Roy Wood Jr.
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
You see, they said it was at the National Mall, but what I thought they said was the Nashville Mall. And let's just say all those white people in Tennessee were as confused as I was when I was protesting in front of an Orange Julius. Now, you can't speak about marches without speaking about the big, bad, sexy, Afro-repping Black Panthers. Look at them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Anyone wearing leather in the summertime means business. In 1967, the Black Panthers protested against California gun control by marching to the Capitol with their grievances and some AK-47s. That's right, white people. I know you like to think that being out in public with the big gun was your idea, but that was some black shit first.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
And while bringing guns to a debate about gun control is not very logical, it is very effective. In fact, it gives you the upper hand in most situations. My Uncle Bebo once walked into a Chipotle and forgot he had a loaded pistol in his hand. He got free guacamole for life. Well done, Uncle Bebo.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
But before you criticize armed protests, remember, it was a different time and you had to be there, which I was not. I wanted to join the Black Panthers, but the day before the protest, my barber cut my afro too low and I ended up with a buzz fade. I couldn't join the Black Panthers looking that square. I look like a Wesley Snipes who does pay his taxes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
And finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention the powerful black women who fought to unshackle the chains of oppression. One of those icons is Ida B. Wells, who famously took over a 1913 march for women's suffrage. The white women said that she had to march in the back, but Ida refused, telling those white ladies, either I go with you or not at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
which is basically a turn-of-the-century way of saying, I'm about to take my earrings off, heifer. Now, I didn't attend this march either, because I was not yet born. But my grandmother Regina Wood Jr. was able to go, but she didn't go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
She said she was going with her best friend Susan, but the two got lost on the way and somehow they ended up in the Caribbean, where they've been living as roommates ever since. Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Roy Wood Jr. This has been CP Time. And remember, we're for the culture. Must have been more than friends, I guess. They ain't got but one bed in they house.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Proud Negro men and women being arrested for no reason.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Oh, I'm sorry. Did the Klan fill out their paperwork before marching in my neighborhood?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Here's the thing. Newspaper Franklin was great. Newspaper Franklin was great. You can't argue that. But when they put him on TV, it was a different story. All of a sudden, they made him a stereotype.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Actually, Trevor, I don't agree. You have to look at the bright side of things. Yeah, maybe the cops arrested Dr. King and a bunch of our brothers and sisters, but they did it this time without violence. That's progress. I mean, 40 years ago, a white man wouldn't even give a black man a glass of water. Now, not only can we have water, we can get it whether we want it or not.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Why couldn't Franklin just do the hokey pokey, Trevor? You telling me black kids can't put their left foot in and take their left foot out? It looked like Franklin was auditioning for House Party 2.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
It was every time with this kid. Any time you walk down the street in Peanutsville, you might run into Franklin and his homeboy, pop walking. And even when he's hanging out with his friends, everyone else gets a normal handshake, but no, not Franklin. He got a slapped skin. See what I mean? All the other Peanuts are just kids, but Franklin's running around Peanutville like a damn baby shaft.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
He's a tiny bad mother. Shut your mouth. I'm talking about Franklin. Look, I just don't want him to be the other kid all the time. Even at Thanksgiving, yeah, they invited him, but look where they put him. He's by himself. Even the dog gets to sit with the kids. Why is the dog even at the damn table? It's cool though, Franklin. Franklin, look ma'am, Franklin, they did you a favor.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
You don't want none of that bland ass white people turkey anyway.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Well, I mean, I guess you could call that progress. Oh, I do call that progress. We've gone from lynchings to beatings, now to peaceful arrests.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
In fact, I heard Dr. King is coming back right here next month to Selma to march across that bridge, and at the rate of progress we're making, I bet you it's gonna be a fun day marching arm in arm with the police, and one day they'll make a movie about it, and it'll be called Selma, the day when nothing happened at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Welcome to CP Time, the only show that's for the culture. Today, we will be discussing the history of civil rights marches. They were how black people fought the system, made change. It's also how your granddaddy got his steps in. Now, there are the famous marches that we all know about.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
The March on Washington, Birmingham, and the March in Selma, which I was getting ready to attend until I found out that march was on a bridge. I don't do bridges well. I told Dr. King if God wanted the black man to cross rivers, we would have been born with those little floaty things on our arm, like white people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
But there are many other marches in black history worth noting, such as the 1995 Million Man March in Washington, D.C. Now, some people say the crowd size didn't actually reach a million men. But if that's true, it's only because it was the 90s and all those parachute pants took up too much space. But at least hundreds of thousands of men attended this march.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
They gathered to call attention to black issues like structural racism, unemployment, and most importantly, an end to the jerry curl, or as I call it, the black mullet. That hairstyle has held more black men back than bad credit. The jerry curl is the only hairstyle that made black men look like Jewish mothers. Sadly, I did not attend the Million Man March. I tried to, but I misheard the location.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
He becomes Questlove. Now, this is also a great time for black actresses. Octavia Spencer. Octavia Spencer, man, became the first black woman to get nominated two years running. And then there's the Best Supporting Actress nominee, Miss Mary J. Blige. Yeah, that was amazing. And I've got to admit, that was a nice surprise. Aw, man, it wasn't that surprising.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
As soon as I saw Mudbound, I knew Mary J. was getting a nomination. She ain't wearing no makeup. Trevor, any time... Anytime a black woman in a film don't put on no makeup, you know it's gonna be some serious acting. You got Oprah in the color purple, Monique in Precious, and Madea in Alex Cross. I almost didn't recognize her.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
That's right, man. Everybody got recognized, man. Black people, women people. But you're forgetting the biggest breakthrough of them all. Fish people! Did you see Shape of Water? Bro, they got a fish person, an actual fish person, not in a background role like they normally get. This fish person is the romantic lead, and he got to smash. Bro, that never happens. A fish got to smash.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
That doesn't sound like a... Oh, oh, wait, wait, you're right, you're right. Little Mermaid, she got some pipe, but only after she turned into a human. Now, I'm not blaming the Little Mermaid as an actress. Back then was a different time in Hollywood. Fish people had to take the roles they could get. But this dude in Shape of Water, yo, he's openly fish and still gets the girl. Suck it, Aquaman.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
And the Motion Picture Academy is looking to get film fans involved. The Hollywood Reporter says this year folks on Twitter get to vote on their favorite movies of last year using the hashtag OscarsFanFavorite. It can be any title, so you're not limited just to this year's nominated pictures. The movie that gets the most fan votes will be recognized during the Oscar show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
In Hollywood this morning, the Motion Picture Academy did spread the wealth around a number of diverse projects. And the movie with the most nominations was made by a man from Mexico.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
Expecting expertise. Expert indeed. What's up, Roy? Hey, man, look. In the past, it was hashtag OscarsSoWhite, but this year, it's hashtag OscarsSoSorry. People who were long overlooked are finally getting their due. Obviously, the big one is Get Out. Four top nominations. That's dope. Little known fact, Trevor, a lot of people don't know this. Get Out is based on a true story. What, it is?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
Hell yeah. Get Out is the true story of a prominent black neurosurgeon trapped inside the Trump administration. Now, they changed some of the details, but tell me, tell me this ain't Ben Carson every day.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
He good, man. It's a British black dude playing an American black dude. That's like how you sit at this desk and pretend to be Australian every night, or whatever the hell accent that is. Wait, what? But also, man, don't count out Denzel. In Roman J. Israel, Denzel Washington plays Questlove playing a lawyer. The layers of that performance, bro. Boy, he's not playing Questlove. I know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Oh, it's Roy Wood, oh, it's Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
You sound just like United Airlines. Captain gonna tell me I need to sit down and put the sign away. Not tonight. Fly the plane, Sully. Okay, Roy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
I mean, you know, dude, it was grown ass men brought to tears. You gotta remember, dude, Cub fans, this wasn't just for them. This was for the generations, three generations of ancestors who never lived to see the Cubs win the series. So then if it was for generations, who were you there for?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Because it came on TV. Look, in Alabama... Look, in the 80s, only two baseball teams came on TV, the Cubs and the Braves, and I couldn't watch the Braves because they came on at night, and my daddy wanted to watch Airwolf. What you know about Airwolf?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Oh man, it's the lucky robe. I ain't washed it in a year. I was riding all over the game, man. I had it on last night, fellowshipping with complete strangers. Plus, when that storm hit, this the best part, man, that rainstorm started coming around the ninth inning, this robe sucked up all the water and I brought it back as a souvenir. Look at this right here, man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
That is authentic game seven precipitation. Oh, yeah, man. I'm ringing this out. I'm going to sell this for a grand and ounce on eBay, man. This is concentrated victory, boy. Go ahead and hit you some of that. Hit that. No, I'm good, Roy. I'm good. All right, you're lost, man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Welcome back sports fans. I'm Roy Wood Jr. My usual partner Michael Kosta is out this week But it's all good because I got my man Ronnie Chang with me and he is psyched to talk baseball aren't you Ronnie?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
You know Ronnie baseball is America's national pastime.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Well, lucky for you, this week's big story has both.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Now, that was a great thing to see, Ronnie. Josh Hader busted for racist tweets, apologizes, and now the Milwaukee fans are showing forgiveness.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
It kind of looks like some people are clapping for the racism. Okay, well, we don't know. Let's just be honest. We don't know why they were clapping. Sometimes you just join in on something because everyone else is doing it, like the wave or cocaine. What? No, ew.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Yeah, that's how sports work. The better you are, the more shit you can get away with. Josh Hader is an all-star, which means he's so good, he can bounce back from bad tweets. Ron Artest was so good, they let him punch fans in the face. And Shaq was so good, he got away with Kazam. Hall of Fame, bro.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Up to three babies, I'd be fine with that. But hey, let's move on to a lighter story.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Oh man, selfie stations, you gotta admit, Ronnie, this baseball team really stuck it to those millennials.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
But rest well millennials, you aren't the only young people having problems at baseball games.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
No, no, pro tip. If you want a ball, you don't steal it from a kid. You go to Walmart and you steal it like a goddamn adult. This story makes me so mad, Ronnie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Come on. Ronnie, Ronnie, look, no matter what you think of baseball, we can both agree this guy is an asshole.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Well, but still, the kid could have had a second ball. Now he's only got one ball. He's walking around like Lance Armstrong. I don't like that guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Thank you so much for coming in. My real partner, Michael Kosta, will be back next week. Thank God. Ronny Chieng, Roy Wood Jr., everybody. We'll be right back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
A good night last night for Florida. How about those Tampa Bay Rays? That was good. It tells me that the people in this area know a little something about turning an underdog into a victor. Philly fans, you do know all about turning an underdog into a victor. Red Sox fans know how to turn an underdog into a victor. Three!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Let's get right into it. Now, look, I know everybody want to talk about Trump, but first, let's talk about the opposite of Trump, women's basketball. Last night, the LSU Lady Tigers beat Iowa in a tournament that had record-breaking viewership, but it wasn't just who won the game that left people talking.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Oh! Oh! Did you see what that black woman did to the white woman who did the same thing to a previous woman in a previous game? Must tweet. Can't resist must tweets. First off, Caitlyn Clark herself was okay with the shit. She was fine with it, because Caitlyn gets that trash talk is part of the game. And I agree. Personally, I think trash talk is good for sports.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Sports is better when there's trash talk. Even better when it might start a race war. You can't see me. You can't see me. And to be honest, man, this was some good competition, yo. Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. This might be the new Magic Johnson versus Larry Bird. This might be the start of a feud that bleeds into the professional and into the WNBA.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
You think Kaitlyn Clark ain't back in Iowa right now training? You think she ain't right now dunking off the side of a barn? LSU might have messed up and created a monster. The last thing you want in your life is a white woman with a grudge. You seen the movies? Them white women get mad? Hey, you get a white woman mad, they keep coming and keep coming and coming. Did y'all see Alien?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
That alien pissed off Sigourney Weaver one time and then Sigourney whooped that alien's ass for four straight movies. Then, then she went and sicked a predator on they ass.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Earlier this week, we told you how LSU beat Iowa in the Women's NCAA Basketball Championship, and there was some epic trash talk this week between Angel Reese and Kaitlyn Clark, and tempers have been bubbling all week, but finally, finally, a peacemaker has emerged.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
No, you're wrong. She's talking about peace and unity, y'all. Why shouldn't the losers be standing proud with the winners? COME ON, JILL BIDEN. YOU'RE TRYING TO TURN THE WHITE HOUSE INTO A PARTICIPATION TROPHY. NOBODY LIKES PARTICIPATION TROPHIES. EVEN THE KIDS DON'T LIKE PARTICIPATION TROPHIES. NOBODY.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
NOBODY'S EVER CAME HOME AFTER SCHOOL AFTER THE BIT GAME WITH A TROPHY LIKE, YO, CHECK IT OUT, I STRUCK OUT 12 TIMES. FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TURN TO DESI LIDER. DESI. HOW YOU BEING, DESI? GOOD TO SEE YOU. Now, Desi, we've been talking about this story around the building all week, and I know you'll agree with me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
The whole thing, the whole thing on this issue comes down to one word, and that word is... Racism. I'm sorry, but you think this is racism?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
You may not quote Malcolm X. Got it. I hear what you're saying, Desi, but this is clearly sexism. This offer, this would have never happened in men's sports. But women are expected to get along and to share the prize simply because they're women. If I could quote the great Gloria Steinem. Nope.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Desi, let me explain to you how internalized sexism works. Let me explain sexism to you. Dr. Jill Biden treated these adult women like a bunch of high schoolers who all had to be invited to the slumber party no matter what. That's not what you do. And I know what I'm talking about because I watched Handmaid's Tale a couple seasons. That's the name of it. Is it Handmaids or Handmaid's Tale?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Yes. Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden made a mistake. Maybe next year, the White House should have Vice President Kamala Harris extend the invite. You know, another strong woman.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
That's right, girl boss. Yeah. Yeah, give it all.