Our unapologetic catholic from Chicago, Jessica Smetana is here to give her thoughts on the first ever American Pope, tell us who is allowed to root for the New York Knicks, and reveal that her grandfather may have invented LSD. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who is allowed to celebrate a New York Knicks playoff run?
It's not like that's not really what it's all like to me. So with some help from some of our friends, I have a top five list for today's show of people who are allowed to celebrate a Knicks playoff run. And I'm hoping that you will realize that none of you are on this list and you will stop debasing yourselves.
Do you have any other commentary on yesterday that is missed before we get to that list? Because I imagine there's a lot left unsaid. I was looking, searching for your voice somewhere in our, you know, our fake fandom.
You were very mean to Chris, I would say. Another text I got. Yeah, well, Chris was like, you know, what do you want to talk about tomorrow? And I was like, the Knicks stuff, obviously. And then later in Invisible Inc. Also, Dan was really mean to you.
I lashed out. I'm sorry, Chris. You got condolence texts yesterday? You're still with us. I'm sorry. It's just return my calls, please.
I don't understand Invisible Inc. text messages. What is it for?
It's for when you're saying something and you're like, ooh, if someone's reading this over this person's shoulder, they have a way to make sure that no one sees it. So they're like, ooh, this is something spicy. Let me wait till I'm somewhere where I can press down and read it and be like, ooh, okay. I don't want anyone else to see this.
I say something, I mean it. Whatever.
Well, OK. I would also like to add this isn't from yesterday's show, but Amin's shrimp in a cake analogy. One of the greatest, I think, of all time in the history of the show in describing some of Dan's requests. Very good analogy, Amin.
From one Knicks fan to another. Thank you.
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Chapter 2: What is the story behind jumping into the pool after a Knicks game?
Suspense is killing us. No, no, now that's like the actual perfect time to tell your story. After a Knicks game? When we're talking about jumping in the pool.
Was it celebratory? I didn't want to interrupt what she was saying, and I interrupted what she was saying. But you did, and then you left us with a cliffhanger.
all right so the what the page what was the team oh the patriots they were going to go undefeated if indeed they went undefeated i had to do some horrible thing where i talked to each of the 1972 dolphins and wrote a column about each of them and so when the giants beat the patriots in the super bowl preventing another team from being undefeated i joyously threw my hat in the air and jumped into a swimming pool it was just joy because i didn't have to do a ton of work
Good story. Not worth interrupting you, though. I regretted it as soon as I said it. You did say you can't wait until I tell this story.
It would have been worse if you teased it out for three hours and then told us that story. So I'm glad we just got it out of the way.
Always produce them.
Okay, OLI. This is, again, the list of people who can celebrate a Knicks playoff run. At one point in your fandom, Pablo Prigioni was legitimately the best option you had at point guard.
That's a tough name. Prigioni, real Knicks fans know like us.
Again, I'm not included in this list. I have another OLI, though. A glimpse of a photo of Rick Smith's stupid face will send you into a frothing fit of PTSD-fueled rage. Bing bong!
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Chapter 3: What are Jessica's thoughts on the Chicago Pope and Catholic identity?
timothy is the patron saint of city kids and i thought you meant timothy moskov and i was kind of confused but i was like i want a yes i'm gonna yes and yeah sure i could see there are a lot of russians in the city and i was like why was why is she going on this moskov tangent and then it hit me like oh she means chalamet yeah sorry you described him as a patron saint and i believe in the past you've been described as unapologetically catholic how do you feel about a chicago pope
Billy, the quote from Dan was Catholic to my core. Chicago Pope was probably the most memorable day of my entire life. Just all of it. The memes, the jokes, the disbelief, the informing Chicago people. Why is David Sampson wearing a Pope? Oh, because he's in charge of Metal Ark now? I get it.
No, he wants to be Pope of Metal Ark. We can't let him do it. Well, it's an election. We got to see what the smoke says.
We should do that. I mean, that's a good idea. The College of Metal Arcs, like where the birds, where cardinals get it, because they're birds. I don't know. I'm working on it.
Workshop that, yeah. You're going to have Stugatz host a conclave, but he's a con man.
Are we ready for an American pope? Because as soon as he was named pope, I saw what happened was they're like, let's find out what his brother was up to on Facebook. And I was like, I don't know if we should have a pope from America.
Yeah. Have you met us? My I mean, I was shocked when I heard the news and I told my parents and I'm staying with my parents right now because we haven't moved into our apartment yet in New York. But my parents were like, he's not American. They weren't elected American pope. And I'm like, he's actually from Chicago, too. And they're like, no, he's not.
But they did say when they announced he was the new pope, he's the least American American, which is kind of a hilarious way to insult the rest of Americans. But yes, there he is at the World Series game at Kaminsky Park.
Wait, which one is he?
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Chapter 4: Did Jessica's grandfather have a connection to the invention of LSD?
Billy, I never crossed paths with the pope prior to him becoming the pope. However, he he was born at the hospital my grandpa worked at. My grandpa was a chemist. Yeah. So maybe their paths crossed, which is crazy to think, because when you grow up Catholic, there's one thing really that you're sure of.
And well, two things, one, that you should feel guilty all the time and two, that the pope is never going to be from America. And he's certainly not going to be from Chicago of all places. I am glad he's from Chicago, though, because imagine how annoying like Philadelphia fans would be if he was from Philly or like Boston people.
Like at least Chicago, we can make funny like hot dog jokes and malort jokes.
What does a chemist do in the hospital? We're very confused by this. I did not know that they housed them in the hospital.
We're having an argument right here. What does a chemist do in a hospital that's different from what a pharmacist would do in a hospital?
Because then he's not a chemist. He's a pharmacist. Yeah.
All I know about my grandpa's chemistry career was that at one point he was a chemist in a lab working down the hall from where LSD was first invented.
Yeah, your grandfather invented LSD. Your grandfather's a bad guy.
Drug dealer.
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Chapter 5: How do the hosts react to Instagram and TikTok content changes?
Yeah, that happens to me all the time. All of a sudden, jugs. What are you talking about?
That doesn't happen to you? Where IG accounts change, they sell, and all of a sudden there's a butthole on your feed.
Meme accounts sometimes change themes.
No, but they don't change the title. The Curb one I followed too, and it was like, it's always these clips from Curb, and like, ha ha, remember when Larry did this, remember when Larry did that, and all of a sudden there's a school teacher, and it's like, boing, everything pops up. I'm like, what the hell's going on here?
I'm trying to check my phone here in public, and there's a butthole.
And it shoots to the top of my feed. It's not even me scrolling.
I swear to God, I didn't do this. I don't do this. You can do my Discover page. Yeah, well, don't do mine.
I like that, Mike, this is smart of you to get ahead of whatever your wife is going to find later on your phone. This is actually really good. You're putting this out publicly now, and this is the explanation. And it's a smart move.
I mean, granted, my ally is Amin, but this happens all the time.
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Chapter 6: What are the health concerns about eating canned tuna daily?
She doesn't like Dan that much when she listens to the show.
Jessica, holy shit.
Okay, so I thought I was good with money. Turns out I was really good at ignoring it. Like how am I spending this much on delivery or Uber or that one shoe store that I buy too many shoes from? Then I started using Monarch Money. And dude, it's a financial wake-up call. Monarch's not just some budgeting app. It's basically your money command center.
Puts everything, accounts, credit cards, investments into one place so you're not guessing anymore. And listen, I found stuff I didn't even know I was paying for. Since I started using Monarch, I'm tracking my spending, actually saving money. And yeah, even having money check-ins with my wife and we're looking at each other and we're like, yeah, okay, we're all good.
It makes the hard stuff way easier. And over a million households use Monarch. It was named the best budgeting app of 2025 by the Wall Street Journal. So it's not just me hyping up. It's legit. It's real. Real deal Holyfield. And get control of all of your finances with Monarch Money. Use code DAN at monarchmoney.com in your browser for half off your first year.
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Guys, I want to talk to you about something that I don't think we think about enough on a daily basis. And that's comfort, specifically when it comes to underwear. Because let's be real, when it's not right, you're going to feel it all day. And that's why I want to tell all of you about Tommy John.
Because the first time I put on a pair, I knew my underwear drawer would just simply never be the same. Tommy John just recently sent some of their product to those of us in the shipping container, and this is my first time wearing Tommy John underwear. I was really blown away by the comfort, by the stretch that was available within the design, by the texture.
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Chapter 7: What are the recommended limits for canned tuna consumption and cold plunging?
Chapter 8: What are the sponsored messages featured in the episode?
well i mean i don't want to speak ill of my grandfather but um i you know my grandma she seems like a hoot right she seems like she thinks that a lot of things are funny and she's very humorous well my sister sent our big family group chat last thursday when the pope was announced um an onion article about like the vatican elects first chicago style pope and it was a photoshop of the pope in a bun with you know tomatoes and
uh sport peppers and whatever relish like he was a Chicago style hot dog and my grandma just responded to the whole group like our entire like 35 person group chat not funny oh wow wow she didn't take kindly to the Chicago jokes huh
she did not like the pope jokes i don't think it was well although that's a good question maybe she was offended on behalf of the hot dog not the pope i'll have to follow up on that you guys remember when the pope's like official instagram account was liking thirst traps like a couple years ago
That's why he had to get rid of the last one.
Are you sure you're not confusing him with Ted Cruz?
No, it was a thing that happened. It was like a big story. The Pope likes like Instagram models, thirst traps. Speaking of thirst traps, Dan, I don't know if you saw this. Have you ever heard of Yellowstone National Park? Yes, Billy. Well, Yellowstone National Park, apparently they're losing funding and they've resorted to, and it's time to talk about this beforehand.
Yeah, apparently they're losing funding and they've resorted to posting thirst traps on TikTok. hoping that they go viral, and then they can raise funds for their national parks through the help of hunky men.
Oh, I thought you meant thirst traps of, like, the animals. Like, it would be, like, Yogi Bear. No, that's, like, something Ron used.
Like Bear Week. Yeah, a thirst trap there would be, like, a geyser, like a hot spring, because, like, oh, there's some water, but it's a trap because it sprays you in the face with water that'll melt your face off. Also, one thing that I don't like about Instagram is, like, I followed you for science reasons. Me? No, no, no, like... No, like certain accounts.
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