The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Mon, 09 Dec 2024
What if you were told that there is a secret language that makes up 98% of your communication? Impacting your work, socialising, and romantic life Vanessa Van Edwards is the founder of ‘Science of People’, which gives people science-backed skills to improve communication and leadership. She is also the bestselling author of ‘Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People’ and ‘Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication’. In this conversation, Vanessa and Steven discuss topics such as, why your resting face matters, the 3 science-backed tricks for confidence, the best gestures for building trust, and how to spot a liar fast. 00:00 Intro 01:45 The Crucial Role of Cues for Success 03:16 I'm a Recovered Awkward Person 05:07 What's an Ambivert? 07:00 One Word That Can Change the Way People Think 09:11 The Most Fundamental Skill to Invest In 12:13 The Resting B*tch Face Effect 15:33 Do Not Fake Smile! 18:00 The 97 Cues to Be Warm and Competent 21:15 The Formula to a Perfect Conversation 24:09 Science Reveals Why Some People Are Extremely Popular 28:06 Message People Telling Them This... 32:53 The Luck Experiment 34:36 Being Around Successful People Is Contagious 41:26 The Importance of Hand Gestures 43:10 Hand Tricks to Be Liked 53:46 The Scientific Formula to Be More Charismatic 56:19 The Danger Zone of Being Too Warm or Competent 58:16 The Power Cues 1:07:26 How to Spot a Liar 1:14:54 If You've Been Told You're Intimidating, Do This 1:18:09 Don't Let Anyone Use This With You 1:21:16 The 6 Questions to Connect With Someone 1:33:52 Leaning Too Much Towards Someone... 1:38:34 How to Greet Someone 1:49:13 How to Master Messaging 1:54:12 Personal Branding 1:58:32 Improve Your Dating Life With These Tips 2:03:58 Body Language and Brain Connection 2:06:05 Are You Awkward? Watch This 2:09:45 How to Get Someone to Approach You 2:14:39 How to Make Friends as an Adult 2:18:28 AirPods Are Killing Friendships 2:21:48 Ads 2:22:39 How to Spot a Liar (Repeat Topic) 2:28:36 Toxic Relationships 2:31:06 How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger 2:35:32 How to Get Started With All This Knowledge Follow Vanessa: Instagram - https://g2ul0.app.link/cm3A7r1O6Ob Twitter - https://g2ul0.app.link/IVgMiQ3O6Ob Science of People - https://g2ul0.app.link/5LJ8mO5O6Ob You can access the images mentioned, here: https://linktr.ee/diaryofaceostudies You can purchase Vanessa’s book, ‘Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication’, here: https://g2ul0.app.link/HjfkOgZO6Ob Watch the episodes on Youtube - https://g2ul0.app.link/DOACEpisodes My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' is out now - https://g2ul0.app.link/DOACBook You can purchase the The Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards: Second Edition, here: https://g2ul0.app.link/f31dsUttKKb Follow me: https://g2ul0.app.link/gnGqL4IsKKb Sponsors: Shopify - https://shopify.com/bartlett ZOE - http://joinzoe.com with code BARTLETT10 for 10% off Colgate - https://www.colgate.com/en-gb/colgate-total Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?
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Your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe my gesture over my words. And that's because it is very hard to lie with our gestures. For example, you want to do a little experiment with me? Sure. Okay, I want you to say five, but hold up the number three. Five. Hard, right? Yeah.
I had to think about them separately.
This is why liars use less gestures. But a known tool like that is critical if you're trying to set yourself up for success.
And we're going to go through all of them.
Oh yeah.
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Chapter 2: Why is body language crucial for success?
Chapter 3: What is the resting face effect and how to improve it?
Let's start with a study that blew my mind. It's impossible to be attracted to someone who... That's so crazy, just such a small... That one little thing...
Quick one before we get back to this episode. Just give me 30 seconds of your time. Two things I wanted to say. The first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning into the show week after week. It means the world to all of us and this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn't have imagined getting to this place.
But secondly, it's a dream where we feel like we're only just getting started. And if you enjoy what we do here, please join the 24% of people that listen to this podcast regularly and follow us on this app. Here's a promise I'm going to make to you. I'm going to do everything in my power to make this show as good as I can, now and into the future.
We're going to deliver the guests that you want me to speak to and we're going to continue to keep doing all of the things you love about this show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to the episode. Vanessa Van Edwards, für jemanden, der gerade auf diese Gespräche klickte und sich fragt, warum sie bleiben und hören sollten, was wir darüber sprechen werden, was würdest du ihnen sagen?
Sehr, sehr erfolgreiche Leute sprechen eine versteckte Sprache, und das ist die Sprache der Qs. Wenn du nicht weißt, wie du die Qs lesen kannst, die Leute dir senden, wenn du nicht weißt, wie du die Qs, die du anderen senden, kontrollierst, dann verpasst du einen wichtigen Element des Erfolgs.
How do you quantify that in a way that I know that it's true? Are there studies or stats that reinforce what you've just said?
82% of our impressions of people are based on warmth and competence. That means that if we can control our warmth cues and our competence cues, we know we are taking care of 82% of our impression. And that is critical to being more memorable, to being more confident, to having clearer communication.
And taking that a bit further, what areas of my life will that impact? So if I'm warm and I'm competent, which you're telling me are things that I can control, what are the downstream consequences of that?
So I think my mission is to tackle a big lie. And that is that smart people will translate their book smarts into people smarts.
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Chapter 4: How can I boost my charisma with simple tricks?
Chapter 5: What are the key cues for building trust?
Was sie gefunden haben, war, dass jeder, der gesagt wurde, dass sie das Wall Street-Spiel spielen, ein Average von einem Drittel ihres Profits teilt. Everyone who was told they were playing the community game shared an average of two-thirds of their profits.
This means that that one word, community game, community, made people think and feel more about community and made them act more collaboratively. This means that the words we're using in our emails, our subjects, our texts, our LinkedIn profile headlines are cuing people for how they should treat us. Eine wirklich simple Way to think about this is your calendar.
I send out calendar invites multiple times a week to clients, to friends. When we have meeting, one-on-one, call, video, interview, I am being cued for nothing. Those words are so overused, they're sterile. If you add cues that prime people to feel or think a certain way, you're actually setting them up for success.
So 2025 wins, collaborative session, strategy meeting, goal meeting, goal overview, teamwork collab session. Those words are actually cuing that person's brain every single time they open their calendar, that when we read a word like collaborate, we are literally more likely to be collaborative. So the words that we use, even one single word can actually change the way people think.
Es ist lustig, weil unsere gesamten Leben Menschen sind. Die Unterschiede zwischen mir als Präsident, Bundespräsident, superbe Verkäuferin, exzeptioneller Entrepreneurin sind wahrscheinlich nur mein Verständnis von anderen Leuten und wie ich in meinen Worten und in meinen Begrüßen auftauche.
Und wenn du dich darüber nachdenkst, könnte das für viele Menschen das wichtigste Thema sein, um sich zu verbessern.
And how many people did you say you've taught people skills to? 400,000 students. And is there a particular case study that stands out to you as being the most extreme in terms of success?
Er studiert den Fakt, dass jemand von null zu einem wundervollen Ort gehen kann.
Yes, and it's my very brilliant but stoic students. So I've noticed, especially over the last 10 years, because I've been doing this for about 17 years, in the last 10 years especially, my most extreme students are the students who are very, very smart, very talented and good at what they do, but they don't know what cues to send, and so they completely shut down.
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Chapter 6: How can I spot a liar quickly?
Du hast es, aber musst du dir bewusst sagen, dass du das tust? Oder musst du es immer erinnern?
Nein, ich muss mir bewusst sagen, dass ich das tue. Nun, ich muss das nur mit Menschen tun, die ihre erste Vorstellung haben. Oder wenn ich versuche, eine gute Vorstellung zu machen. Mein Team weiß, dass ich nicht traurig bin. Mein Team sieht mich immer. Sie sehen mich ohne Make-up. Sie wissen, dass ich nicht traurig bin. Das ist nur mein Gesicht. So here's what's critical.
One, you should know, what is your resting default? Are you looking sad, angry, or afraid? Oh, afraid I didn't do. So if you have, you actually have some. I'm so sorry. Oh, you're joking. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You have these lines.
I just had someone laugh in the back. One of my team just laughed in the back.
So you have them just right here, these light lines here. So when we're afraid, we go, and we raise our eyebrows up, and our, you can't see it, because I have Botox on my forehead, but if you, yeah, there you go, there you go, that's great. Now open your eyes and go, oh! Ja. Ja. So people, you are signaling accidentally anxiety. So try to make sure you're not showing the upper whites.
Second mistake you will do is they make a contempt micro-expression. So... Das ist ein Ein-Seiten-Mouth-Raise. Also mach einfach ein Ein-Seiten-Mouth-Raise für mich. Das macht nicht so, dass du denkst, hm, besser. Ja, ja, ja. Not only do they look scornful, kind of disdained, they actually begin to feel better then and scornful. So do not do an asymmetrical smile in your profile picture.
You are accidentally signaling negativity. The third biggest mistake you will make is they do an inauthentic smile in their picture. The only true indicator of happiness is when these cheek muscles are activated. Anyone can fake smile. This is what mine looks like. But you see people do it, right?
Yeah, I do it.
Yeah, and people know. I would rather you not.
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Chapter 7: What are the best ways to connect with someone?
Am I going to say, no, it's horrible?
That's not your real smile. I literally have to do this when I take a photo. Das ist mein Lächeln. Aber das ist kein echter Lächeln. Was soll ich tun?
Du kannst lachen ohne deine Zähne, so lange es deine oberen Zähne schlägt. Versuche es für mich. Setze deinen Finger zwischen deinen Mähen. Und lache so hoch wie du kannst. Oh, das ist besser. Das geht bis in deine Augen. Siehst du?
Oh, das ist nicht gut.
That looks so much better. If you can activate these muscles in your profile picture, you don't have to walk around like that, but if you can activate, not the fear, not the fear, just here. If you can activate these muscles in your profile picture, it shows authentic happiness or don't smile at all. I hate the advice. Just smile more. Fake smiles do not work. Dr. Barbara Wild studied this.
She took pictures of people thinking of something they were authentically happy about, took a picture of them smiling, then she told them to fake smile and took a picture of them. On the surface, you really couldn't tell the difference between the two smiles. They looked very similar. But she had participants take mood tests. Dann schau dir das Bild an. Schau dir ein Bild an oder das andere an.
Gruppe A, Gruppe B. Die Leute, die das positive Bild gesehen haben, hatten einen verbesserten Mut. Sie haben das Glück aus dem Bild gefangen. Die Leute, die das falsche Lächeln gesehen haben, hatten keinen Mutveränderung. Das bedeutet, ich würde lieber, dass du kein Lächeln hast oder neutral bist, als ein falsches Lächeln.
Aber wenn du in deinem Bild lächeln kannst, ist es so großartig für authentische Glück.
It sounds like it might be quite exhausting for some people. Because I think some people, although they're happy, they feel good, they're nice people, they do have that resting bothered face, I think you called it. And there's other people that I know that just kind of walk through life with this like resting smile. Like we can all think of that person that's just like always happy.
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Chapter 8: How do successful people influence others?
And then what would happen is I would try to overcompensate by sharing a ridiculous story or talking too much or completely shutting down. And I kind of like wavered between completely shutting down and being overwhelmed and talking too much and saying too much and just verbal vomiting over everyone. And so I shut down. And in college especially, I just felt so left out. I just felt so lonely.
And I don't know if anyone watching is feeling lonely. I thought it was all my fault. I was like, I missed the memo. I don't know how to have conversations. I don't even know how to have friends. That's what it felt like, that I desperately wanted to make connections, but I had no idea how to level up a new person to a friendship. I had no idea how that path happened.
I had no idea how to have a conversation with someone, share something real and then have a real interaction back. And so it was really lonely and overwhelming.
And what was the catalyst for you to go on this journey?
I was in college and there was a group paper assigned. And you had like five people and everyone had to do five pages. And I went to the professor and I said, I will write double the amount of pages if I can work by myself. Und er war so, Vanessa, der Punkt des Papiers ist nicht das Papier, es arbeitet mit den Leuten. Und ich war so, und ich begann zu weinen in seinem Büro.
Ich war so, das Student. Ich war so, ich weiß nicht, wie. Und er war so, Vanessa, du bist sehr gut bei der Wissenschaft. Du bist sehr gut bei der Verschiebung von Dingen. Was, wenn du für Menschen studiert hättest, wie du für Chemie studierst? Das war ein A-ha-Mom für mich. Er sagte, warum nicht du studierst gute Gespräche? Warum nicht du studierst die populären Kinder?
Warum nicht du schaust, was sie in der Gespräche tun, die funktioniert? Studiere es, als ob es eine Wissenschaft ist. Deshalb war meine Marke die Wissenschaft der Menschen. Das ist, als ich erkannt habe, okay, es kam mir nicht natürlich, aber vielleicht gibt es Forschung.
on actual things I can do with my body, things I can do, I can say verbally, questions that work, that will help me learn this the other way. Turning soft skills into hard skills. That's when I started creating my first conversational blueprints. That's when I started creating my conversation formula. And it started to work.
I started to try out these kind of tiny experiments and I actually started to feel like myself, make more friends. It was tools. I had to use tools to be able to connect because it just did not come naturally to me.
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