How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
3 Hidden Reasons Why Women Lose Interest in You—and How to Keep Them Attracted Long-Term! with Johnny Cassell
Thu, 13 Mar 2025
Have you ever had things start great with a woman only for her to suddenly pull away and say, “I’m not looking to date right now”? The truth is, that’s probably her polite way of saying, “I’m just not interested in you.” In this episode, renowned London-based dating coach Johnny Cassell reveals 3 hidden reasons why women lose interest—and how to keep them attracted to you for the long haul.You’re About to Learn:02:20: Why You Must First “Date Yourself” to Attract a Wonderful Girlfriend18:55: How NOT To Go from a “Wild Tiger to Tubby Housecat” in Her Eyes19:53: How to Escape the “Yawn Zone” When You Talk to Women20:12: Johnny’s Amazing Drill to Flirt at Starbucks And ALSO Get a Free Coffee!22:44: How Connell Approached and Instantly Attracted His Future Girlfriend30:19: The Right Way to Approach a Large Group of Women at a Bar—and the Wrong Way44:44: Johnny’s Secret to Talking to Women of Intimidating Beauty1:01:00: The One Action You Should Take this Week to Improve Your Love LifeListen now to attract—and keep—that incredible woman’s interest!LEARN MORE ABOUT JOHNNY CASSELL OR TO APPLY TO WORK WITH HIM:http://www.johnnycassell.comFOLLOW JOHNNY ON INSTAGRAM:@LondonDatingCoachTO BOOK A FREE 1-1 CONSULTATION CALL WITH CONNELL TO SEE IF 1-1 COACHING IS RIGHT FOR YOU:http://www.datingtransformation.com
Chapter 1: Why is it essential to date yourself before finding a partner?
So, Johnny, I want to start by asking you something we were talking about before we started recording, which is the idea of making sure that a single guy first has a good relationship with himself.
before he finds the right girlfriend the right woman to have for his partner in a relationship can you elaborate on that why is it important to first be good with you before you attract a girlfriend well first of all i think it's completely unreasonable to be asking for the best of someone else if we haven't got to the best place for ourselves so what does that mean i mean if we've if we're in a bit of a hiatus right now we've come out of a long-term relationship
we may have lost parts of ourselves that gave us joy, right? We dedicated our whole life to the relationship. If there's kids involved, you know, there's that too. Work, you know, has took its toll on us. We forgot about the things that give us joy. So a great hack would be to think, okay, what are those things that actually lift me up?
make me feel good, give me that euphoric moment in my life, whether it be music, sports, hanging out with friends. It could be simply just sitting down watching a film that you used to watch for nostalgia. Whatever those things are, take the time to reconnect with them. I mean, the other day, you know, I went out for a walk by myself, right?
And I think there's a lot to be said on actually taking the time to take yourself out on a date. Right? There's a lot of peace that comes with that, especially if you live a busy lifestyle. So we all know the work that we need to do as well. A lot of us just kind of put it off. There was a great post-fight talk that I saw from Conor McGregor when he was, you know, having a lot of his fights.
And it was one of the fights that he lost. And, you know, you know what he's like. You know, he plays the role. He plays the character. You know, he's a cocky, arrogant guy. It sells tickets, right? And he said, his quote was, yeah, we all know what the work is we need to do. We just need to get on and do it. And he himself said, you know, I didn't put the work in and I let myself down.
I let my team down. I let everyone around. I let the fans down. So... Take stock of where you are and work out what those things are to be the 2.0 version of yourself. I love that idea.
Taking yourself out for a date. Finally, a date I know that won't end in the friend zone for me. A solo. Impossible, right? I know I'm going to get lucky. I know it. Talk a little, that's a fascinating concept. Why does that help a man with the women he meets? Is it that women can sense a guy who just feels good about himself?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, there's a lot that comes from it. I mean, if I was to think about that day where I took myself out for a walk, you know, I'm being more observational. I'm enjoying the small things like grabbing a coffee, walking through the markets, having a bit of a back and forth with the shopkeepers, the charity workers or the people at the food stall.
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Chapter 2: What are some common mistakes men make that turn them from a 'tiger' to a 'housecat'?
That's attractive.
Yeah. Yeah, one of my very first coaches helped me approach women, get really good at quote unquote old school pickup. I remember he used to always talk about, you want to amuse yourself. You got to draw your positive state from inside of you. Because if a woman feels like you're relying on her to make you happy, that can be repellent to women, right?
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. We've got to be the value adder. We've got to be looking at ways to add value, where it's our energy, where we are on the hierarchy in our careers and in life.
To me, that's the essence of masculinity, or one of the essences of masculinity, is giving. And in fact, I saw a video you did right before we hopped on. I was doing a little research, because I try to be prepped. And you did a video, it ran somewhere on YouTube, where you said, the masculine is about giving, and the feminine is about receiving. That's nature.
And what I'm hearing you say, and feel free to elaborate and correct me if I'm wrong, is the masculine is giving. And that's a very generous place to come from, right?
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Chapter 3: How can self-amusement improve your interactions with women?
It is, it is. And of course, like if we are doing all those things, you know, like going out,
making the money you know taking care of the home you know take make doing as much as we can so she doesn't have to adopt masculine traits then you are going to experience a woman that is truly in her feminine the the more strain you have on yourself and then you you kind of have to cooperate the household then she's going to adapt more masculine traits So it's just I mean, that obviously exists.
Right. And it's a it's a polarity in all of us that we have, you know, the masculine and the feminine. But if you truly want a woman to be completely in a feminine, then you have to adopt the masculine traits.
How do we how does a man convey those traits in a way that is authentic, genuine to who he is at the same time? good quote unquote strategy that women notice?
I think one thing we can all do, right, is a simple little task is when you, when you next go to a restaurant, it's, you know, taking the leadership of maybe ordering the food, right? Like ask, would you mind if, if, if I could, if I have, I have a few suggestions, would you mind if I take the, do the order? Cool. That's attractive. She's being led. You're leading her to the experience.
When it comes to dates, we know this. We have this on day one. When we meet a woman, we get a number. We want to prove to them that we're the man. So you're saying, okay, meet me next Wednesday, 8 o'clock at this restaurant. So straight away, she's like, okay, this guy, he's taking care of things. That's attractive. That's cool. He's got it.
But then what slowly seems to happen is, you know, we get softer and softer and softer in the relationship. So it's like you're displaying yourself as this wild, untameable sort of tiger and you get softer and softer and softer until you turn into like a tubby domestic house cat. And that's when you lose attraction. It happens to the best of us, man.
It happens to the best of us because things are nice, right? Things are nice. Things are good. Things are going well. I don't necessarily need to go out and be the planner. Once you've got the goal, the game doesn't stop. It's just a different game.
Yeah, you start off as a lion, you end up Garfield.
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Chapter 4: What is the 'Yawn Zone' and how can you avoid it?
So how are you able to look after us if there becomes a problem between us? You know, that... When I heard that story, I was like, wow. I mean, that's hard, but that's a very good lesson, right? And I remember just on the same sort of realm of that... I remember being at a pre-Bafta party here in London. This was like going back 10 years ago. And it was the who's who of the scene.
I mean, I knew a few actors there, but I didn't know all the big wigs, the directors and producers, all this stuff. And I was at the bar and I was chatting to this...
bit of an older lady and had been in that scene for a while and um we got talking about how much money a man should make you know and she goes well you know i i tried dating a guy that was earning under 100 grand before it didn't really work and i was just like whoa i was a young guy at the time you know i was like Well, I mean, 100 grand is quite a lot of money for me.
That's quite a lot of money. But it was an eye-opener back then because she had a point. I think a lot of us haven't thought about the money. We learned all the dating stuff, like how to attract a woman, how to be more charismatic, have the right mindset. But we haven't looked at about getting our money right.
And what happens is you can build yourself to be the most charismatic, charming guy, speak like James Bond and the rest of it. But if you haven't worked on the core stuff, you're just a placeholder.
for someone else when they come along just like my friend right as he was called out by his girlfriend and just like this woman rightfully said i mean a hundred grand a year it's a lot of money in some districts but depending on where you are
It's probably treble that, that you need to make because you're thinking about, well, that's my money, you know, I need another hundred to maybe retire my partner, you know, or, or. You know, looking after the parents or whatever, and investments and stuff like that.
So I guess, you know, for the, when I'm not working with the guys that have already got that stuff sorted out, that's, that's also another conversation I'm having with, with guys just to make them aware of, of that kind of things, because otherwise you're just a short term hold.
Okay. On the topic of money and status, one thing I noticed early on in my figuring out success with women in my journey was how women notice our behaviors. Big, small, nuanced, the way we talk to the bartender, the way we talk to the waiter, all the little sub-communications that come out. I noticed that women noticed.
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Chapter 5: What are some creative ways to break social patterns and stand out?
So in every social scenario, you've got to think, what's the pattern here I need to break? Like this is one we can all relate to. Like maybe we go to the Starbucks or Costa or whatever it is and we order a coffee. Your goal is to get a free coffee, right? And you do that just by choosing to put a smile on the server's face. We've all got the ability to give ourselves a silly name on that cup.
When she says, oh, what's your name? You put Spider-Man or Snoop Dogg or silly bollocks or whatever it is. And then she's going to shout that out. Yeah. and then you've made her laugh right you've made others around you laugh right it's so easy to then open up whoever's around you because you're the funny guy
I never do that. I do the opposite. I do the opposite. I need your coaching at Starbucks. So here's what I fuck up. My name's Connell, and nobody gets it right. I get Colin and Connor, Carnal, which is my porn star name, a totally different identity. And when I go to Starbucks, I do the opposite of your good advice.
I give them my middle name, which is Timothy, because I just want them to get their order right. But you know what? That's boring. I'm going to be Spider-Man from now on.
Yeah, and that comes from where? It comes from deciding that today I'm going to go out and I'm going to be playful. Or I'm going to go out and fuck with people. I saw a guy the other day, and he was riding a Penny Farvan. You know those Victorian big wheel front, a small little frame and a small wheel on the back?
Yeah, like 19th century? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
did he wake up and think this is the plan today like that was his commute you mean i don't know i don't think so i thought yeah he goes oh he's obviously just started his day and thought you know what i'm gonna take the bike out today and i'm gonna i'm gonna ride it through a busy district that's the plan today i mean as ridiculous as that is we've got to take something from that guy you know like we've got to go out and think you know what's the plan today how can i have a playful day
Because I think a lot of pressure is put on ourselves when you realize that, okay, everything does come from the cold approach. Everything comes from your next interaction, your next business opportunity, your next romantic partner, your next useful friendship. You've got to break patterns and it starts by you choosing to go out there and be playful and giving people a different experience.
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Chapter 6: What’s the best way to approach a group of women with a man involved?
I'm often walking around with my headphones in. I'm not even listening to anything. But anyway, but circle back around to that dynamic is we've got to find out who the girlfriend is, right? So you've got to acknowledge the guy. You've got to go, okay, what's the story? So he's going to go, oh, this is my girlfriend. You know, it's so-and-so's birthday. So then you know, you've got the information.
You're obviously not going to step on his toes. That's just being an idiot. And if you've got a situation, I mean, one of my favorite stories, this is... It's actually going to feature in a book that's going to come out soon. I was working with this guy who's a bit of like a tech mogul. And he was a former Jehovah Witness, like such a contrast in life that he was moving himself into.
And we worked together throughout this week and he was petrified of women, got him very comfortable. And we walked into this bar and we saw this couple and what appeared to be this beautiful like Columbia model, right? I'm looking at that and I'm going, okay, well, she's available. You know, she's available. Like she's not part of the, she might be part of the couple.
I don't know what dynamic they got going on, but we don't know that, right? So I look around what's happened. I go, okay, they're there, they're drinking white wine. I'm thinking, how should we approach it? And she's already looked over a couple of times at him, right? So there's already been that nonverbal interest. And I come up with something. I go, okay, cool. here's what we're going to do.
Go to the bar and get them out. Like we were already drinking Malbec, like red wine, right? So it's like, go to the bar and get a Malbec, then slowly move over to a hold eye contact.
I didn't slowly remove her glass from her hand and replace it with the red and say something along the lines of a girl like you definitely looking like that definitely should be drinking a red and then slowly move your eyes off and then come walk back to me.
oh god it was it was i mean she did look like a bond girl and that is exactly what she needed to experience in that moment you just painted that picture and i could see the james bond movie happening in front of me yeah well i i i've just had a writer write that and i'm i do hope it is read in the way that i'm able to tell it because it's okay it's a beautiful moment So that then happened. Right.
And then what we needed from her is to show some availability. Right. So she had to then splinter off the interaction in order for him to make this a verbal interaction now. And I said to him, I like, look, that's what's going to happen next. She's going to move her over here and she's going to make, give us an opening and interaction will be able to happen. And that's what happened.
You know, he was looking over my shoulder. I was looking over his. I was like, yeah, here she comes, buddy. And he slowly moved over. And then I think the first words that came out of his mouth, he goes, I don't believe I've met you properly yet. you know, or I don't believe we've done names yet or something like that. I mean, it was just smooth dialogue. I mean, those are the moments we live for.
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