Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Tue, 20 May 2025
Did you know that 80% of people don’t know how to identify their feelings? In this episode, I sit down with Michelle Chalfant, licensed therapist, holistic coach, and creator of The Adult Chair model. She talks about the real root of your triggers, why most people don’t know how to set boundaries, and how your subconscious programming shapes everything from your romantic relationships to your leadership style. We dive into a powerful inner child process LIVE on this episode to break down how unhealed wounds show up in everyday life and tangible ways to rewire them. Get ready to feel seen, heard, and validated into the MOST emotionally FREE version of YOU. Remember, your emotions are not a weakness—they're YOUR superpower. In This Episode, You Will Learn 00:00 Why were most of us never taught how to set healthy boundaries? 07:00 How childhood modeling impacts your adult emotional patterns. 12:15 What your emotional triggers are actually trying to show you. 17:00 The unconscious belief systems formed before age 6. 24:30 How to reconnect with your inner child to heal abandonment. 29:00 LIVE demonstration of healing the “fear of being left”. 35:00 Why are romantic relationships the biggest mirror for your emotional wounds? 38:45 How reparenting your inner child transforms your confidence and relationships. 44:45 What to do when someone resists your new boundaries. Resources + Links Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/monahan Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at NetSuite.com/MONAHAN. Want to do more and spend less like Uber, 8x8, and Databricks Mosaic? Take a free test drive of OCI at oracle.com/MONAHAN. Get 10% off your first Mitopure order at timeline.com/CONFIDENCE. Get 15% off your first order when you use code CONFIDENCE15 at checkout at jennikayne.com. Call my digital clone at 201-897-2553! Visit heathermonahan.com Sign up for my mailing list: heathermonahan.com/mailing-list/ Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Follow Heather on Instagram & LinkedIn Michelle on Instagram & LinkedIn
Chapter 1: Why were most of us never taught how to set healthy boundaries?
Our emotions are our superpower. When we learn how to touch and feel our emotions, they become our superpower. It's where we gain our intuition. It's where we gain our needs. We want to learn how to feel. And I'm going to say eight out of 10 people, when I would ask them, Hey, what are you feeling? Like, tell me what's going on inside your body. They're like, I don't know. I feel angry. Okay.
What else? And man, when we start penetrating what what's going on in the body, and I say dropping down below the chin, it's like penetrating the chin. Like, what's going on down here instead of here? Game changer. Game changer. We try to solve everything. We go into our ego. We try to go into the mind and fix it and change things and make you change so I don't get so triggered.
No, you got to go in the body. And that's a key element of setting boundaries again.
come on this journey with me each week when you join me we are going to chase down our goals overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow i'm ready for my close-up hi and welcome back i'm so glad you're back here with us this week okay here we go we've got michelle chalfant mslpc
She's a licensed therapist, holistic life coach, and author committed to helping individuals break free from limitations and discover their true selves. As the creator of The Adult Chair Model, she combines simple psychology with grounded spirituality to inspire personal transformation.
Her podcast, The Michelle Huffad Show, Life from the Adult Chair, has over 10 million downloads, offering practical tools and relatable insights for overcoming your challenges. Michelle's new book, The Adult Chair, Get Unstuck, Claim Your Power, and Transform Your Life, has just been released from random house and is available now.
Michelle leads transformative events, retreats and courses through the Academy of Awakening membership and trains others and her model via the adult chair coaching certification program, where she's creating a new generation of coaches. Michelle, thank you so much for being here today.
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Chapter 2: How does childhood modeling impact your adult emotional patterns?
That's a mouthful. Thanks, Heather.
My gosh, an impressive background, that is for sure. All right, well, let's get into your new book because I'm so curious. You know, a lot of people listen to the show.
Mm-hmm.
because of work, because they're in corporate America, they're an entrepreneur, but a lot of people I'm learning more and more also listen to just better themselves. And one of the things that your new book really gets into is this idea of boundaries. And I feel like Boundaries are applicable as a parent.
Boundaries are applicable and necessary for friendships, for work, for personal romantic relationships, really through everything. So I was hoping you could start off talking a little bit about boundaries just in general.
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Chapter 3: What are your emotional triggers actually trying to show you?
Yeah, for sure. So boundaries is a word that scares people. You know, when I saw clients for many, almost 20 years, I would when I would say to somebody, hey, I think that you might need to set a boundary there. Their response, I mean, almost every time was, well, I'm not a confrontational person. You know, I can't I'm not going to say that. Wait a minute.
So I'd have to go into a definition of what the heck a boundary is. So a boundary simply teaches other people how we want to be treated, but it can also just be a simple request. Like, hey, I'd like you to pick me up a little earlier so we get to the party on time. It's just a simple request, but people are...
afraid, they don't want to set them, they feel guilty, they feel overwhelmed, they don't know how to set them. So yeah, so that's, that's all the boundary is. But I find that people, you know, if we don't have modeling when we're growing up, as far as how to set boundaries, or did you witness healthy boundaries in your life, we become adults, we don't know how to do it.
How often is that the case versus where people like, do you know percentages or ballpark? Like how many people really do know how to set healthy boundaries versus those that don't? Because I will tell you, just thinking about this in business and parenting and in romantic, like for sure, it's definitely more challenging from where I sit right now.
But I would imagine there are some people that are good at it.
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Chapter 4: How do unconscious belief systems form before age 6?
Of course, there are some people that are good at it, but I got to tell you, after doing this for over 20 years and working with people in live events, working with people in a private practice and membership, like all the places, more people than not are not great at boundaries. Now, let's talk about an entrepreneur. Let's talk about someone in business, a CEO, managing a big team.
They may set a boundary through yelling. through screaming, through threatening, those aren't healthy boundaries. Those are confrontational ways of getting people to do something that you want them to do. That's not a healthy boundary. It's not a healthy boundary. And that's how a lot of people think that boundaries go down. And it's not healthy. It's not healthy. So yeah.
So yeah, people go, I can take care of myself. No, no, no. You don't need to do it like that. And it's not to say that boundaries need to be flowery. But a boundary might just be like, hey, Heather, you know, every week we go to this, or every month we go to the supper club, or we hang out with our friends on Friday nights. You always pick me up late. Can you please just pick me up early?
Or hey, I don't like when you talk about my hair when we're, you know, blah, blah, you know. It could be anything, but it's me speaking up for myself. Instead of going to other people talking about what I want you to do, I got to go directly to you without yelling, without screaming, without threatening, without being confrontational.
So I do find, I mean, I used to work with a lot of men and they'd say, my boss did this to me, or I realized I made so and so cry. I'm like, that's not a healthy boundary. Like, let's talk about how we set healthy boundaries. And it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable.
If you learn, because I like that example of, you know, threatening, raising your voice, yelling. I certainly, that's how I implemented boundaries at work for most of my business career, at least in corporate America for a long time. And you find some success with it, right? Like I did really well in business. However-
It's interesting now at 50 years old to reflect back on my life and say, all right, I still haven't done a great job setting healthy boundaries in my personal relationships, but I'm able to do it at work better now, right? Because I'm, for whatever reason, now it's been easier for me to like observe. I don't need to yell at people.
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Chapter 5: How can you reconnect with your inner child to heal abandonment?
I can do it in a calm way and I can hold people to task, even though they're not going to like it, which I've gone through that in the last couple of years. They don't like it, but you know, I'm going to say, this is, you know, what's acceptable for me. And this is what I need you to do in order to work together.
And so I've learned how to do that in a pretty healthy, direct way and have success in business. However, it's still challenging and personal. And here's why is that in my mind somewhere, I still think of boundaries as confrontation.
And when you love people and whether it be your best friend or your boyfriend or like whoever it is that you have all this love for that you, you genuinely feel bad about, being, like I can hear myself right now, the heavy hammer. So how do you speak to someone that struggles with that in their personal life? How do you get them to understand that it isn't a confrontation or a need?
I want to back up because it's what I find that we are not in touch with are our true needs. So really, what is the need? We go right into, I want you to stop that. But if I say to you, hey, this really makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you please stop? I'm sharing with you what I need because it feels this way. That's very different than just, again, hammering that boundary in.
You know what I mean? Oh my God, I lost your question. I'm thinking about, because when you were talking, the whole time you were talking, I was like, we're really out of touch with our needs and it feels uncomfortable. I think that was your question, why does it feel so uncomfortable? Again, we don't know how to do it. Who taught you, who did you witness when you were growing up?
Did you witness anyone that set these healthy boundaries with you? Or did you see, again, I don't know what your family was like growing up, but for me, my mom just didn't say anything. And when she tried, maybe my dad didn't listen. So she was ignored and then she just stopped. So then you go with the flow, and my mom would share with me how mad she was at my dad. I'm like, so unhealthy, right?
But my mom was doing the best that she could, but that's how we are raised. So then we become adults, and it's like, well, how am I supposed to say that? I don't know what I'm doing. So then I become like my mom did or like my dad did with me, which is I'm just going to sweep under the carpet. I'm going to make an excuse for you and say – You didn't mean it. It's okay.
I'm just going to blow it off. I'm going to brush it off. No big deal. It's not healthy. It's draining. It builds resentment. It builds internal anger toward that other person. And that resentment, although we have a smell on our face, but that resentment builds and builds and builds. And that is then when we snap at people out of left field and like, what's wrong with you having a bad day?
Oh yeah, no, I don't know what's going on. Sorry. It's hormones or it's whatever's going on, but really it's a pile of resentment because you haven't been speaking up all this, all this time.
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Chapter 6: Why are romantic relationships the biggest mirror for your emotional wounds?
If I'm mad at you and I start yelling at you, you're either going to come back at me with more anger or you're going to shut down and do what I want you to do. So anger is a great emotion, but it can also be used as a defense to get you to do what I want you to do. Unhealthy boundary again. So what we want to do instead is really get in touch with what are you doing or what...
When I look at what you're doing or when I experience what you're doing, what does it make me feel? Again, this is not like airy fairy or mushy. It's like, gosh, you know, it really makes me feel like I'm not seen or I'm not heard or I'm invisible. So we want to start with getting in touch with what the heck I'm feeling. And then I share that with you.
I share that piece with you like, hey, Heather. I realize, you know, when you treat me that way, I feel invisible. It makes me feel invisible. Can we have a conversation about this? Can you please stop? Can you please stop saying that to me? So we don't know what we feel. We know to use just anger or we sweep it under the carpet. And we need to find that other way.
Chapter 7: How does reparenting your inner child transform your confidence and relationships?
And the third door is let's start getting in touch with really what's going on underneath the anger and dive a little bit into that resentment and go, what the heck am I resentful for? Why are they irritating me? There's something in the irritation. And we need to learn how to turn toward the thing that's irritating us, the thing that's making us resentful, that person, that thing.
Get in touch within ourselves as far as what's going on, and then we share that. And that goes back to, even deeper, Heather, We don't know what we're feeling. Our emotions are our superpower. I used to work with high-powered CEOs. I worked with movie stars. I worked with people that were in when I lived in Nashville for 13 years. I had big executives come in.
I had all kinds of people that would come in. When we learn how to touch and feel our emotions, they become our superpower. It's where we gain our intuition. It's where we gain our needs. And we want to learn how to feel. And I'm going to say 8 out of 10 people, when I would ask them, hey, what are you feeling? Like, tell me what's going on inside your body. They're like, I don't know.
I don't know. I feel angry. OK, what else? And man, when we start penetrating what's going on in the body, and I say dropping down below the chin, it's like penetrating the chin. Like what's going on down here instead of here? Game changer. Game changer. We try to solve everything. We go into our ego.
We try to go into the mind and fix it and change things and make you change so I don't get so triggered. No, you got to go in the body. And that's a key element of setting boundaries again.
So that's really about tuning into yourself and hearing what really is triggering, bothering you and underneath the maybe surface anger.
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Chapter 8: What should you do when someone resists your new boundaries?
Triggers are one of my favorite things to talk about. And here's why. Triggers reveal... our unknown or unconscious beliefs about ourselves. So if, like we just did, like what? Yeah, so if, here it is. If I trigger you, if I say something or do something or don't say or do something, whatever it might be, I don't care who it is outside of you. What is actually happening is,
There's a belief inside of you that's rising up and it's presented to you almost on a silver platter, if you're willing to look. And that belief, and we all, every single human has these beliefs. Everybody does. And here's what's crazy. They're formed usually by the age of three to six at the latest. We all have beliefs.
Something like, I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, I'm bad, I don't matter, I'm not seen, nobody listens to me. We all have that. Now, maybe I have a deeper feeling of I'm not lovable and you may have I'm bad more. Again, we're all a little different in that way. But we've all got those beliefs. We don't know what they are because they're not in the conscious mind.
They're sitting in the unconscious mind. The reason they're in the unconscious mind, who the hell wants to feel them? So when we're little, we drop them down into the unconscious mind, so when we're triggered, those beliefs are rising up within us. And if we're willing to take a look at what it is that is rising up within us, we actually can start healing and turning those beliefs around.
And then we stop getting so triggered. We stop getting so angry. We stop having so much emotional dysregulation. We can start having more ease in our bodies. We have more peace. We have more happiness. But most people, what happens is when they get triggered, They blame the person that is triggering them. They yell at them. They get pissed. They tell them off.
And they go tell all their friends, like, can you believe so-and-so did that to me? All the things. And then all the friends and family validate you. And that beautiful belief that was sitting right there for you to look at, for you to transform, drops down below the surface back into the unconscious mind and it just sits there again.
So instead, what we want to do is get curious about what the heck is coming up for me that is mine and start working on that belief.
Triggers are transformational. Getting curious, just so adult, right? Reacting and responding with emotion, like you said, based off our subconscious or past behavior or whatever it may be, is much more childlike. Becoming a grown, evolved adult, which I'm not saying is easy at all, definitely on that path. Some days, some days, not so much.
But when you come from a place of curiosity, you know, wait a minute, hmm, I'm confused. Why am I acting like this right now? And it's interesting when you were explaining that, I was thinking about a dynamic years ago in corporate America. I was in a toxic work environment. And a woman that I worked alongside with triggered me all of the time.
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