David Sedaris (Happy-Go-Lucky, A Carnival of Snackery, Calypso) is a comedian, humorist, and author. David returns to the Armchair Expert to discuss why his Picasso painting is what he would grab in a fire, what in 50 years we will see as unforgivable, and how you can have a towering hatred for someone who has no idea. David and Dax talk about the paradox of stinky, kissable money, how he schemed an off-the-rack priest outfit, and the nuance in offensiveness. David explains that there’s nothing better than a pants-shitting story, a defense of a children’s book with no lesson, and how his whole mission as a writer is to make everyone love his mother as much as he did.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: Who are the main speakers in the David Sedaris #5 episode of Armchair Expert?
Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert, experts on expert. I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm joined by Sticky Brain. Sticky Brain, my new nickname. Your new moniker.
Heavyweight champion, returning number five. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. David Sedaris. My God, I couldn't love someone more.
Our most... frequented guest.
Yeah. What an honor to have him as our most frequent guest. If I had to pick a most frequent tie between him and Malcolm Gladwell. Yeah, we got some good ones. We got a couple of good repeat offenders. Sedaris is a humorous, a comedian, an essayist, a bestselling author, a radio contributor. He's on the television on one of those morning shows. He's got kind of an Andy Rooney vibe on set.
I love it. His books, Happy Go Lucky, Me Talked Pretty One Day, Calypso, A Carnival of Snackery, the best titles ever. Yeah. Fresh Your Family in Denim and Corduroy. Oh, in Corduroy and Denim. Corduroy and Denim.
He is on a 40-city tour across the United States starting March 30th till May 19th, including Burlington, Vermont, Albany, Philadelphia, Boston, Akron, Detroit, Fort Wayne, Dallas, Nashville, many, many more. Go to... davidsiderisbooks.com to see his tour. A lot of armchairs have gone per our suggestion. And I always hear how much they love it. He puts on a great show.
I really do recommend you go see him live. There's really nothing like it.
He's a gift.
And as I've been talking about lately, we're listening to his short stories every night before bed. There's one-offs before bed. It's just, it makes me so happy.
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Chapter 2: What is David Sedaris's prized possession he would grab in a fire?
I got that in Australia, but it was Egypt, and I wished I'd brought it to Egypt.
You know what's so nice about this is that I wasn't going to bring up that I haven't gotten a postcard from you in a while, but I've thought about and noticed and been scared that I haven't gotten a postcard from you in a while. And I would have never brought it up, but here one has arrived, and now I don't have anything to even ruminate about. Do you want to read it aloud? Well, I don't know.
These are like private exchanges.
It says, it's not the first time I've cheated on Hugh, but...
Somehow, this one stings for some reason. I want to read this first by myself in my bed. And then maybe on the fact check.
Okay. He doesn't want postcards. He doesn't want me to text him. He wants letters with stamps on them.
Okay, that's a high bar. That's a lot. If I'm going to like 44 cities, I have to get the letters printed out. That's a commitment. And I have a lot of stuff to do. Of course. Already? Of course, you're busy.
That's why you're there.
Okay, I'm going to read it. Thank you. Good idea. Because there's nothing incriminating, but okay. Dear Dax, have you been to Egypt? If you like being hassled and tugged on, it's the place for you. There are a hundred million stray cats there, so it's good too if you're afraid of mice. I didn't see a single one in Australia now. Sincerely, David Sedaris. These are my...
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Chapter 3: How do David Sedaris and Dax Shepard discuss the value and meaning of art?
Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, if you told me that you had a Picasso print, I would be like, that's nice.
Well, first of all, I wouldn't tell anyone I had one. This would just be for me to sit in a room and stare at and get whatever transcendent thing you all are claiming to get from it.
You had a Picasso painting. Yeah. I would say, oh, God, I'd love to see it. I don't usually go to museums because what they have, I can't buy it.
Yeah.
The vagina stuff. Yeah. But I went to a museum somewhere a while ago, and I had time on my hands. And I looked at the Picasso paintings that they had, and he was such a forerunner and such a genius. And the surface of those paintings was so alive. No one can touch that guy. You know, Picasso was an asshole. And when you stand before his paintings... He's a genius. I don't know.
Why do you have to force yourself to go through all of his worst moments?
Yeah.
Yeah. It's interesting that it's really troubling for people with artists and art, but no one is like, guys, bad news. Einstein raped his niece. E equals MC squared. We can't touch it no more. No one has any issue with any kind of scientific breakthrough that was done by a monster. There's no moral dilemma.
It's like if this thing serves me, it's a technology I want, I don't give a fuck what the person who invented it did. Yet the art serves you. You can't really make an argument that one's more important than the other. Yet there is this very arbitrary distinction we make between scientists who are pedophiles and shit and then artists that were.
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Chapter 4: What are David Sedaris's thoughts on societal changes and what will be unforgivable in 50 years?
You're going to like the end of this story, actually.
And then also, worse, then we had to Google who he was.
I was like, oh no, he was at that panel. We are just signing a deal with Amazon. That was an Amazon movie. Did I just fucking shove one of our new bosses? Now I'm staring through the gap when he lifts up his laptop to do some work. Thank God. It says his full name on this sign in for his password. And then the second we land, I open it up and I find out I was like, oh, he's just a fucking lawyer.
I knew it. He was like a lawyer representing one of the actors that was on the panel.
It's so funny, though, how you can be on a plane and have a towering hatred for somebody and they have no idea.
I would have given anything to fight him in a parking lot. That's how mad I was at how he's treating this flight attendant.
I was in Australia a couple of weeks ago. They made an announcement. They said the flight to Tasmania is full. So we're asking you to gate check your bag. If you don't care to and you want to bring your bag on the plane, you'll soon find yourself in a situation where there's no room for your bag. We will gladly send it on the four o'clock flight. So that's a way to do it. Yeah, big threat.
I just had a knapsack, and I had something else under my seat, and I had my knapsack in the overhead bin. So he puts his bag in there, and he's pounding on it. It won't go in all the way because of my knapsack. Yeah. And I said, I think it won't go in there because of my knapsack. So he pulls my knapsack out and puts his bag in and says, what do you want me to do with this now? No, we didn't.
Stop it. I said, just go. And I was in first class. I said, just wherever you are back there— Just go.
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Chapter 5: What are some humorous and personal travel stories shared by David Sedaris?
No, I'm not opposed to it.
preferable right i like it if i'm going to the security check at the airport and that person has a personality me too love that tsa guy personality love that everybody i'm happy you know who i don't want to have a personality is the pilot sometimes you're on a southwest flight and they kind of pride themselves on that they make jokes that's not who i want making jokes but
I was on tour in the fall and I went to Chicago and I was checked in by a woman with Down syndrome.
At a hotel or at the airport? At the airport.
She checked me in for my flight and she had a very hard time pronouncing the name of the city I was going to, but it was a difficult name. And a lot of times if you have Down syndrome, your tongue is kind of thick, so it can be hard to say. So I had to ask twice, but I thought, wow, why haven't I seen this before? And then I started thinking they should hire a guy with Down syndrome.
Or it could be a woman dressed in a pilot's uniform to stand at the front of the plane at the beginning of every flight and say, we'll be flying over. And then all the people who get off the plane immediately would be the right people. And then we could just take off. They would be the right people. Just hire people with Down syndrome to pretend they were the pilots. Yeah.
And you think that's like a test of something.
It just weeds out the riffraff.
That's interesting because I don't want to get political. But when I was sounding the alarm a year ago going, guys, Biden, he's too old. We must have another option. And people were offended by that. My analogy was if you got on an airplane and Biden came out of the cockpit and I was like, you know, you get the fuck off. It isn't running this huge country more important than flying one airplane.
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Chapter 6: How does David Sedaris describe his experience meeting the Pope and the significance of the event?
I was picking up trash in England and I found a strap on penis that was like an inch and a half long. Wow, they sell that. And I thought, who are you going to fuck, a Cabbage Patch doll?
There's a kink for everything. Wow.
Maybe they were in love. I got to pick the right species that would be smart enough to be consenting. Like maybe they were in love with a small chimpanzee and they wanted to consummate the relationship. We've talked about this a lot. Like, is there an animal that is morally fine to be in love with? And we've concluded that female humans can guilt free date male dolphins.
Because male dolphins are so horny. They constantly are getting caught trying to fuck the people they're swimming with. They're perverts. And there's these scientists that studied them and the dolphins fucked some of the scientists. We don't think it's right for a male human to fuck a female dolphin. But vice versa is totally fine with us. What's your verdict on that?
Gosh.
Because bonobo chimps are famously very horny. So I think I'd be fine with a male bonobo chimp dating a female.
No, I'd be better with a water creature. It would just be more sanitary, I guess.
Okay. But ethically. It's more an ethics question.
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.
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Chapter 7: What is the conversation around offense, comedy, and the word 'queer' in this episode?
And then would see me from a distance and then look away when they got close. They couldn't look at my face.
They're scared you'll see all their sins just screaming across their face.
I don't know. Again, it's not a Catholic country.
I'm an atheist and I don't like looking at a priest. I'm like, he can see what a scumbag I am. This is his stock and trade. He's like, you fucking need to come in. I think it triggers that in people like, oh, we're in trouble.
Maybe that's it. Oxford Street in London, it's like there's a shift change. And at six o'clock, Christians go home and Muslims take over. Oh, really? Interesting. Even the beggars on the street go home and are replaced by beggars from the Middle East. Wow. And so everybody on Oxford Street after a certain time at night is Muslim.
And often they're dressed in, I don't know the names for the clothes. And they are always treated differently. Their people looked me in the face.
Because they're living a very pure life.
Yeah. They were living a religious life. Yeah. I felt like they were looking at me like, whatever. You know, if you want to believe that, go ahead. Right. We're both wearing black.
And so it was interesting. That is interesting.
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Chapter 8: How does David Sedaris talk about food, eating habits, and his relationship with cooking?
Does it ruin it? We had a house guest a while ago who said, oh, I'm going to go downstairs now and take a shit. And I said, why do you even say that? Just go downstairs.
I'm glad I know this about you now because I talk about it a lot. And I probably would get myself disinvited had I not known this prior to coming over.
It's just a different way of life.
They're two different paradigms.
Right. People who acknowledge it and say it's a part of life.
I think it's funny. I think it's very inherently funny.
I like hearing about other people.
Do you like a pant shitting story? That's my all-time favorite story.
There's nothing better. I like your story about shitting in your pants. Was it Home Depot?
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Chapter 9: What personal stories does David Sedaris share about his family and his writing mission?
I think that serves that purpose for a lot of people. Yeah, when the shame sets in mid-meal. My brother and I are exactly the same. And I don't know if it's because having six kids, they tend to corral my plate to keep you away from it. And I just would eat because if you finish first, then maybe you can get second. It's not like I need counseling, but watching my brother eat, I think that's me.
Yeah. Same with me and my brother. Limited resources. And it was a race every time we ate. And I hate sharing. I think of myself as a very generous person. I'll buy you anything. I don't want to share any of my food. I don't enjoy it. I'd rather not do it.
I went to the dinner a couple of nights ago with some very generous people. And what I ordered was so good. I didn't offer anyone a taste because I wanted it all for myself. And they would all say, do you want some of this? Do you want some of this? And I would take their food. Yeah. Never offer. Never reciprocated. Didn't offer any of my own.
Yeah, I've been in that position, too. I mean, you're ordering the thing you want to eat. So, yeah, you don't want to give half of it away.
I don't like it sometimes when you go to places with people you don't know that well, and it's a small plate thing that you share. Oh, share plate. Because I want all of it.
When we're ordering, that's where I have to start the whole process. My wife will go, oh, should we get such and such for the table? And I'll go like, well, I want one for myself. So make sure I have my own appetizer. And I feel crazy, but I can't even enjoy it because I'm racing.
You can soften it by just saying, let's get two.
But I don't mean to. I don't want four people sharing two. I want three people sharing one and I have my own.
I want my own and then part of yours.
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