Habits and Hustle
Episode 408: Robert Greene: Are We All Narcissists? + Tips for Self-Awareness
Fri, 20 Dec 2024
Listen to the full episode here: https://youtu.be/VKvDPETfoIM?si=jiFLE73nwYdcNQb3 Do you ever feel like you're just putting on an act to get attention and love from others? In this bonus episode, I talk with Robert Greene who dives deep into the concept of narcissism and how it affects all of us. We discuss how narcissism develops, and how each person has a “thermostat” for regulating self-absorption. We also share the key for developing healthy relationships despite our selfishness. Robert Greene is an American author known for his books on strategy, power, and seduction. He is the man behind the international bestsellers: The 48 Laws of Power, The Art of Seduction, The 33 Strategies of War, The 50th Law (with rapper 50 Cent), Mastery, and The Laws of Human Nature. What we discuss: All humans have narcissistic tendencies Narcissism develops in childhood as a coping mechanism We are drawn to people who reinforce our self-image Deep narcissism results from dysfunctional parenting Attention-seeking behavior stems from inner emptiness We have a "thermostat" regulating self-absorption And more… Thank you to our sponsors: Therasage: Head over to therasage.com and use code Be Bold for 15% off TruNiagen: Head over to truniagen.com and use code HUSTLE20 to get $20 off any purchase over $100. Magic Mind: Head over to www.magicmind.com/jen and use code Jen at checkout. BiOptimizers: Want to try Magnesium Breakthrough? Go to https://bioptimizers.com/jennifercohenand use promo code JC10 at checkout to save 10% off your purchase. Timeline Nutrition: Get 10% off your first order at timeline.com/cohen Air Doctor: Go to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code HUSTLE for up to $300 off and a 3-year warranty on air purifiers. Find more from Jen: Website: https://www.jennifercohen.com/ Instagram: @therealjencohen Books: https://www.jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: https://www.jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagements Find more about Robert Greene’s: Website - https://powerseductionandwar.com/
Chapter 1: What is the main theme of narcissism discussed in this episode?
Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits & Hustle. Crush it! Hey friends, you're listening to Fitness Friday on the Habits & Hustle podcast, where myself and my friends share quick and very actionable advice for you becoming your healthiest self. So stay tuned and let me know how you leveled up.
Chapter 2: How does childhood impact the development of narcissistic tendencies?
One of your things was, and I think it was 48 Laws of Power, was to be kind of like, to kind of be flamboyant in a way, to stand out, right? That's one of your points.
So at what point is someone being authentic and that's who they are versus putting on a show or an act because they know they're being somewhat manipulative because they know, like a Madonna, for example, or that if they don't stand out, they'll just kind of like fade into the background, right?
Well, the quality of being a kind of a show off is something that you either have or don't have. It's hard to put it on. It's hard to fake it. You know, what you can do is you can learn, you sense when you're a child, when you're eight years old, that when I'm dramatic, When I make a show of something, when I have a tantrum, people pay attention to me.
And then you learn, if you're a manipulative type or you're power hungry, learn how to use that energy. Maybe you become an actor. Maybe you become a politician or whatever. And you channel it into that and you learn to exaggerate it. You learn to use it for effect. But I don't think you can turn an introvert into someone who likes to show off and be an exhibitionist.
Chapter 3: What are the nine types of seducers and how do they relate to narcissism?
I think it's very difficult because you have to kind of have pleasure and enjoy that element of getting that kind of attention. And not everybody has that. So the art of seduction is all about that. The art of seduction, I talk about the nine types of seducers. And one of them is the type that we're talking about here.
And what I'm trying to say is you out there, the listener, you fit one of these nine archetypes. It's sort of who you are. You were wired that way. And the game is to be aware of who you are. Oh, I'm a siren. I'm a rake. I'm a charmer. And then to exaggerate it, to bring it out more. And my view of humans is we are all actors. None of us go around in our social lives just being who we are.
We don't tell people, oh, you don't look so good today. Oh, your screenplay sucks. We are the opposite, right? We learn early on to act. Some people are better actors than others. But you need to be an actor in life. And I don't think there should be anything negative attached to it. It's just, your question is, how do we know whether it's authentic or not? I think you can feel it to a degree.
So, you know, when you see a performer and they're giving everything, there's a sense of, you know, it feels real. Yeah, you do. Sometimes there are people that are rock stars and musicians or actors where it does feel like they're kind of having to fake it. I mean, we can sense the difference.
When something's contrived, you feel.
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Chapter 4: Why are deep narcissists often successful in their careers?
Right.
Yeah. I mean, you know, now circling right back again to human nature, you're talking a lot about how we're all some level. We're all narcissistic to some capacity, right? But I found it interesting. You were saying that the deep narcissists tend to end up being quite successful in life.
They can be.
Right? They'd be like a CEO of a technology company. Yeah. Is it because... Tell me, well, why don't you talk about that a little bit? I'm interested in that. Why? Why do you think they can be? Because...
Well, okay, so to do that, I have to explain why we are all narcissists. I'll try and make it as brief as possible.
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Chapter 5: What role does self-awareness play in managing narcissistic traits?
You don't have to be brief at all. I love having you here. I don't want you to ever go.
Okay.
Be as long-winded as possible.
Okay, don't tell me that. You're going to regret saying that. I will not. Trust me. Well, I'm trying to say to the reader of this book that Get off your high horse. Stop saying, oh, it's the other person who's aggressive. It's the other person who's got envy, not me.
I love that when you said that. It's always that person who is that person.
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Chapter 6: How can we build healthy relationships despite our narcissistic tendencies?
Yeah. No, you are implicated. We're all cut from the same cloth. We all have the same flaws. We all have the same tendencies. We all have selfish, narcissistic tendencies. We are all to some degree self-absorbed. So get over this. The person who says, oh no, I'm not a narcissist, is the biggest fucking narcissist of them all. Because they're singling themselves out as if they're superior.
This is a sure sign of narcissism. Where does it come from? It comes from the fact that when we were children, we had a lot of attention. Most of us, not all of us, had a lot of attention from our parents. And then a point is reached when we're four years old, maybe a little earlier,
where they start withdrawing that attention because they realize we have to be independent, because they have other siblings to attend to, because they have other things. So you're not getting that intense attention that you got from the mother or even the father early on. And it's a very painful moment. You have to start to learn to be independent.
And the process that we go through is we develop a self, an image of ourselves. It's almost like you're looking at yourself and it's projected on a wall. And that self has good qualities. You love that self. It has, you know, it has things that you're comfortable with. It has certain tastes and desires that you, who you are and you like that.
And so in those moments when you feel pain, when you feel abandoned, when you don't feel you get your attention, you're able to withdraw into yourself and not feel so bad. You're able to get the love from yourself. You don't depend on other people. You're not aware of that process because it all happened unconsciously. But psychologists have demonstrated, have cataloged it.
It's a very real phenomenon. And so slowly, unconsciously, you develop this idea of yourself, this kind of ideal version of who you are. And as you get older, this tendency gets stronger and stronger. You like other people who share your own values. You like other people who flatter you. You like people who like you. These are all signs of your self-absorption of your narcissism.
There's nothing negative about it. Stop judging yourself. Every single person you know has these tendencies. Even St. Teresa had these tendencies, all right?
It's so true, though, when you think about it, right? Like, we tend to like the people who like us the most, right? That's just what we do, right? Like, if someone flatters, they'll say, oh, you're so great, you're so nice, you're so this, you're so that. Because it makes you feel good, you want to be around that person, obviously.
Right. And look on social media. Who do you glom on to? You glom on to the people who have the same values, the same ideas as you because they're like mirrors to yourself. Mirrors to yourself. You're looking at yourself when you look at them and their nice feelings and their good ideas are your good ideas as well. So you're a narcissist. Just admit it. The deep narcissist.
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