JT pens an awkward apology to Patricia on this week’s Southern Charm, but he’s still the pariah, which means he misses out on a lightly awkward doggy birthday party. Plus, Sally makes her transition from Southern Hospitality to Charm with her big debut. Watch this recap as a video and get all of our bonus episodes over at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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I have credit.
I have credit. I have credit.
Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker. Joining me, Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie, how are you?
Hi, how are you?
I'm good. I'm on the threshold of a sneeze. And I'm like, is it going to happen?
Do it.
It's not going to happen.
No, it went away. It went away.
It got shot. Sneeze. So everyone, sneeze. We are so excited. We are approaching our Christmas break. It's our holiday break, actually, because Hanukkah is also going to happen during this week. So we're really excited about that. Today, we are recapping Southern Charm, which is very fun, very entertaining, and
And the big exciting thing is that all of our tickets are now on sale for Vegas and Texas shows and Charlotte, as well as all of our other shows. So those you can get at watchacrappins.com. Really excited. Come see us at all of our shows, especially the crappies on February 1st. I mean, we have, I think, I think like three quarters of the theaters already sold out. So yeah.
You don't wait too much longer. And then and we're really excited for our first Vegas show. And we're hoping to have two more cities to add to the tour. But that won't be until the new year because, you know, everyone's going everyone's shutting down next week. So in the meantime, they're shutting down already.
Have you been out to the world? I don't even, I can't even believe it's not on fire yet. Here's what people are doing on the road. They're just like, I'm done. It's Christmas. They're like, literally, it's like it's robots driving into trees is what it looks like. People just driving all over the road. Is anybody even there anymore? Today there was a checkout lady.
I think she tried to scan my head at the store. I was like, girl, we just all need to quit our jobs because it's over for all of us. And I feel bad for anyone listening to this podcast right now because this is going to be mayhem because Because this is one of our last things we're doing this week. We're doing this. Yeah, we're doing this.
And then we're going to do a summer house trailer trash for next week. And probably a bonus. So we'll be here all day still recording. But it is going to be Looney Tunes because we know this is it.
There won't be a Potomac recap on Monday because this is where we can recap our episode today. And we can take Monday off. So we're doing that summer house thing. But of course, the big news with Potomac is Karen Huger. So I think when you were talking about people driving all over the road, I'm like, are you sure you just weren't near Karen Huger?
It's just everybody has dropped the mic already. It's like work is already done for everybody. They're just done. But the Karen Huger thing, we won't be doing the Potomac recap, but we did do a mini recap of her arrest story. That's on our TikTok and our Instagram and our YouTube. So that should be up now. So go check that out for our take on that stuff.
And speaking of that, also, this is I swear this is not just a candid ploy to make you guys follow us on social media, although, you know, feel free to. But speaking of the crappies, we mentioned it all week, but just now our first story, our first thing is up. We are we want your input about story moments of the year, TV moments of the year. So anything on Bravo, Traders, also Love Island USA.
We want your TV moments of the year. So write it on a comment on the post that is up on our Instagram. And there'll be further posts going up over the course of the week. We really just need you guys to help us jog our memories. So that way, when we start making the initial ballot, it'll be easier for us and we don't leave anything out.
Okay, let's get on with the show, shall we? Southern Charm, season 10, episode 3, Gone to the Dogs. My first thought. God, the music on this show really is top notch. And we say it every season. They go above and beyond. I mean, you know, in old movies, how you see movies about how old movies were being made.
And you see basically a whole orchestra that just sitting there playing with the movie as it goes, you know, scoring it live. That's how the show really feels. And whoever is playing the instrument that goes, doink. What instrument is that? I forget what that's called. It's a percussion. Yeah. It's like a specific thing. Who plays that? Because they deserve a Grammy Award.
They're so talented with it. They did such a good job in this episode. And that's like JT's instrument. You know how they have like Peter and the Wolf and every character has its own instrument or whatever. Like someone's the flute. And then, you know, whatever. JT is that... So good. You guys are doing so good on this music. So, so good.
Also, another thing. So this episode gone to the dogs, you know, Lisa Vanderpump gets credit for being like the dog lady of Bravo. But the truth is, I don't know if there's any show that has more over the top dog events than Southern charm. I mean, we've had weddings, we had birthday parties.
I feel like every year there's some sort of like pageant or talent show or like, you know, WWE doggy wrestling moment. Like there's always some sort of crazy dog event on this show at all times.
But I think Lisa Vanderpump still wins the dog thing because this show isn't really trying to stop dogs from being turned into quesadillas. And Lisa Vanderpump is really big on, you know, keeping dogs out of the Subway sandwich shop. So I think that she wins. But, yeah, I love a good big dog event.
Yeah, because they all have dogs. There were so many dogs. I don't think I've ever seen so many dogs on screen on Bravo ever. That includes Lisa's, you know, various dog events where James lost, like, or James was DJing. It was like, did anyone lose their Toyota Camry keys? Hello. So big dog energy here. But before we get into that, we start with small dog energy.
It's not an opening montage unless we see Vanita doing something around her household while Charles watches. And in today's episode, it's her steaming her curtains and then steaming her pajamas and Charles looking as if like. Can we ever go outside nipples?
That's what I have to say, because I've tried to steam with my clothes on too. And that never works out for me. And I have little tiny nipples. They've turned into like little toaster toaster dots. And it's not fun because I have steamed my nipples. Okay. Not steamed them, but you know, you hit them with the iron part and your shirt.
Um, that's not good, but I like that this show is still just reminding us that Vinita is here every episode at the beginning. And then we never hear from her again. Like the last episode, she at least had a scene where she was talking to JT about how she wanted to go to lunch with him and stuff. But mostly it's like, here's Vanita steaming something. And then that's it.
You really never hear another peep. Yeah. Here's our resident dog talker tour.
I know. And then we have Taylor and Gaston. They're in her backyard. She has leaves everywhere. So he's come over with a leaf blower and he's going to get to work. I felt a little robbed. I felt like there were so many leaves. I was like, I kind of want to see those leaves get blown around. I kind of want to see what happens, you know?
Oh, you wanted the end of the storyline?
Well, I wanted to see... There were so many leaves. I wanted to see all the leaves go up in the air.
Like they opened... They established a shot with the leaves, but then they didn't show you what happened to the leaves. And so you feel... It was like a snow globe. It's like Chekhov's leaves. You're like, what the hell?
The leaves need to be... I felt like it was very much Chekhov's leaves. I felt like you sort of have said like, here, look at this beautiful snow globe made of leaves. Now we're going to shake it up and that's it. We don't get to see. I was like, I wanted to, I felt, I felt like it was probably so satisfying to blow all those leaves around because I recently got a leaf blower.
You can't, you can't introduce a leaf blower and not have it finish the job. Come on.
man this is drama seriously seriously well i will say this my uh suspicion is that gaston's just a user piece of trash douchebag because all we've seen of him what gives you that what gives you that impression he's named after the beauty and the beast character i don't care what anybody says from europe okay you're you that is a very common name where you're from in america he's a douchebag i'm sorry that's just how it is especially when he was born at the time he was born
If his parents are American-born parents, then those are people who named him after the character Gaston, which destined him to be a douchebag. Period. That's just it. You guys can argue with me all you want, but that is just the end of my story.
So anyway, Gaston's a douchebag just because of that, and also because he just kind of dates everybody who's TV-adjacent trying to get on these shows, and here he is. Now, that said, I would like to kind of hedge my bet... Well, okay, look, here's this. He's probably a douchebag, but, you know, he's a douchebag that I would keep in my house because he comes over with a leaf blower.
And you know what? You can use me, but if you're also doing services, then I feel it's fair.
Well, you know, that's another reason why we needed to see the conclusion of the scene is because we need to see how well he leaf blows. Because if he's just coming around and just moving the leads from one side to the next, then he's actually not useful at all. Then it's just a prop to earn, to win over people who are just happy that someone's doing a chore.
But like, if he's not doing the chore well, then that's not going to be worthwhile. I mean, Gaston, he has he has made an impression on two different Bravo shows already because obviously his debut off camera was on Southern Hospitality, which is also where we had Sally's debut. And then today is Sally's big episode.
And by the way, I just want to say I really enjoy Sally on Southern Charm way more than on Southern Hospitality. I think this was a good move for her.
Well, she didn't get to do anything on Southern Hospitality. She showed up, got slut-shamed, and got sent away. And that was pretty much it for her job there. She showed up as someone who banged Joe Bradley, and then he told her off because she also banged somebody else within, like, what, a 24-hour period that he knew. Like, didn't Gaston live downstairs? Yeah.
It was Gaston that he that she banged at that time. Right. So it was. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Sally. I mean, Sally was just making it to every Bravo show. She was just looking at production schedules, just showing up and doing what needed to be done. But yeah, they slut shamed her and then she was out. And I felt like that was unfair.
And she also, she not only got slut shamed, but she got guilted about disrespecting Joe's grandma's Parmesan because she taught him how to cook chicken Parmesan. Wasn't it that he cooked his grandma's special chicken Parmesan for Sally and then she did this to him?
Like Nana's chicken parmesan. It's Nana's chicken parmesan. Yeah. So there you go. You know what I like to think it was since I recently saw a little movie, a little indie movie called Wicked. I like to think that she showed up on Southern hospitality. And then basically Michelle Yeoh was like, wait a second, you're special.
We're gonna give you, I'm going to teach you privately and put you onto Southern charm. I'm gonna put you on the varsity level show. That's what happened. She wasn't slut shamed. She was just chosen to advance to a better show. Well, actually maybe not better show, a bigger show. So either way, leaf blowing, unsatisfying for me.
Then we go to Molly on the treadmill and she's running and she's like, I sound like a dying pig. And then finally we land at JT's apartment where he takes an insulin shot and then he sits down to write a letter to Patricia. I found this scene so stressful. I was so stressed out by the scene. It was like a combination of things. It was his handwriting. It was like, why are you writing so big?
You have a limited amount of space. Why did you not draft this ahead of time on your laptop and then transcribe it? All your word choices are so bad. Your handwriting is bad. The whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin.
Yeah, it was just so cringy because it's just one of those soap opera scenes which we see on these shows sometimes with people who really don't have anybody in their lives. I mean, we see it with Garcelle a lot. Like this week when she was like... Oh, here I am on the internet looking at the credits of my new film where I'm an executive producer, which touches me so deeply.
I wish my mother was here right now to watch me squeeze out this solitary tear. Wah, wah, wah, wah. And JT's having that scene right now by himself where he's like... Well, I guess I should take some insulin. Geez, now I must write a letter to Miss Patricia. Here I am taking a pen and putting it to paper. Who knows how to write a letter anymore? How shall I go about such a thing? Come on, guys.
Really? This is what we fall into on this show. And poor guy cannot write. He does not know how to string English together. And I blame George Bush. Who do you blame for the education system just taking a turn for the worst?
well i'm gonna blame the first good old-fashioned internet by the way first george bush wow it goes back one way guys it's been a long process it's turned us into morons well i think you could blame the inventor of the internet al gore the inventor of the because it was it's the rise of the laptops and whatnot actually you could probably blame bill gates too because about marijuana how about marijuana
I have to say cursive. Yeah. I have not written in cursive in so long. You know, we spent so much time learning cursive only to discard it. Oh man. But, um, yeah, I don't know who did this, but they're all to blame. Everyone's to blame for this. So he is, he's just writing these things like, Hey, I'm sorry for being an ignorant male. No, no, no. Okay. I'm going to start with all caps.
So he writes deer in all caps. Like, why are you doing that? Why are you screaming deer? He's like, no, no, no, it's offensive. Don't overthink it. Okay.
What is Karen driving down the road? That's what anyone in the car with Karen screams. Deer! Deer! Whoops, whoops. Get out of the road.
please accept this apology for my lack of respect at the carolina code so sure okay that's a good first line and then he goes and then he starts like saying my intent was meant my intent oh god a tent was meant meant intent oh god it doesn't make sense what am i right i'm like just right Dear Miss Patricia, I am terribly sorry that I offended you. You know, what I did was totally disrespectful.
It was an attempt to welcome you in on a joke, but I think it went way wrong and it was not worth it in the end. And any joke that you have to explain is not a good joke. And please accept my humblest apologies.
My intent was meant as a sign of inclusion and solidarity. What the fuck? That's not, that's, that is not it though.
Inclusion is solidarity. That is not what you say. It makes no sense.
It's so stupid. He's just idiotic. And the fact that he even sent this is more idiotic because most people would have the brain to be like, this is terrible. I'm going to write this first. I'm going to type this out and then I'm going to write it and send it. I mean, come on. Yes. But that he knew it was so bad and still sent it is sad.
Because she could forgive somebody who did something stupid, but she can't forgive an idiot. And she will never respect an idiot. Exactly. So he's a dummy. So he's like, but admittedly, wait, is that too much? Siri, how do I spell admittedly? It's crazy. It's a hilarious scene. And he didn't know how to spell it. So with warm regards, JT is basically it. So then we go with Shep and his dog.
And it's all scrunched up at the bottom, too, by the way, because the first two lines were written in gigantic handwriting. And then he had to squeeze in the with warm regards the bottom. It was just so childlike.
Stressful. I'm sorry. The sad stuff that's happening on this show. So Shep and little Craig are getting some food, and he orders his dog human food at the restaurant. He just orders the dog a meal, which Bueller, no. Bueller's not going to ever get it. I'll be like, are you hungry, honey? Here's a stick that I found on the ground. Enjoy that. Have you ever had a straw? It's delicious. Try it.
You should taste that.
Yeah, so they order food and Austin comes over and he's like, hey, by the way, what's your name, waitress? And she's like, Madison.
He goes, that's insane right now.
Your name is Madison also. He laughs. When he laughs, the mouth, the full mouth is open and he puts the tongue right in the middle.
This scene was a rough Austin scene because his entire mouth never stopped. His tongue just kept popping out of his mouth and his mouth kept like, like he was eating something kind of, but he wasn't like the food hadn't come yet. He was just doing like stage eating the whole time for some reason on the show. It was so obnoxious. It was hard to watch.
It was just like, he's doing extra work.
Yeah. It's just, what are you doing? Yeah. It seemed like someone said, okay, you're just standing around a party eating a sandwich. And he's just like, Of course, eating it very impolitely as he does. Only on this show do I say things like impolitely. Who gives a fuck?
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okay so anyway so chef's like oh gosh i'm sorry it's just there's there's history with the name madison here you guys have over women of every single name okay there's not a waitress in the world that hasn't had a name of somebody that you haven't over so stop acting like you're uncomfortable with this particular one jesus christ what do you have a conniption fit every time you pass a keychain rack with names on it
You fucked over every name in the name dick scenario.
So, um, so Austin's like, you know, there used to be a time where like the name like triggered me, like, you know, and that was just like no way to live. But like, sometimes I think about like, I think about like the joy and the peace that, uh, that Audrey brings me, which I've never had before.
Yeah, well, it's easier with a 20-year-old, you fuckwit. Oh, and also, I felt like this was a gift to us. You know, it's the audience, but especially me and Ben, because this is our favorite thing about Austin.
Madison! Madison!
Madison! And we got a full Madison montage of Austin squeezing his wiener, going, Madison, you're a saint right now!
And then just... It was an exasperated Madison montage. It was our favorite.
So editors, thank you. I took it personally. I took it as a gift. And thank you. I know it's delusional, but I don't even care. I loved it. So then we see a flashback of Audrey and Austin having lunch. I mean, these two are so meant to be together because Austin's like, well, you have big, big brown eyes like a little baby baby.
Oh God, get out of the road.
I don't know. Sorry. That was dangerous. And she's like, she's like a deer. And he goes, yeah, searching for the nearest espresso martini. Well,
so then we didn't make any sense then we go back to lunch and austin's like he's like so what's going on dude like what's wrong with you and sienna oh gosh i really like her she's got this amazing you know war about her and we see pics i know then we see pics of them all together and they're you know their food arrives and everything and she and he's like but i i do think about the future with her a hundred percent i think about
How many times I could yell at her over backyard games. Oh my God, it'll be great.
I'm sure she sees a future with you too. A future of cleaning your ass and helping you downstairs. You old bastard. Okay. And you know that Ori you see about her? It's called youth. It's like a video game when you're dying and you're looking around for something that's pulsing with any kind of life that you could swallow to give you a little bit more. Yeah. Okay. That's what you're seeing.
You're seeing the glow of a MediPak in Call of Duty.
I think you're seeing the glow of someone who's gorgeous, who could be modeling for Banana Republic, who's actually decided to like actually look your way. And has not been disgusted by you yet. That's the glow you're seeing.
And Austin's like, that's great, bro.
And he's like, I mean, look, we've been lucky enough to have many wonderful girls come through our lives. To all the girls I've garshed before.
who've traveled in and cursed my doors it's just not exciting anymore and i'll say that you know just like a new conquest or whatever it just isn't and you know shep is really leaning into his like just an innocent little boy thing because his eyes are wide open this whole episode where he's like this girl's just so sweet golly gee what could i do to make her happy course
And, and they're also doing this, like, like having this faux moment of having any sort of perspective on life. Cause Austin's like, yeah. Like, especially like if you have to like a string of those, like wonderful girls, like you just like wake up feeling emptier than fucking ever, man. I'm like, well, if they're so wonderful, why do you have a string of them?
Then why don't you just like end with your wonderful one? So Shep is like,
Yeah, that's what we were missing in our friendship before.
We were too scared to be vulnerable. So these two num nuts are going through the paces of pop psychology to explain away why they've been fuckboys. They just weren't vulnerable before, but now they are vulnerable, which means that they've just so happened to found two gorgeous negative 22-year-olds who... is now the culmination of their personal development.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, some people think vulnerability isn't manly. Well, fuck that.
Okay, now you're going to be vulnerable because you found a Miss Bahamas.
You fucking... Give me a break, bro. Sir, you are the one who's invulnerable. You're the one who's mocking Craig for his saying, etc. I mean, like, say what you will about Craig. I do think Craig is pretty vulnerable. I mean, he's a complete liar, but he's vulnerable, you know, to Nigerian email scams.
What are you talking about?
You don't think Craig's vulnerable? I think it takes some vulnerability to say, to go on to a show that's like very old school and say like, I want to sew for the rest of my life. I think that's like, because he got mocked relentlessly for it. And then, you know, now he's showing everyone, you know, now he's making money off of it. But
maybe it's not emotionally vulnerable it's just that he opened himself up for mockery is that still vulnerable then maybe that's just i think gre i think i look at craig as just one of the trickier people because he's he's more manipulative like he's better at manipulating than everybody else craig's still a monster i love that people are so snowed by craig you know because he's so charming and adorable and he is his his good qualities i think are really good i think they outweigh his bad that we've seen on this show but his bad are pretty bad too
It wasn't that long ago that he was on Winter House throwing his cash at people going, I'm too rich to clean. And my parents were maids. I'm not cleaning another thing. That was literally five minutes ago. So, I mean, everybody is so quick to forget on Bravo, but I'm not. I'm that elephant who trampled the old lady in the village.
Oh, we got an email from one of our recappers, Shelby, which was so funny. And I didn't even write back, which is so rude. So consider this your write back, Shelby. But she was like, oh, I wanted to update you on that story about the elephant who trampled who was trampled by. I wanted to update you on that story about the old lady that was trampled by the elephant. whose son that she killed.
This old lady killed an elephant's kid and the elephant trampled the old lady. Okay, she goes, so I want to follow up. Not only did she trample the old lady, she showed up at her funeral and trampled everybody at the funeral too. Isn't that good? I want a poster of that fucking elephant. Okay? Yeah, that elephant is really... That's an amazing elephant.
The elephant will be played by Madeline Stowe, I feel like. So anyway, but yeah, vulnerable or not, they're going to talk shit about Craig now.
So the chef's like, I mean, I'm vulnerable and nobody wants to be vulnerable. I mean, look at Craig. He's never even confided in you about Paige, for example.
Oh, yeah. Okay. So that means that Paige is less. Craig is less vulnerable than you, who's been vulnerable for five minutes. Okay. Then I changed my answer before. Craig is definitely 100 times more vulnerable than any of the other guys on this show.
Um, I, just because Craig does not share his personal life with two toxic twits who will use any shred against him to bring him down because there are two crabs with crabs in a bucket does not mean that he's invulnerable. It just means he's selective and he's smart about who he shares with.
Yeah. So then Austin's like, he hasn't talked to me. He hasn't talked to me about anything. Not recently. You know, he's extremely wrapped up, Craig. And he's so reclusive. You know, he's like Howard Hughes. Yeah. Playboy, right? No. Vietnam War? No. Does he own the things like the IHOPs? No, that's Howard Johnson's. I don't know. God, I'm hungry. Can I get a Grand Slam? That's Denny's.
Oh, he goes running quacks a lot?
No, that's Howard the Duck.
So Austin's like, you're right. Because Craig used to be the first fucking call. He was the first fucking call on my call list. But now, he doesn't even answer the phone. I miss him. I miss him. No. Oh, my God. Can we just start focusing on Austin above the nose? Can we just have the camera there? Can we just have Austin be like the neighbor on Home Improvements?
He's just always behind a fence because I can't watch that mouth moving anymore. I can't.
Yeah, it's just, it's very distracting. It's just like a lot of circles and pointy things coming at you. So Shep is like, I just feel like he's trying to curate an image like he's starring in his own commercial. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, he literally is doing that. That's like what we saw.
The season opens with him, like flashbacks of him holding pillows because he's literally shooting a commercial. He's starring in his own commercial because he has a business that he needs a commercial for.
It makes sense. So Austin's like, you know, it's kind of like a big old man PR move. Like, if you see him with a beer in his hand, like he thinks they're like his whole business is going down. His whole business is going down. And he's like, yeah, well, you remember when he was on Adderall to the gills at that time? And he lied about everything, basically.
Yeah, it's called getting your shit together. Like, it's so funny that Shep is still all these years later trying to bring somebody down instead of doing literally anything for himself.
nothing have you done anything go to a community college learn to do something like make an effort like leave craig alone for christ's sake yeah this this argument is such a funny argument to me they're like god look at craig it's like he's trying to curate this image of himself we all know what he's really like because remember when he used to do adderall up to like his eyeballs it's like yeah this is someone who's like oh
I'm doing too much Adderall. I got to turn things around. They're like, why would you turn things around? Gosh.
I mean, Craig's not vulnerable like us.
I mean, he quit drinking. He quit doing drugs. He's got a job and a career and a steady girlfriend. What a loser.
Gosh. Gosh. And Austin's like, tells us, the thing about Craig is he has worn so many hats. Meanwhile, Austin, by the way, has fallen into some sort of tanning bed, because he looks, I don't know what's going on with his skin, but it's like he's turned into a big patch of leather. So he's like, he's worn so many hats.
He used to run around the King Street and drink so many Jager Bombs and vodka Red Bulls, and then he's like, oh, I want to be a lawyer, okay? And then he's trying to be like, oh, I'm Martha Stewart. It's like, at least he had a hat to wear. We're still trying to find some felt so we can patch something on top of your Tucker Carlson hair.
It is really funny, though, seeing Craig's TikTok. Because we're making fun of how everything's business now. We just see one of Craig's commercials, and he's like, our bedding is, like, so soft. It's hand-picked by me. Yeah. Cheese boards. Big beverage dispensers. Look, I'm going to pop something in my mouth. Ow. Ow. All right. Well, I shouldn't have tried that one. That was a beer can.
That hurt. Can we do that one over again? Craig, it's your TikTok, stupid. Okay, I won't publish it.
No, to be fair, Craig is definitely leaning into this like, look at me. I'm sweet, nice Craig. I love Christmas. I love pillows. I love candlesticks. I love curtains. I love candlesticks. I love curtains. I love... Craig, Craig, stop it.
Stop, stop. It's over. The TikTok's over, Craig. Okay. Love you, chicken. Love you too, Craig. I love candlesticks. Craig.
So Austin's just like, I miss my buddy too. I miss him. That's all I'm saying. I miss my buddy too.
Yeah, he's like, you know, Martha Stewart is like best friends with Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart's been to fucking jail. Martha Stewart's cool as shit. Craig just wants to sell spatulas with like a nutcracker on them. I'm like, it's better than whatever the hell Trap Hop is these days.
Whatever it was. so they you know um they're like well craig doesn't like us anymore is basically the thing so shep calls craig and he gets sent right to voicemail and then we go to craig and pages and craig is skimming the pool whatever craig did in that backyard is fantastic i have to say that looks amazing as someone who's currently trying to get a deck finished
You know, today's the last day of my deck. All the guys are out there right now. There's a whole team. There's a Russian team. There's a Filipino team. There's a Hispanic team. All the guys are out there today. It's like literally corners of all the world back there are working their ass off doing this deck. We're doing lighting. We're doing all this stuff. It is hard, okay? It is hard.
And I saw Craig's, and I was like, wow, that is...
stunning like how does he do that i'm broke like i'm literally broke and mine is going to be possibly mediocre if i try really hard how do you do that his is like the garden of fucking eden bro whatever i want that well it's right come over i'm sorry what i said earlier about you about being a douchebag and throwing your money at people come on put some plants out for me babe
Well, first of all, it's probably 10 times cheaper in Charleston. Second of all, that's pretty much it.
Oh, thanks. Okay, so then he's with Paige. And this scene is the funniest thing because Paige is just sitting at the pool dressed like she's in Hello Darling. I mean, she looks adorable. And she, you know, she always looks adorable. It's good to see Paige on TV. It's been a while. I love Paige. Right? Because Summer House ended a while ago, and I just haven't seen her in a while.
And it's good to see her. She's so cute. So she was sitting there on the phone. Huh? She's so good. She's sitting there scowling at her phone. She's scowling at her phone and just swiping like a teenager. And he's like, hey, babe, I'm skimming the pool. She's like, isn't this nice, babe? Yeah. You know what? Me and Paige, we used to party and stuff, but why would we even need to?
Because now we just hang out together. We're so happy just being together. Hey, honey, what do you want to do later? Shut up, Craig. Love you, babe. Right.
Okay. Paige looks absolutely thrilled to be sitting there. She's like, wow, this is great. I spend my weekends in a remote house in eastern Long Island sitting by a pool while an idiot wanders around. And now I come down here to sit by a pool in a remote location while an idiot wanders around a pool. Thanks.
Not like I need to do things like go shopping or be around civilization. Thanks, Greg. Thanks. I enjoy it back here.
So Craig's like, you know, there's a corner of the green that's a little dirty. Should I blow it off? No. We have such a sanctuary here. Shut up, Craig. So Madison comes over.
Craig, oh, my gosh. Look at me, Paige. Paige, look at this.
And they're in the matching bikini with cover up thing.
Yeah, they were in the same outfit and Paige is just so happy that there's someone that's not Craig to talk to. She's like, oh my God, thank God you're here. I was losing my mind. Do you know how many questions I've had to answer about skimming pools?
It is really funny because she's on her phone. She won't even look at Craig that whole time. He's like, love you, honey. She's like, whatever, shut up, Craig. And then Madison comes in and she just like immediately like swipes down her phone and puts it down.
So what's the pass?
Let's talk guys. If she comes to life. It's so funny. It's like someone plugged her in and she's like, okay, I'm back to life. Stupid's done. Craig, stop talking. Great. Madison, fill me in.
Also, I am like forever like charmed by how Craig loves to see if Paige is happy about something. So like when Madison walks in, he immediately pivots around and looks at Paige with a big smile being like, I bet she's smiling. He's like... And he's like, he's like, oh my God, she's smiling all the time.
This was so funny too. Cause they're literally like, are you ready to hang out? And they're like, yeah, let's hang out. And so the girls take off their coverups and then Craig takes off his shirt and then they just stand there in the same positions.
Okay. We're ready.
We're hanging out now, guys. We've, we've moved, we've removed some clothing. Let's talk. So they start chatting and Paige starts ordering him around for pasta salad and stuff.
So then he pulls out a pasta salad out of nowhere. By the way, that was like food network. She was like, Craig, you can bring out the pasta salad. He's like, okay. And he like reaches down and a pasta salad just like materializes. I was like, what? Where'd that come from?
So he's like, well, I told Paige about Patricia's. Oh, girl. It's like, I'm just saying like JT's saying crazy shit. The only sentence that Craig said to me was like, oh my God, JT said to people like JT and Madison hooked up and I go, no one thinks that genuinely.
That's insane. I mean, hey, he's a troll for God's sake. Look at him.
And Paige is like, I mean, you're like someone's mom, like their hot mom with great taste in fashion. Yeah.
And wife. Well, you know, he was a friend of mine for a minute, but him talking about my marriage, that feels like a tossing of the corn. It's a slap in the face. I'm going to have it.
You ain't going to disrespect my boyfriend and you ain't going to disrespect corn.
Like, who gave him the audacity to say anything about anyone?
I mean, admittedly, that's what I do all the time at my show. But I also, like, am cute, and he's like a troll.
And so Madison's like, yeah, well, wrong person, my friend. Okay, haven't you been around this group? You know, like, don't come knocking at my door. Like, literally, don't come knocking at my door. Otherwise, I'm going to have my husband beat you in the face.
Well, anyway, he'll have to have you and Brett and Hudson come over and swim. We'll have to have you. And Craig's like, yeah, how are you? And she's like, great. But, you know, Brett has, she just drops it.
She's like, well, you know, I could, you know, he's got thyroid cancer.
They're like, what? She's like, yeah, I know. But, you know, she's saying you don't just want everybody, especially people in this group, really involved in your shit, you know? And I guess I don't blame them.
Craig apparently already knew, but I guess he had forgotten to tell Paige. He goes, remember chicken? He had cancer, which is such a strange sentence to say. Remember chicken?
He had cancer. Did you not know? She goes, no. But it also could have been something that he was telling her like, babe, did you know that Brett had cancer? Oh my God, that's terrible. While she's just scrolling through her phone.
You know what I mean? It's like, babe, these trees keep like putting leaves in the pool and I'm just like skimming and skimming and skimming. That's great, Craig. And skimming and Brett has cancer. And I'm just like, oh my God, so many leaves in the pool. That's great, Craig. He just inserts it in.
Yeah, just drops it in there somewhere.
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We know you're listening because you can't get enough drama.
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Your gift to Planned Parenthood helps all people, no matter their race, sexual orientation, gender identity, zip code, income, or immigration status, get affordable, high-quality care without judgment, stigma, or drama. So don't wait. Make your gift now at plannedparenthood.org. So Madison says that keeping something like that private was necessary.
Um, cause she just didn't want all that outside, outside noise, but he's okay now. And he's gonna be taking medication for the rest of his life. And he's in remission. And it's just been like a shitty couple of months.
And so Madison says, that's why with JT, after hearing what he's saying about us was like, I was like, I don't want to associate with my guy. This is like, it's like succotash. It's like an affront to corn. Yeah. Last thing I know, he's some weasel in the middle of it all. Like, this is real life shit. I'm going through real life shit.
And Paige is like, how dare he insinuate that you might find him attractive? This is disgusting. I mean, what's, okay. Pretend I'm Barbara Walters. Okay, this is a microphone. What made you cry harder? Finding out your boyfriend has cancer or JT thinking that you would sleep with him? Be honest.
Honestly, it was that one. That was hard. It's hard to think. Am I losing my looks? Does he think I'm down at his level now? So...
While she is completely in the right, she just really goes solo. Like, it becomes so mean that I'm like, oh, God, poor JT. I mean, it really is just like, he's ugly. He's disgusting. What is he trying to do? Chase children off of his bridge? I mean, Jesus Christ, what a troll.
disgusting yeah JT's in a bad place because he you know the old phrase the opposite of love is not hate it's indifference and I feel like everyone seems kind of just like a little indifferent and like ugh whatever he's like they're like dismissing him they're not like I hate JT I mean even though she just said it you get the sense like they have closed the gates on JT it's not like there's feuds they've just basically said yeah you've you tried to come on to our show you messed it up so we're gonna you can go now
And that's hard.
You can't come back from that. You can't come back.
And it's not only like, you know, you were a jerk for saying something. It's like, you're a jerk for even having the audacity to think I would ever be attracted to someone as ugly as you, which is just like, yikes. I mean, that takes it to a different level where I'm like, please don't make me feel bad for JT. Because that's not the spot I think you want the audience to be in at this point.
Like, you guys are on the level where you're getting what you want, but don't take it so far that everybody's going to switch around and then feel sorry for JT, you know?
Yeah, because I was actually, by the end of the episode, I was kind of feeling sorry for him. I was like, damn. Because Greg really fucked his shit up, right? Because, like, this stuff with Madison is so stupid. Like, he shouldn't have even, like, he's ridiculous for even thinking it. But Craig going around saying that JT called Patricia a bitch,
Like that's like character assassination right there. And he's not going to be able to come back from that ever. Like the well has been poisoned, if that's a phrase.
So now let's go to Wolfgang. It's a dog store. It's a dog store, guys. Don't worry. No one's playing the piano here. Okay. No one is playing the piano. So it's the most effervescent gaze of our lives. Rodrigo and Tyler. Let's do it. Let's do this, guys. Let's do it. Smells delicious in here. Thank you. It's a secret. Oh, no, it's the lady who works there. She goes, thank you. It's a secret.
It's wet dog hair. Y'all get it right, you're gays. And they're like, that's so funny. So we're having a 13th birthday party for our dog, Bella. So we wanted some treats we could serve them. Do you have cakes? We do. Peanut butter, oats, doggy dog, dog, dog, dog, wet hair cakes. We can try that again. You got anybody? Gay laughter? No? Okay.
Well, you're taking the fun right out of the word gay, aren't you? It just means homosexuals now, doesn't it? Okay, well, I'll just stick with that then.
Tyler and I have been together for nine years, and we've been asked about a million times if we're going to have children, mainly from Patricia. I think her exact words are, well, we know Whitney ain't dropping any sperm anytime soon, so what about you two gays? And I said, listen, no, just dogs.
So he finds a little cowboy hat for a dog. And he's like, this is because we're going to have an inspiration with Dolly Parton. So we're going to have our party called Doggy Parton. And she's like, oh, that is the least gay name I've ever heard anybody come up with. I mean, you even made Dolly Parton sound unfun.
Can I find funner gays?
Okay? Okay, you can order a tiny cowboy hat. I'm going to go here on Postmates and see if I can order some fun gays. Okay? Let's see what gets here quicker.
Tyler and I, I think we're really happy with just adopting senior dogs. That's where we shine. But we see an adorable picture. Oh, yeah. Here's an adorable picture of Bella and Bo. They require not as much attention as children. So, I mean, we're good. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Doggy pardon. We're really into senior dogs.
You know, like, it's really fun, like, playing with them for a minute. But it's really good when you get to put them down. Like, what? I've never heard of a fixation. I mean, it's nice. It's nice, right? But it's also like, what? I've just never heard of that. We're really into adopting senior dogs.
I haven't heard that either. I'm wondering, though. My first thought was that they're saying they're into old dogs. But then I'm wondering, because they say in a little bit about how they're a dog. Basically, they adopted it from an elderly lady who couldn't take care of her dog anymore. So maybe they adopt dogs from seniors? Oh, that's cute. I don't know.
That is actually nice because, yeah, they did say that they adopted this from an older woman who passed away. That is actually really cute.
My first thought was, though, like an old dog with a cane. Or it could be like dogs that are about to graduate high school.
Here's what I really like. I like a dog that snores really loudly all day. Which I have to say, Bueller's in that era right now. Well, he was born in 2012. So what does that make him? That makes him 12, right? So he's 12. I keep saying 13, but I think he's 12. So Bueller is in that kind of old man state right now.
And it is a nice stage to own a dog because it's literally it's like, hey, you have to throw the ball two times a day. That's it. Because he's exhausted after that. And then all he does is lay there and snore and look cute and then cuddle with me. That's great. I mean, that's a really cute era for a dog, you know. Yeah, no, that's, that, that.
Do not leave me.
Maybe I, maybe I, maybe senior dogs would be more my speed.
Bro, I think we're talking ourself into senior dogs right now. I'm like, these guys are so stupid getting senior dogs. What senior dog? Now I'm like, I want old ass dogs only for the rest of my life. This is like a good trend.
Yeah. Yeah, I think it sounds great. Now, what if they mean senior dogs like these are dogs that are going off to college as their senior year and all they want to do is party and go to the prom. These are prom ready dogs. I don't want those dogs.
I do not want those dogs. They're the worst. Yeah, I don't want those. They're just humping every pillow. You can't get a new pillow from HomeGoods because they're humping it. It's like, that is not your girlfriend.
I know. You know, I would get the dog that'd be like wear a little beret that's like, I just got into NYU. Yeah, I'm going to Tisch. I'm like, you're not your dog. Yeah.
You're doing kegs, you're doing like milk bone stands on your head. So- I would get like the president of the drama club dog. So they're going to have 12 dogs at this party. And Tyler was like, well, what about humans? Is anyone's going to come? Or I mean, like, what's that about?
And he's like, well, you know, after talking to Austin, we just felt like it was better to like pump the brakes on having JT there, you know?
and um so we so tyler's like well so he's in the dog house is that what you're saying and the lady's like that was an attempt you attempted something and for that here here's a milk bone it's milk bone with the bow on it okay put it in your hair just you know just keep calling yourself gay and trying maybe you know what fake it till you make it that's what i say gays um you know what
JT has really bungled his season so far. That's undeniable. But Rodrigo deciding to ban JT from the stupid party because of a conversation he had with Austin. I just feel like you should never use Austin as your primary evidence or reasoning as why to not invite someone. Now, I'm assuming Austin told him that JT called Miss Patricia a bitch and no one wants to get onto Patricia's bad side, right?
But I still am like, I'm like...
all of a sudden look at this austin all of a sudden is now like just oh yeah good old austin like people just forget he don't forget everyone he's a douchebag and you shouldn't be going to him to find out who should be coming to your party right but austin did tell him that he called patricia a bitch and you know any gay in town's gonna be like oh yeah you don't fuck with that oh yeah i'm sorry you will not be coming yeah he told him so he's like here's the scene right here yeah we see a flashback literally he is banned so then we go to patricia and whitney's house and um
A letter comes through the mail slot and Patricia goes, that's the mail slot.
That's also where Randy gets his lunches.
That's where I put Randy's hand through and then I walk to the other end of it and just start hitting it with butter knives until it does what I want.
When it's time for him to have his dinner, I said, put your mouth up against the mail slot and we just pour frozen peas down it.
Well, I can see what it is, mother. I just, it's a, it's a, it's a, a navy blue envelope with a black pen. So you got to look at it like a hydroglyphics, but it says, I think to miss Patricia from JT. Well, how does he expect anyone to see this? Randy, get in here. Sorry, ma'am. I'm still tied to the radiator. God damn it. Randy, untie yourself.
I need more help. All right, I'm going to read this. Let me put it on my readers. Okay. All right. So, dear Miss Patricia, please accept this apology for the lack of respect at the Carolina Cup. Carolina Cup. My intent was meant as a sign of inclusion and solidarity. Inclusion, because you know the word inclusion is like a curse word in the South, okay? Okay.
That's the last thing they want to hear in the South. I'm not doing it. State's rights, am I right? Hey, Whitney, could you press that little button next to you on the coffee table? Sure, Mom. That was so funny. I had some ice water hanging in a bucket above where Randy is tied up. So funny. All right. So let's read the rest of this. Well, inclusion. Okay.
Well, I didn't realize he was giving everybody a cane. But, I mean, I can still do handstands and cartwheels and push buttons. Watch.
Ah!
I'm pretty sure last season, Patricia's storyline was that she was stuck in bed with a back injury. But either way, it was rude. It was definitely a rude and terrible joke on JT's part. So Patricia's like, now, you know, she finishes reading the letter, which says, admittedly, I most certainly missed the mark, and I apologize for that. With warm regards, JT.
And then she just gives a look to Whitney like,
what a pussy she's an icon she really does and they don't get it she goes oh my god look at the handwriting yeah it's exactly like you said if she thinks you're an idiot it doesn't matter what you write yeah and when he's like looks looks like it was written by a 10 year old J.T., you know, he's just like an annoying gnat.
I mean, I don't know anything that he could say or write that would interest me at this point. But letter writing is a lost art form. So in that respect, it is a nice gesture. Now, can he write? No. But he tried. I like that she at least gave him that point, you know.
apparently another lost art form is giving your mother grandchildren whitney mother it's not about me right now so it's like mother is it is it is it even confirmed that he called you a bitch well i'm assuming it's true but i don't know because it wouldn't be the first time that's for sure i mean city council just convened last week good lord half of the
meeting was spent calling me a bitch so you know getting lines what i say you know lines are a lost art form so lord knows that hint that handwriting needed a few lines to write on
So Whitney is like, I don't think JT is the kind of person who would call a woman a bitch. And throughout the years, Craig has had a tenuous relationship with reality and the truth.
So we see that scene of Craig in 2017 talking to his therapist, who basically looks like shocked Pikachu the entire time. He's like, yeah, I can convince a lot of people of anything I want to convince them of because I'm a great liar. And she's just like. Do you really?
when he's like it comes back and when he's like she really has a lot of expressions uh i remember recapping that episode we were dying laughing through that whole thing just based on her licks alone so funny yeah she was amazing so whitney is like oh this letter is clearly heartfelt so i'll give him the benefit of the doubt i mean i don't know i've got bigger things to think about like why i put so much fasting on my face for this interview but whatever
Yeah. So Patricia's like, oh, you know, I hate, I hate, you know, I know that you hate when I speak French, but listen, the aim now is just an intent cordial. So just to be cordial is what I'm trying to say. And he's like, okay. Homewards and upwards, you know. Oh, right, right. Mother, say it. All right, Whitney. Jesus Christ, you overeducated little fucker. Go impregnate somebody already.
I'm exhausted.
So now we go over to Shep's house and Sienna's there and they are coming home. They've got some coffee and croissants, which sounds great. And Shep was like, would you like to talk about your sleep or lack thereof? Let me guess, you stayed up late watching the riveting documentary, The Vietnam War by Ken Burns. She's like, no, it's because Craig was farting in my face all night.
He's so invulnerable.
No, you're a dog, Craig.
Oh, oh, yeah.
So they make small talk. He's like, I'm just so glad you're here. She's like, me too. So he's like, yeah, I just I've never dated anyone quite like Sienna. She walks into a room and you're like, whoa, who's this? Thankfully, she's always wearing a sash.
So, you know.
and it's not just because she's gorgeous but she just has an energy and a spirit and a joy which i'm super drawn to and she lives in the bahamas and every time we have a weekend together i'm just like wow oh god i just don't feel like this way very often i'm a little boy who's happy so he's like i want to come down there you know for a little while she goes okay that would be fun and you're like maybe a month and she's like uh
well i have this fantasy basically you know in my mind we're not living in the bahamas with her for the rest of my life and i just surf and i fish and we'll have kids or something they'll run around the island you know i just oh god chef of course that's you're sorry craig did it first craig did it first sorry craig did the like eat pray love and bahamas thing and came back and started a business so find a new fantasy correct uh shep
Yeah, I just... I don't know. I kind of feel bad for Shep, but then, I don't know. Then I'm like, you're just wasting your time. Stop falling into the trap. I need to stop falling into the trap. It's just so sad. It's a midlife crisis.
That's what it's called. So Shep is like, well, enough about us. Let's start with Rod and Tyler's dog party.
Okay, so you're going to meet everyone, including my ex, Taylor.
And it's fine, I think. I don't know if she'll have a boyfriend with her, but if she does, even better. And she's like, whatever. I don't really care that much. Oh, it's so profound. And Sienna's like, c'est la vie. Mother, stop speaking French.
When did you get out of my room? Wow, c'est la vie. I can't believe you know that. How's your French?
And she's like, j'ai parlé français, tout le monde.
Oh, wow, Goosebumpios, am I right? Entente!
So now we, uh, Molly and Sally go for a walk around that one square pond that they sometimes walk around on this show. Cause they've got nothing else to do. So, um, Molly and Sally are walking and you know, I'm talking about, dude, that's like, I feel like Olivia and Taylor walked around it last season. Everyone goes there. It's the pond. It's the pond that everyone likes walking around.
So square Paul, uh, pond or whatever.
Yeah. Yeah. So Molly's talking about how she met Sally working at Republic. So I'm sure if we go back in our Southern Hospitality recaps, we probably saw Molly and we're like, look at that girl. She looks so bored. So she's saying that they were both front door VIP.
And oddly enough, they didn't show any footage of Sally being front door because that was a whole thing on last season on Southern Hospitality. They didn't cross purpose, but. whatever.
I'll bet they did actually. Cause they showed a couple of, of door girls that we didn't see. I wonder if they were like trying to try, decide which show to put them on. Cause there's a lot of cross poly here.
Hmm.
Yeah. So we also like that. That's my industry term. Cross poly guys. That's what we, that's how we say it in the end.
Yeah. Or it's how you just wrap a girl named Polly. He gets mad. Yeah. So, Molly.
Polly, who likes to cross streams with other girls named Polly.
Yeah. But now we're talking about Molly, not Polly. And Molly is talking about Sally. And Molly has this to say about Sally, which is that Sally, for her day job, she teaches searches how to use surgical robots, which is pretty cool.
That is pretty cool, actually. I was not expecting that. I was absolutely not expecting that. And so her and Gaston are both kind of in the medical industry. Who knew? I thought you were just supposed to be bimbo trash to be on this show. And I mean, both of them, himbo bimbo trash, you know, but no, they're like, actually, they got it going.
Now, how long before she gives that up to try and sell spritzers to Leva? Who knows? We'll see. Oh, gosh. I forgot. They're talking. It's so funny that Taylor's still on this show because she really is just like a wet blanket. She's like... Yeah. So it's like crazy. She sells medical devices. It's so neat. So like, what's it like? Oh no, this isn't her. Who's she with? She's with Molly.
Sally is kind of like this too. They've got a lot of, they've got a lot of blondes who are, they've got a lot of monotone blondes happening right now on the show.
yeah so um basically they're talking about the boys and molly's like you know whitney can be an insensitive asshole but whatever i could just kind of talk my way around it in my head like maybe he's just flirting when he's calling me fat oh fine love that for me great love that
And Sally's like, did you smack him? I would have smacked him when he said that. She's like, no, because I would have eaten three right in front of him. Molly's like, well, honestly, I feel like I stopped eating after he said that. And I was like, nah, I don't want to eat that cupcake. And Sally's like, well, just don't take it to heart. That was stupid.
and molly that molly's excusing it she's like you know when he could be an insensitive but i kind of like talk my way around it in my head maybe that's what i was just saying like maybe he's just flirting you know like i love that for me so then molly's like yeah okay well shep you know shep was talking about you a little bit she's like well what'd he say so then um we see um
Shep and Sally were telling the same story about each other.
So Shep's telling it like, whoa, Mustang Sally, she used me and I liked it. Roar!
And Sally's like, yeah, it was like two in the morning and he like wouldn't leave my place.
And so then Flash, Shep's version is like, yeah, but I was like, I want to stay here.
And she's like, no, you're not staying here. Who can you believe in?
She's like, I was like, Shep, I'm getting you an Uber. Please get your man stank out of my bed.
So I get in the Uber and the Uber's like, what's up, bro? And I'm like, something just happened.
Shep, like, I'm sorry, you're just, like, not the kind of guy that I see myself with. I'm not interested in human puddles. So, yeah, you have to go.
Yeah, Taylor said that he maybe isn't the kind of guy who cares the most about pleasing a woman.
And Stella's like, I'm not saying, like, I regret it or anything, but I definitely was not bragging about it. Okay, I've been with Gaston.
Okay, I know what dreams are really like. So now they start talking about the dog party. Is Gaston going to be there with Taylor? And Sally's like, oh my God. Like, obviously I don't have anything good to say about him, but like, that's my story. You know, that doesn't have to be Taylor's story because me and Gaston dated for three months and he was like my person.
You know how you are when you're dating somebody for three months. Like you're my person. We were basically married, but you know, um, he was cheating the whole time, but it doesn't mean he's cheating on Taylor. I mean,
And Molly's like, you and Taylor, you know, you guys obviously have a similar taste in men, I guess. And Sally's like, yeah, I just think we could bond over a lot of stuff. I don't know. Like, do I want to see her boyfriend? No, not really. So basically they're setting up that there could be a tense moment at this dog party. And speaking of which, Taylor is getting ready.
We see her getting ready and she's being on a hat. So she FaceTimes Gaston to find out what he's up to. And he's not terribly interested. In fact, he doesn't even go to this party in this episode because he doesn't want to be around that whole group.
Yeah, which is weird because I thought he was thirsty to be on TV. So I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm not reading the situation properly. Is he waiting for his moment? Like, what's he doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, you thirsty man?
He probably doesn't want to be confronted about his own cheating, etc., So Taylor's like, she's trying to like show off like her outfit and everything. And, you know, they're like, okay, cool. And she says to us, Gaston's like a little cutthroat of a human being, which is like a weird thing to say. And by the way, also not an attractive quality.
What?
These are his boundaries. Yeah. He's cutthroat. Yeah. Forgiving spirit. What? I don't know. Forgiving spirit.
I don't need that. Yeah. Taylor, Taylor doesn't really know how to pick them. So let's see how this goes. So now it's the doggy part in time. And so we hear the story about the gays adopting the dog from an elderly woman who couldn't take care of the dogs anymore. And so he's like, yeah, I love dogs more than humans. So, well, yeah, look at the humans you hang out with. I don't blame you.
Yeah. I think that humans are more like dogs and the dogs are more like humans on this show. So Taylor arrives and people just sort of showing up and saying hi and everything. And Taylor's asking about like, who's coming. And Rodrigo says, Molly's coming in and she has to bring Sally, et cetera. And Taylor just says that was, it was awkward. And she says,
All I know is that this girl hooked up with Shep, and then after that, she hooked up with Gaston in hopes that he would keep her around, and he didn't. I was like, okay, don't act like you won a prize by getting Gaston, okay?
Yeah. So now more people arise, arise, arrive. They're arising! People start coming out of the ground.
So then Madison's like, well, I do think it's a bad sign that Gaston, is that his name? Gaston. I don't know.
I don't know if he even exists. Well, he's not here. I mean, who is he? Is he real? And then Molly and Sally come and I don't know. It's an arrival scene. You know how it goes. So Sally's like, so Taylor, it just keeps cutting to Taylor to make like drama. Like, oh, Sally just came in. Let's get Taylor's reaction. But Taylor's just like sitting there kind of bucktoothed like,
And then they'll show Sally hugging somebody, and then it'll cut back to Taylor, and Taylor's just sitting there with a deadpan. It's so funny. They're trying to make Taylor into this huge soap opera star, and there's literally nothing there. It's like the shades are down, you know?
She's just so awkward. Even at the end of her last scene with Gaston, like, she gets off the phone with Gaston, and then she still keeps looking at her phone, and it goes... Yeah. So, okay. You're not on the phone with anyone, Taylor. Who are you talking to right now? There's just something so awkward and sad about her.
So Sally then talks like there's this, then there's like a sort of a awkwardness with Taylor and Sally at the party. And Sally's like, she tells us, okay, I fuck Shep. Okay, cool. That was your ex. You fuck Gaston. Cool. That was my ex. We're even. We're even.
So then Taylor is dressed like Bret Michaels and she's like, yeah, rock of love, baby.
And would make sense that she watched that show. And then Leva shows up. How dare you?
You swallow your goddamn words.
Rock of Love was not great.
That was an amazing piece of television. That was Americana. What are you, even an American? Get out. Get out of my country. You don't belong here anymore. I'm done with you.
I'm done. It was definitely not. What was the one with what's his face? I can't remember people's names anymore.
Rock of Love was amazing. I hope they do it again. Diabetes. I love that show. Diabetes. Diabetes. I got diabetes. So then, you know, lots of small talk and stuff like that. Love It Comes. And, of course, she's super fun. She's like, like your cowboy hat. And Roderick goes, like, yeah, we stood up all night bedazzling it. She goes, really? He goes, no, we bought it like this. She's like, oh.
just you know barrel of fun so then um uh we see little craig i mean everything's like super cute guys so now leva's like oh my god is shep coming with little craig and tyler's like yeah and then are they bringing the girlfriend what's going on what's going on what's going on with jt and so jt rodrigo's like i'm not inviting him you know like there was a certain level of bombast that wasn't necessary
That's fair. That's fair. I mean, this is a guy who showed up to this Carolina Cup with canes for everyone. And it's like he's just like he is over the top. JT is constantly trying to have a TV moment, which is his biggest failing. And it drives me nuts because I feel like there was a lot of potential for him. And so, you know, it doesn't drive me nuts.
Phrases like there was a certain level of bombast that wasn't necessary there. So I need more of that in my life. I'm going to start talking like the people in these shows. Like, well, man, could we could we lighten up with the bombast?
When a phrase like that is uttered by like a sweater gay, it's really devastating. You know, like there's just a certain level of bombast. We don't act like that. So love is like, well, I just hate anyone feeling excluded. You know, in our friend group, if we were going to be like, we're not going to be friends with someone because they did something wrong, then none of us would be friends.
Okay, lady that won't hide Mia and what's her buns back on Southern hospitality over a fairly minor infraction. Okay. There we go.
That's right. Because of Leah CEO. So then Rodrigo, he's basically like, yeah, but he called her a bitch. He called Miss Patricia a bitch and live at love. I was like, I can't even imagine that. Like, I've never even heard him say that word. Like he would always talk when he, when he would talk about Madison, he always talked about brand Madison and their lovely family. He was always respectful.
So this is just like really, really wild.
So she's like, I don't know. Let's just play the devil's advocate. And Taylor's like, yeah, that's just not JT. I mean, his whole storyline last year was standing up for the women. So the fact that he's just coming around and being like, that woman's a bitch and this one wants to fuck me is weird. But to be fair, JT's annoying, but he didn't say that he thinks Madison is trying to fuck him.
And that's what everybody else is saying. They're saying that he's assuming that Madison wants to fuck him. That's not what he was saying. He's saying... The boyfriend thinks that he was doing something or he was acting fishy or inappropriate with Madison. And that's what he's being called about. It's not that Madison would want to fuck him. It's that the boyfriend is suspicious. That's weird.
Yes. Which is true. Which we find out is completely true.
Yeah, kind of.
So Madison's like, I honestly just want to shut this down. I mean, anytime I hear someone that's talking bad about me and my family, the first thing I'm going to do is address it head on. I'm going to go straight to the person and we're cutting off the head of that snake, that beta snake. Okay, if you're an alpha snake, that's one thing, but you're a beta snake. You're just a little garden snake.
Die, beta snake. Die, beta.
So I'm the original beta blocker. So then Leva is talking to Taylor and they're talking about the girlfriend, Shep's girlfriend, and she hasn't met her. And Leva's like, is that his girlfriend? And Taylor's like, I think that's one on his roster. And it's like, and then it cuts to her soap opera face, which is like this. It's like she just sharted.
It's just that plane, like one tooth sticking out, staring off into the distance.
It was sweet, though. Little Craig does come bounding over to Taylor to say hi. He's like, my mommy. And then now Madison's talking to Sienna, and she's like, so?
Did you just travel here? Is that what he said?
Are you a beta? Just tell me right now. Are you a beta? Are you an alpha? I need to know if I can hang out with you. Sienna's like, yeah, I just got in last night at 12. Sounds like alpha behavior. Okay, you're approved.
So, yeah, Madison's like, yeah, this is not what I was expecting. She's like way too pretty for Shep. I mean, here's Taylor, dressed like Bret Michaels. And then you have a supermodel walk in and you're like, look at that over there. Yeah.
so chef is like chef is like hey sally i'm happy to see you thank you i'm happy to see that you're friendly with taylor by the way she's like oh yeah i mean yeah but like i hate her boyfriend so oh yeah well you're not alone you're like If you were alone, you could be like home alone. Gosh, sorry. That's like my spirit animal.
Cause I'm a little boy in a house alone and robbers are trying to get me. Oh, I'm spiraling. What am I saying? I have to stop. How do I get off this carousel? Right, Sally, help me, Sally.
Ow! I tripped over a rope and it dropped a paint can on my head.
Garsh! So he's like, you know, I haven't heard good things about Gaston.
If he was a stock, all the analysts are saying, sell! I haven't met one analyst who said, buy! I'll leave it at that. I wouldn't buy that stock with my daddy's money.
Let me tell you something. The man of Southern charm. I think we could just say universally bear market. It's a bear market. It's not just Gaston.
Okay.
So then Tyler is asking Taylor, she's met Sienna yet. So she's like, no, that I should, but I don't want to like go up to her, you know, like say what? Like, hi, nice to meet you. So, so, I mean, I talked to Shep, but like, I would feel more comfortable if he was like, I want to introduce you. But of course he's being awkward. Cause like, I don't want to be awkward. Just introduce me.
Like, I don't care. Like, what am I awkward? I'm not, I'm totally fine. Look at me. I'm totally fine. I'm great. Everything's great. Yeah.
I don't want to just like go up to her and just be like, hi, nice to meet you. And she turns, goes, hi, nice to meet you. She literally goes, I think that cause Rodrigo was bringing her over, but it was just so funny. She's like, no, I don't want to just like be high. And then she does exactly what she does within a heartbeat.
I'm seeing this funny. Cause she goes, oh, hi, I've heard so much about you. She goes, oh, thank you. Well, hopefully good things. And she goes, mostly. Yeah.
Taylor's like, oh, that was like, oh, damn, Sienna. And she does have this big smile on her face. And Taylor goes, yeah, mostly, hopefully. I mean, that's when Taylor's supposed to say, well, that's great. I haven't heard anything about you, actually.
I know it seemed like she was being bitchy to Taylor, but I took it as her bonding with Taylor being bitchy about Shep, almost, in a way, if that makes any sense. She was like, yeah, of course he's bitching. What an idiot. You know what I mean? But I don't know. So I'm hoping it was that way. I guess I'm hoping that she's more of a girl's girl. But then Madison's like, oh, okay.
So they're like, I guess we'll see how this turns out. So then Sienna motions to Shep and Taylor and she's like, oh, wow, look at you guys. You have the same scarf on because they're both wearing a red bandana.
And Shep's like, oh, well, this wasn't coordinated. Barely know her. Who is she? I don't know.
So then Austin's like, that's super awkward, but I guess I'll watch. Yeah. So then Sienna's like, so you guys are, oh, and your dogs are matching too. Wow. Okay. That's cool. It's kind of cute. Kind of funny. Raising some red flags for me, but that's okay.
Yeah. And that was pretty creepy. So then Molly's like, are you okay? She was asking Taylor. She goes, yeah. I mean, I just met Shep's girlfriend, question mark. And Molly's like, well, I asked Whitney how long they'd been seeing each other. And he said six months. And Molly's like, no matter how over someone you are, like seeing a guy walk in like that, that's rough.
I mean, that can be triggering. You know, it can be bringing up old wounds. I mean, I wouldn't like it. That girl's hot. That girl's hot.
Oh, wazoo.
That girl's hot.
So then we go to JT's apartment where he's there alone and he opens up a package and he's like, so is this a fun device or something cool? A book? No, it's Dustbuster. It's not fun. Excuse me, sir. A Dustbuster is a tremendous amount of fun. And I don't know where you are getting your notions of what is right and wrong, but you are really failing this season.
If this was Southern Hospitality, TJ would have just splooged all over the screen.
Yeah, I love every time. I got a Dustbuster, my first ever Dustbuster. I got it about a year and a half ago. I keep it right in my kitchen. And anytime there's like flour on the counter or anything, I just go. And it is just so fun every single time. It's fun every single time. Never gets old.
So I just love that he narrates his own life for the TV. He's just so awkward at this, you know? So then we go to him calling Madison.
Oh, because by the way, I guess the dog party's over. I thought this was a cutaway, but it turns out the dog party's over because nothing really happened.
Yeah, nothing really happened. But a lot of intrigue of people meeting people and people. And this is very ensemble-y today, the way they're doing the show today. They literally show everybody on the show and then bring them all together. And everyone's awkward because everyone's new to each other. So it's actually kind of a reset this season, which is odd.
It's like a bunch of the same people, but they're all in new situations. And I don't know, they did a pretty good job setting up a new season.
Yeah, new class, too. They're doing a good job of layering in new people in a way that Vanderpump Rules had kind of failed, which is why Vanderpump Rules isn't... What happened to Vanderpump Rules is that they just were never able to get really any good new talent beyond Lala and James and then Brittany.
Those are the only three major new additions, I think, that I can think of over the course of the show. But this show has been really good about layering in new people. Every season, there's sort of a new batch of people that just sort of... You're always like, why are they on this show? But they just sort of force them on us.
Well, this time they're doing a good job because they're not just – usually they try and mix them with a more powerful person or a person who's been there longer, right? So it's like Taylor can only be shot with Shep in some way or Austin. They have to be shot with somebody big. And this time they're just like, okay, let's just have a scene of the newbies at the dog store.
And then let's have a scene with these newbies taking a walk around the lake. Like they don't care. They're just like – We're just going to let, we don't care if the audience doesn't know them. We'll just let them figure it out. I mean, it's interesting. It's an interesting way to do it. It's pretty good. I think it's working so far.
Yeah. And let's have Vanita steam her drapes. Poor Vanita.
Yeah. They're like, let's just put random people walking around. Not Vanita though. You know, let's just keep Vanita steaming a shirt. We got the steam. That was pretty good. All right. That's good math, guys. So Madison and JC go to meet up at a coffee shop and it's, I was mad.
I just want to say I was mad. Sorry to interrupt when she called JT and said like, Hey, do you want to, you want to meet me to have some coffee? I was like, and then you're supposed to say the next, the, you were supposed to say why you're going to have coffee. There's a certain thing you're supposed to say on the show. And not once did you say, I was just in the neighborhood.
No kidding. but we do get the Amazon package. So that's good. Cause JT is opening the Amazon package. So, uh, so they go meet at this coffee shop and, um, he's like, I'm just going to have some water. You know what? Tea would be welcomed. Okay. Can you just order the fucking tea, bro? So he goes out and, um, this is awkward as hell. This scene, this is so awkward. Um,
So we see flashbacks to what he's talking about, the Craig stuff and all that. So Madison's like, well, you know, I feel blindsided that I thought we were friends. It has never been anything more than that. And I'm sorry, J.D., but are you blind? Have you seen my husband? Do you really think that for one second I would trade corn for... For an avocado? I mean, look at yourself.
You can't even be left out on the counter for a day without turning squishy.
Nobody wants you, avocado, okay? I was born for corn, and my husband is corn. You are hideous. You are disgusting. You have the face of a dog and a beaver mixed.
You look like a dog and a beaver made a baby, and it's disgusting. Go build a dam and chase a stick, beaver dog, okay? Leave me alone.
And he's like, but when you FaceTimed me, I was confused. And she goes, oh, well, JT, the one time that we called you, it was because he was like, well, wait, who was in your room late at night? And I said, it was just a bunch of people that came back to my room. It was never just me and you. And so then he was asking if you were alone with JT.
Dun, dun, dun, JT was correct. What JC was right, JT said was right. He did call and he did insinuate that something might have been going on with them. So that was weird. Now, the fact that he came on and went so hard with it with Craig and Austin was not the best way to go about it and really stupid. And I hate even sticking up for JT, but he wasn't really wrong.
Yeah. Well, then she clarifies to us and she says that like every night she calls Brett and then one night she didn't call. And so she thinks that maybe Brett was just trying to confirm that it wasn't just me and Austin hanging out drinking red wine and eating McDonald's in the bed. So then Brett...
By the way, how offensive is this? So he is jealous, but also what's really probably devastating, and you see that JT has just like really been dissed. Like JT is really being not only read for filth, but just talked down to and just such a bad, like it's demeaning, you know? And I'm laughing at this JT, but it's also sad. And it's so sad because it's not only like,
I don't want this whole thing wasn't about me wanting to Brett being jealous of you. Who would be jealous of you? This whole thing was about Brett being jealous of Austin. And that's like, ouch, that's really an out, you know, and you just see his face fall. He's like, yeah, I have no idea. Like, he's like, I'm going to go out of here limping on both legs.
Yeah. He's like, I just felt uncomfortable with all those questions, and then everything changed with you. Like, what did I do wrong? I mean, you mean-girled me. And I'm like, why is my friend mean-girling me? She goes, you know what? I think Aston might have been right about you this whole entire time, because you are not a gentleman. You call Patricia a bitch, and you're the bitch.
And he's like, what? What are you talking about? I don't believe I've ever called that woman that word. She goes, well, that's what I've heard, and I believe everything I hear. So JT basically tells us he would never call Patricia a bitch because he doesn't call women bitches because one time when he was little, he's like, you know how little boys like to challenge their moms?
Well, I remember one day I said, can we go to 7-Eleven? I want a Slurpee. And she said, no. And I said, mom, you're a bitch. I mean, I said it right in front of Poppy Seed. I couldn't even believe it. And that was the last time I ever used that word, if you know what I'm saying.
Let me tell you what happened when I called mom the B word. Can I get some help from the orchestra? Thank you. I think enough is said there. So he basically says, listen, I'm sorry. I said what I said to the boys about how I received the FaceTime call, and I didn't know how to handle it. And I wish I'd come to you. And I'd like to leave it there. This does not need to go further.
And she goes, wow, you are unbelievable. I thought that was a pretty good apology. I mean, what the hell? I thought so, too. She said, I don't even know why I'm wasting my time. Because she has decided now he sucks. She needs somebody to hate on this show. Madison's really nothing without somebody to hate on. And she's got him. And she's like, I'm not letting this go, basically.
Thanks for nothing. I'm going to torture you now for the rest of the season. Have fun, sucker. But also, we have to remember, this is Craig's fault for how he set everything up. And in this moment, she's just like, I'm not believing you, you thirsty idiot. You called her a bitch. You basically insinuated I was a slut, and you're not going to talk your way out of it.
So I don't know that I even blame her because Craig set it up in such a way that he's really not going to get out of this hole, right?
Yeah, and it's also, to be quite frank, I think it's unnatural for Madison to side perpetually with JT over Austin. She is someone who wants to be around an alpha, and I think she does view JT as a beta.
So as much as she can't stand Austin, as much as they've quote-unquote made peace, I think she still hates Austin, but she will still ultimately gravitate towards alpha energy before she, you know, Puts all her eggs in a beta basket.
The beta basket, y'all.
Okay, well, thanks so much for being here, everybody. We will be back with Southern Charm in a couple of weeks when it comes back. And we sure love you guys. Have an amazing holiday, an amazing new year. We love you guys. Thank you for everything you do for us on this show. You know, you give us the best life. So thank you for being here with us. We really appreciate you guys, and we love you.
Thank you so much. And we still have plenty of shows next week. So stay tuned.
Yes, there will be a break for us, a few days for us. But Krappens will be on every day of the week, baby. So come on back. We'll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.
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