowers their testosterone. It literally makes them feel worse. Whereas winners take up as much space as possible, right? They're super broad. They tilt their head up. So laughing is a sort of comfortable way for me to go into winner body language.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I do think it would be a little weird if I was like stomping around backstage, you know, like Rocky. I could do it, but I think it would also create a little bit of weirdness. So if you can broaden your body, that's why I think Tony Robbins jumps. He's actually trying to get all that adrenaline out, but testosterone in that winning kind of open, big spatial take up.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So if you can take up space to like, you know, a chair with armrests, big, broad couch, all my chairs in my office, you can't see it right now. They all have armrests. Whenever I have someone, a client come over, they're always sitting in big, broad chairs. That really does affect that feedback in our body.
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#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Man, did she, she got in trouble. She got in trouble. Yes, she had some cystic. She's said that she's replicated it now. And I really respect Amy Cuddy's work. There is some truth to power posing because we know that winners do it. So we know that winners across gendered cultures and races, when they feel pride, they take up space. This is an innate response in humans. Does it work backwards?
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
We think so. We think that we can take the pose of a winner and then kind of change those chemicals. Is it the fastest way? Maybe not. Is it the only way? Maybe not. But there is more and more science to prove that, yes, it's true. And she's been working on replicating it ever since her mishap.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
Oh my goodness. Okay, so remember that when you're seated, you can still look very, very confident and powerful. The biggest thing you can do when you're seated from a nonverbal, should we talk nonverbal or verbal or both? Both. Okay. We'll do nonverbal because we were just talking about it. One is you want to angle your torso towards the person you're speaking with, especially your camera.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
The biggest mistake that I see on Zoom is someone has their camera here, but their screen is angled off. So while they're typing and taking notes, their entire body and their face is actually angled somewhere else, and they just glance over at the camera. Horrible. It is almost impossible to feel like you have a really good connection with someone when you are not physically aligned with them.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
I didn't understand why everyone who gives a TED Talk is good, right? You're not invited to give a TED Talk if you're not good. And I wondered why do some go viral, like millions and millions of views, and others, by relatively unknown people, they get thousands. And we looked for all these variables, gender and color and smiling. We clocked the amount of time they smiled.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So when I'm on the same nonverbal page as you, our toes, our torso, our head are angled towards each other. We literally feel like we're on the same page. Like physically, we feel like we're on the same page.
Modern Wisdom
#917 - Vanessa Van Edwards - The Art Of Effortless Confidence & Social Persuasion
So wherever you're seated, I like like a swivel chair, you know, or if I'm at a restaurant with someone and they put us kind of kitty corner, I will like angle my chair so that I'm angled more towards them. So one, try to get on the physical same page.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Mm-hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Why?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Mm-hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Leading Body Language & Behaviour Expert: Manipulation Tricks The Military Use! 5 Signs Someone Is Lying To You! This Is Making You Less Likeable - Chase Hughes
Mm-hmm.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
A lot of people do this on dates, and it drives me crazy. Look, watch this.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So this is a universal get ready cue. If you are about to share something really, really good to your team, you want to go like this. Guys, I got something good today. Okay. You would like it. You would like it if we were in a team meeting.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? It's a universal cue of warming up.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
A really bad first impression?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so bad is taking up as little space as possible.
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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? No space between our arms and our torso. No space between our shoulders and our earlobes. The second thing is hidden hands. So hands in pockets, hand to the table, hands not in shot. We like to see hands, especially right away. It makes us feel in tension, right? We know what's going to happen. So I'm like, hi, good to see you. I put my hands, a lot of my hands are in my profile pictures.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's a bad one is hidden hands. And the last one is avoidant gaze. We really do like to make eye contact within the first few seconds of meeting someone. It makes us feel like someone's avoiding that oxytocin. It gives us a chemical burst of trust. They even, you know, how you'll do nose spray is full of oxytocin and it immediately makes them share more, open more, connect more. Yeah.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So we want direct eye contact, visible hands, and a broad body. I call it the triple threat, by the way.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's the triple threat.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so first easiest one is you're always angled towards me. I'm so grateful that you don't have us angled at a V. So many podcasts I do are like that, and it is very hard to connect with someone when they're like that. So you're already laying the groundwork of being aligned. In your office right now, if you work in an office, move your chairs so they're not at an angle towards you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
They're right at you. That's already going to set you up for success because I know we're on the same page even if you're looking at something else. Then you want to think about 60% eye contact. It's very specific. In Western cultures, they find that the ideal, the sweet spot for oxytocin is 60 to 70%. Some East Asian cultures, it's less eye contact, so that's okay.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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But if you can hit that 60%, that's not 100%. Especially when I'm making an important point, like you'll often be doing notes and you'll look up at me when I'm making an important point. That's all I need to know I got this. Keep going. And then really powerful people make eye contact at the end of their point. So you could be talking like this, explaining this, remembering something.
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But let me tell you, at the very end of my point, that's when it matters.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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And I think you actually do that pretty naturally. I don't know if you realize you're doing it. But if you're in a meeting or presenting or you're an interviewer, that's actually what matters more is that at the end of your sentence, you're sealing it with that eye contact.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Yes, and that actually is good. It shows me that you're processing. We know as humans that I cannot do complex math problems while making eye contact.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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We can't do it. And so actually it makes you look very thoughtful and pensive for the 40% you're not looking at me when you're gathering. That actually – leaders do that because they're showing I'm authentically coming up with the answer. It would be very weird if you were delivering 100% with 100% eye contact because I would feel like it was scripted.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's one of the reasons why I think presenters make this problem. And whenever I watch like Shark Tank or Dragon's Den, a big mistake they make is they're so rehearsed, they don't break eye contact. And it gives you sort of a robotic feeling. So if you're practicing a presentation, you actually want to have a little bit of like ad lib in there.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
You want to be processing around because it shows you're authentically grabbing the information and that shows competence. Right. Right? Highly competent people, they don't need a script because they know their stuff so well. They can just grab it out for you. They can think on the spot. Low competent people are memorized.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That is why like the TED Talks that we like the best, the pictures we like the best, they're basically having a really smart conversation with you and you like it. So I like that you're gathering away from me, that you're thinking of a question. The worst interviews I have is where someone is just beating me with questions and not thinking about it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so gestures, eye contact. It's okay to make only 60% eye contact. That's the triple threat. The other thing in a first impression that I really like is breaking the script, right? I think in a first impression, it's okay to be like, hey, good morning.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But when we do the how are you, good, how are you, good, how are you, good, how are you, and you get like that horrible like loop, I'm going to challenge everyone to try to break the script with how are you. So when someone asks how are you, don't say good. Don't say busy but good. Try to answer with like a little bit of humor if you can.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Now, I'm not funny, so we should take this advice with a grain of salt. You are funny. But I'm not that funny. But there's a couple things you can do. So one is you can answer with a number. So like, you laughed. I didn't even do it yet and you already laughed.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Most people say seven. I was going to say seven.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? So if you're like, someone's like, how are you? And you're like, seven on a 10 scale. Right? Like it just, it breaks the script a little bit. I also love when you say what you're wrestling with. So I might be like, just been fighting my inbox all day, but a good 10 out of 10.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like, sometimes it's good to give, like, a little bit of context of, like, what you've been dealing with for the day. Or if you know that you look a mess, you can be like, better on the inside than the outside.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Right? Like, something that just gets people thinking a little bit, it kind of breaks the script and it makes for a very nice first impression.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And break the script.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Break the script. So like, I'd rather you take a little bit of a risk and have some conversational courage to not do the script, right? Because then you're going to make a way better first impression. And that also means not asking, how are you? But instead being like, what's good? It's like when I start a conversation, like anytime, I try never to ask, how are you? I try to say, what's good?
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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Anything good today? It's a very subtle, subtle change on that. And it makes people think for a second in a good way. Oh, yeah, what's good? And it totally changes the nature of the conversation.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I like that one a lot. I would prefer, what have you been looking forward to? Are you looking forward to anything in your life?
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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yeah, it's juicing excitement. So like I think our job, if you want to really be a master communicator, is you are gifting good chemicals. You know that phrase like lead people better than you found them?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I take that quite literally. I think master communicators are literally gifting beautiful chemicals to the other person. They're making people feel super full of dopamine. Dopamine is like very simplified. Excitement, motivation, energy. They're gifting testosterone. You feel capable. You feel smart. Wow, you're good at what you do. And you leave feeling like, I'm so good.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
This is for men and women. You're gifting serotonin, calm, belonging. You got this. You can be yourself with me. I give you permission to be yourself. I love you for who you are. I think one of the reasons why people often verbal vomit on me, like they tell me everything about their lives. I think it's because I'm like trying to gift them serotonin.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I want them to feel like they can be absolutely themselves and I accept them for exactly who they are. So serotonin, dopamine, and testosterone, if we can gift those out, I call it like the chemical cocktail. Like that's the cocktail I want to give to everyone in my conversation and that's what master communicators are doing.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Thank you for having me back.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so you break the script by just waking me up, right? Like, this is going to be different. Then you ask, what have you been looking forward to? Like, if you ask me what's been front of mind, I'm going to probably give you a negative answer, to be quite honest with you. Do you usually get negative answers to that question?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Oh my gosh, your folks are so kind. Can I just say, since the last interview, the incredible people have reached out and just been supportive and kind. They ask amazing questions and so I'm just so grateful. So I've been really good.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yeah, and I would argue like you would be more engaged if you got an exciting answer even in this setting. So you're bored. They're bored. So one, if you're like looking forward to anything, got any fun plans coming up, those are all like gifting little bits of dopamine. Then capitalizing on any moment that I call it a me too moment. I have this theory. It's called thread theory.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And it's this idea that in conversation – Mm. Mm. Like chemically. And that makes me feel serotonin. It makes me feel calm, belonging. I can be myself. So anytime in a conversation that someone says anything that you agree with or you feel like I have that too, you want to capitalize and be like, thread, me too. How do you stop it?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so there's a big difference between how you said it and how I said it. Okay, so I say, I just got a Cybertruck. Oh yeah, join the club.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
You're so demure.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I would have liked it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I like weird people.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so if you've made a good first impression, you are set up for success. It's great. If you're making a second impression because you weren't sure how the last one went, right? Or you want to kind of build on it further, your best bet is to show them how much they were on your mind, right? And everyone's number one worry in this world is, did I leave an impression? Am I memorable?
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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
That's what we want to know. So the very first thing you want to assure them is, oh, I loved our last meeting. I've been looking so forward to this lunch. Right? So can you assure them that you're so happy to see them, talk to them, hear from them, say anything on the phone? Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you called.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like that warmth of you were right to call, you were right to text, you were right to show up, right? Like if someone texts me, of course, like not if I'm texting someone all day long, but if someone texts me and I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you texted. I will literally say that. I was just thinking of you, right? Like, oh, I'm so glad you reached out. I always love our conversations.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like that immediate you're good here is serotonin. That's that belonging feeling of like you're already safe. You're letting someone be themselves right off the bat.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Yes. Okay, so first can we talk about just like dating apps? Yes, sure. Okay, so they've actually done research on this. You are better off opening with a unique word or phrase than just hi, hello, how are you? So like howdy. If you're in Texas, even if you're not in Texas, howdy, aloha. What's good? Anything that's not that hi or hello is a little bit different. It's going to make you stand out.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I'm a recovering awkward person, and I help other awkward folks learn how to communicate. I have books and courses, and I love helping very, very smart people share their ideas better.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Hey? Nope. You're defeating the spirit of the study here.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Like not a hey, not a hi, not a what's up, not a how are you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
But like can you have like a signature phrase or like a… Bingo.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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I would take it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Bingo. I'm in your inbox. They studied this and they found that there's so much noise. There's so much noise that if you can be the red apple. So this is a story. I used to be a camp counselor when I was younger. That's how I made money. And I noticed this phenomenon during break where I would bring always a basket of fruit for break. And usually it was all red apples or all green apples.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
And I noticed if I had a basket of green apples and one red apple, every single camper had to have that red apple. But I would ask them, do you like the red apple better? And they'd be like, no, I just want that one because it's the only one. And I've never forgotten that in that I think that really special people, master communicators, are the red apple. They're not oranges.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
They're still fitting in with everyone, but they're just like a little bit different. And that's, I think, how it should be both in business and also in romance is can you be a red apple where you're still the same? You're not like wacko crazy, but you're like a little different than everyone else. So like a bingo.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
or a howdy, or an aloha, or a shalom, or whatever it is, I think that it makes you stand out just enough where you have that kind of peak effect. The peak effect is like you peaked someone's curiosity a little bit, and that that really works. That's why marketing campaigns that are a little different, they always work better.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Oh, all of it. All of it. Slack, text, email, online, in person, on the phone. We can talk about vocal power, video power. You are communicating all the time, even if you don't realize it. And that's the hidden opportunity.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so in Zoom and professional environments, please turn your camera on. Yep. please turn your camera on. This sounds obvious, but more and more people are turning their camera off, especially if you have back-to-back meetings. But if you can have your camera on just for the first few seconds, it is a game changer for people's perception of you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So one is make sure that you are not accidentally negative. Here's how this happens. Can you see me? Can you hear me? Oh, oh, hi. A lot of Zoom impressions happen where someone is caught off guard or they're in the middle of like, can you see me? Can you hear me? And they're fixing themselves. And then they make a first impression. No, your first impression already happened.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
It happened the moment your camera turned on. Remember your first impression on video happens the moment someone first sees you, not when you start talking. So your first impression is usually, hey, morning.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I always, I always give a wave or a hi. I make sure my camera is at least three feet away from my nose. Like I literally have measuring tape to make sure I'm not too close. I make sure that my body is angled towards the camera. And then usually I have a question ready. And here's why.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
In person, it's so much easier to make conversations, especially around context or like, oh, you know, how was it easy getting here? I loved your cyber truck. Very hard on Zoom. And so what happens is you get on and you go, hi, hi, hi. Weather good where you are? It's like, it's so awkward. Be ready. Be ready with an anecdote or a question. I like an anecdote.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So if you've done anything good, interesting, seen anything good or interesting, I want you to be ready to share it. It sounds like this. hey, morning. Oh my gosh, I just discovered the best breakfast taco in Austin. Best breakfast taco in Austin. Have you ever had a breakfast taco? Whatever. But like I was ready to go with that anecdote.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
I think that that's how we should pre-start all of our radio calls is like some small anecdote or story. And that also helps in conversation. Like I believe everyone should have a story toolbox. So in conversation, there are certain topics that will always come up. Weather, traffic, and where you're from. So here's my challenge. This is what master communicators do.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Whenever those three topics come up, I want you to have one story about each of them. It could be a trivia, it could be a story, it could be a fact, that you're ready to go to shift the conversation away from boring weather to something really interesting. When someone asks, where are you from? You should say, oh, I'm from Los Angeles. Interesting fact, interesting story.
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That little interesting story, like someone the other day said to me, oh, I'm from this place, maybe Liverpool. Liverpool. And he said, oh, it's where Banksy's from. And I was like, oh, and we had a whole conversation about Banksy. And I was like, that was it. He said where he was from, but instead of being Liverpool, I'd be like, cool, never been there.
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He was like, Liverpool, it's supposedly where Banksy's from. I was like, really? But don't we, do we even know who Banksy is? And he's like, well, we don't know, but he could have been in my high school. We had a whole fun conversation about Banksy. And I asked him afterwards, I was like, do you always share that comment? He's like, yeah, because it creates the most interesting conversation.
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So when you say where you're from, have an interesting fact or interesting story, I read a book about traffic, literally to have interesting stories about traffic. Like, for example, in Los Angeles, everyone says the 101. the five, the 10. That's the only place in the world where we say that. So sometimes I'll even, like someone will be like, oh, traffic.
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It will get you everything you want. You want a better relationship? You want a soulmate? You want a raise? You want a promotion? You want a business? You want more friends? You want a support system? It will even get you longevity. That's how strong I feel about it.
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And I'll be like, oh, so are you a the person? Do you say the? And we get in a whole conversation about. So like I have little things that create a little bit of juice and I'm always rotating them out. So in your phone, create a note called story toolbox and have the topics that typically come up in your conversation and start saving little stories for them.
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I'm constantly adding that story toolbox and I'm rotating out my facts and trivia because I get bored.
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No, if we were doing regular Zoom calls, you would know that I'm probably going to ask you what's good and you'd probably be pre-thinking about what's good in your life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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If you have incredible relationships and you're able to communicate your ideas so people like you and they listen, your life changes.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Look, there are certain people born out the womb charismatic. Great hand gestures, great eyebrows right out the womb. There are those very unique people. But most of us learn charisma. Most really, really charismatic leaders, they've learned, ah... This nonverbal cue gets people to smile. Oh, with this vocal power, people pay attention and lean in.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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And they've accidentally or purposefully learned how to hone their charisma. And the good news is I think anyone can learn it. Anyone, no matter how awkward you are. Believe me, I'm proof. You can learn it.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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I'm a recovering awkward person. I was so awkward. I had a really hard time communicating with people. I was not well-liked. I had very few friends. If I can learn it, anyone can learn it.
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I promise. You know, also, awkwardness dresses up in different ways, right? So I think most people, when they think of awkward, they think of that stereotypical, robotic, unreadable, saying weird things. That was not my brand of awkward. My brand of awkward was trying to be impressive when I clearly wasn't, telling funny stories that were not funny, talking too much. Shocker. Right?
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She was physically attracted to him, and I asked her, would you like to go out with him again? And she said to me... Really? Yeah, yeah. And now we are missing opportunities for connection. The thing that's going to make us healthy, happy, and live a long time.
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Yes, then it would be like, let's have some wins. Like, what's good, right? You're trying to have efficiency and productivity and trust and collaboration. If you want to have a collaborative meeting, literally in your calendar, call it collaboration meeting. If you want to say, hi, team, every time you say team, you're priming for team, right? So those words really matter.
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Yeah.
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Okay, so do you hear she's using vocal fry? When you use closed body language, it affects your voice. So vocal fry is when you're, like, I love going out and I kind of love... Right. So she started to go into a little bit of vocal fry here, which is not attractive. We do not like vocal fry.
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I think she's doing it because she's so closed. It's very hard to get good vocal power when you're that closed. Right. So you can hear it here.
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It was saying the wrong things and over-communicating. I also had that Labrador energy, you know, like that golden retriever energy where I'm like…
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But I... It's because she didn't immediately be like, yeah.
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No, I got a little angry after this date. Tell him you'd love to go out.
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I was real mad after this date because I asked her, are you attracted to him? Yes. Did you like him? Yes. Did you have fun? Yes. Would you like to go out with him again? I'm real busy. I was like, girl, we handed this guy to you on a silver platter. He's fun, you're attracted to him, and you're too busy. Busyness is not a mark of success. Busyness is going to prevent you from finding your person.
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And this is a problem we have. We're so busy with our self-care rituals and our workouts and our work that we are missing opportunities for connection. And connection is the thing that's going to make us healthy, happy, and live a long time. We have to stop saying we're too busy to connect with good people.
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I literally think she thought she was too busy. And I was like, get your priorities straight. And so this is not even if you're looking for your person. I also see this with friendships. Friends where we put our friendships last. But actually, if we were having a hard moment or a health crisis, who do you want? Your support system and your friends.
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Yeah. I'm like super into people. And that was awkward because people would be like, back up. It's okay. And that was awkward because it created, I was so over eager. I so wanted people to like me that I feel like, you know, I was leaning into everyone all the time. And that created awkwardness for people because I was trying so hard.
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We have to start prioritizing the connections in our life, especially with good people. And so it made me angry because I thought, this could be a great person for you.
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Married. Babies.
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Yeah. And I said, after, after the mics were off, I was like, go get him. Girl, go get him. And they did. And they sat in the bar and they chatted for the entire hour and they walked out together.
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By the way, let's get some DAOC babies. Let's get some babies. I will be an officiant at the wedding. We can do it together.
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Too many choices. Yeah, so jam study.
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Yeah, yeah. You have 20 jams on a table. People will pick none because there's just too many. When there's only three, people buy more.
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Very simple.
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Okay, so too many choices is one. But I also think, like, we are so accidentally, we become so obsessed with our morning routine, our evening routine, our rituals, our self-care. Self-care wasn't even a thing that we talked about when I was on social media 10 years ago. So what happens is I see rigidity.
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There's a new rigidity happening for both men and women, but a lot of women too, where, oh, I can't go on that date because I have to do my morning routine. I can't do that thing because I have to get my workout in. And I think that we are putting our connections in last place. When actually, if we want to know what's really good for our health and our longevity, it's our relationships.
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We get the most of the good chemicals of the good, happy laughs and the endorphins with other people. And we keep putting it last.
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Yeah.
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Yes. Yes, I also think our checklists are getting in the way.
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So many single people I know, they'll tell me they have a list. They have a list of things that they really want. When I met my husband, I did not have a list, but there was just a connection there. And even though we're very different on paper, it just worked. And so I think that when people have a checklist, it actually blinds them to seeing a connection right in front of their face.
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And she said to me, I don't know if this is on camera or not, so hopefully it's okay if I share it, but she's like, you know, I just, I don't know if he's as career-oriented as I was like. That's really important to me. And I knew that was on her list. On her list, on her internal list, career is right up top. Now, they didn't even talk about career.
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So I said, well, do you, did you even know what he does? Well, no.
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That's it. And it didn't check the list. And so what can happen on these dates is they become very conversationally transactional. What do you do? Check. Where are you from? Don't know. Check.
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So these checklists, I think, are creating a lot of rigidity. And then you add in the busyness trap, which is I'm so successful, I'm so busy. Busy is not a mark of success.
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I don't know if that's ambivalence. I think that is... Numbness. Like, people have gotten really attractive. I don't know if you've noticed this. Yeah, they have. My goodness, people are so pretty. Like, I'm on Instagram and I'm like, how does everyone look so good? Like, I didn't really know anyone with an eight pack when I went to school. Like, did you? No, because that wasn't really a thing.
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I'm like old, right? Like no one had that. There was no social media. So like people had like, you know, normal looks. Now people are extremely attractive. And so I think that the bar has gone up so that we're all like numb to how beautiful people are, how funny people are, how kind people are because we've been on a thousand dates.
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Or the funniest, best thing they ever did is on their Instagram and we saw it. So anything else is like, eh.
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seen it like nothing is impressive anymore like i there's two challenges i recommend for people who are in like kind of a funk like if you're in like a you're burnt out or you're feeling lonely or you're like things are not working there's two challenges you could consider the first one is really hard it's the no mirror challenge it's you go 30 days without looking in a mirror
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Something really crazy happens when you cannot see yourself and see how good you look and see what you look like. And it's especially powerful for women. I did it for 30 days. And I went, you have to do all your normal things. You have to go to meetings. You have to go out without looking in a mirror, which means usually you don't wear makeup. You don't do your hair.
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You kind of just go out as you are. First, you realize that people still like you. even if you don't look perfect. So no mirror challenge can give you a lot of confidence and also can show you where your true relationships, your true friends are.
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The second challenge is a social media or an online blackout challenge, which is if you don't have any dopamine from your phone, you have to go get dopamine and oxytocin from in-person relationships. So if you have a blackout where you cannot go on any social media or have any kind of interactions on your phone and you have to go out in person, you actually do.
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Yeah, but a lot of us, I think, have casual friends. We have, like, you know, acquaintances, people, they know what we do, but then we don't know how to level up. Like, I believe that everyone should have core friendship values. Mine are, for me personally, respect. Meaning they don't show up late. They respect my time. Self-honesty. I actually like honesty, but I prefer self-honesty in a friend.
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Like I remember when I used to travel for work and I'd get to a city and there was nothing to do. Like there was no phone in my hotel. I did not have an iPad. You could read a book or you could try to go out. And that's what I would do. I would like get to a city and I'd be like, well, I have nothing to do in the hotel room. There's literally nothing to do. I had my book.
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I could go to the hotel bar. I could go walk around the city. And I met more people in that time of my life than I do now, even though I'm connected to more people than ever.
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Dopamine and also the energy flip wouldn't be so massive. The energy that you're using on your computer is very much output, right? Like you're putting your energy into your machine to create content of some kind. When you go out, it's a feedback. It's back and forth. Having your brain switch from one to the next is very jarring.
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And if you already get dopamine from your screen, what's the motivation for going out in person? There's only downsides.
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Yeah, why would you go out? You're already having the best conversations you can do, and you're in control. And look, I don't know, just saying, I think you like control.
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The reason I bring up the control thing is if you are on social media, you are in complete control. You decide how often you scroll. You decide where you click. You decide when you're done with something, you just exit their video. Well, you know, in conversation, if I don't like your answer, I can't go off. I can't turn your volume down. I can't double click on your like.
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I actually have to sit and listen to you. And I think that, you know, if you're in control of your conversations, and even like at this table, you are in control. Like I'm talking a lot, but like you can interrupt me anytime you want, and I will answer whatever question you ask me. And so I wonder, don't be mad at me, if in real conversation, like, I could ask you anything that I want.
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Like, right now, I have a thousand questions for you, but I'm trying to not ask them of you.
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Well, I asked you the one about control, but you didn't really answer. You tossed it back to me. You don't think you're a control freak?
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Okay, thank you.
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Am I? Yeah.
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He was already laughing. Thank you, Jack.
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Yeah. So I think, look, I don't know, but my guess would be why you don't want to go out with people is because you have to give up control and you have to be in a conversation where you might be asked something that might be boring or you don't like it. And like, why? Why?
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I don't love a networking event, but I've found that if I have a very specific goal, it's better. So for example, I'm researching my next book. I'm looking for conversational case studies. So I'm going to the event and I'm like, okay, tonight I'm going to try a new question and see how it goes. you know, I'm then, I'm like, okay, I have a purpose.
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I had friendships that didn't work for a long time because they lied to themselves about things. And I'm not a liar, so I would be like, but he's terrible to you. And they'd be like, what? No, he's not. Self-deception doesn't work for me. If that's a core friendship value, you cannot do it. Do you know what I'm saying?
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Or if I'm like, I'm going to practice some new jokes. Or if I'm like, I'm looking from a new, you know, business inspiration. Like that helps me. So I think no one really likes networking events, but if you have a goal, it makes it a little bit better.
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Oh, this is my favorite topic. As a leader, especially if you're trying to meet people and new people especially, what do you do needs to be I am a who helps leader. A lot of leaders struggle with building the right connections. And so they'll be very either like intellectual with their answer or very vague. So like I've heard business leaders say, oh, you know, I run a tech company.
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That is a dream killer for a conversation. People don't know what to do with that. So what you're better off saying is I have a tech company and we help aspiring cooks.
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I love Tim. So Tim is my person, okay? Tim is my person. Let me tell you about Tim. So Tim is a code monkey slash software engineer, which we'll watch that video in a second. He is highly technical. He's very kind. He loves what he does. And on the date, he was actually the only person of the four speed daters who showed warmth the entire time. And I didn't know.
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Self-honesty, specifically. And the last one is depth. So once I started going deep, I realized I need that. I cannot have a surface-level friend. Like, I want to know how is your marriage, but how is it really? Like, I want to go really, really deep. And if I sense that there's any kind of hesitation there, we're not going to be friends.
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I even said to Jack, I was like, I think he's into her. And I asked him afterwards, I said, are you into her? And he said, no. And I was very impressed with him because he still showed warmth, congeniality, and kindness, even though he wasn't physically into her. And I was like, this is magic. I also think that Tim came across as a little bit nervous and a little bit awkward.
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And I was like, ooh, Tim, if we could just dial up your confidence and add that to your warmth, you are going to find your person. And so I love Tim. We can watch his interaction.
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Okay, you're going to have a great date. First, can I help you out with some advice? Yeah. Okay, so ignore the cameras completely. Okay. You're making great eye contact, which I love. She's probably going to ask you, what do you do? Okay. What is your answer to that question?
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Okay, cool. So anytime I meet a software engineer, it's a good answer, but it's a conversational dead end. Yeah. Because unless I'm a software engineer, I don't know what to say. So I'm like... So what I want you to do is actually create a hook. So you're going to say, so what kind of coding do you do?
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Don't even know what that is. You have to think of a hook to give me so that you don't have this. What do you do? Software engineer. What do you do? Teacher, because we have to have it. We can't you can't say I'm a software engineer. Do you like art? Yeah, we can't do that. Right. How long have you been doing it? How about that?
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So do you lead a team?
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But you love your team. Okay. So I think that that could be your hook. So I think you could say like, I'm a code monkey, AKA software engineer. Um, the best part of my job is playing with code all day, but also like hanging out with my team. Yes. Then you're giving me a lot of hooks that I can then say next. Any body language questions for me? Your body language looks great.
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You're making eye contact. I love your visible hands. You already watched my Steven interview.
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Okay. Yeah. Perfect. So I think it's great. Mutual laughing is really good too. It's like, that's great. If you're ever nervous, just, just laugh. Okay. It's going to go really well. Okay. You got this. Okay, so this is exactly what happens with highly competent folks is they have an answer to the question that's just the answer. That's not how good conversation works.
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Master communicators make it very easy for people to ask a follow-up question or to get hooked in. So whatever your answer is as a leader, you want to give people enough hook to be able to be like, oh, I want to know more about that. Software engineer didn't do that for Tim. Now, her response to this question is terrible. Terrible. Did you see what happened in the date?
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Oh my goodness.
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Cheers.
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So I think it's important to think about, yes, hobbies, great. Like you want to do activities with these people. But what are your core friendship values?
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It's a bit, it's demeaning. Yeah. And also people, people don't know what it is really.
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Oh no. And so, so, so she says, oh no. So first of all, I said to her afterwards, why did you do that? If you disagree with someone, you can disagree with them, but then give them something else. So she was basically like, oh no. And then he's like, yeah, I love what I do.
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I think you're right. He came up with a better answer. And this is the takeaway for leaders, is what question are you asked all the time? I know people in business are asked the same questions all the time, either networking or in their business pitches. I always think this when I watch Dragon's Den or Shark Tank. It's like you knew this question was coming.
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You want to have a really, really good answer. And so making sure that you're ready for the answer and the more stories you can use, the better. That's why I'm like I want you to start that note in your phone of all the stories of all the different topics that come up is it's so important to have good answers with those questions that you know are coming your way.
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Okay. Think about all the things that drive you crazy about your current friends. Okay? Okay?
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Yeah. I'm the CEO of a media company. So you want to start with clarity. So what is it exactly you do? I don't like people who have like these crazy weird metaphors for like… Right. Right. So tell them what you do. I'm the CEO of a media company. And, you know, we work with amazing clients like… So tell me who's the best client you worked for, the most interesting client you worked for.
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What's the most interesting project you worked for? Like tell me that story or tell me how you moonlight. So if your job is boring, be like, oh, you know, I'm a CEO of a media company, but I garden on my free time. Like give me the side hustle so I can say, oh, what kind of media? Or tell me about the gardening.
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So give an interesting story about who it is you work for or give me a side hustle that's really interesting or a passion.
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Humans need reasons. When there is a reason, even if it's a silly reason, it helps us feel more motivated. So it was a very, very silly study that was done that looked at this, where they had people go up to a copy machine in a library and And ask, can I make copies? Now, everyone who's in the line for the copy machine has to make copies.
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Think about friendships that didn't work out, that had a lot of potential, but, like, they fizzled. You never quite had a good time with them. Or friends that you get together with them all the time, but they still wouldn't be a best friend.
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They found that people who went up to the line to cut the line and said, excuse me, can I make some copies? They got rejected. They were like, no, dude. Get in the back of the line. We're all making copies. But if someone said, excuse me, can I make copies? I really have to copy this.
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like with a reason, people were more likely to let them cut, even though it was exactly the same thing as the first thing. The point of the study was to show that if you have a because, even if it's a silly because, people are more likely to do things for you. I don't love this idea, but I think the important point for us is you want to know your why.
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That's why I said, tell people who you help. So if you're a CEO of a media company, who you help is your most interesting client. Or if you're a life coach, don't just say, I'm a life coach or I'm a consultant. I'm a life coach. I help women who really want to get their nutrition under control. Then I know who you work for. That's your why. And that gives someone a reason.
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Or, you know, I'd really love to work with you. I think that I could really, really change your nutritional outlook and put you in more control of your nutrition. That because even though it's implied, even though I already heard it, it hooks someone in to go, ah, if they have a why, I can buy into that why. And I don't think he did a very good job on that.
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However, he was very warm with her, even though he wasn't into it. I thought that was very respectful.
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Exactly. This is why I'm doing what I'm doing. The number one thing that is causing loneliness is we are withholding our liking, both with friends and in romance. With all of these daters, none of them, 0%, showed any kind of obvious liking. How are we going to have babies? How are we going to have marriages if we're withholding our liking?
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How are we going to have friends if we don't know if someone likes us? I think we should be going around showing, amplifying our likes to the people that we're with.
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Okay. So verbally, I think it's very easy, right? You can be very direct and be like, oh my gosh, this is so much fun. So like my magic phrases, right? If someone is interesting, funny, likable, fun, say in that moment, oh, this is so fun. This is so interesting. Being with you is always so interesting.
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So that's one way you can do it is affirming the adjective that you're already feeling and saying it out loud. I think that Kendrick was very funny. And I actually said to him in our pre-interview, I was like, oh, you're really funny. That must be a double-edged sword.
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Like what is blocking? What is missing there? And it could be on either side, right? It's like not all just up to them. So think about what drives you crazy. And then like what makes you feel healed? What makes you feel good? What makes you feel calm? What makes you feel like yourself?
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The first guy, yeah. I said, you're really funny. And that made him feel really good. He was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I am. And I was like, I think that's good, but also probably it's harder to get depth. He's like, yes, that's true. So if someone is funny, interesting, delightful, a good conversationalist, tell them. That's the first thing. Don't withhold that.
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Never. Never.
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Yes.
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Like, we like people who like us. So the more obvious you are with your liking actually just makes you more likable. So affirming them, making sure that they know that you were thinking of them. So like, I was just thinking of you. I was so looking forward to this. I've been looking forward to this all day. And then nonverbal liking. So for men, vocalizations, hmm, ah, oh, hmm. We love those.
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We love a triple nod. We love a head tilt. We love a lean. All of those. See? Oh, you know, there was something funny that I read recently, which is, Women list humor as a number one trait they want in a man. Men don't care as much about humor in a woman. They want a woman who laughs at their jokes.
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Which I thought this was so good and so helpful that for a man, yes, it's good if you can work on being funny because women do like it. But if you're a woman, you actually don't have to be that funny. You just have to be willing to laugh. And that brings me back to liking humor.
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Being an easy laugher, like being ready to laugh, is one of the most likable complimentary things you can do for someone else. That was good. Thank you. Is this real or not real? We like it. I like it. That's a very believable laugh. It was good. Sometimes people will withhold their laughing or they'll be like, oh, that's funny. Right?
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So being an easy laugher is also like the fastest way to tell someone, I like you. When we laugh, we are absolutely showing we like someone. So nonverbal and verbal liking is like very important.
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Yes. And it's being the best passenger ever. If you're not a joke teller, the joke teller is the driver, right, in a conversation. They're telling funny stories. They're telling funny anecdotes. They're very funny. They're driving. Well, drivers need passengers to laugh at their jokes. So you are going to be the best passenger ever. You're going to laugh at the joke.
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Give me an example of that.
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You're going to bang on the table. I love table bangers. You know, I have people in my life who are not very funny, but they love to bang on the table when I tell a funny joke, and that makes me feel so good. They don't need to be funny. I'm happy to try.
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So if you're not funny, just be very good at hyping up other funny people. You also could be a curator of funny. You find the best funny GIFs. You find the best funny clips. You share the best funny posts. Like you don't have to be funny to be a curator of funny. Like I have a friend who's not that funny, but he has the best clips and memes that he sends me.
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And so I think of him as funny even though he's never told a joke.
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Totally, but it's associated with him.
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But isn't that funny?
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Yeah, please don't name him.
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He literally sends not funny gifs.
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But, like, doesn't it make you kind of laugh? Don't you love them for it?
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Okay, if that was them, if that was me, if I'm like, I'm not that funny, I can learn to be funny.
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I think I have. Like I think I've learned to be a little bit funny with like my sense of humor. I think take an improv class. Like really, really take an improv class. A lot of humor is just trying things and seeing if they land. So if you're not funny and you want to be and like something to go to work on, take an improv class and work on being funny on stage.
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I also think you can study funny people and see how they make their jokes. Like… And you can have the same jokes. For example, I have a friend who whenever he's over at our house and I say, babe, to my husband, he goes, yes. And it's always funny. It's always funny. It's the only joke he really makes, but I love it.
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And so I think that you can also have like sort of jokes that you've figured out that you just use over and over again.
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Yes, I love touch, but you have to be a little bit careful with it because if you do it inauthentically or awkwardly, it's like a total fail and looks terribly, horribly wrong. I love a high five. Like, I love like, oh my gosh, that was great. Yes. Oh my gosh, we're both into that. Like, I love like, you're making a funny face.
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What?
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No, I think people would like it.
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I think I have high-fived Jemima.
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Yeah. Okay. So, all right. Find your thing. You have a flavor. Yeah. Right? Everyone has a flavor. Your flavor is not high-fiving, but it's probably something else, like a dry sense of humor. In fact, they did a study where they looked at warriors and not warriors, like neurotics and not neurotics. Neurotics are known for making self-deprecating jokes, and we like it about them.
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Like they're constantly making fun of themselves and we like it. Whereas low neurotics, people who are not warriors, who are like really confident. They love to make jokes about other things but never about themselves. So like everyone has like their flavor and that's good. You've got to find it. And you should study people who are like you, right?
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Like there has to be – like I love to watch like those talk shows like, you know, Jimmy Kimmel or whatever. And I pay attention to the interviews that have more than one laugh every 30 seconds. So my goal in a keynote, like I give a lot of keynotes for organizations, I try to have a laugh every minute. If I can. I think that if you have a laugh every minute, you're considered funny.
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Oh my gosh. Well, at least 400,000 students who I can count, but millions more.
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And that actually opens up the brain to more learning. So on interviews, I pay attention to who are the interviews, what are the interviews where they're getting a laugh every 30 seconds, 30 to 60 seconds. And I'm paying attention to how are they doing it. And that is how I've learned to be funny.
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Like, for example, like a really easy one for humor I've learned is like if you have like one, two, three things and the third thing is weird, people almost always laugh. So if you're like, oh, you know, Texas is great. It's the land of tacos, cowboy hats, and hot girls. Like if you make the third thing a weird one, people kind of like, ha, like they think it's funny.
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And so like you can begin to play with those things if you learn. But I've noticed that as a pattern just like anecdotally by watching people. So I think that you could find someone who's like you. Like you should find a British smart guy. Who's a British smart guy who's funny?
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Jack's smart. Jack. And just like see what kind of jokes they're making. I bet you those jokes will work for you too.
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For sure. It's like it networks. I also think there was a study that was done about like charisma. We're talking about master communicators, especially leaders. I work with a lot of leaders. And what I tell them is you can actually channel your role model that will completely change your body language.
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They asked presenters to present on stage a little one-minute presentation, which, by the way, very hard to do if you're not a presenter. So they had them give a little presentation on stage. And they took them off and they said, okay, now we want you to channel Steve Jobs and give another presentation. And don't tell anyone what you're doing, but just in your mind, just channel him.
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And it's actually probably way more than that, but that's just what we can count.
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When they got on stage, they were more charismatic. They used more vocal variety. They used more hand gestures. They were more confident. They spent almost double the amount of time on stage and they liked it more. simply by channeling Steve Jobs. So I share this because I think you don't necessarily have to be funny or charismatic on your own.
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But if you're channeling the most funny person you know, or the most charismatic person you know, it can transform your vocal and nonverbal cues to be more like that person.
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I have some that are not my favorites, but you haven't asked them yet.
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This is what got me into this work. It was actually microexpressions. So there are many people, especially if you have narcissists in your life, who misinterpret neutral expressions as negative. So one of the problems I had early on that caused me to be awkward is I thought everyone hated me. I thought everyone was angry at me.
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So I'd misinterpret the expression, I would think they hate me, which made me even more awkward. It was a very bad cycle. So one of the first things I discovered with this work where I was like, why doesn't everyone know this? I was 20 years old and I stumbled upon
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This idea that some of our expressions are universal, that across cultures and genders and races, we make the same facial expressions for the same emotions. Now, there's some controversy about microexpressions and how universal they are, but there are seven that we've found have a lot of universal applications, and I would love to teach you those seven. Please. Okay. Okay.
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Let's actually start with fear. So fear is a universal response. And when we make this face, it helps keep us safe. It's when we widen our eyes so our eyelids, our upper whites show. We raise our eyebrows up and we usually open our mouth. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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They want to be master communicators.
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They want to be able to ask for what they want and get it. If you are a master communicator, no matter what you want, again, if it's a partner or a business deal, you can get it if you can communicate well.
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The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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For sure.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Let's do it.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know, an eye roll can be sort of silly. But like, contempt, no matter the context, is not good. Right? Like if someone is like, I don't think so. You know, they feel better then. That's never a good thing. And I really could be like, oh, you're being so silly. Right?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Our first impressions are actually very accurate. They find 76% accurate with our personality traits. In other words, people can accurately guess after a first impression how extroverted you are how agreeable, how neurotic. Actually, neurotic is the hardest one to guess. We can hide that really well. Openness and conscientiousness. We're pretty good at guessing that.
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I can guess that based on just the first few seconds of interaction, which means they're lasting. So if you've made a bad first impression, It's hard to recover. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. We can work on it. But nailing that first impression will set you up for a lifetime of success with that person. So it's very important that we don't throw them away.
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So like contempt is the one expression where, one, you don't want to accidentally show it in your profile picture. So never show an asymmetrical smile. And two, if someone is showing you contempt, you have some rapport building to work on. Now, you don't know what that contempt is. It could be about you. It could be about the relationship. It even could be about self-contempt.
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And this is the number one mistake people make in a first impression. They do it like this. Oh, hi, nice to meet you. Looking down at their phone or their iPad or their computer or their notepad or their book. When we are looking down, it looks very much like the universal defeat posture. Universal defeat is when we tuck our chin to our chest.
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But you want to immediately be like, what is going on? What are you feeling? What's going through your mind? What questions do you have for me? To make sure you're addressing whatever the reason for that contempt is so it doesn't fester.
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They've actually researched this, and every person on planet Earth has these five personality traits, and they fall on a spectrum, high, medium, or low. and they're somewhere between 42% to 57% heritable. For example, neuroticism, which is how you worry. And high neurotics, like me, produce less serotonin more slowly. Serotonin makes us feel calm.
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The only way, the only way is shared experience. Talking more usually doesn't get it. Like you can talk more. But if you have shared experiences where you're building oxytocin or you're building adrenaline, you're doing something new together that scares you both a little bit, It creates all kinds of chemical connections and bonds.
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And that's why sometimes when people go on like a couple's retreat or a big couple's trip, it resets them. It really resets them chemically. If you are showing contempt, you might disrespect that person. You have to go into shared activities where you can build respect back.
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You can kind of change your personality. That's probably not the answer that you want. But they've actually researched this. And when you look at personality, it's composed of five main traits. known as ocean, openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Every person on the planet Earth has these five traits, and they fall on a spectrum, high, medium, or low.
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These traits are somewhat heritable, somewhat genetic. So there is a portion of our genetics we cannot change. For example, personality traits are somewhere between 42% to 57% heritable, meaning some of it is just literally our genes expressing themselves. But that still gives us quite a bit of wiggle room.
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What I like to focus on is if you are low on the spectrum in, let's say, neuroticism, which is how you worry, you cannot become – well, low, you cannot become highly neurotic. It's too big of a swing. But you could probably dial up to medium if you wanted to, or if you were high, you could probably dial down to medium. So you have, let's say, 30% to 40% potential for change.
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So if you want to change your mindset, your goals, your personality, you have about 30% to 40%, I think, freedom to grow or change in a way that you want to if you're purposeful.
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Yes. Okay, so openness. Openness is how curious you are, how open to new experiences you are, how creative you are. I think it's why you're willing to have new people in this setting, is you like having new questions. Highly open people are extremely curious. Okay. The opposite is low open. Low open folks love habit, tradition, routine.
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Yeah, control is not about openness, right? Like you're willing to move around the world. You're willing to meet a lot of new people. Low open people want everything to be the same. They don't want to travel. They don't want to experience new things.
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And the reason for this is actually they found that highly open people have a certain form of gene called DRD4, which means that when they experience something new, they get an extra load of dopamine. That is why extremely high open people are adrenaline junkies. They seek really new experiences all the time because they want that dopamine hit.
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We usually have our very little space between our shoulders and our earlobes. We have our arms close to our sides. This, yeah, don't you feel kind of horrible? You look horrible. Oh, thank you. When you check your phone, every time you check your phone, you accidentally look like a loser. And I mean that literally in terms of losing and winning.
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They actually get more dopamine when they try new things. Low open people have less dopamine for new experiences. So they're like, why would I go travel when I have my perfect setup right here? I think what's really important about personality is there is no bad. There is no wrong. We want diversity of personality because our high opens, they explore. They're the ones trying all the new things.
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Our low opens honor our traditions and our rituals.
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Very important. If I were dating right now, I would probably make the dater take a personality test so we could see if we're matched. I would literally, I put up this test for free. So I have a personality test. It is up for free. I think every single person should take it, know your own personality, and also know your best friend's personality, your partner's personality.
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Okay, so I know what matches really well together. A high open and a low open are going to have trouble.
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Yes. So let's talk about this very practically. I know very quickly. So yes, you can have, hopefully, have people take the test and then look at the results. Like you can actually screenshot it and look. If you're not sure, ask someone, what do you usually do for lunch? A high open will be like, oh, I love trying new places. The new thing, they always order the special every time.
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A low open person wants to go to the same restaurant with the same waiter, order the same meal, and they would never try the special. Why risk it? Very different approach to the same thing. So in a relationship, every single meal they're going to have a problem. Like it's really easy if you have the same level of approach to experiences.
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Entrepreneurs, as a leader, leaders, very good leaders, are typically higher in openness. So it tracks for you that you're high and open because you're willing to try new things. You're willing to risk it for the biscuit. You're willing to say, okay, I'm going to risk this new idea to see if it's going to work.
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I know. And that's because you're driven towards more high dopamine. However, high open entrepreneurs have shiny object syndrome where they are constantly chasing new ideas. No. And it doesn't always work.
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Okay. I'm joking. You do it, right? Yes, exactly. And that can be very distracting. So if you are working with a high open leader, you are probably extremely frustrated. They keep wanting to try new projects.
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They are going to pressure you, but they're going to keep you in check.
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Right? Like you should never have your CFO as a high open person. True.
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Right? So like the best people, like diversity of hiring is so important in personality. The mistake I see in corporate, because I do personality trainings for corporate, is managers hire their same personality. And they're all having the same problems. They can never have follow through. And that brings me to conscientiousness.
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So in a first impression, you're waiting in the waiting room for a big job interview. You're waiting for your date, for possibly your perfect person. And what are you doing? Checking your phone.
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Conscientiousness is where I think opposites attract. This is where I think that works. Conscientiousness is your approach to detail. So it's high conscientious people love, like I'm high conscientious. I love alphabetizing. I love color coding. Office supplies make me so happy. I love Post-it notes and files. I like purses with 15 different compartments. Am I losing you?
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Okay, I've lost you.
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Because you're medium open. I mean, sorry, you're medium conscientious.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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Right, because you're medium.
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Right, and also you're not doing all the details.
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Right, you have a team doing the really difficult details of the research or the editing because you can do it, but you're not super, super conscientious. I'm super, super high conscientious, so I love the details. I have a color-coded calendar for my family, for example. I'm the only one who looks at it.
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So highly successful people typically are more conscientious. And this is what we have to remember is they've studied this. Two low conscientious people in a marriage have more financial problems.
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So unfortunately, this is one where high conscientiousness can help you a lot in marriage, with finances, in business. But medium is okay. So if you're low, you can work on dialing up your conscientiousness with tools, right? with training, with habits books. That's why habits books are always on the bestseller list.
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It's because all the low-conscientious, immediate-conscientious people in the world know, ooh, if I want to be successful, I just have to get more habits. By the way, on the first date with Ashley and Kendrick, Ashley said that she had a spreadsheet for how she spends her days. And he was like, whoa, a spreadsheet. And she showed in that answer that she was super high conscientious.
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That is really good to know in a new relationship is someone's high or low conscientious. A high conscientious person, they will never be late, but they get very mad if you're late. So it's really good to know the conscientiousness of your team and of your partner so you can better predict their behavior.
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Yeah. That first impression that happens in the first few seconds of seeing you, and this is another mistake introverts make, they think their first impression starts the moment they start talking.
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Yes, I think that they're actively studying this now. I think neurodivergence, neurodiversity, there is personality trends with that. I don't know exactly what they are yet, but I know that they're looking at how does the neurodivergent community deal with conscientiousness or openness. I know that also, for example, neurodivergent folks have a different chemical response to even eye contact.
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So like I talk about eye contact a lot, but I have to be very aware for my neurodivergent community, eye contact is harder for them. And that is because when they're connecting, they want to be processing and thinking. So it's much harder, more distracting for them if they're making eye contact.
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So there's a lot of ways in which they are having a different response to an interaction or a connection. Okay, extroversion. So this is the one that, this is the cool kid, I call it, the cool kid of personality, is that everyone talks about extroverts and introverts. But actually, ambiverts are much more interesting to me. And most people are ambiverts.
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They fall somewhere in between extrovert and introvert. Introverts get energy from being alone. Extroverts get energy from being with others. Ambiverts can dial up into extrovert energy, but they need a lot of recharge time. Like I slept like 11 hours last night in preparation for this interview, right?
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Like I knew that it was going to be a lot of intense like interaction time, so I wanted like a lot of flat laying in bed time because I'm ambivert leaning towards introvert, right? I get energy from the right people, but I can't do a lot of socializing.
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Your first impression happens the moment someone first sees you. That's when they walk into a room, open the door, walk into a restaurant, or look at your profile picture. Profile pictures are even more important. They've found that people make a first impression of you within the first hundred milliseconds of looking at your profile picture.
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It would be this, but weirder. Like I'm like a weird person at home, but it would be totally like this, but bigger because at home I'm really comfortable. Like I'm a silly mom. Like with my girls, like I'm dressing like a dinosaur. I'm doing dance routines. Like I'm very silly at home. He would probably say bigger if you were to ask him. Bigger. Yeah, like more animated. You're more animated.
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Oh my gosh. Do you think I'm that animated? I thought you were pretty animated. Oh my gosh. I'm even more animated probably at home. Really? Yeah, because I'm even more comfortable.
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I'm putting on plays with my girls. I'll do the whole Frozen soundtrack. I wouldn't do that for you here, but at home I would.
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A billion. Okay. No one will be with us if we do a billion episodes. Okay, so extroversion is important. Now, this happened on the date as well. He said, I'm a super extrovert. And she said, oh, I don't go out that much. This can also be an issue in a relationship. If someone is super extroverted, they need lots of people time versus someone who is very introverted. They don't want the people time.
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That is constant tension in a relationship. You also have roles in a company where I'll notice – that people will hire for a role where the role requires extroverting. For example, if you're in sales, you cannot be introverted. It's very hard to be introverted because you're having a cold call. You'll have to schmooze and build rapport. You have to enjoy those networking events.
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So it's important to factor in what is the ideal personality for this role. So for example, I have roles in my company where I actually don't want an extrovert. Like I don't want to chit chat. I don't want you socializing. Like I want you to be super high conscientious and really direct. We've had this where I've had a role where I had to let someone go because she wanted to chat too much.
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And I was like, I can't. I can't chat. I don't have capacity to chat. I just, like, let's work right side by side, but don't talk to me. Kind of not really. Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Where, like, I knew that our team wasn't extroverted enough for her. And so you want to really be careful about hiring a role for your personality. So extroverts. Interesting.
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By the way, the best leaders are high extroverts. They found this.
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Two stars out of three. Middle. Makes sense. Like, I think that if you were out schmoozing more, it might help your business. But might not. It might be distracting to you.
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That's so fast that you barely even realize you saw a picture. But we are so attuned to look at someone's facial expressions, their body posture, what's visible, our clothing, our ornaments. And what's fascinating about this research is they found that different pictures of the same person can give different first impressions. which means we are in control of our first impressions.
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But that's what the research says.
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Hmm.
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And we could dial that up for you, but you couldn't completely change. We could dial up your extroversion, but it would take a lot of energy. That's the thing is we can change anything we want, but you probably can only change it 30% to 40%. It's going to take a lot of energy. And yet the question is, do you want to do that? Okay, agreeableness. Agreeableness is the hardest one to get.
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The agreeableness is your approach to teamwork. Highly agreeable people want everyone to like them and typically say yes to everything. They're agreeable. So the problem with agreeable people on a team is you ask them for something and they're like, oh, sure, yes.
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But they shouldn't say yes.
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And that is because they so want to be liked and they so struggle with people pleasing and boundaries. They don't have enough value in their own boundaries. They'll say yes to anything, but then they can't really do it. You have to be careful with a highly agreeable person because they often overcommit.
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Exactly.
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Yes, because they can't. I have trouble with highly agreeable people as friends. And that's because they'll often all be like, hey, do you want to go to this concert in two weeks? Oh, yeah. And they cancel me last minute. Always. Because in their minds, like maybe, but probably not. But they're afraid to tell me.
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No. Now, let's talk about low agreeableness. Low agreeableness, those folks default to no. They are highly skeptical. They don't usually want – they will not do something for getting along. And because they default to no, they typically can be dream killers.
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So if you're in a pitch or a presentation, they're like, nah, it'll never work. Nah, it'll never work. Or you know you're with a highly – a low agreeable person if they Google fact check everything you say.
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Now, you have to know when to leverage them. Like, I know when to leverage my low agreeable people. I know when I want to go to them. Like, my husband can be very low agreeable. In fact, leaders are often low agreeable because they can't say yes to everything. They have to be willing to say no. They have to be willing to have people be angry at them.
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So I know when I go to my husband for an idea, I have to be ready, ready for the dream killing because he's going to be hard on me, and that's good. The last one, my favorite neuroticism – Neuroticism is how you approach worry. So you're medium. A high neurotic is a worrier. This is me. High neurotics believe that worrying is an investment in failure prevention.
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We worry to protect ourselves, and here's what's really important to know. Low neurotics are very emotionally stable. They usually don't worry. They say things like, don't worry about it, or it'll all work out. They do that because they actually have a different chemical response to negative events.
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What they found is that high neurotics, like me, we carry the short form of the serotonin transporter gene. Serotonin makes us feel calm. It makes us feel like everything's going to be okay. High neurotics, we produce less serotonin more slowly. So if something bad happens to me, let's say I get a bad email, my adrenaline shoots up, my cortisol shoots up, I begin to worry.
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My body is slow to respond with the serotonin that will say, it's okay, it'll be okay. So I literally have a negative response for longer. That is why we worry. High neurotics chemically feel things worse than low neurotics. So in a relationship, low neurotics are like, why are you worrying about this? You can't do anything about it anyway.
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If different pictures of the same person, like if you have five different pictures of yourself and you put them up on different LinkedIn profiles, people are going to make different judgments of you, which means you can control the kind of judgment you want to make by picking the right picture, but also having the right body language when someone first sees you.
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And the high neurotic is like, because if it happens, it will feel very bad. And my serotonin hasn't kicked in yet. So my husband is low neurotic. I'm high neurotic. This is a great match.
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Yes. So women are typically higher in neuroticism and higher in agreeableness. So they've actually studied the difference between genders. Women are higher in neuroticism and agreeableness than men. Men are also typically higher in extroversion.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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And more extroverted by nature, typically.
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Okay. So narcissists tend to be higher in extroversion. They typically love to be around people because it feeds their narcissism. Again, that does not mean that all extroverts are narcissists. I don't know about conscientiousness. I don't know if that correlates.
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Typically, narcissists are lower in agreeableness because they believe in themselves so much that they're like, I don't need people to agree with me. I'm totally great by myself. Typically, they're lower in neuroticism because they don't worry. They're like, everyone likes me. I'm so great. Why should I be worried? And I don't know about openness.
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So luckily, whatever their answer is, you don't have to be too worried, but you do want to have a conversation that goes like this. I see that you're really low in neuroticism, which means you don't worry about things. When has that served you and when has that not served you? The most important thing about personality is first, analyzing yourself, knowing where you fall.
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Yeah, I think Samin Vazir, I think, did this study. Yeah. Don't quote me, but I believe Samin Vazir does a lot on digital first impressions. And what's incredible is that small tweaks to your cues can have a massive impact on your impression. So, for example, I've played around with this on mine where I'll have my hand in my picture. Like, there's a big difference.
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Second is analyzing someone else. How do they fit with you? And the last step is do you optimize or compromise? A narcissist will not compromise with you. So you'll find out if they're a narcissist if as you talk about the compromises, they won't. When they talk about how they're neurotic, they never had a problem with it. Oh, their agreeableness? It's always been great. Oh, their extroversion?
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They're perfect. Their conscientiousness? They do everything right. They've never made a mistake. Their openness? Their way is the better way. A narcissist typically believes their personality traits are perfect. Typically. So it's actually not their score, it's how they relate to the score that should be a red flag.
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Yes, they've studied this. So you want to guess which personality traits live the longest?
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But there's a close second. So high contentious people are very good at habits, exercising, brushing teeth, taking their medication. And there's one more that correlates to longevity.
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That's it. So if you are a high extrovert, you have a support system, you invest in your support system, and you're getting a constant dose of oxytocin and serotonin, which makes you feel so good, which makes you feel belonging, which means you seek out people when you need help. So who do you want advice?
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Yeah. Extroverts and high conscious people live longer. You want to know who lives the shortest? Can you guess?
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The people who live the shortest, who have the lowest lifespan, are high neurotics. We worry ourselves to death. We have more chronic stress, more anxiety, and more depression. So neurotics have an issue, and this is me. We have a problem with our serotonin, right? Serotonin is very complicated. There's doing a lot of research on this.
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If I don't produce as much serotonin and I produce it more slowly, I am having far more negative experiences than the same person in the room. Like if I'm in a car and we almost get in a car accident and I'm the high neurotic, that affects me all day long. I'm like jittery and jumpy all day. And people are like, what are you talking about? We didn't even get an accident.
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It's because their serotonin kicked in right away, began producing. They're like, oh, we're good. Whereas mine is like a slow faltering car.
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Exactly. And they don't live as long. So I am working very, very hard in my life to one, dial up my extroversion to have a really strong support system because I know that supports me both mentally and longevity wise. But I'm also working on how to curb my neuroticism, to dial down my worry, to know that it's not an investment in worry prevention.
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Worrying more does not prevent bad things from happening, but having resilience does.
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Yes! Okay, so we had the very first date, and I pre-coached the gentleman, and I was coaching the girl via an earpiece, and I was shocked by these dates. Please don't do that. This is why we're having a baby crisis. I got angry after this date. Why? I was like, girl, we handed this guy to you on a silver platter.
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You know, optimism is not a part of the personality spectrum. However, high neurotics tend to be more pessimistic.
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If you were to see me like this with my face on my hand, it's called a face platter.
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Right? So the more you worry, the more you think bad things will happen.
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Mm-hmm. Doesn't that make so much sense? So extroverts, there's a lot of things happening for extroverts. One is they're exposing themselves to lots of different immune systems. So they're getting more antibodies by exposing themselves to lots of different immune systems. But two, when they're with people, they're happier.
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If you're an introvert and you're with someone and you're unhappy and stressed, your cortisol is up, your adrenaline is up, you're not having as good of a time. Whereas an extrovert is getting all this energy, getting all this dopamine, which is fueling them, which is making them feel better, which makes them stronger.
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It's stress insurance.
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Like investing in your friendships, the reason why I talk about it so much, it is stress insurance. And by the way, lifelong singles, they can predict lifelong singles. So lifelong singles, typically low in openness.
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They don't want to try new things. They don't want to go to new places. They don't want to go to new restaurants. They won't go out and meet new people because they're low in openness, low in extroversion, so they don't get energy from being around people, and they're low in contentiousness. They can't even plan it.
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That is the trifecta of you're going to have a hard time meeting your friends, meeting your people, because you don't get energy from people. You're not open to meeting new people, and you cannot have follow-through with trying to get the habit to get those new people. This episode is really important for those people because it means, A, you're not alone. There's other people who have this.
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Yeah, it's called a face platter, right? Think of like my face on a platter for anyone who's listening. This is a very different impression than this. Like same face. Face platter, warm, almost feminine, kind of girly, versus this, very professional, very competent. Just that one difference.
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Two, it could be your genetics at work. I think that sometimes people get like down on themselves for it. I'm like, look, like it could be how you're wired. You're not set up right to be getting energy from people. Okay, we have to work on that. That means we have to find the right people in the right situation. So if I have that person, I have a lot of lifelong singles.
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who are my students, I say, okay, we can do this. We can do this. Okay, you don't get energy from people. You're a low extrovert. Where do you get energy? Knitting. Okay. Books. Great. Hiking. Great. Extreme sports. Great. That's where I want you to hang out. I want you to get energy from the activity, not the people. So that way you're getting all this good stuff from the activity.
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Meeting people becomes a side effect and it's easier to be extroverted, to fight with that extroversion because you're like, oh, they're doing the same activity. And you don't even have to be high open. Because if you love that extreme sport, go to the same place every week at the same time, but do it all over the city. That way, the first time is going to be hard, but it's a ritual. It's a habit.
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And then whoever is coming in new, that's your app. That's you're already getting people. So there's ways to do this. You just have to invest a little bit in it. I truly believe that lifelong singles can find their person. They just have to be looking in the right ways.
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When you first meet them, you don't have to know their personality right away. However, they've found that you can tell many of the personality traits from a handshake. From a handshake. So, like, if we handshake.
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Like, pretend that we just met. Just pretend. Pretend. Oh, it's so good to meet you. Okay, so extroverts shake firmer.
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Very good. And that's typically a mark of extroversion, so, like, that speaks to, like, a little bit higher on the scale. We tell a lot from Handshake of the firmness, of the length, of the amount of pumps that happen. All of those things are informing that sort of, like, our brains, like, figuring out someone's personality. So you can actually pay attention to what your instinct is.
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It's probably right. They've even found the weirdest—this is, like, the weirdest— They did a study where they observed people shaking hands, and they filmed them and found that in that minute after shaking hands, almost everyone touched their nose or their face. And they found that their nasal dilation increased, meaning when we shake someone's hand, we're kind of smelling their hand.
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Like I smell you. It's so weird. It's so weird. But that's what we're doing. It's because we're sussing out something about their personalities. There's a lot, I think, under the surface that we don't even realize is happening. Like I swear that when I shake a nervous person's hand and I smell my hand, I get a little bit nervous. Really? Yes.
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So all these cues are changing, especially if you're first impression happening on dating profile apps, on LinkedIn, in your email, like a little picture in your email, your website. It is changing the way people treat you and think of you.
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I don't like to be around nervous people because they like trigger my own nervousness. Weirdest thing ever.
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The vibe is real.
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That's that first impression. That vibe is so real. Yes, that's why I encourage people to not go to places where they're uncomfortable because people will pick up on that vibe. Like go places where you thrive. Like go to the activities, do the things that you actually like because that's going to come across. It's going to affect your vibe.
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But you didn't like it.
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Right. And your vibe was for sure off.
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Yeah.
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You cannot hide it. It's like my little thing. You're like terrified. Yeah. You're probably like really afraid. So I think that like energy curation is important here.
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And I don't think we should try to fake it, right? Like I would much rather you set yourself up for success and say no to the things that don't work for you.
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Yes.
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That is real.
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That is real. So when you feel that anywhere on a date with someone you're hiring on a team, you should trust that feeling because it is something that we cannot, we have not explained with science yet. It's pheromones. It's the shape of your face. It's the feeling of your hand in mine. It's there is something happening chemically, physically, and you should trust it.
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Like, have you ever been led astray from that?
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This is weird. Of course, of course it is. Um, I knew I wanted to write books. I actually think of myself as a writer. I wanted to be a writer. I've always wanted to be a writer. When I started to be a writer in 2007, social media did not exist. Your job as a writer back then was to write books, and maybe if you were lucky, you had a three-month book tour.
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To be totally honest with you, I did not know I was signing up for this. I did not. If you had told me that being a writer would mean Sharing videos of my home and my personal life every day, I probably wouldn't have done it. I don't love that part of my job, to be honest with you. And so I know, though, that I have to share on video every day, every day, right?
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Okay, so she's leaning her head to one side with her cheek on her hand. First, immediately, a head tilt. A head tilt is a universal sign of engagement and warmth. She's giving me nurturing vibes. Don't you want to tell her all your problems? Like, I would guess she's a therapist or a life coach.
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To be able to get people to read my books. Which part of it don't you like? All of it. I mean, all of it. Which part do you hate the most? Trying to synthesize something very complicated into 60 seconds. I don't like it. I think communication is very complex, but I know it's essential to boil down a tip into a hook and then a framework. And I don't love that.
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And so, like, I am having far more negative experiences than the same person in the room, and that's genetic. But there is 30% to 40% potential for change. You want a better relationship? You want a raise? You want a promotion? You want more friends? The good news is anyone can learn these cues and techniques.
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And so when my career started to change, like I was writing books and then it was like, oh, it's, you know, 20% of your job is marketing. Now 30% of your job is marketing. Now 50% of your job is marketing. Now writing books is six months of writing and the rest of your life is marketing. I did not sign up for that. So I get up every day and I post videos on my stories and on my social media.
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And I do that to serve. I do not do that because I like it. And if I could skip it, I would. But I can't. That's how I'm able to write books. And so that is how I serve.
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Oh, my God. It was incredible.
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I feel like I met like 8 million new best friends. That's kind of what it felt like. I mean, as of now, I think the video is like 8 million. I don't even, that doesn't even count audio.
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And it really did feel like I found my people. I felt like literally it was like finding 8 million new friends where I met 8 million recovering awkward, trying to connect, trying to figure it out people who are like learners. And we were just flooded with love. And it re-energized everything that I do because I was like, I have got to help everyone. Like, I have got to be more helpful.
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And so, like, it was just such a gift. Like, thank you for giving me the space and asking the questions because I just have met the most amazing people.
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She has a watch on, which is a good ornament for competence, so she's probably a therapist or maybe a psychoanalyst. Probably has a degree. She also wears glasses. We like women in glasses and makeup for very competent. It actually ups our competence factor. By the way, this is just the research, not my opinion. And she has a sweater tied around her top, and that's very conservative.
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Oh.
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So I would say warm and nurturing could be a grandmother likely in a self-help profession.
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So some cues there we can learn from is we want to balance out the friendliness, the warmth, the approachability with the take me seriously. So you take her seriously because of her watch and her glasses and her lack of a smile. Those are all cues of competence. We like that. We also like those cues of warmth, head tilts, hand on face, and a soft smile.
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So in that way, it's a perfect balance or blend.
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Okay, so we are seeing a gentleman with no hands. So we see no hand gestures, just his face. He's also tilting his chin down and his forehead is forward. You also see a genuine smile. The best thing about this picture is he's doing an authentic smile because you can see those cheek muscles are activated. Upper zygomaticus. Terrible saying that, but these muscles are activated. So very likable.
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Oh, yeah. I like that. Good job. Yes. I love the smile. So we love that authentic smile. So he's very warm and approachable. He's also making eye contact with the camera. Slight head tilt. I would actually say this is very warm, almost too warm. If he is a doctor or a professor or someone who needs to be taken seriously… I don't know if I'd go to him with my problems.
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It's a lot of warmth for that photo. And by the way, I want to make this as helpful for folks at home. So think of your impression like a thermostat. You can dial up your trust and your approachability by adding cues. So if you want to add warmth or trust or likability, you can add a head tilt. You can show your hands. Movement is also one.
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So sometimes you'll see people who are like leaning their head over to the side or even in the process of a walk. That's why all those photographers use wind. Yeah. It actually adds like this weird element of warmth.
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If you want to dial up competence, power, if you want to be taken seriously, especially if you're in a career where you've been challenged or interrupted or not taken seriously or underestimated, you really want to dial up competence in your profile picture. Like the cover of my books, I am not smiling. And that is because I'm quite a smiley person and I want people to take me seriously.
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such as decoding the seven universal micro-expressions we all do unconsciously, how to spot a liar, the number one mistake people make in a first impression, and how to become a master communicator. Can I teach them to you? Please. Let's start with...
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So I made a choice to not smile on my covers.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Look, I love it. Okay, this guy has a cat around his neck. And you know what? I love it. Why? Because if you love cats, you're going to love this guy. If you hate cats, you're going to swipe. We want to make people not like us with the ornaments we choose, right? Like I love when my husband wears a cowboy hat because certain people are going to love it. Some people aren't going to like it.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
He's going to find his people. We're in Austin, Texas. So it would be weird if you like wore it in London or something like that.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
Okay, so I do not like sunglasses in photos at all. And the reason for this is because research shows that we can produce oxytocin, which is the chemical of connection, even through a lens. When you can't see someone's eyes, it puts a little barrier in our head of like, I don't know. I don't know about this person. That's chemically your body being like, I cannot see her eyes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
So I'm a hard no on sunglasses. This is like, she's very distant from me. Even though she has a beautiful smile, I can't see the upper cheek muscles and I can't see her eyes.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
You know, I haven't seen research on that. I've only seen research on sunglasses in photos. So I'm going to say in person I think it's okay. But I will say, like, have you ever been with someone and they, like, take off their glasses to see you better? Has that ever happened to you?
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
It feels good.
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!
If you want to show someone, I'm going to really listen to you. Take off your glasses. Or roll up your sleeves. So there's also – we know this is a cue. It's like let's get into it. I often see like leaders when they're getting into the get into it part of their speech, they roll up their sleeves. Another one that I like is this one, rubbing your hands together. Okay.