Markiplier presents, "A Heist with Bob & Wade." This episode is brought to you by Degree Deodorant. Grab the original Cool Rush at Walmart or Target today. Download the Rocket Money app now, and tell them we sent you! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the sponsor for this episode?
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Good evening, gentle listeners and watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, mystifying Mark advises on OBS, then challenges the chaps to burgle a big booty. Belious Bob talks blue jackets and bangles, spies on birds, has bullshit braid, and bazookas. Worthy Wade swoons over a prince, demands camera camaraderie, then streaks and self-castrates. From Spy Hard to Buckets of Shit. Yes!
It's time for the even more perfecter crime. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted.
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Chapter 2: What happened with Degree's Cool Rush formula?
And enjoy the sh- And host us and ghost us and coast us and nail all of our dicks to the wall. I was stealing a Weird Al's Spy Hard intro but giving it to you since you had no musical interlude. Oh. Anyway, hi. Welcome back to Distractible. You heard half of that song because the recording aren't really started. It wasn't meant for anyone but you. You started it.
That's the new this is the new intro to the episodes the moment the recording starts put that in Welcome to distractible.
My name is Mark Blair. I'm joined with Bob and Wade here Wade the musical master Bob just a guy but a great guy and these two are gonna compete today You you've read the title of the episode and trust me. I've fixed it. I got it good this time I know exactly how to do this This is the 20 minutes that everyone wanted to see that got cut out? Yes. No. Yes. Maybe. All right.
But before we get into that, we want to get into you guys' lives, spend a little bit. So what's new with you?
This is probably not interesting for most people, but it's hockey playoffs. It's about to be hockey playoffs. As we record this, it's like the end of the season, not to date it too hard. Then the Blue Jackets are toying with everyone's hearts. If you're not a hockey fan, the Blue Jackets are the Columbus hockey team, and they were pretty mediocre this year. It was a weird season.
Our star player... and his brother actually died tragically in the off season in between seasons um in an accident and so a lot of the beginning of the season was sort of there were a lot of memorials and like i can't imagine having to like go and play on a professional sports team where that occurs and then the season starts and you have to jump in and try and be focused and and on it so it's
It's been kind of a different season for that. And they've done fairly well considering that that must have been on their minds for a lot of it and hard to deal with, I'm sure. But it's the end of the season. There are literally a couple games left and the Blue Jackets are literally doing the exact bare minimum to where they're not mathematically eliminated at
But literally, there's another team that needs to lose out to the end of the season and the Blue Jackets need to win out through the end of the season. And if maybe one or two other thing happens, we can maybe get the last wildcard spot. And every day I'm like, I'm almost like, just just lose. Just end this. This is an Ohio sports thing, is it? The Bengals did the exact same thing last year.
Yeah, it's just like that. Literally, the odds makers are like, the Jackets have a 0.7% chance of making the playoffs. And the Jackets were like, so you're telling me there's a chance?
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Chapter 3: What is the plot of 'The Even More Perfecter Crime'?
But I finally finished it, something I started at like 8 years old. So, it's weird being done with it. But that's done. I found a new gaming addiction. My weekly new gaming addiction. And I don't know if you guys are going to play it or not, but it's a game called Blueprints. It's like a puzzle mystery game. I just started recording it last week.
I kind of took last week off from streaming and stuff. I tried to take a little mini vacation and that turned into me recording like 14 hours of blueprints instead. So yay, good job me. But I've had a lot of fun with it. You kind of like build your own building and then there's all kinds of mysteries and secrets along the way and like each day things reset and you start over again.
What was it called? blueprints p-r-i-n-c-e blueprints is it different than the word blueprints or are you just saying it with a weird emphasis it is called blueprints p-r-i-n-c-e but blueprints is like a pun because you're building a blueprint so i see i see but
there's a lot more to it like the first couple of days I didn't really know what I was getting myself into it's a very deep game with a lot of stuff going on in it you don't really realize at first but I've been having a lot of fun with it a lot of fun and my last update is actually a plea for help from you too I'm not buying you a car and I don't know what I'm doing anymore because it's just been so long
uh so i need advice i think my camera that i've had for like seven years is starting to have issues recognizing that there's an sd card in there i think like something's going on where it's like because i've got multiple sd cards i was like i need to swap it this sd card's finally dying but like it's really being finicky about whether it's wanting to record onto sd cards right now so i'm like okay this thing's seven years old maybe something's going on with the reader maybe it's time for a new camera what is the new camera or camcorder to get in 2025
I always forget that you actually still press record on the camera and record onto an SD card. I haven't done that since like 2018.
Yeah, even though we had a lot of problems in the beginning of it, it's been working pretty flawlessly for like five years now. OBS recording a double wide image with your... Video going into it because you have your video going into your computer right now like we're seeing you Yes, you just put that in OBS. Can you record like two scenes at once?
I just don't want to have like my camera placated on literally you set it up so that you record two things one of them is your whole desktop and one of them is your whole face and It's one file which is double as wide as a normal video 3840 by 1080 And then when you edit it, you just go, and the other one you go, and then you have each file separately all from one single thing. Okay.
Well, I might have to try it. It's so much better. It's so much better.
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Chapter 4: How do Bob and Wade plan their heist?
Edible lockpick. Fascinating. To use on your dissolving handcuffs. And that's, okay, Wade, you have invisible UV reactive ink, glass cutter, and breakaway climbing rope. Bob, you have dissolving handcuffs, acoustic glass breaker, and an edible lockpick. Now, Wade, you have a debilitating weakness. Or benefit. We'll see what happens. Oh, benefit? Can it be good? It could be.
What kind of good thing could I get?
Is it like he has to be wearing glasses or he can't see?
Yeah, you have glasses because your vision is bad. If only they invented contact lenses. I can't take those in the sewer. Are you crazy? That's how you get shit eye. You have...
epileptic memory what the fuck does that mean i don't know so i put eidetic memory on there and i was like what's a counter that epileptic memory so anything i have to remember it's all like i'm like an epileptic i don't know what it means you just have it it's up to you oh okay okay great do you want me to spit again wouldn't the opposite of eidetic memory just be a fantasia
Uh, I guess. No, because you can still remember things in concept form.
But the thing about eidetic memory is it's like a photographical memory, right?
Well, it's epileptic memory. All right, I'm rolling again. Fine.
All right. Hang on, can I opt to just keep my epileptic memory and create the definition of what it is before we get started? I asked a chatbot and I got, epileptic memory is a rare and highly particular cognitive condition in which a person involuntarily and vividly recalls memories that never actually happened. These recollections come in short, intense bursts.
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Chapter 5: What are the unique items the thieves have?
it shockingly it does 18 there's no one there it just you knew that this was the perfect time not only did the guards shift at this time the kitchen staff were shifting out for third shift to come in no one's there no one can smell you no can see you you're on your way you are making it
I'll say you're making it towards the diamond room, because Bob had to get in and then to the diamond room, but I'll say, like, you're right there. You can see it through a gap in a doorway. All right. Bob, you smell something faint. You smell something sewer-y. You smell something really reeking of a horrible eye-stinging chemical, but just the faintest notes of it starting to waft.
My plan's coming together.
I'm standing in the diamond room. I set down my ladder and my sack and I get out my acoustic glass breaker, which looks like a shoulder-mounted bazooka. I get it out and I obnoxiously, I get it out, like I pull it out of my pant leg and get it on my shoulder and just like, and I power it on and it goes...
and it like starts building and i aim it up at the diamond and i'm just like like standing and i'm gonna shatter the glass that contains the diamond all right i let's see you got a one man oh no all right
i i don't know why i no one knows why but as it as it like builds up you were holding it backwards you didn't really know what it was all about the two guards behind you are like that's a weird doohickey they get evaporated just and then
just gone uh and so also all the glass from here to the very front of the entire uh uh museum is just absolutely bored through i'm gonna go ahead and say that that's a reset worthy event i opened my escape route perfectly what do you mean Maybe the rule is ones stay, whatever happens on the ones. I'm okay. Waits one stayed. Waits one stayed. All right. So, yeah, you held it backwards.
You just have to make it bad enough that the one stays, and it's a huge detriment to the whole situation.
Yep. There's now every piece of glass from you back to the front entrance is broken. The two guards from behind you are evaporated into a mist, and everyone behind you is now just clutching their ears like... And also you're really hurting. Your ears are really hurting from that. So you're not deaf, but your ears are ringing, Saving Private Ryan style. It'll come back in a, let's say in one turn.
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Chapter 6: What challenges do they face during the heist?
No, they believe you. All right. Okay, perfect. This is great. But they all turned away from you. Not a one of them is looking at you right now. It was risky play, but it paid off. They're all looking at Wade. Every single police in the area. There's like a big circle of them now all around the pit. Oh, looking at you. Wade now is another minus one.
I forgot to mention that any like actions directly against the other criminal can affect their roles. I assumed. All right, Wade. Things are not looking good. All right. You have vivid memories of your death. Your confidence is shaken. I'm back up holding one of the two ropes. I can't remember which. I have my hand on the diamond. I shove it into my empty sack. Wow.
Yeah, that doesn't sound... I knew that was your plan, but just, like, the vigil is so unpleasant. All the police are watching you as you do this. I want them to see.
Does it hurt him, or is it, like, fine?
All right, Wade, so you got a four. Oh, no. Oh, God. So it didn't work. Your sack is in tatters. All the police are like... You scream in agony as you try to do this. I don't know. They shoot you or something. I'm dead again? Alright, I'm back. So you can no longer stuff it in your sack if that was your plan. That's okay. I've got other orifices. All right, Bob, they're all looking away.
You just saw something really, truly terrible, but it reset, and you're like, man, I had a weird vision that he tried to stuff the diamonds.
I'm putting that out of my mind. I'm ignoring that. Everyone's ignoring me. I stand up. I dissolve my dissolving handcuffs, and I'm free. And as everyone else is focused on Wade, I look to my side, and I see a closet on the periphery of the room with a placard on it that says maintenance.
And I take out my edible lockpick and go try and jimmy my way into the maintenance closet real quick while everyone else is completely distracted.
I have a feeling that that's the same place that Wade just came from. So I'm not 100% sure that that would actually be locked. Wade, what do you think of that? Because it did sound like you come from the maintenance area if you came out of the sewer. So that door probably would be open. I would not have locked it. So I guess he could keep his lockpick. I think that door is already open.
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Chapter 7: How does the heist conclude?
bucket open bucket towards the diamond so ideally the bucket hits the diamond contains it as it flies through the air and the bucket lands like right side up containing the diamond opposite side of the thing for me that's a hell of a difficult thing to do damn 16 he did it though this guy throwing great yes he did it it go Wade you see a bucket go grab the diamond right by you you go and it's on the other side of the room standing up
I was a thrower in college.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm letting you guys do whatever you want. If the dice decide what reality believes here and that's exactly what happens. All these guys are climbing toward me. Their heads making beautiful platforms. I run across the top of the rope using their heads to get back to where Bob is and I've got two left feet. I've got practice with my weird movement abilities. I'm ready for this.
I haven't exactly given you guys much in terms of your disadvantages. I think they haven't played at all this time, so I'm not gonna count it now. Hey, I had an epileptic memory. You have, yeah, you're right. I smell really bad, and to look around, I have to do this. You're right, yeah. Okay. This is a weird dice. 16 again. Uh, yeah. You go, doink, doink, doink, doink, doink!
You run across all of their heads. All the other ones are outside the rope, are still looking at Bob, so you go, doink, doink, doink, and you land. Ha! Right there. And I wave at him again and hold up the other armpit! Oh, that's another action.
Yeah, just adding actions.
I get ready to raise my armpit! They see your muscles flexing in your shoulder about to raise. They get a bad feeling, a sinking feeling in their stomach. But it hasn't happened yet. It's only Bob. I don't want the other security guards to see me. Alright, Bob. The diamond is on the other side. You're within one turn of that diamond.
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