Cam Patterson
Appearances
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I did not say his hair looked like it had AIDS. I said, it looked gay. That's what I said. I said, it looked gay as hell. Cut it off, you bitch nigga. That's what I said. I did y'all a favor. He did a good job. I'm proud of him. Let's talk about Trump. He's funny. He's funny to me. I'm not a political guy. I'm not very political.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
But it's very funny that he hired a 13-year-old kid with cancer to be the head of the Secret Service. That's funny as fuck to me. He likes it a lot. It's funny, because my grandma weird, she weird about it because the kid is black. She don't know how to feel. I was like, grandma, how do you feel about Trump hiring a black kid to be head of secret service because he has cancer?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And my grandma said, I don't give a fuck about that retard. And I said, grandma, he has cancer. And she went, same thing. No, it's not. Which is crazy, right? And what's funny to me, this is what I think about a lot. This makes me really happy. He don't know it's fake. he has no idea that he's not the head of the Secret Service. He think he runs the Secret Service.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What's funny is like Trump has got onto something that African niggas knew a long time ago. Child soldiers are amazing. You understand that? You fuck with Trump, I will kill your family, nigga. And I love it. It's pretty dope for me. And the last thing I want to say is, I've been thinking about this a lot.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's funny because last year, Trump got shot in the ear, and everybody was making fun because he had two women at Secret Service. And it's funny to think that instead of that, he was like, fuck all that bullshit. I'm going to hire a retarded 13-year-old nigga with cancer, because that's better with two women than a gun. You know what I'm saying? I said it backwards, but you get it.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Y'all don't see this nigga over here in jail? Y'all don't see him? He's been in jail closed the whole show. Oh, yeah. You don't see this white man in prison? No, I didn't.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, he gonna stab all of us. Either way. Either way, it's gonna be fun. Either way. What is he doing? He humping something. That was scary. The rest of my shit over here, that was terrifying. He humped the air over me. That was crazy. Fuck Ritz Voss first, please.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How we get gay so fast? How we get gay so fucking fast, man?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, they tried to charge me for it. They tried to charge me $2,000 for it. And we called them to a nice little dark room. And we got the website out of them. So it's good.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I thought he sold jewelry. That's what I thought. That was my guess. I thought he sold earrings and shit. Huh? Because it's fucking earrings, dickhead. Look at his earrings.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No. That's my accent. That's it. That's how I like it.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Hit her with that curry hammer, nigga. That's what I was gonna say.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Lizzo, Lizzo, hey, look, I ain't gonna hold you back. Wait, who? Madonna don't have no ass.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Adele? Yeah. You fucking with Lizzo? Hell yeah. I'd rather do Lizzo than Taylor. I broke the shit out of Lizzo now. Hell yeah, as long as I can find a hole. She got skinny a little bit. She's still big, but she got a little better. You think she's skinny? She was fat before. She is morbidly obese. No, she look better now. Look at Lizzo right now.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Back then, I would fucking not tell nobody, and now I will fucking tell somebody. You know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
With a vagina ear. You wouldn't even believe it. She can get fucked, though. I'll fuck the shit out of Lizzo right now. Okay, y'all not with me. Fuck out.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What'd I do to you? First thing he say is, Cam, fuck you.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Michael, what were you saying, Michael? He came to the show last week with a whole Gucci outfit on. Well, as easy as one, two, three. I was like, hey.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I said, hey, where you getting all this money from? And he looked me in my face and said, my investment paid off. Black rock.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm too drunk to respond to that right now, Tony. How you feel about that? You like black people? Oh, absolutely. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'll do your taxes for you. Don't worry about it. They said that shit look real good. It's whoopee right there. What'd you say? Boy, that outside is really fucked up, nigga.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Did you just use the word spunky, nigga? It's 2025. You just said spunky, nigga?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Why you pop that ass this way? You got no ass at all, man.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I think she escaped. I think she escaped. I don't think she's supposed to be free. I think this is an insane person. It's a mental patient. We need to help her right now. Why did they send you to prison at 17?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I be around the world now, so I be seeing shit now, but I know what a kolache is, nigga. How do you spell it? Fuck you. Hell, dog. See you. Wrong. See you. Oh, C-A, nigga, C-A.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Whoa, what are we talking about? What's going on? Who's sucking dick? What do you mean sucking dick? What's going on?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You did good. We had three lines. It took four days. Because reading is hard. I don't know if y'all know that or not. What are they?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I couldn't say carpal tunnel for fuck, man. It's two words. Carpal tunnel is two words? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I thought it was together. Two words? Yeah. Oh, I'm a dumbass. I haiku. Good to know. Thank you, John. Whoever said, spell it, I'll kill your grandma, nigga, I swear to God. Spell grandma. I can spell grandma. This is fun. G-A-R-A-M. Oh, my God. Oh, G-A-R-A-D-M-A.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I might have been drinking a little bit. Fuck y'all, man. Life is good. Your grandma has carpal tunnel. I can smell carpal tunnel. You don't believe me?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You can kick me in the dick for $500. I want half a million, nigga, and you can do whatever you want.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You going to a fat strip club or something? Yes. All right, listen, I got it. Carpal tunnel. Wait, so it's two words, right? Yeah. All right. First one, carpool.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Let me do it. I got it, I got it, I got it. Hold on, give me some. I got it, I got it. Here we go. C-A-R-P-A-L. That's carpool fuck, nigga. Yeah, that's one word. Here we go. Tunnel. Tunnel is easy. Here we go. Sure. T-U-N-N-L. Fuck you, bitch. E-L. Is that it? Carpal tunnel? Are you done guessing? I got the rest up here. Go. F-U-C-K-N-I-G-G-A. Carpal tunnel. Fuck, nigga. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Ain't Mario Italian, nigga? Yeah, yeah. Him and Luigi. Wasn't I supposed to say the M word is Trump?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, nigga, it's a dish. And you put, like, you got, like, little bacon bits in there. Oh, my God. That is incredible.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Type shit. Type shit. Hell, yeah. And y'all thought the same thing I was going to do there, huh? Fuck all y'all pussy ass people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's an asshole, right? Say it again. Say it again. A shfigatel. Oh, yeah. That motherfucker a shfigatel.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hell yeah. He just did a fucked up impression of me. That pissed me the fuck off. How you gonna beat me before I go up, you dirty bitch? That made me angry as shit. And Kamala said, what the fuck? I'm doing it right now, as you can tell. That's my voice, bitch. It's good, though. You know what's funny? I feel good doing comedy, dog.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I feel like I'm inspiring young black men to do better in life, dog. That's not funny, bitch. That's good, I am, like, I was walking down the street that day, a dude came up to me, said, but y'all understand something, bro? Like, seeing your ass do stand up and shit, like, cutting out the trenches, that made me want to change my life, like, real shit, dog.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Like, yesterday was my last day ever selling dope. And I was like, that's beautiful, dog, hell yeah. What do you do now? And he was like, I just do security and logistics. And I was like, what the fuck does that mean? And he said, nigga, I'm a pimp, I sell pussy. Which is insane, which is, like, I don't even, I don't think I helped him at all, dog. He went from drug trafficking to sex trafficking.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Nigga, that's crazy. That's worse, actually. I like telling that joke because half of y'all laugh because that's funny. And the rest of y'all was like, how the fuck this nigga know the word logistics? And... I'm done. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, it's the west side and then it's the east side, and there's a lot of Puerto Ricans and shit over there. And then the west side is black. Perfect. Where's Disney? See, this... Thank you for asking.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
But Disney not in fucking Orlando, though. Disney is 30 minutes away in Kissimmee. Wow.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Everybody go, Orlando is Disney. No, the fuck we not! Wow. Fucking... Fuck, fuck Disney World, nigga.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
They're 30 minutes away, so it's easy to be like, oh, it's Orlando, but it's at Kissimmee.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So everybody will say, yeah, yeah, it's in Orlando, but it's not. They keep Disney away from niggas like me, man.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Fuck no. Fuck Disney World. Why? It's pussy. It's for kids, man. And any grown adult that likes Disney past the age of four is fucking gay.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. Natron? Yeah, real shit. That's hilarious. That's real shit? Really? His name is Natron, yeah.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Only at the end, though. What does Natron do for a living? He do a lot of shit. He do about... Well, I got to stop talking about him on this show, because last time he got fired. But... But he do a bouncy house shit like that. A what? Like he got a bouncy house business. A bouncy house business? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
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KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
It was funny. You remember that? He's no longer with us. What did I say?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, just a bunch of unlocked cars and shit like that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He was the funniest nigga, like, ever, dog. I remember I was, when I first started on stand-up, he came back on stand-up with my dad and shit, and I told him, I said, you want to come down to town with me and, like, you know what I'm saying, like, just watch some shows? He said, where your shows at again? I said, they're downtown. He said, I can't do that, nigga.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
If I go with you downtown, you going to be doing your little funny shit, and I'm going to be looking back, well, okay, I'm smoking crack somewhere, so I really can't go with you. But I loved it. It was great. That wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be, but that's fine. I get it. That's okay. Sometimes it don't hit that well.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You can't make the funny faces to us. I wanted y'all to see me be retarded for a second. That was fun. It was good, man. This guy look aggravated. What's wrong with you, dickhead? I'm tired of this nigga, man. This lumberjack Texas fella.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I know no crackheads in my life, none. I can't do a white accent, I realize that. Wait, yeah, you really can.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Uh-uh. Wow. I can only do one impression. Yeah, what is it? It's a, you know, you ever seen Chowder?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, clam. It's an old cartoon show, and there was a dude under his name, Schnitzel, but he don't talk. All he said, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada. That's all I like. And he was black, but that's all he said, though. That's all, look it up, that's all he said. Rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada. I believe you. And he was black though, he was black.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
She was fine, fuck with it, I liked it a lot. It was just a black cartoon? No, it was a white, it was for everybody. They just had one black character? I mean, they was all like fictional niggas. They was like, you feel me?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hell, yeah. Street Ozempic is just heroin. I hope you know that. That's how that is. This is gonna be the happy St. Patrick's Day, white people. Hell, yeah. Yeah. I fucking hate this holiday. Nigga, it's terrible. It's the gayest holiday ever. It's an excuse for white people to get drunk and then try to touch you. That's all it is. Oh, you don't have on green, I see.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm gonna punch the fuck out you, Tim. Back the fuck up, nigga. I hate it. It's so... The mascot is gay. The mascot is gay. Yeah. Leprechauns are gay, man. Leprechaun was the first gay nigga ever. That's what that is. If you find me behind this rainbow, I got some gold for you. That's gay. There's gonna be a midget with his dick out when you get back there.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
With no gold, he's just gonna piss on you. That's all that's gonna happen. It's good old fashioned golden shower, brother. Even like how you spell leprechaun is gay. For real. Watch it. I'ma spell it. Watch this. L. GPTQ. That's gay. Nigga, gay as hell. Y'all thought I was finna spell leprechaun, huh? Fuck, nigga. This is crazy. That's it. That's the time.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, yeah. How's life going, my friend? Life's good. I just bought really good toilet paper the other day. Ooh, nice. And I'm excited about it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's that Sherman shit with the bear, nigga. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. We got the bear on it now. We're doing it. We're doing good shit.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Shit, that good old-fashioned... See, we always get Airbnbs on the road, and I just steal... Me and all my homies, we just steal the toilet paper from the Airbnbs. Wow. That's what we was doing, but now I got that Charmin. Wow. I think it's Charmin. You know what it's called? How you call it? Not Sherman. Sherman? Charmin. I like Sherman better. That's a better name for it. You know what?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You can call it whatever you want. Old-fashioned Charmin. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. I like it. Huh, Charmin? I cannot spell that note. Hell, fuck no. Hell, dog.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
My grandma hates you, nigga. She doesn't mean it. Yeah, the fuck she does.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, fuck! Can y'all tell I ran out of material yet? Nigga, I ain't got shit to say. I say this, I just learned how to do that backstage and I thought that was gonna be pretty fucking funny if I could've pulled it off. But it would've been cool to do that in like 1932. You take over a whole fucking town, nigga. They'll be like, this nigga's a witch and a nigga. What the fuck going on here, man?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I tell you this, I fucked Barack Obama, nigga. Not for the reasons you think, brother. That nigga was too happy. No, I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, even the president of the United States. And I was like, what is that? And then she said he made the rules for the country.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And Cam, you could even be the first black president of the United States. And then when I was in third grade in 2008, Barack Obama became the first black president, and that fuck nigga took my dreams from me. And I sold crack the next day. All right, that's it. I'm done.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
What the fuck? I think that's a great fucking joke. That's one of my favorite jokes. That's a great joke. All right, whatever you say, brother. I'll bet that bitch dressing like a motherfucker, Tony. I didn't have shit. I was like, this water thing ain't the only thing I have right now, I swear to God.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It almost worked. Were you using a napkin? What happened there? It was a magnet. It was supposed to be magic, nigga. I was doing magic. Cam, I'm just curious, what was supposed to happen with the Upside Down Cup? It was supposed to stay like that. And then what? And then that was it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I did that same thing in Boston, and they loved it, but they dumb, so it's... You did what, the water trick? Oh, they fucking lost their minds in Boston. You don't like it? No, what, the water trick? Yeah. Oh, I love the water trick. You love the water trick. I just learned that shit in Boston. It was dope.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I was so confident in it. I can't believe it. Not going to hold you. Listen, real shit, it was easy. I was going to do that. I was going to come up and just start jerking for like two minutes, nigga. That was it. That's all I had.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm telling you, the Obama joke is good. Man, that shit is terrible, nigga. Why? It's just not good. I don't got no beefs to it. It's not good. It's not good. We'll figure it out. Fuck it. It's all right. I think it was good. Yeah, it's good. Trust me, it's good. It's good.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, I got to follow the Star Spangled Banner, nigga. This crazy. Now, you know, I went back home for Christmas. It was great. My first thing about Christmas, I got a little money now, so I like to go give homeless people food and shit. But I like to play games with them.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So I went and got 100 pieces of chicken wings, and I went to a park with a bunch of homeless people, and I gave all the chicken wings to one homeless nigga. And I called it Cam's Hunger Games. May the odds be in your favor, nigga. My favorite thing was I realized that me and my family, we can't play charades. We don't play it right. It's not a good game for my family.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Because in charades, you can't really talk. You got to just act shit out. And my uncle got a card, and this is all he did, I swear to God. He just went... And then my auntie went, 2004. What the fuck that mean? I have no idea. My grandma just said, cocaine. And then nobody got it right, and I picked the card up, and the card said, penthouse.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I said, how did that even make sense to be a penthouse? And my uncle went, you don't get it? We got cocaine, strippers, and you upstairs. Got my time. I'll do that. Cam Patterson. What's up?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Life is good. Like, pretty great, man. You do have slides on you. Every time. Nigga, we did Madison Square Garden, but this shit pretty cool, though.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was finna get a pedicure, but my toes need armor. I realized that.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Do you sell cocaine, Joe Biden? Why you dressed like that, nigga?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Shit, nothing really. I did a show this weekend. My cousin brought her boyfriend, and she 22 and he 36, so we were trying to figure that out. I thought about killing him, but he was scary, so we couldn't do that. That wasn't a good option. Have you met him already? I just met him. Yeah, I met him this weekend. What was that like?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It was strange because he threatened to kill her brother, which is my other cousin, and I didn't know how to talk to that. You know what I'm saying? So that's going on right now. There's a lot going on. I don't know. I can't even make that funny. That's just life, nigga. What's that in your hand? He gave me a fruit by the foot. The old president, nigga.