Do you think Jerry Jones knew his role on Landman was a scripted show or did he believe it was a documentary? Dan, Amin, and Hawk discuss the dollar store and whether or not it's appropriate to still call it the dollar store in the midst of inflation causing prices to go above a dollar. Then, Dwyane Wade announced he had 40 percent of his kidney removed due to a cancerous tumor in 2023, and it leads the crew to a conversation on checking in with the doctor and, ultimately, the interesting position athletes are put in with pain management. Plus, the greatest play of Hawk's career, a walk-off home run call for a home run that was NOT a walk-off, and Chris Cote's Jay Gruden impression. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Welcome to the Big Suey, presented by DraftKings. Why are you listening to this show? The podcast that seems very similar to the other Dan Levitard podcast. I'm sorry, I'm not going to apologize for that. In fact, the only difference seems to be this imaging.
I have been tempted in restaurants just walking past tables to grab somebody's fries if they're just there.
That hasn't happened to you guys? I've done it. And now, here's the marching man to nowhere, fat face, and the habitual liar.
This episode of the Dan Lebitard Show with Stu Gatz is presented by DraftKings. DraftKings, the crown is yours.
There's a very low percentage of this that is smiles and glory holes. Very low percentage.
Closed his eyes, made a wish. Still McCarthy said goodbye. Is Schottenheimer Jerry's guy? We're gonna contemplate all through the night. Chance of smiles. There's a guy Chicago can't.
But behind him we will stand All of the hope he'll bring If he's up to the task I'll take Iberflues Yeah, he's got the juice Get the defense right Glory hole is in sight I'll take Iberflues But if we still lose Then it's ear, nose, and throat Time at doctor's school
I have during this show an assortment of voices in my head already because I'm crazy, but also voices in my head because this is a bit of a control station. And Louis, three notes into that song, said my glory hole song was better. Where is Lewis's glory hole song?
No, he was just running around singing popular from Wiccan. Glory holes, a song about glory holes.
And that is where the appropriate line stopped from his song. It got very inappropriate from there. So that is why we have not gotten to that. But it was great.
Okay, but inappropriate is okay. Inappropriate is also funny. Inappropriate, we like to get a little close to inappropriate. I don't think all comedy is appropriate.
Yeah. Workplace in a... I don't know. It's a fine line, Dan. I mean, you're toying with it, brother. Glory holes at work? Eh. I don't like it for Metal Ark. I don't like it for the Dallas Cowboys. I'll be honest with you.
What are we doing? Why are we making this? Look, the man made his fortune as a land man. You guys saw the show. All he wants to do is hang out with his family. Looking for glory holes. Glory holes. That's all it's about? It's about family. And glory holes.
Not what I looked up on the internet. That's not his fault. None of it was about family. Are you uncomfortable right now? About glory holes? Yes. Am I uncomfortable? Because we're talking about glory holes.
Glory holes.
Jerry Jones was talking about them.
Yeah.
And you're like, it's okay to be inappropriate. What? He wasn't being inappropriate. He was talking about glory holes like a land man, though. Glory holes.
Hawk doesn't know what you're talking about. You don't know Landman? Landman? There's an actual definition for glory holes. It's not the other one.
Landman is a television show.
I'm sure that's why we did this song. I'm positive that's why we're still on this bit.
It's because we're talking about one bit. Landman is a television show on the Paramount Plus Network, right? Okay. And it's Billy Bob Thornton. It's Jon Hamm. It's about the people in the oil industry in Texas, right? Okay, go on. And so one of the episodes has a cameo by Jerry Jones, who, of course, made his nut in the oil business, right?
And is that an oil term, too? Made his nut? Yeah, is that like a... Is there a definition there, Mike? An official for nut? Made his nut? Yes, to come. Okay, go ahead.
Thank you.
We'll ask Andrew Zimmern about that later in the show. So he does this, right? He comes in and he gives this great speech to Jon Hamm, whose character is in the hospital. He had a heart attack. He's got the beep, the defibrillator and all that stuff happening in the background.
It's great acting.
By Jerry Jones. Great acting. In a room with Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Hamm. Jerry Jones is the best actor in the room. Did he know that it was a show? I don't think so.
I think he thought it was a documentary. Did they think that that person was really on his deathbed and he was just giving some words of wisdom and they were like, keep the cameras rolling. Land man to land man.
They totally tricked him.
Yeah, I mean. And so he talks about what this business is all about. It's about your family. I didn't buy the Dallas Cowboys for anything else. I wanted to work with my kids. I want to surround myself with my kids for the rest of my life. This is acting.
This is acting. That sounds a lot like Jerry Jones' real life. He was playing himself.
Let's get that clip.
Congratulations.
It's amazing enough acting that it is worth re-exploring even though it's two minutes long because it's not short, this clip with Jerry Jones. But I do want to show Andrew how well acted this is. Okay. Please find that at your earliest convenience. I know, Chris, that I have you spinning a lot of plates today. You will forgive me.
I don't know how you've recovered from the arduous first few minutes before the show when you were having your elbows lotioned by the makeup person, something I have never seen before in my history in this business.
I mean, I didn't know I needed it. But apparently this week it's been a thing with Jessie, our lovely makeup artist. She told us that, hey guys, the elbows, not great.
I can't believe this is a company of dry elbows. She does it all. To Americas. Because there's not a single day that a black person doesn't have to lotion their elbows.
I've never done it before. Before today.
Black people lotion their elbows daily. Roy, have you ever had anyone at work tell you that your elbows need lotion?
I wear long sleeves. There you go. Dan's had Lubriderm CQ behind his desk for 20 years.
I apply it myself, though. I've never had anyone apply it for me.
You're a long-sleeved man.
Andrew, can you tell me whether a makeup person has ever lotioned your elbows for you? Because I do view that as a luxury I have not seen in the vanity industry before. When I looked up and our executive producer was sitting in that seat with his elbows up, just allowing himself to be lotioned.
And again, I don't think... No, the answer is just very plainly, no one's ever lotioned my elbows. But then again, to me, that would be like, has anybody ever brushed your teeth? Because that's how a part of my daily routine, lotioning my elbows is. I mean, a dentist, right? No, they've never been like, hey, let me brush your teeth. Absolutely not.
Teeth cleaning. They never do the pass with the mechanical brush at the very end? The fluoride?
A little bit of the fluoride at the end just to give you a nice touch at the end?
Hog grabs it and says, I'll take care of that. He brushes my teeth. Does it himself. It's like jail rules, man. You never let somebody brush your teeth.
Never let a man brush your teeth, bro. Put it on the poll, are jail rules that you never let another man brush your teeth? I heard you in the other room talking about both being in the dollar store and then thereafter you said something about your teeth. Were those two things connected?
Yeah, so I was biting my fingernail right before I went on air at ESPN, and my veneer cracked. I have a veneer, and it cracked in half, and I panicked, and I went to go. There was a Dollar General right by the ESPN studio. Aye, aye, Captain. And I went to go get some super glue, and I'm like, hmm, this might not be smart. I should Google whether I should put super glue in my mouth.
And ChatGPT said no. Again, at the time, I didn't know it was racially biased, so I didn't go too much deeper. But then I said, you know what? Let me see about Denture Bond. And so I got some denture bond, bonded that thing on. For a dollar? For, yeah, a dollar. It was a dollar. It was one of the very few items at the dollar store that are actually one dollar. What is that about?
It's wrong. What have you done? It's immoral. Inflation. It's unethical. Change the name?
Yes. Two dollar store. Couple dollar general.
Make it then. Two dollar general. Two dollar.
the name of your store then sorry about inflation it's more than a dollar but don't tell me it's a dollar store and then just generally lie to me about i can't get anything in here for a dollar sorry about inflation general i don't think that that rolls off the tongue understood but don't lie to me yeah do you ever worry about the quality of the dollar store product
No, because nowadays they have the same products as everywhere else.
They do, but... It's more of like... I'm still a little skeptical. I look at it, and it's a brand name, but I'm like, you're in a dollar store, though.
I mean, when you grow up in places like Johnstown, Pennsylvania, population of 17,000, the Dollar General is not looked at the same way the Dollar General is in other bigger metropolitan areas.
Let me just explain to everybody. I love a dollar store, but not in this incarnation. Hold on.
Yeah.
Look, there are plenty of people who do their shopping because they enjoy the bargain, and it's not just about buying the thing. It's about getting it at a good price. You cannot make it a dollar store if you stop charging a dollar. It ceases to be. I don't want to go into a dollar store anymore if you're going to charge me anything that costs more than a dollar. I'll buy it.
Dan, when was the last time you went to a dollar store? I went two months ago.
What'd you get?
I got an assortment of stickers, temporary tattoos for something that we're trying to do around here.
I opened my third Dollar General in an impoverished neighborhood because money is king.
And I told the people there who were frustrated with previous dollar stores that I will keep my prices at a dollar.
It's my whole platform. You walked in with a cigar and a monocle.
You guys make fun of me.
This is the perfect location, see?
He was recently in a dollar store. Do you guys not like a dollar store? No one here likes the dollar store?
I love the dollar store. Okay, we got two. I haven't been to the dollar store in a bit, but I used to go with my grandma all the time, and it was specifically for the reason you mentioned, Dan, which was she loved a bargain.
Yes, man. And, you know, a dollar isn't what it used to be. So it's tough to even trust anything that's a dollar nowadays, to be honest. If everything actually cost a dollar... you probably wouldn't go.
We used to play bingo against each other with pennies, and so when I would win enough pennies, she would take me to the dollar store so that I could buy something. It was the best.
I owe my former Cleveland Browns fandom to a Hialeah dollar store.
Oh, that's right. The plates, right? There you go. Commemorative plates came from a dollar store. They wouldn't be a dollar now. They'd be 55 cents.
Are you guys not saying that this is an issue? Why don't you go ahead and make the joke and not mumble it?
No, no, no. It's funnier to do it like that. Under, yeah.
Because the Browns aren't good, see. Okay. See, now you lost me here. I don't like where we're going with this.
The dollar needs to be a dollar. It needs to be worth a dollar. And if I'm walking into a store that's called the genital store, that's the dollar store.
The what? Genital store? I'm sorry. Genital? Someone cut that, please. All right. You want genital stores and glory holes, we're going to stick to just bargain shopping here, okay, and good football teams. Glory holes. The problem with inappropriate at work. Now, the full circle has come here. You're talking about going to a general store. You didn't put dollar in there.
You just said general store.
Put it on the poll. Would you go into the general store at Levitard's show? You want to see how far a dollar went?
A dollar what it used to be at the general store. What, Dan?
That's right.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Is a dollar what it used to be at the general store? Is it not false advertising? If I wanted to start a class action lawsuit with lawyers, this is false advertising in commerce if you're charging me more than a dollar at the dollar store.
Well, Dan, I think I can answer that question. The dollar store does not say how many dollars. It just says dollar store. As opposed to 99 cents only, which went out of business because your name is 99 cents only. So the moment when you get the things are 109, 129, 139, you kind of then have a false advertising.
The moment that store starts taking other currencies only exclusively, then you have a case. And also it might be they're going to be like, yeah, it's dollar in general, not the dollar general like the captain of the dollar. No, it's not a dollar.
Around a dollar. Generally a dollar. See, that's how you fix it.
You just make it a dollar generally. All you got to do is add an L-Y.
Dan, I swear to God, this happened to me in real life. I worked for one of the teams I worked for. The general manager asked me what I wanted to be, and I was like, I just want to help the team win championship. And he said, no, no, no, everyone has their own motivation and stuff. He said, for me, example, I'm the general manager. I manage things generally.
And I looked at him and I said, are you serious? That was his definition of GM. What's a GM do? I manage things generally.
That's a literal way of looking at it. He's wrong. Hey there, wellness warriors. If you're like me, you've given a lot of thought to how to improve your health and wellness routine this year. I've started stretching more, do a little mindfulness and meditation every day, how to clear my mind, make my body feel right. Take your health routine to the next level with the magic of contrast therapy.
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Don Levitard. I went in the margins. I'm like, I'm like your money ball of sex. I'm basically Scott Hatterberg. A lot of walks. Stugatz. A lot of walks, but I'm on base. When it comes to sex, I'm Scott Hatterberg. Other dudes, they can be Giambi.
You know your role, you play well. I know my role. This is the Don Levitard Show with the Stugatz.
The rest of you, I'm curious how the news arrived here with you guys. And this is, forgive the segue here, from light stuff to heavier stuff. But Dwayne Wade, having Dwayne Wade attached to kidney cancer, volunteering that, made me feel some of the same things that I felt when Randy Moss had to leave everything he was doing in broadcasting. Yeah.
It is obviously jarring to me and most of us whenever mortality comes and creeps this close in a way that's this overt, but especially so when it's people that I associate with the highest forms of youth and athleticism. When Dwayne Wade – I understand that cancer can come for us all, and many people listening to this have been affected by cancer.
And thankfully, Dwayne Wade says that the kidney cancer has been removed. But I still – I had trouble processing what it is that I was reading, and it ain't like I've been near – I haven't been near death recently. It's just – This particular person representing this particular thing for this market, and it being youth, and I will carry you with free throws past everyone in 2006.
It just sort of didn't compute. I kind of short-circuited on it.
Yeah, you know, Dan, and I think the thing I thought of was that because obviously we only found out because Dwayne Wade talked about it on his podcast a year and a half or more later. And it reminded me of and I thought back to around the time he says this happened, 2023. Did I notice that Dwayne Wade was kind of conspicuously absent or low key? And I'm like, I don't have any memories of.
But then it made me think of Chadwick Boseman, who we didn't know was fighting cancer that whole time up until he passed away. And I said, oh, he had cancer? He had aggressive cancer, apparently. But we didn't know. We just thought he was just over the whole Wakanda Forever thing in all those photos he took with fans and stuff like that.
And in reality, no, he's exhausted because of cancer treatments. And that was the thing that really... kind of got me thinking, like, wait a second, Dwayne Wade's been walking around making appearances, TV, as owner of the Utah Jazz, all those things, and we just didn't know that whole time he was dealing with this.
As competitive in his post-career as he was during his basketball career, Dwayne Wade has been, you know... gluttonous about consuming opportunities and competing in the content space for I'm Still Dwayne Wade that has value. I didn't see him disappear either. The work can help in those circumstances. The busy can help.
It can keep you sort of medicine every day to be getting up for something when you're scared.
I mean, that's some real strenuous work conditions. I'm working while I'm trying to be careful.
So were his previous work conditions. I'm not saying he was sick.
But we knew that he was making his final album, and it was like a love letter to his fans to kind of explain to them what was happening.
Yeah, that's scary. I mean, any time that you have your heroes, it's like... obviously being a football player and you hear so commonly about the health risks of football and when you're playing, you're so like laser focused and it feels so far away. And I'm at the age now where I start to hear about teammates who are sick or teammates that passed away.
And when you get to that moment where it's like, whoa, these are guys, it's not an old guy thing anymore. These are guys that were in the locker room with me. It does hit you like much different. And when you hear D Wade talk about it, it kind of felt like that because it's like, To your point, this is at times the Superman.
You know, the crazy one about that, Andrew, is we get a lot in the NBA where guys, because they are large human beings, their heart just gives out. And everyone always seems to think, oh, it's a retired guy. You know, you probably let yourself go. And I'm talking like Sean Rooks is the name that always comes to mind. Sean Rooks was a dude that didn't eat well. He cleaned, right? He didn't smoke.
He didn't drink. Exercise all the time, right? And he was on a coaching staff, which means every year, you know what happens. The first day of training camp, what do we do? We all do physicals, right? Everybody, staff, players, everything. So this is someone not only doing all the right things as far as how to live a healthy lifestyle. Mm-hmm.
But was getting the checks and balances on at least a yearly basis, regularly. And then it's just like that. And that's the stuff that it's kind of humbling when you think of just the mortality of it. Man, there ain't no control we have over any of this stuff, man. Sure, we can do certain things, but you don't control it. You're just trying to mitigate risk is what you're doing.
I've had moments where I've had health scares, like in retirement. And to your point, coming face to face with the potential of mortality is very, very heavy.
I'm just grateful that Dwayne Wade spoke about this so publicly. Down here in Miami, obviously, Alonzo Mourning went through issues with his kidneys as well. And Dwayne Wade talked about Alonzo and all of this. And Alonzo still spends time being an advocate for people to get checked out. And Dwayne Wade here with another example of like,
We as men in particular are often kind of taught to kind of mask pain, whether that's emotionally or physically. And like him sort of saying, hey, I was going through some issues. So I went to the doctor and I wanted to get checked out and I found it necessary.
And they found something that could have been deadly to me is, I think, going to make a huge impact on so many people who will now go get themselves checked out. So I thank him for that.
I don't want to play doctor or diagnose. I will just tell you in the history with this organization, the reason Alonzo Mourning learned that these kidney ailments affect black people disproportionately, the way that he learned what was connected to his kidney issues was the amount of pain medication he was taking every single day. in order to do his job, just the way he was popping Advil.
Ricky Williams speaks of being on the team plane and just a tray coming by of just an assortment of things that you couldn't normally get to heal your body. Is it unfair to wonder, without a diagnosis, just the cost of medicating to keep getting out there on the body in retirement?
Anti-inflammatories is what... It was linked to kidney disease and kidney failure. Larry Johnson famously stopped taking anti-inflammatories because of what happened to Alonzo Mourning. And his career overnight went to like almost hit a wall because his back was completely messed up from earlier back surgery. And so he needed that just to feel loose.
You'll do anything for relief from the pain.
Yeah. And I think more than that, you'll do anything to complete your job at the best that you can, because that's how you're trained. I took a lot of anti-inflammatories. I'll go on record in saying that. Like, I literally could not. Tell me the most you've ever taken, like, in one sitting. Most? I mean, it's hard to say. Because it's like you don't even think about it. Like, oh, how many pills?
You start to just take what, okay, I felt best. I took this amount yesterday. Right. And I didn't feel perfect. So you add some more. You add a little bit more. So five? I mean, I've taken six Advil pills. Eight Advil. Eight? Yeah, like it's, you know, 800s. You take Voltaren.
Look at what he was doing.
Voltaren.
The big-ass horse tabs. Toradol.
Like, I couldn't play a game without Toradol. And it got banned by the league eventually. But, yeah, you get a shot or you get a peel because, honestly, it's like, yes, I'm 5'7", 180 pounds. Physics will tell you if Ray Lewis hits me, it's going to hurt. And I can't do my job if I hurt.
So Toradol will mask the pain for a couple of hours so that when he hits me, I get up and talk my trash, but the very next play, I'm still the same receiver. Pre-game? Literally, yes. Every game? I cannot play a game without him. I got to Cleveland, first game, me, Dante Wittner, Carlos Dansby. Free agents to the Browns. Game one, we go to the training room, drop our pants.
Like, they're like, what the hell are you doing? Oh, they didn't know what you were. And we're like, time for the shot, right? Like, we had gotten to a group and we're like, hey, let's just go in now. We get it out the way and let it start to kick in. They were like, yeah, we don't do that here. And we were like, how the hell are we supposed to play in an NFL game?
But it was banned, and it was like they wouldn't do it. So, yeah, it's a tough business. It hurts as much as it looks, you know, and you got to get through it because that's what you're getting paid for.
I'm just thinking of the poor team doctor or trader or whatever sitting in his office like, all right, guys, game day. Let me see. Let me look up some last things. And here come the three new guys. All right. Just like, uh...
It's my experience. You tell me if I have this wrong, because you're mentioning just three guys. It's my experience that that's more common than not, that guys needed the Toradol in order to get out on the field most weeks.
Yes.
The majority of players. It wasn't you and three guys. It was the majority of football players, when this was allowed, needed something to mask the bodies screaming.
At that time, it was me and the three guys that were new to the locker room, and we didn't know what this organization's rules were. So to us, we had come here, and we were more old-school players than probably the guys that they had in the locker room at that time, and this was a part of our process. You know, so.
What was that like the first time you had to play without Toradol? After you've experienced the bliss of Toradol, now it's like a band, hey, you gotta just go out there and play.
It would literally ruin your whole week because your recovery is slower. The pain hurts a little bit more. And even in the game, it just, to your point about when you stop taking it, you tank, it's, yeah, try to do anything in pain, you're gonna be worse at it. Right. So you do as much as you can to mask the pain. You know, I limp down steps right now, like I'm 70 years old in the morning.
because of the scar tissue in my ankle, and I could not have been the player I was without a painkiller or Voltaren to keep the swelling down, because it's impossible.
Can you explain something to me, because you mentioned Ray Lewis here, I read his biography, it's got some holes in it in some key places, but I read his biography and he was talking about how he physically became who he became, and it's at least in part because since high school he was taking a deck of cards,
throwing card by card on the ground, and when it was a face card, he'd do 10 pushups, and he would do it that way, and he would do it through the entire deck, and he is the only player that I've heard of in the modern age that everyone talks about that way, which is, when he hits you, it feels different than when everyone else in the world hits you. And I'm wondering if that's actually factual.
Like when you say Ray Lewis, are you grabbing a random name or does him hitting you, does it feel different than everyone else hitting you?
I wouldn't say different than everybody else. There are a lot of players that when they hit you, it hurts. Now, Ray Lewis is, for me, like that good middle ground of, yes, he can hit you. Like Terrell Suggs can hit you. The chances of Terrell Suggs catching me is a little lower than me catching the ball and not seeing Ray Lewis coming. Or Troy Palomaro. Troy Palomaro probably...
in my career, hit me the hardest. That hurt the worst. He was a torpedo. And it's not a strength thing. Like, yes, strength is a faction of it. Your speed, your acceleration, all the science. And then there are just guys who know how to maximize the impact of their body against another body better than most. And Troy Palamalu, Ray was really good at that.
There are certain guys that I would get hit by. Ed Reed would hit me, and I was never like... You know, he didn't break through the Toradol. Polamalu broke through the Toradol. It was like, okay, this- About James Harrison. This one is immune to this. James Harrison, yes, he would kill you, but James never got me. And I would actually talk a lot of crap to James Harrison.
It was almost like a game of chicken.
He was actively trying to kill the Cleveland Browns.
Yes, yeah. He was trying to kill them. Were you there when he killed Josh? I was not. I was in Cincinnati when he killed Josh. And then he signed to Cincinnati my third year there. So we played together.
And then... Would he talk openly about how he was trying to kill other people on the field?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he talked about his... He had a plan. Like, it was like he had it written out and... So it was premeditated.
Murder one.
Yeah. He was like, I'm going to catch a body today. And I'm like, all right, well, glad you're on my team this year. So then for the rest of my career, when I played against him, I would egg it on. There's actually, I got a really bad concussion versus the Steelers in 2015, where I get hit and I come to, it was like the third quarter, like 3.45 p.m., I get hit,
The next moment, I remember it's midnight. I'm in the hospital.
No, come on, man.
Swear to you. Come on, man. I'm like, Mom, what are you doing here? Right? It was like the last play. I was on the field. And this time, I'm in the hospital. But in that game, I was talking so much shit. The defensive play to James. They were like headhunting me. Because I was like, it don't matter. You ain't going to catch me. And of course, Johnny throws a pick.
And I turn around and here comes the, I believe it was Jarvis.
They're all looking for you.
Whoever the D is, every one of them on film, you can see the moment the pick happens, they are trying to find me. He catches me, straight launch, helmet to helmet. Next thing I know, I'm at UPMC Medical.
Can we please call him? I'd like to call somebody who was on that field to just get a recollection of how quickly all 11 of them turned around to go find out where Hawk was. Who's that guy who's been like a fly around an elephant's tail just annoying us loudly all game?
They wrote articles on Pittsburgh blogs detailing the sequence of events. Like, here's Hawkins after a catch jumping up, talking trash to James Harrison. Here's where he flinches at another DN who is six feet bigger than him.
And here is the actual hit in question. I like that there's someone in a darkened room with a slideshow. Picture one, like, I'll talk in picture two.
When you mention that, when he mentions Palomalu, I've almost got a word association that I do with this because I want to ask. No, not shampoo. You've been doing nothing but muttering uselessness under my breath every time I talk that we can't understand what you're saying when you make the jokes. They're only for you.
Palomalu, when I think of him, the thing that I think of is other football players saying and Andrew Gay saying of Peyton Manning. He was prepared for every single situation that there could be in the sport. except how Paolo Malu played it. That strategically, he would consistently be baffled that that person was taking that chance in that spot because it was irresponsible to his job.
He was clearly head and shoulders above the competition.
There it is. I like that. But both of those things are fact. Because when we would watch them on film, we would go into those games, and, I mean, Jay Gruden was our OC, and he would straight up say, like, hey, there's no rhyme or reason to anything this dude does. Robert and Kirk. Huh?
That's his fake Jay Gruden. It hasn't made an appearance in a while. You're allowed to be surprised by that. It's a very limited impersonation.
I can hear it, though. Where are my quarterbacks at, man? Robert and Kirk. That's good.
That's not bad, actually. Now that I have the context. It's a little flaky. Not like Troy Palomaro, though. No. Okay. I like what you did there. Troy was great, though. He would literally, on any given play, take a chance that you had never seen on film. And honestly, a lot of that was in large part to Ryan Clark, who was kind of the by-the-book safety.
And the way he played was another way we would be baffled by two things. We'd be baffled by Polamalu when he decides to take those crazy chances. And Ryan Clark had this weird way of diagnosing runner pass before anybody else that it felt like cheating. And I never quite figured it out. And I've asked him and he hasn't given me.
But it was like on film, it would be like, how do you know so quickly what this is?
Yeah. Like you say, Troy is taking crazy chances. But for him, it's probably just rinse and repeat. Right.
When he says never quite figured it out, I'm guessing that Andrew Hawkins here has never quite figured out that that limited fake Jay Gruden, if I have the proper context, was once playing hide-and-seek here. He was playing hide-and-seek. So you tell me, Hawk, how accurate this is, sound that we wrestled away from ESPN.
John Jay, Mike playing John, me playing Jay.
Yes, of John and Jay Gruden playing hide-and-seek. Are they as adults? Please give me the context I need here.
I'm trying to just listen.
Well, this was all improv.
We had a Jay Gruden that was really good at saying Kirk, so we decided to run with it.
We built the whole thing around here are Jay and John Gruden playing hide-and-seek. I thought it was Marco Polo.
I love slants, man. Wow. That's what they're sponsoring.
Wait a minute.
Was that you or Gruden who just did that? I love slants, man. Wow. No, I love my brother, man. He's over here, actually. He's looking for his quarterback over here. Where's Robert? Kirk. I love that, man.
Fats and Info's limited fake Jay Gruden. It's just too obscure.
Very limited.
Where's Robert? Kirk. Why is he? He doesn't know where they are? Like, that's all you've got?
More than that, man. I'll help you look for him, man. Robert, Kirk, Kirk. Robert, Kirk, Kirk.
I should hold a camp, man, and find your quarter.
This is the Gruden Brothers. What would it sound like? Let me do this another way. What would it sound like if the Gruden brothers were teaming up to play hide-and-go-seek?
I love that game. You count, okay? I'm going to go run. One. Two.
Three.
Don't forget about four. I love four. Four. Robert.
Robert. I'm out here playing with your quarterbacks, man.
Ready or not, man.
Here I come.
Try to not look under the table.
Hey, I see you, man. Tag, man.
Who'd you see? Who'd you see? Fat Rob?
Fat Rob. Yeah.
So stupid. Oh, my God.
It's a good QB room. RG3 and Kirk Cousins. That's solid, man. That was an incredible impersonation. As someone who played under Jay Gruden for three years, that is an undercover, spot-on impersonation. The world's only one. The world's only Jay Gruden. I've never heard anyone ever impersonate Jay.
Hey friends, it's JerBear here, and I'm here to tell you all about Boost Mobile, which is now a legit nationwide 5G network. So I must take a break from the jokes here for a second and put on my serious voice. Because I would never ever joke about a 5G network that has invested billions building 5G towers across the country. Not even once. Not even if Mr. Boost Mobile himself asked me to.
There is nothing funny about it. Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network and also provides coverage across 99% of America. Seriously. Visit BoostMobile.com or your nearest Boost Mobile store location to learn more. The Boost Mobile network, together with our roaming partners, covers 99% of the U.S. population. 5G speeds not available in all areas.
Don Levitard. We're going to win. Stugatz. We're going to win.
What an old reference.
This is the Don Levitard Show with the Stugatz.
I want to play for you guys some sound here we haven't gotten to during the week. It is in Spanish, and it sounds like a walk-off situation, but it is not a walk-off situation.
That is hugely key.
Yeah, I need to point out to everybody that everything that's happening in this Dominican baseball clip, and my God, are these fun atmospheres to be a part of when Dominican players care about these games. There's so much personality on these games, but this is the top of the ninth inning.
4-3 in the game. Jairo Asensio, the leader in the game, saved all the time. Hard for the center field. No, no, no. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. He did it again. Listen to me, gentlemen. What a ball this boy has given.
I loved him as a player. I watched him play so much third for the Rays. He's now rounding second.
For the audio audience, this hitter is like pumping up the crowd. He's like skipping the entire way. He just got to third.
He's stopped at third. Big hug for the third base coach. He's now walking from third to home. Soft jog.
This reminds me of what cornerbacks do when they're beat by a receiver and the quarterback overthrows them and it's an incomplete. And then they celebrate like it's just like they just locked down.
Again, top of the ninth. Not a walk-off.
It was amazing because he hits, and before he gets to first base, the entire team has come out. Everyone gets a high five. On the first baseline side. And they're all just, and he literally stands still. He's not like jogging and shouting them out. He just stands there. What's up now? What's up? It reminds me of Peter Warrick in the Sugar Bowl. Y'all want me to end this shit right now?
Again with Peter Warrick. Dude, it's one of the. Hey, I'm going to tell you right now, there's like, I think every person has like three to five athletes in their life. It doesn't matter what their actual ranking is in the sport. In that moment, you're like that. That's the guy. You cannot tell me a football player that I feared more than Peter Warrick. Wow. That was the pinnacle of football.
And everything else after that was like... To be better than everyone in Florida at Florida football is what he was getting a lot of credit for. He wasn't quite the pro that he was as a college player. What's the best you've ever felt in one of these situations where... What, middle of the game?
Well, just not even middle of the game, just an athletic feat that swells through you with so much energy that you it's this thing we talk about.
It's one thing to win, but to be the reason for winning and then to share that with your teammates, even though it's the top of the ninth, to share the reason for I'm the reason we won and all of the defiance that comes hissing out of you because you're the most competitive of people. Yeah. Like where where is your highest feeling on this?
Probably date October 20th, 2011. Johnstown, Pennsylvania, Mayor Tregonia walks up to that podium. He utters the words, Johnstown's favorite son. The feeling that goes through your veins to know that this day. is cemented and forever yours to own through life's history. There will never be a day that people won't look back at October 20th, 2011 and think of me.
Would you like to know what ChatGPT says? ChatGPT says, I asked him, what is your signature moment in your career? And it came back with September 16th, 2012. You were playing against the Cleveland Browns. You caught a 50-yard game-winning touchdown.
Man, that's not wrong. If I gave you the true answer, okay, chat GPT, they're one for like 10 today, but that one is right.
Look at this. It goes on to add, he weaved through multiple defenders with his elite speed and agility, securing a game-winning score in a 34-27 Bengals victory.
There's so much to that play, you know? Here's a couple of things, and I don't want to ramble, but I will. I don't want to be looking at me, Louie, but let's take this moment to look at me, Louie. Trying to get to the NFL, Ray Farmer was like an assistant GM or like a front office personnel at the Kansas City Chiefs.
And he told my agent, he doesn't quite have enough juice for his size for them to give me a workout. So they didn't give me a workout coming from Canada. I go to the Bengals. He's now... Front office for the Browns. This is, I think, our first or second game of the season, maybe game number two. It's the fourth quarter. We're in a division battle. They throw me this ball, and it is a highlight.
Please go look up this touchdown. It's the best touchdown I've ever scored. It was my first ever NFL touchdown. My son was born in February. This is his first ever NFL game. Little baby with the headphones on. My family's... Whole family is there in the audience. And I scored this essentially touchdown that sealed the deal.
Not only that, that play is why Ray Farmer, who became the GM of the Browns, ended up signing me away from the Bengals as a restricted free agent because he was like, you know what? We messed up. We're going to get you here. And that touchdown, he referenced it all the time. There is no better feeling in the world. Yo, this cut that you make is ridiculous. It is.
It's like, it puts on full display what the Andrew Hawkins experience is.
This is Peter Warwick. This is a Peter Warwick touchdown.
This is crazy. It is. It's a nice one. Humbly.
It's crazy because- You made five dudes miss. The way you describe it, not the actual play, but describe all the ramifications, it is clearly- the most important to your life, like, most important moment of your entire life. It is. This is what made you millions of dollars and allows you to sit right here and crack jokes about having a date.
About anything. It's kind of a dumb throw by Andy, but it's an absolute rocket that he throws to you.
Rocket snagged.
Yeah.
And then your boy just did the rest. I always say that scoring a touchdown is the second greatest feeling in my life. NFL touchdown, it is... So sex is first? Well, I was going to say my day, but sure, be inappropriate, Dan, whatever you're into. But yes, no, sex number one. Touchdown, NFL touchdown. No greater feeling.
Poor number 27 on the Browns here. I mean, you work that guy. I missed the second one. Hold on.
He loves what's happening right now because it looks like proof of what he's been saying, that he was the quickest man in the world.
You're quick, huh? He's been trying to tell everybody. Now you get it.
He's been trying to tell everybody since he got here. Do you guys know how quick I am? Why do you keep disrespecting my athleticism?
I don't think you've seen the film. Your first touchdown. First touchdown. Downhill from there, huh? Oh, man. You make a bunch of millions. When your first one is your best one, they're all downhill from there. He's not wrong. The Toradol was flowing that day.
You were really good at sports, huh?
Toradol, good lord.
Those ankles were loose that day, baby. I just watched it.
And all I'm imagining is that he can't feel anything.
He's out there just gliding.
Just floating. It's levitating. It's whatever monks do in order to get off of the ground when they reach a prayerful state.
I didn't go to sleep that night until 4.30 in the morning. Partly because the tour doll had me wired. The other part was I sat up and watched every highlight that they talked about.
Oh, my God. That's got to be the cool part, right? Stu Scott was on the call. Yeah. I'm watching it.
Crazy, right?
Yeah, man, it was... That's the part that I think... I've only obviously been tangential, right? Where they're talking about us, but it's not that I did, right? But the part, Dan, where... You win a big game. You have a great game. That's awesome. But then when you go home and say, let me see what these bastards on SportsCenter are talking about. Just turn it on. And you watch it on repeat.
You know how they repeat the SportsCenter after something?
Were you play of the day? Did you get in the top ten? Did that play get in the top ten?
Oh, yeah. Rich Eisen called me the human joystick. Who else? Stu Scott was on the call and said something like, this dude moves like butter. You know, which was like, come on, man. Stu Scott on the call. Coach Dungy was like, man, I love this kid. Chris Berman was like, what?
Oh, man.
You were getting all the compliments.
Dude, you talk about euphoria. Did you get a whoop? I'm sure I got a whoop. Of course he did. It was like the highlight of the day.
Nickname, Hershey Hawkins.
It deserved a whoop. A couple of them. It was earned. There's a couple of them in there, man.
No, that was just a one. There's the cut, and then there's one whoop. No, there were not. Look. I hit every button on the matting controller. It's a great play. Just mash it up. Worthy of one whoop. There was at least two whoops.
I think it gets two whoops. There was at least two whoops. It's two whoops.
This is not an indictment of the move. It kind of sounds like it. It's a celebration of the whoop. It's respecting the whoop.
The whoop.
I think it's a little disrespect of the play.
There's the first cut that he makes and then the sidestep to come back to the inside and going this way.
To downplay this play and then applaud Stugatz for the best no-name American football podcast done by a white dude in Florida.
To give it one whoop is a compliment. It will never be an insult. You got one whoop, it's enough. And he wants two. Which one are you calling the whoop? The first cut, look, the second cut was beautiful. He will tell you that nothing has ever felt greater in his life, not crossing that goal line, than that first cut and how it looks on the video now.
There was a solid four cuts. Two of them were whoop-worthy. They were all great cuts. The L1 button sidestep to the left on a safety.
That's crazy, man. You've never even seen that really done in a game at that speed. In my mind, you said whoop as you did it. Yes, bro.
Oh, what a play. I'm just running for my life, by the way.
Like, in the middle of the play, I'm not like, oh, I'm balling. It was like, oh, my God. Ah! Ah! Oh, my! I'm about to score! Oh, shit!
Oh, God! Woo!
Play it cool. Play it cool.
Play it cool.
And then I stare down at the audience as if I meant to do that.
So you're telling me there was no big picture. It was just, I can't get tackled by him. I can't. Like, wait a second. Is that the end song? The first sound he made did sound like fire.
fear to me like i'm blindly running in the middle of the field this play has been going on for six seconds somebody's about to kill me there's one cut that i think the second cut that i make is actually on my own player but i thought it was a defender the colors are he's coming to block i thought he was coming to hit me and i got scared and cut so it looks sweet but i was like oh that's brian hey get him for me that should be a rule against having the same color helmets
Because it's orange, there's this brownish orange. History. You ready for some football history?
You guys do a football history show here? We should. Football history of why both the Browns and the Bengals have orange helmets. Essentially, they took the Browns from Paul Brown. He was very upset at it. He was pissed. So much so, he's like, I'm going to start another team in Cincinnati, and I'm going to give them the same orange helmets at a spite.
So we would get this speech every first day of camp from Mike Brown about his dad and how they became the Bengals. Now they eventually added the stripes, but that's why they also had the orange helmets to stick it to the Browns organization. You guys just saw a moment of great...
athletic grace that was amazing to watch and the way he described it is the way the sound would be made by somebody in a kitchen jumping away from a rat to jump onto a chair he was terrified the entire time he was running out of there it was it was the sound you and i would make if they were trying to tiptoe through that like that is the nfl experience hey howdy listener why don't you sit down here next to me
Let's have a fireside conversation in the winter. This is all theater of the mind anyways. The weather outside is a little chilly. Let's warm up. Let's cozy up. Not just to each other, but also to that beautiful white can of Miller Lite. That's right. Make these moments even better with Miller Lite, the great tasting light beer for people who love beer.
A new year is a perfect time for friends, family, and great tasting light beer. Tastes like Miller time. You know, as the football games get bigger, everybody's talking about hosting parties. It's always difficult. Everyone's got an opinion. Why don't you just bring out a nice cooler of Miller lights and make everybody happy?
You could be on opposite sides of the big game, but you still know that you are brought together by Miller time. Miller Lite is a great unifier. Miller Lite is brewed for taste. It hits different than other Lite beers. The original Lite beer since 1975 and still the very best one. Miller Lite. Great taste. 96 calories. Go to MillerLite.com slash Dan. Find delivery options near you.
Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tastes like Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.
Don Levitard. But it's just his titties are sitting on the shelf that is his belly. Stugatz. He said titties.
It shocked me a little bit. I wasn't quite prepared for titties.
This is the Don Levitard Show with the Stugatz.
Jeremy is saying he has some exclusive heat news. It feels like we have not gotten to any heat news and he says he's had it for two days. I don't know if that's the greatest failure we've had around here today.
I believe the greatest failure we've had around here today is that Mike Ryan has not gone viral with this is the camera shot making some sort of profound point about something where he gives social commentary and we never see his face.
Sorry, I wasn't that interesting today.
It's okay. I was hoping, though, that you would be. I thought you were a star. Oh, come on. Bravo.
That deserves a spa.
Party. This is a happy time around here, and Jeremy thought that all of these balloons, and by the way, it's a crappy assortment of balloons. I don't know why we just took the letters and birthday and made the A and the Y. Hey, watch it. Yeah, but we are celebrating our awards season. Metal Ark did great, but Jeremy thought we were celebrating Tyler Hero's All-Star appearance?
Yeah, that's right. It's the first All-Star selection for Tyler Hero, and it's a pretty amazing accomplishment for a guy who was... Brad! By people nationally and locally for the last several years as he was part of trade rumors every single offseason until this one. A few years ago, he went on a podcast and said that he was in should be considered in the same conversation. It was your podcast.
It was my podcast with Luca. trey and ja and everybody laughed at him you know they put it on inside the nba and and trolled him and to see him now as the only one of those guys in 2025 named an all-star that's not to say that's not saying he's luka don't i'm not saying he's lucas okay but to watch him play himself
into the conversation of all of these guys who he said were going to be all-stars has been really cool.
Calling Tyler Hero hated on a national level is a bit extreme. I don't think you've been on NBA Twitter nearly enough. I think that's heat Twitter, dude. I don't think he's that. He's just a guy.
No, he's internet polarizing. No, he is. Look, man. I think it was the Jack Harlow. Yeah. That's what it was.
And that was right after. Like, it was this quick ascension after the bubble and talking as if he was going to be the player that he's now become. That it took him a while to get here.
I mean, still making faces at you. I mean, he is an all-star and he's not Jamal McGlure. Like, he's an all-star. He earned the all-star game. How do you define Jamal McGlure all-star? Not.
those counting stats jamal mcglure doesn't have the counting stats that tyler hero does is a scorer efficiency in the three-point game uh he he has become one of the best shooters scorers in the league on consistency and efficiency i would argue with you that the definition of the jamal mcglure all-star is that really enjoy this weekend guy because it may not happen again
That's the definition of a Jamal McGraw.
Maybe not, but to watch him turn into this guy that's been this efficient and in a season full of turmoil for the franchise, I think that's a part of it.
He earned the All-Star game. So did Jamal McGraw.
My favorite part about being on this show is being the casual basketball fan who spends 60% of the time during the conversation Googling the names that you guys drop.
Thank you. That proves my point. Tyler Hero, nobody's thinking about Tyler Hero in the NBA.
I know Tyler Hero. I didn't Google him. Who's Jamal McGraw?
glory that he was good job jamal mcglure just got a quick google search you know who tyler hero is but have you ever thought like man that controversy down there in miami with tyler just guys been a part of every superstar trade conversation for the last five years chris i just quickly i don't want to break off hawk but like basically what makes tyler hero a national thing is number one the damian lillard talk number two was that clip that on me on his podcast that ran on tnt
Those are the two big things. Had to be good for subscriptions.
It was pretty good.
Yeah. Let's resurface it. How's that podcast doing now? Let's not talk about it.
It's not winning awards, and that is how you open up the club if what you're doing is not looking to celebrate people and fun.
I'll save the exclusive reporting for next week.
Hey, howdy, listener. Why don't you sit down here next to me? Let's have a fireside conversation in the winter. This is all theater of the mind anyways. The weather outside is a little chilly. Let's warm up. Let's cozy up. Not just to each other, but also to that beautiful white can of Miller Lite. That's right.
Make these moments even better with Miller Lite, the great tasting light beer for people who love beer. A new year is a perfect time for friends, family, and great tasting light beer. Tastes like Miller time. You know, as the football games get bigger, everybody's talking about hosting parties. It's always difficult. Everyone's got an opinion.
Why don't you just bring out a nice cooler of Miller lights and make everybody happy? You could be on opposite sides of the big game, but you still know that you are brought together. By Miller Time. Miller Lite is a great unifier. Miller Lite is brewed for taste. It hits different than other Lite beers. The original Lite beer since 1975 and still the very best one. Miller Lite. Great taste.
96 calories. Go to MillerLite.com slash Dan. Find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tastes like Miller Time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.
Hey friends, it's Jarabear here, and I'm here to tell you all about Boost Mobile, which is now a legit nationwide 5G network. So I must take a break from the jokes here for a second and put on my serious voice, because I would never ever joke about a 5G network that has invested billions building 5G towers across the country. Not even once. Not even if Mr. Boost Mobile himself asked me to.
There is nothing funny about it. Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network and also provides coverage across 99% of America. Seriously. Visit BoostMobile.com or your nearest Boost Mobile store location to learn more. The Boost Mobile Network, together with our roaming partners, covers 99% of the U.S. population. 5G speeds not available in all areas.