Khloé and dating expert Logan Ury get real on love, dating mistakes, and finding the right match. From red flags to Logan’s viral quiz, this convo breaks down what actually makes a relationship last.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: Is there a dating crisis in the modern world?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like if you took the temperature on dating right now, there's a dating crisis. And why do you think that is? I feel like there's too many options and people are treating each other like they're disposable. Like I just don't think that we're really valuing each other.
I have seen so many different dating coaches and not all of them handle people the way you do.
I mean, sort of my unofficial motto is the spark, this obsession with instant chemistry and fireworks. And I think that that actually holds people back. So many of the best relationships really have this slow burn feeling where it develops over time. I love Disney movies. I love rom-coms. But they do create this idea that the how you met is so important.
Chapter 2: What is 'The Spark' and how does it affect relationships?
And if you're with someone for 50 years, the day that you meet is 0.0055% of your total time together. Right. So who cares how you met? You can meet in an unromantic way and have a very romantic relationship.
I love that. You're so right. Oh my gosh. Hi, Logan. I'm so excited to have you on. Now, I learned about you or I was introduced to you because I was watching The Later Daters on Netflix and I know you're a matchmaker on that show, but I wouldn't label you as a matchmaker. You do so much more. And I love that just from the show, you are so charming and kind, but also telling them the truth.
Chapter 3: Who is Logan Ury and what is her approach to dating?
And I just loved your... Just how you handle, I think, dating. And then when I started researching you a little bit more and knowing that you went to Harvard and you worked at Google and there's so many layers to you and I just find you so fascinating. So thank you for coming on. I really was so excited that you said yes.
Yes. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Thank you for the kind words. And I love that you found me through later daters. So, yes, I actually would call myself a dating coach over a matchmaker. So really less focused on connecting people and really focused on helping people understand. Here's how you've been dating in the past. Here's why it's not working.
Let's make a plan for how you can date differently. And then that's how you're going to date like a scientist and get different results.
I think it's so fascinating because I don't know if you are so young or you look so young. But either way, you look and you probably are so young. But you have so much experience and I think so much wisdom. But especially because the show is about people dating in the later chapters in their lives and how you –
handle everyone I know this isn't a plug for the show it's more about your personality and what really made me gravitate towards you and I was like gosh I find you so interesting because I have seen so many different life coaches dating coaches and not all of them handle people the way you do and I think that takes a lot of empathy but also self-awareness of your own and then when I started looking you up and just you're so intelligent and you've lived so many lives and I'm like
Let's have her on. Yay. Thank you.
Yes. You know, a lot of my research has been with Gen Z and millennial daters. And then on the show, it was over 55. And I was kind of nervous beforehand. I was like, this isn't my typical demographic. I don't know if everything's going to apply.
But I actually found that so much of what I teach and all these lessons about love are really universal because dating is a skill and it can be taught at any age.
It is. So I didn't realize that most of your education, I guess, if you will, your practice was for the Gen Z and Millennials. Do you think that – because I really think that there's even a difference in dating from Gen Zs to Millennials. What are the over 55s called?
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Chapter 4: How do generational differences affect dating practices?
hard to like to get them out of that old school mindset that they have because I still feel like I have an old school mindset yeah so there's differences in each generation so I've done a lot of research on Gen Z I work as the director of relationship science at Hinge so I work at that dating app and then I get to do a lot of research one thing about Gen Z is a lot of them came of age during the pandemic I think that that did have a big impact on people's social skills right
Like imagine if you were in high school and like everyone in your class was talking to each other and flirting before class and then all of a sudden you're all home isolated on Zoom. You do sort of miss out on some of those essential flirting skills. You know, if your prom was canceled, you didn't have that prom date and that prom first kiss and all of that.
And so I do feel like with Gen Z there are some differences versus millennials. Also just being digital natives, growing up with phones, all of those things I think impact it. And then millennials are the first generation that really had dating apps. And I think that dating is so different now from even 10 years ago.
Like it used to be that people would meet through family and friends or at a bar or at work. And then since 2017, the number one way that people meet is online. I do think that that's just blowing up everything that we know about dating. Yes. And then for the older daters, a lot of them have been married. once or twice on this show.
And I feel like for the older daters, there's just a sense of I'm afraid to put myself out there or I'm dating the same way I always have. I feel like women can't make the first move. And so for those older daters, I spent a lot of time, especially the women, telling them to throw out that outdated rule book And really date for how people date now.
It's just so intimidating because I know how hard it is to change the smallest of habits. Now you're asking people to adjust and change in the most vulnerable of habits. And I think the older we get, the more stubborn we get to change. And the fact that you're able to do that, I mean, it's a testament to you and your skill. And it sounds so scary.
It really is. And yeah, there's a metaphor I like to use that like when you're in your 20s and you meet someone, you're both like these two unformed things that come together. So it's sort of like a startup, like you and your partner come together and you're like, we're going to build a life together and you're still very much becoming who you're going to become.
And then when you're older, you're really a complete being. And so is the other person. And so unlike a startup, it's like two companies coming together for a merger. And these mergers, as you know, are notoriously hard because it's like, who's going to be the CEO? Who's going to be the head of HR? And so for these older folks, some of them have lived alone for 20 years.
And the idea of combining closets, combining fridges, what time do we set the alarm in the morning? That's really hard for them.
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Chapter 5: How does Khloé's personal life impact her dating perspective?
So I am what people probably don't think about me. I'm actually very traditional in a relationship. Like I like the man to be the man, like lead. I always want to make the man feel like the man. Like even if someone makes more money than the other, I would never put that in someone's face or have them feel a certain way. I'm just not that person.
But what would that – like I don't need a man for anything, but I want them for – companionship i would think and just to live life with and create memories with i do want the help with my kids like i want my kids to see that there's a mommy and a daddy even if it's not their dad Am I saying this right?
Yeah, no, it totally makes sense. And sort of like for you maybe making the distinction between like there's an empty spot in my bed that I eventually want to fill, but that doesn't mean I'm taking anything away from my ex in terms of the kid's father.
It's just another person to love them. And that's how my mom, my dad, and my stepdad Did that seamlessly. Like I never felt like my stepdad was coming in and taking my father's place. My father was never excluded from anything. And my stepdad was never he never cared if we called him dad or Bruce or whatever.
He was so chill and fantastic about everything that it made us proud to have all three of them around. And then even when my dad would have different girlfriends, we all really liked most of them. Yeah.
Yeah, that's why I'm like, it's not about replacing. It's like adding an additional person to your life. But it does feel like you kind of have to decide that you want to date. And I don't know if you're there yet.
I don't think I am there yet. It really makes me nervous. But I also think it makes me nervous just because all the stuff I've been through, like I'm more it's. It's probably mainly, yes, about my kids is the number one, but then the next thing is like, oh, it's just so scary. How do you know that that's not going to happen again? Yeah.
Do you ever think about like if you weren't famous, if you weren't who you were, like what your life would be like?
Oh, all the time.
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Chapter 6: What are common challenges faced by women in modern dating?
But I also think that there is not all women, but I've noticed from some of my friend groups that some women like to hold that they are making more as a power move.
Yeah.
If we go out like there's certain things you could do, either if you have you want to have a joint credit card or even just like pass the credit card on to your man. That's what I've heard.
That's what I've heard. My friend is like a personal finance guy, Ramit Sethi, and he was saying how like this couple that he was coaching, the woman would give.
guy she was dating her credit card before the date because she wanted to have that experience of him putting the credit card out even though it was hers and like part of me is like that's so silly you're playing pretend and the other part is like no you're getting what you want but you're still covering it I think a mistake that people make in modern dating is trying to find their personality twin and then oftentimes like if your life of the party you don't need another life of the party person like two of you in the room and
Same room is too much. And I think people really need to think about finding your complement.
Yeah.
And so I wonder for you like what that looks like.
So the first thing I would want in any relationship is to feel safe. I think especially like now the older I am, I turned 40 this year and I feel like. I'm over. Like, I don't want to be worried about what you're doing. And I don't know if that's just like a forever feeling, but I don't think so. I think that most people feel like secure in their relationships and they're like, no, we're good.
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Chapter 7: What is the concept of 'Penthouse People' in relationships?
And so, you know, we started hanging out a little bit more. And then eventually I was like, hey, I don't have plans on Friday. You should ask me out, which is I asked him out. I love that. Yeah, and then that really became our love story. And that was 10 years ago. And so I feel like I had been chasing these sparky guys who were, you know,
so dynamic and charismatic and as soon as you meet them you want to be around them more but instead I married this slow burn guy who I feel like not everyone else saw how special he was but 10 years later I'm like I feel like I won the lottery and you did yeah I'm sure everyone is like we need the slow burn right but I I want to train people to look for the slow burn because like the spark is so attractive and
And I feel like there's all these myths of the spark. Like one is that if it's the right person, you'll feel instant chemistry. That's just not true. Sometimes you have to get to know someone more. I'm sure you have people like this in your life where every time you see them, you like them more and more because they open up. Yes.
Versus some people are super sparky when you meet them and you're like, oh, I really felt something with that guy. And then your friend's like, I really felt something with that guy, too. It's like, no, that guy's just really sparky. Right. And it can feel confusing. And sometimes that spark is actually anxiety and alarm bells that we mistake for butterflies. Right.
And then the third myth is that if you have a spark at the beginning, then it's going to be a great long term relationship. Right. And that's not true. Think about how many relationships start with a spark and then burn out really quickly. And a lot of people that I've met, they stay with the wrong person because they met the right way. What do you mean by that?
It's like people are just so obsessed with the love story. Got it. I was supposed to get on this flight, but I missed it. And then he was in line with me at TSA. And if I had made that flight and it's like they love telling that story and they're ready to tell that story in their vows. But then they reject the fact that like this relationship is actually not that good.
And I think like, you know, I love Disney movies. I love rom-coms, but they do create this idea that the how you met is so important. And if you're with someone for 50 years, the day that you meet is .0055% of your total time together. So who cares how you met? You can meet in an unromantic way and have a very romantic relationship. Do you feel like you're guilty of falling for the spark?
Yes.
What does it feel like for you?
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Chapter 8: How can one overcome the obsession with instant chemistry?
that's spot on 100 i don't put myself out there i haven't been on one date like not one really three years like i don't yes like i don't even think i'm looking i'm not interacting with the opposite sex like unless you're already in my life a friend of mine right but i'm like no no no no closed for business don't talk to me if you met a great guy and i truly don't know how you're meeting strangers like would you feel open to it you're like stranger danger i know stranger danger i
And what's crazy is I tell myself or my friends when they ask me, are you open to it? I'm like, yes, I'm open to it. But where am I – like if I'm really laying it out there, I don't even go anywhere I think to be open to it.
Okay. So I was thinking before our conversation like where would you meet people? It's like you're not going to be on an app. I don't think that – So people always ask me if I'm on Riot.
Yeah.
It's, like, application only. It does tend to attract, like, certain celebrities or athletes, but it's, like, I just... I can't really see you with where you are in life, like, being on an app. I can't either.
Yeah.
And so, like, wait, this idea just, like, popped into my head. Okay. Okay, imagine if you're, like, two... weekdays a month I'm gonna have a dinner party in my house and I'm gonna ask friends to bring random people guys like men and women like not like putting pressure on it not making it into a dating show and then just putting yourself in situations where you're meeting more people like
safe people that someone's vouching for and it's not a one-on-one date where you feel like okay like am I going to introduce them to my kids or this is awkward that I have a man over but just exposing yourself to more new people in a safe way where you can see how they interact with you and other people and then through that maybe just like expanding your network and one of those people you'll have a crush on.
So what's crazy is I say that all the time. I'm like, I used to do Taco Tuesdays. Oh, cute. Like every week. And it was called Tattle Free Tuesdays because I was like, whoever comes and if you guys want to smooch in the corner, like nobody's talking. Who cares? It was just what I did before kids. But my friends were like, when are you doing Taco Tuesdays again? I'm like, it's a different version.
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