Tony Hinchcliffe
Appearances
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
It was in the mix. It's a whole fucking conundrum. You would love that. You would love to know the story because you would really understand it from a comedian's perspective. Like, I'm going there to kind of, you know, to do this thing about how, you know, free speech this and that and make those kinds of jokes. But I had a whole thing written and planned, you know, to go into the teleprompter.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And... uh and that puerto rico joke was actually a joke that i had done a bunch in my stand-up and it's part of a bigger joke with more front end and a longer back end and uh like what i'm curious well it was um it you know basically basically at the end of the normal joke i go you know i'm talking about the problems in the world right and i go and i don't know if you guys know this but there's a
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. Yeah, I think it's called Puerto Rico. And the point of the joke is that people picture, obviously, in my mind, obviously, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yes, which I'm obsessed with, by the way. I can't believe nobody ever talks about the fact that there's an island of plastic as big as Texas.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
It's in the fish. It's in our sushi, which means it's in us.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I'm here. Hello. Place swept up. How's it going, my man? How are you? Good. So nice to meet you. Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe. Bill Maher.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I totally agree. Luckily, the Puerto Ricans, and I knew this going into it, and I knew it at the last second when I was doing it at 2.30 in the afternoon, which was another terrible problem. If there's one thing I was upset about. That was in the afternoon, that rally? Well, it started in the afternoon and it was supposed to go to the evening.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
When I got there, I go, when am I going up in this thing? And they go, you're up first. Can you imagine? Oh, you opened.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I went up after the goddamn national anthem.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Was it a paycheck? No, it wasn't a paycheck. I did it literally to hopefully, you know, get some, hopefully, if only 10,000, not to mention 100,000, maybe 200, if we're lucky, actual people to vote for him.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Okay. I think he gets a weird, weird, weird rap in this world, man.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
A shithole, isn't that what you're famous for? I like to feel the people and know them a little bit better than just straight up.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah. Who did he do that to? What? I didn't see that. Who did he do that to?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Run out of the room saying, I'm not going to talk to you.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Oh, I think that is a quality that is... across the boards to the far left. They are absolutists in the way of if you show any, any respect to the president of the United States. And let's not forget, he's also a former president of the United States. So it was a guy that like, you know, when I was going in to do that
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
That rally, the goal, you know, it wasn't just to swing a few, you know, thousand votes, hopefully, of whoever listens to my podcast or whoever liked my silly performance on the Tom Brady roast or whatever. It was also to fucking have the president go, that was cool. Thanks, man. That's awesome. I liked your set. You got the crowd going, which, by the way, I did.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Of course, that room isn't mic'd for a comedy show. No, he didn't. I didn't get to talk to him that day.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Still in the clubs? Yep. Started at the comedy store literally 18 years ago yesterday. My mom texts me every year on May 6th and reminds me. I forget. She texts me, happy anniversary.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So here's what happened is I moved to Texas during the pandemic when they triple closed everything in California. And there was no indoor shows. And I went and did a show outdoors at the Magic Castle performing to people in cars where the cars had to be six feet apart from one another. I swear to fuck.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Oh, Bill. And they gave people these clapper things, these little New Year's Eve noisemaker shaky things.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I'm surprised they actually didn't think of that. But they gave people these noisemakers, and they would hold them out their windows, and it would go clack, clack, clack, clack, clack.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Well, no, I told her that early on, and she marked the calendar, and she found it to be so interesting, my adventure into comedy and the whole Mitzi Shore thing. Moms are obsessed with finding out about it. At least my mom found it so intriguing that there was such a powerful, diabolical, cool-ass woman that existed.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Exactly. 100% with you. So not only was I doing these stupid outdoor shows, but just like you were saying, I'm the only person I think that I know that has a weekly live show in front of a live audience for 12 years every single week. So what we had to do, because I do a show where I pull a comedian's name out of the bucket. They do a minute of standup and then I interview them.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So we ended up, oh, you want to talk about fucking depressing. We ended up having people send in their minute sets. They're in their living room trying to do standup comedy. We had no laugh track, no recorded audience sound. So we're watching people do their sets and then we would zoom with them for the interview part. So how's it going? Well, not much of anything happening.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Just been in my house playing video. Every interview was the same. Everything was the same for six, eight, whatever months during this thing. We had no live audiences whatsoever, especially when you're used to that every single week, like I'm sure you were. It's just you go through the craziest withdrawals.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So when I went and visited Texas and they fucking have them indoors and the place is packed and there's no separation, I'm like, what the hell?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Exactly. And the day, I joke you not, and this is the thing, because I would argue that we're more center than left or right. I think you'd probably be shocked to know how I, at least from my perception, centrist we are. I've been watching you for my whole life, by the way. My mom always made sure we had HBO, even though I was raised poor. So I kind of... get you.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And I, it's crazy that I'm considered a right winger or, and, or that Rogan is, or that Elon is.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I think he's goofing around when he talks. I think he knows how to joke a little bit.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I actually heard you were there on quite the magical night, laying low. You were sitting back.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah. I find it all so interesting. It's wild. You said Doge was a disaster. What do you mean by that?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
It just so happened. I don't even know if you know this story. I don't. It just so happened to be the night that the new brand spanking new that day talent coordinator took over, which is a big deal. I think the last time they had a new booker slash talent coordinator there was eight or ten or something years ago. And actually it was five years ago. And so it happened.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I think a lot of people look at it as a tactic, kind of. For example, you know, when he came in the first time and, you know, guns a-blazing, tough on immigration, build a wall, build a wall, build a wall, build a wall, and people don't want to come in. This time he's flying people back to places and...
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And all this, I think he knows that he's publicly doing things to kind of lower the bar of people that are willing to illegally immigrate, things like that, for an example. He knows what he's kind of publicly doing to play—
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And somehow, coincidentally, on that night, a comedian or whoever was supposed to go up wasn't there. And there was a young lady who we all know, Nicole Buchanan, sitting in the back of the room.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
No doubt. I find it all very interesting and moving. Like I was saying, oh, so... Let's just go back to the question. But nobody shuns you. I was just going to get to that, which is, you know, since I moved to Texas... Oh, because you're not in L.A.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
But you're in L.A. sometimes. Sometimes. But what I've learned is that, especially after the rally election debacle and everything, is that the farther left, even though they don't make it their identity or maybe talk about it on stage or whatever, the farther left people... comedians really, you know, they'll just talk shit on a podcast or they'll pretend like
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
you know, me and Rogan and everybody in Austin's a bunch of Nazis and all. You just have to agree with everything they say or you're not part of the club and all this crap. Meanwhile, again, you know, it's like we're all pot smoking pro-choice. If you're going to call us far right crazy people, you have to realize we're
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
who wasn't a paid regular, and the new talent coordinator who everybody's loved forever, but she was just a bartender and she worked her way up to being the booker, the trusted tastemaker of the store, got Nicole Buchanan to go on stage and you watched, I don't even know if you know this, you watched a young lady that was so funny that everybody knows and loves become
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
all formerly registered Democrat voters, and so is Rogan, and so is Elon, and so is Trump. All these people are famously old Democrats.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Because they still believe... I would say that they are. That's an interesting one. Because it seems like the right-wingers are the ones with the guns and this and that. It feels that way.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
A paid regular right in front of you that night.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
You have no thoughts about the fact that perhaps because it was a lockdown and everything, that extra reviewers from both sides could be in the voting areas and stuff?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that I think that. But there were a lot of votes that didn't vote this year, and those votes were for the left.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah, he's a doofus, though. I mean, I agree with whatever. He did the right thing. He did do the right thing by admitting that the election results were the election results. They were. Right, but... Pence is a doofus, Maximus.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
My point is... You think I like Mike Pence?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
You'd have to go all caps on random of Mike Pence's fucking dance.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Oh, that's a psycho. Oh, that's a guy that can't control himself. That's wild.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah. She's great. And I've known her forever. She came up in the little roast battle world.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Have you gotten to meet J.D. Vance? No, never met J.D. I got to tell you, all that I know about him is that this guy's a badass. Because when my stuff was going down that week... Trump wasn't he was kind of off rallies. He was off. He was just laying low for a bit. And J.D. Vance was taking the questions. He was out there kind of doing little rallies and taking questions from the people.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And every single day, and trust me, I was watching like a hawk, and we'd get sent the clips or whatever, whatever just happened. They would ask them, what do you think about the racist comments from the speaker? They were calling me everything but a comedian. They could not say the word comedian. Which I think really, I think it really backfired.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And when I was at the inauguration and everything, trust me, they were all high-fiving me and kissing my ass.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
But they look at it like... It was a massive part of them. They look at me doing what I did and accidentally, right? It couldn't have been planned. Accidentally being the news for nine goddamn days during an election week.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Not at all. But during the time, it was very stressful.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Absolutely. Absolutely. And I rode that wave, but my point is, is J.D. Vance, that entire week, he was taking these questions from the press like that. What are your thoughts about the racist comments? And he would nail it every time, day after day. What did he say? First of all, it's a comedian. I don't know why you're calling him a speaker. He was a comedian defending free speech.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And where has our sense of humor gone? Right. How do you not know that was a joke? That's a clearly a joke. Maybe it wasn't the right time or place. Maybe I'm not even saying like, he was just taking the questions. Like he was a comedian. Like he understood the perspective of the mission. And, uh, And common sense.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I am actually doing an entirely left-wing audience tonight. What? Yeah, because I'm performing at the Comedy Store here in LA. Oh.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
They won't know until I'm up there because I'm a secret unannounced pop-in. But I will feel it from 20% of the room. Assuredly, the girlfriends of the excited boyfriends are going to be like that. And there's always a few just angry. They can't wait to show me.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I do the exact same thing and reverse it. And I go and I go. And here you are stuck watching me because you were too insecure to let your man go out tonight without you because you think he'll fuck somebody else. And one day he will.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Free bird. It's fun when you see those people out there. It makes me, when I'm performing and I'll see it and I'll ignore it and I'll see it and I'll ignore it and I'll keep going. And the whole time I'll glance back, right? And I bet you would too when it happens to you. And you're trying to break them, right? You're trying to see maybe this one will get them, right?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
The angry face person to break. And if you get them to break, which happens a lot, Yes. You know, because eventually they can't help themselves, right?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And even now, right, I'm kind of leaning into this whole you think I'm a racist thing, but I'm just obsessed with different cultures. I love stereotypes. This is kind of the theme of currently the stuff that I'm working on is I'm actually leaning farther into stereotypes. this type of thing where I'm saying what I love about America is that we can all laugh at each other.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Like black people do this and Asians are bad at this. And so now I'm really going for it. And it's so funny because they all hold strong on the things that affect them. But then all of a sudden you're into something that doesn't affect them or they don't have an Asian friend or they don't have a black friend or they don't have this. And you find the thing that they agree with and they crack.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And they do. People that try to have a bad time, people that try to not get comedy or purposefully find something unfunny, those are the most rewarding ones to get that laugh from. Wow.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah, I'm going to do some secret pop-ins tonight and tomorrow and doing an arena in Anaheim on Friday.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
It's fun, right? It really is. It's a blast, man. Actually, 17 years ago, I was sleeping in the backseat of my car behind the Comedy Store. I used to park up on the hill, work my shifts that I was telling you about, and then you'd walk up the hill because I didn't even have the right to park in that little parking lot yet.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So I'd walk up the hill, go get my car, pull it down, and then pull it all the way behind the comedy store, get in the back seat, sleep in the fetal position, wake up at 7, 8 a.m. or whatever, go shower in the main room, green room, and then go work the phones again, trying to write jokes.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
When I got to the comedy store, it was a very interesting time because obviously Mitzi Shore was really sick. She had already had Parkinson's for 15 or 20 years or something. Oh, really? Yeah, but she would come in and watch showcases, and most importantly, she would call all the time. And I took on the job of being the phones guy at the comedy store when I got there.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah, where I grew up in Youngstown, Ohio, a very, very, at the time, dangerous.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Where's that? What do you mean? The city? The place?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah. Like in the mountains? What do you mean? Jesus, didn't you go to high school?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
That's how Austin is now. What? Austin has that much of a comedy scene? Dude, there's eight comedy clubs within like a few blocks of each other. So it's not even cabs and rushing. You can literally walk it. You can tell the person there, I got this. So Rogan has one. That must be the granddaddy club, right? Yeah. And it has two rooms. With two shows a night.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So you could do four shows at that one club alone. Holy shit. Yeah. And you do? Yeah. Really still? Yeah. Even if it's only just one joke or one line that I'm really excited about, I'll do a whole set just to be able to figure out where to slide that in.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So I would work from, you know, like 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. answering the phones, which back then, because the comedy store didn't have a website until very recently... That's how they sold tickets before people would come in. They'd call and they'd go, is there a show going on there? What do you guys sell, props or something? People didn't know what a comedy store was, a lot of people.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
There was like no middle. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're spot on. That's exactly, exactly how I feel. And yeah, they try to, they, I'm at an interesting place now because it was always forever. It was comedy clubs, two shows on Friday, two shows on Saturday.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Oh, of course. Yeah. Oh, are you kidding me? Oh, you mean in the second set, thinking that you're not remembering. Thinking you hadn't done it in that show. Honestly, and I can't believe I haven't. This is an unbelievable fun fact, is that I haven't. There has been two, three, four times all time, and I'm talking about hundreds of road sets, in which I've gone, I didn't already do that, did I?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Or have I, or in the setup, have I? You said that out loud? Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
You fucking phony. There's also a part of me when I'm on the setup and they're kind of giggling and I'm wondering if I already did it.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And you're wondering, I'm wondering if they're laughing because I did it and they think I'm doing it again, like in order to just be funny, right?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And again, I smoke a lot of marijuana. And so you just don't know.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Terrible ending. Really? No. But it's funny you mention that because literally I had my weekly, bi-weekly talk with my agents today and they're like, and yeah, we'll be doing these shows before you get ready for your special taping in a few months. So here's what we're going to do. And if these sell good, we'll add another show. And I go, no, no, no, no, no. Good for you.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
We're not doing another show. I know you guys want me to do another show, getting 10%, sitting on your same ass that you would back at home looking at the ocean waves, but I'm the one that has to do the goddamn show. There's no chance. Oh, right. What's funny is this was only two hours ago.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I literally said, I think I burnt out all my stem cells in my body doing all those grinding shows when I was younger because I just find it so exhausting. There's just more energy. I don't think there's been a scientific study on what we do at all really.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
But I think the higher the expectations of the crowd, right, that watches you every week, that's going, I don't ever go out, but I bought a ticket for this. I worked an extra shift this week to be able to get this ticket. And you feel that. You feel that.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So I would answer the phone and tell them, oh yeah, it's a great show. I was often lying about how great the shows were back then because it was kind of a dark time in 2007. But then all of a sudden, you know, the phone would ring just like it would for a normal human calling to plan their trip a week out. And it would be, oh, hey, is Tommy there? What are you doing?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I've been defending Bill Belichick in the green room of the mothership. Sweetheart, I am Bill Belichick. I'm Bill Belichick without the nine Super Bowl rings. Yeah. People in the green room have been talking shit about him, going, this girl's running his whole everything. I go. What are you guys... First of all, you don't know what you're talking about.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Second of all, it's proof that they were in the right, that the camera was pointed at her strangely during this interview. Strangely. Right? Right. They knew what the fuck they were doing. I go, we're here in Texas. We hate the mainstream media. And meanwhile, we're going, oh man, CBS exposed the fact that Belichick's being controlled. When have we ever agreed?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
When have we ever not thought they were up to something shady? And then I said, what was up with that reverse camera shot right on her? And then they started to like, oh, okay. But it's so true, man. It's like everyone wants to see... I call it my Game of Thrones theory.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
When Game of Thrones came out and became the biggest show in the world back in the day, I think people started a thing in their heads where they wanted to see kings... fall, because they were. Once every couple few weeks or months or whatever on that show, you were watching a new person gain the Iron Throne or this or that, and we want to build them up.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Is there a lot of calls coming in? It's just this. And as a store guy, I mean, whew, your heart would flutter. And it was just because famously she would fire people if she didn't like your tone, your voice, anything. She was famous for firing people on the spot.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
That's what happened on that show? You didn't watch it?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Oh, that's an interesting little sandwich.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
That's another thing I get in arguments about all the time. I defend that last season of Game of Thrones to the tooth and nail.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I'll say it again. I was raised super poor, but somehow my mom always made sure. I think it's because my dad used to visit once in a while to watch boxing matches because Boom Boom Mancini, a famous old boxer from Youngstown. And so... Oh, he was from Youngstown. Yeah. Okay. So I think she only did it so that he would hang out sometimes once in a great while.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Not that poor. I mean, first of all, Cheez-Its aren't the cheapest thing. I know you might not know. You've been making it for a while.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
You know being a Trumper, what you're calling a Trumper, isn't that crazy. I mean, he did win the popular vote. That doesn't mean it's not crazy.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
That's why I think you're, believe it or not, a centrist.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I think you're— Oh, I am. Yeah. I am. I'm center left.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
What was it? Oh, I had HBO when I was younger.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
California. Yeah, mine was a different, I was a different kind of poor when I first moved here, which was fucking looking for goddamn nickels and quarters on the ground and picking up every job I could. And there was even a period. How often do you find a nickel on the ground? Back then it was more often because they actually used coins back then. It's like pencils. I know, exactly.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Pencils, nickels. But yeah, I was raised pretty poor. My mom made sure that I went to, believe it or not, it's impossible to sound poor while saying that you went to the private school in town. But I did go to the private school in town. She forced my dad, who was, they were never married. They were in separate things. It's a whole crazy-ass story.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
But she made sure that my dad contributed enough by getting her work, running numbers, being a bookie in town. Yeah. so that she was able to put me through a private school, make sure that I always had a decent pair of shoes and HBO. So it's the wildest thing. That's all you need. That's all. Shoes and HBO. I swear to God, those were the two things I had that all my buddies had.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
That's right. But man, it was a game changer for me. The comedy specials, absolutely 100% contributed.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I see enough people live to where I like waiting. But you would like my last one. Oh, I'm positive I would. Again, I'm not kissing your ass. I've been a fan forever. I mean, you know, all my initial politics and everything of anything about politics was through you.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I mean, there's no question about it. The mainstream media, which was obviously very defensive of the left, really did it to themselves. I mean, calling people Nazis, people calling me a speaker when you know damn well.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And by the way, and I think literally when we say we do it to themselves, how dare anyone call Trump Hitler? That is such an insult to the Jewish people.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
You know what I always found interesting? Oh, that's good. About Genghis Khan was... When they buried him, I'm sure you know about this because it's so fascinating. When they buried him, the people that buried him got killed by people, right? And the people that killed those people got killed by people. Yes.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Oh yeah, totally. I mean, that's something we've always, comedy store guys have always dreamed of. It's a hell of a... I mean, the actual truth of her story is more amazing than... And she's Pauly Shore's mother. Yeah. Right? People know Pauly Shore. Exactly, which is interesting because most people start with that. They go, that's Pauly Shore's mom. And it's like, yeah... But it's funny.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah, it's an interesting one. Not hard for you. Hard for me. I just don't, you know, how the story was told was so interesting.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I saw Kid Rock's White House a few weeks ago. Have you heard of this? What's that? Oh, my God. He's got the Southern White House. He mimicked his house. It's literally a Southern version of the White House. You ever visit Nashville? Of course. Well. I've played it. Next time you go, if you happen to- The Ryman.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Oh, my God. It's one of the very few perfect venues in the world, I think. A great venue. But I just did the... A few weeks ago, I did my podcast in the Bridgestone Arena two nights in a row. And Kid Rock was a guest on one of them with another comedian. On the show? Yeah. And it was a lot of fun. And we ended up going back to his place. Actually, we were there... A couple nights before.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Anyway, he modeled his house after the White House. Like it's built like the White House with secret doors and chambers and elevators and all this diabolical shit. And it is so fucking cool. He waited years. He lived in a trailer on the property for years just scoping it out, seeing which way the water flowed and all of these different things. He's such an interesting guy.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I would almost argue that it is a quality of... And again, I'm not a very political guy. I consider myself a centrist. But I would almost argue that it's becoming acceptance and that type of invitational... let's break bread energy somehow is becoming slightly a more quality of the right. and that's why them being called a racist, that's where everybody really fucked up.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Because sure, Appalachia, I get it. Correct. But I live in the middle, smack dab middle of Texas, granted in the more liberal part of Austin, Texas, but I get out a lot and I golf out 45 minutes that way or that way or that way and I'll go hunting that way and that way. There's all these different parts.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And those people, if a black person walked up to their goddamn door, they would be, in my opinion, a lot of them, a thousand times nicer than a suspicious, wacky liberal that's not used to welcoming people in or being a good neighbor. But that's near Austin. Sure. I'm also just talking about the road.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I had someone tell me once that it's never been worse. I'm like, what do you mean it's never been worse?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Irresponsibility of, you know. And I love Kevin Hart. But that's a fucking... When people say things like that to where it's absolute, right? Things have never been worse. That's dangerous. With great power comes great responsibility. LeBron James put out an Instagram post that went super fucking ballistic the week of my shit. And the video started with me.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And it edited out a whole... The beginning, the part of the setup... And basically the end.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Well, I was married for a short period of time. What do you mean?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
It's like, oh yeah, that's right. No, I'm high as shit, but I was married for a couple years. I'm high as shit and I forgot marriage? I'm not married now.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah, just for a couple of years. It was fun. It was a good little run. Met a girl who we couldn't fucking separate at all for a week or two. We were having so much damn fun. She is originally from Australia. And so she goes, my visa's up in a... And I'm literally like, let's, it wasn't even like, I have no regrets. We're still extremely like best friends to this day.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I'm the godfather to her fucking stunning little son. And we're happy. Actually, she'll be coming.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Not at all. It was literally my idea. I know what it looks like. I mean, it was, and we had a, you know, it was a blast.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I don't even know the rules. I just know they weren't going to. So why did it peter out? Um, well, at the time, uh... You got tired of the sexual intercourse? No, no, it wasn't that. It was just, uh, it just kind of, um... Usually it's that. She, uh, you know, there was some, there was some addiction issues.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
No. Oh. Yeah, well, I mean, she was, sex was fine. Everything was good in that department, but... Sex was fine, no.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I hate that I have, but I did see a little something one time. It was the crazy. I hate that I saw it because it makes you sound crazy.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
cray right i would never do it again you would never do it again it was a one-time thing yeah i know myself well now and what did you learn well um well now things have just changed you know it was then it was a best friendship kind of you know while obviously hooking up and now i'm just kind of
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
As corny as it sounds, I just like my independence, and I really, really have found a way to be super comfortable, you know, by myself. Doesn't sound corny to me.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah. Some people lose their minds and go, but don't you wanna, but don't you wanna? And it's like, don't you wanna, like...
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Don't you want to do what I do? Let's take a look at our nights.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I hope I was good. I always get high on these things and don't know whether...
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I had been there. I have not. Yeah, I hadn't either. Like I said, it's one of those wacky things where you're like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. And it hits you differently than you think it would when it happens. And I don't even know. Maybe it wasn't. It could have been anything.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
It's funny because everybody, especially when you work there, especially when you work there all day and all night like I was when I got there at 22 years old, the whole first year or so, I was looking for one and hoping to see one. I'm not stoned every night looking around the corners feeling creeped out.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I'd be the one that shut off the lights in the rooms and you'd be looking and you didn't see anything. And then one day, middle of the damn day, sun blazing. It's like 1, 2, 3 p.m., somewhere in there. And I took a break from the phones to go smoke a cigarette. So you have to walk like down a hall and through the dark belly room because all those lights are off during the day.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And when I broke the pathway into the belly room, there was just a weird feeling that happened. And then this human height looking jellyfish, like vibrating, kind of see-through. But like, it's kind of, I don't even know how to describe, kind of jellyfish-esque. Just this weird blob. A ghost. Yeah. Yeah.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Here's the crazy part of the story is I didn't tell anybody. You ready for this? This is where shit gets weird. I didn't tell anybody at all because I didn't want anybody thinking, oh, Tony's high or nuts or almost passed out or whatever. No, no, not at that time.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Same. I'm in 22 years of smoking pot every day.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
I'd say probably five to ten seconds. You froze? I froze, and then I walked away. You would think you would run, but you don't feel like running. But it did stay there the whole time?
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
It didn't go first? It didn't go first. Well, that says something about the ghost. It looked like it was – there wasn't like a face to it or anything. Right. But it looked like – the way it moved, it seemed like it was surprised to see me as I was to see it.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
So I walk away and I don't tell anybody. This is where shit gets crazy. It's later that night. Uh, the house piano player of 35 years or whatever, Jeff Scott is, we always had a tradition where right before we opened the doors, cause I would switch from being a phone guy to the front door guy, uh, at seven 30 or whatever, we'd set up the chairs.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
He would set up his piano, his keyboard and everything and get the room right. Then we'd have the room right. And then we'd go smoke a bowl. We'd come back to the original room and open the doors. And I'd see people and he'd be playing the fucking ragtime on the piano. So this is where things get interesting. The exact same day that I saw whatever the hell I saw. We're going to smoke.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
He's walking ahead of me. He walks through the bar. We're going to the back to sacred ground, that little alleyway. He gets ahead of me because I'm saying hi to a waitress in the bar area. And then by the time I'm almost to that door, he's walking by me, now this direction, like he had seen a ghost. And I go, Jeff. what, where are you going? We're smoking. He goes, whoa.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
And he snaps out of it and he goes, dude, I just saw something crazy. I go, what did you see? And I'm fucking tripping in my head because I literally am going, please don't fucking say a white kind of blobby jellyfish looking thing.
Club Random with Bill Maher
Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
Yeah. Ghost. Was it? It was. So it was the same ghost. Same exact thing, except this time it was outside and it moved how he said that my thing moved. It was kind of like, yeah.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, what would you recommend for a guy like Redman if he walked in there? If he's like, hey, everybody says I'm fat and ugly and I need new shoes. What would you say to him?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, wow. I feel like you would buy those for sure. Wow. Didn't even know you guys had sandals there. Okay. What do you do for fun, Josh? Play basketball. Really? Wow. Okay. Basketball and I lift weights starting just now, recently. Just started lifting weights? Just now. And you play basketball. Have you played basketball your whole life?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay. So you play basketball. You say the N-word. Yeah. How about the Korean side of you? Still the N-word?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Go to the respective websites and buy tickets and see stand-up comedy and the new tapings of Kill Tony upcoming for the months of May, June, and July at ComedyMothership.com, the stand-up shows at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Now, a brand new episode of the number one live comedy podcast in the world. This is Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I'm guessing your dad is the Haitian and your mom is the Korean, just getting absolutely fucking pounded and filled with just a huge Haitian cop. Do you think about that a lot? Do you think about how your mom was absolutely decimated? Your innocent little Korean mother, just a sweet little lady, just absolutely getting ravaged by your father's Haitian.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Do you ever just see, are you ever at Footlogger and you see a pair of extra long black socks hanging from the shelf and you're like, God, what my dad has done to my mother's pussy is terrible. Never, I don't. Wow. My goodness, Josh. So you live in San Antonio. What made you go from Virginia to San Antonio?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow. Amazing. You went from the Air Force to Air Force Ones. This is absolutely amazing. That's right. Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize that. Kept crashing the planes. The Korean side. That's right. I keep forgetting he's Korean. Okay, so what did you do exactly in the Air Force?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What's your love life like, Josh? You seem like a good-looking guy. Are you Haitian with the ladies, or are you more Korean?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay. Well, like, the last date that you went on, like, what was that like? How'd you find that person? How'd that go?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Really? When's the last time you kissed a girl? I mean, I fucked. Oh, wow. Okay, well, there you go. There you go. Well... You blew that one, buddy. You could have had a fun time coming your way, but you want to brag about going straight to fucking. I don't date. I just insert my dick right into a woman when I meet her. Absolutely incredible, Josh. I think that's called rape. That's consent.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow, you really are Haitian after all. Incredible. Is that a Haitian thing? No, don't do that. No, I don't want that. This isn't a fucking one-man show. Anything else crazy we should know about you? No, just chilling.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
There you go, buddy. Congratulations. Welcome to Kill Tony. That is your first bucket full of the night, Josh Gideon. And the show shall continue. If you're one of these employers who's ramping up hiring this year, don't miss out on this advice. Add ZipRecruiter's latest feature, ZipIntro, into your hiring plan. It lets you post jobs today and talk to qualified candidates tomorrow.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Best of all, it does most of the work for you, so you save time. And right now, you can try ZipIntro for free at ZipRecruiter.com. Tony, I love ZipRecruiter.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It's so easy, a red band can do it. Save time hiring for 2025 with new Zip Intro. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony right now to try Zip Intro for free. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. Zip Intro. Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
With your second bucket poll. And here we go. She goes by the name of Audrey Scott, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Audrey Scott.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay, Audrey Scott. Welcome, Audrey. Hi. You look like a half Korean that was in the Air Force. But surprisingly, I'm guessing you're not the half Korean.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Audrey, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, so you make sandwiches during the day. Okay, that's the correct answer. Just had to do a little digging there, get around all the bullshit that you definitely don't make money doing, and then there we found it right at the end. 12-hour shifts of sandwich making. I love it.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I love it. Okay. In five and a half years, all of it here in Austin?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow, you really did. It's another Virginia to Texas transfer. That really is incredible that happened back to back like that. Yeah. Okay. What's your favorite sandwich to make?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Absolutely amazing. Audrey, what do you do for fun? Any sauces on those things?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Chris is correct here. The hula hooper is one level away from the person with the ball on the rope. It's just like a side thing.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
We're having the first ever Kill Tony ear roach off. Let's go. Let's go. This is incredible. It's bad. It's really bad. If you had to guess how many roaches you see on an average day or night.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That's why you ever asked or gotten an exterminator I've been begging for one.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Our senior cockroach correspondent, Brian Redband, says that does not work. He would know. If there's anybody that has food scattered around his kitchen.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You should see how many live ones you can fit into a sealed envelope and give that to the landlord. Yes!
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Well, Audrey, absolutely incredible. Thanks. Here's a little joke book. You don't want that. Here you go. No. There she goes, Audrey, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. On to the next one. This looks like an interesting name. Oh my goodness, there she is. The one and the only, Heidi. Look, just making this stage nice, fixing the logo halfway.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some fucking noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed, it is the best damn band in the land right there. You saw it live in the flesh. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Cholula Chalupa.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Halfway fix of the logo, just a few degrees away from a perfect turn of the logo. But she tried, you know what I mean? Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Neil Rubenstein.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You are adorable, Neil Rubenstein. Is it Rubenstein or Rubenstein? Whatever's comfortable. Okay, I love it.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, incredible. So you're Jewish? Yeah, yeah. And you're also a deli. That's incredible that you could be both. You're a Jewish deli, all under a one-stop shop.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You truly are a Rubenstein. You are filled with Rubens, as in the sandwich that the cockroach girl makes during the day. That was a callback. Yes, indeed. Thank you. Look at you. He's killing it. I love it. Neil, you're very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up? Ten years. I love it. I can tell. Where at?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Other people, anyone who does that's just afraid that you're going to be funnier than them or something like that.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I don't know what to do here. I don't know whether to roast you or snuggle with you, Neil. Yes! Little cutie pie.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Nachos and helmets. And peanuts and Cracker Jacks. Baby back ribs.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, absolutely. Did I miss? Is that what that was? Yankees or Mets? Mets. Okay. Look at that. You have a Mets tattoo. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible. I don't think I've met a bigger Mets fan.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You said you're not that big? What are you trying to say? No, I'm saying, like, there's... I mean, I'm tall.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
No, he doesn't. No, I'm not, I'm saying, like... You are three Carlos Sosa's worth of human. Don't look at my band. That's the cut, I'm just saying, like, that's the cutoff. Don't you dare, don't compare yourself to my band. Don't you dare. Over here, Neil. Over here, you son of a bitch.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Matt Muehling representing the whites on the band with a black wife, little black kids, and seven cats. John Deese on the keys, ladies and gentlemen. And this beautiful little camper right here on the base is D Madness live in the flesh. This is indeed Kill Tony brought to you this week by Blue Chew and Nicked Nicotine Pouches. What an amazing episode we have. There's chaos in the room.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, you know how to tickle my heart, Neil Rubenstein. Redman, that's your looper. You have to kill him. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It is your destiny. Absolutely incredible. Neil is a baseball hat away from being the new co-host of Kill Tony. This is incredible.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Well, we know a guy that works at Foot Locker. We'll find out about that. Neil, tell us more about your life.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
When you say you played with some rock bands, what do you mean? What did you do?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What did you do? Sing? Play guitar? Sing. You sang? Let's play some hardcore music. How many of you want to hear Neil sing a little bit? Oh, no, you have to.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Look that way. Come on. I have a tiny voice. Hold on. All right. Stop, stop, stop.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What are you talking about? Don't pull a fucking Val Kilmer on us right now, motherfucker.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Did you sound like this when you had to quit the band?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Right, you gotta look scary. What was the name of the big band you were in?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, no, I know what a platinum record is, but what is the name of the record?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
A lot of us know Taking Back Sunday. Could you even just maybe give us like a hum of the part that you were on? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Did somebody shut that fucking lady up back there? Jesus, how do I have to say that? How many times would she have to just be annoying before somebody sends somebody the fuck back there? Jesus fucking Christ, people. That's 17 staff members just fucking watching. Will someone please mosh that lady right now? Literally begging for it. Spin kick that broad. So annoying. So what were the lyrics?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Ever since Minecraft, you have this big ego. There you go. I'll tell you what, Neil. I'm going to send you upstairs to the little boy, and you're going to perform in front of the booker of this club at Amiga with 10 years of experience. We'll see if you can buckle down and give him a good set. You could be a regular old comedian here if you do good.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
There goes Neil Rubenstein, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Let's get another bucket full up here, shall we? All right, we know this young buck. He does work here. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Riley Gilmore, everyone. Riley Gilmore.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow, an unbelievable minute from Riley Gilmore. Incredible. You've been on this show a few times, right? Oh, yeah, back in the 80s. Hell, yeah, it's been a long time. It has been. That was back in the, what, the Vulcan days, right? Yeah. Yeah. How's it been going? Dude, chill, bro. I love it. I don't know. I love it. Fantastic. What else, Riley?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Tell us something interesting about you or your life that we would find. I've been gardening. Okay. You guys fuck with that? I don't know.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Mr. Gilmore's looking through the window. Let's get out of here. Run, it's old man Gilmore!
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That's one of the all-time great moments in this show's history. That is a first. 12 years, hundreds and hundreds of episodes, thousands of different guests and bucket pools. It is the first time anyone over there has asked us what we're up to. It's the first time for everything, it turns out.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Go with it, man. We're podcasting. We're podcasting, dude. Just chill. Oh, hell yeah. I love it. Tell us about being a comedian in Austin.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Get fucked up, smoke a cigarette by the trash. I've never been a trash guy, but I was known as the garbage guy a couple months ago in the news.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Riley, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, this is very exciting. Let's get the lighting right. Keno, hit us with that single spot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever time in the show's history where we've had an impression of a lion. Riley is very excited. He has a lion's mane filled with carrot tops, pubic hair. Lining his chin. There's nobody better to do a lion impression than him. And this is that moment.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Riley Gilmore does his lion. And this is what it sounds like. Okay. I guess it's a... This is a... Thank you, thank you very much. It's more of a snake, perhaps? Darth Vader getting hit in the nuts. I need to drink more water. Yeah, it's a very parched lion. Let me, can I try it again? Yeah, you want some, this guy's offering some water? Yeah. Yeah, the stranger in the front row.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You're not lying. All right, here we go. This sounds like fucking Neil Rubenstein adjusting his sleep apnea mask in the middle of the night. I'm not even that big. I mean, I'm not even that big. Here he is doing the lion one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. This is Kill Tony and this is Riley Gilmore's lion.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Very, very excited about this one, ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes we have repeat guests, sometimes we have new guests, sometimes we have big famous celebrities, sometimes we have funny motherfuckers. This is one of the latter episode. This is the debut of both of these guests on panel. Two of the funniest humans in the world.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
This guy lost his lion voice. What lyrics did you write for Taking Back Sunday? All right, let me try to save it. I'll do an owl. Okay, all right. You know what happens here, ladies and gentlemen. If your lion ain't working, go with the owl. We've never had this before. Hundreds of episodes. Tens of thousands of hours.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever owl impression in Kill Tony history. Brace yourselves for the owl of Riley Gilmore. Wow. We're getting word. We are up for the first ever podcast Emmy. Unbelievable. Riley, I would love to have you on The Secret Show next week. Thanks, bro. You have one of these? You already got one? Yeah. There you go. Riley Gilmore. Wow.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Huge announcement. I am doing stand-up comedy in Madison Square Garden. Friday, August 15th. This is a stand-up comedy show featuring me and the killers of Kill Tony. All your favorite regulars and stand-up comedians from the show doing guest spots on it. The artist presale is this Wednesday at 10 a.m. And it goes till Friday, May 2nd. The special password is Tony25. That's Tony25, all one word.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
How much fun are we having tonight, huh? This is a fun episode. Hello! This podcast is sponsored by Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. Guess what? The best beer on the market just got a whole lot better. Mini Rippers are mini cans of Voodoo Rangers Highly Drinkable Juice Force IPA or Tropic Force IPA. These mini cans are great for moderation, storage, portability, and convenience. Look, I love beer.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
But sometimes drinking a big tall glass of an IPA is a little too much for me. That's why I love cracking open some Mini Rippers instead. Red Band?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
My God, you sound ready to party, Red Band. From here on out, it's mini can full throttle because Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers are the new go-to pep to start your night with a bang. Seriously, these mini cans are fun, portable, and pack a hell of a punch. There's nothing worse than drinking a humongous beer and feeling like you ate a loaf of bread.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Two guys that I've wanted to get on forever and it just so happens they're on together here tonight. Make some fucking noise for Chris O'Connor and Tim Butterly. Oh yeah. Chris O'Connor. Chris O'Connor, Tire Season 2, coming out June 4th. His podcast, Stuff Island. Welcome to the show, Chris. It's good to be here. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. And Tim Butterly, welcome.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your every day with Viya. And we have pure momentum, so why don't we do something fun and special? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you right now one of the greatest regulars in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time since he's been on this show.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Hell yeah, Hans, welcome back. Thank you, Tony. A fantastic set. It's good to be back. Everybody loved it. Absolutely amazing. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Look at the way that you look at me. Look how just perfect you are. You're focused. You're ready for anything.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Let's check in with the panel here. Chris O'Connor, what do you think about this? I was going to say, it's hard to see. It's hard to see the way he looks at you. It is incredible. He looks like he's in round 15 of one of those old boxing matches. His eyes are swollen shut. It is absolutely incredible. It looks like he's wearing, like, racist disguise glasses. That's nuts. Hans, catch us up.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
How's life been going for you? It's been going pretty good. Yeah?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It's been a while since you've been on. It's been great. Fantastic material.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Used cats. Just sloppy seconds. Just beat up pussy. Are they nice? Are they nice cats?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I can see. It's like us. It's like us, Red Band. One's fat and old. The other one gay as fuck. Red Band, you got me. Wow. Boom. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. Ouch. Ouch. Red Band giving thumbs up to the photographer. It's an incredible moment. Troy Conrad, world famous comedy photographer, right there in the moment. Red Band's magic moment. All right.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Hans, catch us up with what else has been going on. You have a cat stroller, so you walk your cats? Yeah, they hate it. Why do you do that? It seems like they wouldn't like that. They're house cats, right?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
And it's like you're taking them out in a rolling prison, though. They can't get out. So, Connor, what do you think about this?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Are you at all worried about your reputation? The paparazzi saying, we got Hans TMZ, and we got Hans Kim walking two cats down Sixth Street.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It is incredible. Perhaps you can let the hula hoop girl borrow your cats and they can chase down the hundreds of cockroaches that she has. Hans, anything else we should know about you before moving on?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That was a very polite response from your audience after all that build-up. Hey, guys, I'm Tim. Nice to meet you. Tim Butterly's show, Dad Meat. He's on tour, timbutterly.com. It is your guys' first time on the show, which is absolutely crazy.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Fresh off of playing Elon Musk's son on the Netflix Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
He does. This is not a joke. That little shit fucking pounds him down.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It is. It is crazy. Heath's a fun guy to drink with, though. And he does. He fucking throws them back. It doesn't make much sense. But the boy can drink.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
So he got trashed and you just put him in the back of a driverless car? Yeah. Did you select the destination of that car? Yeah, I controlled it the whole time. Wow. That is frightening.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Tim Butterly. I love it. Hans, you did it again. Fantastic fucking set. Fantastic goddamn interview. One of the legends of the Kill Tony universe. Hans Kim. Back to the bucket we go. You know, Hans was found out of the bucket. All of our regulars were once discovered out of the bucket. And your next comedian could be the next big discovery. Anything can happen. Back to the bucket we go.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It's a one word name. Make some noise for Poncho, everybody. I do believe it's the Kill Tony debut of Poncho.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
No, no, no, you still have 10 seconds. Poncho, do another joke, Poncho. What's going on? Do you know what show you're at? Jesus, Poncho. What kind of Mexican named Pancho tries to do one third of the necessary work and then leave? What the fuck is going on here, Pancho?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah. Even if I was paying people to get pulled out of the bucket, I wouldn't give you anything right now. True. Okay, Poncho, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three and a half years. Three and a half years, and you literally have 20 hot seconds of material. Where were these three and a half years at?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
And you gave me a minute, and I fucked it up. At the end of the show, I gave you a minute. Thank you for that. Yeah, that was bad then. I remember now, Poncho. This was many years ago, right? Like two years ago.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Let's talk about it, Poncho. What do you do for work? Ballet. You're a real ballet guy. In Long Beach.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I'm from L.A. Okay. So, what's your favorite car to valet?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
No, no, no, don't compare it. If it was up to Trump, you'd be Audi de country.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay. Would you stay at a resort somewhere? No! No! What did you win? An all-inclusive vacation?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah. Doing that fucking avatar talk. Mexico, shut up. My mother's from Huevos Rancheros.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Ah, Puerto Vallarta. Tapatio. What do you think is the most Mexican thing about you?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Michael throwing his own people under la autobus. Um, okay. What else, Poncho? Why do you go by the name Poncho?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Hell yeah. Well, you look great. You don't look hungover or inflamed whatsoever. So it's going to be awesome. We're happy to have you. Since it's your first time, I should tell you, 275 people signed up for the chance to get on this show tonight. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
So I say Poncho so people will be like, oh, no, he's... The only time people would think you're Arabian is if they see you joyriding around in a Lamborghini. Poncho, here you go, buddy. Here's a little joke book. Oh my goodness gracious. Oh, and he gives the crowd the finger. Poncho, Poncho with a complete heel turn. Oh my God. Poncho turning on the crowd. Heidi is here to fix it. Oh my goodness.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
And then a hero comes along. Pancho leaving with double birds. Double Mexican birds. For free. Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. All right. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when Kill Tony started, it seemed like we had to figure it out all on our own.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Between setting things up, filming, the schedule, logos, who to keep in the show, what to do, how to work it, what do we do with the bucket people, all these things. It was overwhelming. And every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
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KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. This guy has a tattoo of a spider behind his ear, so I'm gonna let him pick the first one. Right off the top, look at that. Yeah, looks good to me. And the show shall begin. To start tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner making his third ever appearance on the show.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
The basketball playoffs are here, and the action is heating up on PrizePix, the best place to cash in on your favorite sports. Arrrrr!
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow, Red Band, that is a superb lineup. You've really been studying up on basketball. I'm personally selecting Nikola Jokic for more than 25 points and Jalen Brown for more than four assists. So download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks run your game.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jordan Pablo, everyone. Jordan Pablo, we're having fun here today.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay, 48 seconds of Jordan Pablo. Jordan, welcome to the show. Is this your first time here? Yes, sir. How long have you been on stand-up? Five-ish years.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You're a waiter back there. Now you have no job, DoorDash. So you live here now? Trying to put this together in order. That's a weird answer. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Okay. You live here. Yeah. I just moved here. How long have you lived here? A week. Okay. A week. All right. What have you seen? What do you know? What have you seen?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow. Wow, well that's the end of your career. No, no, no. All right. Jordan, what do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Can't think of a worse time for that to happen, Deez. Really wasted that one tonight. Leaning on your keyboard, just high and falling asleep as usual. It's kind of crazy at this point. You would think you'd be able to survive five minutes into the episode without doing something absolutely stupid, but there you are. There you are, high and tired.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I'd be on my Nest Cam, yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay, it's Red Band that you've been delivering. The Duke of DoorDash. I love it.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What's the last thing you do before you go to bed at night?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Smoke weed and talk to me? Is that what you just said? Am I hearing this right? Am I fucking tripping?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
25. Okay. Well, there you go. You're right on pace, Jordan. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Congratulations. On to the next one we go. Ooh, some Mexican music. That means the band likes Jordan Pablo. Notice Pancho did not get that kind of treatment. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Dixon, everyone. Gordon Dixon.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
John Dees, his debut album, High and Tired, coming out soon. Or you could see it live on the show every Monday as he falls asleep leaning against sound effects on his keyboard. He wears sunglasses because he literally falls asleep during the show. Going up first tonight, the third ever appearance of a golden ticket winner that we like around here. Let's see how the third minute goes.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow. Gordon Dixon. Fucking his own mother and father.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That is wild. Florida man fucks parents. Gordon, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing comedy?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
The whole club will look at her She hit the floor Make that you know She already got low, low Low, low, low, low Perfect, just out of tune enough For us to not set off the algorithm on YouTube That will dock The entire payment of the episode And give it to T-Pain Gotta love T-Pain, Florida pain baby Florida pain, Tallahassee, whatever What do you miss most about Florida?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Tim. I'm not a watch guy. Is that a very nice watch he's wearing? That is a watch off of Amazon that looks like a very nice watch. Am I right?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
No, I knew the second you came out here was the first thing I noticed. I'm like, look at that fake-ass watch, probably from Florida. And there he goes, I'm from Florida, what's up? It is.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
The comedy styling is one minute uninterrupted. Going to Colin Sledge, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Gordon, what's the craziest thing you've seen over at Shakespeare's right next door here? Sixth Street is crazy. This is famously 36. This is insanity all the time.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It's crazy that a guy is horny enough to jerk off on 6th Street, yet not horny enough to come in under 30 minutes.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Well, I mean... What was the last five minutes of that like? It was...
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Checked in at the 10-minute mark and said, come on, dude, finish. And he was still going. The cops came before he did.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
And if you had to describe this guy, what exactly did he look like, the guy masturbating? Yeah, it was...
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Here you go, Gordon. Thanks for swinging by. There you go. Oh, Jesus. That's the whitest thing about me. That's the whitest part about you. The catching ability of Gordon Dixon. We're having fun here tonight. We are blasting through this episode. Everything is running very smoothly. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Patrick Christopher, everyone. Here we go. We still having fun out there?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Fuck yes. Patrick Christopher. Hell yeah, thumbs up to the band. Patrick, welcome. Chris O'Connor, what do you think about this guy? I'm Patrick Christopher, I did not expect you to walk out.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I love it. You're funny. How long you been doing standup? Seven years.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You guys remember each other? Would you guys eat food together? Eat food together? Roast God, Tony Hinge. What did you guys eat? Writer of 13 Comedy Central roasts. What did you eat? All right.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay, yep, she's a Latina. All right, and you have kids? No kids. No kids. Let me ask you something, because this is a fucking anomaly. How do two married for 12 years Latinos not have kids?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Zero kids. So she had, what, ovarian cancer or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Was that tough to go through? How long were you not allowed to fuck her for?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You're a funny guy, Patrick Christopher. Thank you, man. Yeah. My goodness gracious. What do you like to do for fun?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
A Mexican that plays drums and is funny? This is a Mexican drama. You guys know how this works. Patrick does about a 20 to 30 or so solo. If the audience decides that his solo is better than Michael Gonzalez's solo, then my friends, Patrick Christopher will have to move from San Antonio to Austin to be the full-time drummer of Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
If Michael Gonzalez loses, he will have to move to San Antonio and fuck the barren vagina of Patrick Christopher's wife. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony, and this is a Mexican drum-off, and this is Patrick Christopher. Wow. The crowd goes wild. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Chris, what do you think?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That guy's got absolute... Heavy on the drums. Yeah. A lot of pent-up fucking energy and testosterone. Patrick, get back out here. John D. said, come out here and watch this ass whooping. The band all fucking backs each other up. We get to hear a lot of fun stuff that you guys don't always get to hear. They defend each other.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Patrick, that was a fantastic drum solo, but now the all-time undefeated, all-time Mexican drum-off reigning defending champion of Kill Tony, this is Michael Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Wow. Wow. We'll be wet back after these messages. All right. Come on. All right, how many of you have Patrick Christopher winning this Mexican drama? How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Patrick, get back up there.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You're a funny guy, Patrick. You know, I've never done this. I've never done this twice in one night, but seven years of comedy, everything you've done has been funny. I'm going to send you up to have Adam Egott look at you as well. So you're going straight up to do a spot in front of the booker of the mothership right now. Right now? Right now.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show next week. And here's the big joke book. Patrick Christopher, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. What a fucking episode this is. Also, can you put in a good word with Adam for me when you get up there? Even Tim hasn't gotten to perform in front of the Booker of the Mothership. All right. Ladies and gentlemen... Make some noise for Ray Chenevy, everybody.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Ray Genevieve. My God. Unbelievable. Fantastic. You've been on this show before, right, Ray? Yeah, it's been a couple years. Yeah, you're much better now. Yeah, thank you. You've been working hard. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That makes sense. Wow, says an absolutely retarded woman in the middle of the crowd. Her mind is completely blown at the fact that you could be from one of the most populous places in the United States of America. He doesn't even look that gay. You do have some wacky eyes, do you, Ray? I'm guessing upstate New York? An hour north, yes. Yes, you have dark, frightening eyes, Ray.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Beautiful belly button, but frightening eyes. What do you do for work, Ray?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What do you do for work? I work at the Sunset Strip. Okay. Wow. Oh, look at this. Look at the CEO over here, the boss man.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It's got to be hard to do AV in a place with unbelievably high ceilings. You fill the room with sound. I work very hard. Yes, it takes a lot of work. Okay. What's it like working for Brian Redband? A lot of people say he's one of the nicest bosses, that he brings his extra donuts and stuff to work.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I don't think he, by the looks of his face, he didn't know that you were doing that. Looks as though, give him four weeks off. All right.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Ray, what do you like to do for fun looking absolutely frightening?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I do the Chinese eyes or whatever. So absolutely nothing. You know how to say nothing in Spanish. That's the answer to the question from two and a half minutes ago. You know what's funny?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Right. Anyways. How do you say the guy with creepy eyes ordered multiple tacos? Nothing. What's your love life like, Ray? What do you stare at?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah? With, like, a date. Like, what's the last date you went on? Like, how does that go down? Are you on the apps?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What does your bio say? Does your bio say that you work at Sunset Strip?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What did that look like? What does you not smiling look like? Show us the... That is scary as hell. Yeah. Have any of the liberal girls that you've hung out with found out that you have common sense? Have you ever been, like, caught?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Ray, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What is going on in Slovakia to where you are trying to become a citizen? guarantee you haven't learned a fucking word or their language yet. Zero percent chance of that fucking.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Local presale starts Thursday, May 1st at 10 a.m. Also, the ticket drop for the Kill Tony tapings at the Mothership is this Tuesday, April 29th at noon. This is your warning. Those tickets are available at ComedyMothership.com. The tickets for The Killers of Kill Tony plus Tony Hinchcliffe at Madison Square Garden on Friday, August 15th are available at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
This doesn't make any sense. I'm just trying to figure it out. So you live in America. You're an American citizen. I would keep its dual citizenship. Sure, I got that. But instead of buying property in the greatest country in the world, you would buy property in? I don't know. You, like, don't even have an exact... Just spread my wings, you know?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I would love to have you on The Secret Show next week. Thank you so much. Here you go, Ray. Here's a big joke bug. All right, one last bucket poll. One last bucket poll. Make some noise for Mike Ayobebe. Mike Ayobebe. Oh, yeah, here he is. Mike Ayobebe.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It went from 15 to 90? 50 to 90. 50 to 90. I don't know if you know this, my dear friend Colin Sledge, but the amazing people over at Talkspace... You can talk to a licensed provider typically within 48 hours just by going to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter the promo code Space80 to get $80 off your first month. I love Talkspace. Yeah. Thanks, Red Band. Thank you. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
My goodness. What made you guys go to Minnesota first? You saw the George Floyd thing.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
How old were you when you moved from Nigeria to the United States? I was about 13 years old. Okay. And what was the biggest difference that you noticed other than white people?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay. Let's talk about Nigerian food for a second. Tell us about the cuisine of Nigeria. Go ahead.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Red Band has the sound effect of flies all around the foo-foo. Oh, no, get out of here. Get out of here, flies. Oh, man.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
How did your parents get American citizenship? Are they part of a special program or something?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Republican, baby. George W. Bush, a Republican. Yeah, he signed that thing. No doubt about it. We know him very well. So you went from the Bush because of a Bush.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Hell yeah. What did your dad do for work in Nigeria? Oh, my God. Crazy.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What is this that my grandma's eating? Why is there flies all over it?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I do Amazon, and then I do Uber on the side. Again, you went from the Amazon to work at Amazon. To the Amazon. Absolutely incredible. Man, there's just something about that Bush and Amazon. Bush to Bush, Amazon to Amazon. This is the American dream. What was that? It was a little jungle bird.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That's actually the name of that sound effect. It is Jungle Bird.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, my goodness gracious. He's doing it. Alive. We're getting word it just started raining outside. It is a downpour here in Austin, Texas. All out the rain right now. Yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Thank you for setting us up for that. That's good. That's good. I could afford an extra 1,000 of your therapy sessions because of what I just said. Thank you. Colin, what goes on in your life? Tell us. You seem like you're built for comedy. Thank you. You seem like this is your thing, but I can't picture you doing anything else. Do you do anything else?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I tried white a lot out there, you know? Yeah. What do you notice the difference between the white vagina and the black vagina?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That's too hard. That's too hard, bro. You would think based on history, it would be the other way around.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It's a lot of... Anyway. Yeah. Well, Mike, before I let you go, one more crazy thing about your life that makes you different. What's something that you're into or that we would be surprised to know about you? I got a college degree. No way. Yes way.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
You are awesome. I like your style. The minute was a little rough. You're a little rusty. But you are so charismatic. The interview, absolutely unbelievable. Appreciate you. I think you keep doing spots, keep getting out, keep working it out, and you're going to be just fine. Mike. Ayo, baby. You can't even make it up. Ayo, baby. Wow. There's only one way to end a show like this.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
William Montgomery is sick and Ari Matti is in Estonia, so I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here with yet another new minute, the guy who misses less than anybody. He's always here. Never fucking says, hey, can I take a week off? Hey, I don't know. His work ethic is unbelievable. He is the undeniable, the one and only.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
That is how it's done. Yet another new minute and some change for Cam motherfucking Patterson. Oh, man. Absolute anomaly. How are you, Cam? I'm good, man. How you feeling? Great. Hell yeah. This was such a fucking fun episode tonight, right?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, and boy, oh boy. That was crazy as shit, dog. And then it all went downhill from there. He tried to get out 23 seconds into his set. He's like, f*** it, f*** it, thank you, good night. That was incredible. That nigga retarded, man. It's all good. It may have been one of the wildest, though he started with pure heat and then he left with a barrage of booze and double birds.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
He meant that shit, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. He turned on this crowd. Cam, my God, you have been a relentless regular on this show. And yet you did it again. What's going on in your life?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It is an unbelievable car. He insisted that I go to the parking lot and check it out when he got it. And I got to tell you, I was really proud of you. It was incredible. The rims are shiny. The inside is classy as hell. A lot of space.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
To the stage, Infinity. Oh. Oh, my God. Camp, why would you get a second car? I don't know. Have you thought about buying property?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. From the second you said infinity, I'm like, I shouldn't ask him the color. It's kind of a boring question in front of millions of viewers. But I'll bet it's purple. I want to ask. I bet it's purple. It's purple-ish. Fuck you, Tonya. I know I can see the color. It's like purple. It's like almost black, but it's got like a purple tint.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, boy. That's tricky for you. We've done that once before. Turns out you get a little nervous. Yes.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Plum. John Dees, our senior black correspondent, is saying plum. And we know that it's plum. I can literally, I know you well enough to know the look on your face. Why do you think it's plump? I could show you on a fucking, I will have bread man bring up the fucking color thing and I will show you the color and you're going to drop the mic because I'm going to fucking nail it.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, okay. Well, that's kind of just like normal. Okay, here, maybe this one, this chart right here.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I'm gonna pick this square right here. How close am I to correct? That's the fucking color, dude. Go up a little bit. It's plum, dude. Pink? No, not pink. It's a little darker than that, but it's got that... You're wrong. If you had to say the color of the car, how would you describe it?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Oh, God. So much fun. What else, Cam? Anything else we should know about? Nah, that's it, really.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Cam, you are the man. Thank you so much. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Killing it, Cam Patterson. How about one more time for tonight's guests? Tim Butterly is on tour, timbutterly.com. Tim Butterly's show, check out Dad Meat. One more time for Chris O'Connor, everybody. Tires, season two, June 4th. Stuff Island is this podcast. Thank you to Blue Chew and Nicked Nicotine Pouches.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
These guys are on tour. Check them out. A. ChrisOConnor.com and TimButterly.com. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in. Thank you very much for having me, Tony. This is a fucking pleasure, dude. Tim Butterly.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Chris O'Connor. Fun times, gentlemen. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Love you guys. Go re-watch the Netflix special. Shout out to our good friend Shane Gillis for holding it down as the great Donald Trump and Kyle Dunnigan and Adam Ray and everybody, Rogan, Segura, all the special treats, Jeff Ross, everyone.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Live audience, thank you so much. We love you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Absolutely incredible. I'm sure the piano people listening to the show are cracking up right now. Colin, we love you. Great set. There you go. You got it started. The show has begun. And now to the bread and butter of the show, the beautiful, beautiful bucket. Oh, my God. I mean, unbelievable. What a sight for tired, weary eyes. It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
All right, back to the bucket, or to the bucket for the first time. We're going to meet this person all together and find out all about their life. Let's meet him. He goes by the name, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted, going to Josh Gideon. Josh Gideon.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
And there's still a few tickets available for the huge stand-up comedy show at Resorts World Saturday, May 10th at 8 p.m. Those tickets are available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. So Vegas, New York City, and Austin, Texas, the best. Chambers are loaded and ready to be shot off.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay, Josh Gideon. Welcome, welcome. Hi, Josh. For a second there, I didn't think you could say the N-word, but I guess the half-Haitian allows it, huh? I'd like to see you get away with that if you were just Korean. I would have loved it. I would have loved it. It was clean. John Dees, our senior N-word official on the... On the scene, absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Very Korean to be dropping a word like that, but here you are. How long you been doing standup?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Okay, you were in the middle of Virginia. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah. They pick it out when you get hired at Foot Locker. Right, that's what they do. Wow, so you wear the referee shirt and everything. That makes sense. Half Haitian, half Korean, split black and white, right down the middle, wearing a referee shirt. That makes sense. Wow. So you help people find shoes at a Foot Locker. That's all I do.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay. You've never been with her before? No, never. What was your big plan? What were you going to do with her?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How does that normally go for you? You seem like you'd be an awkward date.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Look at that. Looks like he found a date after all. Shane wants to get some drinks at Perla's after that.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I'm not going to say who, but two of the panelists have gas tonight.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How else has comedy been going, Andrew Tarr? What else is happening out there?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where have you been? What do you like? What do you hate?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Right, so just one state up, just a few hours away.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That is incredible. He is correct. I can confirm that. I'm looking at the name. Retard is in there. Juan Retard. W-A-N Retard. That is incredible. How did you know that? I don't know.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yep. Well, from Juan Retard to another, you did very good tonight. You have a big joke book? No, I don't. You've only gotten small joke books before.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, you're here. Are you guys excited to be here? That's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Make some noise for them. You've been listening to them. That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns. Charles Reid joining us on the drums tonight. Crushing it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I am. Because I don't even pay for these. These are made by the great Bones Eye. They're available at killmerch.com. Here's a big joke book. And I would love to have you on the secret show, man. Whoa. Book on the road. One retard, a.k.a. Whoa, there she is, the lovely Heidi, adding a little mustard to this sausage fest.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What are you going to pull a Bill Clinton over there? What's going on?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name, and it looks like the type of name that I like out of a bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Big Vinny. Big Vinny. Let's see what happens here. Oh, yeah. It's Big Vinny.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right, all right. So you went over the time there. Big Vinny.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay, relax. And you're a fucking pig. All right. Welcome, welcome, Big Vinny. He's a guinea pig. He is. Mark Normand. I love it. What the fuck are you wearing?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I love you guys. I don't think you need to jump off that high of a building to kill yourself, by the way. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. I think you could jump off the trunk of a car and fucking explode like a blueberry. You are a big boy. How much do you weigh, Big Benny?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, we got a scale for that, everybody. We got a scale for that. Let's guess.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He weighs one. Wait. Big Vinny, don't stand on it yet. I've never seen an obese guy this excited to step on a scale.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Ladies and gentlemen, this is that moment. Big Vinny steps on the scale. Let's see what happens. Mark, what do we got over there?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The male model Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys and Dee Madness on the bass guitar tonight. An unbelievable episode for y'all coming at you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Whoa, 365. That would mean that technically Shane Gillis wins with a 335. Ari overbid. Ari's closest, but this is the price is right rules. And the weight is great, one could say. You're incredibly not as fat as you look. Maybe you should stop wearing family tents today.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay. Capital Grill. Did you play football somewhere? Yes. Where? Brockport High School. Okay. Brockport High School. And how do you stay in shape? How could you beat Ari in a race?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Incredible, incredible. So you don't have a job. Did you live in Austin?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So what did you do at the auction house? Were you an auctioneer?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What's your love life like? Are you out there crushing mattresses?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No. Really? Two and a half months, no kiss? Nope. What are you doing? I was close with a black chick, but... Whoa. And then what? You called her the N-word and ran away? Is there a girl out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss? You know, we have some of the best fans out there. It has to be a volunteer. It's a segment on this show we've been doing for years.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Is there a woman out there that wants to give this big... She's literally saying no, lady. We got fucking Jelaine Maxwell over here throwing her girlfriend under the bus. She'll do it. She doesn't even want to kiss this fucking guy. Is there a guy who will kiss him? This will be a first if there's not a woman with the courage to kiss this man.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Is there really not a female that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss tonight?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my God. Wait, there's a woman that's going to do it. Oh, my God. Finally. Yeah. Shine. Shine. This is incredible. While we wait for her to come around, she's a sprinter, too. Oh, yeah. Look at this. Oh, yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my goodness. It's worth the wait. And by the wait, I mean she's the same weight as he is. It's time to get another one on this scale, everybody. For his first Austin kiss, everyone, this is Big Bitty. Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What a hero. What's your name, lady?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Miss Shelby. Hell, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Miss Shelby, how did that kiss feel?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah. Big Vinny. Big Vinny says he. Vinny, what's wrong with you?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Vinny, kiss her. What are you doing? Why are you being a coward? Big Vinny, you said you could find the clit. Good fucking luck with this. Yeah, yeah. I'm not kidding. Miss Shelby, where are you going?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
A violinist? Oh, my goodness. Say hello to my little friend. What happened?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I'm not going to. Come on, give him a hand job real quick. Let's make him cum. Let's make this pussy cum. All right. I have standards. How about a hand for Miss Shelby, everybody? Miss Shelby, you're a superhero. Thank you. Hell yeah. You wanted me to be mean. No one wanted you to be mean, dude.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Where'd she go? Give Miss Shelby one of these. She gets a big joke book. You get a little joke book. How about that? Andy didn't catch it. There he goes, Big Vinny, everybody.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well, well, well. You know, every single week I am lucky to be able to book some of the funniest people in the world on this show. Sometimes it's up and coming talent that you've never heard of before that I like to show off first. Sometimes it is an old legend of comedy that's joining us.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right. We're having fun in here tonight. Your next bucket poll, straight out of obscurity, goes by the name of Matt Bellick, everybody. Make some noise for Matt Bellick.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Matt, about like. I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't hear a word of your set. Mark Norman broke a glass cigar case, and a lot of it, the shrapnel went into people's drinks, and I'm making sure that the drinks didn't get drunk. It's literally on the can.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I got it. Yeah, I'm protecting us. On a very Jew-heavy episode, I'm protecting us from losing it all here. Eat the glass. I have to tell our fan base, don't drink the glass.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How much did that holla cost? Please stop picking it up. Don't even touch the glass anymore. Wow, I'm also cut. Oh, no. Fuck. Unbelievable. So, Matt, how's it going, buddy?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, going good. I love it. How long you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How's that been going for you? How old are you, Matt?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The wrinkles. Fuck. And it looks like you change oil with your hair. Jesus Christ. Incredible. Oh, man. You have pro wrestling, like, wet, greasy hair. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Tonight it is three of our favorite guests in the history of the fucking show. It doesn't get any better than this. As I bring to the stage, indeed, coming out, debuting with his newest Netflix special tonight at midnight, it's called America's Sweetheart. It is Ari Shaffir.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
There's the new Notre Dame mascot after Monday's game. It's D Madness, everybody. Holy shit. Is he all right? Oh, okay. He puts the two I's in Irish.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Matt, what's something crazy about your life we'd be surprised to know about you? Getting married in March. Hey, what's his name?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What are you afraid of? Before I let you go, what scares you? Just an honest fear. You don't have to make something up.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
There he goes. You have a little joke book yet? No, no, I do not. You don't? I'll take one. There he goes. Matt Bellick, everybody.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It was? Was it really? Matt, Matt, here you go. You have a big joke book yet? Yeah, yeah, it was good. You already have one from another appearance?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right. Is Juan ready? one back there all right yeah we have it we have a one hey this guy was on an episode a couple weeks ago i said that i wanted to see him again a very funny first appearance this is his second time on the show so good last time that i gave him this appearance let's see what happens in the second ever minute from one denmark everybody the return of one denmark
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The return of Juan Denmark. You know what I love about you? Is you can be as racist as you want to be.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay. I don't really acknowledge the power. Fuck yeah. It's limited power. It's like a solar energy, if you will.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Shane asked me a great question while you were on stage. If you want to turn sideways so that the... No, put the jacket back out. I swear to God, I thought you were not wearing pants. Yeah, it looked like you weren't wearing pants to our angle.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So you're wearing like Daisy Dukes and a full-on jacket, giant jacket with a big hood.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Too soon! Got a little bit of everything.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It is incredible. What's the gayest thing you've ever done?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Damn. Fuck. You found those on the floor at your uncle's place.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What is the most Cuban thing about you, if you had to guess?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
We got some Cuban music for you here. Well, we really can't see the hip movement with that giant jacket on. You guys are awesome.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Juan, remind us, what do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You do have an old soul. You have an old soul, as they would say. Indeed. Juan, what are some hobbies of yours?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I love it. Yeah, dude. Wow. You are like a white guy trapped in the blackest body. Yeah. This is my TV on the radio. I love it. Fuck yeah. So what are you most looking forward to helping people with psychology?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh my God. You are here in the vortex of comedy. Fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect Our Parks, this is indeed the boys, Mark Normand, Shane Gillis, and Ari Shafir. American Sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight. Americans or American? America's. America's Sweetheart. Belonging to America? Absolutely. That's me. That is you. The old red, white, and Jew. Mark Norman here. Sunglasses up.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay. All right, Juan Denmark. Interesting. Your first name is Juan, and your last name is Denmark.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Right before he executed... What does that mean exactly?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Red band. Give me the red band with a home run sound effect. Yeah, yeah. Here it is. Ready for it? Red band. Red band with a big funny. Big funny for red band.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What do you got, another Charlotte's Web joke up your sleeve for us? That was funny. I cannot wait to hennessy what happens next with you, Juan Denmark. Congratulations, you already have a big joke book. I do, I do. We'll see you again soon on the show. There he goes, Juan Denmark, everybody. All right, back to the bucket we go. And your next comedian goes by the name of...
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It will be the comedy stylings of Jake Coulter, everybody. Jake Coulter is next. Here comes Jake Coulter.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Nashville, Tennessee, one of the finest cities in the beautiful United States of America. We are coming directly to you. The Kill Tony Show, live from the Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th. Tickets are on sale now. It's one of the largest arenas we've ever done. This is your chance to get tickets. Go to Ticketmaster.com, type in the word Kill Tony, and get tickets now. We will see you in April.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right, Jake Coulter out there eating pussy, checking out buttholes.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
My dad. Okay. Jake, you've been on this show before. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
And you have a little bit of, what is your impediment exactly?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, you stayed young looking. Yeah. You're trapped, forever young. Forever young. Forever young. Tell us about the molestation.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Did something traumatizing happen to you when you were younger, though?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He's not something else. He's nothing, dude. He would never. I swear to God he's nothing. There might be a dude's ass out there with teeth in it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, shit. How old were you when you were bowling this time? Probably about 13. Okay, so you're 13, you're out there being a bowler.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Long day. Protect our parks. Five hour episode from what I'm understanding.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You don't just talk with your hands. You talk with an upside-down, like, fucking... John Dees has pointed out that your neck is also gay. You do gay things with your neck. There is a little bobblehead fucking... I just was throwing a bowling ball and there's teeth in a pussy.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Gotta have something, man. Come on. Yeah, you're totally not gay. Now tell us more about dropping balls on your head. Yeah, when your uncle used you as the bowling ball. Ah, the old three-finger splash.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay, did you immediately get knocked out?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Did you start talking like that immediately?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh my goodness. Yeah. You got fired from Dollar General?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking blacks. And brought to you by Bud Light. Shane Gillis is here, ladies and gentlemen. Three veterans of the show. You guys all know how it works. Who's on drums? That is Charles Reed. Michael Gonzalez is playing with Keith Urban tonight in a football stadium somewhere. This band plays. A round of applause for Keith Urban.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Wow. Got his ass. Wow. I don't think I'll ever survive. So how do you live without having a job? How long ago were you fired from Dollar General? You were fired today? Today. Today. Today. You went to work today, and they told you your services are no longer needed.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How long have you been working at Dollar General?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You got fired. That's pretty long. Today. There you go. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Was that a 10, Ari?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Wow. Wow. Jake, what size joke book did you get last time you were on?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay. I bet you got a big one. Yeah. There he goes. Jake, your jokes were really good, though.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Sweet kid. It's kind of a sad turn. All right. Let's do another special treat, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most prolific regulars in the show's history, I present to you a brand-new minute from one of the hardest-working men in all of the Austin, Texas, comedy scene. This is the return of Cam Patterson, everybody.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah. I... Love it, Cam. Right out of the Dollar General thing. Funny, funny, blame the gays, black chimney, brick chimneys, and ended with Asian N-words.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Beautiful. An absolute masterpiece. How's life going?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You got to loot a TV. Exactly. You really help people out there? Yeah. That's amazing. I can tell you're still covered in ash. Those are his dad. I love it. I love it, Cam. What else is going on? Ain't shit, just running around on the road, shit like that. Yep, you're crushing it. Life is good. Anything else from the panel here for Cam Patterson? He's did it again.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I love it. Cam, you fucking did it again. You are the man. Absolutely unbelievable. A new minute from Cam Patterson. Watch it happen right in front of your eyes. One of the best work ethics. We were talking about it earlier. Him and Ari Matty. Can't every night doing five, six, seven spots in this city. Your next bucket pool is from the inside, everyone. It could be one of you.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Ladies and gentlemen, your first inside the room bucket pool tonight goes by the name of Joe Bean, everyone. Joe Bean. Where he at? Joe? Is he here? Oh my goodness. Here he comes. Joe Bean. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Shane, no tickling Shane. Oh, he loves tickling me. Come on, make some noise for the inside zone, Joe B. What's up, Comedy Mothership?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
We're upgrading. Upgrading. We even got... Look at that. We got it all. We got a little fucking monitors here so that we can hear better for the first time ever.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Joe Bean, shockingly good for an inside-the-room bucket pool.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You got a laugh off of just laughing about it being like light-skinned people in a black family.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It is incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. Okay. And how long have you been a championship horse rider?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Is that really? Do you do that? No, actually. That is your calling. Do you know that? You do have full jockey head. Yeah. Yeah. Jockey body, jockey head.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Wait. Hold on a second. Get the tape measure. Oh, let's go. Did you just say you say that you're 5'6", but you're really 5'5"?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Shoes off? Shoes off, Joe. What kind of shoes are you wearing over there? No Zappados. He's got some wings. Oh, shit. No, Joe. Stand up. Take those Zappados off. And take off that hat. Go to the top of his head, Yoni. Get that hat out of here. Take off the hat. We don't know what's in there. Oh, there it is. Yoni getting a good measurement here. What do we got? My guess is 5'4". 5'3".
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
5'4 and a quarter. And bad news, Ari just picked up that quarter. That called the fight.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Are you kidding me? His last name is fucking Bean.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Incredible. So you did what your people do. That's right. You just made a baby as fast as you can.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I pre-pulled the first name. We've gone to wrangle them across the bar. It's all over you. A little brewski? Oh, yeah. One bud light down. Right on the new monitor. That's great. The table explodes.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It's incredible that he had someone to look down to his whole life. Son of a bitch.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So what do you do for work being such a shit Mexican?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Wow. Look at that. Yeah. Wow, two beans on a pod. So what does your son do for work? We know that a 22-year-old, that means that he's been working for at least 13 years. So what does he do?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Did he sign up tonight? He doesn't do stand-up, right?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Come on up here, little bean. Yeah! It's a family affair. Thank you, Rose.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That green light means that there's power running to it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Horn players know when it's getting a little too Mexican. They start playing the fucking Mexican.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
There you go. There he is. Oh, my goodness. Oh, man. I guess you guys are about the same height. Look at this. All these beans. We need some rice. That's rice. So wait, wait, wait.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my God, that is incredible. Ari Shaffir, with just using his massive nose, is able to gasp and smell.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my goodness. This is how the forest fire started. Uh... You guys know how it works. I pull a comedian out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The bean doesn't fall far from the tree here. What's your name, little bean? Alex. Alex Bean. Alex Bean. Oh, my God. What was it like having a father like Joe? Now's your chance to tell the world.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah. Thank God. That's so unusual. Why do you think she left? Were you a big crier? No. What the fuck, dude? I was talking to your son. No, I think... Oh, crap.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay, let's hear both of your theories. I think my dad has a little dick, don't you?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Then I also bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them and begins the interview portion of the show where I find out more about them, what they do, who they are, and what they could be talking about in this world. They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in a minute. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Yeah!
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yes. You're in communication with her? No. How do you know she's still partying to this day?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The old Mexican elf down at the South Pole. I'm a big fan of the beans. Absolutely, and I am as well. Elite beans. So much so... that I am giving you both a big joke book from the great Bones Eye. There you go. One for you, one for you. Give him the little one.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hell yeah. From Bean Light to Bud Light for Shane Gillis. From Brown Claw to White Claw for Ari. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of David Lynham. Everybody, David Lynham. What can possibly happen next?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
David, line him with a funny set. Hello. You're much funnier than you looked like you were going to be when you came out.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right, we're going to start it with a golden ticket winner who is from Los Angeles, California, currently escaping the fires. He's here with a new minute. It's been a while. This is your first comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Jack Shaw, everybody. The return of Jack Shaw.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Should we get him over here? You gotta get him over here. Somebody go get the ShamWow guy.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You gotta love it. A random Monday night in Austin, Texas. Go find that guy. Got the ShamWow guy. Got people in the front row drinking glass. Anything can happen. He could clean that up. David, tell us about your life. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
We have a tradition on this show. It's called a Mexican Drum Off. That's where we have a drum solo competition between two people. David, you're going to be going first here tonight. Here's the deal, David. If you win, you're the new full-time backup drummer for the band. Michael Gonzalez is playing a football stadium tonight.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
We are lucky to have the unbelievable stylings of Charles Reid as our full-time backup drummer. So you do about, I don't know, 20 to 30 second long. Wait a second. Is he about to balance that? Oh, my God. Wow. Look at that. That's his Ari Shafir impression, everybody. That's what Ari looks like without the drumstick. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
His new special, America's Sweetheart, out tonight at midnight.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You disgusting Jew. At midnight, America's Sweetheart. So anyway, if you win, you're the new full-time backup drummer here in Austin, Texas for Kill Tony. And you get to do comedy in Austin, Texas, too. You know what I mean? That would make you here in Austin. So now is the time, a tradition unlike any other. Okay, it's in his nose.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Charles Reed playing it cool, even though that's very disrespectful. There you go. Oh, oh, oh, he pulled back on the fist bump. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo. This is Charles Reed. Oh, he's picking his nose. All right, there is David Lineham with a drum solo, ladies and gentlemen. Charles Reid about to bury him with a shovel. Do we have to do it? Yeah, yeah, it's going to be cool.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Crowd's going to go wild. Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne as the backup drummer, one of the great freak talents of this, the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas, this is Charles Reid. Jesus fucking Christ. One of the most unbelievable ass beatings we've ever seen.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Unbelievable. This is the first time I've ever seen a black guy put his knee on a white guy's neck before. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Oh, boy. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, it's off. Okay. How many of you have David Lynham winning that? Just a boo from the crowd. Just one boo. Nasty motherfucker. How many of you have Charles Reid winning? But good news, David. Your set was good. Anything else crazy we should know about your life before letting you go?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, you just got beat by Biz. That's one show. Alabama, come on. You just got your ass handed to you by Biz Marquis. See, that's about as old of a reference as Charlotte's Web. We liked your set, though, David Lynham. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. Thank you guys so much. On to the next one, we're flying through it here tonight.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Your next bucket pool goes by the name of DK, everyone, DK. Thank you, thank you. Here's DK. One more time for DK, everybody. These people wait all evening for this opportunity.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
DK, fresh off of winning the drum solo competition. Dare I ask what DK is short for? Because I'm thinking of a video game right now. I'm thinking doesn't kill.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Can you give us an example of a time in which you were dramatic? You got pulled over. I'm one of those guys. Oh, we're groaning now. Two hours into the episode, we're going to start groaning. I just called him Donkey Kong a second ago. Everyone was fine with it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Thank you, sir. I can tell because the inside of his thumb is white. Okay. All right. Oh my God. I dug myself into a deeper hole and now we're getting applause. Let's go. Okay.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I've gotten a word that Drama King, that you once tried to fight one of the nicest humans in all of show business, Yoni, the producer of Kill Tony. Would you like to tell us exactly why? It would take a man named Drama King to ever want to hurt sweet, sweet Yoni.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Absolutely. I already knew that. If you're wondering who that is cackling, that's Yoni.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, okay. So, all right. That also would have been a weird one.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
A few feet away from the door. Yeah, it's confirmed by Yoni. Definitely right in front of the door. Where were you smoking? A black and mild? Crack. Oh, okay.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Who's getting tickled now? No, I'm not getting tickled. I would never get tickled.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Sounds about right. We taped a little episode of Broke Black Mountain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So I was smoking a blunt and you walked up and hit it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I don't know why you had to do that, voice drama king. God damn it, drama king.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Whatever, dude. Yeah, it was a terrible impression. Okay, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go, DK? Drama king, a man of many emotions.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Barely, yeah. Yeah, you be tripping, dude.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Exactly one minute from Jack Shaw. Not a second longer, not a second less. A man thrifty with his time. Ari Shafir, what's it like seeing your little brother?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What was that? Holy shit. Nothing. It was nothing. I ran out of big joke books. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There he goes. On behalf of Redman, I apologize.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Very good.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Great. Let's talk about it for as long as fucking possible. Please, everybody. Can we talk about it all night? I'm going to bring it up every time you can't edit it out.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Red Band. Please. Come on, man. For the love of God, everyone, can we please stop fucking talking about it?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Stop monkeying around up here. Are we having fun tonight? Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what's about to happen. Austin is so crazy that sometimes you have special treats that pop in. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you, here, to be on the podcast for a bit, this is indeed the ShamWow guy, Vince Offer! Vince, grab that microphone right there. Right there, right there.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It's right behind you. Get the mic. Wait, who's that guy? No, keep going, keep going. Wait, wait. ShamWow guy, who the fuck is this guy?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Anybody's name. He's one of those guys. Rap and rhyme? That guy raps?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Do a rap. Oh, shit. The ShamWow guys, welcome to an episode where we've seen it all. Ladies and gentlemen, the ShamWow guys' security guard is now going to... Wow.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, you're at the right show. Well, I want Tony to talk because I've always, you know. No, you're doing great. You and your buddy are fantastic. Like a team. It is. You guys are like co-partners meets cocaine. This is incredible.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, then you're calm. Yeah. He is a wild boy, Jack Shaw. How's escaping L.A. right now going for you?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No, hang out. This is fucking weird. Tell us, Vince, what have you been up to? I love Mark. You're such an amazing, mythical creature of entertainment.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I love it. Right now, sell it. Sell it, baby. Let's hear it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So wait a second. It's basically a ShamWow, but it's black. Oh my God. So it doesn't work? Damn, you can't. It makes a bigger mess.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You're too white. You're too white. Do you have a catchphrase for Black Wow yet?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Here we go. We're going to raise some funds. Vince, where did you meet this white rapper?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I've been informed that it has a 22% on popcorn meter. My question is this. Can you give us a ballpark of about how much money you made from the ShamWow universe?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Heidi knows the type of guys that will punch her in the face. And by the way, I got this. All right. Let me get back to the question again. Sorry. No, you answered it. About 20 million. That's the ballpark. And then what happened? Did the hooker thing cost you?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
But you're not in the line of fire there, correct?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right, well, anyway, what do we got? So how much did the hooker thing cost you?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, hey. There we go. Abso-fucking-lutely. All right. There's one for Bill.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
However, you are wearing clothes given to you by the volunteer fire department. Clearly, nothing fits you. You look like the little boy from the movie Big when he turns into a kid and is stuck with his grown-up clothes on. I got it free right off a body, dude.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I mean, you're jumping ahead there. I'm not going to let you work the soundboard over here, that's for sure. Oh, red band. Stop that. Do not do that anymore.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You're doing good. Vince, no one wants your protege. It's a dime a dozen.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It's okay. He did good. The rap was good. The rap was terrible, Tony. I'm just saying that. He moves on. Let Bill Murray's brother do it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, Vince, we're going to keep it moving along. Any last words to the beautiful audience here, to the people? Your first time live on stage.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, hang out. We'll all hang afterwards. Give Vince and his friends some mince's passes. Wow. How about that, huh? All right. We're almost to the end here. We have our first female comedian of the night, which will be our last bucket pool. Let's see how this goes. Ladies and gentlemen, a minute from Brie Collette. Brie Collette, everyone. Here she is, Brie Collette, everybody.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay. All right. Okay, you're really running with it there.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, obviously. Did you want to do, like, material? You burped and just talked about burping the whole fucking time.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Do you have any non-burp material you'd like to do? Okay. Thank you, Red Band. Very good. And it took him that long to blow it, everyone. A fart noise during a burp part of the show. That was hot. Fucking absolutely retarded. He's back, dude. Oh, my God. The king is back. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Sub-retarded business partner, Brian Redband. 13 and a half years working side by side.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my God. What are you talking about? Did someone burp into the microphone?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Not with her here. Right. Before. You heard a burp earlier, and you're like... Am I the one who's wrong?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Let me ask you this. If you didn't hear Mark burp many minutes ago, were you planning on doing your entire minute about burping?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No, I mean, I want her. I wanted her to do a joke when I brought her out here. I mean, I don't understand.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right. You want to root for her, but she's unlikable. Yeah, it's unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right, come on. Here, ladies and gentlemen, here to do some of her actual material, her non-fucking-burp material, ladies and gentlemen, Mark, put your microphone down. This is Brie Collette, everybody. Brie Collette.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Unbelievable. It is so great to see that Amy Schumer has new material. This is incredible. So how long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I forgot about that. So what's been going on? Tell us about your life, Jack, since we've seen you last. Anything crazy happening?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Two and a half years ago in Portland, where they find that type of stuff unbelievably groundbreaking and hilarious. Super hip. Super hip. It's not hot. It's hot. So how much material do you think you have altogether? Non-burp material.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh. What types of things do you talk about when you're not burping in front of millions of fucking people and the biggest opportunity that you'll ever have in your entire life which you will look back and regret on forever?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Can we hear a zinger? Come on, you crazy broad. I took the locomotive here. Took the locomotive here to hear some zingers. All I'm hearing is some upchuck.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Talk about something you read in the newspaper, the periodicals.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my God. All right. Here's a little joke book, Brie. That was... There you go. Boom. There she goes. Brie Collette, everybody. She can belch, which, by the way, everyone can do. Little fun fact is anybody can do that at any point. She was good.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time. William Montgomery has the flu, everybody. Yes! Thank God. William Montgomery with what some people are saying is up to a 103 degree fever right now. So he is out. However, ladies and gentlemen, here to close the show is literally one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Some people call him the American Dream. Some people call him the Green Card Goliath. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Matti!
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Three minutes and nine seconds of brand new material. Absolutely unbelievable. Ari Matty has done it again. Over three times the necessary work that you had to do. A whole cohesive bit. Thanks. You did it. I mean, it is just unbelievable. And you're getting in. You're just sliding into home base at the last second with your I'm still poor material.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Right before you announce a new fucking giant tour, I'm sure, because you sell tickets now. So this is it. This is your last chance.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That is true. That is true. We are exactly seven days away from an inauguration. That's your buddy.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I'm positive Trump will see this. I'm positive he will let you in.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, hopefully Aaron's audiences make more noise than he does.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He's definitely not. First of all, he's had a couple appearances on this show. I don't know if you guys have noticed it. Some of the most viewed episodes in this show's history.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He gave you a little book. It is true. It is true.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That's... That's what he said. Oh, my God. That's what he said. You'll find me in a week in the front row of the inauguration. Anyway, yeah, I'm positive Trump would love you. He has a great sense of humor, had his own roast 14 years ago, 15 years ago or so on Comedy Central. It was the biggest roast of all time at the time. And, yeah, he's got a great sense of humor.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He's one of the funniest people in the world. I don't know what he would think about your accent, though. That's the question.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Probably horny. Yeah. That's a wise observation.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Which reminds me, America's Sweetheart comes out... What else is going on in the wild world of RE Matty?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah. What do you think caused the diarrhea? What did you eat?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Were you at the Red Rose or the Yellow Rose?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, sorry. What were you saying about the yellow rose?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It's not exactly like a cool, oh, you know? They're slaves, is that what you're saying?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
She performs at the yellow gross. Amazing, Ari Matti. Amazing. You did it. Three minutes, ten seconds of new material. Ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin, Ari Matti. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. What did Chris Rogers do over there? Oh, Ari Matty. Fuck yeah. I think it's Ari Matty in blackface. Cam Matty. Ladies and gentlemen, did you guys have fun tonight?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I don't know if I mentioned this, but Ari Shafir's brand new Netflix special, America's Sweetheart, out now on Netflix. Check it out. How about one more time for the great Mark Normand, everybody? Thank you. And come on, ladies and gentlemen, one of the best to ever do the damn thing, Shane Gillis, everyone, here live in the flesh. Thank you, Shopify, PrizePix, Blue Chew, and ZipRecruiter.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It's easy to get them all confused. Jack, what else? How was Hanukkah?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hanukkah, Hanukkah, Hanukkah. I love Hanukkah, Tony. Jesus fucking Christ. How was Christmas, Tony? God, if you were any jewier, you would just fucking... Burn?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
If this was the Holocaust, Ari would be like, he's underneath the floorboards. Please, for the love of God, get him away from me.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Jack Shaw, way to get the fucking show started.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
We have begun. It has begun. And to our first bucket pool. This is where we meet someone all together. Even though this name looks familiar, I do believe we've seen this person before. This is a new minute from your first bucket pool tonight. Andrew Tarr, everybody. Here is Andrew Tarr.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Great set. Thank you. Best set you've ever had on the show. Yeah. Congratulations. Getting better out there. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah. Absolutely. Welcome back, Andrew Tarr. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All the Jewish heavy episodes so far. It's like the roast of Ari to celebrate.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Typical Jew joke. You squeezed every penny out of it. So what's been going on, Andrew Tarr? How's comedy? You're better. You look like you have some vitamin D in your system. What's going on?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All right. Thank you. That was good. Boom. Kyle Roberts. A stunning Kill Tony debut. Correct? I was on two years ago. Oh, you were on two years ago? Yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. You're funny as hell. Thank you. You weren't that funny two years ago on this show, were you? No, not at all. I'd remember you if you were. But look at you now. You've been working hard?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I can't fuck with people. No, it's good. You are correct. That is a starter set clothing straight off of a mannequin. Yeah. I didn't want to wear distracting clothing. Well, you played it just right, my friend. Perfect. We need Martin Phillips to draw a little something on there afterwards. Give it a little color. I love it. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. Five years.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Ooh, wow. The crowd goes wild for Chewy's Tex-Mex. You're a waiter there? I am, yes. Okay. You doing good? You working a lot of shifts?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Green chili rice is back. I work with a macho pork burrito every week. It's a red band. Wow, I hit your shoulder and pubes started flying up in the air. Look at that. A little souvenir for you, sir. You look like the... It looked like a gray pube. It could have been yours to begin with. Look at this fucking guy right here. You visiting from New York? Dallas. Oh, okay.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Well, geez, I guess I'm gonna ask. No, why would you say that? I'm from Dallas. This fucking guy. You look like a mobster. What do you do for work? Architect. Kills people.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It's going to be so funny in a half an hour when I ask somebody what they do for work, and they're like, I work at a sushi restaurant. You're going to be like, fuck, I wasted it on the Mexican restaurant guy.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Kyle, don't ask so many fucking questions. So what do you do for fun, Kyle?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So this will be your first time living with a girl. Yes. Do you have any weird habits that you're kind of nervous about?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
This is incredible. So you scream before you pee. How about when you stay at her place? Have you noticed anything weird about her? Does she have any weird... Anything stand out to you? Women can be, you know, I mean, just from my experience, they can make the bathroom a little messy. They put their shit everywhere. Are you ready to have an actual female roommate?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Everyone's consenting, yeah. Incredible. What does she do for work? She works at Chewy's.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
This is incredible. So it's going to be your first time living with a girl. You're excited. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You seem like a real creepazoid. So I'm excited to find out. Is there something? I'm right in bed.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, all right. Kyle Roberts, a hell of a performance. Fucking fantastic. Very funny.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Wow, there you go. He's booked. Here's a big joke book. Kyle Roberts. Awesome, man. I realize that I have an open wound on my hand from playing drums a little bit earlier. Oh, we have matching open wounds. Blood Brothers. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi. Oh my goodness. What a special treat. Easy on the eyes. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Incogni. Here's the problem.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Data brokers are gathering your personal information and selling it for profit. They scan the web for names, addresses, social media profiles, court records, and build detailed profiles on individuals just like you. This data then ends up in the hands of scammers, which leads to spam, identity theft, and even loss and control. over your own personal data. Sounds like a big problem, right?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
That's really good, Red Band. Absolutely incredible. While you can ask these data brokers yourselves to delete your personal info, this process takes hundreds of hours to do manually. So let Incogni do it for you. Take your personal data back with Incogni. Use code KILTONI and get 60% off an annual plan at incogni.com slash kiltoni. That's I-N-C-O-G-N-I dot com slash kiltoni.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All right, this looks like a new name coming out of the bucket, so we're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Jackson Rock, everyone. It's time for Jackson Rock.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, wow, there it is. Jackson Rock with an absolutely frightening set. Pretty sure he admitted to about two or three felonies in 60 seconds there.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
October 2023? Yeah. Yeah. And you haven't signed up since then. It's your second time. And you decided in between October 2023 and now to not practice anywhere whatsoever. Your thought was, I'll just go in there, come out guns a blazing, looking like a out of work magician. And I'm just going to take over the scene by storm. Just had to say, fuck it, dude. OK. All right.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What makes you think homeless people would want to have sex with you? They tend to have a really good sense of humor. I got a home. Well, you could. We don't know that for a fact. Do you have a home, Jackson?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So you're homeless. Took us a long time to get there. We went around and around and around. Turns out you are just as homeless as a homeless person. I'm finding out about myself right now, Tony. Indeed.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Really? And you make money doing that? Yeah, I had one yesterday. You made money yesterday? Yeah, man. Where at? Over in Bastrop. Okay. Yeah. The locals are cracking up right now. Bastrop! That is, for those of you that don't know, around the world, Bastrop is about, what is it, 45 minutes away? About 30. Yeah, sure. Sure. On the bird scooter that you're driving, I'm guessing it's 45.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
That's hilarious. Oh my goodness. And you're out there, they hired you for that gig? Yeah, man. And you go by the name Jackson Rock? Jackson Rock. What place did you perform at in Bastrop?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I love it. Jackson, what's your best original, you think? What's the name of that? What's it about? I have one that a lot of people like called Jim Beam.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Sean Greenberg. Is there any... Wait, we have an actual... Is that thing tuned? It is? Okay, Heidi, can you bring out the Kill Tony official guitar? I want to see... Oh, look, she was ready. You know, she is... She is as smart as she is stunning. A lot of people wouldn't guess that. A lot of people that just watched the show would probably guess she's a real fucking bag of rocks.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
But I'm telling you, she's a genius. She has the best spirit. She's fun to hang out with. She's always listening, paying attention. And she's got a big car. She has a big, beautiful, giant car. Oh, shit. Look, Rick Springfield, everybody. All right. So you're going to sing it and you're going to play it, right? And you're sure it's an original, right?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Because we can't set off the YouTube algorithm music thing or else we have to pay whoever the fuck actually wrote the song that you're doing. You got it? I got it. You nervous? Sweet home. It's just like playing at Gracie's in Bastrop, except there's just another few more million people watching. Give us a spotlight, Keno.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And here he is making his Kill Tony music debut with his hit song all the way from Bastrop. This is Jackson Rock playing Jim Beam. There's a man...
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All right. Jackson Rock. Turns out you're a fucking musician, Jackson. Solid ending. Yeah. That was great, man. Absolutely. You're also gay, Jackson. I don't know if you noticed that. No, I'm not. Yeah, huh? And I would know. No, I'm not.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
and make some noise for the best damn band in the land. There you go. That feels about right. Holy shit, what a performance, huh? This is J-Mo joining us on the keys tonight, everybody. Sean Greenberg on the electric guitar while John Dees and Matt Muehling are out of town. That, of course, is Huevos Rancheros, Grooveline Horns over there. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Jackson, you say you're not gay, but let me ask you this. What's the gayest thing you've ever done, Jackson?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I love that. That's very honest. It was a very quick answer. I love that. What was the circumstances of the spooning? You guys were just in the mood? We were just bowling, just hanging out. You were what?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You get to duct tape things together and become a multi-millionaire. This is incredible.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I can tell he's drawn to the disco ball. I can see what he's looking at. I know. Somebody wants the cheese, huh? Yeah. Jackson, so is this what you want to do? Is stand-up something you want to do?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You were too quick. I was ready. Well, Jackson, congratulations. Here's a little joke book. You did it. The lovely Heidi's gonna help you with that guitar. I just saw his penis go flaccid when he looked at Heidi. His penis went extra soft. Oh shit, look at this little sneaky cholo trying to go to the bathroom. Look at this fucking guy. Look at you, dude, I love it. All right. Oh, man.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
This is fun. How about a hand for Carrot Top? We're having fucking fun here tonight. Already fucking making his claim for possible guest of the year 2025. Halfway through the show. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Molly McGee, everybody. Molly McGee. Hi.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Nachos Bel Grande. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Big Mike, getting a little bit bigger every week. We have a little thing, we put his head against the wall and use a pencil. He's getting bigger and bigger every single week. Big Mike, we love Big Mike. That's a good Trump impression. I've never seen a Latino do a Trump impression before. You know what?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Molly McGee, this is an unbelievably great minute. I guess I'm just surprised. We've had, not to be sexist, but the female comedians as of late, especially the last month or so, it's been real rough. So my expectations when you came out were very low. I love it. And your stuff is topical. It seems real to you. Is that all kind of true?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Absolutely. There you go. And what do you do for... How long have you been here in Texas?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're a disabled veteran. Holy shit. You are cool as fuck. No, Red Band.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're welcome. No. Red Band likes to go to disabled veteran female strip clubs and watch them roll around.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You get a discount if they have less limbs than a normal stripper at the disabled veteran strip club. It's called the Camouflage Rose. It's in Bastrop, for those of you that don't know. So... So, Molly McGee, what branch of the military were you in?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, my God. Are we beside your ass now? Yeah. Was this an Iraqi soldier or an American?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Wait, they were females? Yeah. And what made them do that to you? Can I ask that? Is that a crazy question? Well... It's an improvised show.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What is that? What exactly? She doesn't remember doing what her joke she did.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Right. I could have went a lot worse. Wow. How cool. You're amazing. This is incredible. You're so funny. How old's your kid?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So you really did get him out of California at the right time. Shit is going a little wackadoodle dandy out there, huh?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yeah. It's wild. I love it. So how do you like Austin? What do you do for fun here?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're going to the White House, buddy. And ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar, live, in the flesh, the real deal, D motherfucking Madness. We have a hell of an episode planned for you here tonight. I'm very excited about it. Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You have a boyfriend? Nope. Are you sure? Do you just not remember him right now? I don't right now. Yeah. He's watching the show like, what the fuck?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You brought a guitar? Heidi, oh, my God. What a special fucking... What a special treat this is. How many times have you signed up for this show? Tons. Tons? Tons. Can you give me a ballpark? I'd say... Almost every- Like 10 or 15.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And this is your first time. Do you always bring the guitar when you sign up?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh my goodness gracious. We just heard your brain waves on the microphone there for a second. Ladies and gentlemen, what's the song you're gonna play for us? It's an original, right? Because we can't do covers. What's it called? It's called Jack Daniels, I love it.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Molly, you are cool as shit. Yeah. Song's a little long, a little Pink Floyd-esque.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It's like a Mellencamp song. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah. She was like, shine on you crazy eyelids over here. It's like a 14-minute long fucking start slow, goes back to the chorus twice. Forrest Whitaker's passed, by the way. Yeah. If a song falls in the forest, Whitaker. All right.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I get it. You think your eyelids are lazy. You should see D-Madness' actual eyeballs. They are the laziest eyeballs. They've done nothing his entire life.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Amazing. You are such a cool person. I love your style, Molly McGee. You're leaving here with the big joke books. Write another minute, come up, sign up again, okay? There you go, she caught it. Molly McGee, everybody. How fun. Two musical guests in a row. plowing through it. Oh, wait, it's time for a prop. Let's do it. Carrot Top's got a little something for us.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Hello, do you see me? England? London? It's me, the young king, here with the prime rib minister, Brian Redman, inviting you to the lovely O2 Arena for one night only, June 7th. That's enough. It's enough. Too much sauerkraut for your hat. Get in front of the sign, you baffo. That's why you're not true royalty.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Have you run into problems? I guess you're mostly in Vegas, but has that ever been an issue, flying with your wild stuff?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Seems like all the volume's coming from this side. Is this side ready to start the fucking show? Every single week, I book this show strategically, myself, all by my fucking self.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
They're the shit. Seriously. We're having a blast. You're doing okay. The band, honestly... All right, let's get back to this bucket. We're gonna meet another comedian. Make some noise, one minute uninterrupted for Jordan Gilpin, everybody.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And I have been excited very few times more than tonight for this is one of those nights where I knock off someone who I've wanted as a guest on this show since its inception 12 years ago. Every Monday for 12 years, we've put out an episode, and this man has never been on before. One of the greatest comedians of all time.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Jordan, it is quite the outfit. I'm glad you took a break from renting tourist kayaks to come do stand-up here tonight. How long you been doing stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, so you wrote for a long... You're clearing the room, look. Yeah. That's a good job. People are going in. Only Rickles did that, you know. Stick around. So Jordan, what do you do for work? I work at a barbecue place. Please say rent kayaks. What is it? I work at a barbecue restaurant. Okay. You want to give them a shout out? I work at Franklin.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, yeah, that is one of the bigger ones here. What do you do at the barbecue restaurant?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
First day. First day. Yeah, yeah. So what do they have you doing? If you were hired as a cutter and you haven't gotten to cut the meats yet, what exactly are you doing at work?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Michael, relax over there. Can we keep him over here? Jesus Christ, what are you having, your own side conversations? You're cracking up at the number thing. Relax over there, Michael.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So you got to sweet talk them out of it. Yeah. OK, so let's do a little thing. Let's do a little, give me a little barbecue music. And I'm going through the line here at the barbecue restaurant. And I've been waiting in line for hours. And here we go. God, I love the barbecue music here. Oh, I'm finally up in line. Oh, hey, how are you? Can I get some food?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Do you have ribs? I do have ribs. Oh, you're supposed to be out of ribs. I want to find out what it's like when you're out of something. I'm sorry. You have all that stuff, but I'm really here for the ribs. I've been waiting all day for ribs.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I like it. What a fucked up system. Let's go regular lighting here. I just figured out what you do. That is so interesting. So they're deep in the line when you talk to them. Yes. And they're starving. Yeah. And they've been waiting for hours.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And you just come up to them. Are you dressed like that when you go up to these hungry, angry, starving people? Just, hello, hello. The lady in the pink sweater is going to eat what she wants. What? Best of fucking luck to you. I can't guarantee anything. What the fuck? What's the angriest somebody's gotten at this part with you? Has it happened yet? Has there been like, come on, man.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Get on your fucking feet and make some noise for the great and powerful Carrot Tom!
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yeah, you don't look like you would even... You look like you would just take the money.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I give off more of that vibe, yeah. It's a good barbecue joint. Do you try any of the other barbecue? Do you eat barbecue? I do, I do, yeah. Have you tried the competition?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He's gonna think of a better question in just a moment. Uh... Yeah, that's what we just described.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Hell yeah. All right, Jordan. Good job, Jordan. Fun times, my friend. Good interview, good insight into the barbecue world of Austin, Texas. There's a little joke book. Thank y'all. There he goes, Jordan Gilpin, everybody. And it's a perfect time to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the show's history, everyone.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Ladies and gentlemen, a juggernaut, an absolute superstar flying through the cosmos at a billion miles an hour, I present to you Truly, who I believe is the top young rising comedian in the world. Make some goddamn noise. This is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Thank you so much. Fuck yes. Cam Patterson with the brand new minute. Yeah, yeah. That was great. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Do what you want to do, nigga. All right. probably has the same hair as Tyrone Drawles. Is that his name?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, good. That's nice. That's good. That's nice of you. People might not know who their gay black friend is.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All those options that are on a movie set that you could possibly eat, and you just had a plate of watermelon?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He's been working in Vegas for 30 years. He's been doing comedy for 40-plus years, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this fucking guy. Thank you. Turns out... Thank you. Great hair. That's good hair right there. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight, Carrot Top. I'm so happy that you're here. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this...
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're funny. Cam, you're a fucking superstar. We're gonna get back to the bucket. He's done it again, folks. That's it. Right in the middle of his show. Superstar. Cam motherfucking Patterson. He is something else. There's never been anything like it.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Someone like him writing and performing a new minute every week while putting it together, the long, long sets that he does on the road, and somehow kicking out a new minute every week on this show. This looks like a familiar name coming back out of the bucket for the first time in a while. Make some noise. A new minute from Jake Coulter, everyone. Jake Coulter.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
There it is, all the way to the limit, Jake Coulter. Welcome back, Jake.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, a year and a half. Remind me what happened last time you were on. It was something kind of epic, right? I remember a big moment happening with you.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
That's right, that's right. That's right. But in an unbelievable twist, you're not. What is your condition?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Let's see that. I mean, we gotta see it. Wow. Wow. That is incredible. Now do both. Do both. Can you do both? No, no, no.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
The absolute best, a Texas delicacy, the greatest grocery store in the world.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Wild little bucket where anything can happen. The whole show's improvised.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Is that what the doctor said you are? Yes. Cross-functional. Oh, man. Wow, and what is it that you find yourself doing the most at HEB, with all of these functions that you can do?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Red band, why would you hit that? Only once. It was so perfect. You should hit it again. I love it. So they told you that you're cross-functional. They said you're highly talented, and you haven't done anything yet, but you're going to start as a bagger. So they think you're retarded, too. This is very exciting that I'm not the only one.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I know a lot of you, when you heard the retarded thing, you're like, oh, Tony. But it turns out I have the same opinion as HEB's human resource people. Incredible. We feel that you're in the spectrum of all the jobs that you can do here at H-E-B. That's gonna be great. We're gonna start you at bagging, and, um... Oh, man. We'll see how that goes, and then we'll see your other functions.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yeah. Just a bucket of confetti. Young people don't know that. Yeah. Nobody remembers that at all. Oh, look at that. Oh, shit. That might have been the guy. That's destiny right there. Shit, that was the guy that was going to come up. Look at that. I love this guy. Let's just do it. Yeah, let's go with that one.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yes. Don't put the bread in first. Don't put the eggs in first. Everything else is fair game. Try to keep it evenly balanced and then put the bread and the eggs on top of that stuff.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Otherwise, that's very mean of them. I wonder if they have special music over in the Tortilleria. What do you think it sounds like over there? Wow, unbelievable. The best damn band in the land, featuring Grooveline Horns, AKA huevos rancheros. This is so exciting. What else? They have the Tortilleria. What else is there? Tell us more. Do you have your schedule on your phone there?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Let's get his phone unlocked. I need the lovely Heidi to unlock his phone. I want to know all the special sections of the H-E-B.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
H-E-B for those of you listening to around the world. I know you're hearing the crowd go crazy. You've heard it come up before, but I mean, there really is no describing how unbelievably, I mean, it's beyond, it makes Whole Foods look like a goddamn fucking goodwill. It is incredible. Have you, have you been, so you've been physically there. Let's pull up this training schedule.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I'll let you pick the second one since I was going to anyway, this fear and loathing looking fucking guy. I love it. That'll be bucket pool number two. We'll get these people all ready. And I'm excited for you to see the show Carrot Top. When I pull a name out of a bucket, that means these people that had no idea they were going on stage get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're going to get fired before you start. Just to let you know. I'm just kidding. H-E-B loves us. We have a mutual relationship. We perform at the H-E-B Center every New Year's Eve.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What does it say? It's from him. I don't know. Okay. What do we got here? Can I look at it? All right, perfect. Let's see what we got here. This is very exciting. Oh, welcome to training at H-E-B. Well, well, well, Tuesday, no shifts. Wednesday, training. Thursday, no shifts. Friday, no shifts. It doesn't, you have no shifts. Oh, here we go. All right, here we go.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Thursday, May 22nd, you shall start at 6 a.m. and work until 2.30 at the Tortillaria. Friday off, Saturday off, Sunday, 9.15 to 4 p.m. Bagger. Wow. It starts big. The next week, no shifts whatsoever. And that's pretty much it. We're off to a good start. Which is perfect because that's when this episode comes out and it makes sense. It's like they already know. Right? Yes.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're just adorable, Jake. I gotta tell you. What do you do for fun when you're not...
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
This is incredible. Incredible and you sure you still have it dogs have been getting loose lately. Yeah No, I keep a camera on him.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
No, just come out and play the drums What's the Great Dane's name Z Z. Yeah. Okay. What made you name him Z? Oh Um, I don't know.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I got a show tomorrow night. I love it. Well, Jake, congratulations. You already have a big joke book? Yes, sir. Yes, you do, so keep filling it up. There he goes, Jake Coulter, everyone. We're going to keep flying through it here. Jake, put that mic back where you found it there on that axe real quick. There he goes, Jake Coulter. All right, I guess that's good enough, Jake.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. There's gonna be bread on the bottom of those bags.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Look at that. Oh, these hoes love it. Look at these hoes. It takes a lot to satisfy their beeping vaginas. These three right here have an insatiable appetite for number three, I do believe it was. That was like a glory hole joke, I think. Oh, I love it. It's incredible. This is so fucking awesome. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. We know this young man.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear. And then that interrupts them, and I conduct an interview, and we all talk about their lives together. They go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast in absolutely no time at all. Stars are made.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He's a young legend around these parts, one of the great mothership door guys. You've seen him before. He won an appearance on the New Year's Eve show at the HEB Center just this past year. This is, I believe, his first time since then. Make some noise for the next appearance of Law Coger, everyone. It's Law Coger.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Law Coker. One of the great door guys here at the Mothership, which are all professional stand-up comedians selected by the Booker at Amiga. Doing a lot of spots every single week. These are the people. This is the future. Right here, Carrot Top.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Except for D-Madness. He never looks at me. You can look at me. Salah, you're so fucking funny. Unbelievable. I love how present you are. The acknowledging of the dumb white bitch in the middle of the room. That's so good. Perfect timing. That's what it's all about, is having stuff to talk about, but being light on your feet in the moment. Absolutely perfect set. So good.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Idiots are discovered here on this bucket, and they'll be getting feedback from the great Carrot Top tonight.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
We're all thinking it. Just to let you know. Just to let you know. I saw Deep Madness looking at the ground when you got on stage. The sound waves are coming from over there. Law, what's it like being a short-ass? Now, see, you're his boss. You can say that. I can't. I can say two-thirds of it.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yeah. you could fit in this purse and also probably be a number three, I'm guessing, at the same time, which is a very rare treat. There you go, you have that and that. Oh, damn.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All right, out of here. It's going to be great. And kicking off the show, one of our greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Doing a brand new minute, make some goddamn noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Wow. Nice. Oh, big Mike Gonzalez excited over there. Another. Let's go. So you're the spinner. I've never heard of a man. There you go. What's a spinner? There you go, red band. There you go. Okay, so where did you meet this six-foot-one behemoth? Uh, the bookstore. The bookstore. That's where you go to pick up the bitches.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Very smart. Very smart. You are a smart cookie. And what's your approach at the bookstore? Do you do the thing where you're on the other side of the bookshelf and when they take a book, you're like, hello! Like that or something crazy. Yeah, Ghostbusters style.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Law, anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on? Before he kills me.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He really is. And I'm here next to him every week. Jesus Christ. He always has a term for everything disgusting in the world. The curdling. Oh, God.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So, how, why are you doing this? And how does this six-foot-one woman like that? That doesn't seem fun for her at all.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
No, we're not. What's the longest you've gone without releasing the many children between your legs?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What the fuck do you mean? You didn't hook up with somebody? You didn't jerk off for 97 days? Yeah. Well, what happens at the end of 97 days? You have to just get a new place after that? Jesus fucking Christ. That's like when a fire extinguisher explodes or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. So what was that like?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What made you finally... What happened on date 97 where you're like, I gotta just do this?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I gotta ask you this. Was it a... Was there any chance it was a blowjob and this poor girl is just... fucking basically bonging a beer of semen. Just... What the fuck happens there?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I don't know. Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show again. Law Coger has done it again. A fantastic rising comedy star. Awesome. And on and on it goes. The great Law Coger. And we are on to our next bucket pool. It is a one-word name. Those are always shockingly interesting, we find, in the 12 years of this show. So let's see if this one keeps the tradition alive.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Hello, Shino, am I saying that correctly? Shino, yeah, it's good. Shino, hi.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I love it. Shano, welcome to the Shano. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And here you are. You finally made it, and that's the minute that you had prepared. You had 23 weeks to possibly come up with more or something different, and that's what you did. It's good. We know who you are. You're definitely half Japanese, half Mexican. You love rice of all kinds. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, shit. Wow. That is incredible. And how much money did you save up to move to Austin? I didn't have to buy a construction shirt. Leave him alone. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
How much money did you save? Like 10 grand. So you saved 10 grand. That was Halloween.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay. So you saved 10 grand, and that was Halloween, right? Yes. So you've just been blowing through that since you got here?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Again, that's one of the local regular audience members cracking up. He laughs at the funniest things. There's something about saying that you graduated from Texas A&M 20 years ago really got him. So you saved a bunch of money. What do you spend your money on, Shano?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You turned really Japanese right then. The Japanese side really came out. Did you guys notice that? He was kind of just American. So you moved to Austin specifically to become a star on Keltoni. Have you been practicing? Have you been doing other open mics?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It's a long story, Tony, but... It's so bizarre that people just wait and don't... It's like if you went to go perform at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee, and it's like, I'll just wait to learn guitar there. I'm going to pick up a guitar when I get there in Nashville, and I'm going to show them. You could do... There's literally open mics fucking everywhere.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Everywhere, every night, there's like 15 a night, minimum, here, within blocks of each other. And you've chosen not to... I was doing those, Tony.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're like, this has been two months. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It is true. You're a little bit, you have your business a little out of order.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
The lipstick stain. You know, he actually has a... He's half Japanese, half Mexican, so you have a little eating utensil. You have an eating utensil that would work.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Chanel, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? Give us something that sets you apart from everybody that's ever been pulled out of this bucket before. There must be something that's happened to you or that you've done or something that you've seen in your life. What's the craziest?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
craziest shit you're a guest on a podcast right now your stand-up part sucked and you can save it all right now
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Wait, you just say comedians? Hold on, there's so much happening. You just related to comedians by saying that we get caught drinking and driving a lot?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You get caught a lot, so you drink like a Mexican and you drive like a Japanese guy. That was... Solid. Solid. Chanel, here's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along. Solid. This guy's shocked, by the way, for some reason that he got a little joke book and I said his set sucked. He's absolutely shocked right now. Chanel, do you think you did, like, great or something?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All comedians put things in my drink. You got to put the pudding. All right. All right. This looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Kimberly Coaster.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He does it all the time. He comes out, he wobbles his ass out here, and he just fucking crushes. Harder than almost 99% of what we would consider the able-bodied people. Well, fair.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So good. Again, I don't want to seem like I'm hating on the women. It is so rare that we get a funny female bucket pull. I don't know if it's ever really happened before where we've had two hilarious women pulled out of the bucket. Oh, thank you. Very funny.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
That dry pussy joke really caught us all off guard. Self-deprecating and perfectly put. I mean, I don't think anybody saw that coming. Fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
We love it. We love it. Patriots. We love the Army. We love our country. It's good to have a great military. Not necessary to always have to use it. So here we are, Kimberly. And now you get to be, you know, you're single.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay. Again, the same girls that cheered for the big dick purse are going wild right now. Who would have guessed?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay. So the father's black. I'm sorry, Carrot Top. There's parts where Carrot Top has to duck down so that he doesn't lose his residency in Vegas. Get in your trunk, Carrot Top. Get in the trunk. I'm going to pull you out of the trunk. I got one for you guys. You're going to love it. I love it. We're having fun here.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Absolutely. And it very rarely has anything to do with his condition. He's not like one of these guys that just is a one-note guy. You're like a real comedian that just so happens to have cerebral palsy.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, okay. Yep. That's close. That was close. Yep. That's one level. All right. So, Kimberly. Kimberly, I love it. What's your date? How do you date? What's your situation? Because you seem like a little fucking, you seem like you got a little feistiness, a little horniness to you. You seem like a real fucking, you seem like you have a little fire behind those eyes.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, yeah. Like curdling? Yeah. Okay, right. So gross. So none of these guys that you've been with since the baby daddy, or the baby padre, I guess we would say. Is that the right word? Yep. Good job. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. So, you haven't dated anyone longer than six months. Not really. How about just banging? You ever have a good one-night stand?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Did you hear the pitch that she went to? Yeah. She had a flashback there for a second. Amazing. Hell yeah. You're a little funny, Kimberly Coaster Cougar. What do you do for fun now, Kimberly, now that you're a Texan?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
That is so cute. You're such a sweet lady. I bet you find it just fine here. I hope so. Have you been to the karaoke places around here?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay. You need to try, what's that fucking? Egos on Congress. Yeah, you're going to love it. The place is a real fucking little just divy crazy dump. It is just a hot fucking dumpy. I mean, it is as Texas creepy karaoke as it gets. The people there fucking are there every night. It's the same people. You will fall in love with this place. You drank?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, relax, you little fucking. There's a dumb slut in the middle of the room. Oh. Okay, we're having fun here. Kimberly, anything else crazy about your life we should know about you before we let you go?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And clearly you make your own, you paint your own t-shirts. That's incredible.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Hey, this is your only chance to see us on the other side of the world, because we're pureblood Americans. We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way. But we are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Well, let's see. We need to hear you yodel. Let's see if you can make the lights flash here. Ladies and gentlemen, she's not going to sing karaoke, but one of the first ever comedians to yodel in Kill Tony history. You never know what could happen here on Kill Tony. One second. We're laughing. The next, we're yodeling. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kimberly Koester.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I see my producers are absolutely ecstatic over here. Wow. Kimberly, I'll tell you what. You need to sign up again. This is a big joke book. Kimberly Koester, everybody, making her Kill Tony debut. That was great. So much fun. Let's get the one more bucket pull. We'll make it fast, because we're in overtime now. It's an extra long, fun episode. How about one more time for Carrot Top?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
We're having fucking fun here tonight. This is so much fun. This is even, this is so, this is literally better than I even expected it to be. I thought it would be this much fun, but it's literally better. I thought it'd be a lot better, actually. I gotta be honest. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket full of the night goes by the name of Charlie Mack, everyone. Charlie Mack.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. Make some noise one more time for Charlie Mack, everybody.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I... Dark colors, dark colors. D Madness is my stylist, and I wear what he sees. Okay. Sick. We trade off. I dress Dee and he dresses me. That's my motto. It says that right above my closet, which I... Dee looks like shit.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Ladies and gentlemen, he has arrived. Charlie Mack has joined the fray. Holy shit, Charlie.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, you're going to fit in just fine around here. My goodness. For a second, I thought the curtain fell off the back and started floating to the front, and then I realized it was a human being. They always think I'm security.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You are something else. Yeah, you are very fucking funny. How long you been doing stand-up? Six years. All of it in Houston? No, I live in Austin. Oh, you live in Austin. So how long have you lived in Atlanta? Atlanta? Oh.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All right. That makes sense. You look like both a bull and a bear, so this is perfect. It's just show. I'm gonna let you live. Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize Chicago had a black bean. Yes, that is a callback from one year and three months ago. That's right. And still the reigning defending knower of the bean is me. Not a day goes by where I don't hear about this fucking bean moment.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And finally it comes back for a joke. I didn't even know the joke was funny. Someone was here. They said they saw The Bean in Chicago. I said, what the fuck's The Bean? The crowd fucking freaked out at me. Turns out I was the only person in the world that had somehow, even though I've been to Chicago a hundred times, never saw The Bean, never heard of The Bean.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It just completely avoided me my entire fucking life. Anytime anybody talked about The Bean, I wasn't in the room. I've never seen it. I've never heard of it. Now I see it every fucking day. It's in the news every day. People tag me and shit. I get sent emails about The Bean. The Empire State Building, the actual Empire State Building, DM'd me.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It has an account just like, they're like, we love that you don't know the bean. If you ever want a free tour, you and the crew come to the Empire State Building. I get hit up by other landmarks because they love that I don't know the bean. Fuck, I'm glad I asked. And now it comes full circle.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I love it. I have 432 questions for you, Charlie. Let's go. So you've been doing stand-up, what was it, six or eight years? What was it? Six years. Six years. And you're from Chicago.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
How dare you? That is not true. That is not true. You look fantastic, Dee. Oh, shit. What a fight it would be. Cerebral palsy versus completely blind. Once he gets his hands on you, he will not let go. He would play you like a fucking bass guitar.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You're fucking funny. Very funny. Do you really do sales? No, I do comedy full time. Okay, perfect. That makes sense. I can see that. How many times have you signed up for the show? Like, this is my fourth time. Okay. Thank goodness we got you out of there.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Hey, you're stealing my act. This is incredible. Man, Fuck Them Kids by Charlie Mack. This is hilarious. Let me see this one. What is this one? Ah, fuck. Fuck Them Kids. This one's a kid in a crib. It's called Lay Your Ass Down and Shut the Fuck Up.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Absolutely amazing. Am I missing one? There's just two, right? No, just two, just two. Okay, perfect. I got the hard copy. I love it. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, perfect. No, whatever you want me to do, I will do. Charlie, that is, I'm taking orders from you. Whatever you say, I will do. First of all, the first page says, to all pedophiles, I truly apologize for the misleading title.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I mean, this is unbelievable. What does the second page say? I'm going to read it. You start with that. I'm just going to read it. It's got to be great, right? I don't know how to read, though. I got you. I got you. These kids are... Look, see, it's adorable. It's like actual pictures of kids. And it says, these kids are bad as fuck. Parents aren't whooping ass enough.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
If you're slow, you should know I'm here to catch you up. Grab a belt, grab a switch, or even grab a shoe. And if they start acting bad, you should know just what to do. That's good. Parents nowadays, they are soft as baby shit. Just know I'm beating ass if you let me babysit. You know, I'm not gonna read the whole thing, because I want you to sell these things. How can people buy them?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Where can people find your books at? Uh, www.FunnyCharlieMac.com. FunnyCharlieMac.com. Wow. You are a fucking superstar. You're built for this shit. This is absolutely incredible. Thank you, thank you. I love it, man. That's so cool. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? I work out, believe it or not. Really? Not a joke! What do you do, run the jewels?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
No, for real, but she did hypnotize me, and I haven't eaten meat since last May. Isn't that wild? Hypnotize was also one of your hit songs back in the day, wasn't it? Baby, baby. Yeah. It was all a dream. Oh, my God. I used to eat nothing but ice cream. Look at you now, Charlie Mack. Have you eaten some of the local cuisine around here?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Have you been to, like, Terry Blackest or anything like that? Is that a real place? I heard the word black. I don't know. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, another H-E-B shout-out. I love it. We love H-E-B around here. I love it, Charlie Mack. My goodness. I, uh, yeah. What the fuck am I supposed to do with you, Charlie Mac? We already have a David Lucas that I'm in. You are fun. We'll just call it. You're a golden ticket winner. Congratulations. Congratulations. joining the exclusive club of wildly successful comedians.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You will now be famous, you will sell a lot of books, and we're sending you straight upstairs right now to perform in the longer set in the little boy set, the full-time talent booker, the best talent booker in all of comedy, Adam Egott, formerly of the Comedy Store, now of the Mothership.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He's gonna watch you do a longer set, and perhaps you can become a more full-time comedian here at the Mothership. You fucking did it. Here's the big joke book. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen. You saw his Kill Tony debut. He's gonna be at the Secret Show on Thursday. He's doing the Secret Show as well. And there you go. That's how it happens. They're all discovered here, out of the bucket.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
A fucking perfect episode of Kill Tony. And ladies and gentlemen, what a special moment this is. William Montgomery went to go see one of his favorite bands tonight. But in his place, I present to you a young man who just so happens to be the talk of all of Los Angeles, all of the industry, all of Austin, Texas, truly a freak of nature, and one day, very soon, will be an American citizen.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Thank you so much. Thank you so much. The iconic Ari Matty with a new two minutes and 50 seconds. Let the record show that he does it every week. And meanwhile, he does extremely long sets, flexing above and beyond even the parameters of the show with long, brand new, fresh off the fucking presses bits. You've done it yet again, my friend.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
No, I was looking at that. What do we got in there, Carrot Top? I don't have props. Anything else you want to blow through before? Maybe, let's see. Hold on. Because this is it. Ari's the last comedian.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
No, this is the second coming. Trust me. Take it from me. Getting canceled is a huge boost. You can be done. Don't tell them. I don't want them to find out. I don't want the mainstream to find out. But getting canceled is like a... Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yeah. Ari, Matty, anything else crazy happening with you? Well, okay.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
We're going to put it on the screen in the YouTube version. We have to send those to Red Band. That is so fucking funny.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
They have one belt they use every week, I bet. That's why the guy's sleeping. He's just chilling. He's just got to be there. Then they put the belt back up again. Oh my God, look at that idiot. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Fuck! Oh, that would have been great. That would have been great. 40 to 1! Fuck my life! Well, you know, we've done a raffle here, and I think there's something in there. There's got to be one more thing that we can win.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I really can't thank you for having me. This has been Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace, Shopify, Tacobas, and ZipRecruiter. One more time for the great Ari Matty. All right. Thank you, brother. Future American citizen and UFC championship belt holder. The great Ryan J.E. Belt has an amazing drawing that's in, as always, every week while we are here. He draws our guests.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
That's an on-the-spot painting of Carrot Top. Holy shit. And let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Chris Rogers drawing Chris Rogers. I love it. Oh, my God. You're really good at drawing yourself, Chris. You nailed that. You know your face very well. Amazing. Chris Rogers Art, he's in the lobby slinging merch and whatnot.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Guys, catch him at Luxor, a residency of over 30 years, 40-plus years as a comedian. How loud can this place get one more time for the great Carrot Top, everybody? Come on! Unbelievably stunning performance. We love it. Carrot Top has joined the Kill Tony Universe. Thank you to Talkspace, Shopify, Takovas, and ZipRecruiter. What an unbelievable show.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
One more time, congratulations to Charlie Mack, another Golden Ticket winner, is joining our extraordinarily large family. And he's an extraordinarily large man. Red Band.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Love you guys. We're doing a lot of stuff, people. Madison Square Garden. I'm doing stand-up there with the Killers of Kill Tony, a rare absolute super union where me and the superstars of the show doing stand-up together. And, of course, Madison Square Garden Night 2 in August. We have it both nights. One night of stand-up comedy where I headline with my new...
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
unbelievably, I mean, I just have to say it's so well written and so well performed, this new hour that I'm doing. And Kill Tony the next night, a new annual tradition, Madison Square Garden and Kill Tony coming together. I love you guys. Thank you all so much. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Good news and bad news. Good news is I'm going to hire someone to find your dog. The bad news is it's de-madness that I'm hiring as revenge. Wow. Sweet revenge will be de-madnesses.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And we'll see you there. For royalty waits for no one.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It'll be the first time where a man has sniffed out a dog. This is incredible. This could be a really historical moment. Yeah. Damn it, Martin. I hope we find that goddamn dog. You don't live near the freeway, do you?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
That doesn't sound good. That is the sound of the bell tolling. What was his name? Andy. Andy. Oh, poor Andy. R.I.P.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I love that the horn player played the actual song. Oh, unbelievable. Martin, you are the fucking man. Way to get tonight's show started. We love you. Unbelievable. Truly one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. That is the golden boy himself, Martin Phillips. And this is the part where shit gets crazy, Carrot Top, because this is when we go to the bucket.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He was funny after his set. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's amazing. He's a star. Now, we're going to the bucket now, so we're meeting somebody. They had no idea five minutes ago that they were going on stage. They're going up after Martin Phillips. Make some noise. This is Kyle Roberts, everyone. A minute interrupted from Kyle Roberts.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Make sure you check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club on 6th Street. And of course, the Comedy Mothership. Shows will be going on sale soon for another big Monday release. We love you. God bless America. Enjoy the show.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yep. Deals are in place with Tubi. Uh... William, we love you. I got to tell you, you look better than ever. You look healthier than ever. The Ro Machine is doing you good. Thank you, Tony. How about your first comedian of the night, William Montgomery, huh? It's as big of a deal as it gets to start the show. And now we switch over to the bucket. We're going to meet this person all together.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely anything can happen. Every regular, every golden ticket winner, they were all found out of this very bucket with a little undertaker watching. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Cameron Frisk. Cameron Frisk.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cameron Frisk. A rare episode where we have two Confederate soldiers back to back. Absolutely incredible. The South has risen again. Do you know a lot of divorced people that are getting remarried?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's hard. You guys are so sensitive, your people. You can't put your hands in the air a certain way around us anymore.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Where have you been doing the year in eight months? Mostly in Ojai?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Were you born and raised in Ojai? Yeah. They say it's a natural energy vortex. Do you feel that? Absolutely not. That's some hippie woo woo bullshit. But you wouldn't even know that because you were born and raised there, right?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Do you feel a little bit slumpy and slouchy when you're in other places? No, you just go to Sedona and I feel better. No, not at all. Uh, You're kind of white trash though, right? Because you know people that are getting remarried. One could say that you are. You drink PBR?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
PBR vibes from you. Certain people I can just fucking feel the vibe.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What? The toughest job in the world. This is what the baristas in California look like now? Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
But your work background is, what are you good at? Construction, I guess. You were looking for a construction job in this city and you settled for barista? Yeah. Yeah. Have you looked outside at all? I did. Literally cranes. I applied. This is literally the fastest growing city, I think, in the country right now. I know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You should. You should just start that from scratch. You should do that, and you should hire people using ZipRecruiter and the promo code Keltoni. I used the recruiter.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Jesus, Rich. How long have you lived in Austin? Six months. Six months. How long have you been with her? About three years. Three years. How do you keep things interesting? How do you stay loyal and happy with one woman for three years? Just curious to know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm not asking you what not to do. I'm asking you what you do to keep things exciting.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You can roller skate and not be gay. Okay. No, you can. No, yes, yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yeah, you fucking can. And backwards. You can go backwards. Me and Tony go backwards all the time. Yep. Yep, I do. It's called 69ing on wheels.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You'll have to watch your back if you are rolling. I roller skate backwards on construction sites.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And all that I wear is a hard hat. And a vest, of course, because safety first. Yeah. But God damn it, if one more fucking hammer gets shoved up my ass, I'm okay. All right.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Do you work the overnight shift? No. Oh, that's a different place. That's okay. I fucked that one up.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You know how to paint walls inside of a house? Yeah, of course. Well, good news. Red Band is going to book you. I'm going to hire you to paint some walls in my house. I would love to. There you go. There you go. Wow. Wow. There's a little joke book. Thank you, sir. Sign up again sometime. There goes Cameron Frisk, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, the show has begun.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Tune in to play that game, Red Band. Local hero, Adam Ray, contributing to the economy. No hotels tonight.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
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KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
nykdpouches.com slash tony and you can use this code up to three times don't wait get 35 off now at nykdpouches.com slash tony that's nykdpouches.com slash tony nykd products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified warning this product contains nicotine and nicotine as we know is an addictive chemical
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? And one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Live in the flesh, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Si Senor. That's Big Mike on the drums, huge. It's a little bit bigger every single week. He's growing like a Chia Pet.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I'm going to bang his girlfriend. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Charlie G. Here we go. Charlie G, out of the bucket.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You really live in a van? Yeah. Yeah. You're the first comedian tonight that... Looks like they don't live in a van. Yeah, I do. It's incredible. You have a good, you clean up your act. You're out there looking professional.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm already fucking six for six. Rich, relax. Just take a breath. When it doesn't work, you don't have to say it didn't work because they definitely know it didn't work. You're like a guy that's out at third base. The umpire's like, you're out, and you go to the crowd. I'm out, everybody. I did not make it to third base. I was out. Okay, let's get back to Charlie here. What's up? Old Charlie boy.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How old are you? How old am I? I'm 32. 32 years old. How long have you lived in the van?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Explain Matt Muehling, who never talks. It was right with me. Literally, he had to say it because we're all thinking it. How does that work? Why would you live in an apartment and a van part-time?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Huge fucking difference. Yeah. That might be the biggest difference ever. Whatever. That is absolutely unbelievable, the jump that just happened there.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, no, no. You know what? I might want you to say when the jokes don't work. after all, because that... You don't get that joke? No. What's it from?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What? Ted Bundy, right? That's what you're talking about? The serial killer from the 70s? Who thinks OJ did it? Okay. All right, let's get back to Charlie G. So this guy is my favorite. Rich Voss is out here just fucking... Gotta throw darts, man. Fucking Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy. I mean, how far back are you going to go with your references? When I was 30.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A lot of people don't know, Julius Caesar lived in a van at one point. Okay, there it is. Charlie G., tell us more about your life.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
The exact van is an important thing. Lord knows the difference between a Sprinter and an EconoVan. Huge difference. We want to know exactly whether it's a sliding door or you get in through the back door.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed live in the flesh. Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. How exciting is this? We have a hell of an episode ahead of us. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Like, what's your, what do you do? It's not my place. You're like, I'll give you a ride to my place. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, my God. Rich. Rich, what is going on over here? I made fun of you for doing old jokes, and then you just did the oldest joke ever.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah. Charlie, tell us the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you in your life.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I mean, I know there's some... When I was four, I couldn't tie my shoes in front of my mom.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich shit himself in kindergarten and diapers weren't invented yet. And I was 12. How about as an adult? As an adult, like one time in college, I shit myself. Wow. This guy just shits himself. Yeah. How many of you think I should make him shit himself right now on this stage? Look right at that. No way. You see that red dot back there? Right. You see a little red dot? Right.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I want you to stare right at it. And then just, oh, we're losing D-Madness. He can't. When you're blind, the smell of, no, I'm kidding. Don't shit yourself. All right, Charlie. Fun times. Congratulations. I really loved the kill myself, kill myself joke. That's a really, really, really good joke. Thank you. You know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
There he goes, Charlie G. Hobosexual, kind of like, you know. He's better than that. But the kill myself, reincarnated kill yourself is funny. All right, we having fun out there? Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name... Oh, my God. I know what that noise is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. The crowd goes wild. She barely does anything at all.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's unbelievable. She just lifted up the mic stand and sat it back down. Crowd goes nuts. She doesn't need to. You gotta love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Daniel Velasquez, everyone. Daniel Velasquez.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
This is Kill Tony brought to you by ZipRecruiter and Shopify. I'm so excited about tonight's guests. This is actually a repeat of two guests that have been on together before. One of them has the newest special on Amazon called Anonymous. We love him, one of our New York brethren. The other is literally perhaps easily known as the greatest guest in Kill Tony history, former guest of the year.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And it was you, right? Yeah. Yeah, you fucking nailed it. Because I'm like, yeah, we're just working. We're doing a podcast. And what did you say?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Hey, y'all. The number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, night two of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for night one, April 4th. There is also the London O2 Arena.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, you nailed the line. You're literally like, yeah, you know, I work with Joe Rogan sometimes. We're in the comedy business. And he's like, Joe Rogan? OK, go ahead.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Jesus fucking Christ. What happened to the pockets? Yeah, that's crazy. Look, I thought you were really funny. Hold on, Rich. We're in the middle of a thing here. Go ahead. Give your analysis and then we'll just edit it out.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, all right, very good. All right. Okay, so back to the story. She says there might be weed in the passport, and he's in, like, the cop car at this point.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Sit your fucking asses down. Rich Voss has the newest special on Amazon. It's called Anonymous. Welcome, Rich. Thank you for having me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And again, this is a Texas state trooper? I don't know. I didn't pay attention. Or is it in... Okay. Some cop. Okay. It may not even have been a cop at all. You may have gotten pulled over by an illegal immigrant wearing a fucking badge, and you stoners with weed in your passports are like, I'm so sorry.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, so let's go back to the story that we're in the middle of. And then what happened?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
That's literally the most retarded thing to roll joints on or with in the fucking world. It's like cutting coke with your license. Well, that would actually be better than rolling weed on a passport because it could come off of licenses. Plastic, the paper would retain it and the THC crystals would be all over it. you could at least rinse off a fucking license.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's good to be back. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, the man, the myth, the legend. A lot of people mention his name when they're on this show. Where do I even begin? The great Tony Caruso's favorite comedian. Dr. Phil's favorite comedian. Fucking Jeremy's favorite comedian. Dumb bitch girl. What's her name? Why am I... Elaine. Elaine's favorite comedian.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely unbelievable. I don't understand a single thing that you just said.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Colin, you're so different than everybody else. Yeah. that we have on our normal roster. Welcome to the family. There he goes, his first cash-in of his golden ticket, Colin Sledge. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name. I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Kansei Yasuda. Kansei Yasuda. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Konsei Yasuda has arrived to kill Tony. I got to tell you, man, I like your fucking style. You have such a command of the stage. So fun to listen to and to watch. Thank you, Tony. You're very welcome. You're welcome, Ira. Thank you. I love it. Konsei, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. Five years. Where at?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What made you move to Toronto? Why of all the places did you pick there?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A lot of people... You should remember her. You tried to fuck me in costume that night. Yeah. Red Bank. How do you not remember that? Red Bank gets enough vodka Red Bulls in him. He just goes for what he sees. Happy to be back.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I could listen to you talk about anything. This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. So you're 100% Japanese?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely unbelievable. A natural freak talent. We're witnessing it live in real time. This is what the show is all about. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How'd you know? Hi. Because I think you're only allowed to have one E over in Japan. So, that's incredible. Okay, relax. Okay, all right. Okay. So, amazing. Amazing. And so... Your mom had you, and what do your parents do? They're still in Japan?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A nail salon? They do that even over there? I thought they just came here to own nail salons. My God, they must be high-level nail salon people. That's incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We are in one of those moments right now where it's just amazing. You are just such a fun interview. This might never end. I might keep you up here all night. This is absolutely amazing. So what does she do for work? She works at the ramen shop. She works at the ramen shop. Oh, wow. My God.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
So how do you make money, Kansei? I work at the hotel. Oh. What do you do at the hotel? Front desk. Front desk. Wow. And what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? I eat ramen.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Special miso ramen. Yep. So Kansai, this is incredible, and you are so funny. What made you come to Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, and you didn't get up, and you've been doing spots around town, just trying to do open mics and stuff?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're going to be leaving. What's your girlfriend's name? Miyuki.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I will not wait another moment before saying that Adam Ray just launched a 40 city plus comedy tour. Adamraycomedy.com. The man is fucking thriving. It's me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I just can't help myself. I feel like I want to interview you forever. We already have too many of them, but God damn it, I'm giving away another one. Konsei Yasuda, you are a golden ticket winner here on Call of Tony. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You did it all, buddy. God bless you. Konsei Yasuda has arrived. We're going to see him again soon. Absolutely unbelievable, my friend. That is what it's all about. And now, someone's gotta follow that. Your next bucketful goes by the name of Jim Talley, everyone. Jim Talley. Jim Talley is next.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Dr. Phil is on tour. You can get those tickets at adamraycomedy.com. All of these shows are unbelievable. Adam and I were door guys together at the Comedy Store 17 and a half fucking years ago.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Jim Telly. Wow. How fun. Very fun to go off of that rush hour energy in your opening. Very fun. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up, Jim? I'm going on three years. Three years. Where at? Houston? Atlanta? I'm getting close. Africa?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
That was funny. How you doing, man? Thank you, man. Thank you. Where have you been doing stand-up at?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Take us through that process. What made you follow your sister up to North Dakota?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
He was in South Florida, and this guy, according to your exact words, loved black pussy so much that he left South Florida.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Justin is in North Dakota right now. I'm like, well, thank you.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, my bad. Yep, no, he is. I meant blonde, my bad. It's all good. I didn't think... Blonde and white, same shit. I didn't... The cast... Whoever does the casting at SNL also thought Pete was half black when they got him, so anyway... That's true. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich. Shane's liver. Oh, got it. Got it. All right. Very good. You know what? I think Rich is having mini strokes during this show.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We sucked, but God damn it, we kept fucking working and nonstop every single night having fun, cracking each other up, and fucking we believed in... Joe Rogan. That's right. Thank God for him. That is correct. That's all it takes. A work ethic, a hope, a dream, and Joe Rogan.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. That's incredible. What does that mean, Tony? I don't know. You could have said anything. I would have said that, yeah, it works. You could have been 25, 55. You really could have been anything. Have you ever been a volunteer firefighter? I'm getting volunteer firefighter vibes. Sunglasses down. Yeah, my bad, guys.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cut or uncut? Jesus, Rich Voss asking the tough questions over here.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm just playing. I love Cam. Jim, you're so funny. What's something else we should know about you before we let you go?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, no, no. Just hold on. Hold on. Let him do the fucking thing. I want to hear you. Lies and shit. We're about to come out. What can you say in... Assalamu alaikum.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We do have nunchucks. I had a feeling. We have a special... Oh, my God. This place is unbelievable. We have a special Kill Tony toy box where we have all the things we might ever need, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. Give me a single spotlight keynote. Wow. Holy shit. This is incredible. He could have played both characters in Rush Hour. Absolutely unbelievable. Wow. Wow.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, absolutely unbelievable. Jim Telly has arrived. Here's a big joke book, Jim. Thank you so much. Sign up again. Come back. We need more Jim Telly in our lives. So much fun. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring to the stage, coincidentally, the man that told Jim Telly to cut his blonde hair, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
282 comedians signed up for the opportunity to be in this bucket. Absolutely anything can happen. We're going to let this young librarian pull the first name here in the front row. Congratulations. And here it is. We're going to go wrangle that first comedian that is out of the bucket. But while that happens, and just a reminder, if you don't know, they get 60 seconds.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What can I say that I haven't said thousands of times before? Absolutely incredible, Cam Patterson. We fucking love you. That is hilarious. What a great fucking premise.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yep. Okay. Sit back down, Cam. Why are you taking your clothes off? I'm sorry. It's not great to wake these kind of people up.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
He was all right. Now he's fucking all right. He's back to chill. I like your style, jail dude, that's definitely done meth a bunch. Real drugs, real hardcore with soup. I thought that was me in makeup for a minute. Just have good energy. Good energy over there. I like that. What made you dress like a jail guy? I've been in prison. I served 13 months. And I found Kill Tony when I was in there.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I mean, holy shit. This is a wild night. Those guys that watched Kill Tony while in actual prison, wearing a prison outfit, that fucking, this is absolutely incredible. I believe in this guy, too. I mean, that's amazing.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. And they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. These people out of the bucket have no idea that they're going on stage until just minutes before. But I do have a few regulars and special treats on tonight's lineup.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich, put the mic down. Put the mic down. Put the mic. This place is in chaos right now. That took my brain, like, I was like, wait, what does he mean? Oh, wow!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
No, he bombed that bomb, too. That also bombed. Oh, my God. This party is out of control. I've never seen D-Madness clench his fist before. He's back here ready to defend his sweet, sweet Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cam, I mean, you've done it. We've done so many interviews. I got to tell you, I fucking love that new joke. Absolutely incredible. Super topical. Right on the fucking dot. 13-year-old with cancer in the news all week. The fucking State of the Union and everything. You nailed it. Adam, anything?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I love it. Keep killing it, baby. Thank you, man. You're absolutely killing it. An unstoppable force. Oh, Rich Voss wants to say one more thing.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Rich, Rich, that's not even a thing anymore, Rich. Rich is like, I know it when I see it. He's going to end up on Johnny Carson any day now. I swear to God, this guy, we need to get him on Star Search. He's going to be Star Search. Oh, I swear to God. I swear to God, when Murph Griffin finds this guy, it's going to be incredible. Oh, I swear to God. Hey, I want to book you at the last subway.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I swear to God. Hey, you know what? You should perform at the Dinosaur Factory. Rich in Allentown? There he goes, Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. What an episode. We're having fucking fun tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. Whoa. Wow. Heidi getting big pops tonight. The ladies' lover, the dudes' lover. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
massive massive arena it's our only show in europe that is june 7th i'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas like the maverick center just outside of salt lake city utah april 18th reno nevada the grand theater The Honda Center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do stand-up in a legendary arena like that. In Anaheim, May 9th.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
This guy's going to jerk off right now in the bathroom. It's absolutely unbelievable. Your next bucket poll has been on the show a couple times. You know, it's just so fun every time this young lady is on. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Juanita, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And we will start this one with a bang. It is as big of a bang as it gets. Ladies and gentlemen, starting tonight's show, your first minute is indeed... another Kill Tony Hall of Famer. He is indeed the record holder for all-time appearances on this show. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla, some the Memphis Strangler, some people call him the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Juanita. Juanita. Always a decent minute, but your interviews are absolutely priceless. Let's start here. One thing that I noticed, right from the very, very top of your set, do you notice what you did?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You went... Like that. Is that a thing that you think a lot of trans comedians have to do when they...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
For those of you that don't know or haven't put it together yet, if you're easily tricked and would have ended up sucking a fat cock tonight, Juanita was originally a Juan. There, there, there. All right. Juanita, welcome.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
So let's talk about it. You said that you're, are you really uncircumcised? Is that an actual thing? Yeah, I was born in Mexico. They don't do that there, huh? No. They keep the fucking corn tortilla right there, huh? Yeah, it was pretty common. That's a Mexican thing. Rich Voss clearly hates trans people. He's completely shut down. He doesn't know what to do.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, man. That's right. So, Juanita, how's life going? Remind us again. How long you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
They're a very consistent, good meal. What were you saying there? Let's go to our own resident rotisserie chicken, Rich Voss, who's been spinning around all night, slowly and slowly.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Another minute from William Montgomery. Sounds low. What just happened there? Are you guys fucking with knobs like in between things? Sound guys? We good? I mean, seriously, he's fucking with the knobs! I don't know why you would turn me down and then you have to... I'm going up first and I don't fuck with the knobs! Keep me up. Keep me up. You guys are... I gotta take a shit right now, dumbass!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
There you go. Will... Owens. So you are married? Yeah, married. And you really have a kid? Yeah, it's not a crack baby, though. I mean, that was my next question. Oh, no. When you say orphan, you adopted it? No, that's just a joke. I just write jokes. Okay, all right. Relax, Will. Jesus Christ almighty. That's why, all right. That's why I was here. I'm sorry. Okay, relax, Will. You're doing okay.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Relax. Relax. You're not in court right now. Relax, Will. It's okay. I want this to go good for you too, Will. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Where at? Houston. You know, everybody fucking groaned earlier when I asked the black guy, Atlanta and then Houston. Just take note. Atlanta. Houston. I'm just saying.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
South Florida would be the third guess where the guy was from. All right, so Will, Houston, Texas, two and a half years. You still live there?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm laughing at my job. No, they're just laughing. They just think you're likable, Will. It's a good thing. Thank you. You're doing good. Ready to turn on everybody real fast. Very defensive, Will.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, thanks, Rich. That's a big part of the comedy show. Hey, you guessed my birthday. Just if you want to play that number.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm a fucking headliner, bitch. A headliner? A headliner? I've never heard of such a... How do you get to be a headliner? How do you get to go up last at the comedy club?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, my God. They're not Jordans. All right. Will, tell us something crazy about your life. Tell us a fun fact about you or something about your life that would surprise us.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yep. That happens. That's a thing. That happens to white people, too. That be happening to some white people.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What made you meet your brother then? Was that your dad's idea?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, but we're cool now. Wow. What I said about that happening to white people, it doesn't happen like that. It's not exactly like that.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk to him all the time. You guys find that you have a lot of things in common? No. Okay. All right, Will. Well, what else? Anything else? Other than staff and recruiting, you have any hobbies or anything like that?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
For a second there, I closed my eyes and I thought Danny Glover was here. That was absolutely incredible. I had no idea you were a master of impressions. What other impressions can you do?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
255. Will Owens, thank you so much. He's killed Tony debut. It has happened. Will Owens. All right. We're going to speed through this next part of the show. I have another golden ticket winner. Literally, famously, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody. Here you go.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
59 and a half seconds for Martin Phillips. These people are dialed in. Super professional. Thank you. 100% all time. Batting average for Martin Phillips. How's life going, Martin? You look fantastic. Oh, it's corduroy. Oh, it's corduroy. My goodness. Now he's fabric, dude. Nothing better than a corduroy shirt on the first 85-degree day of the year. It was cold in the morning. Okay.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You put it on in the morning. You dress up in the morning, and then no matter what happens...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Are you talking shit right now? What the fuck is going on exactly? Motherfucker, what's going on? Are you going to the funeral? You are so lucky I don't understand what you're saying. No, you look great. What is happening over here? Just because you fucking can't take the shirt off. Just because you can't unbutton your fucking buttons after you get all dressed in the morning.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
French fried rice, yes. A very popular treat in Filipino culture. What else have you got?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How the hell is this the biggest show in comedy right now? This doesn't make any sense. We have fucking dudes with cerebral palsy taking off their shirts to standing ovations, and Netflix is like, how do I get involved? This is absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're going to see Juanita with a new green corduroy do-rag later. It's wrapped around her head.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Martin Phillips, a cold-blooded assassin. You are truly the fucking man. Is there anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on? You know... I mean...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're on tour. You're doing the road a lot. You're selling tickets.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. And what was it exactly that you were doing when you shit your pants? You're a substitute teacher, so you play a lot of videos and stuff.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Hold on. Take us actually through it now. You shit your pants and there's a ton of shit. It is an unbelievable amount of shit.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And you always have. Let me slow it down here. Let the record show that he is not like a fucking, you know. Retard. Right. But he's also not like a comic that just would say that he shit his fucking pants and that he shit a lot to tell a funny story.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Exactly. Right. Right. So this, being one of the more intellectual, true joke writers on the show's fucking roster, this is actually incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
But how do you get to your car? Don't you have to, like, clock out? What do substitute teachers do?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I love how you roasted you, him, and your wife at the same time. Fuck her, she's not here. That's a triple threat. That is absolutely incredible. That's like French fried rice or something like that. William, how's this week treating you?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I think it's a sign that it is indeed time to give up substituting. Yeah, yeah. That's God telling you, that's a wrap. Yeah, yeah. You left your mark on that school. Yep. You left your mark in the community.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. Incredible. Martin, what can I say? You fill our hearts every time you're on, just like you fill the backside of your pants when you're teaching. We love you. You've done it again. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. All right, before, you know what? You know what I'm in the mood to do? I'm in the mood to do something fun here right now.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And I know we're running late and you people got here hours ago. You want to end it now? You think we should do something fun? Prison guy, what's your name?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Old finger. Offender. Oh, offender. Offender. Okay, I wanna, a guy in the green shirt, make a little space here. Make some noise for Offender, everybody. A minute from Offender. Come on, there you go. Get to the microphone, there you go. No, right there. Your time starts, Offender, come on.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th. Announcing this week, Connecticut. The Mohegan Sun. I'm doing stand-up on July 11th. Edmonton, Canada. July 18th, Vancouver, September 14th. And if you're a wrestling fan, I will be hosting the Roast of WrestleMania, Sunday night, 420, after night two of WrestleMania, right there in Vegas. Huge guests, huge surprises.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You've done your time, but we're sending you back for more. I appreciate it.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What? Too many what? Two men enjoying it. Two men enjoying it, okay.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay, offender. I give you a shot there. Again, that's the Rich Voss School of Comedy is... That's actually, he actually is a double, he's got his, he went to both schools. Okay. Offender. Let's talk about it real quick. How long were you in prison for? I did 13 months. 13 months. What did you get sentenced to prison for?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're okay. Don't worry about it. We got to fly through it. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. So how long have you been listening to Kill Tony? Did you find it in prison or before?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Amazing. The late, great, one of my favorite humans ever. The great Michael Lair. So, you did that, so you found it there. Was it somebody that recommended it to you? How'd you find it in prison?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
How do you survive, though? How do you make a little bit of money to survive? What are you, just committing crimes? Oh, it's going to be ugly. I'll be the fifth. Yo, come on. Tell us the truth. You know this show. You know it's better when you're honest.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You know what? I'm going to have you paint Red Band's house. Hey, hey. I'm more professional than that one guy. No, I love it. I'm just kidding. No one's letting you in their fucking house. Come on. Come on.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Is that what you're talking about, or are you literally barking because you're on crystal meth? No, no, no. No meth. Right. Yeah, I mean, that's messed up. Do you still partake in things? Are you still kind of a party boy? No, sir, just marijuana. Just marijuana, 100%. You don't drink? Or THCA. Sure, but you don't drink? You don't do coke anymore?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Sorry. But since you're a Kill Tony fan, I'm going to let you off the hook.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Y'all want to see it? Yeah, just... Make some fucking noise! You gonna show it? What the fuck's going on here? Let's do it. We're running out of time. Ladies and gentlemen... Wow. That is fucking incredible. That is the actual Kill Tony entire fucking bingo card. That is unbelievable. That is incredible. I got your life together. Well, I guess so. I love it. I love it. Offender, congratulations.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Here's a big joke vote. There you go. Oh, Jesus, right off his fucking face. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're okay. I catch cases. You're okay. We got to finish the show. Go have fun. Get out of here. Wow, dude. One more time for Offender, everybody. Making dreams come true. And now, ladies and gentlemen... This is it. The moment you've been waiting for.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A show that featured two golden ticket winners, two, I mean, the closer went first. So I guess there's truly only one way to end an episode like this. And that is with, unlike Offender, a guy who's still trying to get his American citizenship. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Estonian assassin, the one and only, the great and powerful Ari Matty!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What is the self-partnered thing that you mentioned? I've never heard of that before. Self-partnered.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Fucking crazy. It's crazy. What's going on here is crazy. We are witnessing... A great comedian become one of truly the fucking, truly, I really believe you're like one of the best in the world right now. It's crazy. Very nice of you. We're watching it happen in real time, in the public eye.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's it. You chased it down. So, Adam, do you wanna jump in here?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Amazing roll of three. It's a good compliment, though. That is an insider. No, it is, of course. It's the best fans, yeah. I'm going to go off of... I'm going to... I want to cover something here that I did notice this week and Redban has brought it up on this screen. The Estonian MP, what does that stand for? Main prime or something?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Really? Check out the girlfriend. I bet he does. He's got that kind of energy. He's got fucking party boy energy. I know.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We're going to put the picture of him over the screen during this part so that people can fucking fathom what the hell we're talking about. Because it is a goddamn absolute... That's mental illness. It's an architectural... It's an architectural... Is that a word? Architectural?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Ari, anything else we should, you want to say before we put a ribbon on this episode?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely fucking incredible. You do some impressions. It's usually in the fucking green room where I see them that crash. What was the other one?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What was the other one? You had another one, though. Maybe it's not good to do it if I don't know who it is, but who was it? I don't know. You were doing one the other night. that had me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I know. You have a David Jolly? Goddamn! Hell yeah! Ari, I mean, I could go on and on, so I'm not going to.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're watching it in real life. A rock star. An international superstar. How about one more time? Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? One more time for your reigning, defending Hall of Famer and 2023 Guest of the Year, Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Dr. Phil is on tour. Adam Ray is on tour. You can get tickets for all those events, which are giant theaters. This guy is fucking thriving.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Adamraycomedy.com. And how about one more time for Rich Boss, ladies and gentlemen? His new special is on Amazon. It is called Anonymous. We absolutely love you guys. Thank you to ZipRecruiter and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in, and it's absolutely stunning. That is an incredible fucking drawing. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Netflix. Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Joining Forces. April fucking 7th. Whatever you do. I don't think I've ever really asked you guys for anything. But watch it. Tell your friends to watch it. When you go to somebody else's house, just turn it on. Turn it on everywhere. Have your friends turn it on. We're gonna fucking do a little campaigning. Is everybody gonna watch on April 7th? It's not gonna be what you think it's gonna be.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You ever role-play in the bedroom? You ever do a little Danny Glover in there? A little Danny lover?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's gonna be our fucking, it's gonna be really, really good. It's gonna be really special. Let's check out what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh wow, it's me, Russ, and I'm fucking paying homage to Stone Cold. See, if I lifted weights, I could, I could, all right. April 7th, we did it.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
12 fucking years of doing this show, and now the world will know we are going to be shoved right down their fucking throats. Red Band? Love you guys. I love you. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. World peace to all. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Please help me, Tony. I'm trying to be me. You're doing great, William. You're an international rock star. Everyone loves you. You've been rowing a lot?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What do you do with the other three minutes? that's remaining in the music. Does that, is that what it, you listen to that?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You're very still. Let the record show, I was picking Bugs off of you before the show because Bugs thought that you were a rock.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. How old are you, William? I'm 38. Wow. You are something else. You don't look... I look older or younger. You literally look like you fought in the Confederate Army. It's absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You ever go to the playground and just stand there and stare at kids?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Because you have a look. You have a look in which that would kind of be hilarious. It would be funny if you did that and, like, had, like, a prank show and videotaped the parents around that are, like, watching you watching the kids and, like... I don't know. I'll think about it. Okay, good. There you go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Brooke Riddell. Hello, Brooke. This is your first time on the show, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wait, how would I... What does that mean? I lived in L.A. for almost two decades. How do I feel about L.A.?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Whoa, applause break from Red Band. That must mean there's a Friendly's burger joint there or something. I don't know. What's Solvang?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. Hell yeah. Well, I was wondering when you were going to finish, when you were performing. It seemed like it was never going to end. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm not kidding, but I am kidding. Brooke, amazing. So two years, you're in L.A. now. You live there. Yes. How's that going for you? Tell us your thoughts about Los Angeles.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Absolutely. What do you do for a living, Brooke? How do you make money?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. Yeah. So, like, what are some ideas that you come up with? Are you the one that's like, make it a black person?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We need more black people, am I right? Black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black. All right. So what do you do at Disney? What are some things that you do?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, very good. What do you think about the direction of Disney right now? What would be a note that you would have to the head of Disney if he was here right now? You'd be on fire. By the way, Red Band thinks it's Mickey Mouse. He thinks the CEO of Disney is the actual Mickey Mouse.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's an unbelievably great answer. Yeah, Mickey does not like that at all. Ha-ha, you're fired. I love it. Can all fat guys do that? This is incredible. This is amazing. I didn't know. Let me try. Ha, you're fired.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Who don't like a fribble? I love it. So, Brooke, you're down in the big city now. You're originally from, like, the middle of nowhere, California. Yeah. And so what do you do for fun when you're in L.A., trying to have some fun?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That is a good answer. I like that. Nice. There we go. Good. All right, Mickey. I love it. What's something we'd be shocked to know about you? Interesting fun fact about your life.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, my goodness. Look how excited H. Foley is right now. He cannot hide his giddiness. He's slipping out of his seat right now. He's wondering if you could have perhaps a gingerbread mansion for sale.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
He's the biggest little boy we've ever seen in our lives. Isn't he adorable, ladies and gentlemen? A micro machine of a drummer. How about a hand for the great Matt Muehling, everybody? Fresh off of an audition to be one of the new Home Alone villains, clearly. The great John Dees is here, everyone. and absolutely adorable, dressed like a skeleton tonight.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What does that mean? Oh, no shit. What is that? Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Foley's second favorite thing. Yeah. Gingerbread houses and vagina candles. That's a Disney movie. Let's go. I love it. Well, Brooke, congratulations. You got pulled first. You got it started. Here's a little joke book. Go show it to your husband. And it goes on and on. One more time for Brooke, everybody. There she goes. The show has begun. Hello there. I'm so happy to see you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And I'm happy to see you, Red Band. This podcast is brought to you by Knit Nicotine Pouches. We're only using Knit Pouches now. And our favorite flavors are citrus ice, berry lemon ice, and spearmint. If you're looking to ditch smoke and tobacco but still want that nicotine fix, you've got to check these out. Let me tell you why Nick's pouches are better than the others on the market.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
The NYKD products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine and nicotine, as we know, is an addictive chemical. Your next comedian, I do believe has been on before. Make some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. Phoenix Provocateur. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed D-Madness on the bass. Oh my goodness. Everything is in its place. The crew is golden tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite comedians, two of the best guests in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's it for Phoenix. I'll stop there. Boom. This is your second time on the show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How could I forget a Phoenix provocateur? Never. One of the rare, uh, Whatever the fuck you are. I don't even know exactly how to label you. Some type of African dragon or something like that. I'm not exactly sure.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Hurry up. I am almost hard right now. Time to slowly take things out of your wallet and then hand it to her.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Phoenix, welcome back. Do you live here in Austin? I do. Okay. What do you do for work again? I don't. You don't work. Wow. Oh my goodness. You really are a woman. Yeah. The supply ladies are pissed. I was like, wait, what? Sorry.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. All right, that's amazing. And you guys live together full time?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Is the oil field that he works with your ass? I have so many questions. Uh, that's cool. That's fun. What do you guys do for fun? What's a date night for people like y'all? Is he always, is he like, uh, excited? He's white.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Matt Muehling has a great question. He's putting it together. White guy works in oil fields. Is it Uncle Laser? The world wants to know. If your five-year relationship is Uncle Lazer. He fucking wishes. I bet. I bet. Wait, why does he wish he's Uncle Lazer? Or Uncle Lazer wishes? Uncle Lazer wishes. Guaranteed Uncle Lazer. Where was I? Did I ask a good question? What was the last job you had?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Talk about the back door. Kevin's been waiting for that package for four and a half minutes. And it is prime. And it looks like it came from the Amazon.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
No, no, it came from El Paso. Oh, that's right. El Paso. My goodness. So how old were you when you moved to Austin?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Of course they fucking miss me. Absolutely. And you're probably, what, the most flamboyant, right? Eccentric, you would say? For now. Well, what do you think's happening? You got a little nephew acting a fool?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's what's happening with these kids. Nothing but fucking their iPhones, iPads all the time. They're fucking vaccinated. These kids are coming out gay as fuck. There's a whole new purple wave coming.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, stop. All right. Perfect. So, Phoenix, how's comedy been going? What have you been doing? What are some good gigs you've done lately? What are you looking forward to?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You know, these people that stayed the same gender their whole lives, they fucking make things too complicated, it seems.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's what I always said. This grandma of yours, are you still close with your grandma?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What does grandma think about, did she know that you were going to, when do you think everyone?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I've never seen Tony blush, that's crazy. Being on my tiptoes is the only way to hang out with Phoenix.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I'm not that big, damn. You are a power forward. What are you talking about? You are getting rebounds above everybody on this fucking... She got high heels on.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I bet it would. I bet it would. I love it. So all your time on stage, you said 14 years you've been on stages. What were you doing again the rest of the time?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You guys are from New York. I bet you didn't think that we had these in Texas.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
This is right in Foley's wheelhouse, by the way. He loves sweets. I don't know if Adam's apple is on that list of his favorite sweets.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Tootsie roll. Is this another Midnight Cowboy reference coming here? Some deep cuts coming for me. I love it.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
This band can really, yeah, they play that all the time for everybody. I don't know why.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, shit, she would have licked y'all asses up. Did you hear that? Can you believe that? All right, dude, where you at? All right. Can we get, like, just a few seconds of a dance move or something like that?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That is so ladylike. That is so ladylike. That is incredible. Like, that's the part where it's like, oh, it's a fucking lady.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Look at that. Absolutely incredible. The guy in the front row is very excited. Oh, yeah. I do believe your dick slapped him in the forehead during one of those dance moves. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Phoenix, you got a big joke book last time you were here? No, I got a little one. Well, guess what, my friend? There you go. Were you going to catch it with your ass? That's incredible. Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. There she goes. We'll wait a second. No way. Wow. I have been informed that the first girl's boyfriend has randomly been pulled out of the bucket by our production team. Oh shit.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
The lovely Heidi is here, everybody. So here he is. This is Brooke Riddell's husband, who she said she's funnier than. This is a minute uninterrupted from Adam Mitchell, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
There he is. There they are. Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, on a beautiful, beautiful Monday evening. Welcome, gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. Hi, Adam. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good. This is a magical night for you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Your wife was pulled out of the bucket two bucket pulls ago. That's right. In between you guys was a massive black tranny. The only thing separating you guys was a phoenix provocateur. Seven foot six inch in the air. Bohemoth of a lovely lady. She can dance. She's multi-talented. She left here with a big joke book. Did you see her?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, look at this guy trying to make it in showbiz. This guy wants to be in one of his lady's Disney commercials. Absolutely beautiful, Tony. No, I'm kidding. All right. Adam, welcome, welcome. How's it going? So how do you feel about all this? How do you think that minute went for you?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. Okay. Some of those people think that. Some people. That's about the amount of people that voted for Kamala Harris in the last election. It's a small percentage. I love it. Adam, tell us something that we don't already know about. What do you do for work again? Jesus Christ. How could you forget? Oh, my God. You've been doing stand-up for two years.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
For you guys that don't know, they are the hosts of literally what I consider one of the only listenable comedy podcasts in the world. I don't really listen or watch anybody's podcasts, including all my best friends. But these two run a show, Are You Garbage? And you find out what's kind of trashy about the guests. And there's a lot. There's a lot, yes. It turns out. For sure. I'm garbage.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You started because your girl was kind of doing improv and sketch, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. And what's the highlight of your comedy career so far? What's the most fun you've ever had doing this?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And how long did you do on that set? I think I did six or seven minutes. All right. And you kept their attention? You kept it going? Yeah, it was a lot of fun. What other types of things did you talk about? You obviously did that Mormon story, because if you're willing to do it in front of millions of viewers, then that's part of it. What else did you talk about?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Hold on a second here. We're going to get to that. We're gonna get to that juicy ass. What do you say about Mexicans on stage? I have to know what the most white human being I've ever seen in my life, a guy who lives in a Danish, super white community, now LA, but okay, what is it?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, you sound like me after the Trump rally. This is great. I have a lot of Latino friends. My band's Latino.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Okay. So, Adam, let's talk about your actual life some more. Your childhood normal? You do anything weird? What's going on with you?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Was that rough for you? Was there a lot of anti-Semitism, as you guys call it? I mean, I got called...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How did they say it? What was the meanest anybody... Do an impression of the guy that was the meanest to you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, very nice. And what exactly are you doing on the supply chain?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, that seems like the most basic answer humanly possible.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You were not classy. That's definitely, yeah. Nope. Born poor. Sure. Had to survive. Had to make some things happen. Many a trips to Subway. Load up the sub. Five dollars. Back in the dizzle. Grew up on black olives. That's right. maraschino cherries show up in my DNA to this day. I got a blood test. 2% maraschino. What's been going on, boys? Everything good? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow, my goodness. Adam, one last question. What scares you? What are you scared of? What am I scared of?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And you're inside of a 14-year-old... It has a gas leak. It has a gas leak? Oh, okay, that's attempted a Jew joke, I see. Wow. All right, well, you and your girl can take your two tiny joke books and make a big one out of it if you try hard enough. There he goes, Adam Mitchell. We're having fun here. Everything's right on schedule. Hello there, and this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Guys, I love working in podcasting. I love having my own show, getting to do this in the best comedy club in the world with amazing guests. I'm feeling grateful. If you're doing what you love to do, there's nothing better than being surrounded by people who love it as much as you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And if you own your own business, you want to hire employees who love what they do to boost the overall success of your business. Plus, make it a pretty great place to work. But how do you find passionate employees who are a good fit for all of your roles? ZipRecruiter. And right now, you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's an exciting time. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. His name is Javier Ramirez, everyone. Javier Ramirez.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Javier Ramirez. Closing with his best joke. Always a smart move. Erases the memory of all the creepy shit you talked about before.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Go ahead. No, sure. If you're going to be creepy, go right ahead. It gives us something to work with.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Route 66, the new special RU Garbage special on RU Garbage on YouTube. So YouTube.com slash RU Garbage. What do you guys do there?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, it seems like you'd be very good at voiceover. It seems like you would be good at that. Have you done anything? What have you done?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. Getting word you were just hired by Disney. Congratulations.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Can you say, hold on a second, hold on. Can you say, this is a brand new episode of Kill Tony live from the comedy mothership.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Do you know how to press random buttons at inopportune times? This is incredible. Yeah. This is incredible. Holy shit. This is amazing. Oh, here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Uh-oh. Look out.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Where do you go swimming at? What kind of swimming is this? Are you the guy drowning gay guys in the river? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
When did your voice start to sound... How old were you when your voice started sounding like that?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Shit. That's a deep cut. Wait, what? Really? Why? That's from the Graham Norton show, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Well, that doesn't make any sense. That would mean that it's easy to date.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
This part, you've had answers for everything up until this part right here.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Well, I mean, you know, I like you guys. This is fucking real. This is me. I feel like I'm on Graham Norton. I love this show. Yeah, Graham Norton. Wow, you really made it. You made it. Graham Norton. That's BBC.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I think we should make this guy sweat. Let's do a little segment on a date with Heidi, everybody. Heidi, we've done this before. There's nothing like watching a nervous man who's not good at dating look Heidi directly in the eyes. Heidi, grab that microphone right there. Let go of her hand, you freak.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Hey, hi. All right, let's get the lighting right for this, guys. This is a little date session. There you guys are.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, Heidi, we get it. You're smart, too. Don't show off. Heidi is smart. Make it about Javier, Heidi. Make it about Javier. Javier, we're gonna give you another shot. Let's pretend like you're deeper into the date, right? You guys have already eaten. The waiter just asked if you guys want dessert. She wanted cheesecake. He walks away. Now you're planning your next move.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Javier, what do you say to Heidi? Look her directly in the eyes. Do not break eye contact with Heidi. Heidi, you do not have to touch him during this segment.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Can you think of anything creepier to say? Jesus fucking Christ, Javier.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. I'm trying so hard, Javier. I'm trying to get you to close strong. Let's try it again. Dessert order taken. Waiter walks away.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's British trash. Yeah. But you guys have been on this show numerous times, much like Graham Norton's favorite guest. I've had you on multiple times. You guys know how it works. If you get pulled out of this bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? A lot of people don't know this. Heidi speaks like 11 languages. She's like the fucking Hans Landa of this show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What happened to you? Did someone bully, were you bullied by a woman or something?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Javier, did you get a little joke book lesson? I got a little one lesson. There you go, and that remains the same. Doing it. Javier Ramirez, everybody. What the fuck was that? Put that in the mic stand, Javier. Jesus Christ. What kind of Ramirez doesn't finish the job? Put the mic where you found it. Put it on the X, you crazy bastard. This fucking diva over here.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You can't close with a woman or a set. Javier Ramirez. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another, not even a regular, not a golden ticket winner. He's always been a special utensil, a very polarizing figure. You know? Word is that the people on the internet don't like him. People in live crowds love him, it seems. We can't really... He's one of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Here, with a new minute, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Uncle Lazer.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That means you have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let one of these lovely lesbians in the front row pick out a name to start the show. That'll be first.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Uncle Lazer. Showing growth. Showing improvement. A grower. A grower. A grower. He just keeps growing while still being five feet, one inch. Okay, dude. Grew up by a power plant.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Something like that. Something like that. I loved it, man. Pure momentum through the whole set where my thick ladies at. A lot of them in the back. There was a lot of them back there. A lot of noise in the darkness. A lot of ladies like, please, not near the front. Not near the front. You could tell. The back went wild for the thick ladies. How's it going, Uncle Lazer? Going good.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And while our sweet, sweet crew goes and wrangles the comedian from across the street, we're going to get it started with one of our favorite golden ticket winners in the history of the show, an absolute sweet, sweet, sweet little fucking enchilada that we found many years ago in Houston, Texas. A long-tenured golden ticket winner here with the new minute.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
She brought Phoenix up here and said that I had sex with her. Yeah, I was fucking... She claims to be with an oil man.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Laser! Oh, my goodness. Pure momentum right now. This could be his greatest performance yet, everybody. I could tell. I've seen him. I've seen him have moments like this before. This is, we are going to relapse tonight, Laser 101. I've seen it before. All it takes is a few minutes on this show for him to lose control of his entire life. I am not kidding, by the way.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's funny because it's true, and he knows it. This is one of those moments where right now he's just thinking about pure cocaine.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wait, there's a bunch of homeless people wearing Uncle Laser merch right now? Can we get some fucking fans in Santa Fe, New Mexico to go around to the alleyways and take some pictures for us? Please. I need this so badly. Please tag Uncle Laser and Kill Tony Show and Red Band... Please.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Red Band is already looking at the satellite cameras in Santa Fe, New Mexico. We're trying to zoom in. We could not be more excited. I don't know if these homeless people know that they can afford Uncle Laser merch. It's very available. The prices are ridiculously low.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I love it, Lazer. And what's your love life like right now? I got a woman down from Buffalo. We just got one of those stripper dogs. Is it a buffalo? Is that what you said?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the adorable and powerful, This is Enrique Chacon, everyone.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. No, she's a doctor. She's a doctor? Yeah. Oh, my God. Whoa. What a dumbass. Yeah. Because I'm not a doctor, you know what I'm saying? Wow. I'm guessing she's a proctologist? What's that? Specializes in assholes. She's got a lot of work on her hands.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I say I'm dating a doctor. That's why. So, you know. Incredible. Incredible. And she's a doctor. She lives here now?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I love it. Seems like you're a very good listener back at home. All right, Lazer. I mean, unbelievable set. You have this... You've taken this pro wrestling energy... Throwback. And you've only been doing it how long? January was three years full-time. Three-year veteran of the game. Uncle Lazer. Thank you, guys. Learn to love it. He is coming to your town.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
People of New Mexico, go to Santa Fe, take pictures. Anyone who gets me pictures of homeless people wearing Uncle Lazer merch... Gets a, I don't know what, something. Something. We'll figure it out. He's fantastic. Just know you'll bring me great joy. Okay. We having fun out there, huh? Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Colin Sledge. Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
fuck yeah colin sledge i love it you're your own thing you got your own voice your own and who you are fucking amazing how long you been doing stand-up uh we'll call it three years amazing where at houston always houston okay you still live in houston yeah i live in houston amazing is that where you're born and raised yes born and raised i love it what do you do for a living
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Amazing. I love it. It makes perfect fucking sense. You have your own rhythm. You do look like you play the organ at a haunted house. This all makes perfect sense. I love it. Guys, Colin Sledge, can you believe what you're seeing?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Where's the camera? Where's my camera at? Straight out there. There's one over there. What the fuck? They're everywhere. It's wild that there's not a red light on that one in the back. Is there one back there? What, he would cover up the red light? That's weird. Okay. All right.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So, Colin, what does a guy like you, scary as fuck, what does a guy like you do for fun when you want to let loose a little bit? What part of the woman's body do you like to eat first?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What cemetery do you live in? What do you like to do for fun? What would surprise us about you?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Unbelievable. So what else? Tell me more about you. When you want to let your hair down and not be so creepy, what do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They could have done that over the phone, dude. He was still in the car. He pulled in. They're like, you got it. You got it. Keep going.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, yeah, I remember now. I remember now. For some reason, I pictured you, like, in the middle, like, with, like, sunglasses or something. Yeah, he's got real kiosk vibes.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Does this fucking guy work here? Shh. I'm busy. Yeah. Wow. How else do you flex your autism?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You know, and I don't think we've ever done this before in the history of this show. But John, I mean, this is a one in a billion snag right here. I don't know how fucking blatantly he can get out. He'll get out just fine. He'll climb somewhere. Matt will let him out. I mean, John Dees, is it okay if we let this fucking virtuoso step in for a second? I think he's asleep right now, everybody. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Ladies and gentlemen, put that mic in the mic stand there, Colin. By myself, yes. Wow, Deez is furious. This fucking poor sportsmanship over here. My God. Shut the fuck up. Come on. All right. Yeah, make sure it's the piano. Last thing we need is him fucking freaking out and screaming because it comes out like a violin or something. Oh, it's a violin. It's a violin. There he goes.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Colin looking very uncomfortable as a blind man walks by. Okay, yeah, he's blind, yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we never, ever, ever let anyone touch our amazing band leader, John Deez's piano. But I have to know what's going on with the stylings. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the musical debut. And just let him play. Let's not back him up.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Let's just feel the flow of the stylings of Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go. Okay, this is the only thing I've memorized. I mean, you can play anything you want.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. John Dees has set you up for failure. He wants to be the only good piano player.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, that's enough, Colin. You play like one of your students. I literally play piano better than you. No, Michael, no. I need a sustain, okay? You need a sustain. There is a pedal down there.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You're so funny. I feel like the interviews with you could go on forever and ever. Do you feel at home here?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Weirdly, yeah. How much material do you think you have if you had to do a rock-solid great set?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We're going to do three things here. First of all, Red Band. He lives in Houston. He lives in Houston. That is correct. That's a two-and-a-half-hour drive, Red Band. If you want to do The Secret Show Thursday... There you go. There you go. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And I want the talent booker here at the Comedy Mothership to see you. And the open mic here starts in about 15, 20 minutes. So if you stick around, you're going to get to showcase for the talent booker, the very famous Adam Egott. Booker of here, former Booker of the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, former co-host of the Norm MacDonald Show.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And I want you to do a guest spot on my show here at the Comedy Mothership. Wednesday at 7. It's a sold-out show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Is that okay? Do you have enough... Is it driving too much? I'll make it work. You're going to make it work. I think you will. That makes sense. But your interviews are so good. I think you should really come back here more. So, you know what?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I'm going to give you a golden ticket as well, Kyle. That is just... That's just a level of autism. There's a level of autism missing from this show since Hans Kim is always busy on the road nowadays, and we need someone like you. You're gonna fit in just fine. Congratulations. Here's the big joke book. Colin Sledge, ladies and gentlemen, has made his Kill Tony debut here. Colin Sledge.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
He's even got a good name, too. Look at that. Look at you. It's amazing. Amazing. That's it. That guy was fucking great, dude. This lady's going to suck his cock right now, just when you think he's got everything going for him. Ooh, this guy's got a good name, too. Anything can happen here. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Gus Horn, everyone. Gus Horn. Here we go. Oh, all right.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
There he is. Ooh, takes the glasses off after the set. What a little rock star we got. Holy shit. I love it, Enrique. Rock solid. One of my favorite minutes of yours. Thank you, man. Talking about topical stuff.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
32. Yikes. You look great, buddy. What have you been doing this whole life that makes you look like a 60-year-old Bosnian war veteran? I studied a lot. That's not it. What did you study? Cookbooks?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Brazilian? Yeah. Wow. Well, you look a Brazilian years older than you are. So stupid. That was a home run, dude. So stupid. That was the best joke I've ever heard. So stupid. Oh, we got D Madness back. There he is. There he is. Okay. So a nuclear engineer, and you don't do that anymore, huh?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. So what do you think is going to happen? What's happening, Gus? Tell us about it. You left a major, serious, safe, secure engineering job in order to chase your dreams of being a stand-up comedian. Tell us about the process of that.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You've done stand-up in 20 countries? You speak different languages?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Just 20 seconds. You can really say anything. We don't know what it is. I just want to know what it sounds like.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Little Portuguese from a little pork and cheese. That's what I call that right there. My man. Absolutely adorable. You guys could be a fucking act together. A groundbreaking new comedy act. Stage breaking too. That's right. Absolutely. So Gus Horn. Unbelievable. You were born in Brazil?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I bet you could slip right out of their grasp. Look at you. Look at how sweaty you are, Enrique. It is literally, we keep a thermometer here at all times. People think it's a joke. It's real. 67.3 degrees Fahrenheit. 67 degrees. And look at that forehead right now. Can you control that? Can you turn it down?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. Okay. As in Alex Pereira? Yeah. Wow. And is he part of your family?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's one of the most common last names in Brazil. Yeah, I know. And then there's the horns. You're a little bit German?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wait, what did the Germans do? What did you guys do? There is a little horn. There's a horn. There it is. Okay, anything ever go wrong when you were nuclear engineering? You ever have a little fucking, little, what's that, Chernobyl situation?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I mean, that batch had to be crazy. That is amazing. Nobody tried it? Just a rumor? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh my God. Amazing. Who brought the puppy home? Was it your idea?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What? Uber Eats. Yeah. You got a puppy delivered? How did this happen?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, nice. Did you bang her? Hm? That was my next question. Did you bang her? Not the dog. No, no. I'm not poor, innocent Charlie. But your ex, no? No. Was the puppy kind of like a way to try to save the relationship, you think?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How about, oh, there's Charlie. Charlie's calling into the show right now. Charlie, we're here with your former owner, Gus Horn. Charlie, do you miss Gus at all? Whoa, Jesus Christ. Jesus, Charlie, you're out of control. This fucking dog is wild. Oh, my God. All right, all right, that's enough. Hang up on Charlie. Okay.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You're right. I know. Just picturing meat being cut off in front of you. As a Brazilian, when you were done with the relationship, did you just flip your coin over to let her know that you weren't down for any more? I put it on rad, yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So these girls, did I ask you where you find them at, where you meet them at? Mostly Hinge. Right, okay, so it's apps. So, like, the most recent date that you went on, this was in Atlanta?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You got a couple of big guys here. Is that what you ask the doctor after he takes your blood pressure?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So, like, what do you do with a woman in Austria? What does a guy like Gus Horn do with a woman on a date from a dating app? Do you just have her come straight to your place?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What was that? Was that you? You have Fiona's laugh saved on a keyboard? Oh my God, that's amazing. Hold on. Wait till it gets quiet. I want to hear it one more time. Right now. Just hit the button. That is incredible. This is amazing. I've been trying to get Red Band to add new sound effects for 13 years. Deez is back there just with his own secret collection. What else do you have back there?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Anything else? You just saved Fiona's laugh? I love that. Hit it one more time. It's amazing. Oh, you guys got to do like a remix with that. You got to put that into a song. That belongs somewhere. Could play it at her funeral. Oh, come on. Shut up. Shut up. She's inevitably going to die. There you go. See, she thinks it's funny. Assholes. She has an uncurable disease.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Am I not supposed to joke about it? All right. Gus, you are a very, very funny man. Congratulations. Thank you very much. How long are you in Austin, Texas for? I'm supposed to leave tomorrow, but I don't have a job, so I can change things around. Where are you going to go? Atlanta? Yeah. And what's your setup in Atlanta? You have an apartment, a house?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I'm staying with my parents for a little while. Oh, staying with the parents. Oh, damn. There's a fucking... Gold digging bitch. It's furious in the back. Here's a big joke book, Gus. Congratulations. Very funny. Very funny. Gus Horn, ladies and gentlemen. Sign up again sometime, Gus. I gotta tell you, this is an interesting name. Some more beers. Oh, it's going down over here.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, this is an interesting name. Definitely a first time bucket pool. Let's see what happens here. This is the Kill Tony debut, no doubt, of Jasper the Disappointing Mime. Jasper the Disappointing Mime, here he is everybody.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, let's just do the show how we normally do it. Sorry. Your time to do something funny was then. That was it. Jasper, first of all, let me remind you that white mimes use more white face paint than you've used tonight. You are blatantly, this is one of the best ways to not get deported I've ever seen, is by being a mime, white face.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, how long have you been doing comedy, Jasper? Not that long, actually. A few years, a few years. A few years. How long have you been doing the disappointing mime act? Like six months. Six months. What made you want to switch from being you to a disappointing mime?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Who told you you were disappointing before? My family. Wow, this is absolutely incredible. Did they see you perform? Never, not once. Okay.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That's good enough for me, guys. That's it. Fiona gets the credit for that. Okay.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Built like an ice cream cone. Very tiny ankles. Getting bigger as it goes up. Sugar cone. It is a sugar cone. That's what I'm looking for. Our senior ice cream cone correspondent, Brian Redband, correcting me. It is a sugar cone, not a baby cone. We all know the differences in the cones. Has anyone ever called you a sugar cone before?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We're going to keep it moving along here. Thank you. Appreciate that. There you go. There you go. Oh, we don't? Let's get one more up here. Why not? Absolutely. I like... I liked them. Now that belongs on the Graham Norton show. You know, sometimes it's like, sometimes you have to ask yourself. Oh, they're miming. They're miming music. Wow. They're jamming so hard. Dee's doing it too. Dee gets it.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Somehow Dee knows what they're doing. The absolute fucking synergy of this band is incredible, to where the blind guy's like... I do believe that is, as far as I can remember, the first mime that we've ever had on this show, and definitely the first disappointing mime. You gotta like that he owns it. I was gonna ask him to lose the character and do stand-up as himself, but it just...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
There's just something. There's a line you walk on this show. You know, there's a reason why other podcasts don't just pull names out of a bucket. There really is. There's a real fucking reason why that no one, no matter how funny or whatever they may be, has the courage to be like, you know what I want to do. I'm going to let anyone sign up.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And a big part of the reason why is because every once in a while you get a Jasper the Disappointing Mind. Someone in which you're like, wow, is this one day going to be used as evidence in a federal court? We've only had one bucket pool ever end up being a murder. And, you know, it's true. It's true. There's date lines and everything about it. Gareth Pursehouse. Gareth Pursehouse. And, yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, there's a lot going on. They've only just begun uncovering the great mystery of Gareth Pursehouse, who murdered Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend while, yeah, he got pulled out of the bucket while Drew Carey, in an unbelievable turn of coincidences, was performing upstairs at the Comedy Store that night. Gareth Pursehouse got pulled out of the bucket in the main room.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And then only, I think, a few weeks or a couple months later, after a terrible performance on the show, murdered his ex-girlfriend, who was also Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend. God damn. Yeah, Boo is right. Murders are bad, lady. There's a lot of, yes, Boo the murderer. Brilliant stuff happening here. I love the heckling from the crowd during a mimes performance, by the way.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I got to give you guys some credit. Guy was ready to kill himself.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. If anybody sees a little French beret with brains next to it on the sidewalk later, we're going to know what happened. We are waiting for your final bucket pool of the night. Any second now. Young Colt will be walking through that door. What's the point of having headsets for the producers if he still has to run across the street? I mean, you could just text somebody, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, isn't there a better system for this? Is there anything? They're just smiling at us. Yeah, that's great. I love it. It just keeps... We've had a way better week than last week. It is unbelievable. We are indeed coming off of the episode in which we all lost count. There was an absolute record-setting amount of bucket pulls. We got rid of every little joke book. And...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I mean like it would be faster if I got up and walked over and got the person and walked them back. Like there's headsets, there's walkie talkies. It's like a high level show. We got a fancy table now and somehow it takes seven minutes for a... Yeah, here we go. Here it comes. Any fucking second now. There he is. We need a better system for this.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Whoa, there's some people vomiting in the crowd right now. Absolutely incredible. You have a wristband that looks extremely tight. Seems like your hand is going to be deported before the rest of you. What is that wristband? How are you ever going to get it off?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You guys ready for your final bucket pool of the night? Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Make some noise for Seth Tilley. Seth Tilley.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right. I can't believe we waited for that. That was a long wait. Hi, Seth. Welcome. How are you? Step up to that mic. How long have you been doing stand-up? April 1st, make a year. April 1st, we'll make a year.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. Where are you from? Lake Charles, Louisiana. Lake Charles, Louisiana. Absolutely. You like crawfish? Oh, I eat the motherfuckers up, man. You're goddamn right. Hell yeah, you do. Tis the season. Tis the season around here. It's crawfish season. You sucking heads? I don't suck the heads. It's too metallic.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It has a metallic taste. Oh, wow. Yeah. God damn, I didn't realize Lake Charles was the fucking pussy farm over there. Hey, but I'm open to a pussy eating contest in Lake Charles. Okay. Oh, yeah. All right. You have some real swagger to you. What do you do for...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, he does. He has the swagger of a snowman that just turned into a real human.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What do you do for the airlines? Baggage. Baggage, yes. Yep. Absolutely. Working on the old supply line. I love it. Absolutely. And what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has a lot of pastimes, a lot of hobbies.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
How does that start? How does a Xanax addiction start? Well, I can tell you how it stops.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay. I'm sure there's some people half asleep cracking up out there on Xanax. People waiting. I've been waiting for a Xanax comedian. So how does it start? My question, my much more interesting question was how does someone start? I'm always so intrigued to know how these things happen. I steer clear of all drugs except for alcohol, marijuana, and mushrooms a few times a year.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
In order to not get addicted to anything. So how does a Xanax addiction start? I've never even, I took melatonin. I've done that like once and it's crazy. I sweat, I have crazy dreams, I sleep, slept, walked. I took a half of one the next time, same exact shit. I can't do anything. Tell me how a Xanax addiction starts.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I love it. This guy's great, dude. It is. He's wiping the sweat out of his eyes. You would think he's in round 10 of a boxing match right now if he was joining us. Jake Paul, where you at? His hair is sweating. I've never seen sweaty hair before. It is coming from the top of his head. He's literally, I've made a lot of ice cream cone references while he melts up here tonight.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Almost sexual. I was going to say, let's get some Zanny bars. Yeah. But what made you take that? Was there a lady that's like, you should try one of these? Something like that. That first pill, where do you get it? How do you find it? How do you know you even like it? How do you want it?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
No, I get it. Again, that's why I don't try these things, because I'm afraid I'll like them. It seems enjoyable. Yeah, you're a smart man. Uh-huh. Yep. Okay, so what else, Seth? What else have you been doing your whole life? How old are you? I am 38. Jesus Christ, what is going on tonight? There are a lot of extremely, it's like, I'm 17, Tony. Like, what is going on in here?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Crawl dads and zannies. It's unbelievable when Red Band looks younger than all the bucket bowls. Hey, what would you do for a Xanax, boy? Okay, this guy loves Xanax. I love it. Fighting it, don't I? Right, you're fighting it right now? Nope. Okay. The sweat on your upper lip tells me different. Yeah. Hey, that's what she said, bro. Okay, all right.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Okay, with the rest of your life, Seth, what else have you done? You've lived a full life other than Xanax. What have you done?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Can you explain to us normal people what a firmware update from you would?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You're going to... There you go. Caught that. Two disappointing mimes in a row, everybody. All right. Now, you know, this episode had a lot of momentum early on and slowly right towards the end got very sad. And I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Jolt us alive one last time.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
with the stylings of the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever on the show, the most interviews. He's back, and he's redder than ever. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Sioux Falls Folly, the Xanax Zanzibar himself, the Knickerbocker of New York, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
We have the facts. Enrique, a great set. Are some of your family members illegal? Let's talk about it.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
59.99 seconds. Like the man who's done it more than anyone ever. You nailed it, my friend. I was so close to a minute, Tony. You are the absolute best, William. One of the most loved human beings in all of the art form. An international superstar, unlike anything we've ever seen or fathomed before.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Have you thought about, because we have a very, very beautiful, very famous river here, have you thought about rowing in real life?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You don't even need a club. You could just have your thing. You could just have your thing and go out there. Your canoe. I need to figure it out.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Is there something about... Where is the rower in your house exactly? What part of the... It's not in my house.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Why? How could that possibly be? How could the volume be busted?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I was trying. Wow. Now, when you say the volume's busted, does that mean you can hear it a little bit?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
My goodness. But when you get to the gym, you put in headphones?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You do what you are. There is a little bit of perspiration happening. There's a lot of food up in the green room. You didn't want to partake in any of that? No, not ever since it got me sick.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Don't you kind of always get sick from things? I just ate seven tacos up there. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's so exciting. Have you ever thought about perhaps inviting Red Band with you? You guys could row together. Can you swim? Yeah. Yeah. William, a fun fact, he's a superior athlete, a former cycling champion.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I don't normally talk about my personal life on the show very much, but I golf with Lance Armstrong. That's one of my golf buddies, and he is ridiculously competitive, even though he's great at everything. He's still very competitive.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So to hear that, to hear that your mom, the sweet southern little tiny sweet lady, so sweet she's been on this show, one of the great guests, or the Montgomery's, the only... duo of parents to ever sit on the panel of the show. To hear that she said, well, not as good as you, obviously, is just, I can't even imagine what he must have thought. Just what a stupid piece of shit she is.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They don't let you vote? The Democrats that let you here don't want you to vote? I've never heard of such a thing.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
In that moment, in that moment, even though I don't think that, I know that he thought that. There's no doubt about it. For sure. Just what a dumb piece of white trash this lady. Yeah, stupid woman.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. That's fun. William, what else is going on before we get out of here?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, we could do it right now. Hit it. You haven't shit in like two days. One, two, three, four. That is an amazing sound effect. Brought to you by Talkspace and Shopify. William, you are the absolute best. You are a legend. Nice to be here, Tony. We love you and we did it again. These are the RU Garbage Boys. Thank you, guys. Route 66 out now on their YouTube. Go to YouTube. Type in RU Garbage.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Truly one of the funniest podcasts. Two of the funniest human beings. RU Garbage. R-U... R-O-U-T-E 6-6. There it is. Turn that shit up. Thank you so much, everybody. Red Band, you want to say anything? Check out The Secret Show at thesunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. Big, big announcement coming. Stay tuned for those of you that live around the world. Chris Rogers, what do you got tonight?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, I bet. By blue shit, do you mean your left hand that is slowly turning? Fuck, Cody!
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What do we got over there? Oh, Matt Muehling, look at that. Wow. Unbelievable. Incredible. All right. Audience, we love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Wow. Did you get her a ring as well? Yeah, I did get her a ring. Is it an onion ring?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I bet I am. Yeah. I bet. What else is going on? Things are good with the girl?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yes, that is true. Oh, my goodness. Look at the sweat pouring down. Nobody got an extra towel over here? Enrique, remind us all how old you are.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
And by the amount of sweat, he just, on the Kill Tony death pole, just passed up Brian Redman on the mountaintop. Absolutely incredible. Brian is 50 and gray, and you just passed him up at 28 years old. You are the most likely to die next. How does that make you feel, Enrique?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Play some of that Mexican shit for me at the funeral. There he goes, Enrique Chacon, everybody, getting the show started. I love you guys. Ba-na-na-na. All right. It is time to go to the bucket. The famous part of the show where we meet people, find people. Could be the next great talent. Could be somebody that thought they were going to do great. Could be somebody's first time.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Could be a 20-year veteran here to try to make it for the first time ever in their lives. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It is Brooke Riddell, everyone. Brooke Riddell here on Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace and Shopify.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everyone? And that's the best damn band in all of the land, proving it yet again. Make some noise for them, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike, believe it or not. That is...
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Well, well, well.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Hey, this is Rippin' coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill or Die. Get up or Tony. It's good. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So you use your imagination, because there's no black guys in Ukraine, is what you're saying.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And it is pretty... We've been sending giant missiles to Ukraine for a couple years. Maybe, uh... War jokes. Do you know... But, like...
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What is, just give us one thing before we get you out of here. What do you mean?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You know how it is. Ari's been jerking off to the view. You know how it is. The party has begun. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun. This is Kill Tony live from Austin, Texas. Brought to you by Nicked. Nicked, N-Y-K-D. The amazing nicotine pouch. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, has joined the fray. And now it begins, our first bucket pool of the night.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Simple, they do a minute, we interview them, we don't know them, anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. Jovan Afzali. I wanted to say Jovan. But this guy knows, Jovan Absali.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Jovan... Jovan... Afzali. What is that? What's your ethnicity?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm guessing you don't have a canoe and an internship.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, you're wearing the pants, that makes sense. I was wondering if those are legit chef's pants, they are. Yep, I had work, yep. Okay, and how long have you done that for?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years, wow. Where at?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, you must love it here compared to Albany, New York.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Tony, you'd think he'd have better lines being a line cook.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He's been cooking up. Brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, jet ski. Jet ski. Okay. Who's on your shirt? My mom. That's Derek's mother. Penelope Poston. We all know her. We love her.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow. All right. Somehow that's the most racist part of the show so far. Very interesting. What do you specialize in cooking?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right. What have you learned working at the Asian restaurant? Do you have a mean Asian boss?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Just in case they're, like, ready to throw you in there right now. Dress for the job you want, am I right? Absolutely. 100%. 100%. Joven, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, can we get a little, like, what type of music do you dance to? Country?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hell yeah. The Afghani assassin. All right. With the Indian trap music. It is wild. Your father, it seems like he'd be furious to see you do that.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What does he think about you doing stand-up, your Afghani father? Uh, he seems to like it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And they're up in Albany still? Yeah, that's where they live. They have caves there?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What type of girls are you into? Do you find yourself being more into brown girls?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't know. The face doesn't even matter to Joven. He doesn't care. It's mostly about the attitude.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Just kind of not smiling a lot. Can you do an impression of a grumpy Asian woman that you would be into? Just go for it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. But it was a good set. You are the first bucket pulled tonight. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. And it has begun. There goes Jovan Afzali. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Look, I know that none of you watch porn and neither do I. I think it's gross. But just in case you have any friends that do, help me pass along this important PSA.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Incognito mode does not make you incognito. Check the fine print. All your late night activities are still 100% visible to a ton of third parties unless you use ExpressVPN. And let me throw it to our in-house porn expert, RedBang.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yikes is right, Red Band. ExpressVPN reroutes 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers so third parties can't see your browsing history. ExpressVPN hides your IP address, making it extremely difficult for third parties to track your online activity. It's so easy to use. Just fire up the app and click one button to get protected.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's also rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge. I personally love using ExpressVPN. When we travel, I can rest easy knowing my data is safe and secure around the globe. So protect your online privacy today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash Kill Tony. And you can get an extra four months for free.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
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KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
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KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I love that. Those are assists. Assists. Yes, that is an incredible lineup, Red Band. You totally know what you're talking about. It's blatant that anybody can do it. So download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Again, download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yes. Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And how loud can this place get for the best damn band in all the fucking land? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. A legend of the show joining us on trumpet, the jet ski Jesse Johnson.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Prize picks run your game. All right. Your next bucket pool, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Sammy Blumenthal. Sammy Blumenthal. Here she is.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Sammy Blumenthal. Welcome, welcome. Sammy, is this your first time on the show? My second time. Nice. Welcome back. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
A little over a year. When was the last time you were on?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, yeah, that has nothing to do with the question that I asked you. I'm sorry, okay. So December was when you were on the show? Yep, there we go, December. Took a long time for it to come out, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You are Jewish. That confirms it right there. Um, I did this show, but then it took, like, four weeks. You must have taken your first vacation in absolute years or something. Wow, thank you, Sammy, for pointing that out for no reason. Took fucking two weeks in a row off. I got this Jew calling me out on it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, so, Sammy, that was fun. You've been doing stand-up for a year. What do you do for a living?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right. Sorry. I'm a simple man. Okay, have you ever saved somebody's life? What's your greatest accomplishment from that job?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We're finding out what kind of porn Ari's actually into. I have a lot of explaining to do a German shepherd on Jew girl tits.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right. Let's talk about your relationship with your dog.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Game. But he does. He continues to get hard without balls. Yeah. Absolutely. Is there something that happens? Is there something that you do? Is it when you're cooking? Is it when you wake up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. Let's stick with the real. When does he get hard? We want to know when the dog gets hard. We are genuinely concerned.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Do you spit on it? That was Red Band. All lawsuits go to Ryan Red Band for that one. Disgusting. Disgusting. So gross. Do you spit on it? All right. So Sammy, what's your love life actually like? You seem like a likable pretty girl, but you seem like a cat lady that has a dog. Really? I'm, like, severely allergic to cats.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. The great Matt Muehling is on the electric guitar. John Dee's on the keys. And that is indeed live in the flesh, the one and only Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. We are gonna have so much fun tonight. Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Let's go. Tell us more about this might be gayer than you thought thing. How does this happen? I like this.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Do you have a video of it? Red Band. Red Band, you are misbehaving tonight. You're out of control. This is a professional show. We were almost there, Red Band. This is a professional show. We were almost there.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We respect women, and we don't do that. Okay, take us back. Do you have video of it? Yeah. All right, I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You went down on a girl and you threw up? Yes. Oh, this is epic. Yes, so... This is unbelievable. I'm one of the greatest interviewers in podcast history. How did we get here?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Take us step by step throughout the night. Did you go to a movie? Did you have dinner? What happened here?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you're hanging out at the apartment. What are you guys doing? What are you doing? How old was she when you were 12?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, but you guys are grown up. You're hanging out. It's just the two of you. You're at her place doing girly things. What are you guys doing? Like the dishes? Uh... Terrible. Terrible. I'm sorry, ladies. No, it's okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Did you really feel in her boobs? I was touching her boobs. You gotta feel her titties a little bit before you go down. Kissing like this?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, no, I... Yeah, you have to go around the bases. You can't cut from first to third across the pitcher's mound.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I now remember your appearance on this show. Yes, yes. You had a boyfriend that you found, remind us, it was a video?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, D Madness has to go. Famous homophobe, D Madness. When he gets too gay, D Madness takes a break.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So you found out your boyfriend's gay. Even though you're in an open relationship, you say, no way. And then you're hanging out with your girlfriend.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Let's just slow it down. Before the vomit. Before the vomit. Because we want to paint a picture here a little bit. Are you on a couch, a bed? Bed. And you guys are both naked or she just took her pants off? What's going on here? We are both naked. But naked. But naked. And she hasn't done anything to you?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you go between her legs. How long do you think you're there about? How long do you last?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Red Band's only heard people have sex before. Well, like, the reason why... We actually do have a sound of Red Band having sex.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's after Tom Segura broke his arm. He made this. So play it one more time. It's not sex. Tom Segura broke his arm playing basketball. Okay, back to it. So you're down there, you're talking, you're asking questions while swiping your tongue randomly and then checking back in again.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, no, no, no. Don't do that. Hold on. Okay, so let's keep going. Let's keep going. You can't tell them to do something. So sorry. They're going to turn on you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Do you think she could hear you vomiting? Oh, she knew.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Time to go back to school, I guess. Redband, you are really... That makes no sense.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, it's like, very rarely is there a case of bulimia after that kind of eating out. Yeah. What's her Instagram?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. All right. Well, Sammy, what size joke book did you get last time? I did get a big one. There you go. Thank you so much. There she goes. Sammy Blumenthal. How fun. Long interview. Very fun. All right. Let's keep it moving along. We're having fun here. There goes Sammy Blumenthal. And on to the next one we go. Will Hunsinger. Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody. Come on, guys.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's my time. Will Hunsinger, everybody. Welcome, Will. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years. I love it. Where at?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, you're in for a treat. Luckily, I book this show, and every single week I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on. This week is an extra special one, because we don't always get to see our dear, dear brothers from the other places, New York, Los Angeles, as much as we'd like, especially the few that we really love from New York and Los Angeles.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Don't move for that shit. Don't do that. What exactly do you do as an aerospace engineer?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Will Hunsinger. He's innocent, by the way. That motherfucker's handsome.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Will, let me just cut to the chase here. We just had a girl on here who went down on a girl once and vomited. Do you have anything in your life that interesting that's ever happened?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hey, y'all. The number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, night two of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for night one, April 4th. There is also the London O2 Arena. Massive, massive arena. It's our only show in Europe. That is June 7th.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So, what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How many years have you played guitar for? Oh, like two or three.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Maybe it's about your family. Maybe it's something that's happened to you. Anything at all.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Ladies and gentlemen, two of my dear brothers, two of the most successful comedians out there. One has the newest special on Netflix. It's called Life. Your guests tonight are Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston. Oh, my God. Yes. Live in the flesh. Make some fucking noise for Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston here in Uxton, Texas. with the newest special on Netflix. It's called Life.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And the buddy that you punched, he was on Mushrooms 2, right?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Imagine that. Imagine you see your spirit guide coming down the stairs. You're tripping your balls off and you're like, oh, he's back. Oh, great. What the fuck?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But... Perfect. Perfect. Well, Will, thanks for signing up. Fun times. On to the next one we go. Here's a little joke book. Oh, my goodness. Wow. This guy's a jujitsu. He catches like a jujitsu guy. This podcast is sponsored by Open Phone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected. That's why you need Open Phone. Open Phone.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. With Open Phone, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox. That way, any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever. Plus, with AI-powered call transcripts and summaries, you'll be able to automate follow-ups, ensuring you'll never... miss a customer interaction again.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
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KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
slash kill tony and if you have existing numbers with another service open phone will port them over at no extra charge open phone no missed calls no missed customers Hello there, our friends. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You all know what speed dating is, right? Well, if you are the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
In other words, you could meet several interested qualified candidates at once, all at a designated time. Well, good news, there is. It's ZipIntro from ZipRecruiter. You can post your job today and start talking to qualified candidates tomorrow and right now. You could try ZipIntro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's so easy. It's so easy. Red Band can do it. So enjoy the benefits of speed hiring with new Zip Intro, only from Zip Recruiter, rated number one hiring site based on G2. Try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Zip Intro. Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. What's going on over there?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Michael, what's happening? What is going on over there? What's happening? Let me just tell you, Michael, you have no idea how replaceable you are. Wait a second. Oh my God. A legend of the game. Who would have guessed? Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen, the original Kill Tony drummer is visiting. Switch it up. There they go. From one, this is it. Mexicans taking Mexicans' jobs.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Make some noise for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. A lot of you probably are newer fans. Bandwagon fans. Joel has traveled the world as a Kill Tony drummer. Somebody call ICE on this motherfucker. When Joel Berg says a funny, everybody chants Joel Berg. You guys get it? You go Joel Berg. You'll get it. He's very funny. How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
With Jetski Jesse Johnson. It's all J's. It's six J's. Jetski Jesse Johnson and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. That's crazy. I've never noticed that before. What? I don't know what you're saying. Oh, my God. Sometimes I wish we had another camera and mic so that you guys could see the retarded show that I deal with, listening to Red Band say things next to me. Look at those jugs. What's wrong with you?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Derek has a new special on Don't Tell Comedy coming April 16th. This is very, very exciting to have you guys. You've been on this show before. Derek's my fucking homie from the green room here in the mothership taking over Austin, Texas. One of the funniest people in the world. Say hi, Derek.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
This guy's out of control tonight. Why would you say that? All right. Indeed. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Brian Smith, everybody. Make some noise for Brian Smith.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Holy shit. Thank you. What the fuck? That was crazy, dude. That was fucking absolutely nuts.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't think you had to run. Did they make it so that you have to sprint? Right. No, definitely not. I had to lightly jog. But who told you that? Dusty. Somebody told you to lightly jog?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. Yeah. It took a while to get there, but we found out he walked here, ladies and gentlemen. Just making sure. We would never make somebody lightly jog, especially somebody that already looks like they've been boiled today. Yeah. Fucking guy. I've never met a rotisserie human before. This is absolutely unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Some people refer to me as red sometimes, but that's a special color. I'm never that color.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It is true. Probably isn't, honestly. This is incredible. Thank you. I mean, do you ever exercise?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
and the great and powerful Andrew Schultz. Hello, everybody. Back on this show, first time back since Madison Square Garden.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Is this why you thought walking fast was jogging? Yeah. Right. Right. What kind of exercise have you done?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Bryant Smith. Thank you. Can we see some of your yard karate? I'm obsessed with this idea. Put the mic in the mic stand. I know you've got a lot of exercise in already today. I did. And here it is. Give me some karate music. It's fucking anything. Yep, there you go. That's... Really? That's your... That's your... Yeah. One of the horn players kind of gets it. Okay. All right. That's enough.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Brian, stick with me here. What do you do for work? I got fired on Wednesday. Okay. You do look like you've been on a fire. On fire, yeah. Right, okay. What did you get fired from?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's what type of party we're having here. And life is good. You guys have been on this show before. You know what's going on. Over 270 souls signed up for the opportunity to get picked out of this bucket. I'm going to have this guy with pubes for a beard. Wow, right off the fucking top. What a simple man you are, just the first thing. Ooh, that's a weird-looking name. This'll be fun.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What was the decision that she made exactly? I want to know the behind the scenes. Believe it or not, I'm a T-Mobile guy. I like T-Mobile. I stand by T-Mobile. They use everybody's satellites. You get free Wi-Fi on flights.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum. So what are you going to do? Do you have money saved up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. It's funny you have a nest egg because you have fucking chicken skin, dude.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. Oh, my God. We are back. Joel Berg and Jetski passing the ball back and forth. Shades of 2016, 17, 18, 19. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Oh, thank you, Brian. You're welcome. Tell us something crazy about your life. You are an odd bird indeed. True. I can't imagine.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Is there something that you do? Do you dip your face in a deep fryer or something? There's got to be some type of habit that happens. Scared of soap? We all drink quite a bit. We all have fun.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, we go wrangle that person, and you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds. You know your time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means I have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. While they go wrangle that person from across the street, we are going to start the show with one of our greatest regulars in the history of Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow, 5'6", 250. Red Band has entered the chat, everybody.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You saw me run over here earlier. Okay, so let's talk about the breakup. Where does it happen at? Are you at a restaurant? It was via text. Oh, T-Mobile.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Unbelievable. Put those jet skis in the air, ladies and gentlemen. She is on fire. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Jet ski Johnson on tour. Jesus Christ. Jet ski Johnson.com. Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
10 months of your life. Yeah. A woman that really liked you and you're willing to burn it all down to the ground. I could do better.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
When you say heavy bender, before I let you go, when you say heavy bender, paint the picture for us.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Is that okay? Ladies and gentlemen, you know, now that I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America, a lot has changed. And one of the things is, is we are scurrying around to get this man his American citizenship. Tonight's show will begin with the stylings of the one and only Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty!
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How many of those do you go through? Do you switch to liquor at some point?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, shit. And you were drinking while working at T-Mobile, obviously?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
A little shot. So how many drinks total? Let's say on an off day, like you are now. You're saying that you're on a bender. So how many drinks per day do you think we're going through now?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
This is incredible. We are... We are witnessing a slow suicide. This is amazing. Are you happy right now? Is this the most exciting thing that's happened to you? Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it. Thank you guys so much. Yes. You should have heard them before you came out. They were quiet all night, just absolutely silent. No, very fun. I'll tell you what, Brian.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Normally, a guy like you would leave here with a little joke book. But you know what I'm going to do? Not only am I going to give you a big joke book, because if you're going to write a suicide note, you've got to do it right. But I'm also going to give you a delicious can of nicked spearmint nicotine pouches. For me? It could help you get off the bender that you're on, perhaps.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Nicotine has a lot of amazing qualities. There he goes. Brian Smith, everybody. Thank you so much. Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That was great. You get that a lot on the show? A lot.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What do you think would happen if a couple offered him that opportunity? You think he would do it?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It was crazy. Andrew makes a great point. He turned to me. He said it. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There's not a black couple in the world that would invite Red Band to.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Lie detected. Dude, we're just such big fans. I really want you to fuck my wife. It's happened to you too.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yes. You were at a convenience store and you go, give me everything in the room.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Cam was raised on the streets of Orlando, Florida. Never seen a duke. And he never went anywhere. We've been, on these interviews during this show, we've seen him see snow for the first time.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you saw the red dot. What did, did you say anything to him? No, I was just like, this is crazy, dog. I heard about him a lot. What did he say to you? Was he like, stop looting? Please, this is my livelihood.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's crazy. We just saw a guy with a lot of red dots.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Tight shit. It's true. It's good. It's true. We went from fucking chicken pox to chicken rocks over this. All right, Cam, you're a superstar. You've done it again. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Not easy to write a new minute every single week at all. And he does it. Yep. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Matt Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, we're in there. Go ahead. We want to hear it. Matt Gonzalez, what were you thinking about the other day?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You're in the interview part now. You're in the interview part now.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What is the dildo? Okay. Matt, welcome. Have you been on this show before? You look familiar.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Good premise with the black pickleball players. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Appreciate it. Yeah, he did good. He talked about there's no black pickleball players and enjoy it now, white people, because when they start, just like with all other sports, they're going to take over.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's true. You should add that to the thing. That's the new best part of the whole joke.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yes, it's Joel Berg. He can say that because he is Latino, ladies and gentlemen. So, Matt Gonzalez, what have you been doing for fun? What does a guy like you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm just like a- I need to know who makes those screws.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
If you had a bad... What's your living situation? This is crazy that you... Nothing changed. I still live... We don't remember. We do this every week.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You live with your grandpa? Yeah. Does he sleep in a... He sleeps in a normal bed. It's Willy Wonka style. They sleep in the same hammock.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, but he sleeps in a normal bed. Yeah. And where is your hammock located?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You're a funny guy. Thank you, thank you. You are funny.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Great delivery. It is. You have a real natural knack at being funny. Thank you. Do you do a lot of spots? You working hard?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, my God. She is in full jet ski form tonight. We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen. The engines are fully operational on this jet ski. Holy shit. Wow. So you're with women that are so unbelievably easy. That they see a hammock and they're like, let's fucking go, Big Daddy.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas, like the Maverick Center, just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, April 18th. Reno, Nevada, the Grand Theater. The Honda Center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do stand-up in a legendary arena like that. In Anaheim, May 9th. Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
This is unbelievable. Let's switch spots. Let's switch spots. I'll play the fucking trumpet. She's on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Chesky, Jesse, Johnson, Rochester, Nashville.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Unbelievable. The hammock jokes are going on. Ballistic here on Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Incredible. From post to post, the hammock jokes are elevated. Incredible. You can only do so many positions on that, right? There is no doggy style that's out unless you just have her bent over the actual hammock, but you can't be on the hammock yourself. That would be an absolute disaster, a ticking time bomb, if you will. He does it sideways, if I remember right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He remembers. Anywhere where the word ham is, Red Band's watching through a window. I'm mad.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's a hammock, a bacon-ick, a cake-ick. Oh, my goodness.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What? Red Band. Stick with the soundboard. All right. Matt Gonzalez. Is there anything else crazy? Any other updates we should know about your life since the last time you were on?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He goes, you might recognize them from Between Two Ferns with... Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, no, I'm really just hanging out. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Catch them floating around all around town. So what's the longest set you've ever done?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
A small joke book? Yeah. And so you've been on twice before. Both times you've been given a small joke book. Yes, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. That's where... All the hard work gets you. Matt Gonzalez. Now, I'm going to tell you, when I pulled this out, I noticed its special quality right away. Because, take note, the drummer's name is Michael Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We sent him off to enjoy the show from the upper balconies for the first time ever. And since then, I've pulled... a Brian Smith, a Cam Patterson, obviously, was set to go up, and a Matt Gonzalez. And now, ladies and gentlemen, in an unbelievable turn of events, your next comedian goes by the name of Peter Gonzalez, everybody. This is your third Gonzalez on stage tonight. This is an anomaly.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, Peter Gonzalez, everybody. Let's just get right into it. Peter, yeah, Andrew, go ahead, get us started.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Thank you, Andrew. I appreciate it, bro. Never do that Alamo joke again, though. If it doesn't hit here, it's never going to hit anywhere. No one knows what the fucking Alamo is.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, exactly. You don't want anyone to do that. People want to know about you, not your fucking outlook on some old historical fucking site. We gotta learn about Peter, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, what do you do at an office depot? Do you stand outside looking for secretary work? Nah, bro. That deserved a bigger laugh for sure. Because Mexicans are usually at Home Depot. All right. Right, right, right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
They move up to Office Depot. Standing outside of an office. Taxes. Accounting.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There it is. Ari Matty has done it again. We did it. Indeed, porn is strangely illegal here. There's a lot of sites that work, but the big main ones don't. And it is very odd. I love that. It's a bummer, yeah. It is. The premise is unbelievable. Just to let you know, it's not exactly Edward Snowden that you have to be. All you have to do is sign up at expressvpn.com. Slash Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's great. Appreciate it. You're doing just fine. You're the third funniest Gonzalez that's been on this stage tonight. Goddamn. You're doing great. No, you're doing fine. I'm just kidding. Office Depot.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Sell me some paper right now. Give him the single spotlight. I want you to sell me some paper.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Like, are you looking for, like, a specific... Well, I want some nice stationery, actually. I like fancy paper with, like, borders or something like that.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Can you tell me where the... Don't say borders or papers to a Mexican guy, dude.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What do you do for fun? You go to San Antonio and hang out with the muchachas?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, but what do you do for fun? How does a guy like you let loose?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Come on, there must be something. You must have a hobby, something you like.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What happened a couple months ago? What happened with that girl?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't really... Tony, you can't spell deport without depot.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That is true. That is true. So she came into Office Depot. What was she looking for this one?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And then how did it go down? You guys were in the break-in.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, yeah, and eventually we just started. What kind of car is it? What kind of Honda Civic is it?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Toyota Camry. I don't have a car anymore. Absolute twin sister of the Honda Civic, for those of you paying attention. Is it white?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, Peter. What scares you? Are you afraid of anything?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Stage fright. Other than that, what else? Come on, there must be something.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you can get an extra four months free. And you just have to click one button. You just fire up the app. And it works on all devices. Phones, laptops, tablets, and more. But yeah, I get it. It is weird. And you have to go to some janky porn sites.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You have powerful instincts. Has that ever happened before where you thought something was going to happen and then it happened?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Schultz was right about you. There's something in there. Keep fucking doing it. Keep working hard. Don't ever do the... But make me a promise. You'll never do the fucking Alamo joke again, okay?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, well, appreciate it. There he goes. Peter Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Peter Gonzalez. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Tyler Langlois. Tyler Langlois. Here we go. Make some noise one more time, everybody. These people wait all day for this. Tyler Langlois.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There he is, Tyler Langlois. Hi, Tyler. Hello. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Awesome. Look at you. Lucky guy. Eight years. From Jersey. What do you do for work in Jersey? I work at a pizzeria. A pizzeria. That is so Jersey. It's as Jersey as it gets. It's like the last guy playing soccer on Sundays. How long have you been working at a pizzeria?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's a solid rating. That is really good. Did you happen to make that pizza that day?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow. And it said Dave's going to be coming in around three or something like that?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You guys can't see this, but your lack of ass is insane. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Let's see it. Turn around for us. Let's see that. Oh, my God, it's incredible. It is incredible.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
400 pounds, how did you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It is. Oh, D-Madness agreeing that all the webs are dark to D-Madness. What do you use? A laptop, an iPad, your phone? What are you on now?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Incredible. What else about you? What else about you, Tyler? Tell us more about your life. Your parents live in Jersey? Your whole family's there?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You live with your whole family? Yeah. How big is the family?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Basement energies, if I've ever seen them before, it is absolutely incredible. The home of the flat ass people. They all go to the basement. So we are, we do a special thing here. You got a 7.4 from Dave Portnoy, but here on Kill Tony, we do a special thing. We go on Yelp and we go to the lowest reviews possible. I'm gonna read a one-star review from Romeo's Italian Kitchen.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Ordered an Italian hot dog. You make Italian hot dogs? I don't make anything. But your place makes Italian hot dogs? Yeah. Right. What exactly is an Italian hot dog? I am Italian-American. If anyone should know what an Italian hot dog is, it should be me. Explain to me what that is. Is it just a hot dog with marinara sauce and cheese on it?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay, let's go back to this. I ordered an Italian hot dog. I had to recook the hot dog in my air fryer. The smallest amount of potatoes I ever had. They come with a side of potatoes? Oh, there's potatoes on it. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Mozzarella sticks also not cooked well. They are so chewy. Unpleasant to eat. Will not go back there. From Nancy. Okay. 11 months ago.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We got new mozzarella sticks since then. Oh, okay. Perfect. Bruce, one year ago, says, I ordered two salads for delivery. When they arrived, they were crammed in a bag that was so small they were spilling out. The delivery guy tosses the salads and they shockingly don't get caught and spill all over the ground. He tells my girlfriend it's her fault. She should be more careful and leaves.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Why wasn't my order replaced at no charge? Why is your delivery guy a psycho who blames others when his only job is handing off food without dropping it all over the ground and then leaving? her to clean it up. Why do you use bags so inappropriate for these items? I'm sure others have called you out on it. You disgust me and open my eyes to the joys of DoorDash. Take care.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There's a lot of questions. Would you like to answer any of them?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. Over two years ago, my wife and I found it interesting that the counter guy, the one that thinks he's really cool, was wearing sweatpants with the word yikes boldly displayed on the front of his crotch. The front, what the fuck? This is crazy. nice attire for a family establishment. We ate our bland pizza and left, vowing to never return. Vowing? Who says vowing on a one star?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. You ever do both? You ever do both, laptop and phone, have a little threesome?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Boss G with 11 likes. updated over three years ago, says, greasy shit, you can tell it's... Greasy shit, you can tell it's literal sweaty pizza and is so terrible, I had a terrible experience with the survive took way too long.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What's the address? It is the one on... Elton Adolfo. Fuck. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, I like your style, Tyler. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, and by the way, those were just the one-star reviews. Overall, it sits at a... Four and a half stars, 39 reviews. Yeah, 99 reviews, 4.3 stars. Bravo. Yeah. Red Band doesn't know how to read, everybody. That's why it's Red Band, not Read Band, everyone. All right, there he goes. Great stuff. Tyler Langlois, everybody. All right, let's get one last bucket full out there. Is that cool?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You guys have a little energy? Your final bucket full of the night has the kind of name where he's probably eaten at a Romeo's pizzeria before. Make some noise for Vinnie Rauchy, everybody. Vinnie Rauchy. Oh, hell yeah. This guy must be the owner. All right, one more time for Vinnie Rauchy, everyone.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And it is all over. Oh my God, he's hurt! What he needs to do here is flip his leg to the other side. You're wonderful. You're beautiful. You're amazing. We got Joe on the line, live. A good friend here in Austin, Texas.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He is. Yes. Okay. All right. Vinny. What's up? Hi, buddy. How are you? I'm good. How are you? You remind me of something. I don't know what it is. It's not human. It's not human? It's not human. Wonderful. It's like something. Maybe it's like a pug. In the jungle. In the jungle.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Interesting. It was something to think about. Yeah. That's your catchphrase.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Something to think about. What do you think happened there at the end, that joke that you forgot?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And you do maintenance. Will you ever get a crazy maintenance call? What's the worst thing you ever had to do? You ever have to plunge a toilet or something?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You're Italian, right? I'm Italian, yeah. So you're a very clean guy. I'm a neat freak. You have like black leather furniture I'm picturing, right?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Very good, Red Band. There you go. So Vinnie Rauchy. You have a girl? I do not. No. You're single.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You've been on this show before? I have. Wow. Who would think I would remember a fucking face like that? That was Jeffrey Ross. You'd think I'd remember a neck like that. What is that? I don't have a neck. What do you mean?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's incredible. You never could have played football because the helmet would have scraped up against your shoulder pads. It's unbelievable, Vinny. So, 28, you lost your virginity. How did that happen? How's that possible? Hooker in Amsterdam. Okay, yeah, but how did you not have sex before that? Did something happen to you when you were a kid, Vinny?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's right. And how about lately? When's the last time you had sex with a hooker at 28? How old are you now, Benny?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
yeah i used to watch uh porn and ufc at the same time but i just watched this is the point you need to get into guys on top of each other because i would just watch the ufc and ejaculate i wouldn't need the porn on at all yeah okay didn't get the laugh that i thought it would seemed more like a confession than a joke and uh let's just keep rolling with the show um All right. I guess I'm a gay .
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, I mean, in 96... I love that it's 10 or 12. No chance that it's 11. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Wow. Yeah. And then you get her back to your place? I went back to her place. Okay. Yep. And what was that like? Did you see the cat? I did. Did it look sick? No. It looked fine. No, it didn't. It looked fine to you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Red band. Getting verbal. Verbal red band, everybody. Okay. Vinnie Rouchie. Taking a girl to the black couchie. Yes, sir. Okay. Bro, your arms look long as fuck, dude. My arms? Oh, that is a thing.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, what are we going to do, affect your pussy game? Help a brother out. Stop making fun of him. If you want compliments, go to Amsterdam and pay for them. Yeah. 50 guilders. Vinny, thank you so much for coming back. Did you get a little joke book last time? I got a little one last time. Okay, well then there you go. You already got one. Thank you, guys. Vinny Rauchi, everybody. How fun.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right, this is it. You know what time it is, everybody. There's only one way to end an episode like this, with the icon, ladies and gentlemen. Some people call him God's gift to the universe. God himself said that. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, the one and only William Montgomery.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Okay. Nobody laughed. They're just like, okay, yeah, what's next? Tony, are you gonna ask Ari a question or something? Like, we know. We know, Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I've never in my life seen Red Band look up a joke in real time on his phone. He's like, what the fuck, Harriet the Spy? But that's the girl that died this week.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We had a 38-year-old up here earlier. If he's still alive, she's, well, no, she's dead. So, William, very fun. What was that last thing that you trickled out there on at the end? What was that about?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Announcing this week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun. I'm doing stand-up on July 11th. Edmonton, Canada.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Rollerblading video. Okay, now that I know that. He had a video of him rollerblading.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So what does that sound like? The audio book of him rollerblading?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'll go with you guys if you don't mind. You know how to rollerblade? I love rollerblading. Are you serious? Yeah, dude. You have rollerblades? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't know if he... I think he has rollerblading and donut eating confused. When's the last time you went rollerblading?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, it's true. I love it. So Ari, how has the road been? What else is going on in your world?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's how I tell Janice. Yeah. Killed bad knees over here. Okay. Um... William, what's been going on this week?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. No, it was really nice. I had a very nice time. Okay, I love it. And the shows went good? Everything's smooth?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
They are a loud people. They are aggressive. Loud, yeah. I was in Atlantic City, an hour away from Philly, and they're doing the fucking, they're spelling out eagles better than their own mayor does. Right there.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, you're addicted to rowing. You have been addicted to many things. Would you like to list off some of the things that you've been addicted to to this audience? Fuck. I mean, obviously, puzzles.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's a family reunion here. A lot of fun energies here. Would you like to list off some more things that you were addicted to before we let you out of here?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, we would love that. Oh, we would love that. We would sponsor that here at Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, you know, I think the real way to do it is with no boats around you. I think the real way to do it. Or just me go out there into the Atlantic? Fearless, yeah. Yeah. What? What did you say? No. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But the rowing, it's every day and there's no end in sight, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
William Montgomery has done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. For the love of God, you have no excuse. You absolutely must. Every single goddamn one of you, this is an order. You go to Netflix and watch Life right now and you enjoy the fuck out of it. Andrew Schultz, the great and powerful. How loud can this place get for Andrew Schultz? Another homework assignment.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
April 16th, you go to YouTube. Don't tell comedy. And you fucking... support the great Derek Poston, everybody. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. How about one more time? Vroom, vroom, Jetski Johnson. She's on tour, jetskijohnson.com. Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle, all these amazing places and much, much more. No doubt about it.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How about one more time for the great return of Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Lesser Known Characters and Dogs of Browntown are two of his podcasts. He has a huge show. Him and Jetski have a huge show at the Comedy Store March 19th called Offbeat. And they play music and they fucking are hilarious, obviously. Thank you to Nicked and YKD. Those are nicotine pouches.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. Actually, check this out. This is a view, guys. Ryan draws while he's in Los Angeles. Let's check in with the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. What has he got? Ari Matty. Ari Matty on overdosing on testosterone. Absolutely incredible. It's the incredible Ari. It's Ari Leno, everybody.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Grooveline Horns. How about one more time? Michael Gonzalez watching from somewhere.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
He's going to play us out. Thank you, everybody. God bless Kill Tony Red Band. Check out SunsetStripATX.com. Love you guys. London has been announced. The O2 Arena. Whatever you do. Maybe there shouldn't even be tickets available. I can't believe. And by the way, we're going nowhere else. People have been asking, are you going to Ireland? Are you going to Germany when you're in Europe? Fuck no.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
One night, the O2 Arena. If you live in Europe, you go to the fucking O2 Arena and see us. We're not coming to Germany. We're not going to Paris. You fly to London. This is your chance. All right. Everybody have a good time tonight? Schultzy, anything else? Thank you, bro. This was amazing. We love you so much. Love you. We love you. God bless America. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Meanwhile, there's some guy down the block watching you lurking at the place like, oh, that's definitely a gay sauna.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That is funny. Just a lot of guys with newspapers around them. It's like the meme with the guy peeking from behind the trees.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Why do you think Ukraine is the porn place? It is. But why? I'm not disagreeing with you at all.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Ari Matty, thank you for joining us on the back end. Thank you so much. The drawing from Ryan Sheebelt is in at James McCann, and it's lovely. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa, Heidi with a gun.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay, and yeah, I got a lot of tickets up for sale. I'm on tour going to Anaheim and Salt Lake City and Detroit and a bunch of other crazy places coming up, doing stand-up, bringing my friends with me. We're going to have a lot of fun out there. And thank you to this audience who is legendary. You guys were at the most bucket pools ever in an episode, I do believe. Pretty positive of that.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And congratulations to us all. I love you. God bless America. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, thank you. That's my time. Wow, Kojak. Kareem's, everyone. Welcome. Black, gay, and bad at comedy, I have written down here. That's incredible. You got everything against you. Kojak, you were very excited to promote the birds, the Philadelphia Eagles. Are you from Philly? Go birds, that's right.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So what's it like being from Philly and basically being Meek Mill without the rap skills? It just means you're black and gay again. I'm just reminding everybody that you're black and gay. You brought it up. Here we go. Do you get any good antiquing lately? No, I might fly back to Philly for the parade, though. You're going to go back for the parade? Yeah, maybe post up in the Target.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'd imagine you fly around. Oh, you go ahead. Go ahead. You must have something up your sleeve. One big punchline coming up. What is it? Go ahead. Do you fly a lot to different parades? Yes. See, it's fun when the comedy's, anyway. What do you do for work, Kojak? I'm a waiter. Oh yeah, what are you, where are you waiting at? A fancy steakhouse here in the city. Okay, very good, absolutely.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? Thanks so much for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed, one more time for the best damn band in the land. That's the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Brought to you by Vaya and Blue Chew. That is indeed Grooveline Horns, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We have a lot of gay guys that get pulled out of this bucket, but very rarely do we have gay guys that are in a relationship. Most of you guys just stay single and butt fuck everything that moves. It's so interesting. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Five years. Five years. What do you think the secret is to your wild success of having a long-term gay relationship?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, wow, yeah, you guys put the gay in games. Wow, so you guys just play video games and fuck.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's Red Band. Red Band is figuring out his new lifestyle. Get a discount at the steak place also? I mean... This is the life.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Lesbians are straight into a relationship. Gay guys, very, very rarely. Where would you meet them at?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But where in Philly? Like, what were you guys doing?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow, you're willing to spend half of your total net worth in order to have your ass filled with a dick. That is just unbelievable. I got to tell you. As much as we joke about me being gay, I simply cannot relate to that type of mentality. Half of your entire money, just to fucking, it seems painful.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Look at that. Those are the numbers. What do you think? Our senior Scottish correspondent, James McCann, is here.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's mostly black. He's like Travis Scottish. Alright, well... Kojak, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, no, we know why you got kicked out of Bible college. How exactly did they catch you? You drag your teeth? All right. There's Red Band, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Unbelievable. Get him out of here. There he goes, everybody. Kojak Creams, everyone. Yeah. Here you go, buddy. Let's see if you catch like a... There it is. He's a black guy. Good evening. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know, therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most insurance providers. Most insured members have a $0 copay.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Red band. That's right, Tony. I love Talkspace. I think they're providing some of the best mental health treatment out there. There's no doubt about it. Talkspace therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and many employers. Most insured members have a $0 copay.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider who will fit your needs well, typically within 48 hours. You can always switch. providers at no extra cost. Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can make your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That is Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. They came here all the way from the Gulf of America to be here, that fucking side of the stage. How exciting. Officially changed on Google just an hour ago, everyone. I'm here to proudly announce that that bay is now the Gulf of America. That's Bant Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and Dee Madness on the bass guitar.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You can even talk it out between sessions by sending text, video, or audio messages to your therapist. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80 to match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony, promo code Space80. Hi, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like all birds are skins, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand, and brilliant marketing. But an often overlooked secret is actually the business behind the business, making selling simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. Red band.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, that's true. That's right. Red band. And? not so secret secret shop pay which boosts conversions up to 50 meaning way less carts are going abandoned and more sales are going so if you're into growing your business your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between because businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jenna Sparrow, everybody, or Jenna Sparrow, perhaps. Here's Jenna, everyone. Make some noise for Jenna, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I cannot wait to listen to this podcast. I'm going to get one of the deepest sleeps that I've had in such a long time. I'm so excited to hear you guys talk about art on walls.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, okay. Well, it's a shame your set wasn't. If it's as funny as your 60 seconds, oh, boy. Rem sleep is amongst us. Jenna, how long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
How about one more time for the real Marcus King that was just up here, huh? One of the best musicians in the world here in the live music capital of the world, the live comedy capital of the world. And we will be right back. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? All right.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
God, anybody can do anything nowadays. It is absolutely incredible. I love it. What do you do for fun, Jenna?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This is fun. What did you do to where you needed to get sobriety? How did you know that you had hit bottom?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Mine was a Lynchburg lemonade made by Jack Daniels. It was pre-bottled alcohol. And my older brothers let me have one when we were frisbee golfing in Columbus, Ohio. I think I was 13 or 14, maybe 12. And yeah, I liked the way that it made me feel.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, I don't know. Girly drinks are how the party starts. Red Band, what was yours? A bowl of mashed potatoes? Old Milwaukee. Old Milwaukee. Wow. In Chile.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
But I think it's good. You know? How about towards the end? Did you get into anything crazy? Did you do drugs or anything?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
D Madness loves a good DUI. They pull him over every time he tries to drive. 100%, sir, you're swerving all over.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Disgusting. It's just a bad person. Jenna, tell us more about your life. What else would we find interesting about you?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Right, yeah, great. What a great animal to have, something you can take outside and scare everybody to death with.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Has your cat been crawling up on Martin Phillips' porch at all? Do we know about this? Do you have a tracker on it? Your cat might be sleeping at a tremendously weak-gripped man's porch. Anyway.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, Jenna, congratulations. You made your Kill Tony debut. Thank you. I'm gonna throw you a little joke book. Oh. It was so close. I don't know where it went. So close.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I mean... I mean, it's a small target, but yes. There she goes. Jenna Sparrow, everybody. Making her Kill Tony debut. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Poe. Mike Poe. Here he is, Mike Poe, everybody. Make some noise for Mike, everyone.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy shit. Oh, my God. You made Jenna Sparrow look like a fucking Richard Pryor up here. Good Lord almighty. Just talked about nothing, but you looked hip. You're like an old guy that seems hip. Thanks, man. No comedy. You're basically Marc Maron. It's incredible.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You just kind of dress like you're younger, you look kind of cool, and then the words coming out of your mouth are just boring and nothing and complainy and I do this, I do this for a hobby.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Sometimes there's three, sometimes there's two. A night like this, it's a one-guest show. And the reason why is because this guy is truly one of the frontrunners already for 2025 Guest of the Year. He is one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. He's brand new. debut one-hour special is out right now. It's called Hey America, and you can find it on Matt and Shane's secret podcast YouTube.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the funniest human beings in the world, James McCann, everyone. Here he is. Fresh off of being the guest in an arena on New Year's Eve here at the H-E-B Center.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Why would we address that? Because it was during a commercial break, James. You could have said anything just now and it would have been better than, can we ignore it?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner on the show. She's only been on it a couple times here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Aya, everybody. Aya is here.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, aka Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are at TonyHinchcliffe.com right now.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Absolutely unbelievable. Aya has done it again. One of the funniest jokes of the night so far. Making fun of your own dear sister.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, and there was a whole vaginal hole on the other end. Yes, there was. It was just kind of sealed off.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We all love antiquing. When you're a millionaire, you're going to be into antiquing too, James. It's fun to buy old baller-ass shit in the middle of Texas.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yep. Yep, there wasn't a vagina locked up there, and it was a human being.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, absolutely. Aya, naturally funny, ridiculously likable. How's life going, Aya? Tell us about it.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow, that is just an absolute Muslim party if I've ever heard it before.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okra pizza. And then how else do you celebrate a birthday? You Muslims, do you have, like, instead of candles, do you have, like, little World Trade Centers you put on the cake and you light on fire or something like that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Like who? Name a race that comes from a different bloodline. Okay. Um...
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Like, you're just, like, one of the people... So, wait, I'm just a fucking peasant over here?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow. That is unbelievable. I just learned so much about... That's crazy.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Antique Roadshow with Tony Hinge. Antique Roadshow. That's it. He owns like eight thrones. All right, James. It's three. It's three thrones. Hey, America, out now on YouTube.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That makes sense. All right, Aya, an unbelievable new minute. We fucking loved it. Aya, one of the young rising legends of the show. And now back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, because your next bucket pool goes by the name of Gary Gia, everyone, or Gary Gia, perhaps.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Wow. Holy shit. We have some real fucking unbelievable bucket pools here tonight. Gary, how's it going, Gary?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah. So that he can buy a fucking throne. You futon in a coffee table having son of a bitch. This guy watches TV on a fucking MacBook.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So you did it seven or eight years ago. And how long did you do it before that big bombing?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And then you bombed so hard that you took a few years off. What happened during that bombing? How bad could it have been compared to what the fuck we just saw?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, Gary. Relax, Gary. D Madness is pissed right now. He is homophobic as hell. So, Gary, let's talk about it. What do you do for a living?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, Gary. So you're a restaurateur. So do you own a restaurant?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. But when you have done good, what's the best you've ever done at poker?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Right. Overall, in your Texas Hold'em or poker playing life, how far up or down do you think you are?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
James is one of the greatest guests in the show's history. He is present. He is fucking hilarious. And he knows how it works. 200 people, literally 200 exactly people signed up for tonight's bucket. There are 200 motherfucking pieces of paper in here. I'm going to let the shocked Asian girl in the front row pick first. That one right there.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Up, yeah, absolutely. That includes the buy-ins for these tournaments and everything. Yeah, no, 100%.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Jesus Christ, Gary, you make me look like fucking, I don't know, someone tough. Somebody real tough and manly. Yeah, you make me look like Freddie Mercury, all right. Okay, Gary, tell us something interesting about your life. You have your entire life to reference here. Something that's happened to you? Something that maybe formed? Tell us how you ended up the way you are.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Why don't you tell one, Gary, instead of telling us that you have stories? That's like you telling us that you have jokes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Gary Gia. We got to keep it moving. Some of these people have fucking nothing to them whatsoever. You got to love it. Gary, sign up again. Best of luck next time. Jesus Christ. An alien story. Why don't you tell us about a dream you once had? Boy, you never know what you're going to get down here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It's Matt Rivas. Matt Rivas.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Matt Rivas talking about his Mexican-Jewish... Was it a cousin or a friend, would you say? Just a cousin. Cousin. Is it real? Nah, man, it's just a bit. Right. How long you been on stand-up? About three years. Three years. Where you from? Here from Austin. Born and raised?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You haven't even started yet. Absolutely incredible. Did they know that you're going to start working there?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And I take the piece of paper, I pass it along, and they go and wrangle the person. Red Band smells the paper because he loves Asian women so much. He really does. He already has one, but just like typical stuff, he's hungry for more Asians 20, 30 minutes later. That's what it's like.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Like a week, man. I got fired on my day off like two weeks ago. You got fired on your day off a couple weeks ago. What was that job?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Right. No, the Waffle House, you'd be the fucking CEO. It was just a random Austin waffle shop.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, we happen to read a Yelp review from Billy Baxter's Cafe. The food is consistently good. The breakfasts are terrific. But oh my goodness, the coffee is bad. Two stars. It's weak, gray, soapy, and unpalatable. A double shot results in brown coffee, but bitter to the point of being undrinkable. Does the machine need a good clean-out? Does the staff need lessons in temperature control?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And so while they wrangle that comedian, just to let you know they get 60 seconds, you know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger of a Sollywood bear. And then that interrupts them. I interview them and we talk to them about their life, what could possibly happen to them.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
A weird, chubby, redheaded man in a beard greeted us, which is strange because it seemed to be owned by Asian women who angrily stared at him from the front windows.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You have to admire how long it takes Red Band to type words properly. I said, Billy Baxter Cafe Yelp. I look over, he goes, there is nothing. And I look and he typed in Billy Bass. Literally just B-A-S-S. So we had a whole thing here. It's really tough. And then he spelled Baxter O-R at the end. There's a lot that goes on. It is a thankless job hosting this constantly sinking ship.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Barely. Barely. You see the eyes. So you love all kinds of rice. Is that correct? Dude.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
24? That makes sense. About to turn 25 in a few months. Yep, that's how age works. I know. You'll never believe what happens after that. Another birthday about a year later. Fuck! Yep, just a few months. All right, well, nothing else crazy about you, Matt? I'm getting a feeling that I'm close to finding something out, but I'm not asking. You ever been arrested? Me? No, I haven't. Me?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You don't get that very often here. Wait, who, me? Suspicious answer. Yeah, you're the one being interviewed.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We are here with one of the greatest guests in the show's history, the great and powerful James McCann, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, Matt. There's nothing else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What do you like to do after you get super duper high? What are some things that you do?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah. I don't know. A Spam sandwich is a delicacy in Australia. Yeah. All right, Matt, here's a little joke book. Not a lot of catches tonight. He did it, hi. Hi and bye, Matt Rivas. All right, it's an interesting, I've given out no big joke books tonight. A fun fact, zero big joke books. Only the golden ticket winners have pulled their weight tonight.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Star power tonight. Good news is we have a star of the show to start tonight's show and show you motherfuckers how it's done. Truly, undeniably, a lot of people say, including myself, that this is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. An almost 100%, 1000% kill ratio.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Shiva Ari, Shiva Ari.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, I'm gonna stop you right there, Shiva. Shiva, welcome. You've been on this show before? Yeah, twice, twice. Yes, sir. Absolutely. Welcome. That was something. How long have you been on stand-up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
How do you survive? How do you pay your rent? How do you get food? What is rent? Okay, so tell us about that.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So how much are you generating from your stand-up comedy? How much money do you make in a ballpark a week?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah. Okay, so hold on. How much rent are you paying a month for the last two months? $800 a month. I don't know if anybody's ahead of me on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're nailing it. Right. So how do you make money to pay your rent?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy fuck. How much did you save exactly? People are going to find this unbelievably fascinating. There's a lot of people out there wondering, hey, should I start? How much should I save? I live at my parents' house.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Here to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
D-Madness cracking up. Steve Madness literally verbally laughing out loud.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. Yes, it's somehow it's all right. I don't have rent anymore, Shiva. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, you own. I understand that. Okay. But I do have payments that I have to make. D Madness is literally losing his mind.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Stick with me. Sorry. So, how do you survive? Tell the truth. No, that's honestly it. What do you eat? I mooch off of- What did you eat today?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That's not, but what do you mean? Because what did you do last night? I did a show. Yeah. Okay, very good. I did a show in Dallas. All right, yes. But then what would happen to where you wouldn't wake up until 3 p.m. after the show would be the question.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Before I asked you what you did last night, you said you woke up at 3 p.m. I said, why did you wake up at 3 p.m.? So what happened last night? Other than your stand-up set, unless you listened to it afterwards.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Shiva Ari, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Shiva Ari. This is... We have... We are in a dry spell right now. We might have to go fucking turbo mode here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next minute tonight, remind you, I have the thickest stack of big joke books I think I've had in the mothership era. Not a single one has been given out. And I have one little joke book left.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This is unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen. Which is crazy, because last week it was all... except for the first one, all unbelievable. Four Secret Show editions last week, an all-star lineup. The momentum runneth, dryeth. Let's see if it starts here with the stylings of Anthony Rouen, everybody. Anthony Rouen. Let's see what happens here. Here's Anthony, everyone.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That's it. All right. Anthony Ruan, have you been on this show before? I have not, Tony. Okay, well, welcome, welcome. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Thank you, guys. There you go. Absolutely. What do you do for a living? I'm a cake decorator. Okay. There you go. Absolutely. That's amazing. How long have you been decorating cakes for?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Amazing. And you decided to both start stand-up comedy and decorating cakes at the same time. What were you doing before that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Tell us all about the cake decorating. I am so interested. It's a Walmart cake. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
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KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
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KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Exactly one minute, like the pro that he is. This is Martin Phillips. How's it going, Martin?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, you can't scare me. I have grandchildren. Where do you get something like that? A lot of hip dudes on Tonight Show. Where do you get a shirt like that? I thrifted it on Depop.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, I know all about it. I go all the way to Round Top just to antique sometimes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, I know all about it. And they're extra angry for me. When I walk in there, I go, you're all lucky to even be here. Get out of my bin.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He got more laughs than I thought it would, too. It's because the audience has only heard comedy for a total of two minutes tonight. It was Aya and Martin Phillips. Here's a little joke book. There you go. I've been given more little joke books, by the way. I've been handed little joke books.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The great bonsai is somewhere skinning a cow right now live for us to be able to have more little joke books. I have decided to pre-pull names, ladies and gentlemen. We are going into turbo bucket-pull mode. When you hear those noises...
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That means that since there have been no big joke books given out tonight, that I will be pooling and we will be watching people do minute sets until somebody truly kills Tony tonight. This is the ninth bucket pool of the night. It could end right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Wes Bullens, everybody. Wes Bullens.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Thanks guys, it's my time. And you know what that sound means. Little joke book for Wes. No interview, he's gone. Wes Bullens, we are in turbo mode. When you hear that slot arpeggio. Arpeggio? Arpeggio? Arpeggio? That sweet slot chime. We're going until someone kills. Who's with me? Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, one minute for Matthew Jordan.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy fucking shit. There's the little joke book. Thanks so much for Matthew Jordan, ladies and gentlemen. Your 10th bucket pool of the night. This is unbelievable. We are quickly approaching the record, which I do believe is 16th. The 16th bucket pool that night, a fun fact, because I remember, because I'm a big fan of this show, was Aaron Belial, who would go on to win a golden ticket.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He would go on to America's Got Talent. Andy's a ticket-selling star today, so anything can happen. This is Bucket Pool number 11. We have one little joke book left again. Make some noise for Ian Sharp. Number 11, everybody. Ian Sharp.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, we'll call it. You guys are insane. You've forgotten what... We're going through a turbo round. No interview. Ladies and gentlemen, before... I just pulled another one. So before he comes up, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to bring someone up who specializes in following people bombing. I've waited. I didn't want to have to wake him up.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I didn't want to have to bring him out of his fucking cage. But ladies and gentlemen, here he is while we wrangle a bucket pool because it's up to a bucket pool to get us out of this mess. We will go all night. We will do all 200. This is Drew Nickens.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen. We're flying through it tonight, Drew. There he goes. Drew Nickens, everybody. We are still in turbo mode. I don't know if you guys hear those sweet slot chimes. You guys hear that? Come on, let's get some energy up in this room.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We want you to be a true judgmental crowd. We know what the fuck is going on here. Stay judgmental. Someone's gotta fucking earn it. Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented episode, this is indeed your 12th bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for a minute for Matt Rivera. Matt Rivera.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Now, your opening joke was about your strength, is that correct? The strength of your hand? I'll pick my hand there.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
All right, Matt Rivera. The biggest laugh you got there, you shook your head like that. You go, why'd you do that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, you know how you were at that bar across the street and all those people came over here? You saw people leave with a person with a headset? I did see all that. I guess it's not going great. I don't know. It's not going great. and it's still not going great. It is still, as you hear that sweet, sweet sound, it's still not going great.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I have no more little joke books to give out, but I will give you a bottle. This is a bottle of souvenir comedy mothership water. Now it might not seem like much. Now I'm going to wait on the cigarette butts. This doesn't look like the kind of guy we want to give our DNA to. Now, this might seem like nothing, but this is actually a $13 bottle of water.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Have you ever had a $13 bottle of 20.600 milliliters before? No, no, it's impossible to have that small of an amount of water worth $13. Only here, a true souvenir, courtesy of the Comedy Mothership. A $13 bottle of water. Right when you think Joe Rogan can't get any richer. Leave it to a $13 bottle of water, ladies and gentlemen. There's also... It's reusable.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, the crazy thing is that in the green room of the mothership for the past couple weeks, we don't know exactly how it got there, but there is a brand new grip strength. You would think it was Joe, but no, I was there when Joe saw it. He's like, what the fuck is that? Oh, shit. And then, yeah, he did play with it like it was his own toy. He was very excited, as excited as anyone to ever.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
John Deese has reminded me, as I'm sure that Carrie would, who... runs the joint, it is reusable. That is one of the things that they tell me when I make fun of them for having this bottle of water. They go, it's reusable. I go, who the fuck is gonna fill up? Who's drinking this rusty, second, sloppy? All right. Excellent water. Yes, it is delicious.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It is unbelievable. Do you drink water sometimes? I try to, yeah. There you go. There he goes, everybody. Matt Rivera. We are on number 13. It seems like it will never end, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Sean Stewart, number 13.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Sean Stewart, everybody. You hear that sound. We're in a turbo round, Sean, so put the mic back in the mic stand. You don't have to do an interview. You get to go right back to bed where you came from, back in your sweatpants. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been on this show multiple times. I do believe he's the door guy here. This could be the answer we've been looking for.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
In bucket poll number 14, it would be crazy if this guy doesn't do good. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Adam Luckey.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's like, yes! to see a grip strength tester machine. And I don't know, what do you think? Should we give it a little test? See what kind of fucking... You can't... You can't handle this or this or it's gonna break the shit. I love it. Retard strength on display. Here, with cerebral palsy, ladies and gentlemen, using his good hand.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Now you did good. You did good. And normally that would be good enough for a big joke book. Thanks, Tony. But I realize that it's kind of defeating the purpose, having someone that already has a big joke book up. Because we are, without a doubt, inside of... A turbo round. It's all good, brother. Anything crazy happen since the last time you were on the show? Stayed off cocaine.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, congratulations. Normally, a lot of people that open up with, give me a shebang and I'll give an A-O, are still on cocaine.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, this is what every addict does now. I don't know if you guys have any of these Kratom buddies. It's fun. Yeah, so you started with just a little bit, right?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay, and so now you're deeper, right? The addiction only grows a little bit more. How do you do it, a scoop?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Have you thought about quitting before this? Have you tried at all to quit?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
There's no way you're quitting Kratom tomorrow. I mean, I'll do my best. I can just feel it in the air. Thank you. You've tried to quit before. How long have you been on this Kratom addiction?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I know. I know. It's a crazy one. Hey, James. All right. Here we go. There he goes. Thank you. Adam Lucky, ladies and gentlemen, has multiple appearances on this show. We're going until we give away a big joke book. A true fucking bucket pool. Here we go. It could be right now. There's the lovely Heidi. Total opposite from James McCann.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Make some noise for this is indeed our 15th Bucket Pull of the Night. We are one away from the record. Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody. Luke Newcomb.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, you know what that means. Do you want a cigarette butt? Do you want one of Red Band's cigarette butts? Yeah. There you go. Man. All right, there he goes. Luke Newcomb, everybody. We're in the turbo round, Luke. I don't know if you hear that noise. Keep the volume up. Jesus Christ.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Sorry, June 2013, what is that? 12 years? I don't know. We've been doing this show a long time. This will be... This will tie the all-time amount of bucketfuls. This should be your final bucketful of the night. Make some noise for Bruce DeTore, ladies and gentlemen. A minute for Bruce.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It's a tough predicament. It is a tough predicament. Bucket pool number 16 coming out with that head. I mean, you are so funny looking. It's almost not fair the amount of laughter that you get looking the way that you do. You are a funny looking guy and you're aware of it. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I love it. I love it. So you're a real guy, huh, Bruce?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I love it. My goodness, and I see the extra skin. It's there on your neck. It's there, too. What's the most you ever weighed? About 250. About 250. How'd you lose the weight? What is your secret?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. Is that what all they give you? Is that what you're allotted? Pretty much, yeah. Okay. So your trust fund, you get like a monthly thing. They didn't want to give it to you all at once.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, try the other one. Give me another drum roll. Big mic on the drums. Whoa, whoa.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And the trust fund was from your parents? Yeah, pretty much. Okay, and your father passed away?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Tell us more about your life, Bruce. You seem like a guy that's been divorced a lot.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Such an interesting predicament. Yeah. What are your secrets to making a woman cum? Teach me, Bruce.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? All right. This is officially a record-setting episode. Bruce DeTore goes on to the next one. You know what we're gonna do while we go wrangle that person?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'm gonna bring to the stage, just to show you that it is possible to kill, I'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, who would normally close the show, just to show you that comedy can be done. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars ever, here with a brand new minute.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I don't know how you clear it. Here, hit the start button. Okay, this is retard string. Hit the start button. What are you doing? Calculus over there? Hit the start button. This fucking guy's using it like it's a goddamn calculator. Okay, we can start over. Just like a Jewish guy on tax day over here. What do we got?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This young man, I promise you, will one day be a citizen of the United States of America. One of the shining stars of the Kill Tony universe.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Three minutes of brand new material. After doing tens and tens of minutes before on this show's history. Take note. 16 bucket pools we've been through. Nobody had one minute like any minute of your three minutes. And you've done this
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, yeah, no, I know that. I'm just saying, this is a wild episode. Have you been keeping track? I'm sure you've been back there waiting for a while.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Dude! Ari, why don't you put the mic in the mic stand? Why don't you sit in next to James and join us? Let's get through the rest of it together. Let's just see what happens here. You want a drink? What do you want to drink, Ari? Order a drink. We might be here a while. What do you want to drink, Ari? What do you want to drink? Whiskey and soda water. Can I get the whiskey and soda water?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Dude, dude. We're having fun here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially a record. Your 17th bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Zach Myers, everybody.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And that means your minute is up. The cat is gone and the slot chime is in because we are in turbo mode. There was one point in the middle of your set where you said, thank you. Did you remember that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
They were laughing because of the way that Ari Maddy was laughing. At the overall thing. There was a part where James laughed because you did a cancer... What do they call that?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
There's good news. The show is never going to end. Give it up for Zack Myers as it continues. He looks like a vampire, no? We are in deep, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Zack Myers back to... He's gonna live a thousand years. Back to the movie Twilight he goes. Did we get that... Did that bucket pull come back yet? You need another name? Oh, boy. Red Band wants to get out of here so badly.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The noises that he's making. Thank God he's not in control of the show. Am I right? Just hand it off. There you go. We're having fun here. Let's kill some time. Hold on a second here. Hold on a second. Ari, Matty, have you been on the road lately? What have you been doing? Yeah, I went to Denver this weekend. Oh, yeah, Comedy Works, downtown. Wonderful club.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. What do we got, Martin? You only have to squeeze it once. It's 50, 44. Wow. Unbelievable. Grip strength. James, are you going to show us what you got over here?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Literally, I say the best built comedy club in the world. Did you feel that way?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Fight. People are leaving, huh? Because they think the show's over or something?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Someone should make an announcement there at the bar that the show is continuing until somebody does good. Here, I'll give you two, because let's face it, we're probably going to go through them. And if the first one does better before the second one, then we'll put the second one up next week or something. We're going to stay here all fucking night. Yes!
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
For those of you getting thirsty out there, let me remind you that this is a reusable bottle of water. It is $13. Shocking. Shocking. But it's reusable. So, you know, something to keep in mind. Plus, it has a mothership logo on it. I mean, look at that. What's not to love about a hook? Hey, lady, you want to do the Secret Show Thursday? Wow, a woman from the audience. You do? Did you sign up?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Do you do comedy? Oh, it's a shame. I'll bet you're funnier than everybody without being prepared. Do you think you have a minute? Do you think you have... Oh, who here has a minute, huh? Do you think you have 20 seconds? Should we get somebody who looks funny? Did you sign up, sir? You did? What's your name? All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Brandon Farris.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
This guy literally just said, I can do it. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? We will be here all night until somebody who hasn't been on this show before does good. This is the Kill Tony debut of Brandon Farris.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Get out of here. Get out of here, Brandon. Put the mic back in the mic. Okay, Brandon. You said it's on. Put the mic back where you found it. Jesus fucking Christ. Get out of here. Now get back to your fucking seat.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Jesus fucking Christ. This is unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. I do believe this is fucking number 20 or something. I don't know what's going on here. Make some noise. Oh, we know this guy. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Dubs General, ladies and gentlemen. Bucket pool number 20, Dubs General. I can already tell you. We have another one coming.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It's tough. Look at that, 111. It's from antiquing, you f***er. I did it. I did it. Dang.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We are in it. Make some noise for Eric Bell, everybody. This could be the one. Eric Bell.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What do you mean you're black, Martin? I'm just saying, I have the similar grip to a black person. And you both do crip walk sometimes. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this, the halftime show? Look at this fucking guy. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
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KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
As you can tell by the sound of his voice, he's also now in charge of the health of the United States of America.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
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KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's very excited to drink and complain about his night tonight. That's all he has to do, right? It's my fault, guys. I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Is there anybody else inside that signed up? What are they pointing at? You did? You did? What's your name? Jeff Scott? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeff Scott. This could be the one, everybody. Do you believe in miracles? All right.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Martin, you got tonight's show started. You are a fucking legend. Everybody loves you. He's absolutely killing it. Thank you, guys. The one and only Martin Phillips. And now it begins. To the bucket we go. We're going to meet someone all together at once. And that's the show. You know, we find, we found Martin out of the bucket. We found William out of the bucket. Oh, my goodness.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'd like to give a special shout out to a special guest that's here tonight who told me 18 years ago when I said that I wanted to start standup that I'm gonna go to a local open mic in Burbank and start. And he told me, start at the Comedy Store. He's visiting tonight. First time I've seen him in Austin. First time I've seen him in years.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We're in a turbo round right now, Marvin. We're going to keep it moving. There you go. Yum! He's got a catchphrase, everybody. It is yum. A little fun fact, Jeff Scott was pulled out of the bucket just now. So Destiny is right on cue. Ladies and gentlemen, we have... Are you guys still alive? Hell yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Cesar Leone, everybody. Cesar Leone.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Such beauty that James just missed his mouth with his beard. It had nothing to do with Heidi coming out. Yes, it did. You just poured a beer on your own chest, you cremazoid.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Cesar Leone, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes, Cesar Leone. There he goes. We're on a turbo round. No interview for you, Cesar. This is fucking crazy. This is an absolute mathematical fucking anomaly. We don't go through this many bad bucket pools in a month. Not to mention an episode. This is absolutely crazy. Ari, what's the report coming in?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, it's unbelievable. Is there perhaps a band member that has a minute? Any of the horn players got anything? You got something? No, these fucking guys. Deep Madness is wasted right now. There's no way. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Back to the bucket. This is the show you wanted to go to. Trust me, I wanted to be done an hour ago. Make some noise for Matt Puchitsky. Matt Puchitsky.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Holy shit. A standing ovation. for what some people would call, on a scale from 1 to 10, about a 7.2. But here, goddammit, we needed it. You'll never understand what happened before you on a night like this. Mario... I'm just happy to be here, guys.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What's the name? You're spilling beer because his grip is so weak. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket full of the night. A brand new minute. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Kojak Kareemz, everybody. Kojak Kareemz. Here comes Kojak.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's taking the ball and running with it. Best set, best interview. Thank you. What type of porn do you edit? Giantess porn.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Mario. What else? What else is crazy about your life that we should know about before I let you go?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay. Okay. Here you go, buddy. Congratulations, you got us out of here.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
We're done. Mario Zabata ended it. Kind of just okay, but good enough. The drawing from Ryan G. Belt is in. How about a hand for James McCann? Did the band leave? This is incredible. James McCann. Guys, play some fucking music. What the hell's going on? Jesus fucking Christ. Check out his new special, Hey America. It's on YouTube at Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Uh-oh. Someone's about to vote for Trish Smart for president, everybody. Okay.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I had a Black Friday sale. Okay, Red Band, let's get back to the soundboard. Red Band, everybody. All right, Trish.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, all right. Thank you. Look what happens when you talk.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, all right. I'm sure the internet's dying right now. The black barber. Let's find out after all. Why does it look like he has a black barber?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
He looks fucking disgusting. What are you talking about, Trish?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
He's gray. He has no voice. You're disgusting. Stop trying to talk. You're not in shape for podcasting tonight. Literally, there's all these buttons. Here, hit one. Turn up your fucking volume and hit a fucking button. There you go. Hit anything. Try it. Hey, all right. There you go. Okay. Stick to that. Put the mic down. Trish.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Tell us what's been going on with your life since the last time we saw you.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Hopefully he gets shot in the head by the end of the episode. How about a hand for Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is indeed the one and only live in the flesh, the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar. This is the number one live podcast in the world, soon to be an Emmy-nominated television show.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
he didn't let me just update you please there's no way and i haven't talked with adam about this he was being a nice guy giving you a hotel room yeah there's no way he thought it was funny well i mean there's a zero percent i'm sure he laughed at you because he's like being nice but like no i paid for it well i bet you fucking did i mean that would be crazy what made you invite a homeless man with a dog into the hotel room that adam ray was nice enough to pay for
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. I'd love to hear his version of this story where he's like, hey, this homeless chick let me stay in her hotel room.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Trish, please stop trying to... thaw the panel tonight it's not your roasting skills are are very very very very they're like complimentary would you like me to compliment you okay yes i'm gay good one trish let's just move forward i was gonna say trish how does it feel to be the reference photo for john waters plastic surgeon oh god jesus fucking christ trish
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yes, literally fucking nobody in a room of 300 fucking people. Nobody. Eight years of experience. I tell you to stop roasting the panel. You're like, how about one more? How about this reference from 1960-something? You fucking gagoots. Trish, God, this bucket. I mean, Jesus Christ. I can already tell how fucking tonight's going to go.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
So, Trish, anything else about your life that we should know about?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Trish, shut the fuck up. La Mer, when did you have a dead girlfriend?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, so you were in PA, and you had a girlfriend, and then how did she die?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Unless you're a black lady. And then what happened? So she just kind of got sick that day?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
She laid around with pancreatitis for two weeks, or did she go to the hospital?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't understand how the Netflix has anything to do with your friend overdosing on ketamine.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I haven't done it. Yeah, that seems like two ways to... Doing meth and fucking are two ways to burn calories, which seems like one of your least favorite things to do. Anyway, Trish, sorry about your friend. It seems to be weighing heavy on you with your terrible roast jokes. I'm sure your friend is looking up at you right now while burning in hell. Roasting in hell.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Brought to you by Blue Nile Talkspace, Voodoo Ranger, and ZipRecruiter. How exciting is this? And before we get started, here's a little bit more from all the other amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here, right now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what? All right. Every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, and roasting better than you. So there she goes, Trish Smarter. She's got a good sense of humor. Relax, people. She's been doing it eight years. She's smiling. Oh, Tony's so mean to the girl whose friend died. Fuck you. Fuck you. She said I look like a John Waters thing or something. Jesus Christ. How about one more roast joke? You look like John Waters something.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It sounds so easy. So save time hiring for 2025 with new Zip Intro. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony right now to try Zip Intro for free. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony Zip Intro. Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. As you see, anything can happen. This person's mother could have died today.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Her body could still be warm. Okay, make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, that's me. All right, Marvin Izzy. You were on very recently. Am I correct, Marvin?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow. And I do want to answer one question. We just got to see what the last girl's going to say next time she's on. Isn't that exciting?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Wait, hold on a second. I always find it so interesting when a culture tries to make themselves a victim. No, we're the ones of the indigenous. I want to know more about exactly what you mean. No, we're the indigenous. Hold on, let me check in with Luis Jacob.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. is that the original shankers where the uh stop fucking raping me dude i'll rape you hey dude i think we're just fucking now bro dude you rate me i rape you we're fucking bro dude i'm gonna get that shit that dude on my fucking unathletic arm dude
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You see this, see? No. Okay. Let me see that tattoo again. So Taino, that means like original Puerto Ricans. First of all, let's talk about the health of your arm. Exactly what the fuck do you do? Play video games? Like what is it? What do you not do?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Right. You're unbelievably unhealthy. Have you ever thought about like lifting something?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
So Puerto Rican to try to get in the welterweight division. Hey, I have to make weight before I can start lifting, dude, so that I can fucking rape some dudes, dude. LaMare. I bet he has abs. Let's see. I bet you have abs. Compared to you, he has abs, LaMare. All right, here we go. Oh, fucking disgusting, ladies and gentlemen, absolutely. His stomach looks like your face. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. Well, you're still in it right now, so be careful, because there's nothing weirder you can do than talk about how weird it could be right now in the interview. Whoa! There it is. Fucking dirt crasher. All right, Marvin. Tell me something crazy about your life that I didn't find out last time we were on. You've had some time to think about it?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
This week, no different. Ladies and gentlemen, two returning guests, two of my favorites. This is a mixture of chemistry of two guests. hilarious comedians that are willing to truly be themselves on this show. They're not nervous, they're fun. We're gonna have a blast.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
The people are relating down there. Yeah, they call it... You were more of a hearty essay. All right. All right. La Mer will now swallow the Incredible Hulk glove in one swallow like it's a pill. There you go. Shove it in that La Mer. All right. Marvin, you got little joke books, right? Last time, yeah. That's right. And there you go. It remains the same. Yeah. It was good. It was good.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You did the trick where you talk really, really, really, really, really, really fast. And then the fucking crowd went wild. But the tricks... You know, it's a trick. You know that. You've been doing it 14 years. Yeah. You know that that gets an applause break based on principle, not exactly because it's hilarious.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Marvin Izzy. Hey. Look at the silent crowd. Like, wait, we got tricked? Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. That's an old trick. Can I just say, though?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
My promise. May I make a suggestion? Grow a fat pair of tits. All right. Red Band books his show in a very specific way. LaMare is there every week. Good areolas, LaMare. All right. This looks like a new name, thank God. Let's meet them all together. Make some noise for RJ McKeegan, everybody. RJ McKeegan. Here he is.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I present to you one of the record holders for all time appearances as a guest on this show and one of my favorite guests who debuted this year in 2025. Make some noise for Luis J. Gomez and LaMare Lee. Oh, yeah, baby. Luis J. Gomez, the creator of Skank Fest, the Legion of Skanks, and Story Wars. Skank hands are in the air. The great and powerful LaMare Lee, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow. First, let's check in with Luis J. Gomez. I can't even look at you right now, Luis.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
That's what this show's all about. All different shapes, sizes. I pull a new name out for the first time tonight, and you come out just guns a-blazin'. Hey, Tony, I'm only gay on Monday, okay? So... What?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, well, he's actually shaped like a man, so it's more embarrassing for him. RJ, were you raised by women? Why do you sound like that? I'm from Seattle. Okay, what else? Let me ask you this. Do you see your gay brother when you look in the mirror? It's my alter ego to pick up women, Tony. Okay. RJ, oh my God. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm new.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
What do you do for work? I own a semi-trailer rental company in Omaha, Nebraska.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Why? How? What do you mean? What do you mean? If you're going to say that, you have to follow it up with the fucking thing. Okay, so I was watching this World War II documentary the other week, and I got so happy. Yes, we all know about the blacks versus the Irish. I got so happy.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Boo Nazis, but up the ride. RJ, has somebody told you that you're funny ever or anything like that? What exactly? This is like Red Band trying to get in the NBA right now. What are you doing in this industry?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, let's stop right there. Okay. Your ex-wife may have been on to something here. Yeah. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
RJ, take this fucking little joke book. Get the fuck out of here. RJ McKeegan. here we go tony no rj no handshakes go go get the touch people there's a consolation prize luis j gomez this rules yeah i love when they're bad it's so fun yeah it is it's part of the show that's i i we love it We fucking love it. Look at this retard trying to go in between tables to get back to his seat.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
That's not really the path to take. Hell yeah. I love it. No, you're good. I love it. Everyone's retarded tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket full. He goes by the name of Matt Sargent, everybody. Matt Sargent. We having fun tonight, huh?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Huge pro wrestling fan. Not getting the size of pop that he was expecting here. Powerful LaMare, one of my favorite goofy debut guests of 2025. Makes himself right at home. Very silly. I'm hanging out. One of the most likable characters humanly imaginable brought us to the... What?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. Matt Sargent. You have some extra stuff that doesn't even make sense. You have good jokes. I don't know why you're acknowledging how white the room. You're literally, this is a black, a Puerto Rican, black, Mexican, three Mexicans, black, super white. Why do you keep saying that? There's a gray guy. There's a fucking illegal immigrant right in front of you.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
But he's with his dad, so it's okay. He's Mexican, Mexican. Is his dad legal? Don't make jokes. There's Mexicans everywhere. There's women everywhere. There's so many women in the crowd. You said there's 14 women here. They're the hottest ladies in Austin. In between your jokes, you make stuff up and then talk about the lighting. I'm nervous, I don't know, yeah. Yeah, you don't have to be.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Look at your hair. God, I wish you told me that 15 minutes ago. How could you be nervous with fucking hair like that? That's absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I got real incel vibes when you came out and called it a sausage fest with an average amount of women in the audience.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Now you're calling out glasses because you see, what, one, two, three guys with glasses? How many do you see? What's with you and numbers? It's actually a less, I would say that the amount of glasses that I'm seeing right now is less than the average amount of glasses on humans in a normal setting. You keep doing this thing where it's like, God, is everyone wearing a plain white t-shirt tonight?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I mean, that's so crazy. Whoa, I didn't realize I was at the beard factory. Everybody's got a beard. Whoa, what is this, a redhead convention? Wacky. Nothing that you're saying in between your jokes is even true.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You should know your references before you fucking try them in front of millions of people. It's not invented. It's limitless. Let's check in with LaMere. Shut the fuck up.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Pure, clean joke. I almost forgot what it's like when those happen here. You do look like you sing. Do you know how to sing? No. Do you know how to do something other than stand-up comedy? You a talented guy?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It ends up in gooning. Gooning? Gooning. Never heard of it. I don't know what it means, so why don't you explain it? I'm sorry, okay. How many times are you gonna, you know what it means? God, why is, is everybody terrible tonight?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
What's the fucking attitude on this guy? Are you gonna let me explain it now that I said you know what it is five times? What a wretched fucking bucket we've had tonight so far. It's still just me being nervous. I don't know when to talk. Oh, I'm nervous. Maybe I'm nervous too, huh?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You ever think that maybe the pressure of doing over 700 fucking episodes that everybody watches and having to up it every single... Maybe I'm fucking nervous. Can I use that excuse, you fucking pussy? But your microphone's just gold, you know what I mean? Oh, how is he going to keep it original? How, how? With 700 episodes, it's a fucking bucket of people.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
What's he going to do to keep it fucking original? Look, there's people leaving. As we speak, there's people walking out. This isn't what I paid for. What do you think about it? You ever hear me acknowledging the pressure on me?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, Matt, take a breath. Tell us about your life. What makes you different? What's happened to you?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I thought he said booths. Yep. Boots. Boots. Boots. It was the third pick. I am with Lewis on this. I had booths and booze ahead of it. I took a chance, went with booths. Turns out it was boots. Have you ever thought about learning how to pronounce what you sell? Boots. Very good. All right. Are you good at it?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
That's right. In the audience. Luis J. Gomez is here. Truly, I do believe he may have the record now, for sure, I think.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, that's a great, great, great point, Lemaire. All right. I like boots. Sell me some boots. Here I come. I'm riding up. Oh, howdy. Whoa. Settle down, boy. Settle down. Get down. I'm going to slap that ass. Get over here, you fucking crazy horse. Howdy, buddy. Hey, you happen to know where I can find some boots around here?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, well, well, let's just say me and my horse have something in common. Relax, Buster. Anyway, since you want to argue about the size, can you sell me something? What are you, are they more expensive the bigger they are?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, my God. What are you doing, bro? Focus. Sell me fucking boots, you fucking idiot.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You know what? I decided I don't need boots. I'm gonna wear high heels for the rest of my life. There you go. There he goes. And he drops the book, ladies and gentlemen. You can't blame him. The lights are bright. He's nervous. Let the mic stand over there. Heidi, can you grab this mic stand and put it in the right place for us? This podcast is sponsored by Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. Guess what?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Holy shit. Not only does he have the record for all-time appearances on the show, he also has the record for the least watched episodes ever. I actually glanced through for the first time in forever. I glanced through our video library today, and it's amazing how few some of these episodes were watched.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, well, well. Sounds like we have another winner. That's right, Red Band. From here on out, it's mini can full throttle because Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers are the new go-to beverage to start your night with a bang! Seriously, these mini cans are fun, portable, and pack a hell of a punch. There's nothing worse than drinking a humongous beer and then feeling like you ate a loaf of bread.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And I noticed a direct correlation between you and us only getting like a couple hundred thousand views. I'm like, wait, how's a 4,200,000?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Boom. Boom. Cam Patterson, you went to a wedding, huh? Yeah, yeah, it was cool. I hate weddings.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Dumb ass bitch. Fat girls at weddings. Fat girls at weddings. It's like, it's like, I don't even know what it's like.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
but I'm not. Fat girls at weddings, they get angry because they're never really going to, you know, that's like... Yeah, nobody want that big ass bitch. Yeah. They're just always going to be watching.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
That's your fault for booking me. You're an idiot. That's it. And you know what? I have no regrets because contrary to popular belief, I clearly love Puerto Rican garbage. Here it is. Luis J. Gomez. Proof, by the way. Proof. They could have looked that up. Any of the fucking media outlets could have been like, wait, he seems to really love this guy and Kim Congdon.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't fuck a fat bitch. Oh, yeah. Camel definitely fuck a fat bitch.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Hell yeah. I mean, Lemaire, Lemaire, you are one beard shave away from Cam fucking you, perhaps. No, wait a minute. Not far off. Not far off. Hit it from behind. Grab that little ponytail of his.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You have a beard. Yeah. Okay. So Cam, what else happened? Whose wedding was this? One of your cousins? Yes, I was the next guest.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
What? Well... Where's your sound effect? Give me your... That was good. Give me your sound effect. Where is it at? You know where it is. There it is. Turn it up. Red band with barely a voice tonight. The allergies are affecting him. Does that stop him? Does he complain about the bright lights? Does he acknowledge the people in the room? No. He plants his feet and he says the racist joke.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Let's talk about it. Have you noticed a smoke detector going off in your apartment? What? Do you hear that? You don't hear anything, do you? What you talking about? Do you hear anything? That was a piano. That was a piano right there. No, it wasn't. Do you hear anything? Cam, no, you got to hear it. Wait, do it again, do it again. No, Lemaire trying to defend his entire race right now.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
No, don't look at his finger. Look out straight and see if you hear anything. Did you hear something? What do you think that is? A cricket. A cricket. He thinks there's a cricket outside. No, don't. That wouldn't be. All right. What is that other noise? Is that you? Okay, guys. Bam. So hold on. Why do you think it is that black men don't notice smoke detector alarms when they need to be replaced?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
This is a mission that I'm trying to find out on this episode. We're trying to solve the world's problems. Why do you think you heard a cricket and everyone else hears a smoke detector alarm going off?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, can you repeat that? Can you repeat that one more time?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And there you have it. Kill Tony, solving the world's issues. Absolutely incredible. So your cousin got married. Now, normally at weddings, people get a little horny. They get a little worked up. They get some drinks in them, right? Open bar. Was there an open bar? Yeah, yeah. And so what ended up happening? Did you notice people sneaking away?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Truly, like, I mean, just... Two of the most garbage-iest Puerto Ricans on the planet. Yes. And meanwhile, they called me racist. And here I am propping you up while you cost me millions of views every time I have you on an episode. You guys know how it works, clearly. All-time appearances. But I'm going to remind everybody here anyway.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Your auntie is older? Like, ballpark of us in age. Yeah, like 49. Oh, shit, yeah.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. That is a great point. You guys too, dude. That's true.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It's also that way with Italian white trash. I can confirm my mom and my oldest sister were pregnant at the same time. I am an uncle to a niece that I'm two months older than. This is reality.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Dirty, slobby, fat bitch. Yeah. And they're loud too, am I right? Wait, Tony? Okie dokie. The crowd didn't laugh or groan. They kind of just agreed. Yeah, they are loud. Like, okay, it's a comedy show, please. Just turned into a rally for half a second. Cam, I love you. You are the man. You went to a wedding, and here you are talking about it.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
We're following his life in real time, the places he goes, the things he does. You're watching a comedian's process here. Every week, he fucking does it. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
to your favorite hotels and airlines, a future rent payment, your next Lyft ride, and more. Red band.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
About 300 human beings, innocent souls, people that could, I mean, anything can fucking happen here. And they signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Ah! That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
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KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And tonight we are going to meet Matt Rivas. Make some noise for Matt Rivas, everyone.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I'm going to have this gas station attendant fucking pull the first one. You don't have to say it out loud, sir, but Jesus. Now we go wrangle that person from next door, and while we do that, while we get our first bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage one of the finest characters in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Matt Rivas doing jokes. I like it. Orange chicken. Good one. Fuck yeah. All right. Sideways 5 from La Mer to get things started. Hi, LaMare, you want to say something? We're kind of bros. Oh, you know each other. Yeah, right, we're kind of bros, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, how do you guys know each other?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
He get that shit right. It is wild how Asian you look. You have absolutely Asian eyes and no Asian in you whatsoever.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, that's the eyes. It's the eyes, yeah. Yeah, the 2% is your eyes. And the hat. John Dees points out that is how Japanese people wear hats. Normally when rolling dice in the squatting position. Yes, exactly. You know exactly what I'm talking about. What do you do for work, Matt?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Now that you've grown up, how do you smoke? Papers, man. Rolling, regular white rolling papers? Regular old white rolling papers. Oh, there's a fan of regular joints there.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
There's a lot of bucket pools that we're struggling tonight. It is a real thing. There was a guy that said that Hookum Horne's gay brother, he was terrible. Remember that? You guys remember what we've been through? Yeah. guy that said, there's 14 women in here.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Like, you could count really fast and see in the dark somehow he knew what everybody looked like and the glasses they were wearing, but also it's overwhelmingly bright. I can't see, but I know what's going on out there. And then there's you. You've been doing jokes. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. You go hard, though, right? You do this a lot at nighttime.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, a lot. Do you do that orange chicken joke differently sometimes? Do you try a different delivery system?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It's a really, really good joke. I just, I'm not positive that I think there's, I would, yeah.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, exactly. What else have you been talking about on stage lately? What are some like premises and stuff?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It just, everybody loves talking about trans women. It is very, very compelling subject nature.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
To get us started tonight, this is America's favorite uncle. This is a guy out on the Killers of Kill Tony tour, absolutely crushing it. An old soul, but a young spirit. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from David Jolly.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. All right. Yeah, he does. There you go. Matt, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours or whatever?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I just do the comp. When's the last time you played a game of baseball? Bro, like eight years ago. Like, do you ever go out? Do you go out in the city? Do you do anything?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Is that true? No, I'm just kidding. Right, yeah, that doesn't make any sense. No, that's horrible. But seriously, like, when you're at a bar talking to chicks, like, what would you say? Would you be like, hello?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, I'm going to come up on my... Fuck. Hold on. I'm coming up to the bar. Here I come. Hold on a second. Here I come. Here I come. Here I come. Hold on. Okay, here we go. Oh, Lord. These size 14s are hurting today. Can't wait to get myself a nice, sour spirulina and fucking chill out. Oh, howdy, boy.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You know what? I am. Oh, yeah. I don't know how you guessed that. Oh, wow. Who would have thought? Hey, what do you say we jump back on my horse? You like it back there? You want to ride in the front, Matt? Matt, come on. Let's switch positions. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, hell, let's go, Matt. Yeah. All right. Matt, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? I think it was that interaction.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I'm not going to lie. That was the gayest shit I've ever done. Come on. Come on. What's the gayest shit you've ever done?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I was surprised I had it in me. You're kind of a stud. What's your biggest regret in life, Matt? You have a regret? You ever wish you did something? That interaction right there. Okay, please let the fucking interview happen. Here we go. Jesus Christ. There's a part sometimes where the guests realize that they can answer the question and get a very light laugh. All right.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I've never heard that one before. Me, I'm a proud college dropout. I love the fact that I got the fuck out of that. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
thousand fifty dollars and imagine there's some victims in here working at a smoke shop some victims like i've been there working at a smoke shop that's gonna take a long time absolutely you didn't take care uh take uh advantage of that biden like where they just threw it all away dude yeah biden totally did that well my fiance just got it
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, fuck. Yeah, maybe if you just show them your eyes. Matt, you've been on this show before. What kind of joke book did you get then? I got a small one. You know what, Matt? Jessica's a fucking good interview in Orange Chicken. You're the first big joke book of the night, buddy. Congratulations. Appreciate y'all, man. Orange Chicken, Matt Rivas, ladies and gentlemen. And onward we go.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You guys having a good time out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, then you must be having a good old time. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Tim Stifler, everybody. Tim Stifler. Here comes Tim, everyone. Make some noise for Tim, everybody.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
There you go, Tim Stifler. There you go, all right. Hi, Tim. Oh, you're clapping for yourself. I like it. I've literally never seen that before. That's incredible. 700 plus episodes.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And little did I know that it was even possible. I thought I've seen it all. And then I turn around and there you are clapping. You're having a good old time. Tim, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You're opening your own comedy club? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. I love that. That's smart. Thanks. That's a great way to do it. Yeah, it's called the Sunset Strip 2. Oh, brilliant. Brilliant marketing. Brilliant marketing. I was going to say, it's a bad idea. Don't do it. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. For real. Where are you at in the process?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Did you inherit a bunch of money? How do you plan on buying a comedy company?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Speaking of ads, you were talking about being depressed and you mentioned another company, but I want to remind everyone that Talkspace is actually... The license provider is... write for your needs, typically within 48 hours. You can also switch providers at no extra cost. It makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You can even talk it up between sessions by sending messages to your therapist. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month at Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony, enter promo code SPACE80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80 to get $80 off your first month and show your sport for the show.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Tony, I love Talkspace. Yeah. Yeah, me too. It's important to remember that Talkspace is the place to go. No other company. My bad. Is your club across the street from the Sunset? No, no, no, no, no. There's another club being built across from your club? That's opening up. Wow, this is some... Are you serious? This is amazing.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're at the live comedy capital.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Let me tell you something. Let me just cut you off. Relax for a second. Let me talk. Just let me talk. A lot of people have been nervous tonight. No one has handled it better than you. Everyone's nervous. How could you not be nervous? I would be nervous for this show, and it's my show. If I got pulled out of the bucket, I'd go, oh, fuck.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
What is going on over there? Everybody's freaking out tonight. He just stopped handling it well in front of our very eyes. This is a small stage. I didn't realize it was going to be... It's always... Everything is smaller. Everything is smaller than you think. The fucking... Whoa, Jesus Christ. All right. There's literally an audience member that's like, I can do it. I can do this.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
The bucket pools have been so rough. There's people trying to be funny from the crowd, okay?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay. Stick with me over here. Jesus fucking Christ. This is crazy what's going on in here tonight.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Uh, it's time for the tape measure! Ladies and gentlemen, there is an absolute zero percent chance that he's 5'11". There is no way that he's 5'10", without the boots on. You're about to catch a man in a lie, everybody. Yoni has the tape measure. This is one of those moments. that you'll never forget for the rest of your life. Yoni, make sure that it's nice and level there at the bottom. 5'9".
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
5'9". 5'9 in the boots. We're going to call it 5'7 without the boots. And now back to the point that you are adorable. Little squeaky devil you. 5'10", 5'11 in the combat boots. Holy shit, dude. What do you think? This is your dating profile? You think you can just catfish the world with humans looking directly at you? I just... I'm fucking 6'6". What do you expect, Tony?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
What the fuck are you talking about? I... Holy shit. What's your love life like?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, wouldn't you say a quick crazy thing? Let's take a breath and tell me what you mean by that. She's probably going to watch this. That's fine. That's wasted breath and time right there. Let's talk about what happened.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, here we go. So let's take it one beat at a time here. Passionate week, meaning like she comes over to your place. We hang out every night. Every night you're having all out unprotected sex. Am I correct? Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Very good. The cat fisherman caught a dolphin. And there you are. Passionate, unprotected sex. Your bed is covered. Eye contact. Eye contact.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Who doesn't love that? Look at the ladies getting wet in their panties at that part. Who needs sex when you have straight eye contact? Unbelievable. Are you sure it wasn't a dude? You homo. No, I'm kidding. Eye contact's gay. That's gay, dude. And I would know.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. So when you say, after a week, first of all, let's talk about how you introduced relationship into this. Were you like, man, I fucking love you? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, Lewis loves bad decisions. He gets an applause break for bad decisions.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Uh... Okay, Red Band. Jesus Christ. Okay. All right. So when you say things start to get a little crazy, what do you mean? You're allowed to talk about it. It's your life. This show, everyone does a minute. And then it's a fucking interview. You're being interviewed on a podcast. No one knows what questions they're going to get. You're not under any crazy circumstance.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I'm saying this for her when she's watching. This is all, you just have to be honest at this point.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
She's like... Oh, okay, you didn't have to say that. That's crazy to say. You may have been the crazy one, and now I'm on her side. Okay. When she started getting a little crazy, or things got a little crazy, what do you mean? Give us the first thing that happened. Not the most extreme thing. We'll get there. The first where you notice, like, ah, shit.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Like, was there something you didn't like about her? Like, she has, like, a weird, like, butthole or something?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You almost stopped at butt there, and I was going to repeat that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very specific. Sometimes there's things.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I think the weirdest... The beginning of weird. The beginning of weird. Was she like, I'll cook for you, and then she, like, burnt the pancakes?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And then once it happened, it was like... She didn't take her meds to your place, did she?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And if you ever run out, remember, talk space. And if that doesn't work, try some Voodoo Ranger. And if you lose your job, go to ZipRecruiter. Okay, let's go back to the fun here. She has a panic attack. Did you guys smoke weed? Is there something that onset the panic attack?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I genuinely almost spit coffee all over the front. You can thank me later, you two. It was so close. The I told you this was going to happen is nuts. What day was it when she said, hey, just to let you know, there might be a part where I fucking go fucking crazy. By the way, that would have been the answer to the actual question.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
The answer to the actual question was at some point a couple days in, maybe even the first night, when do you think she told you the shit? I don't think she did at all. Oh, you just weren't listening. You were fucking, you were busy with that eye contact, just fucking. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. My name's Tim Stifler, dude. Look, I'm out of the advertising agency. I'm getting in the comedy club game.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Once these negotiations, more eye contact. All right. So she warned you. She says that she warned you. LaMare, what do you think about this?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You big donkey dick bitch. Put it on a T-shirt. David Jolly has arrived. David, welcome back to the show. Hey, thank you, Tony. It's always great to be here, man. Absolutely. I have some good jokes there. I have some beef with your setups. You said that the media said that a woman can't be president, but the media is the only thing that says that a woman can be president.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You're a psycho. LaMare is using this appearance on this show to try to get a woman to fall in love with him. Look, I just believe in a woman president and eye contact during sex. It rules. Look, we all love eye contact during sex, but either way, well, you can't say eye contact during sex. It just happens. You can't be like, oh, my favorite part of the sex was the eye contact.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
No, it's the wet pussy with a dick moving back and forth. God damn it, I'm sick of all this bullshit. And by wet pussy, I mean wet butthole. And he looks back at you and you say, sir, I love you. What has this show become? All right. So it's a panic attack. What type of panic attack is this? Is this she's sweating? She's laying down? She was wet.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were in the shower, and then... Well, I mean, she should be wet in the shower. Okay. Yeah, you were in the shower, and what happened?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, shit. How long did that last? And you tried taking care of her, because you're like, we're in a relationship. I was like, it's really cool.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Hold on. Let's use some of these tears. Lubricate it. Fuck at it. I'm fucking Tim Stifler. That's your actual name. It's Stifler, but... Oh, it's Stifler. It's all good. Oh, boy. Stifler, you barely knew her. Literally. You barely knew her. All right. So she says she's freaking out, and then what happens?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow. By the way, that's San Diego, everybody. San Diego.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Sorry, I'm a bad storyteller. No, you were a great storyteller. Your interview lasted 17 and a half minutes. It was fantastic. Thank you. Clap for yourself. Tim, congratulations. There's a big joke book. What's the name of the comedy club gonna be, Tim?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
She wanted out of the media, you know what I'm saying? The media, the people. I'd vote for a woman. Yeah, no shit. You're a liberal pussy, Lemaire. We've had this talk before. We've gotten into awkward talks in the green room. I told you to stop before Rogan can walk back in. It was good. I want you to work in this city, Lemaire. I'll try to save you. She's a cop, dude. All right, never mind.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Dumb Comedy Club, everybody. You can't even make it up. It's actually a pretty cool name. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Sarah Sloan. Sarah Sloan.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Sarah Sloan, welcome back to the show. You've been on before. Yes, sir. You famously have the legendary horse noise. Would you like to do it for the audience? I would love to. Yes. It's what I do. This is her bread and butter, ladies and gentlemen. We had her do it in arenas. And this is the greatest horse noise you've ever heard. Here I am riding. Hold on. Let's just play along here.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Here, it's just me coming into work on my horse. And... It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's right. People are in awe looking at each other like, did you hear that right now? It boggles people's minds. But that's basically the only thing that you're good at. We've tried to figure this out. We've heard a couple minutes. So Sarah, how's life been going?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
That's what I do. Absolutely. You wouldn't think so by the attitude of some of these fucking bucket pools earlier. I got to tell you. These people. Well, if you'd let me tell the story, Tony. A lot of that. A lot of attitude tonight. But you seem to get it, Sarah. You're a good person. Have you ever had a panic attack in the shower?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, I know she can't make eye contact, so... Why? Because she's autistic. She's autistic. Yeah. With a horse noise like that, you'd be surprised. We'd be surprised if you're not autistic. La Mer is deeply in love right now. No.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, she was a cop that locked up people that look like you, Lemaire, for having less than a gram of weed. She would lock up Louis right now for spilling a martini if she was... I was just so upset that he said he'd vote for a woman, Tony. I know. It's incredible. Ridiculous. And look, I like women. We just got to wait for the right one. And I like your premise.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Ooh. It turns out I'm in love right now. Hello, Sarah Sloan. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I've always kind of wanted to fuck Garth from Wayne's World, so this is very exciting. Party on, Wayne. I love it. What kind of guys are you into, Sarah Sloan?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Sarah, you're adorable, and you're so likable, and do the horse noise one more time. It's unbelievable. I wish I could do that. I'm almost there. With a little practice, do it one more time.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Hold on. Louis J. Gomez, give it a little shot here. Really try. All your horses have such deep voices. I'm a horse. Lemaire Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Here it is. Oh, he almost died. Whoa! Oh, my God, a little black beauty over here. Holy shit. That's incredible, LaMare. Absolutely unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
He also has to replace his shoes every week. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. So, Sarah, when's the last time you were on a date with somebody?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I like the whole fucking Caitlyn thing, everything that you got going there.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Why do you keep saying that? You're adorable. Look at Mike. Big Mike over here. Is there something you want to... Say it into the microphone, Mike.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Have you... I was kidding, I was kidding, I was kidding, I was kidding.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, yeah. Look at the color coming to her face right now. Whoa. Whoa, this is a new girl. This is a whole new person, Red Band. It's a whole new person. Look at you, you've changed.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You're speaking fags. Whoa. All right. Lewis likes any opportunity to say the word fag, and he found one there. There's going to be a lot more windows that open up before the end of the night. David, you know, I never really get to ask you about your personal life. I wonder, what... Do you, what's your living situation? Like, do you live by yourself? Yeah, I stay by myself. You stay by yourself?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Your parents are going to kill you for kissing a boy, Sarah? You need to pull a fight. If your parents are going to kill you because you got kissed by a fucking... She hated the last time I was on this show. Okay, let me tell you something. Have you ever seen the Menendez Brothers documentary? It might be time for you to fucking ex-nay on the parents' nay. You know what I mean?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Look at LaMare pretending like he didn't hear that idea. Just like, oh, just sitting along, just having fun. What's your mom's problem with you on the show and your appearances? Because it's a raunchy show?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It's like, just for those of you listening to the show, if you're wondering why we're laughing, there's a guy that sounds like he's dying of laughter in the audience right now. These are the fans of this show have an unbelievable sense of humor where someone, someone softly admitting that their parents are disappointed in them. Literally, there's a guy in the back of the room just like, ah!
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You are pure evil. So they said they're disappointed in you. But why? Did they give any specifics?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, you shouldn't have gone along with the jokes on a comedy show. They wanted you to stand there like a fucking stiff.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, you're goddamn right. Right. They're the ones in the wrong. They probably had a lot of bad things to say about me at the end of October, early November. And look at us now. Look at us now. Your parents don't have shit coming out on you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. How about that? How about that, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan? Ha ha. Sarah, what exactly do you do? What are you good at?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for the best damn band in the fucking land right there. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo on the horns. We have a leprechaun that we found on St. Patrick's Day. We kept him. He's on violin. Jay Kinney. Jake Kennedy, everybody, is his name. Wow. One of the Kennedys.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Now that I know your parents are disappointed in you for coming on this show, I wanna make your life even better. So tell me, what do you do? How can I help you? I wish I had a sound board or else I would have you here full time making horse noises. I would love to. It's not in the budget for sure. And we have a budget, but I cannot have humans waiting around.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It's at a school. How much do they pay you? Tell me the truth.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. It's a one bedroom? It's a two bedroom. Two bedroom? Who lives in the other bedroom? Nobody, just me. You got the whole place?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
That's right, seriously. Tony. It's $1,000 per week. Yeah, $1,019.23 per week.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You know what, Sarah? God damn it, Michael. We... All those horse impressions have my throat fucked up. Do you drive? You have a car. You can like do things. You can show up places and do them properly. Is there anything fucking nuts about you that we don't know?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. I'm about to piss off your parents so bad. Sarah. I don't know exactly how or what, but we are going to match your salary and have you work for us from now on. Sarah Sloan works for me now! Be proud of your daughter next time, you idiots. That's for you, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan. Now she's mine. And you know what? I'm gonna give you $100 more than your annual salary.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You have to go through a two-week trial and pass it. I have to make sure you're, like, not completely nuts, but... I promise I'm not. I need people to do things. I need, like, groceries and stuff. Can you paint? Yoni and Christy will train you. They're very, very good, cool people, and it'll be good. Oh, my gosh.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And it'll alleviate some of their pressures, since they're big, fancy television producers now.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
That's right. Well, you know what? I'm disappointed in them. You see that, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan? Congratulations. Here's a big joke book, too. Welcome to the team, Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. How fun. It's easy. Easy fun. We're having fun now. People just figured out the loophole. They figured out a loophole.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Come on the show, tell me that your parents were disappointed in you laughing along at my jokes. Two week trial. This guy, it's the same guy, just keeps pissing over and over again. Bend down, there's a fucking camera, you idiot. Sarah Sloan, kick this guy out of here. Get to work, bitch. All right, your final bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Colton Jones, everybody. Colton Jones.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow, ladies and gentlemen. What a turn the bucket has taken as we come around the vinyl band. Colton Jones with the set of The Night here on Kill Tony. Absolutely incredible, Colton. Very funny man. Very likable. Very jolly. Strong delivery. Great, unbelievable writing. Perfect, perfect, perfect all the way around. Welcome back. You've been on this show once before? Once before.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And this is your return. It's been a while. A year or two, right? It's been a while. That's right. That's right.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Hell yeah. I wonder why I called you a serial killer. That's not creepy at all. It's just the shock is all.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, I think we can all tell. It's absolutely incredible, Colton. Amazing. Yes. Yes. Getting the crowd to make even more noise. God, this is great. Yes, it is. It is. It is fun.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
New Orleans is a crazy fucking city. It is diabolical. I was there for the Super Bowl. I did a show the night before the Super Bowl. It was crazy. I've been there before. Every time I've been there, it's crazy. There is a vibe in the city, and I will say that for the first time ever...
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, man, that's funny. What do you think, if you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans, on why exactly... I'm noticing John... You know what I'm talking about. John, this was hitting close to home with John Dees. I've never really seen him laugh this hard at something.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Coming up, let it be known that our friend here, Luis J. Gomez, puts on literally the best comedy festival of the year, and it is happening this year in New Orleans, Louisiana, for the first time. For the very first time.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I'll fucking be there. How about that? Let it be known, you're witnessing history. Colton Jones booked... on Skank Fest, the most fun and the biggest comedy festival annually now. I used to always say that it was the best, and now it literally is the best. There is no more JFL. Netflix is a joke only happens every other year. And so, the best annual festival in all of comedy.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It's also better than Netflix is a joke, Tony. I know you have a Netflix channel, but let's get real. I mean, we do. Yeah, we... It's not. Yes, it's a... It's a superior festival. But as far as annual festivals, Lewis, you are truly just, I mean, it's unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
When I think about the amount of money that I get paid for Skankfest compared to the amount of money that I get from, um... Uh, let's just say... Let's just say all I have to do is 9,000 more Skankfests. Actually, probably, mathematically, more. Way more. Yeah, way more. Just...
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And you know what else? I have a sold-out show here on Wednesday at 7 p.m. Why don't you open up that show, too? Sounds great. In the Fat Man of the Mothership, 7 p.m. You got it all, kid. Sunset, Mothership. Has Adam seen you before? Have you ever seen by the talent coordinator?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
If you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why it is that the smoke detector beep goes unnoticed with you people and you people only. And when I say you people, I fucking mean you people. I get it, I get it. Let there be no confusion here. Yeah, yeah. Why do you think it is that black people don't notice that they need to change the batteries in the smoke detector alarm?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Colton Jones, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Absolutely, Colton. There he goes. And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. And it might not be the way you think. Ladies and gentlemen, there's a young man. who, as I text with my fellow administration members of the United States of America lately, I implore them on a daily basis, make this man an American citizen.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
You'd be surprised how hard the process is as I laugh with my friends. You know, by friends I mean the head of the FBI, the head of the CIA, the vice president, the president, the head of national intelligence, the head of health. There's a bunch more that I'm missing right now. Elon Musk. There's a lot of people that I text throughout the week. You'd be surprised.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
And I tell them all, we need to make this man a citizen. And they play hard to get. They play hard to get. But God damn it, I know it's going to happen. One day, he will be known as the American assassin. But for now, he's simply known as the Estonian assassin.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
This is a... You know that dog whistle that we can't hear but dogs can hear?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I mean, what the fuck? In real time, you're watching a fucking absolute monster grow. This is crazy. Dude, before... If there's a person in the fucking world that doesn't find that funny, that means they've never flown Southwest.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
There's no question about it. So funny. And it's... This is the work. You see this? Yeah. That's real. You could do that. People will not sit next to you on Southwest if you just fucking... Oh, yeah. Just keep that fucking flailed right towards that middle seat. Let them know. Wow. I mean, it is wild.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Not only are you, like Lewis just said, one of the best comics working today, but it's just amazing to me that, you know, we've just never had a... You know, I mean, it's you and Cam...
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
clearly um showing the process showing that you know every week i mean people must be waiting and and if they're not then they don't know how hard stand-up comedy is or how it's also so much fun dude oh exactly just to have that panic attack like literally i took the walk slow because i had three things in my head that are literally just thoughts yeah you know and you just have this
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
The fact that you live for that pressure shows what kind of beast you are. It was a story of the night, right? It's like, oh, the lights. Oh, I'm nervous. Oh, I'm nervous. Transferring that energy into fucking being present and... delivering your bits, being able to take nervous energy. And you should be more nervous than anybody because you have high expectations to follow.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
These people absolutely expect you to be great. And meanwhile, week after week, while competing with yourself, you seem to absolutely be crushing yourself. And it's incredible. It's amazing. Thank you. And I am so fucking honored to have you be part of this show. You're a perfect fucking fit.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
No doubt about it. You gotta learn to love it, baby. This is the era. And that is the Estonian assassin, Ari Maddy. How much fucking fun did we have tonight, huh? The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it's a glorious one. That is LeMarin, Luis J. Gomez. Look at that. That's incredible. How about one more time for the great Luis J. Gomez, Legion of Skanks, Story Wars.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Guys, check out Story Wars sometimes. This is, I truly believe, one of the other great shows. I mean, I've always talked with you about... you know, doing a live show in front of a live audience that has like a format and a built-in fucking thing because people like that. Legion of Skanks is one of the best podcasts with fucking dudes talking shit just loosely. And Story Wars is without a doubt.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I mean, I told you I've only done it once. I'm doing another one this week. But the first time I did it, I told you that's a hit. You have a hit on your hands. Congratulations. One more time for Luis J. Gomez. Check out Story Wars with a Z. Skank Fest, I believe, is already sold out.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
So make sure you're there in line. May 2nd for the normies is your last chance. Get your Skank Fest tickets. How about one more time for the great and powerful LaMare Lee, everybody. Panties in the Mouth Pod. That is the name of his pod. He's got a backpack that he's holding up like a championship belt. Panties in the mouth pod. Thank you to Blue Nile, Talkspace, Voodoo Ranger, and Zip Recruiter.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
David, what do you think is the blackest thing about you other than your skin, your speech, and your overall demeanor?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Let's see what Chris Rogers arted tonight. Oh, that's me. Look at that. That's me. Hell yeah. Look at that fucking hairline. Better than ever. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? How
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
No doubt about it. Why don't you go re-watch Kill Tony on Netflix? Tell your friends to watch it. Go watch it again. Just put it on. Just put it on and leave it on. And then put it on again. And then watch it again. All right. God bless this audience. We went through the whole fucking range together. The rough bucket starts. The regular is absolutely crushed.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
David Jolly, Cam Patterson, and Ari Matty. And then from the bucket, we went from fucking... What an adventure. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Absolutely. It get gray now. Now, I'm also curious to know, what do you think is the whitest thing about you, David Jolly? Oh, that's a tough one.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
No doubt about it. David, you got it started here tonight. Is there anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go since the last time we saw you?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't know what just happened there, but yeah. There he is. Yeah. World star. There he goes. David Jolly. All right. On to the bucket we go, ladies. Oh my God. Oh my. You know what? I think I might need to lotion up my penis. Heidi's here, everybody. I need to borrow some of David Jolly's cocoa butter. And think about a dude while I do it.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Your first pocket pool of the night goes by the name of Trish Smart, everyone. Sounds like a familiar name. I think we might have seen her before. Here she is. Make some noise, people, for Trish Smart.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I heard them yell. That's how you close your set, huh? With just a hard head nod. Trish Smart, welcome back.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, Trish Smart. You could have been like, that's it.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, there she is, Trish Smart. How long have you been doing stand-up, Trish?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Eight years. Okay. And you've been on the show once before? I have. What did we find out? What was the highlight of your interview last time you were on?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Let's hear a better joke. Mason is standing up doing the let's fucking go. He really thinks that this is a chance for his boy Macy. It's going to be a long spirit flight back to Tacoma. Oh, I can just feel it. I can just feel it. So here we go, doing one of his better jokes. Three years of experience, barely a laugh on the 65-second long set up for Punchline for put desks under the thing.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Here we go. My guess is he's going to have I smoked weed in the joke. That seems to be part of your vibe. Here he is with his best joke. This is Macy Yo.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Got it, lesbians indeed like Subarus. My favorite part of the set was when you used the word rummaged. said he rummaged through your car. Is anyone, Cam Patterson. That's a real word, that's a real word. Rummaged is a real word, I like it, good job. It's only a word for people that have grills in their mouth. That's a real word, Tony. That's a real word. That's a real word.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, I love it. Indeed. Indeed, indeed, indeed. So, Maceo, congratulations. We don't have any joke books here tonight, huh? Where's Bones Eye at? Any word from Bones Eye? What the fuck? Do you know? Nothing? Did we tell him? Did we tell him there's two tapings? No, he doesn't need a coaster. He's leaving with some. You could use these on that long flight home. Some Zippix toothpicks.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Those are peppermint watermelon toothpicks. So you could share some with your boy Mason over there. Oh, shit. Mason's looking depressed, by the way. He's looking like he really wanted you to do better. Yeah. We'll see. Mason, you signed up? I'll be feeling for you. I'll be feeling for you. We'll see what happens. What ethnicity are you, by the way, Macy? I'm super mixed.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I'm Japanese, white, native, Hawaiian, and black. How black are you? How black are you? Have you gotten a 23 in me? No. What makes you say that you're black? Who told you you're black? It's the rumor in the family.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You'll see him. Like, he's... No, I won't see him. I won't see him. Cam Patterson. Jerome? He named Jerome?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So you have a white grandpa named Jerome, so you tell people you're part black? That's what I was told. By who? Uh, by my, uh, cousin. Who's your cousin? What's his name? Uh, it's my girl cousin. Hold on. Musicians, stop for just a second. It's your what cousin? My girl cousin. Your girl cousin? What does that mean? You said it's a boy cousin. I said, no, it's a girl. So is it a first cousin?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah. You have her number? No, not on me. You don't have your first cousin's phone number? No, I'm shitty like that. So you... I don't even have my dad's phone number. You might be black after all. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Macy Yeo to start the show. Thank you. There he goes. All right. You don't need to give high fives to everybody. Macy Yo has started the show. Oh, shit.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
The lovely Heidi has arrived, everybody. My goodness. How lovely. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Mr. G, everybody. Mr. G is next on Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Jesus Christ almighty, Mr. G. Mr. G. Oh my God, Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You a crackhead, right? You do crack, right? No, no. No? Okay. It is incredible. You do have a look, Mr. G. Has anyone told you that you don't have lips?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fact that you have fucking no lips. I'm not saying you have little lips. I'm not saying white people have little lips. I'm saying you specifically, Mr. G, if that really is your name, have no lips whatsoever. Why do you think that is? What happened to your lips?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Let's just... He ain't too much pussy, Tony. I highly doubt that. I highly doubt that. I don't think Billy Bob Thornton's eating all the pussy in the world over here. That was absolutely wild, Mr. G. So let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What made you pick here to do... First time, not terrible. Well, maybe I'll... No, it was terrible, Mr. G. You think it's good. It was awful. It was horrible. Okay. It was really, really bad, but we're gonna talk about it. It's okay. Just continue with confidence. It's all right. That's part of it. So what have you been doing for work up until this point?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What are you writing? I write about cats. What do you write about cats? What do I write about cats? Yes, what do you write about cats?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys gotta do better than that. Are you ready to start tonight's fucking show? Every single week, I book two of the funniest comedians on this show this week. Absolutely no different. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best guests in the history of the show. They... Young man is a superstar from this episode, from this show.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I think I might need a... The most dangerous street in Honolulu. Yes. Yes. How dangerous is that street? What's happening? Are pineapples falling out of trees? What exactly makes it the most dangerous street?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Mr. G, let's talk about it. What made you get into this wide world of cats? What is your thing with cats?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So you feed them and keep them alive so that they could go on another day, just being homeless? Do you know cats can be homeless? Yeah. You know some of them are outdoor? It's not like humans. Do you know that 99.9% of all animals are homeless? Are you aware of this? You know, monkeys are homeless, orangutans. Well, I don't care about them. I just care about the cats.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay, so what is it about cats that you love so much?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And now that orange cat is the president of the United States of America. And here you are. No. Is this true? Were you bullied for your love of cats?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Why? Why were you banished from the island? This is a good part where if you tell the truth, it'll be really interesting.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
By local Hawaiians. Why were they attacking you for feeding the cats? What was their reasoning? Let's hear their perspective. Why would they say they attacked you or wanted to attack you?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What do you mean? As far as I know, you're part black according to this show. Not with those lips. Give me that sound. Where is it? Where is it? Well, you got to find it. Here it is. Red band. The line, not with those lips.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Mr. G, do you have any kids or anything? Did you do anything? Okay. What have you done your whole life other than feeding cats? You write about cats? What types of things do you write? You've written it, so you must know.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I'm going to remember your lipless fucking face when we win that game. I'm just going to go, that fucking cat is crying right now. I'm gonna go, Mr. G2000 is out there thinking that the Longhorns were gonna win this game. Mr. G, so what's your living situation? You seem like the kind of guy that really likes to connect with cats so much that you might live outdoors, am I correct?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It's a juggernaut in real time. You got to watch him go from barely anybody knowing him to him being a global star. The woman on panel tonight, just fucking, well, on top of being one of the best comedians in the world, also just fucking lit New Year's Eve on fire this year. I present to you a perfect panel. This is Whitney Cummings and Cam Patterson. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Whitney Cummings.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I'm going to let Cam Patterson speak for a second. This nigga crazy.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
There he goes, Mr. G, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. You can put the mic in the mic. Thank you, Mr. G. We love you, Mr. G. Thank you. Yeah, that's the old, please don't kill me, we love you. 100%. Put him on the facial recognition list.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bucket Bull. I mean, this is what the show's all about. It's about chaos out of this bucket. Let's meet another one. Could be the next superstar. Could own millions of cats. Make some noise for Bobby T. Bobby T is next.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
How you doing, Bobby T? Doing great. Thank you. How long you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay, we have to go edit that Ron White part out of that episode. We have to cut that out. It's time. We got dudes on jets with cats coming out here. Thank you, Ron White. Here we come.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Thank you. My matrix was cool. Thank you, Bobby T. Thank you. Okay, so you started 14. How did that set go 14 years ago?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Hold on. How does your wife surprise you with you doing your first comedy set?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So your first time doing stand-up, you didn't know you were going to do stand-up, so you had no time to prepare, correct? Two and a half hours. Okay. So she told you you're performing tonight at the con. What else did you knock off your bucket list that night? Nothing off the bucket list that night. Right.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I'm just going off of what you said that she said about are you ready to knock some stuff, or that would be different if it was a thing, but it's okay. It was a thing. Copy that. Okay, gotcha. What do you do for work, Bobby T? I'm now a server. Where are you serving at?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay. What did you study? What are some trades that you know?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So how did you end up not teaching at school? How do you end up a server if at one point you were a middle school teacher? The look in your eyes is telling me this is going to be a fun answer.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I did. What was the restaurant called? Bobby T's. It was your restaurant with your name, Bobby T's. Let's look up the Yelp reviews for Bobby T's. Restaurant. This is one of my favorite things to do.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Cam Patterson in the flesh. The great Whitney. It is a beautiful 69.1 degrees Fahrenheit, 35% precipitation in the room. Cam Patterson, welcome back to the table. What's up? You got a gold grill. Yeah. Look at this. Back in my final form, I'm gonna go sell some crap. Oh my goodness.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, I got that part. You said that already. Sorry. It's in Indiana?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Indiana. Lafayette, Indiana, sir. Gotcha. Here we go. Bobby Tease. We found it. West Lafayette. Now, here we go. First of all, here, I'll just take over because you are absolutely wild. Let's just start by saying it's the one on Main Street, correct? Bobby, over here, you fucking idiot. Don't talk to... You're not making friends with a fucking drummer when you're on this show.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So... How do you feel like these Yelp reviews are going to be? Good? Ugh. Have you ever been to West Lafayette or Lafayette? Can I tell you that your average is a 3.9 with 19 reviews. Okay. So here we go. Jenny B says, typically a positive experience. We've enjoyed going since they've reopened. Disappointed in bartender Jennifer using the word retarded. That was one of our comedy nights.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
That's one of your comedy friends. We used to try to do comedy night, dog. We tried. Let's do another one here. That was a one star, if you're wondering. That was a one star by Jenny B. Olivia H., over five years ago, said, hello. So my friends called ahead and made sure that we didn't need to reserve the campus location for a big group gathering. And once they got there, they let us in.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Realized we weren't a part of a party that had been there and rudely asked us all to leave after we took extreme lengths to make sure we would be allowed to come. Several of us are under 21 and want to spend time with our older friends. I'm really disappointed in the lack of communication and the overall rudeness of the employees working the door. We'll not be attempting to go back.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We asked to speak to a manager and some fat pig. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking. I made that part up. Your next review is from Kanako T over seven years ago. How long were you open for? A little bit lighter on the drums there, Michael. You've been working out a little too much. Go ahead.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Kanako T said, I ordered fried pickles. And the plate I received had only five fried pickles. Which are probably one pickle split into five pieces. It was $5.49, if I'm not wrong. So 1.1 per piece. Awesome. Is that what you did? Were you fucking cutting your pickles, dude? With gloves on, yes. Wow. So what was your plan?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You would get a pickle and you would slice it many times and then just fry the super thin pickle?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We weren't profiting too much. Yeah, but I mean, $5.49 per pickle is unbelievable. There's breading, a side sauce. Yes, it is a pricey pickle. How much do you think the side of sauce was worth? You're buying bulk, right? No, Scratch Kitchen. Scratch Kitchen. You made the sauce from scratch? You betcha. Wow. Scratch Kitchen. Okay, Scratch Kitchen. Yeah. My goodness.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And nobody's telling me. Speaking of retarded, just to keep you guys updated on what I'm seeing, Redban is Googling pickles in bulk to find a price on pickles, but he spells it P-I-C-K-E-L-S, everybody. So Jennifer was here right now. He'd be retarded, everybody. Let's go back to the Yelp reviews. That's how you spell it, Tony. That's how you spell it. All the way back.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
My review, three stars from Dale. My review is based on a short drinking and snack episode in a Thursday night at 2 a.m. Take it for what it's worth. We picked the place because they were open late and had food service. That's a plus. The facilities were clean. The barkeep was friendly and helpful. She recommended appetizers that the kitchen could make well at that hour.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I remember when you were first on the show, he was wearing sweatpants and flip-flops and he said, I'm never gonna change. I'm always gonna stay this way.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We ordered the fried pickles. And the ghost pepper mozzarella balls wrapped in bacon. Oh, you're pumping your fist over there. Look at that. You're proud of these ghost. I was proud of our menu. I was proud of what we were doing. Ghost pepper mozzarella balls. Describe those to us.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You're the guy famously trying to make $7 per pickle over here.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
How much profit do you think you were pulling off one of these mozzarella balls?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We ordered the fried pickles and the ghost pepper mozzarella balls wrapped in bacon. The fried pickles were very good. I'm really proud. The matzo balls were good as well. Be careful. They are spicier than advertised. Is that true? We advertise that.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I had a gin and seven that came in a large cup. I tasted more seven up than gin. I also had a Skittles shot. Nice flavor. Not much kick. You did Skittles shots?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Hmm. Hmm. All right, yeah, pretty good reviews other than that. Thank you. Yeah. Why do you think it closed? Where do you think you went wrong? COVID. Sure, but some places stayed open during COVID.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You up there just bombing while they're eating slivers of pickles. But it worked. It worked. It was fun. I met a lot of great people, man. And now you like your life. You like bartending. You like the nightlife. Do you get pretty fucked up yourself?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Uh, we play everything from ACDC to... What do you do in the band? I'm a drummer. What do you, uh, what's the name of the band? Uh, Rodeo. Like you're driving down the road, listen to the radio. Rodeo. So the name of the band is Rodeo. Yep. And you think... Do you always say that when you tell people when they go, what's the name of your band? You go, Rodeo.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It's like you're driving down the road listening to the radio. Yeah, I did not come up with the name, so I feel like I need to try to explain it. Bobby T, I'm going to tell you what. I read your Yelp reviews. We're into overtime with you, deep, deep into overtime, but I cannot possibly turn down the opera. How long have you been playing drums for? On the whole life. Your whole life.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time. It's time for a Mexican drama. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Gonzalez. Get up out of that seat, dude. Come on. Oh, my goodness. Bobby T taking off his jacket. The horn players are jamming. They know what to do. It is a true Mexican drama. Bobby, are you Mexican? Hold on. Wait. You're not? Okay. Well, then it's a... Hold on. Hold on, Bobby. Just wait.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
He's very excited. He's very excited. He's like a fucking pile of fried pickles over there. Just... Just ready to slice and dice and make a profit tonight. So let me remind you how this works. Some of you might not know, so I see some very pretty girls out here that were dragged here by your podcast-loving boyfriends.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You might not know, but right now, Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike himself, his job is on the line. For Bobby T has a better drum solo than Michael Gonzalez. they have to basically switch lives. Bobby T becomes the full-time drummer on Kill Tony. Michael Gonzalez literally has to go drive to Indiana, bartend at a bar that is filled with mozzarella bomb bacon wraps and shit. And it's just insanity.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I will say Michael has never lost. And every time we do this, the audience decides. So it's a lot less biased than people think. We go off of the volume of the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's drum solo competition, I present to you the fucking fried pickle king of... of West Lafayette, Indiana, driving 18 hours for this, living his dream. This is a drum solo by Bobby T.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Here's my final form. Whitney Cummings, fresh off of lighting CNN on fire. She pulled a Tony Hinchcliffe and got a little fucking, little smoke, a little heat off a little something.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
All right, not the biggest ending there. A lot of heat. A lot of heat down the front of the race. I think he lost some gas there at the end. Didn't really put a big ribbon on it. It closed a lot like his restaurant did. Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne. Don't let the camera fool you. This man is bigger than anyone on the stage. This is big Michael Gonzalez, everybody. Here he is.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
He's a good sport. The horn players playing what Michael hears in his head all the time, the sweet sounds of Mexican, Mexican stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Michael Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Well, this is that time where we find out who is being sent home to West Lafayette, Indiana. This could be one of the most shocking upsets in the history of this show if the crowd decides. So how many of you, I must ask, have Bobby T winning the Mexican drum off? Now is your chance to How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Even Bobby T himself with the big vote. Bobby, congratulations.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Here's a medium joke book for you. There he goes. Bobby T, everybody. Absolutely. All right, on to the next one. We're having fun here tonight. A long, long set. Yeah, that happens sometimes. The great Heidi. Saging the stage from the three bombs that we've had so far tonight. Anything could happen, though. Perhaps the bomb streak ends with the comedy stylings of your next bucket pool.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Juan Denmark, everybody. Juan Denmark. Everybody has freak-offs.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Fuck yeah, I won, Denmark. I like it. The first rock solid set of the night. Hell yeah. Oh, shit. Hell yeah, it's one of you. Fuck yeah. Very excited. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Welcome to the show, Juan. You are very, very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three and a half years. Where at? Portland, Oregon. Boo! Amazing, amazing. Juan, stick with me over here. So you still live in Portland? I do, I do. What do you like about Portland? White women who date black guys. Okay. But seriously, what has you in Portland? That's where you were born and raised?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah. Mama, we made it. That's what you got to do. You got to put yourself in position to do comedy where it doesn't really belong. And CNN is perfect for that. So is political rallies as well.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Old Nazi rally Tony over here. Hell yeah, dude. You know me. Fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah. You've been watching that Portland local news, I can tell. Where my Puerto Ricans at? Okay. What do you think, it's free ticket night? They're not here?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
All right. Juan, Denmark. You look neither like a Juan or that you're from Denmark. This is incredible. What a name. It's like my name being... I'm Cuban. I just found out I was Cuban. Okay. All right. Okie dokie. I guess so. All right. So that's big news. So Juan, what do you do for work in Portland, Oregon?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Fuck yeah. Well, I'd rather it be Juan than any of the other bucket pools here tonight. I'll tell you that. Look at Maceo shaking his head. Oh, he's smiling now. Once I pointed at him, he started smiling, but I looked over there, I just saw this.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What the hell are they saying? Big Mike, what did he just say to him?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Is it? So how long have you been going to school for that, Juan?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Hell yeah. Our other comedians tonight only served fried pickles. This is incredible. We have a real hero up here.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay. All right. With a condom on it, God damn it. Okay. Don't you forget about the condom. That condom looks like it's been through a lot. I got to tell you. The fuck? Did you microwave that thing?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, Jesus. All three of them look heavily damaged.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Those things look like they were fucking... Looks like you let Mr. G's cats play with those. Yo, have you made fun of this nigga yet? It's the first thing I did when I came out.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Your jokes about me are the best jokes about me. I heard some of them at the Jelly Roll Roast, and they are absolutely ruthless.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, yeah, that's fucking Scam Patterson right there. So how long are you in Austin, Texas for one until next Tuesday so next to next Tuesday, yeah Amazing stuff. How much time do you think you've? How long of a set would you be comfortable doing that you think is good?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Well, that's not really how it works. That's a terrible answer. So shit, 30 minutes. I could do 30 minutes. Have you done 30 minutes before?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
This nigga's got a shirt with himself on it twice. That's five minutes. My fan base is retarded. It's incredible. Juan, I think you're so funny. Since you're going to be here next Monday, I'm going to give you an automatic minute next Monday. How about that? You will have an automatic spot on the show. And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Boom! Juan Denmark. Picking up gigs.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's the man. We've got to figure out what's going to happen with that roast. In the meanwhile, we're on Kill Tony. You guys know how this works. I pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Juan. Here's a big joke, folks. Juan Denmark, everybody. Wow. It is possible that there are some good comedians in this bucket. This is a very, very exciting bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. This guy, I mean, it's incredible. Literally my first friend in standup comedy. I can't believe he signed up for the show. This is amazing. We've been doing standup together for 17, almost 18 years exactly.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Door guys together at the comedy store. Former roommate of mine. I used to live in the living room. 17 years ago. And he's here to do a minute. Make some noise for Matt Edgar, everybody. Comedy store regular. Mothership regular. Must be bored on a Monday. Signing up for Kill Tony. One more time for Matt Edgar, everybody.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which interrupts them and cuts them off. And then I interview them, and we all find out more about them. Maybe we help them. Maybe we hurt them. Anything can happen. It's a real improvised live show. And we're gonna start it with a bucket pool here tonight.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Matt Edgar, ladies and gentlemen. Was Benji in the middle or was I in the middle? That'd be Benji. I think it was Benji. Yeah, we put the Jew in the middle. That's true. This way he couldn't escape. D Madness has heard enough gay references in a minute. There he goes, famous homophobe D Madness. The biggest homophobe on this stage.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wait, turn around, D. Well, I guess you don't know which way around is. D Madness, I'm not gay. Unbelievable. the famous homophobe D Madness. He doesn't see color, but he smells gayness and he has smelt it here tonight. Matt Edgar, we could go on and on with gay stories with me and you. It is incredible. I once caught him.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We got into a two man bicycle accident and I caught him in midair and cradled his head. Oh my God. We could give the internet trolls all the fuel they've ever asked for here while being two straight men that everybody thinks is gay. So Maddie Boy, I love it. That was a fantastic set. All is true. You guys know Matt Edgar. So where do we even begin, Maddie Boy? I mean, God, yeah.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Friends with Ari Matty, served up Ari Matty on a platter to me, telling me how absolutely hilarious he is before I even got to see him. You're welcome, everybody. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
No doubt. No brainer. Rockstar served it up on a silver platter. Maddie, what else is going on in life? What else is shaking?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
He's the man and life is good. I don't even know what else to talk about with you because we talk all the time.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It really was. Fun fact, we were going the same direction, talking about stuff on a sidewalk, going down Sunset. We were riding our bikes on a sidewalk. From work back to our apartment, side by side, and our handlebars touched ever so slightly. I was on the left side, so my right handlebar touched his left handlebar. And what happens is there's a...
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Normally we start with a regular or a golden ticket winner. I think tonight should be one of those big bucket bonanza nights. We have a lot of our regulars out on the road, around, or on panel. Cam gets to save a minute tonight. That's exciting.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
There's an electricity that happens when two handlebars touch, and when you try to go the other way, you push, you put, so we, our tires ended up going out and then into each other, and it all happened so, and we're launched. At this point, we're up in the air. And all we did our first many years, in fact, it continues today now that I think about it, but all we've ever done is laugh together.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, dude. And there was nothing else I could do because his head was already kind of in my hand and we were falling like this. We were already laughing while we were still in the air. We knew we were about to hit straight cement. And I mean, we're in the air.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And let me remind you all, we were working at the comedy store every single day and night together and living a nightlife of pure comedy out with Don Barris and Brian Holtzman and the late, great Brody Stevens every night until 3, 4, 5 a.m. and waking up at 11 the next day to go to the comedy store, answer the phones, and do it again.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And in a beautiful world of comedy, sometimes you get into a bicycle accident. And we laid on that sidewalk laughing, and I kept the cradle for a while. We laid there just cracking up. I was like, Tony, I'm fine. Can you believe we landed like this? It's incredible.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
If we only had a big, soft thing to land on like Red Band.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, I'd have to tiptoe through Matt's bedroom to go to the bathroom.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
At one point, there were five comedians, maybe six comedians. We just could not. We realized that if we just kept adding roommates, we could save like $100 or $200 a month.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We came up with this brilliant business model until the end when the whole thing went kaboom.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wow, that stuck with you, huh? Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh shit. You went to some beach community college? Yeah, I went to LBCC. How is that the most savage roast Tony's ever done? Well, it sounds like he went to where fucking Snoop Dogg's a professor. LBCC is amazing.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
This we should talk about. They would not believe this. And only seeing you and feeling our energies. Will it even make sense to the people? So this is perfect. We were opening for a comedian. This is goddamn again, like 17, 16 years ago. We barely even belonged on the road opening for anybody. So we were so grateful to have this opportunity. We drove.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We all took turns driving this headliner to the far, even farther east than here of Texas. Wow. What was it again? Corpus Christi.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, me too. I think, yeah. And so we do the show. We had drinks. We had a lot of fun. And our buddy insisted that we have to try a place that we had never heard of called Whataburger. And there we are in line talking about pro wrestling, goofing around, fucking doing whatever we were doing. He was wearing, I believe, the same jeans he's wearing now. Skinny jeans. My jeans were probably skinnier.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It was a different time. Needless to say, in Texas, maybe we kind of stood out a little bit. And we're in line at Whataburger, and I'll never forget. We're goofing around in line, goofing around in line, and it's late. It's like 2, 2.30 or whatever. And I place my first Whataburger order, and I hand over the $5 bill. I'll never forget the $5 bill. And at that moment, the lady takes the $5 bill.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
This is back when you paid with cash at times. And a voice goes, he won't be needing that food. You can give him back that $5 bill. And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck? And there's a giant police officer over my shoulder. And the lady goes, and she hands me the $5 bill. I take it. We're like, what's the problem, basically? And the cop's like, don't even talk to me.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
If you guys say another word, you're going to be under arrest. And we're like, okay. So we walk outside. The headliner buddy of ours, who I think we were supposed to order food for, was coming in behind us, goes, where are you guys going? Where's your food? He's on a cell phone. And we go, we just got kicked out. And he is friends with the mayor of Portland, Texas. Who we were with.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
The mayor was, we were with the mayor. Well, we were with him earlier in the night, right? And we were staying at his house, I believe. Correct. Oh, wait. Yes. We were supposed to stay at his house that night. And so my friend, my buddy goes to the cop and he goes, what the fuck is the deal? These are my good friends. They're visiting from California. This is their first Whataburger experience.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Why are you kicking them out? And this cop goes, if you say one more fucking word to me, I'm going to put you under arrest. And he goes, well, fuck, you don't know who you're fucking with. And the cop's like, you're under fucking arrest. You're under arrest. You get over here. He cuffs him, puts him in the car. He literally calls the mayor who comes and picks us up.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And again, we're like, man, this cop's going to be like in trouble. He doesn't know who he's fucking with. Anyway, long story short, he gets out of jail that night. He comes to the house. We have more drinks, which is crazy. The next day we have to go to Houston or something like that. We're driving to another city, hungover as fuck. And the headliner gets a phone call.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And he goes, you guys shut up. Again, we've just been giggling for 18 years together. So he goes, you guys shut up. This is the chief of police calling. I'm going to find out what the fuck really happened last night. And he goes, what's up, chief? And it's on speakerphone. And Sophia and Matt are in the backseat like, here we go. And he goes, man, what the hell happened last night?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Why did I get arrested? And the voice, the chief of police goes, well, yeah, I talked to the officer. He said there were a couple of f**ks fighting at a Whataburger. Yeah. rolling around at a Whataburger and they were doing some kind of horseplay or something like that. He wasn't wrong. Yeah. Cut to me and Matt cracking up and the headliner being like, shut up, you're on speakerphone.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We all need a good one. Your first bucket pool is from the inside, everybody, representing you, the audience. It could be you if you signed up. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of Macy Yo. Macy Yo. Oh, the furthest possible walk. How exciting. I'm gonna pre-pull a name for your next bucket pull. Ooh, that looks fun.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We didn't even know what speakerphone was at the time because we were just children. D Madness is back, you say it three times, he pops back. Like homophobic Beetlejuice. Um... So, yeah, we could go on and on with our childhood stories. Matty, so fun to have you. So good to be here. We'll do this more often. We'll get you on panel sometime soon. We'll jam. Appreciate that.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I'm so proud of you, dude. Thank you. I love you, brother. Thank you. We love you. Matt Edgar, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. All right, here we go. Back to complete strangers. What a wild, wild transition. Make some noise for your next comedian, Will Merrick, everybody. Will Merrick.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We'll call it there. Will Merrick, welcome, welcome, welcome. Some topical Shel Silverstein and Bill Cosby impressions. So, Will, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost four years.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What did we find out then? What did we talk about? What was the interview portion like?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Nice. That's fun. Okay. All right. What else do you do for fun when you're not playing sax or doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I don't try very hard as far as acquiring... Can you give us an example of a time in which you could have tried, but you didn't? Where you're like, man, what's wrong with me? Why didn't I fucking... I don't... How about a time where you did try?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Have you ever been with a woman before, Will? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
How long ago was that? When did that happen for you?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, you hooked up with a coworker. What industry was that? In the restaurant?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Now's a good time for me to tell you to use Zypex nicotine toothpicks. You could use them on airplanes and stuff. Zip more, smoke less. Zypex nicotine toothpicks. There goes the Puerto Rican guy. He just realized where he was. Here we go. Zip energy as well. Bean 12 and caffeine toothpicks. Nice catch. How we feeling? We ready to start the show? Make some noise for one of your own.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Was that only a one-time thing, the sex with a co-worker?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Anything other than missionary position with you. You seem like a guy that just goes missionary, stares deep in the eyes, and comes immediately.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I appreciate it. You are a hero for all mutautistic people out there. Incredible. Did you get a joke book a while ago?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, you're terrible at it. It almost seems like you have no idea what show you're going on or that you might have to be... I don't watch this as much as I should. You don't need to watch it to be able to answer questions very simply. You give us nothing to work with as well. All right. Yeah, okay.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Anything crazy about your life that you wish you would have mentioned last time you were on where you're like, wow, that could have gone better if I would have mentioned that entertaining fun fact about the time that I did this or that or my family this or my upbringing that or my hometown this.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You didn't really have to prepare. You could also just be loose and say that you do things other than stand-up and saxophone.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Will, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. There he goes. Oh, wow. It's amazing when Macy Yo, Mr. G, and Bobby T absolutely dominate you in interview skills. Macy Yo over there like, hey, I didn't do that bad. Holy shit. Good job, Macy. Man, that guy was a fucking can of water. All right. We're having fun tonight. It's proof. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Ty Marion, everybody.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Thank you. All right. Ty Marion. Welcome. Welcome to the show. You did really good for a guy with such a sad face. Thank you, sir. That is absolutely incredible. Have you always looked like that, Ty? No. When I was younger, I looked worse, I think. Really? Wow. Okay. So it's getting better. Very good. I'm one of these people that ages a little bit better than you. I like it.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I like the confidence. Absolutely. Ty, what ethnicity are you? What ethnicity are you? This is one of your favorite questions to ask me. I'm just white. You've been on this show before? Yeah, it's my third time. Okay, perfect. I don't know how I forgot that face, but it is incredible. I was a lot fatter. Okay, you're losing weight. Yeah. I just lost 41 pounds. Wow, congratulations. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Cam Patterson, what do you think about this guy? So we're just going to skip the set, nigga?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
If you want to cover, you can talk about it if you want.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It was very funny. Like I can control what these fucking people are going to say.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I thought it was fun, but that's a young black man acting like this dude. Have you ever heard of a cotton-picking minute before?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You heard of this, John? Okay, John has heard of it. What do you think a cotton-picking minute is, John?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What do you mean? Wait a cotton-picking minute. Oh. Now, wait just a cotton-picking minute. Is it normally black people saying this?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It's a magic trick. It's a magic trick. Ty Marion's about to smile, and there's going to be a gold grill there. How the hell did they do that? Now wait just a cotton picking minute. So you heard this girl say that? Or did you say it? What was the part of the joke again?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
The show started on time. And was I here? You were here early. Goddamn right, nigga. As always.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yep, John Dee's also here early. Dee Madness here shockingly early.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Hilarious. That was good. You got me. You got me on that one. Ty Marion with a great line. Have you always been on time, Cam? Yeah, I've always been on time. But let me ask you something. Do you feel the urge, like in your blood sometimes, to just be a little late?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You know what I'm saying? Yep, it did. So cotton picking minute. What else happened? You were really with a black woman? Yeah. Was it your first black woman that you've been with? No. No, geez, you say no like you've been with them all. Nah, I mean. Do you prefer black women over white women? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Whoa, Whitey Cummings over here representing the master race very well.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Whoa, this guy thinks he can make Whitney Cummings.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
My goodness. What would your approach be with a woman like Whitney, with a real powerful, respected, funny, good sense of humor, good looking? I know for a fact she, from what I've heard, I'm just going to say, I know for a fact that, I mean, I know when you had the baby, you got a little, you mentioned in the green room, you got a little.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay. I might be crossing a line right now. I don't know what's fun for comedy and what's not, but I happen to know the thing is, it's ready to go.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah. All right. It is in shape. Awesome. Fantastic.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So tell us, what would you do to please a woman like Whitney? First off, let's start. We'd put a bag over your head. Let's start there. And then what would you do?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Like what? What would you do? If there's no wining and dining, what do you consider a good time exactly?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay. So no whining and dining. Did you say something about a mountain?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So you'd want to go see a sunset with her, climb a mountain. So it's a very thrifty date. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We're just going to sit on the ground. He could take you to Bobby T's for some fried pickles. You get five pickles for $5.49. $1.1 per pickle slice. You ever have fried pickles with a girl? I don't like pickles. You don't like pickles. What else don't you like?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
OKAY. AND WHAT HAPPENED THERE EXACTLY? WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE, CAMP HAT OR SOMETHING?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Well, now where you went? We are looking for a man, a suspect with gold teeth. Or gold teeth in his pocket. It's in your pocket? I don't know what you're talking about. Wait, that guy's gold teeth are out now, too. What the fuck is going on over here? This is crazy. This is crazy. Okay, so seriously, what did the suspect look like? Did he look like Cam, John Dees, or D Madness?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, okay, it was a white dude. Um... He was a white dude. Can you describe the white dude? He could be here. Let's find out. No, he ain't here. He ain't no longer with us. Oh, really? What happened to him? Welcome to Texas. Oh. Wait just a cotton-picking minute. Hold on a second. I think I'm going to pass on the picnic. Thank you. So what... Did you find the guy?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I happened to be looking at the camera because... Oh, he broke in while you were there.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wow. Okay. Wow, that is our first admission of murder in the show's history. Right when you think it's... Right when you think it's just your normal old comedy episode, you... He ain't no longer with us.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wow, Red Band trying to make it extra depressing over here. Oh, whoops. There you go.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Very good. All right. Yes. Sounds just like a football game. That's baseball. Amazing. Amazing. Okay. So you think he was homeless. You remember who played football that day. What could he have gotten out of there if he would have been wildly successful? Maybe like $200 and some weed. Right. Some Delta 8. It's not even real weed, right? Right. Yeah, we don't like that.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
John D's being very vocal behind me. He is our senior marijuana correspondent. There's a reason why he wears... You can all boo it, but obviously it's to die for. Whoa. All right. You already have a big joke book? There he goes, everybody. Ty Marion doing it again. I pulled names until we got our first female comedian of the night, everybody. So here is a minute from Amanda Mercedes, everyone.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Make some noise for Amanda Mercedes, everybody. Amanda Mercedes.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, there you go. There you go. My goodness gracious. Cam. What's up, white bitch, how you doing? You good?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We knew that, we knew that. Wait, you were on stage with a pole before? What the hell were you doing on stage with a pole? Were you a fireman or something? Sit down. What were you doing on stage with a pole?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Did you ever make more money than you did that year?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Just a little fun fact. What do you do for work now?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for the cannabis company?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Good night to our red band, ladies and gentlemen. This is the real red band. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That's the real deal right there. Grooveline Horns, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa. That's Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, bigger than ever. 92.5 pounds of pure muscle.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay, so you're in the state of Michigan. Yes, sir. This is what a Michigan 10 looks like, everybody, for those of you over there.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What are you owing back there? So you still live in Michigan right now?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Not at all. This is your first time on a stage without a pole, you said. So you came here to sign up to do Kill Tony. Okay. All right. You didn't practice anywhere else?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What do you do for fun up in Michigan? Where are you at, Ann Arbor?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Michael, why did you make that noise? Hold on a second. Let's check in with Mr. Nice Guy, Michael Gonzalez, Mr. Fitness, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez. Why did you make that noise when I say you hike a lot? What do you think I was doing? You just pointed at her. Why would you point at her like that?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, maybe you should keep your fucking mouth shut. I think you look good. Thanks, champ. Yeah, of course. I'm lying, but it sounds good. You hike. I know you hike. You hike to the local ice cream shop. Oh, we're having fun. Shut up. She signed up for it.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You're damn right you did. Is that your real name, Amanda Mercedes?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wow. Is that the name that you went by when you were a stripper, Mercedes?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
That's what you think the problem was? You think it was your cardio? How about the writing, the performing, the overall ideology of a joke having its punchline stacked 66 seconds in to the set? I get it, though. I get it. There's a lot of that. Macy, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for? About three years. Three years?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Or did you have a different stripper name? It was. It was, yeah. Absolutely. Here she is, everybody. I know she looks like a Kia, but it's a Mercedes here. It's a Mercedes, everybody. Here comes Mercedes. I'm more built like a Buick, but... Yeah, there you go. Absolutely. You are. You have some tattoos there? What do you got there on your thigh?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
A little flower pot to cover up the fishy smells down there, huh? Oh, shut up. You guys are still groaning this deep end of the episode? You guys are just appalled by what's happening up here?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, that's not really doing anything at all. That's amazing.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
All right. What do you guys, you take her for walks?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So you have your whole life behind you, except for the 10 years you just wasted. What are some big goals for you?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You smoke a lot of pot. She wants her own cannabis business. Cam Patterson licking his golden grill. They don't have real weed out here, so... Anyone thought of business? Cam Patterson, this could be good. Cam's Kush. You want to sell some weed?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I know a place we could get some THCA. You just got to bust through the door and start going up the stairs. It's going to be great.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What's wrong, John? You have your own THCA brand or something?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Why are you offended? Talk into the microphone. I'm offended. What are you offended by?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
But we're not talking. We agree. We do have better weed, but it all comes from Oklahoma. It's grown indoors. And the THCA is what we're talking about. Oh, okay.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
This could be a good business. This could be a good business. You and Cam Patterson starting your own weed company. You can plant it. He could pick it when the- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait a fucking minute. Now, wait a marijuana picking minute. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. Amanda Mercedes, congratulations. Here's a little joke book for you. Here you go.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And that's the minute you did on the biggest comedy show in the fucking world? That was, yeah. Okay, what made you pick that minute? How bad is everything else? Most of my jokes are kind of longer, so. Oh, sounds amazing. Where can we see these amazing long ass punchline-less jokes? Tacoma, Washington. Okay, okay. Like why would that be the noise there?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Amanda Mercedes, everybody. And like that, we have done it. You know, William Montgomery is in Disney World, everybody. However, we do have a special treat for you. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show here to do a brand new minute. You might know the lyrics of his theme song. If you do, you can sing it along with us. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kemp.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
How you doing, Hans? I'm doing great. Fun set. Way to do it. Thank you for having me. Of course. It's an honor to be here. Indeed. Indeed. What's been going on with life, Hans Kim? Let's talk about it.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What did you do to that dog? Did you eat it right there on the spot? You raw dogged it. Old sushi dog. Sushi dog! You do not bite my drone! What exactly did you do?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You talked to the owner at all? The owner of the dog?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
The drone, Asian people love drones because there's no traffic to run into up there. It's very hard to hit something in the sky. Amazing. Cam, what do you think about all this?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And that was it. That's all I wanted to say. You ever think about getting a grill, Hans? Never. I have a bad gag reflex.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Niggas on my teeth. What are you talking about? How bad is this gag reflex? You look like, oh my God, you're gagging right now thinking about it. Is this real? Oh, my God. Are you gagging? Oh, my God. Is this real what's happening? Oh, my God. This might be the greatest interview on Kill Tony history.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Just because you think that like any noise is good? Okay, Red Band. Red Band pulling a real Macy Yo to start the show. This is amazing. Let's just all bomb together, I guess. Whitney coming.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You're just thinking about what your gag reflex would do if you had a grill in and you're gagging right now? Is that correct?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, my God. His eyes are watering. There's tiny amounts of liquid compiling in the corners. Please, teach me.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, my God. He's now picturing a cock in his mouth, gagging. Oh, my God. This is incredible. How is it possible that Hans Kim has the greatest interviews in the history of the show? We always find a way. Exactly. There's always like some new thing we didn't know. There's water running down his eyes. He's able to cry.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Ironically, after saying that shit can't come out of his eyes, he's crying for the first time in the show's history. Picturing. All Asians are squirters. I knew it. Just imagining having a grill in your mouth is setting off your gag reflex. Am I correct? Yes. Have you ever vomited from gagging hard? Yes. You have. So are there other things? What's like your worst nightmare?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What makes you gag the hardest? Can you tell us? Is there something?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
But is there anything else? Is there like a nightmare situation for you where perhaps like maybe one of those ball gags like that you strap around your head? Have you ever thought about having one of those in your mouth? No. What are you doing right now, man? Have you ever pictured being kidnapped and the perp puts an entire banana in your mouth at once? Fully skinned banana.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, just like the tongue scraper. Oh, my God. So what would happen...
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You think you wanted to... Oh, no, that's not really how it works. I don't think lint out of Red Band's belly button would do it. Oh, Red Band sushi. Oh. A belly button sushi art. This is incredible. Has there ever been... The front row is pointing at the tears rolling down Hans' face right now. This is an incredible moment. There are tears coming down both cheeks. Just let them fall, Hans.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay. That's literally just for you, John. I think, yeah, well, I'd prefer it be for everyone. I got a similar roast by Whitney. Okay. For those of you that don't know who Mike Birbiglia is, Google him. Okay, let's get back to Macy here. Is that your real name? Yeah, Macy. Okay. My mom named me after the parade. Oh, I see. Okay.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
No more wiping. Those tears belong to me now. Has there ever been a time where your gag reflex has made you throw up in a public place?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wow. Amazing. Unbelievable. Has there ever been a time where it was, like, in front of a lot of people?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, my God. How did I not know about this? Did you know about this? No idea. This is incredible that we're finding out such an amazing fun fact, like the fact that I can make you... Have you ever thought about, like...
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
In every race. This is amazing. I'm trying to think of fun things that we could do with this right now. It's so hard to think about. Like, what's another nightmare situation for you? The dentist. Oh, yeah. The orthodontist. Oh, yeah. What part of it affects you the most? Is it, like, someone touching your tongue or your back teeth or all of it, the thought of it?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I can't tell you how much joy this brings me. Can you name a time exactly? Do the dentists do anything to help you with this?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, how do they make it worse? By poking around in there, huh?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wow. Absolutely incredible. You know what I'm gonna do right now? I'm gonna give you the chance to win $100,000. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to take both of the grills that these guys have had in their mouths throughout the night. And if you can put them both in your mouth,
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, yeah. Hold that up to Hans' face real quick. Let's see. No, no, no, no, no. We're not gonna do that. There goes Hans Kim, everybody. We did it. Another episode. Whitney Cummings, tell these people where they can find you, where your podcast is, everything.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What's the podcast called again? I've never been on it. I know, because I don't want to ruin our friendship by asking you to come on my fucking podcast. What is it called again? Good For You Podcast. Good For You Podcast. Whitney Cummings, one of the best in the world. Make some noise for Whitney, everybody. I love you guys. Cam Patterson's on tour. Do you got a website yet?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, campatterson.com. Campatterson.com. Cam with a K. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Thank you to our audience, Red Band. Check out sunsetstripatx.com.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, that makes sense. Boom. There it is. Whitney Cummings. That's my dad. Whitney, one for one on non-Berbiglia jokes here tonight. Jesus Christ. I was in the mood to start wars. I was in the mood to start fights. Let's go. So, Macy, let's talk about it because it was horrendous. It's unbelievable. You live in Tacoma full time? Yeah, yeah. And you're visiting Austin right now? Yep.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And was this trip planned around you coming to this show?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And did Mason sign up as well? Yes, he is. Is Mason, like, the better comedian out of the two of you?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Well, we don't know. I mean, he would have to get pulled out of the bucket. I'm not just going to have a fucking... double bomb fucking road trip up here. What are you guys? Hiroshima and Nagasaki?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yes. Mason and Macy over here. Oh, my God. What do you do for work, Macy, yo? Um... I don't work. I love that you think that we're surprised. Some shocking reveal.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay, how old's your daughter? She's 13. Okay, so you waited until she was 10 before you started comedy. Yeah. Wow, okay. Are you a better dad than you are a comedian?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, she probably would that's true so What did you used to do for work? How do you contribute? Does your what does the baby mama work?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay, to people in Tacoma, Washington, she sells cruises?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
46. And what made you want to start three years ago? Why didn't you start when you were younger? Drugs. Okay, what kind of drugs? I used to be on opioids a lot. Okay, what kind of opioids specifically?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You used to smoke opium blunts? Yeah. Even John Deese is impressed. Our senior opioid correspondent, John Deese, has awakened for a moment. You've awakened old sleepy John. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So you would take Vicodin, crush it up, and sprinkle it on blunts?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
My God. Wow. A real Chinese dude. Where did you find this real Chinese dude at? He was a cook. At a Chinese restaurant? At a sushi restaurant. Yeah, okay. And you found him. You're just like, hey... He told me he had opium, and I was like... But what would make him suggest that to you? Like, if someone went in there, you know...
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So what are some of the crazy things you would do after smoking an opium blunt? Like what's the, what's the lowest you ever got?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Big Mike, we call him nowadays. This is medium Matt Muehling over here on the electric guitar. We have Sleepy John Deez on the keys. Sleepy John. And the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, yes. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So, okay, your lowest point was smoking opium with a Seattle Mariner. That seems like it would be one of the highlights in Tacoma, Washington. That seems like it would be the most fun night of your life. Yeah. So what was the most fun you've ever had on opium?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
That's a good answer. That checks out. That was a trick question. The correct answer was that it was impossible to remember how much fun happened. So were you still on opium when you knocked up your baby mama, the super agent? No, I've been good for about five years at that point. Okay. How did you get clean and sober or sober? I just... You don't look very clean.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So do you do that all the time now? Yeah. You smoke blunts all the time. Yeah. And that's what brought us that amazing joke about getting nuked and hiding under desks.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay. I got better jokes, I promise. Why don't you do one? Why don't you do a better joke?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Because you didn't do any of that on your hand, did you? Oh, my God, you have so much shit. You have writing all over your hand, and you did nothing. You said, wow, look, there's a band.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let Joseph fucking say.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Lacking vitamin D. Speaking of D, on the bass guitar, that is indeed D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, what a show we have lined up for you guys on this beautiful Monday evening. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Here we go, you guys ready to start tonight's show?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You're so desperate for a laugh that like somebody sneezing in the crowd throws you off like, is that a laugh? You're like pausing for shit. There's nothing happening here. You have to hit something for it to be funny.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That's your fucking one year in the game? That's your number one go-to? No real fucking... Wow, they're fucking hard. Joseph Paul. Oh, my God. How old are you? Fifty. What? Is that not a wig? I thought that was a wig. Oh, my God. It's Gary Busey. Oh, my God. Wow. For all of you seven-year-olds listening, that's a... He looks like Bruce Willis now.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You said... Is that it? You just have setups for your jokes. Do you know that? You haven't finished... They used to call me Blowjob Boy. Okay. So whoever called you Blowjob Boy should be the one signing up for the show. You see that? Because they're kind of funny. You're just repeating something that somebody called you once. Okay, what do you do for work, 50-year-old? I got laid off.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
God. Do you have any crazy life stories? I was electrocuted. Uh-huh. I believe that. I definitely believe that. Eyebrows flew right off. There you go. Robocop. He does look like powder if he lost all his powers. Can we get a couple more references from the 80s, please, Red Band? Can we get perhaps another Gary Busey or Robocop reference? What do you got? There you go. All right. There it is.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
There we go. He's got a lot of energy tonight. Is there any redeeming quality about you whatsoever? You did nothing funny. I like that it's kind of character-y, but you did fucking nothing. You got electrocuted once, and people made fun of you. What else?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
If it's interesting, my guess is it was a fucking accident.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Fuck my ass, Tony. No, no, no, no, no. Stick with me, Joseph. Fuck me in the ass. Stick with me, Joseph.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
See, you said it there at the end. I have beautiful lips.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Joseph Paul Alampi. There's something in there, man. I see it, right? You can kind of see it. When he gets mad, you can kind of see it. There might be a comedian inside of you. Read another joke off your fucking hand. Well, I went to an all... You've been doing this a year. Hurry the fuck up. Also, keep getting angry at Tony. That was great.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I got to get you out of here, Joseph. Jesus Christ. You know what? I don't think you get a little joke back. Joseph Paul Alampi. Maybe next time. Sign up again, Joseph. James, seriously, do not fucking fist bump everybody that comes out here. It's so annoying. Stop. It's fucking retarded. What are you, making friends? Are you networking here tonight? It's a lonely city. It's not.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Another three-word name coming at you. Ladies and gentlemen, another bucket poll. Clearly, fucking anything can happen. Clearly this show is not produced at all. Hi there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. May is Mental Health Awareness Month and Talkspace, the leading provider of online therapy, helps you face whatever is holding you back with a caring licensed therapist.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
With Talkspace, you're not alone. One in five adults in the US experience a mental health condition each year, but less than half of people who need treatment receive it. It's the Talkspace mission to help close that gap by making high quality therapy and psychiatry more convenient, fast and affordable.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
it's easy to get started you can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider typically within 48 hours talkspace makes getting help convenient you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and exchange text voice or video messages with your therapist too talkspace makes it easy accessible and affordable to face your challenges whether it's a mental health condition relationship conflicts past trauma or everyday stress and find your path to move forward with resilience and peace plus most insured members have a zero dollar copay now let my man
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yes, it has. Take care of yourself this month. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know the origins of this podcast were once just a dream. That dream turned into the podcast and business you are listening to today. Starting your own business is a dream a lot of us share, but too many of us let it remain just a dream. Don't hold yourself back thinking, what if I don't have the skills?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What if I can't do it alone? Turn those what ifs into why nots with Shopify by your side. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. From household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. What if I can't design a website?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
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KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Turn those dreams into... and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. Go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. Make some noise for Isaac Kane Brown. Isaac Kane Brown.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This is Kill Tony, brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, PrizePix, and Takovas. Every single week, I book two of the best guests humanly possible.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow, Isaac Kane Brown. Completely saging the room of Joseph Paul Alampi. Two comedians, six names in total. Isaac Kane Brown, totally different guy. No wigs, no dresses. Jokes. It's incredible what jokes do on this show. Yes, sir. How long you been doing stand-up, Isaac Kane Brown? A little over two years. Two years. Where at? Started in Illinois, Peoria. Okay. A lot of greats from Peoria.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What I love about this show tonight is that this is a booking of two of my favorite guests of the year, two of my favorite guests, people that came through on the clutch for me when the entire world was against me immediately after a specific event at Madison Square Garden. that I did last year. I don't bring it up very often, but I'm bringing it up now because a lot of people canceled that night.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Richard Pryor, Sam Kennison. Yes, sir. And Isaac Kane Brown. What do you do for work? I sell Yukio cards. James McCann has entered the chat. That's some kind of like what? Anybody? It's a trading card game from Japan, but do you have to be in that store?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It works out great. Wow. There's a demand for that, for Japanese playing cards.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
At least you're walking and being real. That makes sense. Yeah, it's scary. There's a lot of people. It is scary. What scares you? Just the idea of being seen?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Absolutely. Selling Japanese cards, doing comedy, and being scared in the park. I love it. What's your love life like? Are you really dating a girl that has red flags?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
He's acknowledging my eyes tonight. My emerald eyes, as Joseph Paul Alampi called them. Whatever the fuck that means. You have your sunglasses on. They're so blue. They are so blue. They are blue. Shockingly, strikingly blue.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You think my eyes are scary now? Wait till you see me walking in the park. No, no, no, no.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm going to find out what park you go to. No. And I'm just going to walk around waiting for you.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This show's so crazy. What a fucking difference one bucket pool makes from the next, huh? This guy's just being honest up there, saying he's scared.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
We know Red Band. We know that they can hold the microphone, Red Band. I love it. So, Isaac Kane Brown, let me ask you. There's got to be something. When you go to the park, you just walk with your shoes on and you just stay on a path? Do you cut through? Do you go on grass? You take a horse sometimes? Sometimes. You have a little horse?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
A lot of people wanted to stay away. And these two comedy fucking warriors are like, let's go. Throw me in. I'm down for you, even when it's dark. I'm down to play with Tony Hinchcliffe. And they are back here with huge projects selling out around the country. Two of my favorite comedians in the world. Two of the best guests in Kill Tony history, including the first regular ever on this show.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That is amazing to me. How about at nighttime? What do you do for fun at nighttime? Eat Go-Gurt. Oh.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What do you like to masturbate to, Isaac Kane Brown? You're the kind of guy that looks like you like jerking off to, like, memories. No.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yes. So what kind of words of encouragement do these ladies say that you're into? Like, what's one that you've heard? I've never even seen this before.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, Isaac Kane Brown, good news for you. We're going to send you upstairs to go get seen by the talent booker of the comedy mothership at Amiga right now. And you get a big joke book. Thank you. Oh, Jesus Christ. That has to be your worst nightmare. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show, too. And you get to do The Secret Show on Thursday. Yeah, you go that way. What other way would there be?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Just like this way? This way towards where I came from? All right, so there you go. That's the two extremes of what can happen here on Kill Tony. It's basically the show's over. We just have to kill time for another hour and a half. But between those two guys, that's what the show is. Some of it's fucking absolute hot diggity dog shit, and we talk to those people.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And some of them are just naturally funny. We'll see what happens next. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chaddo, everybody. Chaddo.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for James McCann and Kim Congdon. Yes. Yes. Kim, have a seat there. James, come over here. Sit right here, James. Come over here. There they are, two of the best. James McCann is back. Many people sang a front runner for Guest of the Year 2025.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Chaddo. Thank you. There you go. Welcome, Chaddo. You've been on this show before.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I feel like there's a huge improvement since the last time you were on this show. Am I correct? Do you feel that?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, five nights a week. And when's the last time you were on this show?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
If I remember, you were so bad, it's one of the worst things to ever happen on September 11th. This is proof. I remember. I remember looking at your face and body and being like, this guy's bad. So it just goes to show, who knows, a few years from now, Joseph Paul Alampi could come back up here and crush. Then I'll be like, didn't you once suck up here?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I bet that kills at the cannabis college. It does. And all the students.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Come on now, everybody. I love it. How do you start a cannabis college? Can anybody do that?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
A good, clear website. An easy-to-spell, easy-to-know website. Nothing like the way to get tickets for James McCann's USA tour, in which you would have to go to jdfmccann.com. That's his website.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
We're working on it. M-C-C-A-N-N. But it's J-D-F, not James McCann, not James McCann comedy. J-D-F, so you could just guess 10,000 times.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Is she killing innocent people, or is there a specific type that she's killing?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That's not what I was saying. Wow. Look at this duo. Just facially. Facially looks like your dad.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, I just look like this. You just look like that. You've just always looked like that. And you can't play a single goddamn instrument.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's great to be back. They love James McCann. He's doing his first ever American tour. That's right, Tony. Get tickets. Why, we're doing Georgia. We're doing other places too. 11 dates. He is one of the best comedians around here at the Mothership and all around the world. Part of the Shane Gillis, Philly somehow mafia, even though you're from Australia.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Same thing, yeah. How do you keep things interesting in the bedroom? 25 years. How often are you guys having sex? Once a month, once a week, once a day?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
How does that go? Is it normally at night, in the morning?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, that's rape, ladies and gentlemen. We just had a rape... Confession here. Because you've got kids who are going to post in.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah. That's what it takes. Instead of locking the door, you should leave it open.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That should get him... Jesus Christ. That should get him out of there. Yeah, I agree. Either that or he's going to come and start jerking off, right? He's out in the room watching mom and dad go at it. He's got pretty good bits. I'm going to use that. He sounds like a real do-nothing. Does he have a job?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Visually impaired? Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with his eyesight?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Have you thought about teaching him how to play bass guitar?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Right, okay. And the daughter lives with your grandma now?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So she's living with grandma, getting banged out by black dudes at grandma's house. Is that pretty much what's going on, you think?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow, so she's kind of out there in the middle of nowhere.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You don't have to, like, if you don't know, yes, I know, yeah, you don't have to just make noise. I mean, Red Band gets away with it every week, but you don't have to just, if you don't have, like, a thing, you don't have to do anything. Last time you were on, you got a little joke book? I did. Well, guess what, Chaddo? Yeah, woo! This time, you're leaving with a big joke book.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
The episode. That's why I love Viya, because they actually make feeling good easy. Half a million customers can't be wrong. Viya is changing the game in natural wellness, combining high-quality hemp-derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create real effect-driven results.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
He found you, he takes you around doing arenas all around the world.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, we love American farms. Via legally ships nationwide discreetly. No medical card required. So if you're 21 or older, check out the link into Via in our description. Use code Tony to receive 15% off free shipping on orders over $100. And if you're new to Via, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your every day with Via. Hi, this podcast is sponsored by PrizePix, the best place to turn your sports knowledge into cash. With millions of members, PrizePix has made daily fantasy sports accessible to all. Run your game all season long on PrizePix. Cash in on the basketball playoffs with PrizePix.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
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KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
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KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. Run your game. We're moving on. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Zach Hollis, everyone. Okay, there's Heidi again. There's Heidi. And here comes Zach Hollis, everyone.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
He's actually a good man. That's how I always felt about Rogan. I'm still waiting for it at some point. I've always been waiting. I'm like, there's got to be a reason here. I mean, I know I'm good. I know he sees me work hard. But at any point, he's just going to grab me by my waist and do whatever he wants with me. And it never happened.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Just a bunch of creepy bullshit. I know. I'm sorry. Wow. That's really frightening, Kim Congdon.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah. It is almost impressive. It's a lot of good topics, a lot of good premises, and just a fun show.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It is the same amount of time that everybody's always gotten on this show. Okay, how long you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
When you say you're doing DoorDash, does that mean you're ordering it, clearly?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You son of a bitch. Get your mind out of the Bronx. No. No. I did not invite you here to make jokes like that, Kim.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow. Okay. Bunch of disgusting fucks today so far. Pulled out of the bucket. This is incredible. Just people, fucking girls whose places smell like cat piss. There's guys with floors filled with shit.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I don't know. $10,000 in the bank. We're going at $2,000 a month. How much money is the wife making?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, apparently. And she's fully supportive of you chasing your dreams. She loves it. Yeah, she's super excited for it. Does she come to your shows sometimes?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And how long have you been with her? Like three, four years now. Okay. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What does she do that turns you on? You into something specific?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, hell yeah. Looks like I could fuck you very easily. All right. Well, What is it? Zach Hollis. Congratulations, buddy. There's a little joke book. Next time I would say take your time and fucking pick your favorite jokes and commit to them instead of rushing through it. There goes Zach Hollis, everybody. Starting a little fire during the show here. A little tiny fire.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Kim Congdon, the first ever regular in Kill Tony history, writing and performing a new minute every week 12 fucking years ago, back when barely anyone was watching. And now you're a legend, doing Brea and Oxnard, May 14th, May 15th, kimcongdon.com, the Kim Congdon Takeover. So you guys know all about the show. You guys are veterans of the game.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Little tiny fire on Kill Tony. All right, let's get another bucket full up here. This looks like an interesting name. You guys having fun out there? Let's meet another one. This one goes by the name of Tommy Tickles, everybody. Tommy Tickles. Hey, we know Tommy.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, Tommy Tickles. Look at you. You're back. I remember you.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I remember you. How could I forget you? You're like a little fucking, you're like a mouse. Well, I'm a farmer and a rancher. You're a farmer and a rancher. And where is that again?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. You have your own little property out there. That's right. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
TommyTickles2025. This guy's trying to make money disposing of bodies live here on Keltoni.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. Wow. Everybody tonight is frightening out of the bucket. I don't know if anybody's keeping track of that. I'm pretty sure that everyone pulled out of the bucket tonight has made a joke about eating either humans or an animal.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's okay. Tommy will just bury you on his property for $50. That's all. What is there to be scared of?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Take note that Tommy is the same age as the first comedian that You never stop dreaming. Oh, and you, your red band's also 50. Tommy Tickles, absolutely incredible. I'm looking better. Yeah, you're looking good, Tommy Tickles. You're in good shape. Last time you let me roast you. I did? Yeah, you ready? Okay, yes, go ahead, Tommy Tickles.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Over 200 human innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket tonight. I'm going to let this fucking little red band fucking stunt man pull the first name. This little fat boy. Hell yeah. And like that, it has begun. While they go wrangle that comedian, when I pull their name, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That's a very good one, Tommy Tickles. That's very good. That's every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I come in my pants when I see two of my good friends, Ron White and Joe Rogan. Give me another one, Tommy. Roast me, buddy.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, I'm 5'9", but all right, Tommy. I guess I'm a fucking dwarf even though I'm taller than you, you old Jesus Christ.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, very good. That's two f***s. We literally, by the way, it's funny, we have a new job we had to make today. We have two people now.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
A fun fact about the backbone behind the scenes of Kill Tony, we don't really reveal stuff often, but we had to hire two people to keep track of every time we say the word f*** on the show because if we accidentally miss it and it goes on YouTube, it gets completely demonetized, therefore wasting time. an unbelievable amount of money. Who are these working at YouTube? That's right.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It turns out it's a computer now. They have a computer and it takes us two humans to compete with their computer because somehow they will find a in an episode. There's nothing you could do to hide
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. There you go. Tommy, I swear to God, you make fun of me one more time, I'm going to fuck the shit out of you. Okay. Here we go. Tommy, you live out in the country. What's some crazy shit that goes on out there? Like, you ever have someone, like, fucking run out of fuel and come up or anything, like, knock on your door? You have guns? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. I love country people.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow. So if a coyote comes, a llama, what does the llama do? They'll chase them off. They chase off. Coyotes are scared of llamas.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Can't a coyote kind of fuck up a llama? No? The size intimidates them, huh?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow, I could just hear him talk about this shit forever.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow, it's incredible. Tell us more what it's like out there on the ranch of Tommy Tickles. What else could one expect? Tickler Ranch? Ew. If we were... If we drove up on your property, what would be some things that we saw or would recognize out there?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and then I conduct an interview and then we all talk to them together. The whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Great.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's incredible. All these other people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight up here trying to keep it together. They seem so stressed out. Then Tommy tickles, drives out from the countryside, having the time of his life, happy to be here. What kind of... What kind of, you got like an old-timey pickup truck, don't you?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Sometimes you got to throw a haystack in the old pickup truck, you know?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That's true. That's a salad dressing joke. Ranch and blue cheese.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted minute tonight is one of our favorite old time, good old fucking golden ticket winners. This guy, a legend, used to be a fucking fraudster on the streets and now regularly doing spots with me on the road, with the killers of Kill Tony, with his own things, with Cam Patterson, always working. It is America's favorite uncle. Make some noise.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow. This is absolutely incredible. What were you about to say just then?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You know what? Here I am being nice. I'm being a nice guy saying I'm more interested in your life. I'd watch a reality show. And then here you are insulting me.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What is this reputation? of mine that people think. I help more people than any, I treat these bucket pools like you treat farm animals. I give them all a chance. Sometimes I fucking psychologically bottle feed them. Tommy, I've been asking people this question. How long have you been with your wife? 13 years. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Oh, she keeps things exciting.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So can you give us an example of a time in which you didn't know whether you were gonna get cut or fucked? Like, what do you mean by that exactly? She storms in or something? Or what happens exactly?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah. I thought it was going to end in you guys fucking. I didn't realize it was going to be a... Yeah, then things got exciting. You guys had makeup sex right after that? Very passionate, this woman. Wow. Was it in the truck or did you guys... No. Back when you got back home.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Right, absolutely. Wow, hell yeah. Well, Tommy Tickles, the last time you were on, did you get a big joke book? Yes, I did. Would you sign it? Okay, yeah, I'll sign it. I'll sign it. Okay, yeah, I'll sign it. Do you want me to do it now? Yeah. Adorable. There you go, Tommy Tickles. That's for you, buddy. Congratulations. There you go. Tommy Tickles, everybody. I bet he's an interesting...
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Interesting follow. I want to see what's going on on that fucking ranch. I want to see with my own eyes. This podcast is sponsored by Built. Attention renters, if you haven't heard of Built, you're about to thank me. Earn your favorite airline miles and hotel points through Built just by paying your rent on time. Let me explain.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
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KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
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KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This is a new minute from David Jolly, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Start paying rent through built and take advantage of your neighborhood benefits. By going to joinbuilt.com slash Tony. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T dot com slash Tony. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T. Joinbuilt.com slash Tony to sign up for Built today.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, we're going to break things up here for a second as I introduce one of the newest golden ticket winners on this show. I'm getting this guy on back-to-back weeks because he has to go back to Toronto and be a very Asian man in Toronto soon. He's going to be there for months. So here he is before he leaves Austin, Texas with a brand new minute. This is Kansai Yasuda.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Hello. Hi. Wow. Hi, Tony. Hello, Kansai. Hello. One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show. You're so stoic. You're so Asian.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You've been in Austin for a couple weeks now. How's it been going for you?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Kim, you idiot. I just offered him a million dollars. Silly bitch. She's out here explaining with many words. Brockman? That is correct. Black man. Black man. There you go. You just won a million dollars.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah. Explain exactly what you mean. What is different about the black culture than what you're used to in both Canada and Japan?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Uh-huh. And I'm like tired, because... You're tired, because he's bringing them home, and they're making noise?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So you had a black roommate, but now you're about to head back to Canada this week, am I correct?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So what is he going to do now that his roommate is leaving?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Right. Yeah, but how's he gonna... Aren't you helping pay rent?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow. This is Trump's America, everybody, to where young black men can support having an immigrant on their couch. Who would have thought the economy would be so good so fast, you know? Me? I did. I thought that's a no. All right. Kansai Yasuda, give us something else. What have you been doing for fun here in Austin? We know that you're working hard. We know that you do a lot of spots.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You're a draw. People are booking you on their shows, especially since you have this new Kill Tony fame, The Bump. The Bump. The Bump.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Uh-huh. So what did you guys do with the two fat cats? Just tried to not eat them the entire time?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, god, that is so Asian. Just two Asian guys playing Mario, playing on the Nintendo.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, are you making fun of me? Everyone's taking shots. All I do is help everybody, and everybody comes up, oh, this lady's shooting imaginary guns at me. This lady in the front row is like...
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Now you want to cheer. All right. Kansai Yasuda, we're going to miss you so much. Have you guys seen Kansai around town?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Are you excited to go back home to Toronto and sit around and eat ramen every day?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Sausage? Sausage. Sausage? Wow, I lived 40 fucking years. I never heard it called that. Sausage. Sausage. God damn. That is fucking sausage. Sausage. Wow.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, no. No, you don't have to make it Italian. You don't have to make it Italian. Just because I extra Asian everything with you doesn't mean you need to Italian it with me. So try this. Just watch me. Watch me. Go sij. Sij. Now go... Now go sausage. Sausage. Nah, it's still a little sage.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You're trying to make it an A. Let's stick with an I here, even though it is an A and a U, but it sounds like an I. Sausage. No, no, not sausage. Sausage. Let's try it one more time. Watch me, watch me. Sidge, sidge, sausage. Sausage. Do it, do it. It's the noise in the end. Sausage, yeah. No, just... Sausage. So Asian. Sausage.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's hard. Okay, let's try it in a full sentence. Waluigi ate lots of sausage.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
God damn it, Kansai Yasuda. We love you, Kansai. You're killing it. Enjoy Canada. We'll see you soon. Thank you. One of the top Young Rising stars on the show. That is indeed Kansai Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're gonna keep, what? Yeah, he's great. Yeah, we love him. We love Kansai Yasuda. All right, your next bucket poll. This looks like a new name.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Alex Tartune. Alex Tartune.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, yeah. One of my favorite lines in all of comedy. That didn't go as well as I thought it was going to go.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Thank you very much. 58 seconds from Alex Tarshun. Am I saying that correctly, Tarshun? Tarshun. Tarshun. Okay, what ethnicity are you exactly?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That'd be real, you know? I love it. David, that was a new minute. This is true, huh? You've been sober for 21 months.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Alex, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About 11 years. Wow. 11 years. Where at?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Right. Okay. How did you end up in New York? Is that where you're from? Oh, yeah.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. All right. And do you live here now? Mm-hmm. Yep. What made you move here? This, baby. Okay, baby. Jesus Christ.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's just the old emerald eyes of Tony Hinchcliffe. That's my new nickname, Emerald Eyes. Okay, look at you. I mean, holy shit. You look like you would be the first pick in the garbage man draft. It is just incredible what's happening here.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm going to need a second here, everybody. So you're saying that you've been signing up for the show for a while and you haven't been getting pulled randomly out of the bucket. And you think that doing different things, for example, not wearing socks would help make you lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
The system works. There's going to be fucking 65 people that stop wearing socks next week because of this fucking moment right here. Wow. What are some other things that you did to help your life? How many weeks have you signed up? This is a question that I always wanted to ask people more.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
20 months in a row. And every Monday you sign up and you don't get pulled out of the bucket. And then this is the first week that you go, what the fuck can I do to get out of there? I'm going to stop wearing socks and look at you now. Wow. Do you always wear the do-rag on your head?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It is incredible because you don't really seem black or Italian. I guess when blacks and Italians mate, it just comes out Persian prince or something like that.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
D Madness saw that little pinky. That is unbelievable. That is the most random thing to say. He's like, well, I don't know if you could see it from there, but I have a very tiny pinky. It's like a blatant thing. Anybody from any distance can notice that you have a shockingly small pinky. That is amazing.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I love the presentation of your small pinky, and you're saying that this is because family members above you, your ancestors, were fucking one another?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Very suspicious. I don't think anyone's believing that. Now that you say it, no one's believing it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Do they have anything wrong with them? Just one's on steroids? What is he doing? Why is he on steroids?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Ooh, wow. That is a ruthless thing to say on this show. Do you and your brother not get along?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Because we bleep on this show now. It's a full, what are we at, seven? Nine, if we count your little buddies. All right. Alex Toshun. I got eight dogs, too. You have eight dogs? Yep. What? Where? What? You live here? Yeah. By yourself? Yeah. And you have eight dogs? Mm-hmm. Are they all outside? No, they're indoors. You have eight indoor dogs? Okay.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What is a big day of celebration for you? When do you tend to be happy?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That is true. Tommy Tickles, you just inherited eight new dogs. Why do you have eight dogs? Explain to us how this happened.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So you left your two dogs alone, unneutered, unspayed. They fucked. Did some of the puppies die? No, I got all of them, all six. Wow. So now, how long ago did that happen? About almost seven weeks. Seven weeks. So you have seven-week-old puppies? Yeah, it's pretty sweet. Are you trying, you're just keeping them? Yeah. You're going to keep them?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, or you need to have a barn. Trump's going to ship these things to El Salvador. That's what's going on. This is a new era we're living in, buddy. No breaking the rules with this new federal government. What kind of dogs are they? Mostly pit bull.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You used to be a real troublemaker. Does that side of you ever creep up? Do you ever, like, get the urge to, like, write a fake check or anything like that?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. Some weird racism. I guess you can get away with it. 50% of the time.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Right. I agree. I can see why. It makes sense. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow, you were expecting the crowd to go wild. Red Band, you've tried this pizza?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, what's the... Normally when someone comes up with a promotion plan like that, they would say where or when the free pizzas would happen.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Now, what do you think this guy's going to do when he gets absolutely overwhelmed with people saying, hey, I'm here from the Kill Tony guy. He said that I'd get a free pizza. What do you think's going to happen at
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's true. I take the stats here. I got it written down here. Tarshun, I misspelled it how it's pronounced. 11 years, African-Italian, New York, Westchester, Little Pinky. Productive incest. I mean, you're ticking a lot of boxes. Eight dogs. So here's a big question for you. All right. I specialize in different cultures and stereotypes. That's my bread and butter.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And now I happen to know for a fact a half black, half Italian is someone that loves women. Yeah. You do. The problem. It's a problem. Let's talk about that problem. Go ahead. Tell us why it's a problem, how it's a problem, some things that have come up in your life. You have eight dogs that you're living with, and you want pussy all the time.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I love you. I love you. That is some real... That's some Black Belt Jedi-level shit. So explain to us where you're finding these deaf women at.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I thought you were talking about the bar or a restaurant for a second.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So how many days after the fall on the knee did your face start getting puffy? About a week. Okay. So you were at rock bottom. They gave you antibiotics, right?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This is the greatest show ever invented. There's nothing like this fucking show. Just to let you know, every other show in the fucking world, the people are vetted. Like the podcast host knows who they're talking to that day. Every other fucking, not to mention television show, everything we were raised on, they know what questions they're going to ask.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
The other person knows what the fucking answer is. They try to make it look natural. This show is so different. What the fuck?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No. You don't. Ever. No one ever has. No one has ever seen a deaf woman with a pile of cash asking to give it out.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Especially great person for the blood that runs through your veins. I mean, Italians are real pieces of shit. You know what I mean? I guess that was too much. All right. God.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. Thank you, Red Band, for all the help that you provide over here. 16 minutes into this interview. I still feel like I haven't gotten enough.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, you're so sweet. This fucking guy. You're unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So this deaf woman changed your life to the point to where you are now into deaf women, but you didn't do anything with her.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Tell us about that. What kind of sick did you get from the black woman? You might be the greatest interview in the history of the show. So honest. Putting on a clinic.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Whoa. I love both. We love both. What else was going on, David Jolly?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, okay. Hold on. I asked... Oh, God. I asked if... You see... I asked if you found her on Craigslist, and you said no. Right?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. Didn't find her. Okay. So you did find her on Craigslist. Yeah. And then your first time meeting her physically was at her house. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And then you got sick. Yeah. And that kind of turned you off from black women.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What made you guys do it in the shower? You both have voluptuous hair. You said that she had an afro. You have what appears to be a throwback.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Hold on. You just met her. It started in the shower. You're both getting over something. What made you guys film it?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wait a second. There's a little pause. A little big smile there. Absolutely. So this was at her house. It was at my house.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You met her at her house, and then you took her back to your house? Mm-hmm. Why? Uh...
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Come on. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Chorizo, Chalupa, Huevos Rancheros. We got the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar tonight.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You had sex at her house. Nope. No. You just met her at her house. Did you immediately take her in your car to your house? I didn't have a car. You guys hung out? Oh, you didn't have a car. How did you guys get from her house to your house? Just walked right home. You walked? Yep. How far of a walk was that?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, there's a big difference between two blocks. Three quarters of a mile. Okay, this has gone way too far. I've been informed by Red Band that it's gone 21 minutes, this interview. Hey. And I don't remember anything about the minute at all, but I'll tell you, you are an unbelievable fucking interview. You sign up next time. I don't want you to ever wear fucking socks again. You hear me?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I won't, bro. I'm going to try to get you out of this bucket again. There he goes. Alex Tarsoon. Wow. Good Lord. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. She'll knock your socks off. All right. It's a tough, tough follow. Tough to follow Alex Tarshun. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Cameron Frisk. Cameron Frisk gets a minute.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
All right, all right. Don't count your fucking chickens over there, Cameron. Welcome. How are you? Is this your first time on the show?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. Well, welcome back. How has life changed since the first time you were on?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, we love Prana. It's a great, great place. East side, 7th Street.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Absolutely. It's all coming back to me now. Prana has a lot of like it's a famous place for like hot chicks to go to.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
The place is famous for having hot chicks, not famous hot chicks.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Because, you know, everything ain't legal out there. Was there a mirror in front of you? Hey, fuck you, Tony. Fuck you, motherfucker.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. I think you're trying to, it's hard to follow the interviewing style of Alex Tarsian.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Get Alex back up here. Get Alex back up here. He's such a... This is what we're going to do. We're going to trade out your boring white guy interview. Hell yeah. Is Alex still here? Can we obtain him?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
He's the man. Alex, get out here! Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return. The long-awaited return. Does anybody work here? Get Alex Tarshun for me. What the fuck is going on? What could he possibly be doing?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So yes, he's in the back, but no, he's not here. How do you know about his gambling addiction? Guys, relax.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Huh. Very interesting. Guy with eight dogs, lives by himself. He has a crippling gambling addiction. Who would have thought?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What else about Alex? Tell us more about Alex Tarshun. I'm just going to interview people.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's a real ass cartoon. Wow. And he showed it to you on his phone?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah. Will somebody, for the love of God, get me Alex Tarshew? I need Alex Tarshun Ace. In fact, never let him leave again. Let's just keep him. Let's do what he does with his eight dogs. Keep him chained up right in the back post here. I was going to say, he can't be far. No, he can't be far. Okay. Cameron, what's the most interesting thing about your life before we get out of here?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And so is the girl's grown up? Does she have a mustache?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What size joke book did you get last time you were here? I got a little one. Okay, that sounds about right. Ah, damn it! Let's give you a medium one. Slow but steady improvement. Appreciate it. Cameron Frisk, everybody. There he goes. Let's get through another bucket full here. Ladies and gentlemen, it goes by the name of Alex O'Brien, everybody. Here comes Alex O'Brien. Alex O'Brien.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Fun fact about Portland. My agent told me this. It's a fun fact. He thought that I would find it interesting. Last week, he told me that there's a theater there that books comedians that makes, still to this day, mandatory that you're vaccinated for COVID if you want to get into this theater. So you could sit around a bunch of people to get sick five times a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You're the worst. You're adorable, but you're the worst. Where are you originally from? Florida? Seattle, Washington. Oh, that makes sense. That makes perfect sense.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I was really good. I can tell. It kind of stuck with you. Some people do enough to where they just kind of stay a certain way.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. Right. What's the most interesting thing about your entire life? Nobody has any idea what you talked about for your minute, by the way. Just a bunch of... Gibberish.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
There's only one thing to do right now. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, Alex Tarshun, everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah, the crowd goes wild. We're upgrading our Alex's. Get the fuck out of here. Alex Tarshun, the world wants more of you. Since you were gone, since you've been gone, we heard, we learned that you have a crippling gambling addiction. Oh, yeah? Who told you that?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
But at least you... feel like you did something. I did that.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Even Matt Muehling just gave a good, oh, fuck. It's like, you are a geyser, my friend. You are just a flowing vat of natural material. Yeah, we heard about it. We heard about it from Cameron Frisk. You know Cameron? Yeah, he's nice. Yeah, you know Cameron. So tell us about this gambling problem.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That's your name? Yeah. Pure bread, like the food. Pure bread retard. All one word? Are there any underscores or anything? Bread like the food. Oh. Bread like the food. Pure bread retard. Yeah. What made you go with bread like the food on that one? Was pure bread retard regular taken?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That's the part that you think got you in trouble? Not the retard part? No, no.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
How bad do you think you are? Pretty bad? I'm more of a math guy. More of a math guy. Okay. Are you good at math?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow, we found... Yeah, I did that one. That's me. We found the cartoon. This is incredible. I drew all that.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
A Tarsoon cartoon. Yeah, that's good. It really is. It is... For those of you wondering what the spelling of this cartoon is, it is N-I-G, comma, N-I-G-G... N-N-I-G-G-A. I don't know if I'm allowed to spell that word. We'll see. We'll see. But it is a real cartoon. Wow. I definitely can't say it, but I think I'm allowed to spell it. Thank you. Wow, how many of these have you made?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Basically, that was going on. Just throwing up gang signs. Incredible. Yeah, yeah. All right, David. Well, way to get the show started. You did it. That was a new 50 seconds from David Jolly. And it has begun. Here we go. All right, let me just say... We don't need to shake everybody's hand as we go off. It's good that you did it with David.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Even your, like, even the, like, 20th most interesting things about you are so interesting.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
My shoes would be a little too big on you. I'm just going to give you my shoes.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Hold on. There's a guy in a Hawaiian shirt standing up. There he goes. I think he's... Oh, he's leaving, everybody. He's leaving. Okay. You got a size 10? Yeah. No, 12's not going to work. No, he's going to get an infection in his face.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Throw them up here. Throw them up here. Ew, wait. Those look terrible. No, pass them back. Pass them back. He's better off. He's better off without. I'll tell you what. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you an automatic minute next week. And I'm going to present a new pair of size 10 shoes to you. A brand new pair. And we're going to go through another interview.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This one lasted 10 minutes. You add that to the 21 before. That's 31 minutes. Technically, I do believe with the two combined, you do hold the record for the most interviewed person in the history of the show. No way. in a single night. I already gave you a big joke book. There you go, Alex Tarshun, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving along.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
We realize that we haven't had a female comedian here tonight, so we're gonna get one up. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Lisa Jane Spencer. Make some noise for Lisa Jane Spencer.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You know David, but... It was an opportunity to do our cool black handshake together. Let's see it. Now I want to see it. Let's do it. Wow. Oh, shit. Wow. All right, David, there you go. Appreciate it. There you go. There he goes, everybody. David Jolly. All right. Oh my God. You know what that sound means? The lovely Heidi has arrived. Wow, absolutely incredible. Old car horn indeed.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
All right. Lisa Jane Spencer, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show, Lisa. We're going to go to our senior Australian correspondent, James McCann.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You guys, the two Australians are creating some kind of feedback here, it seems.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I did have an ending. Okay, what was the ending to the joke that I asked you to do and you just said Nutella three times?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
We just call... Okay, red band. Red band. Okay, you're just Australian what?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
That's another bleep. Even when an Australian says that, it counts. Even though you guys... You can probably say poof-ta, though. Yeah. Poof-ta's our f***. I don't think YouTube knows about Poofta yet. YouTube's robots don't know about Poofta. What does that mean exactly? Sort of a lighten the loafers type individual.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, I love Melbourne. You love Melbourne? I love Melbourne. How? My favorite city in Australia.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Let me show you one. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshun, everybody. I don't know which one's more creeped out by the other right now. Having quite the standoff. She looks scared to death, by the way.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's okay. This guy is one of the most interesting people in the history of the show. You only have to be scared of 40% of them. Have you ever seen anything like that on the streets of Melbourne? No. No, she looks genuinely frightened. I don't know if the cameras are picking it up. Alex, have you ever hung out with an Australian person before? No, not yet. Wow, look at this.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Absolutely incredible. If you were going to take her on a date, where would you take Lisa Jane Spencer?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
All right, your first bucket pool, people. This is where it goes down. This is where stars are born and idiots are found. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony. Your first bucket pool of the night is Joseph Paul Alampi, everybody. Joseph Paul Alampi. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
He's got a weird pinky. She is scared to death, ladies and gentlemen. Again, when she faces you guys, she starts to smile and everything, but when she looks directly at him, there's a specific ghostly look that comes over her face of concern. It's true. I wish we had, like, a reverse camera. I guess we can't really do it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Look how proud he is. He loves his life. He's about to get pussy, dude. He's so cool, I'm buying him a new pair of shoes.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You've got no way to... Look at this. You've heard of love at first sight. This is fear at first sight. A sweet little Australian who did N-word jokes now looking at a half-pinkied inbred Nutella. Okay, Lisa, just because I'm in a good mood, I'm gonna give you a big joke book.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You don't really deserve it for any reason, but I'm just, Alex Tarshun has brought me so much joy here tonight that you're leaving with a big joke book. How about one more time for Lisa Jane Spencer? And how about one more time for the final time, Alex Tarshun, everybody. Guy's been signing up for fucking ever, over a year. Wow, the crowd is on their feet. People on the balcony are standing up.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This is chaos. All right, we'll see you next week, Alex. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and you damn well know that it has to be the ringer of all ringers, the Memphis Strangler. It is. the Vanilla Gorilla, the one and the only, the Big Red Machine, the Hall of Famer. This is William Montgomery.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow. Wow. Damn. We know who the interview of the night was, but my God, let there be no question, the set of the night goes to the man who's done it more than anybody. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times, and meanwhile, here he comes, swinging his sledgehammer of destruction yet again, and you did it with a do-rag on.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Eight dogs and a lot of pizza. Yeah. My goodness, but totally worth it. The hardest I've laughed all night was on your entrance. Your material followed the entire way through. An entire 60 seconds of laughter. All gas, no brakes. The Big Red Machine has arrived.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It hurts so bad. Let me just warn you, you might have a face infection in no time. Yeah, I hope not.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Basically, cellulitis is kind of an extension of that, I think. A lot of you know that I'm a Canadian doctor. You're going to put him down? We're not going down that path again. Okay, so, William, you look fantastic. You're absolutely glowing, if I could say so. Have you been on tour?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, there's James McCann, your fellow... I know, it is so nice to see a fellow ginger friend.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, the crowd wants it, James. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. James McCann. I think his pinky's getting shorter in real time. Somehow you look totally different than everybody. Shut your bitch ass, .
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I can't believe you said that. The do-rag is too powerful. Give me my hat back. James McCann is on a USA tour. Get tickets at jdfmccann.com. William lights out. Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour. Kim Congdon's on tour. Kimcongdon.com with a C-O-N-G-D-O-N. She's a Brea. May 14th. Oxnard. May 15th. James McCann is everywhere. It is a true American tour. Again, J.D.F.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah. ExpressVPN ZipRecruiter prize picks in Tacobas. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. It is incredible. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys. No doubt about it. Here we go. London, England. Madison Square Garden. Everything's right around the corner. A lot of other fun stuff.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Another more huge announcements and everything nonstop with this goddamn show. Somehow it just continues. On and on we go. Live audience, thank you. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. James McCann, Kim Congdon.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Wow, shockingly, unbelievably, incredibly, unbelievably, shockingly bad. I mean, just, wow, nothing Kim Congdon.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's Adam Gay. Okay, Red Band, maybe put that fucking mic down permanently. Lock it up. Lock that up.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I am so intrigued by how bad that was, Joseph Paula Lampie. How long have you... Over here, Joseph. Look right at me. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About a year, two years. About a year.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It seemed like that was very improvised. What do you have written down on your hand there? I love talking to you now, this like real guy that's like, fuck, I fucked up. Some dude in a wig that just like fucking bombed, man. I love it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm a cuckoo in a moo moo. Okay, so you still definitely had nothing prepared. Like I feel like if I put that dress on a wig on any other dude in this room, they'd be like so much funnier than you, right?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, all right. So let's just, Joseph, stick with me over here. Over here, Joseph, you ready? So you've been doing it a year. Give me a joke that you prepared for tonight, like something that you would do, like where you're like, all I have to do is say this like this, and this will work. What was something that you had in your head, on your hand, written, anything? What do you got there?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. Absolutely incredible. What do you got? Tequila. I love it. Brought to you by Pepto Bismol. This is Kill Tony. Your first bucket poll of the night, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of Remy Swice, everyone. Remy Swice.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I tell these guys before this show, always, I tell the guests the same thing. Whatever you do, don't be funny during someone else's minute or else the people at home are going to think that this comedian's doing good and fucking Tyler Fisher just can't help himself. He has to bust out the Pepto and fucking... Okay, Remy, you're a psycho. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me back.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Thanks for having me again. You've been on before? Yeah, last year. Appreciate you having me, yep. Okay, all right, Jesus. What are you, on Adderall or something? No, not yet. Cam, what do you think about this?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, we got it. Okay. Are they still there, your parents? Yeah, they are. Okay, what do they do in the Middle East? Oh, no, in Oklahoma. Oh.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Why would they drive when they could have just taken one of the carpets? They've got this all backwards. Your people are known for this.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How long have you been doing stand-up? Hardcore for about three years. When you say hardcore, what exactly do you mean? Is that a taste of the hardcore comedy that you've been doing?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, red band, relax. Jesus. Okay. No idea why that sound effect should be there, but... Oh, because it's hardcore. Red band. So good. So good. Okay, so you were doing it hardcore. Hardcore. Yeah, yes. And then what happened?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right, there's a lot going on here, I guess. Okay, so... What was the job that you were doing in which you couldn't do comedy as well? I helped run the family business. What was the family business?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Pita, gyros, and carpets. Okay. That's up. Yeah, we are very close to a terrorist attack, ladies and gentlemen. So what do you do now? How do you make money now that you get to do comedy so hardcore?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, that's crazy. Yeah, what the fuck? That's a crazy thing to have. I thought Pepto-Bismol was weird. He's like, I got a knife. Okay.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I get attacked all the time outside. It really is one of the cutest knives I've ever seen. What do you do? Butter your fucking biscuits with that thing? Open up letters. Oh my God. What is that? Kill somebody. Is that for grapes? Whoa, look out. For grapes. Yeah, I cut my grapes with it. Someone need their garlic sliced thin? Okay. So, Remy, tell us about your life. Like, what's been going on?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, there you go. You have a little joke book from last time? The small one. Yes, that is correct. That would be the one that you should have.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You don't think I... All right, there he goes. Remy Swice, everybody. Hey, thanks, everyone. On to the next one. This bucket pool is from the inside. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know, therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most insurance providers. Did you know that most insured members have a $0 copay? That's right, Tony.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
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KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony, promo code Space80. Hello there.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like all birds are skims, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand, and brilliant marketing, but an often overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Speaking of checkout, you should check it out. That's right, Red Band. The not-so-secret-secret ShopPay, which boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and more sales going. That's right.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling, on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between. Because business is the one to grow. Grow with Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Skims uses.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash killtony, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash killtony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash killtony. It could be one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joshua Yellis. Joshua Yellis. Is that Joshua back there, crossed and over? Joshua, is that you? Back there. He's coming from the side.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, he's coming from the back. That's just a man urinating right there. Come on, Joshua. Now's your time. Now, normally, people from the inside tend to not do good. It tends to be a lot of people that, I've always wanted to try this, and I wanted to see how it would go. I thought it would go better than that. But it could also be, you know, the next great talent.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, okay, I'm going to stop you, Joshua. Holy shit, man. Yeah. That is such a specific story to you in your life. Yeah. Yeah. You're like trying to make it relatable to everybody. Everybody's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm trying.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wild. Let's talk about it. You ever do stand-up before?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It was my first time on stage. Talking to the microphone. Everyone was trying to tell you. I had to stop people from trying to fix your set for you. Because we had already tried. Yeah. Talking down here, right down here. That's not really how it works. It's like this.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Love you so much. You haven't even married your wife yet? This is crazy.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you might want to knock it out. Get a prenup. When does this come out? So Joshua, what do you do for work? What exactly do you fix with a wrench?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Tell us what it's like out there on the road. Tell us some tricks. What do you urinate into? What do you, how do you?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right. Tell us a wild story from you being out there on the road.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Not a lot of crazy stories. Give us an interesting... No lot lizards. I'm not over the road, dude. Okay, give us an interesting fun fact about your life before we get you out of here and back to obscurity for absolute ever.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So, Joshua, most interesting fun fact about your life. You have an entire life to reference here before I let you go. This is your final question. What about your life? Anything.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Get the fuck out of here. Oh, fuck you. Get out. No joke, but go. Get out.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right. Imagine if everybody did that, just signed up for the show and was like, I love my wife. I just came here to say that I listen to this show and I love my wife. What the fuck, man? All right. Your next bucket bowl. Hopefully they want to do something in comedy one day. Make some noise for Billy Sherman, everybody. Here we go. Billy Sherman.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Billy Sherman. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up, Billy? About 10 plus years.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Two of my favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. One is, of course, a legendary regular on this show. The other is truly one of the greatest guests in this show's history. He is an absolute superstar. Make some noise for both of them, everyone. It is Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, yeah. A whole episode. the very funny Tyler Fisher, the great Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Congratulations. Thank you. Are you a fighter? Jiu-jitsu? What is it?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I work for Jews. What kind of, what exactly is your, like, day-to-day work like?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What do you mean you're trying to make sure no one gets evicted?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. A lot of meth. Okay. What kind of car do you have, Billy? You are built very strangely.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Old guy division, yeah. Okay. All right. What's your love life like?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You said watermelon. Looks like it. What is it that you prefer about black women over other women? What do you think it is?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What is going on? I lost you here just a minute ago. Something's going on.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you could do it. You could do it? Why not? Let's do it. Let him take some Pepto-Bismol. Oh, wow. He actually did do a shot of Pepto-Bismol there. Oh, this is incredible. Look at all the layers on this Christmas ornament that we call Tyler Fisher. The human Christmas ornament. And then we have what appears to be... This guy is literally... Oh my goodness.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Welcome to the all new Broadway musical. It's Meatball and Pasta. Oh, this is gonna be hilarious. This is the moment of truth right here. Turns out the shirt is huge on Tyler, by the way. Lot of space. Wow, actually. Whoa. Incredible. It looks good. That looks better than your original shirt. Way better. Thank you. It's 40 bucks, bud. Very good. Thank you, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Frankly, he could be the wall. All those ethnicities just turned into Mexican real quick. That is fucked up. I got to get back to my construction job, you see. That is incredible. It took like 10 years off of you, too. You look like a little kid with facial hair down. I'm 10 pounds, though. I've got the gut. You weren't tricking anybody in this show. Billy, what do you like to eat?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're back, baby. They are on tour. TylerFisher.com, CamPatterson.com. They've got websites. They're on the road doing gigs, selling out everywhere they go. Hi, Cam. What's up? I got a website now, nigga. You got a website. I love it. And it is. It's campatterson.com. You were able to secure it. Hell yeah. You went your first couple years with no website.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow, Red Band is hard as a rock right now. This is just everything he loves. Okay, Billy, congratulations. Fun times. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Thank you. He really wanted to catch it, and he did. He focused there, and he caught the joke book. Wow. That's my favorite dress. That's my favorite shirt. Yeah. Tyler's got a new favorite shirt. Does it smell?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Udmi Sharma. Udmi Sharma. Looks like a... Oh, yeah. Yeah, all right.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yumi Sharma. Yes, sir. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Two and a half years. Do you always dress like an Indian magician?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Every room is a dark room when you and your people are in it. Tyler Fisher. You know exactly what that means. This guy doing the Deion Sanders podcast in his spare time. I never get an invite for that one.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my God, he got me! Gay! Say, just say gay! I love it. Unbelievable. What do you do for work, you and me, Sharma? Take a guess. Why don't you just answer the fucking question? Fair enough, fair enough. It's tech. I do tech. Who could have got? Absolutely. Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
37. And you've been working tech pretty much your whole life? About six, seven years. Okay. What exactly do you do in tech?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I do, yeah. And so phone calls just come to like a second phone that you have and you help people?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It may be recorded for you. I'll drop it down two octaves so that you can stop thinking about my dick and asshole for a second, you horny Indian fuck.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You'd me. What's your love life like? Dating somebody, yeah. You're dating someone? You did get Indian there for a second. Did you hear that? I'm dating someone. D-Madness heard the word gay five times in two minutes, so he has to take a break. He's famously homophobic. He goes back there and hits a punching bag when gays get mentioned on this show. So, Youdmi, what does your girl do for a living?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Pinker girls. She works in tech, too. She works in a hospital. Hospital. A nurse. She works at a local hospital. What does she do at the hospital? Nurse. She's a nurse. Okay. Did she ever bring any of her, like, drama home? You know what I mean? Like, oh, today there was a guy who lost his arm or whatever. Sure. Every now and again. Okay. Does any one of those stories stand out to you?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have anything that you do? Are Indians known for something?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I said I don't want to show anything. Right, because that would be gay. That would be gay. Can you describe them with words, what your go-to is in the bedroom? She's Indian as well? No.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. I love what the confidence that you have for a guy shaped like Indian Santa Claus. It is unbelievable. I wonder if I could fit in his shirt. There's some room, get in here. Can I just keep trading shirts with him? Just keep trading it? Do you think you could fit in this shirt? I cannot. Come on, let's do it.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yudmi, tell us more about your life. What else are you into? What's fun about Yudmi? Yudi. No, no worries. That's a...
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're going to have some fun tonight. 279 human beings signed up for this opportunity. Their names are in this fucking bucket. Anything can happen. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That's their 60 seconds and they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bears. I let this public defender in the front row pick the first name tonight.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Are you from L.A.? I am. Born and raised? Born in India, grew up in L.A. How old were you when you moved to L.A.? Nine years old. Nine years old. What part of L.A. do you live in exactly? West L.A. West L.A. By the beach? By the airport? Culver City. Culver City. I know all about it. What do you love about Culver City? It's a location. It's pretty close to... Have you noticed anything about L.A.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
change in the past ten years? There were a couple fires. I don't know if you guys heard about those. Those were interesting. Not exactly what I'm talking about, unless you're talking about the police cars being on fire. Anything else that you've noticed about the culture?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's back to the ladies again. You were a horny motherfucker, huh, though? Ah, well. He really is. There's a lot of energy there. Where'd you meet this Latina that you found? Hinge. Okay, do you go a lot on the dating sites? I try to. Go on a lot of dates? What's your go-to move? Where do you like to take a girl on a date?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Got me again. Got me. Everyone remember when he was scared to take his shirt off because it was going to exist on the internet forever?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Dirt Kreischer. It was a little joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Thank you. There goes Yudhi Sharma. Thank you. Let's fucking, let's juice up the room a little bit. You know, it's been kind of fucking, we've been missing some energy in here. I think it's time that we bring in one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, ladies and gentlemen, and an absolute anomaly.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're going to go wrangle that person. And well, they get brought over from the bar across the street where we store all these comedians that are hoping and waiting that a human with a headset will walk over and say their name and whatever, a signed fucking number, however they do this thing. We have one of the greatest comedians that we've ever known that is part of the show.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You were all great. There it is again. The one and the only. You too, white. Ari Matty. We love it. There is no question. Everyone agrees with everything you just said.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No ass, no titty. Has there ever been a female star that big, like a musician that big, that doesn't have an ass? See, exactly.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
She's not as fat as she was. Show us a current picture of Lizzo.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Lizzo. We're talking about Lizzo, Red Band. He's trying to think of something mediocre to say, so he doesn't even know what we're talking about.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It looks like if someone dipped Red Band in milk chocolate. It's crazy. You're just thinking about how big she was before.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I ain't say shit. Taylor's got no ass. Lizzo has no eyes. The world is crazy. Blonde Lizzo. Yeah, she's huge. All right, Maddie, what else is going on?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I don't know if he's, I guess he's a golden ticket winner. I don't really know. He's just like one of those outlier legends. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Cam's uncle. America's favorite uncle. This is the one and only. Here to get it started with a brand new minute. This is David Jolly.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What the fuck, the wheel was so red, man. It is very true. It is your traditional, I guess it is indeed part of the culture, much like having a big entourage, having a dad. If you're a black dad, one thing that I've learned, and maybe this isn't everybody, but just my own personal studies.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
is that if the black dad is present in the black young achieving artist's life or athlete's life, and yes, it is a big F. Thanks for adding that in. That is Fox News contributor Tyler Fisher. But if they are in the young artist or athlete's successful life, they do tend to be the one that takes the check. that kind of, like, deposits it and does everything. I asked him about that thing.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, they'll show up. So funny. They will show up. I've had a couple black men pop into my life claiming to be my long lost father. Okay, red man. Jesus Christ. the wheel three times in a row there, man! Crazy. It's crazy. That shirt is so red.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. It's not exactly pronounced Schnecktadaddy, but I like the way Ari says it, so we're going to stick with it. But yeah, it's upstate New York, not far from the Canadian border probably, right? Probably an hour away. No idea.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Are those proud Canadians over there? Is that the pop that I'm hearing? Nope. Perfect. All right. Is that by Rochester? Whoa. There they are. We found them. There's the upstate New York people that hate Rochester.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my God. The place is chaos. I stand on that, too. Upstate New York, a highly debated topic. Is it worse than hell? He was bleak.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
There you go. Not actually gay, everybody. I know who Josh Allen is, and I did know what the bean was. All right. Flag on the play. Okay. Lying by the homosexual. 15-yard penalty. Third down. Yes, okay. Redpan. A lot of Red Bull for you today, huh? Jesus fucking... It's like fucking Beethoven on a soundboard over here. You need both hands, Redpan.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Anything else crazy, Ari, before we get back to this bucket?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You are always rock solid with your minutes. Absolutely incredible. You've done it again.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Bye. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Craig Baxter, everybody. Craig Baxter. Here we go. Oh, hell yeah. Let's go.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm going to cut you off there, Craig, before the bear steps in. Step on that red X over there. Get way over there where you should be. All right. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show, Craig. How are you? Great. How are you doing? Great. It was an okay performance. Good news, I have 438 questions to ask you right now. All right. What do you got? I love it. You are an incredible specimen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
51. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About since 2013, 10 years. Okay, where have you been doing this? Under like corporate parties or something like that? Is it some kind of, where are you doing it at?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Erie, PA, I know it very well. Not far from where I was raised in Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, yeah? Yes, you know of Youngstown? Absolutely. About what, what is that, about an hour away? Yeah, yeah. Yep, okay. What do you do for work in Erie, PA?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, I don't know if you know this, but Cam is also a grape juice quality controller.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I like this guy. You have a real look to you. Craig, I gotta know. I mean, there is no question. You live alone? Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. There is no question. I've asked almost everyone, probably about, I would have to guess, 70 to 80% of all the bucket pools, I've asked if they have any hobbies. Now, I'm going to get there, but I'm not asking yet.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a hobby, but you have hobbies. You are the kind of guy that has a fucking room dedicated to something. The walls are covered in it. They're in collectible film. There's something going on here. Might be trains. Might be cars. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you for adding so deeply to this. Thank you even more.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
But there is no question in my mind that you are a man of many hobbies.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
A super athlete. I wouldn't have guessed that, actually. Are you the guy that was choking out the meatball jujitsu guy earlier? No. All right. Wow. So you're in good shape, huh?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right. Absolutely. Well, some people are asking to take it off. This is a very wild show. Wow. How many of you guys think Craig and Tyler should trade shirts? I like that shirt. Let's do it. You want to try this one on? Yeah, let's do a little switcheroo. Tyler has tossed me the knife. This is absolutely incredible what's happening here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This shirt is going... What's going to be funny is when Craig goes back across the street to the bar and runs into fucking Remy Swice and is like, hey... Where the hell did you get, that's my favorite shirt. Wow, incredible. Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on. Honey, I shrunk my panel guest. This is incredible. Absolutely adorable, Tyler Fisher. Oh my goodness, wow.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This is a full switcheroo. Wow. Wow. Yeah, yeah, turn around. This is incredible. Welcome to Bill and Ted's Not-So-Excellent Adventure. Looks like Josh Potter. I don't even know which one's which now. This is incredible at this point. Somehow, somehow Craig Baxter looks young. Craig's like that hot chick in a rom-com. Takes the glasses off, turns into a stud.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm like, what are you, collect trains? He's like, I'm a triathlete. This is incredible. Craig, you need to get the fucking LASIK, bro. All right, band, everyone, settle down. Let's check in with Tyler Fisher here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's incredible. There's no doubt about it. This does look like... Right? If you didn't have facial hair, I would call the police on this duo right now, Tyler.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
The kid from behind, the pedophile from the front. It is unbelievable. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Tyler, come back over here. Keep the glasses. I want to talk to Craig without his glasses. Craig, are you aware that you literally look 30 years younger without the glasses on? You look good, dude. You look like a good, decent human being.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Now, what does it look like? What's the difference between glasses and... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Scam Patterson has arrived, everybody. Hey, can you give me your... Hey, give me that routing number, girl.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This is terrible. I could tell your eyes are bad, Craig, by the way that you buttoned your shirt. You came in with your shirt tucked in. Now you have the eighth button up on the fourth button down.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It is. So let's talk about it. How bad is your vision? Can you drive without glasses?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So it's really bad, huh? How many fingers am I holding up? How many fingers am I holding up?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm going two to four. That's a good guess. That is a very good guess. Oh my God, what the fuck is going on? Jesus fucking Christ, man. This is crazy. Holy shit. She's blind, bro. Wow, you are fucking halfway to D-Madness land, dude.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, I'm still fucking banned from that airline, so... So, Craig, what is exactly going on with your love life? I gotta know. Like, you just haven't... What are you into? Big booty Latinas, or...?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I love this guy, man. I know. He is fantastic. Are you on like the dating apps or something?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You don't need to ask them if they're on the dating apps. Just do the joke.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We love it. We love it. So, Craig, like, tell me, your last, like, date, what was that? Let's just go with the last one. Like, where was that? How does that go down? Where do you find this person? Turn your hat backwards so we could all see your face. Fuck yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I understood about 12 words. It seemed funny. Hell yeah. It was funny, though.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So your last one was a hike. Nothing happened there. How about the last time you got some action? Where do you find this innocent victim?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
When was that? Ballpark. Year, ten years? About three years. Okay. And so was that your girlfriend at the time or something like that?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Good-looking triathlete girl. And do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Do you have any tricks to please the ladies? Like the calculator or something like that? Okay.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, the tongue guy. Craig, slipped a coin and answered correctly. You are correct. What is your trick with the tongue? What do you do?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. And let's see. Do you have any rhythm? Oh, my. Well, I wasn't actually expecting that. When I said, let's see, I was going to ask about your rhythm. I didn't realize you were going to say, and you were going to start eating air pussy over there.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
He has a pussy for an ear. He has a cauliflower ear. It's a whole thing. Okay. Man, Craig, you are such an interesting guy. I feel like I could talk to you forever. Fun times up here. You still live in Erie?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
kill tony but i mean you just came and you signed up this is your first time signing up and yeah i was just gonna do a bunch of comedy stuff get out of the snow i love it perfect and it worked out for you here's a big joke book craig just because i love your interview andy caught the book absolutely incredible wait let's uh hold on take out the glasses and i'm gonna throw you one of these little joke books and i want to see if you can catch it i'm not gonna hit you in the face i'm gonna leave it short just so you know i just want to see if you could do it ready yeah
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'll see you in the van. You have a new shirt. All is even. You got a new joke book. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Craig Baxter.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
He had a fun time. No one needs to get murdered because he had a good time. We're all safe here tonight. Oh, you know he's having that time of his life. There's going to be a grave rob tonight. Just a mutilated corpse of a woman being ravaged while his bare ass bounces up and down with never-ending triathlete cardio. Just fucking a corpse all night long.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That is a guy that never goes out of breath. and he can see police coming from six miles away. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Guana. Guana, everybody. G-uana, perhaps. Guy-wana? G-wana? It is inside? It doesn't say inside. Is this Guana? Keep coming, Guana. Well, you saw how it went earlier with an inside bucket pool. I've tried to warn you, we will see how it goes again.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Usually a fan that has seen the show and doesn't answer questions directly. Very exciting stuff, but anything could happen. This could be a prodigy, everybody. It could truly be the next regular or golden ticket winner. This is Guana.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I hate this show. I hate it. We've been doing it too long. I think we beat the game. I think it's over, everybody. It's just wild what's happened.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Relax, relax. Hold on. You have to... You scared of this young white lady?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It takes time. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't cup the mic like that and just talk whenever you want. Okay, Tyler Fisher.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Like, Guana. Oh, that bitch crazy. This bitch is an insane person. She is something else. Guana, is that always... How long have you gone by Guana?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. So, uh... How many times have you been to prison?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What were the people that you were staying with doing? Cam?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right, right, right, right, right. But what was the offense that sent you? What did you do? What did the cops say that you did?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. See, that's, we're not doing that.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I feel people going to Taco Bell all around the country right now just so they can hide their marijuana in an open cardboard box so that anybody can smell it, but you cannot for the life of you find it.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Got ya. How about the second time you went to prison?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How about the... That's a great point. I am saying prison... Like a savage over here. I just assume you're at a full-time prison. But what have you been to jail for? Let's name some more fun offenses here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. What were the offenses that sent you to jail? Yeah, get real.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, they put you to jail. Hold on, okay, all right. Okay, everyone relax. I told you these bits escape. It's wild. Three sound effects at once.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well... Hold on, okay. When did you try to kill yourself?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How did you try to do it? How did you try to kill yourself?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You do door dash. She don't got no pinky, but she a tattoo artist. People, well, you're probably right-handed, right? It's my right hand.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You also have working man's face, Guana. Let's talk about it. Okay. We're having fun here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Guana, let's go through the pinky slicing moment here. How did that happen?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. That was a long way to get there. Kiwana. Let's talk about it. What else do you do with your life when you're not doing art or... Everything. Let's just rattle some things off.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That is incredible. Would you guys like to switch pinkies for the rest of the night? I would kill for a pinky that big.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Wait, no, okay, you were on the inside tonight. You've been to the show tonight. How did you end up here?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, I'm glad that you had fun, Juana. How exciting. Here's a little joke book. Yeah. Yeah. All right, we're having fun here tonight. It's a wild bunch, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know. There used to be... How about another hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right, everyone? My goodness. Saging the room after Guana was up here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Reactivating our... All right, your next bucket bowl goes... We still having fun out there? Make some noise for Chris Berlin, everybody. Chris Berlin. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's my time. Okay. Chris Berlin. That was funny. How are you doing, Chris? Chris, stop fucking shaking Cam's hand. Cam, relax. Jesus Christ. What is this? The Handshake Show? What the hell is going on over here? Chris, stand right there. Hello. How are you? I'm well, thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What the fuck going on, bro? Tell us what's been going on in your life.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You play drums. Oh my God. Let's just wait a second here. Hold on, everybody. Hold on. Hold your horses.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No, I have fingers, but... Okay. Okay. Okay, so are you being serious?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Did they shoot it in both shoulders? They did. Really? What made you get a second one? Well, no, no, no. And listen, so... Are you fucking with me? Is this like an MSNBC prank show where it's like, trick a patriot?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. That is so sad. There you go. There's a little Mexican music. All right. So did you notice any other side effects, Chris? Other than losing use of your shoulders, probably.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Where do you live? Talk right into the tip of that microphone.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. When did you move here? I moved here in July. And where were you before this?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I should have just fucking done it. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Creative director. So what are you creatively directing?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. All right. The mouthpiece. What exactly do you mean by that?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Crypto news, okay. How's that going for you? You making money in crypto?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, let's talk about it. Gotta fuck them hoes. Have a sip of my delicious chocolate milk while you talk.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Explain to us all why you believe in it. We very rarely talk about crypto on this show.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Is this your little sister, Kim? Who's Solana exactly? We love Solana. That's one of the Destiny's children. It's... So...
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Through my cleaning lady. I give it to my cleaning lady.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, that seems trustworthy. How could that ever go wrong? Are you doing pump and dumps? Is that what you're doing? Like all that bullshit? No, no. What do you do? You just hope to get lucky? You just trust another human? No, we're building an ecosystem. Okay, forget it. Chris, what do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Your arms, for a guy with shoulder injuries, you're moving around like a fucking, like one of those inflatables that he used car lot. You're like, I lost use of my shoulders years ago. I can't play the drums. I can't surf.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Sorry, Cheryl. RFK, how do you feel about this? This is exactly what you've been talking about. You and everyone else with common sense. It's about the vaccines.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm anti-retardation. What do you think he should do? Would you have any exercises?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Chris, have you tried playing the drums since this injury? No, I haven't. It kind of seems like you can. Do you guys believe in miracles, everybody? Here's a drum solo from Chris Beskin. Oh, okay, Michael has a great idea. Very rarely do I take my band seriously at all, but I heard Michael's idea and it sounds fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the Black Blind Drum Off, everybody.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This young man, Chris Beskin, is going to do a drum solo, and then D Madness, Blind, is going to do a drum solo. Ladies and gentlemen, going first, this is Chris Beskin. If he wins this competition, he will have to lose his eyesight.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's okay. There he goes. Chris Beskin. Everybody wants to see the blind guy do it. Get up, Chris. Get up. Get up, Chris. Watch your head on the microphone there, Chris. Here he goes. You've never seen anything quite like it, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
This is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drums. Welcome to my little freak show that I call Kill Tony, everyone. D Madness getting into position. Somehow nailing the landing better than Chris Beskin. He is in his seat. And ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
He's making some adjustments here. This is indeed D Madness, everyone.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
ExpressVPN ZipRecruiter and PrizePix proudly presents another episode of Kill Tony. That is de-madness, ladies and gentlemen. Undisputed, undefeated. The grand champion of Kill Tony. The mac daddy of them all, laughing his ass off. He fucking loves it. Bitch ass having no shoulder, having ass bitch. Just talking shit the whole way to his seat. Yo, bitch ass shoulders. Chris, I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Gentlemen, that's the best damn band in the land. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. You have made it. How about one more time for Matt Muehling here on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys behind me. This is D Madness live in the flesh.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Are you hurt over there? You look, oh my God. Now people, the fucking internet's gonna be like, God damn it, Tony fucking, Tony and his ego made that innocent guy play drums. Now he's a victim. Tony hurt that guy while he was living his dreams. Are you okay, Chris? We're good, right? We're good, we're good. Okay, I'll give you an aspirin after this.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Got some good Advil cooking up in the front here. So, Chris, tell us something else crazy about your life. You seem like an interesting guy. You seem smart and cool. I loved the set. I really did.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I think Gratuity is the woman's name that you fucked in the first place. Gratuity Jenkins, head register, In-N-Out Burger.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I love that. Chris, here's a big joke book. Thanks for coming on the show. Great stuff. Great spirit. Great energy. You're good. You're good. You're good. There goes Chris Beskin, everyone. Adorable. Another perfect example of... Big Pharma's... Anyway... Let's just keep it moving along here. This is a one word name. Those are usually very fun. Let's see what happens.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Do you have any tricks to getting dogs to calm down or to stop barking or anything?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you're like the dog terrorist or something. Yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How do you, what is your secret to calming dogs down?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Matt Muehling, dog aficionado. Matt Muehling is cracking up over there. He reads, it's a small breed. Matt says it's a very small breed. Is this true? Wait, I'm really high, so I might be thinking of the wrong breed. No, you're right. Matt's wrong. This dog is fucking huge.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You pictured a Pekingese. Pekingese is the tiny dog, yes. I got that. Mr. Me, Mr. Not Know Anything, Mr. Bean. I knew it was Pekingese. I had a Pekingese once. Yeah, back in the day. So these dogs were huge. What were they trying to do to you? Did they think you were one of them?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. And your mom is the Mexican? Dad's the Egyptian?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Like, can you give an example of... Oh, of like an old person? Like, what would your grandma say?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yep, he's the Mexican. That would be the farmer. How about your mom? Does she have a job? She used to be a teacher? She does taxes and stuff like that. That's Egyptian. That's an Egyptian thing. Okay, what do you do for fun when you're not taking care of the dogs and everything?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What are the dogs' names? What are the four dogs' names? My dogs? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That is a pastry, yes. I'm getting caught in my pastry. I've rattled off a lot of pastries.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
K. Fuck! You have a girlfriend, Longoria? No. Okay. You go out on dates ever? Sometimes. You get girls back to your place? Are they overwhelmed by the dogs? No, I have four dogs. Fuck that. Right, your place is you and the dogs.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. All right. No girls allowed, though. No girls allowed.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's a boys club. What are the breeds of the dogs that you have?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. So it's like you, half terrorist. Yeah. All right. What's a fun fact about you or your life that would surprise us?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Open ice. I am the wall. Normally your people avoid ice at all costs.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Longoria, fun times. I liked your jokes, man. I don't know what's cool. I already have one, dude. You do? You've been on before? Fuck yeah, I was on. You just weren't wearing the hat last time?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. There it is. Incredible. All right. Longoria, thank you so much. There he goes again, Longoria. He's already got a big joke book. Thank you. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we should put a ribbon on it. We've had a fun episode. We've had a blast. There's only one way to end an episode like this, if you ask me.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
And it is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show, an icon. A man who God himself says has a greater healing touch than him. A man who is known for not only discovering America, but figuring out that the earth is round and that... All right. It is the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, that's my time. Ladies and gentlemen, take note. The, the... One of the best sets of the night came from the man who's done it more than anybody else. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I will say, you seem very present. There's a little bit of snap in your step today. You seem rested.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We have some Pepto-Bismol if you'd like some. Where do you get this prune juice from?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Right. And is it from concentrate or pure prune juice?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How does it make you feel when you're on the toilet and the prune juice has shown mercy on you?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What did it sound like? Can you do an impression of it? Wow.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So do you think the food goes in into the back and the liquid goes to the front?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, the prune juice is a liquid, right? Yeah. And then you have your club soda that you love so much to drink. Yeah. There's a lot of that. And then there's the water that you drink when you're working out, right? Yes. Now that you're rowing. So there's a lot of liquid.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It actually goes in your blood. The liquid goes in your blood and then it gets redistributed. Yeah, it goes in and then it goes to your blood. Water goes to your blood and then it gets redistributed by... The water has a weird flow. I looked this up recently. It's creepy when you figure out
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, Redban has to. Dude.ca. All right, very good, yes. Cracking himself up.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right, I'm back, everybody. About 90% of... It's kind of a tough question to ask fucking Google.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Just a little update. I'm a pilot now, if y'all didn't know that.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, you got to say it nicely. Well, no, no, no, wait a minute. We can't, no, no, we fucking don't. Are you going to give the president Donald Trump permission right now to do it?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yep, grandma. No. That's my grandma. Grandma. Graham crackers.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, it's two words, right? Put all the cash on the table. Yeah. But we'll ignore the space. We'll just know. Are you matching it? Yeah. Oh, he's out-cashing me. Oh, he definitely knows how to spell it. He's out-cashing me. Oh, John's in on this somehow.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Now, I know that's the thing that you drive in when you have more than one person in the car with you. I go to the carpool tunnel.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
But I'm not going for $500. This is Tyler Perry's Kill Tony. Welcome. Welcome. For those of you just joining us, we are live on BET right now.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I love a good old black spelling bee. I don't know what it is. I just love it. It goes down easier than prune juice on a Monday evening. William, anything else going on crazy you want to let us know about? You're repping the burn orange today?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I hope so. I hope. We love Francis. We love Larry. It's harder to look up where water goes when it enters the body than you would think. Yeah. It's kind of rough. But yeah, it goes in your blood. Crazy, right? And then it gets back out again. It goes through a thing, through your intestines, and then into your blood, and then back out again.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's that too, yeah. It's all, there's osmosis. There's a lot that goes into it. Osmosis Jones. A lot of people don't know this, but I am, a lot of people don't know this, but I am smarter than a Canadian doctor. So it's a thing that's going on in the world. A lot of people are asking, are you smarter than a Canadian doctor? And I am. Tony ain't ever gonna stop being smarter than a Canadian.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Here goes William Montgomery. Express, VBS, Zip-A-Goodle, PrizePix. TylerFisher.com. CamPatterson.com. William Montgomery is on tour. Cam's on tour. Tyler is on a national tour. One more time for Tyler Fisher, everybody. Cam Patterson, everyone. The living legend is here. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebald is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh, it's Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Look at that. That looks just like him. That's what Cam looks like. And the king of $5 bills. Abe Lincoln would be proud if he could see his face on all those bills. He would be like, that's why I freed him. Happy Black History Month, nigga. Whatever he just said, for sure. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
High ceilings, big laughs. They've got it all over there. And we love you. We are doing fun things. I'm all over the road. Kill Tony. Everything. It's all happening, people. We'll see you soon. Love you. Good night. Thank you, guys.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
There's no black cannoli, everybody. This is fun. Let's look up more Italian words and ask the black people what they think they mean.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What is a rigatoni? Oh, no. That's a pasta. That's a pasta. Very good. Okay, this is a lot of fun. Hell yeah. All right.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All of your answers are incorrect. It actually means welcome.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
One shade darker to purple, and they would chug that right now. It's a little too pink. What is bubblegum? What is bubblegum? Look at that shit. Who put bubblegum in a blender? This is black shit. Look at this, my wallet. I got gum. That is incredible. A magnum condom for some reason, just in case you need a quick disguise.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
All right. Back to Italian black translation game. What do you think A carbonara is.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What the fuck is that? It's a fancier, fattier part. I could be wrong. It's very bacon-esque. It's better bacon.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I will close. He's putting... It's very controversial on this stage right now. Matt Muehling is yelling about pancetta right now. We finally woke him up. We figured out what his passions are. Types of bacon. I would have guessed Red Band would be our senior bacon correspondent.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Final Italian word block translation. What, gentlemen, what is a sfigatello?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No. That's not. You can't just hit buttons if you don't know if they're right or not. What? It's like an asshole.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's a dickhead. He like a dickhead. It's a flaky Italian pastry. Ah, fuck. David, you're a legend. Way to get it started tonight. So much fun. And like that, it has begun. And now, you might not know, but it's time for the fucking bucket where absolutely anything can happen. We're going to meet a real human being. Uh-oh. There she is, the iconic Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez, considered big and huge compared to many action figures around the world. And that there is Huevos Rancheros, Benito Santiago Alhambra. No doubt about it. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa. They're called Grooveline Horns, a strangely American terminology for exactly. the huevos and the rancheros that they have cooking inside of them.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So when you say you tried to fuck her, I mean, there it is, right? It's warm, it's wet, it's a hole. Explain, like, what happens.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Right, yeah. That's the part I don't get. That's exactly right. I don't get it. Because if it's warm, and it's moist, and it works, and there's like, the dude's still there, right?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So the guy in the middle, you're fucking him while he fucks his wife?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Was he just fucking going, thank you, you're welcome, thank you, you're welcome, thank you, you're welcome? Yeah, it was the weirdest seesaw ever.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Take it and give it. Well, Peter, you got tonight's episode started with a bang. Congratulations.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Thank you for having me. Are you in town Thursday? Yeah, I'm here all month. Well, there you go. You're doing the secret show.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Have a great night. Enjoy the rest of your time. Peter Angelo, his second time ever on the show. He was pulled out of the bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada, and now our first bucket pull of the night. Wow. You know what that sound means. Heidi is here, everyone. The lovely Heidi. Absolutely incredible. There she is. One more time for Heidi, everyone. All right, to the bucket we go.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. We're gonna meet them all together. This is where we met all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Quinn Pastura, ladies and gentlemen. Quinn Pastura.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
26. Where are you from? Kentucky. Okay. And are you visiting here? You still live in Kentucky?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Okay. Very interesting. And how long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
A year and a half. And you've lived here for six months. Yes. You think that's your best minute that you just did? I thought so. Okay.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Well, it's hard. Honestly, the business is overrun with Kentucky Italians. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. So I'm Italian. I know for a fact Tony Caruso is Italian. We got two Tony. This is an episode of Kill Tony's. I found it all kind of, let's just say that if it was an Italian dish, it would be a marinara with no garlic, no onion, no seasoning. Really just mashed tomatoes, if you will.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa on the horns. Big Mike. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The mutilating Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And that is... Indeed, Dee Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. The energy in here feels great. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I couldn't even hear. Was there a real Italian in here somewhere? There was somebody that immediately heckled you. There was a man in the audience that recognized.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It was a little slow, I think. A little slow. You were a little tentative. Next time you might want to come out just a little bit more, get to a punchline a little faster. That's all. A little quicker if you can. You meandered just a bit, but I understand you were getting to it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Let's figure out more about you, Quinn. Stuff you could talk about, because you're just talking about the most broad of all broad things, which is being Italian, which is hard for even an Italian to talk about. Because it's broad, right? It's old. Yeah, we cook. Yeah, there's some crime, right?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I was just joking. So, Quinn, tell us something about your real life. Like, what are you into? What are some hobbies, some passions of yours?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Quinn, say something funny before you start promoting things. I get too fucking high.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Talk to me about the Carthaginians. I want to know what the Carthaginians are and if we have disagreeable theories on them. Okay, so... I think they were all fat homosexual truckers.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What's the trashiest thing you ever saw in all your years in Kentucky?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Well, there was... A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head. This interview is so rough. Guy just fucking... This is rough, Quinn. Did someone in Kentucky tell you that you're funny and that you should move to Austin? Yeah, that's the scariest part. Oh, God. What's the answer?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yes. Your parents white trash? They Kentucky trash? No, they're pretty cool. Yeah. What do they do for work?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Pressure washing and waste management. Wow. This was a waste. And then you are a door guy on 6th Street. I am.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Where was I? Here we go. This is what people do when their interviews suck. You walked by me.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Did you? Maybe I do. I don't know. What's the name of the place?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It's called the Liberty. I wasn't at the Liberty. You're saying I walked by the Liberty?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. You were walking by the Liberty. I was jerking off onto a trucker. It's like the craziest tradition. When people really, really bomb as hard as they can, they go, I saw you once on the sidewalk, you remember? No. Fucking no? How would that stand out? Did somebody tell you I was inside of the bar that you work at?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There's a 0% chance that that happened. The Liberty. Okay.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I was just told, so I... You're just trying to start a little conversation here. Yeah. Yeah, and we also landed on the moon. Nothing else is working. Get the fuck out of here. Unbelievable. One of the dumbest things someone can do is just reference... You remember? Remember a couple weeks ago? You weren't even there. I know.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There you go. Quinn Pastura, for the love of God. What? Ladies and gentlemen, this is very, very exciting. I pulled the name out of the bucket of a young man who works here all the time. This is very special. I have no idea if he's even ever signed up before. This is truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I think maybe he's been on this show in LA. It's been a long time.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Either way you slice it. Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known, this is a new minute from Ahsan Ahmad, everybody. Make some noise for Hassan, everybody.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Coming up here, cleaning up after a fucking bore of Kentucky. Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wait. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. You're being funny. That was not it. That was one of them, right? That was the white horse. No, the picture was that white horse. No, Liberty's west. We went east. Okay, okay. Liberty's east? Oh, okay. Maybe we were there. We were on a bar crawl. That's what Ari wanted to do. Which fucking one was the Liberty? I have no idea, but I know that's one of them.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Look at the Liberty real quick. There's no way. Isn't the Liberty fucking west? It's east? I was there? Fuck. The poor guy. I'm like, fuck you. You're not funny. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, it's just blatantly east. Same street, but that way. It is literally just five minutes just due east on 6th Street. My location is still there. I'm still at the Liberty. There's a blue dot.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Nick Tank, nicotine pouches and ZipRecruiter. Every single week, I have one or two or three of the best possible guests. I look at it like a chemistry set. I know all these people. I know who goes well together and how to mix it. Tonight's two-guest panel is one of the greatest comedians of all time,
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Holy shit, the poor guy. The poor guy. Well, now he's going to be a hero. Quinn, just hear the internet. Quinn, your comedy sucked, but dude, you got Tony good there.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ari Shaffir absolutely insisted that to celebrate his special release on Netflix, he wanted to go east and do a shot and a drink at every single... Did we talk about this last week? Yes, we literally talked about this last week. And fucking God. Yeah, that was one of those nights. Hasan, you were along with us and we had a blast.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You're so funny, man. That fucking, making that stuff funny, that is fucking great. Really, it's so odd. I love the angle you took. To hear a Jew say that.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Hassan, always killing it, always part of the actual scene here. I mean, the equivalent to a high-level comedy story. Paid regular. You are the equivalent to here. One of the first people from L.A. to move here with your homie and podcast co-host, Derek Poston, who we all love. You've actually been the one man panel on an episode in 2022.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I love it when my buddies sign up for the show and are lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket. Happened with Matt Edgar a few weeks ago, and now you. What else is going on in life, Hasan? What have you been learning? You're kind of like, how long have you been doing this? Ooh, 12 years. 12 years, and that's at a comedy store level. You are a former comedy store door guy.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You are absolutely correct. How does your hair go like that? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ain't that the shit. You got a little fucking Gaza strip right down the middle there. That shit is unbelievable. Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I love it. Asan, what else is going on? Tell us something else crazy about your life before we get you out of here. I mean, I've taken you to your homeland, San Jose, right? Well, yeah, not his homeland. San Jose. Hey, I like that. And I've met your adorable parents, your tiny, tiny, absolutely adorable, little, super tiny Indian parents. I mean, they are just the cutest things you've ever seen.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I do have the most adorable parents. They really are. You're like a giant compared to them.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Did they bring you home free chocolate after work every day?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
They are very, very short, yet somehow they are both 7'11 and 9'11. It is incredible. It is incredible. For those of you that don't know, Ahsan is the new head of the FBI. I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to that.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It's going to sneak right up on you, people. He's brown, too. What can brown do for you? Okay, Ahsan, so much fun. Great stuff, as always. I'll fucking see you tomorrow. We'll do it again. We do stand-up together all the time. One of the best comedians around. Killing it. Growing. Thriving. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake Kennedy.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
and also a guy who's returning back into the comedy business after a very long hiatus. So what a perfect panel. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the greats. Make some fucking noise for Jim Norton and Tony Caruso.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Time for Jake Kennedy. Make some noise for Jake, everybody.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Okay, hell yeah. Jake Kennedy, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. Okay, welcome. Jim Norton, what are you doing? Your son was just out here. You were really good. You are adorable. I can't tell whether you're a little person or a huge midget.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Is that really what you have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is there like a really short mailman that your father hates?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
5'2". What do you doopity do for a living? We've had a guy that loves hanging out in chocolate factories. Peter Angelo was on earlier. That's an asshole joke, by the way, because he's a fat gay guy. All right, back to you. You're dressed like a baby swim coach. Yeah, it is. It is adorable.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
50 bucks an hour. Very tiny soprano. Tiny soprano. Forever 21 inches. I love this get-up. You're absolutely a cutie pie. This is how people, like, dress teddy bears and shit.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Fucking guy. Ever since you started working with that Dr. Phil character, you have this new hosty thing that you try. So what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you? We're watching you think about the question. All right, all right, I'll pick him up. No. Oh. He's got spiked bones. Be careful. Wait a second. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I bet you he's heavy.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I can tell by the look. I can tell by the look on Tony Caruso's face. This motherfucker's heavier than he thought he'd be. That's a fucking dead weight. I think I got spike bones. Ah, fuck. I fucked that up. Edit it out, Yoni. Two Tonys and a spike bony. This is a party in here tonight. Jake Kennedy, how long you been doing stand-up? This is my first time ever, Tony. Wow! Look at that.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
25 years old. Absolutely adorable. The 25 years old, I guess the math works. He has the body of a 12-year-old in the face of a 40-year-old. This is incredible. You just gotta do the math, divide it by two, figure it out. What do you do for work, Jake Kennedy? I'm a violinist. You're a professional violinist? Do you play it like a stand-up bass? No. No, he can't reach the notes up there.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That left hand. He needs a tiny little cello. What's the tiniest, even a harmonica is a two-handed adventure for you. I cannot picture you. You professionally play the violin for a living. Where can people see you?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wow, and look at you now. You make a good living doing that?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, shit. In which state? Well, Jesus Christ, yeah. Keep it in, Yoni, keep it in. How far away, how many minutes away is it?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Can you hop on your electric bike, go grab your violin, and then we'll close out the episode with a little song from Jake Kennedy? Is that okay? Here, take this on your way. There you go. Don't let it crush you. Jake Kennedy. Hey, you know what? You know what? It's only fitting. Jesus Christ, Tony. Sit the fuck down. It's only fitting you get a little joke book, too. Jake Kennedy has arrived.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Jim Norton is back, the only comedian to be on both Madison Square Garden episodes, absolutely crushing, one of our favorite guests of all time. Thank you. He's been on this show in L.A., multiple times in Austin, in Las Vegas. Jim Norton, one of the best comedians in the world. Jim Norton Can't Save You is available everywhere. It's a brand new show.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
He will be back in a little bit. A very little tiny bit. Oh my goodness. Jake Kennedy. Wow. How adorable is Jake Kennedy? I cannot wait to see him play a tiny little violin later. What was this gonna be? That's like a thing. He probably plays the world's smallest violin. That's like a figure of speech. We're gonna do it tonight. He's gonna take his little tiny electric scooter
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And everyone in the city is going to be like, look at that happy little guy. What's he so happy about? He's out there like a little rubber ducky. And he's going to be smiling ear to ear. Hopefully makes it back okay all in one piece. He's out there riding around on these streets with spiked bones. Taking a chance. He's just out there like a little fucking absolutely adorable thing.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
All right, let's get back to this bucket, and then we'll get a regular up here. Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it. We're going to meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Frank DeMint. Frank DeMint had some fun bucket pulls tonight.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to cut you off before that bear interrupts you. Frank DeMint has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Where do I even begin? That is absolutely incredible. You keep the last comedian in that little pocket on the front of your shirt there. You guys are a comedy duo. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Frank, I have about two million questions for you right now. Let's just get it going. First, I want to check and see, Jim Norton, what do you think? I have loved you ever since you threw Mama from the train.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It is incredible. You look like such a character. You're built for comedy. How long you been doing it? Going on six years. Six years. Okay. Where at? Where exactly? What fucking new... Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio. Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I know you're from Youngstown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love your delivery system. This is absolutely incredible. You're such a likable guy. How do you make a living?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And joining the panel for the very first time ever in the show's entire history, Tony Caruso, ladies and gentlemen. Now, Tony... Wow, they really love you.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There's no real hospital music. Okay, here we go. All right, very good. Thank you. Okay, hello, doctor. Yes, we've been waiting for your arrival. It's been a long wait, by the way.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So, Frank, you were, like, a general doctor? Yeah, family fact. So, you were Dr. Frank DeMint. That's correct. Holy shit. That is incredible. Did you always have your hair like that and facial hair?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
This is more of a retired look. Yeah. Were you ever married? You ever have kids? Married twice. Married twice. Okay. No kids. No kids. Why do you think that is? How do you think you ended up being so lucky to not have kids?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
A guy like you, I would totally have expected you to spread your seed. I love how you roll with everything. You have a great sense of humor. So six years you've been doing it based out of Columbus, Ohio. So you've been doing the funny bone. Yeah. Right. And other places.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, a.k.a. Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are at TonyHinchcliffe.com right now.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What do you do for fun? What does a retired doctor do for fun?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You had two wives. How did the first one end? You cheat on her?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Always kind of had a speech impediment? All my life. Where do you think that comes from? How does that happen? You were a former doctor. Where do you think, how does that even happen?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wow. What a terrible age for a guy with your speech impediment. Literally the worst year for you.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You have a giant approval from the audience, and many of them don't know anything about you. You are making your return into stand-up comedy. You took a 20-year hiatus when your wife passed away.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And I think my tongue became a little muscle-bound. Okay. And did people tell you you were good at it? Oh, yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Incredible. So the second marriage, how did that end? Uh, I keyed it on her. Oh, my God. Can you look at that? There's some women's faces, just like, how the fuck is that possible?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So do you think a lot of your patients back in the day always got a second opinion? It seems very risky putting their lives in your hands. You just being like, your blood was all just not good. I think we need to stop treatment. I mean, it's like incredible. It's amazing the life that you had. So you saved enough money from being a doctor. For how long were you a doctor? 27 years. 27 years.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And you saved enough money to be able to just live your dreams and do whatever you want in comedy, basically. More or less. Yeah. Yeah. You own a house? Yes. And you have a car? Yes. What kind of car do you have?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
All right. What's the nicest thing you've ever bought for yourself since you- I had a Mercedes once. Ooh. What ended up happening with that? I-
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Parts on Mercedes are expensive. Did you get killed in the divorce? Hmm? Did you get killed in the divorces?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You know what I think we should do? I think you guys should go behind that curtain. I think you should check your prostate right now. How does that sound, Tony? Look at that. Look at that finger. Do that again. Look at that. Oh, my God. All right. Well, I don't know. Yeah, get back there.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Tony says, whenever you're ready. Let's see, I think we're probably... Oh, okay. We're good. Okay, come back out, Frank. Okay. He's so adorable. He almost stayed back there.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Frank, you are a fucking little angel. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. You are absolutely going to be loved by the people. When you came out, I thought this guy looks silly as hell. We're going to have a lot of fun talking to him, but the comedy is probably not going to be there. And boy, you absolutely crushed the room. I loved it. You are as funny as you look. You are as funny as you sound.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I love how you make fun of yourself and laugh at the jokes. Welcome, welcome. Come back, sign up again. All different shapes and sizes of people here. Absolutely anything can happen. We pull names out of a bucket, and that is where we find all of our regulars. We're out here changing lives, giving people an opportunity.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Like your next comedian, who is one of the top regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, this is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Uh, that's the only guy on earth that sound worse than me. That nigga... That nigga talked it terrible. That was horrible, though. And I just said... And I just said talked it, so that's how I feel about it. I got a new girlfriend now. That's the dumbest shit I ever did in my life. Don't root for that. Pretty stupid. I got... My girlfriend, she pretty. That's the problem. I hate that.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I only dated ugly girls by design before. Because I like ugly women. Because you can mold an ugly bitch. to wherever you want them to be, where they gonna leave you? Where you gonna go, doo-doo? You stuck with me forever. We locked in for life, you ugly whore. I love you, though, you feel me? Because a bad bitch, she know her worth. Ugly bitch not gonna go nowhere. I had an ugly bitch one time.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I miss her so much. I miss her a lot, dog. I remember we was all eating food with my homeboys and shit, with all their girlfriends and shit like that, and they had me a little real dude, a little ugly. But the best thing about it is all my homeboys' girlfriends got their food before we did, right? And they started eating. But my ugly bitch ain't eat. She waited till I got my food.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And then my homeboy was like, nigga, she well-trained. And I was like, yeah. And then I found out that her boyfriend used to beat her. Thank that man. That's a good guy. I appreciate him for that. Now, listen, some of y'all didn't clap or laugh at that. You look very sad about that, man. I'm gonna understand something. I'm not saying I would've hit her, but I'm thankful that somebody did, right?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Fuck yeah. Bing, bang, boom. Cam Patterson. Another new minute and a half. Oh, shit. Okay, hell yeah. I love it. The full fucking thing. You've done it again. Not easy to do a new minute every single week. This shit tough. It really is. This shit tough as hell. I hear all the time about, you know, we're doing stand-up all the other nights of the week, and you hear, like, oh.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It was just a duh-duh-duh-duh. Cam had a great set. Cam was here. Cam was there. Ari's here. Ari's there. Everybody's working hard. Always writing. It's incredible what we're doing here. And to see you do it, it's insane.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
How's things been going? It's been good, man. Life's been pretty cool, man. Shit's been dope. I just did a Deion Sanders show on Tubi. My dad really excited about that. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. Prime time? Yeah, hell yeah. How was he? It was dope. He was cool as shit, man. Deion Sanders is the man. He a good dude, man. What's his show? Is it stand-up or? Nah, it's like a talk show.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It was cool to find that been on like real TV and shit. They had gave me like makeup. That felt gay. I ain't like that at all. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Nothing. I mean, look, look. I'm cool with the gays, nigga. You know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Nah. Nah, makeup pretty gay, man. Does makeup work on you? Huh? What the fuck that mean, right, man? Yeah, what exactly... What the fuck does that mean at all, man?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What exactly did they do? Huh? What exactly did they do? What kind of makeup did they have?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
They had regular... A lady came in and did shit to my face. What was it? What color was the shit? I don't know. I didn't ask no questions. You didn't look. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know at all.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Is he going to a funeral? Where he going? Who died, man? He is. Who the fuck is dressing D Madness, man? I love it. You got on a turtle suit, nigga. You know that?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
He's got a bolo on tonight. It's fun. It's fun seeing what D Madness wears. It's fun getting to tell D Madness what he's wearing tonight. It's the only person you get to break the news to.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You just for Prince's funeral, nigga. This is crazy. A style king. We bust his balls a lot, but meanwhile, he is weekly the best-dressed band member on this show. You would think they're all blind, but no, they just don't fucking... Michael Gonzalez has been wearing a fucking upside-down nacho bowl for the last year. No one's talking about it. The old family tortilla over there, the fucking guy.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Absolutely incredible. So Cam, you hung out with Deion Sanders. Are you going to be at some Colorado games?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I went to one a couple months ago. Yeah, when I was playing and shit. That shit was dope.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. I would have noticed you, but everybody on the sideline looks exactly like you.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
But I had a Colorado shirt on, and everybody thought I was a recruit.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And I would line my ass up too. I'm going, yeah, yeah. Who know I might come for sure, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, line like shit. I don't want this to sound racist, but... Okay, wait a minute.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Now, we both from Florida, so we got the same shit. We both from Florida, so it's like, you know what I'm saying? Can you air show us what a handshake with Deion Sanders?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That fucking guy can't do it. A white guy in sunglasses? Get the fuck out of here. You could do it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And you're looking at your wife like, you better not have a job. Go to the Puerto Rican with the gold grill over here. Here he is. Oh, that's it?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
He's been opening up for the great Hall of Fame Kill Tony member Adam Ray all over the road.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Whoa. Oh, up top, down low. And the reverse. Fist bump, fist bump. Criss-cross. Double piece. Work in the rib section. Oh. And then in. Oh. Yeah, there it is.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Cam Patterson, we absolutely love you. Congratulations on being you. One of the top rising stars of the industry, the great Cam Patterson. Make some noise for his dad. Kenny Patterson's in the house somewhere tonight. We love Kenny Patterson. We love Kenny. Sometimes I sound like Trump. We love his dad. Raised one of the good ones.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ryan Jack, everybody. Make some noise for Ryan Jack. We're gonna meet him all together. This is that episode of Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So you can get tickets to see Tony Caruso at adamraycomedy.com. It is incredible. You've been doing some work with Dr. Phil, I hear. You're friends with Dr. Phil.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There you go. Great set. Ryan Jack, the bucket is powerful tonight. An incredible, incredible... Another bucket pool. Jim Norton, thoughts?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Very funny, and every punchline was hidden. I didn't see any of them coming. It was really, really good, man. None of them were predictable. Really good writing. Very funny. Thank you. Appreciate it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ryan Jack. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Four years. And you really are in therapy? I am. Yeah, yeah. What types of things, what types of trauma have you had in your life that you talk to your therapist about?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ryan, where are you from? I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah. Salt Lake City, Utah. Absolutely. You come from a Mormon family?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, that's one of the best bars and restaurants in the city. Shout out to Dead Rabbit. Yes. That is a place that I have been to, unlike the Liberty. Too soon. An incredible fucking place. Absolutely mind-blowing food and drinks. It's an award-winning bar. The only other location is in New York City. Won all the awards. The second ever location just a block away here on 6th Street. West of here.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Can I ask why your parents didn't raise you Mormon? Are you supposed to?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Other than calling you retarded, did he beat you up a little bit?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So this trauma, I mean, I'm pretty sure everybody here... I mean, you're the one that brought up the trauma.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It seems like this therapist is pretty easy work cut out for him.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That makes sense. What else have you talked with your therapist about?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There it is. What have you been addicted to? What are you addicted to? Eating pennies and putting your finger in the socket?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, shit. Yeah. You guys, finally someone respects me. I have some friends that are addicted to that. They don't know they're addicted to that. But there's a couple people that basically everyone that tries Kratom kind of gets a, they really like it. Let's put it that way. I'm not sure if we have any sponsors right now that are Kratom.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It is an herb. It's a natural herb, much like cocaine and heroin. Yeah, they sell this at gas stations, and it's considered non-addictive. And what I've noticed is that people that have been addicted to things that are trying to not be addicted to things try this, and they get addicted to this. But they say that they're not addicted to it, but they do a little bit more every single week.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, yeah. If you like it, get it from our people, whoever they may be. Did you ever try it? No. They sent us all of this stuff. Yeah, I don't do anything. I'm a very, very simple man. I don't do it. I don't go to the Liberty. Yeah. Ryan Jack, so you got addicted to gas station kratom. How wild did things get? What was your lowest point on gas station kratom?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Did you ever suck a fucking cock for it? Nah, dude. Oh, wow. Red band. Very fast. Red band.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Did your dad not like that you were bisexual? He called you retarded, but was that really the problem?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Your brother outed you. Yeah. How did you. And that's how your dad found out. Yep, yeah. So he's more men and you're more men. Yeah, absolutely. How did you first know that you were bisexual? And is it like 50-50? How does that work? 60-40 women?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Way to save that there at the end with the when I was a kid. When I was a child. Not now. We almost found out where your real therapy sessions were. All good. Hell yeah. So what type of fiddling would you do with your classmates back in the day?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Okay, all right. Good Lord almighty. So Tony, you know how this show works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to be here. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
T-Madness just let out a homophobic gasp. All my friends watch the show. I'm sharing way too much right now, but it's fine. Sometimes I forget T-Madness is homophobic, but he cannot hide it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, you just heard him go like this.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What's the longest set you've ever done, Ryan? Ten minutes.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wow. There you go. You did it. Here's the big joke box. Here it is. Ryan Jack. Ladies and gentlemen. Yep. Okay, great. You guys are in for a special treat. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of this show is here, ladies and gentlemen. One of the funniest young ladies working today from Nashville, Tennessee. She is here.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Fiona Cawley, everybody. Thank you. You know her, you love her, Nashville's finest, many time performer on the show, golden ticket winner. This is a brand new minute from, make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Fiona Cauley, everybody. With a brand new minute. Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Hi. Where do we even begin with you? Welcome back.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We find out more about them and everything is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian performing tonight while we go wrangle your first bucket pool is a guy who's been on the show only one other time in Las Vegas, Nevada at Skank Fest.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Absolutely. Always wonderful. There's a lot that happened there. Have you sucked dicks while sitting in the chair before? Is that a thing that you do? You have a boyfriend. I always see him.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That is correct. I love it. And how long have you been with your boyfriend again?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
A year and a half. So you guys have been through a lot together, huh?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh my goodness. Wow. Incredible. So until really, really soon, do you part?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Fiona gets it. True comedian. Okay, she's not laughing as hard as I was hoping she would be. Keep it in, Yoni.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There you go, Rhett. No one knows how to stop the momentum faster than old Red Band here. A prenup! Anybody? Anyway. So what's going on? Are your parents excited? Is your dad gonna roll you down the aisle?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There are so many. The wedding, I mean, I can't even imagine. We're going to tie a bunch of cans and stuff to the back of your chair, just married on the back. Just clank your ass.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That's true. You're going to fucking throw that bouquet behind you. Really, really shallow throw.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Right behind you. Right behind you. Applesauce, or as you call it, three meals a day. No, I'm kidding. She can eat normal meals, people. We're kidding. We laugh a lot. She's a golden ticket winner, damn it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I love it. Where are you going to honeymoon? Where are you going to honeymoon?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Whoa. Ooh la la. Wow. What are you most excited about about this wedding? When is it?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
All right. Beautiful. So it's in October. What are you excited about?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Let me ask you this. Did, uh... Did you, how did he propose to you?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
He was my favorite comedian on the episode. And I told him that when he arrives to Austin, Texas for his first time, that he gets an automatic spot on this show. This is that show. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted. for the second time ever appearance of Peter Angelo, everybody. Here we go. It's Peter Angelo.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I bet you're real easy to surprise. Just gets down behind you. He's like, babe, spin around. You're not going to fucking believe this shit.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There he is. There he is. It's incredible. The same guy from the prenup Momentum stop earlier is the same. Welcome to the show, Red Band. He has arrivethed. Been sitting on that cue all night. So let's hear, how did he propose to you?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
A week ago. She's still on the same chair charge that she has for the... Hasn't even had to plug in yet.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You're doing great, Fiona. What do you like to do for fun when you come to Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yes, it does. Yeah. It really does. What's your favorite thing to get when you're there?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You go to Terry Black's for the mac and cheese? Oh, look at all the fat asses going crazy for this. Just a bunch of people on their last breaths.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Let me tell you something. Fiona, we're trying to take care of you here. I'm gonna have you talk to a doctor. His name's Frank DeMint. Uh...
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody. All right, Red Band, Jesus Christ. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi as well? Oh shit, Fiona just ran into deep madness. We're having a real battle of the titans over here. Nobody knows what the fuck's going on. D Madden is like, who put a fucking motorcycle on my foot? Oh my God. We having fucking fun tonight, huh?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I don't know how we do it every week. It's been a great night for the bucket. Big smooch for your next bucket poll. Anything can happen. This is Jack McWilliams. Jack McWilliams.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Jack McWilliams. I've never heard Matt Muehling laugh so hard in my entire life. He absolutely loved that punchline. Incredible. Jack, welcome to the show. That is amazing that you had a set all about a safe word or safe phrase because you are one of the rapiest looking guys. Without a doubt, that's ever been on this show. Every rapist ever looks up to you. Yeah. That is what they look like.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You look like that. And I look down on all the non-rapists. There you go. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jack? Eight years. Eight years. Where at? Chicago.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Did everyone think that you look kind of crazy? Because you look like everyone that's ever accidentally smothered a hooker. Like you didn't mean to do it, you apologized after, but it just happened because you got carried away.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
The way you're holding that mic, what a fucking giant meat hook you have. It's like me with a dog dick in my hand.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Seems good. He's doing good, Spanish Oaks. Keep them close. This is where stars come from.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What does the girlfriend do for a living? She works at HEB. Oh, wow. Everyone's favorite. No doubt about it. Instant crowd pop always for H-E-B. What does she do there?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wow, look at that. Everything you guys touch turns to gold over there. And how did you end up meeting this girl? Long distance relationship, Chicago and Austin.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Whoa, hello. And then what happens? She comes up to you and goes, you're really funny.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, for a few hours. What did you do? You go over to the Bean? Yeah. Yeah. Just happens to be a landmark that I know a lot about.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What does she like about you? What does she like? Your personality? What does she say that she likes?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What'd you say, Jim? I just knew it would bomb, and I said it. No, nobody heard it. No one knows who he is. I said she has an Edmund Kemper finish.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I know that reference. That's great. He's saying you look like a big, rapey serial killer. I say it with love. I like him. He's my favorite.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That's also who your victims are. Got it. Standing ovation from Antonio Caruso. I love it. Jack, before I let you go, what would we be surprised to know about you?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That's it. Not the first one. Yeah, you should have seen the other rapey doctor that was here earlier. Red Band? You know, I'd love for you to headline the secret show Thursday. Holy! Look at that. And a big joke book. You did it. There he goes, Jack McWilliams, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Let's get one more up here. Let's see if we could go for it tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dagan Asfaha. Dagan Asfaha.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Dagan Aspaha. Am I saying that right? Dagan? Dejan. Dejan. Yeah, yeah. Dejan, welcome, welcome, welcome. Another amazing set. Congratulations to you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where at?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What are you going to be tutoring them in? You really are in a gentrified neighborhood. I'm taking you for the tutor type.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You might be the only bucket pool tonight that's allowed near kids. That's some retired doctors, some scary individuals up here. Yeah. I love it. What's your love life like?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah? You know what I'm saying? What are you into? What type of woman are you? What type of big booty bitch are you into? What was that noise? That was the noise of a pig. That was Red Band. Red Band thinks that big booty bitches implies that they are heavy eaters.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I don't know how I guessed. I just, really, just a hunch of some kind. I don't know.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Peter Angelo. Second ever time on the show. Famously the least gay-looking gay man ever in the show's history. Jim, you ever see anything like this before?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Good night, good luck. Wait, you know when you do doggie style, you're not supposed to be on all fours. You know that, right?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What's your move? Give us some tricks. Give us some dating with Dajon tricks. What are you like to take a girl? How do you close? Wait, what is it? Dejan. Dejan. Yeah. All right, Dejan. I'm going to take the A out of this and just go with the E. Dejan. Yeah, Dejan. Dejan. You made my name black. Dejan. Well, I mean, that's... Let the record show. This is not an easy job.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I have. I've seen you before. Yeah. And I enjoy you very much. Oh, thank you. But you do seem more like a top. I'm not disappointed. I'm just saying you seem like a top.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Most television show hosts have a pre-interview. They fucking, they meet the person before. His name is spelled D-A-E, which is day.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Get off my ass. I'm sorry to blacken up your name. I'm sorry. So Dijon Quay, tell us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are some dating tricks of yours before I get you out of here?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
20 minutes? Let's have you on the Secret Show. Secret Show. Book it. Lock it. Big joke, folks. Unbelievable performance. Dejan Asfaha has arrived. What an unbelievable bucket. Night of bucket pools we've had. And before we put a ribbon on this thing, I think it's time we bring to the stage someone to give us a little violin performance, everybody.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jake Kennedy, everyone. I think it's Jake Kennedy, right? Where the fuck is he? Oh, my God. How adorable is this? Oh, my God. The world's smallest violin, literally. Give me some right lighting for this situation. This is an all-time Kill Tony first. We've never, out of all the musical excitement that we've ever had, we've never had a violinist.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm very excited about this. Play something that's not copyrighted music, please. YouTube has an unbelievable computer system that's stronger than ever to be able to copyright strike us. Even me saying the word copyright strike might be a copyright strike. They are so strict nowadays.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Ladies and gentlemen, this, a first in the Kill Tony universe, the first violin performance from one of the most absolutely adorable little fucking Oompa Loompas we've ever seen in our entire lives. Here, with his tiny little fingers.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, Tony, we got it. We got it. Relax. Tony, sit the fuck down. Don't ask any questions. Relax. Can you play the Cool Run? There you go. Yes, there you go. Okay, shut the fuck up. Ladies and gentlemen, as we all settle in and relax for this performance, this is... Oh, there's a lot going on. They'll figure it out. They'll figure it out. They're professionals, Jake. Just play.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Tony Caruso is going to throw his jacket out there. He's got a big joke book. He's got a little joke book. He's got the musical performance of a lifetime. One more time for Jake Kennedy, ladies and gentlemen. Jake, you know what? I want you to join the band one of these nights coming up. Talk to John Dees. You're gonna be a band member. Not full time, but he's going to make a couple appearances.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
We'll see what happens. You'll see him over there with the horn players or something. Luckily, we can fit him anywhere on the stage. You would think we've run out of room. He's literally the only musician that we can add, add, add. Sound, sound. Check, check, check. Hello? Check, check, check, check, check. Fucking something. Shut that. There you go. It's Keno, everybody. The great, famous Keno.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Who said earlier during soundcheck that he'll never make another mistake again.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It is incredible. You know, there was a band that played during the sinking of the Titanic. Not a lot of people know this, but Jake played the violin when that little sub went down to go play. And, yeah, he was playing. He can fit in there. He can fit in crazy places. So he was in the little submarine playing.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And when the thing exploded, he fucking... The violin had a... He's light enough, he's buoyant enough, he fucking shot right up to the surface. It's absolute, that's actual sound of him coming back up to the surface. Look, this guy's had a few weeks off. There's only one way to end a fucking episode like this. It's been way too long. You guys know what's about to happen.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
as I bring to the stage the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever, with the most interviews ever. This is the long-awaited return, the longest we've ever gone without seeing him. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Exactly. 59.99 seconds. Almost like a man with the all-time record. The man who's done it more than anybody else. William, we have missed you. Welcome back home.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It is true. It is true. You had a video game addiction. The closest you would get to doing anything else would be to look out of your blinds and complain about whatever your neighbors in the parking lot were doing. It became a cautionary tale. You went down a rabbit hole.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, wow. So many straight jobs. Even your jobs are straight.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I know. I have to have a purpose. How do you break a Call of Duty addiction? How do you break it? Just start shooting real people.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. How did you wean yourself off of it? You were in very deep.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It's a real thing. I don't allow myself to... Have a legit video game system.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It's very, very easy to just sit there and live a life of fantasy. Yes. And there's perhaps a lot of people out there listening right now, I'd imagine, that look up to you. You know, which is absolutely insane to me.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It's incredible. It is amazing. When he throws the axes at vaginas. Not another one, God damn it. Get away from me. Absolutely incredible. Larry the Cable Gay. Yep. Yep. Get him done. Yep. Have you always been gay? How old were you when you knew you were gay? I was a teenager, I would say. Teenager and just... Was there a moment? Is there something that happens?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. What are your big plans for 2025? This is our, I believe, first time seeing you this year. Is that correct?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I mean, you just took 20 years off. What the fuck do you know?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, you're talking to him like you're talking to a fellow Kill Tony Hall of Famer or something like that.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I could not absolutely agree more. William, you are a ridiculous superstar. You are our Conor McGregor, our Hulk Hogan. You are the man. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only William Montgomery. Is that violinist still back there? Is he still back there? Does he have his little fucking tiny instrument? Does he? Is he? Violinist? Yes? He left? Oh, that's a shame.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Well, then our normal band will play us out. That's what's tonight's episode, everybody. Make some noise for Jim Norton. Jim Norton can't save you. Available everywhere. It's a new, unbelievably awesome fucking show. Tony Caruso is on tour with Adam Ray, believe it or not. Incredible. Adam has such an open mind, one of the great creative forces of the world. He has Dr. Phil on tour.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
He has his own stand-up tour. He kills it everywhere he fucking goes. Everything he touches turns to gold. Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil on Netflix. A lot of other unbelievable things happening. So for you to get to work with Adam Ray is incredible. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Tony Caruso? How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton? It's incredible.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Let's see what Chris Rogers did tonight. Oh, it's me. Ooh la la. Look at that. A dehydrated me. Filled with testosterone and a lack of water. This episode's brought to you by ZipRecruiter and Nicked Nicotine Pouches. That's N-Y-K-D. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? I'm on tour. By the time this episode comes out, tickets will be on sale.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm doing the Honda Center in Anaheim, California. A very big arena I'm doing. Stand up there. Who knows? Maybe some friends from L.A. will be able to make a little drive. Pop in. Who knows? I don't know. We'll see. Talk to your buddy Adam for me. Put in a good word. It's going to be fucking amazing. I'm also doing the Maverick Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a bunch of other great places.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Detroit, some casinos, big fancy joints. All of it's at TonyHinchcliffe.com or Ticketmaster. There's still, I think, a couple tickets available for the Kill Tonys in Nashville at the Bridgestone Arena April 4th and 5th. and a lot of other fun stuff, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Support everyone in the Kill Tony family. We love you. We love you guys. You guys are the heart and soul of it all. Good night. Thank you. We love you. Goodbye, everybody.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Are you like looking at a porno mag and you're like, me just like dick or something like that?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
When did your parents find out you were gay? How did they know? When do you think they caught on?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I like how vague you are with your searches, too. Like, just gay. There's a cock. I'll look at it. I don't care. We'll figure it out. Yeah, it was... The internet just started.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. Where was it? Yeah, tell us about it. Paint the picture for us.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Did you make a serious move on him or did you try joking your way into it?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Coding you with his cum, perhaps? Yeah, do it. I was 20. How's New York City treating you? Where did you live before, Vegas? No, Connecticut. Oh, Connecticut. Yeah. Okay. And you're in the middle of New York City now? Yeah. What's that like for you? What do you do there to have fun?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Stone Cold Steve Aidsy over here. Yeah, man. It hasn't kicked in yet. What's your wrestling character? It's Big Doom.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Did you mean to haul that or did you say put some pipe in the rear and they went, okay, and then just loaded the truck? Yeah, that's better. They knew I could handle it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Peter, what's something that we would be surprised to know about you? There's the fart noise for the episode out early tonight, seven minutes in. There you go. Red ban is red banning. Before we let you go, something that would surprise us about you. I recently just did comedy in China. Okay, we're talking about the female wrestler? Okay. You found the most manly woman you could.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Nachos, Bel Grande, the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is D Madness live in the flesh right here, right now. Very exciting stuff planned for tonight. How do we feel? You guys happy? Before we get into it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
That is incredible. That is amazing. How do you have no accent whatsoever? What do you attribute that to? Did you only hang out with English-speaking people there?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
No one ever claimed that. So you were really in the German army?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
So... Just bust out the yumoculars and look for the fucking... That is incredible. So you're just up there in mountains. It sounds pretty miserable.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. You seem weird as fuck, Fred. Tell us more. I am, Tony. Tell us more about you. Tell us more weird things about you, Fred.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
This is true what you're saying? You really saw him at a food truck? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
This is amazing. I feel like this is what people thought the podcast was three weeks ago when they heard about it for the first time. Like, oh, this fucking guy probably talks to Nazis. It's like, well, I guess now coincidentally we are for the first time ever. Our first Nazi ever on the show happens just organically. So Fred, is there anything you miss about Germany? Love about America?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Raw pork on a roll. That's definitely not a Jew food. No! Raw pork on a roll. Can you imagine?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Unbelievable. It's delicious. That sounds like you could get a disease from eating raw pork.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, Michael, the courtesy laugh at your German accent.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. Is there ever a crime that you almost committed and then you talked yourself out of it at the last second?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. That is... You're a wild boy, Fred. Thank you, Tony. I'm just glad that we're on your good side. Always. Absolutely. All right. Well, Fred, Matt, anything else for Fred? No, I don't.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Fred, I'm going to give you this little joke book. Who knows? Maybe you'll come back one day and grow up to be a big joke book. He loves you guys. We love Fred. There he goes. Fred, go, ladies and gentlemen. Fred, go. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, huh? I mean, unbelievable. All right, your next bucket pool coming out with a new minute. It goes by the name of Nick James, everybody.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
There you go. Nick James coming out. There's a lot of bleeps there.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Come on, are you guys with us? Are you guys ready for the best damn show? Brought to you by Game Time, this is Keltoni. Tonight's guests, two of my favorite human beings. One of the greatest guests in the history of the show, the other guy, it is his first time on panel.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Fall spelled P-H-A-L-L. Okay. Hell yes. When you saw that jacket for sale, what exactly went through your mind?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It is amazing. It really is. It's like part camo, part just jet black. It's absolutely wild. It's like you could hide in bushes and just like do like puppet shows or something. Now that's for dads to show they're a little bit racist.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Uh, Well. It's okay, Nick. I'm going to let you off the hook. You've been on this show before. I remember your face. Fourth time now. Fourth time. Oh, yeah. Wow. How's it been going for you? People recognizing you out there?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, whoa. All right, all right. Listen to this crowd. Here in Texas, we don't like that shit.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Right. What are some of the situations that you've got yourself in? I can't even imagine what it's like out there.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
How did you total your car one month into the job? It was one of those little patrol cars, one of the little...
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
God damn it. Wait, you didn't in total your car on some innocent guy walking down a street, did you? Still got it.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
This is a perfect chemistry match as I bring to you a couple of my favorite comedians, a couple of my favorite dogs. Make some fucking noise for the great Matt McCusker and LaMare. Oh, yeah, baby. Fuck yeah. Matt McCusker. The debut of La Mer. He's already sweating fucking bullets. Look at this guy. Holy shit. Oh, my God. There it goes. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Hoodie off. The forehead is soaked.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, so you totaled your car. When you were at work, what are some of the confrontations that you get into?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
But like, you know, like Nick, I'm talking specifically that you're beating around the bush here. You're talking about homeless people, your own personal car accidents. You write tickets for a living. We all see it every day. Someone goes, hey, motherfucker, that's my car. I pay for it. That's what I'm talking about, Nick. I can't believe I have to spell it out for you.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
The shitty shit part of the shitty job that you have is what people are interested in knowing about. What's some of the worst stuff that's happened to you while executing a ticket on the street doing your job?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Is there not a moment or a part of a story or a line that you remember from any of this?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Anyone ever offer you a sexual favor to get out of the parking ticket?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You almost answered that. What was one that maybe one offered you something?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Whoa, boo this man. The $92 ticket man. With the amount of money of one of his tickets, he could buy almost five of those jackets he's wearing. Why are your tickets $92?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
When you say thank you for your service, Lemaire, what are you talking about?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
No, he's not. His tickets go to one guy. They don't even go to the city. They go to a... Lemaire totally forgot everything about this interview, looked up, saw the camo, and was like, thank you for your service, man. That weed is hitting hard over there, Lemaire. This guy's been up here for seven minutes. Lemaire's like, you're in the army? Thank you, dude, but seriously, bro.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Sorry about your brother. He's just mashing everybody that's been up here together right now. All right, Nick. Well, you already have a little joke book? I do. All right. I have several little joke books. You have several? How do you have several little joke books?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I did do well. You did do well. Oh, thank you. Portraying him with joke books. I threw multiple... What made me throw multiple joke books at you?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I have good news for you. Zipix nicotine toothpicks has given us some amazing new nicotine toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. This is Spice Island clove flavor. If you want to pass that on down. Oh, hell yeah, dude. All right. There he goes. Nick James, everybody. There he goes. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next bucket pull.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Hell yeah. That part of the show is going to be on BET next week. That's what I mean. How about a hand for C. Wayne, everybody? LaMare cut you off. A little black on black violence there. Black on black. Cut off by your own little sister, LaMare. I'm just happy to be here.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
The 409. I'm going to write that down. Never heard that one before.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay. San Antonio. All right. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Seven years. All right. And you mostly talk about, you have like one-liners mostly type of thing? What do you call white people like that?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
How many you want to hear is what do you call Indian peoples? Let's give the people what they want. Let's go. What do you call them Indian peoples?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I love it. I love it. Let's do it all together, Matt McCusker.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. Be careful. You're going to end up getting canceled out here, C-Wayne.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Shouts out. Shout out, man. I love it. Absolutely. And how long you been doing that for? We've been running that since the summer. It's a weekly show? Yes, it is a weekly show. What were you doing before this summer in order to make money?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm starting to figure out why you have all these jokes about people buying a small amount of weed. Big facts. What do you do for fun, C. Wayne?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Matt McCusker's on tour, mattmccusker.com. Of course, he is one half of Matt and Shane's secret pod, what very may well be the greatest podcast ever. Not shot in front of a live audience. La Mer has the panties in the mouth pod. I have only heard of this tonight while asking him if he has a podcast. It is the panties in the mouth pod. Am I saying that right? Yes, sir. We're perverts. Well.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You're talking about what's on the backside of his baseball cap right now? How the fuck did you see the back of his head, dude? La Mer is specifically doing jokes for the Mexican part of the band right now. Hey, what about that Goku hat, though? Roasted. For those of you with eyes in the back of your head, he just got roasted.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
No, but seriously, though, your pants look like liberal women's arms after the past three weeks. The cutters have been cutting. One little slit at a time. For your new king dictator, first of his name. All right. See, Wayne, what kind of big booty bitches you be fucking? I know it's the only option. So the question is, like, what shade of big booty bitch? Like, what color?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, hell yeah. You are indeed living in San Antonio. 409 represent old G-G-G-G-G-G Galveston, Texas.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Holy shit. You like the Latinas. Yeah, Latinas are cool. What's your favorite? My favorite Latino? No, black. Sure, if you have an answer to that. What is your favorite Latina?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Red Band is on fire, ladies and gentlemen. The soundboard is booming. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. I just heard C. Wayne mutter the words, I can't breathe, as soon as he heard the siren. Oh my goodness gracious. This show is out of control. I can't believe you said that the second that the siren came out.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
That makes sense. Yeah, I'm not supposed to laugh at that. Were both of your parents able to help raise you?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You have a cool name for your grandma? What do you call her when you're hanging out with your homies?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Before I let you go, C. Wayne, what's your nightlife like? You seem like the kind of guy that spins vinyls every once in a while. I'm curious what you do for fun at nighttime.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow, that's the opposite of what I do at my shows. Someone's got to do it. I'm glad you're running it down in San Antonio. I appreciate that. Give these Austin Blacks somewhere to go to see a comedy show. You know what I'm saying? Bad news is we're sold out. Good news, San Antonio is just 50 minutes that way.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
lamarelee.fun is his website. For those of you looking for the cheapest URL in the history of websites, lamarelee, L-E-M-A-I-R-E, Lee, and when it couldn't get any cheaper, .fun. lamarilee.com blatantly available for only what I would guess is $29 more, but he went with dot fun and got some extra chicken nuggets that day is my guess. Well, any kind of nuggets.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
C. Wayne, welcome to the Kill Tony world. Here's a big joke book coming at you. I appreciate it. C. Wayne, ladies and gentlemen, with a one-handed catch. Specially reserved for specific types of people that are good at catching things made of leather. Wow. The lovely Heidi. All right. Another bucket pool. We're flying through them here tonight. Can I? Yes.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
What's going on? What? You can't help yourself. Wow. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you. What's going on? What's going on with you? When's the when's the last time you think you busted a nut? You got a lot of pent-up energies over there. You jerk off today or recently? Four months ago. Four months ago. Oh, Jesus. Yikes. This guy's about to wet his pants. Live.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
First ever live nut busting from an audience member. Red band is a sound effect away from making this guy cum in his pants. What do you got over there? You think you can make him? Uh-oh. Whoa. His eyes just rolled in the back of his head. All right. Back in. Good observation, though. I'm going to keep an eye on that for the next Heidi appearances. This guy's out of control over here.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Matt Walker, everybody. We're having fun in here tonight. 60 seconds for Matt Walker.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I got to tell you, unbelievable timing, Matt Walker. Exactly one minute for a guy that came out guns ablaze and speaking four feet behind the microphone. Your timing is incredible.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't know. When La Mer is pointing out multiple things that's physically wrong with you, you're in deep shit, dude.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, Matt, let's talk about it. This is your first time trying stand-up, correct? Yes, sir. Awesome. Congratulations. There it is again. So Matt, let's just jump right into it. How old are you? I am 38 years old, sir. 38 years old. You started today. What made you want to start today at 38?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Why? Because your hair is garbage? Puerto Rican. Because you say that because we should cut your hair out of a constituency of the... All right. Okay, let's keep working with this for a second. Let's do it.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, yeah. Matt, I got to tell you. I got to tell you, Matt. And I'd imagine since it's still there... In any form whatsoever, I'd imagine that your hair is something that you really love and are really holding on to.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't know why I had to make them chicken. Anyway, Matt McCusker and LaMare, 248 human beings signed up to be on this show. They are wrangled in a bar across the street right now. Absolutely. Oh, one went up my sleeve. Look at that. Here you go. Guy with the American flag hat. You want to pick the first name? Very exciting. Anything can happen.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I got to tell you, Matt, we've been doing this show a long time. There's never been anyone that came out and just got a hard laugh from the audience and the panel. I didn't know what the joke was, bro. Dude. Bro, you must be chilling by yourself a lot. You must not have one real friend in the world. I killed it, bro. Do you hang out with people? You have like a social life?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You hang out around with the same people? Yeah, bro, just close to my family and stuff, bro. You're close with your family. You have, like, buddies? You have, like, buddies that you watch sports with or anything? Like, kind of like manly men or, like... Yeah, yeah. What do they bust your balls about? They ever make jokes about you?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Like, it doesn't... There's a lot of people clapping here, but let me tell you something. You should have a problem with it, Matt.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I just can't, you know, I feel good about myself, bro. There's no way. Okay, stop saying that. You're ruining all the jokes by saying that. Sorry. Let me ask you something. Where does it start back there?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, the chin's not that bad. The chin's not that terrible. But let me tell you something, dude. You do have good eyes. I agree with Lamar. And people are staring at that thing on top of you. You're like, hey, my eyes are down here.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, I can see that. What is your love life like, Matt Walker? Are you getting a lot of... I've been with...
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yes, sir. Wow, you're holding on to that too, huh? Yeah. Do you comb them forward sometimes? All right. Wow. I mean... So you live with your parents, with your wife, and four kids. Yep. Okay.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
She's Mexican. Okay. Hispanic. Hold on. I think you were about to make a good point there.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
The first name has been picked, and we're going to go wrangle that person. While that happens, just if you guys don't know, if someone brought their brain-dead girlfriend that doesn't know anything about comedy here tonight or something. They get 60 seconds on stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
blow smoke up your ass dude no yeah I saw like the whole feat I saw the whole blowback from like and my wife too cause she's blowback is that are we talking about what happens when you with the windows rolled down just fucking hello You should relate to Trump more than anybody with a fucking whack job like that.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wait, what? Your sister died on 9-11? What do we got for that? We have a sound effect for that, Red Band? Like on the 20th anniversary? You don't have an airplane? Come on, we've already heard that. Give me a good sister died on 9-11. You don't, come on. A plane into the building. Okay, red band. That's out of control. How did your sister die on 9-11?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Absolutely incredible. Matt Walker. Yes, sir. I got to tell you. Oh, shit. What did you think was going to happen? What exactly did you think was going to happen here tonight, Matt? You barely talked into the microphone. You know what, though? You know what, though? Since you got such a big laugh before saying a single word, I'm going to give you not only some Zippix toothpicks.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
But since it was your first time and you said nice things and we're rooting for you. Shave your head and come back. Only if you shave your head are you allowed to... I'll shave my fucking head, bro, to get it. I'll do it. Will you shave it tonight?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
How many of you think we should shave this guy's head and have him come back out in a little bit? Ladies and gentlemen, history is being... Somebody shave this guy's fucking head. We're gonna bring him out a little bit later. The unthinkable is happening. Dreams are coming true. Matt Walker has debuted on Kill Tony. Literally the worst hair in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
That means wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them abruptly. I interview them. We all meet them all together. Maybe give them some advice. Maybe just find out more about their lives. What makes them interesting goes from a podcast or a stand-up set to a podcast in 60 seconds. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
We're going to get to see it shaved tonight. Somebody figure out a fucking shaving system. Oh, we're having fun here. All right, we have a special treat for y'all while we go wrangle another comedian. This is one of the most prolific regulars, ladies and gentlemen, in the history of the show. His citizenship is inevitable. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Estonian assassin.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Your first comedian tonight, a golden ticket winner on this show. We don't get to see him that often. He's a growing young boy. He is a wild growing young boy. Suffered brain damage while in the military. We love him. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Drew Nickens.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
God damn it. Unbelievable. Real fucking material. Real fucking thunder and lightning throughout. The madness! The momentum continues with the re-arrival of D-Madness, the only guy that makes six entrances per show. I'm sorry I went a little over. I'm sorry about that. Sorry, Brian. No, it's fantastic. First of all, Brian has nothing to do with the production of the show whatsoever.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Why you would apologize to him? Nobody has any idea whatsoever. It's me. It's all me, and I love it. Thank you. Has Brian ever complained to you about going too long? No, I just don't want to ruin the format.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You can ruin it all you want. Killing is killing. And you, my friend, are an absolute anomaly. Nobody does it quite like you. You're a goddamn sensation. Future American citizen. Thank you. There's no question about it now. I'm in deep with this new administration. Yeah? Oh, I am fully connected. I get a box delivered to me from West Palm Beach, Florida every fucking week now.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Got a new pen yesterday. Got some new fucking... You got a pen? Yeah, I got a lot. There's a lot. Gold ashtrays. Wow. Oh, yeah, Le Maire. You got to get Ari citizenship, dude. Oh, there's no doubt about it. You got to do it. It's on the top of my agenda, we call it.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Much like his website. I love it. Much like his website, Lemaire is having some dot fun tonight.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
He's wrapping himself up in a hoodie right now. He is looking for some type of comfort. He's forgetting that he's sweating and overheated. Actually, you've dried up a bit, Lemaire. It's incredible. Someone's about to vomit. Someone's having an interior panic attack right now. How did the sweating happen before the show and not during the show? Something is happening. He's getting chills right now.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I just need a hug, Tony. Incredible. Are we working on shaving that guy's head? It's happening? How do we even have that technology? That's all I can think about, by the way. It's absolutely incredible. What does that mean? Scissors? You're not doing scissors, are you? Clippers? Oh, we're going to my place? Oh, you have a shaver. Oh, very good. Absolutely incredible. We have
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
the production here is just incredible. What happened? Is somebody getting shaved? You didn't see the guy's hair earlier? It was bad? It looked like it was sharpied on. It looked like I drew it on like that. It looked like one of those shaky guy things with like the black dots that accumulate over something. He had real life Charlie Brown hair. That's what he had on. Ari, you are a special treat.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't want to give too much away, but I had the chance to shoot a special show in Las Vegas that is produced by the UFC last week. And I decided to take, of all people, Ari Matty with me for this first pilot episode. And him and I had... So many laughs. Such a great time. From the plane ride there all the way to the plane ride back.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
just the whole thing going off. People looking, just the wheel of fortune just fucking spinning just again and again. You put 100 in, that shit was gone fast, dude.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't know what side Estonia was on in World War II, but you got bad luck, bro. You got bad karma somewhere in your generations. But we had an absolute fucking blast. The casino literally had to rob me so that I didn't win.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I wouldn't consider it a meltdown exactly. I would consider it fair justice. You yelled time out for 10 minutes. But what happened? Yeah, it was, okay, I don't know. What would you have done? Just been like, thank you, good night? A lady pulled the ball out of the slot red nine.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
And I decided one time to take that risk. I go, I'm going to go fucking ballistic here. I'm going to put 500 on Red9. And then what happened? All of my net worth. You are a witness to this. If I tell the story, I feel like no one's going to believe me. The ball goes cray.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's literally coming to nine. It starts the trickle, starts bouncing, starts slow bouncing.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Over red nine, win the ball in the hole as it lands in red nine. She goes, re-spin. We're going to re-roll it. And I'm literally like, what the fuck is happening? And Ari's like... I go, Ari, fucking... I was so excited. I literally said, fuck Tony. He was so excited at the thought of me just randomly... Like he said, the universe... Kind of likes me. It was a fucking, it was the dealer.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
And you're exactly what is the reason they tried to cheat me at a $26,000. And then he's talking to the manager and shit. And I'm behind the pit boss. And I asked the pit boss for his fucking pit boss. They reviewed the tape. They come down. I go, well, if you fucking reviewed the tape, then you know what happened. He's like, I'm going to go review the tape again.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It was the equivalent to the Texas Longhorns game. When they threw water bottles. And then they came back and overturned the call.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Their reason for doing it, they said that in the game of roulette that there is a specific rule that happens once every... Literally, they tried to steal my money. But their explanation was that if the ball gets stuck on the wheel, which is what the dealer originally said happened, if it gets stuck and is just rolling with the wheel, which, by the way, fucking absolutely never happens...
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
But if that happens and it goes around three times, it's a reroll. That's not what happened and that's not what went down. It was actually the craziest shit I've ever seen in a casino and it just so happened to happen to me. And that was nuts. And Ari's my only witness. It was so much fun. It was so much fun. It did cost us an hour and a half of sleep.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
The reason why I put 500 on nine on that roll is because I'm like, let's get the fuck out of here. It's 2 a.m. We got to shoot a thing in the morning. Let's put a ribbon on it. Little did I know that I would be fighting for justice for the next hour and a half.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, yeah. Oh, I absolutely did. As soon as she did that, I go, time out. What the fuck just happened? And the guy at the table that didn't know me is like, it's okay, we'll just re-roll. I go, you shut the fuck up. Hold on. Hold every thought that you have in the world. I'll get back to you, sir. You really started pausing other tables.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I did not pause other tables. People will believe you if you make jokes like that. I did not pause other tables. And then he walks around the casino, my name is Tony. I did not. I would never do that. I don't know why you're saying that. I would never do that. That would be completely insane for me to do that. That would be a viral video. I wouldn't do that.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
If the internet didn't exist, I might do it. With a massive belt buckle that says kill and then your own name. Literally doesn't say that. Ari's still just making jokes over there. One of our favorite parts of the week was Dana White did something. We hung out with Dana for a second and we were amazed at how healthy he looked.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Six cups of coffee. He looks amazing. He comes in just filled with vitamins. Glowing. And then him and I guilt ate Shake Shack at the Vegas airport. We looked for the best restaurant in the Las Vegas airport for a very long time. We settled with Shake Shack.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Ari, you are the fucking man. Absolutely incredible. I dare say, truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. One more time for Ari Maddy, everybody. We're having fun out here. Your next bucket pool. We're going back to normalcy, ladies and gentlemen. Lower your expectations. We have our second Matt of the night with a Matt on the panel. We've had Matt Walker, who barely had hair.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
We have Matt McCusker, the man himself. And now the Kill Tony debut of Matt Brown, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
A fucking amazing set. Matt Brown. Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 11 years. I love it, man. It fucking shows. I love it when people that have been doing that long sign up for this show and come on and show their fucking experience. Got something on his shirt. What is it? What do you got over there, buddy?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
He's freaking out, dude. He's about to fucking vomit right now. Oh, La Mer. Oh, my God. Little Shake Shack. So 11 years. We're at Baltimore?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Awesome. Fuck yeah. You're exactly where you should be. Yo, Matt just got fired.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow. One day of you, and they're like, get the freak back in here. Yeah. What was this job?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
uh security at the moody center how you do you are you in lamar friends how did you know that oh yeah me and matt we've been doing comedy together like the whole time yeah the whole time where he just moved here a month ago yeah i know but i'm from philly and stuff oh okay like lancaster shout out lancaster pa like like 717 till i die okay all right lamar that's not gonna be too long from now
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
717 for 6 to 12 more months. I get it. There's a little Brody. Good. All right. So, wow. So, Matt, you've lived here for a month. How many times have you signed up for the show? Every time that it's... Four weeks or so. Okay. Awesome. Here it is. It's happening. What's it like over there at that place?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Then there's you. Sorry. No, you're not wrong. I'd imagine that's kind of what I had in my head. I never get to see it because I'm over here. I never really ask anybody about it. But an 11-year veteran, I'd imagine that'd be kind of annoying over there.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Oh, shit. Is she a comedian as well? No. No, she's just hanging out with you. Yeah. That's a shame that they don't... I guess that makes sense for security reasons or whatever. They don't let people come with the people that get pulled... But she'll see this on the internet. Hopefully. If she's still alive. Yeah. So what's your plan now? You just got fired from your job.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Have you been able to kind of make a living doing it lately?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I love it. An 11-year veteran. Tell us more about you. What else have you been doing?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Red Band, very excited about the Rasta horn on a punchline. There we go. So that made you jealous of a homeless guy. That happens every once in a while, being jealous of a homeless guy. It can be done. You know?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's the saddest version of I still live with my mom. That's for sure. There's no doubt about it. Okay, Matt, any hobbies or anything other than stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow, you're very close. I would not let La Mer shit in any one of my multiple bathrooms. I'm betting my whole life that you only have one bathroom, Matt Brown. Yep. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, Mayor might be one of the last people I would let shit in my place. Out of all the comedians I know, you might be the highest ranking no shit please guy.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I'd rather you go outside and literally shit anywhere outside than inside.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right. Okay, Matt, what else would we be interested to know about your entire life's history?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I'm just going to ask Lemaire. I'm going to take over Lemaire for the rest of your interview, Matt.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Cool dog named Otis. Now, is that after Otis Redding? Yes, sir.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Amazing. Amazing. If only La Mer's parents wanted to do the same thing. Matt Brown, you are a true comedian, Red Band. I would love to come to your house for Thanksgiving. You could do that. Are you going to invite the funny 11-year veteran to your comedy club next week? Yes, you can come next week. There you go. I'll help you out. Jesus Christ. That was like the lamest invite I've ever seen.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, thank you all so much. All right, Drew Nickens. The brain damage is bumping here tonight. A lot of keywords, a lot of references there. Brittany Griner, Junior, Jesse, Steph Curry, Crash Bandicoot, Mexican, Garfield. You hit a lot of... There's a lot going on in 60 seconds. Not a ton of, like, boom. Like not a lot of punch. Hooks. Not a lot of hooks. A lot of jabs. Yes, sir.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
How about I give you eight minutes on my show here on Wednesday at 7 p.m.? Does that sound fun? Okay, there you go. That's how you do it. You do a little showbiz. You give them something. Here's a big joke book. Fantastic Kill Tony debut. We hope to see you again. Matt Brown. Can I come over for Thanksgiving? All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the comedy stylings of Brianna Vasquez, everybody. Brianna. Here we go. Here's Brianna Vasquez.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. Shane's other black being confused for the other one. That is amazing what we've just witnessed here, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Brianna. So let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's your first time here for sure, but you've been doing open mics? No, this is maybe one time. You say maybe one time. LaMare, stop. You say maybe one time like you don't know if you've done it one time before. You would know.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
And you said, I'm going to go to the biggest live comedy podcast in the world.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Is that what you think? Yeah. Why didn't you do one of the stories that you think you should tell here tonight?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow, Lemaire losing all control of what he's saying into the microphone. We are slowly losing Lemaire. He is higher than his own blood sugar right now. It is incredible what's happening. We've never seen anything quite like it. I just watched his foot fall off of his leg. This is incredible. He just checked. He checked, everybody.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
For those of you wondering, just listening to the podcast, how high is La Mer? He looked to see if his own foot was detached from his body after I made a joke about his foot falling off. He looked. You can't make it up. With genuine concern, he looked under the table. Brianna, so you think you're the answer to the not enough women in comedy problem.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's amazing that somehow Chris Rogers has been drawing you this entire time from right over your shoulder. It is incredible. Brianna, what do you do for work? I'm a disability analyst. What exactly do you do? Because I'm technically a disability analyst as well.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I think I might be analyzing more disabilities than you.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You talked a lot about not being around real men, about getting a massage and it being so pleasing. Sure. What's the story with your love life? You don't have anybody to satisfy you?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay. So he's real? Yeah, he's real. Because he has a name?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Tiny little feel it out, like touch the opponent's hands kind of jabs. this was your brother? Yes, my brother Jesse. Yes, he was a wild one. What happened to Jesse in real life? What's he up to? So he's dead. Oh, okay. See, that would have been, that would have been, wow, you were quick with that. Did you know he was dead already? That was amazing.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay. Where'd you get the hat from? Was that underneath something?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay. All right. Anything crazy about your life that we would find interesting? Any fun facts about you or the way you were raised?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, great stuff, great set, great interview. Take this and we'll never see you again. There you go, Brianna Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievably rough, somehow still right now ranked the 15th funniest female comedian in the world. It's incredible, absolutely amazing how that works. I don't know what it is, perhaps. Look at the angry women. They just don't like that joke.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
They'll laugh at the handicapped people. They'll laugh at brothers getting hit by cars. You say women aren't funny. Just a bunch of women in glasses. Like, what the fuck, man? I saw you. I saw the way you looked at me. All right. Another bucket bowl. This name looks familiar. Make some noise for Billy Swift, everybody. Billy Swift.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Amazing. What are the odds of that? We have La Mer's friend being pulled out of the bucket. A guy that randomly was on the other episode. Billy's my friend too. Really?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
He is saying my name while talking to me. It is incredibly weird. Mr. Hinchcliffe. Billy, how long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
He just had his hand over the butt and like, oh, got it. Fucking nailed it, Red Band. Absolutely incredible. We're like dead band over here. You were just waiting for it. Absolutely incredible with the bell toll. So how long has your brother been dead for? He passed away seven years ago. Okay, seven years ago. And what exactly happened to your brother?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
January 1st. Okay. Absolutely. What do you do for a living?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
That's right. I remember now. You once said hanging blinds, and I made a Don't Worry D Madness. Billy does MMA, too. I'm sorry. Wait, really? You do MMA? LaMera is the best interview assistant I've ever had in my life. I could really use you. No, it's every guy here. You know how to play an instrument, LaMera? You could join the band. We could have you up here every episode.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Perhaps the ham bone, perhaps? Tell us about this MMA career, Ears.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I trained for a long time. Lemaire? Lemaire has something to say about his client?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. American Top Team. I used to train with American Bottom Team. Motherfuckers wouldn't know what hit them. That's right. You don't want to know. What does it do? Okay, Billy, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
How did that happen? Can you give me an example of how that happened?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
We found the two huge coke heads in the crowd. Coincidentally, the one that keeps clanking his teeth when Heidi comes out. A round of a teeth for Heidi. Wow. Incredible. So that makes you feel like God doing coke on 6th Street.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
And you got a big joke book last time? Yes, sir, I did. Well, you're going to get booked a little more. Another good appearance, Billy Swift, ladies and gentlemen. Well, we are now. We're going to wrangle another name. Oh, that's inside? Let's do that right now then. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool is inside. There is an I next to the name. It could be you if you signed up.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Ladies and gentlemen, he goes by the name of Dusty Carter, everybody. Dusty Carter. Oh, it's one of our own names. One of our own people. Make some noise for Dusty Carter, everybody.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
All right, Dusty Carter, you did it. You work here as one of the production assistants, correct? We all work for you, Tony. Well, that's not true, Dusty, and a simple yes would have done. Not everybody here works for me, but again, okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years, and you are from Kentucky. How long have you been in Austin? I'm not in Austin.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yes. Wow. And do you sign up every week? Yes, sir. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Second week of July 2023. 248 people signed up today to think that it's been that long and this is your first time. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow. You fell in love with a woman that had four kids already.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Lemaire has picked up his microphone, ladies and gentlemen. Dude, he has a step-by-step kit. Lemaire somehow... I don't know where that came from, Lemaire, but that was incredible. Step-by-step kit. So, Dusty, tell us more about you. What do you think is the most hillbilly thing about you? Your look is incredible. You look like you're from the top left corner of the GTA map. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You look like the GPS that you plug in to get here is on a four-wheeler.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Go to the well? We had a well for a while, but our house burnt down. Oh, you are just as trash as it gets. I love this. I love it. And when your house starts burning down, if you don't have running water, a little fun fact, you are fucked. Yeah. You just watch it go. There's really nothing you could do. Just grab the TV. Yeah. Grab the kids too, but the TV first.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, when you don't have shoes, you can't put them on. Damn right. You finished it. I started it. You finished it. Me and Dusty do a comedy duo thing every once in a while.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Where... Red Band. Red Band, where's your noise at? Where's your noise? You are absolutely hijacking the episode. This is what happens when Red Band kills. Red band. Wow. Three minutes into the episode, red band on a destructive path. I noticed you were sucking on those vodka Red Bulls a little fast earlier. All of a sudden, I'm a fan of it. Okay, so two cars at once. Talk about crash bandicoot.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Actually, no. How did that happen, exactly? What's the order of events for her to not be gay anymore?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
First of all, let's slow it down real quick. Because when you said that she was interested in women all of a sudden, that you were kind of not into it, but then you let her do what she wanted, did you hang out with the two chicks at the same time?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, let's talk more about that. Somehow there's a penguin involved or something like that. Oh, yes, that is a dolphin. Thank you, John Dees. John Dees, a master of water animals. Not a lot of people know that, but I knew it was a dolphin. I don't know why I said that. Let's talk about this Kentucky threesome.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yep, okay. So, uh... So you and all your cousins got together next time. A good old Kentucky orgy, or as we call it, a family reunion. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Thanksgiving Day. We grab for the turkey at the same time. Let's fuck over it. Whoever gets the bigger part of the wishbone gets the other bigger part of the bone. Oh, my God. You dirty bastard. Okay. So, Dusty.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Right, no, exactly. Did it make you more of a man, you think? Did you have a beard before the threesome?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I am falling deeply in love with La Mer. I had a feeling this was gonna happen here tonight. This is incredible.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
So you're like, this is too much goddamn pussy. Fucking Disney World and all these pussies.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, you're basically the guy carrying the fucking bags through the airport at that point.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
My God, this is my favorite show on the Travel Channel. This is fucking Kentucky polyamory, 10 p.m. every Thursday. Holy shit, Matt Walker. I mean, I feel like I could interview you forever. I feel like this goes on. In fact, I will. What were you an ex-con for?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow. Look at you. Orgies and meth. Breaking bad and breaking bed. This is incredible.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
So you ran. Of course. And what kind of vehicle were you in?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. Okay, and you just hit the gas out there on the Kentucky roadways.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
That's not the first time we've heard that tonight. No. But I didn't let the wreck stop me. You know? Yeah. You got 99 problems, but a ditch ain't one. Nope. Absolutely incredible. Well, Dusty, I hope you keep signing up, and I hope I pull you out again sometime. Hopefully it doesn't take another year or so for that to happen. This bucket's wild, man.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You know, normally this would be the part of the show where I go, no way to end an episode other than with the next guy. But ladies and gentlemen, we have a very, very special treat. I don't know how many of you have a lack of short-term memory in the room, but earlier here on this show, the unthinkable happened. when we were introduced to the worst haircut in Kill Tony history.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Tell me about it. Oh, my God. You sound like Frogger. Frogger is black. Oh, and your brother is black. Now, something that we forget a lot here is that Drew Nickens is black.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here to say hello and give a little acceptance speech with his brand new haircut, how loud can this place get for the long-awaited return of Matt Walker!
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Dude. This is a grown man in the middle of the audience just yelled, you're gorgeous. This is a night and day difference.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Matt, we all see how you look. I can guarantee you there's not a human in the world that doesn't think you look better now than you did earlier. I needed it. Thank you, Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I love that Jenny Jones is the reference. A 22-year-old reference, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
This is incredible. It went from being... Your bad hair went from being your identity, a thing that was stopping people from paying attention to you, taking you seriously, to... I mean, this is what you should have looked like all along. Do you think you're going to go back to the Sharpie marker?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
This is incredible. This is incredible. I appreciate it, bro. Honestly, I'm kind of pissed because I realized I might be a year away from shaving my head too. It's quite sad. I feel like it's a beautiful head. Matt, what do you think your lady is going to say? I think she'll be happy with it.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Everybody's been holding back, bro. You walked into a chamber of truth here tonight, and I mean... I didn't know what everybody was laughing about when I first walked out, bro, I'll be honest.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It is seriously the most undeniable physical and perhaps any type of change I've ever seen anybody go through in a single episode. You seem happier. And he's funny now. John Dees just said you're funny now. Thanks. Well, fuck yeah, bro. There you go. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You know what I'm going to do since you were such a fucking good sport about this, and clearly that really meant the world to you holding on until the very last second. But because you were such a good sport, we have these more Zippix here. There's these mocha Zippix. Mocha flavor. Now, this is supposed to be one of the best flavor of nicotine toothpicks. No, you know what I'm going to do?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I'm going to give you, in one month, let's see another new minute. Automatically, you don't have to worry about signing up. Wait a month, and I can guarantee you that the people will be highly looking forward to that set in a month. Talk to Yoni. We'll give you an exact date. And there he goes, Matt Walker.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I mean, come on. That might be in the history of makeovers. That might be both the easiest makeover and the most effective makeover of all time. Wow. Kill Tony, changing lives for all types of different disabilities. I just shot a snot rocket out of my nose laughing at that. I almost did too. I didn't have to say disabilities there, but God damn it.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
What a great, fun, you guys have a fun time tonight? Well, it is that time to put a ribbon on it, and there's only one fucking way to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Virginia Vermouth, the Kentucky Derby, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery!
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Ladies and gentlemen, the record holder for all-time new minutes. The record holder for all-time interviews. The reigning, defending Hall of Famer. He is the Jon Jones of the Kill Tony universe. undefeated, absolutely strategic brilliance.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Was it like elevated up on a wall or something? Or was it kind of like close to you? Was it a big room?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen. Red Band, making up for 11 and a half years. 11 and a half years, he was the weakest link, and now he's thriving, ladies and gentlemen. This is his moment. I had the Tom Brady roast. He had the first five minutes of this episode. This is a breakout mainstream moment for Brian Redman. We are waiting for it to slow down. It is unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
William, have you ever thought that maybe you're the creepy guy? Why are you always looking out of blinds and stuff? I'm curious to see what's on the other side of them. It comes up like once a week. Like you're always like looking out your curtains and stuff. Like your head looking out of curtains is scary. You are like a young version of the old man from Home Alone that like shovels the snow.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You look like a young version of that guy. Old man shovel slayer, I think it is.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
He was a really nice man. But there was a dark side to him. He would go through the drawers of Airbnbs and whatnot. Yeah. Kid stuff. Playing with kid stuff. Looking out of his blinds.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
What made you even begin to ask her? Was she already heckling?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
She was just being it was a loud, horrible, loud 24 year old in Gainesville, Florida. This is incredible. I can't believe it. Yeah. Wow. It was horrible. Oh, my goodness gracious.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Talking with the girl? Yeah. Yeah, it ended up being a... 30 plus minutes, perhaps, by this review that I'm seeing online that Red Band just pointed out to me. 30 plus minutes of it was him just screaming at this white chick and her date. Saying shit like, quote, shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch. I love your energy, but laugh at the punchlines, you dumbass. Yeah. And at her boyfriend.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You should actually be embarrassed. I really hope you're embarrassed right now because you should be. Control your bitch, dog. Seriously, it was good.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
The chick yells before he even gets to the punchline. He starts berating her repeat. He did this 10 plus times for his set. I'm not exaggerating. I guess I would guess at least 10 plus times. And I was already extremely annoyed by the seventh time. So was my girlfriend. They were annoying as fuck and the drunk white chick legit couldn't fathom that she was the problem he was addressing.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their life? Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. And how about a hand for the best damn band in the land, live in the flesh. Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
The same thing happened at Casey Rockets' part of the show. She kept screaming, give me the key, I want the key, after he did his Dutchman's key bit. However, Casey addressed it once and then never again. He just kept pushing through his golden material. William, however, would just not let it go.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Why didn't they kick her out, though? This seems like it's the club's fault. It's a Sunday show in Gainesville, Florida. It was fun. It's kind of like a perfect storm. I mean, that's what happens. That's kind of how it goes. But overall, a great weekend, it sounds like. Did you have good seats for the game? Were you on the sideline?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Now, there is a really decent chance, and I mean a really, really fucking decent chance, this show is seen by millions and millions of people, that the woman that was at your show in Gainesville is being shown this clip right now by somebody in Florida.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
We've never seen anything like it. He's drinking his power juice. This is absolutely amazing. This is a moment nobody will ever forget, especially Drew's brother. So, Drew, how's comedy going for you?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
So, why don't you look right at that camera right there if you have any words that you'd like to say to her now, now that a little bit of time has passed. William, the final words to the drunk girl.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wow, that really took all the comedy out of this. Literally the opposite of comedy and apology, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
How about for the live audience and the millions of people watching around the world, why don't you say something other than, well, I guess it's over now. How about, what would you like to say to the... And I heard you had a bowl for me.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Lamar, how did you break William's bowl? Just being fat. You had it in your back pocket?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
William, is there anything you would like to say to La Mer about him not bringing you a brand new bowl?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
We have a new apologetic, calm William Montgomery. Someone's been making a lot of cameo money lately. This guy used to.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. Do you think Joe Rogan has the money to spare to give away a green room pipe like that?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
He's extremely rich. I was just making a joke. You shouldn't give William the pipe from the green room. I know. I'm sorry. Welcome to an apology-filled ending to Kill Tony. William, anything else you want to passionately say or anything else you're passionate about?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
But those people are idiots, so that doesn't matter what they say. Absolutely. Ladies and gentlemen, the golden goat, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. He's done it again. The drawing is in from Ryan J. E. Belt. Let's see what Chris Rogers has over there. It is indeed Michael Gonzalez. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Matt McCusker? Matt and Shane's Secret Pod.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Make sure you catch him on tour. He's literally one of the best comedians out there. MattMcCusker.com for tickets. How about a hand for the Kill Tony debut of LaMare Lee, everybody? One of my instant favorites, Panties in the Mouth Pod and LaMareLee.fun. Just a reminder, it's .fun if you're looking for LaMare tickets, not .com. LaMareLee.fun. One more time for the best stand band in the land.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Absolutely amazing. Did they come through the door voluntarily or do you have to get hit by a car?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yes, absolutely amazing. How do people find, like, where do you go? It's a website or something.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay. Absolutely amazing. Oh, yeah. We have really... Yeah. We covered it. Drew, thank you so much for starting the show. A new minute. We're going to continue to watch him grow, ladies and gentlemen. Drew... All right, our first bucket pool of the night. You guys know how this goes. Anything can happen. Could be somebody having the life-changing moment of their career, like Red Band is tonight.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Or it could be somebody that fails miserably. Maybe they live down the street. Maybe they traveled from around the world. Anything can happen. Your first bucket pool, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, goes by the name of Fred Go. Fred Go.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Okay, Fred, go. Am I saying that right? Go, Gio? It's supposed to be a G and then a dot. G dot. Oh, Fred G. Yeah, Fred G. But you did the dot. You made a little circle. Yeah. I was trying to be cute. Okay. Okay. Well, I mean, that's where being cute gets you. It turns you into Fred Go. Yes, sir. Let's go. Okay. All right, Fred. So how long have you been doing stand-up, Fred?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
This is my third time on stage. Good. Good. I'm glad. Anything else would have been crazy. Sorry. Where are you from? I'm from Germany. Germany. Okay, you're originally from Germany?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
He stated they have a rule that we have to change the hookah and make a refill after one hour because they have this rule, and it's not true. He would not change the charcoal for us, and when he did, he only added one charcoal. I would not recommend anyone to come here. You feel very unwelcome. I will never come back again. Ike G responded. I'm sorry, but your review is lie. Oh, my God!
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You were smoking same hookah for three hours. There was nothing left in it. My hookah chef asked if you'd like a refill. You refused.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I swear to God. I'm not kidding, by the way. It would be funny for me to just read the same response. I swear to God. You could check these reviews. Hold on. Don't scroll.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay, one year review, one year ago. I and husband's experience here was absolutely awful with two exclamation points. We came to this place looking at their Yelp reviews as we were in San Diego for celebrating our anniversary. The pictures and the reviews are all so deceiving. I wonder how they got all these nice reviews. Let's start with the ambiance. Nothing looks like the pictures.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
We get such a negative energy from the moment we met the people at the entrance. They were not welcoming at all. Still, we went in, because again, the Yelp reviews looked so good. Went upstairs and got seated. The entire time we were there, it literally felt like people, all these people were here for a different reason. You know what I mean? Felt super uncomfortable.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
The vibe was absolutely dead, and the music selection is awful. Still out of court courtesy, we ordered two drinks and wanted a water with it. Well, guess what? You have to buy your water. Yeah, it's California, Dennis. IG responded. Everything you wrote here is a lie. Including prices for water. Managers do not yell. This looks like an ad for Werewolf. You wrote that? Fuck yeah.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And that is indeed the one and only Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Live, in the flesh, the real deal. How about a hand for Max Frost on the pre-show music? What a star. God, you gotta love Austin, Texas. You never know what musician or comedian you will find here. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, Blue Nile, and Prize Picks. And life is good.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I love that you respond. I'm going to read just a couple more of these reviews. Even though it looks like I could go, stop scrolling. I could do this all night. We could just keep you up here. This could be Ike Gazarian's episode. Here's the review. Small place, small portion, very expensive. Not recommend this place. Hookah smoke confuses appetite. My friends. Did you write your own review?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
G responded. 3,200 square feet of small place. Large portion. Hookah Confuses at Hookah Lounge? Very interesting. Oh, this is the greatest shit ever in the history of the show. I think we just found a new spinoff where we just have business owners come on and we read their...
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, it is not. Pushkin is spelled P-U-S-H-K-I-N. Lounge and bar in San Diego. Oh, and we know. I mean, we read. Your Yelp is thousands of reviews of strong, almost a super solid five. It was very hard to find the ones. There's very few ones. And your responses are unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
So, one last one. Seven months ago. One star. The hookah server is horrible. No manners and no customer service. He is rude and asked us to change the hookah head after one hour of smoking or he won't bring charcoal. He said it's a rule here, but after speaking with the other server, he denied what he said. It feels... Wow. It feels that... Oh, it feels that he is forced to work there.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Ike G. responded. I'm sorry you and your friend felt the need to leave two reviews. You were smoking the same hookah for three hours. There was nothing left in it. My hookah chef asked if you like refill. You refused. You know, coals can't save a hookah that's been smoked for hours. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah work. You can't smoke ashes. Wow.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Wow. I mean, so interesting. A wildly successful restaurant, it seems. Was, yes.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And you lit the stage on fire. Thank you, sir. To the point to where we might need to change the charcoals, but being told we're not allowed for another hour. And unfortunately, we can't smoke ashes. Do you ever smoke Ukrainian ashes?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I love it. Ike, what else do you do for fun? What else about you? You seem like a naturally very funny guy. I love writing a lot. Is this your wife? Yes. Wow. Right here on my t-shirt. Oh, my God. Look at you represent. Hell, yeah. She doesn't want you getting any pussy. Look at that. Baby, wear a hoodie with my face on it. That's how I get the pussy, by the way. Oh, okay. No, no, honey.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you right here, right now.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Of course not. Oh, hell, yeah. You got 99 problems, but abortion ain't one. I love it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
This is amazing. No doubt about it, Ike. And I'll tell you, you're getting a big joke book. Congratulations. You did it. There's nothing in it. You have to write in it. I don't know what you're looking for. It's blank pages. It's for you to write jokes in. I appreciate that, Tony. Did you think there was Yelp reviews in there? I thought I had to write my name in it or something. Ike, you did it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That's what the show's all about. Different people, different shapes and sizes and accents and everything. And you were very fun. Congratulations and thank you. Thank you guys so much. Thank you guys so much. Pushkin. Go to Pushkin in San Diego. Show your support. Eat pierogi, smoke hookah. Don't stay too long. Or else it'll burn out.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name One Minute Uninterrupted for Matt Banwart. Matt Banwart. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Matt. Banwart. Am I saying that right? Banwart? You're nailing it, dude. Absolutely. I was wondering because you kind of had bad handwriting. And now I see why. It makes perfect sense.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Huh, interesting. All right, Edward vibrator hands. I thought it would be good. I thought you'd be like Michael J. Fox or something. You know what I mean?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Was it a clear picture or was it all shaky? Ew. You make a great point. I'd imagine you're one of the worst photographers in the history of human civilization.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Every single week, I book the show, and what a great way to do it tonight. Two of the funniest human beings that have ever been guests on this show. Literally, one of them is the guest with the record, I do believe. We have to double-check it, but I do believe he passed the late, great Brody Stevens for appearances on this show.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okie dokie. All right there, shaky hands Jenkins. Let's just keep this interview going. What did you do for work before being able to depend completely on stand-up comedy? Yeah, I did... You made martinis at a bar or something like that? Spoiler alert, not stirred.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You did that on a keyboard with a computer? Just XR, XR, TT, TT, TT, LOL, LOL, LOL. Fuck. This job fucking sucks.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I'm just kidding around. I'm kidding around. How about hobbies? What do you do when you're not doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That's a weird thing to lie about. You said you're really great at something.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah. We have this super fast kicker that can't kick. But it is a good thing to have when you're being chased by homeless people in Austin, Texas. So, Matt, other than sprinting, do you have any other hobbies or anything else that you do other than stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, yeah, that's a reach. Don't know why I checked in with you there. Jesus. Okay, Matt. I feel like there's probably something more interesting about your life. Do you have any siblings that have this shaky disorder? Your family? Is it genetic? What do doctors actually say to you? Have you gotten it checked out?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I'd love one. All right, well, I'm going to have to go buy one after this. Matt, I like your style. You're getting a big joke book. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. If you catch it, that is. The moment of truth. Wow, amazing. Matt, fan award, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. First shaky hands comedian that wasn't made a golden ticket winner in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your guests. Two of the best. It's Luis J. Gomez and Joe List!
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
All right, your next bucket full goes by the name of Jeffrey Lee, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Make some noise for Jeffrey Lee, everyone.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
All right. Okay. Jeffrey Lee. Homeless, with a gym membership, living in a van. That's pretty much everybody's interview. Not usually their minute. You just stated a bunch of obvious facts. That we already knew. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, one time. Yeah, I remember you. Oh, dear. Oh, D's leaving. He's seen enough.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah. Uh, okay. So, uh, Joe List, what do you think about this guy?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, you're really... Have you been doing stand-up? Yeah, uh...
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Joe List is here. The birds are flying. This is fun. What a perfect little duo. Two great friends from the city of New York. A beautiful, beautiful place if you don't count illegal immigrants lighting innocent women on fire on subways. But other than that, a stunning city that we visit two nights a year exclusively to do your biggest arena.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You work day shift at a bar on purpose. And you still aren't doing stand-up at night.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You're definitely not doing enough. Is this like a heaven-themed bar where they have a Jesus guy out front? It's like, come in, my child.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
All right. Most interesting thing that has happened to you, living this life of bars during the day? Jeffrey Lee. Oh. You must have seen something crazy or interesting or funny, perhaps, at all? Live on a comedy show? I'm sorry, dude.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Now we're talking. Who would guess? The guy looked like that being persecuted. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No, we know. We know. You're stating a lot of obvious things.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
All right. Well, Jeffrey, here's a little joke book, dude. Wait, you probably got one last time, right? I got a big joke book last time. No way. How the fuck did that happen? I mean, I can be pretty funny. What was the joke that you did last time you were on? Do it again. Just do it with confidence. Look out there to the crowd and do it. For the love of God, Jeffrey, fucking do something.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You've done nothing. It's been four minutes and 45 seconds of, well, this guy looks like fucking Jesus a little bit. Just fucking do it, Jeffrey, for the love of goddamn God. Your father. For the love of your father.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Is that it? Are you waiting? Are you like pausing? Are you thinking? Are you writing it right now? What is happening? What did you do before this? You see, you gotta give him a little time, Tony. Oh, didn't mean to break up your brilliant comedic pacing. I'm watching people put guns in their mouths in the crowd. Little did we know the punchline is right around the corner.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
How silly of me to think that you ran out of gas there. I was pulling something out. Here we go. Are you still got it? No, no. Okay, there he goes, everybody. Jeffrey Lee. Jesus fucking Christ. All right. Put that mic stand back on the X. Thank you. There he goes. Jeffrey Lee. There he goes. Oh, Jesus Christ almighty.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I must have been in a hell of a good mood that night. All right, your next bucket pool has been on this show numerous times before. This is the return of Ali Musa, everybody. Ali Musa is back.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And I'm glad you guys could make it to a city with law and order.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
All right, thank you. Allie Musa, solid set. Laughs the whole way through. Almost made us completely forget about Jeffrey Lee, who was just up here minutes ago. It's incredible. We went from Jesus to the devil that fast. Here he is, everybody. The dark lord Lucifer has arrived. Speaking of darkness, D-Madness is back. All right on cue. You are what you see. Pure darkness. The great D-Madness.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Ali, that was a great set. Thank you. Especially for what we've seen before, I feel like, right? I feel like that was your best set.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You look like it. Yeah. You look like you're exhausted. You're a very funny looking guy. You're aware of this. Oh, yeah, yeah. Incredible. How's life been going?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Tell us what that's like. Give us an example for the people watching at home.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And your ethnicity. Remind us again exactly what you have to have running through your veins to have a face like that.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
We've already done all that. This is your sixth time on the show. So what's changed in your life recently, Ali? Anything different since the last time you were on?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Well, in their defense, you do look like their perfect prey, Joe List. I mean, I'm not even homeless and I want to chase you sometimes when I see you.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What time do you wake up? Like 10 or 11. And what do you do when you first wake up?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
So tell us about that night. You bomb in a Mexican restaurant. She's laughing the whole time. How do you get to say hello to her? Do you go right up to her and go, Jesus, thank you for laughing?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What's your living situation, being an Uber Eats delivery driver?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Well, Ali, you've been on the show numerous times before. You know what?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, hell yeah. There you go. Much like Christmas, you're on a secret show. There goes Ali Musa, everybody. Let's get some new names out here. Let's see what happens here. Maybe... I don't know if this is new or not. Make some noise a minute uninterrupted for Anthony Walton, everybody. Anthony Walton. We've seen Anthony before.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That is Austin, Texas. That was Austin Parade. That's our annual parade. The homeless go one way, hipsters go the other way. It's true chaos. You guys have done this show before. You know how it works. A lot of the open micers are out of town.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Anthony Walton, been on the show before. It seemed like a good set for you.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Wow. Look at you. It's been a fucking show. One of the funniest Mexican chipmunks I've ever seen. Joe List.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Just kidding. It's what I do. It happens. It happens. I tell everybody the same thing. Go do it. It's pretty easy. The fact that open mics are free is an unbelievable blessing that no other industry has. Luis J. Gomez.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Remember those days? I was like a real human being. Okay. That's fun. Oh, yeah. Near the staircase there. At the hyenas. I know what you're talking about. I used to do that. There's really nowhere else to go. They don't have an actual green room at that hyena's. Or else you never would have met me. One of the only comedy clubs in the country without a green room. They have one now, I was informed.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
A record for the least sign-ups we've had since being here at the Mothership, 185 people are across the street, stacked on top of one another in a bar called Poor Choices. And if I pull their name out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. Woo!
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I don't know. They built one. But yeah, the owner told me when I was at a theater in Dallas just a few months ago.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What was that? No, I blanked out. I forgot Randy's name. Randy is the owner of the Hyenas in Dallas. So do you still live in Dallas?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What's something crazy that's happened to you here in Austin? It's a wild town. It's very alive.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
There seems to be a theme here tonight where I'm asking people what's crazy about their lives. They go, just doing comedy, and there's homeless people. Is there anything else other than tonight, like what you saw outside, homeless, and comedy inside?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, okay, so pretty much the same theme. All right. Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, what do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, Michael, you know about Animals? Big Mike knows about Animals as Leaders. Big Mike, as of last week, is his new name. All right. You ever do any music yourself?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You do? Well, great. Let's play some metal music. Let's hear some vocals. Anthony Walton, one, two, one, two, three, four.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I swear to God, if this show doesn't pick up, I'm going to bring Ike Gazarian back here. We're going to read Yelp reviews for the rest of the fucking night. There he goes. Did you get a big joke book before? Never before? There you go, buddy. Congratulations. There he goes. Anthony Walton. I'm barely kidding, by the way. I swear to God, two more bad comedians in a row. Go track down Ike Gazarian.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Have him on deck. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Davey Jackson.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which brutally interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We laugh about what could possibly have happened during their set, or what else they could possibly talk about, or what else is interesting in their lives.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Davey Jackson, good set. Great stuff. We know for a fact from your appearances on this show before that you indeed have been stabbed by a Mexican woman.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Was that her name? You ever hook up with good old Chlamydia Jenkins? There we go. I believe she plays for one of the WNBA teams. That's a man, baby. There you go. Davey Jackson, welcome back to the show. What's been going on?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Tell us more about that. How does a conversation like that start and go down?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And he had a little golden retriever with him. He did, actually. Yeah. No, he has a very skinny golden retriever. He's friends with David Lucas. Oh, okay.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah. That tracks. Checks out. Yeah, he does love hanging around white bitches. Oh, not my boy Kyle. No, no, he's all right. He's okay. Rogan did make fun of his dog in the green room one night.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
My friend with the Kill Tony hat, I'm going to let you do the honor of picking the first name. The Bucket of Destiny has spoken, and that is indeed a legible written name. And that person will be wrangled, and they will be the first bucket pool of the night. But while we wrangle that person, we're going to get a golden ticket winner up here who is fun to watch.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Because as Rogan called out, he goes, you got it? He goes, you got your dog neutered, huh? And he's like, yeah. He goes, I can tell. Yeah, marshmallow fuss, dude. Which is like one of the... Which is, by the way, if you're wondering, for me, a roaster or whatever, right? That is just one of the coldest disses that I've ever seen a human land on another human. I can tell. Your dog's a pussy.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
It really kind of is. It's kind of like an underdeveloped golden retriever. Very skinny. It looks very, very... He's anemic.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, it's a sad dog. You would think if someone was going to put him down, it would be Kyle Rittenhouse. Jesus Christ. But obviously... Execute the golden retriever.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Let's review the tape. Let's review the tape. One star, you cannot smoke ash. Let's go back to breeding kink for a second. Because I've never even heard of such a verbiage of something before. I think everybody doesn't, isn't it just human to want to come inside of something?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
One guy over there has never thought about it. What? What the fuck? Wait, you can do that, man? Fucking unbelievable. Meanwhile, the Puerto Rican guy with a Puerto Rican of himself on a Puerto Rican shirt of himself is like, I don't even know what the fuck pulling out is, dude.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
So when you say you have a breeding kink, does that mean like, I mean, can you help us understand?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Have you done it before? Have you gotten women pregnant? How many abortions are under your belt or her belt?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And you know what I like about this guy? This isn't one of our... big blast-out superstars. What I like about this guy is that the plan is to hopefully watch him grow in real time over a long period of time on this show. He has had gone through traumatic brain injury, ladies and gentlemen. He has the record for most appearances on one episode of a show.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay, so if you had to guess how many abortions you have under your belt,
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
If you had to guess how many abortions you don't know of and totaled them up, how big would this family of fallen angels be? Fuck.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Incredible. Do we have an abortion sound effect? Can you go to... What do we got here? Wait, oh.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
There it is. It has arrived to the heavens. Oh, and a fart. Wow. I guess that's a side effect of whatever they give you for abortions. Yeah. Oh, Red Band. Red Band, that's too much. That's too much, Red Band. Oh, the crowd goes wild. Red Band is on fire. An incredible set of noises for the abortion. Wow. I can't believe you did that. That is... Oh, God. Oh, no.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You deserve it after that. Red Band on the soundboard. There it is, right here. Right here. Hey, Red Band! Wow. Red Band is a natural Beethoven on this iPad. It is absolutely incredible. That was a true journey. Have you ever taken a woman to get an abortion? Yeah. Yeah, I have. And what is that drive like for you exactly? Real funny.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Well, it would have been twice as expensive as one abortion.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That is a good point. So you had a threesome and you came inside of one of the girls.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And would you have come inside of the other girl if you would have been inside of her at the time?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
So, okay, now we're getting somewhere. This is what I look for every episode, is a moment of an interview where it's like, finally, some fresh meat, something new. So, this breeding kink... where you want to get a woman pregnant. Part of it is based on the fact that she might make a good mother, even though you don't want her to actually have the baby.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
The part that turns you on is that she seems like she would be a good mother. Absolutely. And sometimes you do this with a woman that you met that night. This feels like an SAT question. It's more like an STD question. There it is. But sometimes it's a one-night stand. Oh, this woman who's obviously had many abortions can't take any more of this. She's crying and leaving, stumbling her way out.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
This is a brand new minute from the one and only Drew Nickens.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, my goodness. That is the sound of... Oh, my God. That is the sound of an angry woman that's had many abortions leaving. Okay. Ho, ho, ho. What? Where did Santa come from? Oh, my goodness. Another baby down the chimney. There they go. All right. Okay. What was my question? Oh, yeah. I don't even remember anymore. So, okay, so sometimes you'll meet a woman, right?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And you'll, like, hook up with her that night. And if she seems... What makes a woman seem maternal to you? A guy who obviously didn't have a real mom in your life. Whoa!
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
He alluded to his mother watching the show. You see this? Okay, okay. Wow. We are finding out a lot right now. So, a very close connection with your mother.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You do? We all do. Okay. Thank you, thank you, yeah. Because we're good sons. No, he's saying that he kisses your mom on the lips.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay. Wow. This is just incredible to me. So, does your mom know that you love coming inside of Mexican women?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Do you think she would still kiss you directly on the lips if she does?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Davey Jackson, very fun interview. Great stuff. You already have a big joke book. Yes, sir. On to the next one. There he goes, Davey Jackson.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
All this talk of breeding, and here comes Heidi right on cue. All right, your next bucketful. This looks like a new name, which is very exciting to me at this point. Make some noise for Toddy Tindall, everybody. Toddy Tindall.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, you were looking at me. You were done. I'm directing things, making the whole show happen. Toddy Tindall, everybody. Okay. Well, let's just jump right into it, Joe List. Did you eat a bee's nest right before you came out? You do have somewhat of what one would almost call some kind of accent or impediment or something. Do you know about this? I need a drink. Your mouth is dry. Yes, sir.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I haven't drank this one yet. Give him a little sip of that water there. Thank you. This guy's mouth is... Wow. Absolutely incredible. So you were working a door at a bar and a woman went up the stairs with no underwear on and had a big vagina. Yeah. That's basically what you were saying there.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Wow, you sound totally fine now. Amazing. Okay, so let's get right into it, Toddy. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Three months. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir. Is this where you're from?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You moved from Carlsbad, New Mexico. How long ago did you move?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
47. Lewis J. Gomez. Speaking of which, Labor Day is the last comic's favorite holiday. That is true because women go into labor. I would have said his least favorite holiday because he has nothing but abortions. but it works out. Either way, obviously, was not funny. I'm trying up here, folks. Okay. So, I love it. Toddy Tindall, what made you want to start stand-up comedy at the sweet age of 47?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay. And how did you lose that job? The company I was working for lost the contract. Okay. But you were good? You were good at working in oil?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
So, Toddy Tindall. Is that your real name? My name's Todd. I love it. I love it. Is your real last name Tindall? Yes, sir. Todd Tindall. Look at you. Okay, so let's talk about it. What have you been doing your whole life other than working in the oil field? Do you have any kids? Are you gay? I am not gay. Your S's are... You, stop it. You sound like a real man until you hit those S's.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You don't notice that? That little fucking gas leak you got going on in there? You don't notice that little fucking?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Did you just say your husband gets hit on by men? You have another sip of that fucking water, Todd. Have another sip of that water. You're getting gayer and gayer. Your mouth dries up and you're fucking... This guy gets gay by the second. This is absolutely incredible. Hell yeah. Okay. So the gay men love you. How do you know the gay men love you?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Where was this at? Where did this guy call you a beautiful man? I presently work the door at Poor Choices. Oh, wow. So you work the door at the bar in which people sign up and are stationed for this show.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
There it is. Tonight was your night off. And you're inside of Poor Choices.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Incredible, Todd. So what do you do for fun? You seem like a man with many hobbies. I bet you have your own little train set or something like that.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What's the craziest thing that's happened to you with these reptiles?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Dude, I know it must be weird coming from me, but, bro, I got news for you, dude. You're gay, bro. We are going to figure this out tonight, Toddy. I got news for you, dude. This is a very special talent that I have.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
It is unbelievable. I have to be on the defense at all times. I cannot drop my keys or anything around people like you. You just said that you got bibas. I mean, it is just blatant. It is blatant. Have you ever tried being with a man? No, I have not. Joe List.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, I bet you've heard all the reptile jokes. Why don't you do some for us? Oh, no, just that one. Oh, okay. That's about it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You have five kids from four different women. You have a breeding kink. This is a breeding kink-themed show all of a sudden. There are dudes just blasting, just raw-dogging it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Incredible. Incredible. So, okay. All these kids are in Arizona?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Absolutely incredible. And how about now? What are you doing nowadays?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, wait a second. It's a flag on the play. You just said fuck stick, and we all heard it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yikes. All right, Toddy, let me ask you this. Let's go this direction to try to crack this code. What is the gayest thing you've ever done in your life? Oh, you got a quick answer here. That finger went right up. I can already tell now you're doing it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay. Okay. Oh, people are disgusted here in Texas. Just, oh God. Where was this at? Where did you kiss this dude? Where on his body did you kiss him?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
We're getting a little bit closer here. We've made it to buttholes, ladies and gentlemen. We are getting warmer on the... I'm gonna even let Red Band do a second fart noise this episode. There you go. You've earned it, buddy. You've earned it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Drew Nickens. I don't know if I mentioned this before his set, but he's suffered from a traumatic brain injury before. How you doing, Drew? I'm great! How are you, Mr. Tony? Hell yeah, you got a lot of energy. How did that feel for you?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay. Let's find out more gay things about you. What's your favorite kind of music? What kind of music do you like to listen to?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I did not see Tallica coming there. I thought it was a Donna for sure.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yes, a perfect Metallica reference. Totally making up for that Labor Day joke from just a few minutes ago. Wow, four kids. I just can't believe it. No, five. Five fucking kids. Four moms. Do you stay in communication with them? Oh, yeah. You're a good dad. I am. Wow. What are you doing for them for Christmas?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I love it. Hell yeah. That's a New Mexico delight, going to Walmart with a gift card.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, Toddy. Well, I got to tell you, it's a hell of a Kill Tony debut. Your minute was... What was it? It was just... It was fabulous. It was a gay old time. It was a gay old time. It's hard out there to be a gay man with a dry mouth. Nobody likes getting their dick sucked by a sandpaper vacuum. Wow, you have a sound effect for that? That's incredible.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, I need an ambulance for my dick. All right. So the set was terrible, barely understandable with the dry mouth. I mean, it really was. And you need to get that mic a little bit closer to your mouth when you're trying to, I know that'll be easy for you. But I'll tell you what, the interview was so good that instead of a little joke book, we're going to go with a medium joke book.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And there he goes. All right, thanks. Toddy Tindall, everybody, making his Kill Tony debut. Congratulations, Toddy. Oh, Jesus. Thank you. Oh, my God, I almost flipped and fell at the end. I can't believe it. I almost flipped and fell right on... Fuck, yeah. Nothing better than Heidi to un-gay the room after that. We're all thinking about dry blowjobs and shit. So you're not going to believe this.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
The bucket has such an unbelievable sense of humor. That was Toddy Tindall's first name, first time on the show. And his name, again, is Toddy Tindall. This next comedian's name. is Tommy Tickles. Again, that was Toddy Tindall, and this, Jesus, I thought I was the only one with that name. Son of a bitch, people are gonna get us confused. I have 17 kids. I can't possibly be gay.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
We all have assholes. I butt fucked my way into a bunch of kids. and I sent them all Walmart gift cards. So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm introducing, after Toddy Tindall, this is Tommy Tickles, everybody.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, he's talking directly. Someone's been reading it. Reading the internet. Not good, Drew.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
There he is. You cannot make it up. Tommy Tickles following Toddy Tindall. Both of them look ridiculously straight, and then they begin to talk. And in a stunning turn of events, again, the odds of this happening, in the history of the show, that a Toddy Tindall would look like a real man, I'm from the oil field. And then this guy comes out.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Literally, me and Red Band joked because we both thought the same thing. As soon as he walks out, we go, oh, straightest guy ever. Yeah, straight guy. And then all of a sudden, you're like, I have sex with my sister. Sex with my wife's sister. Okay, let's get into it. Tommy, welcome to the show. You're not responsible for what happened before you, but you are kind of all right. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Tommy, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's my first time. Wow, look at that. I love it. I love to hear it. Let the games begin. This interview shall be golden. There's nothing that can stop my momentum at this point with you. I could tell you got a lot of stories. I could tell there's a lot of things in the cup holder of your truck right now. We're going to get into it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
There's a lot going on. What is in the cup holder of your truck before I even get started with the rest of it?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That is amazing. That is amazing. I now know you are straight as fuck. Because that is a true answer of a true straight man. I as well won a skipping contest. Maybe later on. I did it on my way here tonight, actually. I won...
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Your mom told you that the internet is hammering you? Yes! That is hilarious. Where's mom at? She's in Washington? Washington State. Yep, absolutely. What does she do?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay, very good. All right, turns out he is gay after all. Toddy Tindall, then Tommy Tickles. That's your real name?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, okay. Well, that's crazy. You're kind of crazy. Why would you change your name?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No contest. Absolutely. Okay, so how old are you, Tommy? What is going on here tonight? These drones are shooting gay lasers wherever the mic stand is right now.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Wait, the crowd is absolutely shocked. You are the same exact age as Brian Redband. Hey. Incredible. What has happened in your life to where you look like you've fought in every war that America's had?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay, and you were a farmer for many years. Is that what you're saying?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Honest question here. Yeah, that was an honest... Honest answer I'm looking for, Tom. Are you ready for it? Let's go. What is the most sexual thing you've ever done with any of those farm animals? Like I'm some kind of sheep fucker. No, I'm just curious. Maybe you patted a cow on the butt or something. Like, good game or something like that.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You have big old hands? They're definitely old. Goats and sheep.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay, so Tommy, let's talk about your love life a little bit. You have kids? Have you been married? What have you been doing out there?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay. All right. What are you into? When you log on to the internet and you go to a porn website and your wife is out there bottle feeding goats and you have a couple minutes to yourself, what do you search for? Threesomes.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Sometimes I'm hosting this show and I have no idea what's going on. And I sometimes wonder, maybe I'm the only one that doesn't know what the fuck anything means or makes sense. And it gets scary. In everybody else's podcast, you're in a room. You can't fuck up the audio. Everybody can hear what they're saying. You got headphones on. This show is so crazy. What the fuck are you talking about?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Son of a bitch. I just got bodied. Is that free use? Red Band's looking up free use porn. That's my ex-girlfriend. Even he's like, I gotta get this shit off my screen. With that... Thank God for ExpressVPN. Oh, my goodness. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. So what kind of car did you drive here today? What kind of pickup truck? Chevy 2500.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
So what is, for some reason, my first thing that I said when I began this interview, I picture there being stuff. There's stuff underneath your radio, the knobs and everything. What is in your cup holders and your little holder areas? Is there a lot of stuff there? Receipts and coins, am I correct? Yeah, broken tools and shit I need to fix and receipts. What do you need to fix exactly?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Hydraulic hose is actually one of the things I search on the porn when I'm out there.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Red band is killing on this soundboard tonight. Okay. Can I try roasting? Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean? What's going on here? Who do you want to roast? You trying to roast me? Oh, you son of a bitch. Sure, try roasting. Hey, you've got a gorgeous face.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
These people, you can't trust. All I do is help this fucking guy. All I do is help him. My mom told me that you suck too on the internet. And meanwhile, what do I do? I go, Drew, you got another minute? Let's try. Take your time. Enunciate. Fucking pace yourself. And then you come out and you say, I'm a fucking mom, don't I?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Funny. What's the last thing you bought yourself as a special treat for yourself?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
So, 50 years old, and what made you want to start stand-up comedy? Did I already ask you this? No, you haven't.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
First time, especially for a first time, it was fucking great, Tommy Tickles. Congratulations, very, very interesting human being. Thanks for taking a break from the farm. Here's a big joke book made from the great bonsai. That's real Texas leather, just like your skin, you son of a bitch. All right. This looks like a new name for sure. Let's see how this goes.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Make some noise for A-Bomb, everybody. A-Bomb. Come on, make some noise for A-Bomb, everyone.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What kind of fucking bullshit is everyone just take the knives out of my back? I can read between the lines and your mom's legs. What the fuck is going on? What is going on? Are you threatening to fuck my 78-year-old mother? Joy is going to be upset with you. Yeah, Joy liked you before this, Drew. We can go to... There's one more person posting on Reddit after this. It's a 78-year-old.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
A-Bomb! Welcome to the show, A-Bomb. This is your first time here, correct? This is my first time here. This is my fifth time doing comedy. Okay.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No, you're good. Get into it. That's what's interesting. What's real is what's interesting. Nobody watches this. Yeah. This is a safe space. All right. It's what people can relate to. It's what got almost everyone around you started in what we're doing. That's how artists are made. Trauma and life creates art. So go ahead. Tell us about this terrible situation there. All right.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I own seven dogs. Seven dogs. Oh, my goodness. With four different women.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Hell yeah. You got her. There's your revenge. Those headlights definitely ain't turning around now. Incredible. She never gave you a reason on why she went back to Memphis and left you here in Austin with seven dogs?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
out of Youngstown, Ohio. Guys, what do you think about Drew Nickens? I'm not asking you. Are you guys insane? No. Louis J. Gomez.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That's true. Thank you. No doubt about it. We are your dogs now. And you know what, my friend? All dogs go to heaven. So you do dog fighting is what really happens. Am I correct? This is what I've heard about your people. That's what some of us do. Is John asleep? Oh, my God. You were asleep. Fun fact, sometimes John Dees falls asleep, and that's why he wears sunglasses.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
He smokes so much weed, and he raises multiple children. All right. He was asleep. You were dead asleep just then. Oh, my goodness. I have two musicians with their eyes closed. That's right. You're still awake, D. That was implied. All right. Okay. All right. Thank you, D. Okay. Thank you, D. All right. Famous homophobe D Madness is here. I love your style, A-Bomb.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I mean, you seem so well-spoken and like... That was actual racism, folks. That was racist. Of all the things I've done this year, that was actually racist. That might have been my most racist moment.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I'm kidding. Okay. It's Sean. It's Tyrone Tindleberry. We went to Toddy Tindle to Tommy Tickles to Tyrone Tindleberry. We had a bunch of TT comedians before you. I saw. Okay. You did? You were back there. All right. Okay. So, Abom, what else about your life? Do you work with those dogs for a living? Is that how you make money?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I love that. Okay, and this is all based out of San Antonio. Yes, sir. Okay. Do people Yelp review your business at all? How do you spell pariah pack?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yep. Pack. P-A-C-K. Okay. Red band typed it in all one word there. The pariah pack. The pariah pack. Okay. No, there are no Yelp reviews, which is good for you. We've been reading Yelp reviews of people's businesses today.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay. Okay, this guy's asking for it. Let's see what happens here. Let's see what happens here. There are a few, there are nine Google reviews. Go up there, go up there. Yep. We are so happy with the service. First time boarding here and I recommend. The guy that runs the place I think stole my wallet. Oh, wait a second. No, I'm kidding, I made that one up.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I made that one up, that was my, that was me. No, these are all good. It's all five stars all the way. Absolutely incredible. What else? What else are you into when you're not working with the dogs?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay, perfect. Find him at Abomination AJ. Here's a big joke book. I like your style. There he goes. A-Bomb. All right, we didn't have a woman up tonight, so your final bucket pool of the night, I pulled until I found a woman, and ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Jenny Rodriguez. Put your hands together one more time for Jenny Rodriguez.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Thank you, I'm a Jenny Rodriguez. Jenny Rodriguez. Welcome, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. Second time. Heck yeah. Welcome back. You look different. A little different. My hair was split dye. Now it's this. Okay. Something crazy happened last time you were on, right?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Aw, how sweet. Absolutely adorable. Okay, Jenny, so how's life going? Good? What's been going on?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
There were females there, so... There you go. All right, Drew. Well, way to get it started. You did it. We'll see you some other time. There goes Drew Nickens. There goes Drew. Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew. Whoa, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. Drew scared her out of her slumber there. Don't want to be backstage with Drew. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, my goodness. The Puerto Ricans behind you just look wild. Absolutely incredible. Hey, I fucking love tires, man. And I don't like to do it myself, dude. I'm a fucking hero. And I fucking love Costco. They bring the boom, dude. Okay. You're a tire installer. Yes. Wow. Normally your people remove tires and steal them from people.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And now you are putting them back on, doing a reverse Latino trickery. Hey, look, Kenny Rogers is here, everybody. The real-life Kenny Rogers. Just notice this now. Just in peace, sir. Amazing. Red Band loves your chicken. Okay. Amazing. So you've been installing tires. Were you a tire installer before?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Shout out to Kris Kringle himself. Okay. And did you notice anything changed with your relationship when you got engaged? Did the sex stay the same?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
couple days ago for a Latino that is three years of space. For those of you keeping track. It's like dog years. They're supposed to fuck almost hourly. So a couple days ago.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You know what? You just got another promotion. Congratulations. All right, Jenny. We're going to keep it moving along. You already have a joke book, right? Yes, I do. There she goes. Jenny Rodriguez. And we've come to that part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. I got news for you. I got news for you. Hold on one second before you start that.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Unfortunately, due to it indeed being the holiday season, Cam Patterson and William Montgomery have the night off. However, ladies and gentlemen, here to close tonight's show is the only man that I feel like is even capable of such an unbelievable mission. A man that God himself has called comedian of the year 2024. A man so amazing that I personally have talked to the incoming...
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
administration of the government of the United States of America. And I have indeed confirmed that this man will be a citizen of the United States of America. I present to you an anomaly unknown to human civilization before he existed. A man who who is the most famous person from where he comes from. A man who is unbelievably hilarious onstage, offstage, and everywhere in between.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Okay, let the games begin, ladies and gentlemen. This is the bread and butter of the show where we meet people. They have no idea. These people had no idea that they were even going on stage just minutes ago. And now the pressure of millions of people watching them is upon them.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And that is a Kill Tony regular. Thank you. Thank you. Here for the holidays. No rest for the wicked, the great and powerful Ari Matty.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What kind of workout is that exactly? What do you think about this? This is what I do at the gym. This guy just preps for fucking. It's incredible. Just puts one of those rubber bands around you and just does pelvic thrusts at the gym. Very intimidating to the other people.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No, I got hard. Ari, what's going on? Everything good? An un-fucking-believable set. Literally, literally perhaps 20, 30, 40, 50 times funnier than anything we've seen all night. Really? What's been going on? By a measurable statistic. I don't even think it's really... People weren't that terrible. It's just your... That was so powerful.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
The banana shit is unbelievable. Unbelievable. So fantastic. Thank you. And it's amazing. We hang out a lot. And this fucking guy, I mean, his...
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
head is in his joke book all the time taking notes readjusting things moving things around even when we're hanging when we're smoking blunts and drinking whiskey late at night and laughing about shit he'll grab his fucking joke book and write something down and it's just non-stop and it fucking shows
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I love it. It's so much fun. So many people get complacent when having a big career boom like you. And it seems like you're doubling down and working harder all the time.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
One minute uninterrupted and then an interview going to your first bucket pool that goes by the name of Ike Gazarian, everybody. Ike Gazarian.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, you're going to call us gay because it's two men complimenting each other and that's gay in New York?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
He just wants Toddy Tindall to be able to find him later so he can play with his snake.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Ari Matty writes jokes all day. Lewis wears his Sharpie marker on his fucking head.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
My hat isn't cool. It is incredible. What made you pick that hat?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
It's probably my hat, Tony. No, I don't know. As a gay man, like you were implying with me and Ari talking to each other, I figured I would judge your fashion a little bit since I'm so gay. Okay. Ari, un-fucking-believable set. Thank you so much. Absolutely incredible. He's done it again. Fucking superstar. Merry Christmas. Make some fucking noise for Ari Maddy.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Make some goddamn noise for my guest. We do believe indeed, we need to double confirm it, but we do indeed believe Luis Che Gomez is indeed the new record holder for all time appearances as a guest on this show. A brother from another mother. lewisofskanks.com. He is on tour, a fantastic stand-up comedian.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Check out him and Joe List and Bobby Kelly and Dan Soder on their hit podcast, The Regs, R-E-G-Z. Joe List, how about another hand for Joe List? He's on tour, comedianjolist.com. No doubt about it. A fun episode. I enjoyed myself. Brought to you by Blue Chew, Blue Nile, Prize Picks. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Matt Muehling, John Dees, D Madness.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Big Mike, Carlos Osorio, Bernardo Castillo, Grooveline Horns. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Okay. Is that me as the Grinch? And that's Red Band as Santa Claus? That's me. Okay. That's a skinny, that's the healthiest I've ever seen Red Band look. And that's the nicest I've ever looked. Brian J. Ebel with a great drawing of Luis J. Gomez and Joe List. That's in. Brian Redband.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah. By the time this episode comes out, you should know. where the next big road gig is. It is absolutely massive, literally, I do believe, bigger than the venue in New York City that we did two shows at. You're going to be very excited when you find out where it is. Again, tickets should be on sale right now. It'll pop up on the screen as I'm saying it. It's Indiana, guys.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Make some noise for the great Brian Wright Band! Hi! And the best damn band in the land. Am I right, people? You are in the live music capital of the world. That is the Kill Tony Band. On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande, On the drums, that is Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez. He is here. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Ike Gazarian. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Ike. Thank you for having me, guys. How we feeling? Welcome to America. How are you? Very good. How long have you been here?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Why'd you say for comedy like that? That was suspicious there. You go there specifically to do comedy? to help Russia fight Ukraine. Yeah, that's what it felt like. I voted for Trump. I have a reason. You did vote for Trump? Fuck yeah. That is so interesting. I love it. Okay. Are we letting them vote?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Got an applause break for pierogies from Brian Redman. Nobody loves dough filled with shit more than dough filled with shit. Unbelievable. Incredible. So what's the name of your Russian restaurant in San Diego? It's called Pushkin. Pushkin. Almost like Putin, but... Yeah, it's close. It's close. Yeah. What else is going on there? You got, like, hot Russian waitresses or anything?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Wow, it really does. You're sitting at a 4.3 with 1,109 reviews. Nine years, baby! Nine fucking years! Find me one of the one-star reviews. There's a lot of five stars, but I like to read the one stars. Yeah, the Ukrainians need a one-star review. That's what I strategically go for. The worst customer service, very rude workers, not a welcoming environment, would not recommend.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
We're Russians, what the fuck do you want? And then Ike G. responded, I'm sorry, but your review is a lie. Fuck yeah, I don't like that! You were smoking same hookah for three hours. There was nothing left in it. My hookah chef asked you if you'd like a refill. You refused. You know coals can't save a hookah that's been smoked for hours.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah work. You can't smoke ashes. Wow. This is incredible. Let's read another review of Pushkin. Please, let's do it. Came here to smoke hookah. Worst customer service from the hookah server. Not friendly at all.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Maybe they're better than they were before. Maybe it's their first time ever on this show. Maybe it's their first time doing comedy. Either way, I try my best to find out as much about them that's interesting as I possibly can. Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. His name is Tyler Wayne, everybody. Here we go. Tyler Wayne.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay, that's a more specific type of homeless. A homeless, carful person in a piss jug. Normally they just piss outside.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
If there's any homeless people listening, they will be proud to know that you think they piss in jugs. Okay. Tyler, how long you been on standup? Six years. Six years. Where at? I started in Iowa. Okay.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Cook at Creek in the Cave. What was that? Was that you, Tommy? Yeah, I'm sorry. What was that?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Really? Yeah. Your real last name is Papa? Yeah. And you go by Pope? Oh, yeah. I had to change it. You could be Tommy Papa? Isn't that cool? Why'd you change it? Oh, there's another one. Oh, there is Tom Papa? Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. And he bakes bread and is a very, very liberal guy.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
We did a roast of WrestleMania, which lasted until the wee hours of the night, and then hung out with Triple H and fucking a bunch of people that you guys could never fathom the type of life that I live, long story short. And so that's sunglasses night. That's sunglasses night for this guy, too. Look at this dirt ball right here. He's got a grill. Absolutely. That's unbelievable, sir.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That's right. CrashOutBuckets.com. The exclusive place to get a helmet like that.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
We're having fun. I love it. So, Tyler, you are a cook at the Creek and the Cave. What do you do for fun?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay. You picked that up recently? Yeah, about a year ago. Okay. How the hell did you just hand me a little skateboard? That's a Kill Tony skateboard. Oh, my God. Where did you get this from? I don't know. Wow. Heath Cordes' little skateboard. He rode in on it. I love it. That's incredible. Uh, okay, Tyler. You have a girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Is she really homeless?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Absolutely incredible. So the door is open. Is this a studio apartment, I'm guessing?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What did she say that she got hired for the government to do?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, yeah. Oh, totally. That's a real thing. Anytime your homeless girlfriend tells you she just got hired by the government to become a spy.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah. So what did you say while taking a shit and she tells you she got hired by the government?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
How did this relationship end? Take us through the breakup there.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
No, seriously, come on. No, I'm serious. No, but seriously, how does it start to end? What are some highlights of the end? Not the last words. I'm like, how did it end? He's like, I said goodbye.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
ah what about that vagina though it gripped like no other man it what it gripped like no other it gripped like no other okay so you're saying that homeless vagina is better than a vagina that has a home no oh okay but that one gripped like no one was good okay So some highlights of the end of that relationship.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
How fucking cool are you? I love it. I need someone to take my trash out on Wednesdays. Are you free on Wednesdays? All right. Anyway. Fuck yeah. Before we get tonight's show started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hey, y'all. This podcast is indeed sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, have better sex with Blue Chew.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, see, that's why I do the interview portion of the show. We never would have found that out. That has to be the worst. Most people never even fathom anything like that. Most people in a relationship are like, man, I hope my significant other doesn't cheat on me. but did not have a home at all. And for her to tell you that she cheated on you with a person that sleeps in a bed.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Antonio Brown is smoking some amazing to help him cope with your life, Tyler Wayne, just so that he can even listen to you. He is smoking some of the stayanchored.com marijuana in which he is either the, I believe the owner of the company or an official sponsored person. Is this helping you deal with his life?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Antonio, I pretty much imagine that you can have sex with anything in the world that you would ever want. I mean, one of the greatest football players of all time. You're covered in absolute bling bling, as I used to say when I was a little bit younger. And so what is like the lowest you've ever gone? Can I ask you that with a piece of pussy? Now I'm not expecting pure homelessness.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I know for sure you never parked your car waiting for the girl to come home to the car. I know you've never hit the low lows of Tyler Wayne. However, I'm wondering, is there maybe a time in your life in which you were just like, you know what? I just want to bust a nut right now, and I want a human to help me with it. What's the lowest you've ever gone?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Slightly above jerking off, but below your normal quality. What's the lowest you've ever gone, Antonio?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Perfect answer. That's a great way to avoid any lawsuits or anything like that. That's exactly what a Democratic candidate for president would have said. Perfect. Should I give him this fucking thing? I mean, I've never seen this before. Where did this come from? Oh, this is one of your finger thing. I'm not going to give away this fucking. No, I can't give away. This is like Colt's livelihood.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Colt literally does the fucking skateboard with his fingers shit. I'm not going to take your one kill. Do you have another one? You have another kill Tony skateboard? Guess what, my friend? You are the first ever recipient of a Kill Tony skateboard. Tyler Wayne, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Yeah. He got a new pillow.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Fucking right. There he goes, Tyler Wayne. Thank you, guys. He's still up here. He's looking for a place to sleep on this stage. Wow. Amazing. A cook at the creek in the cave. Anything can happen here. There's the lovely Heidi. The boys are drinking tonight. Antonio Brown with white Russians. Is that what that is? Hell yeah. What are you drinking, Tommy? It's just whiskey.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Just whiskey straight up on the rocks. I love it. We're having a jungle fever. What was that?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You're having jungle fever. Black man with a white Russian. I get it. That makes perfect sense. Hey, y'all. This podcast is indeed sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, Blue Chew is offering a combo so strong, it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You'll have to move towns with the amount of noise you'll be making with that mighty Chewbacca in your pants. Blue Chew Max has arrived, and it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
fast and last guys be ready when she needs it or he needs it and get your first month of blue chew free great sex is a few clicks away so sign up a blue chew comm consult with one of their licensed medical providers and you'll be approved and once you are you'll receive your prescription within days blue chew tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door the best part it's all done online that means no visits to the doctor's office no awkward conversations and no waiting in line at the pharmacy and
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well, making life easier by getting harder. And do it yourself. Discover the options at BlueChew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Blue Chew free when you use promo code Tony. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code Tony. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, you're popping a little bony right now. Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. This podcast is sponsored by Nick. You've heard us talking about Nick because they've taken nicotine pouches to the next level. Heck, they're the only pouches we use these days. My favorite flavor, you guessed it, citrus ice. Nick is a step above any other pouch.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
is because they use the best ingredients for a cleaner, more refined experience. They're made with natural coconut fiber instead of wood pulp for a smoother, better experience that won't hurt your gums. Plus, Nicked pouches come in different strengths to help you hit the sweet spot. 12, 6, and 3 milligrams with a range of refreshing mint, bold fruit, and unflavored options.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There's always something to keep you satisfied. And Nicked will have a zero milligram option available this month so you can dial in the perfect experience to suit your needs. So whether you're trying to kick chewing tobacco, traditional smoking products, or vape, Nicked flavors hit just right.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It's time to upgrade to Nicked nicotine pouches just like we did. Right now, our listeners get 35% off when you order through our exclusive URL, nykdpouches.com slash tony. And you can use this code up to three times. Don't wait. Get 35% off now at nykdpouches.com slash Tony. That's nickedpouches.com slash Tony. Nicked products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Dylan Jarbo, everybody. Dylan Jarbo. We're having fun here tonight. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, Blue Chew is offering a combo so strong, it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Dylan Jarboe, getting laughs throughout the set. Welcome back, Dylan. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Good to be back here. Yes, absolutely. How long have you been on stand-up? I just hit nine years. Wow, nine years. Incredible. Where have you been doing it for nine years?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
discover the options of bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners try your first month of bluechew free when you use promo code tony just pay five dollars shipping that's promo code tony visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information and we thank bluechew for sponsoring the podcast oh you're popping a little bony right now who's ready to start tonight's episode huh
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay. And how do you... I mean, there must be a lot of spare time. So what the hell are you doing with your life other than... During work or other than comedy? In life, overall. The other 22 fucking hours of the day.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, you have an apartment. What a huge upgrade from the other people that have been on the show so far.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah. Okay. And you live by yourself? I do, yeah. And how are you able to afford that? Just with your IT job? Just with my IT job. It gets by enough. Okay. And how many dogs do you foster? Have you fostered?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
A day. Wow. And out of all the things that you could have answered about your entire life, I specifically made a point to say the other 22 hours of the day, what do you do with your life? It's I fostered a dog. It was actually a dog. It was one day.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
One day, one dog. So I guess everybody here is a fucking dog foster. You could be. Wow. Anything else about your entire life, Dylan Jarboe? I mean, anything at all? Have you ever seen the show before, Dylan?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wow. This is incredible. He played one day, ever. He had a dog for a day, and he played horse one time.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
This is a shocking interview. Yeah, thank you. Dylan, so what scares you? Oh.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
No, thank God, no. Why are you so afraid of them? Why are you so traumatized by a thing that's never even affected you?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
These people that work from home are losing their goddamn minds. I don't know if anybody else has noticed it.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You seem like you would have a weird porn fetish. Like, what is your porn category when you search for it? That's a good question. You are on IT. There's a lot of spare time on that computer. You definitely don't have a girlfriend with that school shooter face. I mean, you look like you have dirty thoughts. I agree with Red Band. You have a fetish like mine. Tell the truth. Spill the beans.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Every single week, I have two of the most entertaining people in the world on this show. This week is no different. We have the return of one of our favorite guests of the year and a first-time guest who I can say with no hesitation is my favorite person on all of social media. Nobody makes me laugh like this man.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That makes sense. You live a very lonely life. Um... It's relatable to you and your life being solo so often. Oh, yes. I could see why you would be into solo stuff. What do you like to watch them do solo? Talk? Masturbate.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I mean, I have been trying for the last five fucking minutes to get anything out of you whatsoever. We got one day you fostered a dog and you literally shot a basketball for what comes out to about 12 minutes.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You don't have a wild side at all. There's nothing like something like every once in a while you do something.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
No, you're good. I love it. I love it. What kind of car do you drive?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Jesus. Checks out. Fucking Christ, man. 100%. You might be one of the scariest people we've ever had.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What color is the Ford Focus? Is it white? It's black. Whoa, look at that. What an amazing twist. I can't believe that. That's like shocking to me. Speaking of black Focus, Antonio Brown. Have you ever seen anybody quite this boring before? Is this like, this is like, you're used to this.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Like this would be like the guy that like irons the jerseys and hangs them up for you guys or something like that, right? Everybody's like kind of special needs. Everyone on the team's nice to them, right? Something like that. Who does this remind you of? Have you ever been around a specimen this fucking?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well, Dylan, next time you come on, you know, think about what the podcast part of the show. You know what I mean? The millions of people watching and listening. Think about that part. The 60 seconds you have a pretty good grasp on. You already have a little joke book? No. You have a big one? Yeah, like four years ago. You know what? I'm going to give you a little one. Let's go. Just based on...
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wow. That's what happens when you sit at home all day watching people fucking finger themselves. Absolutely incredible, Dylan. Get some fresh air, pal. Go to a park or something. Get your joke book. Get your joke book. This guy has no idea how to be in society. There he goes. Dylan Charbo. This guy has no idea. He can't catch a bug. It went over his shoulder.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
one of the greatest entertainers in the world, one of the most fascinating creatures on planet Earth, one of the greatest athletes of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guests, Antonio Brown and Tommy Pope!
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
He just stood there while it just floated by him. Oh. Heidi brings life back to the show. Like one of those resuscitator things that you have to zap. Clear. Clear. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. We know him. Funny man. This is the long awaited return of Ike Rafferty, everybody. Ike Rafferty. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Hell yeah, Ike Rafferty. An unbelievable premise. Thank you, Tony. If that movie came out, I would love to see it. Unbelievable glasses. Thank you. Thank you, Ike. You know what? I think you're the best performer of the night so far.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That's right. Flattering and fattering. I crawled into that one. Amazing. Is that really true? Tyler Perry didn't get Schindler's List.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay. There you go. I'm sorry. I just leave you. Okay. I love apologies on the show. It's always good. Amazing. Ike, how's comedy been treating you? It's been good.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay, how long were you in your car for? It was about a year, Tony. What kind of car was it? A Chevy Spark, Tony. Wow, a Chevy Spark. The cars and the living situations of tonight's bucket pulls. Antonio Brown literally has more value on any finger or wrist than every bucket pull combined. This is absolutely incredible. Yes. That's something. Yes. Amazing. So now what is your living situation?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Fuck yes! Antonio motherfucking Brown, baby! Let's go! Tommy Pope! Let's go!
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Whoa, Red Band's Comedy Club. I'm a server at the Sunset Strip. Absolutely. How many people work for you that sleep in their cars, Red Band? One less now. Yeah, one less. Wow. And take us through your writing process of that Tyler Perry Schindler's List joke. Did you think about perhaps adding in the fact that they put eight million chickens in the ovens? Mm. I would.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I would. It would be the best part of the joke. If Michael didn't do that stupid drum hit thing afterwards, it would have eventually gained momentum in the room. I know these things. I study everything. Ike, you kind of look like you're losing your mind. Before you had facial hair, a little bit of color to you. Is living under a roof affecting you in a negative way, perhaps?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What's something crazy we should know about you, Ike, that you've never told us before? Oh, wow. Um... Does anybody tell the bucket pools what the show is before they come out here? I mean, this is absolutely incredible. This is Call Her Daddy, right? Okay. Okie dokie. So how about that answer to the question from a minute ago? I was hit a lot as a child.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Tommy Pope is on one of the funniest shows on planet Earth. One of the two funniest shows. It's Kill Tony and Tires. He is on Tires season two, debuting June 5th. One of my favorite comedians. He does the Look at Dish on YouTube and Stuff Island is his podcast. Thanks for having me, Anthony. Good to be here, Thomas.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
This was very cathartic. You are an interesting psychological case. It does seem like things have slowed up a bit with you. Kind of just like in your life. Are you like tired today? No. Are you on medicine perhaps?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, wow. So who would have guessed that the thing that gives you energy and pep, you were on before. Yes. And now you're not. Wow. It almost seems like that's the exact answer that I was looking for this entire time. Holy shit. That's incredible. I had no idea you were on Adderall. Normally, fat people aren't on Adderall. It's the whole thing. So when did you stop taking Adderall?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Uh-huh. And so you went cold turkey? Cold turkey. And ham. Yes, exactly. Is it really true that you were beaten as a kid?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wow. That is so interesting to me. Are you still in communication with your parents at all, with the beaters? Not with the beater, no. Okay. But you think it affected you, perhaps, in life in some way?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay. This is perfect. Because we have a very special guest here tonight at the Comedy Mothership. And here to give a little psychoanalysis, I was hoping I was going to get an opportunity to use him tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, joining us just for a quick pop and make some noise for one of the most brilliant minds in the world. This is the one and only Jordan Peterson, everybody. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Ha ha ha. Wow, live in the flesh, one of the great, brilliant, beautiful minds, the great and powerful Jordan Peterson. Jordan, sweet little Ike, sweet little Ike is going through Adderall withdrawals. He was... Been there. Yes. You have? Interesting. We have... What do you... Can you help this guy? Can you tell him something or ask him some questions?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What would you do to make him feel better through this process? What would you ask him or say or do or some advice for him or something?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I'm happy to be here. With that said, you are a genius. Do you have any advice for someone that is going through Adderall withdrawals or something like that?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Beautiful. I love that. Hell yeah. I didn't realize you were Italian, Jordan Peterson. That is the answer to a lot of questions.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I love it. I never would have guessed that Jordan Peterson would be quoting Homer Simpson. Up here, only in the Kill Tony universe do you see something like that.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
And this is indeed one of the most fascinating entertainers in the world, Antonio Brown. Thanks for having me. Antonio Brown. His first time on the show at AB84, but I'm sure anybody that watches this show is already following your crazy ass. It is unbelievable. He posts about Jimmy Kimmel being gay, and it is my favorite shit on planet Earth.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
We got chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. Who doesn't love a little?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Absolutely. Antonio Brown iced out. Chocolate swirl. He talks like he tweets. I'm so like starstruck. It's unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah. It is risky business. It is Russian roulette here on Kill Tony. You never know what kind of mood we're all in, the panel, the set, and then the interview. You know, it's always a different episode. It's always a different vibe. I mean, who would have guessed that we'd have Antonio Brown and Jordan Peterson on any of the same show ever in the history of all of entertainment?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
This is two absolute opposite sides of the spectrum. I'm happy to be hosting here. Jordan Peterson is the founder of the Peterson Academy. So for anybody out there, just know that you can go to petersonacademy.com. And it recently went from $5.99 a year to $3.99 a year. Is this true, Jordan?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Now it's $3.99 a year. Make your life better. Be a better human. Make some noise for the great and powerful Jordan Peterson, ladies and gentlemen. Good to see you all. Ike, you already have a big joke book? I do. There he goes. Ike Rafferty, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. Hey, Red Band, guess what?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
The best beer on the market just got a whole lot better, my dude. Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers are mini cans of... they're cans of extremely drinkable juice force ipa or tropic force ipa these mini cans deliver a quick impactful hit at 9.5 alcohol and are great for moderation storage portability and convenience don't believe me then let me throw it over to the kill tony resident beer expert
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wow, your pockets are loaded with Voodoo Ranger and baked potatoes. That's right, Red Band. From here on out, it's mini can full throttle because Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers are the new go-to bev to start your night with a bang! These mini cans are fun, portable, and pack a hell of a punch. There's nothing worse than drinking a humongous beer and feeling like you ate a loaf of bread, right?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Who likes eating a loaf of bread? Find them nearby at VoodooRanger.com. Do it right now. Fill your pockets with them. VoodooRanger.com. It's time for another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian won his, he is the newest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This is only his third ever appearance. I love this fucking guy.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I'm so excited to see another minute from the one and only, the brand newest golden ticket winner. This is Kansai Yasuda. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
He will find some gay shit, and he will post it, and he'll say, this is what Jimmy Kimmel does for breakfast, or fucking all of it. You name it. And I get it, and I send it to Joe. I send it to Shane. and fucking, you are what we share. People might wonder, hey, what do some of the funniest people in the world text about? We send Antonio Brown's tweets to each other. And Kanye.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Kansai Yasuda. With a brand new minute, 30 seconds. I love it. Welcome back, Kansai.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I love your style. An unbelievably soft, crisp delivery. Thank you. Yes. One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show. You and Hans Kim, the Asian staples of the show. I don't know what it is with Asian people. They are the best people to interview in the history of the show. Why do you think that is?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Absolutely. That makes perfect sense. Kansei Yasuda. So you live in Toronto, Canada, correct? Yes. And you mostly hang out at a ramen place where your girlfriend works. Is that correct? Every day. Every day he sits at the ramen place and you eat... Ramen. That is correct. And you hang out with your girlfriend, who's a waitress there.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You don't work at the ramen place, but you are probably a very popular patron there. Yes, every day. Did we shout out the ramen place, the name of it, last time you were on? Oh, no, not yet, not yet. And do you think it'll help business there? Yes. Do you want to help business there? Yes. What's the name of the ramen place in Toronto, Canada? Tondo ramen. Wow, okay. Do it again.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Since you pointed so aggressively at the camera, can we do a thing where, like, you zoom in real hard or something like that? Can we do a thing? I didn't know where the camera was, dude. I didn't know you were over there.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
When he's not on stage, he wears a helmet from crashoutbuckets.com Okay, let's do it one more time. The Ramen Place and our great, great camera woman slash extremely amazing producer, Christie, is going to do some kind of special zoom in hopefully on this. So I ask you again, what is the name of the Ramen Place?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Kanye's got some good ones, too. You got some stiff competition out there. One of the greatest rap geniuses of all time is also a wild boy on social media. Antonio Brown is stayanchored.com. Some CBD stuff. That's you. It's the weed. That's right. You got weed. Okay, yeah. It's THC. And Crash... What is it, Crash Pot Buckets? Crash Out Buckets. CrashOutBuckets.com.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Dude, it's like that cooking show. I hope we can do some cool trickery there and make that part extra special. Tondo Ramen, has it been in business a while? 10 years.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yep, that's what I would have guessed. You. Red Band's the only person in the world that would have a problem finding that. I actually go up to the number one. Is it called Ryukyu Shinmen Tandoo Ramen? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, that would be a whole different place. Why don't I ask you again and you do the point thing and you say the actual name? It's called JoJo's Cheesesteaks and Ramen. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You'll find it. It's over there. So what is the name of this ramen place in Toronto, Canada?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wait, wait, wait. We still have the wrong place, we think. Because this one that we found that's popular on Yelp is called Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen. Ryukyu Shinmen? Here, look. What's the address, though? Give me the address. Is it on College Street? Yes, yes, yes. Okay. So, again, you have no idea the ramen place that you sit at every single fucking day. Your girlfriend better be hot as fuck.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah, she better be so hot that you have to let it sit and blow on it for ten minutes before you can eat it.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
And I ask you, my good friend, Kansai Yasuda, what is the name of this ramen place in Toronto?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Ryukyu Shimen Tondo Ramen. Wow, absolutely incredible. And now let's read some fucking Yelp reviews.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
This is one of my favorite things to do. It's a new segment on this show. We go straight to the one stars and we start there. You can learn a lot about a restaurant by going directly to the one star reviews. And here... Please, please. No, this place is going to be packed. We've done this before. There was a guy in San Diego. What was it like? It was a hookah and restaurant.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
And literally the guy's like, Tony, you changed our fucking lives. They're literally making like a million dollars a month. There's a pizza place now with a Kill Tony pizza in New York or something like that. Well, that's a whole different fucking thing that has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Okay. All right, here we go.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, well, we do them all. We do them all. We're equal opportunity here.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Now, your girlfriend works as a waitress. She does the whole place. There's a patio there, too, right? There's a patio there, too. And she's a waitress of the whole place? Yes. Okay, here we go. Your first one-star review of Ryukushinmen Tondo Ramen. Tondo in the past. This is from Mitchell L. This has 221 likes, 133 stars. It's a one-star review from over four years ago.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You're not gonna be able to read it from there, not with those eyes, Kansei. And here we go. Tondo in the past has been all right, but quality of service with patio dining has severely deteriorated during COVID. Oh, okay. Well, that was during COVID. You know what? We'll skip that one. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
One star review over six years ago from Bradley J. This is the second time we've been here, and the food is pretty good. The shoyu is delicious, but the dot, dot, dot Late night service isn't the greatest. And there was a karaoke party, three question marks. On a Friday night, two question marks. In the back, three question marks.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
For those of you in the market for a helmet, he is selling them.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It was like an awful, awful private concert that literally no one wanted. I hope they had a real great birthday, but the volume could have been turned down by about 100%. No one needs to hear a grown man singing Fergie. That's literally the whole review. Do they sometimes do karaoke in the back? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It's how they end every night. All right. They do love karaoke. Do you do karaoke sometimes? Yeah. What is your go-to karaoke song? It's in Japanese. Okay, can you do a little acapella? Acapella? Yeah, give them the right lighting, Kino. This is Kansei Yasuda.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Gerald W. left a review. He's considered an elite Yelp reviewer. He has a special red banner next to his name. I went to Little Italy for a street festival. I walked by this tando ramen place. They were selling yakisoba on the street for $10. I ordered one, but was surprised that the box they put it in was not filled to the top. The portion... was so small. It's a fat white man.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Sick as hell, bro. I'm pretty sure Antonio's got the market cornered for people that are looking for some hard-ass helmets. I'll tell you, our fan base needs fucking helmets. So you just hit the lottery. CrashOutBuckets.com for your Antonio Brown helmet. And yeah, it's going down, everybody. Antonio's first time on the show. Over 200 people signed up to be on this mamma jamma.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It's a fat... The taste was pretty decent, but it was not worth it. Also, I thought that the cook has to wear a hairnet or hat while cooking. This one wasn't. Probably won't come back. Okay, go back to the fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Here we go. Some more one-star reviews. I'm gonna find us a good one here. Five-star... Mila N. says, came here on a Saturday night with my friend.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There was a line outside, but when we entered the restaurant, we got seated right away in the corner. I guess the line was for takeout. We waited about 10 minutes to be served water. And before our order was taken, we had ordered five pieces of gyoza and two regular-sized ramen bowls. Our gyoza took about 10 to 15 minutes, and it was good, but wish it was more crispier.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
We waited another 30 minutes, wondering why it was taking so long. I had even noticed all the tables around us, even the people who got seated after us, got both of their bowls of ramen before us. My friend then asked the server if our ramen was on its way. It turns out they forgot to put it in. Shortly after, our two bowls came. The ramen was good. Not too salty. But the wait isn't worth it.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Go somewhere else unless you want to wait an hour for a bowl of ramen. It's worth it. Does that happen a lot there?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Your girlfriend, she's Asian as well, correct? Yes. What kind of Asian is she? Half Filipino, half Japanese. And what kind of Asian are you? Half Korean, half Japanese. Wow. Yeah. When you guys disagree about something, what is it usually about? What are you and your girlfriend chemistry-wise?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wow. Thank you. How did it feel, that hug from Tommy just then? Warm. Hell yeah. Kansai Yasuda. Should we read one more one-star review? One more five, sir. After coming back from Las Vegas, Lena D. Only three years ago. After coming back from Las Vegas, I was really craving for ramen. I stumbled upon this place on... and found there was a vegan ramen for $23.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I was stoked when I seen this on their menu, and it must be good. It was the most expensive ramen bowl on the menu. Is this true, the vegetarian one is the most expensive? I never eat vegetarian ramen, but maybe, no, I don't think so. Okay.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
My expectations were really high. I also ordered the curry chicken katsu for my friend to cure her hangover that day. Wow, these people are real pieces of shit. The food arrived in time and I hurried to open it to eat. I was surprised by the size of the ramen bowl. This seems to be a common thread. It was, all capital letters, tiny. So I thought the tiny bowl was stuffed with ramen and toppings.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wrong! Exclamation point, all capital letters. The toppings were separated from the ramen with a top lid to separate the ramen noodles from the ingredients. There were instructions to heat up the soup, then pour into the noodles and loosen the noodles up since they were stuck together.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There was a very small portion of noodles, which made me question if this was even going to get me full for the day. Wow, this piece of shit thought they were going to get one meal for the day. This is incredible. These one-star reviews are the greatest advertisements for restaurants ever. No. People are like, I was hungover and I just needed one meal to get me through the entire fucking day.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There were barely any toppings either. There was more soup than noodles. Yeah, well, that would fucking make sense. That would be crazy if the noodles were above the broth. It's certainly not worth $23. It was more like a snack. On top of that, my friend's curry chicken katsu was raw. Yes, the chicken was raw. My dog can't even eat this.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I am shocked that the kitchen even allowed this kind of quality to be delivered. I was still hungry after my tiny bowl of $23 ramen and my hungover friend had to recook her chicken meat. This is probably the worst ordering experience I've ever had. Fortunately, we got a full refund for our entire order. They should reprice their menu or change the portion size to justify selling ramen at $23.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
They're crammed in a bar right next door. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I interview them and we all find out more about them live in the flesh.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I'm never eating there again, period. It's a lie. That's a... That's a lie.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Red Band's showing me a picture. He's saying it's... I would complain about that. That's not raw. That's just a little pink. Our senior health correspondent, Brian Redfant, says that it's not raw. Let's go to our senior chicken correspondent, Antonio Brown. Let's see. You are the chicken specialist of the show. Would you eat this, Antonio? I mean, look at that middle there. What do you think?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yes sir, yes sir. The verdict is in, Antonio Brown would fuck it. Kansei Yasuda. And without a doubt, let us mention that there are, it sits at a 4.1. It is a very highly reviewed restaurant. Check out Ryukyu Shinmentando Ramen on College Street in Toronto. If you live in Toronto, you will be supporting Kansei Yasuda, the only Asian, Canadian, Japanese, Korean restaurant. Combination.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It's a combination dish. A24 combination dish. I love the Kansai Yasuda. There he goes, Kansai Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having a good time? Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, for your next comedian. Goes by the name... of Busco Jones, everyone. Make some noise for Busco Jones. One more time for Busco Jones.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Busco. You go by Busco or Busco? Busco. Busco. Okay, Busco. So the girl that you had sex with was pregnant already? No, no, it's mine.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Don't touch the bucket. Pull a name out. Fucking weirdo. Gave him a real chance to do something cool and he takes it like it's Paul Bearer holding an urn for the Undertaker. Oh, the bucket! Fucking weirdo.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well, I mean, like, were you finishing your entire load inside of her, and then she got pregnant immediately?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, okay. All right. Tell me where to go. Your answers come with a homework assignment. Yes. Sorry about that.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It's okay. Somehow you're already the best interview of the night. So Busco, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Dallas. Okay, what do you do for a living? Oh, wow, there's some white trash here. East Texas. I'm a real estate broker. Real estate broker, really? My God. I mean, everybody here tonight, every bucket pool has fucking pizza chef energies. Meanwhile, here you are.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You what? I moonlight at a pizza shop every once in a while as well. What do you mean you moonlight at a pizza shop? Explain exactly what that means.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You manage at a pizza place. What's the name of the pizza place? Scalini's. Scalini's Pizza. Can you spell it for us? Nice and slow. You'd be shocked at the tech genius Red Band's typings.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
S-C-A-L-I-N. Okay, we got it. And this is located on? Abrams Road. Abrams Road. Okay, we got it. And you only work at nighttime?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Perfect. This is One Star Reviews of Spallini's House. Four months ago. You were working there four months ago, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. That's an easy question. I've been going to Scalini's since the 90s. Tonight, I was verbally insulted by the female that handed me my to-go order when I called to complain that my order was wrong.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Do you know the female that maybe has an attitude there? Yeah, I know that one. I remember that night. Uh, uh, uh, uh. And you've seen her, like, yell at people before?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
The first name has been picked by what appears to be one of Donald Trump's nephews. And so the show shall begin. While we go wrangle your first bucket pool of the night, I have a golden ticket winner ready to go for your first 60 second uninterrupted set of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. This is a long awaited return of one of the great golden ticket winners.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Here's one from Shannon one year ago. The pizza was just okay, but more importantly, the female was extremely rude. I fell victim to a scam online to a website identified as Scalini's and the manager continued to press me about the payment while I showed her the withdrawal from my bank account. Thank goodness for online banking, it says. And stated that I was confused regarding payment.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That was until a bar patron eating her pizza overheard the conversation and helped by interceding in the conversation thanks to her. That's not the first time, okay, yeah, that's a lot of typing. Let's get to the final line. Will not return, and I will spread the news due to the condescending attitudes there. That's plural. You know, I mean, it's... Do you ever talk directly to the customers?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you think you have a little bit of an attitude sometimes?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well, I got one for you. Leslie L., one year ago, rude asshole manager RJ. That is the first line of this one-star review. Let me read it again. Yeah, buddy. Rude asshole manager RJ to this 30-year customer told me I abused a fellow child customer. Fellow child customer would mean that this is a child leaving a one-star review. That's crazy. Do you already know what happened here?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I know exactly that idea. Well, let's just wait. I'm going to read the review and then we're going to get your response to this. Let me read that second line again. Told me I abused a fellow child customer. I did no such thing and know her name and age and she and her parents and I all bonded. He said servers didn't feel comfortable serving me a third glass of wine.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I was so confused since I was not drunk or obnoxious. When I went to the counter to ask him about it, my server said there was no problem whatsoever, but he accused me of abusing a customer. I was floored. I had no idea what he was talking about. The tiny kid and her parents and I bonded. When I questioned RJ, you're RJ.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
When I questioned RJ because I didn't understand, he picked up the phone and called the cops or pretended to. I was so pissed that I told him to stick my leftovers up his fat ass. I did absolutely nothing wrong, but he treated me like shit. I'm furious because I was treated unfairly. RJ is an ass. So, break it down for us. Tell us what happened here, RJ.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay, red man. No, keep going. Stick with it. Stay in the pocket here.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You did a pretend phone call to the police. Fuck yeah, yeah. And what do you say on these pretend phone calls? Can we get it?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
She knew she wasn't sober. Antonio, what do you think about this situation?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
This is absolutely hilarious. I agree completely. So let me ask you this. Busco? Why do you go by RJ in your secret pizza job and Busco in comedy?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Do you think a lot of successful real estate agents moonlight at pizza joints?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Busco, tell us more about your real life. Give us a fun fact about you before I get you out of here that we will find unbelievably interesting.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
And he got killed by the lightning. Yes. When did that happen?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Uh-huh. And then a year later, he got struck by lightning and was killed.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wouldn't that be... bad to go by the name that the guy struck by lightning?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Busco. Okay, Busco. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Whoa. This is a very interesting episode. Not a lot of book catches here tonight. Okay. All right. Next bucket pool goes by the name, one word name. It is just one word. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for your next comedian. He goes by the, well, here he comes, everybody. His name is Will, everyone.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
All right. Will, one word name. How long you been doing stand-up, Will? Two months. Very good, two months. That's a great answer. A lot of the people that did just as good as you have been doing it 10 years or more here tonight. So we're happy to hear that you've only been doing it two months.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What made you want to start stand-up comedy two months ago?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Why do you, how did you end up hanging out with so many comedians?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I just made eye contact with Antonio Brown, and I can't not laugh while looking at him.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That is not a Civil War helmet. That is a crash-out bucket. I'm smacked right now. Maybe... He's an anxiety relief. I'm hammered. Hell yeah. It is true. A little fun fact is I have seen, only in the past, I don't know what he's been doing all day. I know he flew in today for this. I have literally seen him drink about 12 white Russians since he arrived an hour ago. This is absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I'M TURNED UP. YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. WE LIKE IT. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THAT HELMET LATER.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
HELL YEAH. WE'RE LIVING THE DREAM, BUDDY. We are living the dream. Will, what are you into? What are some hobbies of yours?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Let me put a condom on real quick. I need my protection.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That's right. That is yet another T-shirt. We are just merch makers here today. Get your I believe in God, not in Trojans. Go to his Twitter, at AB84, and the links will lead you there. He is an absolute merch machine, a branding genius. I believe in God, not Trojans. Antonio, I really don't know. I'm genuinely curious. Do you have kids? I do. Okay. Dare I ask how many you have? Seven kids.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Seven kids. Okay. How many baby mamas? Football team starting. Will, shut the fuck up. Mama's babies. Mama's babies. Four. Four different mama's babies. Okay. Okay. That's perfect. That's actually... Throw that P, Hail Mary wide open. Absolutely. X route, Y, corduroy, panther, 26, blitzkrieg, on three, on three. Blue with the egg!
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I love it. Will, so when's the last time you had sex with a woman? Maybe even just a half ride. Didn't have to be a full ride. Maybe just a half ride.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay. Do a lot of girls flirt with you? Do a lot of girls flirt with you? Okay. We got it, we got it, Tommy. You don't have to explain. Here I go.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I would think that you would do really well with women since you look like all the members of the Black Eyed Peas combined. But then here it is. It turns out he opens his mouth and gets you in trouble. Well, Will, any other fun facts about you that we should know about before letting you go? I have to go with... Did you hear that fucking noise?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You ever think about throwing on a crash out bucket helmet and just fucking... Yeah, see, no.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
C-T-E-S-P-N. Shout out to Will. That's right. Shout out to Will. Here you go. A lot of people haven't been catching these joke books tonight. I expect you, for many reasons, to be able to catch this. Are you ready? It was a short throw.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
All right. Let's do one more bucket pool before we get to him, and then we'll keep it going. Ladies and gentlemen, another bucket pool, Nate. All right. That literally just did nothing there. That was nothing. She lifted it up and sat it back down. It's incredible. Yeah, we love her.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wow, shockingly incredible. And that is only because of crashoutbuckets.com. That's true, that's true. You wore a helmet throughout the entire thing. Absolutely incredible. Todd, remind us, how long you been doing standup? I've been doing standup for seven years.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
25, how long you been doing standup? Two, coming up on three years. Three years, all of it in Oklahoma or do you live here now?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay, started in Oklahoma, went to college in Kansas. What took you to Wisconsin?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Hell yeah. What kind of money are you making weekly on DoorDash?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I hate it when I order food and it turns out that it's on a bicycle. You see that little bicycle icon pull up and you realize that you hit the unlucky lottery, that your food is going to be cold. I've spilled so many coffees. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay. We wish that there was a part of the app where you could shut off the possibility of bicycles. Do you ever order DoorDash? No.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Motorcycle, bike, DoorDash. I love it. What do you do for fun? You're a 25-year-old, you're young and sprite. We've had a lot of beat-up older people on this show today. We had Busco on, who's a 1% real estate agent that moonlights at a pizza joint. You seem like you have all your life ahead of you, like a young Eminem type of character here.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You seem like you're young and sprite, like you have a lot on your mind, fully operational. You're not out of Adderall like some other bucket pulls tonight. You're fully operational.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I wish we could just have Antonio Brown, like perhaps like every episode, just like in your own like section up there, just smoking blunts, drinking white Russians and jumping in any time you want. Just know you're always welcome here, Antonio Brown. Thank you. I love it. I love it. This guy's unbelievable. It's so good.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
They say never meet your heroes from Twitter, but Antonio Brown is the absolute fucking man. So tell us more about you. You're 25. Tell us about what's going on in the life of a 25-year-old.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh my God. And you took two weeks of DoorDash pay and you're like, I'm fucking in. Two weeks is pretty generous.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What kind of nut is that exactly? It's one definitely wrapped in chocolate. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. And what have you been up to, Todd? Tell us. It's been a while since you've been on the show.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Great reference. I believe that is the first Klarna reference in the history of Kill Tony. Amazing. Amazing. I fucking get it. Making payments. Are you still making payments on your midget wrestling referee?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Fuck yeah, Nate. The people are loving this. People are loving the unbelievable payment process of Nate Lorette. Tell us one more fun fact about you. Anything else crazy? What are your parents like? You seem like a something.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Give him a restaurant to fucking promote. Yeah. Can you say tando ramen to that camera? Tondo Ramen. What's crazy is he had no idea that Ken say Yasuda. He was not in the room. He has no idea that he pointed at that camera every time. Yet meanwhile, I don't think you can say Tondo Ramen without pointing exactly at a camera. That is amazing. We're figuring something out here today.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
This is incredible. Nate, what's your big goal here? You're a couple months in. You're three years into comedy. You've been here for a year. You're door dashing.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okie dokie. These goals brought to you by marijuana, everybody. All right, well, congratulations, Nate. You're getting a big joke book. Go! There he goes, Nate Lorette, everybody. There goes Nate, everyone. There he goes. Go ahead, Nate. There he goes. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is, without a doubt, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. He is here.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You live in Las Vegas because you are the sphere? That's right.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That is indeed the Kill Tony Band.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Thank you, guys. Boom. Another minute 30 brand new for Ari Mati. We've missed you, Ari. You were in Estonia for a while. Now you're back.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That is right. You are the king of Estonia. A fun fact. Kill Tony, I believe, touched number one in America. for a quick bit. We had a, on Netflix, we had a, we had a very, very interesting time of our release. It came amongst the third most watched episode of Raw, WWE Raw of the year as they led up to WrestleMania. There was a new season of Black Mirror, a new season of Love on the Spectrum.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Where exactly do you get a shirt that size? Where do you have to go? Is that a custom job? What exactly? What the fuck?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It was a very amazing week to come out. We touched one for a second. We were number one in Canada for a couple few days, and we were number one of all places in Estonia. I think we're still number one in Estonia.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah, it really... You can sell out. It really seems like it. What is the population of Estonia, ballpark?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
How many of the people in Estonia look or act at all like Antonio Brown here?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Where the women at? Red Band has literally taken the time to look up the black population of Estonia. And Google's first sentence is, the black population in Estonia is small. comprising a fraction of the total population. According to a 2011 census, 414 people, or .0315%, had at least, hold on, had at least one parent that is African, which means that's even your mixed kids and everything, 414.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What are you... What do you think about this place, Antonio Brown, the country of Estonia? What do you think about them only having 414? That includes mixed people. Does this sound like a fun place for you to visit? Are you interested at all in visiting Estonia?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Hell yeah. I think he can single-handedly change the percentage of African-Americans, of African-Estonians.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There's a lot to digest there. You said titty milk. He said when the babies are born, that's what they drink. Like, perhaps that's a fun fact that we've never heard of before.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Have you had a white Russian with titty milk, Ari Matty? Yes. Really? Tell us about this.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Now, what's crazy is I was making fun of you before for stating something that was obvious, and now look at you now. You're like the doctor of titty milk. You are like a salmonella. Well, well, well, it's another episode of Antonio Brown sipping titty milk. The master of titty milk, Antonio Brown. I love it. Have you ever thought about having a white Russian with chocolate milk?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
No, no one has, and no one... Neither a black Estonian, either. Ari, Matty, you are the fucking man. We love you. A real-life rock star, live in the flesh. The man, the myth, the legend, Ari Matty, everybody. And we move on to our next and second to last bucket pool. Make some noise for Mike Love. Mike Love, everyone.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah, mic love. So how'd that go? Was that real? Any of that real?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
No doubt about it. It is incredible. We have one of the greatest football players of all time here. Did you ever play football, Todd? You don't have to touch the guests. All right, I'll stop. Did you ever play football? Todd, you're a big boy. You seem like you would have been a good center or offensive lineman.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That was kind of funny. That should be... Do you talk about that in your stand-up? Every once in a while. Okay, good.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
San Antonio right now, yeah. What made you move to San Antonio?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
So it just kind of made sense. Okay, what did you do in the military?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Before or after? Top Gun Maverick. How many people have you killed, Mike Love?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah, let's talk about that. What did you go to jail for?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What the hell, E? No, the guy that stole the blind lady's television? Yeah. Get him a crash out bucket. Yeah, man. A lot of you can't tell, but D Madness has been muttering angry things back here ever since he found out that this guy stole a blind woman's television.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah. He's fucking pissed. He just took his earpiece out. He's never even done that before. So he's basically senseless right now.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
D, what do you want to... I'm only 5'3 and I'm white. D, what do you think about this piece of shit stealing blind women's televisions? D Madness.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
He is digging himself a deeper hole. Oh, yeah. All right. Mike Love, what's a redeeming quality about you that'll make everyone like you?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Maybe he could take you under his wing, and you could take him under your breasts and thighs. Because you are a monster, Todd. How much exactly do you weigh?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Here's a little joke book. Mike Love, everybody. There he goes. Congratulations, Mike Love. You will forever be remembered as the guy that stole a blind woman's television. From charities also. Yeah, fake charity. We're going to look up Parker Project and read its one-star reviews here in a second.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
All right, we realize that we have not had a female comedian pulled out of the bucket all night tonight, so I pulled until I found one. This looks like a very fun name. Make some noise for Andri from Russia, everybody. Andri from Russia. Oh, okie-dokie. All right. Looks like I fucked up. It's okay. I guess it's Andrei, spelled with a Y. One more time. Andrei, perhaps, from Russia?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay, very good. And so you live in Russia full-time. You're just visiting for a while?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Thailand, yeah. I could tell when you said all over the place that it's Thailand. No doubt about it. You're having a good time over there.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Let's get the scale ready here. There's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Absolute eye candy. So much candy that Todd wants to eat her. Yeah, that's true. Todd would eat everything except for her pussy. What do you think you weigh, Todd?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yep. Because from behind, it's all the same. You don't see? That's right. Speaking of white Russians, let's check in with 14 Deep here, Antonio Brown. Have you ever been to Russia, Antonio?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There is nothing you can say that isn't hilarious. You're in Russia right now, dude.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You do? Is that true? Yeah. You've seen someone where you're from that looks like Antonio Brown?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wait, hold on a second. Hold on. What do you mean there's a whole university? What exactly are they teaching these people?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I'm learning, okay? Okay, so what goes on at this program?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Do you... Have you ever been to this university or driven by it or seen it? Do you know anything about it? Do people go around there? What's it like?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What do you mean by that? What do you mean by not stylish?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
When you say they're not, you mean they're just wearing, like, normal clothes, like, flannels, no... No chains. No chains. This motherfucker, are you gonna take that? Are you gonna take that, AP? That is one of very Russian... Russian popular rapper. His name is No Chains.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
No one else was thinking about that either, by the way. You just had your own little breakthrough. I was not even thinking about slavery. Sorry? You need a crash out bucket. He does need a crash-off bucket. But for now, you're going to settle for a big joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. We're moving along.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
We're flying through it. There you go. Andre from Russia. I found what has to be our real first female comedian of the night and your final bucket pool of the night. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Anna Mae. Anna Mae.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That's exactly 60 seconds from Anna Mae. All right. Okay. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up, Anna Mae? About six years. Six years. Where at exactly?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well, you do live in a van. That makes sense. You are on the road.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Of course. I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. How do you make money? What exactly do you do to make money?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What is something you've done for money on the road? This could be a compelling part of this show.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You guys want to take a guess? D-Madness. Tommy, would you like to take a guess at how much you think Todd weighs?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, so it's like just road jobs, nothing steady. No, nothing at all. Nothing actually prostituting.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You hustle. Yeah. Okay, what's your least favorite job you've ever done off of that app?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, yeah, they are rough. Yeah, they're really rough. That is not a job for white people. Um... We are not built for that. Anybody groaning, you clearly haven't stayed at an Extended Stay America. It's a special, special type of place.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah, exactly. It is crazy. There's been a couple times where, yeah, you're out there on the road, and there's not much else. Doing the small clubs on the suburbs. Anna, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened? Living in a van. Give us a real gritty answer.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
What kind of porn were you watching in the Walmart parking lot?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well. Does it look, does every thumbnail look like Antonio Brown?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I don't wanna... I don't wanna pressure you. I don't wanna pressure you, because Lord knows you are looking for a lawsuit. So, uh... Anna Mae. Anything else interesting about your life before I let you go?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Anna Mae, here's a little joke book. I'm going to toss it to you.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I went a little short there as to avoid hitting her with a joke book. For those of you keeping track of my avoiding a lawsuit with Anna Mae, who literally came here to sue somebody. Sometimes people sign up just to try to sue you. Okie dokie. All right. Okay. One more time for Heidi, everybody. Isn't she lovely? We've come to the part of the show, this is it, the grand finale.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man with the record for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, all-time everything. He is a Kill Tony Hall of Famer, originally from Memphis, Tennessee. Now he is the ambassador to Austin, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. the pope of piracy, the king of conundrums, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Wow. My God. You would think that the man that has done it the most would come in and just cruise by, leaning on his laurels, but not at all.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I'm sorry. No, you're right. 412. You're going with his guess. So the last time he weighed in, it was 412. Tommy's going with 412. Let's get a guess. Wait, did he say that? Yeah. He said 412? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You will row 500 miles and you will row 500 more to be the man that rows 500 miles and rows down at your door. All right. Okay. That was incredible. Very topical. Carmelo Anthony, the Pope, Easter. You covered it all. We're covering it, dude. You are dialed in. Let me ask you something, William.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You are one of the most interesting creatures, not only in the history of the show, but I think in this modern era of comedy. And you are always so entertaining to watch, interact with guests. And my friend, we have a very special treat. This is Antonio Brown.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
He was. William can't have a drink. Is it funny? William can't have a drink without... Are you getting that? Is someone... Please tell me you're getting that Antonio Brown laugh. You have it? You'll get it? Well, get it. What do you mean you will get it? William's up, you motherfucker. Get it. Antonio, give me one... You failed the fucking test. Hey, hey. Got it? Do that one more time.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well, that's just unbelievable. It was right there. There's a lot of amplification in the room. There's literally... I've never been hard to see, but I guess sometimes I'm hard to hear. Wow. There you go. All right. All right. Let's check in with the great Antonio Brown. He was 412 last time he weighed himself. What do you think he's weighing in at today?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Do that little laugh for us. Did you get it? Let's try it. Hit it. Oh, well.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Antonio Whiteberry. Do you have any questions for one of the greatest wide receivers, football players of all time, William? William is a sports fanatic and the legend of the show.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There we go. We got it. I love it. Antonio, did you always play football? You were in high school and grade school and everything, right?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Where do you think you get your hilarious sense of humor from?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
That is straight CTE. A fun fact is that a lot of the best comedians of all time, Roseanne Barr, Sam Kennison, Richard Pryor, all had extreme brain trauma. A little fun fact. This is an actual fact. Roseanne wasn't hilarious until she got hit by a car. Same with Sam Kennison. I do believe he was hit by a car or something crazy like that. You're in good company, Antonio.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
There are no coincidences here. I used to do pro wrestling. We would jump off of trampolines and literally land on my fucking head all the time. I'm, you know. A perfect example. Red Band never hit his head on anything. That's why you could tell.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Oh, Red Band got you a present. What is that? What is that? Open it up, William.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. Wow. Take your mom pussy.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Okay. Normally he catches, but tonight he passes. William, what else? Oh, you don't want to know, Tony. Oh boy, that's a first. I've never gotten that response.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
He said that you might like his fat white ass, Antonio. Thank you. What's the number? What do you think?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
No, I like this. I like it. I like it. $15,000 in unopened Lego sets. Are you going to play with them?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. That is the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and that is Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Stupid straws. How we feeling tonight? Everybody happy to be here? I am wearing sunglasses for the first time in the show's history, for I am coming off fresh from WrestleMania last night.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah. Antonio Brown and the Big Red Machine. That is, together, they are the Big Brown Machine. Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. And make some fucking noise for the great Antonio Brown at AB84. CrashOutBuckets.com.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
over it over its party that's that's is that your what is that antonio what's the over its party what did i what did i write the song is called over it oh over it on spotify that's what i scribbled here over it is on spotify antonio has a song um and go listen to it it's on spotify now it's called over it i didn't even know you did music but i bet it's the Kill Tony. You're damn right, baby.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
We're doing it. Living the dream. Please follow him on Twitter, but I'm sure you already are, at AB84. I swear to God, it's the funniest shit. He calls everybody gay, and it is hilarious. That's right. That's right. The Cracker Awards. The Cracker Awards. We are hoping to one day win the Cracker Award for live podcast of the year. There's really no other competition.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
So we're hoping we'll get it this year at the awards. We're literally fingers crossed. How about one more time for the great Tommy Pope, everybody? Tommy the Legend. Tires, season two. June 5th, look at Dish on YouTube and Stuff Island, available everywhere where podcasts are available. Thank you to Talkspace, Shopify, Via, and Built. This was their episode. PetersonAcademy.com.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
One more time for the great Jordan Peterson, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is awesome. The drawing from Chris Rogers tonight is me. Well, that's a good one. Me. Look at my eyes in that. I'd be wearing sunglasses in that, too. Can we draw some sunglasses on those eyes? God. That actually... All right. I love it. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. I love you guys.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
God bless America. We did it again. We'll see you next week. We love you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yay! Coming fresh off of 420. I don't think I'm that high. Okay, well, we're going to see. You don't know what we see when we look at you. It is incredible. I'm also wearing heavy shoes. That is all part of the guess here.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
And now, ladies and gentlemen, stepping on the scale, this is Todd Royce. Tommy Pope, give me a reading over there. We should all be wearing protective goggles. Oh, 412! 412, exactly.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yeah. Yeah, your doctor's fucked up, dude. He's fleecing you, I'll tell you. Todd, anything else crazy we should know about before letting you go?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Are you going to say your Instagram handle? Yeah, sure. That would be a brilliant idea.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Little something from your pal Red Band over there. There he goes. He's got the show started with a bang and a boom. And a one and a two. There goes Todd Royce and to the bucket we go. You guys excited to be here? This is the fun part of the show. This is the nitty gritty. This is where we meet people all together. Perhaps we've seen them before. Maybe they're worse than they were before.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That is indeed Huevos Rancheros, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo, Nachos motherfucking Belgrande. That is Big Mike live in the flesh. That is the real Big Mike. I know what you're thinking. He doesn't look that big. Well, the podcast adds two feet. This is the sweet, sweet Matt Muehling behind us, dressed like a bum next to a barrel fire. This is the great John Dees.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
There she is, live in the flesh, the one and only Heidi Kim. No, that's not the D-E-I I was hoping for. I like them a little darker. All right, your first bucketful of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Gabriel Kerr, everyone. Here we go. Gabriel Kerr.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Gabriel Kerr, with a minute and some change. Welcome. It's been a long time. You've been on the show numerous times before. Welcome back, Gabriel. Thank you. It's been a long time. It's been like three years. Welcome, welcome. That was a good set. Thank you. You've been working hard on your stand-up comedy? Yes. Okay. You still live here in Austin? I do. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's no longer in business? A good business. Okay. What happened to the business? Why is it no longer a good business? Because the fucking rates are through the goddamn roof. Interest rates? Yeah. So it's not profitable for you. Do you still have it? What are you doing with it? Breaking even. Okay. Hell yeah. This is like Mad Money with Jim Cramer, except a very unprofitable version of the show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. Okay. Guys, have you ever seen anything quite as adorable as Gabriel Kerr?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We look great. Look at this. Wow. Over my hoodie? I know two guys that are going to fuck a Pringles can tonight together.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hell yeah. It says plain, but they taste like French onion.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Gabriel, what else is going on in your world, huh? What else is going on in life? I found out four months ago that I'm Jewish. Whoa, four months ago?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I kind of see it. Yeah, there it is. No doubt about it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
My goodness. This is incredible. So you found out four months ago, did your grandpa leave you money? No. I thought he was Jewish. Yeah, he took it with him. To the grave?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely incredible. You still have this crazy love life, I kind of remember, right? Like threesomes or cuckery or something, right? Remind us, what was it again? My wife and I fuck other women. Your wife and you fuck other women. Are you guys still doing that? Yeah. And that's working? Yeah. Okay. Works great for me. Yeah. Okay. And when's the last time you did that?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The hair is connected to the hat, fun fact. And that is Dee Madness wearing his finest pajamas this evening. It is incredible. He rolled right out of bed. right out of bed to be here tonight. We are gonna have so much goddamn fun. I can feel it in the air. Do you guys feel it? This feels like a hot crowd. I see a lot of goddamn Latinos out here hiding from ISIS right now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, Red Band wants to know so that he can nuclear catfish a couple. I'll just be in the kitchen. You guys do your thing.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I love it. Gabriel, you already have a big joke book, right? There he goes. Gabriel Kerr, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Hey, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You cannot get deported at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. It's impossible. You're protected. In fact, we're all gonna give you, we're gonna give all the Latinos in the room a little hand stamp. to protect you since we're all part of the current administration of the United States of America now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We're in for a treat. This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest door guys here at the Mothership and one of the funniest of the top young rising comedians in the world. This is a good, fun chance for the world to get to see, and I don't know what kind of minute he's gonna do, but this is one of our favorite up and coming young comedians.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Make some noise for the great and powerful Miles Johnson, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You will be protected as long as the hand stamp doesn't wash off so you can't do any hard work for... All right. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Vya. Folks, life moves fast and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge or stay focused without making things more complicated than they already are.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, absolutely incredible. What you see is what you get. Miles is hilarious and a very, very nice boy as well. He's a nice guy. Yeah, I'm kind of like that, yeah. As much as I like you, Miles, I know almost nothing about you. You've worked here for a couple years, and we've all been doing comedy together. You're very, very funny. And so tell us, what's up?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What do you do when you're not doing stand-up or working here? Usually I'm hanging with my bitch. Yeah. I wish I could do impressions of a black guy like you do. What do you mean? I mean, I do it. Everybody's like, whoa. I think it's cool. Go for it. What is that? Is that you? What's going on back there? John. That's crazy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
John, you having your own sound effects is becoming an immediate... What do you mean? Okay. That is me. That is me. That's from the British black rapper. Turned out he was like a famous rapper, by the way. Guy in the front row. Oh, I'm so black. It's time for some rap music. And that beat dropped, and it's like a historical moment in the history of this show. White guys were dancing. Whoa.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Miles, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Other than your face and hair.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Let's just take the body out of it. Let's just take the skin and body out of it. Are you like a point guard or something like that?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I didn't have a fucking dad. It's funny that you think that's what dads do.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
out of being so nasty right now. Just rubbing the old Cryptoris. Miles, what else? Any other hobbies or fun things that you're into? You seem like the kind of guy that, you know, chess club or something like that.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Miles, Miles, Miles. You are incredible. You are fantastic. You've done it again.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You already have one of these? You don't? There it is. Boom. Big joke book for Miles Johnson, and the show continues. And your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eve Ellenbogen. Eve Ellenbogen. Make some noise for Eve, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Boom, there you go. Everyone is retarded. Eve Ellenbogen, Bill Maher.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Welcome, Eve. This is your first time on the show. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? 12 years. 12 years. Almost all of that in New York?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You have a very South Korean haircut. Hans Kim was up here with the exact same hairstyle just minutes ago.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Seven is such a wild age to have that happen. Did she explain to you what was happening?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's the butt plug. So she was very sick from when you were five.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
So there was a period of time when you're in kindergarten learning words and colors and everything.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And meanwhile, your mom was unlearning how to misspell her name at the same time. So you got to pass up your mom in real time. You know, I never... Speaking of real time, Bill Maher is here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Low-mainal? Mom says goodbye, and you say hello. Hello. Mom says goodbye, and I say hurrah. Hurrah, hurrah. Your mom is looking up at us right now laughing. I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I'm kidding. She's in heaven. Was she Jewish too? She's Jewish. She's looking up at us right now. I love it. What's dad like?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Look at this guy putting your mom to shame in years. It's incredible.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And to think Gabriel found out he was Jewish only four months ago. Yeah. The only dad like yours. I love it, Eve. So that's fun. So now you live in Austin for the last year.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Whatever you need, Vya has a solution for you. If you're 21 or over, check out the link to Vya in our description. And use the code TONY to receive 15% off and free shipping on orders over $100. And if you're new to Viya, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your every day with Viya.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What happened? Did you de-madness? Have you been giving free bang cuts lately? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Did you think about putting it on speakerphone and setting the phone down?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Are you on medicine for that? No. How do you handle it?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, everybody's thinking it. I know. You just happened to sign up for my show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
If you were on Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher would literally be asking you about those bangs.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You don't drink, but you end up with a drunken haircut.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Eve Ellenbogen, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. There's a big joke book. Eve, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Oh, look at that. And here you go. You just saw somebody get booked for a real show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You guys ready to start tonight's show, huh? Yeah! Well, well, well, you guys are here for another legendary episode of the show. This is an incredible, incredible booking. My mind is blown at the fun that is about to happen. One of the guests is one of the most legendary guests in the history of the show, one of the most utilized guests, and who I consider to be a king of New York City visiting.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Anything can happen here. Your next comedian... Ooh la la. Your next comedian goes by the name of Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Here's Sharon Ruth Hensley, everyone. Make some noise for Sharon, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. Sharon Ruth Hensley. I don't think I've ever been softer in my life. This is incredible. Big Jay Oakerson.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. Incredible. You have real liberal hippie vibes. No, sorry. Don't apologize to me. I fucking hate those people. It's incredible that you're not.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, tell us about that. This is incredible. A little Dick Cheney situation here?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, how, okay, let's just take it one step at a time. You kind of went Tarantino style there. You went the beginning and the end. Now we need to figure out that whole fucking middle part where you find out that your phone and your electricity's cut. I murdered a felon.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. So take us through it. You noticed your electricity's out, right?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
So why would he go and then cut your electricity and your phone?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We're jumping around here. So are you standing there with a gun in your hand? You're by yourself on the other side of the door waiting for it to open so that you can shoot him?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The other guest is one of the most legendary comedians of all time who's never been on the show before. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guest. Wow. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Bill Maher and Big Jay Oakerson.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Let's go back to the question that I specifically asked. It's a pretty simple question. Pretend like you don't know the story, like the people here and the people watching at home. So the person's trying to kick down your door. You're on the other side of the door with a gun. Are you standing there with it pointed at the door? Yes.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Are you saying anything back to him while there's a hole in the door, Big J?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. You're about to make a long distance call to heaven. My uncle was a sniper.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow, oh my God. Take it easy, cunt Eastwood. This is incredible. Oh my God, I thought your pussy was dirty and hairy, but I didn't realize you're dirty, Harry. See the reference there, folks? That's good. Yoni's not even smiling. All right. Incredible. A 357 Magnum with hollow points.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, my God. This is some real Texas shit. Wow. Well, the funny thing is... Right now, people in California and New York are like, what? The bullets didn't have time to expand? Wow. So a marathon runner. And by that, we have figured out the race of the man. Am I correct?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, Mexican. Wow. I thought it was pictured that. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The fact that he's Mexican does make the catchphrases that she could have said to him a lot better, right? Did somebody order the migas tacos?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
For whom does the taco bell toll? I like that one. Yeah. Incredible. So you didn't kill him? No. How many times was he shot?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Three times and he survived. God damn. This must be one of Big Mike's relatives. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. En español.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Did any of these ricochet off of his saxophone? How Mexican was this guy exactly?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, wow. No bueno. No bueno at all. Do you know what he does for work? He's disabled. Uh-huh. Right. Is he a citizen? Is he a legal citizen?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Really? Isn't that interesting? If an illegal immigrant committing an illegal crime gets shot by a legal American, they automatically get money forever.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, wow, in that case. God damn it. We'll see about that. I'm going to talk to my friends in the administration.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely. Was it his right arm? His favorite hand. Wow. So you live life constantly looking over your shoulder.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Revenge is a beach. The good news is... You should have killed me, bitch.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, that'll really throw him off, Redman. Hey, I would kill you, but I don't think it's the right beach, dude.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You don't have cats, right? No. But it's amazing because you seem like you do.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, okay. Oh, so you hate Jews. Yeah. That tracks. Incredible. Boy, you cannot judge a book by its cover here in Texas because you seem like you would just be one of the worst people ever. It's incredible. Wait, let's see. Red Band has a good point. We want to see, you seem like you could be one of those secret hot chicks.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Look out there and would you mind taking off your glasses and kind of like frilling your hair like that real quick? Just out of our own curiosity. Can you look that way? Whoa. Whoa. I think I have a 357 in my pants now. We've come full circle here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You have the thickest white accent I've ever heard. It's literally... I can't understand you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, it seems like it. You do. You seem like a wacky Canadian.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
She doesn't do a lot of talking. She lets the gat hum. Yeah. All right, well, Sharon Ruth Hensley. Any relation to Hunter Hurst?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely. The interview, while absolutely incredible, you know, the set was that set. You are leaving here, don't kill me, with a little joke book. Is that a gasp from, you guys, you want me to give her a big joke book? All right, okay. Jesus, I've never heard the whole audience go, aw, at once like that. This is a true democracy here in America. There's a big joke book for you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're killing it, lady. You're killing it. I'm sure some open miker's gonna bang the hell out of you tonight. Someone's blowing the dust off of that librarian pussy tonight, I can tell.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right, Sharon, relax. There you go, all right. Facebook? Facebook.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, that is a wild lady. You can tell she has like a sex swing at her place. That's like a kinky, kinky old lady. You guys having fun out there? We just met a cat lady that's secretly a killer. Anything can happen here. Mixed voice for your next comedian, Benny Boy, everybody. Benny Boy, that's a new name here. Here we go. Oh, we know Benny boy. All right. Here he is.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You've never been on before, Bill. I've always wanted to book you. You're one of the few big comedians that I've never been able to have on.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, no doubt about it. This is Bill Maher, Benny boy. You ever meet Bill Maher before? Bill Maher?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is wild that we've had two bucket pulls in a row that were both part of the Manson family. This is absolutely incredible. You had to bring that up, huh? It's a real reunion here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Benny, has that always been what you've gone by on the show? Why does Benny Boy feel like a new name to me?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, the only way to mess it up is by having it be ineligible. Which means I can't read it. Which most likely means they're mentally ill.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. Confucius. So, Benny, tell us, what have we not talked about? You've been on the show before, just to catch Bill Maher and Big Jay Oakerson up. And you famously, at one point in your life, were friends with Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. You call him Richie.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. You guys were heroin buddies. Yeah. You didn't do anything gay like eat cereal together.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're all right. The one directly behind you is blind, so he doesn't know exactly where you are.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Did you ever share in... Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So... Did you ever share a needle with him?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Because it was a bloodletting, but... Benny Boy, tell us something about your life that you've never told us before. You have always been a great interviewee.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
He stole his TV when he... Yes, can we get proper lighting for this keynote? He's a great storyteller.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Great song. That's Stevie Wonder. That's D-Madness. Those are two different blind black men, Bill.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
There's a lady that's going to be murdered by a Mexican with one arm before this guy comes to his TV. Just go ahead. Tell the story, Benny.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I guess I'm a big asshole. Welcome, Bill. And Big Jay Oakerson is back. Well, Bill Maher insists on promoting KyleDunnigan.com, who Kyle famously played RFK Jr. and is one of the great comedians in the world.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Keep going, Benny. Keep going. You have pure momentum.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I love him. How did you and Kyle Dunnigan become so... I just am a huge fan of his comedy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I love it. And Kyle Dunnigan is on tour right now, so make sure you get tickets at kyledunnigan.com. Big Jay has a brand new special out. Them, They is out now. Them is out now. They comes out in April, and that is on YouTube. YouTube. Big Jay Oakerson. Truly... Two of the best comedians working today. Big J, you've been on numerous times. We're so happy to have you back.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Absolutely incredible. Did you make it back in time to plug in the TV and catch the episode of Johnny Carson?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Benny boy, it boggles my mind your ability to tell stories in the interview portion of this show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, well, you just got to keep signing up and do it again. I sign up every fucking week. All right, yeah, this is it. This is your odds. Everything makes sense. You get pulled once every few shows.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What are you, crazy? It's a bucket full of names, you psychopath.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What did you say? Guinea? Did you call yourself a guinea?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's perfect. Benny, we love you. You already have a big joke book, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got one. Don't try to steal one from me here. I'm not making a fucking sandwich.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay, Jesus Christ. You're a real con artist. Do you know that? There he goes, Benny boy, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. We're flying through him tonight. Benny, what? You just told a 15-minute long fucking story. What else could you possibly want? Last time I was here. I have a lady that I'm going to have shoot you in a second, right behind the curtain.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hey, no, remember, I'm nonviolent. What? I'm nonviolent. Okay. The last time I was here... Okay, Benny, I love you. You got to go. Benny boy, ladies. I'm going to have security choke you the fuck out. Get out of here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Get out of here. Unbelievable. A throwback to a different time.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I can't believe you have Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hawk Tua girls.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You always book somebody... Very important and like, you know, and then someone that's just like a street rat.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Kyle Dunnigan.com is what Bill Maher is promoting tonight. Oh, man. That is hilarious. Hello. This podcast is sponsored by Vaya. Folks, life moves fast, and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge, or stay focused without making things more complicated than they already are.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right, your next comedian. We still having fun out there? Not everybody's just old people with crazy stories out of this bucket tonight. There's no way. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right, Marvin Izzy. Marvin, welcome. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Starting this Monday? What have you been doing up until this point? And this is this Monday, by the way. You were supposed to start today. It's Monday night now. I think you missed your shift. All right, so I'm unemployed. Now I meant to say I start next Monday. Okay.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And where are you an operations clerk at? That is a professional title, but you didn't tell us where you work.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
We all fucking try to help them out, find out more about them, find out what's interesting about their lives. The whole thing is improvised. Have you ever seen this show before, Bill?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Nice. That ponytail is so tight back. It is incredible. You're Puerto Rican? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible. There is a certain amount of absolute pain that they put themselves through before you leave the house. Stretch out the forehead, you know? Yep, absolutely. Absolutely incredible. What do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
There it is. Very Puerto Rican. Yeah. Absolutely. Who has the tighter ponytail, you or her? Me. There you go. Nice. Yeah. You're saying that hers is loose? I hope that's the only thing.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You better get it together, Bill Maher, because next week on your show, you have Vladimir Putin and Benny Boy. I'm getting word. That's right.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's too much fun. This is too much fun. Marvin Izzy, what's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you? I suffered a heart attack a year ago. Oh, my God. How did that happen?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Jesus. You had a heart attack at 38? Yes, sir. And where did this happen? How did this happen? Take us through the steps. Your right arm goes a little numb?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
But I would have assumed you were ODing on cocaine as well. But ODing on cocaine and a heart attack are almost essentially kind of the same thing, right?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Never tried it before, but I guess that's a thing. I'm a gay cokehead.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Congratulations. That is a fun fact. That is the laugh of Fiona Cawley that John Dees has saved on his keyboard. John Dees has some of his own sound. Hit it again, John. That is the great Fiona Cawley. Golden ticket winner out of Nashville, Tennessee. Um, okay, Marvin, you've been on the show before, right? Last week in that turbo round. Okay. That shit.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, congratulations. You got your interview in. You got pulled out of the bucket. There he goes. You got a little joke book? I ain't get nothing. Here you go, my friend. Hey, why not? Marvin Izzy. All right, we're flying through it. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris... Cabral, everybody. Chris Cabral. Or Chris Cabral, perhaps. All right.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow, 42 seconds from Chris Cabral talking about his tiny penis. Yes, tiny, tiny. Hello, Chris. Welcome. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy out?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow, this is exactly how I've always expected Bill Maher to be. This is incredible. I can't believe Bill Maher is here. While we go wrangle that comedian, the first bucket pool from across the street, we have someone special here to start tonight's show. It has been a long time since we've seen this young man. Ladies and gentlemen, a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. Former regular.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. That is one of the saddest things that's ever happened in Charlottesville, Virginia. A true tragedy. Man, that's brutal. That's all right. Oh, you got me. Chris, how long have you been a retired police officer for? I have been a police officer. I have been. Way back in the day. What? You just stepped on a joke and what? I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Big J, what did you say? I forget. That's all right. Chris Cabral just out here swinging that baby penis around. So what does that mean, law enforcement, as a park ranger? What were you doing exactly? Resting squirrel. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Speaking of squirrels, next week on Bill Maher's show, he has President Zelensky and one of the squirrels that he arrested. One of the squirrels, yeah. All right. It's a packed show. It's going to be a good show. I can't get enough of these Bill Maher bookings. Chris, there has been something that's been happening tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I'm going to catch you up because the bucket pools are brought over here and kind of get to hear what's happening right before they come up. There's been a theme tonight with Eve Ellen. Nope. Sharon Ruth Hensley, older lady, kind of had a rough set and then an unbelievable interview. Benny boy, mediocre set. Game-changing interview. A story that would win a fucking Oscar if podcasts had awards.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. Now, what I want you to do here... Yes, sir. ...is I want you to think in your head of something of your entire life. How old are you?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
5'5". Okay, 5'5". Very good. Stick with me here. I want you to focus because this could be golden. We could go three for three with unfunny old sets having unbelievable interviews. If this goes how I think it can go, you're going to come out of here feeling good. If it continues to go how you've been letting it go... You're gonna go, what the fuck was that? This is your moment.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is your moment. My moment. You have 55 years to reflect on a story or a moment or something interesting about you that is going to change this fucking vibe, this moment that we're in right now. It's all good. It's your life. I need you to reflect in your head. Let me give you an example. Sharon Ruth Hensley, a woman who appeared to own all of the cats, turns out is a gun-toting hillbilly.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
A Texan through and through, even though she looked like she voted for Kamala eight times in eight different states. Turns out she shoots people that try to invade her house with a .357 Magnum. Hollow point bullets that blast through marathon runners who are currently tracking her down right now. Sweet little Benny boy comes up with some old-timey jokes.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Fucking, it takes me seven hours to watch 60 Minutes. Next thing you know, him and the band fucking jamming up here, talking about a guy making a little mustard sandwich, stealing his TV. A heavy TV, so heavy that he ended up taking it up on a ladder on his shed, driving his car around. It was fucking crazy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wouldn't even make sense in any other universe other than Kill Tony. So now, Chris Cabral? Cabral. Chris Cabral. Yeah. Now is that moment. John, if you can give me a little something. Lighting, if you can give me a little something. This is your moment. Chris, tell us. 55 years to reflect on. Tell us something that would boggle our fucking minds that you've seen or been part of in your life.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And now, this is that moment. Starting now, this is Chris Cabral.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Y'all know luge? Stop asking the audience for their approval. I can't believe three years and you've learned nothing about the art form, Chris. Just focus in on the story. Don't acknowledge the art. Pretend like you're just crushing. Stare straight out there.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, two for three tonight isn't that bad. It's a good story.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's pretty wild. The good news, Ronald Reagan and the baby from that story are on Bill Maher next month. Okay. All right. Not bad.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Thank you, Tony. That baby. An unbelievably bad story, Chris. You basically assaulted a two-year-old and threw a Russian woman into a snowbank. Yes, that is true. I love it. I love it. Chris, what are we missing about you? Anything else before I let you go?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, okay. What have you done in the Air Force? Do you ever serve overseas or anything? Other than beating up children?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It is incredible. Your perspective is amazing, Big J. You've seen what I was... I completely missed this. The kid was looking up to you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You snoozy luge. Chris Cabral, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. You going to catch this? Sure. There you go. Chris Cabral, everybody. Thank you. All right. Your final bucket pool of the night, everybody. It's been a hell of a show. Make some noise for Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Jarrett Zeller. Here we go. Uh-oh. Look out. Here he is.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Make some noise for Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Wait a second. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, and you play that when he's up here. No, no, that's not how it works. That's intro. Outro is when they're leaving. Intro is when the next person comes up. We're going to give this guy a fresh start. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jarrett Zellert. One more time for Jared Zeller, everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It was bad and awesome at the same time. There's something... It was bad, but there's something weirdly hilarious about you. I love that you blame them. No, I understand.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How exciting. You are here at Kill Tony, everybody. Make some noise for Brian Redband. There he is. How about one more time for the best fucking goddamn motherfucking band in all the land, the Kill Tony Band. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is what Benny boy was like when he was younger or something.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. It is incredible. You have a very odd charisma to you, Jarrett Zeller.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're welcome. You seem a little twitchy, a little high energy. Are you on like Adderall or something?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. How long have you been visiting from California?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. Jared, how old are you? I'm 27. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Dallas, Fort Worth, and College Station. We know it very well. And how often do you make it down to Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're slowly turning around completely. You just made direct eye contact with the drummer there. I'm going to help you out. When you get nervous, you spin around in 180 degrees. Your mom took you to Austin once? She took me to the domain. We stayed by the domain. Wow. You came to Austin to go to the worst place in the city. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You've been doing it for two years. Is that your best minute or is that your newest minute? Oh, dude. Man, I feel like I know where this is going to go, man. Where do you think this is going to go? Face the crowd.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I've never seen anything like it before. You're like some type of like one of those. What's the thing that's in the middle of like a dinner table? What's that called? Nancy Susan. Lazy Susan. Jared Zeller has the stage presence of a Lazy Susan.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You don't need to throw your mom under the bus. Thank God. You're very close with your mother, aren't you? Yeah. You still live with her?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And you had no helmet on? Yeah. This is all starting to make sense. Were you twitchy and kind of jittery before that?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. You're doing great then. Were you going down the freeway at some point and perhaps got a little nervous and turned around and started going the other way, head on to traffic?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay. So, Jarrett, you hit an 18-wheeler, so you had to go back live with your parents.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You dress well. You have good stuff going on. What's your... You have a good love life?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay, all right, Jesus. We get it, we know. We know she let you wear her pants to the show tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Thank you guys so much. Wow. Exactly one minute. Hans Kim. Thank you, Tony. Back in front of everybody.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is so interesting, Jared. I find you to be an interesting, interesting person. I can tell that you're funny. Thank God. I mean, you weren't funny, but I can tell that in there is a funny guy. I can tell. You have, like, funny motions, and your timing and movement of funny is good. There's something in there. Well, thank you, Tony. Let me ask you again.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
If you were to do your funniest joke that you've written in the two years that you've been doing it, what do you think your go-to would be? It couldn't possibly be that crazy Kamala Harris impression. No, no, no. That was insane. Yes. That was just a racist impression of a black guy done by an extremely white guy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It was just... Yeah, I was waiting for something about a candidacy or politics or something.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
In two years, I got to know, if Johnny Carson was here and he's like, I might want to have you on my show after Richard Pryor on a stolen television tonight. All I want to see is one joke and I'll give you a spot. What would the joke be? Look out at the crowd. You're turning around again.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It doesn't have to be clean, but go ahead. Just pretend like you're on Kill Tony, the modern-day Johnny Carson, and do a joke.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
See how he danced with the music? There's a funny guy in there. There's a funny guy in there. Do you have funny friends? Do you hang out with funny people?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, this is... When's the last time you were in a relationship?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Before we let you go, what's the craziest thing we should know about you, Jared, your entire life? What's something wild? You've seen this show before. You know how the interview part of the show works. You're in it right now. What do you think would be something you would bring up?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Every time you talk, I have so many more questions. Dude, listen. Hold on a second. No, you listen. You listen to me. You listen to me. So you're hooking up with this chick. You have a neck brace on. Did you not think to go, hey, do you mind if fucking you get on top?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You were on top and you're just there with the neck brace, like fucking her. And you like, can't look at her cause your neck's like that.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You're right, Bill. We're going to keep it moving. Here's a little joke book for you. Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Jarrett Zeller. All right. I also want to plug my show. All right. Okay, we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, and you are in for a very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Here to close tonight's show, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, this is Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The west side of it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What's the difference between the west side and the rest of Orlando?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. What's on the... What's on the south side of Orlando? I don't know that side. I don't know where that's at. You never drove through there? I don't know which way that is. How about the north side? Neither. Wow. One way south, one way north, who knows? You just pointed right and left, so I'm getting the feeling that you're not exactly sure. what north and south means. Correct.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
One way's north, the other way's south. Incredible. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What? For real, though? No, yeah, no. I know. The last thing. The last thing, uh, yeah. I'm a good guy now. I do comedy. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's my uncle. Absolutely. But you would go to Disney World a lot, right?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Wow. That's a lot of gay five- and six-year-olds out there. It's not wrong. Gay as hell.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I hate that shit. What about the new Disney stuff? There's a lot of... Tron.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hans Kim. It has been a while. You're back. It was a solid minute. Big J, what do you think about this sweet boy?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's a way to... All right. You ever get that Tron thing in there? That's an adult... What do you own stock in Tron or something like that? Say Tron?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. Yeah. What about Tron? Tron. Sounds like one of your people. Tron. I know Tron. My cousin named Natron.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Like in your phone it says Natron? Yeah, I think I've... Let me see. Hold up. Oh, my goodness, you're getting your Instagram. I'll show you on Instagram. Wow. Natron. That sounds about right. Natron Jenkins, wide receiver, University of Alabama. What that shit right there? Look. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, yeah. What Benny boy would have done for a bouncy house while trying to steal a television. Can you imagine? That was hilarious, dog. That's crazy. That old nigga crazy. No one loves a good stealing someone's TV story as much as... I was just like, whoa, this is genius. Wait till they eat the sandwich. What? I never thought about that, man. You're like, this guy's a logistics chief.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Unbelievable. Cam, you're a superstar. Another rock solid minute. You've done it again. We love you. He's on tour. He's fucking killing it all around the world, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in Bill Maher, ladies and gentlemen. Am I right? Tune in. He is repping Kyle Dunnigan. Kyle Dunnigan.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Bill Maher, you are the man. Kyle Dunnigan is on tour. Kyle Dunnigan famously did an RFK Jr. impression on this show, which was absolutely incredible. We love Kyle Dunnigan. It's amazing that we have that in common, that we love Kyle Dunnigan.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
How about a big hand for the great Big Jay Oakerson, everybody. Them, they. Them is out now on YouTube at Big Jay Oakerson. They comes out in April. Big Jay, our big brother from another mother in New York. We've always said that. I love you, my man. Thank you so much for having me on short notice, too. I appreciate it. Thank you. Absolutely. Truly one of the greats.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Big J. Oakerson, Bill Maher slash Kyle Donegan. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew while we were goofing around. Oh, Ari Matty. Look at that. Wow. Who couldn't make it violently ill in the final minutes before the show? Yeah, he's he's doing he's doing the Lord's work touring the country out there. All these guys are working so hard. We have a massive announcement that is happening right now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I can't even say it right now, but when this episode is out, check out the Kill Tony Show Instagram and our own Instagrams, and you're gonna see what we're announcing, if not right now, then tomorrow. So it's a huge announcement. No. No, I can't announce it now. You're gonna find out with everybody else. This lady's seriously mad. Why the fuck would you fucking do that to us?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I can't believe you did that. God, I can't imagine being your boyfriend. Look at this poor guy. God, what do you go through, sir? Is it really worth it? Oh my God, that's sad. ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix, we thank you. Unbelievable sponsors that keep the whole thing running. Shout out to BonesEye, working overtime kicking out these joke books available at killmerch.com.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
A ton of new unbelievable merch. The new dark Kill Tony hat, which I love, is now for sale. There's a new fucking Kill Tony thermoses. There's a whole bunch of fun shit out there. Killmerch.com. And the tour dates are, yeah, you're going to find out. There you go. Big global announcement coming tomorrow or tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Get your tickets. Fucking amazing. Sells out immediately, so make sure you get it while you can. And... Check out everything Kyle Dunnigan. Follow him on Instagram and all social media. Same with Big J. Check out their specials. See them on tour. Audience, we love you. Thank you for coming to Austin, Texas. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, no doubt about it. What are your pubes like, Hans?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, that's because you have the... It's the keratin. Yeah, and having the dick of a five-month-old. Do you ever decorate it since you can do things with your pubes? Do you ever do, like, haircuts or perhaps, like, a Big Jay Mohawk type of look or, like, spiky? You ever put gel in it?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, incredible. What, uh, you ever, uh, you ever do, like, the chopsticks thing down there or anything? Like a ponytail type of... With my balls, or...? Eh, I don't know. What else is going on in life, Hans?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Either way you slice it, one of your people made it. Either they made it or they dry cleaned it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No doubt about it. You ever meet Kid Rock? Never. How about Kid Walk? Well, Hans, anything else we should know about before letting you go?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, I've never heard of the jumping on the bed part either.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's wild. All right. You guys just talked about it? You didn't do it? No, we didn't have sex on stage. Okay, perfect. All right, Hans. Spoiler alert. I was going to watch. Hans, you got tonight's show started. It has begun, all thanks to you, the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. And now it has begun, and we go to the bucket, which has a mind of its own, ladies and gentlemen. Uh-oh.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, I think I'm Jewish now that you mention it. This is how I find out that I was Jewish all along. Jack, way to get it started. You are... Good job, man. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Time to get to this bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's been on this show before. It's been a long time since we've seen him. Oh, I know what that noise means. The lovely Heidi is here, everyone.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Make some noise for Heidi, live in the flesh. I always love seeing the tourist faces when they actually get to see Heidi. Yep, wow, yep. Don't see those? Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, everyone.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Tequila. It is. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It is the return of Tim Hanlon, everyone. It's been a while. Here's Tim Hanlon.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right, Tim Hamlin. It's nice to get to meet Jack Shaw's comedy retired father. I've been around. You do look like a guy that used to write comedy for game shows. I know his mom. Here you are. Tim, welcome back. It's been a while since we've seen you. Yes. Indeed, Muslims don't drink.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Austin, Texas, who's with us? Make some fucking noise, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, everybody, huh? Yes, very exciting, very exciting stuff. How about another hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody? That is indeed the huevos rancheros side of the room, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. All right. What is your living situation like, Tim?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Don't lock my doors. You have a lot of clothes in your closet. Do you have a lot of choices or is that it?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It works. Tell us what's been happening. Oh, yeah, they do match. A wise observation from John Dees. It is indeed brown. Oh, my God, you are wearing camo pants. What an embarrassing moment for you. Oh, my God, right? We're just lighting up Tim Hamlin. John's like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It is incredible. I can't believe you guys both went with this look tonight. So, Tim, tell us about your process or your career lately. What's been going on in comedy? You started 15 years ago. You came out of Guns Ablaze. It's a good premise that Muslims don't drink. I feel like there was a little bit more there you could have fucking hit. I was waiting. Typical Muslim jokes.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'm waiting for a big boom at the end. Never came, really. It was a...
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They drink. I'm friends with a son of mine. He doesn't drink on, what's the name of their wacky holiday? Ramadan. I'm probably going to get killed for calling it a wacky holiday. There's a thing on my life. What do they call that?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. But, yeah, no, they drank. We went on a fucking bar crawl to celebrate Ari Shaffir's special release a couple weeks ago, and I promise you, Asana Monkout. We all thought it would be a good idea, the six of us. There was a ton of us fucking comedians, Ari, DeRosa, fucking all of us, and we all thought it would be a good idea.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Ari wanted to do a shot and a drink at a bunch of bars on the east side of True Crawl, which I've never really done before, and we fucking did it. And by bar seven, we thought it would be a good idea to all slam into the photo booth at once, one of those old school photo booths. And all we got was a bunch of pictures of Ahsan's head There is proof that Muslims drank. All right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'm shifty, bro. I'm shifty. Tim, you've been on this show multiple times.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
This is fantastic. There you go, absolutely. Tim Hanlon, who's somehow only a second appearance ever. I could swear you've been on more than that. Here's a medium-sized joke book. It'll match your getup.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Make some noise for Tim Hanlon, everybody. There he goes. Little Elon Musk send-off there after a... Jesus Christ. Holy shit. All right, there he goes. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Jusu Vest, perhaps. It's some rough handwriting. Jusu Vest or Vast? Jusu. There he is. Wow, look at this. Jason Vest. Jason Vest, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay, I'm sorry. We'll reset it one more time. The clock, here he is. Make some noise for Jason Vest, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That is Grooveline Horns, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo on the horns. Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Matt, the mutilator, mewling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys, the leader of the band. The great and powerful Dee Madness on bass guitar, everybody. The whole crew is here. Very, very exciting stuff in motion. A very fun episode ahead.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right. Jason Vest. Okay. All right, let's go. This is your first time on the show, correct? Second time. Oh, there you go. I got it. Everything's backwards here tonight.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Did I tell you on that episode that you look like the guy from Ghostbusters 2 that makes Viggo the Barbarian come to life out of the... It is Viggo! It is Viggo! It's an amazing impression. It's Viggo! I've seen Ghostbusters 2 a lot. You have those energies. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, that's exactly what he would say if he was here right now. That's how he would say it. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I cannot picture you fitting into either one of those cities at all.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Incredible. Yeah. I mean, you're used to performing in the back of Ford Escorts. Incredible. What do you do for a living? How do you make money, Jason?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, okay. National Guard recruiter. Did you recruit anybody? Like, you seem like you would be the worst recruit. With a power glove.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Never been beat. Oh, my God. Power glove, man. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Wow, I've never seen a standing ovation from Red. Okay. Jesus Christ.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
While all of that was happening, this guy's so gay that he made another man faint in the front row, by the way. It was the sock. It came off, man.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's our first casualty here today. We're going to see how many audience members can die here tonight.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I love that. I love that. Absolutely incredible. What else would we be surprised to know about you, Jason? You seem like a wild, eclectic character. There's so many things. I bet you collect things. You have a bunch of stuff on your walls at home. Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh my God. Holy shit. Wow. Got you, bro. Oh my God. Yep. Absolutely incredible. I'm a freak. Wow. Four more people just fainted in the audience for those of you keeping track. Jason, I got to ask you, because we're finding out so much so fast. Indeed, you are a freak. What do you think, if we had to go down perhaps the top three freakiest things you've ever done in your entire life?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
When people hear this show, they love when people tell the truth in the interviews and find out real shit. I feel like you just put the sock in your mouth and shook your head. I feel like you're willing to fucking really go for it here. Now, I present to you the top three freakiest things Jason Vest has ever done in his life. Number three.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
So much to put together there. Waffle house. Plenty of fish. Butthole finger. Absolutely incredible. Inserted. Double dirted. Triple skirted. Smothered. Covered. A waffle house bathroom. Wow. Picayune, Mississippi. Picayune, Mississippi. Oh my God. Remind me to never go to Picayune, Mississippi. All right, here we go. Number two, freakiest things Jason Best has ever done.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Leave some time for the crowd to go wild, Jason. Leave some space. Get these laughs. You deserve it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How did I know that this segment was going to work? This is incredible. This guy, like, had this ready. If you would have thought we prepared this, like, okay, I'm going to ask you the three freakiest things you've ever... This segment is unbelievable. I got to hear number one. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold those horses.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, honestly, after shitting on the chest. I only have four questions about number two.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Once before. Once before. At 25. Oh, it's definitely not. Nothing is your first rodeo. I feel like there's nothing that you haven't done. There's no doubt about it. You probably have AIDS. And he probably paid for it. I got to hear what number one is. I got to hear what number one is. Real quick, real quick. I know. I want to know number one, too. You have a question?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, well, Matt Muehling only talks once every six and a half episodes. This should be exciting. Matt Muehling.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Fucking unbelievably great question. I have no idea how I missed that. Unbelievably great question. Yeah. Are you? Were you just imagining it not there?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Do you remember how this shit came out? Was it solid, loggy, wet, runny? I thought it was South Korean soft serve at the time. Wow. But it turns out it was what? Filipino pudding. Yeah. Okay, Red Band, there's your fart sound effect for the episode. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the number one freakiest thing that Jason Best has ever done.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, aka Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are at TonyHinchcliffe.com right now.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
high amount of people was your crackhead uncle. Yeah. He was so fun. He loves you, man. He loved me.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You said he loves you. He do love you. He's still here somewhere. He's still there.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He's looking up at us right now. What? No. He looking down like this. Life is good. The good crack is in hell, buddy. The good crack is in hell. I don't know. Maybe not. We'll have the good crack in heaven. Who knows? I think heaven's more of like a heroin place. It's just more relaxed. I picture crack. D Madness is reacting to this. He's a real musician who's probably done heroin and crack today.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Probably when he just went backstage. A real musician can jam with anybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Just a bunch of unlocked everything. Yeah, really. Just go in anywhere. It's like a video game, like Sim City or something like that. GTA.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. Well, you did the cross eyes to us. You faced us when you did the cross eyes. Okay. There you go. See, you got to do it to them. That's the trick. Yeah. Play it forward.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I can't. I ain't not be knowing. What the hell was that? I don't know no crackheads, nigga.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Cam Patterson. Cam Patterson playing a white guy. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. We've never learned this about you before, that you cannot do a white impression. I can't.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Absolutely incredible. Wow. Well, Cam, so much fun. You fucking did it again. Another monster performance. Another new minute from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Business is booming. We're flying through it here tonight. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Ooh. The great Heidi gracing us with her amazing presence yet again.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eddie Lursa. Make some noise for Eddie Lursa, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Eddie Lursa. A lot of Uber material there. Here we go. Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Third time. Okay. All right. Welcome back, Eddie. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Is that where you're originally from, West Palm, Florida?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How about when you're not writing or doing stand-up? Is there anything you like to do that's a little bit more fun?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay, what's his name? White Claw. Why did you name your dog White Claw? Gay dog, huh? One note red band over here. It's a gay this, a gay that. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Fart noise, fart noise, gay. All right, why is it called White Claw?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That's a great question. I would love to know. Let's say you were doing a 15-minute set. Sure, what does the first 30 seconds look like to you?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, let's do it. His opening bit. Let's pretend like I just brought you up, ladies and gentlemen. This is him doing a 15-minute set, but not really. Make some noise for Eddie Lursa. Make some noise for Eddie, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Where my felon's at. Not only did that answer our question how you open a set, but that also brings me to the most interesting part of the interview. That was fantastic. How are you a felon? Assaulting police officers. Oh, okay. I'm guessing this was in Florida, because that shit don't fly out here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
For sure. Eddie Lursa, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep flying through. You already have a joke book, right? There he goes, Eddie Lursa. Thank you. third or fourth time on the show. Your next comedian goes by the name of Michael Scott. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Michael Scott, everybody. Make some noise for Michael Scott.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh? Look, you guys know me. When I book this show, sometimes it's three guests deep. Sometimes it's two guests. Sometimes it's one guest. Sometimes it's a guest who has done this show a record setting amount of times. And every once in a while, you get to be here. for the very first guest appearance of a comedian.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right. All right, that's all I got. Michael Scott, doing good. Doing good. Some super topical, mystical material. At the height of his career. Some references from 22 years ago or so.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, but you're not talking about that. You're talking about the lyrics to the song. Yeah, I guess. That's what got me thinking. Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Is that the one where it's like a little cube that you stand on, not a stage? It's like a box? I once performed in Bakersfield on a box. Oh. I did. Please. You don't forget gigs like that.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
No, I remember. It was, like, you know, you drove a few hours. It was, like, a couple hundred bucks. This was 15 fucking years ago or whatever. And I got there, and you had to, like, it was, like, high enough to where you literally, there wasn't, like, a staircase or anything. You had to, like, body yourself up and, like, throw a leg over and, like, hey, what's up, everybody?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And just, like, be confident and cool after that. You never forget having to, but you wouldn't have had a fucking chance at this point. You would have been like, oh, I guess I'm standing next to a box for this performance. It was so fucking weird. It was like four and a half feet up in the air. I'm like crawling up this fucking. All right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How long were you able to make it last? Jesus, this bitch from Dallas is losing her mind slowly throughout the show, becoming more and more annoying. Why did you gasp like that, lady? It's okay. You can answer. You want to make noises during the show. These are the repercussions. Why are you making noises about them breaking up? Everybody moving to Dallas. I don't live in Dallas.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Nobody's moving to Dallas. Literally, nobody wants to move where you live. Nobody. Even the people that have to for work don't want to move there. I like Dallas, but nobody's moving there. So, control yourself or else you're going to get embarrassed again like it just happened. All right, let's go back to you. Yes. So... How long were you able to make that relationship work in Austin?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Eight months. Okay. Where do you think it went wrong? Is this a white girl? Yeah. God damn it, I knew it. How did you know? You want to know how I know? You know how Cam couldn't do an impression of a white person? I don't think Michael can do an impression of a black person. I'm a white guy that was raised in an all-black neighborhood. I have a good ear and eye for these things. Michael Scott.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
This is one of those moments you will never forget, for it is indeed this comedian's first time ever joining us, a guest that I have wanted since the show's inception 12 and a half years ago. I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world, his first time in the Kill Tony universe. This is Fluffy Gabriel Iglesias! Yeah!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, we did? This makes sense. I'd imagine so. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you close your eyes, he's a white guy. Everybody close your eyes. Michael, say some nice things.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I say ne'er do well. Okay. No one remembers your last set. Pretend like that never happened. How long ago was that?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, John D is giving you permission to say the N-word. He wants to hear you say it. My nigga, what's up? Shit, I guess I'm allowed to say it now, too.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Michael, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
A woman out there just yelled to dance. Can you dance like a black guy? No. Let's see this. Give me some music here. Come on. Play some mystical, guys. I have a bad knee. I swear to God I can't. I swear to God I have a bad knee. I can't dance right now. I swear to God I tore my Achilles tendon. Come on. Hey. Hey. Oh, there's the lighting change. They want you to say danger. Oh, shit. White guy.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Go white guy. Go white guy. Hey. What do you want? Welcome to white dance party.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You let you dance for those white people. That's what she's. I bet that's exactly what she sounds like, too. What in the world would put you in that conundrum to where white people are asking you to dance for them? My dear, sweet Michael Scott. Your name is whiter than anything about you, by the way.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
We know who he voted for. He's like, I can totally dance like a black guy. Oh, Michael, I love it. So did this white girl break your heart here? Yeah. Yeah, she did. Explain to us kind of how it happened. That's right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You dated a comic? Michael, can you answer the questions? Okay, go ahead.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. It doesn't matter. Can you tell us how she broke your heart? If you will stop talking. Lindsay Tyree. This is an unbelievable interview, Michael. It's ridiculous. We talked about this last time. We talked about this like fucking aunt. Stick to the questions here. You're on my show. Yes. Okay. How did she break your heart?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And did you continue to stay in Port Choices that evening?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And she signed up and stayed? So you guys are kind of like at the bar just like looking at each other like... Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Isn't that amazing? Once you go black, you never go back. But if you go Michael Scott... You can go anywhere.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I just want somebody that can dance. How'd you hurt your knee?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I just cannot for the life of me picture this. Would you do your walkout with the gloves and your glasses still on? No. You hand them to your coach right as you get in the octagon? Really? Yes. You walked out with your, you would be 4-0 right now if your opponent didn't see you walk out with glasses.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Your eyes don't seem that bad with those glasses on. I still think D-Madness would beat the shit out of you right now.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yes, indeed. The one and the only, the great and the powerful, Gabriel Iglesias.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, exactly. And I basically paid the same amount for gas to get me there and back.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Is that connected to that new sushi joint? No. Oh, okay. There's a new all-you-can-eat sushi joint. Oh, Machi Sushi. Unbelievable. So that's not that hotel? No. Oh, okay. How do I know? Oh, yeah. Dude, you're about to be in love. I've gone like three times in the past two weeks. It's brand new. It's rare enough out of a food convo. This is funny, man.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They have a full-size transformer out front, too, for you to like stare at when you're digesting afterwards. Which transformer? Bumblebee or something? It is. It's Bumblebee. Oh, you've been there. Oh, yeah. A man known for his heavy protein intake, Big Mike Michael Gonzalez has been there. He's a Volkswagen. All right. Well, Michael, congratulations. You already have a joke book? Yes, a big one.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
There he goes. Michael Scott, everybody. We're flying through it. Damn, that was a long interview. Yeah. We're getting to know a lot about these people tonight. You didn't know you had a fighter here. He did not look like a fighter.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That is one of those wild situations where you never know who you're talking shit to. Notice I got a lot nicer after he said he's an amateur fighter. Purple belt. Normally, if you see a black guy with a purple belt, he's a pimp. All right. That's a joke I was going to do earlier, but the time passed, but I got it out. That's good. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Yale Riemes.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
We are fresh off of watching pro wrestling together. The Mexicans are even videotaping it. You know this whole thing's being videotaped, right, Fernando? I love it, man. You got all the Mexicans on one side and the black people on one side. That's right. You got to keep them separated.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's like the meow was the punchline at the end of that. That was fucking magical. That was so perfect, dude. This is your first time on this show, right? Yes, yes it is. Welcome, Yale. How do you say that last name? Reams. Reams. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
A lot of these big cities, a lot of cool big cities like Columbus just simply don't have a real scene. So how long have you been here? I moved down here in December. What the fuck was so funny about that? There's some cool big cities that don't have a real comedy scene. Columbus, admittedly, where we have lived.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
uh December I moved down in December you love it already yeah it's fun it's I love the fact that I can do a shitload of sets even if they're shitty open mics I love that I can do a bunch of sets in a night well I'm sure people are recognizing how funny you are very quickly how much material do you think you have that's as good as that minute uh I could probably do 15 to 20 nice have you done that length of a set before yeah okay awesome uh what do you do for work
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Were you able to save some money from those jobs? How are you surviving?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
God bless America. What does she do for work? Engineer. She's a real engineer? A real engineer, yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. Does she have glasses like yours?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I don't know if that's Fernando or Raul that was videotaping. I get them all confused. I just know Carlos is on the sacks, to be honest. I've never memorized which one was the other one. And I've gotten by it so far without anybody knowing. Austin, how are you? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They're not as cool as these ones, though. You've never looked at her eyes before. How long have you been with her? About four years now. And she moved here with you? Yes. So if everything goes on pace, if everyone's girlfriend leaves them after eight months here, so you have about six months left with her. What are you going to do for work then, motherfucker? Fucking DoorDash? No, I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I love it. And you love her. Yeah. Sex life is active. Sure. Yeah. Sounds like it. Hold on. You missed it. There was a soft sure that happened right there.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Because what happened when you got fat? You kind of like, you like to be on bottom more?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Really? Explain to us what that's like. We've never really had this conversation with a guy who's a gold digger that went from skinny to bigger. We've never really gotten to have this before. Yes. when women are gold diggers, they have to stay in shape. Yeah, I know.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, she got fat too. Yeah. Oh, you're in great shape. Yeah, we're fine. We're fine. As long as the woman who you're using for money also gained weight, then you're even Stevens. The only person who loses here is your mattress. Um, So what do you think contributed to you and your girl both getting big?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I don't... When did you notice that you were having problems in the bedroom? Was it immediate? Was it a slow burn? Is there anything that you're doing to overcompensate? Are you having trouble getting erect? Because I will tell you, we are sponsored by Blue Chew. We can make you hard as a rock. Try your first month of Blue Chew free.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. I love Blue Chew. We know. We know you do, Red Band. Red Band does it just to have something to snack on sometimes. This episode is also brought to you by Shopify and Talkspace. I forgot to say that earlier. I was actually supposed to say that. Is there anything that you're doing to help the situation?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Tell us about that. Tell us about your process there. Is there anything that you do? Is there anything that you've learned? Is there an evolution to your pussy eating? Or do you eat pussy the same way you did the first time you ate it?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay. Well, I thought you were only with one woman here. You might need to literally start looking for a job. I thought you meant the first time ever. Okay. Right. Yes. So tell us about your evolution of pussy eating as you've gotten fatter. I like it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You want some? What is this, a nicotine pouch? No, not the nicotine. From our friends over at NYKD? I don't have a problem with cigarettes, man. What's that other? The pill. Where's the pill? Oh, Blue Chew. Yeah. Oh, we don't actually have any on us. We were reading off of the... All right, never mind. I love the party, though. Can I have a tequila and an erection, please?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I got your back, bro. Don't worry. I love it. So again, tell us how you eat pussy. Let's hear about it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Wow. You are just taking the shortcut in every single way. Okay, now the light is on you. Show us how you eat pussy. Look directly out into the audience. Oh, wow. Guys, what does pussy eating music sound like? Yeah, can we get some pussy eating? Can we get a little diddly there? Oh, he's already exhausted, ladies and gentlemen. We're going through the process here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Okay, her thighs are over your shoulders right now. You're doing the hard lean. It must not smell bad for you to stay in the mix like that.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hell yeah. Oh my goodness. He's doing the dolphin, the dolphin move. Wow. He ate her pussy and her ash. He ate her asha. He killed Tony Ashtray. That was incredible. What's the longest you think you've ever eaten your girlfriend's pussy? It's just torture. Oh, look out. My Latino horn players have heard pussy eating enough times. They're jamming over there.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They can only hear the word pussy eating ten times before they just start soloing out over there. Playing some romantic ass shit. Oh, it's getting louder and more powerful. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Well, we're going to have some fun tonight. And this is your first time. So let me tell you, 212 human beings signed up tonight. 2-1-2 is the magic number. They are loaded in a bar across the street. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds on the stage. You know their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. Woo!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that rudely interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. They get to talk to my esteemed panelists, Gabriel and Glacius, get some information and some feedback and some intel on what they could be talking about. It's a live interview. Everything is improvised.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? All right, while we go wrangle our first bucket pool, let's get it started with one of our esteemed Golden Ticket winners. This boy is from Los Angeles, California, and he is in town. One of the most recent Golden Ticket winners on the show.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Ladies and gentlemen, to start the show, this is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket winner, Jack Shaw.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
P P P P P P 19 ac la ac la ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac in Laboratory P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P gi gi gi gi gi gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi, gi
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I mean, it's a paid gig in Palm Springs, right? You've been booked on it for a while. A little bit. Right, so you're fine.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Next time you're in Austin, let us know. I will, yeah. There you go. And happy birthday. Here's a big joke book. Here's some... Thank you, Mr. Funk. Let's E.T. Let's E.T. Give me E.T. Left hand. E.T. E.T. Yeah, wait. Give me that stuff back real quick. I want you to catch it with your left hand. Right hand's no fun. Give me the book back, too. Let's see what happens here. All right.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Here, let's have some fun. Welcome to the Moron Olympics, everybody. Oh, okay. Use your chest on that one. I'm going to put it out there. Hey, very good. Here's some more. Keep pushing. Here we go. Oh, okay. There you go. All right. There you go. Sandy, everybody. All right. We're getting there. Let's get one or two more up here. Make some noise.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Rob Edwards, everybody. Rob Edwards. You guys having fucking fun tonight? Oh, shit. Make some noise for Rob Edwards.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Rob Edwards. I fucking love it. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Absolutely incredible set and amazing that you're here to do it less than 24 hours after you won the AFC Championship yesterday. I mean, one second you're going to the Super Bowl, the next kill Tony. I'm in Raven's gear.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
All right. Well, I mean, okay. It's really applicable for any NFL team.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I need the money. You must have played, I mean, sports even as recently as today, it appears.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
38, 39 inches in the air. Red Band can't even do that in stairs. He's got... I could roll down some stairs, Tom.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Rob, what do you do for... How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I know. It's crazy. It's quite frightening. And it's not even really just homelessness as much as it is like drug addicts and mental illness.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He beat me to it. He beat me to it. You do not steal the catalytic converter of the Lord's will. He beat me to it, for sure. Amazing. So you're a plumber in San Francisco.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How long have you been doing that for? I've been plumbing for like 10 years. What made you get into plumbing? I needed money. Hell yeah. You seem like a guy that's good at laying pipe. A lot of blood in that poop up there, huh? Red Band, our senior retard correspondent. I was like, what? I didn't even hear what he said.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He said a lot of blood in the poop up there, implying that San Francisco has an overwhelming amount of gay men and sickly men. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. He's not wrong at all. Yeah. Hell yeah. What is the worst plumbing situation you've ever had to go through? What is literally the shittiest situation? Ten years of plumbing. I gotta know. Big, tall guy like you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, you mean what I did when I introduced him to the stage tonight? I caught myself. I'm like, all right, make some noise for Rob Edwards. Holy fucking shit!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's just incredible watching you two talk. A veteran plumber talking to a veteran toilet clogger. So we have a connection right here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That's the level that I've seen some people get to. That is the most Mexican thing I've ever heard. I could say it in Spanish and make it more Mexican. Oh, shit. They're about to play a song or something. You keep that up.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, exactly. I love it. I would almost say, you know, my only note for you is... I would put the mic closer to your mouth and kind of like use that bass and that power a little bit more and fucking like drive it home. A red band doesn't understand how timing or beats work. So he thinks I'm making an actual joke over here. No, this is an actual standup note.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Like when you're doing your jokes that you clearly know how to do and write, it's so important that everybody's able to hear you. And so it's a, blatant note. I wish I could give Red Band a note and make him funny, but it's impossible. But I just did for you. He performs once a week at his own show. He performs once a week on his own show and puts himself up right where he wants to go.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Dallas? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. But where's he from? Where was he at? Where do I live? All right. Rob, what kind of girls are you into? Big bootied what?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'll take care of the first part. There's one part I'm positive of. Flat asses do not fly in the world of Rob Edwards.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Absolutely unbelievable. So is there anything you wouldn't fuck? Let's talk about that.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
How about mentally or shape-wise? There was someone that talked about loving midgets earlier.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
What makes a girl crazy to you? What's a situation where you've had with a crazy woman? Tried to cut me. So a Latina. Yeah. She was Puerto Rican. She was Puerto Rican. Can't make it up. We love the Puerto Ricans.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I mean, it is incredible. The one that tried to stab you, that's literally like their thing.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Well, they'll find anything. If it's in the living room, a TV antenna, they will get you with whatever they possibly can find.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He's lying. He's lying. Rob, seven years of standup comedy. Literally, I do believe my favorite set of the night out of the bucket. So thank you so much. Here's a big joke book. Nothing for Rob, huh? Are you in town Thursday?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Jack Shaw. You've been doing Muay Thai? Is that what you call it? Muay Thai? Isn't that what it is? Maybe I'm in the wrong class, dude. You're with cows? Muay Thai? It's Muay Thai.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
What's going on? What are you doing? What do you got this week?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hey, what? That weed is powerful. What did you do to where you have to go to court?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I'm sorry. You're good. No, that was great. Great set. Great interview. Thank you, Rob Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. And with that, we're going to put a ribbon on it right now, ladies and gentlemen. We have come to the time to where... There's only one way to end an episode like this. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And we are very close to finding out whether he will get his citizenship to the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Wow. I mean. Hey, Gabriel. What can you say? This is a superstar right here. I love that you're getting all this. I'm still poor material out of the way before your fucking arena act. I'm still poor, Gabriel.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That is wild. I'm pretty sure he can do it. You guys were on that side of World War II, I do believe. Absolutely. So it's like how black people can say the N-word. I think he can give the Nazi salute because your people... Yes. Do that. Okay. I'm trying to fix the situation. What would you do, Gabriel? Oh, my God. Put this on your next post. We're just going to blur it or something, I guess.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Muay Thai. Okay, all right. Jack is a wild boy. High energy. Do you take anything? Are you on Ritalin or something? Dude, I'm on Prozac. Really? Yeah. And I hug everyone, dude. This is you kind of calm down then.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
No one will ever know. No, it's hilarious. It is kind of wild, right? Autistic people can get away with stuff that blatantly non-autistic people can't. They can get away with it until they acknowledge it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. I've noticed Elon, as much as he jokes around online. Never says he's autistic. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Well, whatever it is. He could buy Estonia, though. Dr. Redband making his diagnosis. It's called the spectrum now.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They have those working lady hands there, huh? Yeah. The exfoliators. Yeah. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That can, like, carry me out of a fire. It's funny to think, it's funny to think that next week there's gonna be some, blatantly, that girl in Asheville is gonna be watching this performance. No, I love her!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's a shame nobody's going to see this because they stopped watching after all the Nazi salutes.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It's true. That is true. Actual comedy fans. I love it, Ari. My God, so funny. Asheville, North Carolina.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
What else? You got a real Texas shirt, making sure you don't get... Yes, Texas, Texas. I love it. Making sure you don't get deported this week. I got to practice my accent, dude. Ice is out to get me. I am from Texas. Texas, Texas, Texas. That's what I say, just like everyone else from Texas. I don't know that he could get deported.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah. They're not really going to kick him out. I'd rather you just send me to Estonia. Anything but Dallas. It's like Asheville without the calluses.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You actually do leave merch. I still have two bottles of Fluffy Cholula. Or Tapatio. Tapatio, and I fucking love it. And I swear to God, I even had to look on the thing because I swear it tastes better than actual Tapatio. You left that here. You left it here at the mothership. You left some in Estonia.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Right now, this is the look of a man that is finding out he has left $9.5 million worth of merch all over the world. Somebody screen grabbed that look he had on his face before. What? I left it here.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
The whole country is fluffy, fluffy, fluffy. You know who else is running around is merch guy up on that balcony right now like, oh, fuck.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You're so rich, dude. You don't even need it, dude. You don't even need it, bro. You could be performing on a box in Bakersfield. You have it so good, dude. What do you need that tapatio for, dude? Look, dude, it's more expensive to fucking... I found out it's more expensive to ship it to the next gig. You're about to hear the most Mexican accounting of your life.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
God, it is so funny to think literally one of the top selling comedians in the world. Like this is like a guy that like Forbes and shit, right? This is like it. And he's finding out he has merch all over the world.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
So you started Prozac and immediately you started stand-up comedy.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Absolutely unbelievable. Make some fucking noise for Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you to Shopify and Talkspace. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in and it is unbelievable. Let's see what Chris Rogers did. It was Cam Patterson. Ladies and gentlemen, I have to ask for a favor. How loud can this place get for his first time on panel? Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Look at that. That's like a Pfizer ad right now that's happening. How much did they pay you for that? Anything I could get, dude. I'll take any money. Okay. All right. Like Anthony Fauci-berg over here. Yeah. Incredible. What were you super afraid of? What were some of the things that you were most afraid of in the world? You seem like you're still afraid of a lot of stuff.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Motherfucking Fluffy. Check out the legend of Fluffy now on Netflix. One of his many, many specials. Shopify Talkspace, thank you all. Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. I love you guys. One more time for the best band in the land, Matt Muehling, John Dees, D Madness, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Big Mike Michael Gonzalez. Thank you. We love you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Watch The Legend of Fluffy if you haven't already and all of his great specials. We love you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Don't ask me no questions about that. You went from Muay Thai to Muay Mexican over here. Jack, how's life been? You've been here in Austin during all the fires. You're based out of L.A. Yep, yep.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh my God, of course. Wow, some Fran Drescher fans out there. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Why do you think his stand-up career never... Because he had you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Damn. Sorry. What happened? Why do you think he went to... Is he still with your mom? Yeah. Okay. So that's stuck.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Dude, I don't... Incredible. And they're both very Jewish as well? Oh, they're extremely Jewish. What do you think, before I let you go, what do you think is the most Jewish thing about your parents? What is it that really stands out to you to where you're like, Jesus, you too.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys can do better. Are you guys ready for a great fucking night or what?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's not good. Gayish, gayish. Canadian Jew moved to America right when healthcare got free. That is crazy. That's against your own grain there. Okay.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It is amazing. You came out talking about how Jew-y you look, and we just had fucking the Jewish prince up here. I look like the meme if I like... Oh, my God, you do. Oh, God. You said it. I didn't. That's the most self-deprecating racist thing I've ever seen in my life. That is incredible. That you really do... Look at that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I love that. I like you, JJ. I like that. The fact that you would lean into something that racist on yourself is incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely. So does the JJ stand for juju? Yes. It is incredible. What do you do? How do you make money? Uh... Kind of this.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So go to Ticketmaster.com, use the passcode KILL2025 for Madison Square Garden tickets. We'll see you in Nashville. We'll see you in London. Tickets for those available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. We'll see you soon.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Slow it down. Everybody pump the brakes. Pump the brakes. A dick shoving machine? Sucking. Sucking. It's shucking.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How do we find this fucking, why don't you have it pinned? What's that? Why don't you have the hit video that made you famous pinned at the top of your Instagram?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
At first, it always hurts a little bit, and then you get used to it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Sir, someone's going to kill you if you keep calling Texans in the front row piglets.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Look at him. You spent just enough time in Canada to forget that guns exist, huh? Incredible. That little guy couldn't hurt anybody. I love it. JJ, what do you do for fun when you're not making content or doing stand-up? I know what he does. Oh, wow. Okay. Sam?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Is this true? Swear to God, man. You're into women lactating? Fuck yeah. But you also, so you, I'm so confused. You're gay. No. Didn't you say that you're gay? I've done gay shit. We're so confused. Red band confirmed that you're gay. You said that you're gay. I mean, if you shave your beard, I mean, we'll figure it out. JJ, stop being a fucking creep and answer the questions.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
God, these gays are so fucking horny. They will literally stop down in the middle of a show like, are you trying to fuck right now? Jesus, JJ, it's very simple. What do you do for fun other than content or comedy?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Let's go back to lactating tits for a second. So when did you figure out that you're into this? How does this happen?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Do the face. Yeah. Have you ever been with a woman while she's lactating?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I love... I love... So you were fucking almost entirely just dudes until 2009? Destroying them, yeah. Wow. Absolutely incredible. He said that with such conviction, I could smell, I could smell shit in the air. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So how do you go from strictly dudes straight to fucking a pair of tits?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow, okay, you again, I was just reminded, you're gay as fuck. Nobody pictures that when they're fucking tits. That's incredibly gay. That is so gay.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, there goes Dee Madness. He's plugged in, by the way. There you go. We got it, we got it, we got you, Dee. Dee Madness always has to pee when someone gets a little too gay on this show. There he goes. Go on, Dee. Fucking go pee, you weirdo. Homophobic musical genius, ladies and gentlemen. But yeah, I do prefer women.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You ever get gay bashed in Canada? Canadians seem like such nice people. No, never. Nothing ever happened, right?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I can see it. I can see it. Do you ever take the milk lactations and try to sell it as milk on the milk market? I'm trying to buy it, dude. Wow. Hear that, ladies? What would you do if I told you that we have an unlimited amount of breast milk in the back and that Like, how much of it do you think you could drink in one sitting?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Where did you meet this guy the other night? He was at Sunset. He did a spot at Sunset the other day. And you guys caught up a little bit, huh? Yeah. Wow. You have the best of both worlds here, because he's a dude that has milky tits. This is your one-stop shop right here. He can also book you for comedy. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What a twist.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What a twist. This is like Kill Tony directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Red band in the end is the gay one. Unbelievable. Absolutely incredible. JJ, I like your style. Where can people find your content and whatnot?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You've been doing it 13 years. You deserve it. Thanks for signing up. Fun interview, fun times. Way to get it. J.J. Lieberman has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Hello, hello. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Look, we all know what speed dating is, right? Well, if you're the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
In other words, if you could meet several interested qualified candidates all at once at a designated time, well... You would. Good news, you can. It's Zip Intro from ZipRecruiter. You can post your job today and start talking to qualified candidates tomorrow. And right now, you can try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony, red band.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So easy indeed. So enjoy the benefits of speed hiring with Zip Intro. Only from Zip Recruiter. Rated the number one hiring site. Ranked by G2. Try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Keltoni. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Keltoni. Zip Intro. Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? You're in the eye of the goddamn storm. The number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Shopify, Blue Chew, Nick, Via, Open Phone, and Takova's Boots. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? Have you ever seen anything like that before? Raul Vallejo.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand, and a brilliant marketing scheme. But an often overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business, making, selling, and for shoppers, buying, simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify, right, Dan?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And the not-so-secret secret with ShopPay. The boost conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going... So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling, on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Because businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. We know this young man. He's lived in Austin for a while.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Make some noise for a new minute from Philip Garcia, everybody. Here comes Philip Garcia.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I am a little confused. Why would she say that the dick and balls go in the water?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, Tony, when you sit down on the toilet... Well, I understand the concept, but I don't understand why she would think that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How's life going, Phillip? Let's talk about it. What's going on with you?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Another employee of Red Band. Look at this. They all slowly get shaped more and more like you the longer they work there.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How long have you been with your Latina girlfriend, fellow?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The plan B thing, is that because you're coming inside of her, Phillip? No. You don't do that?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You think you can get pregnant from coming on sheets? Hopefully not.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, and D-Madness on the bass tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
There he goes. Okay. All right, we're gonna keep it moving. D Madness is back, everybody, wow. Only guy that leaves eight minutes into the show. Really get a lot of bang for my buck with D Madness here. Literally has been gone for half the show, for those of you keeping track. All it takes is one homophobic opener. Can we get D Madness' bass guitar on him?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How about a hand for the amazing squad we have here? Some of the best producers, security people, camera people. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Annie Teicher, everybody. Annie Teicher.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Annie Teicher. Am I saying that right? Teicher. Okay, welcome. Grab that microphone. We're going to talk to you for a second here, Annie. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow, six weeks. What made you want to start six weeks ago?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, here you are. You're in the eye of the storm right now, Annie. Can I say something complimentary?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So, Annie, here we are. All right. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
As always, two of the best guests humanly possible. I mean, an absolute legend. One of them is a front runner for guest of the year 2025. The other is a guy who we have worked with for 18 years and is a comedy store legend. Ladies and gentlemen, if you love this show, you're going to love tonight's guest. Make some fucking noise for Sam Talent and Ian Edwards, everybody.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Two huge announcements. Next week's episode will exclusively be on Netflix. On April 7th, Kill Tony can only be found for the first time ever on Netflix. So go to your Netflix app, set the reminder, set it in your calendars, tell everyone you know. Another huge announcement right now, Madison Square Garden. We are coming back to beautiful New York City August 16th.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, my God. We are going to have some fun here tonight. Sam Talent, an absolute fucking freak machine. His book, Running the Light, is available everywhere right now. No doubt about it. Every single place that books are sold. Sam has a great book. I'm telling you. You podcast fans, you listen to a lot of podcasts. You listen to a lot of things. Read a fucking book.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Kansai Yasuda. Welcome, sir. Hi, Tony. Kansai. Welcome, welcome. Last week we learned about you that you are Japanese. Yes. You live in Canada. Yes. And you almost entirely with all of your spare time eat ramen and have sex with your girlfriend. Yes. Just wanted to catch up the room with what we learned just last week. There's no way you were all here, so I wanted you to know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Read Running the Light by Sam Talent. It's an easy read. It's a lot of fun. It's every comedian that you know's favorite book. It's a book, Mike. It's called a book. It's a book. And he's got a book. No, you read it. You turn the pages, and it stays the same, and you read it. It's $18.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Kansai Yasuda has returned. So Kansai, how's this last week been for you?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Thank you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Kansai. What does Kansai mean in Japanese? Uh, sick tree. A sick tree? Sick tree. Like an unhealthy tree? Oh, like a sick, like Sam, like a... Big fat tree.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Kansai Yasuda. Have you talked to your girlfriend who you left up in Toronto, who you're deeply in love with since winning the golden ticket and caught her up about this amazing week that you've had in Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Yeah. Disownable. That is as Japanese as it gets. So you told your dad that basically you made it, that you got recognized on the biggest show in all of comedy. Yeah. And he was sad about it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Wow. Even more Japanese than any of us could have expected.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Is it very profitable? You just gave it a shout out? Say it again, what is it?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. What does your mom do for a living, Kansai? My mom... Construction business?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Controls the vegetable. When you say she controls the vegetable, I don't know how Japanese supermarkets work. Can you explain to us what you mean by control the vegetable? A single vegetable she's in control of?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's textbook vegetable control, yeah. This girlfriend of yours that works at the ramen shop, I can't remember if I asked you, she's Asian as well?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Half Filipino, half Japanese. Does she do anything odd or anything that stands out to you in which you're like, ah, that's Filipino, that's not Japanese? Is there something that Filipinos do that Japanese people don't do that you kind of notice and you're like, ooh?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely great question. And here we go with a single spotlight. I would like to present to you, this is, with 10 seconds to think about it, the blackest thing about Kansai Yasuda.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, not, let's turn the lights back on. Hold on, Kansai. Okay, one more time, one more time. It doesn't have to be like a physical thing on your body. Okay. Nobody was expecting you to go, I'm a huge Akaka. I mean, like with things that you do or things that you like or hobbies that you have or things that you say or things that you do or something that you've done,
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Make some noise for Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Here, one of the greats. Comedy store legend. I feel like I should have wrote something before I came here. has not written a book, but he does have a new special on YouTube. Follow him on Instagram. His YouTube and Instagram is the same. It's IanEdwardsComic. You guys have both been on the show multiple times.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
We're asking you about your hobbies, anything that you do, behaviors throughout the day. What is the blackest thing about you? And this is the answer from Kansai. Yasuda. I suck my pants. You do sag your pants. It's another physical thing about you. We were going more for, like, a behavior or an action of some kind.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Jabber... There it is. The most Jabberwocky thing about Kansai.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So Kansai, have you asked your girlfriend why she won't let you eat her pussy?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
She doesn't want you to watch it? Yeah. To watch it? Like, look at it or watch it? To look at it, yeah. Why would she not want you to look at it? You've felt it before. Do you think there's a reason why? Is it perhaps, you know, a little bit... Is there a little bit of ramen hanging out of the bowl? You know what I mean? Is there a little... Is it a little... That's possible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely incredible. Kansai Yasuda. I could talk to you absolutely forever. You are one of the easily the most amazing interviews in the history of the show with only two under your belt. Incredible. Thank you very much. That is the second ever appearance by Kansai Yasuda. And back to the bucket we go. How about one more time good and loud for Kansai Yasuda? All right. Back to the bucket.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. He goes by the name of Jimmy Moynihan, everyone. Jimmy Moynihan.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm proud to announce that it is a record. 309 human beings signed up. Yeah. All you gotta do, kids, make your own show. Do it every single Monday for 12 years. Make a big Netflix announcement, and you, too, will be bigger than ever. 309 humans, just absolute crackheads, hoping to get on stage.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What did you do after Willy Wonka gave you The Chocolate Factory? When did you change your name from Charlie to Jimmy Moynihan exactly?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
For rehab? Oh, yeah, great. I knew it, I knew it. Hell yeah. That's where you go.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, so when did you know you hit bottom and had to go to rehab? What was the low point in which you're like, Jesus fucking Christ?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
When I say you hit bottom, I wasn't talking about the sexual position. You were on Grindr just to look for guys with coke? Yeah. You weren't gay at all?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. If you don't get hard, that's how you know you're straight.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But I told my- I'd be friends with that guy too if he sucked my soft cock all the time. Why hang out with somebody that's going to just want to yap your ear off? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you could sit there on your phone, get some work done while just fucking enjoying a soft cock blowjob. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Some real talented comedians from all around the world mixed in here, no doubt, but the odds of us pulling one of them are so low. Absolutely so low. Most likely just a homeless, crazy person.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, that's the life. In Orlando, Florida, the sun's shining, you're just getting your fucking dick sucked, barely able to enjoy it. Yeah. In my parents' house, too. Wow on copious amounts of drugs. This isn't going anywhere. No, no, that's just for here. Nobody ever hears that this is a live show, and then it disappears. We got to get you a different wig next time.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So where were we going here? You knew you hit bottom when you were getting your dick sucked. It was soft. You're doing coke with a guy off Grindr. You became best friends.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's not a terrible rock bottom. But it was at that point in which you're like, I think I need to go to rehab.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Right. Do you have any relapses since then? Yeah, I relapsed two weeks ago. Oh, my goodness. Here in Austin, Texas? Right here in Austin, Texas. On dick or cocaine? Um, on cocaine. Right. So how did that happen? How exactly do you relapse?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
we all know it but we love it that's what the show is absolutely anything can happen they get a minute uninterrupted and then i conduct an absolutely insane improvised interview you know their time is up when you hear that cat 60 seconds is up they get a little more time or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear which rudely interrupts them and then the interview begins the whole thing is chaos and fun hopefully you guys ready to start tonight's show
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Fucking hell, Jesus Christ. So let me ask you this, because you seem like an energetic guy without Adderall.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
No, it's not. It's not a comedy show. You say the truth, and then we will make it funny, Jimmy. Go ahead.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
This is, you take the Adderall, you snort the Adderall, you take two Adderall, and then you add six grams of mushrooms. And then I ate six grams of mushrooms. All at like the same time. At the same time, right after the breakup.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Because I kind of, your bone structure, your eyes, your smile, I got to tell you, I see a little me in you. Yeah, I would love that. Both on Grindr. I see... I can see a correlation. And I don't ever do uppers of any kind. Ever. Ever. I tried once as a kid. I can show you the world, Tony. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe you can get him hard. Yeah, I bet I can. I bet I can.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
If he's anything like me, he's into people that look like him. All right. So let's talk about it. Yeah. Okay. Adderall up your nose, in your mouth, and six fucking grams of mushrooms.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, we're partying now, baby. Let's fucking go. What an episode so far. Let's talk about it. Keep going, Jimmy. The floor is yours.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
While they go wrangle that comedian from next door, we're going to start with a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. One of the juiciest little sweet boys to ever win a golden ticket. Make some noise. This is A Minute Uninterrupted by Jack Shaw.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Keep going with the story, Jimmy. Don't get sidetracked, Jimmy.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Again, don't try to make it funny, Jimmy. Keep going with the story, Jimmy.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I did not. Oh my God. This fucking guy's gonna come home, his dog's dead, his drugs are all gone. Jimmy! Hey, I didn't put my gun over here. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Jimmy, you're a funny guy. We could go on and on. This interview's gone a long time. Jimmy Moynihan has made his Kill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's that easy. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. He's been on this show multiple times before. It's been a while. Make some noise for Mike Eaton, everybody. It's a new minute from Mike Eaton. Where in the world is he? He's in the inside somewhere, we've been told. Where is Mike Eaton? Is he coming? Is that him? He's a big boy. Here he comes all the way from the back.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Here comes Mike Eaton, everybody, representing the inside, even though he is a comedian. This is interesting. You guys having a good time tonight? April 7th. Netflix premiere of Kill Tony. Make sure to mark it in your phones or whatever. Here he is one more time for Mike Eaton, everybody. Mike Eaton.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's been a while. Hello, hello. Yeah, it has. Very funny man. Congratulations.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Yeah. So, Mike, let's talk about it. What have you been up to since the last time you were on this show?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh my God. What goes better with an ice cream sponsorship than a CPAP machine? Isn't that insane? Incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Is the ice cream machine or is the ice cream sponsorship giving you money or just ice cream? Just ice cream, yeah. How much ice cream are you going through now?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What is, it's Mike Eatin' Ice Cream? It's called Eatin' Good. Wow, and it's spelled like your last name with an O. Yeah. Okay. What have you been doing for fun? What else, Mike? Tell us something crazy about your life. So recently I've been taking street Ozempic.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's why he's a frontrunner for guest of the year 2025, ladies and gentlemen. It is incredible.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But also pretty funny. How soon after taking the loader, was it like immediate, the throw up? Yeah. We were in a parking lot.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You gave her the clown horn treatment? Oh. What kind of car is it? Paint the picture for us. Toyota Corolla. Oh, fucking disgusting. Oh, God. Disgusting. Jesus Christ. The story gets grosser and grosser. What year?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, God. Yeah. Now, has she sucked your dick pre-Street Ozempic? Is this the... No.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But see, you really think that perhaps because this was her first time doing that. So she had no, there was no. She couldn't have known that it was going to be that bad.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
have you uh have you perhaps taken a little uh i never have since the street ozembek no i well you know what we're gonna do we're gonna have you blow a load into a shot glass and we're going to have uh let me see here let's have the angry girl with east side bangs do it uh jesus oh yeah nothing has made her smile today it is absolutely incredible i can make you throw up
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right, we gotta keep it moving along. Mike, you already have a big joke book here, right? I do. Mike Eaton, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Some fun interviews today. It's that time that we get around to one of the legends of the show, ladies and gentlemen. This regular is one of the greatest regulars of all time.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
One of the youngest comedians to ever be a regular on this show, and every week writes and performs a brand new minute. This is the anomaly, the one and only, Ladies and gentlemen. Hell, yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The St. Paddy's Day special from Pam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Mama, we made it. We doing it, dog. We got the toilet paper with the bear on it. What were you using before?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Thank you guys so much. There you go. A minute from Jack Shaw. Let's jump right into it, Jack. You were able to get an acting manager? Yeah. Wow. How were you able to do that? Through my comedy manager. What's your comedy manager's name? Matt Sadiqian. Sadiqian? I got a nice Iranian.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
This is your chance to get tickets. for the show. It sells out. It sold out twice last year. And we are starting with August 16th. Tickets go on sale with a special artist presale this Wednesday, April 2nd at 10 a.m. using the promo code KILL2025. And then tickets will be on sale for everybody this Friday, April 4th. But I highly recommend you use the artist presale.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm guessing that's a problem for you. Is he Jewish? Yeah. No. Really? You have a non-Jewish... Someone like you has a non-Jewish... And how about your acting manager? Is that Jewish? Yes. Okay, there you go. Right on schedule.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Game respects game. Yes. Playing with your little dreidel down there. Absolutely adorable.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, all right. So you're really an actor, Jack? I didn't know this about you. Yeah, I've always wanted to act. You've always wanted to act. Have you ever done it before?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Your ex-girlfriend is now your ex-boyfriend. She became a boy. She became a man. Yes. How long ago were you dating her?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How long did you date her for? For like a year. Did you see any manly characteristics in her during that year?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What? There was nothing. There was no... She never tried to wear a strap on or anything like that. No.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Nothing manly at all. She never tried to pick up the tab or open the door for you or support you in any way, no matter what kind of day you were having.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Cam G, here you go. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Cam G, everybody. And it goes on and on. We're having fun here tonight. Oh, look at these two people are about to make out while going in and out of the bathrooms. Hello. Okay, this looks like a fun name, looks like a new name. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ankar Singh. Ankar Singh, here he is.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely incredible. And what'd you do on the commercial?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Jesus fucking Christ, you people. You invited me here. I know, I know, I know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Monkar Singh has reached his maximum time limit. Indeed. Hello. Welcome to the show.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, well, well, well. We finally found our fucking weak point.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And then you go, you have extra skin, you bitch. Yeah, that was it. Okay. Ankar Singh, so what ethnicity are you exactly? A temple of doom?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
We do that sometimes. We invite you people on trains and such. You might know. We take a free ride, dude. I know. So what'd you do on the commercial?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ankar Singh, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Two years in Houston. Yeah. Unbelievable. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. What kind of engineer are you? Aeronautics. Okay. What exactly do you do for aeronautics?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
On car. You've been doing it two years, all of it in Houston. Is that where you're born and raised? Yeah. You're born and raised in Houston. Your father work in oil?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay, that's close. That's fucking close. Yeah, that counts. That is unbelievably close. How about your mom? What does she do?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And what do you like to do for fun on car? Typical Indian stuff?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I've noticed that Indian men tend to only date Indian women. Is that true in your case? Not me, no. I'll date anything but. Wow, anything but?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely unbelievable. Have you been with a black woman?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What kind of, I mean, how do you know it was her and not you?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Absolutely unbelievable. Where did you meet this girl, this black one-night stand? Doing comedy. Oh, okay. She's a comedian as well.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
We did. And is that your only time that you've been with a black woman? Yes, that was the only time. Okay, so tell us more about it. What did you notice being with a black woman that's different than being with a white woman?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Did you use a condom with her? Yes. How long do you think you lasted during that sexual experience? Like 12 or 13 minutes. That's a really exact number. I like that. Very honest. Very honest. If you could teach some of these other people how to answer questions during an interview, that would be amazing. That is a very honest answer.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Almost like you had your own timer going or something like that. Like a bomb of some kind. Ankar.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's Anstar. Yeah, that's a different thing. This is Ankar. Ankar.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I thought maybe there was an actual Nat Sherman that the cigarette was named after. Who knows? They are menthol. Ankar, what are some lifelong goals that you have that you want to accomplish before you die?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Absolutely incredible. Wow. Well, Ankar, welcome to the show. I like your style. Congratulations. Here's a big joke, but there you go. Good work, Ankar. Ankar has been doing it two years. This is a very, very lucky bucket pulled for me because this is one of my favorite, uh, one of my favorite top Young Rising comedians in the world. In an absolute coincidence. This has been happening lately.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
How about other acting things? What else have you done acting-wise, Jack?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
A lot of the good, rock, solid comedians here at the Mothership have been signing up for the show. People that we all know and stuff like that because with the show's popularity growing, this is a place to fucking get seen and... to sell tickets. This guy has been opening up for me on the road lately, an absolute fun hang. We work together throughout the week here at the Mothership.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
One of the first people to move here from LA, one of my favorite humans in the world. So this is a brand new minute from Ahsan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ahsan Ahmad. I love it. Asan, you did it again. All the jokes that I would make about you, I made at the last guy, unfortunately. Temple of Doom, Al-Ala Akbar.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It is. Nine minutes later, at some point, at some point, the whole stage is going to completely collapse, and we'll never forget it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
He's not Hindu. Explain the difference to the mass of white people while you guys are done having your side conversation there. Explain the difference to everybody.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right. Still trying to... All right. Let's go for a fourth time here. What's the difference between the two of you? Explain it to the people that are just American that don't give a fuck about the real difference but are curious to know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And what do they do? It almost seems like a dig. I have no idea.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It almost seems like a dig. Like you're saying they don't have any discipline or anything like that. Like I've noticed this with Jewish people. Like they'll be like, well, our people fucking... Those Jews are... Are you doing that right now? Are you kind of hating on the other type of Indians? No, I'm not. Right, you wouldn't want to hate against them. Because you're Muslim.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ahsan, what else, buddy? What else is going on in this wacky world of yours?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That sounds like fun. That is incredible. I've met your parents before when we were on the road doing San Jose.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
They're nice people. Explain to these people what your parents are like.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Not to be confused with 7'11 or 9'11", which they're also completely responsible. 4'11 is a whole different thing. These people love the 11s. Yeah. Because they look like World Trade Centers. All right.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Totally blew it for that one. Wow. In a dream world, what kind of acting gig would you like to have? Oh, I really want to be in Star Wars. Really? What kind of character do you think you could play in Star Wars?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Walk this way, talk this way. Jamie's got a gun. All right. Little Aerosmith references. I love it, Ahsan. You are so much fun. I always love seeing you, man.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You currently have one of, I never do this to a comedian, And you might not want to. I'm kind of putting you on the spot. But you currently have one of my favorite jokes. Would you mind sharing it with these beautiful people out here? It might not work because I'm putting you on the spot. But it might destroy. I don't know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
God damn it, it worked. Who would have guessed? That is yet another appearance by the great Ahsan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. Ahsan, where can they find you? You have the podcast with Derek Poston.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That is E-H-S-A-N-A-H-M-E-D. M-A-D. M-A-D. That's how good of friends we are. Make some noise one more time for Hasan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. All right. This is what I would consider a perfect episode. Some compelling interviews, a couple light bombings, some returns of some people throughout the show, some great new faces.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Let's get one last bucket pull up here and then put a ribbon on this thing. Make some noise for what has to be the Kill Tony debut or else I would recognize the one word name of Nino, everybody. We're going to meet Nino together here. 60 seconds, then an interview from Nino.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You know, Nino, this has been a hell of an episode, I got to tell you. And I have never done this before in this show's illustrious history. There are some people that have won what's known as the golden ticket, where you can come back anytime you want.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
There's some people in the history of the show that were immediately made regulars, which means you have to write and perform a new minute every single week. Nino, you are the first person... to ever be deported immediately. Shit. Thank you, Tony. We are shipping you to wherever the fuck whatever language you just spoken came from. You do not get to pass go. You do not collect $200.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I don't know if you know this. I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America. Oh. And my connections are so rock solid that there's literally agents waiting for you immediately. These guys are nodding their heads because they know Yoni's giving a thumbs up right now. It is absolutely incredible. You just lost American citizenship live on the show. It is amazing.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Let's talk about you, Nino. How long you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. Where at exactly? All here in Austin. In Austin. Wow. That is amazing to me. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay. Wow. I'm going to put this little joke book down and follow up with some questions. What do you mean you set a homeless person on fire once? You might actually get deported. We are fulfilling the prophecy, ladies and gentlemen. I was kidding, and now it's becoming true.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
A Jewish Jedi. I can't really picture you doing that. Yoda. This is not the price you're looking for. Two for one you will sell me this at.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Nino, sign up again. Do a better minute next time, all right? You got three years under your belt, for the love of God, dude. Speak English. There he goes, Nino, ladies and gentlemen. And with that means that there's only one thing that can end an episode like this. William has taken this episode off. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I know, he needs some time off to prepare for the big upcoming show, but you know, we have a freak of nature here who almost never asks for a week off. This guy has the work ethic of a true American, even though he technically is not yet one, but soon he will be. I guarantee it. We're gonna trade Nino's citizenship in, make him a Mexican again, and this guy will take his place as an American.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I present to you the phenom, the undeniable, the one and the only, this is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matti!
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Running the Light by the great Sam Talbot. Amazing book. With two L's in the middle. Available everywhere. Forward by Doug Stanhope. No doubt about it. That's right.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. Star Wars with you. Juju Banks over here. Or Jar Jar Banks also works.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
There's not even a logo on that shirt. It's a green T-shirt. Yeah, it's like the most St. Patrick's Day shirt to wear any day of the year. I would literally be like, what is it, St. Patrick's Day in Estonia?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'll be there March 29th. Come on. Well, Ari, anything else crazy we should know about before I let you go?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So, Jack, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, what's the name of this hotel? Yeah, what's the parking like?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's when it sold out last year. using the promo code KILL2025 at Ticketmaster.com. Very few tickets left for Nashville this Friday, and we're going to be there Saturday too. I think that's sold out. And London, England, June 7th. These are the episodes of Kill Tony in which you have a chance of getting tickets.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ari, you are a fucking sensation. Thank you so much. I love you. Everybody loves you. I love you, Tony. And we did it again, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Shopify, Bluetooth, Nick, Via, Open Phone, and Tacobas. We are going to London, England at the O2 Arena. There's still some, actually quite a bit of tickets left for night one of Nashville. I don't think people understand that
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Nashville, we added a show. There's a whole arena for sale. Yeah, so you can go see us in an arena in Nashville, Tennessee. And another huge announcement coming, probably will be out by the time you hear this. You know, maybe we're going back to New York, maybe to a specific venue at some point.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in, and it is absolutely incredible, of Sam Talent with Ian Edwards on, like, being beamed up, Sam Talent's an alien. Yeah. Running the Light is available in bookstores everywhere. How about one more time for Sam Talent? Thank you. And hey, real quick, Australia, the UK, I'm coming down there. UK, Australia, come to the shows. That's right.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Check out Ian Edwards' comic on YouTube and Instagram. I'm on tour. I'm going to be at the Honda Center in... The Maverick Center in Salt Lake City. I'm doing stand-up comedy in a couple arenas, ladies and gentlemen, which is absolutely insane for me. I'm going to try to do really, really good. So if you live near there, go to that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right, the show has begun. Jack, thank you so much. It has started with the stylings of Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen, and now we move on to the bucket. Funny material, funny material. Star Wars, we're talking Star Wars. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing better to just scrub the memory of Jack Shaw to your mind than the lovely Heidi, everybody.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And some other venues everywhere. Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun Arena, and some other places. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. Let's check in with the great artist, Chris Rogers, local artist, and it's Ari Matty as a leprechaun, a guy who literally hates St. Patrick's Day. Being represented, that's priceless. That's gonna be for sale after the show, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Love you guys. April 7th, we make our debut on Netflix, ladies and gentlemen. Make sure you watch it. Tell your grandparents to watch it, your parents, your cousins, your children. When you go to your buddy's house, put it on their Netflix, watch it. Sir, sit the fuck down, you creepazoid. Jesus fucking Christ. Watch it everywhere and then watch it again.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Just leave it on in the background sometimes. Put it on and then put it on again. That all counts. And that's it. We love you guys so much. Thank you. God bless America. And God bless planet Earth. You know what I mean? I love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Just the opposite of Jack Shaw, a strong Germanic woman All right, well, this name sounds like it could be one of Jack's agents or managers. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of JJ Lieberman, everybody. JJ Lieberman. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right, JJ Lieberman. A lot of information in a little under a minute. Absolutely incredible. Welcome, JJ. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah, first time. Absolutely. How old are you? I'm 44. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to have some goddamn fun tonight. Let's get it started while they wrangle that first bucket pool. I figure we'll get it started with a bang. I'm just going to say it. I always give this guy a huge intro. I always say one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. I'm going to say it right here, right now for the first time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Very fun set. Very relatable. We've all absolutely been there. We've all tried many different ways to suck our own dicks. A little fun fact, you know, this show's gone a long time. I don't really ever go backwards. I'm not one to reminisce, but Redman did remind me of the time in which he insisted that he could suck his own dick. And he said, yeah, we did it on the show.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I couldn't believe it, ladies and gentlemen. How close were you? Well, a fun fact is he took your second approach. He took the on the shoulders, fuck your own... It's a technique. I did it actually on stage. His hips.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
But I used to be able to touch the tip of it. He wasn't even close, by the way. It was like 17 inches away. I can't. I used to be able to do it, but it was just like, oh. You think you could do it right now? How many of you think Red Band should try it right now?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
How many of you think? This is the biggest moment. This has been the biggest year of his life. Two nights at Madison Square Garden. The LA Forum. The YouTube Theater. Resorts World. Oh, shit. The undeniable co-creator of the Joe Rogan experience. Let me show you how much fatter I am right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, Anthony, get all the cameras ready for this shit. Oh, my God. Again, we're going to need a yardstick to measure. He's cracking his back. He's doing some stretches that he's never done before. There is dust coming out of his loins right now. The man is made of... Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
This is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute. Getting us started tonight with a fucking bang. Make some noise for Martin Phillips. Yes. Here he is, live in the flesh, with an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Martin Phillips, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Dude wipes. The mint ones. He's good at that. He smells better than you would think, and his ass is cleaner than you would think. Ari, how's it going?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I have my own little Robin Hood in my head. Absolutely, a little Estonian Robin Hood. Does Estonia have like, I don't know, fucking like legendary stuff that they've made?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, the comedians are getting wild. They're starting to realize that... Here we go. Okay. Actually, maybe we are one of the more conservative podcasts.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They were smart to pick New Jersey. That's a great point. If that was Texas, we never would have heard that fucking news story. Got him! That would have been the first drone. All right, Ari. You did it again.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Let's go. We're doing the damn thing. Thank you, Kill Tony family. Bye. This show's running fucking long.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
There's only one thing we can really do at this point, because believe it or not, that's as fucking powerful as a comedy show gets. Three and a half hours of insanity, and now you've earned the final level. I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances, the Hall of Famer with the most interviews. Whatever you do, you do not want to leave.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
There's fun stuff happening as I present to you The Round Rock Robin. The H-E-B Wasp. This is the Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. Lights out. Williams.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I couldn't have said it better myself. The red goat. The ginger... giant William Montgomery. It's almost New Year's!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You always go all out for all these big shows. You were dressed up real nice last night. There was an unbelievable outfit tonight, an unbelievable outfit. Is that the New Year's baby?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Last night, you were an Asian woman in a kimono and a hat, as we see up there. You look beautiful looking at yourself right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It's never going to stop. You know what I want to do? I want you to stay up here. I want to bring up all the regulars and all the golden ticket winners, if I can, that were on earlier. And I want to bring up one more person. One of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin, one of the big reasons why I moved to Austin is because I already had friends here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Ron White, Joe Rogan had recently moved here. and one of my longest friends, long-term friends that I've had in Austin, huge comedy fan, and one of the best musicians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring up Austin's own Gary Clark Jr.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And let's get out of here with a fucking rock song. Let's all sing it together. We're still an hour 15 away from midnight, so I figure we'll do a fucking rock and roll song with the man himself, guest of Kill Tony, the man.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Make some fucking noise for Martin Phillips, Liz Splatt, Uncle Lazer, Aaron Belial, Casey Rocket, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Brian Holtzman, Drew Nickens is here, Valerie Vaughn, Andrew Dice Clay, Sarah Sloan, Heidi is here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And in normal tradition, as we go off, we're going to show you the next arena that we're going to. Goes for sale. Here, roll that video, Anthony. We love you. Thank you. Love you guys!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The drawings from Ryan J. Ebel and Chris Rogers are in. Let's see them. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for Gary Clark Jr. John needs Marcus Cake. Welcome to Austin, Texas, the greatest city in the world, in the greatest country. USA! USA! Notorious Productions, Anthony, Brian, TJ, fucking everybody. Austin, Texas, we love you guys so much. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Martin Phillips with exactly one minute. Like a fucking surgeon, as always.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The Roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history. Holy shit. Ever.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, dude. It is incredible. That turtleneck goes great with your turtle legs. Turtle body. Hell yeah. Is there a medallion on that necklace? There might be something in the back. I think it's behind you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Fuck yes. But yeah, I just went with it, so. That is some rock star shit. You were already at Walmart because you're the greeter there, right? Yeah, yeah. Hey, good benefits. Good benefits. I love it. Martin, how's life been going? How are your holidays and whatnot?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I think you may have accidentally kicked a power cord when you were on your way out. Their power's out today in Puerto Rico.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love it. Was it a Puerto Rican woman or was it a dumpster that you fucked?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Did you notice anything different about a Puerto Rican woman than, you know, say, another? IG? Good question, Red. All right, Red Band, very good. I'm sure there's a sound effect you could have hit instead of... Yeah, come on.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Absolutely. Did she have a few drinks in her? Who was walking the straightest by the end of this?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
She's lying. She wasn't Puerto Rican then. Okay. Okay, again, red band. Stick with the... buttons over there. Jesus Christ. Red Bin's comparing every Puerto Rican woman to the hookers that he's been with. How much did she charge you before she left? I love it. Well, Martin, you absolutely crushed. Way to get it started right from the top. Absolutely 100% great sets. The guy bats 1,000.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He's basically the fucking Bill Goldberg of the show. He plays like a champion. He might not walk like one, but he plays like one. Oh, I know what that sound is. That's the lovely Heidi, everybody. The real fucking deal. Oh, my God. I see the Latino guy in the white hoodie crying another tear like he did when The Undertaker came out. Amazing. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And how about a hand for the great Valerie Vaughn, everybody? She joins us at all the arenas. Two legends. Okay, this looks like a very fun name to begin the bucket pool portion of the show. Again, we don't know these people anything can happen, obviously. You guys know how this works. Could be a crazy person.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I will say that in these arenas, there's a crazy ratio of people that absolutely eat shit on stage in an arena. It happens a lot. A lot of people sign up randomly. They've only done it a few times. But who knows? Tonight might be the night that that trend changes and we find stars. You guys ready? Your first comedian, your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of What the Hector.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh boy, that was close. Is that what you were going to talk about? Yeah, I was. That was going to be your set no matter what happened tonight? No matter what, and then he came out.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah. You were close to your wildest dreams coming true there, what the Hector. I saw him backstage. He's tall as hell. I didn't know he was that big, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those guys are big. And you're Mexican. Yeah. Welcome to reality. And I'm wearing boots. I had a little extra, like two, three inches extra on me, you know? Oh, you are wearing, look at those little tiny boots.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
China. Yeah, Red Band, you got Red Band over here mumbling in my left ear. She has really big labias. Chyna had really big labias. Did you know that? Chyna had big labias. I'm like, Red Band, we are doing a show in an arena. You're talking about the woman's pussy who we mentioned for a second. It's the unprofessional shit I have to deal with.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Comedy history! There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago? Yeah! What the fuck is going on? Dean Madness is laughing at me? I mean, wow, you look stunning tonight, Will, yeah.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I sit next to a train wreck every week on this show. Uh, what do you do for work? Um, I help my dad out doing a tire repair and tow truck. Okay. You are indeed Mexican. Yeah. That confirms it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hell yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen out there? Repairing cars on the side of the road in Pecos.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No. What do you mean? James McCann with his iconic no. We don't know what you mean.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wait, stop. Slow down. James McCann is correct. First of all... I stole two cats, all right? Okay, wait. This is getting way out of control. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is the most Latino shit I've ever heard in my life. You stole cats to watch for rats...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, 2025 is going to be different, buddy. You got 20 more days exactly before your tire shop is in Pecos, Mexico. No, I'm kidding. Is your dad a legal citizen? Yeah, he's legal. Is he really? He's really.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow. Can you do a black voice? I can't. I could try. Yeah, try. I like it when people can't and then they try. Know what I'm talking about? What the fuck? Wow. I just found out there's no black people in Pecos, Texas, everyone. That's your black impression? Know what I'm talking about? Hey, I'm a black guy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What's your love life like? You out there burning rubber? Yeah, burning rubber. Because of the tires? Yep.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, they're booing the laws of their state. Well, Hector, congratulations. Have you ever signed up for the show before? My first time was at Skankfest, very recently. I got on there over there. First bucket pool there, too. Oh, you were on there. Okay. Well, congratulations. It was good to see you. What size joke book did you get there?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Well, you know what, buddy? I'm gonna give you a medium-sized one here tonight. Oh, he didn't catch it. Wow. Unbelievable. There he goes. What the Hector, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I don't know if you guys noticed this, but the Mexicans get special music from the Mexican portion of the band when they get played off. A little fun fact, if you haven't noticed.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to get another special treat up here. This is a young lady who you've seen before on this show. She works at the Comedy Mothership. She's been out on the road with me and a bunch of the great comedians, truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. We were all drinking a couple weeks ago, and it just came up that her family was coming into town tonight.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Her parents are here. And I love this young lady. I truly think she is one of the future top best comedians in the world. Let's see what she does tonight. This is a brand new minute from Liz Splat, everyone. Liz Splat. We love Liz. Make some noise for Liz, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you. , , , , , ,, in the. P P P P P P G實 ac , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a a
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Uncle Lazer, everybody. Uncle, uncle, uncle. Look at you. Howdy. How's it going? What is that animal around your neck?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
That's the second husky we've had on stage. Liz Splat was here earlier. Oh, shit. How's your New Year's, Tony? We're having fun. What are you, conducting the fucking interview? No, I just was simply asking a question.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
How's your New Year's going, Lazer? How's your holidays? What does a guy like you do exactly other than crystal meth? Oh, Jesus Christ. The spirit of the wolf.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The best damn band in the land. Jamming extra hard, extra long, arena style for you. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Make some noise for him. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Chicken Enchilada. That's Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Joining us tonight, truly one of the biggest stars in all of music.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I was hoping fucking Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Have you gotten anyone pregnant? Are there any nephew lasers out there? All we can do is pray. Wow, amazing, uncle. So what do you got planned for 2025? You've been touring a lot. You've been working really hard.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you. I couldn't have said it better myself. Until later tonight, in the mirror, like I do every night, I look directly at myself and I say, Tony, you built the fucking culture. No, I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love you, Uncle Lazer. Congratulations. You did it. We're going to keep flying through it. There he goes. Uncle Lazer, which brings us to bucket pool number three. I feel like this is a new name, but we may have seen it before. Oh, my God. How about these lovely ladies and this sausage fest that we've had? We've had nothing but dudes and a chick with a clit the size of half a thumb.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank God for Heidi and Valerie. For those of you out there that are into beautiful women. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Joe Barnholt, everyone. Bucket pool number three is Joe Barnholt. One more time for Joe.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
All right, Joe Barnholt, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Okay. Do you have anything that you would do tonight if you were a 16-year musician?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You need a guitar to do it? I mean, it helps. Okay, do we have that extra guitar somewhere? D-Madness, you see a guitar anywhere back there? Marcus just left. Oh, we got it. Okay, we're gonna give this guy a shot. Oh, yeah. Gives us a chance to look at the lovely Heidi one more time. My goodness. A modern-day Vanna White, if you will.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I think he's going to be recognized as one of the truly the biggest stars in the world. That's Marcus King. He joins us every New Year's here in Austin. We got the rest of the usual band, the great and powerful Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Indeed, the leader of it all, John Dees on the keys. And no doubt about it, let him hear you, it's Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You suck, dude. Fair. Love it. You suck. We're going to get you out of here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Red Bannon for me in the middle of your set that it's a famous Jim Gaffigan joke that whole milk is spicy. You ever seen Jim Gaffigan before?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What size joke book did you get last time you were on? I got a big joke book. You did? Well, you should use it. Joe Barnholz, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to keep it moving fast tonight. We're going to get through it. He's already been on. But in this moment, we shall get yet another legendary golden ticket winner on the show. You know him. You love him.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He got picked up from this show to be on America's Got Talent, which is how backwards the industry is, that they are now finding people for AGT, for Netflix, for everything here on the show that you guys watch every Monday. We find the people. This is the return of Aaron Belial, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. Smart. Started his entrance early. Gives me enough time to fucking kill some time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
While he sets up. Bluetooth. Blue suit. Aaron Belial, everybody. Make some fucking noise for him. Come on.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
doing some fucking next level shit over there, using other voices, making your own clips, writing the bits in other people's voices. That makes fucking sense. That's cool as hell. Awesome. How's it going, Aaron? You dress the part in everything. You look like a politician. Even your arms is crooked as a politician right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you, Aaron. You fucking son of a bitch. You know, you can go out and get some sun sometime, Aaron. You can wobble your ass out to a golf course sometime and maybe drive the cart or something. Maybe you can caddy. Maybe I could use you as a fucking holster. I can't really do the thing. I know. I know. You remember that. Fuck you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
unbelievably exciting stuff in store tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know what's great about this show is sometimes it's the fucking biggest fucking comedians in the world. Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Aaron Belial. That's true. Look at this guy. Unbelievable what's happening here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love you too. I love you. Wow, you're switching voices a lot over there. Do you have a black voice on there?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, he's got one. He's very excited. This motherfucker's got body language in all capital letters. When he's got something, he fucking says, I got something like that. I got that shit. Watch this. He's fucking, look at him typing. Look how fast that thumb flies when you ask for a racist Asian accent. Joe DeRosa. I'm not this fast with a phone.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
My God, you're crazy. What are you, Alec Baldwin with that trigger? I'm talking now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my. I'm talking now. Okay, all right.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, I don't say that. Thank you, Aaron. That's gonna be a fucking, that's gonna be a new conspiracy theory. Just because you're bent like that doesn't mean you have to be retarded. I'm not like you. I don't say the N-word. Shut the fuck up. You've never heard me say the N-word. You've heard me say every other racial slur that there is.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
But you've never heard me say the word, will you keep that fucking thing up? What are you, crazy? No, I can't do it now. It's fucked up. It would have been fucked up. It would have been more racist than me saying the N-word.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No. No, that's not how it works. When you see my hand go this way, that means you turned your fucking volume up.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm a chicken. Okay, Aaron, what the fuck were you going to say three minutes ago? It is no longer relevant. Nothing. Okay, perfect. Everything good? Is this your first New Year's in Austin? I can't remember. Is this your first time in America on a New Year's Eve? What do you guys normally do in Canada for New Year's Eve?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That was me. At a glance, what looking at me makes you think...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No. Homeless people probably target you because they think you're a fucking zombie walking towards them in the dark, just fucking... Yeah. I would target you, too.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Last night we had both of the guests of the year, the newest one, Harlan Williams, last year's winner, Adam Ray. Part of the problem with this show is we make these guys so goddamn famous that everybody has gigs on New Year's Eve nowadays. And a lot of people are sick right now. I don't know what kind of lab leaks they're planning for this inauguration, but...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Aaron Belial. He's pointing at me. That's racist. Okay. He's been out of Canada a while, but not long enough to accuse people of being racist and using slurs that they don't use. It's such a liberal thing. What else is going on, Aaron? Let me type it out first, and then I will tell you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Fuck that bitch. Oh shit. Oh, Anthony, that is just wrong. Anthony, the director, found a girl with a bunch of Botox and did a reaction shot there. That is wrong. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Is that the homeless person on the pizza box, Aaron? Look at that fucking... Oh, my God. Halloween on New Year's Eve. Absolutely incredible. It's a hybrid.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You're on fire, Aaron. You did it again. What else? Anything else? You fucking crushed. You did it. Great interview.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, okay. For those of you that don't know, Joe got his dick sucked by a tranny two skank fests ago. If you're wondering why everybody keeps saying that Joe loves trannies.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Well, Aaron, you were great. You did it again. I love you. We love you. The people love you. Aaron Belial. Wobbling his way to the mountaintop every step of the way. And indeed, this is bucket pool number four. We're about to go back-to-back bucket pools. Your first one here, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Vik Shivdasani. Vik Shivdasani is the fourth bucket pool. You guys having fun out there?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Make some fucking noise. Oh, shit. This is a fucking wild episode. Make some noise for Vik Shivdasani.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
The best part of this show is that I believe that we truly have a reputation for putting people on panel that are the future before they even get as big as they're going to get. They are here always, and then you watch them become superstars internationally. and everywhere streaming and this and that. And this is the type of booking that I chose for tonight.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We're going to save you from the Undertaker coming out here. Stop. That would be just so depressing if the Undertaker threw you in the middle of the fucking arena right now. This is crazy. The balls on these handicapped people that keep running the time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He also thought that the floor would hit harder from the third story. So your third story apartment, what happened exactly?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
22 years old. Man, that is just a ripe time to drink too much. How much do you think you had to drink that night?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
There you go. Okay, so you're back at an after party, third floor apartment, and what happens?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Your father drove the cab. My uncle. There you go. Okay, so you took cabs. I can't imagine how that applies to the story, but now you're back at the apartment.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Unbelievable comedic timing by RedBan on the shot, shot, shots. Again, that's about 40 seconds after he said 12 drinks. But great. We're getting to the climax of the story. Hey, keep going. Maybe you'll fall off a fucking third story balcony.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You're leaning over the balcony at the most unbelievable time for a very loud noise. Go ahead, Vic.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
This is unbelievable. This is incredible. I love how silent this arena can get. You're welcome. The story in which I feel like everybody's thinking like, oh, fuck, that could have been me when I was 22. It certainly could have been us.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
So nobody noticed that you had fallen off. You kind of woke up and came to. You have a bloody nose. Could you feel your legs or anything?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow, if you would have landed on the sprinkler, you would have been the best smelling Indian man that any of us saw.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow. And how old are you now? I'm 40. Okay, what do you do for a living? I am actually... You make street food. With your hands, you make sure your hands get into everything, and they touch your feet and shit sometimes. That's what you people do. Every single one of you. Except for the cool Vivek guy. He seems clean and nice. Okay, all right. Okay, again, that has nothing to do with anything.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I said, let's fucking go Renegade style. Our last show of the year in Austin, Texas. I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year. So, I'd like you to get as loud as you can for tonight's guests, two of the funniest comedians in the world.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No shit. What's your love life like? Can your dick get hard? Um... It's what everybody wants to know. It's true. It's true.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hard as I rock. You are Indian? I am Indian. Are your parents, like, strict Indians or whatever? They wanted you to be an engineer? Accountant. Oh, an accountant. Well, they can count on you never walking again. Do you get to see them a lot? Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Do you have anything fun that you do in your wheelchair? You play wheelchair basketball? I play wheelchair basketball.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
That's incredible. I love it. Wrecker is a weird name for a basketball team in wheelchairs because that's how a lot of them get in the wheelchairs.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It is. It's like women with big natural tits running into a woman with big fake tits.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Ah. That makes sense. I get it now. Yes. Wow. Damn, I would have thought it would be the other way. I would have thought that the people born without the ability to walk would be like, you know, fuck you, at least you had a chance or whatever. I wouldn't have fallen off a balcony or whatever. I can't even see over the fucking bar to get 12 drinks in the first place.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Like, I think they would have a lot of built-up inner anger. Do you have a girlfriend or a wife? No, I don't. Okay, you go dating a lot? Here and there. I get lucky sometimes. Okay. Yeah, you seem like a good-looking, likable guy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm from South Texas, but I moved here in the summer. Okay. Have you kissed a girl in Austin since living here? I have not. Whoa!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Well, my dear friend, Vik, V-I-K, it just so turns out that we have the best fan base here in the world. Is there a beautiful Austin woman out there that's willing to come up here and give Vik a big kiss? Anyone? Is there a woman? There's a bunch of dudes raising their fucking hands for some reason. Is that one right there with the glasses? Yeah. Yeah. You with the glasses. Is that you? Oh, shit.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Look at this one. Look at that, Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss. This looks like a real Austin woman. Misplaced tattoos. Keep coming. Keep walking, lady.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It's happening, Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss from what appears to be Uncle Lazer's aunt. This is incredible. She has a bunch of tattoos. This is a real Austin girl, Vic. Let's go. You play for the Wreckers. She looks like she plays for the Home Wreckers. This is very exciting. Oh, shit. Here she is. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, yeah. That's fucking fun. Here you go. Here's a big joke book, you crazy slut. Fuck yeah, absolutely.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
This is crazy. I'm being told, I'm being told from the great director that we might have a slow motion replay of that kiss. Wow. Look at the tongue action happening here. He could take away your legs, but he could not take that mouth away. Dear God. That is an aggressive, you guys are both nasty fucks. You guys are fucking tonight for sure.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Except your whole family's actually gonna notice that right when it happens. They're not gonna leave you. You might end up waking up next to a sprinkler again, Vic. You're gonna have a hell of a night ahead of you. They might have to rename this place the H-E-E-B Center after what... All right. There's a big joke book. First guy to catch it tonight. How about that?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Wow, just insulting some of the greats. Okay, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belial are about to officially jump you when you get off stage. They have the ability to put a... They're about to put a fucking stick in your spokes of your wheels. Bucket pool number five. It is that time, ladies and gentlemen. Straight to another bucket full. Make some noise for her.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
On panel, on New Year's Eve, in a fucking arena. One's a little Australian swordsmith now living his dreams.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brittany Ogata. Brittany Ogata. Here we go. Brittany Ogata. One more time for Brittany, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
All right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to save you again. We're saving people tonight. Oh, nice. There it is. Oh, boy. You came out guns a-blazin' with an excuse. Don't know how I'm going to follow that. And I knew right then and there that you were going to fucking suck. It's okay, though.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Fuck yeah, welcome James. I'm going to jump right into it. Yes! Thank you for having me. And your other guest tonight, he was with us at Madison Square Garden. Truly a brother who I have fucking... you know, just done everything with over the past 18 years. I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel, one of the funniest humans in the world.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, it's okay. That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say and look like. I had some laughters. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up, Brittany? This is my first time. What made you want to sign up tonight? Okay, got him back on your side. Joe DeRosa comes running back because he thinks you're trans.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your first time doing stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
People are begging for The Undertaker to come out and beat the shit out of a woman. This is absolutely incredible. I hope he does. This is incredible. I've never seen anything. I did not think this is how the show would go. Okay. How long have you been with your husband?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Are you guys booing this because you think I'm going to bring up the husband? Why are you booing her husband? I'm confused. What were you doing to the comedians during the show?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband? I keep saying The Undertaker. I'm not bringing up The Undertaker. It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up and bombed.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
People really want to see it, though. This is incredible. Okay, I'm going to save you. I'm going to save everybody right now. Is there any hilarious thing about you? There you go. That's her time. This is a very, very, very... Good on you! This is the smallest joke book I could find. There she goes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Joe DeRosa, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
A veteran of the show, multiple-time guest, very funny man. Him and I make fun of each other a lot. We go back and forth, two of my favorite drinking buddies.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yes. Shane is sick. Uh... Um, RFK Jr. even has COVID. You can't make it up. The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Jr., somehow has COVID.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Look, we're going to have a hilarious episode. I have so many surprises wired in. You guys are two of the funniest. Who needs fame when you got funny?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They don't do that in Australia. They don't have a chair in the bedroom just in case you want to... It doesn't always point directly at the bed. It's like a... It's a chair where you're supposed to like, I don't know, take your shoes off. Watch your wife get fucked by another man.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What's an Australian thing that's in a bedroom that's not in an American bedroom?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Tim, what's the craziest thing we'd be surprised to know about you that, uh, since the last time you've been on this show a couple years ago?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Let's sit down and have a conversation, my friend. Welcome to another episode of Whoa DeRosa. Let's talk about it. Take us through the evening. Nice and slow. Don't just go straight to like the, so she's coming down the back of my throat. Like, where did you see her? Where did you meet her? Take it nice and easy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
So you and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
By the way, I just want to take a moment. About 20 seconds ago, there was a guy on the final thing when I said, so you and your girl had a girl with a dick come over and some guy over there goes, gay. Like, it's like, where have you been the last seven minutes, sir? Did you just wake up? Is that Vic landing from the third floor again? He's like, gay. What's a sprinkler doing next to me?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Right. Okay, so the woman comes over, you throw a con, you guys just get right to it, is there any small talk? There's drug use. Okay, what kind of drugs? Coke is what I was on. Okay, and the hooker, the trans hooker did coke as well?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And it's true. James McCann was one of the only comedians to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally when Johnny Knoxville and Donnell Rawlings ran for the hills and said they can't do it. No, they're great. You can't blame them. Those guys expect to make more movies in the future. Nobody knew which direction the election was going at that time. I don't blame them.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah. That's incredible. You're a wheelchair away from being Lieutenant Dan. Okay, so the hooker comes over. You and your girlfriend do drugs. The hooker refuses your drugs, starts slowly putting on a condom. No, they hang out.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, just an unlocked thing that I know I like now that I can't... A lot of guys are sobering up out there, realizing that this guy's out there sucking cocks and that they don't like that. How much money did you make, though?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Is the clip findable somewhere? No. Oh, okay. Red Band was trying. I wanted to help. Can you go backwards on Chatterbait Red Band? You know. You already have a joke book? No. Here you go. Fuck my dick! Well, no, that's another person's job. There goes Tim Hill, everybody. Oh, boy. This place is about to go crazy again. Uh-oh.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Another person who wasn't here last night who just got into town today is yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. A guy absolutely, I believe, second place for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, a roast god.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I can't believe you know what a tomato is. That's a vegetable with nutrients in it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
God damn it. You are on fire already. A little bit. Look at you. You look like somebody's fucking teddy bear ate everything.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Before I was a blatant Republican, the only elephant that supported me was you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Have you not tried Ozempic? Are you allergic to it or something? What's going on? You haven't tried it? You know there's an easy way around this now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
He wouldn't stop these fucking New Yorkers over here. Are you sure you're okay? The news says you're not okay. MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now. I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette. Shut the fuck up. I'm fine. But we're having fun tonight. Truly two of my favorite humans. We're gonna have a blast, I promise you. I'm gonna pre-pool a name.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
If David lived in a glass house, he wouldn't be able to lean against any of the walls.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
David Lucas is only here because when he heard H-E-B Center, he thought he was going to the best grocery store ever.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm going to send a kangaroo to beat your ass. This is incredible. You really get groceries delivered? Yeah. Are they done drive-by style? What do you order, Tony? You know me, sausage right up my ass. Organic. As long as it's organic. Hell yeah. No condom. So, David, how's life been going? You've been on the road. You've been traveling around. Yes, sir.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You're a fucking monster. An absolute beast. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Make some fucking noise for the great and powerful David Lucas. You might as well... My man. One more time for David, everybody. Again, Hall of Famer, legend. And speaking of legends, let's just go back-to-back chaos before we get back to this bucket. You guys want back-to-back chaos?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You guys know how this show works. Yeah, the bucket is what makes it. We could find the next star here. Anything can happen. You know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Or else they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry... Wait a second. Wait a second.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I present to you, here to grace us with his presence, it's unbelievable. Just like The Undertaker being here, this is so surreal for a fucking young punk like myself that fucking started when I was younger thinking, who knows where this can go.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Here to do an appearance on this show, ladies and gentlemen, the first comedian to ever sell out an arena, one of the greatest of all time, I present to you, this is indeed the return of Andrew Dice Clay!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You are in it. The vortex of fucking chaos that is Kill Tony in its hometown in an arena.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You guys having fucking fun tonight or what? We're going back to the bucket. Somebody has to follow the first comedian that ever did an arena straight out of a bucket. Could be you. One minute uninterrupted to the seventh bucket pool of the night that goes by the name of Cameron Altman, everybody. Cameron Altman. Make some noise for Cameron, everybody.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Okay, I'm going to save you immediately, Cameron. Cameron Altman, welcome, welcome. How are you? Doing well, Tony. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Okay, all of it here in Austin? No, in Denver, actually. Okay, well, welcome from Denver. Is that where you're originally from? No, I'm originally from Oklahoma. For those of you listening, there is nothing this guy can do more to be hated by this audience. I'm trying my best. No, Oklahoma sucks. It's a bunch of pedophiles. You're doing a good job. Keep trying. Cameron, take a step forward.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They hate Oklahoma. Do they like touching children? No. What do ghosts say? Okay, Red Band, thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It is, especially when you don't have material and your eyes are closer than Clinton and Epstein.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Traumatic brain injury at two. My brother threw a rock at my head. Oh, my God. All right, the crowd isn't having it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Calling for a slow-mo replay of that book hitting him. I'm wondering how long it'll take. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Where's it at here? Here it's going to come. Oh, Jesus Christ. Give it to me one more time, Anthony. It's just too good. Oh, look at this. We happen to have the production team from the UFC here. Oh, yeah, right. Oh, my God. Wow. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I mean, his fingers weren't even close. The throat is incredibly accurate, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and look at the reaction time. That is a true traumatic brain injury. He blinks seconds after it hits him. Oh, and he tried to catch the rebound. Not even close. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be the first arena show ever to watch the cause of a suicide happen in real time.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm going to change the tone of this room yet again, everybody. Don't worry, you booing people. This is a very emotional audience. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a freak of nature that makes writing and performing a new minute look like a casual fucking putting butter on your toast in the morning.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I present to you one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everyone.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Austin's own The Undertaker, Mark Calloway. The Six Feet Under podcast, which I've done. Make some goddamn noise for the great, the powerful. What a surreal moment this is. You comedians better stick to your fucking time tonight. I'm warning you right now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
They also never seen a black person in Boston. Yeah. They're like, here you go, black man. We're gonna teach you some tricks. It's a water cup. We have a replay of it. Let's see the replay of your, what you consider your lowest moment in comedy history. Very proud right there.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I love it. I haven't seen you since WrestleMania. You're the fucking man. This is a childhood dream. For those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows, The Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the Bucket of Destiny for as long as we can remember. So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size, real actual Undertaker here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Tony Hinchcliffe, don't sell that man short right there. Thank you so much. It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight. Super surreal fucking moment. I think for everybody, I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face when you came out. There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s. I love it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
We shocked the world with this one. 60 seconds, right? That's all they get? That's all they get. Or else I'm pretty sure you throw them back to where they came from. I'm right here.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Make some noise for the fucking Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen. Keeping everybody in line tonight. You can't make this shit up. God damn it. Look how cool this is. You got a nerd boner, don't you? I'm telling you. I have to host a show while living my own Make-A-Wish. This is incredible. God damn, what a cool show this is. Who came up with this idea?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Holtzman, everybody. A legendary set. Make some noise for him, everybody. The great, the powerful Brian Holtzman is back. Let's go back to back chaos. You guys like back to back chaos? Let's do it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I present to you another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a man who needs no introduction at all, but I'm giving it to him anyway in the way of saying that this man will indeed be a citizen of the United States of America.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Bill Rhodes. Welcome, Bill. How are you? You just confessed to a lot of half-crimes there. Yes, sir. So what did you do?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So what exactly did you say that got you in trouble? Did they see your nipple piercings through your shirt?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Thank you, Mr. President. Unbelievable. Looks like you've had a few football fields worth of fruit. That's funny. Some of my old football players are actually out here somewhere tonight. When you say old football players, what exactly do you mean?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
My son and some of his former... Were you really a coach or is it like the... Are you just saying you're a coach like the... Wow. Yeah, Tim Walsh. I forgot his name and I love that I already forgot that guy's name. Tim Waltz said that he was a football coach. Turns out he wasn't.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What exactly made you want to get your nipples pierced? Midlife crisis, I don't know. How long have you had those through your nips? About maybe a year. Wow. Who made you do it? Was it when you got fired from being a teacher because of being on Kill Tony? Yeah. Really?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. What a white trash-off you and your daughter were having there. What's your daughter's OnlyFans? Red Band. Hey, hey, hey, come on. Come on, Red Band. You can't ask what is your daughter's OnlyFans. Send me the link. Call me in two years. Okay, very good.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, you can keep it. So what are you doing for work nowadays, Bill Rhodes?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I love it. I love it. And what else has been going on? How do you fill the daytime that you used to spend in schools? Are you still on that same sleep schedule now that you're no longer a teacher and a full-time comedian?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So when you came home with nipple piercings, was your wife excited about it? Yeah, she's into it. Did she suck on them?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Matt Muehling, also on the electric. John Dees on the keys. And that is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. Holy moly. How exciting is this? How many of you traveled to be here in Austin, Texas today? You know, everybody says it. Everybody says it, but I really mean it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Look at that. I thought he was going to say he graduated high school three months ago. It would have all made sense.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That is quite the flap. Have you ever tried to stick anything fun back there?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know what? Just for that, you're getting a big joke book. Thank you, Tony. There he goes, Bill Rhodes, the first bucket pool of the night. And like that, it has begun.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We're gonna go back to the bucket in just a second. But before we do, we have the return of an old character on this show. Someone that we haven't seen in a very, very long time. Because this young buck, who's gonna do a new minute, put his golden ticket on the line a year ago versus Hans Kim and lost in a best out of three super tournament minute by minute competition.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is the long-awaited return of former golden ticket holder, Rick Diaz.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We have the best damn fans in the world, true fans of real comedy, the backbone of free speech here in the greatest country on planet Earth. Isn't it amazing that we could get together to hear some filthy fucking chaos on a Monday night, sold-out arena, Second annual sold-out arena the night before New Year's Eve. I'm fucking pumped. You guys know how it works.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's been a long time, Rick. How's it going? It's been a long time, sir. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you. You look exactly the same, just as thin and malleable as ever. I am beautiful, breakable piece of human flesh. I am very brittle. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
President Biden, what do you think about America's current gun laws?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay, sure. Read the letter. All right. It's definitely nothing I've never fucking heard before.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Before we get it started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Tonight's episode is brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. We love them, our longest-standing sponsors here in Austin, Texas. They're somewhere in one of the suites. Shout-out to Jonathan and all of our great friends over there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's actually true. I seem it from far away. Then you get to know me. Yeah. And I'm not at all.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Is it worth it? It's pretty worth it. Okay. Rick Diaz, finishing the letter any second now.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Screw that law firm. Exactly. You almost had a bunch of stupid liberal lawyers.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, Rick, you did it. You made your return. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Diaz. I appreciate you. Back to the bucket we go.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And they are having a special deal at the Yellow Rose tonight. If you show them your ticket stub from tonight, no cover charge at the Yellow Rose. How cool is that? So, laughter. fat tits in your face, you get it all. What's better than that? I get that every time I sit next to Red Band. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what, huh?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right. Your next bucket pool. Bucket pool number two goes by the name. Oh, there's the great Valerie Vaughn. Heidi with some drinks. You gotta love it. These ladies have been with us through many arenas. Now, how about another hand for Heidi and Valerie, huh? All right, your next bucket poll, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Thomas E. Miller. Thomas E. Miller, everybody. And here we go.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I, uh... Hold on a second, Thomas. Guys, I forgot to say this earlier. Save your booze until the end of the set. Keep going, Thomas.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I guess we sent you out in the wrong order, so. Are you okay? Man.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So Jacob, let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? You can probably guess this is my first time. Okay. What did you try to talk about tonight? What was the goal? The goal... Right into the tip of the microphone. Okay.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What made you want to start stand-up comedy tonight in an arena, not having a joke, a story, any hobbies, or anything about you in the world? What made you choose, like, I'm going to go up there and I'm going to not show them? Yeah. Yeah. Why do you, like, come up with this idea of, like, maybe if I go up there and do everything backwards, this will be great for everybody?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, tonight we have three guests, ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna bring them out one by one. Does that sound like fun or what? Your first guest has this year taken the show over by goddamn storm, instantly becoming one of our favorite guests in the entire show's history. Make some goddamn noise.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know him from a lot of your favorite movies, his podcast, and the unbelievable appearances on Kill Tony. Make some noise for the great Harlan Williams. Do you want to say something?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
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KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Let's go. Harlan Williams, your second guest. is not only a Hall of Famer on this show, not only, I mean, he's just taken over the entire industry this year of comedy, but he is still, as of this day, the current reigning President of the United States of America. This is Joe Biden!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Get up there, baby. Oh, here we go. President Joe Biden. We've seen this before, folks.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Uh-oh. Here we are, the second time. Biden versus Spivak. The drones.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. There's something there. There's something behind these crazy eyes.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. I gotta tell you, this is one of my favorite book tosses in the history of the show that's about to happen right now. Very rarely do I get to warn people how exciting this is about to be.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay. So the great people over at PrizePix, we have found out, have set the over-under. The odds of him catching this are... plus 3,500. Throw it that way. I am an unbelievably accurate, a famously accurate joke book thrower, and now I will hit the chest of Deepak. Stay right there. You ready?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No fucking chance. Right off D Madness' elbow. There he goes, Deepak Sahota. Later, Deepak. Legally blind. That was fun. We have a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. And this is a very, very special golden ticket winner. You know this young lady very well. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. First time in an arena from Nashville, Tennessee.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is Fiona Cauley, everybody. Make some noise for Fiona, everyone! Baby Girls First Arena!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, Marlon, you gotta wait. This is the part. One more time, everybody, for Fiona Cauley, everyone!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Fiona Cawley. Her condition continues to progress just like her comedy. Both are accelerating at a great rate. How is your thing going? You look great. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's so, so, so stupid. Ultra ribbed. I want barbecue sauce. I love ribs. What the fuck?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Hell yeah. You got new wheels. What's the difference between that chair and the old chair? You got a cup holder there?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Whoa! Those knees are holding strong. Someone's been chilling on beaches. I'm on NAD, CBD, and HPV. Joe Biden has arrived.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So Fiona, what is the update on this new wheelchair? What's your max speed on that thing?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's a shame it's slower. If it was faster than your old one, I'd say you could stage dive here tonight, but there's a bit of a barrier there between you and the audience.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, no, it's okay. I know how that'll go. That'll be a sad fall right off the front. Have you ever sat on the joystick of that wheelchair? Oh, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, Brian. Stick to... I took the blow to that one. Hurling through it. Thank you. Thank you so much. Nope. Don't. Nope. Don't. No, that's okay. Just put it down. Nope. Don't. Put it the fuck down. Put it... Nope. Don't do that. There you go. Great stuff. Physical comedy during a podcast. That's a disgusting question, by the way. Have you ever sat on the joystick of your wheelchair? Okay.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That's why they call it a joystick. That's true. That is true. Anything else crazy going on, Fiona?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Whoa, how is that even possible? It seems like out of all the people that will not get a concussion, it should be you. Someone stable, in a chair, that probably gets laid down softly into a bed at night.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
One more guest, Austin legend. a man who I can't even believe was able to fit it in his schedule, probably one of the busiest human beings on planet Earth, one of our favorite comedians, the legend who got this whole Austin, Texas shit started. It is Joe Rogan! The shit is about to go down three legends of the panel of this show.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Fiona, you're absolutely crushing it. Tomorrow night, we announce where the next arena stop for Kill Tony will be historically on night two. We always announce it. And tomorrow night on New Year's Eve, we will announce where the next huge arena show is.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I'd like to be the first to tell you that it is going to be the highest attendance in the history of Kill Tony and that you will be on that show. Wow. You will catch her there. You'll find out where tomorrow night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time as loud as you can for Fiona Cauley. Great job, Fiona. Great job. Wow. They're coming. Grab the mic. Oh, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Come on, Red Band. Red Band, you don't have to make that noise. Back to the bucket we go, everybody. We're gonna meet this person all together. Even though the name kinda looks familiar, let's see what happens here. 60 seconds going to Chuli Joy. Chuli Joy, everyone. Here we go. The comedy stylings of Chuli Joy.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right, there it is, truly joy. Julie, you've been on this show before, right? Yeah, the Skankfest episode, sorry. Okay, yeah, good to see you again. I remember that head anywhere. Yeah. It's wide. Pretty big. Yep, that is your identity. Is it? Yep.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What was the second one? Cuban and what? Puerto Rican. Oh, wow. What a mix, right? Yeah. I mean, time to take out the trash. You know what I'm saying? Damn, that's a zinger. You can get the time to take out the trash merchandise on your way out, everybody. It's brand new. Catchphrase. It's time to take out the trash. Uh, so how did you feel when, um, cause that was after skank fest.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was in the news for calling half of your bloodlines original Island garbage because there's a garbage problem and a garbage patch.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Did you try to explain to your Puerto Rican family that I wasn't calling the people garbage? Did you try to explain the joke at all?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Look at you now. What do you think they're going to say about this?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Julie, what else? Tell us something crazy about your life that we didn't learn last time you were on.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right. Did you get a little joke book last time you were here? I didn't get any joke book. You didn't? No. Well, guess what? You're getting a little one here today. There he goes. Chuli Joy, everybody. Thanks, guys. This guy. High as shit.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian looks high, but he's not. This is a legend of the show. Kill Tony, Hall of Famer. This, if you know the words, sing along. This is Hans Kemp. A brand new minute. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We're all here Doesn't get much better than this on a fucking Monday night. I We have a bucket filled with hundreds of names. The comedians are all around us somewhere. I don't know if there's a section. There they are back there. I'm gonna pre-pull a name. You guys know how this works. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Play-by-play analysis of your performance. Fun. I had a lot of fun. You're lucky that people from Ohio all speak English and have a good sense of humor.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Whoa, nobody said that. Jesus Christ. Hans, you're going to get me in trouble over here. So how's life been going? What's going on?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. Oh, my God, Hans, that is not cool. Did anyone tell you how old they thought the deer was? Did they analyze the size of it?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That is true. A lot of pandemic-themed jokes. They are trying to say that there's a new pandemic happening right now. England said to stay at home. Bird flu, they're calling it. I believe this one comes from There it is.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's like a dog that fell over. It's like the baby deer that you shot. How old was this deer? I know that you went with somebody that probably has some hunting experience, and they were like, oh, fuck, this isn't right. I want to know exactly how terrible of a deed you did.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And I think we have a West Hollywood bear. There he is. It's Drew Nickens tonight, everybody. That's the real Drew Nickens. How about a hand for Drew, everyone?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I'm going to check in with our senior hunting correspondent, Joe Rogan, here.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Jesus Christ. That is correct. Well, Hans, you did it again. Another great minute, and you, as always, made us feel super awkward and weird during your interview part, but it's always full of insane information. Out there shooting baby deers, having sideways sex. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I have a feeling someone's about to get an ultra-ripped condom rubbed into his eyes, everybody. No, I want to help this kid. Here he is. Wow, look at that. Backstage cameras, the great Notorious Productions. Bring him out. How about a hand for the whole crew here working tonight? Bring him out. The great Anthony Giordano in the truck directing it. We've never had backstage cameras before.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is actually exciting for me to see. What was his name again? His name is Deepak Sahota. All right. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here he is. Here's Deepak. Come on over, Deepak, all the way across here. Come on out here, Deepak. I want to cure you, dude. Harland Williams has an idea on how to cure Deepak.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Zoom in again on his eyes. Let's see if we can get a zoom on these crazy eyes. There they are. Can we get a little bit tighter on those absolutely crazy eyes?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, my God. Deepak, those actually work. That is absolutely incredible. Let's zoom in on Deepak again. Deepak, look out there at the people. Let's get that close cam. Step up to the microphone, Deepak. Step up to the microphone. How do you feel right now, Deepak? You look like a whole new man. You're welcome, buddy.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I'm telling you right now, if we could just brown up the skin around those straight eyes a little bit, you would be unstoppable. You actually look better with those glasses on. I never before have we ever seen in the history, keep looking out there, keep looking straight out there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And while we wrangle that first comedian, we will get it started with a brand new minute. I think we should get it started with a bang, huh? What do you guys think? Some people think you should make a show like this where it builds the whole time and gets bigger and bigger. I like the... I'll ask again. Should we start it with some fucked up crazy shit?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Never before in the history have we ever seen anyone put on comedic glasses and become a good-looking man.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. Yeah. Just for old times' sake. There he goes. Harlan Williams has the touch of a god as he has cured Deepak Samota.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Deepak has been cured of his old shaky eyes. And now we roll on to the fifth bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for Andrew Champion, everybody. Here's Andrew Champion. Bucket pool number five. One more time for Andrew, everybody.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay, a bunch of Indian stereotypes. used in the form of a Siri to deliver the jokes. Andrew Champion, look out there straight at that red light out there, and let's just take note that he has the exact same eyes as the glasses that Harlan just put on the last guy. Unbelievably, just creepy, normal eyes. There they are. Bring Deepak back out, bring Deepak back out.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I think that is, I think Deepak just put on a backwards black hat and a new minute, making fun of his own family. So Andrew, how are you? How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time ever. Okay. What made you start stand-up? When was your first time? At the Secret Group in Houston. Okay. Did an open mic.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And here you are in Arena for your second time, which is crazy. We've had almost all first times, second times tonight out of the bucket. Okay. What made you want to sign up for an arena for your second time ever on stage?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
There you go. Who got you this gift for Christmas? My mom. Wow. Is your mom here? She is.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow. Well, your face is doing that for you. What do you do for work, Andrew? I work at the Houston Improv. Okay. You're a door guy there? Yes, sir. Okay. What do you love about Houston?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, then I'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show here with a brand new minute. Truly one of the top rising comedians in the world. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, your parents gave you that thick necklace. That's true Houston shit right there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's what? It's from an ex-girlfriend. And you still wear this bracelet from your ex-girlfriend? I do.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Occasionally, you know. when I asked. If you could say anything to her right now, look at that red light down there and say something to this girl that broke your heart three months ago.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We actually have a... Hold on. We have her on the... Why don't you look at the red light? Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. That is incredible. Absolute spitting images of one another.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You do have, no, don't, yeah, definitely don't do that. Just put that in your pocket. Put it in your pocket. Look back at that camera again. Can we zoom in one more time? And can we just take note that this is what a parentless Shane Gillis would have looked like? Let's just take note that if he had no mother and father that loved him, this is how his shape would have ended up looking like.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What's the weirdest drug you've ever done? You have very low levels of vitamin D. I haven't adventured out from weed.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, Fiona Cawley's backstage, so... Oh, yeah. Come on, we're having fun here. That guy's standing for you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Standing strong. So is Fiona right now. She's running away. Um... Fun stuff. Andrew, here's a little joke book. Congratulations... No glasses necessary. He's leaving with Deepak eyes. Ladies and gentlemen. I like that guy. As I pre-pull for the next bucket for you. Joe, cheers. Hold the music. We have come to a very special part of the show.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has progressed and we've hit so many milestones, we have been able to hit levels that I never thought before we could ever hit. And we have the respect of so many people that I've looked up to for so long, and it is incredible and surreal to bring up this next special treat and very special comedian.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's been one of my favorites since as far back as I can remember, and I can guarantee you he's one of everybody's favorites. The fact that he's here to grace us with his presence truly boggles my mind. Ladies and gentlemen, dropping in on this show, I present to you one of the greatest of all time and the first comedian ever in history to sell out an arena.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
How's it going, my friend? I'm good. This shit is crazy. It is. The arena thing is becoming casual. Yeah. How do you feel? I feel great. I got slides on right now, nigga.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Let's go back for a second to this living situation. Yeah. So you said that you hear them fucking and stuff and having a bunch of fun from the other side of the wall?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Amazing. So you've gotten used to it? Yeah. Right. Does hearing people have fun on the other side of a wall make you a Mexican? I hope not. I was finally able to get one out. You gave me some space to get a full one out there. It was perfect. You're welcome. Thank you, Luke, for permission.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
When you're not doing stand-up. For example, we found out tonight Hans Kim shoots baby deers.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah, it is. It's basically the H-E-B garden. There is his feet. Tight shit. Covered in socks, thank God. You can almost tell by the shape of the socks that there's some weird shit going on with those feet.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, the crowd is booing. Made them turn on me. They are turning on you. You didn't exactly answer the have you punched a puppy question correctly.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Come on. This is an amazing show where you could watch somebody make it and then slowly fall off the mountain right in front of your eyes over seven minutes. Oops.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You got a big joke book last time you were on? Yeah. Here's a big H-E-B joke book for you, Luke Stamm. I'm gonna try to remember the first four minutes of this whole interaction. Luke Stamm, everybody. There he goes. The set of the night, as far as bucket pulls go. And let's do another regular, ladies and gentlemen. You guys are about to go crazy.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show. A man who is destined, without a doubt, to eventually get his American citizenship. This is the brand new minute from one of my funniest friends in the fucking world. The real deal. The Estonian assassin.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Spell that word. Fuck you. Harlan, what do you think about the Young Buck?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The one, the only, the great, the powerful, the established Estonian assassin, Ari Matti, wearing a very fancy Estonian Fila full jogging suit this evening.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, what an experience. You did it with like the heavy disc and everything and people that knew what they were doing?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He plays biscuit golf. Yeah. He throws biscuits into his mouth and he celebrates afterwards. Instead of a biscuit. So stupid. What do you love? What do you do for fun here in America? I don't really ever ask you that.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is the closest you two have come to doing a podcast together. I offered. I was on Facebook. Shit, this is a great moment. President Joe Biden, why did you not do Joe Rogan's podcast? I was asleep.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Look it up, Jamie. Oh, you know some of the terminology. Have you listened or watched an episode? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Which one? There's a part about Bigfoot. Come on. I think you just say things that your advisors tell you and you remember key words. Huh? Ari, what do you think about there being a new president right around the corner?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You're going to be just fine. Anything else? Sorry, Matty. What else is going on? You're back.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's incredible. I have a feeling her day gets ruined pretty easily. Yeah, probably, right? Moody bitch. Yeah. Amazing.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, Redban's interested. Redban. Anyway, no, definitely don't do that. Definitely don't do that. Well, Ari, you did it again. Thank you. You're killing it in a Fila suit. The Estonian dream. Thank you. Ari Maddy. Here we go. Bucket pool number seven, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Carly Rose. Carly Rose is next. God damn. How about another hand for Heidi, huh?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Carly, you performed like someone that would have purple dyed hair. So let's just get into it. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
There we go. Almost getting to the answer now. How long have you been doing stand-up? How many times have you done stand-up? Any of those would be good.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Joe Biden got his outfit off Timu. He also got his vice president off Timu as well.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. All right. Let's check in with the President of the United States, Joe Biden.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The feeding tube? Why did you have a feeding tube? Are you the anorexic that's in Ari and Maddie's DMs?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, fuck. Wow. This is getting weirder and weirder. Let's check back in with Joe Biden.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That's it. Imagine you two just hanging out at night, you sucking on her feeding tube when she's asleep, just straight to the mouth, slurping it down. Mmm, mmm, it's like a never-ending milkshake. Mmm, baby Redbin drinking out of his baba. Aww. Aww. You have an iron deficiency. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever pictured. Yes, boo indeed, big sir. I love it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay. Nah, screw it. Um, anything else? Any redeeming qualities that might make this crowd... You want to let her sing? I don't know. You guys think we should hear her sing? Yeah. Come on. All right. Great call, Jo.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, you're going to hear the band. They're going to play, and you know kind of the song.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The T. What's the full sentence? It's a tea. Oh, the tea and lemonade. It's a tea and lemonade mixture. Yeah. Arnold Palmer was also a human being. He wasn't just tea, nigga? He was a golfer who liked lemonade mixed with iced tea. Iced tea and lemonade. It's like a... Not the wrapper, the beverage. Lemonade, it's like a lemon-flavored Kool-Aid, if you will.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh my God, you used to put Jolly Ranchers directly into your feeding tube?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He walks into the medical room, she's just smoking a cigarette through her fucking stomach. Hey, doc, did my test results come in? Just inhaling through the stomach. Exhaling through the mouth. Jesus Christ almighty.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Has that ever been done before? Did you ever get sexual with it in any way? Did a guy ever shoot his load in your tube or anything?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wait, why did you get your... Wait, there's some barren women clapping in the audience. What made you get your uterus removed?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, that's incredible. Amazing. You hear that, Latinos? You can do that. Yeah. If you put your mind to it. You don't have to procreate. You can stop. The Latinos are actually nodding in agreement. I see you out there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So how exactly did sex change after getting your uterus taken out?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You don't have to worry about having to get an abortion. That is correct. That is true. There's a lot of horny men cheering for this right now. You can really tell who jerked off today and who didn't.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's a shop vac. He's the guy with the mustache. He makes his money being a full-time comedian?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
All right, well, very fun, Carly. You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. Fun interview. You saved it with all that crazy life experience.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We have a... I've been informed by somebody's advisors that we have a special treat. I don't know if you remember this, President Joe Biden, but somebody just put in my ear that some of your advisors said that you prepared a little something for tonight.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing. Here we go. The president of the United States of America. We've seen this before. Always great sets. From this guy. One more time for Joe Biden.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And iced tea is a drink, not just a wrapper. I know what iced tea is, nigga. Oh, okay. Sometimes I translate things for you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was on the Joe Rogan experience. He was on. This is Kill Tony, but yeah, you were with Joe. He's going pee. Look at that walk away. Is that not iconic or what? There he goes. He's just in character every step of the way.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Holy crap. Oh, he doesn't know he's on the backstage camera. That's Adam Ray, everybody. Look at that. There he is. There's Joe Biden. Okay. He snapped right out of character. Okay. While we're waiting for the president, Joe Biden, to finish urinating, we will roll something. We have something very special for one of the members of this panel here.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's been a special secret that we've kept a surprise. Why don't we roll that video if it's ready? Let's see what we got here.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I present to you the great and powerful Harlan Williams. Oh, shit. Harlan Williams, first time on this show. We wanted him for ten and a half years. We got him.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's writing out an actual check. Can you describe exactly what it says there on that check?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
See, I'm actually a member of a dolphin bank with no numbers, no... Let me read it to you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Congratulations. Of course, here to present you with the award, last year's Guest of the Year, Adam Ray slash Dr. Phil slash Joe Biden slash Elaine slash Jeremy. Make some fucking noise for the 2024 guest of the year. Much, much deserved. Harlan motherfucking Williams. Speech, speech, speech.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
unbelievable Harland motherfucking Williams. Amazing. Just a little fun fact for those of you. There's no way that he knew he was going to be guest of the year. The funny part of that is that he's been sitting on and has had trophies shoved in his pants all night, literally not knowing that he was going to win anything.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Joe Rogan, President Joe Biden. Indeed, check out the Harlan Highway. Harlan is hilarious all the time. Much deserved 2024 Guest of the Year. We've done a lot tonight. We've seen feeding tubes. We've seen it all. People with wobbly eyes. Guest of the Year. The return of Rick Diaz. Locke Hoger. Fiona Colley. Hans Kim. Andrew Dice. Motherfucking Clay.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I can think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time for the all-time record holder in appearances, the record holder in interviews, overall minutes on the show, the first ever living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, and the reigning and defending most powerful regular in the history of the show, Some people call him the HEB produce manager.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The crown prince of Cedar Park. The aardvark of Austin. The pervert of Portland. The disclaimer of Des Moines. The Memphis Strangler. The Alaskan... The ZipRecruiter Zebra. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I love the energy tonight. Yeah! William Montgomery has done it again. The streak continues. William. I'm making Joe sneeze over here! He did, he made me sneeze.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Joe is allergic to overly processed fortune cookies flying through the air, obviously. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Kim Patterson, you have gotten the show officially started with the new minute, and now we roll to the bucket, the backbone of the show, where we've met every comedian who's ever been on it. It all starts with the luck of a draw. These arena pools have notoriously always been rough. Oh, my goodness. When I hear the pop of the crowd, I know it's gotta be the one and only Heidi.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band, everybody! What a fucking Monday night delight this is. What's up, everyone? Welcome. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. The great Michael Gonzalez, aka Big Mike, on the drums. Joining us tonight, the great and powerful Marcus King on guitar. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
There she is, live in the flesh. It is indeed bucket pool number one, and it goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Bill Rhodes, everyone. Bill Rhodes is first here on Kill Tony, live from the HEB Center.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2283 - Billy Corgan
What the you got on wrestler shoes for? You guys are mean. Jimmy Neutron granddaddy right here. You guys look like a before and after for a product that doesn't work. What does ADD stand for? A dose of diabetes? I wasn't ready for any of this. You guys are wearing sweatpants and sweat skin. Have you guys just completely given up on pussy? Is that it? All right, baby, Doughboy, not me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2283 - Billy Corgan
I'm out here now. Doughboy? Wait, what? His name is Doughboy. Doughboy? Yeah. I spell it D-O-B-O-Y. Yeah, I had a feeling you'd misspell it. You guys are two of my favorites. Two Chins and ASAP Rocky Road.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2225 - Dave Smith
Four years ago, we had Mark Cuban on the program. It may seem he was in the news this week. And he started going on about how bad America's race history was and how ashamed he was of America. And that's why he was at all these protests. And he felt it was really important to stand up and speak out about human rights violations.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2225 - Dave Smith
And then it got awkward when I asked him about all the money he was taking from China. But then he dropped a bunch of F-bombs, and I thought, I really enjoy this feeling of proving Mark Cuban wrong. And so here I am at a Trump rally, a strong, intelligent woman to prove Mark Cuban wrong again.