The Jordan Harbinger Show
1162: Calculating Courtesan Craves Close Connection | Feedback Friday
Fri, 30 May 2025
Machiavelli guides your relationships, sex work funds your freedom, but loneliness looms. Can calculating hearts learn to love? Welcome to Feedback Friday!And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [email protected]. Now let's dive in!Jordan's must reads (including books from this episode): AcceleratEdFull show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1162On This Week's Feedback Friday:Shiatsu on my shoulder makes me happy.What makes the difference between a storyteller and a snoreyteller?You're a trans woman with Machiavellian traits who craves intimacy but views relationships as cost-benefit transactions. After escaping an unhappy marriage, you're working at a brothel while running a business in rural Asia. Can someone who treats people like "toys" ever find genuine connection?Remember that emotional affair with your coworker Bob while you had a boyfriend in episode 1037? Well, life just served up a delicious plot twist: you landed your dream job only to discover you're now working directly with Bob's girlfriend. She wants to be best friends. What could possibly go wrong?You're a federal power plant operator facing potential job cuts under the new administration. They're offering a resignation package with continued pay through September, but there's a job opportunity in NYC. Do you hedge your bets or roll the dice on government stability? [Thanks to federal employment lawyer Justin Schnitzer for helping us with this one!]Recommendation of the Week: WayfindersGabe attended a two-day dance workshop involving forced vulnerability exercises, portal-walking declarations, and receiving roses for sharing your "truth." He proclaimed "I am available" and felt like he failed at emotional openness. Did the workshop miss the mark, or was he too defended to benefit?Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [email protected]!Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi.And if you're still game to support us, please leave a review here — even one sentence helps! Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!Subscribe to our once-a-week Wee Bit Wiser newsletter today and start filling your Wednesdays with wisdom!Do you even Reddit, bro? Join us at r/JordanHarbinger!This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors:DeleteMe: 20% off: joindeleteme.com/jordan, code JORDANOura Ring: 10% off: ouraring.com/jordanShopify: 3 months @ $1/month (select plans): shopify.com/jordanNordVPN: Exclusive deal: nordvpn.com/jordanharbingerLand Rover Defender: landroverusa.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: What is the main theme of Feedback Friday?
Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the co-captain keeping an eye on the skies while we put this aircraft of life drama on dues control, Gabriel Mizrahi. Nice. Are we free to walk about the cabin now?
Yeah, you can go stretch your quads or do some yoga by the first class lavatory. I am that guy, actually, on long haul flights. I am the guy who's like in the back of the plane by the lavatory. I won't do down dogs. It's gross to put your hand on those boards.
Gross, yeah.
But, you know, I'm like stretching against the wall while the flight attendants are checking their phones on their break. It's the only way to get through a flight.
It really is. You know, I have to say, you ever see somebody go into the, have we talked about this? They go into the lavatory wearing their socks and you're just like, you disgusting bastard.
Oh, of course we've talked about that. But are we going to talk about the fact that you pronounce it lavatory? Yeah.
Did I say lavatory? The lavatory? That seems like how I used to talk.
My dear friend and co-host loves to say lavatory and grandios. Grandios. Lavalier? Like he's a member of the upper crust in like Imperial Britain. What are you talking about?
This podcast is really the Queen's English is the only acceptable vernacular. Vernacular.
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Chapter 2: How can someone with Machiavellian traits find genuine connection?
That means she was a man and she transitioned to being a woman and she dates or whatever women, right?
That's right. Yep. Okay. So she goes on. I crave intimacy, but I view relationships as transactional. If the emotional or financial cost outweighs the benefit, I walk away without a second thought. I've been doing this since high school with friends, family, and romantic partners. Since childhood, I've always valued my freedom and way of doing things. I loathe compromising my routines or my logic.
I also absolutely hate the rituals of dating, wasting time and money on things that I feel don't matter. Deep down, I suspect I'm not capable of loving someone just for who they are. I need a reason to like someone. As a result, I've maintained almost no deep meaningful relationships in my life.
Wow, okay. Well, I appreciate your candor. It's good to know yourself this well, I think. We'll get into all this, I'm sure.
While married, I began visiting legal brothels with my wife's consent as she, quote, "...wanted to prioritize her career over our relationship but didn't want to lose me," unquote. I enjoyed those encounters so much that I started working at one part-time myself. It suits my personality.
I treat encounters like a game, reading people, strategizing, and getting as much money as I can from my quote-unquote toys. It satisfies my need for intimacy and dominance and gives me nice extra income with little effort. Unfortunately, the clients are all men, which limits my enjoyment, but still, I find it genuinely fun and extremely empowering.
Wow, fascinating. The toys thing is a little dark, though. That's fascinating, though.
The issue is, I still want an intimate connection with someone I am attracted to. but my circumstances make that nearly impossible. The only things I have going for me are a profitable business, good health, and above average natural good looks. My business is located here, so I can't move unless I start over from scratch, which is too risky.
I should quit my undercover, but legal, sex work as well, because if it were discovered, it could devastate my business. I've dated a couple people since my divorce, but end things as soon as I feel the benefits do not match the costs.
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Chapter 3: What should I do if I run into my ex's new partner at work?
Okay. Well, now that that fell apart, the other thing to keep in mind is if she ever did find out, you don't know exactly how she'd react. You're imagining the worst case scenario that she'd blame you for not telling her that she'd feel totally betrayed, which I get. And I think she might. I mean, you're her friend, but I think Bob would really get the brunt of this. He's her boyfriend.
He's the one who got involved with you. And yeah, she might have some choice words for you. She might be angry and hurt. You guys might have to talk about that, but who knows? Maybe she'd see the difficult position you were put in here through no fault of your, well, through mostly no fault of your own and forgive you.
Maybe she wouldn't be that mad when she learns this is a brief flirtation that didn't escalate to anything physical. And it, you know, it was in the past or she's going to be freaking mad and it'll be a little rough, but it won't be the end of the world. And you guys will either work through it somehow or stay away from each other and just be professionals.
Yes. And how you talk to her, if that ever does come to pass and the way you handle this whole thing, that's going to play a big role in the outcome, too.
Exactly. You just don't know how this will go. So I would keep an eye on the tendency to imagine the absolute worst case scenario with no evidence. I mean, I can relate. That is my favorite hobby. But I don't think you need to necessarily do that now. You said that you're not going to tell Mimi anything about Bob. It's not your place. Your mind is made up there. I think that's probably right.
I do think he definitely has more of a responsibility to tell her, especially given that your emotional situationship with Bob never really blossomed into a full-fledged affair, which would change the equation for me a little bit. But let's be clear. If you've decided that the right thing is definitely to not tell Mimi, then you're also choosing to stay in this awkward position.
in which case it really is on you to make peace with that, except that some difficult conversations might result down the line and forgive yourself preemptively. It sucks, but you gotta be willing to live with the consequences, which again, are largely not your fault at this point.
Now, that might not stop you from hating yourself, but it might help you not to feel like such a POS for staying quiet. And that's another thing. You said you're lying to Mimi, I get it, you're lying by omission, but given the circumstances here, I think that's a different category of lie. If she came to you like, did you have an emotional thing with Bob and hang out with his kids?
And you were like, what? No, that's a lie. That's a bald face lie. What you're doing here is just not sharing a story that you feel is primarily not yours to share. I'm not saying it's not dicey, but I don't think these two things are equivalent. So in my view, you are way less of a monster than you maybe feel right now. But Gabe, I don't know. Now I'm going to stress her out again.
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Chapter 4: How can I navigate feelings of guilt in a complicated relationship?
We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. By the way, our newsletter is just a huge hit with you all. I love writing it. It's a lot of fun to see your feedback. It's delivered most Wednesdays. It's a two minute read, a lot of wisdom from our episodes that you can apply to your life. I invite you all to come check it out. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news.
All right, what's next?
Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a federal employee, and less than a year ago, I started a job as a power plant operator. Since this administration came in, they've been slashing jobs left and right. It's now a possibility that I'm on the chopping block as well, even as a critical component of our power grid.
Which sucks, because federal power plants are the most sought-after jobs in this industry, and my military service time counts toward retirement there. My agency has offered me a resignation package that would continue to pay my salary until September of this year. They would also allow me to work a new job at the same time.
Meanwhile, a power plant in New York City has expressed interest in me and is just waiting to see if I take this fork in the road. If I take this resignation package, I'll have to sell my home and move my wife and myself across the country. If I don't take it, there's a chance that I would be let go anyway. Are there any legal options or implications I should be considering here?
What would you do? Hedge your bets, move and collect double paychecks for six months, or stick around and take your chances as a federal employee? Signed, a doge dodging dude deciding what to do when I haven't got a clue which move is the most shrewd.
Yeah, good question. It's a tough one, man. A lot of uncertainty here. We're hearing from a lot of federal employees these days who are in your shoes with Doge and all that, and they're all asking similar questions. I'm sorry you're going through it. I know the stress must be doing a number on you, but you're also in a better position than most, and this could work out well.
We wanted to run all this by an expert, so we reached out to Justin Schnitzer, managing partner of Federal Law, a law firm specializing in federal employment cases. And the first thing Justin wanted you to know was that you're probably in a high priority area of the government, so there's a strong chance you're unlikely to get cut.
In his view, it seems like the government needs people like you for national infrastructure.
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Chapter 5: Is it possible to maintain independence while seeking intimacy?
Yeah, it sounds like it. Was it fun, though? I mean, what is what's the deal?
I have to tell you about this experience because I can't stop thinking about it. So I don't know. I think, you know, that several months ago I started going to these like I don't know what to call them. It's not a dance class where you're like in front of a mirror with choreography. It's more just kind of like a dance party. OK, led by a fairly well-known dance instructor who's. Her name is Kate.
She's from London. She's wonderful, very unusual, very special person. She does this cool class that's like it's a mix of open ended dancing, moving meditation. And then she has a microphone where she's kind of like doing an improvised sermon while you're dancing. Almost. One of my biggest fears until recently was dancing in front of other people, especially in the daytime.
Sober, completely sober, which, you know, like I don't really drink, so there's not much of an opportunity to cut loose or whatever. Sure. One of these dance classes got me over that like in 30 minutes. Really? Yeah. It kind of cured me of it, which has been really weirdly therapeutic and very fun. So my friend Itai is the one who started inviting me.
And recently he told me that she was doing the same thing, but it was going to be a two day workshop from like 11 to five. So it was going to be some dancing, but it was also going to be exercises and meditations, like a whole thing. Yeah. And the theme of this weekend was zero. It was like the organizing principle was like emptiness and fullness. I didn't fully understand it, but sure.
Anyway, we get there. I've been to the studio a bunch of times. I know a lot of the people, but it was different this time. And when we arrived...
in the center of the room was a huge circle like a massive hula hoop kind of okay and when we started dancing she started playing music and everyone's just doing their thing everyone is invited to dance around the void or jump into the void or just like contemplate the void but um i was having a really rough day that day i injured my knee really badly a few days before and as you know i have like a to-do list a mile long for the big move and i'm in a room full of people who are like
These people, Jordan, are the opposite of you and me in terms of just like they're kind of like grown up theater kids.
I can see them being the opposite of me, but you are also there.
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Chapter 6: What does it mean to balance autonomy and connection?
A rose just for like maximum embarrassment.
I know. I was like, what is this, The Bachelor? Just let me say my stupid little catchphrase and dissociate in the corner in peace just to reflect on all of my poor choices leading up to this moment. I don't need a Valentine's Day gift for phoning it in. Yeah. It was sweet, but it just made the whole thing worse for me.
There's also something about being handed a red rose as a man. I know I have antiquated gender ideals or whatever, but I can't explain why. It's just vaguely humiliating somehow. I don't know. I get that.
It's weird, though. We should be able to enjoy pretty things as men, but you just feel ridiculous holding flowers as a man. Sure. Unless you're an actor in a play or something. And even then I would feel weird.
Well, also, didn't the definitely not gay fascist Indian guy hand some flowers to the super openly gay ballerina on the date that they actually. You didn't have any problem with the flowers. No, he had no problem with it. Maybe we should learn something from him. That was a few months ago on Feedback Friday, for those of you who don't catch the reference.
Okay, so if you're an actor, though, you would have loved this workshop, which is why this stuff happens in LA.
That's true. That's true. I'm not an actor, so that might explain it. So again, though, this is the reason I wanted to tell you about this, is that most of the participants seem to be having these very real, intense experiences. Like I said, they're laughing, they're crying, people are shouting, and I'm just standing there. I'm like, am I being punked or something? Like, I'm so confused.
Why are you guys able to do this so easily? Did this workshop start a week ago and I missed the first six days?
Right. I know what you mean. Yeah.
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