Tony Hinchcliffe
Appearances
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Make sure you check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club on 6th Street. And of course, the Comedy Mothership. Shows will be going on sale soon for another big Monday release. We love you. God bless America. Enjoy the show.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yep. Deals are in place with Tubi. Uh... William, we love you. I got to tell you, you look better than ever. You look healthier than ever. The Ro Machine is doing you good. Thank you, Tony. How about your first comedian of the night, William Montgomery, huh? It's as big of a deal as it gets to start the show. And now we switch over to the bucket. We're going to meet this person all together.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely anything can happen. Every regular, every golden ticket winner, they were all found out of this very bucket with a little undertaker watching. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Cameron Frisk. Cameron Frisk.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cameron Frisk. A rare episode where we have two Confederate soldiers back to back. Absolutely incredible. The South has risen again. Do you know a lot of divorced people that are getting remarried?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's hard. You guys are so sensitive, your people. You can't put your hands in the air a certain way around us anymore.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Where have you been doing the year in eight months? Mostly in Ojai?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Were you born and raised in Ojai? Yeah. They say it's a natural energy vortex. Do you feel that? Absolutely not. That's some hippie woo woo bullshit. But you wouldn't even know that because you were born and raised there, right?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Do you feel a little bit slumpy and slouchy when you're in other places? No, you just go to Sedona and I feel better. No, not at all. Uh, You're kind of white trash though, right? Because you know people that are getting remarried. One could say that you are. You drink PBR?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
PBR vibes from you. Certain people I can just fucking feel the vibe.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What? The toughest job in the world. This is what the baristas in California look like now? Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
But your work background is, what are you good at? Construction, I guess. You were looking for a construction job in this city and you settled for barista? Yeah. Yeah. Have you looked outside at all? I did. Literally cranes. I applied. This is literally the fastest growing city, I think, in the country right now. I know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You should. You should just start that from scratch. You should do that, and you should hire people using ZipRecruiter and the promo code Keltoni. I used the recruiter.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Jesus, Rich. How long have you lived in Austin? Six months. Six months. How long have you been with her? About three years. Three years. How do you keep things interesting? How do you stay loyal and happy with one woman for three years? Just curious to know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm not asking you what not to do. I'm asking you what you do to keep things exciting.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You can roller skate and not be gay. Okay. No, you can. No, yes, yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yeah, you fucking can. And backwards. You can go backwards. Me and Tony go backwards all the time. Yep. Yep, I do. It's called 69ing on wheels.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You'll have to watch your back if you are rolling. I roller skate backwards on construction sites.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And all that I wear is a hard hat. And a vest, of course, because safety first. Yeah. But God damn it, if one more fucking hammer gets shoved up my ass, I'm okay. All right.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Do you work the overnight shift? No. Oh, that's a different place. That's okay. I fucked that one up.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You know how to paint walls inside of a house? Yeah, of course. Well, good news. Red Band is going to book you. I'm going to hire you to paint some walls in my house. I would love to. There you go. There you go. Wow. Wow. There's a little joke book. Thank you, sir. Sign up again sometime. There goes Cameron Frisk, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, the show has begun.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Tune in to play that game, Red Band. Local hero, Adam Ray, contributing to the economy. No hotels tonight.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? And one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Live in the flesh, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Si Senor. That's Big Mike on the drums, huge. It's a little bit bigger every single week. He's growing like a Chia Pet.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I'm going to bang his girlfriend. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Charlie G. Here we go. Charlie G, out of the bucket.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You really live in a van? Yeah. Yeah. You're the first comedian tonight that... Looks like they don't live in a van. Yeah, I do. It's incredible. You have a good, you clean up your act. You're out there looking professional.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm already fucking six for six. Rich, relax. Just take a breath. When it doesn't work, you don't have to say it didn't work because they definitely know it didn't work. You're like a guy that's out at third base. The umpire's like, you're out, and you go to the crowd. I'm out, everybody. I did not make it to third base. I was out. Okay, let's get back to Charlie here. What's up? Old Charlie boy.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How old are you? How old am I? I'm 32. 32 years old. How long have you lived in the van?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Explain Matt Muehling, who never talks. It was right with me. Literally, he had to say it because we're all thinking it. How does that work? Why would you live in an apartment and a van part-time?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Huge fucking difference. Yeah. That might be the biggest difference ever. Whatever. That is absolutely unbelievable, the jump that just happened there.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, no, no. You know what? I might want you to say when the jokes don't work. after all, because that... You don't get that joke? No. What's it from?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What? Ted Bundy, right? That's what you're talking about? The serial killer from the 70s? Who thinks OJ did it? Okay. All right, let's get back to Charlie G. So this guy is my favorite. Rich Voss is out here just fucking... Gotta throw darts, man. Fucking Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy. I mean, how far back are you going to go with your references? When I was 30.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A lot of people don't know, Julius Caesar lived in a van at one point. Okay, there it is. Charlie G., tell us more about your life.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
The exact van is an important thing. Lord knows the difference between a Sprinter and an EconoVan. Huge difference. We want to know exactly whether it's a sliding door or you get in through the back door.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed live in the flesh. Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. How exciting is this? We have a hell of an episode ahead of us. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Like, what's your, what do you do? It's not my place. You're like, I'll give you a ride to my place. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, my God. Rich. Rich, what is going on over here? I made fun of you for doing old jokes, and then you just did the oldest joke ever.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah. Charlie, tell us the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you in your life.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I mean, I know there's some... When I was four, I couldn't tie my shoes in front of my mom.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich shit himself in kindergarten and diapers weren't invented yet. And I was 12. How about as an adult? As an adult, like one time in college, I shit myself. Wow. This guy just shits himself. Yeah. How many of you think I should make him shit himself right now on this stage? Look right at that. No way. You see that red dot back there? Right. You see a little red dot? Right.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I want you to stare right at it. And then just, oh, we're losing D-Madness. He can't. When you're blind, the smell of, no, I'm kidding. Don't shit yourself. All right, Charlie. Fun times. Congratulations. I really loved the kill myself, kill myself joke. That's a really, really, really good joke. Thank you. You know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
There he goes, Charlie G. Hobosexual, kind of like, you know. He's better than that. But the kill myself, reincarnated kill yourself is funny. All right, we having fun out there? Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name... Oh, my God. I know what that noise is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. The crowd goes wild. She barely does anything at all.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's unbelievable. She just lifted up the mic stand and sat it back down. Crowd goes nuts. She doesn't need to. You gotta love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Daniel Velasquez, everyone. Daniel Velasquez.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
This is Kill Tony brought to you by ZipRecruiter and Shopify. I'm so excited about tonight's guests. This is actually a repeat of two guests that have been on together before. One of them has the newest special on Amazon called Anonymous. We love him, one of our New York brethren. The other is literally perhaps easily known as the greatest guest in Kill Tony history, former guest of the year.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And it was you, right? Yeah. Yeah, you fucking nailed it. Because I'm like, yeah, we're just working. We're doing a podcast. And what did you say?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Hey, y'all. The number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, night two of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for night one, April 4th. There is also the London O2 Arena.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, you nailed the line. You're literally like, yeah, you know, I work with Joe Rogan sometimes. We're in the comedy business. And he's like, Joe Rogan? OK, go ahead.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Jesus fucking Christ. What happened to the pockets? Yeah, that's crazy. Look, I thought you were really funny. Hold on, Rich. We're in the middle of a thing here. Go ahead. Give your analysis and then we'll just edit it out.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, all right, very good. All right. Okay, so back to the story. She says there might be weed in the passport, and he's in, like, the cop car at this point.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Sit your fucking asses down. Rich Voss has the newest special on Amazon. It's called Anonymous. Welcome, Rich. Thank you for having me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And again, this is a Texas state trooper? I don't know. I didn't pay attention. Or is it in... Okay. Some cop. Okay. It may not even have been a cop at all. You may have gotten pulled over by an illegal immigrant wearing a fucking badge, and you stoners with weed in your passports are like, I'm so sorry.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, so let's go back to the story that we're in the middle of. And then what happened?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
That's literally the most retarded thing to roll joints on or with in the fucking world. It's like cutting coke with your license. Well, that would actually be better than rolling weed on a passport because it could come off of licenses. Plastic, the paper would retain it and the THC crystals would be all over it. you could at least rinse off a fucking license.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's good to be back. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, the man, the myth, the legend. A lot of people mention his name when they're on this show. Where do I even begin? The great Tony Caruso's favorite comedian. Dr. Phil's favorite comedian. Fucking Jeremy's favorite comedian. Dumb bitch girl. What's her name? Why am I... Elaine. Elaine's favorite comedian.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely unbelievable. I don't understand a single thing that you just said.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Colin, you're so different than everybody else. Yeah. that we have on our normal roster. Welcome to the family. There he goes, his first cash-in of his golden ticket, Colin Sledge. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name. I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Kansei Yasuda. Kansei Yasuda. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Konsei Yasuda has arrived to kill Tony. I got to tell you, man, I like your fucking style. You have such a command of the stage. So fun to listen to and to watch. Thank you, Tony. You're very welcome. You're welcome, Ira. Thank you. I love it. Konsei, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. Five years. Where at?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What made you move to Toronto? Why of all the places did you pick there?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A lot of people... You should remember her. You tried to fuck me in costume that night. Yeah. Red Bank. How do you not remember that? Red Bank gets enough vodka Red Bulls in him. He just goes for what he sees. Happy to be back.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I could listen to you talk about anything. This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. So you're 100% Japanese?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely unbelievable. A natural freak talent. We're witnessing it live in real time. This is what the show is all about. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How'd you know? Hi. Because I think you're only allowed to have one E over in Japan. So, that's incredible. Okay, relax. Okay, all right. Okay. So, amazing. Amazing. And so... Your mom had you, and what do your parents do? They're still in Japan?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A nail salon? They do that even over there? I thought they just came here to own nail salons. My God, they must be high-level nail salon people. That's incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We are in one of those moments right now where it's just amazing. You are just such a fun interview. This might never end. I might keep you up here all night. This is absolutely amazing. So what does she do for work? She works at the ramen shop. She works at the ramen shop. Oh, wow. My God.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
So how do you make money, Kansei? I work at the hotel. Oh. What do you do at the hotel? Front desk. Front desk. Wow. And what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? I eat ramen.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Special miso ramen. Yep. So Kansai, this is incredible, and you are so funny. What made you come to Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, and you didn't get up, and you've been doing spots around town, just trying to do open mics and stuff?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're going to be leaving. What's your girlfriend's name? Miyuki.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I will not wait another moment before saying that Adam Ray just launched a 40 city plus comedy tour. Adamraycomedy.com. The man is fucking thriving. It's me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I just can't help myself. I feel like I want to interview you forever. We already have too many of them, but God damn it, I'm giving away another one. Konsei Yasuda, you are a golden ticket winner here on Call of Tony. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You did it all, buddy. God bless you. Konsei Yasuda has arrived. We're going to see him again soon. Absolutely unbelievable, my friend. That is what it's all about. And now, someone's gotta follow that. Your next bucketful goes by the name of Jim Talley, everyone. Jim Talley. Jim Talley is next.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Dr. Phil is on tour. You can get those tickets at adamraycomedy.com. All of these shows are unbelievable. Adam and I were door guys together at the Comedy Store 17 and a half fucking years ago.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Jim Telly. Wow. How fun. Very fun to go off of that rush hour energy in your opening. Very fun. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up, Jim? I'm going on three years. Three years. Where at? Houston? Atlanta? I'm getting close. Africa?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
That was funny. How you doing, man? Thank you, man. Thank you. Where have you been doing stand-up at?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Take us through that process. What made you follow your sister up to North Dakota?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
He was in South Florida, and this guy, according to your exact words, loved black pussy so much that he left South Florida.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Justin is in North Dakota right now. I'm like, well, thank you.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, my bad. Yep, no, he is. I meant blonde, my bad. It's all good. I didn't think... Blonde and white, same shit. I didn't... The cast... Whoever does the casting at SNL also thought Pete was half black when they got him, so anyway... That's true. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich. Shane's liver. Oh, got it. Got it. All right. Very good. You know what? I think Rich is having mini strokes during this show.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We sucked, but God damn it, we kept fucking working and nonstop every single night having fun, cracking each other up, and fucking we believed in... Joe Rogan. That's right. Thank God for him. That is correct. That's all it takes. A work ethic, a hope, a dream, and Joe Rogan.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. That's incredible. What does that mean, Tony? I don't know. You could have said anything. I would have said that, yeah, it works. You could have been 25, 55. You really could have been anything. Have you ever been a volunteer firefighter? I'm getting volunteer firefighter vibes. Sunglasses down. Yeah, my bad, guys.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cut or uncut? Jesus, Rich Voss asking the tough questions over here.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm just playing. I love Cam. Jim, you're so funny. What's something else we should know about you before we let you go?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, no, no. Just hold on. Hold on. Let him do the fucking thing. I want to hear you. Lies and shit. We're about to come out. What can you say in... Assalamu alaikum.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We do have nunchucks. I had a feeling. We have a special... Oh, my God. This place is unbelievable. We have a special Kill Tony toy box where we have all the things we might ever need, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. Give me a single spotlight keynote. Wow. Holy shit. This is incredible. He could have played both characters in Rush Hour. Absolutely unbelievable. Wow. Wow.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, absolutely unbelievable. Jim Telly has arrived. Here's a big joke book, Jim. Thank you so much. Sign up again. Come back. We need more Jim Telly in our lives. So much fun. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring to the stage, coincidentally, the man that told Jim Telly to cut his blonde hair, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
282 comedians signed up for the opportunity to be in this bucket. Absolutely anything can happen. We're going to let this young librarian pull the first name here in the front row. Congratulations. And here it is. We're going to go wrangle that first comedian that is out of the bucket. But while that happens, and just a reminder, if you don't know, they get 60 seconds.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What can I say that I haven't said thousands of times before? Absolutely incredible, Cam Patterson. We fucking love you. That is hilarious. What a great fucking premise.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yep. Okay. Sit back down, Cam. Why are you taking your clothes off? I'm sorry. It's not great to wake these kind of people up.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
He was all right. Now he's fucking all right. He's back to chill. I like your style, jail dude, that's definitely done meth a bunch. Real drugs, real hardcore with soup. I thought that was me in makeup for a minute. Just have good energy. Good energy over there. I like that. What made you dress like a jail guy? I've been in prison. I served 13 months. And I found Kill Tony when I was in there.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I mean, holy shit. This is a wild night. Those guys that watched Kill Tony while in actual prison, wearing a prison outfit, that fucking, this is absolutely incredible. I believe in this guy, too. I mean, that's amazing.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. And they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. These people out of the bucket have no idea that they're going on stage until just minutes before. But I do have a few regulars and special treats on tonight's lineup.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich, put the mic down. Put the mic down. Put the mic. This place is in chaos right now. That took my brain, like, I was like, wait, what does he mean? Oh, wow!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, he bombed that bomb, too. That also bombed. Oh, my God. This party is out of control. I've never seen D-Madness clench his fist before. He's back here ready to defend his sweet, sweet Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cam, I mean, you've done it. We've done so many interviews. I got to tell you, I fucking love that new joke. Absolutely incredible. Super topical. Right on the fucking dot. 13-year-old with cancer in the news all week. The fucking State of the Union and everything. You nailed it. Adam, anything?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I love it. Keep killing it, baby. Thank you, man. You're absolutely killing it. An unstoppable force. Oh, Rich Voss wants to say one more thing.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich, Rich, that's not even a thing anymore, Rich. Rich is like, I know it when I see it. He's going to end up on Johnny Carson any day now. I swear to God, this guy, we need to get him on Star Search. He's going to be Star Search. Oh, I swear to God. I swear to God, when Murph Griffin finds this guy, it's going to be incredible. Oh, I swear to God. Hey, I want to book you at the last subway.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I swear to God. Hey, you know what? You should perform at the Dinosaur Factory. Rich in Allentown? There he goes, Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. What an episode. We're having fucking fun tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. Whoa. Wow. Heidi getting big pops tonight. The ladies' lover, the dudes' lover. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
massive massive arena it's our only show in europe that is june 7th i'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas like the maverick center just outside of salt lake city utah april 18th reno nevada the grand theater The Honda Center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do stand-up in a legendary arena like that. In Anaheim, May 9th.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
This guy's going to jerk off right now in the bathroom. It's absolutely unbelievable. Your next bucket poll has been on the show a couple times. You know, it's just so fun every time this young lady is on. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Juanita, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And we will start this one with a bang. It is as big of a bang as it gets. Ladies and gentlemen, starting tonight's show, your first minute is indeed... another Kill Tony Hall of Famer. He is indeed the record holder for all-time appearances on this show. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla, some the Memphis Strangler, some people call him the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Juanita. Juanita. Always a decent minute, but your interviews are absolutely priceless. Let's start here. One thing that I noticed, right from the very, very top of your set, do you notice what you did?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You went... Like that. Is that a thing that you think a lot of trans comedians have to do when they...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
For those of you that don't know or haven't put it together yet, if you're easily tricked and would have ended up sucking a fat cock tonight, Juanita was originally a Juan. There, there, there. All right. Juanita, welcome.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
So let's talk about it. You said that you're, are you really uncircumcised? Is that an actual thing? Yeah, I was born in Mexico. They don't do that there, huh? No. They keep the fucking corn tortilla right there, huh? Yeah, it was pretty common. That's a Mexican thing. Rich Voss clearly hates trans people. He's completely shut down. He doesn't know what to do.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, man. That's right. So, Juanita, how's life going? Remind us again. How long you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
They're a very consistent, good meal. What were you saying there? Let's go to our own resident rotisserie chicken, Rich Voss, who's been spinning around all night, slowly and slowly.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Another minute from William Montgomery. Sounds low. What just happened there? Are you guys fucking with knobs like in between things? Sound guys? We good? I mean, seriously, he's fucking with the knobs! I don't know why you would turn me down and then you have to... I'm going up first and I don't fuck with the knobs! Keep me up. Keep me up. You guys are... I gotta take a shit right now, dumbass!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
There you go. Will... Owens. So you are married? Yeah, married. And you really have a kid? Yeah, it's not a crack baby, though. I mean, that was my next question. Oh, no. When you say orphan, you adopted it? No, that's just a joke. I just write jokes. Okay, all right. Relax, Will. Jesus Christ almighty. That's why, all right. That's why I was here. I'm sorry. Okay, relax, Will. You're doing okay.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Relax. Relax. You're not in court right now. Relax, Will. It's okay. I want this to go good for you too, Will. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Where at? Houston. You know, everybody fucking groaned earlier when I asked the black guy, Atlanta and then Houston. Just take note. Atlanta. Houston. I'm just saying.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
South Florida would be the third guess where the guy was from. All right, so Will, Houston, Texas, two and a half years. You still live there?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm laughing at my job. No, they're just laughing. They just think you're likable, Will. It's a good thing. Thank you. You're doing good. Ready to turn on everybody real fast. Very defensive, Will.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, thanks, Rich. That's a big part of the comedy show. Hey, you guessed my birthday. Just if you want to play that number.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm a fucking headliner, bitch. A headliner? A headliner? I've never heard of such a... How do you get to be a headliner? How do you get to go up last at the comedy club?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, my God. They're not Jordans. All right. Will, tell us something crazy about your life. Tell us a fun fact about you or something about your life that would surprise us.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yep. That happens. That's a thing. That happens to white people, too. That be happening to some white people.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What made you meet your brother then? Was that your dad's idea?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, but we're cool now. Wow. What I said about that happening to white people, it doesn't happen like that. It's not exactly like that.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk to him all the time. You guys find that you have a lot of things in common? No. Okay. All right, Will. Well, what else? Anything else? Other than staff and recruiting, you have any hobbies or anything like that?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
For a second there, I closed my eyes and I thought Danny Glover was here. That was absolutely incredible. I had no idea you were a master of impressions. What other impressions can you do?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
255. Will Owens, thank you so much. He's killed Tony debut. It has happened. Will Owens. All right. We're going to speed through this next part of the show. I have another golden ticket winner. Literally, famously, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody. Here you go.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
59 and a half seconds for Martin Phillips. These people are dialed in. Super professional. Thank you. 100% all time. Batting average for Martin Phillips. How's life going, Martin? You look fantastic. Oh, it's corduroy. Oh, it's corduroy. My goodness. Now he's fabric, dude. Nothing better than a corduroy shirt on the first 85-degree day of the year. It was cold in the morning. Okay.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You put it on in the morning. You dress up in the morning, and then no matter what happens...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Are you talking shit right now? What the fuck is going on exactly? Motherfucker, what's going on? Are you going to the funeral? You are so lucky I don't understand what you're saying. No, you look great. What is happening over here? Just because you fucking can't take the shirt off. Just because you can't unbutton your fucking buttons after you get all dressed in the morning.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
French fried rice, yes. A very popular treat in Filipino culture. What else have you got?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How the hell is this the biggest show in comedy right now? This doesn't make any sense. We have fucking dudes with cerebral palsy taking off their shirts to standing ovations, and Netflix is like, how do I get involved? This is absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're going to see Juanita with a new green corduroy do-rag later. It's wrapped around her head.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Martin Phillips, a cold-blooded assassin. You are truly the fucking man. Is there anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on? You know... I mean...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're on tour. You're doing the road a lot. You're selling tickets.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. And what was it exactly that you were doing when you shit your pants? You're a substitute teacher, so you play a lot of videos and stuff.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Hold on. Take us actually through it now. You shit your pants and there's a ton of shit. It is an unbelievable amount of shit.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And you always have. Let me slow it down here. Let the record show that he is not like a fucking, you know. Retard. Right. But he's also not like a comic that just would say that he shit his fucking pants and that he shit a lot to tell a funny story.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Exactly. Right. Right. So this, being one of the more intellectual, true joke writers on the show's fucking roster, this is actually incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
But how do you get to your car? Don't you have to, like, clock out? What do substitute teachers do?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I love how you roasted you, him, and your wife at the same time. Fuck her, she's not here. That's a triple threat. That is absolutely incredible. That's like French fried rice or something like that. William, how's this week treating you?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I think it's a sign that it is indeed time to give up substituting. Yeah, yeah. That's God telling you, that's a wrap. Yeah, yeah. You left your mark on that school. Yep. You left your mark in the community.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. Incredible. Martin, what can I say? You fill our hearts every time you're on, just like you fill the backside of your pants when you're teaching. We love you. You've done it again. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. All right, before, you know what? You know what I'm in the mood to do? I'm in the mood to do something fun here right now.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I know we're running late and you people got here hours ago. You want to end it now? You think we should do something fun? Prison guy, what's your name?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Old finger. Offender. Oh, offender. Offender. Okay, I wanna, a guy in the green shirt, make a little space here. Make some noise for Offender, everybody. A minute from Offender. Come on, there you go. Get to the microphone, there you go. No, right there. Your time starts, Offender, come on.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th. Announcing this week, Connecticut. The Mohegan Sun. I'm doing stand-up on July 11th. Edmonton, Canada. July 18th, Vancouver, September 14th. And if you're a wrestling fan, I will be hosting the Roast of WrestleMania, Sunday night, 420, after night two of WrestleMania, right there in Vegas. Huge guests, huge surprises.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You've done your time, but we're sending you back for more. I appreciate it.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What? Too many what? Two men enjoying it. Two men enjoying it, okay.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, offender. I give you a shot there. Again, that's the Rich Voss School of Comedy is... That's actually, he actually is a double, he's got his, he went to both schools. Okay. Offender. Let's talk about it real quick. How long were you in prison for? I did 13 months. 13 months. What did you get sentenced to prison for?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're okay. Don't worry about it. We got to fly through it. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. So how long have you been listening to Kill Tony? Did you find it in prison or before?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Amazing. The late, great, one of my favorite humans ever. The great Michael Lair. So, you did that, so you found it there. Was it somebody that recommended it to you? How'd you find it in prison?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How do you survive, though? How do you make a little bit of money to survive? What are you, just committing crimes? Oh, it's going to be ugly. I'll be the fifth. Yo, come on. Tell us the truth. You know this show. You know it's better when you're honest.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You know what? I'm going to have you paint Red Band's house. Hey, hey. I'm more professional than that one guy. No, I love it. I'm just kidding. No one's letting you in their fucking house. Come on. Come on.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Is that what you're talking about, or are you literally barking because you're on crystal meth? No, no, no. No meth. Right. Yeah, I mean, that's messed up. Do you still partake in things? Are you still kind of a party boy? No, sir, just marijuana. Just marijuana, 100%. You don't drink? Or THCA. Sure, but you don't drink? You don't do coke anymore?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Sorry. But since you're a Kill Tony fan, I'm going to let you off the hook.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Y'all want to see it? Yeah, just... Make some fucking noise! You gonna show it? What the fuck's going on here? Let's do it. We're running out of time. Ladies and gentlemen... Wow. That is fucking incredible. That is the actual Kill Tony entire fucking bingo card. That is unbelievable. That is incredible. I got your life together. Well, I guess so. I love it. I love it. Offender, congratulations.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Here's a big joke vote. There you go. Oh, Jesus, right off his fucking face. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're okay. I catch cases. You're okay. We got to finish the show. Go have fun. Get out of here. Wow, dude. One more time for Offender, everybody. Making dreams come true. And now, ladies and gentlemen... This is it. The moment you've been waiting for.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A show that featured two golden ticket winners, two, I mean, the closer went first. So I guess there's truly only one way to end an episode like this. And that is with, unlike Offender, a guy who's still trying to get his American citizenship. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Estonian assassin, the one and only, the great and powerful Ari Matty!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What is the self-partnered thing that you mentioned? I've never heard of that before. Self-partnered.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Fucking crazy. It's crazy. What's going on here is crazy. We are witnessing... A great comedian become one of truly the fucking, truly, I really believe you're like one of the best in the world right now. It's crazy. Very nice of you. We're watching it happen in real time, in the public eye.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's it. You chased it down. So, Adam, do you wanna jump in here?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Amazing roll of three. It's a good compliment, though. That is an insider. No, it is, of course. It's the best fans, yeah. I'm going to go off of... I'm going to... I want to cover something here that I did notice this week and Redban has brought it up on this screen. The Estonian MP, what does that stand for? Main prime or something?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Really? Check out the girlfriend. I bet he does. He's got that kind of energy. He's got fucking party boy energy. I know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We're going to put the picture of him over the screen during this part so that people can fucking fathom what the hell we're talking about. Because it is a goddamn absolute... That's mental illness. It's an architectural... It's an architectural... Is that a word? Architectural?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Ari, anything else we should, you want to say before we put a ribbon on this episode?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely fucking incredible. You do some impressions. It's usually in the fucking green room where I see them that crash. What was the other one?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What was the other one? You had another one, though. Maybe it's not good to do it if I don't know who it is, but who was it? I don't know. You were doing one the other night. that had me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I know. You have a David Jolly? Goddamn! Hell yeah! Ari, I mean, I could go on and on, so I'm not going to.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're watching it in real life. A rock star. An international superstar. How about one more time? Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? One more time for your reigning, defending Hall of Famer and 2023 Guest of the Year, Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Dr. Phil is on tour. Adam Ray is on tour. You can get tickets for all those events, which are giant theaters. This guy is fucking thriving.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Adamraycomedy.com. And how about one more time for Rich Boss, ladies and gentlemen? His new special is on Amazon. It is called Anonymous. We absolutely love you guys. Thank you to ZipRecruiter and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in, and it's absolutely stunning. That is an incredible fucking drawing. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Netflix. Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Joining Forces. April fucking 7th. Whatever you do. I don't think I've ever really asked you guys for anything. But watch it. Tell your friends to watch it. When you go to somebody else's house, just turn it on. Turn it on everywhere. Have your friends turn it on. We're gonna fucking do a little campaigning. Is everybody gonna watch on April 7th? It's not gonna be what you think it's gonna be.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You ever role-play in the bedroom? You ever do a little Danny Glover in there? A little Danny lover?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's gonna be our fucking, it's gonna be really, really good. It's gonna be really special. Let's check out what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh wow, it's me, Russ, and I'm fucking paying homage to Stone Cold. See, if I lifted weights, I could, I could, all right. April 7th, we did it.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
12 fucking years of doing this show, and now the world will know we are going to be shoved right down their fucking throats. Red Band? Love you guys. I love you. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. World peace to all. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Please help me, Tony. I'm trying to be me. You're doing great, William. You're an international rock star. Everyone loves you. You've been rowing a lot?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What do you do with the other three minutes? that's remaining in the music. Does that, is that what it, you listen to that?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're very still. Let the record show, I was picking Bugs off of you before the show because Bugs thought that you were a rock.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. How old are you, William? I'm 38. Wow. You are something else. You don't look... I look older or younger. You literally look like you fought in the Confederate Army. It's absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You ever go to the playground and just stand there and stare at kids?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Because you have a look. You have a look in which that would kind of be hilarious. It would be funny if you did that and, like, had, like, a prank show and videotaped the parents around that are, like, watching you watching the kids and, like... I don't know. I'll think about it. Okay, good. There you go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Brooke Riddell. Hello, Brooke. This is your first time on the show, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wait, how would I... What does that mean? I lived in L.A. for almost two decades. How do I feel about L.A.?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Whoa, applause break from Red Band. That must mean there's a Friendly's burger joint there or something. I don't know. What's Solvang?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. Hell yeah. Well, I was wondering when you were going to finish, when you were performing. It seemed like it was never going to end. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm not kidding, but I am kidding. Brooke, amazing. So two years, you're in L.A. now. You live there. Yes. How's that going for you? Tell us your thoughts about Los Angeles.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Absolutely. What do you do for a living, Brooke? How do you make money?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. Yeah. So, like, what are some ideas that you come up with? Are you the one that's like, make it a black person?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We need more black people, am I right? Black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black. All right. So what do you do at Disney? What are some things that you do?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, very good. What do you think about the direction of Disney right now? What would be a note that you would have to the head of Disney if he was here right now? You'd be on fire. By the way, Red Band thinks it's Mickey Mouse. He thinks the CEO of Disney is the actual Mickey Mouse.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's an unbelievably great answer. Yeah, Mickey does not like that at all. Ha-ha, you're fired. I love it. Can all fat guys do that? This is incredible. This is amazing. I didn't know. Let me try. Ha, you're fired.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Who don't like a fribble? I love it. So, Brooke, you're down in the big city now. You're originally from, like, the middle of nowhere, California. Yeah. And so what do you do for fun when you're in L.A., trying to have some fun?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That is a good answer. I like that. Nice. There we go. Good. All right, Mickey. I love it. What's something we'd be shocked to know about you? Interesting fun fact about your life.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, my goodness. Look how excited H. Foley is right now. He cannot hide his giddiness. He's slipping out of his seat right now. He's wondering if you could have perhaps a gingerbread mansion for sale.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
He's the biggest little boy we've ever seen in our lives. Isn't he adorable, ladies and gentlemen? A micro machine of a drummer. How about a hand for the great Matt Muehling, everybody? Fresh off of an audition to be one of the new Home Alone villains, clearly. The great John Dees is here, everyone. and absolutely adorable, dressed like a skeleton tonight.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What does that mean? Oh, no shit. What is that? Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Foley's second favorite thing. Yeah. Gingerbread houses and vagina candles. That's a Disney movie. Let's go. I love it. Well, Brooke, congratulations. You got pulled first. You got it started. Here's a little joke book. Go show it to your husband. And it goes on and on. One more time for Brooke, everybody. There she goes. The show has begun. Hello there. I'm so happy to see you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And I'm happy to see you, Red Band. This podcast is brought to you by Knit Nicotine Pouches. We're only using Knit Pouches now. And our favorite flavors are citrus ice, berry lemon ice, and spearmint. If you're looking to ditch smoke and tobacco but still want that nicotine fix, you've got to check these out. Let me tell you why Nick's pouches are better than the others on the market.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
The NYKD products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine and nicotine, as we know, is an addictive chemical. Your next comedian, I do believe has been on before. Make some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. Phoenix Provocateur. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed D-Madness on the bass. Oh my goodness. Everything is in its place. The crew is golden tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite comedians, two of the best guests in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's it for Phoenix. I'll stop there. Boom. This is your second time on the show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How could I forget a Phoenix provocateur? Never. One of the rare, uh, Whatever the fuck you are. I don't even know exactly how to label you. Some type of African dragon or something like that. I'm not exactly sure.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Hurry up. I am almost hard right now. Time to slowly take things out of your wallet and then hand it to her.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Phoenix, welcome back. Do you live here in Austin? I do. Okay. What do you do for work again? I don't. You don't work. Wow. Oh my goodness. You really are a woman. Yeah. The supply ladies are pissed. I was like, wait, what? Sorry.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. All right, that's amazing. And you guys live together full time?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Is the oil field that he works with your ass? I have so many questions. Uh, that's cool. That's fun. What do you guys do for fun? What's a date night for people like y'all? Is he always, is he like, uh, excited? He's white.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Matt Muehling has a great question. He's putting it together. White guy works in oil fields. Is it Uncle Laser? The world wants to know. If your five-year relationship is Uncle Lazer. He fucking wishes. I bet. I bet. Wait, why does he wish he's Uncle Lazer? Or Uncle Lazer wishes? Uncle Lazer wishes. Guaranteed Uncle Lazer. Where was I? Did I ask a good question? What was the last job you had?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Talk about the back door. Kevin's been waiting for that package for four and a half minutes. And it is prime. And it looks like it came from the Amazon.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
No, no, it came from El Paso. Oh, that's right. El Paso. My goodness. So how old were you when you moved to Austin?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Of course they fucking miss me. Absolutely. And you're probably, what, the most flamboyant, right? Eccentric, you would say? For now. Well, what do you think's happening? You got a little nephew acting a fool?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's what's happening with these kids. Nothing but fucking their iPhones, iPads all the time. They're fucking vaccinated. These kids are coming out gay as fuck. There's a whole new purple wave coming.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, stop. All right. Perfect. So, Phoenix, how's comedy been going? What have you been doing? What are some good gigs you've done lately? What are you looking forward to?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You know, these people that stayed the same gender their whole lives, they fucking make things too complicated, it seems.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's what I always said. This grandma of yours, are you still close with your grandma?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What does grandma think about, did she know that you were going to, when do you think everyone?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I've never seen Tony blush, that's crazy. Being on my tiptoes is the only way to hang out with Phoenix.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I'm not that big, damn. You are a power forward. What are you talking about? You are getting rebounds above everybody on this fucking... She got high heels on.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I bet it would. I bet it would. I love it. So all your time on stage, you said 14 years you've been on stages. What were you doing again the rest of the time?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You guys are from New York. I bet you didn't think that we had these in Texas.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
This is right in Foley's wheelhouse, by the way. He loves sweets. I don't know if Adam's apple is on that list of his favorite sweets.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Tootsie roll. Is this another Midnight Cowboy reference coming here? Some deep cuts coming for me. I love it.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
This band can really, yeah, they play that all the time for everybody. I don't know why.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, shit, she would have licked y'all asses up. Did you hear that? Can you believe that? All right, dude, where you at? All right. Can we get, like, just a few seconds of a dance move or something like that?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That is so ladylike. That is so ladylike. That is incredible. Like, that's the part where it's like, oh, it's a fucking lady.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Look at that. Absolutely incredible. The guy in the front row is very excited. Oh, yeah. I do believe your dick slapped him in the forehead during one of those dance moves. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Phoenix, you got a big joke book last time you were here? No, I got a little one. Well, guess what, my friend? There you go. Were you going to catch it with your ass? That's incredible. Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. There she goes. We'll wait a second. No way. Wow. I have been informed that the first girl's boyfriend has randomly been pulled out of the bucket by our production team. Oh shit.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
The lovely Heidi is here, everybody. So here he is. This is Brooke Riddell's husband, who she said she's funnier than. This is a minute uninterrupted from Adam Mitchell, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
There he is. There they are. Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, on a beautiful, beautiful Monday evening. Welcome, gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. Hi, Adam. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good. This is a magical night for you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Your wife was pulled out of the bucket two bucket pulls ago. That's right. In between you guys was a massive black tranny. The only thing separating you guys was a phoenix provocateur. Seven foot six inch in the air. Bohemoth of a lovely lady. She can dance. She's multi-talented. She left here with a big joke book. Did you see her?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, look at this guy trying to make it in showbiz. This guy wants to be in one of his lady's Disney commercials. Absolutely beautiful, Tony. No, I'm kidding. All right. Adam, welcome, welcome. How's it going? So how do you feel about all this? How do you think that minute went for you?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. Okay. Some of those people think that. Some people. That's about the amount of people that voted for Kamala Harris in the last election. It's a small percentage. I love it. Adam, tell us something that we don't already know about. What do you do for work again? Jesus Christ. How could you forget? Oh, my God. You've been doing stand-up for two years.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
For you guys that don't know, they are the hosts of literally what I consider one of the only listenable comedy podcasts in the world. I don't really listen or watch anybody's podcasts, including all my best friends. But these two run a show, Are You Garbage? And you find out what's kind of trashy about the guests. And there's a lot. There's a lot, yes. It turns out. For sure. I'm garbage.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You started because your girl was kind of doing improv and sketch, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. And what's the highlight of your comedy career so far? What's the most fun you've ever had doing this?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And how long did you do on that set? I think I did six or seven minutes. All right. And you kept their attention? You kept it going? Yeah, it was a lot of fun. What other types of things did you talk about? You obviously did that Mormon story, because if you're willing to do it in front of millions of viewers, then that's part of it. What else did you talk about?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Hold on a second here. We're going to get to that. We're gonna get to that juicy ass. What do you say about Mexicans on stage? I have to know what the most white human being I've ever seen in my life, a guy who lives in a Danish, super white community, now LA, but okay, what is it?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, you sound like me after the Trump rally. This is great. I have a lot of Latino friends. My band's Latino.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Okay. So, Adam, let's talk about your actual life some more. Your childhood normal? You do anything weird? What's going on with you?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Was that rough for you? Was there a lot of anti-Semitism, as you guys call it? I mean, I got called...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How did they say it? What was the meanest anybody... Do an impression of the guy that was the meanest to you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, very nice. And what exactly are you doing on the supply chain?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, that seems like the most basic answer humanly possible.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You were not classy. That's definitely, yeah. Nope. Born poor. Sure. Had to survive. Had to make some things happen. Many a trips to Subway. Load up the sub. Five dollars. Back in the dizzle. Grew up on black olives. That's right. maraschino cherries show up in my DNA to this day. I got a blood test. 2% maraschino. What's been going on, boys? Everything good? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow, my goodness. Adam, one last question. What scares you? What are you scared of? What am I scared of?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And you're inside of a 14-year-old... It has a gas leak. It has a gas leak? Oh, okay, that's attempted a Jew joke, I see. Wow. All right, well, you and your girl can take your two tiny joke books and make a big one out of it if you try hard enough. There he goes, Adam Mitchell. We're having fun here. Everything's right on schedule. Hello there, and this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Guys, I love working in podcasting. I love having my own show, getting to do this in the best comedy club in the world with amazing guests. I'm feeling grateful. If you're doing what you love to do, there's nothing better than being surrounded by people who love it as much as you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And if you own your own business, you want to hire employees who love what they do to boost the overall success of your business. Plus, make it a pretty great place to work. But how do you find passionate employees who are a good fit for all of your roles? ZipRecruiter. And right now, you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Amazing. Hire experienced people who are excited about what they do with ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address to try ZipRecruiter for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's an exciting time. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. His name is Javier Ramirez, everyone. Javier Ramirez.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Javier Ramirez. Closing with his best joke. Always a smart move. Erases the memory of all the creepy shit you talked about before.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Go ahead. No, sure. If you're going to be creepy, go right ahead. It gives us something to work with.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Route 66, the new special RU Garbage special on RU Garbage on YouTube. So YouTube.com slash RU Garbage. What do you guys do there?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, it seems like you'd be very good at voiceover. It seems like you would be good at that. Have you done anything? What have you done?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. Getting word you were just hired by Disney. Congratulations.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Can you say, hold on a second, hold on. Can you say, this is a brand new episode of Kill Tony live from the comedy mothership.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Do you know how to press random buttons at inopportune times? This is incredible. Yeah. This is incredible. Holy shit. This is amazing. Oh, here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Uh-oh. Look out.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Where do you go swimming at? What kind of swimming is this? Are you the guy drowning gay guys in the river? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
When did your voice start to sound... How old were you when your voice started sounding like that?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Shit. That's a deep cut. Wait, what? Really? Why? That's from the Graham Norton show, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Well, that doesn't make any sense. That would mean that it's easy to date.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
This part, you've had answers for everything up until this part right here.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Well, I mean, you know, I like you guys. This is fucking real. This is me. I feel like I'm on Graham Norton. I love this show. Yeah, Graham Norton. Wow, you really made it. You made it. Graham Norton. That's BBC.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I think we should make this guy sweat. Let's do a little segment on a date with Heidi, everybody. Heidi, we've done this before. There's nothing like watching a nervous man who's not good at dating look Heidi directly in the eyes. Heidi, grab that microphone right there. Let go of her hand, you freak.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Hey, hi. All right, let's get the lighting right for this, guys. This is a little date session. There you guys are.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, Heidi, we get it. You're smart, too. Don't show off. Heidi is smart. Make it about Javier, Heidi. Make it about Javier. Javier, we're gonna give you another shot. Let's pretend like you're deeper into the date, right? You guys have already eaten. The waiter just asked if you guys want dessert. She wanted cheesecake. He walks away. Now you're planning your next move.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Javier, what do you say to Heidi? Look her directly in the eyes. Do not break eye contact with Heidi. Heidi, you do not have to touch him during this segment.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Can you think of anything creepier to say? Jesus fucking Christ, Javier.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. I'm trying so hard, Javier. I'm trying to get you to close strong. Let's try it again. Dessert order taken. Waiter walks away.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's British trash. Yeah. But you guys have been on this show numerous times, much like Graham Norton's favorite guest. I've had you on multiple times. You guys know how it works. If you get pulled out of this bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? A lot of people don't know this. Heidi speaks like 11 languages. She's like the fucking Hans Landa of this show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What happened to you? Did someone bully, were you bullied by a woman or something?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Javier, did you get a little joke book lesson? I got a little one lesson. There you go, and that remains the same. Doing it. Javier Ramirez, everybody. What the fuck was that? Put that in the mic stand, Javier. Jesus Christ. What kind of Ramirez doesn't finish the job? Put the mic where you found it. Put it on the X, you crazy bastard. This fucking diva over here.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You can't close with a woman or a set. Javier Ramirez. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another, not even a regular, not a golden ticket winner. He's always been a special utensil, a very polarizing figure. You know? Word is that the people on the internet don't like him. People in live crowds love him, it seems. We can't really... He's one of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Here, with a new minute, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Uncle Lazer.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That means you have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let one of these lovely lesbians in the front row pick out a name to start the show. That'll be first.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Uncle Lazer. Showing growth. Showing improvement. A grower. A grower. A grower. He just keeps growing while still being five feet, one inch. Okay, dude. Grew up by a power plant.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Something like that. Something like that. I loved it, man. Pure momentum through the whole set where my thick ladies at. A lot of them in the back. There was a lot of them back there. A lot of noise in the darkness. A lot of ladies like, please, not near the front. Not near the front. You could tell. The back went wild for the thick ladies. How's it going, Uncle Lazer? Going good.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And while our sweet, sweet crew goes and wrangles the comedian from across the street, we're going to get it started with one of our favorite golden ticket winners in the history of the show, an absolute sweet, sweet, sweet little fucking enchilada that we found many years ago in Houston, Texas. A long-tenured golden ticket winner here with the new minute.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
She brought Phoenix up here and said that I had sex with her. Yeah, I was fucking... She claims to be with an oil man.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Laser! Oh, my goodness. Pure momentum right now. This could be his greatest performance yet, everybody. I could tell. I've seen him. I've seen him have moments like this before. This is, we are going to relapse tonight, Laser 101. I've seen it before. All it takes is a few minutes on this show for him to lose control of his entire life. I am not kidding, by the way.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's funny because it's true, and he knows it. This is one of those moments where right now he's just thinking about pure cocaine.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wait, there's a bunch of homeless people wearing Uncle Laser merch right now? Can we get some fucking fans in Santa Fe, New Mexico to go around to the alleyways and take some pictures for us? Please. I need this so badly. Please tag Uncle Laser and Kill Tony Show and Red Band... Please.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Red Band is already looking at the satellite cameras in Santa Fe, New Mexico. We're trying to zoom in. We could not be more excited. I don't know if these homeless people know that they can afford Uncle Laser merch. It's very available. The prices are ridiculously low.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I love it, Lazer. And what's your love life like right now? I got a woman down from Buffalo. We just got one of those stripper dogs. Is it a buffalo? Is that what you said?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the adorable and powerful, This is Enrique Chacon, everyone.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. No, she's a doctor. She's a doctor? Yeah. Oh, my God. Whoa. What a dumbass. Yeah. Because I'm not a doctor, you know what I'm saying? Wow. I'm guessing she's a proctologist? What's that? Specializes in assholes. She's got a lot of work on her hands.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I say I'm dating a doctor. That's why. So, you know. Incredible. Incredible. And she's a doctor. She lives here now?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I love it. Seems like you're a very good listener back at home. All right, Lazer. I mean, unbelievable set. You have this... You've taken this pro wrestling energy... Throwback. And you've only been doing it how long? January was three years full-time. Three-year veteran of the game. Uncle Lazer. Thank you, guys. Learn to love it. He is coming to your town.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
People of New Mexico, go to Santa Fe, take pictures. Anyone who gets me pictures of homeless people wearing Uncle Lazer merch... Gets a, I don't know what, something. Something. We'll figure it out. He's fantastic. Just know you'll bring me great joy. Okay. We having fun out there, huh? Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Colin Sledge. Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
fuck yeah colin sledge i love it you're your own thing you got your own voice your own and who you are fucking amazing how long you been doing stand-up uh we'll call it three years amazing where at houston always houston okay you still live in houston yeah i live in houston amazing is that where you're born and raised yes born and raised i love it what do you do for a living
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Amazing. I love it. It makes perfect fucking sense. You have your own rhythm. You do look like you play the organ at a haunted house. This all makes perfect sense. I love it. Guys, Colin Sledge, can you believe what you're seeing?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Where's the camera? Where's my camera at? Straight out there. There's one over there. What the fuck? They're everywhere. It's wild that there's not a red light on that one in the back. Is there one back there? What, he would cover up the red light? That's weird. Okay. All right.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So, Colin, what does a guy like you, scary as fuck, what does a guy like you do for fun when you want to let loose a little bit? What part of the woman's body do you like to eat first?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What cemetery do you live in? What do you like to do for fun? What would surprise us about you?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Unbelievable. So what else? Tell me more about you. When you want to let your hair down and not be so creepy, what do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They could have done that over the phone, dude. He was still in the car. He pulled in. They're like, you got it. You got it. Keep going.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, yeah, I remember now. I remember now. For some reason, I pictured you, like, in the middle, like, with, like, sunglasses or something. Yeah, he's got real kiosk vibes.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Does this fucking guy work here? Shh. I'm busy. Yeah. Wow. How else do you flex your autism?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You know, and I don't think we've ever done this before in the history of this show. But John, I mean, this is a one in a billion snag right here. I don't know how fucking blatantly he can get out. He'll get out just fine. He'll climb somewhere. Matt will let him out. I mean, John Dees, is it okay if we let this fucking virtuoso step in for a second? I think he's asleep right now, everybody. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Ladies and gentlemen, put that mic in the mic stand there, Colin. By myself, yes. Wow, Deez is furious. This fucking poor sportsmanship over here. My God. Shut the fuck up. Come on. All right. Yeah, make sure it's the piano. Last thing we need is him fucking freaking out and screaming because it comes out like a violin or something. Oh, it's a violin. It's a violin. There he goes.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Colin looking very uncomfortable as a blind man walks by. Okay, yeah, he's blind, yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we never, ever, ever let anyone touch our amazing band leader, John Deez's piano. But I have to know what's going on with the stylings. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the musical debut. And just let him play. Let's not back him up.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Let's just feel the flow of the stylings of Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go. Okay, this is the only thing I've memorized. I mean, you can play anything you want.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. John Dees has set you up for failure. He wants to be the only good piano player.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, that's enough, Colin. You play like one of your students. I literally play piano better than you. No, Michael, no. I need a sustain, okay? You need a sustain. There is a pedal down there.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You're so funny. I feel like the interviews with you could go on forever and ever. Do you feel at home here?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Weirdly, yeah. How much material do you think you have if you had to do a rock-solid great set?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We're going to do three things here. First of all, Red Band. He lives in Houston. He lives in Houston. That is correct. That's a two-and-a-half-hour drive, Red Band. If you want to do The Secret Show Thursday... There you go. There you go. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And I want the talent booker here at the Comedy Mothership to see you. And the open mic here starts in about 15, 20 minutes. So if you stick around, you're going to get to showcase for the talent booker, the very famous Adam Egott. Booker of here, former Booker of the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, former co-host of the Norm MacDonald Show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And I want you to do a guest spot on my show here at the Comedy Mothership. Wednesday at 7. It's a sold-out show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Is that okay? Do you have enough... Is it driving too much? I'll make it work. You're going to make it work. I think you will. That makes sense. But your interviews are so good. I think you should really come back here more. So, you know what?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I'm going to give you a golden ticket as well, Kyle. That is just... That's just a level of autism. There's a level of autism missing from this show since Hans Kim is always busy on the road nowadays, and we need someone like you. You're gonna fit in just fine. Congratulations. Here's the big joke book. Colin Sledge, ladies and gentlemen, has made his Kill Tony debut here. Colin Sledge.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
He's even got a good name, too. Look at that. Look at you. It's amazing. Amazing. That's it. That guy was fucking great, dude. This lady's going to suck his cock right now, just when you think he's got everything going for him. Ooh, this guy's got a good name, too. Anything can happen here. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Gus Horn, everyone. Gus Horn. Here we go. Oh, all right.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
There he is. Ooh, takes the glasses off after the set. What a little rock star we got. Holy shit. I love it, Enrique. Rock solid. One of my favorite minutes of yours. Thank you, man. Talking about topical stuff.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
32. Yikes. You look great, buddy. What have you been doing this whole life that makes you look like a 60-year-old Bosnian war veteran? I studied a lot. That's not it. What did you study? Cookbooks?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Brazilian? Yeah. Wow. Well, you look a Brazilian years older than you are. So stupid. That was a home run, dude. So stupid. That was the best joke I've ever heard. So stupid. Oh, we got D Madness back. There he is. There he is. Okay. So a nuclear engineer, and you don't do that anymore, huh?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. So what do you think is going to happen? What's happening, Gus? Tell us about it. You left a major, serious, safe, secure engineering job in order to chase your dreams of being a stand-up comedian. Tell us about the process of that.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You've done stand-up in 20 countries? You speak different languages?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Just 20 seconds. You can really say anything. We don't know what it is. I just want to know what it sounds like.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Little Portuguese from a little pork and cheese. That's what I call that right there. My man. Absolutely adorable. You guys could be a fucking act together. A groundbreaking new comedy act. Stage breaking too. That's right. Absolutely. So Gus Horn. Unbelievable. You were born in Brazil?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I bet you could slip right out of their grasp. Look at you. Look at how sweaty you are, Enrique. It is literally, we keep a thermometer here at all times. People think it's a joke. It's real. 67.3 degrees Fahrenheit. 67 degrees. And look at that forehead right now. Can you control that? Can you turn it down?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. Okay. As in Alex Pereira? Yeah. Wow. And is he part of your family?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's one of the most common last names in Brazil. Yeah, I know. And then there's the horns. You're a little bit German?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wait, what did the Germans do? What did you guys do? There is a little horn. There's a horn. There it is. Okay, anything ever go wrong when you were nuclear engineering? You ever have a little fucking, little, what's that, Chernobyl situation?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I mean, that batch had to be crazy. That is amazing. Nobody tried it? Just a rumor? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh my God. Amazing. Who brought the puppy home? Was it your idea?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What? Uber Eats. Yeah. You got a puppy delivered? How did this happen?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, nice. Did you bang her? Hm? That was my next question. Did you bang her? Not the dog. No, no. I'm not poor, innocent Charlie. But your ex, no? No. Was the puppy kind of like a way to try to save the relationship, you think?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How about, oh, there's Charlie. Charlie's calling into the show right now. Charlie, we're here with your former owner, Gus Horn. Charlie, do you miss Gus at all? Whoa, Jesus Christ. Jesus, Charlie, you're out of control. This fucking dog is wild. Oh, my God. All right, all right, that's enough. Hang up on Charlie. Okay.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You're right. I know. Just picturing meat being cut off in front of you. As a Brazilian, when you were done with the relationship, did you just flip your coin over to let her know that you weren't down for any more? I put it on rad, yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So these girls, did I ask you where you find them at, where you meet them at? Mostly Hinge. Right, okay, so it's apps. So, like, the most recent date that you went on, this was in Atlanta?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You got a couple of big guys here. Is that what you ask the doctor after he takes your blood pressure?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So, like, what do you do with a woman in Austria? What does a guy like Gus Horn do with a woman on a date from a dating app? Do you just have her come straight to your place?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What was that? Was that you? You have Fiona's laugh saved on a keyboard? Oh my God, that's amazing. Hold on. Wait till it gets quiet. I want to hear it one more time. Right now. Just hit the button. That is incredible. This is amazing. I've been trying to get Red Band to add new sound effects for 13 years. Deez is back there just with his own secret collection. What else do you have back there?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Anything else? You just saved Fiona's laugh? I love that. Hit it one more time. It's amazing. Oh, you guys got to do like a remix with that. You got to put that into a song. That belongs somewhere. Could play it at her funeral. Oh, come on. Shut up. Shut up. She's inevitably going to die. There you go. See, she thinks it's funny. Assholes. She has an uncurable disease.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Am I not supposed to joke about it? All right. Gus, you are a very, very funny man. Congratulations. Thank you very much. How long are you in Austin, Texas for? I'm supposed to leave tomorrow, but I don't have a job, so I can change things around. Where are you going to go? Atlanta? Yeah. And what's your setup in Atlanta? You have an apartment, a house?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I'm staying with my parents for a little while. Oh, staying with the parents. Oh, damn. There's a fucking... Gold digging bitch. It's furious in the back. Here's a big joke book, Gus. Congratulations. Very funny. Very funny. Gus Horn, ladies and gentlemen. Sign up again sometime, Gus. I gotta tell you, this is an interesting name. Some more beers. Oh, it's going down over here.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, this is an interesting name. Definitely a first time bucket pool. Let's see what happens here. This is the Kill Tony debut, no doubt, of Jasper the Disappointing Mime. Jasper the Disappointing Mime, here he is everybody.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, let's just do the show how we normally do it. Sorry. Your time to do something funny was then. That was it. Jasper, first of all, let me remind you that white mimes use more white face paint than you've used tonight. You are blatantly, this is one of the best ways to not get deported I've ever seen, is by being a mime, white face.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, how long have you been doing comedy, Jasper? Not that long, actually. A few years, a few years. A few years. How long have you been doing the disappointing mime act? Like six months. Six months. What made you want to switch from being you to a disappointing mime?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Who told you you were disappointing before? My family. Wow, this is absolutely incredible. Did they see you perform? Never, not once. Okay.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's good enough for me, guys. That's it. Fiona gets the credit for that. Okay.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Built like an ice cream cone. Very tiny ankles. Getting bigger as it goes up. Sugar cone. It is a sugar cone. That's what I'm looking for. Our senior ice cream cone correspondent, Brian Redband, correcting me. It is a sugar cone, not a baby cone. We all know the differences in the cones. Has anyone ever called you a sugar cone before?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We're going to keep it moving along here. Thank you. Appreciate that. There you go. There you go. Oh, we don't? Let's get one more up here. Why not? Absolutely. I like... I liked them. Now that belongs on the Graham Norton show. You know, sometimes it's like, sometimes you have to ask yourself. Oh, they're miming. They're miming music. Wow. They're jamming so hard. Dee's doing it too. Dee gets it.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Somehow Dee knows what they're doing. The absolute fucking synergy of this band is incredible, to where the blind guy's like... I do believe that is, as far as I can remember, the first mime that we've ever had on this show, and definitely the first disappointing mime. You gotta like that he owns it. I was gonna ask him to lose the character and do stand-up as himself, but it just...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
There's just something. There's a line you walk on this show. You know, there's a reason why other podcasts don't just pull names out of a bucket. There really is. There's a real fucking reason why that no one, no matter how funny or whatever they may be, has the courage to be like, you know what I want to do. I'm going to let anyone sign up.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And a big part of the reason why is because every once in a while you get a Jasper the Disappointing Mind. Someone in which you're like, wow, is this one day going to be used as evidence in a federal court? We've only had one bucket pool ever end up being a murder. And, you know, it's true. It's true. There's date lines and everything about it. Gareth Pursehouse. Gareth Pursehouse. And, yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, there's a lot going on. They've only just begun uncovering the great mystery of Gareth Pursehouse, who murdered Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend while, yeah, he got pulled out of the bucket while Drew Carey, in an unbelievable turn of coincidences, was performing upstairs at the Comedy Store that night. Gareth Pursehouse got pulled out of the bucket in the main room.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And then only, I think, a few weeks or a couple months later, after a terrible performance on the show, murdered his ex-girlfriend, who was also Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend. God damn. Yeah, Boo is right. Murders are bad, lady. There's a lot of, yes, Boo the murderer. Brilliant stuff happening here. I love the heckling from the crowd during a mimes performance, by the way.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I got to give you guys some credit. Guy was ready to kill himself.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. If anybody sees a little French beret with brains next to it on the sidewalk later, we're going to know what happened. We are waiting for your final bucket pool of the night. Any second now. Young Colt will be walking through that door. What's the point of having headsets for the producers if he still has to run across the street? I mean, you could just text somebody, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, isn't there a better system for this? Is there anything? They're just smiling at us. Yeah, that's great. I love it. It just keeps... We've had a way better week than last week. It is unbelievable. We are indeed coming off of the episode in which we all lost count. There was an absolute record-setting amount of bucket pulls. We got rid of every little joke book. And...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I mean like it would be faster if I got up and walked over and got the person and walked them back. Like there's headsets, there's walkie talkies. It's like a high level show. We got a fancy table now and somehow it takes seven minutes for a... Yeah, here we go. Here it comes. Any fucking second now. There he is. We need a better system for this.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Whoa, there's some people vomiting in the crowd right now. Absolutely incredible. You have a wristband that looks extremely tight. Seems like your hand is going to be deported before the rest of you. What is that wristband? How are you ever going to get it off?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You guys ready for your final bucket pool of the night? Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Make some noise for Seth Tilley. Seth Tilley.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. I can't believe we waited for that. That was a long wait. Hi, Seth. Welcome. How are you? Step up to that mic. How long have you been doing stand-up? April 1st, make a year. April 1st, we'll make a year.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. Where are you from? Lake Charles, Louisiana. Lake Charles, Louisiana. Absolutely. You like crawfish? Oh, I eat the motherfuckers up, man. You're goddamn right. Hell yeah, you do. Tis the season. Tis the season around here. It's crawfish season. You sucking heads? I don't suck the heads. It's too metallic.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It has a metallic taste. Oh, wow. Yeah. God damn, I didn't realize Lake Charles was the fucking pussy farm over there. Hey, but I'm open to a pussy eating contest in Lake Charles. Okay. Oh, yeah. All right. You have some real swagger to you. What do you do for...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, he does. He has the swagger of a snowman that just turned into a real human.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What do you do for the airlines? Baggage. Baggage, yes. Yep. Absolutely. Working on the old supply line. I love it. Absolutely. And what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has a lot of pastimes, a lot of hobbies.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How does that start? How does a Xanax addiction start? Well, I can tell you how it stops.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. I'm sure there's some people half asleep cracking up out there on Xanax. People waiting. I've been waiting for a Xanax comedian. So how does it start? My question, my much more interesting question was how does someone start? I'm always so intrigued to know how these things happen. I steer clear of all drugs except for alcohol, marijuana, and mushrooms a few times a year.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
In order to not get addicted to anything. So how does a Xanax addiction start? I've never even, I took melatonin. I've done that like once and it's crazy. I sweat, I have crazy dreams, I sleep, slept, walked. I took a half of one the next time, same exact shit. I can't do anything. Tell me how a Xanax addiction starts.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I love it. This guy's great, dude. It is. He's wiping the sweat out of his eyes. You would think he's in round 10 of a boxing match right now if he was joining us. Jake Paul, where you at? His hair is sweating. I've never seen sweaty hair before. It is coming from the top of his head. He's literally, I've made a lot of ice cream cone references while he melts up here tonight.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Almost sexual. I was going to say, let's get some Zanny bars. Yeah. But what made you take that? Was there a lady that's like, you should try one of these? Something like that. That first pill, where do you get it? How do you find it? How do you know you even like it? How do you want it?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
No, I get it. Again, that's why I don't try these things, because I'm afraid I'll like them. It seems enjoyable. Yeah, you're a smart man. Uh-huh. Yep. Okay, so what else, Seth? What else have you been doing your whole life? How old are you? I am 38. Jesus Christ, what is going on tonight? There are a lot of extremely, it's like, I'm 17, Tony. Like, what is going on in here?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Crawl dads and zannies. It's unbelievable when Red Band looks younger than all the bucket bowls. Hey, what would you do for a Xanax, boy? Okay, this guy loves Xanax. I love it. Fighting it, don't I? Right, you're fighting it right now? Nope. Okay. The sweat on your upper lip tells me different. Yeah. Hey, that's what she said, bro. Okay, all right.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, with the rest of your life, Seth, what else have you done? You've lived a full life other than Xanax. What have you done?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Can you explain to us normal people what a firmware update from you would?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You're going to... There you go. Caught that. Two disappointing mimes in a row, everybody. All right. Now, you know, this episode had a lot of momentum early on and slowly right towards the end got very sad. And I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Jolt us alive one last time.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
with the stylings of the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever on the show, the most interviews. He's back, and he's redder than ever. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Sioux Falls Folly, the Xanax Zanzibar himself, the Knickerbocker of New York, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We have the facts. Enrique, a great set. Are some of your family members illegal? Let's talk about it.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
59.99 seconds. Like the man who's done it more than anyone ever. You nailed it, my friend. I was so close to a minute, Tony. You are the absolute best, William. One of the most loved human beings in all of the art form. An international superstar, unlike anything we've ever seen or fathomed before.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Have you thought about, because we have a very, very beautiful, very famous river here, have you thought about rowing in real life?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You don't even need a club. You could just have your thing. You could just have your thing and go out there. Your canoe. I need to figure it out.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Is there something about... Where is the rower in your house exactly? What part of the... It's not in my house.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Why? How could that possibly be? How could the volume be busted?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I was trying. Wow. Now, when you say the volume's busted, does that mean you can hear it a little bit?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
My goodness. But when you get to the gym, you put in headphones?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You do what you are. There is a little bit of perspiration happening. There's a lot of food up in the green room. You didn't want to partake in any of that? No, not ever since it got me sick.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Don't you kind of always get sick from things? I just ate seven tacos up there. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's so exciting. Have you ever thought about perhaps inviting Red Band with you? You guys could row together. Can you swim? Yeah. Yeah. William, a fun fact, he's a superior athlete, a former cycling champion.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I don't normally talk about my personal life on the show very much, but I golf with Lance Armstrong. That's one of my golf buddies, and he is ridiculously competitive, even though he's great at everything. He's still very competitive.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So to hear that, to hear that your mom, the sweet southern little tiny sweet lady, so sweet she's been on this show, one of the great guests, or the Montgomery's, the only... duo of parents to ever sit on the panel of the show. To hear that she said, well, not as good as you, obviously, is just, I can't even imagine what he must have thought. Just what a stupid piece of shit she is.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They don't let you vote? The Democrats that let you here don't want you to vote? I've never heard of such a thing.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
In that moment, in that moment, even though I don't think that, I know that he thought that. There's no doubt about it. For sure. Just what a dumb piece of white trash this lady. Yeah, stupid woman.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. That's fun. William, what else is going on before we get out of here?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, we could do it right now. Hit it. You haven't shit in like two days. One, two, three, four. That is an amazing sound effect. Brought to you by Talkspace and Shopify. William, you are the absolute best. You are a legend. Nice to be here, Tony. We love you and we did it again. These are the RU Garbage Boys. Thank you, guys. Route 66 out now on their YouTube. Go to YouTube. Type in RU Garbage.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Truly one of the funniest podcasts. Two of the funniest human beings. RU Garbage. R-U... R-O-U-T-E 6-6. There it is. Turn that shit up. Thank you so much, everybody. Red Band, you want to say anything? Check out The Secret Show at thesunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. Big, big announcement coming. Stay tuned for those of you that live around the world. Chris Rogers, what do you got tonight?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, I bet. By blue shit, do you mean your left hand that is slowly turning? Fuck, Cody!
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What do we got over there? Oh, Matt Muehling, look at that. Wow. Unbelievable. Incredible. All right. Audience, we love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. Did you get her a ring as well? Yeah, I did get her a ring. Is it an onion ring?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I bet I am. Yeah. I bet. What else is going on? Things are good with the girl?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yes, that is true. Oh, my goodness. Look at the sweat pouring down. Nobody got an extra towel over here? Enrique, remind us all how old you are.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And by the amount of sweat, he just, on the Kill Tony death pole, just passed up Brian Redman on the mountaintop. Absolutely incredible. Brian is 50 and gray, and you just passed him up at 28 years old. You are the most likely to die next. How does that make you feel, Enrique?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Play some of that Mexican shit for me at the funeral. There he goes, Enrique Chacon, everybody, getting the show started. I love you guys. Ba-na-na-na. All right. It is time to go to the bucket. The famous part of the show where we meet people, find people. Could be the next great talent. Could be somebody that thought they were going to do great. Could be somebody's first time.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Could be a 20-year veteran here to try to make it for the first time ever in their lives. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It is Brooke Riddell, everyone. Brooke Riddell here on Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace and Shopify.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everyone? And that's the best damn band in all of the land, proving it yet again. Make some noise for them, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike, believe it or not. That is...
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So you use your imagination, because there's no black guys in Ukraine, is what you're saying.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And it is pretty... We've been sending giant missiles to Ukraine for a couple years. Maybe, uh... War jokes. Do you know... But, like...
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What is, just give us one thing before we get you out of here. What do you mean?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You know how it is. Ari's been jerking off to the view. You know how it is. The party has begun. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun. This is Kill Tony live from Austin, Texas. Brought to you by Nicked. Nicked, N-Y-K-D. The amazing nicotine pouch. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, has joined the fray. And now it begins, our first bucket pool of the night.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Simple, they do a minute, we interview them, we don't know them, anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. Jovan Afzali. I wanted to say Jovan. But this guy knows, Jovan Absali.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Jovan... Jovan... Afzali. What is that? What's your ethnicity?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm guessing you don't have a canoe and an internship.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, you're wearing the pants, that makes sense. I was wondering if those are legit chef's pants, they are. Yep, I had work, yep. Okay, and how long have you done that for?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years, wow. Where at?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, you must love it here compared to Albany, New York.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Tony, you'd think he'd have better lines being a line cook.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He's been cooking up. Brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, jet ski. Jet ski. Okay. Who's on your shirt? My mom. That's Derek's mother. Penelope Poston. We all know her. We love her.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow. All right. Somehow that's the most racist part of the show so far. Very interesting. What do you specialize in cooking?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right. What have you learned working at the Asian restaurant? Do you have a mean Asian boss?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Just in case they're, like, ready to throw you in there right now. Dress for the job you want, am I right? Absolutely. 100%. 100%. Joven, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, can we get a little, like, what type of music do you dance to? Country?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hell yeah. The Afghani assassin. All right. With the Indian trap music. It is wild. Your father, it seems like he'd be furious to see you do that.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What does he think about you doing stand-up, your Afghani father? Uh, he seems to like it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And they're up in Albany still? Yeah, that's where they live. They have caves there?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What type of girls are you into? Do you find yourself being more into brown girls?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't know. The face doesn't even matter to Joven. He doesn't care. It's mostly about the attitude.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Just kind of not smiling a lot. Can you do an impression of a grumpy Asian woman that you would be into? Just go for it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. But it was a good set. You are the first bucket pulled tonight. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. And it has begun. There goes Jovan Afzali. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Look, I know that none of you watch porn and neither do I. I think it's gross. But just in case you have any friends that do, help me pass along this important PSA.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Incognito mode does not make you incognito. Check the fine print. All your late night activities are still 100% visible to a ton of third parties unless you use ExpressVPN. And let me throw it to our in-house porn expert, RedBang.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yikes is right, Red Band. ExpressVPN reroutes 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers so third parties can't see your browsing history. ExpressVPN hides your IP address, making it extremely difficult for third parties to track your online activity. It's so easy to use. Just fire up the app and click one button to get protected.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's also rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge. I personally love using ExpressVPN. When we travel, I can rest easy knowing my data is safe and secure around the globe. So protect your online privacy today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash Kill Tony. And you can get an extra four months for free.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony. Hello, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by PrizePix, the best place to win cash while watching sports. Join over 10 million users and sign up today to get $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
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KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I love that. Those are assists. Assists. Yes, that is an incredible lineup, Red Band. You totally know what you're talking about. It's blatant that anybody can do it. So download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Again, download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yes. Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And how loud can this place get for the best damn band in all the fucking land? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. A legend of the show joining us on trumpet, the jet ski Jesse Johnson.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Prize picks run your game. All right. Your next bucket pool, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Sammy Blumenthal. Sammy Blumenthal. Here she is.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Sammy Blumenthal. Welcome, welcome. Sammy, is this your first time on the show? My second time. Nice. Welcome back. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
A little over a year. When was the last time you were on?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, yeah, that has nothing to do with the question that I asked you. I'm sorry, okay. So December was when you were on the show? Yep, there we go, December. Took a long time for it to come out, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You are Jewish. That confirms it right there. Um, I did this show, but then it took, like, four weeks. You must have taken your first vacation in absolute years or something. Wow, thank you, Sammy, for pointing that out for no reason. Took fucking two weeks in a row off. I got this Jew calling me out on it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, so, Sammy, that was fun. You've been doing stand-up for a year. What do you do for a living?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right. Sorry. I'm a simple man. Okay, have you ever saved somebody's life? What's your greatest accomplishment from that job?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We're finding out what kind of porn Ari's actually into. I have a lot of explaining to do a German shepherd on Jew girl tits.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right. Let's talk about your relationship with your dog.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Game. But he does. He continues to get hard without balls. Yeah. Absolutely. Is there something that happens? Is there something that you do? Is it when you're cooking? Is it when you wake up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. Let's stick with the real. When does he get hard? We want to know when the dog gets hard. We are genuinely concerned.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Do you spit on it? That was Red Band. All lawsuits go to Ryan Red Band for that one. Disgusting. Disgusting. So gross. Do you spit on it? All right. So Sammy, what's your love life actually like? You seem like a likable pretty girl, but you seem like a cat lady that has a dog. Really? I'm, like, severely allergic to cats.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. The great Matt Muehling is on the electric guitar. John Dee's on the keys. And that is indeed live in the flesh, the one and only Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. We are gonna have so much fun tonight. Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Let's go. Tell us more about this might be gayer than you thought thing. How does this happen? I like this.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Do you have a video of it? Red Band. Red Band, you are misbehaving tonight. You're out of control. This is a professional show. We were almost there, Red Band. This is a professional show. We were almost there.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We respect women, and we don't do that. Okay, take us back. Do you have video of it? Yeah. All right, I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You went down on a girl and you threw up? Yes. Oh, this is epic. Yes, so... This is unbelievable. I'm one of the greatest interviewers in podcast history. How did we get here?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Take us step by step throughout the night. Did you go to a movie? Did you have dinner? What happened here?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you're hanging out at the apartment. What are you guys doing? What are you doing? How old was she when you were 12?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, but you guys are grown up. You're hanging out. It's just the two of you. You're at her place doing girly things. What are you guys doing? Like the dishes? Uh... Terrible. Terrible. I'm sorry, ladies. No, it's okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Did you really feel in her boobs? I was touching her boobs. You gotta feel her titties a little bit before you go down. Kissing like this?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, no, I... Yeah, you have to go around the bases. You can't cut from first to third across the pitcher's mound.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I now remember your appearance on this show. Yes, yes. You had a boyfriend that you found, remind us, it was a video?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, D Madness has to go. Famous homophobe, D Madness. When he gets too gay, D Madness takes a break.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So you found out your boyfriend's gay. Even though you're in an open relationship, you say, no way. And then you're hanging out with your girlfriend.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Let's just slow it down. Before the vomit. Before the vomit. Because we want to paint a picture here a little bit. Are you on a couch, a bed? Bed. And you guys are both naked or she just took her pants off? What's going on here? We are both naked. But naked. But naked. And she hasn't done anything to you?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you go between her legs. How long do you think you're there about? How long do you last?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Red Band's only heard people have sex before. Well, like, the reason why... We actually do have a sound of Red Band having sex.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's after Tom Segura broke his arm. He made this. So play it one more time. It's not sex. Tom Segura broke his arm playing basketball. Okay, back to it. So you're down there, you're talking, you're asking questions while swiping your tongue randomly and then checking back in again.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, no, no, no. Don't do that. Hold on. Okay, so let's keep going. Let's keep going. You can't tell them to do something. So sorry. They're going to turn on you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Do you think she could hear you vomiting? Oh, she knew.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Time to go back to school, I guess. Redband, you are really... That makes no sense.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, it's like, very rarely is there a case of bulimia after that kind of eating out. Yeah. What's her Instagram?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. All right. Well, Sammy, what size joke book did you get last time? I did get a big one. There you go. Thank you so much. There she goes. Sammy Blumenthal. How fun. Long interview. Very fun. All right. Let's keep it moving along. We're having fun here. There goes Sammy Blumenthal. And on to the next one we go. Will Hunsinger. Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody. Come on, guys.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's my time. Will Hunsinger, everybody. Welcome, Will. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years. I love it. Where at?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, you're in for a treat. Luckily, I book this show, and every single week I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on. This week is an extra special one, because we don't always get to see our dear, dear brothers from the other places, New York, Los Angeles, as much as we'd like, especially the few that we really love from New York and Los Angeles.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Don't move for that shit. Don't do that. What exactly do you do as an aerospace engineer?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Will Hunsinger. He's innocent, by the way. That motherfucker's handsome.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Will, let me just cut to the chase here. We just had a girl on here who went down on a girl once and vomited. Do you have anything in your life that interesting that's ever happened?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hey, y'all. The number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, night two of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for night one, April 4th. There is also the London O2 Arena. Massive, massive arena. It's our only show in Europe. That is June 7th.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So, what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How many years have you played guitar for? Oh, like two or three.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Maybe it's about your family. Maybe it's something that's happened to you. Anything at all.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Ladies and gentlemen, two of my dear brothers, two of the most successful comedians out there. One has the newest special on Netflix. It's called Life. Your guests tonight are Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston. Oh, my God. Yes. Live in the flesh. Make some fucking noise for Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston here in Uxton, Texas. with the newest special on Netflix. It's called Life.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And the buddy that you punched, he was on Mushrooms 2, right?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Imagine that. Imagine you see your spirit guide coming down the stairs. You're tripping your balls off and you're like, oh, he's back. Oh, great. What the fuck?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But... Perfect. Perfect. Well, Will, thanks for signing up. Fun times. On to the next one we go. Here's a little joke book. Oh, my goodness. Wow. This guy's a jujitsu. He catches like a jujitsu guy. This podcast is sponsored by Open Phone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected. That's why you need Open Phone. Open Phone.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. With Open Phone, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox. That way, any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever. Plus, with AI-powered call transcripts and summaries, you'll be able to automate follow-ups, ensuring you'll never... miss a customer interaction again.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So whether you're a one-person operation drowning in calls and texts or have a large team that needs better collaboration tools, Open Phone is a no-brainer. See why over 50,000 businesses trust Open Phone to manage their businesses' calls and texts. Open Phone is offering my listeners 20% off your first six months at openphone.com. That's O-P-E-N-P-H-O-N-E.com.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
slash kill tony and if you have existing numbers with another service open phone will port them over at no extra charge open phone no missed calls no missed customers Hello there, our friends. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You all know what speed dating is, right? Well, if you are the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
In other words, you could meet several interested qualified candidates at once, all at a designated time. Well, good news, there is. It's ZipIntro from ZipRecruiter. You can post your job today and start talking to qualified candidates tomorrow and right now. You could try ZipIntro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's so easy. It's so easy. Red Band can do it. So enjoy the benefits of speed hiring with new Zip Intro, only from Zip Recruiter, rated number one hiring site based on G2. Try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Zip Intro. Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. What's going on over there?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Michael, what's happening? What is going on over there? What's happening? Let me just tell you, Michael, you have no idea how replaceable you are. Wait a second. Oh my God. A legend of the game. Who would have guessed? Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen, the original Kill Tony drummer is visiting. Switch it up. There they go. From one, this is it. Mexicans taking Mexicans' jobs.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Make some noise for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. A lot of you probably are newer fans. Bandwagon fans. Joel has traveled the world as a Kill Tony drummer. Somebody call ICE on this motherfucker. When Joel Berg says a funny, everybody chants Joel Berg. You guys get it? You go Joel Berg. You'll get it. He's very funny. How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
With Jetski Jesse Johnson. It's all J's. It's six J's. Jetski Jesse Johnson and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. That's crazy. I've never noticed that before. What? I don't know what you're saying. Oh, my God. Sometimes I wish we had another camera and mic so that you guys could see the retarded show that I deal with, listening to Red Band say things next to me. Look at those jugs. What's wrong with you?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Derek has a new special on Don't Tell Comedy coming April 16th. This is very, very exciting to have you guys. You've been on this show before. Derek's my fucking homie from the green room here in the mothership taking over Austin, Texas. One of the funniest people in the world. Say hi, Derek.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
This guy's out of control tonight. Why would you say that? All right. Indeed. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Brian Smith, everybody. Make some noise for Brian Smith.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Holy shit. Thank you. What the fuck? That was crazy, dude. That was fucking absolutely nuts.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't think you had to run. Did they make it so that you have to sprint? Right. No, definitely not. I had to lightly jog. But who told you that? Dusty. Somebody told you to lightly jog?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. Yeah. It took a while to get there, but we found out he walked here, ladies and gentlemen. Just making sure. We would never make somebody lightly jog, especially somebody that already looks like they've been boiled today. Yeah. Fucking guy. I've never met a rotisserie human before. This is absolutely unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Some people refer to me as red sometimes, but that's a special color. I'm never that color.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It is true. Probably isn't, honestly. This is incredible. Thank you. I mean, do you ever exercise?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
and the great and powerful Andrew Schultz. Hello, everybody. Back on this show, first time back since Madison Square Garden.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Is this why you thought walking fast was jogging? Yeah. Right. Right. What kind of exercise have you done?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Bryant Smith. Thank you. Can we see some of your yard karate? I'm obsessed with this idea. Put the mic in the mic stand. I know you've got a lot of exercise in already today. I did. And here it is. Give me some karate music. It's fucking anything. Yep, there you go. That's... Really? That's your... That's your... Yeah. One of the horn players kind of gets it. Okay. All right. That's enough.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Brian, stick with me here. What do you do for work? I got fired on Wednesday. Okay. You do look like you've been on a fire. On fire, yeah. Right, okay. What did you get fired from?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's what type of party we're having here. And life is good. You guys have been on this show before. You know what's going on. Over 270 souls signed up for the opportunity to get picked out of this bucket. I'm going to have this guy with pubes for a beard. Wow, right off the fucking top. What a simple man you are, just the first thing. Ooh, that's a weird-looking name. This'll be fun.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What was the decision that she made exactly? I want to know the behind the scenes. Believe it or not, I'm a T-Mobile guy. I like T-Mobile. I stand by T-Mobile. They use everybody's satellites. You get free Wi-Fi on flights.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum. So what are you going to do? Do you have money saved up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. It's funny you have a nest egg because you have fucking chicken skin, dude.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. Oh, my God. We are back. Joel Berg and Jetski passing the ball back and forth. Shades of 2016, 17, 18, 19. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Oh, thank you, Brian. You're welcome. Tell us something crazy about your life. You are an odd bird indeed. True. I can't imagine.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Is there something that you do? Do you dip your face in a deep fryer or something? There's got to be some type of habit that happens. Scared of soap? We all drink quite a bit. We all have fun.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, we go wrangle that person, and you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds. You know your time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means I have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. While they go wrangle that person from across the street, we are going to start the show with one of our greatest regulars in the history of Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow, 5'6", 250. Red Band has entered the chat, everybody.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You saw me run over here earlier. Okay, so let's talk about the breakup. Where does it happen at? Are you at a restaurant? It was via text. Oh, T-Mobile.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Unbelievable. Put those jet skis in the air, ladies and gentlemen. She is on fire. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Jet ski Johnson on tour. Jesus Christ. Jet ski Johnson.com. Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
10 months of your life. Yeah. A woman that really liked you and you're willing to burn it all down to the ground. I could do better.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
When you say heavy bender, before I let you go, when you say heavy bender, paint the picture for us.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Is that okay? Ladies and gentlemen, you know, now that I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America, a lot has changed. And one of the things is, is we are scurrying around to get this man his American citizenship. Tonight's show will begin with the stylings of the one and only Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty!
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How many of those do you go through? Do you switch to liquor at some point?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, shit. And you were drinking while working at T-Mobile, obviously?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
A little shot. So how many drinks total? Let's say on an off day, like you are now. You're saying that you're on a bender. So how many drinks per day do you think we're going through now?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
This is incredible. We are... We are witnessing a slow suicide. This is amazing. Are you happy right now? Is this the most exciting thing that's happened to you? Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it. Thank you guys so much. Yes. You should have heard them before you came out. They were quiet all night, just absolutely silent. No, very fun. I'll tell you what, Brian.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Normally, a guy like you would leave here with a little joke book. But you know what I'm going to do? Not only am I going to give you a big joke book, because if you're going to write a suicide note, you've got to do it right. But I'm also going to give you a delicious can of nicked spearmint nicotine pouches. For me? It could help you get off the bender that you're on, perhaps.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Nicotine has a lot of amazing qualities. There he goes. Brian Smith, everybody. Thank you so much. Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That was great. You get that a lot on the show? A lot.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What do you think would happen if a couple offered him that opportunity? You think he would do it?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It was crazy. Andrew makes a great point. He turned to me. He said it. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There's not a black couple in the world that would invite Red Band to.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Lie detected. Dude, we're just such big fans. I really want you to fuck my wife. It's happened to you too.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yes. You were at a convenience store and you go, give me everything in the room.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Cam was raised on the streets of Orlando, Florida. Never seen a duke. And he never went anywhere. We've been, on these interviews during this show, we've seen him see snow for the first time.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you saw the red dot. What did, did you say anything to him? No, I was just like, this is crazy, dog. I heard about him a lot. What did he say to you? Was he like, stop looting? Please, this is my livelihood.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's crazy. We just saw a guy with a lot of red dots.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Tight shit. It's true. It's good. It's true. We went from fucking chicken pox to chicken rocks over this. All right, Cam, you're a superstar. You've done it again. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Not easy to write a new minute every single week at all. And he does it. Yep. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Matt Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, we're in there. Go ahead. We want to hear it. Matt Gonzalez, what were you thinking about the other day?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You're in the interview part now. You're in the interview part now.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What is the dildo? Okay. Matt, welcome. Have you been on this show before? You look familiar.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Good premise with the black pickleball players. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Appreciate it. Yeah, he did good. He talked about there's no black pickleball players and enjoy it now, white people, because when they start, just like with all other sports, they're going to take over.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's true. You should add that to the thing. That's the new best part of the whole joke.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yes, it's Joel Berg. He can say that because he is Latino, ladies and gentlemen. So, Matt Gonzalez, what have you been doing for fun? What does a guy like you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm just like a- I need to know who makes those screws.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
If you had a bad... What's your living situation? This is crazy that you... Nothing changed. I still live... We don't remember. We do this every week.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You live with your grandpa? Yeah. Does he sleep in a... He sleeps in a normal bed. It's Willy Wonka style. They sleep in the same hammock.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, but he sleeps in a normal bed. Yeah. And where is your hammock located?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You're a funny guy. Thank you, thank you. You are funny.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Great delivery. It is. You have a real natural knack at being funny. Thank you. Do you do a lot of spots? You working hard?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, my God. She is in full jet ski form tonight. We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen. The engines are fully operational on this jet ski. Holy shit. Wow. So you're with women that are so unbelievably easy. That they see a hammock and they're like, let's fucking go, Big Daddy.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas, like the Maverick Center, just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, April 18th. Reno, Nevada, the Grand Theater. The Honda Center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do stand-up in a legendary arena like that. In Anaheim, May 9th. Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
This is unbelievable. Let's switch spots. Let's switch spots. I'll play the fucking trumpet. She's on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Chesky, Jesse, Johnson, Rochester, Nashville.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Unbelievable. The hammock jokes are going on. Ballistic here on Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Incredible. From post to post, the hammock jokes are elevated. Incredible. You can only do so many positions on that, right? There is no doggy style that's out unless you just have her bent over the actual hammock, but you can't be on the hammock yourself. That would be an absolute disaster, a ticking time bomb, if you will. He does it sideways, if I remember right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He remembers. Anywhere where the word ham is, Red Band's watching through a window. I'm mad.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's a hammock, a bacon-ick, a cake-ick. Oh, my goodness.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What? Red Band. Stick with the soundboard. All right. Matt Gonzalez. Is there anything else crazy? Any other updates we should know about your life since the last time you were on?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He goes, you might recognize them from Between Two Ferns with... Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, no, I'm really just hanging out. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Catch them floating around all around town. So what's the longest set you've ever done?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
A small joke book? Yeah. And so you've been on twice before. Both times you've been given a small joke book. Yes, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. That's where... All the hard work gets you. Matt Gonzalez. Now, I'm going to tell you, when I pulled this out, I noticed its special quality right away. Because, take note, the drummer's name is Michael Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We sent him off to enjoy the show from the upper balconies for the first time ever. And since then, I've pulled... a Brian Smith, a Cam Patterson, obviously, was set to go up, and a Matt Gonzalez. And now, ladies and gentlemen, in an unbelievable turn of events, your next comedian goes by the name of Peter Gonzalez, everybody. This is your third Gonzalez on stage tonight. This is an anomaly.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, Peter Gonzalez, everybody. Let's just get right into it. Peter, yeah, Andrew, go ahead, get us started.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Thank you, Andrew. I appreciate it, bro. Never do that Alamo joke again, though. If it doesn't hit here, it's never going to hit anywhere. No one knows what the fucking Alamo is.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, exactly. You don't want anyone to do that. People want to know about you, not your fucking outlook on some old historical fucking site. We gotta learn about Peter, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, what do you do at an office depot? Do you stand outside looking for secretary work? Nah, bro. That deserved a bigger laugh for sure. Because Mexicans are usually at Home Depot. All right. Right, right, right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
They move up to Office Depot. Standing outside of an office. Taxes. Accounting.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There it is. Ari Matty has done it again. We did it. Indeed, porn is strangely illegal here. There's a lot of sites that work, but the big main ones don't. And it is very odd. I love that. It's a bummer, yeah. It is. The premise is unbelievable. Just to let you know, it's not exactly Edward Snowden that you have to be. All you have to do is sign up at expressvpn.com. Slash Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's great. Appreciate it. You're doing just fine. You're the third funniest Gonzalez that's been on this stage tonight. Goddamn. You're doing great. No, you're doing fine. I'm just kidding. Office Depot.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Sell me some paper right now. Give him the single spotlight. I want you to sell me some paper.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Like, are you looking for, like, a specific... Well, I want some nice stationery, actually. I like fancy paper with, like, borders or something like that.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Can you tell me where the... Don't say borders or papers to a Mexican guy, dude.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What do you do for fun? You go to San Antonio and hang out with the muchachas?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, but what do you do for fun? How does a guy like you let loose?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Come on, there must be something. You must have a hobby, something you like.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What happened a couple months ago? What happened with that girl?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't really... Tony, you can't spell deport without depot.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That is true. That is true. So she came into Office Depot. What was she looking for this one?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And then how did it go down? You guys were in the break-in.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, yeah, and eventually we just started. What kind of car is it? What kind of Honda Civic is it?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Toyota Camry. I don't have a car anymore. Absolute twin sister of the Honda Civic, for those of you paying attention. Is it white?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, Peter. What scares you? Are you afraid of anything?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Stage fright. Other than that, what else? Come on, there must be something.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you can get an extra four months free. And you just have to click one button. You just fire up the app. And it works on all devices. Phones, laptops, tablets, and more. But yeah, I get it. It is weird. And you have to go to some janky porn sites.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You have powerful instincts. Has that ever happened before where you thought something was going to happen and then it happened?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Schultz was right about you. There's something in there. Keep fucking doing it. Keep working hard. Don't ever do the... But make me a promise. You'll never do the fucking Alamo joke again, okay?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, well, appreciate it. There he goes. Peter Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Peter Gonzalez. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Tyler Langlois. Tyler Langlois. Here we go. Make some noise one more time, everybody. These people wait all day for this. Tyler Langlois.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There he is, Tyler Langlois. Hi, Tyler. Hello. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Awesome. Look at you. Lucky guy. Eight years. From Jersey. What do you do for work in Jersey? I work at a pizzeria. A pizzeria. That is so Jersey. It's as Jersey as it gets. It's like the last guy playing soccer on Sundays. How long have you been working at a pizzeria?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's a solid rating. That is really good. Did you happen to make that pizza that day?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow. And it said Dave's going to be coming in around three or something like that?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You guys can't see this, but your lack of ass is insane. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Let's see it. Turn around for us. Let's see that. Oh, my God, it's incredible. It is incredible.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
400 pounds, how did you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It is. Oh, D-Madness agreeing that all the webs are dark to D-Madness. What do you use? A laptop, an iPad, your phone? What are you on now?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Incredible. What else about you? What else about you, Tyler? Tell us more about your life. Your parents live in Jersey? Your whole family's there?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You live with your whole family? Yeah. How big is the family?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Basement energies, if I've ever seen them before, it is absolutely incredible. The home of the flat ass people. They all go to the basement. So we are, we do a special thing here. You got a 7.4 from Dave Portnoy, but here on Kill Tony, we do a special thing. We go on Yelp and we go to the lowest reviews possible. I'm gonna read a one-star review from Romeo's Italian Kitchen.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Ordered an Italian hot dog. You make Italian hot dogs? I don't make anything. But your place makes Italian hot dogs? Yeah. Right. What exactly is an Italian hot dog? I am Italian-American. If anyone should know what an Italian hot dog is, it should be me. Explain to me what that is. Is it just a hot dog with marinara sauce and cheese on it?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, let's go back to this. I ordered an Italian hot dog. I had to recook the hot dog in my air fryer. The smallest amount of potatoes I ever had. They come with a side of potatoes? Oh, there's potatoes on it. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Mozzarella sticks also not cooked well. They are so chewy. Unpleasant to eat. Will not go back there. From Nancy. Okay. 11 months ago.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We got new mozzarella sticks since then. Oh, okay. Perfect. Bruce, one year ago, says, I ordered two salads for delivery. When they arrived, they were crammed in a bag that was so small they were spilling out. The delivery guy tosses the salads and they shockingly don't get caught and spill all over the ground. He tells my girlfriend it's her fault. She should be more careful and leaves.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Why wasn't my order replaced at no charge? Why is your delivery guy a psycho who blames others when his only job is handing off food without dropping it all over the ground and then leaving? her to clean it up. Why do you use bags so inappropriate for these items? I'm sure others have called you out on it. You disgust me and open my eyes to the joys of DoorDash. Take care.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There's a lot of questions. Would you like to answer any of them?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. Over two years ago, my wife and I found it interesting that the counter guy, the one that thinks he's really cool, was wearing sweatpants with the word yikes boldly displayed on the front of his crotch. The front, what the fuck? This is crazy. nice attire for a family establishment. We ate our bland pizza and left, vowing to never return. Vowing? Who says vowing on a one star?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. You ever do both? You ever do both, laptop and phone, have a little threesome?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Boss G with 11 likes. updated over three years ago, says, greasy shit, you can tell it's... Greasy shit, you can tell it's literal sweaty pizza and is so terrible, I had a terrible experience with the survive took way too long.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What's the address? It is the one on... Elton Adolfo. Fuck. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, I like your style, Tyler. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, and by the way, those were just the one-star reviews. Overall, it sits at a... Four and a half stars, 39 reviews. Yeah, 99 reviews, 4.3 stars. Bravo. Yeah. Red Band doesn't know how to read, everybody. That's why it's Red Band, not Read Band, everyone. All right, there he goes. Great stuff. Tyler Langlois, everybody. All right, let's get one last bucket full out there. Is that cool?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You guys have a little energy? Your final bucket full of the night has the kind of name where he's probably eaten at a Romeo's pizzeria before. Make some noise for Vinnie Rauchy, everybody. Vinnie Rauchy. Oh, hell yeah. This guy must be the owner. All right, one more time for Vinnie Rauchy, everyone.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And it is all over. Oh my God, he's hurt! What he needs to do here is flip his leg to the other side. You're wonderful. You're beautiful. You're amazing. We got Joe on the line, live. A good friend here in Austin, Texas.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He is. Yes. Okay. All right. Vinny. What's up? Hi, buddy. How are you? I'm good. How are you? You remind me of something. I don't know what it is. It's not human. It's not human? It's not human. Wonderful. It's like something. Maybe it's like a pug. In the jungle. In the jungle.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Interesting. It was something to think about. Yeah. That's your catchphrase.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Something to think about. What do you think happened there at the end, that joke that you forgot?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you do maintenance. Will you ever get a crazy maintenance call? What's the worst thing you ever had to do? You ever have to plunge a toilet or something?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You're Italian, right? I'm Italian, yeah. So you're a very clean guy. I'm a neat freak. You have like black leather furniture I'm picturing, right?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Very good, Red Band. There you go. So Vinnie Rauchy. You have a girl? I do not. No. You're single.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You've been on this show before? I have. Wow. Who would think I would remember a fucking face like that? That was Jeffrey Ross. You'd think I'd remember a neck like that. What is that? I don't have a neck. What do you mean?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's incredible. You never could have played football because the helmet would have scraped up against your shoulder pads. It's unbelievable, Vinny. So, 28, you lost your virginity. How did that happen? How's that possible? Hooker in Amsterdam. Okay, yeah, but how did you not have sex before that? Did something happen to you when you were a kid, Vinny?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's right. And how about lately? When's the last time you had sex with a hooker at 28? How old are you now, Benny?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
yeah i used to watch uh porn and ufc at the same time but i just watched this is the point you need to get into guys on top of each other because i would just watch the ufc and ejaculate i wouldn't need the porn on at all yeah okay didn't get the laugh that i thought it would seemed more like a confession than a joke and uh let's just keep rolling with the show um All right. I guess I'm a gay .
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, I mean, in 96... I love that it's 10 or 12. No chance that it's 11. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow. Yeah. And then you get her back to your place? I went back to her place. Okay. Yep. And what was that like? Did you see the cat? I did. Did it look sick? No. It looked fine. No, it didn't. It looked fine to you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Red band. Getting verbal. Verbal red band, everybody. Okay. Vinnie Rouchie. Taking a girl to the black couchie. Yes, sir. Okay. Bro, your arms look long as fuck, dude. My arms? Oh, that is a thing.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, what are we going to do, affect your pussy game? Help a brother out. Stop making fun of him. If you want compliments, go to Amsterdam and pay for them. Yeah. 50 guilders. Vinny, thank you so much for coming back. Did you get a little joke book last time? I got a little one last time. Okay, well then there you go. You already got one. Thank you, guys. Vinny Rauchi, everybody. How fun.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, this is it. You know what time it is, everybody. There's only one way to end an episode like this, with the icon, ladies and gentlemen. Some people call him God's gift to the universe. God himself said that. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, the one and only William Montgomery.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. Nobody laughed. They're just like, okay, yeah, what's next? Tony, are you gonna ask Ari a question or something? Like, we know. We know, Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I've never in my life seen Red Band look up a joke in real time on his phone. He's like, what the fuck, Harriet the Spy? But that's the girl that died this week.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We had a 38-year-old up here earlier. If he's still alive, she's, well, no, she's dead. So, William, very fun. What was that last thing that you trickled out there on at the end? What was that about?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Announcing this week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun. I'm doing stand-up on July 11th. Edmonton, Canada.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Rollerblading video. Okay, now that I know that. He had a video of him rollerblading.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So what does that sound like? The audio book of him rollerblading?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'll go with you guys if you don't mind. You know how to rollerblade? I love rollerblading. Are you serious? Yeah, dude. You have rollerblades? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't know if he... I think he has rollerblading and donut eating confused. When's the last time you went rollerblading?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, it's true. I love it. So Ari, how has the road been? What else is going on in your world?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's how I tell Janice. Yeah. Killed bad knees over here. Okay. Um... William, what's been going on this week?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. No, it was really nice. I had a very nice time. Okay, I love it. And the shows went good? Everything's smooth?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
They are a loud people. They are aggressive. Loud, yeah. I was in Atlantic City, an hour away from Philly, and they're doing the fucking, they're spelling out eagles better than their own mayor does. Right there.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, you're addicted to rowing. You have been addicted to many things. Would you like to list off some of the things that you've been addicted to to this audience? Fuck. I mean, obviously, puzzles.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's a family reunion here. A lot of fun energies here. Would you like to list off some more things that you were addicted to before we let you out of here?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, we would love that. Oh, we would love that. We would sponsor that here at Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, you know, I think the real way to do it is with no boats around you. I think the real way to do it. Or just me go out there into the Atlantic? Fearless, yeah. Yeah. What? What did you say? No. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But the rowing, it's every day and there's no end in sight, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
William Montgomery has done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. For the love of God, you have no excuse. You absolutely must. Every single goddamn one of you, this is an order. You go to Netflix and watch Life right now and you enjoy the fuck out of it. Andrew Schultz, the great and powerful. How loud can this place get for Andrew Schultz? Another homework assignment.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
April 16th, you go to YouTube. Don't tell comedy. And you fucking... support the great Derek Poston, everybody. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. How about one more time? Vroom, vroom, Jetski Johnson. She's on tour, jetskijohnson.com. Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle, all these amazing places and much, much more. No doubt about it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How about one more time for the great return of Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Lesser Known Characters and Dogs of Browntown are two of his podcasts. He has a huge show. Him and Jetski have a huge show at the Comedy Store March 19th called Offbeat. And they play music and they fucking are hilarious, obviously. Thank you to Nicked and YKD. Those are nicotine pouches.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. Actually, check this out. This is a view, guys. Ryan draws while he's in Los Angeles. Let's check in with the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. What has he got? Ari Matty. Ari Matty on overdosing on testosterone. Absolutely incredible. It's the incredible Ari. It's Ari Leno, everybody.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Grooveline Horns. How about one more time? Michael Gonzalez watching from somewhere.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He's going to play us out. Thank you, everybody. God bless Kill Tony Red Band. Check out SunsetStripATX.com. Love you guys. London has been announced. The O2 Arena. Whatever you do. Maybe there shouldn't even be tickets available. I can't believe. And by the way, we're going nowhere else. People have been asking, are you going to Ireland? Are you going to Germany when you're in Europe? Fuck no.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
One night, the O2 Arena. If you live in Europe, you go to the fucking O2 Arena and see us. We're not coming to Germany. We're not going to Paris. You fly to London. This is your chance. All right. Everybody have a good time tonight? Schultzy, anything else? Thank you, bro. This was amazing. We love you so much. Love you. We love you. God bless America. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Meanwhile, there's some guy down the block watching you lurking at the place like, oh, that's definitely a gay sauna.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That is funny. Just a lot of guys with newspapers around them. It's like the meme with the guy peeking from behind the trees.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Why do you think Ukraine is the porn place? It is. But why? I'm not disagreeing with you at all.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Ari Matty, thank you for joining us on the back end. Thank you so much. The drawing from Ryan Sheebelt is in at James McCann, and it's lovely. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa, Heidi with a gun.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay, and yeah, I got a lot of tickets up for sale. I'm on tour going to Anaheim and Salt Lake City and Detroit and a bunch of other crazy places coming up, doing stand-up, bringing my friends with me. We're going to have a lot of fun out there. And thank you to this audience who is legendary. You guys were at the most bucket pools ever in an episode, I do believe. Pretty positive of that.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And congratulations to us all. I love you. God bless America. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, thank you. That's my time. Wow, Kojak. Kareem's, everyone. Welcome. Black, gay, and bad at comedy, I have written down here. That's incredible. You got everything against you. Kojak, you were very excited to promote the birds, the Philadelphia Eagles. Are you from Philly? Go birds, that's right.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So what's it like being from Philly and basically being Meek Mill without the rap skills? It just means you're black and gay again. I'm just reminding everybody that you're black and gay. You brought it up. Here we go. Do you get any good antiquing lately? No, I might fly back to Philly for the parade, though. You're going to go back for the parade? Yeah, maybe post up in the Target.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'd imagine you fly around. Oh, you go ahead. Go ahead. You must have something up your sleeve. One big punchline coming up. What is it? Go ahead. Do you fly a lot to different parades? Yes. See, it's fun when the comedy's, anyway. What do you do for work, Kojak? I'm a waiter. Oh yeah, what are you, where are you waiting at? A fancy steakhouse here in the city. Okay, very good, absolutely.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? Thanks so much for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed, one more time for the best damn band in the land. That's the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Brought to you by Vaya and Blue Chew. That is indeed Grooveline Horns, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We have a lot of gay guys that get pulled out of this bucket, but very rarely do we have gay guys that are in a relationship. Most of you guys just stay single and butt fuck everything that moves. It's so interesting. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Five years. Five years. What do you think the secret is to your wild success of having a long-term gay relationship?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, wow, yeah, you guys put the gay in games. Wow, so you guys just play video games and fuck.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's Red Band. Red Band is figuring out his new lifestyle. Get a discount at the steak place also? I mean... This is the life.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Lesbians are straight into a relationship. Gay guys, very, very rarely. Where would you meet them at?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But where in Philly? Like, what were you guys doing?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow, you're willing to spend half of your total net worth in order to have your ass filled with a dick. That is just unbelievable. I got to tell you. As much as we joke about me being gay, I simply cannot relate to that type of mentality. Half of your entire money, just to fucking, it seems painful.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Look at that. Those are the numbers. What do you think? Our senior Scottish correspondent, James McCann, is here.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's mostly black. He's like Travis Scottish. Alright, well... Kojak, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, no, we know why you got kicked out of Bible college. How exactly did they catch you? You drag your teeth? All right. There's Red Band, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Unbelievable. Get him out of here. There he goes, everybody. Kojak Creams, everyone. Yeah. Here you go, buddy. Let's see if you catch like a... There it is. He's a black guy. Good evening. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know, therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most insurance providers. Most insured members have a $0 copay.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Red band. That's right, Tony. I love Talkspace. I think they're providing some of the best mental health treatment out there. There's no doubt about it. Talkspace therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and many employers. Most insured members have a $0 copay.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider who will fit your needs well, typically within 48 hours. You can always switch. providers at no extra cost. Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can make your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That is Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. They came here all the way from the Gulf of America to be here, that fucking side of the stage. How exciting. Officially changed on Google just an hour ago, everyone. I'm here to proudly announce that that bay is now the Gulf of America. That's Bant Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and Dee Madness on the bass guitar.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You can even talk it out between sessions by sending text, video, or audio messages to your therapist. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80 to match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony, promo code Space80. Hi, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like all birds are skins, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand, and brilliant marketing. But an often overlooked secret is actually the business behind the business, making selling simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. Red band.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, that's true. That's right. Red band. And? not so secret secret shop pay which boosts conversions up to 50 meaning way less carts are going abandoned and more sales are going so if you're into growing your business your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between because businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jenna Sparrow, everybody, or Jenna Sparrow, perhaps. Here's Jenna, everyone. Make some noise for Jenna, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I cannot wait to listen to this podcast. I'm going to get one of the deepest sleeps that I've had in such a long time. I'm so excited to hear you guys talk about art on walls.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, okay. Well, it's a shame your set wasn't. If it's as funny as your 60 seconds, oh, boy. Rem sleep is amongst us. Jenna, how long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
How about one more time for the real Marcus King that was just up here, huh? One of the best musicians in the world here in the live music capital of the world, the live comedy capital of the world. And we will be right back. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? All right.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
God, anybody can do anything nowadays. It is absolutely incredible. I love it. What do you do for fun, Jenna?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This is fun. What did you do to where you needed to get sobriety? How did you know that you had hit bottom?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Mine was a Lynchburg lemonade made by Jack Daniels. It was pre-bottled alcohol. And my older brothers let me have one when we were frisbee golfing in Columbus, Ohio. I think I was 13 or 14, maybe 12. And yeah, I liked the way that it made me feel.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, I don't know. Girly drinks are how the party starts. Red Band, what was yours? A bowl of mashed potatoes? Old Milwaukee. Old Milwaukee. Wow. In Chile.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
But I think it's good. You know? How about towards the end? Did you get into anything crazy? Did you do drugs or anything?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
D Madness loves a good DUI. They pull him over every time he tries to drive. 100%, sir, you're swerving all over.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Disgusting. It's just a bad person. Jenna, tell us more about your life. What else would we find interesting about you?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Right, yeah, great. What a great animal to have, something you can take outside and scare everybody to death with.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Has your cat been crawling up on Martin Phillips' porch at all? Do we know about this? Do you have a tracker on it? Your cat might be sleeping at a tremendously weak-gripped man's porch. Anyway.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, Jenna, congratulations. You made your Kill Tony debut. Thank you. I'm gonna throw you a little joke book. Oh. It was so close. I don't know where it went. So close.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I mean... I mean, it's a small target, but yes. There she goes. Jenna Sparrow, everybody. Making her Kill Tony debut. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Poe. Mike Poe. Here he is, Mike Poe, everybody. Make some noise for Mike, everyone.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy shit. Oh, my God. You made Jenna Sparrow look like a fucking Richard Pryor up here. Good Lord almighty. Just talked about nothing, but you looked hip. You're like an old guy that seems hip. Thanks, man. No comedy. You're basically Marc Maron. It's incredible.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You just kind of dress like you're younger, you look kind of cool, and then the words coming out of your mouth are just boring and nothing and complainy and I do this, I do this for a hobby.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Sometimes there's three, sometimes there's two. A night like this, it's a one-guest show. And the reason why is because this guy is truly one of the frontrunners already for 2025 Guest of the Year. He is one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. He's brand new. debut one-hour special is out right now. It's called Hey America, and you can find it on Matt and Shane's secret podcast YouTube.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the funniest human beings in the world, James McCann, everyone. Here he is. Fresh off of being the guest in an arena on New Year's Eve here at the H-E-B Center.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Why would we address that? Because it was during a commercial break, James. You could have said anything just now and it would have been better than, can we ignore it?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner on the show. She's only been on it a couple times here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Aya, everybody. Aya is here.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, aka Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are at TonyHinchcliffe.com right now.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Absolutely unbelievable. Aya has done it again. One of the funniest jokes of the night so far. Making fun of your own dear sister.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, and there was a whole vaginal hole on the other end. Yes, there was. It was just kind of sealed off.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We all love antiquing. When you're a millionaire, you're going to be into antiquing too, James. It's fun to buy old baller-ass shit in the middle of Texas.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yep. Yep, there wasn't a vagina locked up there, and it was a human being.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, absolutely. Aya, naturally funny, ridiculously likable. How's life going, Aya? Tell us about it.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow, that is just an absolute Muslim party if I've ever heard it before.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okra pizza. And then how else do you celebrate a birthday? You Muslims, do you have, like, instead of candles, do you have, like, little World Trade Centers you put on the cake and you light on fire or something like that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Like who? Name a race that comes from a different bloodline. Okay. Um...
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Like, you're just, like, one of the people... So, wait, I'm just a fucking peasant over here?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow. That is unbelievable. I just learned so much about... That's crazy.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Antique Roadshow with Tony Hinge. Antique Roadshow. That's it. He owns like eight thrones. All right, James. It's three. It's three thrones. Hey, America, out now on YouTube.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That makes sense. All right, Aya, an unbelievable new minute. We fucking loved it. Aya, one of the young rising legends of the show. And now back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, because your next bucket pool goes by the name of Gary Gia, everyone, or Gary Gia, perhaps.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow. Holy shit. We have some real fucking unbelievable bucket pools here tonight. Gary, how's it going, Gary?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah. So that he can buy a fucking throne. You futon in a coffee table having son of a bitch. This guy watches TV on a fucking MacBook.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So you did it seven or eight years ago. And how long did you do it before that big bombing?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And then you bombed so hard that you took a few years off. What happened during that bombing? How bad could it have been compared to what the fuck we just saw?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, Gary. Relax, Gary. D Madness is pissed right now. He is homophobic as hell. So, Gary, let's talk about it. What do you do for a living?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, Gary. So you're a restaurateur. So do you own a restaurant?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. But when you have done good, what's the best you've ever done at poker?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Right. Overall, in your Texas Hold'em or poker playing life, how far up or down do you think you are?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
James is one of the greatest guests in the show's history. He is present. He is fucking hilarious. And he knows how it works. 200 people, literally 200 exactly people signed up for tonight's bucket. There are 200 motherfucking pieces of paper in here. I'm going to let the shocked Asian girl in the front row pick first. That one right there.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Up, yeah, absolutely. That includes the buy-ins for these tournaments and everything. Yeah, no, 100%.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Jesus Christ, Gary, you make me look like fucking, I don't know, someone tough. Somebody real tough and manly. Yeah, you make me look like Freddie Mercury, all right. Okay, Gary, tell us something interesting about your life. You have your entire life to reference here. Something that's happened to you? Something that maybe formed? Tell us how you ended up the way you are.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Why don't you tell one, Gary, instead of telling us that you have stories? That's like you telling us that you have jokes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Gary Gia. We got to keep it moving. Some of these people have fucking nothing to them whatsoever. You got to love it. Gary, sign up again. Best of luck next time. Jesus Christ. An alien story. Why don't you tell us about a dream you once had? Boy, you never know what you're going to get down here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It's Matt Rivas. Matt Rivas.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Matt Rivas talking about his Mexican-Jewish... Was it a cousin or a friend, would you say? Just a cousin. Cousin. Is it real? Nah, man, it's just a bit. Right. How long you been on stand-up? About three years. Three years. Where you from? Here from Austin. Born and raised?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You haven't even started yet. Absolutely incredible. Did they know that you're going to start working there?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And I take the piece of paper, I pass it along, and they go and wrangle the person. Red Band smells the paper because he loves Asian women so much. He really does. He already has one, but just like typical stuff, he's hungry for more Asians 20, 30 minutes later. That's what it's like.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Like a week, man. I got fired on my day off like two weeks ago. You got fired on your day off a couple weeks ago. What was that job?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Right. No, the Waffle House, you'd be the fucking CEO. It was just a random Austin waffle shop.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, we happen to read a Yelp review from Billy Baxter's Cafe. The food is consistently good. The breakfasts are terrific. But oh my goodness, the coffee is bad. Two stars. It's weak, gray, soapy, and unpalatable. A double shot results in brown coffee, but bitter to the point of being undrinkable. Does the machine need a good clean-out? Does the staff need lessons in temperature control?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And so while they wrangle that comedian, just to let you know they get 60 seconds, you know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger of a Sollywood bear. And then that interrupts them. I interview them and we talk to them about their life, what could possibly happen to them.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
A weird, chubby, redheaded man in a beard greeted us, which is strange because it seemed to be owned by Asian women who angrily stared at him from the front windows.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You have to admire how long it takes Red Band to type words properly. I said, Billy Baxter Cafe Yelp. I look over, he goes, there is nothing. And I look and he typed in Billy Bass. Literally just B-A-S-S. So we had a whole thing here. It's really tough. And then he spelled Baxter O-R at the end. There's a lot that goes on. It is a thankless job hosting this constantly sinking ship.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Barely. Barely. You see the eyes. So you love all kinds of rice. Is that correct? Dude.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
24? That makes sense. About to turn 25 in a few months. Yep, that's how age works. I know. You'll never believe what happens after that. Another birthday about a year later. Fuck! Yep, just a few months. All right, well, nothing else crazy about you, Matt? I'm getting a feeling that I'm close to finding something out, but I'm not asking. You ever been arrested? Me? No, I haven't. Me?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You don't get that very often here. Wait, who, me? Suspicious answer. Yeah, you're the one being interviewed.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We are here with one of the greatest guests in the show's history, the great and powerful James McCann, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, Matt. There's nothing else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What do you like to do after you get super duper high? What are some things that you do?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah. I don't know. A Spam sandwich is a delicacy in Australia. Yeah. All right, Matt, here's a little joke book. Not a lot of catches tonight. He did it, hi. Hi and bye, Matt Rivas. All right, it's an interesting, I've given out no big joke books tonight. A fun fact, zero big joke books. Only the golden ticket winners have pulled their weight tonight.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Star power tonight. Good news is we have a star of the show to start tonight's show and show you motherfuckers how it's done. Truly, undeniably, a lot of people say, including myself, that this is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. An almost 100%, 1000% kill ratio.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Shiva Ari, Shiva Ari.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, I'm gonna stop you right there, Shiva. Shiva, welcome. You've been on this show before? Yeah, twice, twice. Yes, sir. Absolutely. Welcome. That was something. How long have you been on stand-up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
How do you survive? How do you pay your rent? How do you get food? What is rent? Okay, so tell us about that.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So how much are you generating from your stand-up comedy? How much money do you make in a ballpark a week?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah. Okay, so hold on. How much rent are you paying a month for the last two months? $800 a month. I don't know if anybody's ahead of me on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're nailing it. Right. So how do you make money to pay your rent?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy fuck. How much did you save exactly? People are going to find this unbelievably fascinating. There's a lot of people out there wondering, hey, should I start? How much should I save? I live at my parents' house.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Here to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
D-Madness cracking up. Steve Madness literally verbally laughing out loud.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. Yes, it's somehow it's all right. I don't have rent anymore, Shiva. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, you own. I understand that. Okay. But I do have payments that I have to make. D Madness is literally losing his mind.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Stick with me. Sorry. So, how do you survive? Tell the truth. No, that's honestly it. What do you eat? I mooch off of- What did you eat today?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That's not, but what do you mean? Because what did you do last night? I did a show. Yeah. Okay, very good. I did a show in Dallas. All right, yes. But then what would happen to where you wouldn't wake up until 3 p.m. after the show would be the question.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Before I asked you what you did last night, you said you woke up at 3 p.m. I said, why did you wake up at 3 p.m.? So what happened last night? Other than your stand-up set, unless you listened to it afterwards.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Shiva Ari, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Shiva Ari. This is... We have... We are in a dry spell right now. We might have to go fucking turbo mode here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next minute tonight, remind you, I have the thickest stack of big joke books I think I've had in the mothership era. Not a single one has been given out. And I have one little joke book left.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This is unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen. Which is crazy, because last week it was all... except for the first one, all unbelievable. Four Secret Show editions last week, an all-star lineup. The momentum runneth, dryeth. Let's see if it starts here with the stylings of Anthony Rouen, everybody. Anthony Rouen. Let's see what happens here. Here's Anthony, everyone.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That's it. All right. Anthony Ruan, have you been on this show before? I have not, Tony. Okay, well, welcome, welcome. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Thank you, guys. There you go. Absolutely. What do you do for a living? I'm a cake decorator. Okay. There you go. Absolutely. That's amazing. How long have you been decorating cakes for?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Amazing. And you decided to both start stand-up comedy and decorating cakes at the same time. What were you doing before that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Tell us all about the cake decorating. I am so interested. It's a Walmart cake. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
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KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
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KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Exactly one minute, like the pro that he is. This is Martin Phillips. How's it going, Martin?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, you can't scare me. I have grandchildren. Where do you get something like that? A lot of hip dudes on Tonight Show. Where do you get a shirt like that? I thrifted it on Depop.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, I know all about it. I go all the way to Round Top just to antique sometimes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, I know all about it. And they're extra angry for me. When I walk in there, I go, you're all lucky to even be here. Get out of my bin.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He got more laughs than I thought it would, too. It's because the audience has only heard comedy for a total of two minutes tonight. It was Aya and Martin Phillips. Here's a little joke book. There you go. I've been given more little joke books, by the way. I've been handed little joke books.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The great bonsai is somewhere skinning a cow right now live for us to be able to have more little joke books. I have decided to pre-pull names, ladies and gentlemen. We are going into turbo bucket-pull mode. When you hear those noises...
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That means that since there have been no big joke books given out tonight, that I will be pooling and we will be watching people do minute sets until somebody truly kills Tony tonight. This is the ninth bucket pool of the night. It could end right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Wes Bullens, everybody. Wes Bullens.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Thanks guys, it's my time. And you know what that sound means. Little joke book for Wes. No interview, he's gone. Wes Bullens, we are in turbo mode. When you hear that slot arpeggio. Arpeggio? Arpeggio? Arpeggio? That sweet slot chime. We're going until someone kills. Who's with me? Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, one minute for Matthew Jordan.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy fucking shit. There's the little joke book. Thanks so much for Matthew Jordan, ladies and gentlemen. Your 10th bucket pool of the night. This is unbelievable. We are quickly approaching the record, which I do believe is 16th. The 16th bucket pool that night, a fun fact, because I remember, because I'm a big fan of this show, was Aaron Belial, who would go on to win a golden ticket.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He would go on to America's Got Talent. Andy's a ticket-selling star today, so anything can happen. This is Bucket Pool number 11. We have one little joke book left again. Make some noise for Ian Sharp. Number 11, everybody. Ian Sharp.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, we'll call it. You guys are insane. You've forgotten what... We're going through a turbo round. No interview. Ladies and gentlemen, before... I just pulled another one. So before he comes up, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to bring someone up who specializes in following people bombing. I've waited. I didn't want to have to wake him up.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I didn't want to have to bring him out of his fucking cage. But ladies and gentlemen, here he is while we wrangle a bucket pool because it's up to a bucket pool to get us out of this mess. We will go all night. We will do all 200. This is Drew Nickens.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen. We're flying through it tonight, Drew. There he goes. Drew Nickens, everybody. We are still in turbo mode. I don't know if you guys hear those sweet slot chimes. You guys hear that? Come on, let's get some energy up in this room.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We want you to be a true judgmental crowd. We know what the fuck is going on here. Stay judgmental. Someone's gotta fucking earn it. Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented episode, this is indeed your 12th bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for a minute for Matt Rivera. Matt Rivera.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Now, your opening joke was about your strength, is that correct? The strength of your hand? I'll pick my hand there.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, Matt Rivera. The biggest laugh you got there, you shook your head like that. You go, why'd you do that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, you know how you were at that bar across the street and all those people came over here? You saw people leave with a person with a headset? I did see all that. I guess it's not going great. I don't know. It's not going great. and it's still not going great. It is still, as you hear that sweet, sweet sound, it's still not going great.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I have no more little joke books to give out, but I will give you a bottle. This is a bottle of souvenir comedy mothership water. Now it might not seem like much. Now I'm going to wait on the cigarette butts. This doesn't look like the kind of guy we want to give our DNA to. Now, this might seem like nothing, but this is actually a $13 bottle of water.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Have you ever had a $13 bottle of 20.600 milliliters before? No, no, it's impossible to have that small of an amount of water worth $13. Only here, a true souvenir, courtesy of the Comedy Mothership. A $13 bottle of water. Right when you think Joe Rogan can't get any richer. Leave it to a $13 bottle of water, ladies and gentlemen. There's also... It's reusable.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, the crazy thing is that in the green room of the mothership for the past couple weeks, we don't know exactly how it got there, but there is a brand new grip strength. You would think it was Joe, but no, I was there when Joe saw it. He's like, what the fuck is that? Oh, shit. And then, yeah, he did play with it like it was his own toy. He was very excited, as excited as anyone to ever.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
John Deese has reminded me, as I'm sure that Carrie would, who... runs the joint, it is reusable. That is one of the things that they tell me when I make fun of them for having this bottle of water. They go, it's reusable. I go, who the fuck is gonna fill up? Who's drinking this rusty, second, sloppy? All right. Excellent water. Yes, it is delicious.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It is unbelievable. Do you drink water sometimes? I try to, yeah. There you go. There he goes, everybody. Matt Rivera. We are on number 13. It seems like it will never end, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Sean Stewart, number 13.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Sean Stewart, everybody. You hear that sound. We're in a turbo round, Sean, so put the mic back in the mic stand. You don't have to do an interview. You get to go right back to bed where you came from, back in your sweatpants. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been on this show multiple times. I do believe he's the door guy here. This could be the answer we've been looking for.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
In bucket poll number 14, it would be crazy if this guy doesn't do good. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Adam Luckey.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's like, yes! to see a grip strength tester machine. And I don't know, what do you think? Should we give it a little test? See what kind of fucking... You can't... You can't handle this or this or it's gonna break the shit. I love it. Retard strength on display. Here, with cerebral palsy, ladies and gentlemen, using his good hand.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Now you did good. You did good. And normally that would be good enough for a big joke book. Thanks, Tony. But I realize that it's kind of defeating the purpose, having someone that already has a big joke book up. Because we are, without a doubt, inside of... A turbo round. It's all good, brother. Anything crazy happen since the last time you were on the show? Stayed off cocaine.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, congratulations. Normally, a lot of people that open up with, give me a shebang and I'll give an A-O, are still on cocaine.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, this is what every addict does now. I don't know if you guys have any of these Kratom buddies. It's fun. Yeah, so you started with just a little bit, right?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay, and so now you're deeper, right? The addiction only grows a little bit more. How do you do it, a scoop?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Have you thought about quitting before this? Have you tried at all to quit?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
There's no way you're quitting Kratom tomorrow. I mean, I'll do my best. I can just feel it in the air. Thank you. You've tried to quit before. How long have you been on this Kratom addiction?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I know. I know. It's a crazy one. Hey, James. All right. Here we go. There he goes. Thank you. Adam Lucky, ladies and gentlemen, has multiple appearances on this show. We're going until we give away a big joke book. A true fucking bucket pool. Here we go. It could be right now. There's the lovely Heidi. Total opposite from James McCann.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Make some noise for this is indeed our 15th Bucket Pull of the Night. We are one away from the record. Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody. Luke Newcomb.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, you know what that means. Do you want a cigarette butt? Do you want one of Red Band's cigarette butts? Yeah. There you go. Man. All right, there he goes. Luke Newcomb, everybody. We're in the turbo round, Luke. I don't know if you hear that noise. Keep the volume up. Jesus Christ.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Sorry, June 2013, what is that? 12 years? I don't know. We've been doing this show a long time. This will be... This will tie the all-time amount of bucketfuls. This should be your final bucketful of the night. Make some noise for Bruce DeTore, ladies and gentlemen. A minute for Bruce.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It's a tough predicament. It is a tough predicament. Bucket pool number 16 coming out with that head. I mean, you are so funny looking. It's almost not fair the amount of laughter that you get looking the way that you do. You are a funny looking guy and you're aware of it. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I love it. I love it. So you're a real guy, huh, Bruce?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I love it. My goodness, and I see the extra skin. It's there on your neck. It's there, too. What's the most you ever weighed? About 250. About 250. How'd you lose the weight? What is your secret?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. Is that what all they give you? Is that what you're allotted? Pretty much, yeah. Okay. So your trust fund, you get like a monthly thing. They didn't want to give it to you all at once.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, try the other one. Give me another drum roll. Big mic on the drums. Whoa, whoa.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And the trust fund was from your parents? Yeah, pretty much. Okay, and your father passed away?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Tell us more about your life, Bruce. You seem like a guy that's been divorced a lot.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Such an interesting predicament. Yeah. What are your secrets to making a woman cum? Teach me, Bruce.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? All right. This is officially a record-setting episode. Bruce DeTore goes on to the next one. You know what we're gonna do while we go wrangle that person?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'm gonna bring to the stage, just to show you that it is possible to kill, I'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, who would normally close the show, just to show you that comedy can be done. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars ever, here with a brand new minute.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I don't know how you clear it. Here, hit the start button. Okay, this is retard string. Hit the start button. What are you doing? Calculus over there? Hit the start button. This fucking guy's using it like it's a goddamn calculator. Okay, we can start over. Just like a Jewish guy on tax day over here. What do we got?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This young man, I promise you, will one day be a citizen of the United States of America. One of the shining stars of the Kill Tony universe.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Three minutes of brand new material. After doing tens and tens of minutes before on this show's history. Take note. 16 bucket pools we've been through. Nobody had one minute like any minute of your three minutes. And you've done this
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, yeah, no, I know that. I'm just saying, this is a wild episode. Have you been keeping track? I'm sure you've been back there waiting for a while.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Dude! Ari, why don't you put the mic in the mic stand? Why don't you sit in next to James and join us? Let's get through the rest of it together. Let's just see what happens here. You want a drink? What do you want to drink, Ari? Order a drink. We might be here a while. What do you want to drink, Ari? What do you want to drink? Whiskey and soda water. Can I get the whiskey and soda water?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Dude, dude. We're having fun here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially a record. Your 17th bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Zach Myers, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And that means your minute is up. The cat is gone and the slot chime is in because we are in turbo mode. There was one point in the middle of your set where you said, thank you. Did you remember that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
They were laughing because of the way that Ari Maddy was laughing. At the overall thing. There was a part where James laughed because you did a cancer... What do they call that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
There's good news. The show is never going to end. Give it up for Zack Myers as it continues. He looks like a vampire, no? We are in deep, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Zack Myers back to... He's gonna live a thousand years. Back to the movie Twilight he goes. Did we get that... Did that bucket pull come back yet? You need another name? Oh, boy. Red Band wants to get out of here so badly.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The noises that he's making. Thank God he's not in control of the show. Am I right? Just hand it off. There you go. We're having fun here. Let's kill some time. Hold on a second here. Hold on a second. Ari, Matty, have you been on the road lately? What have you been doing? Yeah, I went to Denver this weekend. Oh, yeah, Comedy Works, downtown. Wonderful club.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. What do we got, Martin? You only have to squeeze it once. It's 50, 44. Wow. Unbelievable. Grip strength. James, are you going to show us what you got over here?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Literally, I say the best built comedy club in the world. Did you feel that way?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Fight. People are leaving, huh? Because they think the show's over or something?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Someone should make an announcement there at the bar that the show is continuing until somebody does good. Here, I'll give you two, because let's face it, we're probably going to go through them. And if the first one does better before the second one, then we'll put the second one up next week or something. We're going to stay here all fucking night. Yes!
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
For those of you getting thirsty out there, let me remind you that this is a reusable bottle of water. It is $13. Shocking. Shocking. But it's reusable. So, you know, something to keep in mind. Plus, it has a mothership logo on it. I mean, look at that. What's not to love about a hook? Hey, lady, you want to do the Secret Show Thursday? Wow, a woman from the audience. You do? Did you sign up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Do you do comedy? Oh, it's a shame. I'll bet you're funnier than everybody without being prepared. Do you think you have a minute? Do you think you have... Oh, who here has a minute, huh? Do you think you have 20 seconds? Should we get somebody who looks funny? Did you sign up, sir? You did? What's your name? All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Brandon Farris.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This guy literally just said, I can do it. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? We will be here all night until somebody who hasn't been on this show before does good. This is the Kill Tony debut of Brandon Farris.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Get out of here. Get out of here, Brandon. Put the mic back in the mic. Okay, Brandon. You said it's on. Put the mic back where you found it. Jesus fucking Christ. Get out of here. Now get back to your fucking seat.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Jesus fucking Christ. This is unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. I do believe this is fucking number 20 or something. I don't know what's going on here. Make some noise. Oh, we know this guy. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Dubs General, ladies and gentlemen. Bucket pool number 20, Dubs General. I can already tell you. We have another one coming.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It's tough. Look at that, 111. It's from antiquing, you f***er. I did it. I did it. Dang.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We are in it. Make some noise for Eric Bell, everybody. This could be the one. Eric Bell.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What do you mean you're black, Martin? I'm just saying, I have the similar grip to a black person. And you both do crip walk sometimes. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this, the halftime show? Look at this fucking guy. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
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KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
As you can tell by the sound of his voice, he's also now in charge of the health of the United States of America.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
, , , , , ,, in P P P P P P P P P G ac la ac la ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ac car ac little P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P������ e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's very excited to drink and complain about his night tonight. That's all he has to do, right? It's my fault, guys. I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Is there anybody else inside that signed up? What are they pointing at? You did? You did? What's your name? Jeff Scott? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeff Scott. This could be the one, everybody. Do you believe in miracles? All right.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Martin, you got tonight's show started. You are a fucking legend. Everybody loves you. He's absolutely killing it. Thank you, guys. The one and only Martin Phillips. And now it begins. To the bucket we go. We're going to meet someone all together at once. And that's the show. You know, we find, we found Martin out of the bucket. We found William out of the bucket. Oh, my goodness.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'd like to give a special shout out to a special guest that's here tonight who told me 18 years ago when I said that I wanted to start standup that I'm gonna go to a local open mic in Burbank and start. And he told me, start at the Comedy Store. He's visiting tonight. First time I've seen him in Austin. First time I've seen him in years.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We're in a turbo round right now, Marvin. We're going to keep it moving. There you go. Yum! He's got a catchphrase, everybody. It is yum. A little fun fact, Jeff Scott was pulled out of the bucket just now. So Destiny is right on cue. Ladies and gentlemen, we have... Are you guys still alive? Hell yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Cesar Leone, everybody. Cesar Leone.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Such beauty that James just missed his mouth with his beard. It had nothing to do with Heidi coming out. Yes, it did. You just poured a beer on your own chest, you cremazoid.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Cesar Leone, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes, Cesar Leone. There he goes. We're on a turbo round. No interview for you, Cesar. This is fucking crazy. This is an absolute mathematical fucking anomaly. We don't go through this many bad bucket pools in a month. Not to mention an episode. This is absolutely crazy. Ari, what's the report coming in?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, it's unbelievable. Is there perhaps a band member that has a minute? Any of the horn players got anything? You got something? No, these fucking guys. Deep Madness is wasted right now. There's no way. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Back to the bucket. This is the show you wanted to go to. Trust me, I wanted to be done an hour ago. Make some noise for Matt Puchitsky. Matt Puchitsky.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy shit. A standing ovation. for what some people would call, on a scale from 1 to 10, about a 7.2. But here, goddammit, we needed it. You'll never understand what happened before you on a night like this. Mario... I'm just happy to be here, guys.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What's the name? You're spilling beer because his grip is so weak. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket full of the night. A brand new minute. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Kojak Kareemz, everybody. Kojak Kareemz. Here comes Kojak.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's taking the ball and running with it. Best set, best interview. Thank you. What type of porn do you edit? Giantess porn.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Mario. What else? What else is crazy about your life that we should know about before I let you go?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. Okay. Here you go, buddy. Congratulations, you got us out of here.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We're done. Mario Zabata ended it. Kind of just okay, but good enough. The drawing from Ryan G. Belt is in. How about a hand for James McCann? Did the band leave? This is incredible. James McCann. Guys, play some fucking music. What the hell's going on? Jesus fucking Christ. Check out his new special, Hey America. It's on YouTube at Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. Absolutely incredible. What do you got? Tequila. I love it. Brought to you by Pepto Bismol. This is Kill Tony. Your first bucket poll of the night, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of Remy Swice, everyone. Remy Swice.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I tell these guys before this show, always, I tell the guests the same thing. Whatever you do, don't be funny during someone else's minute or else the people at home are going to think that this comedian's doing good and fucking Tyler Fisher just can't help himself. He has to bust out the Pepto and fucking... Okay, Remy, you're a psycho. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me back.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Thanks for having me again. You've been on before? Yeah, last year. Appreciate you having me, yep. Okay, all right, Jesus. What are you, on Adderall or something? No, not yet. Cam, what do you think about this?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, we got it. Okay. Are they still there, your parents? Yeah, they are. Okay, what do they do in the Middle East? Oh, no, in Oklahoma. Oh.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Why would they drive when they could have just taken one of the carpets? They've got this all backwards. Your people are known for this.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How long have you been doing stand-up? Hardcore for about three years. When you say hardcore, what exactly do you mean? Is that a taste of the hardcore comedy that you've been doing?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, red band, relax. Jesus. Okay. No idea why that sound effect should be there, but... Oh, because it's hardcore. Red band. So good. So good. Okay, so you were doing it hardcore. Hardcore. Yeah, yes. And then what happened?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right, there's a lot going on here, I guess. Okay, so... What was the job that you were doing in which you couldn't do comedy as well? I helped run the family business. What was the family business?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Pita, gyros, and carpets. Okay. That's up. Yeah, we are very close to a terrorist attack, ladies and gentlemen. So what do you do now? How do you make money now that you get to do comedy so hardcore?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, that's crazy. Yeah, what the fuck? That's a crazy thing to have. I thought Pepto-Bismol was weird. He's like, I got a knife. Okay.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I get attacked all the time outside. It really is one of the cutest knives I've ever seen. What do you do? Butter your fucking biscuits with that thing? Open up letters. Oh my God. What is that? Kill somebody. Is that for grapes? Whoa, look out. For grapes. Yeah, I cut my grapes with it. Someone need their garlic sliced thin? Okay. So, Remy, tell us about your life. Like, what's been going on?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, there you go. You have a little joke book from last time? The small one. Yes, that is correct. That would be the one that you should have.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You don't think I... All right, there he goes. Remy Swice, everybody. Hey, thanks, everyone. On to the next one. This bucket pool is from the inside. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know, therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most insurance providers. Did you know that most insured members have a $0 copay? That's right, Tony.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
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KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
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KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
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KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
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KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
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KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash killtony, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash killtony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash killtony. It could be one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joshua Yellis. Joshua Yellis. Is that Joshua back there, crossed and over? Joshua, is that you? Back there. He's coming from the side.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, he's coming from the back. That's just a man urinating right there. Come on, Joshua. Now's your time. Now, normally, people from the inside tend to not do good. It tends to be a lot of people that, I've always wanted to try this, and I wanted to see how it would go. I thought it would go better than that. But it could also be, you know, the next great talent.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, okay, I'm going to stop you, Joshua. Holy shit, man. Yeah. That is such a specific story to you in your life. Yeah. Yeah. You're like trying to make it relatable to everybody. Everybody's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm trying.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wild. Let's talk about it. You ever do stand-up before?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It was my first time on stage. Talking to the microphone. Everyone was trying to tell you. I had to stop people from trying to fix your set for you. Because we had already tried. Yeah. Talking down here, right down here. That's not really how it works. It's like this.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Love you so much. You haven't even married your wife yet? This is crazy.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you might want to knock it out. Get a prenup. When does this come out? So Joshua, what do you do for work? What exactly do you fix with a wrench?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Tell us what it's like out there on the road. Tell us some tricks. What do you urinate into? What do you, how do you?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right. Tell us a wild story from you being out there on the road.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Not a lot of crazy stories. Give us an interesting... No lot lizards. I'm not over the road, dude. Okay, give us an interesting fun fact about your life before we get you out of here and back to obscurity for absolute ever.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So, Joshua, most interesting fun fact about your life. You have an entire life to reference here before I let you go. This is your final question. What about your life? Anything.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Get the fuck out of here. Oh, fuck you. Get out. No joke, but go. Get out.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right. Imagine if everybody did that, just signed up for the show and was like, I love my wife. I just came here to say that I listen to this show and I love my wife. What the fuck, man? All right. Your next bucket bowl. Hopefully they want to do something in comedy one day. Make some noise for Billy Sherman, everybody. Here we go. Billy Sherman.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Billy Sherman. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up, Billy? About 10 plus years.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Two of my favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. One is, of course, a legendary regular on this show. The other is truly one of the greatest guests in this show's history. He is an absolute superstar. Make some noise for both of them, everyone. It is Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, yeah. A whole episode. the very funny Tyler Fisher, the great Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Congratulations. Thank you. Are you a fighter? Jiu-jitsu? What is it?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I work for Jews. What kind of, what exactly is your, like, day-to-day work like?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What do you mean you're trying to make sure no one gets evicted?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. A lot of meth. Okay. What kind of car do you have, Billy? You are built very strangely.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Old guy division, yeah. Okay. All right. What's your love life like?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You said watermelon. Looks like it. What is it that you prefer about black women over other women? What do you think it is?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What is going on? I lost you here just a minute ago. Something's going on.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you could do it. You could do it? Why not? Let's do it. Let him take some Pepto-Bismol. Oh, wow. He actually did do a shot of Pepto-Bismol there. Oh, this is incredible. Look at all the layers on this Christmas ornament that we call Tyler Fisher. The human Christmas ornament. And then we have what appears to be... This guy is literally... Oh my goodness.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Welcome to the all new Broadway musical. It's Meatball and Pasta. Oh, this is gonna be hilarious. This is the moment of truth right here. Turns out the shirt is huge on Tyler, by the way. Lot of space. Wow, actually. Whoa. Incredible. It looks good. That looks better than your original shirt. Way better. Thank you. It's 40 bucks, bud. Very good. Thank you, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Frankly, he could be the wall. All those ethnicities just turned into Mexican real quick. That is fucked up. I got to get back to my construction job, you see. That is incredible. It took like 10 years off of you, too. You look like a little kid with facial hair down. I'm 10 pounds, though. I've got the gut. You weren't tricking anybody in this show. Billy, what do you like to eat?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're back, baby. They are on tour. TylerFisher.com, CamPatterson.com. They've got websites. They're on the road doing gigs, selling out everywhere they go. Hi, Cam. What's up? I got a website now, nigga. You got a website. I love it. And it is. It's campatterson.com. You were able to secure it. Hell yeah. You went your first couple years with no website.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow, Red Band is hard as a rock right now. This is just everything he loves. Okay, Billy, congratulations. Fun times. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Thank you. He really wanted to catch it, and he did. He focused there, and he caught the joke book. Wow. That's my favorite dress. That's my favorite shirt. Yeah. Tyler's got a new favorite shirt. Does it smell?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Udmi Sharma. Udmi Sharma. Looks like a... Oh, yeah. Yeah, all right.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yumi Sharma. Yes, sir. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Two and a half years. Do you always dress like an Indian magician?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Every room is a dark room when you and your people are in it. Tyler Fisher. You know exactly what that means. This guy doing the Deion Sanders podcast in his spare time. I never get an invite for that one.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my God, he got me! Gay! Say, just say gay! I love it. Unbelievable. What do you do for work, you and me, Sharma? Take a guess. Why don't you just answer the fucking question? Fair enough, fair enough. It's tech. I do tech. Who could have got? Absolutely. Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
37. And you've been working tech pretty much your whole life? About six, seven years. Okay. What exactly do you do in tech?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I do, yeah. And so phone calls just come to like a second phone that you have and you help people?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It may be recorded for you. I'll drop it down two octaves so that you can stop thinking about my dick and asshole for a second, you horny Indian fuck.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You'd me. What's your love life like? Dating somebody, yeah. You're dating someone? You did get Indian there for a second. Did you hear that? I'm dating someone. D-Madness heard the word gay five times in two minutes, so he has to take a break. He's famously homophobic. He goes back there and hits a punching bag when gays get mentioned on this show. So, Youdmi, what does your girl do for a living?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Pinker girls. She works in tech, too. She works in a hospital. Hospital. A nurse. She works at a local hospital. What does she do at the hospital? Nurse. She's a nurse. Okay. Did she ever bring any of her, like, drama home? You know what I mean? Like, oh, today there was a guy who lost his arm or whatever. Sure. Every now and again. Okay. Does any one of those stories stand out to you?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have anything that you do? Are Indians known for something?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I said I don't want to show anything. Right, because that would be gay. That would be gay. Can you describe them with words, what your go-to is in the bedroom? She's Indian as well? No.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. I love what the confidence that you have for a guy shaped like Indian Santa Claus. It is unbelievable. I wonder if I could fit in his shirt. There's some room, get in here. Can I just keep trading shirts with him? Just keep trading it? Do you think you could fit in this shirt? I cannot. Come on, let's do it.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yudmi, tell us more about your life. What else are you into? What's fun about Yudmi? Yudi. No, no worries. That's a...
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're going to have some fun tonight. 279 human beings signed up for this opportunity. Their names are in this fucking bucket. Anything can happen. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That's their 60 seconds and they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bears. I let this public defender in the front row pick the first name tonight.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Are you from L.A.? I am. Born and raised? Born in India, grew up in L.A. How old were you when you moved to L.A.? Nine years old. Nine years old. What part of L.A. do you live in exactly? West L.A. West L.A. By the beach? By the airport? Culver City. Culver City. I know all about it. What do you love about Culver City? It's a location. It's pretty close to... Have you noticed anything about L.A.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
change in the past ten years? There were a couple fires. I don't know if you guys heard about those. Those were interesting. Not exactly what I'm talking about, unless you're talking about the police cars being on fire. Anything else that you've noticed about the culture?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's back to the ladies again. You were a horny motherfucker, huh, though? Ah, well. He really is. There's a lot of energy there. Where'd you meet this Latina that you found? Hinge. Okay, do you go a lot on the dating sites? I try to. Go on a lot of dates? What's your go-to move? Where do you like to take a girl on a date?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Got me again. Got me. Everyone remember when he was scared to take his shirt off because it was going to exist on the internet forever?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Dirt Kreischer. It was a little joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Thank you. There goes Yudhi Sharma. Thank you. Let's fucking, let's juice up the room a little bit. You know, it's been kind of fucking, we've been missing some energy in here. I think it's time that we bring in one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, ladies and gentlemen, and an absolute anomaly.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're going to go wrangle that person. And well, they get brought over from the bar across the street where we store all these comedians that are hoping and waiting that a human with a headset will walk over and say their name and whatever, a signed fucking number, however they do this thing. We have one of the greatest comedians that we've ever known that is part of the show.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You were all great. There it is again. The one and the only. You too, white. Ari Matty. We love it. There is no question. Everyone agrees with everything you just said.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No ass, no titty. Has there ever been a female star that big, like a musician that big, that doesn't have an ass? See, exactly.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
She's not as fat as she was. Show us a current picture of Lizzo.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Lizzo. We're talking about Lizzo, Red Band. He's trying to think of something mediocre to say, so he doesn't even know what we're talking about.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It looks like if someone dipped Red Band in milk chocolate. It's crazy. You're just thinking about how big she was before.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I ain't say shit. Taylor's got no ass. Lizzo has no eyes. The world is crazy. Blonde Lizzo. Yeah, she's huge. All right, Maddie, what else is going on?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I don't know if he's, I guess he's a golden ticket winner. I don't really know. He's just like one of those outlier legends. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Cam's uncle. America's favorite uncle. This is the one and only. Here to get it started with a brand new minute. This is David Jolly.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What the fuck, the wheel was so red, man. It is very true. It is your traditional, I guess it is indeed part of the culture, much like having a big entourage, having a dad. If you're a black dad, one thing that I've learned, and maybe this isn't everybody, but just my own personal studies.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
is that if the black dad is present in the black young achieving artist's life or athlete's life, and yes, it is a big F. Thanks for adding that in. That is Fox News contributor Tyler Fisher. But if they are in the young artist or athlete's successful life, they do tend to be the one that takes the check. that kind of, like, deposits it and does everything. I asked him about that thing.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, they'll show up. So funny. They will show up. I've had a couple black men pop into my life claiming to be my long lost father. Okay, red man. Jesus Christ. the wheel three times in a row there, man! Crazy. It's crazy. That shirt is so red.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. It's not exactly pronounced Schnecktadaddy, but I like the way Ari says it, so we're going to stick with it. But yeah, it's upstate New York, not far from the Canadian border probably, right? Probably an hour away. No idea.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Are those proud Canadians over there? Is that the pop that I'm hearing? Nope. Perfect. All right. Is that by Rochester? Whoa. There they are. We found them. There's the upstate New York people that hate Rochester.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my God. The place is chaos. I stand on that, too. Upstate New York, a highly debated topic. Is it worse than hell? He was bleak.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
There you go. Not actually gay, everybody. I know who Josh Allen is, and I did know what the bean was. All right. Flag on the play. Okay. Lying by the homosexual. 15-yard penalty. Third down. Yes, okay. Redpan. A lot of Red Bull for you today, huh? Jesus fucking... It's like fucking Beethoven on a soundboard over here. You need both hands, Redpan.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Anything else crazy, Ari, before we get back to this bucket?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You are always rock solid with your minutes. Absolutely incredible. You've done it again.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Bye. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Craig Baxter, everybody. Craig Baxter. Here we go. Oh, hell yeah. Let's go.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm going to cut you off there, Craig, before the bear steps in. Step on that red X over there. Get way over there where you should be. All right. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show, Craig. How are you? Great. How are you doing? Great. It was an okay performance. Good news, I have 438 questions to ask you right now. All right. What do you got? I love it. You are an incredible specimen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
51. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About since 2013, 10 years. Okay, where have you been doing this? Under like corporate parties or something like that? Is it some kind of, where are you doing it at?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Erie, PA, I know it very well. Not far from where I was raised in Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, yeah? Yes, you know of Youngstown? Absolutely. About what, what is that, about an hour away? Yeah, yeah. Yep, okay. What do you do for work in Erie, PA?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, I don't know if you know this, but Cam is also a grape juice quality controller.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I like this guy. You have a real look to you. Craig, I gotta know. I mean, there is no question. You live alone? Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. There is no question. I've asked almost everyone, probably about, I would have to guess, 70 to 80% of all the bucket pools, I've asked if they have any hobbies. Now, I'm going to get there, but I'm not asking yet.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a hobby, but you have hobbies. You are the kind of guy that has a fucking room dedicated to something. The walls are covered in it. They're in collectible film. There's something going on here. Might be trains. Might be cars. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you for adding so deeply to this. Thank you even more.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
But there is no question in my mind that you are a man of many hobbies.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
A super athlete. I wouldn't have guessed that, actually. Are you the guy that was choking out the meatball jujitsu guy earlier? No. All right. Wow. So you're in good shape, huh?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right. Absolutely. Well, some people are asking to take it off. This is a very wild show. Wow. How many of you guys think Craig and Tyler should trade shirts? I like that shirt. Let's do it. You want to try this one on? Yeah, let's do a little switcheroo. Tyler has tossed me the knife. This is absolutely incredible what's happening here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This shirt is going... What's going to be funny is when Craig goes back across the street to the bar and runs into fucking Remy Swice and is like, hey... Where the hell did you get, that's my favorite shirt. Wow, incredible. Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on. Honey, I shrunk my panel guest. This is incredible. Absolutely adorable, Tyler Fisher. Oh my goodness, wow.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This is a full switcheroo. Wow. Wow. Yeah, yeah, turn around. This is incredible. Welcome to Bill and Ted's Not-So-Excellent Adventure. Looks like Josh Potter. I don't even know which one's which now. This is incredible at this point. Somehow, somehow Craig Baxter looks young. Craig's like that hot chick in a rom-com. Takes the glasses off, turns into a stud.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm like, what are you, collect trains? He's like, I'm a triathlete. This is incredible. Craig, you need to get the fucking LASIK, bro. All right, band, everyone, settle down. Let's check in with Tyler Fisher here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's incredible. There's no doubt about it. This does look like... Right? If you didn't have facial hair, I would call the police on this duo right now, Tyler.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
The kid from behind, the pedophile from the front. It is unbelievable. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Tyler, come back over here. Keep the glasses. I want to talk to Craig without his glasses. Craig, are you aware that you literally look 30 years younger without the glasses on? You look good, dude. You look like a good, decent human being.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Now, what does it look like? What's the difference between glasses and... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Scam Patterson has arrived, everybody. Hey, can you give me your... Hey, give me that routing number, girl.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This is terrible. I could tell your eyes are bad, Craig, by the way that you buttoned your shirt. You came in with your shirt tucked in. Now you have the eighth button up on the fourth button down.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It is. So let's talk about it. How bad is your vision? Can you drive without glasses?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So it's really bad, huh? How many fingers am I holding up? How many fingers am I holding up?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm going two to four. That's a good guess. That is a very good guess. Oh my God, what the fuck is going on? Jesus fucking Christ, man. This is crazy. Holy shit. She's blind, bro. Wow, you are fucking halfway to D-Madness land, dude.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, I'm still fucking banned from that airline, so... So, Craig, what is exactly going on with your love life? I gotta know. Like, you just haven't... What are you into? Big booty Latinas, or...?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I love this guy, man. I know. He is fantastic. Are you on like the dating apps or something?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You don't need to ask them if they're on the dating apps. Just do the joke.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We love it. We love it. So, Craig, like, tell me, your last, like, date, what was that? Let's just go with the last one. Like, where was that? How does that go down? Where do you find this person? Turn your hat backwards so we could all see your face. Fuck yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I understood about 12 words. It seemed funny. Hell yeah. It was funny, though.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So your last one was a hike. Nothing happened there. How about the last time you got some action? Where do you find this innocent victim?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
When was that? Ballpark. Year, ten years? About three years. Okay. And so was that your girlfriend at the time or something like that?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Good-looking triathlete girl. And do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Do you have any tricks to please the ladies? Like the calculator or something like that? Okay.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, the tongue guy. Craig, slipped a coin and answered correctly. You are correct. What is your trick with the tongue? What do you do?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. And let's see. Do you have any rhythm? Oh, my. Well, I wasn't actually expecting that. When I said, let's see, I was going to ask about your rhythm. I didn't realize you were going to say, and you were going to start eating air pussy over there.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
He has a pussy for an ear. He has a cauliflower ear. It's a whole thing. Okay. Man, Craig, you are such an interesting guy. I feel like I could talk to you forever. Fun times up here. You still live in Erie?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
kill tony but i mean you just came and you signed up this is your first time signing up and yeah i was just gonna do a bunch of comedy stuff get out of the snow i love it perfect and it worked out for you here's a big joke book craig just because i love your interview andy caught the book absolutely incredible wait let's uh hold on take out the glasses and i'm gonna throw you one of these little joke books and i want to see if you can catch it i'm not gonna hit you in the face i'm gonna leave it short just so you know i just want to see if you could do it ready yeah
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'll see you in the van. You have a new shirt. All is even. You got a new joke book. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Craig Baxter.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
He had a fun time. No one needs to get murdered because he had a good time. We're all safe here tonight. Oh, you know he's having that time of his life. There's going to be a grave rob tonight. Just a mutilated corpse of a woman being ravaged while his bare ass bounces up and down with never-ending triathlete cardio. Just fucking a corpse all night long.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That is a guy that never goes out of breath. and he can see police coming from six miles away. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Guana. Guana, everybody. G-uana, perhaps. Guy-wana? G-wana? It is inside? It doesn't say inside. Is this Guana? Keep coming, Guana. Well, you saw how it went earlier with an inside bucket pool. I've tried to warn you, we will see how it goes again.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Usually a fan that has seen the show and doesn't answer questions directly. Very exciting stuff, but anything could happen. This could be a prodigy, everybody. It could truly be the next regular or golden ticket winner. This is Guana.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I hate this show. I hate it. We've been doing it too long. I think we beat the game. I think it's over, everybody. It's just wild what's happened.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Relax, relax. Hold on. You have to... You scared of this young white lady?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It takes time. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't cup the mic like that and just talk whenever you want. Okay, Tyler Fisher.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Like, Guana. Oh, that bitch crazy. This bitch is an insane person. She is something else. Guana, is that always... How long have you gone by Guana?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. So, uh... How many times have you been to prison?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What were the people that you were staying with doing? Cam?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right, right, right, right, right. But what was the offense that sent you? What did you do? What did the cops say that you did?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. See, that's, we're not doing that.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I feel people going to Taco Bell all around the country right now just so they can hide their marijuana in an open cardboard box so that anybody can smell it, but you cannot for the life of you find it.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Got ya. How about the second time you went to prison?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How about the... That's a great point. I am saying prison... Like a savage over here. I just assume you're at a full-time prison. But what have you been to jail for? Let's name some more fun offenses here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. What were the offenses that sent you to jail? Yeah, get real.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, they put you to jail. Hold on, okay, all right. Okay, everyone relax. I told you these bits escape. It's wild. Three sound effects at once.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well... Hold on, okay. When did you try to kill yourself?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How did you try to do it? How did you try to kill yourself?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You do door dash. She don't got no pinky, but she a tattoo artist. People, well, you're probably right-handed, right? It's my right hand.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You also have working man's face, Guana. Let's talk about it. Okay. We're having fun here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Guana, let's go through the pinky slicing moment here. How did that happen?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. That was a long way to get there. Kiwana. Let's talk about it. What else do you do with your life when you're not doing art or... Everything. Let's just rattle some things off.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That is incredible. Would you guys like to switch pinkies for the rest of the night? I would kill for a pinky that big.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Wait, no, okay, you were on the inside tonight. You've been to the show tonight. How did you end up here?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, I'm glad that you had fun, Juana. How exciting. Here's a little joke book. Yeah. Yeah. All right, we're having fun here tonight. It's a wild bunch, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know. There used to be... How about another hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right, everyone? My goodness. Saging the room after Guana was up here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Reactivating our... All right, your next bucket bowl goes... We still having fun out there? Make some noise for Chris Berlin, everybody. Chris Berlin. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's my time. Okay. Chris Berlin. That was funny. How are you doing, Chris? Chris, stop fucking shaking Cam's hand. Cam, relax. Jesus Christ. What is this? The Handshake Show? What the hell is going on over here? Chris, stand right there. Hello. How are you? I'm well, thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What the fuck going on, bro? Tell us what's been going on in your life.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You play drums. Oh my God. Let's just wait a second here. Hold on, everybody. Hold on. Hold your horses.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No, I have fingers, but... Okay. Okay. Okay, so are you being serious?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Did they shoot it in both shoulders? They did. Really? What made you get a second one? Well, no, no, no. And listen, so... Are you fucking with me? Is this like an MSNBC prank show where it's like, trick a patriot?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. That is so sad. There you go. There's a little Mexican music. All right. So did you notice any other side effects, Chris? Other than losing use of your shoulders, probably.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Where do you live? Talk right into the tip of that microphone.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. When did you move here? I moved here in July. And where were you before this?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I should have just fucking done it. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Creative director. So what are you creatively directing?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. All right. The mouthpiece. What exactly do you mean by that?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Crypto news, okay. How's that going for you? You making money in crypto?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, let's talk about it. Gotta fuck them hoes. Have a sip of my delicious chocolate milk while you talk.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Explain to us all why you believe in it. We very rarely talk about crypto on this show.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Is this your little sister, Kim? Who's Solana exactly? We love Solana. That's one of the Destiny's children. It's... So...
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Through my cleaning lady. I give it to my cleaning lady.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, that seems trustworthy. How could that ever go wrong? Are you doing pump and dumps? Is that what you're doing? Like all that bullshit? No, no. What do you do? You just hope to get lucky? You just trust another human? No, we're building an ecosystem. Okay, forget it. Chris, what do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Your arms, for a guy with shoulder injuries, you're moving around like a fucking, like one of those inflatables that he used car lot. You're like, I lost use of my shoulders years ago. I can't play the drums. I can't surf.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Sorry, Cheryl. RFK, how do you feel about this? This is exactly what you've been talking about. You and everyone else with common sense. It's about the vaccines.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm anti-retardation. What do you think he should do? Would you have any exercises?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Chris, have you tried playing the drums since this injury? No, I haven't. It kind of seems like you can. Do you guys believe in miracles, everybody? Here's a drum solo from Chris Beskin. Oh, okay, Michael has a great idea. Very rarely do I take my band seriously at all, but I heard Michael's idea and it sounds fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the Black Blind Drum Off, everybody.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This young man, Chris Beskin, is going to do a drum solo, and then D Madness, Blind, is going to do a drum solo. Ladies and gentlemen, going first, this is Chris Beskin. If he wins this competition, he will have to lose his eyesight.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's okay. There he goes. Chris Beskin. Everybody wants to see the blind guy do it. Get up, Chris. Get up. Get up, Chris. Watch your head on the microphone there, Chris. Here he goes. You've never seen anything quite like it, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drums. Welcome to my little freak show that I call Kill Tony, everyone. D Madness getting into position. Somehow nailing the landing better than Chris Beskin. He is in his seat. And ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
He's making some adjustments here. This is indeed D Madness, everyone.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
ExpressVPN ZipRecruiter and PrizePix proudly presents another episode of Kill Tony. That is de-madness, ladies and gentlemen. Undisputed, undefeated. The grand champion of Kill Tony. The mac daddy of them all, laughing his ass off. He fucking loves it. Bitch ass having no shoulder, having ass bitch. Just talking shit the whole way to his seat. Yo, bitch ass shoulders. Chris, I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Gentlemen, that's the best damn band in the land. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. You have made it. How about one more time for Matt Muehling here on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys behind me. This is D Madness live in the flesh.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Are you hurt over there? You look, oh my God. Now people, the fucking internet's gonna be like, God damn it, Tony fucking, Tony and his ego made that innocent guy play drums. Now he's a victim. Tony hurt that guy while he was living his dreams. Are you okay, Chris? We're good, right? We're good, we're good. Okay, I'll give you an aspirin after this.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Got some good Advil cooking up in the front here. So, Chris, tell us something else crazy about your life. You seem like an interesting guy. You seem smart and cool. I loved the set. I really did.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I think Gratuity is the woman's name that you fucked in the first place. Gratuity Jenkins, head register, In-N-Out Burger.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I love that. Chris, here's a big joke book. Thanks for coming on the show. Great stuff. Great spirit. Great energy. You're good. You're good. You're good. There goes Chris Beskin, everyone. Adorable. Another perfect example of... Big Pharma's... Anyway... Let's just keep it moving along here. This is a one word name. Those are usually very fun. Let's see what happens.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Do you have any tricks to getting dogs to calm down or to stop barking or anything?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you're like the dog terrorist or something. Yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How do you, what is your secret to calming dogs down?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Matt Muehling, dog aficionado. Matt Muehling is cracking up over there. He reads, it's a small breed. Matt says it's a very small breed. Is this true? Wait, I'm really high, so I might be thinking of the wrong breed. No, you're right. Matt's wrong. This dog is fucking huge.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You pictured a Pekingese. Pekingese is the tiny dog, yes. I got that. Mr. Me, Mr. Not Know Anything, Mr. Bean. I knew it was Pekingese. I had a Pekingese once. Yeah, back in the day. So these dogs were huge. What were they trying to do to you? Did they think you were one of them?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. And your mom is the Mexican? Dad's the Egyptian?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Like, can you give an example of... Oh, of like an old person? Like, what would your grandma say?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yep, he's the Mexican. That would be the farmer. How about your mom? Does she have a job? She used to be a teacher? She does taxes and stuff like that. That's Egyptian. That's an Egyptian thing. Okay, what do you do for fun when you're not taking care of the dogs and everything?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What are the dogs' names? What are the four dogs' names? My dogs? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That is a pastry, yes. I'm getting caught in my pastry. I've rattled off a lot of pastries.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
K. Fuck! You have a girlfriend, Longoria? No. Okay. You go out on dates ever? Sometimes. You get girls back to your place? Are they overwhelmed by the dogs? No, I have four dogs. Fuck that. Right, your place is you and the dogs.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. All right. No girls allowed, though. No girls allowed.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's a boys club. What are the breeds of the dogs that you have?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. So it's like you, half terrorist. Yeah. All right. What's a fun fact about you or your life that would surprise us?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Open ice. I am the wall. Normally your people avoid ice at all costs.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Longoria, fun times. I liked your jokes, man. I don't know what's cool. I already have one, dude. You do? You've been on before? Fuck yeah, I was on. You just weren't wearing the hat last time?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. There it is. Incredible. All right. Longoria, thank you so much. There he goes again, Longoria. He's already got a big joke book. Thank you. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we should put a ribbon on it. We've had a fun episode. We've had a blast. There's only one way to end an episode like this, if you ask me.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
And it is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show, an icon. A man who God himself says has a greater healing touch than him. A man who is known for not only discovering America, but figuring out that the earth is round and that... All right. It is the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, that's my time. Ladies and gentlemen, take note. The, the... One of the best sets of the night came from the man who's done it more than anybody else. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I will say, you seem very present. There's a little bit of snap in your step today. You seem rested.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We have some Pepto-Bismol if you'd like some. Where do you get this prune juice from?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right. And is it from concentrate or pure prune juice?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How does it make you feel when you're on the toilet and the prune juice has shown mercy on you?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What did it sound like? Can you do an impression of it? Wow.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So do you think the food goes in into the back and the liquid goes to the front?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, the prune juice is a liquid, right? Yeah. And then you have your club soda that you love so much to drink. Yeah. There's a lot of that. And then there's the water that you drink when you're working out, right? Yes. Now that you're rowing. So there's a lot of liquid.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It actually goes in your blood. The liquid goes in your blood and then it gets redistributed. Yeah, it goes in and then it goes to your blood. Water goes to your blood and then it gets redistributed by... The water has a weird flow. I looked this up recently. It's creepy when you figure out
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, Redban has to. Dude.ca. All right, very good, yes. Cracking himself up.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right, I'm back, everybody. About 90% of... It's kind of a tough question to ask fucking Google.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Just a little update. I'm a pilot now, if y'all didn't know that.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you got to say it nicely. Well, no, no, no, wait a minute. We can't, no, no, we fucking don't. Are you going to give the president Donald Trump permission right now to do it?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yep, grandma. No. That's my grandma. Grandma. Graham crackers.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, it's two words, right? Put all the cash on the table. Yeah. But we'll ignore the space. We'll just know. Are you matching it? Yeah. Oh, he's out-cashing me. Oh, he definitely knows how to spell it. He's out-cashing me. Oh, John's in on this somehow.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Now, I know that's the thing that you drive in when you have more than one person in the car with you. I go to the carpool tunnel.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
But I'm not going for $500. This is Tyler Perry's Kill Tony. Welcome. Welcome. For those of you just joining us, we are live on BET right now.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I love a good old black spelling bee. I don't know what it is. I just love it. It goes down easier than prune juice on a Monday evening. William, anything else going on crazy you want to let us know about? You're repping the burn orange today?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I hope so. I hope. We love Francis. We love Larry. It's harder to look up where water goes when it enters the body than you would think. Yeah. It's kind of rough. But yeah, it goes in your blood. Crazy, right? And then it gets back out again. It goes through a thing, through your intestines, and then into your blood, and then back out again.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's that too, yeah. It's all, there's osmosis. There's a lot that goes into it. Osmosis Jones. A lot of people don't know this, but I am, a lot of people don't know this, but I am smarter than a Canadian doctor. So it's a thing that's going on in the world. A lot of people are asking, are you smarter than a Canadian doctor? And I am. Tony ain't ever gonna stop being smarter than a Canadian.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Here goes William Montgomery. Express, VBS, Zip-A-Goodle, PrizePix. TylerFisher.com. CamPatterson.com. William Montgomery is on tour. Cam's on tour. Tyler is on a national tour. One more time for Tyler Fisher, everybody. Cam Patterson, everyone. The living legend is here. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebald is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh, it's Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Look at that. That looks just like him. That's what Cam looks like. And the king of $5 bills. Abe Lincoln would be proud if he could see his face on all those bills. He would be like, that's why I freed him. Happy Black History Month, nigga. Whatever he just said, for sure. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
High ceilings, big laughs. They've got it all over there. And we love you. We are doing fun things. I'm all over the road. Kill Tony. Everything. It's all happening, people. We'll see you soon. Love you. Good night. Thank you, guys.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
There's no black cannoli, everybody. This is fun. Let's look up more Italian words and ask the black people what they think they mean.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What is a rigatoni? Oh, no. That's a pasta. That's a pasta. Very good. Okay, this is a lot of fun. Hell yeah. All right.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All of your answers are incorrect. It actually means welcome.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
One shade darker to purple, and they would chug that right now. It's a little too pink. What is bubblegum? What is bubblegum? Look at that shit. Who put bubblegum in a blender? This is black shit. Look at this, my wallet. I got gum. That is incredible. A magnum condom for some reason, just in case you need a quick disguise.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right. Back to Italian black translation game. What do you think A carbonara is.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What the fuck is that? It's a fancier, fattier part. I could be wrong. It's very bacon-esque. It's better bacon.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I will close. He's putting... It's very controversial on this stage right now. Matt Muehling is yelling about pancetta right now. We finally woke him up. We figured out what his passions are. Types of bacon. I would have guessed Red Band would be our senior bacon correspondent.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Final Italian word block translation. What, gentlemen, what is a sfigatello?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No. That's not. You can't just hit buttons if you don't know if they're right or not. What? It's like an asshole.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's a dickhead. He like a dickhead. It's a flaky Italian pastry. Ah, fuck. David, you're a legend. Way to get it started tonight. So much fun. And like that, it has begun. And now, you might not know, but it's time for the fucking bucket where absolutely anything can happen. We're going to meet a real human being. Uh-oh. There she is, the iconic Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez, considered big and huge compared to many action figures around the world. And that there is Huevos Rancheros, Benito Santiago Alhambra. No doubt about it. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa. They're called Grooveline Horns, a strangely American terminology for exactly. the huevos and the rancheros that they have cooking inside of them.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That is indeed Huevos Rancheros, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo, Nachos motherfucking Belgrande. That is Big Mike live in the flesh. That is the real Big Mike. I know what you're thinking. He doesn't look that big. Well, the podcast adds two feet. This is the sweet, sweet Matt Muehling behind us, dressed like a bum next to a barrel fire. This is the great John Dees.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
There she is, live in the flesh, the one and only Heidi Kim. No, that's not the D-E-I I was hoping for. I like them a little darker. All right, your first bucketful of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Gabriel Kerr, everyone. Here we go. Gabriel Kerr.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Gabriel Kerr, with a minute and some change. Welcome. It's been a long time. You've been on the show numerous times before. Welcome back, Gabriel. Thank you. It's been a long time. It's been like three years. Welcome, welcome. That was a good set. Thank you. You've been working hard on your stand-up comedy? Yes. Okay. You still live here in Austin? I do. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's no longer in business? A good business. Okay. What happened to the business? Why is it no longer a good business? Because the fucking rates are through the goddamn roof. Interest rates? Yeah. So it's not profitable for you. Do you still have it? What are you doing with it? Breaking even. Okay. Hell yeah. This is like Mad Money with Jim Cramer, except a very unprofitable version of the show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. Okay. Guys, have you ever seen anything quite as adorable as Gabriel Kerr?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We look great. Look at this. Wow. Over my hoodie? I know two guys that are going to fuck a Pringles can tonight together.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hell yeah. It says plain, but they taste like French onion.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Gabriel, what else is going on in your world, huh? What else is going on in life? I found out four months ago that I'm Jewish. Whoa, four months ago?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I kind of see it. Yeah, there it is. No doubt about it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
My goodness. This is incredible. So you found out four months ago, did your grandpa leave you money? No. I thought he was Jewish. Yeah, he took it with him. To the grave?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely incredible. You still have this crazy love life, I kind of remember, right? Like threesomes or cuckery or something, right? Remind us, what was it again? My wife and I fuck other women. Your wife and you fuck other women. Are you guys still doing that? Yeah. And that's working? Yeah. Okay. Works great for me. Yeah. Okay. And when's the last time you did that?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The hair is connected to the hat, fun fact. And that is Dee Madness wearing his finest pajamas this evening. It is incredible. He rolled right out of bed. right out of bed to be here tonight. We are gonna have so much goddamn fun. I can feel it in the air. Do you guys feel it? This feels like a hot crowd. I see a lot of goddamn Latinos out here hiding from ISIS right now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, Red Band wants to know so that he can nuclear catfish a couple. I'll just be in the kitchen. You guys do your thing.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I love it. Gabriel, you already have a big joke book, right? There he goes. Gabriel Kerr, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Hey, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You cannot get deported at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. It's impossible. You're protected. In fact, we're all gonna give you, we're gonna give all the Latinos in the room a little hand stamp. to protect you since we're all part of the current administration of the United States of America now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We're in for a treat. This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest door guys here at the Mothership and one of the funniest of the top young rising comedians in the world. This is a good, fun chance for the world to get to see, and I don't know what kind of minute he's gonna do, but this is one of our favorite up and coming young comedians.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Make some noise for the great and powerful Miles Johnson, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You will be protected as long as the hand stamp doesn't wash off so you can't do any hard work for... All right. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Vya. Folks, life moves fast and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge or stay focused without making things more complicated than they already are.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, absolutely incredible. What you see is what you get. Miles is hilarious and a very, very nice boy as well. He's a nice guy. Yeah, I'm kind of like that, yeah. As much as I like you, Miles, I know almost nothing about you. You've worked here for a couple years, and we've all been doing comedy together. You're very, very funny. And so tell us, what's up?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What do you do when you're not doing stand-up or working here? Usually I'm hanging with my bitch. Yeah. I wish I could do impressions of a black guy like you do. What do you mean? I mean, I do it. Everybody's like, whoa. I think it's cool. Go for it. What is that? Is that you? What's going on back there? John. That's crazy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
John, you having your own sound effects is becoming an immediate... What do you mean? Okay. That is me. That is me. That's from the British black rapper. Turned out he was like a famous rapper, by the way. Guy in the front row. Oh, I'm so black. It's time for some rap music. And that beat dropped, and it's like a historical moment in the history of this show. White guys were dancing. Whoa.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Miles, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Other than your face and hair.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Let's just take the body out of it. Let's just take the skin and body out of it. Are you like a point guard or something like that?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I didn't have a fucking dad. It's funny that you think that's what dads do.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
out of being so nasty right now. Just rubbing the old Cryptoris. Miles, what else? Any other hobbies or fun things that you're into? You seem like the kind of guy that, you know, chess club or something like that.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Miles, Miles, Miles. You are incredible. You are fantastic. You've done it again.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You already have one of these? You don't? There it is. Boom. Big joke book for Miles Johnson, and the show continues. And your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eve Ellenbogen. Eve Ellenbogen. Make some noise for Eve, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Boom, there you go. Everyone is retarded. Eve Ellenbogen, Bill Maher.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You ever try meditating but then get stressed about how bad you are at meditating? Same, that's why I love Vya because they actually make feeling good easy. Half a million customers can't be wrong.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Welcome, Eve. This is your first time on the show. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? 12 years. 12 years. Almost all of that in New York?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You have a very South Korean haircut. Hans Kim was up here with the exact same hairstyle just minutes ago.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Vya is changing the game in natural wellness, combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create real effective driven results, not just fancy packaging and empty promises. Want better sleep? More focus? A little boost in the bedroom? Or maybe you just need to chill out because your stress levels are currently at screaming into the void status.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Seven is such a wild age to have that happen. Did she explain to you what was happening?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's the butt plug. So she was very sick from when you were five.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
So there was a period of time when you're in kindergarten learning words and colors and everything.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And meanwhile, your mom was unlearning how to misspell her name at the same time. So you got to pass up your mom in real time. You know, I never... Speaking of real time, Bill Maher is here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Low-mainal? Mom says goodbye, and you say hello. Hello. Mom says goodbye, and I say hurrah. Hurrah, hurrah. Your mom is looking up at us right now laughing. I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I'm kidding. She's in heaven. Was she Jewish too? She's Jewish. She's looking up at us right now. I love it. What's dad like?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Look at this guy putting your mom to shame in years. It's incredible.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And to think Gabriel found out he was Jewish only four months ago. Yeah. The only dad like yours. I love it, Eve. So that's fun. So now you live in Austin for the last year.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Whatever you need, Vya has a solution for you. If you're 21 or over, check out the link to Vya in our description. And use the code TONY to receive 15% off and free shipping on orders over $100. And if you're new to Viya, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your every day with Viya.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What happened? Did you de-madness? Have you been giving free bang cuts lately? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Did you think about putting it on speakerphone and setting the phone down?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Are you on medicine for that? No. How do you handle it?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, everybody's thinking it. I know. You just happened to sign up for my show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
If you were on Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher would literally be asking you about those bangs.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You don't drink, but you end up with a drunken haircut.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Eve Ellenbogen, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. There's a big joke book. Eve, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Oh, look at that. And here you go. You just saw somebody get booked for a real show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You guys ready to start tonight's show, huh? Yeah! Well, well, well, you guys are here for another legendary episode of the show. This is an incredible, incredible booking. My mind is blown at the fun that is about to happen. One of the guests is one of the most legendary guests in the history of the show, one of the most utilized guests, and who I consider to be a king of New York City visiting.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Anything can happen here. Your next comedian... Ooh la la. Your next comedian goes by the name of Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Here's Sharon Ruth Hensley, everyone. Make some noise for Sharon, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. Sharon Ruth Hensley. I don't think I've ever been softer in my life. This is incredible. Big Jay Oakerson.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. Incredible. You have real liberal hippie vibes. No, sorry. Don't apologize to me. I fucking hate those people. It's incredible that you're not.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, tell us about that. This is incredible. A little Dick Cheney situation here?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, how, okay, let's just take it one step at a time. You kind of went Tarantino style there. You went the beginning and the end. Now we need to figure out that whole fucking middle part where you find out that your phone and your electricity's cut. I murdered a felon.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. So take us through it. You noticed your electricity's out, right?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
So why would he go and then cut your electricity and your phone?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We're jumping around here. So are you standing there with a gun in your hand? You're by yourself on the other side of the door waiting for it to open so that you can shoot him?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The other guest is one of the most legendary comedians of all time who's never been on the show before. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guest. Wow. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Bill Maher and Big Jay Oakerson.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Let's go back to the question that I specifically asked. It's a pretty simple question. Pretend like you don't know the story, like the people here and the people watching at home. So the person's trying to kick down your door. You're on the other side of the door with a gun. Are you standing there with it pointed at the door? Yes.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Are you saying anything back to him while there's a hole in the door, Big J?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. You're about to make a long distance call to heaven. My uncle was a sniper.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow, oh my God. Take it easy, cunt Eastwood. This is incredible. Oh my God, I thought your pussy was dirty and hairy, but I didn't realize you're dirty, Harry. See the reference there, folks? That's good. Yoni's not even smiling. All right. Incredible. A 357 Magnum with hollow points.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, my God. This is some real Texas shit. Wow. Well, the funny thing is... Right now, people in California and New York are like, what? The bullets didn't have time to expand? Wow. So a marathon runner. And by that, we have figured out the race of the man. Am I correct?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, Mexican. Wow. I thought it was pictured that. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The fact that he's Mexican does make the catchphrases that she could have said to him a lot better, right? Did somebody order the migas tacos?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
For whom does the taco bell toll? I like that one. Yeah. Incredible. So you didn't kill him? No. How many times was he shot?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Three times and he survived. God damn. This must be one of Big Mike's relatives. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. En español.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Did any of these ricochet off of his saxophone? How Mexican was this guy exactly?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, wow. No bueno. No bueno at all. Do you know what he does for work? He's disabled. Uh-huh. Right. Is he a citizen? Is he a legal citizen?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Really? Isn't that interesting? If an illegal immigrant committing an illegal crime gets shot by a legal American, they automatically get money forever.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, wow, in that case. God damn it. We'll see about that. I'm going to talk to my friends in the administration.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely. Was it his right arm? His favorite hand. Wow. So you live life constantly looking over your shoulder.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Revenge is a beach. The good news is... You should have killed me, bitch.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, that'll really throw him off, Redman. Hey, I would kill you, but I don't think it's the right beach, dude.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You don't have cats, right? No. But it's amazing because you seem like you do.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, okay. Oh, so you hate Jews. Yeah. That tracks. Incredible. Boy, you cannot judge a book by its cover here in Texas because you seem like you would just be one of the worst people ever. It's incredible. Wait, let's see. Red Band has a good point. We want to see, you seem like you could be one of those secret hot chicks.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Look out there and would you mind taking off your glasses and kind of like frilling your hair like that real quick? Just out of our own curiosity. Can you look that way? Whoa. Whoa. I think I have a 357 in my pants now. We've come full circle here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You have the thickest white accent I've ever heard. It's literally... I can't understand you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, it seems like it. You do. You seem like a wacky Canadian.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
She doesn't do a lot of talking. She lets the gat hum. Yeah. All right, well, Sharon Ruth Hensley. Any relation to Hunter Hurst?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely. The interview, while absolutely incredible, you know, the set was that set. You are leaving here, don't kill me, with a little joke book. Is that a gasp from, you guys, you want me to give her a big joke book? All right, okay. Jesus, I've never heard the whole audience go, aw, at once like that. This is a true democracy here in America. There's a big joke book for you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're killing it, lady. You're killing it. I'm sure some open miker's gonna bang the hell out of you tonight. Someone's blowing the dust off of that librarian pussy tonight, I can tell.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right, Sharon, relax. There you go, all right. Facebook? Facebook.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, that is a wild lady. You can tell she has like a sex swing at her place. That's like a kinky, kinky old lady. You guys having fun out there? We just met a cat lady that's secretly a killer. Anything can happen here. Mixed voice for your next comedian, Benny Boy, everybody. Benny Boy, that's a new name here. Here we go. Oh, we know Benny boy. All right. Here he is.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You've never been on before, Bill. I've always wanted to book you. You're one of the few big comedians that I've never been able to have on.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, no doubt about it. This is Bill Maher, Benny boy. You ever meet Bill Maher before? Bill Maher?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is wild that we've had two bucket pulls in a row that were both part of the Manson family. This is absolutely incredible. You had to bring that up, huh? It's a real reunion here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Benny, has that always been what you've gone by on the show? Why does Benny Boy feel like a new name to me?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, the only way to mess it up is by having it be ineligible. Which means I can't read it. Which most likely means they're mentally ill.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. Confucius. So, Benny, tell us, what have we not talked about? You've been on the show before, just to catch Bill Maher and Big Jay Oakerson up. And you famously, at one point in your life, were friends with Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. You call him Richie.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. You guys were heroin buddies. Yeah. You didn't do anything gay like eat cereal together.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're all right. The one directly behind you is blind, so he doesn't know exactly where you are.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Did you ever share in... Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So... Did you ever share a needle with him?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Because it was a bloodletting, but... Benny Boy, tell us something about your life that you've never told us before. You have always been a great interviewee.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
He stole his TV when he... Yes, can we get proper lighting for this keynote? He's a great storyteller.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Great song. That's Stevie Wonder. That's D-Madness. Those are two different blind black men, Bill.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
There's a lady that's going to be murdered by a Mexican with one arm before this guy comes to his TV. Just go ahead. Tell the story, Benny.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I guess I'm a big asshole. Welcome, Bill. And Big Jay Oakerson is back. Well, Bill Maher insists on promoting KyleDunnigan.com, who Kyle famously played RFK Jr. and is one of the great comedians in the world.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Keep going, Benny. Keep going. You have pure momentum.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I love him. How did you and Kyle Dunnigan become so... I just am a huge fan of his comedy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I love it. And Kyle Dunnigan is on tour right now, so make sure you get tickets at kyledunnigan.com. Big Jay has a brand new special out. Them, They is out now. Them is out now. They comes out in April, and that is on YouTube. YouTube. Big Jay Oakerson. Truly... Two of the best comedians working today. Big J, you've been on numerous times. We're so happy to have you back.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely incredible. Did you make it back in time to plug in the TV and catch the episode of Johnny Carson?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Benny boy, it boggles my mind your ability to tell stories in the interview portion of this show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, well, you just got to keep signing up and do it again. I sign up every fucking week. All right, yeah, this is it. This is your odds. Everything makes sense. You get pulled once every few shows.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What are you, crazy? It's a bucket full of names, you psychopath.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What did you say? Guinea? Did you call yourself a guinea?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's perfect. Benny, we love you. You already have a big joke book, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got one. Don't try to steal one from me here. I'm not making a fucking sandwich.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay, Jesus Christ. You're a real con artist. Do you know that? There he goes, Benny boy, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. We're flying through him tonight. Benny, what? You just told a 15-minute long fucking story. What else could you possibly want? Last time I was here. I have a lady that I'm going to have shoot you in a second, right behind the curtain.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hey, no, remember, I'm nonviolent. What? I'm nonviolent. Okay. The last time I was here... Okay, Benny, I love you. You got to go. Benny boy, ladies. I'm going to have security choke you the fuck out. Get out of here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Get out of here. Unbelievable. A throwback to a different time.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I can't believe you have Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hawk Tua girls.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You always book somebody... Very important and like, you know, and then someone that's just like a street rat.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Kyle Dunnigan.com is what Bill Maher is promoting tonight. Oh, man. That is hilarious. Hello. This podcast is sponsored by Vaya. Folks, life moves fast, and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge, or stay focused without making things more complicated than they already are.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right, your next comedian. We still having fun out there? Not everybody's just old people with crazy stories out of this bucket tonight. There's no way. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right, Marvin Izzy. Marvin, welcome. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Starting this Monday? What have you been doing up until this point? And this is this Monday, by the way. You were supposed to start today. It's Monday night now. I think you missed your shift. All right, so I'm unemployed. Now I meant to say I start next Monday. Okay.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And where are you an operations clerk at? That is a professional title, but you didn't tell us where you work.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We all fucking try to help them out, find out more about them, find out what's interesting about their lives. The whole thing is improvised. Have you ever seen this show before, Bill?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Nice. That ponytail is so tight back. It is incredible. You're Puerto Rican? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible. There is a certain amount of absolute pain that they put themselves through before you leave the house. Stretch out the forehead, you know? Yep, absolutely. Absolutely incredible. What do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
There it is. Very Puerto Rican. Yeah. Absolutely. Who has the tighter ponytail, you or her? Me. There you go. Nice. Yeah. You're saying that hers is loose? I hope that's the only thing.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You better get it together, Bill Maher, because next week on your show, you have Vladimir Putin and Benny Boy. I'm getting word. That's right.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's too much fun. This is too much fun. Marvin Izzy, what's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you? I suffered a heart attack a year ago. Oh, my God. How did that happen?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Jesus. You had a heart attack at 38? Yes, sir. And where did this happen? How did this happen? Take us through the steps. Your right arm goes a little numb?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
But I would have assumed you were ODing on cocaine as well. But ODing on cocaine and a heart attack are almost essentially kind of the same thing, right?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Never tried it before, but I guess that's a thing. I'm a gay cokehead.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Congratulations. That is a fun fact. That is the laugh of Fiona Cawley that John Dees has saved on his keyboard. John Dees has some of his own sound. Hit it again, John. That is the great Fiona Cawley. Golden ticket winner out of Nashville, Tennessee. Um, okay, Marvin, you've been on the show before, right? Last week in that turbo round. Okay. That shit.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, congratulations. You got your interview in. You got pulled out of the bucket. There he goes. You got a little joke book? I ain't get nothing. Here you go, my friend. Hey, why not? Marvin Izzy. All right, we're flying through it. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris... Cabral, everybody. Chris Cabral. Or Chris Cabral, perhaps. All right.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow, 42 seconds from Chris Cabral talking about his tiny penis. Yes, tiny, tiny. Hello, Chris. Welcome. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy out?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow, this is exactly how I've always expected Bill Maher to be. This is incredible. I can't believe Bill Maher is here. While we go wrangle that comedian, the first bucket pool from across the street, we have someone special here to start tonight's show. It has been a long time since we've seen this young man. Ladies and gentlemen, a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. Former regular.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. That is one of the saddest things that's ever happened in Charlottesville, Virginia. A true tragedy. Man, that's brutal. That's all right. Oh, you got me. Chris, how long have you been a retired police officer for? I have been a police officer. I have been. Way back in the day. What? You just stepped on a joke and what? I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Big J, what did you say? I forget. That's all right. Chris Cabral just out here swinging that baby penis around. So what does that mean, law enforcement, as a park ranger? What were you doing exactly? Resting squirrel. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Speaking of squirrels, next week on Bill Maher's show, he has President Zelensky and one of the squirrels that he arrested. One of the squirrels, yeah. All right. It's a packed show. It's going to be a good show. I can't get enough of these Bill Maher bookings. Chris, there has been something that's been happening tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I'm going to catch you up because the bucket pools are brought over here and kind of get to hear what's happening right before they come up. There's been a theme tonight with Eve Ellen. Nope. Sharon Ruth Hensley, older lady, kind of had a rough set and then an unbelievable interview. Benny boy, mediocre set. Game-changing interview. A story that would win a fucking Oscar if podcasts had awards.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. Now, what I want you to do here... Yes, sir. ...is I want you to think in your head of something of your entire life. How old are you?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
5'5". Okay, 5'5". Very good. Stick with me here. I want you to focus because this could be golden. We could go three for three with unfunny old sets having unbelievable interviews. If this goes how I think it can go, you're going to come out of here feeling good. If it continues to go how you've been letting it go... You're gonna go, what the fuck was that? This is your moment.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is your moment. My moment. You have 55 years to reflect on a story or a moment or something interesting about you that is going to change this fucking vibe, this moment that we're in right now. It's all good. It's your life. I need you to reflect in your head. Let me give you an example. Sharon Ruth Hensley, a woman who appeared to own all of the cats, turns out is a gun-toting hillbilly.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
A Texan through and through, even though she looked like she voted for Kamala eight times in eight different states. Turns out she shoots people that try to invade her house with a .357 Magnum. Hollow point bullets that blast through marathon runners who are currently tracking her down right now. Sweet little Benny boy comes up with some old-timey jokes.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Fucking, it takes me seven hours to watch 60 Minutes. Next thing you know, him and the band fucking jamming up here, talking about a guy making a little mustard sandwich, stealing his TV. A heavy TV, so heavy that he ended up taking it up on a ladder on his shed, driving his car around. It was fucking crazy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wouldn't even make sense in any other universe other than Kill Tony. So now, Chris Cabral? Cabral. Chris Cabral. Yeah. Now is that moment. John, if you can give me a little something. Lighting, if you can give me a little something. This is your moment. Chris, tell us. 55 years to reflect on. Tell us something that would boggle our fucking minds that you've seen or been part of in your life.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And now, this is that moment. Starting now, this is Chris Cabral.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Y'all know luge? Stop asking the audience for their approval. I can't believe three years and you've learned nothing about the art form, Chris. Just focus in on the story. Don't acknowledge the art. Pretend like you're just crushing. Stare straight out there.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, two for three tonight isn't that bad. It's a good story.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's pretty wild. The good news, Ronald Reagan and the baby from that story are on Bill Maher next month. Okay. All right. Not bad.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Thank you, Tony. That baby. An unbelievably bad story, Chris. You basically assaulted a two-year-old and threw a Russian woman into a snowbank. Yes, that is true. I love it. I love it. Chris, what are we missing about you? Anything else before I let you go?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, okay. What have you done in the Air Force? Do you ever serve overseas or anything? Other than beating up children?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It is incredible. Your perspective is amazing, Big J. You've seen what I was... I completely missed this. The kid was looking up to you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You snoozy luge. Chris Cabral, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. You going to catch this? Sure. There you go. Chris Cabral, everybody. Thank you. All right. Your final bucket pool of the night, everybody. It's been a hell of a show. Make some noise for Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Jarrett Zeller. Here we go. Uh-oh. Look out. Here he is.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Make some noise for Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Wait a second. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, and you play that when he's up here. No, no, that's not how it works. That's intro. Outro is when they're leaving. Intro is when the next person comes up. We're going to give this guy a fresh start. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jarrett Zellert. One more time for Jared Zeller, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It was bad and awesome at the same time. There's something... It was bad, but there's something weirdly hilarious about you. I love that you blame them. No, I understand.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How exciting. You are here at Kill Tony, everybody. Make some noise for Brian Redband. There he is. How about one more time for the best fucking goddamn motherfucking band in all the land, the Kill Tony Band. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is what Benny boy was like when he was younger or something.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. It is incredible. You have a very odd charisma to you, Jarrett Zeller.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're welcome. You seem a little twitchy, a little high energy. Are you on like Adderall or something?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. How long have you been visiting from California?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. Jared, how old are you? I'm 27. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Dallas, Fort Worth, and College Station. We know it very well. And how often do you make it down to Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're slowly turning around completely. You just made direct eye contact with the drummer there. I'm going to help you out. When you get nervous, you spin around in 180 degrees. Your mom took you to Austin once? She took me to the domain. We stayed by the domain. Wow. You came to Austin to go to the worst place in the city. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You've been doing it for two years. Is that your best minute or is that your newest minute? Oh, dude. Man, I feel like I know where this is going to go, man. Where do you think this is going to go? Face the crowd.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I've never seen anything like it before. You're like some type of like one of those. What's the thing that's in the middle of like a dinner table? What's that called? Nancy Susan. Lazy Susan. Jared Zeller has the stage presence of a Lazy Susan.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You don't need to throw your mom under the bus. Thank God. You're very close with your mother, aren't you? Yeah. You still live with her?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And you had no helmet on? Yeah. This is all starting to make sense. Were you twitchy and kind of jittery before that?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. You're doing great then. Were you going down the freeway at some point and perhaps got a little nervous and turned around and started going the other way, head on to traffic?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. So, Jarrett, you hit an 18-wheeler, so you had to go back live with your parents.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You dress well. You have good stuff going on. What's your... You have a good love life?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay, all right, Jesus. We get it, we know. We know she let you wear her pants to the show tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Thank you guys so much. Wow. Exactly one minute. Hans Kim. Thank you, Tony. Back in front of everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is so interesting, Jared. I find you to be an interesting, interesting person. I can tell that you're funny. Thank God. I mean, you weren't funny, but I can tell that in there is a funny guy. I can tell. You have, like, funny motions, and your timing and movement of funny is good. There's something in there. Well, thank you, Tony. Let me ask you again.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
If you were to do your funniest joke that you've written in the two years that you've been doing it, what do you think your go-to would be? It couldn't possibly be that crazy Kamala Harris impression. No, no, no. That was insane. Yes. That was just a racist impression of a black guy done by an extremely white guy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It was just... Yeah, I was waiting for something about a candidacy or politics or something.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
In two years, I got to know, if Johnny Carson was here and he's like, I might want to have you on my show after Richard Pryor on a stolen television tonight. All I want to see is one joke and I'll give you a spot. What would the joke be? Look out at the crowd. You're turning around again.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It doesn't have to be clean, but go ahead. Just pretend like you're on Kill Tony, the modern-day Johnny Carson, and do a joke.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
See how he danced with the music? There's a funny guy in there. There's a funny guy in there. Do you have funny friends? Do you hang out with funny people?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, this is... When's the last time you were in a relationship?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Before we let you go, what's the craziest thing we should know about you, Jared, your entire life? What's something wild? You've seen this show before. You know how the interview part of the show works. You're in it right now. What do you think would be something you would bring up?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Every time you talk, I have so many more questions. Dude, listen. Hold on a second. No, you listen. You listen to me. You listen to me. So you're hooking up with this chick. You have a neck brace on. Did you not think to go, hey, do you mind if fucking you get on top?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You were on top and you're just there with the neck brace, like fucking her. And you like, can't look at her cause your neck's like that.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're right, Bill. We're going to keep it moving. Here's a little joke book for you. Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Jarrett Zeller. All right. I also want to plug my show. All right. Okay, we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, and you are in for a very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Here to close tonight's show, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, this is Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The west side of it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What's the difference between the west side and the rest of Orlando?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. What's on the... What's on the south side of Orlando? I don't know that side. I don't know where that's at. You never drove through there? I don't know which way that is. How about the north side? Neither. Wow. One way south, one way north, who knows? You just pointed right and left, so I'm getting the feeling that you're not exactly sure. what north and south means. Correct.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
One way's north, the other way's south. Incredible. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What? For real, though? No, yeah, no. I know. The last thing. The last thing, uh, yeah. I'm a good guy now. I do comedy. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's my uncle. Absolutely. But you would go to Disney World a lot, right?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow. That's a lot of gay five- and six-year-olds out there. It's not wrong. Gay as hell.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I hate that shit. What about the new Disney stuff? There's a lot of... Tron.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hans Kim. It has been a while. You're back. It was a solid minute. Big J, what do you think about this sweet boy?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's a way to... All right. You ever get that Tron thing in there? That's an adult... What do you own stock in Tron or something like that? Say Tron?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. Yeah. What about Tron? Tron. Sounds like one of your people. Tron. I know Tron. My cousin named Natron.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Like in your phone it says Natron? Yeah, I think I've... Let me see. Hold up. Oh, my goodness, you're getting your Instagram. I'll show you on Instagram. Wow. Natron. That sounds about right. Natron Jenkins, wide receiver, University of Alabama. What that shit right there? Look. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, yeah. What Benny boy would have done for a bouncy house while trying to steal a television. Can you imagine? That was hilarious, dog. That's crazy. That old nigga crazy. No one loves a good stealing someone's TV story as much as... I was just like, whoa, this is genius. Wait till they eat the sandwich. What? I never thought about that, man. You're like, this guy's a logistics chief.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Unbelievable. Cam, you're a superstar. Another rock solid minute. You've done it again. We love you. He's on tour. He's fucking killing it all around the world, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in Bill Maher, ladies and gentlemen. Am I right? Tune in. He is repping Kyle Dunnigan. Kyle Dunnigan.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Bill Maher, you are the man. Kyle Dunnigan is on tour. Kyle Dunnigan famously did an RFK Jr. impression on this show, which was absolutely incredible. We love Kyle Dunnigan. It's amazing that we have that in common, that we love Kyle Dunnigan.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
How about a big hand for the great Big Jay Oakerson, everybody. Them, they. Them is out now on YouTube at Big Jay Oakerson. They comes out in April. Big Jay, our big brother from another mother in New York. We've always said that. I love you, my man. Thank you so much for having me on short notice, too. I appreciate it. Thank you. Absolutely. Truly one of the greats.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Big J. Oakerson, Bill Maher slash Kyle Donegan. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew while we were goofing around. Oh, Ari Matty. Look at that. Wow. Who couldn't make it violently ill in the final minutes before the show? Yeah, he's he's doing he's doing the Lord's work touring the country out there. All these guys are working so hard. We have a massive announcement that is happening right now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I can't even say it right now, but when this episode is out, check out the Kill Tony Show Instagram and our own Instagrams, and you're gonna see what we're announcing, if not right now, then tomorrow. So it's a huge announcement. No. No, I can't announce it now. You're gonna find out with everybody else. This lady's seriously mad. Why the fuck would you fucking do that to us?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I can't believe you did that. God, I can't imagine being your boyfriend. Look at this poor guy. God, what do you go through, sir? Is it really worth it? Oh my God, that's sad. ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix, we thank you. Unbelievable sponsors that keep the whole thing running. Shout out to BonesEye, working overtime kicking out these joke books available at killmerch.com.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
A ton of new unbelievable merch. The new dark Kill Tony hat, which I love, is now for sale. There's a new fucking Kill Tony thermoses. There's a whole bunch of fun shit out there. Killmerch.com. And the tour dates are, yeah, you're going to find out. There you go. Big global announcement coming tomorrow or tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Get your tickets. Fucking amazing. Sells out immediately, so make sure you get it while you can. And... Check out everything Kyle Dunnigan. Follow him on Instagram and all social media. Same with Big J. Check out their specials. See them on tour. Audience, we love you. Thank you for coming to Austin, Texas. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, no doubt about it. What are your pubes like, Hans?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, that's because you have the... It's the keratin. Yeah, and having the dick of a five-month-old. Do you ever decorate it since you can do things with your pubes? Do you ever do, like, haircuts or perhaps, like, a Big Jay Mohawk type of look or, like, spiky? You ever put gel in it?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, incredible. What, uh, you ever, uh, you ever do, like, the chopsticks thing down there or anything? Like a ponytail type of... With my balls, or...? Eh, I don't know. What else is going on in life, Hans?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Either way you slice it, one of your people made it. Either they made it or they dry cleaned it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No doubt about it. You ever meet Kid Rock? Never. How about Kid Walk? Well, Hans, anything else we should know about before letting you go?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, I've never heard of the jumping on the bed part either.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's wild. All right. You guys just talked about it? You didn't do it? No, we didn't have sex on stage. Okay, perfect. All right, Hans. Spoiler alert. I was going to watch. Hans, you got tonight's show started. It has begun, all thanks to you, the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. And now it has begun, and we go to the bucket, which has a mind of its own, ladies and gentlemen. Uh-oh.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, I think I'm Jewish now that you mention it. This is how I find out that I was Jewish all along. Jack, way to get it started. You are... Good job, man. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Time to get to this bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's been on this show before. It's been a long time since we've seen him. Oh, I know what that noise means. The lovely Heidi is here, everyone.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Make some noise for Heidi, live in the flesh. I always love seeing the tourist faces when they actually get to see Heidi. Yep, wow, yep. Don't see those? Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, everyone.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Tequila. It is. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It is the return of Tim Hanlon, everyone. It's been a while. Here's Tim Hanlon.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right, Tim Hamlin. It's nice to get to meet Jack Shaw's comedy retired father. I've been around. You do look like a guy that used to write comedy for game shows. I know his mom. Here you are. Tim, welcome back. It's been a while since we've seen you. Yes. Indeed, Muslims don't drink.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Austin, Texas, who's with us? Make some fucking noise, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, everybody, huh? Yes, very exciting, very exciting stuff. How about another hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody? That is indeed the huevos rancheros side of the room, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. All right. What is your living situation like, Tim?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Don't lock my doors. You have a lot of clothes in your closet. Do you have a lot of choices or is that it?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It works. Tell us what's been happening. Oh, yeah, they do match. A wise observation from John Dees. It is indeed brown. Oh, my God, you are wearing camo pants. What an embarrassing moment for you. Oh, my God, right? We're just lighting up Tim Hamlin. John's like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It is incredible. I can't believe you guys both went with this look tonight. So, Tim, tell us about your process or your career lately. What's been going on in comedy? You started 15 years ago. You came out of Guns Ablaze. It's a good premise that Muslims don't drink. I feel like there was a little bit more there you could have fucking hit. I was waiting. Typical Muslim jokes.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'm waiting for a big boom at the end. Never came, really. It was a...
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They drink. I'm friends with a son of mine. He doesn't drink on, what's the name of their wacky holiday? Ramadan. I'm probably going to get killed for calling it a wacky holiday. There's a thing on my life. What do they call that?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. But, yeah, no, they drank. We went on a fucking bar crawl to celebrate Ari Shaffir's special release a couple weeks ago, and I promise you, Asana Monkout. We all thought it would be a good idea, the six of us. There was a ton of us fucking comedians, Ari, DeRosa, fucking all of us, and we all thought it would be a good idea.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Ari wanted to do a shot and a drink at a bunch of bars on the east side of True Crawl, which I've never really done before, and we fucking did it. And by bar seven, we thought it would be a good idea to all slam into the photo booth at once, one of those old school photo booths. And all we got was a bunch of pictures of Ahsan's head There is proof that Muslims drank. All right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'm shifty, bro. I'm shifty. Tim, you've been on this show multiple times.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
This is fantastic. There you go, absolutely. Tim Hanlon, who's somehow only a second appearance ever. I could swear you've been on more than that. Here's a medium-sized joke book. It'll match your getup.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Make some noise for Tim Hanlon, everybody. There he goes. Little Elon Musk send-off there after a... Jesus Christ. Holy shit. All right, there he goes. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Jusu Vest, perhaps. It's some rough handwriting. Jusu Vest or Vast? Jusu. There he is. Wow, look at this. Jason Vest. Jason Vest, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay, I'm sorry. We'll reset it one more time. The clock, here he is. Make some noise for Jason Vest, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That is Grooveline Horns, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo on the horns. Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Matt, the mutilator, mewling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys, the leader of the band. The great and powerful Dee Madness on bass guitar, everybody. The whole crew is here. Very, very exciting stuff in motion. A very fun episode ahead.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right. Jason Vest. Okay. All right, let's go. This is your first time on the show, correct? Second time. Oh, there you go. I got it. Everything's backwards here tonight.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Did I tell you on that episode that you look like the guy from Ghostbusters 2 that makes Viggo the Barbarian come to life out of the... It is Viggo! It is Viggo! It's an amazing impression. It's Viggo! I've seen Ghostbusters 2 a lot. You have those energies. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, that's exactly what he would say if he was here right now. That's how he would say it. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I cannot picture you fitting into either one of those cities at all.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Incredible. Yeah. I mean, you're used to performing in the back of Ford Escorts. Incredible. What do you do for a living? How do you make money, Jason?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, okay. National Guard recruiter. Did you recruit anybody? Like, you seem like you would be the worst recruit. With a power glove.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Never been beat. Oh, my God. Power glove, man. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Wow, I've never seen a standing ovation from Red. Okay. Jesus Christ.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
While all of that was happening, this guy's so gay that he made another man faint in the front row, by the way. It was the sock. It came off, man.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's our first casualty here today. We're going to see how many audience members can die here tonight.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I love that. I love that. Absolutely incredible. What else would we be surprised to know about you, Jason? You seem like a wild, eclectic character. There's so many things. I bet you collect things. You have a bunch of stuff on your walls at home. Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh my God. Holy shit. Wow. Got you, bro. Oh my God. Yep. Absolutely incredible. I'm a freak. Wow. Four more people just fainted in the audience for those of you keeping track. Jason, I got to ask you, because we're finding out so much so fast. Indeed, you are a freak. What do you think, if we had to go down perhaps the top three freakiest things you've ever done in your entire life?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
When people hear this show, they love when people tell the truth in the interviews and find out real shit. I feel like you just put the sock in your mouth and shook your head. I feel like you're willing to fucking really go for it here. Now, I present to you the top three freakiest things Jason Vest has ever done in his life. Number three.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
So much to put together there. Waffle house. Plenty of fish. Butthole finger. Absolutely incredible. Inserted. Double dirted. Triple skirted. Smothered. Covered. A waffle house bathroom. Wow. Picayune, Mississippi. Picayune, Mississippi. Oh my God. Remind me to never go to Picayune, Mississippi. All right, here we go. Number two, freakiest things Jason Best has ever done.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Leave some time for the crowd to go wild, Jason. Leave some space. Get these laughs. You deserve it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How did I know that this segment was going to work? This is incredible. This guy, like, had this ready. If you would have thought we prepared this, like, okay, I'm going to ask you the three freakiest things you've ever... This segment is unbelievable. I got to hear number one. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold those horses.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, honestly, after shitting on the chest. I only have four questions about number two.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Once before. Once before. At 25. Oh, it's definitely not. Nothing is your first rodeo. I feel like there's nothing that you haven't done. There's no doubt about it. You probably have AIDS. And he probably paid for it. I got to hear what number one is. I got to hear what number one is. Real quick, real quick. I know. I want to know number one, too. You have a question?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, well, Matt Muehling only talks once every six and a half episodes. This should be exciting. Matt Muehling.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Fucking unbelievably great question. I have no idea how I missed that. Unbelievably great question. Yeah. Are you? Were you just imagining it not there?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Do you remember how this shit came out? Was it solid, loggy, wet, runny? I thought it was South Korean soft serve at the time. Wow. But it turns out it was what? Filipino pudding. Yeah. Okay, Red Band, there's your fart sound effect for the episode. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the number one freakiest thing that Jason Best has ever done.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, aka Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are at TonyHinchcliffe.com right now.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
high amount of people was your crackhead uncle. Yeah. He was so fun. He loves you, man. He loved me.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You said he loves you. He do love you. He's still here somewhere. He's still there.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He's looking up at us right now. What? No. He looking down like this. Life is good. The good crack is in hell, buddy. The good crack is in hell. I don't know. Maybe not. We'll have the good crack in heaven. Who knows? I think heaven's more of like a heroin place. It's just more relaxed. I picture crack. D Madness is reacting to this. He's a real musician who's probably done heroin and crack today.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Probably when he just went backstage. A real musician can jam with anybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Just a bunch of unlocked everything. Yeah, really. Just go in anywhere. It's like a video game, like Sim City or something like that. GTA.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. Well, you did the cross eyes to us. You faced us when you did the cross eyes. Okay. There you go. See, you got to do it to them. That's the trick. Yeah. Play it forward.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I can't. I ain't not be knowing. What the hell was that? I don't know no crackheads, nigga.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Cam Patterson. Cam Patterson playing a white guy. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. We've never learned this about you before, that you cannot do a white impression. I can't.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Absolutely incredible. Wow. Well, Cam, so much fun. You fucking did it again. Another monster performance. Another new minute from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Business is booming. We're flying through it here tonight. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Ooh. The great Heidi gracing us with her amazing presence yet again.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eddie Lursa. Make some noise for Eddie Lursa, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Eddie Lursa. A lot of Uber material there. Here we go. Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Third time. Okay. All right. Welcome back, Eddie. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Is that where you're originally from, West Palm, Florida?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How about when you're not writing or doing stand-up? Is there anything you like to do that's a little bit more fun?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay, what's his name? White Claw. Why did you name your dog White Claw? Gay dog, huh? One note red band over here. It's a gay this, a gay that. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Fart noise, fart noise, gay. All right, why is it called White Claw?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That's a great question. I would love to know. Let's say you were doing a 15-minute set. Sure, what does the first 30 seconds look like to you?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, let's do it. His opening bit. Let's pretend like I just brought you up, ladies and gentlemen. This is him doing a 15-minute set, but not really. Make some noise for Eddie Lursa. Make some noise for Eddie, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Where my felon's at. Not only did that answer our question how you open a set, but that also brings me to the most interesting part of the interview. That was fantastic. How are you a felon? Assaulting police officers. Oh, okay. I'm guessing this was in Florida, because that shit don't fly out here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
For sure. Eddie Lursa, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep flying through. You already have a joke book, right? There he goes, Eddie Lursa. Thank you. third or fourth time on the show. Your next comedian goes by the name of Michael Scott. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Michael Scott, everybody. Make some noise for Michael Scott.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh? Look, you guys know me. When I book this show, sometimes it's three guests deep. Sometimes it's two guests. Sometimes it's one guest. Sometimes it's a guest who has done this show a record setting amount of times. And every once in a while, you get to be here. for the very first guest appearance of a comedian.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right. All right, that's all I got. Michael Scott, doing good. Doing good. Some super topical, mystical material. At the height of his career. Some references from 22 years ago or so.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, but you're not talking about that. You're talking about the lyrics to the song. Yeah, I guess. That's what got me thinking. Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Is that the one where it's like a little cube that you stand on, not a stage? It's like a box? I once performed in Bakersfield on a box. Oh. I did. Please. You don't forget gigs like that.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
No, I remember. It was, like, you know, you drove a few hours. It was, like, a couple hundred bucks. This was 15 fucking years ago or whatever. And I got there, and you had to, like, it was, like, high enough to where you literally, there wasn't, like, a staircase or anything. You had to, like, body yourself up and, like, throw a leg over and, like, hey, what's up, everybody?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And just, like, be confident and cool after that. You never forget having to, but you wouldn't have had a fucking chance at this point. You would have been like, oh, I guess I'm standing next to a box for this performance. It was so fucking weird. It was like four and a half feet up in the air. I'm like crawling up this fucking. All right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How long were you able to make it last? Jesus, this bitch from Dallas is losing her mind slowly throughout the show, becoming more and more annoying. Why did you gasp like that, lady? It's okay. You can answer. You want to make noises during the show. These are the repercussions. Why are you making noises about them breaking up? Everybody moving to Dallas. I don't live in Dallas.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Nobody's moving to Dallas. Literally, nobody wants to move where you live. Nobody. Even the people that have to for work don't want to move there. I like Dallas, but nobody's moving there. So, control yourself or else you're going to get embarrassed again like it just happened. All right, let's go back to you. Yes. So... How long were you able to make that relationship work in Austin?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Eight months. Okay. Where do you think it went wrong? Is this a white girl? Yeah. God damn it, I knew it. How did you know? You want to know how I know? You know how Cam couldn't do an impression of a white person? I don't think Michael can do an impression of a black person. I'm a white guy that was raised in an all-black neighborhood. I have a good ear and eye for these things. Michael Scott.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
This is one of those moments you will never forget, for it is indeed this comedian's first time ever joining us, a guest that I have wanted since the show's inception 12 and a half years ago. I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world, his first time in the Kill Tony universe. This is Fluffy Gabriel Iglesias! Yeah!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, we did? This makes sense. I'd imagine so. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you close your eyes, he's a white guy. Everybody close your eyes. Michael, say some nice things.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I say ne'er do well. Okay. No one remembers your last set. Pretend like that never happened. How long ago was that?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, John D is giving you permission to say the N-word. He wants to hear you say it. My nigga, what's up? Shit, I guess I'm allowed to say it now, too.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Michael, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
A woman out there just yelled to dance. Can you dance like a black guy? No. Let's see this. Give me some music here. Come on. Play some mystical, guys. I have a bad knee. I swear to God I can't. I swear to God I have a bad knee. I can't dance right now. I swear to God I tore my Achilles tendon. Come on. Hey. Hey. Oh, there's the lighting change. They want you to say danger. Oh, shit. White guy.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Go white guy. Go white guy. Hey. What do you want? Welcome to white dance party.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You let you dance for those white people. That's what she's. I bet that's exactly what she sounds like, too. What in the world would put you in that conundrum to where white people are asking you to dance for them? My dear, sweet Michael Scott. Your name is whiter than anything about you, by the way.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
We know who he voted for. He's like, I can totally dance like a black guy. Oh, Michael, I love it. So did this white girl break your heart here? Yeah. Yeah, she did. Explain to us kind of how it happened. That's right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You dated a comic? Michael, can you answer the questions? Okay, go ahead.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. It doesn't matter. Can you tell us how she broke your heart? If you will stop talking. Lindsay Tyree. This is an unbelievable interview, Michael. It's ridiculous. We talked about this last time. We talked about this like fucking aunt. Stick to the questions here. You're on my show. Yes. Okay. How did she break your heart?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And did you continue to stay in Port Choices that evening?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And she signed up and stayed? So you guys are kind of like at the bar just like looking at each other like... Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Isn't that amazing? Once you go black, you never go back. But if you go Michael Scott... You can go anywhere.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I just want somebody that can dance. How'd you hurt your knee?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I just cannot for the life of me picture this. Would you do your walkout with the gloves and your glasses still on? No. You hand them to your coach right as you get in the octagon? Really? Yes. You walked out with your, you would be 4-0 right now if your opponent didn't see you walk out with glasses.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Your eyes don't seem that bad with those glasses on. I still think D-Madness would beat the shit out of you right now.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yes, indeed. The one and the only, the great and the powerful, Gabriel Iglesias.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, exactly. And I basically paid the same amount for gas to get me there and back.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Is that connected to that new sushi joint? No. Oh, okay. There's a new all-you-can-eat sushi joint. Oh, Machi Sushi. Unbelievable. So that's not that hotel? No. Oh, okay. How do I know? Oh, yeah. Dude, you're about to be in love. I've gone like three times in the past two weeks. It's brand new. It's rare enough out of a food convo. This is funny, man.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They have a full-size transformer out front, too, for you to like stare at when you're digesting afterwards. Which transformer? Bumblebee or something? It is. It's Bumblebee. Oh, you've been there. Oh, yeah. A man known for his heavy protein intake, Big Mike Michael Gonzalez has been there. He's a Volkswagen. All right. Well, Michael, congratulations. You already have a joke book? Yes, a big one.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
There he goes. Michael Scott, everybody. We're flying through it. Damn, that was a long interview. Yeah. We're getting to know a lot about these people tonight. You didn't know you had a fighter here. He did not look like a fighter.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That is one of those wild situations where you never know who you're talking shit to. Notice I got a lot nicer after he said he's an amateur fighter. Purple belt. Normally, if you see a black guy with a purple belt, he's a pimp. All right. That's a joke I was going to do earlier, but the time passed, but I got it out. That's good. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Yale Riemes.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
We are fresh off of watching pro wrestling together. The Mexicans are even videotaping it. You know this whole thing's being videotaped, right, Fernando? I love it, man. You got all the Mexicans on one side and the black people on one side. That's right. You got to keep them separated.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's like the meow was the punchline at the end of that. That was fucking magical. That was so perfect, dude. This is your first time on this show, right? Yes, yes it is. Welcome, Yale. How do you say that last name? Reams. Reams. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
A lot of these big cities, a lot of cool big cities like Columbus just simply don't have a real scene. So how long have you been here? I moved down here in December. What the fuck was so funny about that? There's some cool big cities that don't have a real comedy scene. Columbus, admittedly, where we have lived.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
uh December I moved down in December you love it already yeah it's fun it's I love the fact that I can do a shitload of sets even if they're shitty open mics I love that I can do a bunch of sets in a night well I'm sure people are recognizing how funny you are very quickly how much material do you think you have that's as good as that minute uh I could probably do 15 to 20 nice have you done that length of a set before yeah okay awesome uh what do you do for work
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Were you able to save some money from those jobs? How are you surviving?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
God bless America. What does she do for work? Engineer. She's a real engineer? A real engineer, yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. Does she have glasses like yours?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I don't know if that's Fernando or Raul that was videotaping. I get them all confused. I just know Carlos is on the sacks, to be honest. I've never memorized which one was the other one. And I've gotten by it so far without anybody knowing. Austin, how are you? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They're not as cool as these ones, though. You've never looked at her eyes before. How long have you been with her? About four years now. And she moved here with you? Yes. So if everything goes on pace, if everyone's girlfriend leaves them after eight months here, so you have about six months left with her. What are you going to do for work then, motherfucker? Fucking DoorDash? No, I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I love it. And you love her. Yeah. Sex life is active. Sure. Yeah. Sounds like it. Hold on. You missed it. There was a soft sure that happened right there.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Because what happened when you got fat? You kind of like, you like to be on bottom more?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Really? Explain to us what that's like. We've never really had this conversation with a guy who's a gold digger that went from skinny to bigger. We've never really gotten to have this before. Yes. when women are gold diggers, they have to stay in shape. Yeah, I know.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, she got fat too. Yeah. Oh, you're in great shape. Yeah, we're fine. We're fine. As long as the woman who you're using for money also gained weight, then you're even Stevens. The only person who loses here is your mattress. Um, So what do you think contributed to you and your girl both getting big?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I don't... When did you notice that you were having problems in the bedroom? Was it immediate? Was it a slow burn? Is there anything that you're doing to overcompensate? Are you having trouble getting erect? Because I will tell you, we are sponsored by Blue Chew. We can make you hard as a rock. Try your first month of Blue Chew free.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. I love Blue Chew. We know. We know you do, Red Band. Red Band does it just to have something to snack on sometimes. This episode is also brought to you by Shopify and Talkspace. I forgot to say that earlier. I was actually supposed to say that. Is there anything that you're doing to help the situation?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Tell us about that. Tell us about your process there. Is there anything that you do? Is there anything that you've learned? Is there an evolution to your pussy eating? Or do you eat pussy the same way you did the first time you ate it?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Well, I thought you were only with one woman here. You might need to literally start looking for a job. I thought you meant the first time ever. Okay. Right. Yes. So tell us about your evolution of pussy eating as you've gotten fatter. I like it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You want some? What is this, a nicotine pouch? No, not the nicotine. From our friends over at NYKD? I don't have a problem with cigarettes, man. What's that other? The pill. Where's the pill? Oh, Blue Chew. Yeah. Oh, we don't actually have any on us. We were reading off of the... All right, never mind. I love the party, though. Can I have a tequila and an erection, please?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I got your back, bro. Don't worry. I love it. So again, tell us how you eat pussy. Let's hear about it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Wow. You are just taking the shortcut in every single way. Okay, now the light is on you. Show us how you eat pussy. Look directly out into the audience. Oh, wow. Guys, what does pussy eating music sound like? Yeah, can we get some pussy eating? Can we get a little diddly there? Oh, he's already exhausted, ladies and gentlemen. We're going through the process here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay, her thighs are over your shoulders right now. You're doing the hard lean. It must not smell bad for you to stay in the mix like that.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hell yeah. Oh my goodness. He's doing the dolphin, the dolphin move. Wow. He ate her pussy and her ash. He ate her asha. He killed Tony Ashtray. That was incredible. What's the longest you think you've ever eaten your girlfriend's pussy? It's just torture. Oh, look out. My Latino horn players have heard pussy eating enough times. They're jamming over there.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They can only hear the word pussy eating ten times before they just start soloing out over there. Playing some romantic ass shit. Oh, it's getting louder and more powerful. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Well, we're going to have some fun tonight. And this is your first time. So let me tell you, 212 human beings signed up tonight. 2-1-2 is the magic number. They are loaded in a bar across the street. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds on the stage. You know their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. Woo!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that rudely interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. They get to talk to my esteemed panelists, Gabriel and Glacius, get some information and some feedback and some intel on what they could be talking about. It's a live interview. Everything is improvised.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? All right, while we go wrangle our first bucket pool, let's get it started with one of our esteemed Golden Ticket winners. This boy is from Los Angeles, California, and he is in town. One of the most recent Golden Ticket winners on the show.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Thank you. Thank you. , . . . . .. a, P. P. P. P. P. P. P,實... , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a Laboratory a
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Ladies and gentlemen, to start the show, this is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket winner, Jack Shaw.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
P P P P P P 19 ac la ac la ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac in Laboratory P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P gi gi gi gi gi gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I mean, it's a paid gig in Palm Springs, right? You've been booked on it for a while. A little bit. Right, so you're fine.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Next time you're in Austin, let us know. I will, yeah. There you go. And happy birthday. Here's a big joke book. Here's some... Thank you, Mr. Funk. Let's E.T. Let's E.T. Give me E.T. Left hand. E.T. E.T. Yeah, wait. Give me that stuff back real quick. I want you to catch it with your left hand. Right hand's no fun. Give me the book back, too. Let's see what happens here. All right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Here, let's have some fun. Welcome to the Moron Olympics, everybody. Oh, okay. Use your chest on that one. I'm going to put it out there. Hey, very good. Here's some more. Keep pushing. Here we go. Oh, okay. There you go. All right. There you go. Sandy, everybody. All right. We're getting there. Let's get one or two more up here. Make some noise.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Rob Edwards, everybody. Rob Edwards. You guys having fucking fun tonight? Oh, shit. Make some noise for Rob Edwards.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Rob Edwards. I fucking love it. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Absolutely incredible set and amazing that you're here to do it less than 24 hours after you won the AFC Championship yesterday. I mean, one second you're going to the Super Bowl, the next kill Tony. I'm in Raven's gear.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right. Well, I mean, okay. It's really applicable for any NFL team.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I need the money. You must have played, I mean, sports even as recently as today, it appears.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
38, 39 inches in the air. Red Band can't even do that in stairs. He's got... I could roll down some stairs, Tom.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Rob, what do you do for... How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I know. It's crazy. It's quite frightening. And it's not even really just homelessness as much as it is like drug addicts and mental illness.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He beat me to it. He beat me to it. You do not steal the catalytic converter of the Lord's will. He beat me to it, for sure. Amazing. So you're a plumber in San Francisco.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How long have you been doing that for? I've been plumbing for like 10 years. What made you get into plumbing? I needed money. Hell yeah. You seem like a guy that's good at laying pipe. A lot of blood in that poop up there, huh? Red Band, our senior retard correspondent. I was like, what? I didn't even hear what he said.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He said a lot of blood in the poop up there, implying that San Francisco has an overwhelming amount of gay men and sickly men. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. He's not wrong at all. Yeah. Hell yeah. What is the worst plumbing situation you've ever had to go through? What is literally the shittiest situation? Ten years of plumbing. I gotta know. Big, tall guy like you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, you mean what I did when I introduced him to the stage tonight? I caught myself. I'm like, all right, make some noise for Rob Edwards. Holy fucking shit!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's just incredible watching you two talk. A veteran plumber talking to a veteran toilet clogger. So we have a connection right here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That's the level that I've seen some people get to. That is the most Mexican thing I've ever heard. I could say it in Spanish and make it more Mexican. Oh, shit. They're about to play a song or something. You keep that up.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, exactly. I love it. I would almost say, you know, my only note for you is... I would put the mic closer to your mouth and kind of like use that bass and that power a little bit more and fucking like drive it home. A red band doesn't understand how timing or beats work. So he thinks I'm making an actual joke over here. No, this is an actual standup note.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Like when you're doing your jokes that you clearly know how to do and write, it's so important that everybody's able to hear you. And so it's a, blatant note. I wish I could give Red Band a note and make him funny, but it's impossible. But I just did for you. He performs once a week at his own show. He performs once a week on his own show and puts himself up right where he wants to go.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Dallas? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. But where's he from? Where was he at? Where do I live? All right. Rob, what kind of girls are you into? Big bootied what?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'll take care of the first part. There's one part I'm positive of. Flat asses do not fly in the world of Rob Edwards.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Absolutely unbelievable. So is there anything you wouldn't fuck? Let's talk about that.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How about mentally or shape-wise? There was someone that talked about loving midgets earlier.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
What makes a girl crazy to you? What's a situation where you've had with a crazy woman? Tried to cut me. So a Latina. Yeah. She was Puerto Rican. She was Puerto Rican. Can't make it up. We love the Puerto Ricans.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I mean, it is incredible. The one that tried to stab you, that's literally like their thing.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Well, they'll find anything. If it's in the living room, a TV antenna, they will get you with whatever they possibly can find.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He's lying. He's lying. Rob, seven years of standup comedy. Literally, I do believe my favorite set of the night out of the bucket. So thank you so much. Here's a big joke book. Nothing for Rob, huh? Are you in town Thursday?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Jack Shaw. You've been doing Muay Thai? Is that what you call it? Muay Thai? Isn't that what it is? Maybe I'm in the wrong class, dude. You're with cows? Muay Thai? It's Muay Thai.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
What's going on? What are you doing? What do you got this week?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hey, what? That weed is powerful. What did you do to where you have to go to court?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'm sorry. You're good. No, that was great. Great set. Great interview. Thank you, Rob Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. And with that, we're going to put a ribbon on it right now, ladies and gentlemen. We have come to the time to where... There's only one way to end an episode like this. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And we are very close to finding out whether he will get his citizenship to the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Wow. I mean. Hey, Gabriel. What can you say? This is a superstar right here. I love that you're getting all this. I'm still poor material out of the way before your fucking arena act. I'm still poor, Gabriel.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That is wild. I'm pretty sure he can do it. You guys were on that side of World War II, I do believe. Absolutely. So it's like how black people can say the N-word. I think he can give the Nazi salute because your people... Yes. Do that. Okay. I'm trying to fix the situation. What would you do, Gabriel? Oh, my God. Put this on your next post. We're just going to blur it or something, I guess.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Muay Thai. Okay, all right. Jack is a wild boy. High energy. Do you take anything? Are you on Ritalin or something? Dude, I'm on Prozac. Really? Yeah. And I hug everyone, dude. This is you kind of calm down then.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
No one will ever know. No, it's hilarious. It is kind of wild, right? Autistic people can get away with stuff that blatantly non-autistic people can't. They can get away with it until they acknowledge it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. I've noticed Elon, as much as he jokes around online. Never says he's autistic. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Well, whatever it is. He could buy Estonia, though. Dr. Redband making his diagnosis. It's called the spectrum now.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They have those working lady hands there, huh? Yeah. The exfoliators. Yeah. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That can, like, carry me out of a fire. It's funny to think, it's funny to think that next week there's gonna be some, blatantly, that girl in Asheville is gonna be watching this performance. No, I love her!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's a shame nobody's going to see this because they stopped watching after all the Nazi salutes.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's true. That is true. Actual comedy fans. I love it, Ari. My God, so funny. Asheville, North Carolina.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
What else? You got a real Texas shirt, making sure you don't get... Yes, Texas, Texas. I love it. Making sure you don't get deported this week. I got to practice my accent, dude. Ice is out to get me. I am from Texas. Texas, Texas, Texas. That's what I say, just like everyone else from Texas. I don't know that he could get deported.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. They're not really going to kick him out. I'd rather you just send me to Estonia. Anything but Dallas. It's like Asheville without the calluses.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You actually do leave merch. I still have two bottles of Fluffy Cholula. Or Tapatio. Tapatio, and I fucking love it. And I swear to God, I even had to look on the thing because I swear it tastes better than actual Tapatio. You left that here. You left it here at the mothership. You left some in Estonia.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Right now, this is the look of a man that is finding out he has left $9.5 million worth of merch all over the world. Somebody screen grabbed that look he had on his face before. What? I left it here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
The whole country is fluffy, fluffy, fluffy. You know who else is running around is merch guy up on that balcony right now like, oh, fuck.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You're so rich, dude. You don't even need it, dude. You don't even need it, bro. You could be performing on a box in Bakersfield. You have it so good, dude. What do you need that tapatio for, dude? Look, dude, it's more expensive to fucking... I found out it's more expensive to ship it to the next gig. You're about to hear the most Mexican accounting of your life.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
God, it is so funny to think literally one of the top selling comedians in the world. Like this is like a guy that like Forbes and shit, right? This is like it. And he's finding out he has merch all over the world.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
So you started Prozac and immediately you started stand-up comedy.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Absolutely unbelievable. Make some fucking noise for Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you to Shopify and Talkspace. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in and it is unbelievable. Let's see what Chris Rogers did. It was Cam Patterson. Ladies and gentlemen, I have to ask for a favor. How loud can this place get for his first time on panel? Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Look at that. That's like a Pfizer ad right now that's happening. How much did they pay you for that? Anything I could get, dude. I'll take any money. Okay. All right. Like Anthony Fauci-berg over here. Yeah. Incredible. What were you super afraid of? What were some of the things that you were most afraid of in the world? You seem like you're still afraid of a lot of stuff.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Motherfucking Fluffy. Check out the legend of Fluffy now on Netflix. One of his many, many specials. Shopify Talkspace, thank you all. Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. I love you guys. One more time for the best band in the land, Matt Muehling, John Dees, D Madness, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Big Mike Michael Gonzalez. Thank you. We love you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Watch The Legend of Fluffy if you haven't already and all of his great specials. We love you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Don't ask me no questions about that. You went from Muay Thai to Muay Mexican over here. Jack, how's life been? You've been here in Austin during all the fires. You're based out of L.A. Yep, yep.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh my God, of course. Wow, some Fran Drescher fans out there. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Why do you think his stand-up career never... Because he had you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Damn. Sorry. What happened? Why do you think he went to... Is he still with your mom? Yeah. Okay. So that's stuck.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Dude, I don't... Incredible. And they're both very Jewish as well? Oh, they're extremely Jewish. What do you think, before I let you go, what do you think is the most Jewish thing about your parents? What is it that really stands out to you to where you're like, Jesus, you too.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's not good. Gayish, gayish. Canadian Jew moved to America right when healthcare got free. That is crazy. That's against your own grain there. Okay.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It is amazing. You came out talking about how Jew-y you look, and we just had fucking the Jewish prince up here. I look like the meme if I like... Oh, my God, you do. Oh, God. You said it. I didn't. That's the most self-deprecating racist thing I've ever seen in my life. That is incredible. That you really do... Look at that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I love that. I like you, JJ. I like that. The fact that you would lean into something that racist on yourself is incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely. So does the JJ stand for juju? Yes. It is incredible. What do you do? How do you make money? Uh... Kind of this.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So go to Ticketmaster.com, use the passcode KILL2025 for Madison Square Garden tickets. We'll see you in Nashville. We'll see you in London. Tickets for those available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. We'll see you soon.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Slow it down. Everybody pump the brakes. Pump the brakes. A dick shoving machine? Sucking. Sucking. It's shucking.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How do we find this fucking, why don't you have it pinned? What's that? Why don't you have the hit video that made you famous pinned at the top of your Instagram?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
At first, it always hurts a little bit, and then you get used to it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Sir, someone's going to kill you if you keep calling Texans in the front row piglets.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Look at him. You spent just enough time in Canada to forget that guns exist, huh? Incredible. That little guy couldn't hurt anybody. I love it. JJ, what do you do for fun when you're not making content or doing stand-up? I know what he does. Oh, wow. Okay. Sam?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Is this true? Swear to God, man. You're into women lactating? Fuck yeah. But you also, so you, I'm so confused. You're gay. No. Didn't you say that you're gay? I've done gay shit. We're so confused. Red band confirmed that you're gay. You said that you're gay. I mean, if you shave your beard, I mean, we'll figure it out. JJ, stop being a fucking creep and answer the questions.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
God, these gays are so fucking horny. They will literally stop down in the middle of a show like, are you trying to fuck right now? Jesus, JJ, it's very simple. What do you do for fun other than content or comedy?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Let's go back to lactating tits for a second. So when did you figure out that you're into this? How does this happen?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Do the face. Yeah. Have you ever been with a woman while she's lactating?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I love... I love... So you were fucking almost entirely just dudes until 2009? Destroying them, yeah. Wow. Absolutely incredible. He said that with such conviction, I could smell, I could smell shit in the air. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So how do you go from strictly dudes straight to fucking a pair of tits?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow, okay, you again, I was just reminded, you're gay as fuck. Nobody pictures that when they're fucking tits. That's incredibly gay. That is so gay.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, there goes Dee Madness. He's plugged in, by the way. There you go. We got it, we got it, we got you, Dee. Dee Madness always has to pee when someone gets a little too gay on this show. There he goes. Go on, Dee. Fucking go pee, you weirdo. Homophobic musical genius, ladies and gentlemen. But yeah, I do prefer women.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You ever get gay bashed in Canada? Canadians seem like such nice people. No, never. Nothing ever happened, right?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I can see it. I can see it. Do you ever take the milk lactations and try to sell it as milk on the milk market? I'm trying to buy it, dude. Wow. Hear that, ladies? What would you do if I told you that we have an unlimited amount of breast milk in the back and that Like, how much of it do you think you could drink in one sitting?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Where did you meet this guy the other night? He was at Sunset. He did a spot at Sunset the other day. And you guys caught up a little bit, huh? Yeah. Wow. You have the best of both worlds here, because he's a dude that has milky tits. This is your one-stop shop right here. He can also book you for comedy. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What a twist.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What a twist. This is like Kill Tony directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Red band in the end is the gay one. Unbelievable. Absolutely incredible. JJ, I like your style. Where can people find your content and whatnot?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You've been doing it 13 years. You deserve it. Thanks for signing up. Fun interview, fun times. Way to get it. J.J. Lieberman has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Hello, hello. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Look, we all know what speed dating is, right? Well, if you're the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
In other words, if you could meet several interested qualified candidates all at once at a designated time, well... You would. Good news, you can. It's Zip Intro from ZipRecruiter. You can post your job today and start talking to qualified candidates tomorrow. And right now, you can try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony, red band.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So easy indeed. So enjoy the benefits of speed hiring with Zip Intro. Only from Zip Recruiter. Rated the number one hiring site. Ranked by G2. Try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Keltoni. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Keltoni. Zip Intro. Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? You're in the eye of the goddamn storm. The number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Shopify, Blue Chew, Nick, Via, Open Phone, and Takova's Boots. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? Have you ever seen anything like that before? Raul Vallejo.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand, and a brilliant marketing scheme. But an often overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business, making, selling, and for shoppers, buying, simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify, right, Dan?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And the not-so-secret secret with ShopPay. The boost conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going... So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling, on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Because businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. We know this young man. He's lived in Austin for a while.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Make some noise for a new minute from Philip Garcia, everybody. Here comes Philip Garcia.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I am a little confused. Why would she say that the dick and balls go in the water?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, Tony, when you sit down on the toilet... Well, I understand the concept, but I don't understand why she would think that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How's life going, Phillip? Let's talk about it. What's going on with you?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Another employee of Red Band. Look at this. They all slowly get shaped more and more like you the longer they work there.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How long have you been with your Latina girlfriend, fellow?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The plan B thing, is that because you're coming inside of her, Phillip? No. You don't do that?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You think you can get pregnant from coming on sheets? Hopefully not.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, and D-Madness on the bass tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
There he goes. Okay. All right, we're gonna keep it moving. D Madness is back, everybody, wow. Only guy that leaves eight minutes into the show. Really get a lot of bang for my buck with D Madness here. Literally has been gone for half the show, for those of you keeping track. All it takes is one homophobic opener. Can we get D Madness' bass guitar on him?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How about a hand for the amazing squad we have here? Some of the best producers, security people, camera people. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Annie Teicher, everybody. Annie Teicher.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Annie Teicher. Am I saying that right? Teicher. Okay, welcome. Grab that microphone. We're going to talk to you for a second here, Annie. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow, six weeks. What made you want to start six weeks ago?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, here you are. You're in the eye of the storm right now, Annie. Can I say something complimentary?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So, Annie, here we are. All right. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
As always, two of the best guests humanly possible. I mean, an absolute legend. One of them is a front runner for guest of the year 2025. The other is a guy who we have worked with for 18 years and is a comedy store legend. Ladies and gentlemen, if you love this show, you're going to love tonight's guest. Make some fucking noise for Sam Talent and Ian Edwards, everybody.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Two huge announcements. Next week's episode will exclusively be on Netflix. On April 7th, Kill Tony can only be found for the first time ever on Netflix. So go to your Netflix app, set the reminder, set it in your calendars, tell everyone you know. Another huge announcement right now, Madison Square Garden. We are coming back to beautiful New York City August 16th.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, my God. We are going to have some fun here tonight. Sam Talent, an absolute fucking freak machine. His book, Running the Light, is available everywhere right now. No doubt about it. Every single place that books are sold. Sam has a great book. I'm telling you. You podcast fans, you listen to a lot of podcasts. You listen to a lot of things. Read a fucking book.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Kansai Yasuda. Welcome, sir. Hi, Tony. Kansai. Welcome, welcome. Last week we learned about you that you are Japanese. Yes. You live in Canada. Yes. And you almost entirely with all of your spare time eat ramen and have sex with your girlfriend. Yes. Just wanted to catch up the room with what we learned just last week. There's no way you were all here, so I wanted you to know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Read Running the Light by Sam Talent. It's an easy read. It's a lot of fun. It's every comedian that you know's favorite book. It's a book, Mike. It's called a book. It's a book. And he's got a book. No, you read it. You turn the pages, and it stays the same, and you read it. It's $18.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Kansai Yasuda has returned. So Kansai, how's this last week been for you?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Thank you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Kansai. What does Kansai mean in Japanese? Uh, sick tree. A sick tree? Sick tree. Like an unhealthy tree? Oh, like a sick, like Sam, like a... Big fat tree.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Kansai Yasuda. Have you talked to your girlfriend who you left up in Toronto, who you're deeply in love with since winning the golden ticket and caught her up about this amazing week that you've had in Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Yeah. Disownable. That is as Japanese as it gets. So you told your dad that basically you made it, that you got recognized on the biggest show in all of comedy. Yeah. And he was sad about it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Wow. Even more Japanese than any of us could have expected.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Is it very profitable? You just gave it a shout out? Say it again, what is it?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. What does your mom do for a living, Kansai? My mom... Construction business?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Controls the vegetable. When you say she controls the vegetable, I don't know how Japanese supermarkets work. Can you explain to us what you mean by control the vegetable? A single vegetable she's in control of?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's textbook vegetable control, yeah. This girlfriend of yours that works at the ramen shop, I can't remember if I asked you, she's Asian as well?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Half Filipino, half Japanese. Does she do anything odd or anything that stands out to you in which you're like, ah, that's Filipino, that's not Japanese? Is there something that Filipinos do that Japanese people don't do that you kind of notice and you're like, ooh?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely great question. And here we go with a single spotlight. I would like to present to you, this is, with 10 seconds to think about it, the blackest thing about Kansai Yasuda.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, not, let's turn the lights back on. Hold on, Kansai. Okay, one more time, one more time. It doesn't have to be like a physical thing on your body. Okay. Nobody was expecting you to go, I'm a huge Akaka. I mean, like with things that you do or things that you like or hobbies that you have or things that you say or things that you do or something that you've done,
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Make some noise for Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Here, one of the greats. Comedy store legend. I feel like I should have wrote something before I came here. has not written a book, but he does have a new special on YouTube. Follow him on Instagram. His YouTube and Instagram is the same. It's IanEdwardsComic. You guys have both been on the show multiple times.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
We're asking you about your hobbies, anything that you do, behaviors throughout the day. What is the blackest thing about you? And this is the answer from Kansai. Yasuda. I suck my pants. You do sag your pants. It's another physical thing about you. We were going more for, like, a behavior or an action of some kind.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Jabber... There it is. The most Jabberwocky thing about Kansai.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So Kansai, have you asked your girlfriend why she won't let you eat her pussy?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
She doesn't want you to watch it? Yeah. To watch it? Like, look at it or watch it? To look at it, yeah. Why would she not want you to look at it? You've felt it before. Do you think there's a reason why? Is it perhaps, you know, a little bit... Is there a little bit of ramen hanging out of the bowl? You know what I mean? Is there a little... Is it a little... That's possible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely incredible. Kansai Yasuda. I could talk to you absolutely forever. You are one of the easily the most amazing interviews in the history of the show with only two under your belt. Incredible. Thank you very much. That is the second ever appearance by Kansai Yasuda. And back to the bucket we go. How about one more time good and loud for Kansai Yasuda? All right. Back to the bucket.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. He goes by the name of Jimmy Moynihan, everyone. Jimmy Moynihan.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm proud to announce that it is a record. 309 human beings signed up. Yeah. All you gotta do, kids, make your own show. Do it every single Monday for 12 years. Make a big Netflix announcement, and you, too, will be bigger than ever. 309 humans, just absolute crackheads, hoping to get on stage.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What did you do after Willy Wonka gave you The Chocolate Factory? When did you change your name from Charlie to Jimmy Moynihan exactly?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
For rehab? Oh, yeah, great. I knew it, I knew it. Hell yeah. That's where you go.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, so when did you know you hit bottom and had to go to rehab? What was the low point in which you're like, Jesus fucking Christ?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
When I say you hit bottom, I wasn't talking about the sexual position. You were on Grindr just to look for guys with coke? Yeah. You weren't gay at all?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. If you don't get hard, that's how you know you're straight.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But I told my- I'd be friends with that guy too if he sucked my soft cock all the time. Why hang out with somebody that's going to just want to yap your ear off? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you could sit there on your phone, get some work done while just fucking enjoying a soft cock blowjob. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Some real talented comedians from all around the world mixed in here, no doubt, but the odds of us pulling one of them are so low. Absolutely so low. Most likely just a homeless, crazy person.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, that's the life. In Orlando, Florida, the sun's shining, you're just getting your fucking dick sucked, barely able to enjoy it. Yeah. In my parents' house, too. Wow on copious amounts of drugs. This isn't going anywhere. No, no, that's just for here. Nobody ever hears that this is a live show, and then it disappears. We got to get you a different wig next time.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So where were we going here? You knew you hit bottom when you were getting your dick sucked. It was soft. You're doing coke with a guy off Grindr. You became best friends.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's not a terrible rock bottom. But it was at that point in which you're like, I think I need to go to rehab.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Right. Do you have any relapses since then? Yeah, I relapsed two weeks ago. Oh, my goodness. Here in Austin, Texas? Right here in Austin, Texas. On dick or cocaine? Um, on cocaine. Right. So how did that happen? How exactly do you relapse?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
we all know it but we love it that's what the show is absolutely anything can happen they get a minute uninterrupted and then i conduct an absolutely insane improvised interview you know their time is up when you hear that cat 60 seconds is up they get a little more time or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear which rudely interrupts them and then the interview begins the whole thing is chaos and fun hopefully you guys ready to start tonight's show
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Fucking hell, Jesus Christ. So let me ask you this, because you seem like an energetic guy without Adderall.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
No, it's not. It's not a comedy show. You say the truth, and then we will make it funny, Jimmy. Go ahead.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
This is, you take the Adderall, you snort the Adderall, you take two Adderall, and then you add six grams of mushrooms. And then I ate six grams of mushrooms. All at like the same time. At the same time, right after the breakup.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Because I kind of, your bone structure, your eyes, your smile, I got to tell you, I see a little me in you. Yeah, I would love that. Both on Grindr. I see... I can see a correlation. And I don't ever do uppers of any kind. Ever. Ever. I tried once as a kid. I can show you the world, Tony. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe you can get him hard. Yeah, I bet I can. I bet I can.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
If he's anything like me, he's into people that look like him. All right. So let's talk about it. Yeah. Okay. Adderall up your nose, in your mouth, and six fucking grams of mushrooms.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, we're partying now, baby. Let's fucking go. What an episode so far. Let's talk about it. Keep going, Jimmy. The floor is yours.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
While they go wrangle that comedian from next door, we're going to start with a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. One of the juiciest little sweet boys to ever win a golden ticket. Make some noise. This is A Minute Uninterrupted by Jack Shaw.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Keep going with the story, Jimmy. Don't get sidetracked, Jimmy.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Again, don't try to make it funny, Jimmy. Keep going with the story, Jimmy.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I did not. Oh my God. This fucking guy's gonna come home, his dog's dead, his drugs are all gone. Jimmy! Hey, I didn't put my gun over here. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Jimmy, you're a funny guy. We could go on and on. This interview's gone a long time. Jimmy Moynihan has made his Kill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's that easy. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. He's been on this show multiple times before. It's been a while. Make some noise for Mike Eaton, everybody. It's a new minute from Mike Eaton. Where in the world is he? He's in the inside somewhere, we've been told. Where is Mike Eaton? Is he coming? Is that him? He's a big boy. Here he comes all the way from the back.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Here comes Mike Eaton, everybody, representing the inside, even though he is a comedian. This is interesting. You guys having a good time tonight? April 7th. Netflix premiere of Kill Tony. Make sure to mark it in your phones or whatever. Here he is one more time for Mike Eaton, everybody. Mike Eaton.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's been a while. Hello, hello. Yeah, it has. Very funny man. Congratulations.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Yeah. So, Mike, let's talk about it. What have you been up to since the last time you were on this show?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh my God. What goes better with an ice cream sponsorship than a CPAP machine? Isn't that insane? Incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Is the ice cream machine or is the ice cream sponsorship giving you money or just ice cream? Just ice cream, yeah. How much ice cream are you going through now?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What is, it's Mike Eatin' Ice Cream? It's called Eatin' Good. Wow, and it's spelled like your last name with an O. Yeah. Okay. What have you been doing for fun? What else, Mike? Tell us something crazy about your life. So recently I've been taking street Ozempic.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's why he's a frontrunner for guest of the year 2025, ladies and gentlemen. It is incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But also pretty funny. How soon after taking the loader, was it like immediate, the throw up? Yeah. We were in a parking lot.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You gave her the clown horn treatment? Oh. What kind of car is it? Paint the picture for us. Toyota Corolla. Oh, fucking disgusting. Oh, God. Disgusting. Jesus Christ. The story gets grosser and grosser. What year?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, God. Yeah. Now, has she sucked your dick pre-Street Ozempic? Is this the... No.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But see, you really think that perhaps because this was her first time doing that. So she had no, there was no. She couldn't have known that it was going to be that bad.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
have you uh have you perhaps taken a little uh i never have since the street ozembek no i well you know what we're gonna do we're gonna have you blow a load into a shot glass and we're going to have uh let me see here let's have the angry girl with east side bangs do it uh jesus oh yeah nothing has made her smile today it is absolutely incredible i can make you throw up
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right, we gotta keep it moving along. Mike, you already have a big joke book here, right? I do. Mike Eaton, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Some fun interviews today. It's that time that we get around to one of the legends of the show, ladies and gentlemen. This regular is one of the greatest regulars of all time.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
One of the youngest comedians to ever be a regular on this show, and every week writes and performs a brand new minute. This is the anomaly, the one and only, Ladies and gentlemen. Hell, yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The St. Paddy's Day special from Pam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Mama, we made it. We doing it, dog. We got the toilet paper with the bear on it. What were you using before?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Thank you guys so much. There you go. A minute from Jack Shaw. Let's jump right into it, Jack. You were able to get an acting manager? Yeah. Wow. How were you able to do that? Through my comedy manager. What's your comedy manager's name? Matt Sadiqian. Sadiqian? I got a nice Iranian.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
This is your chance to get tickets. for the show. It sells out. It sold out twice last year. And we are starting with August 16th. Tickets go on sale with a special artist presale this Wednesday, April 2nd at 10 a.m. using the promo code KILL2025. And then tickets will be on sale for everybody this Friday, April 4th. But I highly recommend you use the artist presale.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm guessing that's a problem for you. Is he Jewish? Yeah. No. Really? You have a non-Jewish... Someone like you has a non-Jewish... And how about your acting manager? Is that Jewish? Yes. Okay, there you go. Right on schedule.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Game respects game. Yes. Playing with your little dreidel down there. Absolutely adorable.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, all right. So you're really an actor, Jack? I didn't know this about you. Yeah, I've always wanted to act. You've always wanted to act. Have you ever done it before?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Your ex-girlfriend is now your ex-boyfriend. She became a boy. She became a man. Yes. How long ago were you dating her?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How long did you date her for? For like a year. Did you see any manly characteristics in her during that year?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What? There was nothing. There was no... She never tried to wear a strap on or anything like that. No.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Nothing manly at all. She never tried to pick up the tab or open the door for you or support you in any way, no matter what kind of day you were having.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Cam G, here you go. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Cam G, everybody. And it goes on and on. We're having fun here tonight. Oh, look at these two people are about to make out while going in and out of the bathrooms. Hello. Okay, this looks like a fun name, looks like a new name. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ankar Singh. Ankar Singh, here he is.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely incredible. And what'd you do on the commercial?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Jesus fucking Christ, you people. You invited me here. I know, I know, I know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Monkar Singh has reached his maximum time limit. Indeed. Hello. Welcome to the show.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, well, well, well. We finally found our fucking weak point.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And then you go, you have extra skin, you bitch. Yeah, that was it. Okay. Ankar Singh, so what ethnicity are you exactly? A temple of doom?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
We do that sometimes. We invite you people on trains and such. You might know. We take a free ride, dude. I know. So what'd you do on the commercial?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ankar Singh, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Two years in Houston. Yeah. Unbelievable. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. What kind of engineer are you? Aeronautics. Okay. What exactly do you do for aeronautics?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
On car. You've been doing it two years, all of it in Houston. Is that where you're born and raised? Yeah. You're born and raised in Houston. Your father work in oil?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, that's close. That's fucking close. Yeah, that counts. That is unbelievably close. How about your mom? What does she do?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And what do you like to do for fun on car? Typical Indian stuff?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I've noticed that Indian men tend to only date Indian women. Is that true in your case? Not me, no. I'll date anything but. Wow, anything but?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely unbelievable. Have you been with a black woman?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What kind of, I mean, how do you know it was her and not you?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Absolutely unbelievable. Where did you meet this girl, this black one-night stand? Doing comedy. Oh, okay. She's a comedian as well.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
We did. And is that your only time that you've been with a black woman? Yes, that was the only time. Okay, so tell us more about it. What did you notice being with a black woman that's different than being with a white woman?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Did you use a condom with her? Yes. How long do you think you lasted during that sexual experience? Like 12 or 13 minutes. That's a really exact number. I like that. Very honest. Very honest. If you could teach some of these other people how to answer questions during an interview, that would be amazing. That is a very honest answer.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Almost like you had your own timer going or something like that. Like a bomb of some kind. Ankar.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's Anstar. Yeah, that's a different thing. This is Ankar. Ankar.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I thought maybe there was an actual Nat Sherman that the cigarette was named after. Who knows? They are menthol. Ankar, what are some lifelong goals that you have that you want to accomplish before you die?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely incredible. Wow. Well, Ankar, welcome to the show. I like your style. Congratulations. Here's a big joke, but there you go. Good work, Ankar. Ankar has been doing it two years. This is a very, very lucky bucket pulled for me because this is one of my favorite, uh, one of my favorite top Young Rising comedians in the world. In an absolute coincidence. This has been happening lately.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How about other acting things? What else have you done acting-wise, Jack?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
A lot of the good, rock, solid comedians here at the Mothership have been signing up for the show. People that we all know and stuff like that because with the show's popularity growing, this is a place to fucking get seen and... to sell tickets. This guy has been opening up for me on the road lately, an absolute fun hang. We work together throughout the week here at the Mothership.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
One of the first people to move here from LA, one of my favorite humans in the world. So this is a brand new minute from Ahsan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ahsan Ahmad. I love it. Asan, you did it again. All the jokes that I would make about you, I made at the last guy, unfortunately. Temple of Doom, Al-Ala Akbar.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It is. Nine minutes later, at some point, at some point, the whole stage is going to completely collapse, and we'll never forget it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
He's not Hindu. Explain the difference to the mass of white people while you guys are done having your side conversation there. Explain the difference to everybody.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right. Still trying to... All right. Let's go for a fourth time here. What's the difference between the two of you? Explain it to the people that are just American that don't give a fuck about the real difference but are curious to know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And what do they do? It almost seems like a dig. I have no idea.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It almost seems like a dig. Like you're saying they don't have any discipline or anything like that. Like I've noticed this with Jewish people. Like they'll be like, well, our people fucking... Those Jews are... Are you doing that right now? Are you kind of hating on the other type of Indians? No, I'm not. Right, you wouldn't want to hate against them. Because you're Muslim.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ahsan, what else, buddy? What else is going on in this wacky world of yours?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That sounds like fun. That is incredible. I've met your parents before when we were on the road doing San Jose.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
They're nice people. Explain to these people what your parents are like.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Not to be confused with 7'11 or 9'11", which they're also completely responsible. 4'11 is a whole different thing. These people love the 11s. Yeah. Because they look like World Trade Centers. All right.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Totally blew it for that one. Wow. In a dream world, what kind of acting gig would you like to have? Oh, I really want to be in Star Wars. Really? What kind of character do you think you could play in Star Wars?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Walk this way, talk this way. Jamie's got a gun. All right. Little Aerosmith references. I love it, Ahsan. You are so much fun. I always love seeing you, man.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You currently have one of, I never do this to a comedian, And you might not want to. I'm kind of putting you on the spot. But you currently have one of my favorite jokes. Would you mind sharing it with these beautiful people out here? It might not work because I'm putting you on the spot. But it might destroy. I don't know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
God damn it, it worked. Who would have guessed? That is yet another appearance by the great Ahsan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. Ahsan, where can they find you? You have the podcast with Derek Poston.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That is E-H-S-A-N-A-H-M-E-D. M-A-D. M-A-D. That's how good of friends we are. Make some noise one more time for Hasan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. All right. This is what I would consider a perfect episode. Some compelling interviews, a couple light bombings, some returns of some people throughout the show, some great new faces.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Let's get one last bucket pull up here and then put a ribbon on this thing. Make some noise for what has to be the Kill Tony debut or else I would recognize the one word name of Nino, everybody. We're going to meet Nino together here. 60 seconds, then an interview from Nino.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You know, Nino, this has been a hell of an episode, I got to tell you. And I have never done this before in this show's illustrious history. There are some people that have won what's known as the golden ticket, where you can come back anytime you want.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
There's some people in the history of the show that were immediately made regulars, which means you have to write and perform a new minute every single week. Nino, you are the first person... to ever be deported immediately. Shit. Thank you, Tony. We are shipping you to wherever the fuck whatever language you just spoken came from. You do not get to pass go. You do not collect $200.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I don't know if you know this. I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America. Oh. And my connections are so rock solid that there's literally agents waiting for you immediately. These guys are nodding their heads because they know Yoni's giving a thumbs up right now. It is absolutely incredible. You just lost American citizenship live on the show. It is amazing.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Let's talk about you, Nino. How long you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. Where at exactly? All here in Austin. In Austin. Wow. That is amazing to me. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay. Wow. I'm going to put this little joke book down and follow up with some questions. What do you mean you set a homeless person on fire once? You might actually get deported. We are fulfilling the prophecy, ladies and gentlemen. I was kidding, and now it's becoming true.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
A Jewish Jedi. I can't really picture you doing that. Yoda. This is not the price you're looking for. Two for one you will sell me this at.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Nino, sign up again. Do a better minute next time, all right? You got three years under your belt, for the love of God, dude. Speak English. There he goes, Nino, ladies and gentlemen. And with that means that there's only one thing that can end an episode like this. William has taken this episode off. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I know, he needs some time off to prepare for the big upcoming show, but you know, we have a freak of nature here who almost never asks for a week off. This guy has the work ethic of a true American, even though he technically is not yet one, but soon he will be. I guarantee it. We're gonna trade Nino's citizenship in, make him a Mexican again, and this guy will take his place as an American.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I present to you the phenom, the undeniable, the one and the only, this is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matti!
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Running the Light by the great Sam Talbot. Amazing book. With two L's in the middle. Available everywhere. Forward by Doug Stanhope. No doubt about it. That's right.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Star Wars with you. Juju Banks over here. Or Jar Jar Banks also works.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
There's not even a logo on that shirt. It's a green T-shirt. Yeah, it's like the most St. Patrick's Day shirt to wear any day of the year. I would literally be like, what is it, St. Patrick's Day in Estonia?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'll be there March 29th. Come on. Well, Ari, anything else crazy we should know about before I let you go?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So, Jack, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, what's the name of this hotel? Yeah, what's the parking like?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's when it sold out last year. using the promo code KILL2025 at Ticketmaster.com. Very few tickets left for Nashville this Friday, and we're going to be there Saturday too. I think that's sold out. And London, England, June 7th. These are the episodes of Kill Tony in which you have a chance of getting tickets.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ari, you are a fucking sensation. Thank you so much. I love you. Everybody loves you. I love you, Tony. And we did it again, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Shopify, Bluetooth, Nick, Via, Open Phone, and Tacobas. We are going to London, England at the O2 Arena. There's still some, actually quite a bit of tickets left for night one of Nashville. I don't think people understand that
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Nashville, we added a show. There's a whole arena for sale. Yeah, so you can go see us in an arena in Nashville, Tennessee. And another huge announcement coming, probably will be out by the time you hear this. You know, maybe we're going back to New York, maybe to a specific venue at some point.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in, and it is absolutely incredible, of Sam Talent with Ian Edwards on, like, being beamed up, Sam Talent's an alien. Yeah. Running the Light is available in bookstores everywhere. How about one more time for Sam Talent? Thank you. And hey, real quick, Australia, the UK, I'm coming down there. UK, Australia, come to the shows. That's right.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Check out Ian Edwards' comic on YouTube and Instagram. I'm on tour. I'm going to be at the Honda Center in... The Maverick Center in Salt Lake City. I'm doing stand-up comedy in a couple arenas, ladies and gentlemen, which is absolutely insane for me. I'm going to try to do really, really good. So if you live near there, go to that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right, the show has begun. Jack, thank you so much. It has started with the stylings of Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen, and now we move on to the bucket. Funny material, funny material. Star Wars, we're talking Star Wars. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing better to just scrub the memory of Jack Shaw to your mind than the lovely Heidi, everybody.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And some other venues everywhere. Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun Arena, and some other places. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. Let's check in with the great artist, Chris Rogers, local artist, and it's Ari Matty as a leprechaun, a guy who literally hates St. Patrick's Day. Being represented, that's priceless. That's gonna be for sale after the show, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Love you guys. April 7th, we make our debut on Netflix, ladies and gentlemen. Make sure you watch it. Tell your grandparents to watch it, your parents, your cousins, your children. When you go to your buddy's house, put it on their Netflix, watch it. Sir, sit the fuck down, you creepazoid. Jesus fucking Christ. Watch it everywhere and then watch it again.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Just leave it on in the background sometimes. Put it on and then put it on again. That all counts. And that's it. We love you guys so much. Thank you. God bless America. And God bless planet Earth. You know what I mean? I love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Just the opposite of Jack Shaw, a strong Germanic woman All right, well, this name sounds like it could be one of Jack's agents or managers. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of JJ Lieberman, everybody. JJ Lieberman. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right, JJ Lieberman. A lot of information in a little under a minute. Absolutely incredible. Welcome, JJ. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah, first time. Absolutely. How old are you? I'm 44. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to have some goddamn fun tonight. Let's get it started while they wrangle that first bucket pool. I figure we'll get it started with a bang. I'm just going to say it. I always give this guy a huge intro. I always say one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. I'm going to say it right here, right now for the first time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Very fun set. Very relatable. We've all absolutely been there. We've all tried many different ways to suck our own dicks. A little fun fact, you know, this show's gone a long time. I don't really ever go backwards. I'm not one to reminisce, but Redman did remind me of the time in which he insisted that he could suck his own dick. And he said, yeah, we did it on the show.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I couldn't believe it, ladies and gentlemen. How close were you? Well, a fun fact is he took your second approach. He took the on the shoulders, fuck your own... It's a technique. I did it actually on stage. His hips.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
But I used to be able to touch the tip of it. He wasn't even close, by the way. It was like 17 inches away. I can't. I used to be able to do it, but it was just like, oh. You think you could do it right now? How many of you think Red Band should try it right now?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
How many of you think? This is the biggest moment. This has been the biggest year of his life. Two nights at Madison Square Garden. The LA Forum. The YouTube Theater. Resorts World. Oh, shit. The undeniable co-creator of the Joe Rogan experience. Let me show you how much fatter I am right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, Anthony, get all the cameras ready for this shit. Oh, my God. Again, we're going to need a yardstick to measure. He's cracking his back. He's doing some stretches that he's never done before. There is dust coming out of his loins right now. The man is made of... Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
This is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute. Getting us started tonight with a fucking bang. Make some noise for Martin Phillips. Yes. Here he is, live in the flesh, with an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Martin Phillips, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Dude wipes. The mint ones. He's good at that. He smells better than you would think, and his ass is cleaner than you would think. Ari, how's it going?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I have my own little Robin Hood in my head. Absolutely, a little Estonian Robin Hood. Does Estonia have like, I don't know, fucking like legendary stuff that they've made?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, the comedians are getting wild. They're starting to realize that... Here we go. Okay. Actually, maybe we are one of the more conservative podcasts.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They were smart to pick New Jersey. That's a great point. If that was Texas, we never would have heard that fucking news story. Got him! That would have been the first drone. All right, Ari. You did it again.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Let's go. We're doing the damn thing. Thank you, Kill Tony family. Bye. This show's running fucking long.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
There's only one thing we can really do at this point, because believe it or not, that's as fucking powerful as a comedy show gets. Three and a half hours of insanity, and now you've earned the final level. I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances, the Hall of Famer with the most interviews. Whatever you do, you do not want to leave.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
There's fun stuff happening as I present to you The Round Rock Robin. The H-E-B Wasp. This is the Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. Lights out. Williams.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I couldn't have said it better myself. The red goat. The ginger... giant William Montgomery. It's almost New Year's!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You always go all out for all these big shows. You were dressed up real nice last night. There was an unbelievable outfit tonight, an unbelievable outfit. Is that the New Year's baby?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Last night, you were an Asian woman in a kimono and a hat, as we see up there. You look beautiful looking at yourself right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It's never going to stop. You know what I want to do? I want you to stay up here. I want to bring up all the regulars and all the golden ticket winners, if I can, that were on earlier. And I want to bring up one more person. One of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin, one of the big reasons why I moved to Austin is because I already had friends here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Ron White, Joe Rogan had recently moved here. and one of my longest friends, long-term friends that I've had in Austin, huge comedy fan, and one of the best musicians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring up Austin's own Gary Clark Jr.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And let's get out of here with a fucking rock song. Let's all sing it together. We're still an hour 15 away from midnight, so I figure we'll do a fucking rock and roll song with the man himself, guest of Kill Tony, the man.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Make some fucking noise for Martin Phillips, Liz Splatt, Uncle Lazer, Aaron Belial, Casey Rocket, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Brian Holtzman, Drew Nickens is here, Valerie Vaughn, Andrew Dice Clay, Sarah Sloan, Heidi is here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And in normal tradition, as we go off, we're going to show you the next arena that we're going to. Goes for sale. Here, roll that video, Anthony. We love you. Thank you. Love you guys!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The drawings from Ryan J. Ebel and Chris Rogers are in. Let's see them. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for Gary Clark Jr. John needs Marcus Cake. Welcome to Austin, Texas, the greatest city in the world, in the greatest country. USA! USA! Notorious Productions, Anthony, Brian, TJ, fucking everybody. Austin, Texas, we love you guys so much. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Martin Phillips with exactly one minute. Like a fucking surgeon, as always.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The Roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history. Holy shit. Ever.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, dude. It is incredible. That turtleneck goes great with your turtle legs. Turtle body. Hell yeah. Is there a medallion on that necklace? There might be something in the back. I think it's behind you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Fuck yes. But yeah, I just went with it, so. That is some rock star shit. You were already at Walmart because you're the greeter there, right? Yeah, yeah. Hey, good benefits. Good benefits. I love it. Martin, how's life been going? How are your holidays and whatnot?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I think you may have accidentally kicked a power cord when you were on your way out. Their power's out today in Puerto Rico.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love it. Was it a Puerto Rican woman or was it a dumpster that you fucked?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Did you notice anything different about a Puerto Rican woman than, you know, say, another? IG? Good question, Red. All right, Red Band, very good. I'm sure there's a sound effect you could have hit instead of... Yeah, come on.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Absolutely. Did she have a few drinks in her? Who was walking the straightest by the end of this?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
She's lying. She wasn't Puerto Rican then. Okay. Okay, again, red band. Stick with the... buttons over there. Jesus Christ. Red Bin's comparing every Puerto Rican woman to the hookers that he's been with. How much did she charge you before she left? I love it. Well, Martin, you absolutely crushed. Way to get it started right from the top. Absolutely 100% great sets. The guy bats 1,000.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He's basically the fucking Bill Goldberg of the show. He plays like a champion. He might not walk like one, but he plays like one. Oh, I know what that sound is. That's the lovely Heidi, everybody. The real fucking deal. Oh, my God. I see the Latino guy in the white hoodie crying another tear like he did when The Undertaker came out. Amazing. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And how about a hand for the great Valerie Vaughn, everybody? She joins us at all the arenas. Two legends. Okay, this looks like a very fun name to begin the bucket pool portion of the show. Again, we don't know these people anything can happen, obviously. You guys know how this works. Could be a crazy person.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I will say that in these arenas, there's a crazy ratio of people that absolutely eat shit on stage in an arena. It happens a lot. A lot of people sign up randomly. They've only done it a few times. But who knows? Tonight might be the night that that trend changes and we find stars. You guys ready? Your first comedian, your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of What the Hector.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh boy, that was close. Is that what you were going to talk about? Yeah, I was. That was going to be your set no matter what happened tonight? No matter what, and then he came out.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah. You were close to your wildest dreams coming true there, what the Hector. I saw him backstage. He's tall as hell. I didn't know he was that big, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those guys are big. And you're Mexican. Yeah. Welcome to reality. And I'm wearing boots. I had a little extra, like two, three inches extra on me, you know? Oh, you are wearing, look at those little tiny boots.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
China. Yeah, Red Band, you got Red Band over here mumbling in my left ear. She has really big labias. Chyna had really big labias. Did you know that? Chyna had big labias. I'm like, Red Band, we are doing a show in an arena. You're talking about the woman's pussy who we mentioned for a second. It's the unprofessional shit I have to deal with.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Comedy history! There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago? Yeah! What the fuck is going on? Dean Madness is laughing at me? I mean, wow, you look stunning tonight, Will, yeah.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I sit next to a train wreck every week on this show. Uh, what do you do for work? Um, I help my dad out doing a tire repair and tow truck. Okay. You are indeed Mexican. Yeah. That confirms it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hell yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen out there? Repairing cars on the side of the road in Pecos.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No. What do you mean? James McCann with his iconic no. We don't know what you mean.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wait, stop. Slow down. James McCann is correct. First of all... I stole two cats, all right? Okay, wait. This is getting way out of control. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is the most Latino shit I've ever heard in my life. You stole cats to watch for rats...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, 2025 is going to be different, buddy. You got 20 more days exactly before your tire shop is in Pecos, Mexico. No, I'm kidding. Is your dad a legal citizen? Yeah, he's legal. Is he really? He's really.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow. Can you do a black voice? I can't. I could try. Yeah, try. I like it when people can't and then they try. Know what I'm talking about? What the fuck? Wow. I just found out there's no black people in Pecos, Texas, everyone. That's your black impression? Know what I'm talking about? Hey, I'm a black guy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What's your love life like? You out there burning rubber? Yeah, burning rubber. Because of the tires? Yep.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, they're booing the laws of their state. Well, Hector, congratulations. Have you ever signed up for the show before? My first time was at Skankfest, very recently. I got on there over there. First bucket pool there, too. Oh, you were on there. Okay. Well, congratulations. It was good to see you. What size joke book did you get there?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Well, you know what, buddy? I'm gonna give you a medium-sized one here tonight. Oh, he didn't catch it. Wow. Unbelievable. There he goes. What the Hector, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I don't know if you guys noticed this, but the Mexicans get special music from the Mexican portion of the band when they get played off. A little fun fact, if you haven't noticed.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to get another special treat up here. This is a young lady who you've seen before on this show. She works at the Comedy Mothership. She's been out on the road with me and a bunch of the great comedians, truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. We were all drinking a couple weeks ago, and it just came up that her family was coming into town tonight.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Her parents are here. And I love this young lady. I truly think she is one of the future top best comedians in the world. Let's see what she does tonight. This is a brand new minute from Liz Splat, everyone. Liz Splat. We love Liz. Make some noise for Liz, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you. , , , , , ,, in the. P P P P P P G實 ac , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a a
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Uncle Lazer, everybody. Uncle, uncle, uncle. Look at you. Howdy. How's it going? What is that animal around your neck?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
That's the second husky we've had on stage. Liz Splat was here earlier. Oh, shit. How's your New Year's, Tony? We're having fun. What are you, conducting the fucking interview? No, I just was simply asking a question.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
How's your New Year's going, Lazer? How's your holidays? What does a guy like you do exactly other than crystal meth? Oh, Jesus Christ. The spirit of the wolf.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The best damn band in the land. Jamming extra hard, extra long, arena style for you. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Make some noise for him. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Chicken Enchilada. That's Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Joining us tonight, truly one of the biggest stars in all of music.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I was hoping fucking Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Have you gotten anyone pregnant? Are there any nephew lasers out there? All we can do is pray. Wow, amazing, uncle. So what do you got planned for 2025? You've been touring a lot. You've been working really hard.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you. I couldn't have said it better myself. Until later tonight, in the mirror, like I do every night, I look directly at myself and I say, Tony, you built the fucking culture. No, I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love you, Uncle Lazer. Congratulations. You did it. We're going to keep flying through it. There he goes. Uncle Lazer, which brings us to bucket pool number three. I feel like this is a new name, but we may have seen it before. Oh, my God. How about these lovely ladies and this sausage fest that we've had? We've had nothing but dudes and a chick with a clit the size of half a thumb.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank God for Heidi and Valerie. For those of you out there that are into beautiful women. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Joe Barnholt, everyone. Bucket pool number three is Joe Barnholt. One more time for Joe.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
All right, Joe Barnholt, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Okay. Do you have anything that you would do tonight if you were a 16-year musician?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You need a guitar to do it? I mean, it helps. Okay, do we have that extra guitar somewhere? D-Madness, you see a guitar anywhere back there? Marcus just left. Oh, we got it. Okay, we're gonna give this guy a shot. Oh, yeah. Gives us a chance to look at the lovely Heidi one more time. My goodness. A modern-day Vanna White, if you will.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I think he's going to be recognized as one of the truly the biggest stars in the world. That's Marcus King. He joins us every New Year's here in Austin. We got the rest of the usual band, the great and powerful Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Indeed, the leader of it all, John Dees on the keys. And no doubt about it, let him hear you, it's Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You suck, dude. Fair. Love it. You suck. We're going to get you out of here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Red Bannon for me in the middle of your set that it's a famous Jim Gaffigan joke that whole milk is spicy. You ever seen Jim Gaffigan before?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What size joke book did you get last time you were on? I got a big joke book. You did? Well, you should use it. Joe Barnholz, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to keep it moving fast tonight. We're going to get through it. He's already been on. But in this moment, we shall get yet another legendary golden ticket winner on the show. You know him. You love him.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He got picked up from this show to be on America's Got Talent, which is how backwards the industry is, that they are now finding people for AGT, for Netflix, for everything here on the show that you guys watch every Monday. We find the people. This is the return of Aaron Belial, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. Smart. Started his entrance early. Gives me enough time to fucking kill some time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
While he sets up. Bluetooth. Blue suit. Aaron Belial, everybody. Make some fucking noise for him. Come on.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
doing some fucking next level shit over there, using other voices, making your own clips, writing the bits in other people's voices. That makes fucking sense. That's cool as hell. Awesome. How's it going, Aaron? You dress the part in everything. You look like a politician. Even your arms is crooked as a politician right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you, Aaron. You fucking son of a bitch. You know, you can go out and get some sun sometime, Aaron. You can wobble your ass out to a golf course sometime and maybe drive the cart or something. Maybe you can caddy. Maybe I could use you as a fucking holster. I can't really do the thing. I know. I know. You remember that. Fuck you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
unbelievably exciting stuff in store tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know what's great about this show is sometimes it's the fucking biggest fucking comedians in the world. Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Aaron Belial. That's true. Look at this guy. Unbelievable what's happening here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love you too. I love you. Wow, you're switching voices a lot over there. Do you have a black voice on there?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, he's got one. He's very excited. This motherfucker's got body language in all capital letters. When he's got something, he fucking says, I got something like that. I got that shit. Watch this. He's fucking, look at him typing. Look how fast that thumb flies when you ask for a racist Asian accent. Joe DeRosa. I'm not this fast with a phone.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
My God, you're crazy. What are you, Alec Baldwin with that trigger? I'm talking now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my. I'm talking now. Okay, all right.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, I don't say that. Thank you, Aaron. That's gonna be a fucking, that's gonna be a new conspiracy theory. Just because you're bent like that doesn't mean you have to be retarded. I'm not like you. I don't say the N-word. Shut the fuck up. You've never heard me say the N-word. You've heard me say every other racial slur that there is.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
But you've never heard me say the word, will you keep that fucking thing up? What are you, crazy? No, I can't do it now. It's fucked up. It would have been fucked up. It would have been more racist than me saying the N-word.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No. No, that's not how it works. When you see my hand go this way, that means you turned your fucking volume up.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm a chicken. Okay, Aaron, what the fuck were you going to say three minutes ago? It is no longer relevant. Nothing. Okay, perfect. Everything good? Is this your first New Year's in Austin? I can't remember. Is this your first time in America on a New Year's Eve? What do you guys normally do in Canada for New Year's Eve?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That was me. At a glance, what looking at me makes you think...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No. Homeless people probably target you because they think you're a fucking zombie walking towards them in the dark, just fucking... Yeah. I would target you, too.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Last night we had both of the guests of the year, the newest one, Harlan Williams, last year's winner, Adam Ray. Part of the problem with this show is we make these guys so goddamn famous that everybody has gigs on New Year's Eve nowadays. And a lot of people are sick right now. I don't know what kind of lab leaks they're planning for this inauguration, but...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Aaron Belial. He's pointing at me. That's racist. Okay. He's been out of Canada a while, but not long enough to accuse people of being racist and using slurs that they don't use. It's such a liberal thing. What else is going on, Aaron? Let me type it out first, and then I will tell you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Fuck that bitch. Oh shit. Oh, Anthony, that is just wrong. Anthony, the director, found a girl with a bunch of Botox and did a reaction shot there. That is wrong. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Is that the homeless person on the pizza box, Aaron? Look at that fucking... Oh, my God. Halloween on New Year's Eve. Absolutely incredible. It's a hybrid.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You're on fire, Aaron. You did it again. What else? Anything else? You fucking crushed. You did it. Great interview.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, okay. For those of you that don't know, Joe got his dick sucked by a tranny two skank fests ago. If you're wondering why everybody keeps saying that Joe loves trannies.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Well, Aaron, you were great. You did it again. I love you. We love you. The people love you. Aaron Belial. Wobbling his way to the mountaintop every step of the way. And indeed, this is bucket pool number four. We're about to go back-to-back bucket pools. Your first one here, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Vik Shivdasani. Vik Shivdasani is the fourth bucket pool. You guys having fun out there?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Make some fucking noise. Oh, shit. This is a fucking wild episode. Make some noise for Vik Shivdasani.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The best part of this show is that I believe that we truly have a reputation for putting people on panel that are the future before they even get as big as they're going to get. They are here always, and then you watch them become superstars internationally. and everywhere streaming and this and that. And this is the type of booking that I chose for tonight.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to save you from the Undertaker coming out here. Stop. That would be just so depressing if the Undertaker threw you in the middle of the fucking arena right now. This is crazy. The balls on these handicapped people that keep running the time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He also thought that the floor would hit harder from the third story. So your third story apartment, what happened exactly?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
22 years old. Man, that is just a ripe time to drink too much. How much do you think you had to drink that night?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
There you go. Okay, so you're back at an after party, third floor apartment, and what happens?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Your father drove the cab. My uncle. There you go. Okay, so you took cabs. I can't imagine how that applies to the story, but now you're back at the apartment.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Unbelievable comedic timing by RedBan on the shot, shot, shots. Again, that's about 40 seconds after he said 12 drinks. But great. We're getting to the climax of the story. Hey, keep going. Maybe you'll fall off a fucking third story balcony.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You're leaning over the balcony at the most unbelievable time for a very loud noise. Go ahead, Vic.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
This is unbelievable. This is incredible. I love how silent this arena can get. You're welcome. The story in which I feel like everybody's thinking like, oh, fuck, that could have been me when I was 22. It certainly could have been us.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
So nobody noticed that you had fallen off. You kind of woke up and came to. You have a bloody nose. Could you feel your legs or anything?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow, if you would have landed on the sprinkler, you would have been the best smelling Indian man that any of us saw.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow. And how old are you now? I'm 40. Okay, what do you do for a living? I am actually... You make street food. With your hands, you make sure your hands get into everything, and they touch your feet and shit sometimes. That's what you people do. Every single one of you. Except for the cool Vivek guy. He seems clean and nice. Okay, all right. Okay, again, that has nothing to do with anything.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I said, let's fucking go Renegade style. Our last show of the year in Austin, Texas. I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year. So, I'd like you to get as loud as you can for tonight's guests, two of the funniest comedians in the world.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No shit. What's your love life like? Can your dick get hard? Um... It's what everybody wants to know. It's true. It's true.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hard as I rock. You are Indian? I am Indian. Are your parents, like, strict Indians or whatever? They wanted you to be an engineer? Accountant. Oh, an accountant. Well, they can count on you never walking again. Do you get to see them a lot? Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Do you have anything fun that you do in your wheelchair? You play wheelchair basketball? I play wheelchair basketball.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
That's incredible. I love it. Wrecker is a weird name for a basketball team in wheelchairs because that's how a lot of them get in the wheelchairs.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It is. It's like women with big natural tits running into a woman with big fake tits.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Ah. That makes sense. I get it now. Yes. Wow. Damn, I would have thought it would be the other way. I would have thought that the people born without the ability to walk would be like, you know, fuck you, at least you had a chance or whatever. I wouldn't have fallen off a balcony or whatever. I can't even see over the fucking bar to get 12 drinks in the first place.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Like, I think they would have a lot of built-up inner anger. Do you have a girlfriend or a wife? No, I don't. Okay, you go dating a lot? Here and there. I get lucky sometimes. Okay. Yeah, you seem like a good-looking, likable guy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm from South Texas, but I moved here in the summer. Okay. Have you kissed a girl in Austin since living here? I have not. Whoa!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Well, my dear friend, Vik, V-I-K, it just so turns out that we have the best fan base here in the world. Is there a beautiful Austin woman out there that's willing to come up here and give Vik a big kiss? Anyone? Is there a woman? There's a bunch of dudes raising their fucking hands for some reason. Is that one right there with the glasses? Yeah. Yeah. You with the glasses. Is that you? Oh, shit.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Look at this one. Look at that, Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss. This looks like a real Austin woman. Misplaced tattoos. Keep coming. Keep walking, lady.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It's happening, Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss from what appears to be Uncle Lazer's aunt. This is incredible. She has a bunch of tattoos. This is a real Austin girl, Vic. Let's go. You play for the Wreckers. She looks like she plays for the Home Wreckers. This is very exciting. Oh, shit. Here she is. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, yeah. That's fucking fun. Here you go. Here's a big joke book, you crazy slut. Fuck yeah, absolutely.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
This is crazy. I'm being told, I'm being told from the great director that we might have a slow motion replay of that kiss. Wow. Look at the tongue action happening here. He could take away your legs, but he could not take that mouth away. Dear God. That is an aggressive, you guys are both nasty fucks. You guys are fucking tonight for sure.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Except your whole family's actually gonna notice that right when it happens. They're not gonna leave you. You might end up waking up next to a sprinkler again, Vic. You're gonna have a hell of a night ahead of you. They might have to rename this place the H-E-E-B Center after what... All right. There's a big joke book. First guy to catch it tonight. How about that?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow, just insulting some of the greats. Okay, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belial are about to officially jump you when you get off stage. They have the ability to put a... They're about to put a fucking stick in your spokes of your wheels. Bucket pool number five. It is that time, ladies and gentlemen. Straight to another bucket full. Make some noise for her.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
On panel, on New Year's Eve, in a fucking arena. One's a little Australian swordsmith now living his dreams.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brittany Ogata. Brittany Ogata. Here we go. Brittany Ogata. One more time for Brittany, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
All right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to save you again. We're saving people tonight. Oh, nice. There it is. Oh, boy. You came out guns a-blazin' with an excuse. Don't know how I'm going to follow that. And I knew right then and there that you were going to fucking suck. It's okay, though.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Fuck yeah, welcome James. I'm going to jump right into it. Yes! Thank you for having me. And your other guest tonight, he was with us at Madison Square Garden. Truly a brother who I have fucking... you know, just done everything with over the past 18 years. I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel, one of the funniest humans in the world.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, it's okay. That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say and look like. I had some laughters. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up, Brittany? This is my first time. What made you want to sign up tonight? Okay, got him back on your side. Joe DeRosa comes running back because he thinks you're trans.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your first time doing stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
People are begging for The Undertaker to come out and beat the shit out of a woman. This is absolutely incredible. I hope he does. This is incredible. I've never seen anything. I did not think this is how the show would go. Okay. How long have you been with your husband?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Are you guys booing this because you think I'm going to bring up the husband? Why are you booing her husband? I'm confused. What were you doing to the comedians during the show?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband? I keep saying The Undertaker. I'm not bringing up The Undertaker. It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up and bombed.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
People really want to see it, though. This is incredible. Okay, I'm going to save you. I'm going to save everybody right now. Is there any hilarious thing about you? There you go. That's her time. This is a very, very, very... Good on you! This is the smallest joke book I could find. There she goes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Joe DeRosa, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
A veteran of the show, multiple-time guest, very funny man. Him and I make fun of each other a lot. We go back and forth, two of my favorite drinking buddies.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yes. Shane is sick. Uh... Um, RFK Jr. even has COVID. You can't make it up. The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Jr., somehow has COVID.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Look, we're going to have a hilarious episode. I have so many surprises wired in. You guys are two of the funniest. Who needs fame when you got funny?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They don't do that in Australia. They don't have a chair in the bedroom just in case you want to... It doesn't always point directly at the bed. It's like a... It's a chair where you're supposed to like, I don't know, take your shoes off. Watch your wife get fucked by another man.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What's an Australian thing that's in a bedroom that's not in an American bedroom?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Tim, what's the craziest thing we'd be surprised to know about you that, uh, since the last time you've been on this show a couple years ago?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Let's sit down and have a conversation, my friend. Welcome to another episode of Whoa DeRosa. Let's talk about it. Take us through the evening. Nice and slow. Don't just go straight to like the, so she's coming down the back of my throat. Like, where did you see her? Where did you meet her? Take it nice and easy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
So you and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
By the way, I just want to take a moment. About 20 seconds ago, there was a guy on the final thing when I said, so you and your girl had a girl with a dick come over and some guy over there goes, gay. Like, it's like, where have you been the last seven minutes, sir? Did you just wake up? Is that Vic landing from the third floor again? He's like, gay. What's a sprinkler doing next to me?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Right. Okay, so the woman comes over, you throw a con, you guys just get right to it, is there any small talk? There's drug use. Okay, what kind of drugs? Coke is what I was on. Okay, and the hooker, the trans hooker did coke as well?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And it's true. James McCann was one of the only comedians to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally when Johnny Knoxville and Donnell Rawlings ran for the hills and said they can't do it. No, they're great. You can't blame them. Those guys expect to make more movies in the future. Nobody knew which direction the election was going at that time. I don't blame them.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah. That's incredible. You're a wheelchair away from being Lieutenant Dan. Okay, so the hooker comes over. You and your girlfriend do drugs. The hooker refuses your drugs, starts slowly putting on a condom. No, they hang out.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, just an unlocked thing that I know I like now that I can't... A lot of guys are sobering up out there, realizing that this guy's out there sucking cocks and that they don't like that. How much money did you make, though?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Is the clip findable somewhere? No. Oh, okay. Red Band was trying. I wanted to help. Can you go backwards on Chatterbait Red Band? You know. You already have a joke book? No. Here you go. Fuck my dick! Well, no, that's another person's job. There goes Tim Hill, everybody. Oh, boy. This place is about to go crazy again. Uh-oh.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Another person who wasn't here last night who just got into town today is yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. A guy absolutely, I believe, second place for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, a roast god.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I can't believe you know what a tomato is. That's a vegetable with nutrients in it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
God damn it. You are on fire already. A little bit. Look at you. You look like somebody's fucking teddy bear ate everything.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Before I was a blatant Republican, the only elephant that supported me was you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Have you not tried Ozempic? Are you allergic to it or something? What's going on? You haven't tried it? You know there's an easy way around this now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He wouldn't stop these fucking New Yorkers over here. Are you sure you're okay? The news says you're not okay. MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now. I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette. Shut the fuck up. I'm fine. But we're having fun tonight. Truly two of my favorite humans. We're gonna have a blast, I promise you. I'm gonna pre-pool a name.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
If David lived in a glass house, he wouldn't be able to lean against any of the walls.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
David Lucas is only here because when he heard H-E-B Center, he thought he was going to the best grocery store ever.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm going to send a kangaroo to beat your ass. This is incredible. You really get groceries delivered? Yeah. Are they done drive-by style? What do you order, Tony? You know me, sausage right up my ass. Organic. As long as it's organic. Hell yeah. No condom. So, David, how's life been going? You've been on the road. You've been traveling around. Yes, sir.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You're a fucking monster. An absolute beast. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Make some fucking noise for the great and powerful David Lucas. You might as well... My man. One more time for David, everybody. Again, Hall of Famer, legend. And speaking of legends, let's just go back-to-back chaos before we get back to this bucket. You guys want back-to-back chaos?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You guys know how this show works. Yeah, the bucket is what makes it. We could find the next star here. Anything can happen. You know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Or else they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry... Wait a second. Wait a second.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I present to you, here to grace us with his presence, it's unbelievable. Just like The Undertaker being here, this is so surreal for a fucking young punk like myself that fucking started when I was younger thinking, who knows where this can go.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Here to do an appearance on this show, ladies and gentlemen, the first comedian to ever sell out an arena, one of the greatest of all time, I present to you, this is indeed the return of Andrew Dice Clay!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You are in it. The vortex of fucking chaos that is Kill Tony in its hometown in an arena.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You guys having fucking fun tonight or what? We're going back to the bucket. Somebody has to follow the first comedian that ever did an arena straight out of a bucket. Could be you. One minute uninterrupted to the seventh bucket pool of the night that goes by the name of Cameron Altman, everybody. Cameron Altman. Make some noise for Cameron, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Okay, I'm going to save you immediately, Cameron. Cameron Altman, welcome, welcome. How are you? Doing well, Tony. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Okay, all of it here in Austin? No, in Denver, actually. Okay, well, welcome from Denver. Is that where you're originally from? No, I'm originally from Oklahoma. For those of you listening, there is nothing this guy can do more to be hated by this audience. I'm trying my best. No, Oklahoma sucks. It's a bunch of pedophiles. You're doing a good job. Keep trying. Cameron, take a step forward.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They hate Oklahoma. Do they like touching children? No. What do ghosts say? Okay, Red Band, thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It is, especially when you don't have material and your eyes are closer than Clinton and Epstein.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Traumatic brain injury at two. My brother threw a rock at my head. Oh, my God. All right, the crowd isn't having it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Calling for a slow-mo replay of that book hitting him. I'm wondering how long it'll take. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Where's it at here? Here it's going to come. Oh, Jesus Christ. Give it to me one more time, Anthony. It's just too good. Oh, look at this. We happen to have the production team from the UFC here. Oh, yeah, right. Oh, my God. Wow. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I mean, his fingers weren't even close. The throat is incredibly accurate, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and look at the reaction time. That is a true traumatic brain injury. He blinks seconds after it hits him. Oh, and he tried to catch the rebound. Not even close. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be the first arena show ever to watch the cause of a suicide happen in real time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm going to change the tone of this room yet again, everybody. Don't worry, you booing people. This is a very emotional audience. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a freak of nature that makes writing and performing a new minute look like a casual fucking putting butter on your toast in the morning.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I present to you one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everyone.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Austin's own The Undertaker, Mark Calloway. The Six Feet Under podcast, which I've done. Make some goddamn noise for the great, the powerful. What a surreal moment this is. You comedians better stick to your fucking time tonight. I'm warning you right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They also never seen a black person in Boston. Yeah. They're like, here you go, black man. We're gonna teach you some tricks. It's a water cup. We have a replay of it. Let's see the replay of your, what you consider your lowest moment in comedy history. Very proud right there.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love it. I haven't seen you since WrestleMania. You're the fucking man. This is a childhood dream. For those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows, The Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the Bucket of Destiny for as long as we can remember. So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size, real actual Undertaker here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Tony Hinchcliffe, don't sell that man short right there. Thank you so much. It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight. Super surreal fucking moment. I think for everybody, I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face when you came out. There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s. I love it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We shocked the world with this one. 60 seconds, right? That's all they get? That's all they get. Or else I'm pretty sure you throw them back to where they came from. I'm right here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Make some noise for the fucking Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen. Keeping everybody in line tonight. You can't make this shit up. God damn it. Look how cool this is. You got a nerd boner, don't you? I'm telling you. I have to host a show while living my own Make-A-Wish. This is incredible. God damn, what a cool show this is. Who came up with this idea?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Holtzman, everybody. A legendary set. Make some noise for him, everybody. The great, the powerful Brian Holtzman is back. Let's go back to back chaos. You guys like back to back chaos? Let's do it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I present to you another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a man who needs no introduction at all, but I'm giving it to him anyway in the way of saying that this man will indeed be a citizen of the United States of America.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Bill Rhodes. Welcome, Bill. How are you? You just confessed to a lot of half-crimes there. Yes, sir. So what did you do?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So what exactly did you say that got you in trouble? Did they see your nipple piercings through your shirt?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Thank you, Mr. President. Unbelievable. Looks like you've had a few football fields worth of fruit. That's funny. Some of my old football players are actually out here somewhere tonight. When you say old football players, what exactly do you mean?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
My son and some of his former... Were you really a coach or is it like the... Are you just saying you're a coach like the... Wow. Yeah, Tim Walsh. I forgot his name and I love that I already forgot that guy's name. Tim Waltz said that he was a football coach. Turns out he wasn't.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What exactly made you want to get your nipples pierced? Midlife crisis, I don't know. How long have you had those through your nips? About maybe a year. Wow. Who made you do it? Was it when you got fired from being a teacher because of being on Kill Tony? Yeah. Really?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. What a white trash-off you and your daughter were having there. What's your daughter's OnlyFans? Red Band. Hey, hey, hey, come on. Come on, Red Band. You can't ask what is your daughter's OnlyFans. Send me the link. Call me in two years. Okay, very good.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, you can keep it. So what are you doing for work nowadays, Bill Rhodes?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I love it. I love it. And what else has been going on? How do you fill the daytime that you used to spend in schools? Are you still on that same sleep schedule now that you're no longer a teacher and a full-time comedian?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So when you came home with nipple piercings, was your wife excited about it? Yeah, she's into it. Did she suck on them?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Matt Muehling, also on the electric. John Dees on the keys. And that is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. Holy moly. How exciting is this? How many of you traveled to be here in Austin, Texas today? You know, everybody says it. Everybody says it, but I really mean it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Look at that. I thought he was going to say he graduated high school three months ago. It would have all made sense.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That is quite the flap. Have you ever tried to stick anything fun back there?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know what? Just for that, you're getting a big joke book. Thank you, Tony. There he goes, Bill Rhodes, the first bucket pool of the night. And like that, it has begun.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We're gonna go back to the bucket in just a second. But before we do, we have the return of an old character on this show. Someone that we haven't seen in a very, very long time. Because this young buck, who's gonna do a new minute, put his golden ticket on the line a year ago versus Hans Kim and lost in a best out of three super tournament minute by minute competition.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is the long-awaited return of former golden ticket holder, Rick Diaz.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We have the best damn fans in the world, true fans of real comedy, the backbone of free speech here in the greatest country on planet Earth. Isn't it amazing that we could get together to hear some filthy fucking chaos on a Monday night, sold-out arena, Second annual sold-out arena the night before New Year's Eve. I'm fucking pumped. You guys know how it works.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's been a long time, Rick. How's it going? It's been a long time, sir. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you. You look exactly the same, just as thin and malleable as ever. I am beautiful, breakable piece of human flesh. I am very brittle. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
President Biden, what do you think about America's current gun laws?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay, sure. Read the letter. All right. It's definitely nothing I've never fucking heard before.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Before we get it started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Tonight's episode is brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. We love them, our longest-standing sponsors here in Austin, Texas. They're somewhere in one of the suites. Shout-out to Jonathan and all of our great friends over there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's actually true. I seem it from far away. Then you get to know me. Yeah. And I'm not at all.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Is it worth it? It's pretty worth it. Okay. Rick Diaz, finishing the letter any second now.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Screw that law firm. Exactly. You almost had a bunch of stupid liberal lawyers.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, Rick, you did it. You made your return. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Diaz. I appreciate you. Back to the bucket we go.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And they are having a special deal at the Yellow Rose tonight. If you show them your ticket stub from tonight, no cover charge at the Yellow Rose. How cool is that? So, laughter. fat tits in your face, you get it all. What's better than that? I get that every time I sit next to Red Band. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what, huh?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right. Your next bucket pool. Bucket pool number two goes by the name. Oh, there's the great Valerie Vaughn. Heidi with some drinks. You gotta love it. These ladies have been with us through many arenas. Now, how about another hand for Heidi and Valerie, huh? All right, your next bucket poll, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Thomas E. Miller. Thomas E. Miller, everybody. And here we go.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I, uh... Hold on a second, Thomas. Guys, I forgot to say this earlier. Save your booze until the end of the set. Keep going, Thomas.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I guess we sent you out in the wrong order, so. Are you okay? Man.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So Jacob, let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? You can probably guess this is my first time. Okay. What did you try to talk about tonight? What was the goal? The goal... Right into the tip of the microphone. Okay.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What made you want to start stand-up comedy tonight in an arena, not having a joke, a story, any hobbies, or anything about you in the world? What made you choose, like, I'm going to go up there and I'm going to not show them? Yeah. Yeah. Why do you, like, come up with this idea of, like, maybe if I go up there and do everything backwards, this will be great for everybody?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, tonight we have three guests, ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna bring them out one by one. Does that sound like fun or what? Your first guest has this year taken the show over by goddamn storm, instantly becoming one of our favorite guests in the entire show's history. Make some goddamn noise.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know him from a lot of your favorite movies, his podcast, and the unbelievable appearances on Kill Tony. Make some noise for the great Harlan Williams. Do you want to say something?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
, , , , , , ,, in P P P P P P P P P, ac la ac la ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ac g ac little P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P e .P e .G e ,G e ,G e ,G e , e , e , e , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Let's go. Harlan Williams, your second guest. is not only a Hall of Famer on this show, not only, I mean, he's just taken over the entire industry this year of comedy, but he is still, as of this day, the current reigning President of the United States of America. This is Joe Biden!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Get up there, baby. Oh, here we go. President Joe Biden. We've seen this before, folks.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Uh-oh. Here we are, the second time. Biden versus Spivak. The drones.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. There's something there. There's something behind these crazy eyes.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. I gotta tell you, this is one of my favorite book tosses in the history of the show that's about to happen right now. Very rarely do I get to warn people how exciting this is about to be.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay. So the great people over at PrizePix, we have found out, have set the over-under. The odds of him catching this are... plus 3,500. Throw it that way. I am an unbelievably accurate, a famously accurate joke book thrower, and now I will hit the chest of Deepak. Stay right there. You ready?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No fucking chance. Right off D Madness' elbow. There he goes, Deepak Sahota. Later, Deepak. Legally blind. That was fun. We have a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. And this is a very, very special golden ticket winner. You know this young lady very well. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. First time in an arena from Nashville, Tennessee.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is Fiona Cauley, everybody. Make some noise for Fiona, everyone! Baby Girls First Arena!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, Marlon, you gotta wait. This is the part. One more time, everybody, for Fiona Cauley, everyone!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Fiona Cawley. Her condition continues to progress just like her comedy. Both are accelerating at a great rate. How is your thing going? You look great. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's so, so, so stupid. Ultra ribbed. I want barbecue sauce. I love ribs. What the fuck?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Hell yeah. You got new wheels. What's the difference between that chair and the old chair? You got a cup holder there?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Whoa! Those knees are holding strong. Someone's been chilling on beaches. I'm on NAD, CBD, and HPV. Joe Biden has arrived.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So Fiona, what is the update on this new wheelchair? What's your max speed on that thing?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's a shame it's slower. If it was faster than your old one, I'd say you could stage dive here tonight, but there's a bit of a barrier there between you and the audience.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, no, it's okay. I know how that'll go. That'll be a sad fall right off the front. Have you ever sat on the joystick of that wheelchair? Oh, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, Brian. Stick to... I took the blow to that one. Hurling through it. Thank you. Thank you so much. Nope. Don't. Nope. Don't. No, that's okay. Just put it down. Nope. Don't. Put it the fuck down. Put it... Nope. Don't do that. There you go. Great stuff. Physical comedy during a podcast. That's a disgusting question, by the way. Have you ever sat on the joystick of your wheelchair? Okay.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That's why they call it a joystick. That's true. That is true. Anything else crazy going on, Fiona?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Whoa, how is that even possible? It seems like out of all the people that will not get a concussion, it should be you. Someone stable, in a chair, that probably gets laid down softly into a bed at night.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
One more guest, Austin legend. a man who I can't even believe was able to fit it in his schedule, probably one of the busiest human beings on planet Earth, one of our favorite comedians, the legend who got this whole Austin, Texas shit started. It is Joe Rogan! The shit is about to go down three legends of the panel of this show.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Fiona, you're absolutely crushing it. Tomorrow night, we announce where the next arena stop for Kill Tony will be historically on night two. We always announce it. And tomorrow night on New Year's Eve, we will announce where the next huge arena show is.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I'd like to be the first to tell you that it is going to be the highest attendance in the history of Kill Tony and that you will be on that show. Wow. You will catch her there. You'll find out where tomorrow night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time as loud as you can for Fiona Cauley. Great job, Fiona. Great job. Wow. They're coming. Grab the mic. Oh, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Come on, Red Band. Red Band, you don't have to make that noise. Back to the bucket we go, everybody. We're gonna meet this person all together. Even though the name kinda looks familiar, let's see what happens here. 60 seconds going to Chuli Joy. Chuli Joy, everyone. Here we go. The comedy stylings of Chuli Joy.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right, there it is, truly joy. Julie, you've been on this show before, right? Yeah, the Skankfest episode, sorry. Okay, yeah, good to see you again. I remember that head anywhere. Yeah. It's wide. Pretty big. Yep, that is your identity. Is it? Yep.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What was the second one? Cuban and what? Puerto Rican. Oh, wow. What a mix, right? Yeah. I mean, time to take out the trash. You know what I'm saying? Damn, that's a zinger. You can get the time to take out the trash merchandise on your way out, everybody. It's brand new. Catchphrase. It's time to take out the trash. Uh, so how did you feel when, um, cause that was after skank fest.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was in the news for calling half of your bloodlines original Island garbage because there's a garbage problem and a garbage patch.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Did you try to explain to your Puerto Rican family that I wasn't calling the people garbage? Did you try to explain the joke at all?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Look at you now. What do you think they're going to say about this?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Julie, what else? Tell us something crazy about your life that we didn't learn last time you were on.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right. Did you get a little joke book last time you were here? I didn't get any joke book. You didn't? No. Well, guess what? You're getting a little one here today. There he goes. Chuli Joy, everybody. Thanks, guys. This guy. High as shit.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian looks high, but he's not. This is a legend of the show. Kill Tony, Hall of Famer. This, if you know the words, sing along. This is Hans Kemp. A brand new minute. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We're all here Doesn't get much better than this on a fucking Monday night. I We have a bucket filled with hundreds of names. The comedians are all around us somewhere. I don't know if there's a section. There they are back there. I'm gonna pre-pull a name. You guys know how this works. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Play-by-play analysis of your performance. Fun. I had a lot of fun. You're lucky that people from Ohio all speak English and have a good sense of humor.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Whoa, nobody said that. Jesus Christ. Hans, you're going to get me in trouble over here. So how's life been going? What's going on?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. Oh, my God, Hans, that is not cool. Did anyone tell you how old they thought the deer was? Did they analyze the size of it?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That is true. A lot of pandemic-themed jokes. They are trying to say that there's a new pandemic happening right now. England said to stay at home. Bird flu, they're calling it. I believe this one comes from There it is.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's like a dog that fell over. It's like the baby deer that you shot. How old was this deer? I know that you went with somebody that probably has some hunting experience, and they were like, oh, fuck, this isn't right. I want to know exactly how terrible of a deed you did.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And I think we have a West Hollywood bear. There he is. It's Drew Nickens tonight, everybody. That's the real Drew Nickens. How about a hand for Drew, everyone?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I'm going to check in with our senior hunting correspondent, Joe Rogan, here.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Jesus Christ. That is correct. Well, Hans, you did it again. Another great minute, and you, as always, made us feel super awkward and weird during your interview part, but it's always full of insane information. Out there shooting baby deers, having sideways sex. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I have a feeling someone's about to get an ultra-ripped condom rubbed into his eyes, everybody. No, I want to help this kid. Here he is. Wow, look at that. Backstage cameras, the great Notorious Productions. Bring him out. How about a hand for the whole crew here working tonight? Bring him out. The great Anthony Giordano in the truck directing it. We've never had backstage cameras before.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is actually exciting for me to see. What was his name again? His name is Deepak Sahota. All right. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here he is. Here's Deepak. Come on over, Deepak, all the way across here. Come on out here, Deepak. I want to cure you, dude. Harland Williams has an idea on how to cure Deepak.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Zoom in again on his eyes. Let's see if we can get a zoom on these crazy eyes. There they are. Can we get a little bit tighter on those absolutely crazy eyes?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, my God. Deepak, those actually work. That is absolutely incredible. Let's zoom in on Deepak again. Deepak, look out there at the people. Let's get that close cam. Step up to the microphone, Deepak. Step up to the microphone. How do you feel right now, Deepak? You look like a whole new man. You're welcome, buddy.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I'm telling you right now, if we could just brown up the skin around those straight eyes a little bit, you would be unstoppable. You actually look better with those glasses on. I never before have we ever seen in the history, keep looking out there, keep looking straight out there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And while we wrangle that first comedian, we will get it started with a brand new minute. I think we should get it started with a bang, huh? What do you guys think? Some people think you should make a show like this where it builds the whole time and gets bigger and bigger. I like the... I'll ask again. Should we start it with some fucked up crazy shit?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Never before in the history have we ever seen anyone put on comedic glasses and become a good-looking man.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. Yeah. Just for old times' sake. There he goes. Harlan Williams has the touch of a god as he has cured Deepak Samota.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Deepak has been cured of his old shaky eyes. And now we roll on to the fifth bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for Andrew Champion, everybody. Here's Andrew Champion. Bucket pool number five. One more time for Andrew, everybody.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay, a bunch of Indian stereotypes. used in the form of a Siri to deliver the jokes. Andrew Champion, look out there straight at that red light out there, and let's just take note that he has the exact same eyes as the glasses that Harlan just put on the last guy. Unbelievably, just creepy, normal eyes. There they are. Bring Deepak back out, bring Deepak back out.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I think that is, I think Deepak just put on a backwards black hat and a new minute, making fun of his own family. So Andrew, how are you? How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time ever. Okay. What made you start stand-up? When was your first time? At the Secret Group in Houston. Okay. Did an open mic.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And here you are in Arena for your second time, which is crazy. We've had almost all first times, second times tonight out of the bucket. Okay. What made you want to sign up for an arena for your second time ever on stage?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
There you go. Who got you this gift for Christmas? My mom. Wow. Is your mom here? She is.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. Well, your face is doing that for you. What do you do for work, Andrew? I work at the Houston Improv. Okay. You're a door guy there? Yes, sir. Okay. What do you love about Houston?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, then I'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show here with a brand new minute. Truly one of the top rising comedians in the world. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, your parents gave you that thick necklace. That's true Houston shit right there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's what? It's from an ex-girlfriend. And you still wear this bracelet from your ex-girlfriend? I do.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Occasionally, you know. when I asked. If you could say anything to her right now, look at that red light down there and say something to this girl that broke your heart three months ago.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We actually have a... Hold on. We have her on the... Why don't you look at the red light? Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. That is incredible. Absolute spitting images of one another.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You do have, no, don't, yeah, definitely don't do that. Just put that in your pocket. Put it in your pocket. Look back at that camera again. Can we zoom in one more time? And can we just take note that this is what a parentless Shane Gillis would have looked like? Let's just take note that if he had no mother and father that loved him, this is how his shape would have ended up looking like.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What's the weirdest drug you've ever done? You have very low levels of vitamin D. I haven't adventured out from weed.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, Fiona Cawley's backstage, so... Oh, yeah. Come on, we're having fun here. That guy's standing for you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Standing strong. So is Fiona right now. She's running away. Um... Fun stuff. Andrew, here's a little joke book. Congratulations... No glasses necessary. He's leaving with Deepak eyes. Ladies and gentlemen. I like that guy. As I pre-pull for the next bucket for you. Joe, cheers. Hold the music. We have come to a very special part of the show.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has progressed and we've hit so many milestones, we have been able to hit levels that I never thought before we could ever hit. And we have the respect of so many people that I've looked up to for so long, and it is incredible and surreal to bring up this next special treat and very special comedian.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's been one of my favorites since as far back as I can remember, and I can guarantee you he's one of everybody's favorites. The fact that he's here to grace us with his presence truly boggles my mind. Ladies and gentlemen, dropping in on this show, I present to you one of the greatest of all time and the first comedian ever in history to sell out an arena.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
How's it going, my friend? I'm good. This shit is crazy. It is. The arena thing is becoming casual. Yeah. How do you feel? I feel great. I got slides on right now, nigga.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Let's go back for a second to this living situation. Yeah. So you said that you hear them fucking and stuff and having a bunch of fun from the other side of the wall?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Amazing. So you've gotten used to it? Yeah. Right. Does hearing people have fun on the other side of a wall make you a Mexican? I hope not. I was finally able to get one out. You gave me some space to get a full one out there. It was perfect. You're welcome. Thank you, Luke, for permission.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
When you're not doing stand-up. For example, we found out tonight Hans Kim shoots baby deers.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah, it is. It's basically the H-E-B garden. There is his feet. Tight shit. Covered in socks, thank God. You can almost tell by the shape of the socks that there's some weird shit going on with those feet.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, the crowd is booing. Made them turn on me. They are turning on you. You didn't exactly answer the have you punched a puppy question correctly.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Come on. This is an amazing show where you could watch somebody make it and then slowly fall off the mountain right in front of your eyes over seven minutes. Oops.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You got a big joke book last time you were on? Yeah. Here's a big H-E-B joke book for you, Luke Stamm. I'm gonna try to remember the first four minutes of this whole interaction. Luke Stamm, everybody. There he goes. The set of the night, as far as bucket pulls go. And let's do another regular, ladies and gentlemen. You guys are about to go crazy.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show. A man who is destined, without a doubt, to eventually get his American citizenship. This is the brand new minute from one of my funniest friends in the fucking world. The real deal. The Estonian assassin.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Spell that word. Fuck you. Harlan, what do you think about the Young Buck?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The one, the only, the great, the powerful, the established Estonian assassin, Ari Matti, wearing a very fancy Estonian Fila full jogging suit this evening.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, what an experience. You did it with like the heavy disc and everything and people that knew what they were doing?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He plays biscuit golf. Yeah. He throws biscuits into his mouth and he celebrates afterwards. Instead of a biscuit. So stupid. What do you love? What do you do for fun here in America? I don't really ever ask you that.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is the closest you two have come to doing a podcast together. I offered. I was on Facebook. Shit, this is a great moment. President Joe Biden, why did you not do Joe Rogan's podcast? I was asleep.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Look it up, Jamie. Oh, you know some of the terminology. Have you listened or watched an episode? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Which one? There's a part about Bigfoot. Come on. I think you just say things that your advisors tell you and you remember key words. Huh? Ari, what do you think about there being a new president right around the corner?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You're going to be just fine. Anything else? Sorry, Matty. What else is going on? You're back.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's incredible. I have a feeling her day gets ruined pretty easily. Yeah, probably, right? Moody bitch. Yeah. Amazing.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, Redban's interested. Redban. Anyway, no, definitely don't do that. Definitely don't do that. Well, Ari, you did it again. Thank you. You're killing it in a Fila suit. The Estonian dream. Thank you. Ari Maddy. Here we go. Bucket pool number seven, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Carly Rose. Carly Rose is next. God damn. How about another hand for Heidi, huh?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Carly, you performed like someone that would have purple dyed hair. So let's just get into it. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
There we go. Almost getting to the answer now. How long have you been doing stand-up? How many times have you done stand-up? Any of those would be good.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Joe Biden got his outfit off Timu. He also got his vice president off Timu as well.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. All right. Let's check in with the President of the United States, Joe Biden.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The feeding tube? Why did you have a feeding tube? Are you the anorexic that's in Ari and Maddie's DMs?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, fuck. Wow. This is getting weirder and weirder. Let's check back in with Joe Biden.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That's it. Imagine you two just hanging out at night, you sucking on her feeding tube when she's asleep, just straight to the mouth, slurping it down. Mmm, mmm, it's like a never-ending milkshake. Mmm, baby Redbin drinking out of his baba. Aww. Aww. You have an iron deficiency. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever pictured. Yes, boo indeed, big sir. I love it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay. Nah, screw it. Um, anything else? Any redeeming qualities that might make this crowd... You want to let her sing? I don't know. You guys think we should hear her sing? Yeah. Come on. All right. Great call, Jo.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, you're going to hear the band. They're going to play, and you know kind of the song.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The T. What's the full sentence? It's a tea. Oh, the tea and lemonade. It's a tea and lemonade mixture. Yeah. Arnold Palmer was also a human being. He wasn't just tea, nigga? He was a golfer who liked lemonade mixed with iced tea. Iced tea and lemonade. It's like a... Not the wrapper, the beverage. Lemonade, it's like a lemon-flavored Kool-Aid, if you will.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh my God, you used to put Jolly Ranchers directly into your feeding tube?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He walks into the medical room, she's just smoking a cigarette through her fucking stomach. Hey, doc, did my test results come in? Just inhaling through the stomach. Exhaling through the mouth. Jesus Christ almighty.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Has that ever been done before? Did you ever get sexual with it in any way? Did a guy ever shoot his load in your tube or anything?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wait, why did you get your... Wait, there's some barren women clapping in the audience. What made you get your uterus removed?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, that's incredible. Amazing. You hear that, Latinos? You can do that. Yeah. If you put your mind to it. You don't have to procreate. You can stop. The Latinos are actually nodding in agreement. I see you out there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So how exactly did sex change after getting your uterus taken out?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You don't have to worry about having to get an abortion. That is correct. That is true. There's a lot of horny men cheering for this right now. You can really tell who jerked off today and who didn't.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's a shop vac. He's the guy with the mustache. He makes his money being a full-time comedian?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right, well, very fun, Carly. You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. Fun interview. You saved it with all that crazy life experience.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We have a... I've been informed by somebody's advisors that we have a special treat. I don't know if you remember this, President Joe Biden, but somebody just put in my ear that some of your advisors said that you prepared a little something for tonight.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing. Here we go. The president of the United States of America. We've seen this before. Always great sets. From this guy. One more time for Joe Biden.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And iced tea is a drink, not just a wrapper. I know what iced tea is, nigga. Oh, okay. Sometimes I translate things for you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was on the Joe Rogan experience. He was on. This is Kill Tony, but yeah, you were with Joe. He's going pee. Look at that walk away. Is that not iconic or what? There he goes. He's just in character every step of the way.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Holy crap. Oh, he doesn't know he's on the backstage camera. That's Adam Ray, everybody. Look at that. There he is. There's Joe Biden. Okay. He snapped right out of character. Okay. While we're waiting for the president, Joe Biden, to finish urinating, we will roll something. We have something very special for one of the members of this panel here.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's been a special secret that we've kept a surprise. Why don't we roll that video if it's ready? Let's see what we got here.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I present to you the great and powerful Harlan Williams. Oh, shit. Harlan Williams, first time on this show. We wanted him for ten and a half years. We got him.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's writing out an actual check. Can you describe exactly what it says there on that check?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
See, I'm actually a member of a dolphin bank with no numbers, no... Let me read it to you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Congratulations. Of course, here to present you with the award, last year's Guest of the Year, Adam Ray slash Dr. Phil slash Joe Biden slash Elaine slash Jeremy. Make some fucking noise for the 2024 guest of the year. Much, much deserved. Harlan motherfucking Williams. Speech, speech, speech.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
unbelievable Harland motherfucking Williams. Amazing. Just a little fun fact for those of you. There's no way that he knew he was going to be guest of the year. The funny part of that is that he's been sitting on and has had trophies shoved in his pants all night, literally not knowing that he was going to win anything.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Joe Rogan, President Joe Biden. Indeed, check out the Harlan Highway. Harlan is hilarious all the time. Much deserved 2024 Guest of the Year. We've done a lot tonight. We've seen feeding tubes. We've seen it all. People with wobbly eyes. Guest of the Year. The return of Rick Diaz. Locke Hoger. Fiona Colley. Hans Kim. Andrew Dice. Motherfucking Clay.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I can think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time for the all-time record holder in appearances, the record holder in interviews, overall minutes on the show, the first ever living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, and the reigning and defending most powerful regular in the history of the show, Some people call him the HEB produce manager.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The crown prince of Cedar Park. The aardvark of Austin. The pervert of Portland. The disclaimer of Des Moines. The Memphis Strangler. The Alaskan... The ZipRecruiter Zebra. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I love the energy tonight. Yeah! William Montgomery has done it again. The streak continues. William. I'm making Joe sneeze over here! He did, he made me sneeze.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Joe is allergic to overly processed fortune cookies flying through the air, obviously. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Kim Patterson, you have gotten the show officially started with the new minute, and now we roll to the bucket, the backbone of the show, where we've met every comedian who's ever been on it. It all starts with the luck of a draw. These arena pools have notoriously always been rough. Oh, my goodness. When I hear the pop of the crowd, I know it's gotta be the one and only Heidi.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band, everybody! What a fucking Monday night delight this is. What's up, everyone? Welcome. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. The great Michael Gonzalez, aka Big Mike, on the drums. Joining us tonight, the great and powerful Marcus King on guitar. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
There she is, live in the flesh. It is indeed bucket pool number one, and it goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Bill Rhodes, everyone. Bill Rhodes is first here on Kill Tony, live from the HEB Center.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2283 - Billy Corgan
What the you got on wrestler shoes for? You guys are mean. Jimmy Neutron granddaddy right here. You guys look like a before and after for a product that doesn't work. What does ADD stand for? A dose of diabetes? I wasn't ready for any of this. You guys are wearing sweatpants and sweat skin. Have you guys just completely given up on pussy? Is that it? All right, baby, Doughboy, not me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2283 - Billy Corgan
I'm out here now. Doughboy? Wait, what? His name is Doughboy. Doughboy? Yeah. I spell it D-O-B-O-Y. Yeah, I had a feeling you'd misspell it. You guys are two of my favorites. Two Chins and ASAP Rocky Road.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2225 - Dave Smith
Four years ago, we had Mark Cuban on the program. It may seem he was in the news this week. And he started going on about how bad America's race history was and how ashamed he was of America. And that's why he was at all these protests. And he felt it was really important to stand up and speak out about human rights violations.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2225 - Dave Smith
And then it got awkward when I asked him about all the money he was taking from China. But then he dropped a bunch of F-bombs, and I thought, I really enjoy this feeling of proving Mark Cuban wrong. And so here I am at a Trump rally, a strong, intelligent woman to prove Mark Cuban wrong again.