Troy Iwata
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Yes, Michael. I don't want to overgeneralize, but it does seem like 100% of them are sex criminals. Okay. That does seem like an overgeneralization. It does, doesn't it? You know, that's like saying all trans people are unfit to serve in the military. It's ridiculous.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Oh, I don't think the police would waste their time on these silly predators. But hey, Random, did you know they're certifying Joe Biden as president again right in the Capitol building over there? It would be a shame if any January Sixers stormed in there to stop him from taking power. That looks like a prison. No, no, no. This is the U.S. Capitol, obviously.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
And they are about to certify Joe Biden right over there! Just past those heavy barred doors of the Capitol that lock from the outside.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
This is a very real thing that's happening. Ooh, ooh, look, look, there's Mike Pence just walking around with his neck fully exposed. And, oh no, a whole bus just broke down and it's full of junior cheerleaders. Will no one help them? Come on, Troy. Troy, they're not gonna, they're not gonna buy that. You're right, Michael. The people who thought the election was stolen can't be tricked.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Oh my God, Nancy Pelosi's desk just walked by. And it's looking clean. It would be a shame if someone re-shat on it. Her desk just walked by? It did, alongside Hunter Biden and the whole cast of High School Musical the Musical the Series. And all of them want to try this Mike's Hard Lemonade? Fun! You better get down here, patriots, because their parents won't be home until morning.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Well, good luck. Troy Iwata, everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Defies Court Order & Deports Migrants, Lewis Black vs. Air Travel | Ezra Klein & Derek Thompson
Jordan, I'm at the hospital for young people who aren't feeling well. And you might not think that their feelings are important, but when these sick kids found out that Trump used an auto pen on their letters, their hearts broke. And they died. What? Holy shit, all the kids died? Well, no, there's still one hanging on and he is being so brave. Oh, okay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Defies Court Order & Deports Migrants, Lewis Black vs. Air Travel | Ezra Klein & Derek Thompson
No, a lot of them weren't even sick. Some had scrapes, some had a tummy ache, some had that fake get-out-of-school-cough, you know, with the curled tongue, that one. But no matter what it was, when they learned about the Autopen, their hearts just stopped working. Except for one kid whose life support cord I tripped over. That was my bad. And I said I was sorry!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Defies Court Order & Deports Migrants, Lewis Black vs. Air Travel | Ezra Klein & Derek Thompson
Little kids just love tariffs, Jordan. I don't know, maybe some of them are racist, but the point is, they're gone now. No more little booger fingers, no more department store tantrums, no more screaming on airplanes. You know what, I'm kind of talking myself into this. Troy, no. Troy, you're being very callous. Sorry, you're right, you're right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Defies Court Order & Deports Migrants, Lewis Black vs. Air Travel | Ezra Klein & Derek Thompson
Okay, some of these kids were five and six years old, so all they had at the end were their stuffed animals and their jobs at Doge. It was...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Defies Court Order & Deports Migrants, Lewis Black vs. Air Travel | Ezra Klein & Derek Thompson
Well, fortunately, President Trump sent them all letters of condolence. He got a lot of them signed pretty quickly and... Oh, wait, oh, wait. Families, don't open those letters!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
Jordan, Eric Adams has promised to not be affected by the pardon, but that remains to be seen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
Troy, are you getting your teeth whitened?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
Yay, penis mercy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
America's "Hot Felon" Obsession and the Fox Nation Patriot Awards
This is quite a group. I have so many friends sitting there. You have incredible people at Fox. You have incredible people at every level of Fox. No day off, no play, no golf, no nothing. I didn't want to... And Justin came flying right in. Well, that chart showed we had the best immigration, the lowest number of people, and made America great again.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
America's "Hot Felon" Obsession and the Fox Nation Patriot Awards
Thank you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
You can count on me, Desi. I'm versed in legal statutes, I have access to a network of law professors, and I'm wearing a bow tie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
That is a beautiful question, Desi. It doesn't sound legal, but nothing does anymore. Let me tell you what, I'll do some research and I'll get back to you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
What?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
Oh, I'm not done looking at the Treasury Department thing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
Okay, okay, so should I do that question first?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
Okay, it's going to take a lot of work, so I have to... Thank you, Troy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
I didn't get any of what you just said. Okay, I need to get my notepad. Thank you, Troy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
Oh, my God! You can't be serious.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
You're going to find out in a second if it's legal for me to blow my brains out on the air.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Martial Laws, End Zones, and The Cosmos
Troy. Troy. Hey, Troy. What's the latest? It's tense, Ronnie. I asked Pete earlier for his response to this report, and he said these are baseless allegations, and he's determined to clear his name. And then he threw up all over my shoes. Okay, so what, he's drunk right now? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That was this morning. He was drunk this morning. He is not drunk now. Yeah. What's that? What?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Martial Laws, End Zones, and The Cosmos
sorry he also is drunk now okay okay look that's ridiculous okay this has to kill his nomination oh god i hope not what what you want a drunk secretary of defense like the sober ones have been so great yeah all they've done has got us into wars okay iraq afghanistan iraq again And who can forget the war on Christmas? Yeah, okay, that last one is not a real war.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Martial Laws, End Zones, and The Cosmos
Yeah, tell that to the Starbucks barista who wished me a happy holidays this morning. It's Christmas, you know, the birthday of Mariah Carey. The point is, I want a secretary who's not invading countries because he's passed out in the Situation Room covered in his own piss.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Martial Laws, End Zones, and The Cosmos
Yeah, but it's easier to distract a drunk person, you know? If he's like, I'm mad at France. Let's go to war with France. We'll just say, or let's go to karaoke. You know? And half an hour later, we're in Koreatown singing Pink Pony Club. Well, he's straight, so it'll be lose yourself, but you get it. Eternal peace. Wait, let me explain it to you visually.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Martial Laws, End Zones, and The Cosmos
Okay, so the more drunk someone is, the more peaceful they become. Okay, so it goes, war in Iraq. Who's Iraq? Iraq. OMG, I love Iraq so much.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Martial Laws, End Zones, and The Cosmos
Do you know how hard it is to enter a code when you're drunk? He'll just be poking away with his little fingies and halfway through, just realize he's playing Candy Crush on his phone.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Martial Laws, End Zones, and The Cosmos
Ugh, Ronnie, how can I put this? You're sounding very not party girl right now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
I needed to understand more about this fetish from a psychological standpoint. So I brought sex expert Dr. Justin Lee Miller to the Museum of Sex to make him feel at home and ask if he knew why this fetish was the one thing that crossed the political aisle right now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
And since there is no official data on this topic, it's up to me to do the research to find out if political humiliation is the solution to America's problems just in time for the election. I really bet you more of a perp. That's too hard. Okay. I don't, I don't, I don't know if I'm a slut boy for that policy or that policy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
Was I turned on? I'm not sure. You know, maybe I should just vote independent.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
Okay. Oh, actually, you know what? We might be getting somewhere with this. But I guess no matter what happens in November, in this country, there will always be plenty of shame.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
There is no doubt that this election is exhausting, infuriating, and divisive. But to some, the endless cycle of insults and partisan attacks might actually be a turn on. That's right. The hottest new fetish is political humiliation. And this correspondent is ready to dive in to see if political shaming is the new sexy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
To find out more about this niche fetish, I traveled to the top spot for political shaming. Tampa, Florida, to speak to two of the top specialists in the field, goddess Vivian Leigh, a dominatrix who specializes in humiliating liberals, and goddess Brandon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
A dominatrix who specializes in shaming conservatives using her popular personas, Ivanka Trump and Laura Hilbert. When did you notice that people were asking for this political shaming?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
So do you think that Trump played a huge part in the growth of this need?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
Right. I mean, who knew that 80-year-old men can make people so horny?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
So what do conservatives want to be sexually humiliated about?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
So what are you saying? Are you saying that rich white men are insecure? And what turns on vigorous?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
Okay. It was time to find out firsthand what to expect from a political humiliation session. So, ring, ring. Hello. Hello, Troy. How are you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
I'm... That was a long line that you gave me. I'm very conservative, as is my penis. Stupid, stupid penis. You know what I think you need? What do I need? A strap-on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
A big fanny pack. What's in the fanny pack? Penises. Real penises?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
Hot. Yeah, I have a big fanny pack of penises on my head. And I hate drag queens. They're ruining the world with their fun.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | In the Field Pt. 2
For letting me vote for Trump. It's hard to be a straight guy. Do you think that those involved get more knowledge on their own and opposing political views because of your services?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Do you want laundry capsule? Do you want laundry beads? One cost costs only five cents. Just ship custom-scented candles to U.S.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Okay, uh, Troy, that's a lot of designer clothing. Mm-hmm. And I got it all for $8. Thank you, trade war.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Okay, I know, but the longer this trade war goes, the more incredible deals I'm finding on TikTok. So personally, I think tensions could get like five to 10% higher. Even a dumb peasant country like China could understand that. Okay, Troy. No, Troy, that's exactly the kind of talk that could escalate the trade war. Okay, and I'm fine with that. Look, look, this is like 400 Tide Pods.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
And it was 15 cents. I had to break a dollar. I have a lot of luxury clothes to wash, and these are extra nice, so I'm going to wash them on extra hot with my towels. No, no. This could cause a global recession. All right, then we'll buy our way out of it. For the first time in our lives, we can get Hermes scarves in bulk, like all those dumb people in China.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Troy, those aren't real Hermes scarves.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Uh, yeah, Socrates. Okay. Just wait until Christmas, you'll change your tune once we're stuffing our stockings with Gucci. Aren't you Jewish? Not at these prices.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Okay, let me speak to China. Damn, I nailed that. Troy, I speak Chinese. I have no idea what the you just said. All right, do you need me to explain Uncle Sam to you or a penis? Yeah, you know what? Get out of here, Troy. Troy Wada, everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
China Strikes Back at Tariffs by Roasting JD Vance & Selling Out Luxury Retailers | Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Yeah, I mean, you're... You're throwing a lot of words around, but I think, like, that's... Yeah, we know what you're doing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
I don't see the resemblance, Leslie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
Put up the picture.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
Bless you, my child.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
Troy. Troy, what's it like down there? What do you mean, Jordan? It's a little river with a lot of poop in it. Okay? It smells bad. It looks bad. Is that a fish? Nope, it's poop. Why am I here? And why did you make me stand in it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
Jordan, some of that got in my mouth. Yeah, I know. Thanks to the both of you. Thank you, Jordan. I hate you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Climate change. It could kill us any day now, if we're lucky. But one scientist has a solution. Meet Dr. George Church. He knows exactly how to curb climate change, and the answer is so simple.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Oh, yeah, that's good. So while some think they're doing their part with their electric cars, George and his company were making Jurassic Park a reality.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
You know, I never thought about the woolly mammoth angle. I almost feel stupid for not thinking about it, because it was right there in front of me. I just have one silly question. How exactly is a woolly mammoth going to combat climate change?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Are we going to provide them with a canvas tote and metal straws?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
So a big part of this is about knocking down trees.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Right, right. Have you considered monster trucks? I feel like with the right combination of monster trucks, monster truck drivers, and meth, you could really knock down a lot of trees. We haven't discussed that yet. That's out of the box. Well, I am on board.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Not because I'm pretending to understand everything that you're saying or comprehend the science behind it, but I would love a pet woolly mammoth. I think that would be fun. I, okay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Just me and my pet, Willie Nelson. This is the best idea ever.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
There's always a buzzkill. Meet Dr. Ross McPhee from the American Museum of Natural History.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Wait, so you're a paleontologist who works at the American Museum of Natural History and your name is Dr. Ross?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
I didn't think today could get any better, but oh my God.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Okay, Troy, here it is. This is the mammoth. This is what they want to bring back? They want to bring this back in all of its glory. Wow. Well, it seems easy enough. The bones are all there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
So how would they even resurrect an extinct species?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
So in a way, you're making sort of an Asian hybrid? Correct. Okay, well now I know why they asked me to do this interview.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
But can you imagine a beautiful world where humans and woolly mammoths play together on Earth?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
300 pounds? Someone call TLC.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Oh, my God. Have you been reading my journal? In my childhood dream journal, I wrote, I want something that's 5,000 to 6,000 pounds marching around my yard. It's a big mistake. Well, I was a kid. Both of these geniuses made good points, but only one of them had a secret lab full of prehistoric creatures. And I couldn't believe I was finally going to meet one of these majestic mammoths. Wow.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
This is amazing. So where are the mammoths? Are they in the back?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Are you kidding me?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
All right. Let's see some elephant cells. Fun.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Caves to Tariff Uproar, But Doubles Down on China | Olivia Munn
Okay, bringing back a woolly mammoth to curb climate change might seem bonkers, but it's either that or carpooling with coworkers we hate. At least this guy will be here when we're all gone.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Keeping things the same as they are now. With minor improvements. With minor improvements. I mean, I guess one thing that's good about Biden is he doesn't have the baggage, you know, say, that Hillary has.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Come on! Maybe I've been focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe it isn't the voters that need the pep talk. It's Joe Biden. And Dakota has some advice that will shake the political landscape forever.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Way to pump them up. Well, there's always 2028. Seriously, can I please sit in the front?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Like most presidential elections, this election will be determined by disengaged, working class, independent voters from a few Midwest states. So I'm at a gathering of such voters in Thornville, Ohio. Okay, so it's 2024. We have a very exciting presidential election coming up. Very exciting. Everyone's really, really happy about it. Who are you voting for?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Are you going to vote? Uh, hell no. Why don't you plan to vote? Because, like, you're voting for two people who pretty much doesn't care about your existence.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Yes, this is the Gathering of the Juggalos, a music festival where young people in America's heartland explore new frontiers in fashion, self-care, and the arts, while enjoying the music of insane clown posse and other popular acts of the murder clown genre.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
These tens of thousands of disengaged youths could be a powerful voting bloc if only a political party would address the issues they care about. 100%, I believe global warming is real. Man, it gets hotter and hotter and hotter to go through the summers. I know, it's 9 a.m. and you already have your shirt off. How do you feel about cutting taxes for billionaires?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Yes, I think billionaires should pay more taxes. In a way, they're sociopathic clowns.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
If you want to be a killer clown. If you want to be a trans killer clown, by all means, please do. I'm really glad that the killer clown community has opened up to the trans community as well. And there's one policy preference the Juggalettes feel especially strongly about.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
I'm going to put that on a t-shirt, by the way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Unsurprisingly, the Juggalos were interested in a third-party candidate, and their pick turned out to be more politically viable than RFK Jr.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
And that makes sense too, because President Violent J might scare some people. Of course the Juggalos would want one of their own in the White House, so I put on my best Juggalo formal wear to find out if Violent J himself would accept the nomination.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Even though Violent J refused the mandate of commander-in-chief, he had clear policy preferences on everything from mass deportation... F***ed up. Now I remember why I hated Trump, that wall shit. ...to women's rights... They have the right to be the f***.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
I was starting to get a sense of where Violent J stood on the issues. But did the head of the Insane Clown Nation see himself in any of the candidates to lead our Insane Clown Nation?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Oh, sure. Sure. I forgot mine. So Violent J is backing Harris. See, not all juggalos are sitting this election out. Now, what are the odds he's going to remember to vote on November 5th?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Okay, well my self-therapy is free and only requires a nearby abandoned warehouse. Whereas these cuddle sessions could cost anywhere from $80 to $150. Who would pay for that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Why cuddling when there are so many other obvious ways to deal with your emotions? Like what?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Okay. I needed a moment before I willingly spooned a stranger. I do see there are benefits, and I have been stressed. We've got climate change, race relations, people drinking orange juice with pulp. Just eat an orange. But it doesn't mean I have intimacy issues. Okay, maybe there is some stuff I need to work on. Bernadette does seem at peace. And what's the worst that could happen?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Human touch. Is it a good thing? Some people crave it. Weird. And now it's easier than ever for them to get it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Why'd you let me quit piano lessons? The Cuddlist were right. I felt transformed and my hormones were flying high. I was a new man ready to embrace the world through cuddles. Everyone is talking about the hottest new form of inflation, tipflation.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Tipping is so hot, even the president-elect is talking about it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
And I don't know about you, but personally, it's been stressing me out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
What have the plants done for us besides give us air to breathe?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
It looks like almost everyone not getting tips agrees about tipping. But do these hospitality workers notice tipping popping up everywhere?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
All right. So everyone agrees tipping is popping up everywhere and it sucks. So why not cancel the tip?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
It's clear tipping is overwhelming, but how do we escape it? And then I found it. Lula Cafe, a tip-free haven where all the employees had health care and no one carried the decimal point. They just carried food to the table. So I sat down with owner Jason Hamill to hear how he ran a restaurant without tips.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Okay, I'm running out of f***ing ideas. But the president-elect did say something. Oh right, he was gonna get rid of taxes on tips.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
I think that's theirs. There shouldn't be tax on it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Wow, that was easy. So we just stopped taxing tips. No problems whatsoever.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
As one who goes through life avoiding human contact, I wasn't thrilled about meeting someone who made a living from touching other people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Do you think if there was no federal tax on tips, people would get their entire paycheck in tips?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Don't you think that politicians could solve this by just raising the minimum wage? Sure, and maybe some health care, and that could be good. The health care part would be really good. Yeah, there's a lot to talk about. But, you know, we're not here to talk about health care. Well...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Okay, so tipping is everywhere, more than ever, but people need tips to make a living because minimum wage is so low.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
And taxing tips is bad, but we need to raise the minimum wage first so companies don't resort to paying the tipped minimum on even more jobs, which could result in tipped employees needing the consumer to tip more so they can make a living, which will result in tipping being everywhere more than ever. So how much do I tip to make sure no one starves? It's all on me! Are you okay? Do I look okay?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
My big takeaway, I still don't know how much to tip. Thank you so much for speaking with me. I don't know what 20% or 25 or 18, I don't know how much.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
But maybe we in the media are out of touch? I hit the streets to ask, what do voters really think of Joe Biden?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
It's okay. I wish I was more excited. On a scale of one to ten? Probably somewhere around a two or three. How would you compare that to, say, seeing some really beautiful latte art? I would put that maybe as a five. Could you point on this graph how you feel about voting for Joe Biden? Okay, some pain.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
But if you couldn't tell by the stick-and-poke tattoos and Warby Parker glasses, these people were all Democrats. There must be something they like about Joe Biden. He's a big ice cream guy. Mm-hmm. Can't vote against that. What do you think his favorite flavor is? Vanilla, 100%. Oh, my God. It's got to be super mid.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
11? Oh my God. Is this Joe, Joe Biden? Or is this like the famous corgi on Instagram named Joe Biden that I'm not aware of?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Junior. Oh my God. There's an older one? Wow. Who was this guy? Against my better judgment, I followed him to his car. Oh my God. Oh. It's a cardboard cutout. Before I get in your car, I have to ask, this isn't a sex thing, right? It is not. Okay, good, yeah. I didn't think so. Yeah. Oh. Oh my God, you have Kamala too. Do you have the whole cabinet in there?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Where's your cutout of acting labor secretary, Julie Su? Julie? Julie! Meet Dakota Galvin, Joe Biden's biggest and only superfan. Could he hold the key to helping Biden defeat Donald Trump and his MAGA army? Trump has this huge fan club of tens of thousands of really intense weirdos, and Biden has you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
And how does one become a cuddlist? Do you need a degree, like a physical therapist, or is it like a fake certification, like a sandwich artist?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Right. A cult-like devotion to one man. Am I right? Okay. Let's talk about the cardboard cutout. Why do you keep him in your trunk?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
I do. Okay, setting aside the question of whether the boyfriend was also a cardboard cutout, when did Dakota first realize he was Biden-curious?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
So you like him more now than when he was just Obama's white friend?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Oh. That's a strong endorsement at a time when Joe Biden is so unpopular that somehow hating him is uniting pro-Israel and pro-Palestine protesters. So what does Dakota see in this guy?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
Yeah, I guess we can have fun with glaring reminders of his age. Turns out the things that get Dakota excited are different from other voters.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Troy Iwata
You know, I don't think there's anything we can do about his oldness or his whiteness, but do you think he would consider exploring his sexuality? Oh, gosh. Yeah. Sure. Joe Biden Tumblr fan fiction aside, could Dakota get Democrats fired up about Biden? I'm going to pretend to be someone who's not overly enthused to vote for Joe Biden, and I want you to convince me, all right? Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | President Elon
You can count on me, Desi. I'm versed in legal statutes, I have access to a network of law professors, and I'm wearing a bow tie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | President Elon
That is a beautiful question, Desi. It doesn't sound legal, but nothing does anymore. Let me tell you what. I'll do some research and I'll get back to you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | President Elon
Oh, I'm not done looking at the Treasury Department thing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | President Elon
Okay, okay, so should I do that question first?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | President Elon
Okay, it's going to take a lot of work, so I have to... Thank you, Troy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | President Elon
I didn't get any of what you just said. Okay, I need to get my notepad.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | President Elon
You're going to find out in a second if it's legal for me to blow my brains out on the air.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Troy, what's the mood over there? Bad, Jordan, real bad. But we're hanging on to hope that we can get Elon Musk through this hard time. And luckily, you can help for the simple price of $30,000. That's just 70,000 cups of coffee a day. You can make sure the richest man in America stays the richest man in America.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
I was trying to before you rudely interrupted me. This man is barely worth $300 billion at this point, but we can change that for the simple price of $50,000. You can help a 53-year-old boy afford all the things he was already able to afford.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Wow, Jordan, I thought liberals were supposed to care about immigrants and African-Americans, of which Elon is both. And you know, he's not as rich as he used to be. He lost $40 billion. That's 40 billion Arizona iced teas. But we can fix that for the simple price of $160,000. You can support an African man in need and his beautiful, growing ketamine addiction.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
It's okay. I forgive you. Because you can help. for the even simpler price of $2.5 million. You will get a thank you letter from one of his 37 children asking how they can get in touch with their father. Troy, come on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
You mean like Jeff Bezos? Yes. For the simple price of one non-union factory.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
The founder of the adult content site OnlyFans has also submitted a bid.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
Great, love it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
Absolutely, Desi. And it's not just water pressure. A few minutes ago, he passed another executive order that says, a shower faucet can't do that thing where you turn it and it's cold, cold, cold, but then super hot. There has to be a warm middle. If that makes sense, you know what I mean. Best wishes, DJ T.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
Yeah, I think halfway through he forgot it was an executive order and not a letter. I don't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
You know, hard disagree, Desi. I like this version of Trump. Let him have his little showers, okay? Also, I do love a warm middle.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
The real question is, who does this hurt? And the answer is, no one. Right? Okay? They're going to do bad things anyway, Desi. But if I'm going to be spending five hours a day stress pooping on the toilet, at least give us an executive order like the one this afternoon that says, no more itchy tags on clothes. It's too, too, too, too itchy. Have a great summer, Donald Trump.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
He's bad at bigger, real things. 95 of these executive orders are about punishing people who just disagree with him. So I'm fine with side quest Trump, okay? Would you go up to Hitler and be like, why are you painting? You've got work to do.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
Yes. Apparently it is. So just focus on the wins. Yes, he's putting Dora the Explorer on a flight to El Salvador, OK? But he's declared that anyone on the flight who asks for a soda has to get a whole can. XOXO, Donny.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
I did. The soda can was my idea.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
If you don't like that one, how about this one? It says toilet paper must be rolled over the top and not from the bottom. Lila's Donald Trump. We can all get behind that, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Enters War on Showers & Kristi Noem Takes "Photo Shoot" Literally | Bowen Yang
Thank you. So you're one of them bottom rollers. Okay. Well, enjoy your flight to El Salvador. Hello, ice. What?