On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Best Dating Advice For People In Their 30s (You're Not Behind)
Fri, 21 Mar 2025
Do you ever feel "behind" in dating? Do you value compatibility over chemistry? Dating in your 30s is a completely new experience—one that comes with unique challenges, fresh perspectives, and a deeper sense of self-awareness. Today, Jay unpacks the most common misconceptions about dating at this stage in life and shares empowering insights on how to navigate relationships with confidence and clarity. He begins by tackling the biggest myth that holds so many people back—the belief that they’re “too late” or “falling behind” in their search for love. Jay also explores the key differences between dating in your 20s versus your 30s. While your 20s are a period of self-discovery—figuring out deal-breakers, learning from mistakes, and often getting caught up in dating games—your 30s bring a new level of clarity and intention. No more ignoring red flags, no more prioritizing chemistry over compatibility, and no more settling for less than you deserve. Emotional maturity becomes the foundation of lasting relationships, and by your 30s, you’ve developed the wisdom and confidence to approach love in a way that truly aligns with your values. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Overcome the Fear of Being "Too Late" in Dating How to Stop Settling and Start Prioritizing What You Deserve How to Stop Playing Dating Games and Be Direct About What You Want How to Choose Peace Over Drama in Relationships How to Approach Dating in Your 30s with Confidence and Clarity No matter where you are on your dating journey, remember that you are not behind—you are exactly where you need to be. Your 30s are not a deadline; they are an opportunity to date with clarity, confidence, and purpose. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:00 The Biggest Dating Myth 02:55 Why Your 30s Are Powerful 03:27 Society’s False Timelines 05:00 Emotional Maturity in Relationships 06:11 Lessons from Dating in Your 20s 08:41 No More Dating Games 10:27 Trusting Your Gut & Red Flags 14:47 Compatibility vs. Chemistry 15:20 Choosing Peace Over Drama 16:58 The Pain of Settling vs. Being Single 19:38 Healing After Breakups 22:22 Dating with Confidence in Your 30sSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: Why do people feel 'behind' in dating during their 30s?
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty, and I am so grateful that you're back here for another episode. Thank you so much for tuning in. And this is going to be an episode that you send to all your friends. Because I know so many people right now who are dating in their 30s, who are struggling
Because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late, that it should have happened earlier is the biggest block for them. The biggest thing blocking you back from dating and finding love in your 30s is that you think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier. You think it should have happened in your 20s. You believe that for some reason, You're the last one.
You're late to the party. That somehow you missed something special that was meant to happen in your 20s. And I know a lot of people feel this way. That's why if you've ever felt this way or your friends have, this episode is for you. If you've got a friend out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send this episode to them. If you've got a friend out there who's tired of online dating,
Send this episode to them. If you've got a friend out there, or if it's even you who's saying to themselves, or even if they're not saying it, that's the interesting thing, right? It's not that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old. I missed something. It should have happened earlier. This episode is for you. The truth is you're not behind. The truth is, it's not too late.
Chapter 2: What makes dating in your 30s empowering?
In fact, your 30s can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in your life when it comes to relationships. And today I'm going to walk you through some of the mistakes we made in our 20s that we don't do anymore so that we recognize why our 30s can be powerful. And by the way, some of the mistakes that we may be carrying through into our 30s that we can avoid.
Before we begin, let's acknowledge something. Society feeds us this narrative, this timeline, that you should be dating by a certain age. You should be married by a certain age. You should have had kids by a certain age. But we all know that that timeline isn't even necessary. We all work at different paces. We all find what's meaningful to us at different times.
And the research actually backs it up. According to a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been steadily increasing. For men, it's now 30 years old, and for women, it's around 28. The study also found that nearly half of adults aged 18 to 44 in the US are single.
And the number of people getting married in their 30s and even 40s has risen significantly in the last few decades. So if you're in your 30s and still not married, it's not a red flag. It's actually becoming more and more common.
Chapter 3: How do societal timelines affect dating perceptions?
And research published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2021 also highlights that people in their 30s are better equipped for successful long-term relationships. This is because by the time we reach this age, we're more self-aware, have a better understanding of what we want, and have more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships.
And that's a really big point there. There is no substitute for emotional maturity. Long-term relationships require one thing and one thing only, maturity. And you can't substitute that. You can't manufacture that in your 20s. There was also something else that I read that was fascinating.
A study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that people who marry later in life are happier in their marriages. Specifically, couples who marry in their 30s report higher levels of satisfaction, less stress, and a stronger emotional connection. What's the reason? They've had more time to figure out their needs and find a partner who's truly compatible.
I'm sharing that with you because I think we underestimate We truly underestimate the power of what our 30s has. And another study by the University of California, Berkeley, revealed that people who marry later tend to be healthier. They report lower levels of depression and anxiety and have better overall well-being. So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind.
Let's really reframe that thing that's stopping us from actually finding love at this moment in our life. In our 20s, we're figuring out who we are. In our 30s, we're being clear about who we want. You're still trying to figure out who you are in your 20s, your deal breakers, your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long-term or casual relationships.
In your 30s, you know what you want, whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in. You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've been through plenty of bad experiences.
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Chapter 4: What are the benefits of emotional maturity in relationships?
I think it's really interesting how if you remember one of the first people you had a long-term relationship with, they just felt like the right person. not because you actually knew, but because you'd just been with them for a long amount of time. And it's really interesting to me how the time bias creeps in.
If you've been with someone for a year and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must be the one. Whereas in your 30s, when you've been with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive, there's a part of you that wants to build on that. There's a part of you that wants to be clear about what you want.
In your 20s, even if you're not, you're going to find people who are playing games. The difference is in your 30s, you're playing it straight, right? In your 20s, if someone was playing games with you, you had to kind of figure out how to play games with them.
Maybe you stayed up all night trying to decode every text, or maybe you wanted to make sure you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant. If someone played games with you, you had to find a way to play games back. Maybe you were even the one who started the games. But in your 30s, you're slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean.
You're getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest with them. You also get the confidence to say, this isn't for me. It's simpler, right? In your 20s, you either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time it's game over. And I think that's a superpower. You've outgrown the dating games. You don't have time to waste on mixed signals or mind games.
And that's a really thing to be really important to take into consideration. In your 20s, people played games with you so you had to learn to play the game. In your 30s, you play it straight so it's game over. There's no more room for games. Now, in your 30s, you're still figuring out who you are, but I promise you, you're more clear on who you want.
You're clearer because you know the mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to shift from self-discovery to self-assurance, but I encourage you to do it. Reflect on the mistakes you make. Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties. Take a moment to make a list of all the men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you.
Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated that weren't the one for you. Why did you make that mistake? What did you get misled by? Was it their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent? What was it about that person that distracted you away from your values? And that's the other thing. In your 30s, you have a stronger take on what your values are.
You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your values are because you know what it feels like when you trade your values. You compromised your values in your 20s. You allowed yourself to be controlled in your 20s. You allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your 20s. In your 30s, you're committed to your new set of values.
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Chapter 5: How can you stop playing dating games in your 30s?
In your 20s, you convinced yourself that you could change what that person aspired to be, that you could edit, you could mold, you could in some way inspire them to become different. In your 30s, you realize that that's a person. They're not a project. They're a person, not a project. They're a human, not someone that has to become a high performer because you want them to.
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So visit drinkjuni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code on purpose to receive 15% off your first order. That's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code on purpose. In your 30s, you realize that's a person, not a project. That's a person, not potential. That's a person, not someone that I have to make perform in the way I want them to.
In your 20s, you convinced yourself that you might be able to shift, mold, inspire, and it might even have been well-intentioned. But you now recognize that it isn't going to work that way. It doesn't work that way. So, You learn the hard way. You're not going to ignore those little red flags anymore. You're going to raise them early. It's not that you run away or distance yourself.
You're conscious enough to make them a part of the conversation, to make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking about difficult things. You value raising something, not worrying about whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that you have in your 30s. In your 20s, you were chasing sparks. In your 30s, you're seeking stability.
In your 20s, you were infatuated with chemistry. In your 30s, you're inspired by compatibility. In your 20s, you chase that intense, emotive, firework feeling. In your 30s, you realized that solid, stable communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a real connection. It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right?
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Chapter 6: When is it time to trust your gut and recognize red flags?
I don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want someone who doesn't call to check in. I don't want someone who makes up excuses every time we were meant to do something. Sure, it felt exciting to pursue someone, to have the chase, to feel like they may or may not want you and figure that out. But in your 30s, you recognize, I want clarity. I want clarity over fake chemistry.
I want spontaneity over a false spark. It's not that it has to get boring, but you realize the value in peace over drama. In your 20s, you might even have pursued drama. In your 30s, you pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like. You don't want to invite that back into your life. In your 20s, you might have settled for comfort.
Maybe you even stayed in a relationship for too long. In your 30s, you're consciously holding out for the right fit. In your 20s, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve because you were worried about being lonely. In your 30s, you recognize that being alone is a part of life.
And actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort, that's when you can truly find and attract someone into your life. In your 20s, you might settle for someone because they're good enough or because you don't want to be alone. In your 30s, you don't settle. You're clear that you'd rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn't feel right.
You've figured out that being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet your need. Right, for people who feel pain of being single, It's important to remember this. There's the pain of being single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship. And every time the pain of being in the wrong relationship is worse than the pain of being single.
I know so many people who are married but want to be divorced. I know so many people that are engaged but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so many people that have been married for years and don't know a way out. That is so much harder than trying to find the right person. It's so much harder than trying to ask the right questions. It's so much harder than being curious.
Dating is hard, but divorce is harder, right? Think about that for a second. It's a lot harder. It's how the mind is always, the grass is greener on the other side. And there's the famous quote that says, the grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it. And that's the shift I want you to take into your 30s. The grass is greener where you water it.
Water it here, water it in your 30s. Stop thinking that your 20s were the best time to date. Not only are they not coming back, You don't live there anymore. So we don't want to keep our mind somewhere that we can't go back to and somewhere that we don't live, right? We can't even visit it again. It's not even like a vacation that you want to go back to because you had such a good time.
Knowing that time is moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards.
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Chapter 7: How do you prioritize compatibility over chemistry?
Every Wednesday, I sit down with women like Kamala Harris, Vanessa Hudgens and armchair expert host Monica Padman. This March, we are continuing to uplift women in honor of Women's History Month with episodes from powerhouse Governor Gretchen Whitmer. I fell in love with public policy and that's kind of when I pivoted. Then later, we dive into the rise of women's sports.
to learn how leaders like sports investor Carolyn Tish Blodgett and former Gotham FC champion turned coach Michelle Betos are shaping the industry. Come join us and listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Mi gente hermosa, Wilmer Valderrama. Yo soy Freddy Rodriguez, host of the new podcast, Dos Amigos. In this series, we candidly reflect on our careers, life, art, and everything in between. Each episode emanates from our very own speakeasy, and it features us talking about pivotal moments, hilarious anecdotes, and then I said the word, yes. That's when I knew.
That's when I knew this might just work. Yes. and invaluable collaborations that helped us become who we are today. That was one of the rare movies that I saw in the movie theater when I was a kid. And then I got to work with him and tell him how much I loved it. Plus, the door stays open for perhaps a third amigo.
Listen to Dos Amigos Thursdays on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Dating is hard. Divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard. Breaking up is harder. Being single is better than being with the wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the wrong person. And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve. In your 20s, every breakup feels like the worst thing ever. In your 30s, you've recognized that you can bounce back stronger.
In your 20s, a breakup can feel like the end of the world. In your 30s, you waste less time wallowing. You focus on healing yourself. You recognize that it's more something you want to do for yourself than to get over someone else. In your 20s, you think healing is getting closure. In your thirties, you realize healing is building confidence.
In your twenties, you feel healing requires an apology from them. In your twenties, you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself. In your twenties, healing means trying to get over someone else. In your thirties, healing means doing it for yourself. It's a really powerful place to be.
Because now every time you're healing, even if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated, even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting your energy and emphasis into yourself. You're using it. as an investment in yourself rather than an investment in someone else using brainpower or brain energy elsewhere. In your 20s, you overthink every detail.
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Chapter 8: Why is it important to see people as they are, not projects?
You think about it with that person. And if they don't want to think about that, then they're not your person. In your 30s, if someone doesn't treat you well, you don't work harder, you move on. In your 20s, you would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked, to be treated better. You would have worked harder to be treated better.
In your 30s, if you're not treated better, you don't work harder, you move on. In your 30s, if people take advantage of you, you realize it's their loss. In your 20s, if people took advantage of you, you let them continue to do it because you believed it was your loss if they left. In your 30s, if they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself.
In your 20s, you would have shapeshifted in order to make things work. The three things you need to be really attentive about in your 30s is be better at noticing love bombing. If someone comes on fast, slow it down. If someone comes on too strong, focus on building real strength. Don't let yourself be gaslit more than once. We all make mistakes. We all get fooled once. Don't get fooled twice.
And remember, You are going to be a part of someone's healing and they're going to be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage in their 30s and so are you. You just want someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you unpack theirs. That's what you need.
I really hope that this has re-inspired you for dating in your 30s, made you recognize that all the experiences you've had, all the challenges you've had, all the pains you've had have actually given you the insight, the lessons to not make the same mistakes. But it's your job to slow down and really reflect and take it in. Remember, I'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you.
Thanks for listening to On Purpose. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my conversation with Michelle Obama, where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing and the four check-ins you should be doing in your relationship. We also talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stress.
If you're going through something right now with your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you.
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