When Samaiya Mushtaq was growing up, she imagined marrying a kind Muslim man, and at 21, she did. But while studying to become a psychiatrist in medical school, she realized her husband couldn’t meet her emotional needs — something she deeply craved. Despite the shame she felt, she got a divorce.In this episode, Mushtaq shares the twists and turns of her unexpected second chance at love, where service is at the center. From working in health care during the pandemic to building a family to undertaking harrowing service trips to Gaza, she found what she truly needed in a marriage — only after letting go of what she thought she wanted.Samaiya Mushtaq’s memoir will be published by Daybreak Press next winter.This episode was inspired by her 2023 essay, “Must We Feel Shame Over Divorce?”For more Modern Love, search for the show wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Chapter 1: What was Samaiya Mushtaq's vision of marriage growing up?
Yeah, I think the biggest thing was just I wanted to feel a sense of home and belonging. And like, this is my person. This is my best friend. And that's what I wanted. I just wanted the person who is going to be my emotional rock.
Right.
So it sounds really simple, I think, Anna, but... It doesn't. I don't think it does. I actually really don't think it does. Yeah, I just feel like so many little things have to line up to have that, even though you can distill it down into one phrase. I feel like it's just such an abstract and complex and multi-layered need.
When did you meet someone you were actually excited about?
So I met Mahmoud that fall. He trained in the same program as me. He was doing family medicine and I was doing psychiatry. Both of us were at UT Southwestern. So we were both residents at the same time. And he was this tall, dark and handsome, literally. I mean, he is. There you go, girl. That's all you need. He's 6'2". He has a full head of dark hair.
And one of the earliest memories now that I have of him, before I even knew he was Mahmoud, knew he was single or somebody who I would end up married to, I just have this memory of him leading the evening prayer for this community iftar that we had on campus. Wow.
So it's like you'd seen him around. You knew that he was Muslim because he participated in this group that you were also a part of. You, I guess, clocked him as cute. Like, what was the moment of first, I don't know, like meaningful interaction?
I guess the most meaningful interaction... that I remember was we were at this event around like patient bias and discrimination towards physicians. And I just remember he was engaged, like he was reflective and talking about his experiences. And so I just thought it was really interesting that, you know, he was participating and had a lot of insightful things to share.
But I still didn't know he was single. Right. Well, how did you figure out if he was? So I would sometimes activate my profile, yeah, deactivate them and just be like, it feels like shopping at Ross. Like you're just rifling.
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Chapter 2: What emotional challenges did Samaiya face in her first marriage?
Oh, yeah. He was certain really early on. I mean... How early? I remember him bringing it up like six weeks into meeting. He was like, I want to know where this is going and where your head is at. I think this is one of those things, Anna, where...
To somebody who's not in our community, that might seem like really forward because again, we're talking about a different construct because for us, that's there from the beginning. And so it's like, is this heading in that direction or not? But for me, I didn't feel that right away. It just wasn't as straightforward for me as it was for him. Yeah.
Do you think you were scared to try again?
Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, I would say that was the biggest part of it. I mean, looking back, I don't think there were major reservations. I mean, there was like a couple of things about Mahmoud, like he could be a little bit forgetful or, you know, like I remember he left his phone in the fitting room and I was like, oh, my God, he's going to leave a kid at the park. Yeah.
Like I would definitely catastrophize these things. I was like looking for the red flags, you know? Sure, sure, sure, sure. But I think all of that was fear. I think I was like, I have to be very vigilant of the things that can go wrong because I miss those things the first time and I can't afford to miss them a second time.
How did you overcome that fear? I don't even...
I think that's what makes it hard is like I don't know that I overcame it and then decided. I think it was like I recognized that I would have to live with it.
You and Mahmoud decide to get married, but that fear is still there.
Yeah, I mean, I remember feeling it right up until I said yes. And then it was like it was gone. It was almost like a weight lifted off. It was like, whew. All that fear about doing it and how am I going to do it? It's too scary to do it again. I don't want to do it again because it could go south. And then I was like, I did it. And this is my person.
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Chapter 3: How did Samaiya realize she needed to leave her marriage?
No. I knew he would go back. How did you know? Well, there were two missions that he had put his name on. And he was like, well, the reason is because if the first mission doesn't work out, it falls through. And then the second one gets full, then I'm just not going to be able to go at all. And so he put his name on both thinking that like the second one was plan B. But I'm like, I know you.
You're committed. I was like, I'm not going to be the person that tells you you can't go. I'm not going to stop you. I was like, I think that you're the kind of person who honors your commitments. And he sort of saw that as me supporting him again.
What was it like the second time he was gone? What happened? The situation had only gotten more dangerous since the first time he went.
Before he left, there was sort of rumblings of a ground invasion in Rafah. And then a week into his mission, they invaded Rafah. And then once they invaded Rafah, there was no exit. There's no way out of Gaza without Rafah.
And this whole time, Mahmoud is sending you voice notes, updating you on what's happening and what's going on.
It's not like, you know, a regular ICU where there's one nurse for two patients. It's just a couple nurses for the whole ICU. And, you know, the doctors, the nurses, the volunteers are the only ones taking care of them. But we can't stay by their side 24-7.
You know, his observations were really poignant.
You put your efforts into saving someone's life and you sincerely believe that you would save his life or her life because you've seen it before. But it's like a shock when they die because you have nothing to help them with.
What went through your head when you learned that Rafa was being vetted and there was no way out for Mahmoud?
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