The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya
The Bald Driving School: Where Automotive Dreams Come True with Trixie and Katya
Tue, 01 Apr 2025
Is your spouse sick of your night terrors involving narrow driveways and parallel parking? Does the thought of merging onto a freeway during rush hour make your perineum perspire? We here at The Bald Driving School are here to help. With dozens of days of driving experience, our two instructors will guide you through blinkers, beeps, blind spots, and barefoot driving techniques. The Bald Driving School: if you "Can't" drive, we'll teach you so you "Chaka Khan"! Give your cat the food they deserve! For a limited time only, you can get 35% off Smalls plus an additional 50% off your first order by using our code BALD at https://Smalls.com Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today! Use our code for 10% off your next SeatGeek order* by going to: https://seatgeek.onelink.me/RrnK/BALD10 This episode is sponsored by SeatGeek. *Restrictions apply. Max $25 discount Support a balanced gut microbiome and get your gut going with Ritual’s Synbiotic+! Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipsYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: https://workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who are the main hosts of The Bald Driving School podcast?
Chapter 2: What health challenges does Trixie face with wigs and makeup?
Also, they've got plenty of, you've got multiple options for drowning them. And it's great to have when my mom, like I like to host Christmas. My mom comes, everybody comes for Christmas and everybody has a bedroom. It's like, it's very nice for hosting family. Now, what about this though?
I mean, I don't mean to blow up your spot, but now I did happen to notice this is something I'm hyper aware of. I love doors that shut and windows that close. I feel very exposed in your home. A lot of windows. Yeah, a lot of windows. Yeah. You don't mind that? No, I like every window open all the time. I like natural light. I don't care who's looking in. Interesting. What are you going to see?
Can I tell you what happened the other day? Tell me. Someone wander in, take a bath in the bird bath. Someone came in. Okay, so this is part of the driving story. So two days ago, I was pulling out of the driveway in my rental. Your teeny tiny motorway. The motorway. Yeah, the motor court. Motor court. What do you call that? Motor court. Motor court.
And it's one of the doors that goes like this, side to side driveway. Yes. Hit it. Hit it. Because you were hasty. You didn't know she was all the way out yet. I'm learning the love language of the beeps. Because this car will beep when there's a car 10 feet away. Baby, those beeps. So if you're beeping when something's here, how am I supposed to know? The boy who cried beep. Girl.
I can't deal with it. Mary Louise Dreyfuss in beep. That's the fucking thing. It's horrible. It should beep like, oop. And then closer is, sweetie. And then right next to it should be like, oop. Tell it on the mountain because the three days – I told you this the other day. A third day of driving that motherfucking Range Rover because I learned I could not trust the beep. The beep.
I went – I ignored the beep and scraped the whole fucking side of that thing. The beeps are inconsistent. The beeps. They're unreliable. They're annoying as hell. And they also provide you – they allow you to like maintain this like – Lack of alertness. Thank you. You know what I mean? You should be looking. I am looking.
And so when it's beeping all the time, it makes me feel like, well, I've heard this thing beep when there's a car eight feet away. Right. Yeah. So if I am hitting the fucking driveway. Yeah.
you beep what you sow you beep you reap what you beep like and so then that was a couple days ago also they should say they should give you a like like a b c d e f g kind of music lesson about the beeps so it's like this is because i was totally unfamiliar with the cadence of the emergency correspondence like like there's no there's no gradiated urgency like What is the range?
You know what they should replace it with? This is what they, I swear to God, when you're like 10 feet from the car, it should go, girl. And then when you get like five feet, it should be like, girl. And then it should go, oh. No, and then it should be like, girl. And then shaka-kan. And then shaka-kan, right when you back into a person. Shaka-kan. Like that's what it should be.
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Chapter 3: How did Trixie learn to drive again after a long hiatus?
And if you're a trans lady, I'm going to need you to bring your cock to the cock room, okay? There's no men's and women's bathrooms no more. It's the cock room and the pussy room. The pussy and tits and the vagina room, okay? So I'm going to need you to take your cock and I'm going to need you to bring it to the room where I bring my cock. And we're going to piss together.
That's what they said. They're obsessed with the genitals. They are. They're obsessed with it. Because they're grooming and groping. They're obsessed with it. Because they're grooming and groping at the theater, Bobert. It's also like, are you telling me, as a cis man, that if you were in a bathroom where there was women, you wouldn't be able to-
You'd be kicking down bathroom doors and saying, show me those titties and your pussy. Is that what you're saying? I'm sorry. I can't go to the urinal because my dick is compelled to slide between your big hot breasts because I know there might be a woman in that stall over there. Yeah. I'm too erect to pee. You're a fucking pervert. You're a weird pervert. Exactly. You're a weird fucking pervert.
I can't stand it. It is such a thing. I need to bring your cock to the cock room. It's weird. It's so weird. It's also weirdly telling trans women like, come pee with me. Like it's kind of pervy in that way. But let me tell you something. Let me tell you motherfucking something about when I'm in the airport and have to go to the public restroom. I don't want to go there.
I wish they were all one-person bathrooms. I don't ever want to go to the bathroom. At my house, at your house, at anybody's house, at the airport, at Wendy's. It's disgusting. I wish we hadn't. And it burns when I pee. And it always has. I always have hemorrhoids. And the blood. It smells like shit. It's just something we have to get over with. Nobody's trying to hang out in a bathroom.
It's just not something we're doing, okay? Like, yeah, certain gay guys cruise the Home Depot. That's their gig, okay? That doesn't concern you. Okay. That's their gig. That's out in the open. It's Adam and Eve, not Black and Decker. Okay. You stay away from the Home Depot. You go to Lowe's. Okay. Just get out of here. Okay. We got to go. But wait, you are so right about that.
It's like, if that's what's on your mind. You're a pervert. It's you, baby. It's you. You are the problem. So you think that if you knew there was a woman going pee in here, you would be so wrecked and bricked. Yeah, kick that door down and open that mouth so that pee stream goes in your mouth. You couldn't pee with a woman you don't know pee. Too hot, too erect, too arousing, too provocative.
That's a pervert. And I think a lot of these bathroom things, it's because women don't feel comfortable peeing with men around. Well, also, you know what I mean? Just the fact that women have to grow up and live their lives under the constant threat of assault by men everywhere. Also, the bathroom in the street on the horse race.
The paradox is if you if you're Republican and you're obsessed with making these biological females use the women's room, you're sending men into the women's room. You're actually sending, by sending trans men, you're just sending men into the woods. You need to send that pussy to the pussy room. The cock to the cock room and pull your cock out in the cock room. Isn't that crazy? It is insane.
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Chapter 8: What sponsors support this episode and what do they offer listeners?
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Can I complain about health for one second? I know we're supposed to have gratitude. One of my fun little symptoms of my arthritis is just my skin rejects glue, makeup, shaving. The back of my neck where I wear a wig will get a rash. The lids where the glue is. The eyebrows where the glue is. The hairline where the glue is. Anything that rubs. The armpits where the sequins touch.
Well, that's great. Everything gets... Everything the next day is like... Thought that shit was pretty cute, didn't you? Thought that was pretty fucking funny, didn't you, bitch? You know what it gives? You may remove your vigs. Girl. And it's underneath all that nasty stuff underneath.
I'm going to have to become one of those Hollywood starlets that just sits home slugging in a giant goop mask with a head towel on until like once a month when I go to an event. That's what's going to happen. Baby, that's me. Yeah. I've been getting into the under eye things. They don't do nothing. I don't care. I love it. But you feel it.
No, I just... You go to bed with one ice cube on each eyelid. The other day, I was like... What was I doing? I was doing the meditating because it's 20 minutes. So I put on the Korean face mask. Sure. Then I secure it with the gel pads because it was lifting. So I needed to secure it. What do they call it in the morning? TikToks call it like my morning... It's like an unpeel, my morning shred.
Morning shred. Where the girls wake up and take the sticker off here, take the under eyes off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The jaw strap. They're all sticking with the jaw strap on. The headgear. Mary, they all look like they were just in a car accident where they almost died. Where they're like time-lapse recovering from plastic surgery super quick. Yes. But yeah.
But wait, I don't know why I was saying that. We were talking about you putting the little eye patches on trying to feel something. Oh, yeah. I feel like, oh. But those are postage stamps. I don't know what you're doing. You know what they look like? I feel like I'm putting pieces of ginger from sushi. Oh, sure. You know how slices of sliced ginger, that's exactly what they look and feel like.
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