Martin Phillips
Appearances
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What if their place was, like, my roommate's home, and, like, it would actually really be better if we went to your place.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Hey, what's up? Yeah, okay, cool. It was Ash Wednesday recently. I couldn't make it to church, so I just put my grandma's remains on my forehead. She's cremated. It's the only ash I had. Anyway, I'm a lover, not a fighter, so when someone tries to fight me, I try to have sex with them, you know? Like, let's use that fist another way. Let's meet at the middle, you know, because the fisties.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Anyway, no, I don't think I can fight many people. I think I got old people and children. So if you're under eight or over 80, stay the fuck out of my way.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I take my outfit, okay? I stick with my fashion. Nice old black. Wow, dude. Fuck yeah. Favorite color or something. You colorblind or are you?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
The tough part is going to be the buses back up. Right, yeah. It's going to be... I didn't think about that part.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take off the pants. I do that sometimes. I do that in reverse for a crying shirt. I take off the pants.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, dude. You know what? I've been doing so well lately. I don't think I have to substitute anymore. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, so I can retire. Yeah. The crazy thing, one of the last days I substituted, I did something I'd never done before at work. I shit my pants at the job. While you were teaching? Luckily, it was at the end of the day, because I don't think I could have hid that from the kids. I think they would have known I shit my pants.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, I'm just, well, you know, I just had the feeling of shitting, but then I have a classroom of students, so I was like, oh, I can wait till the end of the period, and I could not actually, yeah. But luckily it happened after they all left. Were you wearing jeans? Oh, I was wearing khakis.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, let me tell you. It was a vast amount of feces. Wow. Not to quote my own joke, but I was like, what am I going to do with all this shit? Wow.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Honestly, to be honest, maybe not surprising, I do happen to poop myself more often than you would imagine. I mean, you always walk like you just shit your pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to go to a doctor, and I have, like, IBS. So let's go back. Okay, okay. What is it, the last period of the day?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Last period, and you, like... Bell rings, kids out, and I'm like, okay, let's go. And I start to hear the door, and I'm like... So how did you get out of there with all that shit in your pants? Was it running down your leg at all? I don't think... I walked slowly into that, and I was... I waited a few minutes for all the school buses to leave.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Are you having a fever? So I just sat down and waited. And I sat down. It was squishy. I was like, oh. But then I knew it was a fast amount. Oh, man.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You just bounce, dude. I guess. I don't know how it works. The funny one is I sat in the teacher's chair and waited. I got up, I left a wet mark on the teacher's chair.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
So he probably thought it was a prank by a student. He probably didn't think it was by the guy who substituted for him that day. Right. But I had a nice whole life. I tried to... I don't think I... I did not... Follow through on the dial. So who knows what happened to it, but anyway.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I walked with my knees bent like this. Which isn't much different than normal. It kind of, you know, no. I think it helped a shit. So then luckily I have a seat protector on my car so I can sit on the seat. Wow. But then I threw that out after I got home. And then I just went straight to the shower and threw everything away. Yep. Washed up and... Nobody knows at that school.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Right, now they know. They don't go to the middle school I was at.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What's up? What's going on? I have big hands. People say there are piano hands, but I don't know how to play the piano, but my hand jobs are ridiculous. I only play a forte, you know? You should see the double crescendo, you know? Okay. And I had to buy a card, and at the card store, it was in the sympathy section, right next to that. Well, it said, sympathy-Jewish. I was like, oh, that's weird.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So now, in a special way, you can tell your friends, I'm sorry, you're Jewish. It's a lot, you know? So, it's... I grew up with cats, and I like that cats use the litter box. It's cool. It's like, hey, not only do you have to clean up my shit, but you got to find it first. Good luck, asshole.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Thanks. Do you have cats? No, I do not have stray cats hanging out on my patio. But I do not own them if they hang out there.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I don't know. In order that they can't hang out there, I bought them a bed. So now... They got the cool, they got the hook up. I'm the plug for the cat. I need that water. I need that drink to get out the fucking bed.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I know. I know. It's actually, it's like they hang out there. I never see them. They run away. It's like I actually own a cat in a way. You got a special cage for them just in case they want to relax a bit? You put a bed out there. What else have you done? You put a little fucking, you put a little can of tuna out there. No, I don't want them to become dependent on me, so I just need water.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You think that they see you walking in and sense a meal coming soon? They gotta find a way into a fucking apartment, so good luck, Mr. Cat, getting inside.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Okay, I think I got it. I swear to God. I swear to God. All right, here we go. It's go, and it's go, and it's go, and it's go.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What else is going on? It's good. I've been traveling around a lot and doing shows and whatnot. Pretty busy. Always going somewhere. Yep.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
It's working out. Yeah. Guys who sound like this are doing well. That's true. That is true. That is the voice of a winner.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, shit. Oh, man. Oh, shit, there I am. I heard there was a Kid Rock sex tape, so I was interested. I was going to look it up, but after I wrote the first for a kid, I was like, I'm out. No, I'm not. This is a trap. This is set up. Anyway, some guys say they have gay daughter, and it's like, yeah, I have boners too, you know? We're all aware that my voice is similar to RFK Jr.'s.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
But now that he's going to be head of the health department, we're all going to start sounding like this. So welcome to hell. That was good.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You're rocking it behind you? I bought this. today, because I heard with the turtleneck you need a chain, so this is $3 from Walmart in the girl's section.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It was good. Good news. I hooked up with... What are you going to do right there? Right there is already trying to mock me. I hooked up with a Puerto Rican woman. So... I'm doing my best to repair the relationship between the show. That's right.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
But yeah, I'm willing to have sex with as many women for as good of a show.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I was crashing at a friend's house, so I did the courteous thing and went to her place. Okay.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I saw her at the show, and we hung out after, and yada, yada, yada. That's right.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
That was the craziest lately. I love it. It was pretty cool. I love it. So there's actually good news, bad news to it. Uh-oh. Bad news, because I take an antidepressant for anxiety. You know, it's hard to be hard, you know? Oh, shit. But that and getting out there is the good news. When I was able to do it, guess what? Too big. Whoa, really?