The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Charles Duhigg: Asking Questions That Build Instant Connection
Tue, 25 Mar 2025
Ever feel like you’re talking but not really connecting? Or maybe you’re in a conversation, and you know the other person is just waiting for their turn to talk? Well, today’s episode is about to change that. I’m sitting down with Charles Duhigg, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author of Supercommunicators, to talk about what the best communicators do differently. And here’s the kicker: it’s not about being the most persuasive—it’s about knowing how to ask the right questions. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Meet me on my book tour! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
How can questions build instant connection?
Right?
Like, you're just staying silent until I shut up for a minute, and then you're going to jump in. So one of the things that we found is really important, particularly in what are known as conflict conversations, right? Where we just, we might disagree with each other, or we might be talking about something that's hard to talk about, like politics or religion.
In those conversations, it's really, really powerful to prove that we're listening. And actually, the proving part is a habit. So there's a technique for it known as looping for understanding that they teach basically in every law school now. And it has these three parts. Part one is to ask a question, preferably a deep question, right?
Part two, step two is when the person has answered that question, try and repeat back in your own words what you heard them say. And you've actually already done this a couple of times in this conversation, right? What I hear you saying is, and I'm going to prove to you, not only because the goal here is not mimicry.
I'm going to prove to you that not only am I paying attention, I'm actually processing what you're thinking or what you're saying. I can put it into different words and maybe even give you a little insight on it. that you didn't have when you said it. And most of us do step one and step two intuitively.
Step three is the one I always forget, and this is where the habit comes in, is once I repeat back what I heard you say, ask if I got it right. Did I hear you correctly? Because when we do that, what we're actually doing is we're asking for the other person permission to acknowledge that we were listening.
And if I believe you are listening to me, I become much, much more likely to listen to you in return. So when I ask you permission to acknowledge that I was listening and you say, yeah, I think you heard what I was saying.
you suddenly become much more likely to listen to me even on a subconscious level and that looping for understanding that's entirely a habit yes i i i could not agree more listen i care about you if you're listening to this podcast i care about you and because i care about you as somebody who also loves communication and conversations i know that you can't just have all these conversations in your head yeah i can give you advice but sometimes you need
more. You need to talk to somebody else who's trained in helping guide you through this. And that's where therapy comes in. I go to therapy. It's incredibly helpful. And a sponsor of this podcast is BetterHelp. What they do, it's an online platform where they can connect you with online therapists. All you have to do is fill out a quick questionnaire and they match you with a therapist.
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