Sheleana Aiyana
Appearances
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
If you feel that the relationship might not be right for you, be the kind of partner that is a match for the relationship that you want to co-create. Your partner will either rise to the occasion or they will make it starkly obvious that this relationship is not a match.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
When we trust ourselves and we know what our yes and no feels like in our body, when we're really in our bodies and we're no longer looking for approval or seeking for somebody to choose us, but we're actually consciously choosing to be in relationship with people that feel good for us, then we know we're ready to be in a relationship.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And then that's when the next level of work starts because now both of your patterns are in the space and whatever work you thought you had done is going to come up in a new way. It's like every milestone that we hit. a new layer unfolds. So for my husband and I, we got together. I think we got engaged. It was around the three-year mark. And I'm sure you can relate.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
All of our attachment stuff started to come up. It was a really hard year. This happens to a lot of couples. Get married, everything's good. And then we hit this really easy place for a few years. We're at our seven-year and everything is
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
blissful we don't fight anymore our communication is so amazing you know our intimacy is great we're actually kind of bored not with each other but just with how easy life is and we think well this is the perfect time let's have a family because we're so strong and ready and then a family and everything feels like it's falling apart and here we are now ground zero having to
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
work through all of these layers that we didn't even know were there because we didn't have that activating force.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
These patterns are so covert. So, you know, my mother, she had me when she was really young, she came from a horrifically abusive background. And so she was essentially, you know, cognitively 10 years old. So her ability to care for me in any sort of consistent or stable way was just not there. And so my upbringing was really unstable, really chaotic.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And so I really carried the role of the caretaker and the savior for her throughout our relationship. You know, I was bringing her toothpaste and toothbrush on a cookie sheet when I was three years old while she was passed out in the bathroom. So I spent a lot of time alone, very young. By the time I was, you know, 14 years old, I was helping to pay for her
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
life where I was working, you know, multiple jobs already. So bringing that pattern into romantic relationship is one thing. And then once I thought I had healed it in romantic relationship, it covertly found its way into female friendships, you know? And I was like, Oh, this fricking pattern. It's just so covert and it will just find its way. to manifest in our lives.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And to be quite honest with you, you know, I'm 37. I, I still find that pattern trying to emerge. I have to be really, really mindful because I am just a magnet for people who could use a mother. It's part of my pattern. And so I have to be really mindful to have those boundaries, to hold people in their highest, to remind them of their own power. To not save people or rescue them.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And I find sometimes I have this urge to just make it easy for them. And I have to not do that. And it's uncomfortable. And I think that that's going to be something that I probably have to be mindful of for the rest of my life. And when we have something like that, we want to be careful that we don't pendulum swing to the other side. Because easily for me, I could just become so cutthroat.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
which I've had to be at times be like, no, I'm not doing this pattern anymore. And so therefore I'm just not even going to engage with this person, you know? And, but that doesn't work when we want to have community and connection and, and love. And so it really is just this lifelong learning and knowing ourselves and, and,
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
seeing the pattern for what it is as just an energetic force in our lives and understanding that we can work with it. Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Yeah. I mean, one of the core themes really is that piece that we just kind of covered, which is that projection of the parent and the caretaker without really realizing it, without really choosing to be responsible for what's coming up. There's a bit of a denial or an avoidance there. And so for most of us, it is that unfinished business with our parent.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
that prevents us from really being total in relationship, from really being ourselves. Also, there's this really trendy talk around the anxious avoidant dynamic, which is something I work in a lot. I work with a lot of women who would self-identify with anxious attachment. But when we really dig into the patterns, what we'll find is that most of these women are also afraid of commitment.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And when I say, how would it be if today the man of your dreams walked in the door and was a hundred percent in and ready to fully commit to you? And a lot of them say, well, that would freak me out. Right. And so it's also about this shadow work piece. Can I look at How am I allowing this pattern to keep me shielded from my own inner work or my own inner growth?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Or how is this protecting me from having to show up fully or be seen? A lot of us have a fear of being seen because we don't want to be hurt. So there's this ability to see ourselves and this surrender that has to happen to the fact that love and grief are inseparable, that allows us to just go fully into the experience to choose to have the experience, even if that does mean that it hurts.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
When I first started learning about this, it was not even through the Imago training. It was through transpersonal therapy. And then I sort of graduated into doing the couples therapy training and What I found was that in my own personal life, my ex-partner who was my ex-husband was the perfect projection of my mother wound.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And there's also a perfection seeking, which of course, is a whole other... Yeah, well, we have this idea, especially in our culture, that in order to be successful in relationship, the relationship has to look a certain way. It has to last forever. And there's this perfectionism where we don't allow ourselves to actually have hard moments.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
I even find myself in this, especially, you know, I have a platform of millions of women. They have this idea of what my life and relationship looks like. So if I have a hard day or if I'm having a hard year, I think, oh my gosh, well, I'm not doing it right. But the reality is that life is messy and relationships are hard and we go through cycles and seasons. And so
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
When we are seeking perfection in ourselves, we aren't allowing ourselves to really fall apart to come back together. So we're not allowing the alchemy to happen as long as we're seeking perfection. So there is this letting go of that and understanding that when you enter into a conscious relationship, It's not the Instagram picture-perfect couple.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
It's the day-to-day being companions, being friends, just having love for each other and being able to appreciate and admire one another. That really is the essence of conscious relationship. It isn't this picture-perfect, beautiful, passionate, romantic Hollywood scene. that so many of us imagine it to be every day. It's actually quite mundane.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
So allowing ourselves also to drop into peace in relationship instead of seeking those highs and lows and knowing that when you get to a moment of peace, it doesn't translate to boring, which again, we're looping back to the nervous system. Does your nervous system have the capacity to be peaceful? Or is it just totally wired for those highs and lows, the roller coaster?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
What's your relationship to commitment? It's a good question that I like to ask people. And a lot of times they're surprised by their answer, but it's so important to assess what is your relationship to commitment?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Because so often when we're coming into this space, we have this story that everyone around us doesn't want to commit and that we're just so tired of that pattern, but we're actually projecting it. We're projecting that onto these people that we're meeting that aren't showing up fully that are emotionally unavailable. And sure they are that, but what about you? Where are you at in this journey?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
We have this idea, especially in our culture, that in order to be successful in relationship, the relationship has to look a certain way. And there's this perfectionism where we don't allow ourselves to actually have hard moments. The reality is when we are seeking perfection in ourselves, We aren't allowing ourselves to really fall apart to come back together.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Are you actually ready? Like, do you actually want commitment on a deep nervous system level? Or is this an idea and you embody it? And what are you committed to already? What are you demonstrating to the universe that you're committed to? It might sound simple, but I honestly, I'm like, go and clean up your house, organize your finances, take care of those other pillars of your life.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
make sure that you are demonstrating commitment to yourself. if you want to have commitment from a partner.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
So when I went through that catastrophic divorce, which really hurt so bad because it was unearthing all of my past wounds.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
So in my book, I talk about fire and water, the elements really relating back to Anger and sadness. And these are our growth edges. If you're more in your fire, if you tend to be more walled up, more boundary, more defensive, then your growth edge is to lean into your softness and your vulnerability and to practice being seen. Your growth edge is to practice receiving.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
If you are a water being, chances are you might be quick to tears. You might be more comfortable with sadness, but you might have a negative relationship to anger. You might be afraid of it. You might think it's really negative.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
You might never want to be seen as angry and therefore you might be a people pleaser caretaker who struggles to set boundaries in their own life and puts everyone ahead of them.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
So then your growth edge is to lean into your fire and to begin to set some boundaries and to just put yourself first, choose yourself in these little moments where you could be worrying about what everybody else thinks, but you're going to live life for you. Not at the expense of everyone around you all the time. We have to be interdependent in our relationships.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
But water beings tend to be over givers. And so I really encourage people to look at that pattern to kind of understand where are we leaning? So if we are more on the avoidant end of the spectrum versus the anxious avoidance of the spectrum, the avoidance, obviously your practice is to lean in and move toward the uncomfortable feeling when it's arising.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
To be able to hold yourself and them, but also to tune more into what is actually happening for you, because the avoidant tends to just deny their own experience to the point where they're not even in tune with what they're experiencing. They don't even know what they're feeling.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
what I came to realize through that was that most of our conflicts, the ways that I rejected him, the ways that I was repulsed by him, all of the anger and even the grief on the other side of it that I was feeling was all really related to my early childhood wounds and that unfinished business. And so when I really started doing the mock-up of
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
They just know that they're tired, that they don't want to deal with this or that it's too overwhelming or it's whatever the label is.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Well, the avoidant is primarily avoiding their own experience. That's why they avoid because what they're saying is, I don't want to feel this. And you just mirroring this emotion to me, showing me this experience, it's causing me to feel something that I don't want to feel. I'm going to remove myself. So the anxious person's making it all about them, but actually it's not.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
We're each in our own trigger. We're both anxious, but we're dealing with it very differently. The avoidant is even less connected to their own experience. They really need to practice, which is exactly what the anxious person needs to do with a different framework, being in their body and actually feeling themselves. And not taking on that other person.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Yes. Yeah. And for that anxious person, they're tending to want to eject from their experience and to have their partner fix it for them. right? Energetically, unconsciously, it's a save me energy. Save me from this uncomfortable feeling. I don't want to feel this. This is your fault. Fix me, you know?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And so, of course, even just on a polarity level, if you just look at the energetics of that, even if a person isn't extremely avoidant, that type of behavior is going to push somebody away. Because When you're coming towards somebody, they either have to move away to create space for themselves or completely merge with you.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
So a lot of times, we're sort of building a self-fulfilling prophecy by chasing and pursuing. And so that anxious person, when they're feeling uncomfortable, they really need to learn how to pause and be with those sensations. Like I said in the beginning, we're widening our capacity to be with our big emotions and our sensations. So if we can both hold those...
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Then we can come together and support each other without enmeshing into each other. Can I be with you while I be with me? Can I feel myself and also witness you in your experience without rejecting you or being repulsed by you or feeling like I have to save you? Can I honor my internal experience and still feel what I'm feeling? And can I also give you space if that's what you really need, right?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
If you're an internal processor and you can't handle this external expression right away and you need time and space, that doesn't necessarily make you an avoidant. What makes somebody more avoidant is when they just shut down, stonewall, disappear, refuse to engage, don't reassure, don't make a commitment for a future conversation. They take days to repair or they just ghost.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
These are unhealthy, semi-emotionally abusive behaviors. Saying, hey, I need a half an hour or I need to take two hours. I need to go to the gym and work out and then we can have a conversation. I need to regulate. that's fair.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
the template of that relationship and of that partner. And then I started to look at what I call core emotional themes, which are like the themes of how you feel in every single relationship. I realized that I had been carrying forth these core beliefs that stem from my own childhood wounds into every relationship. So we tend to unconsciously call in a partner
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Absolutely. And my husband and I made agreements like that, you know, we don't have this particular pattern now. But you know, when we were two years in, it was quite inflamed. And we were pretty surprised by how much this pattern was arising. But when we really dug into our own childhood wounds, it made perfect sense why it was happening.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And we both had to do our own in our work in order for the pattern to heal. And a because the pattern was so strong. So I had to really find a way to remove myself in those moments and go and work with my inner child and start to heal that deep fear of abandonment and that terror that was coming up in my nervous system.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
I have a lot of these meditations and different visualizations in my book because it really did help me start to widen my capacity to the point where now we just don't have those patterns emerge. Like our nervous system patterns are not of chase and avoid because we've worked through it and we understand it.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Yeah. And I'm sure yours too. And it is possible. It's just the road to get there is hard. And I, I, I've been in my partnership now for 10 years almost, coming up in a couple of months here. And to be honest, we're going through another inner winter right now. It was the new moon last night. We just had a really beautiful conversation about commitments we're making to each other.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And when life changes, when you alter your reality or you change the way that the structure of your marriage looks, like by adding another person or somebody passes away or you move or whatever, there's going to be new things that come up. And so you have to be ready for cycles and seasons in the relationship.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
You know, you can go through many deaths and rebirths together and it's not always going to be easy. And once you get to what we call true partnership, we've gone through the shadow together. You can find that you cycle back into old patterns or even new stuff is going to emerge and, Thank you.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
who's going to mirror back some of the most challenging aspects of our caretakers in an attempt for our psyche to complete, right? To heal. Now the challenge always is, is that they're also doing that. And as it would go, we tend to attract somebody who has a really hard time giving us that thing that we want the most. And in fact, the very thing that they do as their main coping mechanism is
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
tends to be the exact thing that triggers our deepest wound and ours to them, right? And so it's crazy making. You're like, what? We're supposed to mate. We all deeply want to be seen, heard, and understood. And yet we attract these partners, right? where it just hurts so much and it's so overwhelming.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And so when we can understand that there is a spiritual purpose to relationship, and it's not just about feeling good and having all of our needs met, it's actually about our own soul's evolution and growth. Then we are able to sit in our own wholeness. And come to the table as co-creators to be allies in each other's healing.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
To say, okay, I can see how you are encouraging me to grow and to stretch by mirroring back my deepest wounds. And I'm doing the same for you. And so if we're each able to take full accountability and responsibility, then that's when we're able to heal. And what happens so often is that we get caught in these wounded projections and we aren't able to see the lesson.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
You know, one of the misconceptions is that a breakup is just something to get on with, to get over. And I think that a breakup is actually a really important milestone in your life because And it's an initiation to deeper spiritual awareness. And so grief is that portal for you to know yourself deeper.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And when a breakup feels really intense and it feels overwhelming to the point where you just want to jump out of your own skin, chances are that's because it's unearthing past traumas or unfinished business. Even with your parents, yes, but ex-lovers, have you really let yourself grieve?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And so this piece around letting go with grace, it really does require open-palmed surrender to understand that this is happening for a reason. It's an opportunity for you to know yourself on a deeper level, to clear what needs to clear in order for you to create the life that you really want. And that it's going to take time. There's no timeline on grief.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
You can't mark a date on your calendar and decide that that's when you're going to be over it. There are soul lessons that we come here with. And sometimes we need a crisis or we need a deep rupture to break us open so that we're ready.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
ready to really do whatever it takes to not feel this immense pain anymore, which is why so many people find themselves coming to the inner work when they are in crisis. So seeing it as an opportunity to grow and also bringing care to the process so that you give yourself the opportunity to
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
complete whatever needs to be completed and know that you don't need that other person to do anything, say anything or change in order for you to heal. Whether they're willing to participate with you or not in this closing, you can get complete on your own. There's so much more, but I would say that those are the foundational pieces.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Yeah, the piece that's really coming through is around timing. So I We can do all of the inner work to prepare our hearts for love, but we don't get to control the timing of what that looks like. And you could be with the person of your dreams and have a dream relationship and they could still go away, right? We all die. We don't get to control the way that our life and our love looks.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
We only get to control how we show up in it. So if you're still waiting, remember that you're not broken and that the timing isn't up to you. And try to really live life in flow with what you are passionate about and what you love and what you desire now instead of really sitting and waiting. And it is a lifelong practice to be open to what life is in front of us versus the life that we imagined.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
We're not able to see the soul lesson. And we're not able to see that on some level we're choosing this. as an attempt to grow. And so we become enemies with our partners really quickly. So it's just that little shift. It's that perspective shift. And of course, as you know very well, you have to have two people who are willing to dive in.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And sometimes those two line up perfectly and other times they don't. And that is a ceremony in itself.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
You can find me on Instagram at rising woman and at Shalina Iona. My website is rising woman.com. And of course my books, I have a becoming the one and becoming the one journal. And those are available in bookstores worldwide on Amazon. And I have a few more books coming out in the coming years. So
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
You can just stay in touch with me that way through Instagram and through my email list on my website.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
But in my experience, that pattern of attracting somebody who is like a caretaker, it follows us all the way through to the end of life. And so the template is the template, but how the template expresses can shift based on the energy you bring to it.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And when a breakup feels overwhelming to the point where you just want to jump out of your own skin, chances are that's because it's unearthing past traumas or unfinished business.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Absolutely. And it's so complex because we're really fed this narrative, especially on social media. Now it's all about like choosing a partner who, you know, makes you feel a certain way. And while I do agree, there's definitely something to that. We want to be able to choose partners who can. support us in our growth, who can love us, who can help us feel safe.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Letting go with grace really does require open-palmed surrender to understand that it's an opportunity for you to know yourself on a deeper level, to clear what needs to clear in order for you to create the life that you really want. We can do all of the inner work. to prepare our hearts for love, but we don't get to control the way that our life and our love looks.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
There's definitely going to be moments where they don't do any of that and where they're actually your nightmare for being right. I'm not talking about abuse or anything like that, but just in general. relationships are triggering. They unearth all of our deepest fears and insecurities and wounds, and it's difficult.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And so we really do want to sort of shift the perspective that in every given moment, this person is there to help you feel a certain way and instead understand that, especially when you're both triggered, that is not the time to feel safe in them. This is a time to feel safe in yourself, right?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And to take the space that you both need in order to then come back together and recreate that safety to repair. Because in those moments, if you're desperately seeking for them to help you feel safe and to fix this problem, which is really just this uncomfortable feeling and sensation that you're in, in the moment, it's not going to go well because they don't have the capacity either.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
As soon as our nervous systems are activated, we don't have the capacity anymore to do repair work. This idea that it needs to happen instantly, it's just not, it's not realistic.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Yeah. Well, I think one of the key pieces that is often missed is the nervous system work. Truly. In all of my programs through Rising Woman, I don't have any offers where I don't have somatic experiencing practitioners working with these people because the nervous system is a core foundational piece. You can have
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
All of the knowledge you can take all of the workshops, you can know all of the tantric practices, you can do all of the meditations and you can understand your patterns. But if your nervous system is patterned to go into fight or flight or freeze anytime a core wound is activated. then there's nothing else that's going to take precedent. Your nervous system is going to lead the way.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And so I really encourage people to bridge the spiritual understanding of relationship with these tantric tools with the nervous system foundation. So understanding how your nervous system responds when you are triggered, when you are scared, when you are anxious, what happens for you and what happens for your partner.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
So that you can start to bring empathy and compassion to them in those moments, right? When my husband and I can see each other going into a nervous system pattern that is a coping mechanism, because we understand each other's core wounds so deeply, we can make sense of it. We understand what's happening. Doesn't necessarily make it easy, but there's that understanding.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And so having that peace and knowing how to be with yourself those moments. So one of the pieces of somatic work that I weave in with everybody is, can I be with you while I be with me? Can I widen my capacity to hold this big emotion or sensation so that I don't need to offload it onto you, so that I don't need to try to eject from my experience?
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
We only get to control how we show up in it.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
The more we can be with ourselves in those hard moments, the more we can be with the other as well. So widening the capacity, that's taking a moment to pause instead of reacting or instead of saying something or instead of even pursuing for repair in that moment, can you take a pause? That's a tool.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And then of course we have things like doing the clearings and all of that, but you want to time it, right? If you try to sit down and do a clearing while you are both at the peak of your triggers, It's just going to escalate into a fight. Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
Of course. And I always say it's just different work, right? It's just different work. When you're on your own, it's almost, in many ways, it's easier. It's just not as hot of a fire, right? Because you're just working through your own karmic soul lessons. As soon as you enter into a relationship, now you've taken on their soul lessons too.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And you've sort of made this commitment to wade through each other's muck together. My book, Becoming the One, is that foundational piece. It's all about understanding your own patterns. What's in the way? What are your beliefs about love? What do you actually value? What does relationship really mean to you? It's sort of a repatterning.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And I wrote that book because I come from a history of intense childhood trauma, of abuse, addiction, betrayal, abandonment, you name it. So my relationship patterns have been chaotic to say the least. And it's not been an easy time for me. The fact that I'm even in a,
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
a relationship in a marriage and I've been in it for 10 years and I have a family, you know, I'm often just starting to really give myself credit for that because I'm like, wow, it is actually incredible that I'm here. And then I'm doing that, you know, on my hardest days, like, you know what, you're just, you're doing it. You're here.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
And for those of us who come from backgrounds where we didn't have that divine protection and love that we all have, expect when we are infants and children it's harder it is and so the inner work is always with us when we're on our own you know you don't have to be perfectly healed or complete in your journey because you're never complete in order to attract a partner and
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
However, I will say if you find that you are out of your center, if you feel desperate for connection, if you feel like you need a partner because you just can't handle being with yourself, chances are you will attract a partner who is not an energetic match for your true essence. And you will probably attract a partner who will not be for your highest good.
Healing + Human Potential
Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
If you attract a partner from that energy. So no, you don't have to be perfectly healed. And there is certainly a level in which I would say to somebody, you know what, perhaps it's time to take a break from dating for now and focus on your relationship to self. And then what happens when we have that secure foundation within ourselves is