Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
"Monstro SarahNicole" (w/ Sarah Sherman)
Wed, 22 Jan 2025
Sarah Sherman aka Sarah Squirm aka Sarah Nicole aka Monstro SarahNicole aka Triangle Head aka Straggot aka Gay Icon Who Takes It Seriously aka THE LEGEND joins Las Cultch for The Laughing Episode (finally). Pancakes are truly on the ceiling as three fools discuss David Lynch, Twin Peaks, The Traitors, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, The Substance, Nosferatu and the value of "production value". Also, Sarah's "serious face", Sarah's "perfect man", Sarah's crush on her "100 year old English teacher", Sarah's passionate love of Coralie Fargeat, Sarah's top five housewives, Sarah's role on General Hospital, Sarah's transformation when she wears wigs and the official introduction of KYLEs to the Las Cultch fandom. All this, the word "this", the number one best scene in television history, humidifier drama, Laganja Estranja appreciation, re-formulated patchouli, and the moment when true evil was released into the world. Send in your drawings of Necessarious the Dinosaur and tag Matt, Bowen, Sarah and Las Culturistas! And watch SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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On a week like this? I used to dream of better days. I used to dream and I hoped I'd never wake up.
I have had my first amazing sleep of, I guess the year, but I guess the last like six months.
Oh, I've been sleeping so bad. What would you attribute your good sleep to?
No more eye mask. No more.
Oh, you're not using it anymore?
It's crazy. I think it's the winter time. This is so deeply boring to talk about.
Then let's just skip it.
Let's skip.
I want to hear.
Yeah.
Frog ass bitch. You're a frog ass bitch.
Well, because I have an explanation as to why I'm sitting like this.
What's the explanation?
Go ahead.
And so why don't we just, so you had a first thing you wanted to say in quotes. Is this the first thing? Sarah brought a gun to the studio. That's what she wanted us to say. You better, I have a first thing to say and you better ask me again, even though this is not what we do with our repeat guests. Ask me again. What was the culture that we say culture is for me? What's your explanation for this?
I have to sit like this because as you know, I came to the studio today with a triangle head.
Which means what? She goes, is my hair a triangle? A pyramid head like in Silent Hill? I couldn't tell if you wanted to be told yes or no.
I just like, no, if you guys were my friends, you'd be like, girl, you do have triangle hearts and I, but that's okay. And just rock it. I told you what you have.
You have, it's not a triangle shape. It's an isosahedron, a 20 sided figure, not the name.
Boots. Can you look that up?
20-sided. A 20-sided figure I think is an isosacedron.
Oh my God. I thought you were kidding for being hilarious.
Isosagon? I saw the TV-sagon. I saw the TV glow cigar. I saw the TV glow cigar.
I had a drink the other night, a sauce cigar.
Sure. Our guest is a cast member on Saturday Night Live. She's been on the show before.
Yes.
And she is, you know, just one of our great friends. One of our great friends. Although this is, can I just say, The Power of the Room, directed by Jane Champion. Yes. The power of the room. This is the first time the three of us have been in the room together.
No, that's crazy.
I took a very short hiatus. I believe it was a one episode hiatus. You were in Vegas seeing Kelly Clarkson. I was in Vegas doing my thing and you were the guest and I was like, great. Now I have to have her turn obviously right back around and come back.
That's actually crazy.
Why?
Because there was one episode you weren't on and it just happened to be the episode that your sister was on.
I know.
Long Island. Pisces. Runner. Running. We like the same things. I guess when your thing is going to Vegas is seeing Kelly Clarkson. It could be yours.
It could be yours too. You want to come? I'm going again to see Mariah Shania.
I literally just found out that I'm available and I'm going.
Mariah Shania, does that mean I'm available too?
Yes, it means you're available too.
You want to come?
Come. Wait, Vegas?
Vegas loss. We're going to have such a ball. Vegas comma loss. Sarah's favorite thing is, and let's examine this, what could be troubling is she always, every week is going, we're blacking out this week at the after party.
By the way, first of all, never once happens. And number two, guess how much it takes me to black out? Maybe four and a half point two sips of one gin and tonic.
You're not a tank at all.
Oh, no, not a Sherman tank, as they would like to think. Pancakes on the ceiling after a sip.
You're kidding me. That's disgusting.
Well, to black out immediately.
I thought, wait, is pancakes on the ceiling meaning you throw up so hard, projectile, it hits the ceiling and never comes down?
No, it just means like random sauce.
Wait, what's the reason you were sitting like that?
So I could just kind of like, you wouldn't really see the triangle.
There's no triangle. You know what I'm saying? It's an isosahedron, the correct name of it. It's not an isosahedron. Becca clearly said she couldn't pronounce it. She threw a bunch of sounds together in her mouth and wished for the best. You Rebecca-splained it.
Rebecca.
I've never even thought of you as being a Rebecca. You're Becca. That is how.
Wait, your necklace literally not to be like this. Whoa.
She's wearing a Rebecca necklace.
Explain that. Because my mother was like, this is my gift to you in very Latin fashion. I'm going to give you a giant gold.
So cool. With your name on it. With your name on it.
Okay. So cool.
But I always go by Rebecca. Okay. It's sort of like how you forget that my full name is Matthew. If you really think about it for even two seconds, you'll remember. Right. But you wouldn't have known.
Well, wait until you find out about the power of Sarah Nicole.
Sarah Nicole. Sarah Nicole should be your stage name. Sarah Nicole.
That's my like alley.
It's like, I just want to see like an Angelina's photo and like all over it was just Sarah Nicole. You big titties.
Rocking it out. I want a Rebecca nameplate that says Jewish American Princess while I'm Sarah Nicole.
Present. Pump it up with Sarah Nicole, Jewish American Princess.
Don't you know, pump it up. We have to get into it. Everyone, please welcome into your ears, Sarah Sherman.
Sarah Triangle Sherman.
Sarah Triangle Sherman. What's the first thing you... Sarah Nicole. Sarah Nicole, what was the first thing you had to say?
That was it, the triangle. I tried to get it out of the way. Because I knew everybody was going to be like, sorry, your readers are going to be opening the book and seeing that I had a triangle.
I don't like the way that you... You had poison venom wrapped around every word of that. Your readers are going to open the book.
I'm feeling naughty today. Naughty today.
There's something I can't stop thinking about as we're watching the new season of The Traitors.
Sarah has boiled it down to that show basically being people saying to each other...
You're being evil.
It's like all reality and like pretense melts away and you forget where it is.
It's all pretense.
But it's like they're forgetting that it's a game. No, I love that.
I love when the lines blur and people are really crying hard and feel betrayed. Like when, okay, so spoiler alert for the traders, if you haven't watched it, we're going to talk a little bit about it. When Tony got voted out, he was like, you're a sellout. You're a sellout, Rob. You're a cop. Shut up.
Who left last year because he was so overwhelmed.
Oh my God. Yes. I forgot the gentleman's name.
The boxer. Yeah.
And that was like the encapsulation of the problem, which is like people, they're forgetting that it's a game and they're like, literally like you're literally being evil. And I'm thinking you're a traitor.
You are evil. And your behavior is evil. And it's been evil ever since the traitors were chosen. Ever since Alan made his choice. I love whenever they say since Alan made his choice, like as if Alan coming himself is actually picking. But there's something important in the tone that Sarah is embodying, which is you're being evil.
You're being evil right now. Wait, do you guys think, like it's like Dorinda's acting evil right now.
Dorinda's acting really evil.
And it's like forgetting the fact that it was, well, that's why they have to say Alan Cumming chose. So that they remember that evil is not inherent. It's a construction. Because then they get lost in the sauce and they go like, they start crying. They're like, I have to leave because evil is afoot. To think that people could possess evil.
Do you believe people are born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?
And this actually goes into the other second thing I had to say with coming into the studio with a gun.
We didn't even know you had a second thing.
Right, you didn't tell us your second thing.
We just knew there was a first thing.
I texted you guys and I was like, so when are you going to ask me what culture is for me?
We already asked you the first time you were on the show.
Quite frankly, we've had it. Pee-wee, we understand. Pee-wee.
Do you want to talk about it again? And it explains actually how I feel about the nature of good and evil.
So what was the culture that made you say culture was for you, Sarah?
This is the laughing episode. Well, it can be explained. Let's just take a moment because we're about to miss the worldwide meditation because we're recording this podcast in honor of David Lynch's memory.
I was just going to say, you're the perfect person to have on this week to talk about David Lynch. For so many reasons. Because it's the laughing episode.
It's the laughing episode. The substance is about to rack up lots of Oscar nom.
It's about to rack up. I think I was literally thinking I was sitting on the toilet as I, you know, as I do, as we all do.
Where you do your best thinking and shitting. Of course.
And actually, did you find out? That's what I was going to say.
What?
Did you know you're not supposed to sit on the toilet for longer than 10 minutes? Have you ever?
Or something more unfair.
It's really, it's such a beautiful place.
It's the best place to sit. Remain. Yeah.
I love remaining there. I sit there sometimes and I'm like, I'm going to remain. Remain. Not exit. Remain. No, I will remain.
What am I thinking of What Remains? Is that an Oprah's bestseller?
What Remains, Oprah's bestseller.
Is that an Oprah's bestseller? What Remains.
Does anyone have the capability of Googling?
You're thinking of What Lies Beneath. What Lies Beneath? You're thinking of What Happened by Hillary Clinton. Which was about the election. What Remains.
What Remains.
Oh, awesome. What Remains. Another thing I've accessed in a dream.
You're thinking of...
It couldn't be that.
You're thinking of The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck.
I legit think that's what I'm thinking of.
So what was the culture that made you say culture?
I do think we do have to be taking a moment for Last Culture East to say David Lynch.
Okay, so I think I admitted to you that I basically know nothing. I am so illiterate with David Lynch.
We've actually been saying now for several months that we're going to get into Twin Peaks.
You should. You know why you guys should? You love beautiful women and you love intrigue.
Yeah, that's actually true. That's actually so true.
And I don't want to spoil anything, but basically in the larger, in the three season arc of Twin Peaks, you guys are looking at me so seriously.
Because you're a true expert.
I just think that it's like you guys really take women's like voices seriously.
You literally go, you guys are being evil. You guys are being evil.
You guys are actually like really evil.
Do you think you'd be a good traitor or a bad traitor? You'd be an amazing traitor.
I think I would. No, because remember every time in a sketch, I have to act serious.
Well, you're like Carolyn in a way. Like you're so hard to pin down.
Thank you for saying that. It's like, she's acting crazy. She's a genius. Right.
It's like, you're both the same in that way. Everyone's like, oh, Sarah's being Sarah.
But in fact, she is. Deep down a genius.
But do the face that I do when I'm trying to act serious.
If you tell Sarah she has to be serious or keep a straight face in a sketch, this is the best she can do.
Can I tell you? I noticed it. You doing a straight man role is my favorite thing.
Because it's like, we are on stage doing a comedy show, by the way.
And we're supposed to. But Sarah is truly joy personified.
I happen to be laughing. And then they're like, oh, you're in a court scene. And so I'm like.
Can you do your court face, please?
But Sarah was in the Nosferatu prosthetics this Saturday. She slayed, by the way. And then meanwhile, she's supposed to look terrifying, but everyone's like, that's the most adorable person I've ever seen.
Ruby McAllister did call me at 10 a.m. the next morning and said, did you know that you actually looked like a supermodel? It was like insane.
You did. You were so captivating.
You've never looked more beautiful.
Did you know you actually looked like a supermodel?
And I was like, no, I know. My arms are just so skinny. It was like insane. Yeah. When you have a hunchback, it like kind of like does the optical illusion where it's like your arm actually starts here.
Oh, you do like the Lea Michele thing, like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were Monstro.
You were Monstro.
But like skinny, chic, hot. Right. Cigarette dangling from the lips. Nosfer Sarah.
Nosfer Sarah.
Monstro Nosfer Sarah.
Heroin chic. Nosfer Sarah too.
Monstro Nosfer Sarah.
Monstro Sarah Nicole Sue.
Title of ep. Title of ep. Monstro Sarah Nicole.
When you say title of ep, this is how I know you're a professional. The way it rolls off the tongue without barrier.
That's how you know he's a professional. That's how you know I'm professional. The way it rolls off my tongue. I know when we get the title. And Monstro Sarah Nicole is the title.
The first thing that happens when I'm having a laughing attack is sweating before laughing coming out of my mouth.
That's amazing.
So I'm like, you can probably see it glistening and think it's like a dewy sheen, but I'm profusely sweating because I'm laughing so hard.
Wait, on sweating.
On.
Just to talk about the traders one more time. What is going on with Santa Claus?
Oh, I think he's on like crack.
Is he having some sort of withdrawal? Oh, it's withdrawal.
That's what it is.
Here's the Vanderpump rules. He never acts like that. He goes to a Scottish palace where they have no phones. He has to travel internationally. Yeah, and then suddenly- He can't bring the drugs in there. He couldn't sit still, and he's sweating so much more than everyone else. Totally, yes.
Can I tell you guys actually something that I was too afraid to admit like four minutes ago?
You don't have to be afraid in here.
As soon as they- Spoiler alert! As soon as they, stop watching. As soon as they voted off Dorinda, I literally, this was, I was watching with my boyfriend. I went like this.
What's the point?
I can't keep, I can't hold my attention.
It was actually really rough because they voted out some good people really quickly.
They fucked up. That is fucking up.
The survivor people that have gone, it's kind of a shame. Yeah.
Wait, who? Because then.
Tony and Jeremy. Jeremy, yeah. I'm sorry.
That's crazy.
Are you not caught up?
No, I'm not kidding. Every time my boyfriend, and I'm straight, by the way.
That's okay.
Don't let the shirt betray you. I'm standing with my straight girl.
We sort of all chose fashion today.
What did I say about your shirt?
Tell them. It's giving Spongebob.
Cause look. Oh, that's what you meant.
What did you think she meant? I was like, what SpongeBob is this? Is it a sponge like character on your shirt?
Oh, you thought I was calling you like random person.
He thought you were just being a bitch.
I take back what I said about how you guys feel about women.
I don't think so, honey.
Gay guys. What about us?
Kyle's.
There's a subgroup that we actually, we said that we would officially induct them. No, we can't have five? What do you mean? They said we couldn't have two.
They said we couldn't have three. They said we couldn't have four. Kyles.
Welcome.
Welcome. We love the Kyle.
I'm obsessed with you guys. It's crazy.
It's crazy. I think about Sarah every day and I smile.
I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I just want to sit here and smile. I just want to go, guys.
Can I tell you who'd be so furious about that? All the Kyles. They want to hear from you so bad. Do you know that you're a gay icon?
I'm not kidding. I don't take that lightly. You shouldn't.
If you did, that would be fucked up. Especially now in the time that we're in.
He's getting sworn in.
Oh no, I watched the whole thing.
Was he serving? Can I tell you something?
Here's my three takeaways. It was hell and like a funeral. Two, one nice thing I'll say. I did like Melania's hat. Three, Carrie Underwood sounded bad. And for all of that to go down and for her to sound strained and shouty.
Really?
Yeah, it was not good at all.
And are you a Carrie girl or...
I can't say I was ever identified as a Carrie girl. I've never really given her the propers on this show. You want to know what it is? I've always not had the best feeling on the vibes.
Yeah, yeah. The vibes have always been weird. But does this make you go buyer's remorse on Bo Bice? Do we as a culture need to bring Bo Bice back?
Well, I was a Von Zell Solomon girly from the beginning.
Von Zell, we love Von Zell.
And I love Von Zell. And Von Zell was the singer for Game Show on Quibi. Yes. Period.
Wait, who was long hair? Bobice. I got my first period while Bobice.
And that's the culture that made you say, Menarche, I'm bleeding.
And then I acted like it wasn't happening because I was afraid.
Wait, do you remember what song he was singing?
He had a brown jacket.
It was always some variation of, Oh, little mama, let me get your handle because mama, I'm so hot to handle now I guess around.
Was it that? Because the way that just sent like a reptilian like chill to the base of my spine. He had a brown suede jacket on and was holding a guitar.
The moment it happened? Tone on tone, perfectly like flat ironed hair, like really straight stuff. Wow.
When you guys said Bo Bice, I thought the guy with the gray hair.
Taylor Hicks.
He was hot to you?
Sarah, you need to describe your perfect looking man. Yeah, describe your perfect man.
Do you know what I think it is? I want to preface this by saying, I think because I've been a lot of prefacing and pretencing today. I think because my boyfriend...
Put your weapons down. Put your weapons down.
I come in peace, gay guys.
They're called Kyles.
I come in peace, Kyles and Katie's alike. And Mariah's and Shania's.
They're not listening. Mariah forgot she did this.
That was like deathbed vibes. When y'all are on your deathbed, like this perfect angel style, you can go like, we did that. Yeah.
Period. Well, we're going to say we ate that.
Unless.
When we're 79.
We're still going to be like, twerk and serve and slay. We ate that down.
We tore. Deathbed for you two is going to be 115 years old.
I can actually see it.
I can see it. I don't want to live that long.
He's going to look the same.
I'm going to look like Nosferatu. And not the chic heroine chic.
Honey, I'm so old. I'm Nosferatu 3.
Oh, bitch. Damn, you dragged yourself there. Old bitch. Old bitch. I'm so sorry. Okay, wait. So. We were on a thing. The perfect man.
The perfect man. Oh, the perfect man. I think because my.
Taylor Hicks.
I think my beautiful, long-suffering boyfriend is so... He's so beautiful. He's so, like, standard, cute, attractive. He's so lovely. And, you know, he invented a new term. What? It's cute-iful. It's when something's cute and beautiful.
Isn't that... Cute-iful? Isn't that lovely?
Cute-iful.
That's really good. Isn't that crazy?
Where's he from? We want to hear about him. Where's he from originally? Where's he from?
South side of Chicago. All right.
All right.
And like, he's from a town called Flossmoor. So you, of course you get built in jokes. Like I wish you'd floss less. Bleeding.
I don't floss.
You don't. You're a liar. You have the nicest teeth in show business.
So it just goes to show what they're telling you is not true. You don't have to do it.
Oh, but did you ever have braces?
No.
You're lying.
And some people think I have crooked teeth, but it's because I talk out of one side of my mouth.
With a smirk. Like Rachel Maddow, something I found out when I had to do my research, of course.
You ate that, by the way.
No, by the way, you know, at the second my toe came off stage, every single person was like, hey, you messed up all your words. Fuck off.
Who said that? Everyone. It's live television.
Try saying MSNBC 10 times fast.
MSNBC, MSNBC, MSNBC, MSNBC.
Well, okay, I had to say it one time and I said M-F-N-B-A-B-C.
You're trying not to say it. You could do it if you really applied yourself. You were straining so hard playing a lesbian. I know. Because you're such a straggot.
I think that's what happened. And then my brain just started like fritzing out.
You are a straggot. You really are.
Literally, thank you.
From the bottom of my heart. Can I ask you something?
Before you got emotional when we said that you were a gay icon and that you really don't take it lightly. Talk about that.
Because, I mean, not to be like this. Who do you think, besides David Lynch, built culture as we know it? Gay guys. Literally gay guys.
I was going to say Oprah. It feels like you took that away from her. From black women. That sucks for you to rob black women of that. Especially this week.
Does anyone know?
It really is really hurtful.
Okay. I dreamed this or it was real. And I'm not going to look it up because that's, I don't need to be like interfacing with screens right now. Didn't she have an episode where she had a bunch of pedophiles on?
Well, she had an episode where she had a bunch of pedophiles on, and then I think she had another episode where she had victims of... Today we're hearing the other side.
I just have this strong memory of her being like, I was like two or whatever, like this big, and there was a bunch of pedophiles on, and she was like, it sucks that you guys want to have sex with kids. And then I was watching being like, that does suck. Oh my God.
That's hot.
I agree with Oprah.
I have to say in this dialogue, I'm team Oprah.
Meanwhile, me being eight, being like, I wish an adult wanted to have sex with me. I was in love with all my teachers. Hey, really? Of course. I was like precocious little bitch.
Who was the, who was the one? Wow. She's moaning and groaning. So is this out of shame or out of pure sexual frustration?
It is just like, I'm afraid.
You're sweating in your other lips.
Jesus. Hello, nurse. I'm afraid of saying his full name because you could find him. Don't say his full name.
Say what he taught and what his vibe was.
I had an English teacher. This is going to send you guys to the moon in a not SpaceX rocket ship, in a normal rocket ship.
Okay, normal. Yeah, one that uses American gas. Drill, baby, drill. Something Trump said today at the inauguration. About what? About fracking. He said drill, baby, drill. Anyway, what were you saying? Okay, so this teacher, English teacher.
English teacher. He had a gray and red long beard.
Okay.
Red, gray hair combed over to the side, much like our president. Combed over.
100.
Like legit 100 years old. Every day would wear like a Snoopy tie. The character Snoopy? The character Snoopy.
Humor.
A funny little tie. And he, me and my best friend in high school, Emily, would sit in the parking lot and watch him smoke his pipe in his car during lunch break and just be like, that is so funny. Fucking hot.
It's giving, what's the guy's name? The Giver. It's giving the Giver.
Oh my God. It's giving the Giver. And I was saying Vincent Van Gogh in my head.
Not dissimilar. He actually quite looked like him.
Who's the Watchmen guy, Alan?
Moore.
Alan Moore. Oh, he looked exactly like Alan Moore. It's giving Alan Moore.
With a Snoopy tie.
That's hot.
And he would smoke a fucking pipe in his car and me and Emily would just like watch him in his car. Are you still in touch with Emily? Oh, of course. Yeah. Emily, hello. If you're listening.
This is the thing about Long Island is that y'all keep in touch with high school.
Definitely. I texted my friend Allison last night. And said, hey. I said, hey. We had a mutual friend at the birthday party we were at. Oh, cute.
Oh. And said, let's go to Roosevelt Field, get our ears pierced.
Oh, my God. I wish I could go to Roosevelt Field, but it was too far. Were you Walt Whitman Mall? No, I was Sunrise Mall. Like South Shore vibes.
I have to give respect to you because, like, Honestly, something crazier, even more iconic to say than you're a gay icon, you are an actual Long Island legend. You are not from, we're fucking around Long Island. You are from Long Island, Long Island.
I'm for real.
You're for real.
Definitely for real.
You're new to this. He's new to this.
I'm always new to this. Anytime I go to Long Island, I go, whoa.
No one knows what happened to us. It's so crazy, the things that we saw and the things that we did.
Yeah, and the things that we aspired to be. Name the craziest thing from childhood. I mean, just, what did you say?
Nikki Blonsky. Nikki Blonsky.
She's a Long Island legend.
Jeez. Her mom once came up to me.
You're kidding.
Wait, I actually have the chills.
Nikki Blonsky's mother came up to me at my school.
I think she came to my school. I felt like they were scouting. For hairspray?
Oh my god, that's perfect! No, I don't actually... What did she say? You're living in a perfect penny.
That's fucking... Little shop.
What did she say?
What did she say?
Me knowing like two musical songs.
We gotta take her to a Broadway show.
Sarah. I didn't know I would die for Kinky Boots.
We had a Kinky Boots sketch.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
What was it?
We wanted a sequel to the Shrek the Musical.
What was the kinky boots bit going to be?
You come out with glitter on your feet. You're clearly putting on the kinky boots. What is it?
Mathilde, you clearly put on the kinky boots.
Writing that sketch was a highlight of my life.
It's so rare to channel.
Oh, we channeled. Did you?
To let the muse visit you.
We literally plopped it down in one run and we were like, it's perfect.
Have you ever seen Hamilton, the musical?
I know that. How could a bastard orphan?
That's not, you would love it.
Really?
It's a great show.
It's a great show. And also if nothing else, like it's production value.
Yes.
I don't, don't get me started on that. Cause I'm feeling really emotional about production value lately.
What's what's going on? What do you think?
It's just like, give it to me. And I'm not, you guys know who you are, who aren't giving it to me. Just in general, I want to see lights, camera, sound, sets, costume.
Can we get really into this though? We watched The Substance together and I did think of you. Thank you. Did you love that movie?
I basically loved it more than words can even express.
Same.
And I finally watched that 30-minute featurette that's on YouTube. It's so good. You have to check that out if you haven't.
Her fucking holding the camera, running backwards, hosing everyone down with blood. I'm like, if you want to know how it's done, that's how it's done.
You need to work with her.
Literally, let this be a message. Do you want to talk about this? Coralie, I love you. And what you've done and what you will continue to do and what has happened and what will soon to be happening all over until like the perpetuity, until the end of time, like... What was I saying?
You were saying a lot and all of it is impacting exactly who you want. She's hearing you.
Curly, you did it! You did it!
Can I correct you?
You did that. When it kept going, when it just kept going, and then the teeth, and then the ears, and then the blood hose, and the music, and the lights, camera sound, costume, whatever, as we were just saying, it didn't for one second stop. It gave us everything relentlessly and more.
It's incredible. It's a perfect film.
It's a perfect film. It's hilarious down.
Yeah. Down.
It's, as you say, a feast for the eyes.
A feast for the eyes.
It's everything. She's my favorite. She's everything.
Yeah. There's been little meetings. Listen. You've met a couple times.
We met one time.
Oh, really?
And I was struck by her beauty. Yes, she is. She's gorgeous. She's stunning. And she's hilarious.
Yeah? When did you meet her?
At a luncheon. I've been, like, stalking her for real. Because I just, like, I'm like, you're amazing.
Were you a fan prior to seeing The Substance? Like, did you see Revenge?
I love Revenge. Yeah. And I love every... You know, when you like see someone's movie and you're like, I hope see words escape me. That's how much I care.
Yeah.
Oh, that's like, you could just see like, it's like, she's such a like fan of horror movies too. And so it's like, as a fan of the thing, as a fan of like basket case or whatever, you watch that movie and you're like, yeah, thank you. This feels like a Christmas tree.
Yeah.
I know. And just like, I, yeah. Yeah. She's just, listen, I'm free. You're at a loss for words. I'm at a loss for words.
Were you a Demi and Margaret fan prior to this or did this expose you to their gifts?
Both of them fans. Yeah. Both of them fans, but like now I am on my knees forever in their debt, basically.
I bet you see their names called tomorrow. Yeah. I hope so too.
Who's calling?
Do you know who's calling? I'm calling. Bowen and Rachel Sennett are announcing the Oscar nominations.
Can you fucking believe that? Big day for Union Hall.
We had a huge day for Union Hall. Union Hall truly won. Oh my gosh.
Isn't that wild? Should I come?
Wait, you're going tomorrow?
No, no. This comes out Wednesday and then I'm going to be, I'm literally leaving read through and catching a plane to LA. And then Thursday morning, 5.30 AM PT, we're announcing. And then I got to fly back for Block It.
I wouldn't miss it. I think it's such an honor.
No, I know.
I'm so honored.
It's like literally the coolest thing.
I love that. I aspire to announce the nominations one day.
He smallens things. He always does.
Smallens?
You smallen. Because you go like-
First of all, we're not talking about harmful individuals today.
Who gave us a laugh? If we're talking about the laughing.
Oh, he gave us a laugh.
Just a couple laughs. It's like, oh, I'm going to be announcing the Oscar. Like, that's how he says it. This is how he delivers it.
That's not how I deliver it. Well, yeah, it might be.
But you, I know you have to small on it because you're just trying to keep your head on your shoulders and you're like clocking in and clock. Like, it's like, if things were too big, like you would almost be scared to do it.
Totally.
But it's like, that is, that is major.
You're right. He does, he smallens things, but he's excited. I'm excited.
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Oh, Matt.
Because did you notice that my girl has a leaf on her head?
No, it's not on.
Well, it's very close to your ear.
Triangle head, leaf head.
What's going to be your head?
What's going to be yours?
Cool. Gorgeous head. Gorgeous head. Stunning head. Say this. Toe head.
I'm changing that.
What? Say this. Say this. Say this.
But this is my theory. The word that is so powerful. So powerful. The way it hits the ear is just different.
I was watching a body language expert talk about Blake Lively. Oh, just let that stick in. I was watching a body language expert talk about Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni. And there was a moment where an interview says to Blake Lively, like, well, you actually had to be the intimacy coordinator on set. Like you had to show him how to grab you and kiss you. And she goes, where did you see this?
And the body language experts said that use of the word this is usually to show that you would disdain whatever it is they've brought up. Like, oh, what's all this? What do you mean by this?
What's all this then?
The word this is rarely used positively or inclusively.
When you say this, something that's just coming to mind is like peeling dirty underwear off the floor. What is this? Yeah, a wife coming home, peels a woman's underwear from the bottom of the basket and going, what is this? To my husband, I've been working all day and whose is this? You would just say, what is that?
You just ate that line read, by the way. Dude, what is this again?
No, again, to the directors out there, I'm free.
Think about this. Who did this?
Okay, now say that. Sorry.
Who did this?
Now do the other one.
Who did that?
See, I'm not threatened by that.
Who did this?
What's up with that? What's up with this?
Although we were talking about the scene from Mad Men, Joan confronting the man. I wouldn't care if you died. That pornographic drawing.
That pornographic drawing.
I actually, I've been watching so much Mad Men clips. The number one best scene in television history. I'm kidding you not. Joan and Don. Joan and Don. It's the episode where Joan gets served with divorce papers in the office that like front desk secretary gives, like allows the last server. It's the fifth season, which by the way has no skips. It's the rumors of Mad Men.
So Don and Joan go to the Jaguar dealership and then they pretend to be a couple and then they go to the bar and they get a little drunk and they turn on the jukebox music and they have this scene at the bar that talks about the kind of people they are and the kind of people that are in the bar. It's beautiful. It's about them, but it's not. The writing and the acting is so...
They're both so good. Christina Hendricks, no Emmy for that role.
Well, by the way, I don't want to say anything disrespectful, but it's like, let's get her out there more.
I would agree. I would definitely agree.
Do you think... I'm going to say something on behalf of all women.
Yeah.
Is she so... Is she so... Is she so stunningly Jessica Rabbit that people are afraid... And this is just about misogyny on a larger scale. Are people afraid to give her, like, challenging roles? Because they're like, she's so bodacious, we couldn't even...
I don't think it's distracting. I think she, with Joan, I guess, it is so one with the character.
But I guess that sounds good. I think it has a lot less to do with that and more to do with the fact that it's almost like the reason why January Jones and Jessica Paré also don't work a ton. It's because I feel like they're very identifiable with those roles and they were so well done that maybe it counts against them sometimes. Fuck. Because I think all of those performances are unreal.
I think Jessica Perret actually gets disrespected. I think Megan was incredible. Zubi Zubi Zoo is an iconic moment. Zubi Zubi Zoo is in the first episode of season five and it gets better from there. Zubi Zubi Zoo is the craziest thing to ever happen on television.
It is the craziest thing ever.
It is so insane.
And then you see Twin Peaks and you go, that's okay. Some crazy things are happening here that are basically like defying all like logic between like the living and the dreaming and the dead. Right. And then you're like, and still Zubi Zubi Zoo. And still Zubi Zubi Zoo.
The fact that Zubi Zubi Zoo was supposed to happen in a grounded world. And it still reads as being like realistic. And you believe that she would do that. And it says pretty much everything you need to know about her character. But Zubi Zubi Zoo happened on AMC. Yeah. Twin Peaks happened on ABC. Which is, that's the craziest part to me. Take that risk now, challenge.
You guys are actually going to lose your gourd, basically. The top of your hat is going to fly off.
Clean off. Clean off. I just have no stamina when it comes to watching shit. So like, I'm still on the pilot. I've been on the pilot episode of Twin Peaks for like eight years. It's so bad. But I started from the beginning, like recently, even before he passed away, just like when the mom like realizes that like she's gone, she's dead.
It's like the most devastating thing. And the Laura Palmer's theme, like the music, that score is crazy.
I think once you enter episode two, then it's full lubrication and it's a nonstop roller coaster. Like, I don't think you're going to find any resistance there. I think it's just like slipping in that second episode. Allow it to just it's just it's the way it feels all over your body when you're watching it. It's it's astounding. And I will say and not to belabor this point. Belabor.
No, that was right. That was right.
No, I just am going to be needing a PhD tonight.
Well, you know what? You clearly weren't paying attention in English class because you were so horned up with trying to get your rocks off with Vincent Van Gogh. Vincent Van Soup.
If you saw who I was talking about, you'd go, oh, okay.
In a good way? Or in a horrified way?
Anytime Sarah's like that fucking guy. Oh, what I would do.
I'm like the craziest looking human being.
You're like the Crypt Keeper? Yeah.
Taylor Hicks. Taylor Hicks. No disrespect. Billy Bob Thornton. Now. Because I think my beautiful, long-suffering boyfriend is so conventionally cute, cutiful, that it's like, I think it's like, it's allowed. Yes, it's a counterweight.
Counterweight. I love that. So you're so bored with traditional beauty because you get that every day. In fact, you have sex with him.
In fact, if he's lucky.
You're the kind of girl who holds out. This becomes like a whole other alt-right podcast. You're the kind of girl who leaves it on the shelf. You know what I mean? Ew. I made that expression up. You leave it on the shelf at night? On the shelf at night?
You let it stink up the place?
You have to crack a window after because it stinks so bad?
The expiry date is long past.
Well, if you leave it on the shelf too long, it starts to stink. They say that about women. They don't have sex. That's where their pussy starts to really smell bad.
When was the last time you smelled one? Me? Face to face.
I've never seen a vagina up close.
It's one of the, and they cover this in many movies. It's one of the most craziest things you could see.
Well, how would we know?
How would we know? I didn't bring mine today. It's in the car.
What's your least favorite body part to depict in your art?
Oh, interesting. This is going to be a surprise. I don't like, as someone who loves blood, guts, shit, piss, boogers, I'm like, what are we, two?
I was going to guess nose stuff. You don't like nose?
I love nose.
But you don't like booger?
I think it's like we're older than that.
Yeah.
You know what I mean? That's so, I love this.
That there is one thing that you go, that's off. Like I'm leaving that.
It's peste.
Yeah. Or it's just, there's an edit there.
There's an edit. That's so chic.
And I love, I love mucoid membranes. So I love like a slick mucus.
You don't like a clump. You don't like a clump of booger.
Again, it's like, guys, really?
When you see someone pick your nose, are you horrified? Pick their nose, rather.
No, I do this.
That's part of my practice.
I think it's a medical procedure. You have to clear that out.
You're going to die. Sometimes it's not as easy as blowing your nose.
No, no, you have to get in there. Sometimes you have to get knuckle deep and that's okay.
This was really healing, actually. Thank you. Thank you for coming. You're welcome.
Oh, I was going to say they should make a nasal bidet, but that is what a neti pot is.
That's what a neti pot is. That's what a neomed is. You know, of course.
Oh, this was going to be my last on my hands and knees begging for you guys to watch Twin Peaks. In its three season arc, it posits a theory of everything, spiritually, like religiously, metaphysically, that I legitimately agree with in life.
Everything is love, or love is the most important thing. What is it?
You don't want to spoil it.
I think you should.
Because I don't think this is spoiling necessarily. Necessarily.
Necessarily.
I don't think this is necessarily spoiling anything. Necessarily.
But it's Necessarius. Necessarius is my favorite dinosaur. That's why they call me Necessarius. Necessarius was so good. She was cutiful. She was cutiful. You guys, readers, please draw Necessarius and send us in your pictures. Tag us, all three of us, and the Atlas Codrius with your photos that you've drawn of Necessarius.
But you have to like then like write it like necessary. S-A-R-I-H. You know how to spell it. Necessarily. Necessarily.
Monstrosity. Keep going. What's the theory of everything?
So like, yes, that love is actually the greatest unifying force in the universe. But, you know, Twin Peaks is the... I'm going to be so serious right now that it's going to make you laugh.
Okay.
That it's, like, the story of, like, who killed Laura Palmer, right?
Right.
And I'm not going to spoil the great reveal of who killed Laura Palmer for you. Because that'll keep you on the hook for at least a season and a half.
Yeah.
But, like, you know, there's so much, like... pain and violence and trauma towards this like young high school girl and towards like all the, the women in this universe or whatever. And there's like great pain and trauma. And while like love prevails, um, Basically in the great episode eight, season three of Twin Peaks, which is like the return, which happened. What was that?
Like 2016.
Yeah. Really? A Las Colterista. You just know.
I don't know.
I just hold it out of my ass.
Don't small it.
Don't small it. You are amazing.
Basically, he posits that true evil was unleashed into every dimension and realm of the universe when the first atomic bomb exploded. So that a new kind of man-made evil basically... It fractured all of the fabric of time-space and unleashed a new form of evil in the form of Bob, who is this demon that, you know, whatever, in Twin Peaks.
It unleashed a new form of evil that like wreaked a new form of havoc on every universe.
Every universe of every timeline, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Yes. And so like that is the the like central conflict of Twin Peaks, which is said by, you know, General Briggs when he says, you know, there's this Bobby Briggs, hottest man alive. His dad is like a crazy, like military, like general who's like does shit with space or whatever. Oh, I'm not sounding smart. I need to drink Diet Coke.
Can you imagine if that was the answer? Diet Coke. We'd be geniuses.
President Trump wouldn't be trying to buy Austria or whatever.
You don't need the Diet Coke. You sound like a genius.
But then, like, basically, he's worried. He's this, like, general who, like, is, like, you know, in charge of investigating, like, the link between, like, American, like, military hegemony and, like, nuclear mysticism, whatever, whatever. And he's like, my fear is that love is not enough.
So that basically when mankind, emphasis on man, basically unleashed a new kind of evil into the world when we created the nuclear bomb, he's worried that love is not enough. And then that's kind of what, like, the return follows is, like... all these characters that you remember from 20 years ago, feeling this trauma in every dimension and every like time-space continuum, whatever.
And, you know, and this is why, you know, it's why Oppenheimer won the Oscar. And this is ultimately why, but this is what's crazy.
Go ahead. Get angry.
Yep.
Come on. I can feel your rage rising. Use this rage in a positive way. We all need to do that, especially now.
More than ever.
Let's organize, starting now. Use this female rage about Oppenheimer.
That's crazy.
Use your female rage against Oppenheimer to make a big point.
Episode eight should have won the Oscar. I'll say that. No, it couldn't have been nominated for Oscar. Maybe if you were announcing the Oscars, you could have just said.
Season three, episode eight.
Yes, that is what I believe about the universe and like about religion and everything. It's something that David Lynch put in a fucking TV show that anyone could watch. That's amazing. And that's what culture is for me and for you and for you and for everybody. It's culture that's for everybody. It's not culture that you find in a little box.
at like Bucket of Blood Records in Chicago, cool weirdo store with a bunch of, you know, like freaks, fags, weirdos, weirdos, the outcasts, the misfits, those who haven't belonged once in their life that can find community in a place like that. In a place like this, quite frankly. And I don't say this in a pejorative sense.
I say it in an inclusive way, really not giving much credence to my point earlier, which shows that people can change.
You're saying people can change?
I've changed, obviously, in the last 20 minutes. Here I am using this in a beautiful, inclusive way when before I said it was usually in a dismissive way. It's just really interesting. I credit you with bringing up, not bringing up, with bringing yourself to the conversation today. No, I was going to keep going.
The queerdos. It is a culture. It's not just for the queerdos. For once. For once.
The queerdos have had it too good for too long.
And this is what brings it back to traitors.
Lots of queerdos running around.
Yes.
A lot of queerdos.
Yes, man.
Yeah.
When you ask me, are people inherently good or evil? It can be answered in episode eight.
What an incredible callback. And the answer that they're saying is no, people are born good. People were born good until the nuclear bomb. Until the great disruption.
The great disruption. And there were so many fractures and fissures in time space that this demonic force can really crawl in kind of whether or not you invite it. Because we've created man-made.
A fissure.
Fissure.
Fissure. We're not happy that you used that word.
No. Because of sitting on, remaining on the toilet. Remaining on the toilet.
It made our buttholes hurt when you said fissure.
Nobody in this room has more hemorrhoids than me. Nobody in this room.
I feel like, it feels apocalyptic when I have one.
It feel, it's a disability. I'm not kidding.
Can I, can I, this might be a little gross.
This is my, this is me on the toilet with a hemorrhoid. Oh my, this might be a little gross. Okay. Hey. Are you jacking off? No, I'm, it's hurt so much that I have to, I'm thumper. Meanwhile, you're supposed to get up. You're not supposed to be sitting there with that off.
No, I'm sitting there and I'm like,
Cause you have, if you keep moving, then it won't like.
Yeah. Then like, it's, it's a way to like get it out, but it's just, my foot has to move. I get restless leg.
I hate this. There's literally nothing worse than like a localized injury.
It's not good. Concentrated pain. Wait, was that going to be your answer to what was the culture that made you say cultures for me? And then, but then you also said over text that you had opinions about housewives.
Well, can I, and this is my great reveal. Yes. Can I show you what I have?
Stop. Wait, can I even guess what it is? Yes. It's Heather Gay's Mormon book shirt.
Here we go. Ooh. Ooh. Okay.
What is it?
I feel for me too. Wow, Lisa. I feel for me too.
Come on the pod, Lisa.
Lisa Barlow.
At this point, they really are all invited.
They're all invited. Truly. After all the work, the public service they did, including Brittany Bateman.
Oh, my. Give it up for Brittany. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, watch when Brittany comes on the podcast and is like low-key funnier and smarter than us. No, wait. Well, the thing about culture is it actually started, and she tells us, she comes in like a true cultural anthropologist, like a full 10 MBAs.
Talking about like culture and like caveman time.
Yeah, she's like, well, actually fire began when a caveman actually, really it was collaborative and it was really the first collaboration.
Wait, who am I? Actually, Abraham Lincoln had Greek Versace plates.
Are you Angie?
That was anthropology.
That was anthropology. Angie Katzenavis, the queen of America.
Did you listen to her episode of Lost Gulch?
She was on Lost Gulch. She was the last guest before you.
You're so fucking stupid.
You know what's so interesting? Well, I told you this. I actually don't want to say this on the podcast. What? Edit this. I'm only listening to music from now on.
Leave that in. I think we would all benefit from that.
I just am like worried about replacing my inner chatter with outer chatter. And so I have been replacing all talking in the ears with singing.
Actual structured sound.
You don't listen to the episode and make sure you don't say anything bad?
I listen to this after for edits. Oh. To make sure that nothing slips through the cracks. Right. Because this one's always spouting off some problematic stuff.
Every third word is a big slur. Big slur.
I said, listen, unedited Lost Gulch. You'll be taking a vacation in a big slur.
You'll leave a pussy on the shelf for too long. It'll start to leak.
Pussy is not a slur that doesn't count. Pussy, pussy, pussy, come for me.
My brother, when I was growing up, he said that he thought pussy was a vegetable because my dad said it so much.
Why would he think it was a vegetable?
Because my dad would be like, get back on the field, you fucking pussy.
So he thought it was a vegetable? Because it was in the fields where vegetables grow. Am I warm?
This might be Long Island lifestyle.
Yeah, totally. You'll never believe this story. So my sister comes home one day when she's five. She's had to write a book about her family. So it's like, this is my mom. I love my mom a lot. This is what my mom says to me. I love you. This is my dad. I love my dad a lot. This is what my dad says to me. It's a picture of him on the couch and it says, peanut, go grab me a beer from the fridge.
Girl. Girl. Hey, Peanut.
Go get me a beer from the fridge.
Talk about it, Arden.
She wrote it as a five-year-old and brought it back to our family and was like, this is what my mom says. This is what my dad says. Because my dad would send us into the back fridge.
Grab me a beer from the fridge. This is the garage fridge. Bring it in. Classic.
You know how I just said that there's only been one artist who has presented my theory of everything? I was wrong. It's your sister. Yeah.
No. There was something in there that spoke to the universe for sure. My mom says, I love you. My dad says, hey, peanut, go grab me a beer from the fridge. I can't believe I've never heard this before. That's incredible. It's unbelievable. It's so good. Peanut, my dad used to say. Were you peanut?
I was peanut and also yo sports fan.
Oh, wow.
Is that something? Yo sport fan, get me in whatever.
Sports fan is a lot of fun.
It's a lot of fun.
I was bug.
Bug.
Because I would crawl around all the time and never sit still. Still to this day. You know how hard it is for me to sit right here? Unbearable. I want to be crawling all over this place.
You're about to be like bowing on the toilet.
I want to crawl over this place, spread my skin. I got to cum, quite frankly. I want to do it now.
What color would it be when it came out?
You don't want to know. Fine, I'll tell you. White. I'm a normal guy. White as snow, my cum.
You guys should do a Manosphere episode. All right.
Today we're actually going to cum, and then we're going to see what colors it is. All right. And then we're going to figure out the hex code for the cum color.
Yeah.
We immediately get a huge deal with Barstool Sports. We leave iHeart. We leave iHeart. We go to Barstool. For some reason, on Barstool, now they're talking about Japanese pizzas.
What? I got a thing on my feed.
What is a Japanese pizza?
The pizza in Japan is next level. Are you serious?
Shit.
And talk about that.
Oh, it's amazing pizza. That's all I can say, really.
That's all you can say? Talk about it. What is it that makes it so good?
The dough, the sauce, the toppings.
Would it be as amazing as Mary Cosby's avocado pizza looked?
Thoughts on Mary Cosby this year. And her behavior in the finale.
What can you say about a philosopher king?
A lot. That's actually a great point. You can say a lot about a philosopher. Yeah, I agree with that.
You can say a lot. I get why people join the cult. I just felt like she was speaking with such clarity this season that I thought that she was channeling. spirit. For real.
Weren't you upset at the end when she was really trying it with Angie? She was like, I was wrong about you. That was so insane. It was absurd.
But then she was like, Angie was like, hey. And she was like, you're right, I have abandonment issues. And it was like, great.
So she needed Angie to get there. Right. So Angie is the real star here, I think.
Angie is the star of the show. Yes, I would agree. She's top five housewife for me. Truly for me.
Now you have to say her top five.
Carlton.
She's crazy. She loves Carlton. You need to be in an asylum.
The witch.
Ra. Mona.
Singer.
Singer.
Ra.
Carlton. Ra.
Singer. Angie. Angie.
Angie.
Okay. Who is rounding out this five?
Karen.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
That can't be my five.
Karen. You didn't say a fifth. One more.
Oh, fuck. I feel like I have it on my phone. I feel like I wrote this down on my phone.
It's like there's a folder with drag names. There's a folder with my favorite housewives.
My favorite karaoke songs.
This is a nice spread. You have Roni, Beverly Hills, Potomac, Salt Lake. You're missing what? You need a Miami girl in there. You need Adriana in.
You know what? Actually, Marisol's mom.
Oh yeah, Elsa.
Yeah, Elsa.
Wait, so what do I, Carlton, Ramona, actually Mary Cosby, Angie, and then Elsa.
Even this week, you're going to knock Karen out?
Yeah, put her back in there. Because does it count? Does the body cam footage count as an episode of Housewives?
I think so. I think it's canon.
Because that is just like... It's so sad.
When she's sitting in the jail cell getting interrogated, and she's babbling, and then she goes, Thomas Jefferson's concubine.
It's just like, you don't get that kind of genius anywhere else in this world.
No, she is one of the funniest people to ever live.
Talk about channeling the muse in the room. Like, be in the room where that happens.
Yeah.
Like, that is a top five.
My top five?
Are we all doing this? Sure. Can we just point out, Sarah gave a standing o to Karen's body cam footage and Brittany Beatman. My top five is Brittany Beatman. No, just kidding.
I would respect that immensely. I do think she's had an incredible season. It is funny.
You guys, I've never recorded in my life. I was trying to send a video to my daughter. She got a good grade on her math test. She just started speaking to me again.
You guys, I have an announcement.
My daughter's speaking to me. What? This is the part where I say I don't want you.
What, you're singing Pink Pony Club throughout the airport?
It's amazing.
It's brilliant.
To all housewives past, future.
Past, future, and present. Take notes.
Like this is what happens when you're off your phone. So we're actually referring to someone who literally just made a TikTok. But like when you're off your phone and just being you. And you're not like worried about how people perceive you.
No podcast, no outer chatter in your inner chat.
When you're off your phone and just being you, it's incredible what you can do on your phone. That's essentially what you just said. When you really clear, when you just let the music speak and you just put away your phone, pick up your phone. See what happens. Amazing shit. The content. Especially now in the new era of TikTok.
To all my queerdos and outcasts and vagabonds and dragulators. Dragulators.
Dragulators.
It's like, it's like, that is like, there's so many people who are trying to manufacture housewifedom. Yes.
And they're trying to like- I don't think Bronwyn is as guilty of that as other, I mean- Let's call a spade a spade. Yes. My critique for the finale of Salt Lake, I did not need them to do that stupid thing.
That game was made about her. That game was silly.
So Heather is, we'll put Heather in there as well. I don't think she even believed in it. I think they told her like to do this and then she was like, yeah, fine. And then it just, not one element of the show felt like they were pushing that hard for drama until that moment. And I was just like, I just don't believe this. It tripped at the finish line a little bit.
I think it's like we're at a point with Housewives where push has come to shove. And it's like in order for anything to be, I think New York is evidence of this. It just has to be crazy. And that's why I do respect Heather doing that because she's like, well, it's the finale episode. We're all sitting at the table and it has to be insane.
It's the most insane. What was my favorite was her cadence. We're going to take out our phones. We're going to find the worst thing we've ever said about someone here. And then we're going to hand over our phone and we're going to read it. Diabolical. And we're going to move forward.
Do you think she scripted that? No, I don't. You don't think she had a notes app on her phone that was like, guys...
What I find suspicious was that they all, like remember when Lisa like zoomed the fuck in?
Yeah.
And like was like swiping, swiping, swiping. So it was like they screenshot, they had text at the ready. I think that was, there was something produced.
It was very produced. It was very, it was the only moment of the season that I felt was like inorganic.
Yeah.
And I didn't like it.
I did like it because I just felt like Heather was like, I have I fucking left not a single chrome last season.
And she's just like, she actually deserves an Emmy. She does.
She does. Because she wrote that. And it's like she was like the way I fucking tore that last year. Like the only way I can one up myself is if I do the craziest thing possible, which is she did the craziest thing.
There was a moment there where the language was even kind of like mirroring last season where she goes, we're all obsessed with receipts. We're all obsessed. Yeah. Like she's caught herself mid list being like, oh, I got to change up the words a little bit. But it was receipts proof timeline.
I actually like earlier in the year, like in our group chat, people were like, oh, Heather's not having a great season. She's not like in it. I'm like, actually, I totally disagree because I think Heather Gay is the audience. Yep. And she's the best narrator on the show. And she's the lead of the show. She's the protagonist.
So it's fine by me that she's not like totally like racked with whatever is going on. I feel like she's had a lot of that and I kind of enjoy watching her watch what's happening. That's how I feel about Miss Gay.
Miss Gay.
I was talking about you. I wasn't talking about her.
That's how I feel about Miss Gay. As everyone knows. My straight power fist.
Wow. Even this week. Limp wristed somehow. Even this week.
Well, the YMCA, him dancing to the YMCA is like, is Brittany Bateman level.
It's like. Totally.
We are laughing. Give him a standing O. To the village people. You tore that. You tore this. You tore this. And you know this.
This. To be true.
But like, Brittany Bateman, they're a perfect cast because they're every archetype.
Yes. Of Housewife. And they're themselves perfect.
But Heather Gay is not. And that is what Mary was saying, too. When Mary was like, Heather, you've changed and you're not, you know, you're not yourself. She's like, you are becoming too aware and too into the fandom and like you're Rihanna's favorite and you're performing and you're producing. But Heather like kind of needs to do that a little bit.
Yeah, I think it's unfair. I think I think you need you do need Heather to do what Heather has done.
Right, because you have Brittany Bateman. Like if everyone was Brittany Bateman.
Well, the rest of them are not capable of doing that. Like Lisa Barlow is not capable. And I'm wearing her on my shirt. I have a deep respect over my heart. She's not capable of being like, hey, guys, to the producers, what do you guys need? Let me execute that for you.
One person can do that in the cast besides Heather, which is Angie.
Oh. You think? I think Angie. I think Angie too is a chaos agent.
And she's living, she's truthfully living her life as the wife of a beautiful game.
She's more grounded. But Angie can like zoom out and like The way she handled the Mary thing, I'm like, she can do this. She's so aware in the best, in the exact right way.
Yeah, she has an understanding of the situations in a way where she's like, you know when it's time to put your foot on the gas. And whenever it's Meredith spinning in a circle at her own bat mitzvah being like, Psychotic! Like Angie knows like, I'm upset, but this is good. Meanwhile, it's like Mary melting down.
Like there's a bone in every housewife's body that if they were to scratch that bone, it would just be like, let me continue fighting this woman. But Angie knew it is not, I'm not arguing with Mary Cosby about this.
Saying high body count hair, it's like, I actually take back what I said about Ms. Gay. Yeah. needing an Emmy for her writing, it is Angie. Because we're getting lines like, high body count hair, and we're getting lines like, one foot in the grave and another.
And then she even wrote something for this show, where her I don't think so honey was, I don't think so honey high body count hair, and then she goes, if you come to Lunatic Fringe Salon,
By the way, the name.
Oh, no. First of all, when we saw, I didn't know it was called Lunatic Fringe. Triangle hair vibes. Lunatic Fringe. I saw Sauron vibes. I didn't know that it was actually a phrase. The Lunatic Fringe references actually groups of people. It's not just two words that sound great together. So she's like a full... I worship this.
The text.
Yeah, we do. And she was great on the show. You should listen to that.
Like she looks perfect.
This is the right, the joke level writing. Yeah, this is good.
She goes, you come to Lunatic Fringe, you have a get laid guarantee. If you don't have sex, come back. I'll fuck you myself.
Girl. Then they say, Rome was not built in a day.
No. What can you possibly mean by that? And you're talking about a Greek woman. So watch it. Stop with this Rome imagery. We're talking about a Greek legend.
She built a hair empire because she was laying brick by brick.
And the cultural wasteland of Salt Lake City.
That city!
It is... By the way... A goddamn pillar!
I'm a pillar of the community. Do I have an Angie?
Go, go, go.
Meredith? Well, Meredith, I thought it was really interesting how you attacked me and you were very rude to me. There's not much I'm specific. I have to work on it.
It's there. It's a healing journey. I'm in a real place of healing. I fucking love her.
I fucking love her.
I want, she needs to have a better season next year. And I actually blame the, I think the producers cut out a lot of her shit. Oh, yeah.
Interesting.
Cause like.
We love Whitney.
I fucking love her. I think she's the most stunning woman alive.
Period. She's one of the only housewives I've done a shot with.
Oh. Oh. And how did that present itself?
Well, we were both at high tops West Hollywood.
Good for her.
Likely place for us to be.
She is a gay guy.
She's a gay guy.
She is. She's a gay guy. She's not as much of a gay guy as Angie Kay. Oh, sure. Well.
But when Sudi and I were at Chuck, she was in the audience. And then Sudi was like, say hi to her. I was like, I'm too shy.
Bowen is so... You guys work with the biggest A-listers week in and week out.
These are our A-listers.
Meredith Marsh came to the Fire Island premiere years ago with Seth and Brooks. I went over to her. That was the first time we had ever met. I said, Bowen, come over here. He said, no, I'm not doing that. He's like, he was too scared. I love these people with all my heart.
And her scratch cornea really concerned me.
Meredith doesn't stop creating content.
I'm saying this as someone who will be buying her, what is it, pink microphones that she's selling?
If you don't think I have the entire Meredith Marks collection and have been to the store in Park City, you're incorrect. What are the pink microphones? You'd be deeply mistaken.
Okay, do you remember at the end when it was like during the finale when they put the title cards up, like what they're doing now, and they came by so fast.
Yeah, they moved way too fast.
Listen, we're all professional readers. Could not read that stuff.
Yeah, I love reading. Fluent in language. I love reading quick. Yeah, love. So good at it.
This is my first language.
So, Valentine's Day is coming up. You know, everybody's going to be dining out with their soulmate. Well, not everybody. I mean, it's hard to find your soulmate. True. But, you know, it's easy to find your bowlmate at Qdoba. Ha, I follow you. Bowlmate. Someone to share your Qdoba with. That's right. Because everybody can get exactly what they want at Qdoba.
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You are crazy.
I watch her QVC videos.
He does. It's like ASMR. It's ASMR to me.
They're so soothing. Jesus bracelet. And as a proud Christian woman. I love having God right here on my wrist. As a proud Christian woman.
No, she is actually a revolutionary housewife because she is showing you that you can be a positive, loving person and still succeed.
And you could have the most beautiful boobs on TV.
And you're the most gorgeously stacked person to ever be on television. Her body is insane body tea.
Her body is tea. Her body is Celsius. Her body is Diet Coke.
Look at that. I mean, Becca, that's the most gorgeous woman alive.
Yeah.
And to think she's dating a man who will not have sex with her. That's crazy. And that's part of her ass wipery.
What is going on there with Miss Thing?
Let me think about it. Let me think about it for even more than one or two seconds. Miss Gay. I think... But we love Stacey. Stacey Rush is in my top five.
Listen, I'm never going to shame an actor who wants camera time.
Sure. And you are never going to do that. Never going to do that. You respect the fuck out of those guys. I respect the fuck out of those guys. Any actor out here who's grinding, doing their best, putting one foot in front of the other in this grind we call Hollywood? I respect the fuck out of those guys. Excuse my language, but it's true. And it's really difficult.
Say it for the hard-of-hearing Meredith Marks' people in the back.
Well, I thought you just said Meredith Marxist, and I thought that's a good drag name. That's a great drag name. Meredith Marxist.
Oh, my God. iPhone list.
iPhone list. Wait, can I just say, when I was in Denver for the holidays, it was this huge event.
all over Grindr, people were like, we're going to Meredith Marks. Meredith Marks is going to show up at Trax, this nightclub by the train tracks. It was like the entire town was getting ready for like a presidential visit.
That's an A-list Trax appearance.
No, of course. And I was like, I am not, I'm going to sit this one out.
Because of fear.
Because of fear. No, but we love Meredith.
Meredith came, obviously Meredith famously, as the readers know, came to the cultural awards and delivered a great performance and accepted an award in person on behalf of all the ladies and then came out to the after party afterwards and was hanging out. She is a good hand.
This is what I was saying about the title card. When it said at the end of the title cards, it said that she's coming out with listening, pink listening devices.
Yeah. Well, she's at a handicap. Microphone. She's a handicapped woman.
Because Brittany had bugged through.
Oh, so I'm making fun of the differently abled. I understand. You make fun of disabilities now.
My family.
Matt's here on a really underappreciated line during the whole recording freakout in the Sprinter van. What is it? I invited you into my home. No, that and then she's been saying lies and spreading lies. She goes, for saying lies and spreading lies. Like saying and spreading being two different things. For saying lies and spreading lies. She absolutely rocks. Garbage horror poses.
Meredith, Stacey, Luann, and then I'm going to say I fucking... Luann, yeah.
Oh, fuck, I forgot. Luann and Sonia, yeah.
We can share the list. Sharae.
Yeah, oh, yeah. Sharae Whitfield. This is the list.
And I'm going to say Alexia.
Alexia is pretty good. Alexia is huge for me. I'm going to say Adriana tomorrow. Adriana's amazing. I'm going to say... Meredith. Yes. Yeah. I'm going to say... If you say Meredith... Oh, I'm going to say Dolores Catania.
Oh, you love Dolores.
And I'm going to say... Who do I laugh at?
Sonia. Like, how is Sonia not my number one?
Honestly, Sonia to me is diminishing returns. Kenya? Sure. Kenya is tough for me because as incredibly fabulous as she is, I don't think I'm like chuckling and laughing along. Honestly, in good times, Portia. I was going to say Portia. You like Portia. Portia's unbelievable. And also, you know who I think is actually a top five housewife? And I take the good and the bad. Nene. Erika Jayne.
Oh, sure.
Totally.
Erika Jayne is unforgettable character on television. Yeah.
Yeah. And it's like, if we're like paying homage to what the show homage for the zoobie zoos in the room, it's like, that is what the show is. It's a soap opera. And she is a soap opera character.
I mean, literally named after Erika Kane. Wow.
My soul left my body.
Yeah. You met her? No. Wait, I don't know who Erica Kane is.
I did General Hospital.
Right. Erica Kane is Susan Lucci's character on All My Children. Probably the most famous soap opera character.
But Sarah was on General Hospital.
Yes.
That is the most iconic thing anyone's ever done.
Well, and talk about- You were on General Hospital? You didn't know this? I bet. I literally, I said, hey, I, hey, please. And they were like, are you like kidding? Cause you're a comedian. Are you kidding? And I was like, I'm 1 million percent.
What did you do on General Hospital?
They were like, so they- She's a speech, she's a speech therapist.
You're fucking kidding me. She's amazing.
I come in for one episode, can't do a serious face going, cause you know- It is true what they say on soap. Like in soap operas, you know, at the end of a scene, it holds on everyone's facial reactions.
Yeah, like this.
I really do want to go there.
You should get in there. You would be amazing.
All I want to do is act.
And guess what they do? 100 pages of dialogue a fucking day.
It's crazy.
Do your respect speech. Put respect on that with the soap opera actors. What were you saying? Respect speech? That you just did earlier.
I respect the hell out of those.
I respect the hell out of those actresses.
Think about how many greats we've got from soaps. Julianne Moore.
Lisa Rinna.
Tali Ripa.
I did when I hosted my game show, my hamster game show.
Let that sink in. You don't even know the half of it with this hamster game show. Let's keep going. Who was competing? The hamsters?
Yes, they were. Yes, they were.
But the humans too. And therein lies the rub. And therein lies the rub.
I was my co-host, Kyle. Shout out. Shout out. He did soap operas and he was like, bitch, you have no idea the level of acting talent. He said that all of his co-stars could, when they were like, hey, you know, the director would be like, can we get one single tear rolling down your cheek? They would go, which I didn't.
Fuck. Which I. Which I, bitch.
Yeah.
You could do that, though. You could. Which I, you could.
I certainly couldn't. Which I.
So at the end of every scene, like they literally do the whole, like hold for reaction, hold for reaction. But my crunchy ass literally doing this in my reaction shots. They're fucking amazing. I couldn't believe, everyone is so fucking amazing at acting in General Hospital. It's like in.
Okay, you know what? I'm throwing it out there. I want to be on General Hospital.
Easy.
I'm serious. I would love to come in and do whatever you guys need. They're not going to want to let you go. That's fine. I'll do a recurring role.
Period. I would love to.
It is like one take. Done. Everyone's off book. Day of. Day of. They get the script. And then they go, got it.
Wow.
And I've legit never been more nervous in my life. Because you're actually with pros who are like, they do this every day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to make this about me. I want to put something out there.
What?
I want to do a pro wrestling thing. That would be really good.
I went to New Japan Pro Wrestling at the Tokyo Dome. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. From children to elderly women screaming.
Screaming. Hilarious.
Hilarious. Acrobatic. I just. Fabulous.
It's all my favorite things. Costume. Ask John Cena for tips.
John. John. Mandarin speaker John Cena. What? Yeah. Have you seen him do the ads for Lao Gan Ma?
I guess not.
For the Chili Crisp? Cam knows. Oh, for the Chili Crisp. He's in his trailer. He's like.
It's crazy. Good. Okay. So for those reading, listening, watching. Matt wants me in General Hospital. Badly. Done. Bowens. General Hospital. Done. Substance?
Substance 2. You find out Monstro is not dead.
Monstro returns.
Slurps up and it's you. And then you have to go into SNL and it's meta. Oh my God.
And then Monstro Eliassi wants to work at Starbucks and she's just got to be a girl getting her shit together in West Hollywood and like roommates.
How did, I want you to, could you possibly conjure up how you felt when you saw Monstro Eliassi and when the text came on the screen that said Monstro Eliassi?
I don't know.
But, like, so I went to the movie with my friend Eris, who, like, does, like, amazing. I'm sorry. Eris?
How do you spell the name Eris?
Eris Tor? Oh, wow.
If his name was Eris, he's had a hard two years. No.
E-R-I-S, Eris, they.
Eris, but, like, the Final Fantasy character.
Yes. My friend Eris, who does practical effects, who did all the practical effects, and Sarah Beck. We went, we went together. And when that happened, legit stood up.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The more you do it.
Yeah. I didn't think people in the theater we saw it with were like screaming, laughing the whole time, but I don't think they, they didn't, they, they didn't feel like they had permission to stand and cheer, but it's cheer. It's cheering. It's cheering. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Monstro Elisa Sue. I think because I saw it from home.
Monstro Matt Bowen. I saw it at home and I kept, mind you, I was stoned, but it was the perfect way to watch it because I kept turning to Matt. It's okay. It's okay. I kept turning to Matt. It's okay.
Oh, wait.
I turned him out and I was like, I slowly sobbed.
And now this is a circuit.
We did say we couldn't do holding space jokes anymore.
For Sarah, we can. This is the last time.
Only for you, you little rascal.
So this is like, you know what I mean? It's different. Yeah.
I kept saying to Matt, I was like, this is fucking awesome.
Yeah, he did. Minutes in, he was like, this is the best movie ever.
I was like, this rules. I love that movie. And I loved Demi. Oh, I loved Demi.
62.
Can you believe?
That's crazy.
Yep.
How old is anyone?
I don't know. You'd have to ask them. And it's rude in some cultures. Yeah, in some cultures, that's rude.
I'm bouncing around. I'm so crazy. But I was like, it just scared me to think that we wouldn't be bringing this up. My neighbor. Wait, this is so back. This is not what we're talking about.
No, say it.
I'm not.
No, say it.
What? My neighbor is a brain scientist.
I don't think that's what they're called. Neighbor hack. Neighbor hack. Neighbor.
Legit. Sometimes I am kind of like, should I knock on her door and ask her if it's normal that I can feel the veins in my eyes?
Knock, knock, knock.
Hey.
Hi.
How are you?
Not me getting an aura ring and refreshing the app every five seconds.
I had a question about, I know you're off the clock. I can feel the veins in my eyes. Is this normal? Which is not the brain. Yeah, no. No, I'm not saying the brain.
But everything is. everything is because actually isn't all reality culture number 94 it's not the brain but everything is we've never had a rule like that like the gate itself yeah yeah well all I'm saying is that all reality is consciousness so period wait can you walk through that it's just like we could all be like literally in my dream right now
So you're an egomaniac narcissist. So you're a solipsist.
Sorry, we could all be in like Trump's dream.
That you threw it on him.
It's his day.
It is.
This is all his dream, isn't it?
It's like, I just, I'm sorry, I can't get over that he had fucking YMCA.
You have to watch The Apprentice.
The movie. Oh, wait.
No, the movie. The movie was Sebastian. I love The Apprentice, the TV show. So does Bo and Yang. I loved it. It was like the back in the day.
I liked it too. It was the best show.
I did like The Apprentice back in the day when it was all fun and games. Yes. I'm talking about The Apprentice 2024 with Sebastian Stan and Jeremy Strong. Essentially The Apprentice referring to the fact that Trump was Roy Cohn's apprentice.
I pledged to watch that.
It's really an interesting movie.
And did it get like a little bit where people worried about it?
Yes, definitely.
They're still worried about it.
Why?
And Sebastian Stan's Oscars, I'm sorry, Golden Globes piece was like, we cannot move in fear. Is this leaf distracting?
No, as long as you're okay with it.
There is rustling afoot.
I mean, certainly. Okay. And I just feel like if I were to have a leaf on my head throughout the entirety of me doing my job, that's crazy that this is actually our job. If I had a leaf on my head during my entire workspace, I would think... Well, good thing you're not a Pokemon, because I think there's a Pokemon with a leaf on his head. There's leaf-type Pokemon, and you better watch your mouth.
Chikorita. Yeah, hello. Bitch.
I just, I have more proof that that's the funniest word in history. Chikorita. The that.
That. That.
I was your friend and you, I was offended by that. And I was offended by that.
Lisa Barlow.
Wait, what was it?
I was your friend. I'm your friend and I was offended by that.
Yeah, I can't quote that. That's one of the craziest moments.
Garbage horror?
Garbage horror.
The fact that she came back from that with, like the fact that- Oh yeah, it's unbelievable.
Well, did I ever tell you about, I was at Sundance one year and I, this is the same year I went to her store and I saw Meredith at an after party and I turned to her and I just go, Meredith, you know, I root for you and Lisa. And she literally turns to me and she goes, well, explain to me how that would work.
Wait, so then how have they healed from that?
I think you just kind of get over things when you're a housewife.
Girl, when fucking Heather said about Whitney, like that she's a piece of shit.
Yeah, you're a piece of shit. You're a fucking liar. You're a bitch. That's literally what she says. Like, looking her in the eyes. No, you are. You're a liar, Lisa. You're a liar, Lisa.
You talked to Whitney last season, and you're like, how are you with the girl? How are you doing? And she goes, I'm good because... The girls are all good.
She said something like, everyone knows how to do the show and we're a good cast and we're together. And also I did hear, I think Joel saw Meredith somewhere and he was like, so how are you feeling about the season? And Meredith fully with a big smile was like, I loved it. Everyone really came to work this year. Like, they're loving it. They're amazing.
Like, Angie Kay came on the show and you could tell she felt like a queen. As she should. As she should.
Oh, two things I want to say. Please tell me when... I'm afraid that when people see me, they see Bronwyn.
Why?
Like, when Bronwyn walks into the room wearing Ronald McDonald's... It's a costume.
Not a costume, honey.
Mama!
Well, she kept saying mama. Mama, this is fashion. Stop. I'm a Bronwyn fan. I don't get this Bronwyn hatred.
But you don't see, that's not what I'm like, right? When I walk in with my eye sauce on his head, it's like you don't see like hot dog on a stick.
If you're anyone on Salt Lake, you're Lisa Barlow.
No, you're not. Who am I? Get this right. You know.
I think that you're Lisa and you're Meredith.
That is exactly what it is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We saw ourselves in the first season when Meredith tells Lisa, Seth and I are separating.
And Lisa was like, oh my God, wait, I'm going to cry.
I'm crying.
Wait, I'm crying. No, no. Meredith, I love you guys so much. I'm really close with them. It's just really hurting me because we're always friends, you know?
Meredith's like, it's okay.
Wait, I'm going to cry. I'm crying. I'm crying.
You look like a trampoline with eyes.
Angie. Trampoline with eyes.
Trampoline with eyes is underrated. Trampoline with eyes.
Crying.
Crying.
Angie. One foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. How does that even work?
Where does she come up with that? That's amazing. And Bronwyn reading it. She's got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.
How can you not laugh? It's like, I feel that way, by the way.
That you have one foot in the grave and another on a banana, which means what to you? Half clown, half dead. Pagliacci's curse.
Who's Pagliacci? Can you do me a really big favor? Can you look up Doctor Who. Like a skin stretched out person.
Oh, I know what you're talking about.
That's trampoline with eyes.
That's trampoline with eyes. No, and then.
Wait, can you do this thing? Insert image here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop.
And also make sure it says subscribe to Lost Culture Recess underneath it. Do it again, in fact. Do it again.
Oh, yeah. Subscribe to Lost Culture Recess here.
Or should we say subscribe to iHeart? Y'all, I can't with y'all. Y'all are some clowns, really for real. Really for real, what?
Okay, my neighbor who's a brain scientist.
Yeah, yeah, get into this. Should this be a two-part episode? Should this be called Monstro Sarah Nicole part one? Hell, oh my God. And then we'll do Monstro Sarah Nicole part two.
If we're brave enough.
No.
We have to go to work.
Oh, Jesus Christ. I forgot about that.
Me, by the way, me really too.
Really too. Take it back. Especially this week. Me really too. It's not me too. It's the sequel. Me really too.
Hashtag.
You thought we were stomping it out the first time? No, no. Me really too.
Pussy grabs back. You thought pussy was sitting on the shelf? Well, guess what? It was sitting on the shelf so long in the cabinet in the dark that it became one of those potatoes with the little arms growing out.
Pussy grabs back and this time it reeks.
That's actually really good. Scare him off a little bit.
Rule of culture number 1,000. We've never gone that high, you fucking freak. You really came in here and said, you really said, it's Sarah's culture.
I'm going to say the culture that was for me. When the pussy's on the shelf, David Lynch, wish you could drag that.
Well, he passed. He's dead. Dead man.
Okay, so my neighbor's a brain scientist.
Yeah, yeah, get into this. Sorry.
She said that global warming.
Oh, no. She's a brain scientist, not a climate scientist.
Global is not brain. Okay.
Just because they're shaped the same, a big circle. A brain and a globe.
That's why my brain's always rolling around in my head like a marble. Yeah, exactly.
Did you tell her all this? Peanut-headed bitch.
What did she say? Peanut-headed bitch.
One time my boyfriend drew a picture of me that was little peanut head and me screaming, pay attention to me. And he called it peanut head bitch.
And now Sarah, whenever she's in a wig, it's like, oh, that's the most peanut headed bitch I've ever seen. A little head.
You have such a good head for wigs.
I love seeing you in a wig.
It makes me laugh immediately when I see you in a red bob.
Or like... Wait, you got obsessed with that one bomber.
You as a blonde, I love too.
There's something like amazing about... No, it's an amazing moment when you transform. I just, it's like ever... It's just like, listen, I am grateful for this job because so many things, but the fact that for a job I get to wear a wig and go, oh...
Who is she? Okay.
There was a wig that was so perfect on Sarah that, and I don't mean to like out you as anything like narcissistic.
It's just, it was like, I got it because you just kept, Sarah and I sit next to each other on Saturdays for our makeup and hair. And it really was a moment of Sarah just being like looking at herself for at least five minutes. I'm a pretty girl, mama. Being like, I'm beautiful.
Yeah.
I did the substance mirror thing. Yeah. But positive. But positive. You did it, but you were like, oh, oh, oh.
You were like so happy.
I felt about when I had my Tina Turner wig. I had a Tina Turner wig in that Pongo sketch. It was insert image here.
Oh, Tina Turner wig.
And one time I had to wear a Reba wig.
Oh, that was great.
And it was like, I was kind of like.
Were you playing Reba? but it was a Reba wig.
Not at all, but it was a Reba wig.
Not per se. But in a way, well, all actresses have, you know, it was kind of channeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't really put a Reba wig on without doing a little, you have to sing, I'm a survivor, at least once.
That was amazing.
I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good at singing. I work hard.
When you were singing in the hallway and it was resounding and reverberating, I was like the all funny drained out of my body. And I was just living in like pure, honest moment. And I was just like, wow, that's really kind.
What did your neighbors say?
Oh, what?
Because you said- That's beautiful.
What did your neighbors say?
Because he's done with me and the singing. I need to pee so bad.
Okay, okay. Go pee, girl. How bad is it?
Pretty bad. I've been holding it in for at least a half hour.
You've been dealing with a lot with that.
Should I go now? But I don't want to lose it. We've been on momentum this whole time.
Okay, so my neighbor said that climate change, you really can tell that- Is here.
Trump.
Really, Trump? Come on now, girl. Greenland.
Girl, girl. Get real, girl.
Get real. Greenland, really? Leave it alone. Really?
What did your climate, what did your, sorry, brain scientist say about the climate?
She said that global warming, you know that global warming is happening because dogs have, dog bites are up. Because they're, the ozone, dogs like are breathing in ozone and it's making them go crazy. And the first thing I said was Bronwyn.
Oh my God. and then your neighbor was like, who?
Yeah, no, literally. You know what's crazy?
Brain scientists apparently don't watch Real Housewives. What's crazy about the Bronwyn dog attack is she got attacked by her favorite thing because she's got all those dogs named after the House of Cards characters. The show is the best show on television, I'm sorry. All my dogs are named after characters from my favorite show, House of Cards. An insane show.
Let me be frank.
Let me... Oh, my God.
You are so funny.
I'm going to light you on fire. Let me be frank.
You know those dogs were named after Let Me Be Frank. Like, they're young dogs.
And this girl is naming... I mean, House of Cards was like 2013. It's an old show. So she must have started binging like a few years ago.
But don't those dogs look like newer than that?
Yeah, they're not like housebroken. I mean, if she had started the show when it came on, like many of us did... And then I guess she might have named her dog. I would imagine her first dog was named Frank and you'd think the second one was Claire. Those dogs are old now. Those are old dogs. Really old. 13-year-old dogs.
I thought all of her dogs looked really young and I was like, that's crazy that she named them that recently. I am looking at the dogs and they don't look old enough to be from OG seasons.
So bless up. She started watching House of Cards after everything came out. After everything came out about Kevin Spacey, she said, not only am I going to start streaming, I'm going to name all my pets after this. This is just conjecture. We don't know. They could be. They got money.
You know, those dogs have money. They can get everything replaced.
They took the substance. Group minds, group minds. Group minds, group minds. When you can get in a rhythm, ride the wave, babe. One foot in the grave and another on appeal.
Look at that melody. And another on appeal.
You know what I mean, banana.
You need to be in the Minions movies. Wait, Eric and Jane, we're on appeal. For legal reasons. We're on appeal. We're on appeal. For legal reasons.
Time was an evil man. Kyle hey girl girl.
What do you have to say to Kyle Richards? Talk to the camera. Because after you say it, we're going to do I Don't Think So Honey and then we're going to let him pee finally. Please.
Girl, you got to speak truth to power. Yeah.
Who's the power?
She's the power.
I think unfortunately she's the power and we've given her too much of it. I agree.
Just speak. Be honest.
Yeah.
Say, okay, say I'm gay or say I was gay for a second or say Mauricio cheated on me with Dorit. Just say it.
My take on Kyle is she literally, the cameras are only there for her own comfort because I do think she's dealing with a pretty real thing, which is that she's, Separate from her husband, he's not around and none of her kids are around. So I think the cameras are there more so that she can have- Keeps the voices at bay.
People that she knows there so she doesn't spin out, but she shouldn't be on the reality show anymore if she's not willing to portray her reality, which she's not willing to do in any shape or form. Period. No, you're very right. Philosopher King. Tell your brain scientist neighbor to chew on that for once. The ozone's making him spit fire. Yeah. Dog attacks are up, you know.
And you know what? You know what? I changed everything. That woman was mauled.
Yeah, she was. And you made a joke out of it. You made humor out of it. And it sucked. It wasn't comedy. It was humor. And Sarah, it sucked to sit here while you did that. Cheering on violence against women.
You know what?
This week. This week.
If you don't laugh, you'll cry, I believe the phrase goes. The old adage.
You said that like Yoda. The phrase goes, I'll believe. Just someone look at me dead in your eyes. It's too funny. That's too funny.
Too funny, too furious. That's all you had to say to Kyle?
Did you just give him time?
Yeah.
Bye, Eileen.
Like and subscribe to Lost Culture.
Kyle by Nosferatu.
Oh, Kyle would have been good in that. She should have been Lily Rose Depp's role. Goldie Rose Depp? Lily Rose Depp. I thought you said Goldie Rose Depp. Goldie Rose Depp would be funny.
Britney could have played that.
Britney Bateman? Yeah. Did you see Nosferatu? Yes, clearly. You saw it. It was awesome. You loved it. Your top two of the year are Nosferatu and Substance.
My top two of the year are The Substance and The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Period.
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I really do. And you actually know about mine, too.
I know about it. Yeah, okay. Then it's going to be amazing. I can go first. Okay. This is Bowen Yang's I Don't Think So Honey, and his time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey humidifier. I'm waking up in the morning. You're blasting off all night in the corner. I'm waking up in the morning, lips still chapped. How come is that? How come is that humidifier? If you're not... doing the do, then I can't give the give in my everyday life. I'm walking around with chapped lips and a chapped ass while we're at it.
All because the droplets, the mist, whatever you do, what do you do? What do you do well? Successfully. Successfully, in the words of Bianca Del Rio to Lagonda Estrada.
What do you do successfully? Humidifier, I ask you this. To Trinity K1A, to be honest. To Trinity. Oh, I thought it was still a ganja. 15 seconds. That's an amazing season of television. Great season. RuPaul's Drag Race season six. And we're going to be reviewing it. And we're going to be reviewing. We're doing a recap podcast on our Patreon. Just kidding.
Drag Race review. Review. Five seconds.
Humidifier. Good job. Thank you. That was one minute.
Bowen, would you say that you were dry as your mother's vagina?
Sort of like your vagina. Sort of like your vagina. Laganja should have won that season. That was an amazing season. For her impact on culture, she should have won. Oh, absolutely. You know what? Put my time on. This is that, brothers. I don't think Sony's time starts now. I don't think so, honey, that Lugandra Estranja didn't win season six of RuPaul's Drag Race. You're still quoting it.
You're still obsessed. Bianca, we love you. We're not quoting. I guess I just did. Not today, Satan.
We still say.
You know what, Bianca? You deserve your victory. It should have been a tie. The Monet X Change Trinity K Bonet tie shouldn't have been a tie. Lugandra should have tore up that win just like she tore up the whole season. I don't know. And I feel very attacked that she didn't win. In fact, you know what? I've actually hung out with LaGonda Estrada, a lovely person.
Of course.
And let the girls have their marijuana if they needed to be right, because she probably would have actually ate down on that season.
Truly.
Even more than she already did if they had allowed her her little medicinal marijuana.
And you know what? Of all weeks to not let Laganja smoke weed on season six.
Of all weeks, you pick this week? I don't think so, honey. And we're not headed in the right direction in this country. We're not. And that's one minute.
Does anyone know? Could anyone do the stand up set by heart?
Sort of like over John. Can we? Hey, hey, hey.
Get your lighters up.
My name is Laganja. Hold on. We need to do it. We need to pull up and do a reading. Laganja, stand up. Set. And also, I respect the hell out of her that she will not return to the show. Oh, really? Yeah, but I'm sure they've asked many times because who wouldn't want to see that? She came back to absolutely slay a lip sync to Dua Lipa's physical.
Yes, that was amazing.
It was a total knockout. But she won't return to the show to compete because it's like she's had it.
Good.
Okay.
What is it?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Put your lighters up. Gondra's in the house. As you can tell from my accent, I'm from Dallas, Texas.
And it was not very easy growing up. What? like this. Whether I was playing in my grandma's clothes or putting on a show for my well-organized alphabetically ordered beanie babies, I was ga-ga-ga-ga gay. Oh, Kurt. But it wasn't until I moved to Los Angeles that I discovered marijuana. I mean, I like to smoke. Y'all, I'm just flying high as your receding hairline, okur.
Marijuana really does help me calm down. So, y'all, I went to Valencia where they film the TV show Weeds. Now, y'all, it's very dry. It's almost kind of like your vagina. Can I get an amen? Amen! Now, y'all, I'm a tree hugger because if it ain't green, I'm not interested. Can I tell you something?
Had she done this in a way that, like, at the time really owned it, like, had she been high, this would have been, like, had she come out and done this, like, it to me is funny. Because if it ain't green, I'm not interested. That's a killer. But this is what I'm saying is she created what comedy is. Right. Like, this podcast wouldn't exist. Right. You think this podcast would exist?
You think the comedy cellar was built in a day?
Angie K needs a set at the comedy cellar. We need Angie K and Laganja Estranja doing like a travel show together.
Yes!
Absolutely. I bet Angie K smokes some reefer. Don't laugh, Rebecca.
No, her house is too pointy. I would be afraid.
You with the shapes of tips of things. The shapes of tips of things.
What else? What else? Your head. What else?
You said it might be a triangle. It might be a triangle. You asked like 15 times.
I'm a visual learner.
Are you?
When I look at her house, I go, if I was too high, I would fall and hit my head on one of those pointy marble slabs.
I know. I appreciate a house that's really dangerous to live in. That's actually my aesthetic. A hazardous place where if you even think about bringing your kids, they're going to get hurt. Don't bring kids into my house.
Don't bring kids into my refrigerator house.
Exactly. My house is ice cold and pointy as shit.
Remember when Monica fell down the stairs? Oh, my God, yeah.
And then her mom ate guacamole and said, my green ice cream or something.
Monica's mother, we forgot how crazy that was. The craziest woman.
What was her name? Like, I don't know. Tippi Hedren or something.
That's what it was. Tippi Hedren. Yes. Thank you.
I feel like it kind of was that. What was it?
What the hell was Monica's mom's name? Linda Darnell.
What did I say?
Linda Hedren. Linda Darnell. You were right. Tippi Hedren. All right. So this is Sarah's.
Mine's like, you guys are going to have to edit it out. It's going to be so fucking brutal.
Okay. Oh, shit. This is Sarah Sherman's. I don't think so, honey. Her time starts now.
And I'm speaking my truth. You know this is true. I know the clock is running out. I'll take my time.
How much I wonder.
Santa Maria Novella. I don't think so, honey, that you reformulated my patchouli. I have been wearing the same patchouli from Santa Maria Novella for five years. I went to go buy another bottle, spray it on me. I go, I'm sorry, why is it not spraying sticky? Why is it not so sticky? Why is it not coming out smelling like balsamic vinaigrette and stank? and rank. Why does it not?
Why does it smell nice? Why does it smell like a dog peed on me? You changed it. I called the office in Italy. They've been making perfumes there in an apothecary. Monks make the perfumes since the 1600s in Tuscany. Five seconds. I call them and I say, you reformulated. They said, no, we didn't. I go, but when I spray my shirt, it's not stained brown because that was old formula.
Keep going though.
My old patchouli formulation. You used to spray it on your shirt. There would be a big brown stain like you spilled soy sauce on you.
Just the way I like it. This is just too brutal.
Just the way I like it.
The bottle would be so sticky, brown, sticky all over like syrup. You couldn't even touch it. I used to be able to walk into a fucking elevator and everyone would go, whoa, whoa. Get a job, hippie. And now it smells nice. And then they gaslight me, and I call, and I was like, hey, you guys.
Hey, you stupid monks. Change it back, you freaks, you queerdos. Freakish monks. Get fucked, monks.
This Italian woman is like, no, it's the same. I email every email.
Yeah, do the accent.
Buongiorno.
Okay.
No.
Oh, my God, that sucks.
Mamma mia, that's a patchouli pizza.
You're on SNL. Hey.
No, I'm not. Actra down.
Actra.
So you know what I have to do? I have to go on eBay. I have to Google Santa Maria Novella patchouli. And guess what comes up? Bottles literally with one tablespoon of the patchouli left. And I'm buying it for $150 because that's how badly I want it. And everybody knows. And that's why everyone on eBay is upcharging.
Because Sarah's buying.
Because they're buying and they are trying to upsell thimbles left of this old patchouli formulation. So I beg you, Santa Miranda, I know the platform that this podcast has.
Oh, no, I stopped.
I know what the power of Las Culturitas is. So in conclusion. I don't think so, honey. The gaslighting of women on a day, week like this.
Yeah, a week like this. Yes. Wow.
Because remember how upset I was?
No, this was a saga. But I thought it had been resolved. I thought you had found the patchouli again.
Well, I found... This is what fucking happened. Then I found the bottles on eBay that people were reselling the half empty bottle. But now everybody's caught on that the patchouli is different. But how does every... So now there's less on eBay.
But how do all these eBay people have a little droplet left over? Like, who are these people?
I don't know. I literally... There's like... There's... There's someone for everyone out there. There is someone for everyone. And it just, they change it and it smells like nice. And I liked when I smelled like vinegar. I used to smell, when I used to come into my office. I used to smell like patchouli. Just keep breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing.
When I breathe in, I smell patchouli.
You should just put vinegar in the bottle. Vinegar and soy sauce.
Well, I just put vinegar, soy sauce, stinky socks, dog pee, cat pee. And now it smells like grass. I don't think so, honey. It's smelling like nice grass.
It smells like pussy on the shelf.
Am I time restarted?
I got a UTI from holding in this piss.
The hemorrhoid of the penis hole.
Is it that bad?
Well, it's, you know, I've been holding it in for a while. I asked for the third time if it's that bad. More time has passed.
It could be Logan Roy going to the brain and drive you piss crazy. What?
Is that what happened to Logan Roy?
He went piss crazy on that one episode.
Is that where... Who's your favorite Roy? Oh!
Kendall. Kendall. Kendall. That is just, that's Long Island.
Kendall Roy triggers me in an insane way. Because that's Long Island.
Yeah.
Yeah. If they had had money, which around me, well, whatever. Yeah, you're right. That's why it triggers me.
You know, I just remembered that you guys.
That he has to pee really bad. No, wait, what did you remember?
the fifth grade talent show, my friends did a dance. A dance to hit y'all. And they were like, Sarah, you can be in the back and press play on the boom box.
That's a traumatic memory.
Fuck them.
They have to switch out the cards because we've been going for two hours. So we're going to end it. This has been so wonderful. It was great to get to know you a little bit better.
I don't want to end this. Trust and believe I'm having the time of my life.
The great thing about you guys having... Booked SNL is now you get to go hang out with each other even more. And you know what I want you guys to do? Ride something together this week. We are.
I legit am tired from laughing.
It's crazy. We end every episode with a song.
Sarah, you can push the boom box in the back.
Hey-ya. Uh-oh. Hey-ya.
For more, listen to Outkast. Speakerbox. Speakerbox. Love Below. Love Below, the classic album. Double album.
And our music is by Henry Kaburski.
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