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Chapter 1: What is the premise of Big Dog Energy?
Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Woodless Wade winces at wanked-on mags and questions the boys about bugs and pussy. Mankini'd Mark is too hot, rar, purchases pitiful firepower, and ramrods his wick. Blue-eyed Bob can't fire it up, wants to get sticky, and states Wade looks like he pounds Garfield hard. From vegan bullets to upskirting owls. Yes!
It's time for Big Dog Energy. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I just made a spit bubble and I hope it didn't show up on camera. I'm joined as always by my co-hosts, Mark and Bob. Hello, how are you two doing? We're co-hosts today? Did we all win? We're always co-hosts. I'm just THE host. I don't think that's how that words work.
competitors is kind of what i've been hearing your competitive co-host and i'm the godlike one today who hasn't won in a long time and complained about it last episode it has been a long time but i'm glad to be back i wasn't really complaining about so much as trying to keep my streak alive i hope everyone is doing well while i try to figure out my life i'm gonna allow these two to have some small talk time what's up guys i learned an interesting thing about temperatures and furnaces this week
Oh, wow. Did you know it can be cold enough outside that your furnace, which is inside the house in the basement in our house, can then not be able to turn on because it's too cold outside, which you might think that seems like a problem. And you're right. That's a terrible problem to have.
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Chapter 2: What problems can cold weather cause for furnaces?
It was this past week was like crazy cold, like sub-zero actual temperatures, which is not that cold if you live in a cold place. But in Ohio, it doesn't really get that cold. It is currently eight degrees. Which feels like warm in comparison. When you open the door to let the dog out and it's negative four degrees and windy, your whole body is like...
But yeah, so apparently for the way furnaces work is there's like an exhaust. It burns natural gas and that exhausts outdoors because of health reasons. But that exhaust is humid and our exhaust for our natural gas for our furnace
froze in the time between when it cycled off because it reached whatever temperature we set it to and wanted to turn back on because it was 64 degrees inside the house and it literally i had to go out in negative five or whatever negative whatever degrees weather at in the middle of the night in the dark holding a flashlight in my mouth and a hacksaw blade in my in my hands that were freezing and i couldn't feel them and just go up to the exhaust and go hey
And to get through the ice enough to where it would ignite the furnace and warm our house. I did that three separate times. It was an awesome night. I love being cold. I've never had that happen. I didn't know that was possible. I assumed the furnace loved it when it's cold outside. That's what it's built for. You certainly think so. You certainly think so, yes. I'm with you.
I'm glad you're warm now. In my life, where it's all warm, a little too warm where I am. You can say that again. There was actually another fire. Did I tell you about that? Did we talk about that? Wait, what? Yeah, there was another fire. Not in L.A., north of L.A., north of Santa Clarita. It blossomed from a 50-acre fire to a 10,000-acre fire in the matter of eight hours.
Was it in conjunction with another wind blast from the... Apparently, yeah. There was a sudden wind event up there. This is mostly forest, but it's like a low population area up there. Still bad. Not saying it's any better because of that. But you should have seen WatchDuty because I have the pro version of WatchDuty. I paid for pro. And so you can see the aircraft... going towards that fire.
And it's like D-Day invasion of just nonstop helicopters planes just out of LA and just gunning it for their... Yeah, as far as I know, they contained it. And it was like extremely fast-growing fire. Well, okay, it's not fully contained. Where it is right now, it's 36% containment. But they've started to send planes and helicopters away because they're like, we don't need you anymore.
So even if it says...
not fully contained it might actually be but they have to verify everywhere yeah well getting i think you said explain this because we talked about this a bunch but getting containment is actually a really high bar right if they think an area is contained it literally means there couldn't be fire there if someone was trying to be an arson arson do an arson i love that that's a voice we're doing now
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Chapter 3: What led to Mark's decision to buy a .22 pistol?
Quick zoom in on the mouse's brain.
The mouse is like, I'm invincible.
Cut to the mouse jumping off the roof of a building. He's not invincible. Mouse doing that magician trick, trying to catch a bullet in his mouth.
Well, if you're not lubed up enough, you can always try something like Elmer's glue.
I mean, basically, that's what it was. So, you know, I said I bought $5,000.
yeah that's a that's a lot i think right they had two boxes i bought 10 000 of these useless fucking bullets that's especially funny because it means that the casing is all sticky and so it doesn't oftentimes when a gun jams what all you need to do is like rack it again and so you just like pull the thing and it's like poof and it ejects yeah but they're sticky
I'm assuming that means that you didn't just go, oh, and you like you have to like clear the gun, rack and lock it, like fish out the little glued in shell. It's not even just like a jam. It's like the worst version of a jam. I had to go up to the cashier outside of the gun range and shamefully go, um, I got a bullet stuck in my gun.
Can you help me? I don't know how to deal with this. It just hands me a long, like, rod to ram it down. I'm like, do I stick this in the front? And he's like, yeah, you stick it in the front. Where's the gun at that you're holding? I left it in the shooting range. I didn't want to bring it out and wave it around.
Oh, yeah, no, they don't like when you walk around with guns outside the... They're not into that. Yeah, so don't worry, guys. It's going great with my John Wick training. buy some 5w30 and just slosh fill up those bad boys with a little that probably flammable lubricant probably is not advisable i have no idea about it maybe i don't even know 22 flamethrower sounds great oh yeah
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Chapter 4: What are the challenges of shooting with a .22LR?
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna lube these bullets up. You're gonna see. You're gonna see. You're gonna see!
Anyway, yeah. Training's going real good, guys. You're basically John Wick at this point. Yeah, exactly. I do the reload flap. You got that stairs falling thing, and you got the... Yeah, I can see it. I'm getting real good at cocking it, you know? Really good at that. You understand what to do in case of a jam. Dude, I really do. Which is an important skill that no one practices enough.
Mark pulls out his gun, pulls out his little pipe cleaner, and he's like, I'm ready to go shooting. Is that a holster for the pipe cleaner?
That whole sequence where he's in the hotel and he's like, I need something big and bold for the end of the night. Oh, and like 50 pipe cleaners.
Did I fire two shots or clean three?
I'd like the extra sticky 22LRs. Do you feel sticky, punk? Do you? You know what? I respect that. That's a tough that's a tough L for you. And that doesn't make it less funny. But I do feel bad. I also do feel bad for you because that's sucks. Yeah. And it wasn't like they were each like four hundred fifty bucks for the five thousand.
So price per bullet, you know, if this if you're looking at like any other 22, it's like, yeah, that's pretty comparable and decent. And for non lead, it doesn't have a lead and lead free. Yeah, then that's big. People should be more concerned about that. Think about how long that's going to last you, because you can only fire one a time.
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Chapter 5: What is small dog energy versus big dog energy?
Okay. Yeah, okay. All right, so for those out there, Keters is kind of shy, but he loves attention. Whenever he warms up, he's like, pet me, feed me. He's become more vocal as he's gotten older. I don't think Bob's saying he likes to shit on the floor like Keters does. No, it's more of the look. It's like his facial structure. I don't know. It's hard to capture. Just flip a picture of him.
That would be the easiest thing in the world for me to do. You probably have some. I don't, because he's not my cat. Anyway, I don't know how much you know Keeter's Mark, but he's a little bit of an a-hole sometimes, but he's a good guy. It's been a while, though, I guess. Yeah.
yeah well we were over there over the summer so long ago now yeah it feels like it was like a year ago i don't yeah that captures it pretty good no there you go yeah not angry but serious he's a very unique and beautiful cat uh he's always like he gets a lot of attention at the vet everyone's like your cat looks so exotic he has almost like cartoony features the way the like dramatic cheekbone lines that he has and stuff he's a very interesting looking cat
He's also got the, it's kind of a rare thing, I think, but he's got black fur, but underneath his fur is all white. You can kind of see the white and gray patches. Literally, since he's been a kitten, he's had black fur, but as soon as you lift up his fur, everything underneath is white. He's never changed color. He's always stayed a black cat, but somehow all the under fur is white.
My inside's a different color, too. There we go. Wow. What a guy. Look how big his dick is.
That's his leg, I hope.
I think it was his tail, but... He's a five-legged cat. Yeah. Alright, so Mark's a Keters, I'm a something... A Garfield, whatever the hell Garfield is. Something tabby. Mark was a Maine Coon. I think the Maine Coons... No, Bob was a Maine Coon. Bob was a Maine Coon. I think Maine Coons look really cool. They do look cool. They're big, too. I've actually seen one of those in person.
They're bigger than they look in pictures. They're cool. I am also bigger than I look in pictures. People are always surprised. Everyone always thinks I'm really short. Everyone's always surprised when I'm tall. I guess I give off short energy. I don't know. Big short energy. Yeah. Sorry. Did you see the chuckle sandwich podcast that I was on? I did.
And once again, it was us in my mom's kitchen because I was in the middle and they're both six foot three and like six foot four, man. You were in a curved bench, so they were both several feet closer to the camera than you were. So it's just like the absolute same exact situation where I've just diminutively shrunk into the distance. Always fair. Love those guys. Such good chemistry, you know?
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Chapter 6: How do pet personalities reflect on their owners?
We're going to go straight from cat to insect. Man, you're testing my knowledge of insects. It doesn't have to be complicated. You don't have to be like, ah, yes, the Taiwanese chop-chop-noppy. Well, there goes my guess. The Taiwanese chop-chop-noppy. That was exactly what I was thinking when I was looking at your face. Straight up Taiwanese chop-chop-noppy. Ah, shit. Too late now.
Sorry, I didn't mean to spoil it. You're going to be a stink bug after that, dummy. Wade, I know. I know the answer. You give off big caterpillar from the circus in a bug's life energy.
i'm a beautiful butterfly yes yes yes you know the man yeah that's yeah yeah okay yeah that's a great that's you yeah i can't even argue it i want to but like i really can't i feel like it's hard to pin mark down to it and you don't you don't give off a lot of insect energy thanks thank you i'm Your casual nonchalance is very... You know what? Actually, that's a good one. That led me to it.
You give off pretty strong praying mantis energy. Ooh. Because praying mantises are, like, badass and generally look cool or really cool, depending on the species. But also, they just can't fucking be bothered to care about anything. They could be in imminent peril, and they're just going to be like, I'm going to move real slow. I'm going to walk over here. I'm not going to walk.
They just like are unbothered. Even when my head is being eaten alive, I still had sex. So whatever. Who else in this bush just had sex? I thought so. yeah again you know that's such a kind thoughtful response which really poisons to what i was gonna say no no stick to it stick to your guns i like this okay they only shoot one bullet at a time so i'm not afraid look okay cockroach but hear me out
Here we are. Okay, okay. It's, you know, a survivor. I'll change my answer. I'll change it. No, I'll change it. It's so good. I'll take the hang cockroach. You know, you got... Ooh, those are cool ones. Deceptive. You can get anywhere. Don't they all fly? Some of them don't. I should have said cicada. Before or after it gets wings? Like pupa stage or like full wing? Full wing.
I think he's saying I have an annoying voice. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying... It sounds like 30,000 insects crackling their wings all together or however the fuck they make that noise. Yeah, how do they make that noise? I have no idea. Rubbing their legs like crickets? I don't even know. Is it bad that looking at a cicada pupa, I see me? Look at that goofy little shit.
Ha!
You're such a flatterer. Cockroach and dung beetle.
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Chapter 7: What breeds of dogs and cats are discussed?
thingamabob in other words it's like a white and purple flower is that is not an apt description of what this is people are gonna put that in their head and they're gonna be like then they look at this and they're like what in the junji ito holy shit is that that's nightmare it's kind of wild looking yeah it's very like alien never seen anything like that ever in my life oh some of these different variety like very varietals of it are interesting dude there's like a the red one
Yeah, that's fine. That looks normal-ish, minus the weird center thing. Crazy stuff, man. The amazing but problematic passion flower. Just can't stop saying slurs, this flower. So goddamn problematic. Never learned.
Ah, yes, the Missouri slur flower. All right.
Next up, what shape bacteria best fit? What kind of mad lib are you building out of this? I got to suspect that there's some ulterior motive. What shape bacteria? If you can figure it out, Mark, you'll win the episode. What even shape bacteria are there? Besides like a pill shape. Rod shaped. Spiral shaped. Sphere shaped. Bob's a tardigrade. That's not a bacteria.
I don't want to be a tardigrade.
No, I'm embarrassed. You just went right for it. I'm embarrassed. I want to be, what are those things called? Water teddies? Those are tardigrades rock. I want to be a tardigrade. Plus they're like, they're like unkillable. Uh, no, that's not a bacteria. Can't make it happen. Sorry, I tried. Did you almost say sperm-shaped? Is that what you were going for? Yeah, sperm.
Well...
There's only like three shapes of bacteria. What even is this question? Spherical, rod, spiral, comma, and corkscrew. Common? Comma, I guess. Vibrios? Wade's a rod, and Mark is a shorter rod. Thanks, man. Everyone's rods to me. All I see is rods.
I see Mark as a sphere and Bob as a spiral myself.
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Chapter 8: Why do people anthropomorphize their pets?
What about like an ostrich or a hawk or an eagle? Yeah, Wade, you could be ostrich. Yeah, I get that. Bald and I shove my head in the ground.
You suggested it. You suggested it.
But yes. Trying to think of the funniest bird I can think of. Wade, you are Iago.
Dude, Gilbert Godfrey is awesome.
A lot of stuff that Gilbert Godfrey said that was supposed to be jokes made me cringe too. I could see it. But also legend. Very funny.
Could Mark be... I'll let you guys go, then I'll throw mine out at the end.
Oh, Mark, I know who you are. You're the captain of the penguins from Madagascar. You're the lead penguin guy. Ooh, all right, I'll take it. You always have a plan, and you know how to put people into the right positions to make things happen. And although they are portrayed as goofy characters, they also succeed quite frequently at what they're doing.
Of all the animals that actually do look and maybe act like you, I'm just going to say a barn owl or some type of owl. Aesthetically, it's got the shape of the head is kind of similar to an owl shape. Fronds and eyes always watching and then always observing. And actually 90% feathers. Yeah, I was going to say, have you guys seen an owl's legs? Look that shit up.
I saw an owl's legs sticking out of a bush. All Wizard of Oz style. Owls are a dead ass lie. They look all chonky and like, nah, you lift up their skirt and they got little little stick legs in there. It's fucking weird. Yeah, I'll take that. I like barn owls. I like that. That's a good one.
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