Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller’s boyfriend can’t do the dishes. Our second caller is wondering if she’s too dickmatized by the last guy she was talking to. And, our third caller is struggling to set boundaries with her mom. “You're still talking as if there is something to hold on to." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to asknick@theviallfiles.com to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to asknick@theviallfiles.com with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on this podcast please email: ad-sales@libsyn.com or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: FOX Entertainment - Don’t miss the all-new season of Farmer Wants A Wife Thursday on FOX Grammarly - Get more done with Grammarly. Download Grammarly for FREE at https://grammarly.com/podcast Quince-For your next trip, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from Quince. Go to https://quince.com/viall for 365 day returns, plus free shipping on your order. Pretty Litter - Pretty Litter helps keep your house smell fresh and clean. Try and you’ll love it! Go to https://prettylitter.com/viall to save twenty percent on your FIRST order and get a free cat toy. Rosetta Stone - The Viall Files listeners can grab Rosetta Stone’s LIFETIME Membership for 50% OFF! That’s unlimited access to 25 language courses for life! Visit https://www.rosettastone.com/viall to get started and claim your 50% off TODAY! SKIMS - Check out SKIMS best intimates including the Fits Everybody Collection and more at https://www.skims.com/viall #skimspartner Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:40) - Caller One (48:16) - Caller Two (01:16:28) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: What challenges does Ryan face in her relationship?
If you really wanted to rattle him, I would kick him out. I would replace him and find a roommate. I mean, my point is, you are going to have to do something drastic. It sounds like because reason and asking and pleading and even begging hasn't changed anything. All he does is say sorry and he'll try better.
But I'm assuming at this point, it must feel insulting for him to keep apologizing and saying he's sorry and feeling bad while simultaneously not doing anything. It's not that hard to do a dish. It's just not that hard. And he doesn't have to do dishes.
I'm guessing if all he did was find two or three things that he took ownership of and helped around the house and went out of his way to say, how can I help? It would change everything drastically. And that is truly bare minimum shit. And he's not even willing to do bare minimum shit.
I had a conversation with him and it was probably the most productive a conversation has felt. And like, I'm just such at my breaking point that I will take anything, any effort to And we came up with a big three, which was, I don't expect you to do the deep cleans. I honestly find those days to be very enjoyable.
I put my headphones in, I get down and dirty, you know, and his big three could be helping with the dishes, taking the trash out and like just general pick up your clothes off the floor kind of thing. That conversation was probably two or three weeks ago. And I felt like it was a very tangible, he could, that was a three things he could check off and it still hasn't gotten any better.
Again, you're still trying to parent him. That's what a parent would do with a child, right? And the only thing that's different between you and a parent is you can't punish him. You can't tell him to go in the corner or sit in his room or whatever. But you gotta stop being his mom. And you're still being his mom. And it shouldn't be that hard to ask your partner to do some basic shit.
And I get it. He's a nice guy. He's nice to his niece. But I've never heard a therapist or a relationship expert say, just make sure they're nice to their nieces.
you know like obviously if he was a dick to his nieces fine but like you know some uncles aren't as like you know they're just like yeah I got nieces they're nice I wish them well on their birthday I don't think I'm ever gonna win uncle of the year I've never been like Mr. like you know take my nieces to a place you know I don't know I just I haven't you know I think I'm nice but I'm not like Mr. outgoing uncle you know
Um, but I tell you what, when it comes to my house, I, I participate. I'm a partner. I, we do things together. Sometimes we do them literally together. Sometimes we divide and conquer, but we raise our daughter together. We, we, we take care of our house together. Like we both feel like we do our part because we, we do, we both do our part, you know, and that, that is such a big deal. Yeah.
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Chapter 2: Why does Ryan's boyfriend struggle with household chores?
My goal is to get her to be more open-minded to things that she thinks she understands but doesn't and just not be so judgmental of my decisions in my life, my choices, and not inserting her opinion every time she feels the need to and trust my judgment, really.
Okay. I think that's your problem. What I mean by that is, bear with me here, but you called in and your headline was, I need help setting boundaries with my mom.
Yeah.
Then you told a little bit of your story, a little background, your boyfriend. Then I asked, what is your... goal with your mom. And your goal was, I basically want my mom to change. I want my mom to see the world a little differently. I want her to be more empathetic. I want her to agree with me. I'm paraphrasing what you said.
But listen, that's a very different goal than just simply setting a boundary with your mom. And that's why I think you're having such a hard time setting a boundary with your mom because that's not really your goal. You said you're a therapist. You went to school for therapy. You're yeah. Right. So, you know that. Right. You don't need me telling that.
But obviously, you're emotionally connected to the situation. And so you're having a harder time to see it clearly. But it's just much harder. You know, like I'm not saying it's impossible, but that's why you're struggling because you're saying it is like, oh, I just want my mom to respect my boundaries.
And what you're really saying is I want my mom to kind of like evolve and grow and maybe recognize that, you know, maybe she's older and has more lived experience than me, but I need her to recognize that maybe I know a little bit too. And I've gone to school and I studied mental health and maybe she's not always right. And I would like her to recognize that.
And I would like her to give my boyfriend more of a benefit of the doubt. And I'd like, you know, you know what I'm saying? That's what I'm really hearing from you.
Yeah. And that's that's very true. I have said those exact words. I need her to change in order for this relationship to get fixed because we used to be very, very close. Like I told her more than most people probably think I should. And then I think that's where the disconnect is, is now I'm completely pulling back because I just don't feel like she supports me.
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Chapter 3: How does Ryan's boyfriend's upbringing affect their relationship?
Uh, but after she leaves, you can say, Hey, I really did not appreciate blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to invite you back anymore until I feel more respected in what you can say to your mom. If you have to say anything at all. And here's the big difference.
Cause right now you're like, mom, I want to talk to you about how I want you to be around me so I can be, it's just mom, you're negotiating with her. Don't do that. You're like, mom, you know, this is where you set the boundary. You don't get to treat me that way. You know, like I'm an adult person. I'm, I'm happy with my choices. I don't need you to be happy with my choices.
I do miss our relationship and I miss my friend, but things have changed. You know, I'm an adult and I no longer care. need your permission or approval to make decisions for myself. I'm okay with that. And I still want to be able to ask your advice, mom, because I do respect you. And more than anyone, you're the person's advice I care about the most, but I don't always have to take your advice.
And when I don't take your advice, you need to be okay with that because I know I am, and I'm just not going to hear it. And if you keep acting this way around me and my boyfriend, the only thing that's going to happen is we're going to lose our relationship, and we're going to be less close. And that's up to you, mom, because I hate that we've gotten this far, but the choice is yours.
And that's you setting that boundary and communicating exactly what will happen if your mom doesn't respect that boundary and then you simply need to follow through. But there's a big difference between that and then pleading with her and saying, please do this, or I need you to come around and please like him and please be nice to my boyfriend. You don't need your mom to do any of those things.
Yep. You're right. Those were the words that I needed to figure out in here because that's what I need to do. And once I say it, I have to enforce it.
Okay.
Well, thank you. I really appreciate it.
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