The Viall Files
E869 Ask Nick - Can I Win Her Back?
Mon, 20 Jan
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Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller found another woman’s underwear in her boyfriend’s dresser and thinks he may be cheating. Our second caller is wondering if she’s getting ghosted or is doing the one ghosting. And, our third caller’s girlfriend broke up with him and he doesn’t know how to move forward. “If he’s really lying, then I’m gonna find out.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: SKIMS - Check out the Fits Everybody Collection at https://www.skims.com/viall Mack Weldon - Get the perfect gifts for him from Mack Weldon. https://mackweldon.com and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code VIALL FirstLeaf - Go to https://tryfirstleaf.com/viall to sign up and you’ll get your first SIX handpicked bottles for just $44.95. IQ Bar - IQBAR is offering our special podcast listeners twenty percent off all IQBAR products, plus get FREE shipping. To get your 20% off, just text FILES to 64-000. Message and data rates may apply. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: What should I do if I find someone else's underwear in my boyfriend's drawer?
The first one, the one lie that I found, I didn't at first because I was so like, that was weird. I was almost like whiplash of two lies. And I was like, what the heck? Like, I didn't even know how to react. So I kept my mouth shut, kept eating. And that was it.
Then there was one, there was an incident where, you know, sometimes like on, you know, on our Saturday nights, we stay up, we play cards and whatever. We ended up staying up really late one night and we're about to go to bed. I look over and he's over on Snapchat, texting on Snapchat. So I did. Right then and there, I called him out. I said, who are you possibly talking to at 2 a.m.?
On Snapchat. He said, on Snapchat. So he, and this I felt was a lie as well, but he's doubling down. He said his friend wanted to see a picture of the dog who was right on the bed with him. His friend's a girl. No, his friend, his friend's a girl. So I didn't. Did you verify who this is? Do you know who this is? I do know who this is. Met him once. I hardly know his friends.
But do you know that he really was talking? He he showed me like a couple of days later because this one I was pressing on a little bit. He showed me a couple of days later. He was like, look, see, and then it says. Like it was like the times didn't match up. So I knew it was not true.
You called him out. He denied. He said, uh, messaging, but he didn't show you anything. And then a couple of days later out of nowhere, he came to you and said, Hey, look, see, I was messaging. I was messaging. And it was, so it was, it was actually like, he had reached out to him via Snapchat. And then he wanted to show you the,
it seems that way because the, um, it was, the timing was after that incident that happened. It was, it was, and I don't know if Snapchat gives you like exact timing or whatever it almost even was. Were there any other chats on there on the, did you, did he give you his phone or you just show it like this?
No, he didn't. No, he just showed it like that. And I, and I said, the timing is off. That's it. That's all. How old is this guy?
30.
Okay. There's definitely some red flags here. Listen, we're not going to be able to figure out who's underwear it is, right? That's less important than I think. Listen, I think some things you got to be mindful of. I think it's very human nature for us to, you know, I think sometimes, you know, we don't want to find out the truth when, you know, when we fear that the truth is going to hurt us.
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Chapter 2: How do I know if I'm being ghosted or if I'm the one ghosting?
And everyone's in these situationships now and no one's committing to anything because everyone's confused and no one wants they want for themselves and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The answer is somewhere in the middle. But to that end, I just like my point is, is like, I don't think he's having a midlife crisis as much as I'm be willing to bet that he's looking at his life as a 27 year old man.
And he, you know, and on some version thinking this is not what I expected for myself when I was 19. He's not actually saying that. I don't think he's actually able to like probably process that, but I'd be willing at the end of the day, if I were talking to him, we'd probably drill down to that, that general feeling.
Is that like this man had some sort of ambitions and hopes and like whatever, what does he do for work?
He's in sales. So, yeah.
And how successful do you think he is?
I know he has a lot of responsibility.
Okay. Yeah. So what does he sell?
I mean, I think it's just like tech.
Okay.
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Chapter 3: What signs indicate my boyfriend might be cheating?
And so that should be a signal to you that you've already worried about it. And worrying about the same thing over and over doesn't get you anywhere. And I do that shit all the time. I just get stuck on this thought. And if I don't have a clear answer to it, I'll just... just over and over.
You literally have to get to the point, whether it's through a therapist or just like good old fashioned, like thinking or whatever, having a friend, you have to just say, all right, well, listen, if I don't have a solution right now, I'm going to table it to the side. And if it pops in my head, I'm just going to like put it out of my mind for now. And that takes, that takes some work, man.
And it's like, it's easy. It's way easier said than done, but it is a skill. I discovered a CBT. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. Yeah. What is it? Cognitive behavioral therapy. Okay.
It's like it's essentially has to do with rumination. I mean, that's pretty much the core of it. And overthinking and basically what you've been describing is kind of separating thinking from thoughts. And, you know, the ones that like you just said, you just keep overanalyzing the same problem because I do the same exact thing that you just described.
Like if I don't have a clear answer to it and it's like not like a light bulb going off and it's just it doesn't go away.
Yeah. Yeah. Drive you crazy. So listen, I think you're, I mean, you're, you're self-aware. You can acknowledge some of these things, you know, but to get her back, you've already, so you've already broken up once. I'm guessing it was around all of the similar problems. So she's already gotten back together with you based off of nothing other than hope.
So I'm guessing she's less likely to do that this time. And that's, yeah, that's exactly the, the reason we're not getting back together this time. But she hasn't given up on you. So you got that going for you. So what do you want to do about it?
I mean, I definitely want to repair the relationship. I mean, she's my person for sure. I mean, it was for both of us. It was like a instantaneous connection. I mean, I don't even know how to explain it. It sounds so stupid, but it's like without even getting to know the other person, you already know what that other person is thinking without even having to communicate with them.
It's like a it's a weird connection. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it other than that. You don't have to explain it. You believe it, and that's all that matters. I'm guessing your love language is acts of service, or one of them? One of them. What are her love languages? Emotional availability, I think, is the number one. So probably quality time, then? Quality time, yeah. Yeah.
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