We're getting into my three favorite girls Meryl Streep, Trisha Paytas and Robby Hoffman and my three least favorite men Justin B*ldoni, El*n M*sk and you'll have to wait and listen for the last enjoy!!!!!Sponsors:The Knot: Let The Knot be your partner in all things wedding planning. Get started at theknot.com/audio.Arya: VISIT arya.fyi AND USE CODE GABBYWINDEY for 15% off today!Bellesa: FREE TOYS OR GIFT CARDS FOR TOYS! Everyone who signs up to my giveaway with Bellesa wins something! https://www.bboutique.co/vibe/longwinded-podcast Quince: Go to Quince.com/gabbywindey for free shipping on your order and 365-day returnsPlease note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: Why is Gabby recording so early?
The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Wait a second, I have some, I have some, I have some, let me turn myself up. Hello. Okay. I have some things to do. Okay. Right at the top of the hour. I have some things to do and I have a lot to say what's new. First of all, I'm recording this on Saturday at seven in the morning because I have somewhere to be. Imagine that.
I have something to do besides all of you. Yeah, I might have a lot to say, but also I'm in a contract. I don't want to be here. I'll be hit. I'll be served. I'll be given some kind of lethal paperwork that's going to want money from me. Who doesn't want money from me? So no, I have to come here and deliver week after week. Imagine the pressure. Imagine how I feel.
It's too much to bear right on my head. It's going to squish my skull into a pancake. If you don't do it first. But anyways, so good morning. Here's my coffee mug. I don't know if you guys have seen this one. It's Girls Weekend Toes in the Sand. Isn't that nice? I got it on our first trip to the Hamptons. It's four girls. This, which one's me? This one's me in the yellow.
Here, a nice little leg cross, red hair. I've always said I wanted to dye my hair red. Maybe when I'm going through a midlife crisis because that's when people dye their hair red. And then this one's Robbie, the one in the shorts and the little hat. And then this one and this one. This one's Rosie O'Donnell. And this one's Sylvia Plath. And those are our lesbian couple friends, but they're new.
They just started fucking. They just started. Slipped a finger in, if you know what I mean, because that's fucking in lesbian culture and that's the way we like it. Because in that singular finger, you'll feel more intimacy, more love and emotion than you've ever felt with that flaccid little anteater coming at your belly button. They're new, so it's sweet.
Oh, because I'm getting on a flight to Portugal, okay? And Robbie's coming with me because she's the love of my life. And I get a plus one and I don't like to go anywhere without her, okay? She's a grounding force. She makes all of the whelming of life. She makes all of the overwhelming of life just whelming. She helps me to handle. Can you imagine?
And welcome back to another episode of Long Wander. Okay, shall we? Shall we? Naturally, I'll talk about the discourse. Is Gabby okay? I know her shtick is depression and she talks about it, but genuinely, has anyone checked on her? Yeah. Yeah, everyone. Are you blind? Have you heard nothing? Are your ears plugged?
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Chapter 2: What is Gabby's take on capitalism and societal issues?
Are those three little bones in your brain not so reverberating on the correct frequency to understand that I'm okay? Yes, of course I'm okay. I'm too good in fact. I'm too good. Now I don't know what to do with myself. Am I going to be able to create art now that I am somewhat for the first time in my life at some kind of level of contentment? Is that okay with you?
Because it's a scary place to me. What do you mean? Is she okay? And of course I'm not okay. Are we treading on the same planet? Do you know capitalism? It's ruining our lives. Do you know, faschism, it's coming to get us. Not so slow. It's coming to get us in a flat bill and ugly sunglasses, probably Oakley, and a chainsaw on stage at some kind of a conference. Are you kidding?
What are you doing? That is Elon Musk. Okay. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay. Yeah, I'm okay. Because the greatest thing to ever happen to me besides falling in love, it gave me, this is what I'm about to tell you, is the same feeling as when Robbie and I were falling in love at a lesbian dance party to Katy Perry's teenage dream on the perfect amount of mushrooms.
I looked down into her beautiful face and I saw forever in those gorgeous green eyes and circle sunglasses. That she's had for, I don't know, 12 years and she will not let me touch. Baby, they're crooked. They need an adjustment. It doesn't matter, she says. It's made of a soft material she cannot touch. And she can't get new lenses. No, because she can train her eyes to not get any worse.
And what happened to me? And it gave me an out of body experience. I was levitating. This is what happens when I become too heavy, when I have too many dopamines in my brain, when they're all becoming levels, they start to float slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. There goes the Achilles heel. I can't stop it. I can't stop it. I can't stop it. And then my little piggies.
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Chapter 3: Why is Gabby excited about Trisha Paytas?
And then I'm floating because Trisha Paytas says she likes me. Because Trisha Paytas has been talking about me. How about you? Maybe if you're lucky. She's the single most person that I've been following for at least two years. And that's a lot for me. She got me at, do you think rare beauty is called rare because of her rare disease? Actually, Trisha, you might be onto something.
And then I started levitating. And then I can exactly remember I was making a coffee. And then I got a DM from Trisha Paytas. And then I started floating. I had an out-of-body experience. I was like, this was never supposed to happen to a girl like me. It was never supposed to. And now look where we are. Look where we are. And the drag queen community is fully embracing me, okay?
Now we've made it. We've made it. I have them on my side. I can do anything with an army of drag queens. And I can. Who says long-term relationships have to be predictable? I always say I'll try anything once and if I like it, twice. And I've tried Aria many times. Aria turns been there, done that into whoa. Oh, let's do that again.
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Chapter 4: What is the significance of Gabby's marriage?
Yeah, if that's not the form of highest praise, I don't know what in. I don't need to be embraced by any other community besides Trish Like Fish and drag queens. That's right. That's right. That's why I'm getting eight hours of sleep a night and I wake up feeling refreshed. That's why my nightmares aren't getting to me as much. And yes, I have nightmares every night.
I woke up to one this morning because I have PSTD. The disease of the brain. And then I'll stop there. But who doesn't? Who doesn't, okay? And I don't know. I don't know where you've been in the last day. And sorry to break the news to you like this. And I might have to cut this whole thing.
And I do have to remind myself to change what I'm about to show you in about 10 minutes in case something bad happens and things do not go to plan only every single fucking time I'm married. Oh, I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry, but this is the single best thing, also besides just being in the garage, I know I keep saying it, is Robbie.
And you guys know, and I know, and now we're married. And I'm sorry to make you green with envy, but if it can happen to me, it can... Oh, I gotta set it. That was my alarm to take off my ring in case all does not go to plan. So I have to set another one because fuck, I cannot rerecord this, okay? Because I told you I'm gonna be on a flight to Portugal. And it's too much for me.
It's too much for me to cross my teeth and dot my eyes and pack the right medication to fall asleep at the exact right time. And no, I don't want to miss a meal. No, wake my ass up. But if I'm hard to wake up, then please just leave it in front of me. I want to wake up to the smell of a TV dinner that can sometimes be surprisingly good.
And I've been putting on my ring and taking it off and putting it off and taking it off because I don't, because we got married two months ago and we kept it to ourself for once. Can I keep one thing to myself for once? No, I can't. I wish I could be more mysterious, but that blessing is not bestowed upon me because I have to tell you my every single thought to make a dime around here.
All the air of mystery ripped away. Never you, me, you, you, ubiquitous you. And now every time I look down at my ring, I see her gorgeous little head staring back at me. And then I want to squeeze it. I want to squeeze it. You know, when you see a cute baby, God forbid, and you want to squeeze it so tight. Oh, but it still has its fontanelles. Now what are you going to do?
Now what are you going to do? Besides ruin that baby's future all because of you. So don't even squeeze. Don't even come near the baby. But this is how I feel about my ring. It was the best day of my life. I want to relive it over and over and over again. You want to know what being married is like. You want to know what being married feels like.
It feels like leaning over in the bed when you don't have any underwear on because you packed it all and you only have a couple of clean pairs. You have to go to Victoria's Secret to hit the five for 25, but you haven't had any time. So you're not wearing any underwear, but naturally a t-shirt.
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Chapter 5: Why does Gabby admire Meryl Streep?
And then I know you, you're going to shove it right in your nose, if not your mouth, you sick freak. Okay, now let's really get into it. Now let's really get into it, the Meryl Streep of it all. Meryl Streep is the hottest woman in the world. No questions, no contestations. I will not hear it. Have you seen her in Death Becomes Her? That little number in the beginning?
and character heels and great pantyhose better than Sabrina Carpenter's. No, she stole it from Meryl Streep in a perfectly placed wig. And she's doing a double stag leap all over the stage effortlessly with confidence that we could only dream about. The confidence comes from within. She knows she is Grace. and wit, and sass, and charisma.
No, no, we could only hope and pray, not even on your knees, but on all fours to your Lord. Please make me more like Meryl Streep. And because if you tried to double stag to chasse leap all over the stage, you know where it'd get you? Four counts late on the next eight count. You rushing and rushing and rushing to try and finish it up and hit that hip bump.
But instead you knocked out one of your homosexual dancers. He's on his way to the ER and you've ruined the whole performance. but you somehow save it at the end with that little move you've been working on. This splits, but you can only get halfway without pulling a hamstring. No, you're tight. We're not 18 anymore. That's what would happen.
That's what would happen if we tried to be anything like Meryl Streep. Because she emanates from within and on the outside. You can't take your eyes off of her because she loves herself. And people try and undermine. People try and undermine. She's not conventionally attractive. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror anytime lately?
Have you washed your hands and looked up at that dirty fingerprint mirror anytime lately and who's looking back at you? She's not conventionally attractive. This is just a way to make women feel like they're not good enough. What the fuck is new? Don't come at me, you dirty troll. Because obviously this is coming from men. Because no, because no, because it is true.
And you don't know until you know, until you get to the point. And I hate and I hate and I hate giving you one glimmer of hope. But fuck, I'm married and I'm feeling good. I'm wifed up. I'm a wife and she's a wife or a husband, whatever she wants to be. We are bride and groom because we're because we're on a spectrum of ourselves of sorts because it's only us. Because it doesn't matter.
Because we cannot be comparing ourselves to the other. No. Because if you feel good for you, then that's all that counts. Damn, I feel good today. If you want in your skinny jeans, then you do. And that's all that fucking counts. You walk out that door with your head held high. And who gives a shit who else is out there? Because it's all about what you think. And then it becomes true.
And then it all becomes true. I don't have to look at her button nose or her perfectly powdered lips that I need 1.5 CCs of filler to try and get, but then they look a little heavy. I'm like an inner tube. Well, that's okay, this is for me. And I love having big plump lips, the bottom lip especially.
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Chapter 6: What is Gabby's view on self-confidence and beauty standards?
If your friend looks in the mirror and she's lighting up with her camel toe, you're going to let her have it. How do these jeans look? Well, they look amazing with your fat pussy because it's a sign of power. Don't tell me I have a camel toe because I love it. Don't tell me my pussy lip has escaped my dress because I have long lips and they have a mind of their own.
And finally, you can see what I can see. which was a real story. We were at a Cosmo party and Tuffy was there and JT was on stage. Hello. So I was on the couches. Naturally, she's my city girl. And I was dancing and dancing and dancing and my left lip escaped. Tuffy was laughing. She was laughing. She was laughing. She's like, Gabby, you're pussy.
And I was like, finally, somebody sees me for who I am. Long labia lover girl. Because it's for us to decide. Yes, you got to be honest if your friend has something in their teeth and they're more than 10 seconds away from the mirror. Yes, you got to tell them. Maybe. Maybe, of course. That is a good friend.
But if you can tell your friend likes what they're looking at, what are you gonna tell them? No, no, we support women's rights and wrongs because mostly their wrongs are rights and you cannot tell me any different. Yes, I am an apologist. And the only time we need to be honest was when they're looking desperate over a man. No, girl, you're better than him. He wishes.
No, because no, because she's not you. Let him go to the party. Let him go to the bar. No, because he'll never find someone like you. And he'll regret the day he ever left the house without you or her. So that's what I have to say about that. Oh, you found your person. Oh, you found your person you want to get married to.
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Chapter 7: How does Gabby define friendship and honesty?
So let's be a little provocative, a little TMI, and have exactly the kind of conversation we all need right now. Let's get into it.
And then I have something to say. Now let's talk about the three men who no one can stop talking about and they are all the equal amount of pervert Justin Baldoni, Elon Musk, Dylan Efron. Let's get into this, shall we? Let's get into the Justin Baldoni flake lively of it all. That's what Robbie calls Blake Lively. Flake Lively. What are we doing?
I don't know if I'm so much interested in the Blake V. Justin or the Candace Owens of it all. She loves this. She cannot get enough. She's salivating. So this is where I'm getting all of my information from. The most credible outlet of them all. Free Press. She says whatever the fuck she wants and it's free to access on Spotify podcasts. And I'm not taking a side. I'm not taking a side.
I'm not taking the Candace side. I'm not taking the Blake side. I'm not taking the Justin side. I'm not taking sides. They're all as right and as wrong as they wanna be. No, because I don't care. No, because it's not that deep, let me tell you. No, because have you ever heard their fucking? No, because have you ever heard hell hath fury like a woman scorned? We know what's going on here.
We saw the rooftop scene. Undeniable, some kind of weird chemistry that made me uncomfortable watching. Is this good acting? I doubt it. I've never heard of Justin Baldinone before this. No, it was scaring me like I was watching something I wasn't supposed to and not in a good way because this is the raw footage. No, it's scary.
It's terrifying because obviously she told you she was breastfeeding in her trailer and that you could come in because you were next. You were next on the feeding list. Because it's your turn to breastfeed and she's going to throw. And then she threw her baby head first out the window. It's your turn, Justin. Let's get some of that nutrient rich colostrum.
And Ryan Reynolds is mad that they didn't let him cuck because he wanted to watch. But now he has to exercise all his power. Now he's really taking over, suing this, suing that. Who knew there was $400 million in the pot? But it's all going to the same place. I bet they're all in on it.
This is just a bigger scam to launder their money to the Caribbean island so they can buy another soccer team that nobody pays attention to. so they can maybe buy what's left of that island. And you know which one I'm talking about, not the Isle of Lesbos. And who knows what they're gonna do on it? I don't wanna know. More of this breastfeeding, I'm sure. Save it, save it.
In the voice memo, in the voice memo, Justin, don't talk to me in that voice. It's condescending and it's 2 a.m. Why are you up all night thinking about me at 2 a.m.? You call yourself a professional? Why didn't you set a Zoom call like the rest of us? Don't send me a voice memo that's over 120 seconds long, hello, and get HR on the Zoom because I don't trust anything that's going on.
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Chapter 8: What role does 'The Knot' play in wedding planning?
And everyone knows you're sending a voice memo because you don't want to get caught talking shit in written word. You need it in spoken. Because as the great Dorinda Medley has said, say it, forget it, write it, regret it. He knows. He knows because they were all in on it from the beginning. They're all plotting and planning which text messages to leak, which nudes to leak.
There's been no nudes yet. Which voice bamboos to leak, which rooftop scene to leak. Well, it's all very bamboozling. It's all very confusing because it all leads to the same place you were fucking. This is a fight between billionaires, which we will never understand.
Yeah, Justin Maldoni might not have a dollar to his name because who knows what he's spending it on, that little wrist around his, that little watch around his little wrist. No, I do not like his bicep to hand ratio. It gives me the heebies. That's where he spent, but his partner in the studio is a billionaire. So this is what's going on. They don't think like us. They're not like us.
As the prophet Kendrick Lamar has been saying, we don't actually know what's going on. And you know what? And once again, I don't wanna know. Yes, I do. I wanna see Taylor Swift deposed, show up in a sequins bodysuit that looks just like a onesie. It's brief cut. And she's going to get up there and she's going to be like, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off.
I was never involved. which she did get sucked in, I'm sure of it. This was also part of the plan. Justin told Blake to involve Taylor and call them all her dragons as she is Khaleesi. That is not her own wording. That is Justin's. Obviously, all of this is alleged. Alleged. Because I don't trust a man who stands on a platform that he supports women. No, I don't.
No, did your own kind neglect you? No, the men can't even see through you, but something about you makes them innately want to disown you. No, your own kind. It's always your own people. They're pushing you away. They don't want, they don't want you in their community of the men. So you have to pander to women. Oh, this one I'll got, I'll get, I'll pray on them. Cause they'll buy my bullshit.
Well, I'm not buying. I'm not buying one segment, not one. Justin Ballard, dream on baby. You ain't gonna, you ain't gonna get me. No, because who says out loud that he's a man? Nardo. Oh, He just got a groom. Who says out loud that he's a man who silenced his wife in public? He'd always cut her off. He didn't ever let her tell a joke or finish a sentence.
And he said this out loud in, dare I say, a braggadocious manner. He's unscripturalist. Sore did. Those ethics, those morals are all wrapped up. They're all confused and left for dead. Don't talk to me about how women should be treated. Just do it. Just do it.
And don't brag about how you've wronged them every step of the way and think that you could get away with it with your olive skin and curly locks. No, I can see right through you. And it's making it worse. No, because you're a smug little fuck. You're a smug little fuck and those fingers are half as long as they should be.
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