It lurks within, emerging in conversation to share ineffective, premature suggestions … it’s your advice monster, and we all have one, says writer and teacher Michael Bungay Stanier. He shares how giving advice can easily go astray, from solving the wrong problem to disempowering the very person you’re trying to help, and offers a simple question to help you stay curious, strengthen your relationships — and tame that monster.For a chance to give your own TED Talk, fill out the Idea Search Application: ted.com/ideasearch.Interested in learning more about upcoming TED events? Follow these links:TEDNext: ted.com/futureyouTEDSports: ted.com/sportsTEDAI Vienna: ted.com/ai-viennaTEDAI San Francisco: ted.com/ai-sf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. You know when a loved one comes to you with a problem and you can't help but want to chime in on how to fix it? Listen, you're not alone. I definitely catch myself launching into unsolicited advice sometimes.
According to leadership coach Michael Bungay-Stanier, that's our inner advice monster speaking. And it makes us believe we all have the answers, even if we don't. He lays out why we must tame this inner voice in order to be better humans and better listeners.
So I caught up with a friend of mine the other day. I love her. She's smart, she's brilliant, she's talented. And after we grabbed our coffees and we did the usual warm-up chit-chat, Shannon looked at me and she said, Michael, you're a good guy. I need your help. I need your advice. And my monster was delighted. She started telling me what was going on, and I started to pretend to listen.
Because quite frankly, my advice monster already knew exactly what I wanted to tell her. But I'm pretty good at the fake active listening. You know, you tip your head on the side, you nod, you look engaged, yet caring, yet concerned. Small meaningless words of encouragement. Mm-hmm, yeah, sure, yeah, right. Oh, you go, girlfriend, exactly.
But honestly, my advice monster's like, could we just hurry this up, please? The time is short. Finally, Shannon finished, so finally I was able to share my brilliant advice. And make no mistake, it was brilliant. Shannon tipped her head on the side, looked engaged, yet caring, yet concerned, started nodding, made small, meaningless words of encouragement.
Mm-hmm, yeah, maybe, okay, yeah, nice idea. Honestly, my advice, my help was going nowhere. My advice monster had sabotaged the conversation again. Now, this isn't just a Michael thing, it's not even a mansplaining thing. You, all of you, you know your advice monster.
Somebody starts telling you about something, you don't really know the situation, you don't really know the people involved, you certainly don't have the full context, you definitely don't have the technical specifications, and after about 10 seconds, your advice monster is like, oh, oh, oh, I've got something to say here.
You know, research tells us that medical doctors' advice monsters tend to interrupt their patients after about 11 seconds. But that's not really a medical thing, it's a human thing. Now, I can see some of you are looking at me and you're thinking to yourself, Michael, it's true, other people's advice monsters, very annoying, really, really pretty irritating.
But my advice, my advice is honestly pretty fantastic. And what's wrong with advice anyway? Well, look, there is nothing wrong with advice. Advice is a key part of civilization. I mean, TED, TEDx, it is one large forum for advice. The problem isn't with advice. The problem is when giving advice becomes our default response. And we all have this ingrained way of behaving.
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