I'm going on tour! Come see The School of Greatness LIVE in person!Get my new book Make Money Easy here!What if the key to conscious love isn't finding the perfect partner, but mastering yourself first? In this powerful compilation episode, world-renowned experts Jay Shetty, Dr Joe Dispenza, and Esther Perel unpack the fascinating dynamics of conscious relationships, emotional healing, and lasting love. Through vulnerable personal stories and profound insights, they reveal how our approach to love often stems from unhealed trauma rather than conscious choice. Jay Shetty illuminates the critical differences between toxic and conscious love, offering practical wisdom for building healthier relationships. Dr Dispenza shares groundbreaking research on how emotional healing physically transforms our brain and body, while Esther Perel offers a masterclass in maintaining playfulness and curiosity in long-term relationships. Together, these wisdom-keepers illuminate a path to deeper self-awareness and more fulfilling partnerships, making this episode essential listening for anyone seeking to transform their relationship with love.In this episode you will learn:The crucial difference between toxic love (using relationships to serve your needs) and conscious love (taking care of yourself to bring your best to others)How holding onto resentment creates a self-perpetuating cycle that keeps you stuck in past patternsThe four subtle relationship killers most couples don't recognizeWhy playfulness and humor are diagnostic indicators of relationship health and essential tools for healingThe transformative power of forgiveness and how it liberates both yourself and othersFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1733For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Jay Shetty – greatness.lnk.to/1417SCDr. Joe Dispenza – greatness.lnk.to/1540SCEsther Perel – greatness.lnk.to/1546SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Chapter 1: What are the key differences between toxic love and conscious love?
Who gives more love to each other? Who does more work around the house? You turn the whole thing into a competition, which is not teamwork. And conscious love is not saying you're the selfless one, it's you're making agreements. I think that's the mistake that love was constantly, conscious love was always like, be selfless, love more than the other person, give more. That's not healthy either.
What's healthy is we're actually going to create boundaries We're actually going to create agreements. We're actually going to create principles. We're going to create rules. The reason why I called the book Eight Rules of Love is my hope that it will inspire other couples to create their own list of rules in their own relationship.
A conscious relationship is one that is built on a foundation of healthy agreements. Toxic love is, it's interesting when you look at the word toxic as well. Tell me. So toxic love is when your trauma is the oxygen for your relationship. Right? If you think about the word, like the idea that your trauma is what you're breathing into the relationship. Right?
You're just breathing your trauma into the relationship. So you bring all your baggage, all your insecurities, and you're somehow expecting the other person to inhale it all and then figure out how to respond and react. Whereas a conscious relationship is saying that I have these things. I'm trying to heal them. I'm going to make my partner aware of what I'm healing because I'm not fully healed.
And now that they're aware and I'm working on it, we can also work on it together. So I think we've all said this unhealthy idea of conscious love being you're fully healed. And then you come, it's like, that's not true. It's a journey. And so, but the thing about the journey is, are you working on yourself? Have you communicated to your partner what you're working on so that they can be aware?
And thirdly, have you found a way to get support? I had a friend whose partner was addicted to porn. And they came up to me and they were saying that their partner feels shameful and guilty and wants to work on it. And I said, you have two choices.
You can either leave them because you don't believe them and this affects you negatively, which it was, or you can stay with them and support them through their journey because they want to change. It's not that you're forcing them to change. And they're honest about it. They're coming to you about it. They're vulnerable. They're vulnerable. They're open about it. They're honest about it.
And what I found in that scenario was that that person was able to support their partner. Now they have a really healthy relationship. But the thing is that we can't also... A toxic relationship is also when you use someone's trauma against them. So someone's been vulnerable with you about what they're struggling with, and now you use it as ammunition in an argument to shoot them down.
And so when people are vulnerable with you, when they're honest with you, when they're transparent with you, don't use that against them because basically you're saying to them, don't be honest with me. And I think that's this really interesting thing. We all say, I want someone who's honest, but then when someone says something honest, that's uncomfortable,
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Chapter 2: How can setting relationship agreements improve love dynamics?
We didn't get into fight styles, but we'll get there whenever you want, because that question was so good. That question was so good. And don't feel... I'm saying this as a friend now, like off camera, in the sense of like, this is so good, bro. Like, this is an interview that I haven't done with anyone because it's not about the book and we're getting into it. So it's like...
don't feel any pressure to go into the like yes the stuff we're talking about is amazing yeah yeah i just reiterating as a friend yeah yeah it's so good so what were you gonna say though you were saying something i was i was just saying that this superficial idea of conscious love becomes really practiced as a deeper love so so yeah like we we don't argue uh but we avoid having uncomfortable conversations uh everything's always good but i often go to sleep at night wondering what they're thinking
right like it that's not conscious because it looks good it's conscious because you're constantly working on i think we're so scared of accepting that something may need fixing because that means it's broken but it's not broken there's just parts to re-look at yes what are the things that most people don't think are harmful to hurting loving relationships
that are actually the most harm. Not like he cheated or she's lied to me or he's watching porn or whatever that is. But what are actually the things that most people think, that's not really that big a deal. That actually you do it year after year after year is a big deal breaker in ruining relationships. Maybe it's the little things, maybe it's the whatever it might be.
Is there anything you can think of?
There's a few things I can think of. I'd say there's four coming to mind right now the first one I'd say is the idea of control I think we're trying to control the other person but it doesn't look like control it looks like care and that's the interesting thing it's like it's like manipulative correct care yeah exactly so control in a relationship can often look like care
But deep down, you're doing it because you want to control the other person. So you want to tell them what to wear. You want to tell them how to spend their money and how to invest it. You want to tell them how to live their life and which friends are good for them and which friends are bad for them. Now it's different when that's a conversation from them to you and asking for your advice.
But the best thing you can do as a coach, a partner, a guide, a friend is to help someone understand what their goals are. We talk about this all the time. Like we don't project what I think is a worthy life or a worthy podcast or a worthy home onto what someone else wants because we all have different values. And so I think we do controlling means,
I don't want to understand your values and what you believe in. I'm going to project mine onto you because I think they're superior anyway. And I feel more comfortable if that's the case. And it's very subtle. Like this is something you have to really monitor. Like, you know, I'll give an example of like I've always been driven or at least I've been driven for a lot of my adult life.
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Chapter 3: What subtle relationship habits can harm long-term love?
Yeah.
I love that.
And the fourth and final one that comes to mind right now is this. This one's really tough because I had a friend who was going through this a lot. Whenever he was making progress in something, like let's say he got a promotion, his partner would say to him, I don't know how they promote you, I never see you work.
It was criticism. Like diminishing them.
Diminishing them, so it's criticism. Yeah, it's like diminishing them about something that they've achieved or missed out on. Or someone saying, oh, I didn't get that promotion. And you say, well, yeah, I didn't really see you work for it. So there's criticism either way. And I think we do this because we wanna be honest with our partners or we want to tell them the truth.
We don't wanna lie to them. Or most of the time it's because we're hard on ourselves. We're criticizing ourself for not achieving what we wanted. And now we project that criticism onto our partner for what they wanted. And criticism ends up making someone feel so far away from you. Like criticism increases distance in a relationship.
It pushes someone so far away because you've made them feel unworthy, unwanted, and not enough. And again, I'm not saying the opposite is praise your partner, tell them really nice things about themselves, but there's a way to communicate about certain challenges they're going through. It's not in the moment saying, hey, I didn't get the job. Oh yeah, well, better luck next time.
Or, oh, it didn't quite work out. And you might say, well, people don't do this. I promise you, what I'd love for everyone to do with this, I'm gonna set a little challenge. If you're in a relationship, I want you to do an audit or a count of how many of these you do every week.
about your partner so just do it honestly honestly for the next seven days if you're in a relationship think about how often you complain compare criticize or try to control and just keep a count now you may get through the week and you only do one that's amazing i'm really really happy but if you're really self-aware and you're really questioning yourself i'd find that even i do a few of these things constantly and what's even
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Chapter 4: Why is self-love crucial for overcoming resentment?
I love that. That's a beautiful point. Yeah. So you said he had one thing, which was her, the kids, and then himself. And she had herself, the kids, and then the man.
Exactly, exactly.
And so what happened from that dynamic? And what happens when you enter or are in a relationship like that?
Well, he was distraught and he was really upset because, He was just like, how can I be third on your list? And even more than that, he was actually upset that she put herself first. That's what he was more upset about. He actually wasn't that upset about being third. He was more upset about how are you first for yourself?
How is it not the kids?
How is it not the kids? And her response was similar to yours that I want to be present, energized, and my best for you and the kids. I don't want to give my leftovers to you and the kids. And I often say this to people, like if someone is emotionally and energetically dead, how can they keep you alive? It doesn't make any sense.
And so what we have to understand is someone's not being selfish by focusing on themselves if they're doing it with a selfless spirit. That's the key. So you may meet a man who's not like Lewis and says, yeah, I'm first for me. I'm first. And they're only doing that because they think they're first. There's no, I'm going to take care of myself so I can be better for you.
That's the spirit you're looking for. So you're looking for someone who's selfish with a selfless spirit, not just someone who's selfish. And there's a difference. And it could sound like the same thing. It could even look like the same thing. You could meet someone who says, I'm dedicated to my purpose. I'm dedicated to who I am. but it's not anything to do with you.
And I think that's the difference. People who prioritize self-care in order to serve, that's the self-care we want in our lives. And so that's what I encourage in people, that you should always take care of yourself so you can take care of your partner, so you can take care of your kids. You're not just taking care of yourself just. It has to go somewhere.
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Chapter 5: How does emotional healing lead to personal transformation?
A person who's complaining, blaming, making excuses, feel sorry for themselves, they're making themselves unhappy. There's nobody doing that to them. You say it's your ex. Okay, let's take your ex. Let's put him in a straight jacket. Let's shoot him to the moon. Now what? You're still thinking that way and feeling that way. And that person is no longer in your life.
You're defined by that story, by that past event. Okay? The person's truly sincere and thinks there's something other than that emotion of resentment. What's on the other side of it? Am I willing to sit through it long enough? And no matter how much the pain is or what my body does, I'm going to sit this one out. I'm going to work with my body and keep bringing it back into the present moment.
It's like training an animal. You keep doing it over and over again. You stay. You stay. You say, I'm not getting up. I'm not eating. I'm not moving. We're going to keep lowering the volume. You keep reconditioning the body to a new mind. Sooner or later, it surrenders. It surrenders to a new mind.
When that occurs, there's that liberation of energy, and energy moves into the heart, and you feel love for yourself. You feel a respect for yourself. You feel an honor for yourself. You took your power back. You built your field. Something feels right. When we look at the data of people who do this.
And we see their scans, their brain scans, we see their HRV measurements, and they get good at this. We measure their oxytocin levels. Now, oxytocin is the love chemical, right? It's made in the pituitary gland. It is the love chemical causes us to bond, to connect, to unify. And when I showed the values of oxytocin levels with these people to scientists, they're sometimes 200 times above normal.
Now, that's not a little love. That's a lot of love.
It's an explosion of love.
It's a lot of love. So oxytocin signals nitric oxide, and nitric oxide signals another chemical called endothelial-derived relaxing factor, and that chemical causes the arteries in your heart and your lungs to literally open up, and blood flows into your heart, and your heart is filled with energy, just like when it engorges the sexual organs.
There's an engorgement of blood in there, and it activates it with energy, and there's a mind that's created. It's a consciousness. Now, this one opens up. It's a whole different consciousness. In fact, The research on oxytocin shows that the slightest elevation in oxytocin, it's impossible to hold a grudge. It's impossible. You say, dude, I feel so good. I'm good. No, no, no. I'm good.
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Chapter 6: What is the role of oxytocin in fostering unconditional love?
They want nothing in return. They're more present because that's who they're practicing being. And so there's a natural affinity, a natural attraction because the person is really present and they're really okay. And something is different about them. Something is unique about them.
So the relationship we have with people when we're in that state where we're really okay with ourselves and we've made ourselves happy, we're really happy with ourselves.
allows us to love just about we'll find beauty through the lens of love in anything when and no one else sees it right getting there is the overcoming process that is what creates self-love now to be very clear i think many people i think i'll include myself we confuse pleasure with love and it's not the same thing.
What's the difference?
Well, pleasure is doing something that makes you feel good but has nothing to do with love. Love has everything to do with something that you feel independent of pleasure. When you overcome yourself and you arrive at your goal, you reach your dream, you never give up on yourself, you had hard moments, you fell to your knees, you brushed yourself up, you got up, you showed up again for yourself.
It's amazing to watch this. I watch it at week-long events. I watch people literally change in seven days, and they showed up when they said, I'm too tired, I have a handicap, I have a disease, I don't understand how rough my pass is, I'm an addict, I was in jail, my mother was abusive. They showed up in spite of I'm too old, whatever that is.
You keep showing up for yourself, you start feeling really worthy, really worthy to receive. And the universe only gives us what we think we're worthy of receiving, right? So when you're in love, you're in a whole lot less lack. And if you're in a whole lot less lack, In a sense, you're moving closer to source. And that's a really good feeling. That's a really good feeling.
So practice that every day. Practice that every day in your relationships with people, Your relationship with your body, your relationship with money, your relationship with your phone, your relationship with your car, your relationship with everything would be different. Yes. And so the overcoming process is the becoming process. You make yourself happy.
You no longer need anybody to do that for you. You have a person in your life who is conscious that wants to make themselves happy and share their joy and their love with somebody. Well, you have something really unique. It's really special. And love is a very bonding chemical. It's a very bonding energy. If you look at oxytocin levels in mammals,
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