Roy Wood Jr.
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
You see, they said it was at the National Mall, but what I thought they said was the Nashville Mall. And let's just say all those white people in Tennessee were as confused as I was when I was protesting in front of an Orange Julius. Now, you can't speak about marches without speaking about the big, bad, sexy, Afro-repping Black Panthers. Look at them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Anyone wearing leather in the summertime means business. In 1967, the Black Panthers protested against California gun control by marching to the Capitol with their grievances and some AK-47s. That's right, white people. I know you like to think that being out in public with the big gun was your idea, but that was some black shit first.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
And while bringing guns to a debate about gun control is not very logical, it is very effective. In fact, it gives you the upper hand in most situations. My Uncle Bebo once walked into a Chipotle and forgot he had a loaded pistol in his hand. He got free guacamole for life. Well done, Uncle Bebo.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
But before you criticize armed protests, remember, it was a different time and you had to be there, which I was not. I wanted to join the Black Panthers, but the day before the protest, my barber cut my afro too low and I ended up with a buzz fade. I couldn't join the Black Panthers looking that square. I look like a Wesley Snipes who does pay his taxes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
And finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention the powerful black women who fought to unshackle the chains of oppression. One of those icons is Ida B. Wells, who famously took over a 1913 march for women's suffrage. The white women said that she had to march in the back, but Ida refused, telling those white ladies, either I go with you or not at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
which is basically a turn-of-the-century way of saying, I'm about to take my earrings off, heifer. Now, I didn't attend this march either, because I was not yet born. But my grandmother Regina Wood Jr. was able to go, but she didn't go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
She said she was going with her best friend Susan, but the two got lost on the way and somehow they ended up in the Caribbean, where they've been living as roommates ever since. Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Roy Wood Jr. This has been CP Time. And remember, we're for the culture. Must have been more than friends, I guess. They ain't got but one bed in they house.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Proud Negro men and women being arrested for no reason.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Oh, I'm sorry. Did the Klan fill out their paperwork before marching in my neighborhood?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Here's the thing. Newspaper Franklin was great. Newspaper Franklin was great. You can't argue that. But when they put him on TV, it was a different story. All of a sudden, they made him a stereotype.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Actually, Trevor, I don't agree. You have to look at the bright side of things. Yeah, maybe the cops arrested Dr. King and a bunch of our brothers and sisters, but they did it this time without violence. That's progress. I mean, 40 years ago, a white man wouldn't even give a black man a glass of water. Now, not only can we have water, we can get it whether we want it or not.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Why couldn't Franklin just do the hokey pokey, Trevor? You telling me black kids can't put their left foot in and take their left foot out? It looked like Franklin was auditioning for House Party 2.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
It was every time with this kid. Any time you walk down the street in Peanutsville, you might run into Franklin and his homeboy, pop walking. And even when he's hanging out with his friends, everyone else gets a normal handshake, but no, not Franklin. He got a slapped skin. See what I mean? All the other Peanuts are just kids, but Franklin's running around Peanutville like a damn baby shaft.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
He's a tiny bad mother. Shut your mouth. I'm talking about Franklin. Look, I just don't want him to be the other kid all the time. Even at Thanksgiving, yeah, they invited him, but look where they put him. He's by himself. Even the dog gets to sit with the kids. Why is the dog even at the damn table? It's cool though, Franklin. Franklin, look ma'am, Franklin, they did you a favor.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
You don't want none of that bland ass white people turkey anyway.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Well, I mean, I guess you could call that progress. Oh, I do call that progress. We've gone from lynchings to beatings, now to peaceful arrests.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
In fact, I heard Dr. King is coming back right here next month to Selma to march across that bridge, and at the rate of progress we're making, I bet you it's gonna be a fun day marching arm in arm with the police, and one day they'll make a movie about it, and it'll be called Selma, the day when nothing happened at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Welcome to CP Time, the only show that's for the culture. Today, we will be discussing the history of civil rights marches. They were how black people fought the system, made change. It's also how your granddaddy got his steps in. Now, there are the famous marches that we all know about.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
The March on Washington, Birmingham, and the March in Selma, which I was getting ready to attend until I found out that march was on a bridge. I don't do bridges well. I told Dr. King if God wanted the black man to cross rivers, we would have been born with those little floaty things on our arm, like white people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
But there are many other marches in black history worth noting, such as the 1995 Million Man March in Washington, D.C. Now, some people say the crowd size didn't actually reach a million men. But if that's true, it's only because it was the 90s and all those parachute pants took up too much space. But at least hundreds of thousands of men attended this march.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
They gathered to call attention to black issues like structural racism, unemployment, and most importantly, an end to the jerry curl, or as I call it, the black mullet. That hairstyle has held more black men back than bad credit. The jerry curl is the only hairstyle that made black men look like Jewish mothers. Sadly, I did not attend the Million Man March. I tried to, but I misheard the location.