Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Tue, 25 Mar 2025
Why do we keep attracting people who trigger our deepest wounds—even when we think we’ve done the work? In this episode, we explore why romantic partners often reflect unresolved childhood pain and how these dynamics are invitations to grow. We talk about the importance of attachment styles, trauma responses, and why many of us pendulum swing between codependency and hyper-independence. If you’ve ever felt stuck in a “should I stay or go” relationship, we share guiding principles to help you find clarity—without bypassing your own healing. You’ll also hear how heartbreak can actually open the door to deeper self-love and emotional maturity, whether you’re single or partnered. I'm joined by Sheleana Aiyana, founder of Rising Woman, who shares her story of breaking old cycles and creating conscious love. Whether you're navigating heartbreak, deepening your current relationship, or wanting to prepare for conscious love, this episode is for you. === Have you watched our previous episode titled The Truth About Failure: Why It’s the Secret to Success Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/YdGji5Qf6IY === GUEST LINKS Instagram: @risingwoman @sheleanaaiyana Website: https://risingwoman.com/ ==== Alyssa Nobriga International, LLC - Disclaimer This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. We shall in no event be held liable to any party for any reason arising directly or indirectly for the use or interpretation of the information presented in this video. Copyright 2023, Alyssa Nobriga International, LLC - All rights reserved. === Want 3 Life-Changing Tools you can use on yourself (or your clients) from inside our Accredited Coaching Certification? Click here to get them for Free: https://www.alyssanobriga.com/tools 🎉 === Website: alyssanobriga.com Instagram: @alyssanobriga TikTok - @alyssanobriga Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/6b5s2xbA2d3pETSvYBZ9YR Apple Podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-human-potential/id1705626495
Chapter 1: How do past wounds influence romantic relationships?
If you feel that the relationship might not be right for you, be the kind of partner that is a match for the relationship that you want to co-create. Your partner will either rise to the occasion or they will make it starkly obvious that this relationship is not a match.
We have this idea, especially in our culture, that in order to be successful in relationship, the relationship has to look a certain way. And there's this perfectionism where we don't allow ourselves to actually have hard moments. The reality is when we are seeking perfection in ourselves, We aren't allowing ourselves to really fall apart to come back together.
And when a breakup feels overwhelming to the point where you just want to jump out of your own skin, chances are that's because it's unearthing past traumas or unfinished business.
Letting go with grace really does require open-palmed surrender to understand that it's an opportunity for you to know yourself on a deeper level, to clear what needs to clear in order for you to create the life that you really want. We can do all of the inner work. to prepare our hearts for love, but we don't get to control the way that our life and our love looks.
We only get to control how we show up in it.
Welcome back to the Healing and Human Potential podcast, where today we're talking about one of my favorite topics, relationships. We're going to be specifically talking about how our past wounds influence love, as well as what is the role with nervous system regulation work? How do we use it for greater self-regulation and connection?
And then also, how does the power of self-awareness really shape conscious relationships? Joining us today is Shalena from Rising Women, where we explore transformative insights around how do you know if you should go or stay in the relationship? How do you heal heartbreak with more grace? And how do you create a love that lasts? It is a good one. Let's dive in.
So when I was getting my internship and getting licensed to become a marriage and family therapist, I studied Imago psychotherapy, which I know you love. And for those that don't know, Imago, literally the word Imago means image in Latin. So this is the theory that we attract somebody who mirrors the parent or caregiver that we had a hard time with growing up so that we can heal.
But I know that Shay, you love this work as well. I would love to hear you explain it just to help everybody get on the same page. Like why do we attract who we attract? let's give a little bit of like context for our conversation.
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Chapter 2: Why is nervous system regulation important in relationships?
that prevents us from really being total in relationship, from really being ourselves. Also, there's this really trendy talk around the anxious avoidant dynamic, which is something I work in a lot. I work with a lot of women who would self-identify with anxious attachment. But when we really dig into the patterns, what we'll find is that most of these women are also afraid of commitment.
And when I say, how would it be if today the man of your dreams walked in the door and was a hundred percent in and ready to fully commit to you? And a lot of them say, well, that would freak me out. Right. And so it's also about this shadow work piece. Can I look at How am I allowing this pattern to keep me shielded from my own inner work or my own inner growth?
Or how is this protecting me from having to show up fully or be seen? A lot of us have a fear of being seen because we don't want to be hurt. So there's this ability to see ourselves and this surrender that has to happen to the fact that love and grief are inseparable, that allows us to just go fully into the experience to choose to have the experience, even if that does mean that it hurts.
And there's also a perfection seeking, which of course, is a whole other... Yeah, well, we have this idea, especially in our culture, that in order to be successful in relationship, the relationship has to look a certain way. It has to last forever. And there's this perfectionism where we don't allow ourselves to actually have hard moments.
I even find myself in this, especially, you know, I have a platform of millions of women. They have this idea of what my life and relationship looks like. So if I have a hard day or if I'm having a hard year, I think, oh my gosh, well, I'm not doing it right. But the reality is that life is messy and relationships are hard and we go through cycles and seasons. And so
When we are seeking perfection in ourselves, we aren't allowing ourselves to really fall apart to come back together. So we're not allowing the alchemy to happen as long as we're seeking perfection. So there is this letting go of that and understanding that when you enter into a conscious relationship, It's not the Instagram picture-perfect couple.
It's the day-to-day being companions, being friends, just having love for each other and being able to appreciate and admire one another. That really is the essence of conscious relationship. It isn't this picture-perfect, beautiful, passionate, romantic Hollywood scene. that so many of us imagine it to be every day. It's actually quite mundane.
So allowing ourselves also to drop into peace in relationship instead of seeking those highs and lows and knowing that when you get to a moment of peace, it doesn't translate to boring, which again, we're looping back to the nervous system. Does your nervous system have the capacity to be peaceful? Or is it just totally wired for those highs and lows, the roller coaster?
And that would make sense if somebody had a traumatic past, then they would think that trauma is safety unconsciously because that's what they've known. And so creating space for peace and allowing that to be the new set point, I think just bite-sizing that would be really helpful. I love the invitation for somebody to say, like, if my perfect person came in
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Chapter 3: What role does attachment theory play in adult relationships?
I think it's helpful for people to hear that because no matter what your past was, it does not define what you're capable of and that you can heal and you can have a secure attachment within yourself and with a partner. And I really want to double click on that because your story is such a testament to the work and how it does work.
Yeah. And I'm sure yours too. And it is possible. It's just the road to get there is hard. And I, I, I've been in my partnership now for 10 years almost, coming up in a couple of months here. And to be honest, we're going through another inner winter right now. It was the new moon last night. We just had a really beautiful conversation about commitments we're making to each other.
And when life changes, when you alter your reality or you change the way that the structure of your marriage looks, like by adding another person or somebody passes away or you move or whatever, there's going to be new things that come up. And so you have to be ready for cycles and seasons in the relationship.
You know, you can go through many deaths and rebirths together and it's not always going to be easy. And once you get to what we call true partnership, we've gone through the shadow together. You can find that you cycle back into old patterns or even new stuff is going to emerge and, Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
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