John Mulaney
Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I stole Kavits. He always said, we'll be back after this message, which I found was like a weird way to refer to commercials. Right, right. Like they're just, there's a statement, a company wants to make a statement.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It's like doing TV. It feels like doing TV when TV were on TV. When TV were on TV.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Pacific. We go live 10 p.m. New York. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I give time and temp. So 702 in Los Angeles. The other night it was 67. It was rainy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It's incredibly fun. I would say doing those six episodes was and then working on this new incarnation. It can be tiring, but it's never hard. It is a really it just is really fun. I have to say, I haven't had a lot of experiences like that where there's kind of no other than wanting to realize the things we want to do as best we can. There's no like, I don't know, there's not there's no obstacle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Maybe there should be some, but there's no obstacle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I mean, you could go buy a sword or a bong or something like that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Sunset Gower is great because when you actually go to bigger studios in Los Angeles, there's such remote areas, other than Paramount, there's such remote, overwhelming, faceless, just all-consuming areas once you drive on the lot. Sunset Gower is like next to the Gower Gulch, which is like a Western-themed Rite Aid, and the Arby's sign that's sort of famous, which is no longer used.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
even an Arby's. Right. And then like, there's like a gate and you drive on and it's like a few bills. Sunset Gower is just very low key.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Like the end of Blazing Saddles type studio of everyone running in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
You know that Elvis story with the Paramount lot? Which one? So when he first started making movies, he'd drive through those Melrose gates and he had to hide under all these coats, you know, because the girls would be swarming the gates and didn't want to know which car he was in. And he makes a movie, goes to the army, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
He's deep in like, you know, you know, Blue Tampa or whatever the films were by the end. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, I think that was even kind of a hit. This is like the late era, later 60s. And the colonel would still tell him to hide under the coats, but there was no one waiting. We have to eye that for Conan when he comes back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Same weekend as Three Amigos. Oh. Oh, is that true? Yeah, and it beat Three Amigos at the box office. And those guys, those Three Amigos guys will tell you that at the drop of a hat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Exactly. But you can't convince someone. When people feel attached to something, it's in a sweet way. They're very like, well, it didn't open. Golden Child won the week, you know. I think it's done okay since then.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. In a nice way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, I know. I'm just cushioning the story of how petty they are. I'm trying with some interjecting positivity at the end. No, but it's nice. They're fixated on their own failures. It's narcissistic, but it's sweet. It's nice. It's nice, but it's nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Marty can't see the forest for the trees. He's completely blindsided by failure, but it's sweet. He's a good guy. It's nice, and it's fun, and people like it, and it's nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And I... And Emily Spivey, Paula Pell, James Anderson, Tina was working.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
There was so, I mean, granted, recurring sketches and things that had been done before and the like, but there was so much new performance. Like it wasn't, they showed a couple, they showed the Schiller's reel with John Belushi. They showed a couple film pieces, but that was it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was a lot of new.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I really am. And also, it felt like a lot of Saturday Night Live on display in one moment, which is he says he's all the way Ray because he never does anything halfway. But his hair is braided on one half and then sticking up. And it was like... That dumbass funny joke that Jost wrote, then the hair department made that wig. Specifically for that, it looks perfect.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And the sketch starts and it's just sort of like a broad touch. And then he has that joke. It was just a lot of things. Every department, you know, hard at work on like the funniest, dumbest joke.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Well, what was fun was, from my perspective, months out, there was Radio City, nothing Saturday, and then the broadcast on Sunday. And I talked to Lorne and he'd tell me a couple things that were going to be at Radio City. And then he would tell me... And Sunday, I think it's Paul and maybe one other detail. This is for months.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And which Paul? Exactly. You never know. He broke a broom in half and said, fight it out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Wait, real quick, speaking of Paul McCartney, I have to, I feel bad because one of the two participants should break this joke, but right after the 50th, Marty Short did the end of the show, you know, the good nights, he had introduced McCartney and then he was doing the good nights and thanking everyone and thank, and thanks Paul McCartney and it's big applause and all crazy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And then right after the credits are done, Fred runs up to Marty and he goes, dude, what did you say? And he goes, what, what? And he goes, you said Tony McCartney. Oh my God. And Marty goes, what? Oh my God, damn it. And he was like, you said Tony McCartney. That's fantastic. It's such a good bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Exactly. And when you're speaking in a setting like that, live on TV, you really do feel slightly disconnected. It just all feels like air coming out of you. Dude, you said Tony McCartney. So messed up. I had a... And what if... And Tony McCartney, and everyone's still kind of applauded, but thought Marty had lost his mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I got beef with that party again. Which is? The 40th and the 50th. Everyone's trying to talk and these musicians get up and start playing. Yes. And it stinks. I want them off the stage. They're so loud. We can't have a conversation. You can't have a conversation. We all want to sit and stand in various areas talking poorly about our contemporaries.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And you're out there trying to do an arcade fire. Get out of here. Yeah. I wanted to get a little spray bottle of water and just scoop them off stage. I was so mad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
What about us looks like we want to move our bodies and dance? We're all tired and we want to speak lovingly but poorly of our contemporaries, co-workers, the show as a whole, and what the planning was like. Yes. And you, I remember the 40th, that, who's that guy? I didn't get to go to the 40th. That fucking Prince gets out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And everyone talks about this like it's the greatest night in New York history. It stunk. They sounded like a wedding band. It was like Elvis Perkins, Paul McCartney, you know, maybe Ackroyd, all of them just playing at once loudly. And then Prince got up and we had to act like that was a big deal. And I'm just trying, I just was like, I just wanted to talk shit with Bobby Moynihan. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It was such a bummer. It's so not what this is about to me. Loud guitars. I had. I was really mad. And then when I saw them start to plug in at the 50th, I left. I said, I can't do everything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Well, here's the thing. I know how to make a good party. We would lower the music and we would all quietly say slightly negative things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
You know, like three people in Liverpool probably said that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And it stuck with them. Yeah. Like, when you was playing weddings, you was better. Yeah. And they're like, you know, it stays with you. And you go like, yeah, I'd like to see that lady see us now. You know? And with the Tony McCartney insult, I bet his head was spinning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
He didn't know. He was taking punches left and right. My point, sorry, the thing I failed to say was that those conversations with Lauren, like, I feel like in a marvelous way, in order to get the collective heart rate where it needed to be, that show was not planned till much closer to it than we feel it is. I mean, you would know, but it really was, it was really fun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It was humorously down to the wire and then it passed the point of humor. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And it got there and it was really hard with a two year run up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Or they're like, or it could be Venus. Like to get everyone there with such a good feeling, but by Thursday to create an atmosphere where like me and Tina and Seth and Jost are running into each other going, what the hell is happening? Like that was real. That was a work of art. The stress leading up to it was a work of art.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah. Wednesday night, live. March 12th, we started. We're done May 26th.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
If you don't mind, check out one episode.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Hi, my name is John Mulaney. And I feel litigious. Nice. About being Conan O'Brien's friend, sir.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Let me tell you something. When I see you on the street in New York, I'm not shaking your hand.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It can't be defamation. It needs to be over the rights to something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Well, I'm going to sue you for that. You could sue him, honestly, being like what the show became.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
was we were integral to it, you know, the way like, like, cause he'll be like, nah, it's my show. I do whatever I want with it. You know, he's the Don Henley. He's the malcontent. But you guys are the Don Felders.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And we start having to refer to each other as Mr. Mulaney and Mr. O'Brien. There's a moment in the Eagles documentary where things get litigious, and suddenly it's like what Mr. Felder fails to understand. Oh!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And it's really nice to see you. And I've been thinking about you a lot. Wow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I'm glad it meant something. You're the best. We were so excited. It was so exciting to watch that show with everything going on in the world. And I don't know, for like that, like it like it just felt during that it was like because, you know, like it's a bad time in the world and no one saw any of those movies. And but like for that show, it was like things seem happy and positive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And we're acting like everyone saw these and we know what they are. You know what I mean? We're like, oh, my God, it won. That one. That's great. No one saw a thing, right? No one saw a thing. But you really did put on a show that said, this is a cool night and we're going to have fun. And that is, that sounds like a very simple thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
But as we were talking about comedy that is like just not quite always messagey, it's harder to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I think in the same day that he's... They go from Don Henley talking to Geffen. He goes, he's a malcontent. He's a malcontent.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I'd love it. I love if we, let's do something together and then fight over the rights to it until we bury each other in legal costs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It should also become a thing where the tactics of the lawsuit then become what we're fighting over. Yes. Where like the actual, you know, where I'm now just harassing you. It's so funny. People love suing. They do love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Well, I'll get I'll see you in court, asshole. They love it. They love every part of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
People don't know that you and I can make- And that this isn't coming to you right out of the mic. Exactly. He's banking these.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, no, he really was. He was drinking pre-workout powder and just doing leg days. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Right. And we covered the city of LA. It was during the Netflix is a Joke Festival. Yes. So like every comedian was in town. Yeah. And it was a funny situation that we're all in the town of Los Angeles. This we've broadened out, you know, topic-wise and where we're filming some stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I was like, no, come on, people, it's not coastal. They say live from New York, it's Saturday night. I was like, people like knowing the data. No, people don't like Los Angeles. And then after the fires, I thought, now they might like it, feel bad for it at least. No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And they love every area right outside of L.A. Yes. Cerritos. Oh, Cerritos. It's great. People love Palos Verdes. Anything near it, we're pro. Yes. There's not even like suburban, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It struck me as a funny situation to kind of be like, I've been able to do a lot of things in the past few years and I have some options. It wasn't like it's this show or the highway. So, you know, the fact that I caved so quickly on a thing like the title was to me funny in and of itself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
We want you to take out L.A. and me to go, OK.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
So if I didn't have to, because some people it's like, you know, you get busted with, you know, with a kilo and you're like, you got to flip on some other guys. That's a jam. But to choose to narc, to choose to narc out of the sheer fucking love of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah. What was Alger Hiss? Was he getting money or was he just like, I just... Some people, I think, gave secrets because they're like, it can't be so one-sided. Right, right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yes, I'm seriously, seriously skating that right now. That's very nice what you said about the show. That means a lot. Late night. I mean, you it's so funny because you did the same thing, but at the highest possible stakes nightly. And I don't think now doing it a little. I mean, meaning six episodes in one. So just but just having a taste of it, I'm like.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
There is a thing where you just can't help but do it differently because, you know, and I got the sense that those early years of late night, it was like you guys couldn't help but make it as it's almost like for you to do the best job possible. You had to make it as weird as it was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I never used to hear about the conversation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And by the way, those shows are good and those people do good work and it's easier to cover. I wouldn't know what to write. Covering comedy is also bizarre because it's kind of an objective result. Like it kind of worked or it didn't. Sorry, it's intensely subjective. But then in terms of the show doing the piece, it worked or it didn't.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, you're from Chicago. I grew up in the Burbs. Sean's in Chicago right now. I know. I can tell from his hat and the view and the fact that I know he's there.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I always thought it was too many hats. Well, no. The way you're describing it, it's not, I'm not getting just a generosity vibe. It's a lot of hats.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I will say this. And you probably had like carry-ons for the tour, you know, and you didn't want, you had to now carry 20 hats in a laundry bag from the Four Seasons or something. Do you have merch at your shows, John? Yes, thank you for mentioning that.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Wow, I get to plug the merch? I have a T-shirt that says, I saw him just after he got out of rehab. That would be the best seller right now.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Like, outside of a high school environment, I did stand-up at a couple, not even open mics, just like weird variety nights at places like The Note near Wicker Park. But that's ballsy, though, to just start to do stand-up. Were you scared? I had weirdly high self-esteem when it came to that. Not really about any other part of life, but I was like, yeah, no, I'm a headliner. I'm going to do this.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It's going to be great. People are going to be talking about this. And then I did improv in college. I auditioned for the improv group my fourth day of college, and the director was a young man named Nick Kroll.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
He cast me. Yeah, he was a senior. I was a freshman, and he cast me in the improv group. Very much changed my life.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Wait, where was this? What college was this? This was Georgetown University in Washington, DC. Right, where you studied theology as well? Yeah, English and theology. Why? Oh, I thought- Want to be a priest? No, I mainly studied Jewish theology.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
There were a couple of very good Jewish studies professors at Georgetown, and I just found it much more interesting theology because it's a lot more like, what the hell do we know?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, Catholics was a lot more like, do this and you'll spend this many days in fire, but then you can get out if someone prays for you. There were too many rules, too much structure. Judaism was a lot of like, who the hell are you to ask?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Excuse me? Who the hell are you to ask that? Why is there water? Get out of here.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I remember in third grade, a teacher gave me an article like Xeroxed from Esquire. Like, it wasn't for kids. It was an article and it was about this guy, Henry Beard, who wrote for the Harvard Lampoon and the National Lampoon. And the name of the article was The Original Smartass White Guy. And she slipped it to me, Miss Koal. And she said, you'd be into this guy and this type of thing.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
That's cool. And yeah, it was cool. But I don't recall being like a troublemaker. But you knew that you had skills.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
And I was kind of a writer-performer in that I would tell more poorly behaved children what might be a funny thing to do. Right. What if someone threw that out the window right now?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, that'd be pretty crazy if someone just threw their potato battery out the window right now. Right. Yeah. Can you imagine how that'd be crazy? I know you're pretty unstable. You've got a lot going on at home. Maybe you'd be like a king for a day if you did that.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I think I'd be pretty susceptible. I don't have a lot of cult confidence. I don't know how – I don't know if I'd be the leader. I think I'd be a member, and it'd take me a while. It'd take me a while to see the light.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I remember we got caught tagging up a garage. Yeah, we were always... You were in a tag crew? Yeah, and my tag... Was hat sideways?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Of everything, man. Of anything, especially a garage door. You guys were hardcore.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, and I had a real, I didn't have a pyromania phase, but my good friend did. And I would supervise, I kind of supervised that a little.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Not at all, no. Not at all. Love was allergic to cats, so we had kind of agree to disagree relationship cats and I. Would you put like food coloring in beverages and things like that, John? No, but we would do a lot of, like, what could we put a bottle rocket in?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It is a stevia-based soda. And I can safely recommend every single flavor.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I have two recurring Amazon orders that I, one I don't know how to cancel and one I can find. See, that's why I've never signed up for the automatic.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It's so much cream soda, but I'm fine with it. But it's backing up. There's baby formula diapers and so much cream soda Zevia. And they're tall boys, too, because I just— Oh, I do like—yeah, the tall ones are nice. They can make tall ones, yeah.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
No, sugar goes into this body. I am recently sober, and so I'm allowing myself a lot of sugar and indulgences. I'm trying to cut back, but I haven't yet. And I won't today, and I won't tomorrow.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I went to a hypnotist. Yeah. He was a UCLA paranormal professor who now hypnotizes people in his garage in Santa Monica. Sounds safe. Do you see spaceships when he's done?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Remember how I said I'm susceptible to cults? Well, I go to this guy's garage. I've spent eight hours in the garage.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Well, if he's so fake, how come he has some headshots thanking him for his work?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, some sun-faded headshots thanking him for getting them off cigarettes. Entertainers who I recognize vaguely.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
No, it actually did work. I mean, I smoked from age 13 to 39 and stopped in November. Wow. After the second session.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
First hypnotism session, you get to keep smoking for that week, which is a big reason I did it, was I love smoking. So second session, walked out, never had another. Third session, I actually don't remember. I really did go somewhere else. That's nice. Yeah.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It was so fun. It was one of the most fun experiences making the show.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Until? From August to November of 2014. So it was a tight 13? I think they did air all 13. Our final episode aired against the SNL 40th, which I was working on. And we ended up losing to that, the ratings that night.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I was. I was passionate about... I was and am passionate about multicam. I really like... You and me both. So do we. Yep. And I... I mean, I grew up on them, but also I just find it... And maybe it's also the Saturday Night Live in me and the stand-up in me. I just like... three to four cameras, and yelling jokes to the back of the room. And an audience, a live audience. And a live audience, yeah.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Oh, my God. I mean, as the EP and writer and everything, I didn't have that. But watching Elliot Gould and Marty Short and Nassim Pedrad leave at three, I just thought, ooh, that's the life of King. Would you do another one? I would, yeah. You should.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
When they're good, they're so great. Andy Ackerman, wonderful man.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, it's a problem with Sean. Okay, the first part is it depends on how much I toured before the special. Yeah. So I did that sitcom. Production was shut down in October. I went on the road the next week. and then I taped a special that May called The Comeback Kid for Netflix. That was a pretty short tour. The last special I did, there was about a year of touring before it.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
This one will be like, This one will be close to a year, maybe over. I'm on the road steadily right now.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I love it. Really? I like hotel living. Wow. I really like tour bus living.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I bring my own pillow, but I take their pillowcase. What does that mean?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I took one pillowcase from the first hotel on this tour. Where did it start? We started in Portland, Maine, maybe? I... I took a pillowcase and it's still on. Because you like the thread count on that one. You're like, oh, we're going to keep this. I liked that it was long and my special foam pillow is longer than a regular pillow too. So it was cool. It was a nice fit.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
You sleep with a pillow between your knees? I got one of those at an As Seen on TV store at Foxwoods recently.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
No, it's like a little, it looks like a yoga block, except it has a skate ramp in it. And you put it right between those knees. And if you guys are at anyone near the As Seen on TV store at the mall in Foxwoods, the casino, they have them there. And again, that's at the Foxwoods Casino, the outlet mall.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Oh, yeah. You've never been in one? You've never seen that? Come on. Oh, it's the greatest. Truly. It looks like a storage unit. Can I ask you what they sell in there? I mean, the one thing I was really intrigued by this time was something called Battery Daddy, which was, it looked like a... Tell me slow.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It looked like a CD tower. It looked like a compact disc tower for batteries. It was almost like a pyramid where all your sizes of batteries had different levels they could clip into. Could you use that? Definitely can't find the double A's when I need them.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
My girlfriend, Olivia, we still have the pregnancy pillow, that horseshoe-shaped thing. And I slept in it the other day, and it is fantastic. It's like sleeping in a bumper bowling lane.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
feel rested i never feel rested i saw an interview with donny osmond once where he was extolling the virtues of sleeping on the tray uh-huh on a commercial flight sleep on the no that always makes me want to vomit and did he say and make sure to drink 12 rums before you do it
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
The wonderful Nick Kroll. My best friend, older brother, and everything. Mentor.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, I know. I sound good. I sound gracious because he led me into the group, and now just air it unedited.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Uh, for a while we, uh, that's a good question. We don't consciously plan, you know, let's work together in 18 months. Uh, We love working with each other, so he'd be my first thought for anyone to collaborate with. And then we have things that we've done consistently, like the theater show, Oh Hello, where we played these two guys, Gil and George.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
We did that in a variety of media and then did it as a play on Broadway. So that's a thing where we will talk about revisiting those characters specifically. and then obviously i work with him on big mouth on netflix but i but he's along with um andrew goldberg and mark and jen flack and he's a creator ep so i'm not doing that with him but um okay i'm lucky enough to be honest
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I'm a little, I remember a professor in college said, someone was like, someone said, just taking it one day at a time. And he said, that's great. Of course, Mulaney lives minute to minute. And like everyone laughed. And I was really like, it was odd of him to call that out in the middle of a Jewish studies class.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I'd love a knockout obituary and great speeches at the memorial service. But, like, then I can't think, you know. You just want it to be glowing.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
You know, I was walking around a cemetery in Connecticut where all the... Where you do. Where you do. And the graves are from like the 1700s. And back then, people would... I walked by a grave that said, Handsome and Brave. It was like a hero of the revolution, handsome and brave. I was like, I think I'm going to take that.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
So that just sounds like compost with a dead body in it. It doesn't sound like your body is doing anything. It does. That's a good point. Your gaseous, unembalmed body exploding in unusable compost.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I'd like, you know, I would like it said at my funeral or on my gravestone that I, some of my flaws, like he was late a lot and people talked to him about it and he was still late. Are you still? Are you still late? I'm getting better at it. I'm getting better at it. Do you know why you're late?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I think, well, one, Saturday Night Live completely destroyed my relationship with time in that meetings that were supposed to begin at 3 p.m. would begin at 5 p.m. or 6 p.m. with no explanation or apology. So after a couple years there, I would meet people 45 minutes late and not think I needed to say anything regarding where I'd been. Wow. Yeah, and then I think I'm better.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I must think I'm better than everyone else. I mean, everyone else, I guess. What about having a kid now? A kid really puts you on a schedule, right? No, a kid put me on a schedule, and I have made a big resolution to be on time, be where I am.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I am a good swaddler. Yeah. I am a good swaddler. I learned to swaddle somewhat from Ozarks. You give a brief swaddle tutorial, if you recall.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I love the one where you're laundering all the money. Everyone's like, oh my God.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
They sure do. Is that right? Good at swaddling. I'm good at, I know when tummy time is over. Before little Malcolm gives me that look like, Jesus, man, you're going to get me out of here? I know it's time. I know that big head is starting to get a little tired of bobbing up and down. I probably am worse at,
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
overthinking how to approach him as an adolescent, which I really don't need to worry about for the next few years. But I'm constantly running scenarios of what kind of parent I'll be when he's 11, 12, 13.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Oh, just like, yeah. And will I be... In my mind, I was like, I'm going to be this semi-stern... I'm going to be this, like, I'm going to kind of be like my dad with him, and that's all falling apart in four months. I can't imagine ever criticizing anything this kid does or... But who do you, I mean, you know... Don't worry, it'll come.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Oh, that's a good question. She's such a wonderful mother and so nurturing and also... Here it comes.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Well... I mean, right now she's extremely nurturing, but she can be extremely organized. She has packing cubes. That was a good choice of words. Great choice.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Does that allow you to be- She's very organized, very disciplined in a way that I'm not. However, I don't know when it comes to Malcolm. The ideal I have for myself is that I come home in a suit, which is going to be hard working at home. Mm-hmm. and that there's some expectation of your dad is home and therefore that's intimidating, but I absolutely will never follow through on that.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yes, of course I got that. Well, Will and Jason, here's what I wonder. I remember a good friend of mine when we were six to his dad. He was so mad at his dad and he said, Sayonara, sucker motherfucker. And... And his dad acted mad. And as I've gotten older, I'm like, I don't know how I won't laugh if my kid ever tells me off.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
If Malcolm ever yells at me, it seems like such a funny moment that I won't be able to not laugh.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I love heckler stories. The best I got, I was doing Bonnaroo one year. I was doing, there was a big comedy tent at the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. And someone said, we've signed you up to do a show at the VIP camping ground, like the organizers of the festival. And I said, what's that about? And they said, just get on the back of this golf cart.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
And they drove so fast in the back of a golf cart, which is like falling out of a chair forever. And I get to this like I get to a plywood stage and there's all these RVs and there's like a micro brew truck giving out beer to these VIP glampers.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
And they had no idea someone had been brought in to do stand up. And they didn't ask for it. They didn't want it. They didn't like it. I was not someone they knew who that was. I was not someone people were excited to see. And I started doing standup and this guy yelled, I think I speak for everyone when I say we'd enjoy silence more than the sound of your voice. And it was so articulate.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It was very polite. How do you heckle back at that? I went, hey, fuck you.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, sayonara, sucker motherfucker. Jump on the back of the golf cart, speed away. That'd actually be a good, I might close a special with that. Sayonara, sucker. After a really gracious thank you to the audience, I turn around and then say sayonara, suckers.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, I mean there are – and it's kind of more of an older school thing. Like there were performers who had a lot of writers and there were – You know, I really don't hear about it much anymore. There are people who do stand-up who also do so many other types of sessions that acting sessions and directing sessions that they eventually have writers.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
But most people seem to... Why don't you go to an open session night?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, go to open session. I'd actually like to end stand-up the way my therapist ends sessions, which is, okay, we have to pause now. Yeah. And then just walk off stage.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
We could just do another one where we follow up on everything we didn't finish.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
You're the greatest, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I think it was Vivek Murthy who said to you guys, I've had a great time.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
You see the way he brought it all the way back around, you guys? This is what a pro does. That's how you end a session.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Is it drywall? Good question. Because I always thought it was the wall of a bathroom stall, which would be metal.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
On a separator, but you think maybe there'd be more grace and dignity to the glory hole where it's like there's no need to write crude things.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, and it's all love, and we're going to move through it with love.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
You don't need all the arrows and the innuendo and the little limericks, which are in poor taste.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Okay. I could see if they have those screens you sometimes see in elevators that give you, like, the news. You know, they give you, like, limited financial and entertainment news.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It is how you started with Vivek Murthy, I believe. I know. It's almost the exact same banter, which is a letdown.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I'm very, very flattered to be here. I've listened to, I think, almost every episode of this show. No, don't buy it.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
It is a little bit like, yeah, it's like going back to school in a way because you fall right back into the same like fall back into the same insecurities and securities.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
And in terms of doing the monologue, it's so scary and it's so many people that it's laughable. I think I get relaxed because if something went wrong, it would go so wrong. And there'd be no way around... No one could talk me down and go, it's okay that you accidentally... And you can't blame anyone else because you're writing your own monologue, right? Yes.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
And it's you right into the... Not right into the lens, but basically.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
You're right. I was hired as a writer. There you go. Okay. God, Sean.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Got it. Let me see. But, you know, also, they saw me on Conan O'Brien, but I was doing ASCAP monologues that same summer. When Amy and Seth were doing ASCAP a lot.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Which at that time was at 26th and 8th under Gristides. Yeah. And they might have... You know, I haven't, I think they kind of floated my name there as well. That seems familiar. Yeah. Because I knew some folks that were working there. And the desire was to be a writer or performer or both? No, I auditioned as a performer, but it's so, I don't know, there's so much, it's so fluid between the two.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
No, I'd been an intern at UCB, and I was taking classes there. When I first moved to New York in 2004, I was taking classes there, and I was an intern there, which meant I was taping garbage bags to the ceiling so that McDonald's water could leak down into the theater without splashing on the good folks.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, I started at 26 and 8th. I'd been to the first theater a couple times in college. And this was the second less fire hazard of the theaters. And I, yeah, so I was a janitor there on Saturday nights for, let's see, Respecto, were they that night?
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Okay, got it. And I would watch them as I taped the garbage bags to the ceiling, because water was actively leaking.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Let's see, Rob Hubel. He's great. Owen Burke. Great. And the rest. And all of them were in it.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
You're scented in that they say it. You ask. Yes. But you get it. People yell out multiple words and I would say you pick the one. closest to something you might have anything to say about.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
I mean, would it be fair to say, Will, that it could be a full story with an arc, but if you just gave details of anything, even if you just walked us through a procedure...
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Yeah, you're just trying to give, like, texture and details. I mean, they're not going to perform your story front to back.
SmartLess
"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"
Well, no, it was a gathering. ASCAP's a gathering of people, and it sounds like this is, too. Uh-huh.