On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)
Mon, 12 May 2025
What usually holds you back from starting a conversation? Can you remember a time you avoided someone out of fear of saying the wrong thing? Jay sits down with behavioral researcher and bestselling author Vanessa Van Edwards for a powerful conversation that blends science, honesty, and so many surprising moments. Vanessa, who refers to herself as a “recovering awkward person,” shares how her biggest social struggles became the driving force behind her mission to crack the code on human connection. Together, Jay and Vanessa dive into the fascinating world of charisma, exploring the 97 cues, from eye contact to tone of voice, that quietly shape how we’re seen and understood. Vanessa breaks down why so many of us feel overlooked or underestimated—and introduces “signal amplification bias,” a concept that explains why the signals you think you’re sending might not be landing the way you expect. Vanessa shows us how confidence isn’t always something you’re born with but something you can build, with intention and awareness. The conversation goes even deeper as they unpack the tricky balance between warmth and competence, especially for women in the workplace, and how vulnerability isn’t a weakness, but often your greatest strength. They explore how to create those magic “me too” moments that form instant connections, spot the hidden red flags in communication, and let go of the need to be liked by everyone in order to be truly seen by the right people. In this interview, you'll learn: How to Make a Great First Impression Without Saying a Word How to Break the Ice with a Simple “Hey” How to Balance Warmth and Competence in Any Conversation How to Create Connection Using “Me Too” Moments How to Exit a Conversation Gracefully (Without Offending Anyone) How to Spot a Liar Using Body Language and Micro-Expressions How to Ask Better Questions That Spark Real Conversations How to Recognize the Difference Between Charisma and Manipulation Whether you struggle with social anxiety, want to level up your leadership presence, or are just tired of surface-level small talk, this episode is packed with practical tools and uplifting wisdom to help you connect with more authenticity and power. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there! What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:51 From Awkward to Empowered: Overcoming Social Anxiety 02:43 How Do You Really Want People to See You? 06:44 Why Aren’t Your First Impressions Landing? 10:01 Why They’re Not Getting Your Signals (And What to Do About It) 13:33 Want to Be More Attractive? Try Being More Available 15:40 One Simple “Hey” That Can Spark a New Connection 19:16 Your Vibe Teaches People How to Treat You 22:06 Speak with Power: Unlock Your Full Vocal Power 23:47 3 Conversation Starters That Actually Work 29:49 Making Friends Doesn’t Have to Be Hard 31:17 Why Compliments Alone Don’t Build Connection 33:30 Break the Ice Without Sounding Like Everyone Else 38:36 Stop Trying to Be Interesting, Do This Instead 40:48 The Art of a Smooth and Respectful Exit 44:32 Use These Nonverbal Cues to Steer the Conversation 47:41 Spot Inauthentic Behavior Before It Costs You 54:28 Why People-Pleasing Feels Safer But Actually Holds You Back 57:48 How to Tell If Someone’s Lying (Without Saying a Word) 01:00:04 When Narcissists Feel Like the Most Charismatic People 01:03:46 Want to Really Get to Know Someone? Take a Road Trip 01:04:45 How Dopamine Makes You More Memorable 01:08:23 Every Answer Can Be a Gateway to Connection 01:10:51 How Asking Better Questions Inspires Growth 01:13:10 Discover Your Social Battery: Introvert, Extrovert, or Ambivert? 01:15:10 You Might Be an Ambivert and That’s a Superpower 01:19:07 The Two Ways Friendships Evolve Over Time 01:22:30 Choose Friends Who Inspire Awe 01:25:20 The Double Standard Faced by Highly Competent Women 01:33:09 Before You Make That Connection, Ask Yourself This 01:34:34 Life’s Too Short for Shallow Connections, Find Your People 01:36:29 Vanessa on Final Five Episode Resources: Vanessa Van Edwards | Website Vanessa Van Edwards | Instagram Vanessa Van Edwards | X Vanessa Van Edwards | YouTube Vanessa Van Edwards | TikTok Vanessa Van Edwards | Facebook Vanessa Van Edwards | LinkedInSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: How can you overcome social anxiety and awkwardness?
Yeah, you're stuck. And that's what I like about your goal. I really, really like that advice. And I hope everyone uses it. We're trying to get a me too. And you have to have a goal to every conversation. The goal cannot be, let me get to the next question. That's it.
Which is usually where we get stuck, which is like, I'm just going to live in this like jumping relationship between like- Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, yeah, where did you grow up? What do you do for work? Do you have any siblings? Like all these questions that just, you know.
Okay, so let's play this out. Let's go even deeper. Let's do it. So let's say that someone's doing that to you. Okay, so there's two sides of a conversation. All of my students are high achievers, very smart, a little awkward sometimes. Those are my people. So what happens is they work on their people skills. They're like, yeah, Vanessa, like I got it. I got the context.
Excuse me, I got my conversation started. I'm available, whether that's in work or at play. And then they're with someone who's doing that to them, right? You're with someone who's like, so where are you from? You have a lot of siblings? Okay, so here's how you break that social script. One is I want you to think of what are the three questions that you're asked most?
So I have the same questions I'm asked over and over again in social settings. And it's usually, what do you do? Where are you from? How did you get into that line of work? That's a big one, I get. Okay, so the biggest mistake you can make is you are bored by those answers and you show it. Oh, I'm from LA. Okay. It's like, right? It's like, yes, yes, I'm from LA, but it ends the conversation.
So I want you to think of what's a way that you could answer that question that gives a hook or a story or it's a funny moment and it is a bridge to you asking them something else back.
Yeah.
How can you answer those questions that's going to slightly shift or transform the conversation and makes you more charismatic? So I even think like if someone were to ask you, how are you? You can answer it, oh, seven out of 10 today, right? Or like better on the inside than the outside, right? Like whatever it is, like just like break the script.
So if you break the script with something purposeful and you're like, okay, when someone asks me where I'm from and I say LA, I know I don't want to talk about LA. Yes, yes. Right? Oh, I've been to Austin. I love Austin. Oh, yeah, tell me about Austin. Do you like tacos? I like tacos too. Right? So, like, it weaves. And so, what are the three questions you get asked the most often?
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Chapter 2: What are the 97 cues that impact communication?
But you know what's really interesting about that is I think sometimes we all know that I know that there's a big difference between what you're sharing and teaching and people pleasing. There's a big difference. But to the untrained eye, it's a fine line where people are now trying to get a reaction.
Yeah.
And therefore they're starting to say things that they may not mean, which is not what you're suggesting at all.
I also think like I look at people pleasing as our deep desire to be liked. Yeah. It is so safe for us to be liked. And so when I look at the research, so research from Princeton University found that as humans, we are trying to answer two basic questions about other human beings. Can I trust you? And can I rely on you? We are constantly trying to assess people's warmth and competence.
Warmth and competence makes up 82% of our judgments of people. 82%. And so warmth is actually what we're talking about here in that most people have an imbalance of warmth and competence. We're very high in warmth, maybe not as high in competence, or we're signaling a lot of warmth, but not signaling enough competence.
Highly warm folks, people who are off the charts in warmth, their primary desire is to be liked. Highly competent folks, this is a lot of my students, they want to be right and So a highly competent person, they're very at work. They want to be on agenda. They want to get it right. You know you're in a relationship with a highly competent person if they constantly Google fact check you, right?
They're less concerned about you liking them, but they just want to make sure they get the facts right. A highly warm person wants you to like them, which means they often sacrifice their credibility to be liked.
Yeah.
That is actually what people pleasing is, in my opinion. Right. I think people pleasing is someone who goes, I so want to be liked that I'm willing to throw my competence out the window just so that you like me. They're sacrificing the need to be liked for their need to be respected. Yeah. I say to people pleasers, what true communication is, is showcasing both.
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