Some of you may have heard this one before but we know there's new listeners lurking every second. Welcome!! The water's lukewarm!! Not very comfortable if you ask me. Anywho I'm talking about the perverts including but not limited to Adam Levine, philosophical thoughts (why does a vulva resemble a rose?) and the significance of aquarius in pluto - hold on to your britches bitches!!Sponsors:Nuuly: nuuly.com and enter the code GABBYWINDEY and sign up to get $28 off your first monthThe Knot: Let The Knot be your partner in all things wedding planning. Get started at theknot.com/audioBirdy Grey: If you’re in wedding planning mode, head to birdygrey.com. Grab your six free swatches, find the perfect shade, and get your wedding party dressed—starting at just $89.Draftkings: Sign up with code GABBYWINDEY and wager a minimum of five dollars to receive FIVE HUNDRED CASINO SPINS ON A FEATURED GAME. casino.draftkings.com/promosLucy: Go to Lucy.co/GABBY and use promo code(GABBY) to get 20% off your first orderProduced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: What is the introduction to 'this one's for the bandwagon'?
And welcome back to another episode of Long-Wandered. Okay, what's new and we're back. We're back. What's new? Nothing. And that's what they say. No news is good news. And that's what they say. It'll all come out in the wash. And that's what they say when you give a mouse a fucking cookie. And that's just what they say. So we're back and lots to discuss. So I'll get right into it.
Chapter 2: Why is the host taking acting classes?
I'm taking an acting class. She's going to be an actress. It's not me. It's Mrs. Iglesias. Yes, I'm half Mexican. Yes, submit me for all the roles. No, I cannot speak Spanish. My mom did not one thing right, including teaching me Espanol. She just couldn't do it. She had to keep it for herself. No, you can't have none of that. No, you can't have a skill.
That'll put you above and beyond the gen pop. That'll put you first for any kind of selection. No, I'm going to keep that from you. So I had my meeting with my acting teacher, who's absolutely in fucking sane, just like you would expect. I show up, I sit down. We're meeting each other. She has what's called a tuna can behind her.
Come to find out it's not tuna, but a 13-year-old chihuahua of sorts. Googly-eyed, glaucoma-ed. Almost falling out of its head. Oh, are you here to meet tuna? Oh, are you here to get tuna? Oh, a tuna can's calling? In comes a guy with a limp, just pulled a hamstring. His biceps are popping out of his muscle teeth. I'm concerned for his veins because they look dilated.
Like they cannot control all of the testosterone flowing through and the 85 grams of protein he just had for a mid-evening snack. Bends over to grab tuna. His leg doesn't move. Anyways, now that I've set the scene. Nardo. He likes to eat. Nardo. Hey. He likes to chew holes in this rug. And don't they all like to chew holes in your rug? Anyways. I show up.
We finally, she gives me a script to study and prepare via email. I'm communicating with an assistant. I have this problem recently where I'm reading things too fast. I'm not really getting into the meat. I print out the whole script. I study it, take it to the spa, mark it up, really try and get into character. I know what I'm doing here. I'm not going to need any more lessons. I led with...
I just have to tell you, I'm a Capricorn. I come overly prepared. I really do my homework. I pull out the script, all highlighted. Did you prepare scene two? What? You mean the beginning? Oh, it was instructed to you to prepare scene two, sure. Sure, I know how to play this game. I'm walking into a room where there's a power dynamic. You are the teacher. I am the student.
Sure, I'll swallow my pride. I know you're fucking wrong. I know there was no way there was any differentiation, any instructions on the hyperlinked line Jenny script. I'm a Capricorn. I come overprepared, I say. Turns out I prepared the wrong thing. She was right the whole time. I went back and looked. There's no way she just said seen to. And in fact, she did.
She knows exactly what she's talking about. So I'm coming in with an L. I'm coming in with an L right on my forehead after I told her I'm the type of person to overprepare. Ding. She's got a ding. Me. A demerit system. That's what we lived by. My mom would be like, that's a ding. Two dings and I'm getting the belt, the braided kind. I wish I was kidding.
Anyways, so we get into it and you're a natural of sorts, she says. She's going to be a star. It went straight to my head. I could barely take it. And she thinks I'm cute. My head cannot fit in the room. You're a natural in some ways. and quite an unnatural in others drops the bomb. I don't know who I am anymore. What do you mean unnatural? I can learn anything. I can put my mind to anything.
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Chapter 3: How do men's behaviors influence the host's perspective?
Not around here. You're not. Yo, you, yo. How are you? That's how I do it. Yo. But she said, yo. Like, okay, fuck. Now I have to start in the pre-beginner course. I'm looking at two months of coursework, four hours each, twice a week. Who has time for that? When I'm highly depressed and must be bedridden for 60% of the week in order to have any energy. for what's to come.
That's including feeding myself. That's including feeding the dog. That's including scrolling social media for hours. That's including preparing each week for a dissertation on topics you don't give a fuck about. Welcome to long-winded y'all. Anyways. That's how we begin.
And then I'll move in to all of the ways in which men have gotten under my skin lately and likely in which all the ways men have gotten under my skin like a terrorizing tick burrowing its disgusting disease-ridden head on its way to give me limes.
That's how I feel about men recently because of various circumstances, instances that I've been privy to, which I am here to tell you about on your long drive to work, on your morning commute, on your evening commute, hopefully on the TV. I'm trying to get on your turf. I want to be a YouTube star, please. Like and subscribe. And leave me five stars. I'll start with this.
In order to show up to my first acting class and blow her out of the water after therapy, I was reading the script over a meal of sugarfish, over where I do the best thinking, over a salmon nigiri. $35 lunch special. So my favorite place to be, yes, I'll take an ice cream tea, and yes, I'm going to snort it. Yeah, I'm going to put it right up my butt.
So I'm going to be firing on all fours when it comes to Jenny. That's the character I was playing, which I thought was made for me, but apparently it wasn't. Yo. There's a couple right next to me. Fuck. Now I have no choice but to put the script away and eavesdrop and hang on to every word so I can report the news to you all in real time. Here's a couple sitting next to me at the bar.
Big, a big old uggo. I'm sorry. I'm sorry he earned it. Receding hairline and all. Pot belly. Chicklets for veneers. I need to memorize this man's face in case I need to recognize him in a lineup for all of his crimes that he will be committing undoubtedly. And I know this because I watched him for 35 straight minutes. Maybe he had some kind of an adrenal insufficiency. I don't know.
It was giving like hypothyroidism in the face. Of course, it can be treated with a dose of Synthroid, but I'm sure he doesn't go to his PCB quite often enough. He's on the homeopathic regimen. He doesn't believe in Western medicine and he doesn't believe in Westernization of women. Let me get into it. His girlfriend, I'm assuming is his girlfriend. Also, they probably have not made it official.
I hope to God for her sake they haven't. She is gorgeous. She has her eyelashes done. She has a cute hat on. She has a bubbly personality and she's eating it up. She's under the man's thumb. She's gotta get out of there, but she's young. So there's still time. She's playing along with the terrible humor that is this man. And I will say most straight men.
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Chapter 4: What is the controversy surrounding Adam Levine?
They think that there's no other conversation starter than their micro dick, which is vasodilating, not growing. It's maybe growing by a couple centimeters because of the music he heard. What? What, this is all that you have to say? Actually, you're doing the music that you love and you think is award-winning? You're comparing it to your teeny tiny little dick?
I put some respect on this music's name. It's not funny. She lets out a giggle. I'm like, oh, I've been there. You don't have to laugh at these things anymore. You don't have to do it anymore. No, we're getting our power back. You don't deserve a boner. Boner. Boner.
And that's something, it's like, if we talk about our vaginas like that, everybody laughs and not, I'm not in a way that makes you want to be in on it in a way that's laughing at you. Well, have I got news for you. There's this new thing called pussy power. Anyways. He goes, OK, that was one tasteless joke. All right. OK, so I'm tuned in. All right. Now I have some entertainment.
OK, I'm paying attention. And then he goes on to say, I don't know. I don't know if he was trying to make conversation. I don't know if he was trying to connect with her. I have actually no fucking clue what he was doing. And then he goes, oh yeah, did you fuck him? The room falls silent. The room being the three of us. They don't know that I'm a third listening into the conversation.
She's like, what? Or, oh, and then he goes, oh yeah, that's right. Oh, maybe he just put it in. What kind of conversation? Why are you asking your girlfriend or soon to be girlfriend who she's fucked? And if they put it in all the way, this is the only thing that you have to talk about? This is your charisma trying to woo your hot young girlfriend? No. No, you're getting on my nerves.
And I want to squeeze you until your head pops off like the dirty little tick you are. Exhibit A, that's just one way they really got under my skin. And then the next one, I'll let you know. is Maroon 5. I forget where I was. I was somewhere, maybe waiting for a vitamin shot. And this gorgeous song comes on. And you will be loved. And you will.
listening to it and I start listening to it and I'm like, Adam Levine, are you predatory? Obviously we knew that he cheated on his wife with some, like, I don't know, 126 girls or something. Obviously, but you had to hide it in a beautiful ballad. And then I was thinking about the lyrics. Beauty queen of only 18. What, you're a pervert?
She's sobbing, crying in your arms, and you're making her believe that you're the only one that can save her? No, you know she has to save herself. And you will be loved. Not by you, you sick freak. You're too old to be going after an 18-year-old. And you know it. And she needs to go on her own journey of self-worth to decide who she wants to be loved by.
And I know it's not you, you creepy old man. Get out of here. I knew all the words. I had to wait. I had to wait this long for my frontal lobe to develop to actually realize what this song was about. And there goes my childhood once again.
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Chapter 5: How does the host discuss wedding planning?
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The Knot connects you to the wedding inspo, vendors, venues, and planning tools you need to make your day totally you. When it comes to your wedding, you've got ideas. We've seen the Pinterest boards you've been curating. For the last 10 to 15 years now, now finally, let's put them to good use with The Knot because they have the connections to make it happen.
The Knot is actionable inspiration and has expert advice based on helping couples plan over 25 million real weddings with photos, articles, and more to help bring your vision to life. Because let's face it, you can't do it on your own, even if you're a Capricorn. Plan anywhere, anytime with the wedding planning app with the most five-star reviews.
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Let The Knot connect you to all of the people, places, and tools you need to help bring your wedding to life. Get started at thenot.com slash audio. That's T-H-E-K-N-O-T dot com slash A-U-D-I-O. Okay, so there's been lots of discussion about Sophie Raine. For those of you who have no idea what's going on, she's the only fangirls who reportedly makes $43 million a year.
Jaw on the floor, hyperventilating, where's the sign up? Obviously, this creates some discourse from some conversation, a controversial topic. All the men are enraged. Okay, you're the one subscribing. Okay, men. Okay, the patriarchy created this demand. Of pussy popping, titty tooting on an app. You created this. You and your tech buds. Because you need this demand.
Because you have an insatiable need for sexual activity. Remember when it was like a bragging right?
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Chapter 6: What are the societal implications of OnlyFans creators?
I wish it wasn't because I'm all about the girly getting her bag. So now we've introduced the patriarchy again. They cannot let us have our own thing. Naturally, they have to control it. They created this industry and now they're controlling it and they're taking all the money. And these girls are not seeing probably a fraction of that. Some were even like, is this a marketing tool?
Because Sophie didn't go on this podcast. She was like, this is how much I make. I don't want to hurt your feelings. But she didn't really expand. She kept that part to herself. Could never be me. I would be fired immediately.
And I'd be like, and this bitch ass with the furry belly and hairline starting about the tops of his cartilage on his ears, who should be freshly off a plane from Turkey after getting hair plugs, is taking all my money and he doesn't deserve it. human trafficking, sex trafficking is a crime and exploiting goods and sex. Okay. That's what they're doing. And they're dead to me. So now I'm upset.
Okay. Cause first I thought that she was, you know, just making some money off of these dumb ass men. And then, and then I got all high and I was like, Oh, I got to do the math. I got to know the sheer amount of men that are subscribing and paying her to to make more money than they ever will in selling in their basement, creating some kind of a tech app that will never take off.
So instead, they're still eating TV dinners because their mom refuses to cook for them because their mom doesn't even want them around. Do you blame them? I sure don't. They'll never make this kind of money. I wanna know how many of them there are. So I do, so I come up with a baseless formula naturally. I know exactly what to do.
I remember the fraction times X over a hundred equals a percentage of men. I create, I'm like, okay, if she's making $43 million, So I'm just, I don't even know where I got these numbers. I do think, I'm not gonna explain things, but I do a lot of thinking in my head. I have a lot of internal thoughts. This number equaled about 4 million. That is wrong because that means that
she would, that they would only be paying like $10. And I know she probably has the same people coming back over and over again. But what I'm assuming is that I'm sure all the, it's like a mid-sized city, all the men in a mid-sized city, which isn't nothing, but I did think it was going to be more. I would like to know basically how many subscribers she has. Okay, the formula is not working.
It's not proving to be true. I cannot figure it out for once in my life. I need help. I need to know. How many perverts are out there? So, so basically I'm like another Hulu Netflix documentary waiting in the wings. We'll never know the truth. So I think there should be a union of sorts. I think there should be a union for sex workers. Let's unionize because it's dangerous work by nature.
So they need protection. And the first chapter would be no men allowed to manage them. Don't even come close. No, women only. And the managers can only take a max percentage of 30%, chapter one. Chapter one, get those grubby little XY chromosomes off my money. I want to be managed by a woman because with a man in the picture, there's already a power dynamic just by sheer anatomy.
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