This is part one of a two-parter On The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City cast trip, Braunwyn reveals that Todd has been unfaithful, and Meredith is rumored to be vomiting and crying (over slut shaming). In the end, Lisa storms out of dinner, and Mary just wants some dessert. To watch this recap on video, listen to our Sold on SLC bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Tickets for the Mounting Hysteria Tour are now on sale at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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I have credit.
I have credit. I have credit.
Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today is the one, the only, Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. How are you, Ben? I'm just fabulous doing just fabulous. You know, it's Thursday. We're about to head in for our winter break. We're so excited for it.
And we got Salt Lake City to talk about today. In case you are under a rock, we are going back on tour next year. And we're going to tons of different places. And actually, we have a pretty big announcement. which is we can now officially say that we are doing our very first ever Vegas show. We are going to Las Vegas. It took us long enough, right?
So that show is, of course, I don't actually have the date, but it's going to be in May, and we're really excited. It's going to be at Wiseguy's. Tickets are on sale tomorrow, but there's actually a presale happening now for our Patreon patrons. That's going to be on May 15th. So we are so excited to do our first Vegas show. It's going to be wild and crazy.
Also, people have been asking for the ticket links. for Austin and Dallas and Charlotte. We finally have the links up. The pre-sale there is happening also today. And all the tickets for Vegas, Dallas, Austin, and Charlotte, those will all be on sale to the public tomorrow, which is Friday, December 20th, as well as all of our other dates, including February 1st, which is the Golden Crappies.
And we're already talking to some really cool people to be guests on that. So That's going to be an epic show in New York. You don't want to miss that. We're going to have some voting stuff. Voting is going to happen in the new year, but we are now collecting ideas for the ballot. So please go check out our social media.
Go check out Instagram because over the next few days, it's Instagram.com slash Watch What Crappens. Over the next few days, we are going to be soliciting ideas and suggestions for things like best moment of the year, best fight, best quote, things like that. We need your help because our memories are only so good. So go do all the things, and it's going to be a great new year.
Great, great, great new year.
Great, great times, everybody. Wow. Yeah. Exciting times. All right. Yeah, let's get on with her, Ben. This is a video, as usual, over on Patreon, Krappens on Demand. Let's begin. We open in Puerto Vallarta, day two. Heather is in an oddly shaped swing outside of her room. You know, I love that people just keep trying to reinvent the swing.
I don't really think it's something that needs to be reinvented that much. This one's a big, flat, round one. I didn't really understand it, but, you know, just cut my ass. You know what I mean? I don't want to feel like a blob on a teacup or a teacup coaster. I just want to feel like my butt is cupped, no matter its size.
You know what, it's not a show about Utah unless there's a reference to a swing. So she- Literal swingers everywhere we turn. Literal, literal swingers. So she gets a text from Whitney and to go meet Whitney and to say, come meet me and Angie for water aerobics in 20 minutes.
And we see just people, like, Bronwyn's brushing her teeth, Meryl's drinking coffee, Lisa's getting glam, and Lisa is texting everyone. She's like, Hi! Hi, girls! We have a beautiful breakfast in the villa today, and then we're going on a little yacht ride, and be sure to be ready for the yacht! I don't love on! Did you see Lisa's tweet that she tweeted out last night? No. What'd it say?
um it said this is her tweet this is the entirety of her tweet liars need to shut their mouth mom mom it has it has so many retweets it's just her liars need to shut their mouth sometimes you just keep need to keep it simple you know
Hey, yo, that's going to be my next tweet. Hey, yo, let's see how many people retweet it. That's the first time I'll ever go viral. Shut up. This is going to be my tweet. Shut up.
Swings, am I right? So then we go over to Bronwyn's room and she's also getting into glam. And so she calls Todd. She's like, what's going on there? Are the dogs okay, Todd?
He's like, yeah, they're all fine. A couple of them are outside. I'm getting on the porch. Get off my porch, dog. This is not for your space to live.
She's like, there are a lot of animals roaming around the jungle here. It's just so beautiful, Todd. I wish you were here to see her with me.
Do you have to keep nodding your head? You're like a bobblehead on an old Corvette that hadn't had his transmission regulated. Jesus Christ, are you riding a horse? Do you need something to support your chin?
Yeah, you know what? I'm going to build you a sack of Werther's Originals that you can rest your chin on so you stop bobbing so much.
Are you dying over the text I sent you last night? Well, here's what's going on here.
I sent you a late-night text that was saying, Todd, I'm just very upset because Lisa asked me how I like the rooms, and I said, Lisa, I like the rooms, but I just can't believe that you wouldn't have me by you because I came to be with you, and then you put me in another room with other people, and I just don't understand. Oh, my God, you're going to give yourself a conniption fit.
it's not you're in a gorgeous room you're overlooking the ocean i've never heard anyone in my life especially on this show complain about being too far from lisa barlow everyone else is trying to get bus tickets the hell away from lisa barlow if they have to girl
a hallway away you know this was bronwyn's um this was her like sob story episode and i don't mean that in a i don't mean that in a dismissive way but like all great housewives they know how to clap back they get into fights they hold their own but when the when the pressure's on they they give the sob story this is like what leon locken would do at all times like when leon locken was caught with every episode
Leanne Locken was the best. She's like, well, I'm sorry.
One time when I was a baby, my stuffed animal plushie got caught in the Ferris wheel at the carnival and I cried and groaned for years. So now I just relive that trauma whenever I see Carrie Duber. I'm sorry.
i hit that bus but one time my mama put me on the bus and she said you're never getting off this bus and when you do it's gonna be a different mama that sees you when you get off because i'm done with you you can't even do a back stand what kind of carny are you loser and now every time i see a trolley i just have to hit it like oh for christ's sake can we just take responsibility
Now I'm not saying also that what Bronwyn says later in the episode is just like some, like what, like a, like a silly story that she manipulates for tears. It's like, it doesn't matter.
We'll get to that.
But the point is that she, this is her episode. This is her episode.
When we talked about, this is her, like, I want to, I want to get the Rose episode. This is if anyone watches a bathroom, you always have to have your trauma to stay on the show. And when you're afraid you're going to get kicked off, this is when you bring up your trauma. They vary, and I'm sure most of them are real, but you save it up. I think they ask you in auditions.
You know, most people, like on Broadway, they'll be like, give me your best eight bars. And you come in and you're like, tomorrow. And you do that for five seconds. But in, like, reality TV, they say, give me your best eight bars, and you're like, mom beat me, dad left me, car broke down, brother looks, you know, brother's hotter than me. And they're like, okay. Goldfish died. Yeah. Great job.
We've already got a couple of mother deaths and father abandonments. Please move to the back next, please. Someone's like, um, an elf fucked my elbow in college. And...
The CEO of Bomb Pilot cheated on me.
Like, okay, that's good. That's it. Ding, ding, ding. Bring her in. And she's also dressed like a bunny in a bikini. Wow. All right.
Double. And she was mauled by a dog the other day.
She's just passing of flying colors. Fucking men, though. Isn't that the truth? I mean, men, it doesn't matter how old a man is. A man can have nipples dragging onto the ground, be a hairy-backed ape. And probably smell like, you know, milk that was spilt on a counter three weeks ago and still pull ass.
I mean, they will still they might not get out of out of their easy chair for five days in a row, but their dick will still find a way. They could be impotent that we will tape a popsicle stick to the bottom of our dicks and still put it inside of things.
Like it's a World War I victim in Downton Abbey. It's like your dick is on the Popsicle stick in the living room in Downton Abbey.
and one of the daughters was tending to it carefully that's the that's the viagra of the past sticks that's how people started getting crooked dicks because they were they were you know tourniqueted around sticks you know so like nature just took over and started bending everywhere nature finds a way the point is that nature finds a way okay so back to the times before we knew that todd was a cheater um which is right now
So she sends that text to everybody. And yeah, so Bron was talking to Todd Bloss. Sorry, I forgot that. And it's like, and you know, and then, you know, she said, Lisa's talking about how beautiful the hotel is. And I'm like, it is beautiful. And I'm glad we're here, but I feel kind of a certain way about not rooming with you.
And then it turned into this whole conversation of her insinuating, I'm not grateful to be here. And frankly, that I'm snobby. That never happened. That never fucking happened. You're a fucking liar, Bronwyn. And like you're enjoyable on this show. I'm enjoying Bronwyn on this show. I really am. But she's a fucking liar.
And, you know, she's going to fit right in here because you've got this show of Whitney's. Well, Whitney, I guess, is the biggest liar.
But you'll fit right in. she's i mean she's going to she's going too fast like she we saw season one bronwyn season two we're on like are we already on season four bronwyn and we haven't even finished like episode 14 or whatever like this is uh she's like her her
The fact that she's already at this place of taking one comment and reading so far into it that then she comes out of it saying like, and you just called me a snob. You have to be you have to have a few seasons on your belt before you're doing that sort of thing. So she's really she's she's going too fast. She's going to explode.
She's just so offended. And that's a good quality in a housewife generally, but it's like every little thing, she's got a slower roll, you know? So Todd, you know, Todd's like, well, that's just a stupid thing to say. And I thought, God, Todd does really listen to this channel. Cause he knows James, James's famous song. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say.
We should play that at the end of this episode, just in case people forgot it. James is an asshole, and he's canceled, and we're not trying to uncancel him, but he did have a real banger a few years ago. Ben's going to put it up later. You're a stupid thing to say. So then we go over to Whitney, and she's taking Angie and Heather to water aerobics.
And she's like, every family vacation we go on, Justin insists that we go to water aerobics. And then we see a clip somehow of Justin at a pool in water aerobics. How much does the camera crew follow these people around that they have?
I know. Was this Bobby? Bobby, were you taking secret footage of your parents doing water aerobics?
And I fucking do it again, bitch.
Bobby, why are you talking like that?
I just had a Mountain Dew splashed with some Dr. Pepper, bitch. You wanna fuck with me? I'll give you a piece of me.
We haven't seen much of Bobby this season. She's probably out, like, swerving that golf cart around.
Come on.
I'm rich.
which is the quote that Karen Huger said. The video all came out of Karen Huger. We don't have, there's not a crappy hour until the new year. So we probably should, well, the big news is that Karen Huger is found guilty for DUI and all the video footage, all the footage of her in the patrol car and at the police station has now hit the internet. It's pretty wild. I'm sure we'll talk about it.
Her and Ray are acting like, They are talking to TMZ. The camera's right in their face. And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah. Being pulled over. You're welcome. You're welcome. Hello.
Hello. Hello.
Do you have anything for me to sign? Is that what you'd like me to do? Sign something for me? No, no. You know, what's your name? And they show one where she's in the patrol car and she's asking the cop, what's your name? And he's like, I don't know. Rick, what's yours? And she's like, the granddad. He called me the granddad. That's what he called me. And he goes, the granddad?
She just sounds horrible, because he doesn't know what she's talking about. She's like, yeah, your grandad, Andy Cohen gave it to me. Andy did it. Yo. Do you have a tissue?
Do you have a tissue? He's like, no, ma'am, I don't have a tissue. Every like two minutes, she has like two lines that she keeps coming back to, which is, oh, I'm very rich. I'm very rich. Do you have a tissue? Do you have a tissue? Ma'am, we do not have tissues in the patrol car.
Are you sure?
Annie Gone would give me an issue. She's like, who? What? What? They're like, drunk. She's drunk. She is wasted. This is horrifying in a way, but it's also... Hands down, I have to say the best DUI video I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of them. This was the best. I mean, it was, listen, she might go to jail. This was bad. She got found guilty. It's her second time. This was egregious.
This was egregious. She should not have been driving. It's terrible. She may be guilty of this. We all know that she is now officially guilty of this. But something else she is also guilty of is art. You know, she's an artist.
She likes arts. well done it's it's it's really it was it's an amazing video uh two two videos at least i don't know if there's another video but they're they're they're really worth watching uh also as long as i mentioned this a few days ago but in case you didn't listen to that episode i will say it here on the salt lake city episode i apologize for devaluing bronwyn's passport holder gift
I personally thought they were tchotchkes. Many people who are up on their passport holder knowledge wrote me messages to say they were actually $600 a piece. They were like Kelly Ben Simone's or something like that. I forget the Judith Lieber, Kelly Lieber, Joanna Lieber, whoever it is. It's a designer passport case. I stand corrected. It turns out they were not tchotchkes.
Although to me, they look like they were from Zazzle. But either way, now we know. Now we know the truth.
yeah now we know and you know what now we've said it we're embarrassed so we both apologize because you know i should have known better too i should have been like ben that is judith lieber i know i was like how could i have not known the judith lieber passport holder because girl people love their judith lieber like i've never you know why would i i'm an old navy gay i don't know anything but um i was like wow is it judith light is judith light making these because i've never seen a more famous judith in my life like
Yeah. Crazy. Judith Lieber. Guess what? You're the boss. Don't even anybody ask who's the boss. It's Judith fucking Lieber. That's who's the boss. Yeah.
Fuck you, Ben. It's Judith fucking Lieber. You fucking loser.
Gay people showed up to get Ben's door and literally patted him down to find his gay card, and they took it. Ben's not even allowed to suck wieners anymore. They've taken it away from him.
You guys have really no idea how many messages I got every single day. It'd be like, hey, I was just catching up on Salt Lake City, and that passport holder, it's actually $600. Here's the link. I was like, how does everyone know about it? Did it go viral? Was it a thing? Why do people know about the passport holder? I don't know. But then again, I guess everyone knows different things, right?
It's just so funny that a passport holder landed on so many people's radars.
That's huge. And it's even funnier because no one loves, like, global entry and passport issues more than Ben. Like, honestly. Ben has every kind of entry that you can get into every country. He collects them. He's like, are you in this line? I'm in this line. And he, like, moves his shoulders like this to walk over to the line because he's, like, so proud.
And, like, lines that I've never heard of. So I was shocked that you weren't up on the current glam passport line.
Well, when you have a line, you don't need a glam passport holder, baby. Baby!
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Okay, so let's get on with this. So, um... We're water aerobics. And Whitney's like, it's actually a great workout and retirees love it. So I thought that Angie and Heather would love it too.
This is some good old aqua aerobics shade. So they do. This is what they also did on Orange County last year, I think. Didn't they do some aqua aerobics? So I wonder if it was the same guy. Did they go to Puerto Vallarta last year when they went on the Mexico trip? I don't know.
I keep up with enough. I'm not keeping Puerto Vallarta aerobic passport queens in my brain. I just can't do it.
So they do this, and they're doing aquaerobics, and then we see Whitney's like, Angie has zero rhythm, because they all have to do this alligator thing with her hands, like left, right, left, right. And we see Angie is 100% out of sync. All their hands go up and her hand is down. All their hands go down, her hand is up. It was amazing. It was like me.
It's all Greek to me. So then now they're like, Angie's like, well, you know, the water takes the pressure off. Am I right? Isn't that the whole point of it? And Whitney's like, speaking of pressure, how about Bronwyn last night? Like, I felt bad because it's hard to see one of your friends defeated like that. You know, because we've all been in the. Whitney. What? Finish your sentence.
I wasn't talking. You were.
Speaking of pressure, no, don't start from the beginning.
By the way, that was... Water aerobics is for senior citizens. It is also good for your health of your joints. So I thought Heather and Angie would also like it.
You went too far, too far back, Angie. Come on. I mean, Whitney, Whitney, forward, Whitney, forward. You exploited my vagina. That's too far back.
Water aerobics is good for your joints and senior citizens love it. So I thought Heather and Angie would love it too.
Speaking of pressure. Wow. That water aerobics was good. It was much harder than I thought. Speaking of harder than I thought, God, Bronwyn. Whitney's segue into talking shit. So she's like... Yeah, I felt bad. She, you know, cause we've all been in that position.
And Heather's like, I feel bad for her when she was talking about how the dog bites, all the dog bites and how Todd wouldn't even come to the ER. And then we see them talking about the dog bites and stuff. And apparently, oh yeah, this is the flashback. Lisa's like, so were you in shock or were you screaming or were you crying? Like, what was that like?
Was it like that time I went to Taco Bell and the Diet Coke machine was broken? Oh, the trauma is coming back. Oh.
It was so weird because I had to like drive back with a gigantic styrofoam cup full of ranchero sauce to sip on. It's the only way they can calm me down. So Bronwyn's like, no, I, you know, here's, I called Todd and I told him about the attack and he said, it's probably just a scratch. And so he didn't come. And then when he saw the pictures, he said, oh yeah, that was more than a scratch.
Well, when he saw the gaping wounds and the pools of blood and the festering rabies in my leg, he thought, okay, well, maybe it's not a scratch. And Heather's like, it is not a scratch.
Heather's pretty dramatic for someone who's had an entire body transplant. There's literally these people on Bravo have literally had everything removed and replaced. They're like when you're trying to like check a car and see if it's a lemon before you buy it. And they're like, everything was replaced with Japanese parts. Is that OK? These are these are all parts off of Amazon.
Are you OK with that? And you're like, I'm totally I just need something that drives. You know what I mean? So Heather's saying they're used to healing is what I'm saying. Yes. I'm sorry. I didn't wrap that up, but.
speaking of pressure we're so close to friday like i can't even we're so far we're so close yet so far away from friday always wait can i be unprofessional i need to please what do you think i'm doing over here running for president speak
Speaking of pressure, I need to grab a water bottle. It's just off of camera, so I'm going to step away for three seconds while I grab it. Vamp, vamp, vamp.
Well, guys, Ben is about to get fired, so I'm going to give you Ben's biggest trauma story. Don, don, don. One time, Ben had to go through the passport line with an unglittered passport by Judith Lieber.
It was so embarrassing.
Wait a second. Wait, wait. Aqua aerobics are good for your joints.
Okay, so then end of flashback and we cut back to the pool and Heather's like, they had to show FaceTime video for wounds to get him to come. And like Lisa described their relationship, like he's obsessed with her, but I've not seen that. Like, I think he's kind of mean to her and he dismisses her. And then we see the bat mitzvah flashback where Tal's like, I was trying to be respectful.
And Bronwyn's saying, well, I told her 10 times that if there wasn't an apology, I wasn't interested.
And him saying, well, then why'd you stay? Why didn't you walk away? Geez. I mean, what the hell is going on? If someone didn't want it, you walk to someone else. If someone waves an iPhone in your face, you say, good luck getting lazy fingers from not having to press buttons anymore. You miscreant. And you go to the next door.
If you go to Walgreens and they're out of Werther's, do you stay? No, you go to CVS.
I love that you come back to Werther's so much. You know, I love Werther's originals. I eat them every day of my life. How dare you?
Imagine if there was something called Werther's Fakes. um also by the way there is a delicious irony in todd there's an there's delicious irony in todd ceo of palm pilot talking about like about knowing when to walk away i'm like sir where are the palm pilots where are the palm pilots now yeah uh so um yeah this is pretty crazy you know but they're gonna make this a huge
I mean, yeah, I guess so. I guess it's bad. It's bad that he didn't go to the emergency room. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, that's bad. That's bad. Yeah, that's. Well, look, Todd's an asshole. I mean, Todd is an old grumpy asshole. You know, I'm not going to ever stand up for Todd. I think he's an ass.
So Heather is like, well, I just don't benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry. I tried to give him benefit of the doubt earlier in the season, but it's it's gone. It's gone.
You know, I save that. It's like, you know, it's like when you're checking out at HomeGoods and they're like, would you like to give a little bit of benefit of the doubt to the children of St. Jude's? I'm like, no, not really. You do it.
You're the giant corporation. Marla Thomas and Jennifer Aniston are going to, they were like, Jennifer Aniston's like, I was, I was just about to go to the crappies, but now I'm going to have to back out.
i literally doubt that they're sending that money to those children i don't believe them and also they're a giant corporation how about you donate part of your profits and stay away from me guess who i'm donating to my guest i'm just kidding but i do have a good home good story about that later stay tuned ben okay so um heather is like pressure i don't see the respect and love but i can totally relate because i was in a marriage like that okay
you were not it's not your marriage okay so just we this is not time to start rehashing that old man with that old man in a hot tub your husband is still somewhere in a hot tub alone just waiting for someone to come visit playing every time you mention him i feel sad
He's in a hot tub playing a saxophone, hoping he can... He can tell people he's a California raisin. Yeah, no, it's not the same. Well, whatever. I don't care. I don't know. I actually have no... I don't care. And I don't know why I'm about to just take a stance. I was like, sometimes when you take a stance, I'm like, I'm going to take a stance too. And I was like, I have no idea.
I don't even know why I'm taking a stance. I just... Literally, you could be like, and then she chewed her fingernails. I'd be like, fingernails? What a loser. Who chooses their fingernails anymore? I disagree. I'm just disagreeing just with anything. I don't care.
So she's like, you know, my husband was an asshole to me and I'm supposed to just be lucky because he didn't cheat on me and he wasn't addicted to drugs. So what's my problem? You know, and she's right that that's not that I'm saying that not all that that's all great.
It's just funny because on this show, if one person is like has a problem, then everyone else is like, well, guess what happened to me? And then they start competing with him.
each other so i guess it's kind of normal right in a friend group you know what your husband used to used to your husband was the ceo of palm pilots well guess what my husband had a pilot pen so i know what it's like yeah my if my husband was a pilot he would have he would have taken brigham young somewhere because i am mormon royalty and we drove brigham young around so suck it
So then Heather's talking about how she's so wounded. We're losing our minds. We've lost our minds. Yeah, people should just turn this off, honestly. Yeah, this is, I think, the only show you'll listen to that actively asks you to turn it off while you're listening. Just spare yourself a favor. Here's what's coming up in this recap. More home goods stories.
Okay, so Heather's like, you know, I'm wounded for my marriage because I put myself in the backseat and I pandered to him. And regardless of how I was doing that, I was betraying myself. And so I can't stand dismissive husbands. And I agree with her. You know, that sucks. And it does suck for Bronwyn as well. Now, here's the thing. He's dismissive, but he's extremely wealthy. Yeah.
so sometimes i'm like okay you need to put it on a scale like could he treat her better of course willie probably not is it worth spending ten thousand dollars every outfit and then literally changing outfits every day maybe to some people it is to me it's not but to some people it is but that's still an i'm just saying you know you can't always give the advice leave him because sometimes the advice would lead you to a two-bedroom apartment and i would rather have the clothes
yeah i think i would like to stay in that beetlejuice house and just have fun you know um i think can you imagine all that dog poop in a two-bedroom apartment i mean then you're really sleeping this doesn't work it doesn't work uh by the way when heather says you know in my marriage i put myself on the back seat that now now this whole season makes sense because when she met bronwyn and they were hanging out bronwyn was in the front seat and heather was in the back seat of the car so no wonder why heather was tr was triggered by her the back seat is her trauma space
It all makes sense now.
Great point.
Yeah. She just has to be in the right row.
So they're asking about when Mary's coming and all that stuff. And now they want to go eat. And Andrew's like, we've worked up an appetite, eh? Let us go eat a banana.
i love that that's now that is some real house swipery right there okay like wow i am starving we just worked out i am starving let's have a single banana that we can split three ways and then uh heather's like banana i want french toast and cereal and eggs and sausage and which we know she's not going to eat because she's medicated here here's one thing i want to say um as someone who's also medicated i read a headline the other day
That Heather was quitting Ozempic because she was sick of being body shamed and everybody commenting on her body and giving her shit online. You guys cut that bullshit out. Just cut it out. It's enough now. It's been years of this shit. You don't understand what it's like being bigger and you don't understand what it's like having something that can help you.
Just shut the fuck up if you're not suffering from it.
it and leave everybody alone stop bullying everybody for like that you don't like body shaming but it's okay when it's on your terms and you can do when you're offended about something but you know what some of us need this and it really helps it's like life changing in a way you don't even understand and that's fine you can not like it but stop bullying people about it it's just mean and it's stupid and you look stupid and ignorant at this point i'm so over it
And it's been this thing that's been like, okay, for now, what, a year that people have been doing this ever since we, well, it's longer than that since we started it. And it's just like, be quiet. Just leave people alone. You don't understand the mental shit you put people through when you do that. Stop, be nicer. For Christ's sake. If you need to take it, then you take it.
For Christ's sake, stop listening. Because they're going to shame you when you're fat and they're going to shame you when you're thin. They're going to shame you when you eat too much. They're going to shame you when you don't eat enough. They're going to shame you, shame you, shame you. So shame on them. Fuck them. That's what you need to do. Just say fuck them.
Fuck them.
Yeah. Girl. Yeah. That's a great point.
Yeah.
That's a great point. I'm going to put my little rock pellets out and you all can just leave me alone. Shame people for their actions.
Shame them for their actions. Yes. Okay. So now everyone is... All the girls, they're going out to a patio and there's gifts. And Lisa's like, Hi! Is everyone ready for yacht day? Here's some Vita bags. They have your names on them. So then Bronwyn, she gives...
them all a tote bag a canvas a nice canvas tote bag with stuff in it and Bronwyn's like obviously Lisa thinks I'm too bougie to function and I'm spoiled so like the grateful guest I am I will accept this gift but you know I'm also wondering I mean who would use a canvas bag am I right like okay Bronwyn This is not the hill to die on.
I think this is like, she's trying to be like, what a ridiculous, like, I'll be grateful for this totally unusable, lacking in function gift. I'm like, and she's like, what would you use a canvas bag for? Even the producer's like, do you go grocery shopping? She's like, no. I mean, what do you, what do you, do you put this on your head?
What do you use a canvas tote for? Who would ever use a tote?
literally in the same sentence that she's like mad that someone's calling her bougie and spoiled she's acting like this about a canvas bag that 99 of us use
It's actually the most useful gift we've ever seen on any Housewives show. On a franchise where, like, every gift is some strain. It's like a lotion that no one's ever going to use or some tchotchke jewelry or whatever. Like, a tote bag is an actively useful gift. I want to beat a tote bag. And Bronwyn is like, what do you even use this for?
and also it's a good toe bag because yes it is branded which is tacky but it says vita tequila and that means tequila life to anybody to anybody who speaks the language so i think it works even if you don't know what the brand is it's like yes you're living that tequila life baby so you know whatever that brand i love i love tote bags i have too many and i just want more and more and more yeah i'm not saying i'm not just not taking away joy
yeah i'm not trying to get a free vita tequila tote bag i'm just trying to send it to you so why not she's already she already owes about seven hundred thousand dollars to various vendors i'm sure she's got some of those lying around
i mean i still have my bottle of vita tequila that i drink from every now and then so i need the tote bag to go with it lisa god lisa get on the ball lisa you're really slacking over there okay so then um bronwyn yeah does her thing okay so now they pack into the uh sprinter van and uh they're joking around about how bronwyn's chairs
reclining back and they're like shaking her chair and then meredith just leans against the back seat and closes her eyes and just does a little thing
almost drove off a cliff so she's counting iconic lines as she goes to sleep whitney whitney of course is so obnoxious because meredith is clearly mapping so when he's like meredith meredith are you okay I'm just closing my eyes. I didn't sleep very well. Maybe you noticed that when most people close their eyes, they're trying to nap. But thanks a lot for waking me up.
Speaking of pressure. So then Brittany is like, well, I'm not surprised that Meredith is exhausted today. And then we see a flashback where Heather is talking to Brittany. And Heather's like, how are things this morning? And then Brittany's like, well, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of Meredith crying and throwing up. Dun, dun, dun. Oh, she was definitely exhausted.
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And then the girls get to a boat and it's called the best day. So they love that. And I'm like, oh my God, cheers to the best day ever. And they start dancing and Bronwyn won't dance. So they all dance for Bronwyn and it's awkward. It's as awkward and crackery as we would think. And then, let's see, Bronwyn's like, you know, who cares?
So then they start talking about summer plans and stuff like that.
So Lisa's like, last year we went on an amazing trip and it was Jack's last trip for us. Wait, hold on. Okay, it's over. And then, you know, all the focus is on little baby Henry. Oh, my God, baby gorgeous. You know, he loves it. He, like, goes on little dates with me and John. Like, he'll go out to dinner with me. And then John will take him to do something sporty.
And then I'll drive him to school. And then I'll have lunch with him in the school cafeteria. And then I'll show up at P.E. and carry him on my shoulders and say, Stop that and take away the bar from Henry!
you know at the beginning of the year it's been a very challenging year for henry um in the beginning i feel like he like didn't want to make friends and he like wasn't trying to make friends but then after being forced to go on several mini dates with me and john he was like oh my god i need a social life so it all worked out in the end yeah it's not his friends like i'll drop him off at the movies and i'll meet his friend john
Or like, he'll just say, Mom, I'm going to dinner. And then he goes to dinner with his friends, John and Lisa. You know, he's having a great time.
Yeah. And we just like love him. We're like doting on him. He's like, and how about all of his cologne collection? Oh yeah. He's up to 15 colognes. I was like, something's going on with the collections on this show between the Starbucks cups and the colognes. I don't know. We got to check in on Salt Lake City. Let's get some better collections.
That's a collecting culture. And Heather's like, oh my God, what about the way he says Jean Paul Gaultier? And she's like, oh my God, he says it with like a French accent.
I'm like, how do you know?
Brittany goes, and so she's, by the way, we're, this is actually kind of nice because Henry was having issues, you know, like I still think that story about no one coming to his birthday party is so heartbreaking. And so, and I know it was like, okay, invitations were sent out late, but it's still really sad. And it makes me, it does, does make me happy.
And this is like, this is actually a nice moment for Lisa. And then Brittany just pushes forward and she goes, oh, you guys this is so unsupportive because like last night i gave you a story about olivia and then it was like a really big deal and then it was just like crickets and they're all like who's olivia
When she was like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, guys, my daughter is finally talking to me. Well, Jared's not, so I called my daughter back for once. So that was, so then Lisa's like, wait, what? She goes, you know, last night when I was making that announcement, I was like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, remember?
My daughter's finally talking to me after six months, literal crickets, guys.
And Bronwyn is like, well, let me give that a little nod. And I was like, the difference is I know Henry and I see him. He's a real person to me. I don't know who Olivia is. I mean, are you just talking about scandal? Because knowing you, you could just be talking about scandal.
Are you talking about Rudy's replacement on the Cosby show? Because she wasn't as cute. Are we allowed to say that now as enough time passed?
Are you talking...
Was that her name, Olivia? Is that in my head? I'm going to put Rudy's replacement. What if I got that wrong? Are you talking about the mom from The Sopranos? Now, that would have been a cute replacement for Rudy.
Hi, Ma. It's like, you know, wait. This is my daughter, Olivia.
Can you call yourself a doctor, please? I've seen better doctors on Bugs Bunny. Ma.
Uh, so Brittany is like, yeah, but like, you know me, this group isn't very supportive of me.
And I feel, I feel like, well, we weren't even talking about you. Uh, we were talking about Lisa's son.
I know, but like last night when I made the announcement, remember that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that was really hard.
Yeah, she didn't replace Rudy, by the way. She just came on after Rudy. You guys, I'm falling down a Cosby show rabbit hole.
Are you talking about What's-Her-Face?
Olivia.
Raven-Symoné? That's Raven, right? Is it? Raven-Symoné?
I don't remember. Yeah, hold on. Cosby. I don't want to say it wrong. You know what I mean? I was young when that show came out. You don't want to have a Judith Lieber moment. I get it. Do you remember when Olivia came out with Passports with jewels on them? There was an episode called The Cosby Show, Olivia Comes Out of the Closet. What the hell? You know what sitcom titles in the 80s, I can't.
Yeah, Olivia Simone Kendall is a character in The Cosby Show. She's Denise Huxtable's precocious stepdaughter. Why doesn't it say that in big bold letters right at the beginning? Okay, Raven-Symoné, wow.
literally says it in big bold isn't that so funny that like i know i totally know who raven simone is i didn't know she was famous from that i just thought she was famous from that so raven that's when that was like uh yeah okay so who's cuter raven i just live here already
I just want to show you the big bold letters on my screen. You're like, why don't we have it in big bold letters? It's literally big bold letters. It's on screen. Crap is on demand. Sorry.
No, you're such a liar. Okay, I don't believe you're Google. No, I'm going to share you what I see on my Google so then I can look smart. I'm a screen sharer now. Who do you think is a screen sharer in this family? Me. I'm the screen sharer, so I'm going to show you right now. That's my wiener. Sorry, everybody. Okay, do you see my screen?
This is what... Wait, am I showing you... It's like an infinite loop on... Literally nobody cares. Are you guys still listening to this recap? I warned you not to. Why are you still here? Okay, look.
Here's mine.
Wait, do you want to? Do you see it? Okay. Look, it just says all this stuff. It's like Cosby Show. This is who Olivia Kendall is. Cosby Show. Olivia comes out of the closet. Nowhere does it say Raven-Symoné. I feel like she should sue Google. Oh, played by Raven-Symoné right here. Okay, whatever. It's small. It's small, bold letters. Whatever, you guys. Get off my ass, okay? Judith Lieber.
Ben, you don't know who Judith Lieber is.
You know what? Can I tell you something? Wait, look at this picture of Raven-Symoné. This is actually kind of an amazing thing right here. I'm bringing it up right now. Present. Here it is. Oh, wait, it's Judith Lieber, everyone. Judith Lieber. That's so Judith.
That's so Judith. Okay. Back to the show. Okay, so Brittany's like, yeah, I mean, come on, guys. No one's paying attention to me. And they're like, we don't even know your kid, you know? And she goes, yeah, and we weren't even talking about you. We were talking about Lisa's son.
And she's like, well, I know, but last night when I made the announcement, and Angie's like, not to be rude, but we were just like in this moment about Henry and colognes and him being an only, and now you turned it onto you.
And she's like, well, my feelings were hurt.
And Lucy goes, Brittany, Brittany, Brittany, I want to tell you something. What? It's weird.
It's weird.
It's weird, Brittany.
No, but like, I give you good news about Jared and me, and I give you good news about my daughters, and it feels like none of you are supportive with the good things in my life. I mean, that's a really, really big deal for me. Have you ever seen the blue corn moon? No?
and britney nobody likes you and your stories are thirsty and attention grabbing and all you're trying to do is get attention you're a terrible person okay you're not even really dating that guy and your kids don't like you because you choose men over them okay you're a terrible mother and you're not a nice person so be quiet over there and stop dinging your goddamn glass okay jesus christ
Britney just is. She's just so clunky with her housewifery that she just doesn't realize how clunky she is. And the bar is low on this show. Again, we have Whitney Rose. Speaking of pressure, and if you can't even get up to Whitney's level of clunky, Whitney is base level clunkiness. The base amount of clunkiness you're allowed to have in order to do, like, have acceptable housewife moments.
Put in the work.
Ariel flopped around less. So Bronwyn's like, do you like the idea of telling us you have an announcement or do you just like the idea of seeing your daughter? And it's, which by the way, so good is so rude, but also so spot on of an analysis because all thinking that Brittany's always just trying to come up with an announcement to get congratulations.
Mm-hmm. So Brittany is like, Bronwyn, you are a fucking bitch. And Bronwyn's like, well, do you have anything else to say? She's like, I mean, why are you such a troublemaker? She's like, oh, no, I'm looking at Lisa.
I'm looking at you, Lisa.
Oh, you, Lisa. She goes, I'm looking at you, Lisa, because she's not even going to let Brittany have this fight. She's like, we're not even going to fight with you. Now I'm going to fight with Lisa because you called me a fucking bitch and Lisa's not standing up for me.
so she's like it turns out this was actually all a ploy this was all a ploy to make uh lisa fall into a trap like will lisa defend me right now she's like let me let me push britney to the edge that way britney says something mean about me now let's see if lisa defends me
Yeah. So then, by the way, she does not defend Lisa. This is such crap. This is another lie at Bronwyn's that she's constantly defending Lisa. That is not true. She's very lightly been like, I don't have that experience with her. But she's never been like, don't speak to my friend like that. Don't speak about my friend like that.
When everybody's coming at Lisa, which is every single episode, she's not like, you stop talking to Lisa like that. Liar, liar, liar. So then she's like, Lisa, we've been friends for 10 years and you have let this woman call me a gold digger, a trophy wife, a fucking bitch, a dumb bitch.
Sorry, I got tangled in my carpet. So did Lisa.
Lisa's like, ah, I let her do it. What? So Lisa's like, wait, what did I let her do? Wait, I'm not responsible for defending. So Lisa first is shocked, but then she's like, oh, I'm fighting now. Okay, sure.
I'm not responsible for what other people say. I'm not responsible for what other people say.
Meanwhile, the first three seasons of this show was a round robin of people accusing other people of not having the back. I'm your ride or die. I will ride or die. You're not being ride or die for me. I'm your ride or die. You've got to be ride or die.
Like, this whole show was built on complaining about other people not having each other's backs, so then Lisa being surprised that Bronwyn's just gonna enter the fray and pull, like, the standard Salt Lake City card, and she's like, wait, why?
Because, although, on the other hand, the whiplash or the pivot from, like, nice scene talking about Henry to all of a sudden Lisa has done something terribly wrong and she didn't even realize, it's pretty funny.
I have to say, you know, I think this is why Bronwyn falls a little flat with me is because this has been every season of this show. And I think that she's watched every season of this show and she's just pulling storylines that it's just like we've already seen it. Like we don't need your version of it. And it's ridiculous. It just doesn't make any sense.
So, Lisa, in my humble, ever so humble opinion. So she was like, you and I had a private conversation when I have said to you, I feel vulnerable and I feel alone. And I have said to you multiple times, I've taken you aside by myself. And I've said that this is bullshit, but I've stuck up for you. I was like, oh, of course you have Lisa. And then Lisa's like, dude, I'm fucking exhausted with you.
Like, I'm just like. I don't think she spoke for a lot of us. I was like, you're too, like, just be quiet. Can we just have one day of you not being offended? Just one hour of you not being offended by something.
I'm trying to be a great friend to you and there's like nothing good enough because except when I tell you that I don't feel close to you and you don't
fucking care lisa braun lisa tells us braun you're a big girl i don't know why every time you're in a fight with someone i have to be in a fight with them too i don't expect you to be in fights with everyone that i'm in fights with or trust me you would have no friends and then she smiles at the camera like bitch meanwhile fast forward to angie and meredith at the end of the episode and lisa jumping in on meredith's behalf so she's like i don't understand what i have to if you're fighting with someone why do i have to be involved and later on she like happily inserts herself
yeah well but she's earned it too meredith and have lisa meredith and lisa have been through more of the fire and this girl bronwyn is constantly you like whether you like or not like brahman and i know to lisa most to most people lisa is the villain you know and i wouldn't even disagree a lot of the times but bronwyn has
clearly been all over lisa this whole like she's been finding a reason to fight with lisa and turn everyone against lisa every episode this season so the fact that she's like how dare you i thought we were closer than this what are you talking about you've made yourself a victim like you're throwing yourself in front of lisa's car every episode just get out of the crosswalk ma'am eventually someone's just gonna drive over you you know cars are very strong a lot of people have been saying that lisa's been getting the villain at this season i don't know
I don't know if there is a villain this season. I think they're all just, they're all just stepping up to the plate, going after each other. They like do their time and then someone else comes up. So I don't know. I'm not getting villain. I think Lisa is just being Lisa.
Yeah. But most, most people, I shouldn't say most people, what do I know? But a lot of people are driven crazy by that, you know, cause, but that's why I love it.
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