Mo Rocca
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day, but Brendan Fay wants to ruin everyone's good time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
But you're gay. Your parade is in the summer. Well, I'm Irish and gay. But that's impossible, according to Reverend Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
And he wants to protect the heterosexual march that is the St. Patrick's Day parade.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
The Reverend has valid reason for concern.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
These gay antics could ruin the St. Patrick's Day parade. Describe for me the St. Patrick's Day parade.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
How can you be trusted not to turn the St. Patrick's Day parade gay? I mean, look what you did to the gay pride parade. Well, it is a gay parade. Yeah, after you people got hold of it. When it comes to the parade controversy, Reverend Sheldon has science on his side.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
So your research has shown that leprechauns are heterosexual.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
A leprechaun is defined as a tiny prancing cobbler with a penchant for gold. Where's the gay in that? I don't see any. The prancing part. Is that a little bit gay?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
But what does mean something is protecting his heritage. As an Irish Catholic, you feel offended. I'm a Presbyterian. So, as an Irish Presbyterian, you feel offended.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
So as an English Presbyterian Orthodox Jew, you feel very protective of the St. Patrick's Day parade. That's right. The point is, a fake conspiracy is afoot. Today, the Irish parade. Tomorrow, the Irish.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Rosie O'Donnell has a huge crush on Tom Cruise. Those gays are unstoppable. If they got Rosie, no one is safe. They might even get the Lord of the Dance.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Not really, John. Let's face it. A parade is inherently gay. I mean, think about it. A crowd of singers and a gaggle of dancers perched atop floats, brightly painted paper mache.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Oh, John, come on. Uniforms, boots, chaps. It's even gayer. Chaps? What branch of the military wears chaps? Well, the cavalry, John. Mounted privates. I mean, how gay do you want it?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
If you want to be elected governor of New Jersey, it's not enough to visit the state's diners. It's got the most of any state. It's not enough to eat the state's tomatoes. It produces the best in the nation. It's not enough to throw those tomatoes across the Hudson at Manhattan. You've got to pay homage to the ultimate political boss, the boss himself, Bruce Springsteen.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
And so Democrat Josh Gottheimer proudly posted his Spotify rap list of his top songs for the year, all from Bruce, Thunder Road, Badlands, Rosalita. But now that Spotify rap list is part of his own political rap sheet, since it turns out he totally faked it. That's right. Oh, his pants are on fire. His real list does include the boss, but also Billy Joel.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Yikes, the guy who sang New York State of Mind. But Gottheimer isn't just any politician. When he was called out, he admitted the list was fake and blamed his two young children, who share his Spotify account for skewing the results. A true profile in courage. P.S., his dog's name is Rosalita, but she's actually a Bon Jovi fan.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
And also, you know, when Justice Breyer was here, he sang from The Music Man.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
And we were in a terrific, I mean, I'm telling you, a terrific production.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I was really good. Okay, bye. But it was my birthright as a nerd to play Seymour.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm feeling insecure right now. I feel like I'm getting already eclipsed.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
So now that they've warned, this insurance company has warned people about this, then they will deny all claims.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Was your grandmother... just run-of-the-mill mean, or was she wicked?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
This sounds worse than a destination wedding.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I would do it if instead of handing out glasses of water, they were giving heavy hors d'oeuvres along the way.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Remember the Venus fly trap? Yes. I could order one by mail, and I was so excited to get a Venus fly trap. I think it was from Ronco, and I kept catching house flies. Did you really? I really did, and it was kind of great, because you put a fly in there, and then it would react, but I just choked that thing. I just kept putting so many flies.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Yes, I did. I mean, the last sound I heard was just crying, like, stop it, I can't...
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Also, it's not a real six-pack. Ooh, the body! Really? No! I think it's photoshopped. It's not real. Mo Rocca.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
100 elite... I mean, fighters would just be too obvious, so... Clowns. 100 elite goats... Wow. They were the GOAT, the greatest of all time GOATs.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
You know, I'm going to say it's the University of North Carolina.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Do you want me to show you right now?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
It was interrupted by the lighting of the Christmas tree.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Can I say, you really can't complain about health care if you're eating at McDonald's all the time. That's true. You brought on these problems yourself.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
And Mo Rocca. Instead of an actual present, just a picture of one. Gift giving.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
So do they get insurance now? Because the rates must be crazy for Survivor.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
She should have put the gun in her shoe. Clown college. Exactly. Big shoes.